Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! Part IV MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) [SoL Theater] TOM: Man, guys...I don't know how much more of this I can take! MIKE: Hang in there, buddy. We shall survive. What has gone before: Minako Aino, Sailor Venus of the 30th century Crystal Tokyo was exploring a castle on the defeated world of Nemesis. CROW: Seen it. MIKE: Hated it. TOM: Taped it. An unexpected attack by a shard of Chaos sent her falling into a timewarp that led to Mycenean Greece and a case of amnesia. MIKE: And Artemis suffered a fatal plot contrivance. Now grown into adulthood and known as "Gabrielle of Poteidaia," the former senshi is CROW: Now modeling brassieres for Emperor Nero's court. MIKE: Crow... sidekick to the warlord-turned-heroine, Xena. However, the villainesses Callisto and Velasca, who stole godesshood for themselves, are about to break free from the confinement Xena and Gabrielle left them in and the gods of Olympus have made their plans: TOM: [gods] Let's get the hell outta this story while we still can! Xena has journeyed to Hades' realm after the weapon known as the Scythe of Chronos, an object powerful enough to kill a god — at the cost of the user's own life. CROW: Wow. That sucks and some stuff. And Aphrodite has renewed her spell on Joxer, once more making him into a dashing hero. But there's something about Gabrielle that she never noticed before that's nagging her... CROW: [Aphrodite] Man! she's stacked!!! MIKE: CROW! TOM: Oh, let him have his fun. Click here to visit the Xena Cast of Characters gallery. MIKE: Click where? TOM: Forget it, Mike. I'll explain it to you later. PART SIX: ARTEMIS CROW: He's back! He's bad! ARTEMIS RETURNS! The sounds of singing rang through the Mycenean landscape: TOM: [singing] Home, Home on the Range!!! "Joxer the Mighty! Roams through the countryside MIKE: [singing] ...With dreams of copping a feel on Gabrielle's hide! BOTS: [snicker] He never needs a place to hide With Gabby as his sidekick Fighting with her little stick CROW: I thought it was his... MIKE: CROW!!! Righting wrongs and singing songs Being mighty all day long He's Joxer--he's Joxer the Mighty!" MIKE: Joxer The Mighty will be performing at the Bronze Moon in Syracuse Saturday and Sunday. sang Joxer as he jogged down the road to the Temple of Artemis. TOM: [Joxer] God, I'm such an anal-retentive prick. Running behind him Gabrielle was thankful that Aphrodite's spell seemed to improve his voice just a tad...still, that lyric about her being his sidekick...well, it really made her want to _hurt_ him for it... CROW: [Gabrielle] Yeah, dickweed! I've got top billing in this story!!! Meanwhile, in the Presence Chamber on Mount Olympus, Aphrodite stood before the reflecting pool and looked down on the countryside. MIKE: [Aphrodite] My country for a horse...ah, skip it. The majority of the other gods were, as promised, retreated in the face of the upstarts. She smiled to herself. TOM: [Aphrodite] I've got the house all to myself...party time! Obviously, this was an opportunity that should not be allowed to pass by, and if Athena and Artemis wanted to simper behind a façade of detachment, well, she would not. "Idiots," she said under her breath. "Cowards." CROW: [Aphrodite] Uncouth immortal peeg-dogs! Clotho, maiden of the Three Fates looked over at her, one eyebrow raised disdainfully. TOM: Sayyyyy... MIKE: Tom, no. Lachesis and Atropos ignored her altogether. Hades strode into the hall, his boots making ringing sounds on the tile floor. MIKE: [singing] With rings on his fingers and bells on his toes... BOTS: [Singing] He makes fine music wherever he goes!! Aphrodite adopted a coy smile and turned to greet him. "Hey there, grim, dark and handsome!" she said with feigned interest. "What now? I'm busy spying on Xena's little friends." CROW: [Aphrodite] IfyaknowwhtImean! MIKE: [shrugs and sighs] Hades looked at her with his darkest, most solemn gaze. "It is time. Hephaestus is ready," he said. TOM: [Aphrodite] Oh, *really*? Aphrodite dropped a "you've got to be kidding me" look at him and popped her gum. "Hello!!!" she said, "I may be married to that troll but I do NOT come and go at his call! What the hell are you thinking??" MIKE: [Hades] Hey, cut me some slack here! It's in the script! Hades looked at the Three Fates, who now had all paused and were looking at them. "You pledged me WHATEVER help I needed to get my Champion prepared. I'm collecting on that promise right now. CROW: [Hades] Or else, we give you da cement sneakers. Victor! Luigi! Come take out da trash! Hephaestus has forged a tool for my warrior, CROW: [snicker] and you are going to imbue a certain portion of your power into it for her to inherit." "WHAT!" shrieked Aphrodite. "No WAY!" TOM: [Aphrodite] Like, that totally bites! "Way," said Hades, almost grinning. "Specifically, your