Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! By Nightman MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Part 6 [Roll Season 8 Theme] [Winged Microbus of Doom] [PEARL, BOBO, and OBSERVER are laughing with wicked glee.] PEARL: Oh, boy...lookie what I found here!!! This will certainly fry Mike and his little friends for sure. Wake them up NOW!!! OBSERVER: Right. [concentrates for a moment.] [SoL] [MIKE, CROW, and TOM suddenly appear on the bridge.] MIKE: Oh, no!!! Not again!!! TOM: Cripes!!! CROW: Pearl, we *swear* we didn't hear you call!!! [WMoD] PEARL: Oh, this time you guys are just in time...and I've got a little surprise for you!!! So get in the theater!! I think you'll like it!! [SoL] CROW: Wha?...Hey! We're not even ready yet!!! What gives? [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: WE'VE GOT SURPRISE SIGN!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] TOM: [as he is seated] I wonder what it could be... Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?!? Part 10 - Velasca ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! MIKE: No! Say it isn't so!!!! CROW: Please, kill me NOW!!! [breaks down sobbing] A crossover of Xena: Warrior Princess and the Sailor Moon universe What has gone before: TOM: Our sanity. Cast back in time to the Mycenean age of Greece by Chaos incarnate, Aino Minako, Sailor Venus, has grown up as Gabrielle of Poteidaia. MIKE: Courtesy of a contrived plot. Now an hour of crisis has arrived: the renegade goddesses Callisto and Velasca have broken free of their captivity. While Xena descended into Tartarus to claim a weapon of the Titans, Gabrielle encountered the magical cat Artemis, who cured her amnesia. Sailor Venus was reborn just in time to engage the new, renegade goddess Velasca in a brief skirmish. CROW: Well, in a way... The fight broke off suddenly with the appearance of the Sailor Senshi of this era and Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom. Meanwhile, acting on a promise carelessly given to him by Aphrodite, Hades selected his own champion. Princess Serenity, upon seeing the devastation wrecked by Velasca and her accomplice Callisto, MIKE: ...rolled a doobie. pushed her healing powers to the limit in an attempt to save some of the villagers of Hellespont from the touch of death. Callisto, in turn, was outraged at her meddling and formulated a plan to win vengeance for both her and Velasca. TOM: She would put Serenity's hands in warm water while she was asleep. Xena emerged from Tartarus, armed with the Scythe of Chronos --and the knowledge that the cost of two strokes with the Scythe would be her life. Velasca engaged the God-warriors again, and Callisto ambushed Ares while he watched; she successfully stole his sword, and a measure of his powers. Velasca's similar attempt to steal the White Moon Staff from Princess Serenity failed when Hades' champion, the newly-awakened Sailor Pluto, ALL: WOOF!! intervened and saved the Princess. She and Sailor Venus combined their power and blasted Velasca through a building. Finally, the renegade goddess has fallen . . . . CROW: And she can't get up. MIKE: Hopefully. Part 10: VELASCA There was silence over the ruins of Hellespont. "Is she?" asked Eriæ, who was staggering over to where Minako and Sailor Pluto stood. Minako raised her right arm, to warn the younger Sailor Venus back. TOM: [Minako] Do not bring your evil here. The rubble shifted. Then it exploded upwards as a shaft of lightning arced up into the air. Velasca shot up it and hung suspended in the air ten feet off the ground. CROW: Don't you hate it when that happens? MIKE: So I guess Xena's gonna come back and kill the bad guys after all. Her right arm was hanging at an odd angle, and she looked thoroughly battered and somewhat charred. Even her face looked somewhat singed. Her eyes were wild and white. TOM: She's Ace Ventura!! "I pulled myself out of a spiked pit and crawled back to the Amazons to show them their weakness. I am a goddess now, and you cannot stop me!" she said, her voice echoing like thunder. MIKE: RI-CO-LAAAAA!!! Despite her words, she did look unsteady. Sailor Pluto raised her staff threateningly. "You are not immune to my power; I will see you cast into Tartarus for what you've done to my home!" she said. CROW:[Pluto] I'm gonna sue