Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! by Nightman MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Hi, It's Seth here, with #6, and boy is it big! So big that it has to be broken up... Now, this story is the property of Nigthman. Any jokes made are not intended to be insults or anything to that regard. It's just a harmless satire and should be treated as such. But anyway, on with the show! [Roll Season 8 theme] [Satellite of Love] [MIKE and GYPSY are tinkering with TOM's dome. TOM is laying on the desk, with calipers around his dome.] MIKE: Yup, that should do it...new dampers...new shock buffers... your head will not blow up again. I guarantee it. And...Thanks, Gypsy. GYPSY: You're welcome, Mike. Now, let's see if TOM's gonna make it! [GYPSY grasps TOM with her mouth and sets him upright.] TOM: Well, helllooooo! I feel great! I feel fantastic! I feel good as new! Whooppeeee! [TOM zips off desk, off screen. MIKE and CROW chase after him. Commercial Sign light flashes] GYPSY: Oooh, We'll be right back! [hits flashing Commercial sign.] [Commercials] [SoL] [TOM is wearing a preppie-type sweater, and looks like he just played tennis.] TOM: So, fellas, how's the old ball game today? MIKE: Boy, Tom...what happened? You're suddenly happy! CROW: Yeah! You didn't even get mad when I went through your underwear collection! TOM: Hah! That means nothing to me! Why, I'm the happies little guy ya ever did see! Absolutely *nothing* can break my day!! [Red MADs light flashes] MIKE: We'll see. [Winged Microbus of Doom] PEARL: Ah, how are my little proles today? [SoL] ALL: [wearily] Fine, Pearl. [WMoD] PEARL: You do realize that my new short-break policy is effect, don't you? I'm going to cause you so much pain! Oh, silly me, I didn't even send the expiriment yet! Let's see... [rummages through glove compartment]lipstick, maps, travel flashlight, ah, here it is...with a few coffee stains...BOBO!!! BOBO: Ah, yes, Lawgiver? PEARL: How many times have I told you NO COFFEE is to be stored in the glove compartment?!! BOBO: Uh, too many times, Lawgiver! [groveling]Please, please don't hurt me! Waaaaaahhhh! PEARL: [oily] I love it when they beg. Anyhoo, your little delight this time is authored by Nightman, who is the next Ken Burns, and it's called Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick! It's a crossover between Xena and Sailor Moon. And it sucks, so you guys are gonna have to bite down hard!! Send it up, Brain Guy. OBSERVER: Of course. [concentrates for a moment] BOBO: Hey, wait a minute! You always have me do it! Why can't you let me do it now? I want it now! I want it now!!! PEARL: Shut up, Bobo, or I'll let Oscar play with you again. BOBO: [shudders] [SoL] ALL: A crossover between Sailor Moon and Xena? Too Cool! CROW: This might not be so bad after all...nudge, nudge, wink, wink. [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: We've got Crossover Sign!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! A crossover story of Xena: Warrior Princess and Sailor Moon MIKE: Yeah!!! CROW: [Beavis] Bring on the chicks! PROLOGUE: It began just a few hours ago... TOM: [Snoopy typing] It was a dark and stormy night... "I can't believe we're finally here," Minako enthused. "Can you? It seems like I've been waiting all my life to get here!" MIKE: ...the hell? Who's talking here? Rei blinked at surprise at her travelling companion. "Here? On baka planet Nemesis? WHY?" She was sitting in the co-pilot's seat of the shuttle, and the infamous "negamoon" was below them on the viewscreen. TOM: [airline pilot] On your right, you can see the Grand Canyon. On your left, Hoover Dam. Minako rolled her eyes at Rei. "Not HERE, silly, NOW, I guess." CROW: So Rei rolled them right back at her. MIKE: Crow, that was a wee bit awkward. Rei inclined her head inquisitively. "I'm not sure I follow you." TOM: [Rei] See, I can't really tell what the hell you're driving at. "When we were really young, and Chibi-Usa came back from the future the first time, we got a glimpse of what our future would be. MIKE: [Minako] I always knew that I was destined for McDonald's! All my life, I've felt like it was anti-climactic, we knew the future...but now, we've lived through the events of Dimando's people's attack, we know the other side of our story, and we've finished it. CROW: Did anybody catch what the hell she was talking about? TOM & MIKE: No. We're done with living for "The Future." The present is ours again, to live in and do as we will. No more timeline to safeguard, we can get back to LIVING!" she exclaimed. TOM: [Minako] Why even bother about that stupid space-time continuum? I bet it's not even important! Rei thought about it. "Well, I guess I understand where you're coming from. Me, I always felt like I was living in the moment, ne? I mean, sure, we knew the future but to me the road there was an interesting