Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Part II [SoL Theatre. TOM is missing his dome.] Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! A Xena: Warrior Princess/ Sailor Moon Crossover! ALL: BOOOO!!!1 AUTHOR'S NOTE: Having fallen through a timewarp, Minako hit her head and developed amnesia. TOM: Oh, what a farm-fresh plot twist. Now, years later, she has taken on a new identity: Gabrielle, sidekick to Xena Warrior Princess. MIKE: Yeah, that'll happen. Two footnotes in this chapter summarize some prior events which are particularly key to this story. CROW: Do we *have* to? CHAPTER TWO: TOM: Audience 0. APHRODITE Two years spent traveling with Xena broadened Gabrielle in ways she could never have imagined. CROW: IfyaknowwhatImean!! As she stood back-to- back with the raven-haired warrior, they fought off a seeming army of brigands, intent on pillaging this innocent village. MIKE: Uh, what's a brigand? TOM: I'm absolutely certain that I haven't the foggiest. Gabrielle spun her staff and cracked one bandit in the head, taking him down, bloodlessly. TOM: She's not Gabrielle!! For the last time! CROW: Tom, for the sake of the 'story', let's please relax. She abhorred bloodshed, but she had come to grips with the necessity of violence. In it's place. TOM: A cute little place...with mirrors on the ceiling...a waterbed... Truth be told, MIKE: ...This story sucks! since she had married Perdicus & Callisto had slain him the next day just to mess with her head, violence came a lot easier. CROW: Whaaaat? How does that work? Oh true, Xena had kept her from giving in to it. But it was there and now she knew it. She knew she had a capacity for it that might even equal Xena's. CROW: Her bust size, no doubt. MIKE: Crow, I'm just dying to give you a time-out. And sometimes, when she handled a sword, TOM: She remembered those lonely Friday nights... MIKE: TOM! she thought she remembered...some other time, when she had held a sword. CROW: And it was so *big* and *hard*!! MIKE: CROW! Just one more, and you're out! The bandits routed, Xena turned to her and frowned. "Gabrielle! You weren't paying attention! That'll get you killed in a fight." MIKE: [Xena] Or run over by a bus! Gabrielle blinked. "Oh, sorry Xena." TOM: I guess she still *is* Minako. Xena shook her head and walked off to tend to an injured villager. She had no idea that Gabrielle's occasional flighty lapses were actually caused by deeper, more disturbing thoughts; CROW: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you... and truthfully, if she did, she wouldn't care TOM: Why doesn't Gabrielle care? Film at 11. because either way, Gabrielle wasn't paying enough attention during the melee and it could have gotten her killed. MIKE: You guys ever feel dčja vu? Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus... TOM: [announcer] Elliot Ness and his Untouchables speed to the site of the shooting... Zeus was looking over the battlefield. He'd heard things from the other gods about this woman, Xena. CROW: Like that neat trick she can do with her... MIKE: CROW!!!! That's it! CROW: I didn't mean anything...I was trying to say...uh...ooh... MIKE: [tapes CROW's mouth shut] CROW: MMMRPH! MRRRPKH! Ares' claims he dismissed; Hades rumblings he ignored; Poseidon's demands he repudiated; and Aphrodite's whinings he blocked out with ear plugs made of moly. TOM: Neat! *Moly* Putty! But only a few months ago, his son had given up his partial godhood for love of the woman Serena, TOM: NO! Not more crossover!!! MIKE: Tom, you have to *grow up* to be a woman. TOM: Good point. who had been the last Golden Hind. And while the fight with Ares' lackey had been a crashing failure for the now-mortal Hercules, Zeus had been astonished that in his favorite son's hour of need, his MIKE: ...Depends had failed him. former lover Xena and her follower had shown up and executed a convoluted plan to expose Ares' machinations. TOM: And that's illegal in 48 states. And, frankly, the way she yelled at Ares had been rather heartwarming. MIKE: In a strange, evil sort of way. No, there was something