the pants off of ya!! Velasca made a sweeping gesture with her left arm and cast an arc of lightning at Moment, who hesitated. TOM:[Moment] Sorry...my drawers are locked up...there we go. "Block it!" hissed Sailor Venus; Moment lifted her staff hesitantly. The arc struck it a glancing blow and turned a measure of the power away. The rest slammed into the young warrior and slapped her aside and into wreckage of a large house. MIKE: Here we go again. Sailor Venus seethed. Golden light crawled across her skin and gathered to her face. She raised her right hand to her lips, making the gesture of blowing a kiss. CROW: Oh. That would explain a lot, then. MIKE: Watch it, Crow. "Love and Beauty ... SHOCK!!" she announced as she gathered the energy into her hand and flung it at Velasca. The attack took on the form of a golden heart, scintillating with golden beams of light. Velasca was surprised and the shock struck her square on. She screamed as the power ran through her. "What is this power?!?!" she cried out in confusion. TOM: [singing] Sexual Healing... "It doesn't matter, 'ally'" said Callisto, who appeared in a blast of steel-gray light, twirling Ares' sword through attack arcs with just the strength of one hand. "So, little Gabrielle, it seems you've done some growing up? CROW: [Minako/Gabrielle] I've been drinking my milk!!! What did you do, save a little ambrosia? It doesn't matter. As soon as Xena is here I will kill you before her very eyes." MIKE: [Callisto] I will kill you until you die from it!!! She laughed, a cold, dead laugh. Fire gathered into her left hand. "Perhaps a few burn scars would be a good start," she mused. TOM: This doesn't look like the "Happy Fun Greek Review" to me!! Her smile widened, a sick and twisted thing, almost like an insane marionette. "I'll kill you this time," she said quietly. CROW: [Callisto] Oh, wait...I have to give you time to pull your weapon out of your butt and blast the crap out of me. Sailor Venus had stood transfixed for several seconds, confusion passing across her face while Callisto postured and threatened. "This is for Perdicus!" she yelled and unleashed a golden blast at Callisto, surprising her by not yelling out her attack first. MIKE: Yeah, it surprised us too. TOM: Uhhhh... The golden light splashed towards Callisto's face and she reflexively brought up Ares' sword to block. The gold solidified into a Love Chain and wrapped around the sword. Sailor Venus yanked for all she was worth CROW: Oooh...kin- MIKE: No, Crow. and Callisto let out a startled exclamation. A moment later, Sailor Jupiter grabbed ahold of the chain and wrapped her arm around it. Melissa was strong, and her addition showed. TOM: [Jupiter, southern] My mama to' me I'd be goood with rith-mo-tick!!! Sailor Mercury started running over to them. "Enough! Away with you!" screeched Callisto. She brandished the entwined sword and the chain snapped and went flying back into Melissa and Minako. There was a crunching sound as it hit Melissa and the Spartan gritted her teeth at the pain. She and Minako flew through the air. MIKE: On ValuJet. TOM: Good, maybe they'll crash into a swamp. MIKE: Tom...relax. "MIST SPRAY!" screamed Sailor Mercury, weaving an obscuring cloud between the goddesses and the sailor warriors. CROW: You'd think the folks up in the Moon Kingdom would think of maybe making Mercury's attack a little more powerful... Sailor Mercury joined both Sailors Venus and Sailor Jupiter. "Good timing, Mercury!" said Minako. TOM: [Jupiter] ...to be LATE AS HELL!!! "You're welcome; Jupiter, you're hurt, we've got to get you out of the line of fire! My mist won't stop them long!" MIKE: It's only a matter of time before Xena shows up with the Scythe of Chronos or something. I know it. CROW: I can no longer be surprised. Minako silently cursed the low power levels of these warriors; the Sailor Mercury she knew would have had a decent chance of encasing one of the goddesses in a block of ice. TOM: Well, I don't really know about that. "I'll fight on!" protested Jupiter, who winced and grabbed at her right arm, which was hanging at a funny angle. "You CAN'T!" protested Mercury. "Your arm--!" MIKE: [Jupiter] But I feel fine!! I don't need it!! Minako had been pressing them back as they argued; now she saw that their time was nearly