Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! by Nightman MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Part V [SoL Theater] MIKE: Okay, guys...let' try to hang in here...maybe we can pull through. TOM: Yeah, sure. And the story could get better. CROW: You're kidding, right? What has gone before: Banished through time and space by an attack from Chaos itself, Aino Minako, "Sailor Venus" found herself alone and amnesiac in Mycenean Greece. She grew to adulthood having assumed the name and identity "Gabrielle of Poteidaia" and became the sidekick of Xena: Warrior Princess. ALL: Hooray. Now a twist of fate has released the evil goddesses Callisto and Velasca, sent Xena into Tartarus searching for a weapon to use against them, and reunited Minako with her guardian cat Artemis. TOM: Okay...and... Artemis' magic has restored Minako's memories--or a portion of them at least--to Gabrielle. MIKE: ...the hell? CROW: What does *that* mean? Sailor Venus was reborn just in time to engage Velasca in a brief skirmish. And then the fight broke off suddenly with the appearance of the Sailor God-Warriors and Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom! TOM: Somehow, I just don't feel this same enthusiasm when hearing "Moon Kingdom". MIKE: Hear hear! Click here to visit the Xena Cast of Characters gallery. CROW: Aye. CHAPTER EIGHT: SERENITY TOM: Which only death can bring. MIKE: That's *really* dark, Tom. Xena crept stealthily through the tunnel. She was moving using her warrior's senses and not her eyes. The darkness was almost absolute. CROW: Absolut Darkness...Available in beer stores near you! There was a strange vibration that seemed to hang in the air, an almost palpable, artificial stillness and she was sure it was some emanation coming from Chronos' scythe. CROW: EEWWWWWWWWW!!!! Chronos' scythe has the runs! MIKE: Crow... There was a sudden movement CROW: I was right!!! MIKE: CROW! and she leapt forward executing a perfect somersault as she did. TOM: Judges like it...9.4. More sounds lashed behind her and she landed in a grotto with a thin layer of sand atop the floor. Ancient wall sconces burst into life around the room and she could see the rock walls were sponge-like, full of dozens of openings. MIKE: Good. Maybe some chamber lizards will come out and eat her, and the fanfic will end. And through those openings some of the hands of Cottus the Hecatoncheire, the Hundred-Handed One. CROW: ...who's never lonely on a Saturday night... MIKE: Crow... Immediately, her chakram was in her hand and a smile of wicked glee was on her face. TOM: This is sounding more and more like a Christmas carol. This enemy was not human. CROW: It was the enemy formerly known as human. There would be no need for holding back. Her wrist snapped into position MIKE: Hey! She's got Battle-Matic Action™!! and with a fierce "kieyaiyai!" yell, TOM: [uppity lady] Oh, do try the kieyaiyai. It's a simply marvelous Hawaiian dish. she hurled the metal torus at the giant hands emerging from the wall. With a shriek like metal on metal, the spinning blade flew through the air and rapped a half-dozen of Cottus' hands right across the knuckles, CROW: Owwww... hit the wall, and boomeranged back toward Xena. A mammoth howl of pain blasted through the cave and several of the arms withdrew TOM: [Butthead] Heh heh...he said withdrew...huh huh... MIKE: Can it, Servo. into the cave wall. She snagged the chakram with another snap of her wrist and then exploded into action. CROW: Oooh...Could use a little Gas-X. "Mortal cow! You will die for that!" yelled the bastard child of the earth. TOM: Oh! Like the Bastard Operator From Hell!! The cave began to rock as the Hecatoncheire began to thrash, sending fist sized rocks pouring into the chamber. There was the sound of metal in the background and Xena knew that the immense creature had drawn its weapons. MIKE: [creature] Pares *this*, Arnold Schwarzenegger! This chamber would very shortly become a killing ground. With another war cry, Xena darted across the room, her own sword drawn, dodging the falling stones and working her way toward an alcove in the far wall. Within it was a golden box encrusted with jewels. CROW: [Jeremy the Crow] Oooh...a Sparkly!!! She put her hand on it and immediately raised the box over her head--just barely using it as a shield to deflect another stone that almost struck her. She reached in and shoved at a couple of stones piled up, knocking them onto the floor. The gold case didn't have the anti-vibration she was seeking... there! TOM: Ohhh...*that* place. CROW: [snicker] A simple wooden box, that was what she wanted. It was MIKE: [singing] One of her favourite things! large, an armful. She leapt nimbly back into the center of the room and slung the flat box over her back and tucked it under the strap of her scabbard. She began to tumble her way out of the deathtrap even as Cottus began poking huge pikes down into the room in an attempt to skewer her. TOM: Movie clichés always work. "I don't suppose it would mean anything if I told you that I have Zeus' permission to get this?" she yelled out. CROW: [Cottus] Oh, like when Zeus says "jump", I say "how high?" Please! "No! It is mine to keep and guard! The old goat can't take it away from me! If you're from him i'm just the madder, sow!" MIKE: The *madder*? CROW: Madd Bubbler? "Your attitude is really starting to bug me!" snarled back Xena. TOM: [Xena] People bug me! Coming to her feet, she drew her sword again and swung it at the haft of one of Cottus' many spikes coming down into the room. MIKE: Don't these guys ever listen? She picked up the severed shaft and dashed forward, burying it's tip in the ground. She swung around on it, her feet kicking several of Cottus' hands that emerged from the wall in an attempt to grab her as she re-entered the narrow passageway. CROW: Oh, for fun! Slapstick can be so hilarious! He howled again ALL: AWOOOOOOOO!!! and she dropped to her feet, and hefted up the makeshift spear. Xena started running with it pointing before her like a lance. "Kaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyai...!" MIKE: Kame...Hame... she gave her warcry and ran for the exit. CROW: [Three Headed Knight] Oh! She's buggered off! TOM: [ditto] So it is...she's scampered! Meanwhile, outside of Hellespont... MIKE: [announcer] Bonnie and Clyde break from the Dodge City bank... Minako surged to her feet. "Aphrodite created Sailor Venus? Not quite. Awakened her, perhaps, but I know that our power flows from the sailor crystal within me, the star seed that is my life spark. The power of creation that gives life to all things." CROW: Yeah, whatever. Nurse! More sedatives! "What are you babbling about?" demanded Sailor Jupiter. TOM: Just what we'd like to know. "Do you not feel it? The power of the stars? The power of the white moon? It moves within me, and within you as well." MIKE: *White Moon*? CROW: [Patsy] You know...