Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Part III [SoL Theater] [Everyone takes their seats] CHAPTER FOUR: PERSEPHONE In his castle in the underworld, Hades was slumped in a chair. TOM: The late-night kegger had went well, I see... Persephone was kneading his tired shoulders. Sometimes, it was really really good to be married to the goddess of spring. Fresh fruit and cut flowers were never a problem around the castle when she was around. MIKE: Unfortunately, the resultant bugs were. And when she wasn't...well, it was time for frozen food. CROW: [as author] Heh, a little sexual allegory there, heh, heh. MIKE: Oh, brother. "My beloved, do you remember the story I told you about Celesta becoming a mortal human for one day?" he asked hesitantly. "Yes," his wife replied. TOM: [Persephone] You've only told me it a THOUSAND FRIGGIN' TIMES!!! CROW: Tom, you do really need to relax. "I never got around to telling you this, but I did it too. Became mortal for a day, that is." MIKE: So, is this another plot point? TOM: We'll see. "Really?" asked Persephone. Her husband was SUCH a deep man for a god... CROW: Can you call a god a man? Hades nodded hesitantly. "For that ONE day I was a total mortal...it was a learning experience, let me tell you. That's why I decided to impose the same fate on Ares for a day or so a while back. MIKE: [Hades] I'm a prick like that. But the main thing I wanted to underscore is that for that day, I was a man, with a man's body, and a man's passions. CROW: Whoah! We're getting into a whole new area here!! I met this woman and...well, because of the circumstances, I have a totally mortal dau--" MIKE: Uh-oh...You know what this means? CROW: [klaxon noises] MIKE & TOM: Plot Point! Plot Point! Plot Point! he was interrupted by a loud pounding on the castle doors. TOM: [gangster voice] You're late on your protection payments, Mr. Hades. Mr. Bustone isn't gonna like this too much. He ignored it and prepared to speak again. Someone knocked again. Persephone scowled. "Honey, it must be important. None of the dead would dare bother you." CROW: [Persephone] They all think you're a real jerk. Hades immediately tensed all the way back up, causing Persephone to frown even more. "It's probably Xena, I can't think of anyone more annoying than her, except possibly ... MIKE: Prince of Space? TOM: The Paper Chase Guy's Supersonic Speedcycle? CROW: Marrissa? oh wait, he hasn't been born yet, never mind." TOM: [Persephone] Sure, the space-time continuum has been magled, but it's cool! The knocking was louder. "Come in!" sang out Persephone. ALL: [singing] Coooooommmmeee innnnn!!!! Sure enough, in walked Xena. She was still somewhat wet from her plunge into Lake Avernus CROW: At least she didn't plunge into Uranus. MIKE: CROW! Enough! , and she looked a little scorched. She was also carrying 3 steaks on a line. TOM: Oh, that ma...huh? Persephone smiled brightly. "Oh! You brought Cerberus a little something! What a thoughtful guest! I'm Persephone, and you must be Xena!" Then she frowned cutely. CROW: [makes 'spark' noise] MIKE: [Persephone] Grrrrrr... [commercials] At that moment in Greece, above a raging torrent of volcanic lava, two voices could be heard. The words they spoke grew louder until the final lines resounded clearly to the hillsides: TOM: [singing] Ooooooooklahoma, whre the wind comes sweepin' down the plain! "I swear it on the River Styx, utter destruction on she who dares to break this pact!" CROW: [notice] Or an immediate snicker-snag! A few moments later, the burning river suddenly stopped flowing and turned stone cold in just heartbeats. There was an explosion and stone shattered up and away, leaving a huge blast crater in the center of the stream. MIKE: [Xena] Damn. That's the last time I pig out on jalapenos and chicken burritos! Two female figures stood there holding hands TOM: [announcer] Please, give to the United Way. and whooping for joy. "We did it! At last! Our combined power freed us! Now for our revenge!" crowed Velasca in her best, "I'm a goddess now!" voice. CROW: So, that means that Up With People has a branch in the underworld. Callisto grinned, a strange light glinting in her white eyes. MIKE: Oooh. Callisto's gonna need a little Visine there. "Sure Velasca, just like our oath. We follow the plan--first we go after Artemis' temples, then Xena. CROW: That is, until we fall into a plothole. Unless she shows up early looking to get her death a little quicker!" Callisto whooped insanely MIKE: It's Arseniooooooooooooooooooo Hall! ALL: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! at the mere thought of the horrendous tortures she could--and would--inflict on Xena. TOM: Forcing her to watch _Who's the Boss?