one. I knew what route it was--but I didn't know the scenery we'd see along the way. MIKE: [Rei] I like riding buses with a bag over my head. Minako nodded seriously. "Well, Time and Life wait for a slow man." TOM: [Rei] Yeah! They're giving me another two weeks to pay my subscription bill! "That's, 'Time and tide wait for no man!'" announced an indignant voice from the baggage compartment above Rei. CROW: I like him already. TOM: Hey! Who let Homey the Clown in here? "Artemis!" yelled Minako. "What are you doing up there?!?!" MIKE: [Artemis] Ummm, nothing, just eavesdropping. The white tomcat grinned stupidly. "I just wanted a little time away from Luna. Since she gave birth to Diana, she's just been 'in a mood' all the time and I thought a weekend away would do us both some good. Besides, I've never been here." TOM: [Artemis] That, and I charged up $600 of 1-900 calls on the phone bill. Rei giggled. "I bet you're going to get it from her when you get back." CROW: Oooohh...kinky! MIKE: Watch it, Crow. "Probably." He jumped down into Minako's outstretched arms. "Besides, if it's a trap, you'll need my advice." MIKE: [Artemis] *Somebody* has to contrive the plot! "There are probably not enough people left on this poor excuse for a planet to throw a surprise birthday party, much less a trap," Rei said. TOM: Cue famous last words... An hour ago... CROW: It's Flashback Timmmmmeeeee!!!! "So, this castle is where Wiseman was based, hunh?" asked Minako to their native guide. The man nodded. He bore an uncomfortably close resemblance to Dimando and Sapphir, but thankfully did not have a black moon crescent marked on his forehead. MIKE: ...the hell? What does this have to do with anything? When you have a flashback, doesn't it have to be related to the last thing you talked about?!! TOM: Apparently not, Nelson. "Exactly. He always had something of a reputation as a sorcerer, but when word reached us that he had killed Lord Sapphir... and Prince Dimando as well... there had been rumors linking him to the Death Phantom cult..." CROW: As well as the Branch Davidians and Heavens' Gate. "They were true in a big way," Minako said, scowling. "It was his cult." MIKE: What does it mean to be *true in a big way*? TOM: I guess it means he wasn't a big liar. "It couldn't have been, not originally," protested their guide, who, annoyingly, had not introduced himself. "I checked the colonization records, he was a real man...once. He was an explorer, a scout for the early colonists. It was his job to look for a better site than this world, or to find, well, potential allies for a fight against Earth. " CROW: *One guy* trying to destroy a planet? I think *not*! Minako whispered to Rei. "Do you think he found the Zero Star in Saggitarius?" CROW: [Rei] No, but I think he's found the ring around Uranus! [snicker] MIKE: Crow, come on. TOM: Please! The priestess nodded hesitantly, distracted by her perceptions. "He was consumed by the evil power he summoned," she murmured. Rei stood entranced, not really looking at the castle, just drinking in its evil essence, tasting it for potency. MIKE: [Rei] Ummm...tastes like...stone! "Yes, there is still some power here," she whispered. CROW: [Rei] And now, once I have it, I will RULE THE WORLD!!! TOM: Take it easy, buddy. Rei snapped out of her trance. "Minako, let's investigate this thing. If there's any kind of potential threat here, we should know about it. CROW: [Rei] If we don't, there won't be a story. Ten minutes ago... TOM: Oh, I get it! It's a countdown! MIKE: Hopefully the fanfic will blow up then. CROW: Oh, it really hasn't been too bad so far. "SPLIT UP!" yelled Rei as she took the corner at a flat-out run. "One of us has got to let the Queen know!" MIKE: [Minako] About what? We haven't found the potential threat that we should know about yet! Minako nodded and as the two of them approached a juncture in the hallway, she spun around and skidded to a stop. TOM: Hunh. Good brakes. "Baka!!" she yelped, making a very rude gesture above her head. If Minako's memory served her right, Rei's hallway reconnected to the main hall near the front door. Rei had the best shot at escaping--this gamble was worth the risk. She just hoped she could get clear of the thing chasing them. CROW: The background plot, ladies and gentlemen. So nice of Nightman to let us know. The thing that looked like Wiseman, but sounded like Metallia. MIKE: [imitates guitar riff] Chaos itself, once again incarnate. TOM: This could be messy. "Minako!" yelled Artemis from a side doorway. She headed toward the voice before she looked and squeezed through a narrow door and sideways through some kind of access hallway. Small panels were set at eye level along it. "How cliché," she thought to herself. "Spy holes..." MIKE: You know, I'd bet that Minako doesn't even know what cliché means. "Minako! A small window!" exclaimed