power to move through Time." Aphrodite stilled and her eyes grew large. MIKE: Cool! Now she can be a part of the _Sailor Moon_ TV show! "No," she breathed. "No!" she repeated more loudly. CROW: Nevermore, nevermore. Hades smiled a cruel and wicked smile. "This is what I require of you, what I was lacking, the theme which will act as the organizing principle to her dark powers." TOM: [Hades] So, in a nutshell, you're screwed. "You are HIGH you MORON!" she screamed. MIKE: [Aphrodite] whatever you're smoking, send it up to MY room! Hades gestured towards the fates. "They witnessed your oath. Now, there is no time to waste." He reached out and grabbed her wrist and teleported them to Hephaestus' chambers. CROW: I don't like where this is heading! Smiling, the Three Fates returned to their work. Velasca and Callisto had been very busy. Many threads had reached their ends within the last hour. TOM: The threads again! What the hell is the deal with the threads?!! MIKE: Calm down, Tom! In Tartarus, Xena was climbing down the sheer face of a cliff. It seemed to stretch upward and downward infinitely. CROW: Cool! Just like the levels of bureaucracy! Even she closed her eyes and tightened her grip against the chasm wall at the site. MIKE: ...of the world's tallest ice cream stand. "Gabrielle," she whispered, thinking of her closest friend. TOM: [Xena] I wish I had my magic rod! MIKE: TOM!! TOM: What? Back at Hellespont, near the Temple of Artemis, Joxer's speed had carried him a fair pace ahead of the shorter Gabrielle. CROW: But drugs are still bad for you, kiddies! "I'll warn the temple-goers, you see to the town!" he suavely called over his shoulder before putting on a burst of speed and pulling ahead. MIKE: [Roadrunner] Meep Meep! Just as she thought it couldn't get any worse, he started singing again. ALL: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! "Oohhhhhh-- He's Joxer the Mighty He's really tidy Everybody likes him TOM: NOT!! 'Cause he has a funny grin Joxer ... Joxer the Mighty! Joxer ... Joxer the Mighty! He's very tidy CROW: Please, kill me *now*. Everyone admires him He's so handsome it's a sin When you're in jeopardy MIKE: Um, you give the question to the answer? Don't call the cavalry There's a better remedy (Although he doesn't work for free) TOM: You'll wish he did! He's every man's trusty, He's every woman's fantasy, CROW: Nightmare, that is. Plus he's goo-oood company He's Joxer--I'm Joxer the Mighty! Blood--valour--and victory! Ha-HA!" ALL: OLE!!! Gabrielle stumbled to a halt and leaned over to catch her breath. After a little rest, she continued on to the temple. MIKE: [Gabrielle] What a way to treat the lead character. Sheesh. That's the last time I work for Nightman. Inside, Joxer had arrived and accosted the first acolyte he saw. Or rather, tried to. TOM: WHY? Isn't he supposed to WARN them of danger?!!! MIKE: Tom, you're going to blow a fuse. Relax. As priestesses of Artemis, all the acolytes were CROW: ...hermaphrodites. MIKE & TOM: CROW, NO!!!! well-trained in the arts of self-defense, and, naturally, just as he came in the door, someone rang a bell. MIKE: *RIVETING* BELL RINGING ACTION!!! The Joxer who bounced in the door was not nearly as suave and all he managed to do was seem to stumble at one of the acolytes. ALL: Wah, wah, Waaaaaaaahhh! He found himself on the floor with spears pointed at him. TOM: I guess he gets the *point*! MIKE & CROW: [groan] "Ummm...ladies, can't we discuss this like friends?" he protested. CROW: [Joxer] Let's take a shower! Hanging in the air over the offering altar was a wicker cage and within it was the sacred cat of Artemis. MIKE: [Artemis] Yeah, it's about time they got back to me. You know, I'm on the clock here. I hate they way they treat unionized characters! TOM: Hey, here's that plot point from the prologue! Oddly enough, Artemis' sacred cat was male. CROW: Because they'd checked, right? There had been some talk about the inappropriateness of that, but when the cat himself had protested, saying that the Titan Luna and her daughter Diana would also be angry MIKE: Man, Artemis is lucky he has all these plot conveniences. ...well, the priestesses were content to keep him as he was. TOM: Somewhere, Bob Barker is crying. For the most part, he slept a lot. And listened to the petitioners who came and prayed at the altar. Sometimes he gave out advice. (He had mastered Greek easily in the years he'd been kept here.) CROW: Yeah, okay. But not always. And the advice was...well, not exactly oracular. It was the kind of advice that your big brother would give you. MIKE: The perfect height to hock a loogie. Still, it got the temple a certain amount of notoriety, which meant bigger offerings from the hopeful, and a cushier life for the priestesses. TOM: [Artemis] Man! This setup is better than when I was with Oscar! MIKE: Tom, please don't bring back