_ reruns? Keeping her alive and awake while slowly dipping her into lava on a giant fork was but the first of many pleasant thoughts she entertained. MIKE: Ouch. Velasca just looked at her. She was a power-luster, true, but Callisto was in her opinion, totally cracked. CROW: [Callisto] Hey! Just because I'm a psychopathic killer doesn't make me a loony! "AHHHHK!!" she screeched at Velasca. "Don't just stand there, let's go." TOM: [Callisto, singing] I like the night life, baby! Velasca took a step back. "Just...give me a moment to regather my energies..." Callisto scowled, grabbed the other goddess and began to weave a field of power around them to carry them through the sky. MIKE: Uh...oh. "Honey, did you get that feeling of imminent doom just now?" asked Persephone. Hades shut his eyes and took a deep breath. CROW: [Hades] Here. Let me complete the feeling. [makes gunshot noise] "Yes, yes I did. The duo swore a pact of cooperation on the River Styx." He opened his eyes and opened his mouth to speak. Xena was staring at him. "What?!" he asked. TOM: Chicken butt. "Oh great Zeus, you're buff!" exclaimed Xena. "Who'd have thought it? Outside his big black armor, Hades is buff! And pretty good looking too, if you don't mind my saying," she said to Persephone, who smiled. MIKE & TOM: Pop! Crackle! Fizz! CROW: [singing] Oh, what a relief it is! "First Aphrodite, now you, I don't need this today, Xena!" he growled. CROW: [Hades] What about *my* needs? "Well, Aphrodite can look all she wants, but only _I_ can touch!" exclaimed Persephone. Xena was giving her the "Sister, you caught yourself a good one!" look of admiration, TOM: What's with all these annoying looks? Just give them dialogue!! and Persephone was returning the, "Hey, you're obviously not trying to get in my husband's pants so you're cool too!" look in reply. CROW: Oooh! Kinky! MIKE: Crow, everything is kinky to you. Naturally, despite being a god, Hades was still male, and had not a single clue of this. TOM: Whoah! We're getting into a really weird area here! CROW: Gasp! That must mean that Hades is a transsexual! MIKE: NO, CROW!!! Hades slammed his head down onto the table a few times. MIKE: Owww. It didn't really do anything physical, but it did seem to clear his thinking a bit. TOM: [announcer] When suffering from stress, the best cure is none other than good 'ole head trauma! CROW: [announcer] Use as directed. "All right, we've gotta get you over to the edge of Tartarus MIKE: So help me, if you guys even say it... and into the cave and after the You Know What." "Ah," said Xena. "The You Know What," and nodded in agreement. CROW: [Xena] Our *toys*? MIKE: Crow... "The You Know What?" asked Persephone. "What? What?" TOM: ENOUGH WITH THE FRIGGIN' WHATS!!! GET ON WITH IT!!! CROW: Easy, Tom! Hades sighed. "The Scythe of Chronos." MIKE: [Hades]I mean, come on, it's been a plot point for like the last two chapters. Persephone blanched, looked at Xena, looked at Hades, and back at Xena. "Xena, even if you can somehow wield the Scythe, it'll kill you, you realize?" TOM: [Xena] Ain't that a b*tch! MIKE: TOM! CROW: [snicker] Xena's eyes widened. "What?" MIKE: [Xena] How come you guys don't tell me this sooner? I'm callin' my agent! "It's a similar situation to the time you freed Prometheus; a mortal who, somehow, can wield the Scythe will age fifty years from each swing." CROW: [Xena] Oh, suddenly *I'm* the jerk! Xena stiffened and tossed her hair. "Well, two blows should be sufficient--there are only two of them after all." TOM: If you ask me, this *fic* blows. Hades snorted in derision at her incredible pride. MIKE: [Hades] Arrgh! That's good crack! Persephone shot him a look that said to cut Xena some slack. "So, husband, you said to me earlier that you were going to select a champion. I think you should go off and do that. *I* will guide Xena to Tartarus." CROW: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. She briefly kissed him on the cheek, and then grabbed her travel cloak off a peg in the castle wall and went to Xena's side. "Xena, I'm trying to think of something that could improve your situation TOM: [Xena] A kickback? but I'm afraid that the only thing I can think of would be the Golden Apples of the Hesperides, and Callisto destroyed the last known tree of them after gaining her own eternal life." TOM: Boy. What a... MIKE: Don't finish that thought. "All I would ask, Persephone, is once I'm gone, if you can look over Gabrielle from time to time...?" CROW: [Xena]IfyaknowwhatImean! MIKE: Let's get out of here. My head hurts. [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] [MIKE is on a chair next to a fake Greek column, wearing a toga.] MIKE: [Zeus] That Xena...she sure is something...and what a body, too! I bet she's been drinking *her* milk, heh, heh. But what now! I'm too chicken to fight Callisto and Velasca...