Artemis from the end of the access hallway. CROW: [Artemis] I can't speak in complete sentences! She squeezed her way along to it. She reached for her transformation wand, planning to properly change into Sailor Venus. TOM: But she just didn't have time to get naked. Something made her glance up the narrow hallway. MIKE: Her muscles, maybe? The cowled figure of Chaos was oozing up the hall with the speed of a shadow moving against the wall, its crystalline body a mass of darkness lit by glittering stars. TOM: Wow, it's so...vivid. She didn't have time to transform and jump out. She grabbed Artemis and dove for the window. CROW: Uh, isn't that what she's doing now? At the last moment she realized that the window didn't look out onto the grounds below. It opened on the Abyss. CROW: [Minako] Oh, poopie! What Has Gone Before TOM: [Shatner] These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise... The Black Moon Clan invaded Earth in the 30th century. They lost. MIKE: They got beat real bad. Minako Aino, Sailor Venus, and Rei Hino, Sailor Mars, traveled to the "nega-moon" to survey its state and commence formal talks with the handful of humans left behind by the attack fleet. CROW: So, apparently the story so far is...uh... I can't figure it out...it's so cryptic... MIKE: Hang in there, buddy. While there, they investigated the mysterious castle of the evil being known to them as "Wiseman." They discovered that Chaos itself lingered there and fled, hoping to get a warning to their allies back in Crystal Tokyo. Minako was cornered in a dead end hallway by Chaos. Reacting with her finely honed athletic reflexes, the young warrior grabbed her cat and dove out a nearby window. TOM: Yeah, but why not say that? It happened in the LAST FRIGGIN' PARAGRAPH!!! MIKE: Tom, calm down. It's going pretty well. Too late, she realized that the window was a dimensional portal that led... elsewhere. She fell into the starry abyss of time/space. CROW: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of CRAP! This is the story of what happened to Aino Minako, her destiny, and a long-lost secret of the Silver Millennium. TOM: The names have been changed to protect the innocent...wait... there are no innocent. All these people have their actual names, and are guilty of appearing in bad fanfics until proven innocent. MIKE: [hums Dragnet theme] CHAPTER ONE: GABRIELLE CROW: So I assume this is the Xena part. She fell into darkness, like the darkness between the worlds, but the stars were strange and so unlike those she'd seen before. They pulsed like rippling quicksilver spheres, each a moment in time she passed by, never to touch any of them again. The stars were many and she fell into a shower of them flowing upward. TOM: Aha! She's stuck in a glass of Mountain Dew! And she realized that if the moments of her life were flowing past her, she must be falling back in time. MIKE: So that's how those fifty-year old actresses look so young! She didn't scream. There was no point in it, and there was no point in putting on a show. She held Artemis closely to her. They were together alone again, as it had been in the beginning, as she thought they always would be. CROW: Oh, no, please, God, no... TOM: No. I refuse to believe that Oscar could have helped out on this fic. Please, no...don't let my day be ruined... Even Luna couldn't quite understand the bond they shared; her own link to Usagi was more motherly. MIKE: IfyaknowwhatImean! TOM: No, we don't. MIKE: Sorry. Artemis was like her foster brother. They knew that their relationship was described by who and what they were, but they had a spiritual connection that went beyond that. CROW: [jaw hangs open] ... TOM: The verdict is still out...is it Original flavour or Lemon? You decide! What Minako didn't know and what Artemis couldn't find the words to tell her was that it wasn't his being a magical cat that let them have such a special bond. CROW: Oh, duh! It was a quality of Minako's soul. MIKE: What soul? All joking aside, sadly, Aino Minako was a much more special person than she gave herself credit for. TOM: And?...What does this have to do with anything? They fell endlessly, and then they fell into a pool of silver and there was light and the ground rushing at them and Minako couldn't move her body was cold so cold and tired and the ground was there and there was a big stone and... CROW: AGGGGGHGHHGHGHGA! Slow down! My head hurts! MIKE: Now it looks like Scott Janicek is writing this story. PAIN. CROW: [clutching head] You're tellin' me! Artemis came to consciousness at the sound of voices speaking an unfamiliar language. He was in a great deal of pain, but he thought he'd make it. Though a cat is a weak, vulnerable creature, his magical nature made him a bit sturdier. MIKE: [Garfield] Hey, bite me, buddy! He dimly came to realize that he was clinging to a tree