those memories. He was laughing to himself at the clod near the front door's antics when he heard something disturbing in the man's rantings. CROW: [Joxer] I love cats...they taste just like chicken! MIKE: CROW!!!! Just as the priestesses were about to throw him out of the temple at spearpoint, Artemis jumped to his feet and yelled, "Stop!" ALL: [singing] In the name of love... The acolytes paused and looked at their sacred cat. CROW: Oooh...kinky... "Repeat what you said about a goddess coming her to destroy the temple!" yelled Artemis. TOM: [Artemis] As soon as you can figure out what the hell I just said. Joxer blinked and looked around for the source of the voice. An angry young acolyte who reminded him a lot of Velasca snarled, "Dolt! It is the Sacred Cat Artemissu! He who is named for our goddess!" MIKE: I thought her name was Artemis! Joxer gulped in the face of her anger and put on a weak smile. "Right, right, so it's like this, see, the Amazon Velasca became a goddess by eating Ambrosia, right? CROW: [snicker] And she started out by blowing up one of Artemis's temples and now she's on her way here with Callisto!" TOM: [Joxer] And ooh, is she maaaad at you! "Yes, we heard of the destruction of our sister temple near the Amazon nation. Now we know the reason for it!" said one of the priestesses. MIKE: [priestess] Maybe we shouldn't have stolen their cable. Another priestess spoke up, "You spoke of the huntress Callisto? Sisters, she is a murderess! We should capture her and see her punished for her crimes!" CROW: They're not very bright, are they? Joxer shook his head. "No, see, she got some of Velasca's ambrosia and she's a goddess too." TOM: [priestesses] D'oh! Several of the armed acolytes' jaws dropped at this revelation. The most senior priestess's eyes widened. "Everyone split up and run into the forest. Find a place to hide and pray to Artemis for deliverance from this menace!" MIKE: [Artemis] Hey! What the hell do you expect me to do about it? I'm just a little cat! There was a rumbling in the background and a sound of crackling thunder. CROW: [priestesses] Oh, poopie! Meanwhile, Velasca had emerged from the wreckage of Hellespont and was slowly walking toward the temple, a cloud of lighting surrounding her, bolts of power blasting every tree from her path as she strolled, laughing, all the way there. MIKE: Kinda seems like Leona Helmsley. In the bushes atop a ridge, Gabrielle saw her and tossed herself back from the site. She hoped Velasca hadn't seen or sensed her. CROW: She's the lead character. She won't die. When she was still a half-mile from the temple, Velasca created a ball of lightning and threw it at the building. The main doors were blasted open and several people standing just inside it were sent flying from the force of the explosion. It also rang the offering bell. TOM: Run for the border! Artemis's cage went flying through the air, only to be caught by Joxer the Mighty. "Thanks!" said the cat. "No problem my good fellow. Anything else I can do to assist you?" asked Joxer in his most pretentious manner. MIKE: [Artemis] Yeah. Can you fetch me my brown pants? "Yeah! Open the cage door so I can run away - to safety, I mean!" TOM: [Joxer] Aha! Yer' a yella kitty, eh? Not like Joxer the Mighty, heh, heh! Joxer the Mighty shrugged and flipped open the cage. "Makenai!" CROW: BANZAI!! MIKE: KIYAAAAA!! TOM: MORPHENOMENAL!!! [MIKE and CROW look sharply at TOM.] TOM: [sheepishly] Eh, uh, oops... screamed Artemis who bolted through the small opening with a vigor derived from his magical constitution and years of extreme boredom. CROW: Though, he was living pretty nicely. Joxer the Mighty's head was used as a springboard for one very cooped-up cat as Artemis bounded over him, onto the floor and toward a side window at a dead run. MIKE: It's only a matter of time before he reaches Gabrielle, and she gets her memory back. I know where this is going. TOM: Well, I guess you've just given us a spoiler. MIKE: No, I'm just thinking logically. Grabbing his sword and pulling it from his scabbard with a mighty brandish, Joxer strode around looking for something heroic to do. Finally, he found two acolytes helping an older woman with a broken ankle and assisted them by carrying the old woman to safety. CROW: He should get a Boy Scout badge for that. Velasca was most displeased when she arrived at the temple and found that most everyone had already fled it. She started ripping it apart, inch by inch in her frustration and rage, yelling imprecations at the goddess Artemis all the time. TOM: [Velasca, angrily] ^%^$! *&%)*$)! &#^)%)*! &%_*&%)*$*! #(&%#(&^! )^$^##O)#$! MIKE: Geeez, Tom! You're scaring me! CROW: Give him some more pills, Mike. Outside, Gabrielle was helping direct the stream of refugees, and had turned away several people coming with offerings. "Joxer, where the Crete are you?" she