up. CROW: Uhhh...wha? "Mercury! Your fog!" TOM: [Jupiter] Oh, sorry...that was me...ate those hot beans before the fight. "Mist Spr--" A blast of fire roared out of the twilight and burned away the last of the fog. Amica gasped in surprise and aborted her attack. MIKE: Randall Terry rushes to the scene and stages a protest. "Enough of THAT!" said Callisto. Velasca stood slightly behind her, still shook up by the earlier attacks. CROW: [elvis-style singing] All shook up...babe... "BURN!" screeched Callisto. She opened her left hand and a huge swirling fireball launched at them. Minako tensed to throw herself in front of the younger warriors. She figured she had the best chance of taking the hit dead on; besides, Callisto wanted her to suffer--she might hold back on her attack to prolong things. TOM: I wish Callisto could burn this *fanfic*. Just then, Xena's battle cry rang through the deepening twilight and a shrieking, whooshing sound heralded the arrival of her chakram. Callisto was distracted and turned her concentration to Xena; her fireball began to dissipate mid-air, and the chakram ripped through it, weakening it further. MIKE: Aha!! I knew it all the time!! CROW: Is there a chance of this story getting less predictable? TOM: You know, I'm beginning to wish we still had those plot points from Chapter 1. "MIST SPRAY! FREEZING!!" screamed Sailor Mercury, unleashing everything she had. There was a crackling sound as her fog spray hit the unfocused fireball and flash-froze the air. The fireball was neutralized. MIKE: Neat. [yawn] "I ... I did it!" she said in wonder, to herself. "Ah, Xena," said Callisto in a voice of ice-sweet poison. "Just in time to see your little friend burn to death... CROW: [Callisto] And Minako, too. TOM: I don't want to think about what that could mean. JUST LIKE MY VILLAGE!" she screamed as Xena tumbled through the air and landed on the ground near the edge of the clearing. Xena raised her hand to catch her boomeranging chakram. MIKE: Guys! Maybe something neat will happen and the fanfic will get good!! TOM: Mike, what colour is the sky in your world? "This is old ground Callisto. I've confessed my crime in public, your mother's shade nearly spit on you for using her death as a justification for growing up a homicidal bitch; when are you going to get a new line?" CROW: [RuPaul] Sa-shay!! "Mock me if you wish Xena; soon, you will feel the caress of molten fire, the same kiss you sentenced me to! Do you know what it's like to be buried alive in flaming rock? You WILL soon enough!" Again, fire blasted into existence in Callisto's free hand. MIKE: [Xena] Hey, Nightman!!! How about another contrivance, eh? "Ares' sword?" Xena said to herself as she noticed Callisto's prize. That was...worrisome. TOM: [Xena] Stay together, cheeks... Meanwhile, Mercury and the two Venuses had helped the badly injured Jupiter to the side of the field. "Minako, take ... take my sword!" she ground out. Minako's eyes widened in surprise; the other two sailor-warriors gasped. MIKE: Well? Well? What's the problem??? "Melissa..." began Amica. CROW: [Amica] Will you marry me? "Take it!" Jupiter fumed. MIKE: Hey! This is a no-smoking establishment!!! "I know you're worthy. You lead them in your time, don't you?" ALL: NO!!!! She turned to let Minako have access at her sword's scabbard. "Well, I have," Minako answered as she reached out and took the leader's sword. At her touch, it flashed with light TOM: And shocked the living hell out of her, the end. MIKE: Dare to dream... and an orange aurora crackled around it. The twin golden oak leaves that formed the hilt guard blurred; the sword's outline blurred; in a moment, it was normal again, CROW: Define *normal* in this fanfic. [MIKE and TOM just sit there, mouths open.] but now the hilt guard was a crescent. All of the sailor warriors' eyes widened in surprise. "It CHANGES, I didn't know that!" she said more to herself than the others. "I'm going to help my friend Xena. Eriæ, if you get the chance to snipe, do so; TOM: [Minako] But I think you need to find a clock tower of a university for that, I guess. Amica, get Jupiter to the princess. Maybe she has enough strength to heal the wound. MIKE: She has to. Otherwise the whole plot collapses in on itself. CROW: It's amazing that the time-space continuum