special about this one alright. Still, she'd meddled one time too many and caused a tremendous problem that he really couldn't deal with himself. TOM: I could have handled it...if it weren't for you meddling kids! And that problem had two names: Velasca and Callisto. MIKE: So they should be *two* problems, right? TOM: Apparently, Velasca and Callisto are codependent. No, Xena would have to deal with them. But, he would see if he could arrange a little help for her. It was inappropriate for the gods to fight; even though Velasca had already destroyed one of Artemis' temples, she truly hadn't done enough to invite direct reprisal. MIKE: You have to give wedgies to get that. Yet. But it wasn't Velasca that Zeus was worried about. She had dreams to supplant Artemis, yes. But Artemis could deal with her when the time came. It was Callisto. She lived only to deal out pain. TOM: And a little heroin here and there. And it was forbidden for the gods to take innocent mortal lives. MIKE: They had assistants for that. That wouldn't stop her. She'd kill and kill to make Xena crazed with remorse. TOM: Again, how does *that* work? When she had made those transgressions, then only would the laws of the gods allow him to cast her into Tartarus. TOM: Better than casting her into Uranus. [giggle] MIKE: Tom...what have I told you guys about that? TOM: Sorry. CROW: MRRRRRPH!! But hundreds of mortals might be dead before then. Besides, the bitch might just climb out armed with the power of the banished titans. MIKE: Whoah! Somebody sounds bitter! Zeus suddenly stopped his musings and smiled. 'Ah,' he thought, 'the power of the Titans.' CROW: [removes tape] They're my favourite brand! MIKE: Oh, brother. TOM: Give it up, Mike. It's his scthick. Zeus's smile broadened. It was time to cheat. CROW: [snooty] Humph. That dirty rotten scoundrel. "Aphrodite!" he called. In a puff of pink smoke, the sultry blonde diva appeared wearing diaphanous pink robes. Well, robes was a bit generous. Nightgown might have been more correct. MIKE: [Butthead] Whoah! I'm gettin' a woody! CROW: [Beavis] I'm pitchin' a tent! TOM: Guys... "Like, what, Oh Mighty Overlord and King of the Gods? Say, them are some bitchin' threads you're wearin' today. Been to Persia?" she said pointing at his godly robes. TOM: So Aphrodite is Alicia Silverstone. "Aphrodite," he said, starting to regret his plan already. "You've met Xena." MIKE: [Aphrodite] Like, yeah! Otherwise your diabolical plan won't work! "And her annoying little blond sidekick," said the goddess of Passion, the 80's, Valley-speak, and Big Mall Hair. CROW: ...the hell? TOM: The shameless anachronisms, the oh-so-wrong plot twists...It's just so horrible!!! AAAAAAGHAGHGAHGH! [starts banging head against his chair] MIKE: Tom, calm down, please! CROW: Since they've just massacred the time-space continuum, maybe the resulting paradox will end this for us! MIKE: Crow, that's *really* dark. You're scaring me. "Imagine, breaking vases in my temple to get my attention? Who does the little bimbette think she is, TOM: [Aphrodite] Joan Crawford? the Pink Ranger?!?" TOM: Oh, great. Just shot my ref to hell. She pouted cutely, hands on her hips, the pale pink cloak over her robes billowing fetchingly in the non- existent breeze. CROW: So, if I'm reading this correctly, she has a huge case of static cling. Zeus looked at her blankly. It was really annoying that thanks to her direct parentage from Uranus (thanks to his father, Chronos), this third-class goddess had time travel powers like no one else in the Pantheon. MIKE: This casual ability to bend time and space is pretty common, I see. "I wish you...oh never mind. I have something for you." CROW: [Zeus] It's hard, but not hard, long, but not long, and it's got a rubber on the end of it... MIKE: CROW!!! CROW: It's a pencil, Mike, but it shows you're thinking! TOM: The pencil sketch, ladies and gentlemen. "A present?!" she squealed. "What is it?!" "A job." MIKE: Our Porto-potties need to be emptied. She deflated. [ALL make balloon deflating noise] "You are like, so totally no-fun that it's