Sailor Moon: Dark Moon Rising Saga Episode 1 WRITTEN BY: Blaine MSTIED BY: Seth C. Triggs a.k.a. Lefty HOST SEGMENT BY: J. D. Gibson a.k.a. Blaine Seth C. Triggs: Wow... the author is one of my biggest fans, and it is an honour to be asked to MST his work. That said, this was quite fun! J. D. Gibson: This is my first time working on a MST. I'm no good at riffs, but I'm pretty good at writing; don't let my first fanfic, which you are about to read, fool you. It's horrible. I feel good about turning from a Lefty fanboy to an understudy of his. And as for my self-insertion, I'M SORRY!!!! LEGAL STUFF: All the characters and concepts of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belong to Best Brain Inc. Please do not sue for the characters are borrowed and we have no claim on them. Dark Moon Rising Saga belongs to Blaine and he'd just as soon burn it. Now, on with the show... ____________________________________________________________________________ [Roll season 9 theme] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bone] [SOL] Mike and the bots are playing a Dragonball Z Role-playing card game. "I have you now Vegita. BWA HA HA HA HA!" Crow laughed as he rolled the dice. "Yes, Kamehameha!" Mike picks up the dice and rolls. "Ah ha. A six. That gives me the power of smarm. I merely step out of the way and act arrogant. HA!" Mike cheers. "I'll give you smarm!!" Crow yelled, irritated. He spears Mike to the ground. Sounds of a rumble come from behind the console. [Commercial sign lights flash] "We'll be right back." Tom said and hits the button. [Commercial] [SOL] Mike and Crow are nursing wounds while Tom applies bandages. "Now see what happens when you take RPGs too seriously?" he asked. "Yes." Crow and Mike answered. "Now say you're sorry." "I'm sorry Mike." Crow said. "I'm sorry Crow." Mike said. "That's better." Tom said. [Mad's light flashes] "Uh oh. The Banana Splits are calling." Mike hits the button. [Castle Forrester] Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are standing in front of a huge thing that is draped with a giant sheet. "Hello Nelstone, Thomas, Art." Pearl began. "I'm in an extremely good mood today." [SOL] Tom whispers to Mike, "That can't be good." [Castle Forrester] "I heard that!" Pearl yelled. "Anywho, during the time I have been sending you crappy fanfics, I've noticed that the worst have to do with self insertions. And do we know what is in self insertions?" [SOL] "Sad, little fanboys?" Mike asked. "Super arrogance?" Tom asked. "Total and utter drivel?" Crow asked. [Castle Forrester] "Aside from those." Pearl said. "Hoo hoo... I know, I know!" Bobo spoke up waving his hand. "General Peterson?" Everyone shudders. "No." Pearl said. "Ultra-powerful people. People with more power than they deserve. People with power up the shinola. But, more importantly, power to take over the world." Pearl whips the sheet off to reveal a huge machine with two operating slabs. It looks like something out of Frankenstein. "Say hello to my Self Insertion Doppler. S.I.D. for short. It makes a dopple of myself with power enough to take over the world. And to celebrate my imminent domination, I have a terrible tidbit from an up and coming pain-maker. His name is Blaine. Have fun, or don't. MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!! Send it, whey face." Observer wiggles his head and he and Bobo join Pearl in evil laughter. [SOL] "Blaine?!? Wasn't he an evil train in Stephen King's Dark Tower trilogy?" Crow asked. "I don't know, but I have a feeling that like the train, 'Blaine is a pain'." Mike comments. [Lights and Klaxons go off] Mike screams, "WE'VE GOT NOVICE SELF INSERTION SIGN!!!" [Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] >Sailor Moon >Dark Moon Rising Saga TOM: Dark Moon Rising? CROW: If Adam Chris Leigh is in this, I'll puke. >Episode 1: Dark Senshi MIKE: The latest bit of the Kefka craze... CROW: Don't go there, Mike. >SETTING: Tokyo, Japan, Crossroads Junior High, Usagi's Algebra class. >Ami is busily doing >the homework that was just assigned. Usagi is asleep. TOM: ... with visions of hamburgers... dancing in her head. >Ami reaches over and prods Usagi to life with her pencil. MIKE: *BZZZZTT*! CROW: [Usagi] Aiyeeee!! The answer is 42! >AMI: Wake up, Usagi. >USAGI: (Groaning) What? I was just having the best dream with Tuxedo Mask. TOM: [Usagi] It was so cool... we went to Ponderosa, and then to the Puke-O-tron! >AMI: You ought to be getting a jump on your