muttered under her breath. MIKE: *Where the Crete*? TOM: I guess hell didn't exist yet. CROW: Yeah, Los Angeles wasn't built for another 2000 years. "Gabrielle?" asked Velasca, suddenly pleased. She turned around and started to home in the voice carried to her by her godly senses. MIKE: [Velasca] I'm about to smite your little blonde ass! "Ah," she breathed. And hurled a thunderbolt. CROW: It's catfight time!!! "Get down!" yelled Artemis tackling the cute blond doing evacuation work, just before she was fried by a thunderbolt. TOM: Oh, so they're both dead. We can go now!!!! [ALL make to get up and leave] She landed on her back in the dirt, the white cat on her chest. "Omigods! You can talk!" she yelped. ALL: AAAAAAAARRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHG!!!! Artemis' eyes grew wide as he took in the sight of her. "Mmi...Minako?" he asked hesitantly. MIKE: Wait for it... "What?" replied Gabrielle. "Minako, you grew up!" said the amazed cat. CROW: [Artemis] In more ways than one!! MIKE: Crow... "What's 'minako' mean?" asked Gabrielle. TOM: It's Japanese for *airhead*. "Not what, who," replied Artemis. "You, aren't you Minako? Don't you recognize me? How can you have forgotten me!" he wailed. CROW: [Artemis] Damn contrivances! Gabrielle rolled to her feet, scooping the tomcat into her arms as another of Velasca's bolts struck the ground she'd laid in a moment ago. MIKE: [disappointed] Just a little longer... "Ah, Shit!" TOM: Hey! They didn't have that word then! What gives! That's an Anglo-Saxon word! MIKE: You're arguing logic with this story *now*? TOM: Well, now that you mention it... she said. "Velasca or Callisto must know I'm here...wait, I can draw them away!" she suddenly perked up. She dropped the cat to the ground and grabbed her fighting stick and began to turn to run for it, and hopefully lead the danger away from the dozen or so innocents still in the vicinity. CROW: [Gabrielle nee Minako] I think I will choose to face the peril! MIKE: [Artemis, as _Holy Grail's_ Arthur] No, it's too perilous! "Minako, REMEMBER!!" said the cat, and then a golden beam emanated from the crescent mark on his forehead. TOM: Ah, there it is. I was getting impatient. Three priestesses saw this wonder and fell to their knees, in awe at the holy power kept hidden by the cat all these years. Truly, Artemis had sent him to be their salvation in this hour of need. MIKE: For they had sincerely wet 'em. Gabrielle made a strangled cry as Artemis's mindprobe entered her CROW: [laughing like Beavis] TOM: CROW!! Make him stop, Mike! MIKE: [slaps CROW] CROW: [cough, hack] MIKE: You okay, Crow? CROW: Yeah, I'm okay. and sought out injured parts of her brain, filling them with warm golden light. TOM: Trying desperately to displace all the air found there. It hurt, for a moment, and then she felt a warmth spreading through her as the Minako part of her personality began to flow back into her mind. MIKE: It was easy, 'cause there was plenty of room. CROW: Boy, there's one for the ages, eh? A Minako who had lived until the time of Crystal Tokyo, centuries in age compared to the twenty-something Gabrielle of Potedaia. Gabrielle sank to her knees as the memory flood washed over her. MIKE: And she didn't have flood insurance. [All get up to leave] [commercials] [SoL Bridge] [MIKE and the BOTS are sitting down behind the desk, visibly shaken.] MIKE: Don't worry, guys...from what I can tell, the end is somewhat near! TOM: Mike, it's hopeless! I just can't take it! Please! just blast me out of the airlock! Please! CROW: When you go, let me go too! MIKE: No! We must persevere...ah, who am I kidding? What are we gonna do?! [Suddenly, the hexfield viewscreen opens up to reveal...Lucy Lawless [hereafter, I refer to her as XENA]?!] ALL: XENA!!!! XENA: Huh? Oh, yeah, hi. Are you the guys riffing the story? MIKE: Oh, yeah...But we just can't take it anymore! It's so painful!!!! XENA: Ah, don't worry about it. I've got all sorts of fanboys droolin' over me. Just relax, and take it in stride. Some of these guys kinda go to the extreme. Like Nightman. And, say, Nelson...you're lookin' kinda cute there! If you can make it through the story, I'll have a little surprise for you. MIKE: [hair standing on end, sweating, etc.] Ehhh, cool! CROW: You'll have to excuse him...he's been up here for about 500 years. [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: WE'VE GOT PATHETIC FANFIC SIGN!