[sniff sniff]...know? Minako leaned forward and lightly touched the astonished Sailor Jupiter's wrist. A golden haze began to shimmer around her. After a moment, Sailor Jupiter's eyes widened. Her mouth opened in a wordless 'oh!' and a similar, greenish aura formed around her. TOM: [Jupiter] Oh, pooh...that's the last time I play with plutonium. Minako's was, by far,stronger. CROW: [sarcastic] Oh, so Minako is oh-so-little Miss Perfect! She's *always* gotta be better, doesn't she, Nightman? Can never do anything wrong... Why don't you... MIKE: [restrains CROW] Relax, buddy... CROW: [with MIKE's hand over his mouth] MMMMRPH! MMMRRRRPPPH!!! "We are both, Sailor Senshi," Minako breathed reverently. TOM: [Minako] And I think that adds up to...to...uh? Princess Serenity sighed. "It is as she says; the explanation my mother gave all of you earlier was...oversimplified." MIKE: ...the hell? When did this happen? "Senshi?" asked Sailor Mercury. "Not God-warrior?" CROW: Well...*somebody* has high standards. "Senshi, senshi means soldier, or warrior, I suppose," replied Minako thoughtfully. TOM: [Minako] Ow! My head hurts! "But it has a deeper meaning, something to the effect of 'we who are willing to lay down our lives in battle' that distinguishes it from a common fighter." She paused again, lost in thought for a moment. MIKE: And she didn't have a map. "It's what Xena is, what she's become. She's a true hero." CROW: Oh, *really*? The other Sailor Venus spoke up hesitantly. "You sound like you care for her, and miss her a lot." ALL: AWWWWWWWWWW!!!! TOM: Now this is becoming a sitcom. Minako smiled. "I do. She's on a quest into Tartarus to get a weapon that can kill Velasca and Callisto." MIKE: [Minako] _Barney_ videos. [ALL shudder] Princess Serenity's eyes narrowed. "What weapon?" she asked quietly. MIKE: [angrily, as Minako] _Barney_ videos!!! CROW: Mike, let it go. It was a tone that Sailor Venus had heard before. She turned to the princess. "The Scythe of Chronos, highness," she replied respectfully. Serenity nodded TOM: ...off to sleep after listening to Minako's windy, air-filled speeches. once at the confirmation of her suspicions. "But Aphrodite herself, acting on orders from Zeus, sent her to get it. Callisto and Velasca are a pair of evil women who got their hands on Ambrosia; Xena trapped them in a lava flow and now they're loose. The gods alone know what kind of destruction they may have wrecked on that poor village!" she added, CROW: Thanks for the exposition, Mina. MIKE: For those who have just joined Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?!, we offer a recap of the non-action. her concern making her rush through her statement and at the same time making it sound like an appeal for permission. CROW: Otherwise, she would get the chair. Serenity's head jerked to the side TOM: Neat! She's a Rock-em-Sock-em Robot!!! CROW: Those pretenders? Feh! and Minako followed her gaze. TOM: Sayyyyy... MIKE: Tom..., Huge columns of smoke had risen above the treetops. "They would not dare..." began Serenity. "It is forbidden for the gods to indiscriminately slay mortals so... MIKE: [Serenity] ...easily!! ! Not even Ares or Hera would so violate the ancient laws!" TOM: So, I guess it hasn't occurred to her that it might be *SOMEONE ELSE* doing this damage?!!! CROW: Jeeez! You have to spoon-feed these guys! "Highness," Minako again spoke respectfully, but with a tone of great assurance, " I know this. But I'm afraid you're wrong. They are renegades. This is exactly the kind of thing that Zeus expected them to do." MIKE: Gee. What a leader. Just sits around while people get rubbed out. Serenity merely shook her head in disbelief. Minako merely stood there, resolved, while Sailor Jupiter scowled at her. TOM: [Jupiter] Grrrrr...grrrr...snort... CROW: Um, Mike, I think Tom's gone feral. Suddenly a thought crossed Minako's mind. MIKE: With no resistance from anything. "Highness...where is Sailor Mars?" TOM: Uh..oh...another fatal plot contrivance coming up... MIKE: No, Tom, this is not a Ratliff story. It's a Nightman story. There are only fatal plot points. CROW: Oh, by the way, where's Artemis? Princess Serenity turned to meet her gaze, her left arm still clutching her white staff as if she needed it keep standing up. TOM: Bad Grammar too! AAARRRRRGHGHGH!!! She frowned. "Ares...has not...awakened her. He claims that he's had to investigate several possibilities and discounted several. He has been promising Us Our Sailor Mars but has yet to bring her to Us. MIKE: Wow...somebody's got a God complex. CROW: *Us*? I mean, *really*,... "I see..." said Minako thoughtfully. "Right, well, now that you all know why I borrowed Sailor Venus' transformation wand," she nodded at Eriĉ who smiled in return, "I'm sure you don't object to my further involvement?" Princess Serenity shook her head. TOM: ...spilled the dice, and got Yahtzee. MIKE: Uh, Tom, are you okay? "I want to investigate this situation a little more before we return to my mother's court," she added. TOM: [sarcastic] Boy...Isn't *that* ironic. Nice wordplay, Nightman. Sailor Jupiter frowned. "We are the princess's bodyguards and I do not think it wise she remain here for long...but...I also think we should see these villainesses' handiwork. They might someday threaten our realm and it would be good to know what they are capable of. CROW: Oh, I'd say wanton destruction and serial killing, you? Sailor Mercury blinked in surprise. "Melissa! That's really good forethought on your part!" she exclaimed. ALL: *MELISSA*? CROW: My head is really hurting. Though doubtless Mercury meant it as a compliment, it did rather have a condescending tone to it