homework. CROW: [Ami] You wouldn't have had this trouble if you had gone to Sears like I did. >USAGI: Ami, its called homework for a reason. (Usagi puts her head down >again, but is startled >when her communicator goes off.) MIKE: [Usagi] Oh, no! It's my pimp! >USAGI: That's odd. There shouldn't be any sailor business since we >defeated the Negaverse >three weeks ago. CROW: [Usagi] That was when our contract ran out! > (Usagi raises her hand) Mr. Fugi, may I go to the >restroom? TOM: [Usagi] Y'know... the restroom? Nudge, nudge... wink, wink? MIKE: [Usagi] It's that time of the... Lunar cycle. >FUGI: (Impatient) Yes Usagi, but make it quick. CROW: [Fugi] I have to go spy... err... use it next. >Usagi leaves the room and goes into the girls' bathroom, where she checks >to make sure she's >alone and pulls out her communicator. CROW: [whistles innocently] >USAGI: What is it, Luna. MIKE: [Luna] This is a communicator, but that's not important right now. >LUNA: There is a disturbance. Something evil. I'm getting bad vibes. >USAGI: It's not the Negaverse is it? TOM: [Luna] Stupid! They're the only villains on the show! >LUNA: It may very well be. Have all the sailors assemble at Rei's temple >after school. >USAGI: OK. CROW: [Luna] This time, make sure you find *our* sailors, not the guys from the harbor. MIKE: Oh, brother... Come on, Crow! CROW: Sorry... >SETTING: Rei's temple. Minako is brushing her hair, Ami is reading, >Makato is watching >TV, and Rai and Usagi are fighting over a bag of chips. MIKE: What about Rei? >Luna and Artimus enter and the Sailor's attention goes to them. TOM: [Usagi] Waaaaaaah!! I want more attention! >LUNA: I'm afraid I have terrible news. The disturbance I felt is the >Negaverse. ALL: [sarcastically] NO! >MINAKO: Oh no, I thought we stopped them. We killed Queen Beryl. CROW: [Minako] We also gave Malachite a huge wedgie! >ARTIMUS: I'm afraid there is a new threat. A Negaverse organization known >only as the >Shadow is behind the recent evil. MIKE: Giga Shadow? TOM: So they worship his Shadow? > Their leader is unknown and he has three >generals at his >command. Unlike Beryl, the Shadow sends the Generals to collect energy >rather than a monster. >LUNA: The Generals are, I'm afraid to say, stronger than Berol herself. CROW: [Scouts] That's nice, but how do they compare to Beryl? >SAILORS: (gasps) >ARTIMUS: Also, not only do they plan to capture energy but they want to >kill us. MIKE: [Rei, nonchalantly] Same old, same old. >MAN'S VOICE: That is correct. >Everyone turns to the door where a man stands. He appears to be in his >thirties, light streaks of >gray in his hair, and wearing a black uniform with gold fringes on the >shoulders. TOM: Liberace, no!!! CROW: More like Liberacite. >MAN: Let me introduce myself. I am General Zar of the Shadow. (Makes >a deep bow) MIKE: [Zar] I also make an excellent wood varnish. >USAGI: We've gotta change. CROW: [Usagi] I seem to have filled my underwear... MIKE: Ick, Crow! >The Sailors raise their wands and transform into the Sailor Scouts. They >are shocked to find that >the colors of their uniforms are slightly different. The white body suit >is now black and so are the >crescent moons on their tiaras. TOM: Introducing... DEGENERATION X!!! [Others look at TOM] >LUNA: I took the liberty of upgrading your wands. CROW: [Luna] They are now compatible with Windows NT 4.0. > I knew you would need to >be stronger plus >you scouts other than Serena have new powers. They are beast elements. >Look inside your soul >and you will know the words of activation. MIKE: [Usagi] Hamburger? >ZAR: Very cute. >The Sailors all release their Beast Elements on Zar. TOM: [Makoto] I summon 93 kg of ELEPHANT MANURE! CRUSH! CROW: [Mercury] DEER SCAT! BLIND!! MIKE: [Rei] USAGI! BARF! TOM: [Usagi] I'm not bulimic!! >SAILOR MERCURY: Mercury Ice Leopard! (A beam of ice in the form of a >leopard flies out) >SAILOR MARS: Mars Fire Dragon! (A dragon of fire) >SAILOR JUPITER: Jupiter Thunder Shark! (A Shark of Electricity) >SAILOR VENUS: Venus Beam Hawk! (A Hawk of yellow energy) CROW: Crow Sarcastic Remark! (Bite me!) >The powers fly out and explode on Zar at one time. When the smoke clears, >he is gone. They all >run outside. TOM: [Ami] Whew, that was easy. Anyone up for math? >SAILOR MOON: He's gone. Hey Luna, why didn't I get a cool beast thing. >LUNA: (Hesitantly) Well... MIKE: [Luna] It's just that... well, you're kinda dumb. >Suddenly she is interrupted by a laugh from the roof. CROW: ["Johnny"] Oh