[bombastic] I know! I'll get Xena to do it! [down again] But how...how? [bombastic] I know!...I'll call Aphrodite! [picks up a small mobile pager, pushes a button] [CROW zips onto screen, with a big, 80's style hairdo on a wig, sunglasses, and a long, flowing toga.] CROW: [Aphrodite] Yeah, babe! What's the plan, man? MIKE: I need you to *help* Xena kill Callisto and Velasca for me, heh, heh. CROW: [Aphrodite] Yeah, sure, later..._Moonlighting_ is on now! I think that I can fit you in after my 3:00, k? MIKE: You got it, babe! TTFN! [CROW walks over to other side, where TOM is hovering, wearing a huge brassiere, and has a black wig on.] CROW: [Aphrodite] Okay, babe, I don't have time right now...[takes breath] You gotta get off your hinder and help me get something! It's a secret! TOM: [Xena] The Golden Hamdinger of the Satellite of Love? CROW: Give the girl a slushie, she gets ot in...Aw, who am I kidding? This is dumb! What the hell kind of story is this, huh? Whyyyyyy??? [breaks down, crying] MIKE: There, there, Crow, don't worry. All will be fine later. [Commercial Sign lights up] We'll be right back. [Commercials] [SoL Bridge] [TOM is behind the couter, weeping.] TOM: It's just one annoying thing after another, after another. It's so horrible! Oh, goodness gracious! My day is ruined!! Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! MIKE: Tom, don't cry. It's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay now. CROW: Yeah, we could be reading a Ratliff fic. TOM: I'd take Ratliff over this stuff! It's too much, I tell you! [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: Well, you'd better save it for later 'cause WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! TOM: AAAGHAGAHGGH! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,*] What has gone before: Minako Aino, Sailor Venus of the 30th century Crystal Tokyo was exploring a castle on the defeated world of Nemesis. CROW: Oh, no... An unexpected attack by a shard of Chaos sent her falling into a timewarp that led to Mycenean Greece and a case of amnesia. ALL: AW, COME ON!!! MIKE: We already suffered through this!!! Now grown into adulthood and known as "Gabrielle of Poteidaia," the former senshi is sidekick to the warlord-turned-heroine, Xena. CROW: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. However, the villainesses Callisto and Velasca, who stole godesshood for themselves, are about to break free from the confinement Xena and Gabrielle left them in TOM: We know! WE KNOW! MIKE: Tom, you need a few more pills. and the gods of Olympus have made their plans: Xena has journeyed to Hades' realm after the weapon known as the Scythe of Chronos, an object powerful enough to kill a god — at the cost of the user's own life. CROW: Damn. That's some interest. PART FIVE: JOXER MIKE: [Joker] At-at-at-at-at-at-ah-ah-at-at-at-at-at-at-! Gabrielle was making good time down the road to the west temple of Artemis when she came to a crossroads. TOM: [Gabrielle] Yeah, it's me, the MAIN CHARCTER! After two chapters of CRAP, I'm ready to kick ass and take names! Three disreputable robber-types came out and tried to slow down the plot by robbing her. CROW: As opposed to *reputable* criminals. MIKE: And guys, I think Nightman has done a great job of slowing down the plot himself. Suffice to say: TOM: This fic sucks! 1. Leg trip 2. Reverse swing 3. Staff to the groin ALL: Ooohhhh... ...and then Gabrielle continued down the road. There was a rustling noise in the bushes and she swung around toward it whipping her staff out at it. Joxer the Mighty jumped backward with a yelp and fell on his butt. TOM: [Butthead] Huuh huh...He said *butt*. CROW: [Beavis] Ngghgh...Argghg.. Butt! Butt! "Gabrielle! I was testing your alertness by sneaking up on you!" he protested in his nasal tone. MIKE: [Joxer] You know I'm kinda stupid that way. Gabrielle rolled her eyes toward the heavens, "Mighty Zeus, give me strength," she ground out. CROW: A kilo of beef. "Gabrielle! I hardly think this is time to pray!" said Joxer. "There could be more bandits coming along the road any moment now! I just took out twenty, no! thirty of them a few minutes ago!" he protested. TOM: Yeah, right. MIKE: Remember Oscar's "fighting abilities"? CROW: Yeah, how can I forget. Gabrielle took a very deep, slow breath, her patience almost worn out already. She shifted, "accidentally" putting the end of her staff uncomfortably close to Joxer's neck. TOM: Mut be that time of the month. MIKE: Tom, if you get hit with a pair of pumps, it's not my fault, understand? "Joxer, I don't have time to stand here and argue with you. Callisto and Velasca are about to break free from their confinement; we have to get to the temple of Artemis and warn the pilgrims and priestesses there!" CROW: Or else the story will end! I need to get paid here! "Callisto?" Joxer said in a very small voice. TOM: [imitating Callisto] Damn. Shouldn't have swallowed a whole litre of helium. "Yes," she said, biting off the word and then turning for the road. MIKE: [Gabrielle] Ummmm...tastes like...like...air?! She walked about fifteen or twenty steps while Joxer remained rooted to the spot, wavering slightly. TOM: [Joxer] Get this! I'm a punching bag! A wind blew and some leaves went past his head. Suddenly, he snapped to alertness and chased after her. "Gabrielle! Wait, wait for me!" CROW: [Joxer] I didn't get to cop a feel yet! Meanwhile, in a village west of Artemis' temple, there was a young girl out working in a field. She suddenly heard a dog barking. She looked around. None of the other village women out working in the fields seemed to hear it. TOM: Then she remembered, it must have been the pound of hash she smoked that morning. It seemed a plaintive cry for a dog, almost like it was calling her. MIKE: [dog] Bark! Hey, lady! How 'bout some kibbles over here? Then she heard it again. Once more, she looked around and no one else showed any reaction. CROW: No one else cared. She sat down her basket of olives and began walking toward the forest. "Moment! Where are you going?" cried out her mother. MIKE: ...the hell? TOM: What kind of addle-pated dork names their kid *Moment*? The tall young girl turned around and smiled at her mother. "I'm just going into the woods a bit," she said. "Know where there are some good leaves?" CROW: [Patsy] I should be able to get the best weed, sweetie. Her mother smiled and suggested she try about 50 yards inside the forest and up a bit toward a stream. Moment thanked her and headed that way. MIKE: Mmmm...smells like another plot point. The hound cried out a third time and she hurried toward it. TOM: Is that really wise? Some short time later, she heard the low whining and growling of dogs on a leash and entered the clearing she thought the sound was coming from. ALL: Dah Dah Daaaaaaaaahhhh! She was surprised. There was only one dog making the noises. The catch was it had three heads, each like a different breed of shepherding hound. ALL: Duh Duh Duhhhh! But, before that could register, the tall, pale man in black armor's presence caught her attention. He had chalky skin, dark hair, and a black helm rimmed in gold was in his right hand. His black cloak billowed in the breeze. TOM: It's Alluroe! CROW: No, it's Riff-Raff! TOM: Alluroe! CROW: Riff-Raff! TOM: Alluroe! CROW: Riff-Raff! MIKE: Guys... In his left hand, he held the triple leash that bound Cerberus. CROW: Wow! He's into that too! "Come, my child. CROW: [snicker] MIKE: No. Come with me. You are leaving this place." TOM: [Moment] No, I am not. I just got here! "My lord!" she cried, falling to her knees. MIKE: [Moment] Calgon, take me away!!! Hades smiled ever so slightly as she had not begged for mercy. In fact, she had not really said anything much at all. He liked that. CROW: [Hades] 'Dat kind, they don't make that much noise when I do my thing, no? MIKE: Uhh, Crow? "There is a better place I am going to take you to. You will likely never return here," he said. CROW: [Moment] Oh, no! I have a date next Tuesday! "The...the Elysium Fields?" she asked. TOM: [Moment] Altered location of the Elysian Fields? "No, somewhere even brighter," he replied enigmatically. "The fates have decreed a long thread of life for you. Now, follow me." He turned and walked away and Moment followed the god into a rift in space. MIKE: [Moment] Cool! So now, I'm like, dead? Two minutes later Callisto and Velasca arrived in her village and began to warm up. CROW: Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby, Yeah! MIKE: Are we going to have to use the libido adjuster again, Crow? CROW: [sheepishly] Uhhh, no... Back on the road, Gabrielle and Joxer were making pretty good speed for two people on foot. TOM: [Joxer] I tell ya, I *always* cut the best meths. Suddenly Aphrodite appeared in the road in front of them. Once again, she scowled oddly at Gabrielle