and Sailor Jupiter frowned. MIKE: Geesh! This Jupiter is like Droopy! somebody get her some uppers! BOTS: MIIIIKE!!! MIKE: Oh, yeah, drugs are bad, kiddies. Ooops. Eriĉ giggled and rolled her eyes. TOM: Getting a nine. MIKE: Tom, what is it with the dice? TOM: What? Once again, she would be playing peacemaker. CROW: Oh. Okay. "The village is this way," piped up Artemis, who was pointing out the path. MIKE: [Artemis] Well! I guess we've just gotten back to *me* now! What gives here? TOM: The Amazing Invisible Cat. They began walking that way. Serenity constantly leaned upon her staff and required frequent rests. CROW: [Serenity] I've fallen and I can't get up...oh...wait a minute... It took about an hour to get to the town proper, and when they had, they were amidst the wreckage where Hellespont had been. The devastation was awful. Not a building was untouched. Several had been blasted to splinters, others reduced to shells of charcoal. MIKE: And so, the Kingsford Company was born. Fires were still burning in the village in places, mostly in a cluster of houses that were otherwise not too badly harmed by blast or other mishap. TOM: *Other mishaps*? CROW: Oh, yeah...some of those houses trip over rocks and things. There were dead bodies lying on the ground. Several might have been struck dead by Velasca's bolts of fury. Others seemed to have been burned, either by the conflagration devouring the village buildings, or by a great gout of fire which engulfed their bodies in an instant. MIKE: Boy. That sucks and some stuff. The priestesses of Artemis were moving among the still forms, finding those injured who still lived. Their order was not one of healers; still, their courage served them well in moving among the remains. Still, there was not much they were able to do beyond offer some water to the dying. TOM: I never thought mass destruction would be so annoying. Serenity and her bodyguard moved into the center of the village. The princess' eyes became an unreadable blue as she saw the devastation around her. Sailors Venus and Mercury also looked fairly green. CROW: [Kermit the Frog, singing] It's not easy...being green... Sailor Jupiter's jaw was clenched tight and she constantly was on the lookout for a threat. MIKE: Man! This Sailor Jupiter really needs some Ritalin! The few villagers that weren't busy dying gaped at the beautiful white-dressed woman and her entourage. Serenity staggered to a halt, gasping with the effort. She plunged the pointed tip of the staff into the ground before her and came to a halt, leaning on it. Minako wasn't sure, but she thought she might have said, 'no.' TOM: Does it *really* matter? Eriĉ put her hand on the princess' shoulder. "Highness, are you alright? Is the exertion too much for you?" she inquired solicitously. Serenity merely nodded at first as she levered herself up on the staff. CROW: Wow..These girls are just...so swift... Two of Artemis' priestesses had approached the little group. "Pardon us, Lady, but we have not seen you before," the older of the two said as they approached. Serenity's forehead was clearly marked with a golden crescent moon and they were no doubt wondering if Artemis had started wearing formal dresses. MIKE: uhhh...wha? The other, more eager, continued, "Yes! Who are you, Lady?" TOM: Somebody needs some manners. Humph. Serenity took a deep breath. "I am Princess Serenity, daughter of Selene, the Titan of the moon. And I am a daughter of Light. And so..." she leaned back, balancing with great care and lifted her staff off the ground, raising it was obvious effort up, CROW: "Raising it was obvious effort up"? MIKE: I'm totally lost now. above her head, straining to raise fully over her head and held out at the length of her arms. TOM: Uh huh...yeah. We got it, Nightman. Artemis hopped up on Minako's shoulder. "I bet she's never been on CROW: [Artemis] Geritol. MIKE: Don't put that image in my mind. Earth before," he whispered in her ear. Solemnly, she nodded but didn't take her eyes of the princess she had known as a queen. TOM: Whaaaat? She has eyes of the princess she had known as a queen?!!!! CROW: ARRRRRGGGGGHHH!! The PAIN! THE PAIN!!! There was something awe-inspiring about the Princess. CROW: Her bustline. MIKE: Crow, what have I told you about that? Minako realized suddenly why it was so familiar: Serenity was reminding her of her own daughter, Usagi--Sailor Moon. TOM: Being lame, saying blatantly obvious things, and being a total load? MIKE: You got it, buddy. Suddenly Melissa, Sailor Jupiter, spun around aghast as she realized what was going on behind her. MIKE: No, Crow. CROW: I wasn't gonna say anything. TOM: Yeah, sure. "Highness no, you need the energy to sustain you here in Gaea's realm! Besides, your mother removed the Crescent surmounting her staff before entrusting it to you, without it...!" MIKE: The fanfic will end!! ALL: END IT! END IT! END IT! Serenity, her eyes locked on the white staff above her head, said "I don't care--I will not let this travesty be if I can fix even a small portion of it." CROW: [Serenity] Let me at Nightman!! "Moon--Healing--" Suddenly the staff was a shaft of whiteness and brilliant silver light emanated from it and the Moon Princess. TOM: BORING!! "E S C A L A T I O N ! ! !" A blazing silver radiance shot forth, filling the area; glittering motes of moondust MIKE: What's a *mote*? CROW: I'm positive that I haven't the foggiest. sprayed through the air and the rays of light swept around the village washing it again and again in the purifying light of the moon. MIKE: When your wash is dirty, use good ol' moonlight. A few moments earlier, and a few miles from the village, Velasca and Callisto had reunited and begun to confer. TOM: [Callisto] Our first order of business: Total destruction. "Listen to me, Callisto," Velasca sneered. "You think this will be so easy for us? I encountered Gabrielle and she has gained God-like powers of her own! She struck me with a beam of solid light, it was like a shaft of forged steel!" MIKE: [Velasca] Although we shouldn't know about that for another 2000 years... Callisto laughed, a shrill and manic sound. CROW: Cool! She's possessed by the spirit of Alanis Morrisette! "Maybe she was so afraid of us that she got Xena to find her some Ambrosia of her own. Now you can have