my god! Where did you get that skirt? And that blouse and shoes, geez! > Turning, the Sailors see Zar. >ZAR: Spectacular pyrotechnics, my dears, but all for nothing. >(Zar waves his hand and all the sailors are paralyzed along with the cats.) >I am surprised at the >ease with which I captured you. (Laughs) TOM: Yeah... me too. Almost sounds like a self-insertion. [ALL look at each other nervously] >Suddenly, it turns night and a full moon is in the sky. Then the Moon >eclipses. >ZAR: What the hell? MIKE: [Zar] Who's in charge of grips? >The Moon turns normal and the silhouette of a man with a cape is seen. >SAILOR MOON: Tuxedo Mask! TOM: [Sailor Moon] That's my man! >MAN: Afraid not. (The man steps into the light to reveal a young face of >about 19, a goatee, a >long cape, and black armor like that of Prince Mamoru.) CROW: Lucifer? MIKE: The Black Knight? TOM: Houdini? >LUNA and ARTIMUS: Prince Blaine! ALL: BLAINE?!!! >BLAINE: Yes, Prince of the Moon Kingdom. MIKE: [snickering] From a male point of view? [ALL burst out laughing] >Gasps. >SAILOR MOON: Hey, buster, I'm the Moon princess. I don't know where you >get off claiming >the moon. TOM: [Luna] No, stupid! He said he was the PRINCE of the moon, not the owner!! >BLAINE: (Smiling) You've grown up. >LUNA: Sailors, brace yourselves, it is time to unlock more of your memories >of the moon >kingdom. CROW: YES, time for more ego-stoking. MIKE: This has Chris Caldwell written all over it. TOM: [Usagi] Hey! I forgot my key! >Suddenly everyone remembers. Blaine is Serena's brother, her elder by 4 >years. Memories of the >good times they all had flood back. CROW: The times Blaine would peek on her in the shower... MIKE: [Usagi] So what does he have to do with me? >VENUS: You were always there to cheer me up when I felt down and out. >MERCURY: You got me started on all the great literature and led me on my >path of knowledge. TOM: [Mercury] You also taught me how to *properly* use a banana. MIKE: TOM... >JUPITER: You helped me train in sports and taught me to cook. >MARS: I was always shy because I had a crush on you. I never spent much >time with you. CROW: Oh, yeah... right. Of course. TOM: [Mars] I had to wonder... what the hell were those sores on your lip? >SERENA: Brother. When Father died, you were there to comfort me. I >remember when you left >to oversee construction of your own castle on the Dark Side a year before >Beryl attacked. That >was the last time I ever saw you. MIKE: [Blaine] Ah, yeah... that was when I scampered... err... worked. Boy, what memories we have! >ZAR: (Mockingly) How very touching. TOM: You know... Zar had plenty of time to kill those guys. MIKE: He's dead... >Blaine waves his hand and the Sailors are freed. CROW: Yeah... yup. MIKE: We're treading the waters of General Peterson now. >ZAR: What!! >BLAINE: Time for you to die, Zar. Ready Usagi? >SERENA: Huh? TOM: [Serena] I mean, "Alabama!" >BLAINE: Dark Moon Beast Connect! CROW: [Novicorp Chair] Connect! >Blaine suddenly becomes a monster. Muscles are all over. It has massive >claws, teeth, and >horns on its face and arms and has long black hair. It roars and begins >going berserk, tearing up >trees. MIKE: Oh, no! He's become Mr. Hyde! TOM: Oh, the humanity! >LUNA: He must have thought that you knew the Beast technique, Usagi! That >is your Beast >power! He is the body and strength of the Moon Beast! You are the reason >and intelligence! ALL: WHAT?!! [ALL burst out laughing] CROW: [laughing] That's like Bill Clinton representing the celibate! ALL: BWAH, HAHAHAHAHA!!! >Look into your soul and speak the words! TOM: [Blaine] Say it... S-E-G-A. >SAILOR MOON: Bright Moon Beast Connect! (Serena becomes energy and enters >the beast's >chest. Suddenly a Black crescent moon appears on its chest and it calms >down and looks toward >Zar. MIKE: [Serena beast] Ah, I feel better! CROW: So what, did Usagi get eaten by grues? >MOON BEAST: (Deep Growling voice) General Zar. Your crimes against the >Moon and Earth >will cease to exist. I, the guardian of the Moon's royal family will see >to that. (The Beast leaps >at Zar, but Zar realizes its power and disappears before the Beast reaches >him.) TOM: [Zar] Now I'd better change my undies! >ZAR'S VOICE: Not this night. This turn of events will prove interesting >to the Shadow. >Farewell, little sailors, farewell. TOM: [Zar] Oh, and bye, Sailor Scouts. MIKE: I'm not touching that one. >FADE OUT/ FADE IN TOM: [Wayne] FLASHBACK TIME!!! >SETTING: Rei's temple the