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [All take their seats] What has gone before: Minako Aino, Sailor Venus of the 30th century Crystal Tokyo, was exploring a castle on the defeated world of Nemesis. An unexpected attack by a shard of Chaos sent her falling into a timewarp that led to Mycenean Greece TOM: Here we go again. and a case of amnesia. Now grown into adulthood and known as "Gabrielle of Poteidaia," the former senshi is sidekick to the warlord-turned-heroine, Xena. However, the villainesses Callisto and Velasca, who stole godesshood for themselves, have just broken free from the confinement Xena and Gabrielle left them in previously. Unwilling to confront these upstarts directly, the gods of Olympus MIKE: Proceeded to light a doobie. have put their plans in motion: Zeus, through Aphrodite, has sent Xena on a quest into Tartarus to recover the Scythe of Chronos, an object powerful enough to kill a god - at the cost of the user's own life; Aphrodite has renewed her spell on Joxer, once more making him into a mighty and dashing hero; Hades has summoned a simple village girl named Moment to his service; and outside the attacked temple of the goddess Artemis, Gabrielle encountered the goddess's "sacred cat"--who has just restored her TRUE memories.... CROW: I think Nightman has found his Cut/Paste function in Word 6.0. Click here to visit the Xena Cast of Characters gallery. TOM: Aha! We're not falling for it this time! CHAPTER SEVEN: MIKE: Audience zero. MINAKO Gabrielle swayed, her world a kaleidoscope of memories, colors, scents and textures. CROW: Cool! She's smoking a bong! TOM: [surfer dude] Gnarly, dude! She remembered things in an random sequence of scenes: performing in the Idol Singer competition only to have it interrupted by Mimet; MIKE: ...the hell? arriving on the scene of Malachite and Zoicite's trap just in time to save Tukedo Kamen; TOM: ...dyslexic brother of Tuxedo Kamen... meeting Usagi for the first time in her reincarnated life; CROW: ...killing Usagi for the first time in her reincarnated life... MIKE: No, Crow...this isn't a Victor Von Doom fic. CROW: Oh, right. dying; being resurrected; dying again...a life pledged to serving the cause of good, and justice and light, no matter what the cost. TOM: [John Facenda] But for Rei, Makoto, Ami, and Usagi, there would be another day... She probably shrieked aloud; she wasn't sure. All she knew was that a moment before she'd been falling to her probable doom and suddenly she was alive and well and... older in body. CROW: Bigger too? MIKE: Crow... But there was Artemis, a hesitant expression on his face, as if he'd been unsure he could do what was needed. Silly cat, of course he could. TOM: [Minako] All I need now is my magic rod and the power of love!! MIKE: Tom... CROW: [snickers] "Artemissu!" she cried leaping forward to hug him, her Japanese accent ringing strangely in her own ears, now used to Greek. TOM: More ringing...what gives? The cat joyfully yelped back, "Mina!" his private, pet name for her and leapt into her arms. CROW: Wait...don't the other Sailor Senshi call her Mina? MIKE: Maybe Minako is Artemis's pet. TOM: Better than Artemis's *lover*. [ALL shudder] Then she froze, an odd expression on her face. "Minako, I am Aino Minako, Sailor V! Sailor Venus...but I'm also..." TOM: ...rabid? CROW: ...stupid? MIKE: ...easy? BOTS: MIIIKE!!! MIKE: Oops. Almost stole Crow's scthick again. her voice became unsteady as the initial wave of memory receeded and other memories,equally strong or perhaps moreso, rose up like rocks beneath a receding tide, "...I'm also Gabrielle. Gabrielle, Xena's friend. The Princess of the Amazons--no, I'm the Queen now, though Ephanie is holding things down for me." CROW: Wow! So she's now got multiple personalities! She shook her head, squinting her eyes, trying to clear her blurred vision and whirling thoughts. ALL: Aggida aggida aggida... Velasca's voice rang out from the trees. "Come out, Gabrielle. It's time for you to meet your Divine Judgement!" the mocking voice called. That was enough to make Gabrielle's eyes snap open wider; TOM: Ker-snap! she immediately plowed forward toward the bushes, leaving her staff discarded behind her. MIKE: Uh-oh! Bad move, dummy! Meanwhile, Xena had reached bottom of the cliffs that lined the chasm down into the deeps of the true Tartarus. CROW: [Xena] Yeah, it's nice that they finally got back to ME!!! What kinda crap is this? The cliffs simply ended and below them was endless, infinite space, filled with fire and darkness and great sounds that she could not and did not desire to understand. TOM: Hey! If it's *space*, then why is there anything in it??? From the myths of her childhood, she knew that far below was a floating island of bare stone, and on it a citadel bordered by a golden gate; within that, the Titans themselves were imprisoned. But, fortunately, she needed to descend no further. MIKE: It was cool now. On the last ledge before the fall into infinity, the Cave of Time beckoned her forward. She drew her sword overhead from the scabbard ALL: EWWWWWWWWW!!! on her back, crouched slightly and began to make her way in. After all, the most powerful weapon of the Titans was hardly unguarded. TOM: [darkly]Or so she *thought*! She crept in with all the considerable stealth she could