your duel with her Velasca--it might even be half-fair!" TOM: None of the characters in this story have a shred of intelligence. "This isn't funny you crazed bitch!" spat Velasca. "If Gabrielle has gained powers, what of Xena?" Callisto grinned. "Oh, then it will just be that much more fun to kill everything around her!" TOM: The way she jumped around that question suggests that she inspired the creation of Congress. Just then, Princess Serenity released the force of her power of healing. Velasca and Callisto felt it in their very bones. Closing her eyes and stretching her senses onto the wind, the huntress perceived the far-off village. She saw the living's wounds closing, burns healing. She saw a small dog that she had particularly enjoyed kicking ALL: BOOO!! HISS!!! CROW: Jamie Lee Curtis is crying. suddenly get back up, wag its tail, and run into the arms of an 8 year old boy with a face covered in soot. TOM: It's Sebastian!!! MIKE: Crow, that cartoon is long-gone. Tears started coming to her eyes and she shook them out of her eyes and snarled, a feral expression coming over it, her white eyes glowing like hellish red coals. "NO! Someone's healing them! Someone's making it all better! That's not fair!! CROW: [Velasca] Why'd Nightman stop contriving the plot for me? They're all dead, they have to stay dead!! Where were the gods when Xena burned my village to the ground? Where was this being who's making it all better!? It's not fair!! My village should have been saved too! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!!!" she screamed, MIKE: [imitates appropriate child tantrum noises] TOM: [sarcastic] Gee, Velasca. Want a bottle? her fury making her voice a roaring thunderclap of sound that blasted down several nearby trees and sent her threat echoing across the land for leagues around. CROW: RI-CO-LAAA!!! In Hellespont, her strength nearly exhausted by the effort of reaching out to all within the village still alive and keeping them from Death's cool grip, Princess Serenity abruptly stopped emanating moon light and sagged to her knees, the White Moon Staff slamming into the ground before her like a pike. MIKE: Should've had her Wheaties. "Highness!" cried her three Sailor Senshi. MIKE: I thought they were self-proclaimed "God-Warriors"! TOM: Don't start that again, Nelson. They all rushed to her side in a heartbeat. Minako continued to keep alert. She rather suspected that Princess Serenity's display of power would draw some unwanted attention... CROW: Peeping Toms! TOM: Let's go, guys. [MIKE picks up TOM and takes him out of theater.] [commercials] [SoL Bridge] CROW: Guys! Guys! I'm sure we can make it!!! There's only ONE chapter left!!! MIKE: [Marv Albert] Yessss!! [red MADs light flashes.] TOM: Oh, GREAT! What do *they* want? MIKE: [hits button] [Some Planet] PEARL: Oh, so you guys think you can get out of this one alive, huh? Well, I've got news for you buddy, I'm gonna make it nice and painful for you!!! In ya go! [pushes a button] [SoL] ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,*] What has gone before: CROW: Any hope that this story will be good. While Xena descended into Tartarus to claim a weapon of the Titans, Gabrielle encountered the magical cat Artemis, who cured her amnesia. Sailor Venus was reborn just in time TOM: Hey! Wait a minute! Then Gabrielle doesn't exist after this! He just destroyed all of the continuity and the time-space continuuum just like that! It's a paradox! AAAAAHHH! AAAAHHH! MIKE: [grabs TOM and shakes him] TOM! Calm down now! You'll blow a fuse!! [MIKE starts to rock TOM gently, like a baby.] TOM: Goo. Goo. CROW: Oh, great. Tom's regressed now. We're lucky robots don't poop. MIKE: Crow... to engage the new, renagade goddess Velasca in a brief skirmish. The fight broke off suddenly with the appearance of the Sailor Senshi of this era and Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom. MIKE: Funnny, I can't exactly remember why. Meanwhile, acting on a promise carelessly given to him by Aphrodite, Hades has selected his own champion. CROW: [announcer] Mike Tyson is out! The new heavyweight champion...Evander Holyfield!!! MIKE: [imitates crowd noise] TOM: [baby voice] I want milk!! Princess Serenity, upon seeing the devastation wrecked by Velasca and her accomplice Callisto, has pushed her healing powers to the limit CROW: Oh. _To the Limit_, starring Anna Nicole Smith. MIKE: [laughs] Not that type of *to the limit*, Crow. in an attempt to save some of the villagers of Hellespont from the touch of death. TOM: [baby voice] Bad Touch!! Callisto, in turn, was outraged at her meddling and has formulated a plan to win vengeance for both her and Velasca... CROW: It involves syrup, an anthill, and Xena. MIKE: Eeesshh! CHAPTER NINE: ARES Xena broke the surface of the lake, CROW: Since it was a glass lake. though it wasn't Avernus. MIKE: Does *everything* have to be Avernus? Nearby, Argo was munching contentedly on some oats. Xena stalked out of the water, the box containing the Scythe of Chronos on her back, firmly tucked under her scabbard. She looked around warily at the surroundings. "Hellespont," CROW: *We* say Detroit. she murmured to herself. She shook her head and pulled her hair back into place as she emerged from the lake. She began to prepare Argo for the journey. MIKE: [Argo] Why do *I* have to carry the bags? A short while later, when she was ready, Hades materialized nearby, still attired casually and sporting a noticeable bruise on his right cheek. Xena stared in surprise. CROW: [Xena] Well, what's cookin, good lookin'? TOM: Goo!! I gotta go pottie! MIKE: Allright...you're getting annoying, Tom. TOM: I gotta go pottie!!! MIKE: You can't pottie, Servo! TOM: Yes I *can*!! [makes "fart" noise] MIKE: Allright...that's it! [pops TOM in the head] TOM: Urrrk...ooof...ahhh...Whew! CROW: You better, Tom? TOM: Ooof! Much! Hades scowled and rubbed his cheek. "Who'd have thought Aphrodite would have that good of a right hook?" he asked the world in general in a plaintive tone of voice and shrugged. MIKE: Hades is _Hamlet_. CROW: I never liked soliloquies. "What--" began Xena. Hades silenced her with a wave of his hand. TOM: Man...this guy is stoic. "They're loose already." Xena scowled. CROW: [Xena] My bowels. MIKE: CROW! STOP THAT! CROW: Okay. Sheesh. "Aphrodite and I each found you some help. Mine will meet you in what's left of the town in about an hour." He promptly disappeared without another word. Xena sighed in irritation. 