scary. The mortals ought to make you the god of boring-ness." TOM: Um, that position is filled by Al Gore. "And a compliment." "Oh? What? That I'm the prettiest goddess? That I have the best fashion sense? MIKE: [Aphrodite] Not that there's all that much you can do with a toga. The coolest temples? I know all that." CROW: You know, this Aphrodite is pretty annoying. TOM: *Pretty* Annoying? "That you're the cleverest, most conniving sneak on Olympus, smarter than Athena, sneakier than Hera, and bitchier than Artemis," he said matter-of-factly. MIKE: Sheesh. What a compliment. CROW: I was kinda leaning towards "your hair/face/makeup looks nice". Aphrodite stopped her bubbling and looked at Zeus. In a more level voice she said, "Oh? And when did you wake up and smell the cappuccino?" TOM: Man. It's like this fic is really dated! CROW: If I see an Atari reference, I'm gonna scream. Zeus smiled wryly, "The Pantheon has need for your wits Aphrodite. I'm merely selecting the right goddess for the job. And if you repeat the compliment, I'll deny it." MIKE: Zeus should run for the Senate. Aphrodite sat down on a couch that appeared beneath her. "Well, go on, old man. I'm listening now." TOM: [Zeus] Then you didn't hear my compliment! I will now smite thee! "The neonate goddesses, Velasca and Callisto, are about to break free and go on a bloody rampage. I want them stopped." CROW: Oh, bloody hell. Aphrodite shot him a look of disbelief. "Oh, you have, like GOT to be kidding me!" she said, laughing. "Like I'd pick a fight with those trendy bitches! Callisto especially, she is so 90's-Madonna with her little dominatrix outfit!" CROW: Wow! So she's got the nose cones too! MIKE: Uhh, Crow? "Actually, I wanted you to get Xena to deal with them for me." TOM: It's time I passed the buck around a little. Aphrodite paused, and looked at Zeus, her mouth forming a moue for a moment before she pointed above her head. A lit 60-watt bulb appeared 9" over her head for 3 seconds and then disappeared. The special effect was tackily cheap. CROW: Like this fanfic. MIKE: Is anyone else here having trouble with all of these blatant anacronisms? TOM: Ditto! "You mean you want me to put her up to it and help her a little," she said, coyly. MIKE: [Aphrodite] ...And then make 'dem go bed-bye with 'da fishes? Boy, boss, you sure are smart! In the corner, the three fates had stopped their work for a moment and were watching the two gods. Lachesis had taken out her ruler and was preparing to adjust the mark on it. CROW: [Lachesis] Silly man! He *knows* it's not that long! MIKE: CROW!!! CROW: What? Zeus stalked towards the Great Portal at the summit of the platform atop Olympus. "I want you to help Xena to get her hands on the Scythe of Chronos." CROW: [Zeus] Among other things, nudge, nudge, wink, wink... MIKE: Oh, brother. TOM: Wow! He just keeps on going! "NO! You mustn't!" cried Hades, materializing out of nowhere. He was definitely hurried, as he hadn't taken the time to slick back his hair, put on black armor, and make his face pale. End result: he was looking like a young hunk, as Persephone preferred. MIKE: Jack Parkman makes an appearance. Aphrodite nearly growled with lust at the sight. TOM: Hmmm. Gr...Grf...G...Geh...no, doesn't work. Zeus turned around, taken aback. "What were you doing listening in here?" he asked in a dangerous voice of his youngest brother. "This is not your place." CROW: [Zeus, Southern style] So gyonoutahear! "That scythe can slay a god! That makes it my business! Xena has had bad dealings with several of us, what if she takes it into her head to come killing gods?!?" MIKE: Then the fanfic would end. [Pregnant pause] ALL: GO XENA!!! GO XENA!!! GO XENA!!! KILL THE GODS!!! "You've been reading way too much Saberhagen again," commented Aphrodite wryly. TOM: Or (b) eating the big mushrooms again. Zeus haughtily commented, "Well, if Ares gets involved in the fray I suppose she might dispatch him; they have been enemies in the past. Still, he has done her at least one good turn in restoring her to her proper body. MIKE: [Zeus] And what a