muster. The inside of the cave at first was lit only from the flashes of fire emanating upward from Tartarus. CROW: [tries to move mouth] MIKE: [reaches over and grabs CROW's beak] TOM: Better than from Uranus!!! Ha! HA! HA! HA! BWAH,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! MIKE: I think Tom's gone loony. However, once she was inside the threshold of the cave, small crystals embedded into the wall of the cavern gave off a feeble, nacreous glow. There was a scent in the air, like leather and musk and foulness; it was CROW: Horse-plop. like that of the Cyclops, but even stronger. A faint susurration ran through the structure of the cave and she paused, looking around. It was as if a thousand giant fingers tapped a rhythm on the walls of the cave. TOM: The fingers...the fingers...the horrible fingers!!!! Which, unfortunately, is exactly what it was. For within the Cave of Time was Cottus the Hecatoncheire, the Hundred-Handed One. CROW: And *he's* never bored on a Saturday night. MIKE: CROW!!!! Xena crept forward into the paleness; far within the cave she saw a pillar of radiance at the juncture of several ominously large passageways. "The treasure? or a trap?" MIKE: I call trap! CROW: Ditto! TOM: Ditto! she wondered to herself. She decided it was a trap and headed off into deeper and darker parts of the cave, relying more on her other senses than sight. MIKE: Hopefully she won't start licking anything. It was cool and dark and quiet as the tunnel she chose angled downward. "Of course," she thought, "this might just be leading the way to a pit down into Tartarus..." MIKE: [eyes both BOTS cautiously] Back near Hellespont and the damaged temple of Artemis, Joxer wandered around a bit woozily. More flying objects had made the sound of a ringing bell, switching him back to normal. He was looking around for Minako TOM: I thought he knew her as Gabrielle! CROW: Well, they didn't let him in on the plot device. when he stopped. He thought he'd heard a noise; he looked around. Not seeing anything, he continued on his way. MIKE: Victim. Just then, Callisto faded into view just a few feet away from where she had been standing, her eyes were shining white orbs, and her smile was like a jackal's as she slowly strode after Joxer. TOM: [Jackalman] Nyah-ha-ha-ha! "Ok, Xena's not back with the ... weapon yet," said Gabrielle/Minako. "We have to stall Callisto and Velasca as long as we can, I'm sure Xena will be here soon." CROW: Don't bet on it. "Minako, transform!" yelped Artemis. "Of course! I can fight her as Sailor Vee-nus!" bubbled Minako/Gabrielle. MIKE: Quick! Put a cork on her before she spills all over! "I mean, last time we fought, er, well, fled from her, she was throwing around some mean lightning bolts but...really, nothing more than Makoto's 'Sparkling Wide Pressure' attack if you get right down to it...and I'm more powerful now than Makoto was then. I may be able to really do some damage to her!" Minako/Gabrielle made a fist as she lost focus, imagining her victory over Velasca. TOM: [Minako] When I get fried, I'll still look nice!! "Minako, transform!" yelped Artemis again. CROW: [Artemis] Please? Pretty please, with Tux on top? "Right!" she said, reaching for her transformation pen. "I--I!!!" MIKE: Oh, no! She's been possessed by Alpha 5! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! she suddenly yelled. "Oh no, Artemis, I was reaching for my 'henshin pen' when I grabbed you and the two of us went out the window...I DROPPED IT!" ALL: Wahh wahh WAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Artemis frowned, "Minako, I don't think you should *need* the wand..." CROW: You've got my tail! MIKE: CROW!! You want a time out? CROW: Sorry, Mike. Minako solemnly returned his gaze. "I do. I feel too...disconnected to transform without it." TOM: Oh, that makes se...huh? The lunar cat looked worried for just a moment and then his face broke into a big grin. "It's OK! We've come back in time!" MIKE: ...the hell? TOM: Just let it happen, Mike. "I don't understand," she said seriously in more of a Gabrielle-listening-to-Xena's-plan sort of tone. CROW: Stupid tones and looks again. "The transformation wand/pen exists in a special dimensional pocket. Once you were awakened as Sailor Venus, you could reach into that space. This is the same place you've always accessed. CROW: [Artemis] Just a little bit down the road!! Even if you dropped the wand in the future, IT STILL EXISTS HERE IN THE PAST!" he said triumphantly. MIKE: Captain Exposition...Away!!!!! "So desu ka!" she blurted. She reached about herself for a moment, used to the more natural feeling of drawing it out of a pocket... CROW: [giggles] but since she had none, she shrugged and taking on a determined expression, reached out into thin air. A patch of air MIKE: ...in her head... before her began shining with golden light, and with an