'Gods,' she thought, 'you can't live with them, you can't live without them.' TOM: [Xena] I used a clichèd line, and dammit, I'm proud of it! She grabbed some rations out of her saddlebag and mounted Argo. Today was just as good a day to die as any other. As long as she got to take out the bitches with her... and Gabrielle lived through it. MIKE: Oh, so Xena is a Branch Davidian. "C'mon!" she yelled and shook Argo's reins. A little more speed would be nice right about now. CROW: But she forgot her needles. In the center of the ruins of Hellespont... TOM: [rapping] ...lost in the shadow of the valley of the plot... "Gabrielle! What was that light?" asked Joxer, staggering up to her. He looked dazed, and there was a new dent in his helmet. Minako/Gabrielle blinked at him. CROW: [announcer] It's Minako Aino and Minako Aino in _The Parent Trap_! "It's Princess Serenity, from the Moon. She healed some of the town people," she said evenly. "Joxer, this is important, take up a position about 300 yards over there," she said as she pointed towards the west. MIKE: [Minako] Woof! "If you see Velasca or Callisto coming, just yell and then go hide in the bushes." TOM: [Joxer] Yeah. Just as soon as I change my shorts. MIKE: Tom... "The--the--bushes?" he asked incredulously. He put on a bold front. "But, you'll need my sword to--" he broke off as Sailor Venus stepped close to him and grabbed his wrists in her hands. CROW: Sayyyy... MIKE: Crow, watch it. The nearness of Gabrielle almost made him gasp. Sailor Venus blinked as Minako suddenly realized something that Gabrielle had not. TOM: Her skirt was too long. MIKE: [laughs] She sighed, and smiled warmly. "You remind me of Yuuichiro," she said. CROW: [Minako] You've got a dirtstache like his. "Who?" he asked. She smiled. "A nice guy who was in love with my friend Rei." TOM: [Minako] But *not* Makoto. She changed her tone to something more serious. "Joxer, this is important. The Princess exhausted herself and the new goddesses are likely to attack soon. And don't try to fight them, you are a mortal man." MIKE: [Joxer] Well, duh! "What about you?" he asked plaintively. "It's all right... Aphrodite has given me some of her power," she lied smoothly, "and I can face Velasca. I've already smacked the bitch once!" she chortled. CROW: [Barney] Hoo hoo!!! MIKE & TOM: CROW! TOM: Never, ever, do that again. "You had surprise on her last time, did you not?" asked the soft voice of Sailor Mercury, who'd just walked over to them. MIKE: [Mercury] Dammit, if I'm gonna be in this story, I'm gettin' some lines! Minako nodded. "But I have a few more tricks she won't be expecting. And I suspect I know just what you three are capable of, as well." CROW: [Minako] Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Joxer grinned stupidly at the leggy form of Sailor Mercury. "I'm Joxer the Mighty, miss...?" TOM: [Joxer] I want you to meet my little friend...oh...and I see you've also met Gabrielle. "I'm Sailor Mercury. And if we're attacked, please help the Princess get to safety. She can't walk well." "Is she sick?" Joxer asked sincerely. MIKE: [Mercury] No, just invalid. We'll have to shoot her. "No, just very very weak," Mercury replied. Joxer nodded and looked in the direction Gabrielle had pointed out earlier. "Right, I'm gonna guard our flanks!" he said and stumbled off in that direction. CROW: [Joxer] And I'm gonna start with *Gabrielle's* flanks, heh, heh... Back on the road to Hellespont... TOM: ...was a flattened chipmunk. A small blast of fire suddenly appeared in the road. Argo whinnied and reared in surprise. Xena held on for a moment and jumped down as soon as Argo dropped back down. Freed of Xena, the horse ran back several feet to get away from the fire. CROW: [as Mr. Ed] Wiiiiilllbuuurr! I'm a gettin' outta here! Xena looked around warily, barely moving more than her eyes. With one fluid gesture, she drew her sword from its scabbard with a soft, metallic scraping sound. Arms at the ready position, she adjusted her facing. MIKE: I'd be in awe if I knew what the hell that meant. "That's what I admire about you, Xena. You are always the consummate warrior," said Ares who then appeared in a blast of red light. TOM: Man! This guy sure knows how to make an entrance! "Ares, I should have known," Xena said in a derogatory voice. "What do you want?" MIKE: [Xena] Aw, nothing. "The same thing I've always wanted Xena," he said in his most seductive voice. "You at my side, leading my armies. Bringing the order of one voice to this world. You are my chosen champion, you always have been," he went on. "And now you have the scythe..." CROW: [Ares] And I will RULE THE WORLD!!!!!...wait a minute... "Ahh, yes," purred Xena. "The scythe. Well, gee, I have this phenominal power at hand and you want me to abuse it; well, no thank you, Ares. I have something important to do!" TOM: [Xena] I have to put together the deus ex machina plan, kill all the bad guys and anyone who gets in my way, and smile a self-assured and smug grin at the end of the story! "Like use the scythe and become a feeble old hag in the blink of an eye?" he replied sarcastically. "Embrace me, Xena. I'll grant you a long life; the scythe won't hurt you." MIKE: [Eddie Murphy] Trust me... "So I can use it for you... a lot!" she said with mock cheerfulnes. CROW: [Xena] Buddy, you just opened up a whole new can of whoop ass! "No, no, not at all! You have this figured out all wrong, Xena. Once the people see that you can use that thing, fear alone will bring them into line with my agenda. You won't even have to hurt that many people to teach them to obey." TOM: This guy should be part of the Senate. Xena looked at Ares, who was beaming an almost boyish, earnest smile at her. Like he really thought she was buying what he was selling. MIKE: [Xena] I wanna refund! "Ares...you are disgusting! Get away from me before I'm tempted to use this thing on you!" she spat. CROW: Ptooie!! MIKE: Crow... "Ah, but you know what happens if there isn't a god of war!" he laughingly protested. "All the peaceful people of the world will fall into savagery! You wouldn't want that!" TOM: [Ares] Not if you want syndication, that is. "I'm sure either Callisto or Velasca would be happy to give your position a shot. I know! I'll kill you...and hopefully they'll kill each other fighting over your position!" exclaimed Xena happily. MIKE: Yup...he's definetely in trouble. "Well, fine, be that way!" spat Ares. "I tried to work with you. Now, you're on your own. Completely. No help from me, whatsoever!" CROW: [Xena] It doesn't matter! I've got the writer on my side! he vanished into a red aura and a flickering flash of red light. "Hmm," said Xena as she walked toward the roadside where Argo had bolted. "I guess he'll never learn." TOM: Why don't they look? She re-mounted and continued on, cursing the delay. MIKE: $&$^&( delay! *&%$*(*delay! #&%^delay! TOM: Now who needs to relax? "Gabrielle!!" yelled Joxer. "I see something coming this way! CROW: [Jozer] Something wicked this way comes!! It's like a whirlwind, but it's close to the ground!" MIKE: Oooh! It's Pictionary! TOM: Uhhh... a toilet! CROW: A bath drain! "Your majesty, we should be going now," said Sailor Jupiter. Serenity shook her head. TOM: All the marbles rolled out. "I'm too weak to teleport back still," she said. Sailor Jupiter groaned. CROW: Jeez, woman! Why don't you cheer up? MIKE: She'd make Shari Lewis eat a Glock. "Then, I'm afraid we're going to have to fight," she said resignedly. TOM: [Jupiter, snarling] eat *this*, Serenity! She held her hands in front of her and a small sphere of light appeared. From it, she drew a sword out of nowhere. Minako gasped, and then gasped again. TOM: [Minako] Oh, no! Not another fatal plot twist!!! It wasn't the sword she had held as a badge of office when she had lead the Sailor Senshi during the time of Queen Serenity's reign...her sword had twin crescent hilt guards. MIKE: [angrily] So it's *better*, huh, Nightman? Again with little miss *perfect* Minako again, huh? WHO GIVES A CRAP?!! CROW: Mike, you okay, hon? MIKE: I'm sorry. This fic is just getting to me. This sword had a hilt guard in the shape of a pair of beautiful, golden oak leaves. TOM: Although, if Jupiter had her way, they would be marijuana leaves. "Amica, are you ready?" Sailor Jupiter yelled at Sailor Mercury. Minako blinked in surprise at the similarity of name this Sailor Mercury had to her Sailor Mercury. MIKE: Yeah. Seems like another cheesy plot convenience. "Artemis, help Joxer get Princess Serenity to cover," she said. CROW: Oh. I almost thought they were going to wax her. "Oh kay!" he said, grinned at her, and dashed off to do what he needed to. TOM: [Jupiter] Be sure to bury it when you're done! MIKE: Tom!!! CROW: Yeah, Servo!! Seconds later, the whirlwind hit the edge of town and Velasca reformed out of it. She was woozy for a minute but grinning. MIKE: [Velasca] ...that didn't make me sick...urp... TOM: [under breath] Hypocrite. "We might want to jump her now," Minako murmurred into Sailor Jupiter's ear, trying to not usurp the authority of her predecessor but sure this was the way to go. CROW: Try kissing her butt. Worked for Professor Bobo. Melissa grimly smiled and nodded. "I concur," she said without taking her eyes from the threat before them. "Mercury!" She yelled. Amica nodded once, ran forward about 30 feet and stopped. She spun around, facing the north of the clearing and hunched over. MIKE: She's Kerri Strugg! Whiteness was suddenly in the air around her, streaming forward and condensing into a ball in her hands. She spun around. "Mist Spray!" she yelled and released the white sphere she'd created. It exploded and the whole section of town they were in was suddenly blanketed in whiteness. TOM: If David Duke were President... "What is this?" asked Velasca, suddenly puzzled. MIKE: I'd say your time's up, pancake's on the griddle, and timer's on 30 seconds. High overhead, the clouds roiled. A small rod extended CROW: [laughs like Beavis] TOM: Stop it, CROW! Those guys are DEAD! CROW: Why doesn't anybody tell me these things? from the center of Melissa's tiara and electricity began to build. "Great god Zeus, grant me the fury of your retribution!" she cried aloud in a voice that rang with tones of thunder in it. Lightning poured from the sky and formed an aura around Sailor Jupiter, who gathered the charge in, shaped and formed it. MIKE: And she didn't get fried. CROW: You have GOT to be kidding me! "Supreme Thunder!!" she yelled, unleashing a huge blast at the blinded goddess. Velasca shrieked in surprise when the attack hit her. TOM: [Velasca] Note to myself: Always work in *anti-fics*. What's J.B. Graham's number? "Hey, let's pin her in a cross-fire!" yelled Minako to Eriae, the other Sailor Venus. MIKE: [Minako] Hey! Let's yell out what we're gonna do so that the enemy will know what we're gonna do next! The other woman nodded and they each ran forward and out to the side. CROW: Wow...it's so descriptive. TOM: Yeah, *right*. Melissa saw what they were doing and nodded. She gauged their angle and position while Sailor Mercury summoned more fog. Velasca tried to whip the enshrouding blanket away with winds but she was having a hard time focusing. MIKE: She must be a FunSaver camera. CROW: Mike, when the lawyers knock on your door, I never knew you. Minako didn't have a clue if any of this was actually hurting her or not though. TOM: Well, *we* don't, so why should *she* expect to? "Now!" yelled Sailor Jupiter. Minako and Eriae both slid to a halt. "Crescent Beam!" they yelled, and twin lances of solid starlight slammed into Eriae from opposing angles. This elicited an odd sound from Velasca, somewhat like CROW: A roasting pig. TOM: Kenny from _South Park_. MIKE: A howler monkey. what one would make if one were gut-punched. She was also pushed back several feet by the golden pincers that struck her. CROW: Hunh. Neat. Velasca roared and threw her arms out to her side. MIKE: Neat! More detachable arms!!! A flash-ring of lightning exploded out from her, slamming into all the sailor senshi, and knocking down everyone but Minako. TOM: Yeah, right. CROW: The contrivances continue... Minako darted forward and leapt into the air, Xena-style, and suddenly hung there for a few seconds as a golden aura flared around her, an aura that spun around her body and then began spiraling outward and forming into a chain of