next day. >REI: That was odd how Blaine disappeared after he and Usagi split up. >Also, why did he appear >at this time, right when we are faced with the threat of the Shadow. CROW: [Rei] Also, what did he do with our question marks. MIKE: Maybe Blaine had to do Number 2. >VOICE: Why not ask me? >They all turn to see Blaine, wearing combat boots, shorts, and a >Type-O-Negative T-shirt. >ALL: Blaine! ALL: Antoine! >BLAINE: (Sits down) To answer that question, back on the Moon, I was >away during the >attack. CROW: [Blaine] I was busy playing this game of Fourty Theives. > When I found everyone gone, I returned to my castle and went to >sleep. The castle buried >itself. TOM: [Blaine] Fortunately, we had scoopable litter. > When the Shadow set up base on the Moon, I awoke and found out what >happened in my >crystal shard. (Blaine Holds up a dark shard of crystal) This was a >piece of the royal crystal >ball, the very one Queen Beryl stole and used. MIKE: [Blaine] So I broke it and wet myself. > So I came here to help. (He >held up a Moon >Wand like Serena's except it was darker) CROW: No wonder it's dark... TOM: Ewww... > I'm a Sailor too. I'm also called >Sailor Moon, but >seeing as how my dear sister holds the name, just call me Blaine. MIKE: [Damon Wayans] And that concludes our "Males on Sailor Moon Self-Insertion!" >FADE OUT >The End CROW: [snickers] Blaine... [All leave] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, bone] Mike and the bots walk onto the bridge chuckling. "Blaine..." Crow chuckles. [Castle Forrester] "What?" Pearl says. "That was a bad fic. It should have sent you spiraling into a torrent of pain." [SOL] "Well, Pearl," Mike says, "It was bad, but not a painful bad. More like a funny, Never-ending Story 3 bad." "Yeah," Tom said. "It wasn't painful, just goofy." "Sure," says Crow. "Who would make Usagi the Reason and intelligence of anything. I wouldn't even make her the reason and intelligence of a doughnut." They all bust out laughing again. [Castle Forrester] Pearl and Observer are standing in front of the S.I.D. Bobo is not around. "Well, no matter." Pearl says. "I am in too good a mood. Get ready to meet... SUPER PEARL!!" Another Pearl walks out and stands next to the original. This one has glowing, red eyes. "Super Pearl will take over the world and I will finally rule it. BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!" "Excuse me," says Super Pearl. "What do you mean, you." The real Pearl is taken aback. "I am trillions of times stronger than you. I am smarter than you and I hold the power of life and death in my hands. Also, every Fabio, Brad Pitt, and Antonio Banderas will fawn over me. I'm the God, I'M THE GOD!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!" While Dopple Pearl rants, Pearl gets a headache. She clutches her head and nods to Observer to do something. Observer wiggles his head and a pair of sunglasses appears. He puts these on Dopple Pearl. She screams, begins to shake, and explodes. The sunglasses fall to the ground among her dust. "Brainguy," exclaims Pearl, "what were those!?" "I got the idea from Mike and the bot's Imagry Protection Units." Brainguy says. "But instead of blocking out hentai material, it magnifies it. Everything you see looks like a Tsunai fic." Pearl grabs her stomach and turns green. "Wh...wh...what?!? Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" Pearl sets the Sunglasses of Evil on a table. "Well, guys. Now I'm in a bad mood. I just might send you something evil. Maybe a fic written by a cousin of Blaine's." [SOL] Mike and the bots stop laughing and look worried. "Blaine has a cousin?" Tom asks. [Castle Forrester] "Oh yes," Pearl says with a smile. "And even Blaine agrees that the fic is wrong. It's... a... POKEMON LEMON!!!!" [SOL] Mike, Tom, and Crow scream. [Credits] Over the credits we hear Bobo. "Hoo, hoo... Where is everyone. Oh well. Hey nice shades. 'I wear my sunglasses at night'." We hear Bobo putting sunglasses on. "Ohh...No...NO...AHHHHH!!!" His screaming drowns the rest of the theme song out. MST3K created by JOEL HODGSON MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. Riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS (trigsc41@buffalostate,edu) Host segments written by J.D. GIBSON Original fanfic written by BLAINE Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based upon another work of fiction. HA HA HA HA HA... We're stuck here! Keep circulating the fics 2 December 1998 >ZAR: What the Hell?