expression of utmost concentration, she extended her hand into it. She grimaced in concentration and seemed to put her back into the effort of reaching forward. TOM: Relax, guys, sooner or later Nightman's gonna get tired. Slowly, maddeningly slowly, her hand went into the light...and disappeared into thin air. She had her entire forearm into this other space and was apparently groping CROW: [Beavis] Heh heh...he said groping... MIKE: [Butthead] Heh...cop a feel... around in it for several long moments. Artemis began to sweat with worry. According to everything he knew, the pens SHOULD exist here and now but if he was wrong...perhaps he could find a way to contact the guardian of his homeworld, Sailor Mau, along with Minako. She was nearly growling with the concentration of keeping her arm extended into otherspace AND groping around in there when suddenly her face blanked in surprise and she whipped her arm straight back with lightning-fast reflexes. The warp closed with an audible pop, but she grinned and showed him her prize: her original Sailor Venus transformation pen -- an orange wand surmounted by an oval emblazoned with the heart-designed sign of Venus. TOM: I think my head is beginning to hurt...the detail is just too much! Her face fell at the sight of it. "Only my old pen? I won't be able to change into Super Sailor Venus!" she lamented. CROW:[Artemis] Arrrrgh! all you do is complain, complain, complain! Shaddup! Artemis shook his head, "No, not true. Later, as your power increased, the form of the henshin pen changed too, but the power is still yours. Concentrate on it, build your power, then transform," he instructed. TOM: It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean! MIKE: What? TOM: I don't know...just slipped out. She looked at him doubtfully for a moment and then took a firm grip on the pen. "Venus Power," MIKE: Black Power! she murmured, and a golden haze of light sprang up from the pen and surrounded her. She concentrated, drawing strength from her memories of the early battles she and the sailor senshi had fought. "Venus Star Power," CROW: Wonder Twin powers...ACTIVATE!! she murmured, and the light withdrew into the pen, which morphed into a star-topped wand in her hand and then re-emitted the golden light. MIKE: Wow, pretty...BORING!!! BOTS: [snicker] Now she drew upon her later memories as Sailor Venus; before her eyes, the wand began to morph again; nearly not breathing with concentration, she called upon all her passion, and her more recent memories as Gabrielle, and as a crystal sphere flew into existence atop the wand, she cried aloud, TOM: [Venus, singing] The hillls are alive, with the sound of muuusic!!! "VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!!" MIKE: BIRDMANNNNN!!!! Light exploded around her, a rain of stars raining upward from the earth as if to carry her into the heavens. She was one with this power of harmony and light, letting it fill her as it spun her around in a geyser of golden starlight. Her eyes opened as she felt her senshi uniform appear around her and she pirouetted once and struck a position ready for combat and felt the power draw together inside her. Minako did not stand there. Gabrielle did not stand there. CROW: Well, that was unnecessarily cryptic. Sailor Venus stood there. TOM: No! Really? Artemis sat there beaming up at her as she cracked a smile as she reached up to see that yes, indeed, her old red hairbow had appeared. Sighing, as she was a little old to be wearing such things, she took it down and rolled up the ribbon and stuck it into the spacepocket. MIKE: [Venus]Parse *this*, Calvin Klein! Now that she had transformed, her connection to it was full-strength again. Artemis was about to jump up on her shoulder when a voice spoke out. TOM: [voice] Scat, darn cat! "Is that supposed to be some kind of warrior uniform, Gabrielle? Then again, you always were a pretender--as an amazon AND as a princess!" CROW: Oooh. That stung. "I am the Queen of the Amazons, Velasca," she said and turned to face her foewoman. MIKE: Wow! There's a new term! *Foewoman*! "Bah!" scoffed Velasca. "I could destroy you where you stand! TOM: [Velasca] I will kill you to death! But, yours will be a longer, more painful death! I will--" CROW: [Velasca] Force you to watch _Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighers From Beverly Hills_! ALL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! "Shut up," Sailor Venus remarked casually as she brought her right hand up, index finger extended. MIKE: No, that should be the *middle* finger, hon. "YOU DARE! I AM A GODDESS!" yelled Velasca. TOM: [Velasca] I will now prepare to smite thee! CROW: Hold that thought. Sailor Venus only said three words. "Crescent-o Beam, SMASH!!" as a bolt of solid starlight erupted from her finger, blasting into Velasca's midsection and hurling her over twenty feet