golden heart links. MIKE: WHAT? TOM: Just smile and nod. "Venus Love Me Chain!" she yelled unleashing the chain like a whip as she leapt through the air once more. Velasca had just emerged from the core of the fogbank and was completely unprepared for the sight of Gabrielle leaping at her with a golden chain. CROW: [Velasca] I just can't buy it! The chain slapped into Velasca like a whip. She turned her head and rolled with the force. MIKE: It was her destiny. "When you're dead, I'll take your pretty little chain and hang your dead body by it in my temple!" TOM: [Minako] Wow! *Really*? She laughed haughtily as she threw a right elbow at Minako. The blow connected solidly, knocking the wind out of her and possibly breaking a rib or two. Sailor Venus went flying through the air about ten feet. CROW: You know, I think J.B. Graham *did* write this fic. "I'd kill you now, but we do have a plan, Callisto and I," she said musingly. MIKE: *More* exposition? Crap! The rest of the fog dissipated, leaving the three other senshi picking themselves up off the ground the best they could. Invisible, Ares was watching all this, impressed with Gabrielle's sudden combat prowess. Still, she was fighting a goddess and she was only a sidekick. No matter what-- TOM: ...the cost? His train of thought was broken off by the tremendous fireball that slammed into him. He yelped, more in surprise than pain and raised his hands to banish the flames before his handsome mortal appearance suffered any. CROW: Oh, it's too late for that, bud. *We're* supplying the flames here! In that moment, Callisto leapt out and grabbed at Ares. Or rather, at something on him: his sword. CROW: Oooh...kinky. MIKE: Not *that* sword, Crow! Her eyes blazed whitely as she danced a step back. "No, what?! NO!" shouted the confused Ares. TOM: [Ares] Stay together, cheeks... Callisto grinned. "Too late Ares! I have your sword, and I remember from my time in the underworld how dependent you are on it to focus your powers. Well, now I have a focus, and perhaps some of your power as well!" she chortled. TOM: [Callisto] God, I'm such a b*tch. MIKE: TOM! TOM: Sorry. Ares began to take a step forward, and instantly the sword in her hand moved to block him. He stopped short. Impalement on his sword...might just transfer his full power to her. So he took a step backwards and raised his hands wardingly. CROW: [Ares, groveling] Pleasepleasepleasepleasedon'thurtme... "You know... Zeus has chosen Xena to fight you," he said cooly. "Let her come, I want her to see this!" Callisto bit off each word like a living, struggling thing as she shook his sword in the air. TOM: [Callisto] Parse *this*, She-ra! Velasca was making directly for Princess Serenity, who, at that moment, was being carried by Joxer on his back, trying to run for all he was worth. ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN WAY! And, while the Princess didn't weigh much at all ("She's like a child, so light..." he thought to himself), MIKE: Aw, come on!! That's just wrong!!! CROW: Joxer must be related to Michael Jackson. navigating the ruins of Hellespont was tricky. Velasca gathered a thunderbolt and threw it at them. Joxer apparently felt the crackling of static electricity on the back of his neck, because he suddenly turned around and took the bolt right to his chest. He and the Princess went flying. TOM: On Northwest. Velasca closed the distance toward the Princess. "Crescent Beam!" "Supreme Thunder!" voices called out together. A lance of starlight struck her like an arrow from the gods in the middle of her back; along its length surged Zeus' own lightning. CROW: That's pretty painful. MIKE: Like htis story. Despite the combined blast striking home, Velasca merely grunted and moved perhaps 3 inches, but otherwise showed no ill effects. TOM: Don't you just *hate* it when that happens? "I will take your staff, and with it, my powers will be even greater," she said happily. "And I will defeat Artemis in a duel and reign forevermore as the Amazons' goddess!" MIKE: Well, she's got *her* priorities in order. She raised her hands and an arc of lightning joined them. She stepped forward with excruciating slowness, while Joxer and Serenity could do nothing but grab ahold of each other for reassurance. CROW: [Joxer] I don't mind telling you...my pants are full! "Dead Scream!!" ...a ringed sphere of magenta light came out of nowhere and struck Velasca from the side, in the right arm. She screamed in real pain as forces beyond her comprehension blasted her right arm. Velasca gaped in horror. All eyes turned in the direction the blast had come from. TOM: ...the horror...the horror... A tall woman with long dark hair stepped forward wearing an outfit similar to Minako's, but black and white and with a deep red bow. MIKE: Let me guess...Xena? She bore a key-like staff in one hand, though Minako immediately noticed it was missing the top piece. And then she blinked again as she got a good look. "Masaka!" yelped Artemis from somewhere nearby. CROW: Who? "Meiou Setsuna!" exclaimed Minako, absolutely awestruck at the person she saw before her. TOM: What in the sam scratch...? The woman approaching them blinked in surprise at the sight of Minako dressed so much like her. She obviously did not recognize her. Her gaze moved on to Velasca, who was cradling her injured arm and panicking as she tried to get the injury to heal--to no avail. Though she had the power of a goddess, Velasca's scope of comprehension was still limited to just a little more than she had known as an Amazon warrior. MIKE: [nods dumbly] Uh..huh... "An Outer Warrior?" asked Princess Serenity incredulously. "How can one of them have awakened?" She turned to Joxer, who of course, didn't understand a thing about what she was talking. CROW: Neither did we. "The powers of the Outer Warriors are more complex than those of the Inner Protectors. My mother said that only a collusion of two disparate gods could awaken an Outer Warrior!" TOM: [Serenity] My mother has a Ph.D in Greek Mythology!! "Oh yeah?" said Joxer. "Like who?" Serenity thought about it for a minute. "Like Sailor Neptune, who like the sea will be both beautiful and serene one moment, and incredibly violent and destructive the next. In order for her to awaken, not only Poseidon is needed...but