and then looked at Joxer. She assumed her most coy, kittenish face for him. "Joxer, my champion!" she purred. CROW: [Aphrodite] Rock my world, baby! Joxer blanched and color rapidly rose to the lower part of his face. Gabrielle was really surprised, she didn't think she'd ever seen him get so mad before. MIKE: Except that time where she put his hand in warm water while he was asleep. "What are you here for, Aphrodite, bored and want to make a fool of me again?" he snarled in a much less pretentious voice than normal. TOM: [Aphrodite] No, actually I think the *audience* is bored, so I'm trying to liven things up! Gabrielle was surprised for a moment until she reviewed what Xena had told her of the conversation she'd shared with Joxer after Aphrodite tried to use him as a marriage-wrecker before. CROW: [Jim Carrey-esque rewinding noise] "No, no, you have me all wrong!" the blonde goddess protested. "The Terrible Twosome have gotten out a little early and they're ripping up a village right now. I thought you could use a little help, TOM: [Aphrodite, darkly] ...to DIE!! that's all," she said as she raised her right hand, which was holding a golden bell on a pink ribbon. MIKE: [Aphrodite, singing] It's one of my favourite things! Gabrielle blanched at the memory of last time. Joxer's eyes widened...with aversion or desire, she was unsure. CROW: Could be glaucoma. "Ioxer Potentes! Way cool!" chirped Aphrodite who RANG THE BELL. ALL: GASP! SHE RANG THE BELL! MIKE: *RIVETING**BELL**RINGING**ACTION*!!! TOM: Right now, that's the most exciting thing in this fic. Joxer shook himself briefly, straightened up, ripped off his clunky breastplate and helm (handing them to Gabrielle--plopping them into her arms without warning.) CROW: Cool! She's got storage compartments in her arms! "Surely, Madam, you are a false and fractious one, but that is a woman's prerogative, is it not? To bemuse and beguile the common man? But alas, I cannot tarry even MIKE: [Joxer] ...what the hell I'm talking about!! for Thine affections, for a dire need calls me on. Gabrielle, this way!" ALL: Huh-ZAH! called the now suave and swashbuckling Joxer the Truly Mighty. CROW: Whaaat? When did this turn into Don Quixote? He set off toward the temple, jogging at an impressive clip. Gabrielle's face reddened TOM: Ooh. Shouldn't have eaten that pack of chili peppers. and she threw his things to the ground, grabbed her Amazon fighting staff/walking stick, and chased after him. "Joxer! Joxer, wait-up!" MIKE: [Gabrielle] What gives? *I'm* supposed to be the flighty one! Aphrodite smiled and said to herself, "That's two birds with one stone...or is that four birds with one bell?" she giggled. CROW: Or, as they say, a bird in hand is better than one overhead. MIKE & TOM [snicker] "Mom," came Cupid's disembodied voice, "That was so way less funny than you thought it was!" TOM: That was funny? CROW: Given the rest of this story, yes. "Oh, Shaddup!" she said and disappeared with a flick of her wrist. MIKE: [makes _Bewitched_ nose twitch noise] TOM: And we...are outta here!! CROW: Good night, Buffalo! You've been a wonderful audience! [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] [MIKE, TOM, and CROW are behind the desk again. CROW is scribbling (or trying to) on a piece of paper.] MIKE: What are you doing, Crow? CROW: Oh, just writing a little "constructive criticism" for Mr. Nightman here...let's see...Dear Mr. Nightman...I wish to congratulate you on the fact that you have the ability to bring a *robot* (which does not have tear glands) to tears! Your prose is a perfect substitute for a concrete enema, to put it lightly...But I kid you...really, I enjoyed the endless segues, the shameless anachronisms, the horrid terminology of the 80's, all of it!!! But I'm not bitter...it's just that...HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO US! HAVE YOU NO MERCY, MAN? DO YOU EVEN *CARE* ABOUT OUR LIVES? WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO HURT YOU... MIKE: CROW! CROW! Snap out of it! CROW: It hurts, Mike! [sobs] TOM: I do wish we had a Ratliff fic now. MIKE: As if! The rest of this series will kill us first. CROW & TOM: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! [WMoD] PEARL: [oily] Oooh, they haven't seen anything yet...BWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [pushes the "send movie" button. BOBO, OBSERVER & PEARL: BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!! To be continued... --------------------- READERS: To go to Part IV, click on the Back button on your browser. You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/