body it is. [whistles] BOTS: Mike, you need to get out more. Something, which I might add, you might have done yourself. You, I think she does not like." CROW: So, what is going on so far? MIKE: I haven't the foggiest. TOM: Uh, what happened to the other Sailor Scouts? And Artemis? CROW: They must have been buried by the plot. "Mortals aren't supposed to like death," said Hades petulantly. MIKE: [Hades] They're supposed to LOVE it! "Xena likes Thanatos, or Celesta as she prefers, more than you. And she's the embodiment of death. Face it Hades, you've been a perfect ass to her on several occasions." TOM: [Hades] So why does she like Thanatos better than me? Hades scowled. CROW: [Hades] Dirty *&%*$)*^! MIKE: What was that? CROW: I don't know. I don't feel so good. Aphrodite snickered and proceeded to drape herself over the god, running her hands across her chest in a blatant grope. TOM; The story that tried to be a lemon... MIKE: [Butthead] Hehh hehh. Cop a feel! Hades scowled again. "Aphrodite, stop that. I'm a married god." CROW: [Hades] I've got six kids and I'm mortgaged up the wazoo with my house. I'm not in the mood today. She snickered again. "Not like that ever stopped Zeus, here." TOM: [falsetto] Scandalous! He shrugged her off, and she released her grip. MIKE: Aphro-grip! "Aphrodite...born of Uranus CROW: [chuckle] by the stroke of Chronos' scythe, you alone among the gods other than myself are immune to its deadly touch. For this reason alone, only you may safely guide Xena to it. No mortal can be trusted to such power. The rest of us will withdraw CROW: [laughs like Beavis] MIKE: Crow, enough. for a short time to confer about other godly matters and leave you to your work." Zeus entered the great portal and disappeared. [TOM makes flushing noise] MIKE: Tom,... Aphrodite scowled and put her fists on her hips. "That old buzzard! Like, I can't believe what a mess he just dropped into my lap!! ALL: Ewwwwwwww!! Hey, Hades, where the hell do you think you're going, mister?!?" CROW: Wow! This just turned into an episode of Full House! Hades, who had been turning away and about to teleport back into the realm of the dead, paused. "You want my help, don't you," he scowled. TOM: [Aphrodite] No, I want to sell you a vacuum cleaner. OF COURSE I WANT YOUR HELP!!! MIKE: Tom, it's just a fanfic. Relax. "Well, for one thing, that damnned weapon can't be wielded by a normal mortal," she began. "Though Xena had a touch of Ambrosia on her lips to revive her once, so she should be able to. If not, maybe Ares has given her a little something extra ...but if they need help, I'm not sure who I can bring in. I'm not getting my baby, Cupid, anywhere near it!" CROW: [Aphrodite] It's hot and it hurts and stuff! "You want me to provide another champion? I can't release anyone else out of the underworld for Xena." "Then, I guess you'd better FIND someone to be your personal champion and do it toot-sweet, honey, because I'm not sure that even Xena armed with the power of the Titans is going to be able to deal with Callisto and Velasca." TOM: Waitwaitwait. Time out! What is going on here? Are the gods for or against Xena? What the hell is Hades trying to do here anyway. WHAT'S GOING ON? MIKE: Suddenly, I think I know what a brain hemmhorage feels like. Hades paused, and looked thoughtful. "Perhaps...I do know where I might find a champion." He looked at her. "But I may need just a little bit of your help to bring her into play." CROW: I suddenly sense a great deal of foreshadowing. MIKE: That makes two of us. Aphrodite waved dismissively and cracked her bubblegum. "What-ever! Just be ready if and when I yell for backup, OK?!?" TOM: [Hades] Yeah, sure, whatever. Hades nodded once; he turned and looked at the Fates, smiled slightly, and then vanished in a dark cascade of smoke. Aphrodite sighed like an injured diva and stalked away. MIKE: It looks like Nightman has hit the brakes on the story. The three fates turned back to the tapestry. Lachesis handed Clotho a green thread. The spinner attached a ball of thread to it and handed it back to Lachesis. CROW: It's the Greek predecessor to tetherball! The measurer wove it into the tapestry as far as the tapestry went at the moment and tossed the remaining ball of thread up to the top of the wall where just a very few other thread balls were sitting. TOM: So that they wouldn't be alone anymore. Atropos scowled and looked disappointed. MIKE: [Atrophos] Green? I hate green! Then she bent forward to examine another thread. This one was golden and appeared in the tapestry out of nowhere fully formed. She followed it with her eyes as its color dimmed to yellow, in particular after it became entwined with a strong black thread. She looked at it very closely. Both threads suddenly looked to her like she might be cutting them soon. CROW: ZZZZZZZZZZ [snort] Auch! MIKE: Is anybody getting this? 1 In the manga, I'm told, Venus has a holy sword and fights Beryl with it at one point. TOM: Hey! No fair! He didn't tell us that he was going into a resource file! 2 In the episode "Hooves & Harlots" Gabrielle throws her body over the fallen body of the Amazon Princess during an ambush. For her simple, honest courage, the mortally wounded amazon bestows her Caste-right on Gabrielle making her the princess. CROW: Hunh. Neat. [yawn] In a later episode, the Amazon queen Melosa has been challenged and defeated by Velasca; Velasca is about to ascend to the throne of the amazons when Gabrielle is found and claims the throne. MIKE: Yeah? So? Xena had been previously injured and was essentially dead, but her spirit was restless and following Gabrielle. With her new followers & Autolycus the King of Thieves, Gabrielle got to a supply of Ambrosia, the food of the gods that grants godhood itself and got a sliver to Xena's "dead" body. CROW: Oh! Just like the naughty tentacles! MIKE: Crow... End result: alive Xena. TOM: End result: Audience bored. However, Velasca got in the way and during the fight with her, fell into a pit of spikes. Unfortunately, more than a sliver of Ambrosia fell right next to her. End result: the Goddess Velasca, whose goal it is to supplant the huntress goddess Artemis, for "failing" the Amazon nation. CROW: And this is important because?... In order to stop Velasca, Xena and Gabrielle released Xena's nemesis, the psychopathic Callisto, from the Labyrinth of the Gods where she'd been confined after tricking Hercules into leading her to the legendary Golden Apples of the Hesperides, [ALL snicker] which grant immortality (but not godhood). Xena tricked Velasca and Callisto into fighting; Callisto got some of Velasca's Ambrosia; and Xena cut the ropes that kept the bridge they were on from falling into a river of lava. End result: two evil goddesses being kept in check ONLY by a river of flaming molten rock. TOM: Oh, that'll happen. They were weak and newly made divine when they went in. But it's been a few months... CROW: It got weird...the rules started to change. MIKE: Let's take a break, guys. [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] [MIKE is sitting between CROW and TOM, behind the desk.] MIKE: Okay, guys...let's attempt to figure out what's going on in there. TOM: Well, Mike, let me give it a shot... Let's see, um, in the beginning, Minako and Artemis fall into a time warp, and Minako gets K.Oed, and Artemis is made into a god, but disappears, and, eh, something happens to Minako, and people call her Gabrielle, [getting frantic] and uh, some more stuff happens, and some other stuff with some gods happens, and then a god comes back from the 80's, and EVEN MORE STUFF HAPPENS, AND SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS WITH HADES AND...AND...AAAGAGAH!!! I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! [TOM repeats last line as MIKE & CROW try to comfort him] MIKE: Calm down, please get ahold of yourself! Crow! CROW: I'll handle this. [slaps TOM] MIKE: Here, let me. [slaps CROW] CROW: [grasping stick, hits TOM with it] Calm down! MIKE: [gets a crowbar, hits TOM with it] Calm down! [Commercial Sign flashes] CROW: We'll be right back! [hits TOM again] [Commercials] [SoL Theater] [Everyone takes