Athena as well!" MIKE: And...? Joxer blinked. "They hate each other! They'd never cooperate! Oh, I get your point." He turned to look back at the tall woman with... greenish-black hair walking forward. TOM: Ewwwwwwwww!! "I am Moment, formerly of Hellespont; chosen by the King of Darkness, I am the warrior of Revolution, Sailor Pluto!" she said. CROW: [Moment] Get me! I was just an ignorant peasant, and now I'm livin' large! Ain't that something? "Feel the power of the time winds, murderess! Dead Scream!" she yelled, her voice echoing in the air as she hurled another blast of light from her staff. MIKE: Wow. So Nightman actually hasn't done the predictable and had Xena kill the bad guys. TOM: It's not done yet. Sailor Venus was surprised. Without the Garnet Orb, the blast sort of slowly welled into existence on the handle of the staff, like thread gathering on a spindle. And it took a few moments to gather its power. CROW: In whih time Velasca and Callisto had ample oppurtunity to smite her ass. She shook her head and just stood there gaping as the second blast flew and Velasca screamed in fear and dodged it. She looked around as all the pieces fell into place. "Artemissu," she murmurred, lapsing into Minako's Japanese accent, "her family, they were here when... her name it's a direct translation...!" MIKE: What the hell is he talking about?!! TOM: I don't know, but it's annoying!!! The white cat came up to her side from somewhere. For a white cat, he was pretty stealthy. CROW: At least, that's what Oscar told him. MIKE: Crow!!! "Minako! Snap to attention, the fight is far from over! Callisto's here somewhere!" TOM: Oh, don't forget about Velasca either, dummy! "Hai, Artemissu!" she said. She closed her eyes in fierce concentration and reached for a power very deep within herself; a power she'd only tapped a few other times when she was absolutely, insanely furious. She thought about the Setsuna she ... well, not knew, but was acquainted with. CROW: Uhh...wha? MIKE: This story is getting increasingly confusing. An aloof woman, she'd always thought. TOM: Kinda like Usagi. And why the hell not? She wasn't just the Sailor Pluto from a generation before them. She was the Sailor Pluto and must have been guarding the gate of time for at least two thousand years! Two thousand years of a life devoted only to duty... it was so tragic. MIKE: [sarcastically] Yeah, it really brings a tear to my eye. Tears welled in her eyes, and a golden fire burned in her heart. CROW: [Minako] Ooh...shouldn't have had the wasabe. An almost electrical aura surrounded her and her hair began to rise of its own accord. "Sailor Pluto! Together!" she yelled. TOM: [Velasca, ala Mr. Bill] Oh noooooo!!! The other woman looked at her once, and nodded. Minako noticed that there was one tear coming down her cheek. That did it. She blazed with power. MIKE: So, how does that work? "Crescent Beam...Shower!" she screamed pointing her finger at Velasca and releasing a monster version of her crescent beam which sprayed outward into at least a dozen normal crescent beams. The would-be goddess was thrown against the wreckage of a building and the wall around her perforated. CROW: Man! That's some firepower! "Dead Scream!!" yelled Sailor Pluto, voice nearly raw with heartbreak and righteous fury as a ringed sphere of magenta light blasted Velasca with the timewinds' powers of friction and entropy. CROW: [Velasca] Oh, poopie. Velasca screamed one last, despairing, almost repentant scream, and was blasted into the wreckage of a smithy. The remainder of the building's roof fell onto her. TOM: [Velasca] Oh, what a world, what a world...awww... And all was silent. MIKE: Oh, good. To be continued... ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MIKE: Let's go! It's over!! [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] MIKE: Man, that was painful. TOM: Between Minako's long, windy pontifications and Nightman's useless soliloquies, I can't decide which was more annoying! MIKE: Well, let's review things in the fic and see how annoying they were. Cambot? [CAMBOT displays various sections of text, representing different characters. MIKE: Aphrodite. CROW: Uh, annoying. TOM: I say...pretty annoying. MIKE: Okay, um...Joxer. CROW: *Very* annoying. TOM: Kill the bastard. MIKE: Tom...well, how about Xena. CROW: Slightly annoying. Slightly. TOM: Yeah...I'll go with that. MIKE: Allright...what about Minako/Gabrielle? CROW: Not really annoying. TOM: Are you kidding? She was one of the *most* annoying characters! All she did was bore us with her long-winded asinine random musings!! CROW: Yeah, but she didn't sing songs all day like Joxer. TOM: That has nothing to do with it! How can you say Minako wasn't annoying? CROW: Well, I can because she wasn't. TOM: Oh, I see. You're a FANBOY! CROW: Oh, yeah. *you're* one to talk, Mr. Power Ranger boy! TOM: Why, you... [lunges at CROW] MIKE: Guys, calm down. [red MADs light flashes] [Some Planet] PEARL: So, Nelson, you survived this one. But mark my words, you're goin' down, buddy! Call it Deep Hurting II. I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out... BWAH, HAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!! OBSERVER & BOBO (chiming in): BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! [fade to credits, as PEARL and OBSERVER stop laughing. BOBO continues laughing over credits.] MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS fanfic "written" by NIGHTMAN Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Xena belongs to somebody, maybe Paramount. Sailor Moon, of course, belongs to DIC and some people over in Japan somewhere. This MiSTing is a work of fiction based upon another work of fiction. Any jokes made are not intended as insults to Nightman. Really, his story is not all that bad. Go to the site listed below and see it un-MSTed! ---- [BOBO is still laughing. PEARL hits him.] PEARL: [angrily] Can it, Bobo! BOBO [sheepishly] Uh...sorry, Lawgiver. ---- No infringement is intended or should be implied. I'm not in this for money, I'm in it for the kicks. Aphrodite scowled and put her fists on her hips. "That old buzzard! Like, I can't believe what a mess he just dropped into my lap!! Keep circulating the fics 4 December 1997 You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/