branch. The fall had been something else. TOM: That is correct, you dope! Fall does not equal tree branch!!! MIKE: Tom, I think you need some Ritalin. He tried to get his bearings and looked around. He didn't have the strength to pull himself onto the limb fully, CROW: [Artemis] Hmm. Why does this remind me of Oscar? MIKE: CROW!! but the drop didn't look too bad and there was a bush below him so he let go and fell. TOM: Unfortunately, there was a raised sickle sticking out of the bush, and Artemis became impaled upon it, blood gushing from his internal organs. MIKE: Tom, you feeling okay? [drops some pills inside TOM's dome] TOM: Urrrgh! Aggh! Oh, thanks, Mike! It knocked the wind out of him, and he slipped partly back into unconsciousness. CROW: Which is what reading this fic is like. The villagers were gathered around the form of Aino Minako where she lay on the ground, her head resting against a large white stone the size and shape of a pillow. MIKE: Oooh...that either hurts like all get out or she's pretty damn lucky. "Girl! Are you alive?" asked a woman. She hesitantly touched Minako on the arm and warily peered at the side of the girl's head. MIKE: Yeah, baby...you look good enough to eat! CROW: Hey, Mike? You want a time out? MIKE: Bite me. "Ummhh..." Minako groaned. "We should get her back to the village. She must have climbed a tree to escape bandits or something, and then fallen out" said one of the other people. TOM: Oh, great! I guess it's either a Cinderella or Wizard of Oz crossover! The woman nodded. "Or slavers. You two," she said gesturing at two youths, "you should be able to carry a young girl like this without any problems." She looked kindly on Minako. "Why she's almost the same age as my daughter Lili!" she said. CROW: [klaxon noises] MIKE & TOM: Plot point! Plot Point! Plot Point! Minako moaned again. TOM: It's Games again! "Girl, do you have a name?" asked the woman. Minako half- opened her eyes. She heard voices babbling in a strange language. It wasn't Japanese, any Chinese she'd heard, or English. MIKE: It was Latvian. She grew afraid. CROW: Very afraid....BWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The woman could see that in her eyes. She laid a hand on her arm, reassuringly. "I'm Deaniya," she said. "What's your name?" Minako still looked blankly at her. The woman repeated her name and touched her heart. CROW: Whoah! She's got no flesh! TOM: If Earthworm Jim were a movie, this would be it. She turned to one of the others. "She may have lost speech from that head wound," she said. "She may be a half-wit now." MIKE: Gee, hon, I think that's actually been since birth. The woman repeated her attempt to tell Minako her name. Finally, comprehension dawned on the young girl. She weakly put her hand to her own breast. CROW: [laughs like Beavis] TOM: Make him stop, Mike!! MIKE: [thwacks CROW] CROW: Whoo...uh...I needed that! She barely managed to babble out something totally incomprehensible. MIKE: Like eriuvwiodbcoijbwonnmdkwnbjkfef? BOTS: Wow! How'd you do that? MIKE: Ain't tellin'. Nearby, a semi-comatose Artemis heard all this, but like Minako didn't speak the native language. Or realize that Minako had sustained a head injury. CROW: Although it didn't matter. But, the villagers' tones were of concern, so assuming that Minako would be all right until he could get back with her, he allowed himself to slip into blissful unconsciousness again. TOM: [Artemis] God, I love being stoned! Sometime later, Artemis felt a light touch on his body. He awoke to see a band of strange-looking women decorated wildly with feathers and masks and carrying spears bent over him. MIKE: Cue shameless stereotype... "What's this mark on his forehead?" asked a young girl who the party was escorting. CROW: Party! Whooooo! By blood right, this girl was the Princess of the Amazons. Her older step-sister put her hand on her shoulder. "It's dead. Leave it." TOM: I suddenly have a strong sense of foreboding... "But, Velasca! Look! The Goddesses' mark is on her head...!" MIKE: Guys, you know the drill... CROW: [klaxon noises] MIKE & TOM: Plot Point! Plot Point! Plot point! "His head," corrected Velasca, who'd checked. TOM: Oh, no! That must mean that Artemis is a hermaphrodite too! MIKE: NO, TOM!!! "I think he's alive, look, his eyes are opening! Surely, this cat is sacred to Artemis!" she said. CROW: My word, they're just raining plot points on us! TOM: [singing] It's raining plot points, oh, lord, it's raining plot points... The aforementioned cat couldn't believe that after a rapid- flurry of complete gibberish, this girl knew his name! Minako must have sent them to get him. "I'm Artemis!" he said coming to his feet. MIKE: [Artemis] And you're not. "AIEIEIEEEEEEE!!!" screamed the Amazons jumping back. TOM: [Speedy Gonzalez] Holy frijoles! The young princess held her ground and whirled to point at