seats] CHAPTER THREE: XENA CROW: Hopefully this is where it gets good. MIKE: 'Fraid not, buddy. Xena walked among the survivors of the attack on the village of Kal'ghari. TOM: [Canadian] Hey! You misspelled Calgary, eh? CROW: [Canadian] Damn Yanks! The people had acquitted themselves well. Still, if the Warlord Viishus Kl'l regathered his forces and led an attack... MIKE: ...he would get 1200 experience points? ...well, she'd just have to kick his ass in person, heh, heh, heh... ALL: SHUT UP!!! Her smile froze and faded. She enjoyed the thrill of battle, especially now that she could pick fights for worthy causes, but Gabrielle was bothering her again. CROW: [Xena] For the last time, Gabrielle, you may *not* have any of my bust creme! MIKE: CROW!!! CROW: What? She loved the woman as the sister she never had, but for all Gabrielle's courage, she worried that someday the woman's inattentiveness would get her killed in battle. TOM: Sounds like Minako to me. That some blow would fall that Xena couldn't stop. But, if she sent Gabrielle away, who would help her keep her dark side in check? MIKE: Gary Kasparov? Truth be told, Gabrielle was a part of the "warrior princess" fighting for good. The Xena who looked out on the world was something of both of them, and without... CROW: Pride? TOM: Intelligence? MIKE: Ratings? CROW: Underwear? MIKE: CROW! "Penny for your thoughts?" asked a cheerful, yet mocking voice. TOM: [voice] Oh, it's you. Give me my change. "A what?!?" asked Xena looking up and pulling her sword. Her senses hadn't detected anyone walking up that close to her. When she saw who had appeared by her, she nearly groaned in dismay. MIKE: [Xena] Look, 'Church of Religious Consciousness', I gave at the office! "Aphrodite. What do you want?" she asked. CROW: [Xena] As if I had time to deal with you immortal beings. Aphrodite put on a sweet face, took a deep breath...and suddenly exhaled. TOM: I call no Bill Clinton jokes! "Shit I don't have time for this! Here's the deal, babe: Callisto & Velasca are breaking free, like," MIKE: [Valley Girl] Ohmigod! Aphrodite paused and consulted her digital pager, "about an hour from now. CROW: [Aphrodite] So, I can fit you in after my 2:30. Is that OK? Certain parties up on good ole' Mount Olympus have decided that the best way to deal with them is to help you get the means to kill them. So, we're on a quest as of now. Are we clear on this?" ALL: NO!! Xena stiffened at the presumption Aphrodite made of her. "What power? What are you talking about?" TOM: [Xena] I'm the lead character! Why wasn't I told earlier? Aphrodite looked at her. "It's a secret of the Gods," she said, "An artifact of the Titans, the--" CROW: ... MIKE: Don't say it. "Scythe of Chronos!" exclaimed Xena. Aphrodite's eyes nearly popped out. CROW: That's gotta hurt. "Hidden in a cave in the side of the cliff that is the final fall into the endless abyss that is Tartarus itself!" she continued. TOM: Is that a plot point again? Aphrodite blinked. "Hercules must talk an awful lot in his sleep. I really must talk to Hypnos & Morpheus about that." MIKE: [Aphrodite] I'll have to give them an appointment with the fishes. Xena smiled cunningly. "So, you want me to go to the edge of Tartarus, get the Scythe, and kill 2 new goddesses with it?" TOM: [Aphrodite] Pretty much. Aphrodite smiled smarmily. "Give the woman a slushie, she got it in one! A big gulp even!" CROW: ...the hell? MIKE: Aw, come on! If you're going to do 80's references, at least make them sound good! That was too corny! TOM: Mike, it's okay, hon. Xena shook her head at Aphrodite's babbling. Just then, up walked Gabrielle. "Xena, who are you talking to?" she asked, Aphrodite being invisible to her. ALL: OHHHH! "Nevermind, we have to go to Lake Avernus," replied Xena, talking over her shoulder. MIKE: Seeing that it was where her head should be. "Avernus? The gateway into Hades' realm? What have the gods got you up to this time?" asked Gabrielle plaintively. TOM: [Xena] Shhh! It's a secret ission...oops. Xena started to make an airy comment, but then CROW: ...realized that all