straight back and through two medium-sized tree trunks. MIKE: [laughs] "And you, Velasca, were always a pretentious, condescending windbag!" she said. Artemis' jaw dropped. He was...impressed. TOM: [Artemis] Hell, I know this is a contived plot, and I still don't buy it! "Nooo!!!" screeched Velasca, who picked herself up. "I don't care if you have gotten God-like powers, Gabrielle, I'll kill you!!" She hurled another lightning ball and Sailor Venus leapt out of the way, tumbling through the air and rebounding off a handy tree trunk. She landed on a conveniently level branch 10 feet away from her original position. CROW: How convenient. Artemis scampered into the underbrush. MIKE: [Artemis] I think *you* can handle it, Mina! Velasca blasted the new tree trunk and Sailor Venus leapt again. TOM: Cool! She's playing Frogger! In the background, four comets fell from the heavens: one blue, one green, one yellow, and one pink. They were huge, and seemed as if they meant to fall to earth nearly upon the combatants. CROW: Just when we thought it couldn't get worse... TOM: It can't be! ALL: RAINBOW BRITE? AAAAAAAARRRRRGRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Velasca stopped and looked at them, instinctively sensing they were more than they appeared. She extended her godly senses out to them and recognized them. She would kill Gabrielle, but she would not rush into things. TOM: She's taking things easy. "Very well, Gabrielle, I'm not ready to fight this new, godly warrior version of yourself-- but rest assured, I'll be back!" MIKE: [Arnold Schwarzenegger] Hasta la vista, baby! She lifted her arms and a cyclone of power formed around her and she streaked away. The four comets struck earth soundlessly in the next clearing. CROW: Guys...brace for impact. Sailor Venus gathered Artemis back into her arms and began to look around for other signs of Velasca or Joxer, or other refugees. Just then, four women walked forth from the clearing. MIKE: Here it comes... The first three were dressed alike in fancy white togas, sandals, and chokers. The one in front had a shock of bright red hair, drawn upward into a crude topknot ponytail, and held there by a sort of hair band; her choker was green, and she was built lithely, like a Spartan woman. The second had short white hair, pale gray eyes, and had an ice-blue choker. She had the body of a runner. The third was a sensual type, with pouty lips, deep blue eyes, and long blond hair that fell in ringlets; her choker was yellow. TOM: What? NOOOO!!! CROW: Nightman has now brought the Super Scouts into this sphagetti tangle that is this fic! MIKE: AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! The fourth woman, with long white hair in twin pony tails, was Queen Serenity of the Silver Millenium. Sailor Venus fell to her knees. "Your majesty!" she exclaimed. "Arff!" said Artemis, MIKE: *Arff*? Artemis has turned into a dog!!! CROW: It's horrible! Time and space are melting! we're gonna die! AAAAARGGGHGHGHGHG!!! now being crushed in her embrace. She eased up a bit and the cat gasped for breath. "Mercury, Venus, stay close to Princess Serenity," commanded the red-haired maiden. "Highness, she appears to recognize you and that may make her all the more dangerous!" TOM: Uh-oh...fatal plot twist coming up! she cautioned when it appeared that Queen Serenity, who, now that Minako looked closer, was wearing not her royal gown but more of a ... princess dress... was about to step forward. She was also not holding the Crescent Moon Wand, but a large white staff with a flared tip which was firmly planted into the ground, and on which she was leaning, lines of exertion already worn into her young face. CROW: Maybe she should use that stuff that Dick Clark uses. The red haired maiden approached the kneeling Sailor Venus. "Who are you, stranger, to call upon the power entrusted to Sailor Venus?" TOM: What manner of girl are you that can summon fire without flint nor tinder? she demanded. "What allows you to dare the affront of taking an amulet that is the property of the Moon Realm?" Minako looked up. "Who's asking?" MIKE: Oh...oh..bad move, ditz! The red-haired maiden glowered at her insolence, but replied "Sailor Jupiter, leader of the Sailor God-warriors!" CROW: [Minako] Poopie! Minako smiled. "Because I am Sailor Venus," she said. "No! I am!" protested the blond. TOM: Isn't *that* Minako??? MIKE: Apparently not. "Eriae," warned the red-haired one before turning back to Minako. "Your story falls a little flat, stranger, considering that Aphrodite created and bestowed the power of Sailor Venus upon Eriae less than a year ago!" TOM: So there! MIKE: Let's get out of here. [All get up.] [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [Commercials] READERS: To go to Part V, click on the BACK button of your browser. You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/