the feline. "He speaks! Name of our Goddess, he speaks her name!!!" she babbled. "Amazons!" she said in her young but commanding voice. "This is Artemis' sacred cat! We must gather him up, care for his injuries...and take him to the Great Temple of Artemis!" MIKE: [Jack Perkins] Tonight on A&E...Plot Convenience Theatre... "Your will, my princess," said one of the scouts, Ephany. Velasca frowned. She didn't like it when her authority was questioned. True, she was the queen's adopted daughter, but she was older, a better huntress... CROW: ...a better lover... MIKE: Crow... The women picked up Artemis and put him in a cage hastily improvised out of two wicker baskets that had held trade goods. By the time the groggy cat realized the error he'd made, it was too late, and the band was on it's way to Hellespont. TOM: Hellespont...is that in Finland? Days passed. CROW: Stuff happened. Minako, without the stimulation of Artemis' presence, did not regain her memories. The kind woman who'd had her brought out of the forest and into the village cared for her, and was relieved to see that though Minako could not speak the Greek language, she was obviously bright and cheerful. MIKE: So, after all, these people are Greeks? TOM: But Amazons don't live in Greece! And, the woman thought, she made a good sister to her daughter. CROW: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink... Yes, indeed. She would have two daughters. She would name her new daugher using a name from the wandering people who had passed through a few years before, 'Gabrielle.' TOM:[angrily] AUUUGHHHH! NOOOO! I will not have this! This is just so wrong! There is no way in *hell* that Gabrielle is really Minako Aino! I refuse to believe this! I reject Nightman and all his works! MIKE: Tom, you need more pills. In a little while, no one would ever remember that this young woman wasn't her flesh and blood. TOM: Because she was in charge of lobotomies. MIKE: Dark, Tom...really dark. And a few years later when the girl had grown up and set off to see the world, no one did. CROW: And frankly, no one cared. Growing up, Gabrielle was always a little on the odd side. But then, she'd gotten such a late start at the language it almost made sense that she'd want to learn to read too. And her mind...when first they took her into the village, she was content to work alongside the other girls and play games but before the first year was out, her inquisitiveness had asserted itself. TOM: Up to the point where she desired to know what Artemis looked like shaved. MIKE: Tom, you need a nap. She wanted to know everything and she always pestered the bards who passed through for all the songs they could give her. She loved to dance, and sometimes she sang to herself. When she got a little older, she loved to tell those stories to others. CROW: ['Gabrielle']When I was your age, I had to walk fifteen miles to school ...with no shoes...in the SNOW! There was a time for romance in her life. She met a handsome boy, Perdicus, but something, some lost forgotten something kept her from wanting to marry him. MIKE: He must have *forgotten* to take a few baths. One day, when she was just in her twenties, she and a bunch of the other village girls were captured by slavers. TOM: You know, I don't really like where this is going. The bunch of them were backed into a group as the maruders herded them on. Something started to wake up in her, feebly. She tried to fight back, but the reflexes...weren't there. She managed to look really defiant though. CROW: ['Gabrielle'] Maybe if I look tough, they won't frag me! Just then, when pretty much all hope was lost, a piercing battle cry split the air, and a raven-haired woman warrior--clad only in her underwear--came flipping out of the trees and barefooted and barehanded thrashed the entire band of slavers. ALL: And we have...CROSSOVER! Her name was Xena: Warrior Princess. And Gabrielle knew that to follow her destiny meant to travel after Xena. MIKE: Or else, the story would end. TOM: I'm game. MIKE: Let's go. I need a break. [picks up TOM] [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL] GYPSY: Well, guys...how's the story? TOM: You know, Gypsy, it's kinda like a concrete enema. All the tension is just tearing me apart. And all the plot points...I just can't take it...[starts beating his head against the desk]The PAIN! THE PAIN!!!! [As MIKE and CROW try to restrain TOM, various parts fly off of him as he bangs his head against the desk.] MIKE: Easy, buddy! Easy! [Suddenly, TOM stops. He is missing his dome and part of the buttons on his chest.] TOM: Whew! I feel much better! Let's go back in! MIKE: Why, you...[grabs TOM and shakes him severely] [Commercials] --------- READERS: To go to Part II, click on your Back button and click on the next part. 6 November 1997 You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/