the *air*y coments should be made by Gabrielle. her smile froze and cracked. MIKE: Cool! She's made of ice! "Callisto's about to tear free. I've got to stop her. You stay here, Gabrielle and I'll..." CROW: [Xena] play with our "toys"! MIKE: Watch it, Crow. "Wait, wait, I've got a better idea," said Gabrielle. "If Callisto is breaking free, then that means Velasca is too. That means I have to warn Ephanie and the Amazons right away." TOM: Funny, that they can get all the way to South America in that age. "You're right, of course," Xena said in her most concerned voice. "Gabrielle, I'm sorry...I forget sometimes that I'm not the only one with enemies anymore." MIKE: [Xena] So that means that I can kill you now. "Velasca's going for Artemis' largest temple first," commented Aphrodite. CROW: It's chapter 1 come back to haunt us! Without pausing, Xena continued on. "We know Callisto will come after me wherever I go; But last time, Velasca attacked a temple of Artemis on the way after us. For her, the Amazons will keep--she wants to deal with Artemis. There's a really big temple just about a half-day west of Amphipolis, TOM: OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! WE GET IT ALREADY! I think she'll go there first and attack it. It would be a good place to spring a trap, but you have to get the priests and shrine visitors safely warned and away." TOM: [Xena] Ride naked on the back of a horse. Works for me. Gabrielle nodded. She liked the 'evacuate the helpless innocents' job; she did it well and she didn't crimp Xena's style while doing it. MIKE: Plus it was better than that *icky* battle thing. "Sounds like a plan. As long as you're sure you'll be all right in the underworld?" she questioned. CROW: [Xena] Are you kidding? I've got the writers on my side! Xena smiled broadly, her blue eyes sparkling in the sun. "I'll be fine, Gabrielle. And I'll be very relieved to know you're fine too." TOM: But it'll be just as OK to know that you have died a horrible death, too. MIKE: Are you OK, Tom? Gabrielle nodded thoughtfully. "OK then, I'll go." TOM: [Gabrielle] I have no freewill, but it's cool! Aphrodite frowned and looked after Gabrielle. "That's funny, there's something about her that I hadn't noticed before," she said mostly to herself. CROW: Good, since I don't care. "Of COURSE there is!" exclaimed Xena. "Gabrielle is a Very Special Person. She--" MIKE: Eats lead paint chips? TOM: Listens to Neil Diamond? CROW: Dresses like Jim Stafford? "Oh save it," interrupted Aphrodite, who simply disappeared. MIKE: So, how could she have said anything? Xena made a rude noise, threw up her hands, and turned to walk back to where Argo was stabled. "I sure hope Hades doesn't mind me dropping in for a visit," she said to herself. TOM: If these people say stuff to themselves, do we have to listen? From the far side of the town square, Ares looked on from the shadows. He smiled a smug & self-assured grin to himself and faded away. MIKE: It's Adam Chance! On Mount Olympus, Atropos leaned forward to look at the black and yellow threads that were starting to separate from one another. CROW: Again with the threads! Aye! MIKE: Time to go, guys. [*,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] [TOM and CROW are spreading string all over the bridge. MIKE walks in.] MIKE: What the hell are you two doing?!! TOM: Oh, we've just been inspired by today's expiriment. All the talk of string has put forth a creative urge in me, and it's just bursting forth! MIKE: But there's no point to this! You're just spreading string! CROW: Sure, it may just be string, but it's artistic expression! People criticized Jackson Pollock, but he was still a great artist! MIKE: Crow, paint is one thing, but *string*? CROW: Oh, you're just jealous that you don't have any string. MIKE: Am not! CROW: Am too! MIKE: Am not! CROW: Am too! [Commercial Sign flashes] MIKE: We'll be right back. Am not! [This continues over bumper.] [Commercials] ------ READERS: To go to part III, click on the Back button on your browser. You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/