hasn't collapsed upon itself yet. If not, get her away. Damn Ares! We NEED Sailor Mars! We could combine our powers..." She darted forward. Moment was picking herself up out of the rubble. "Sailor Pluto! Are you up to attacking?" TOM: [Pluto] Well, actually, I have a doctor's appointment, have to take care of my Virtual Pet, replaster my ceilings... Moment hesitated and then nodded strongly. "Yes!" "Alright, your powers scare Velasca at least. Fling Dead Scream at them MIKE: So Velasca is more than one person? CROW: My head is hurting, Mike. But at least the fic can't possibly get worse. from here, where you can dive for cover if you're attacked. Can you spin a baton? A quarterstaff?" Sailor Pluto shook her head. "Darn! TOM: [Pluto] Poopie!! you could block a typical attack with your staff that way. Well, try it if you're cornered. Now, I need covering fire." "I'm with you, Sailor Venus!" said the Outer Senshi. She stepped forward. CROW: Sailor Pluto...Moment...Venus....Minako...Gabrielle...Amica...Mercury... Nightman, can you please PICK A NAME AND STICK WITH IT???? MIKE: Crow, you'll overload. Just smile and nod. Think lobotomy. "DEAD SCREAM!!" The sphere of power sailed through the air, forcing Callisto and Velasca to shift their positions and holding them off from Xena a few moments longer. A blast from Eriæ added to to the mayhem. TOM: Uh, huh. Yeah? Sailor Venus dashed forward several steps and then launched herself through the air in a Xena-style leap. "Sailor VEEEEEE!" She gleefully cried as she flew. CROW: NO!!! NO!!!! She CANNOT Be SAILOR V!! NOOOOOOO!!!! MIKE, he's destroying the continuity...!! MIKE: Crow, stop...please!!! CROW: IT'S TOOO MUUUUUUUCCCHHHH!!! AAAARRARARARARRARRRRGGGHHH!!! THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BLOODY STORY!!!! [CROW's head explodes] TOM: MIIIIKKKEEE!!! I'm dying here!! [sobs] It's too painful! This fic is draining my will to live! It's overloading my logic sensors!!! MIKE: Hang in there, Tom!!! We'll make it!! GYPSY!! Crow needs help!!! [GYPSY comes in, picks up CROW with her mouth, and removes him from theater.] Both Callisto and Xena noticed the move. Velasca was paying attention to neither. She was still focusing on her arm and trying to restore it to normal functionality and dodging another of Moment's Dead Screams. She was slowly regenerating the limb. TOM: [Callisto] What's the problem, Miss *Limpy*? Ha!! Sailor Venus landed beside Xena, about ten feet away from her and about twenty from Callisto. She brandished the Crescent Moon Sword menacingly. Xena's eyes nearly popped out of her head. MIKE: Xena's a Fraggle!! "Gabrielle! How? That OUTFIT? TOM: [Xena] Have you no DIGNITY? What is...?" "Not NOW Xena!" Sailor Venus urged. "Callisto! You've killed half this town for your own selfish amusement! MIKE: [Callisto] That doesn't make me a loony!! Stop it! I'm not a loony!! The powers of the gods are not to be used for wanton destruction. You're a mass-murderer without a repentant shred in your heart and for that I can't forgive you! In place of ... well, Aphrodite, actually, I am Sailor Venus!" TOM: *SMARM-GIRL*...AWAY!!! She raised the longsword over her head and it began to glow. "Crescent Beam, METEOR SHOWER!" she cried out; a beam of starlight lanced up the blade and into the night sky, where it exploded like a star and sent a myriad of rays falling back toward the earth. Callisto raised her hand to shield her eyes from the blinding flare of light overhead. MIKE: Okaaaaayy... In a moment, Xena had the box containing the Scythe out. She opened it, and within was a huge black sickle, almost a dark twin to the Moon Queen's Crescent Moon Wand, but larger. It was about 12" across; the crescent was a circle 3/4 complete, with the handle not being quite at the bottom of the arc. Thus, the top of the scythe was a huge cutting blade, while the bottom made a minimal hilt guard. TOM: It's a table saw, then? Xena charged Callisto. Callisto grinned and at the last second, sidestepped with godly speed, saying, "look out Velasca!" in a laughing tone. MIKE: You know what, Tom? ALL of these people are very annoying now. TOM: [Aphrodite] Oh, and when did you wake up and smell the capuccino? MIKE: Don't make me hurt you, Tom. Velasca shrieked as she saw Xena bearing down on her with that great, black ... THING. It was too much for her. Power exploded and Velasca turned herself into a lightning bolt and shot away from the warrior princess. TOM: Some other stuff happened too. She traveled the distance to the forest in the blink of an eye, hit a tree, and reformed her human seeming. She was a bit woozy, but she immediately noticed that had reflexively reformed her body in an uninjured state--her instinct had healed the wound her conscious mind could not. She laughed at the irony of it. MIKE:[Velasca] I thought all the contrivances were for Minako and Xena!! "Pain first, death second!" screeched Callisto. She transformed into a pillar of flame and vanished. TOM: Oh, good. "What the Hades was THAT?!?!" yelled Xena, pointing at Gabrielle/Minako's sword. Minako looked at her as if she threw energy blasts every day, shrugged, made a sheathing motion with the sword, and released it. The sword vanished into thin air. MIKE: So, all of a sudden, Minako is all powerful. Okay, Nightman. "What was what?" she said, grinning. TOM: Gahhh...geehhh... MIKE: Not you too, Tom!! Please, don't overload!! TOM: Oooh...aaahhh....Man! Those inertia dampers really work, Mike! MIKE: WHEW!! "Gabrielle, you -- you ARE Gabrielle, aren't you?" Xena asked, unsure. TOM: I have the distinct feeling that this story is going to collapse upon itself any moment now. Across the battlefield, Joxer helped Princess Serenity to stand and walk. "Who is that?" she asked Joxer. MIKE: [Joxer] Hi! It's me, Joxer! Last time you saw me, my pants were full!! "That? It's XENA!" he said. "Is she also a champion of justice?" the moon princess asked. TOM: Yeah, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Skip it. "She ... well, a long time ago, Xena was an evil warlord. But she saw the error of her ways and became good. I understand that Hercules helped set her on the path of right," he answered. MIKE: Wow! So Xena is a reformed crook! That changes my whole opinion of her!! TOM: Really? MIKE: Yeah, she's slighly less annoying in this story now. "I see," Serenity answered. "And do you know why she's here?" TOM: [Joxer] Nightman likes her, I guess. "Gabrielle, er, Sailor Venus, is her travelling companion. TOM: [Joxer] IfyaknowwhatImean!!! She's been helping her keep from backsliding into her old, dark ways. That blond woman, Callisto, blames Xena for the destruction of her village when she was a little girl; it's made her crazy. She doesn't feel anything, except she enjoys causing pain. Callisto doesn't care who she hurts. She just wants to see Xena suffer. She killed Gabrielle's husband just so that Gabrielle would be consumed with rage and try to kill her in anger, corrupting her--because she knew that seeing Gabrielle lose her innocence would hurt Xena more than just killing her. She's the most evil thing I've ever met," he finished. MIKE: Thanks for the exposition, Joxer. TOM: Hopefully he won't start singing again. [Offscreen, a clank is heard.] GYPSY: In ya go!! [drops a rebuilt CROW back into his seat.] MIKE: Thanks, Gypsy!! CROW: Oh, MIKE! How much did I miss? Why didn't you just let me die? MIKE: Well, if we all wish hard enough, it just might go away!! CROW: Fanfic go away! Fanfic go away!! Fanfic go away!! TOM: Uh, didn't work. CROW: Crap. Serenity shook her head. TOM: Getting a Large Straight. MIKE: Here we go with the dice again. "Joxer, in your opinion, Xena is good, then?" "Yes! She's tough, and she can be nasty, but she's good. I believe that. Why?" CROW: [Joxer] I wonder if she might go out with me. "Help me to her. I have to talk to her about that ... _weapon_ she's got. She has to know the price." Joxer's eyes rather bugged out at this comment, but he said nothing as he helped Princess Serenity work her way toward Gabrielle and Xena. TOM: This fanfic is like a house of cards...one more plothole could bring the whole thing down. Meanwhile, Gabrielle answered Xena's question. "Yes, it's me alright Xena but ... more of me." CROW: [Xena] Aha! You've been using my bust creme without permission! MIKE: CROW!!! Xena nodded for her to continue, her attention rapt. "A long time ago, in a far away land--" MIKE: ...the rebellion...ah, skip it. "Gabrielle," Xena interrupted, "No offense, but, is this going to be one of your LONG stories?" TOM: Thank you, Xena! CROW: Way to shut that dumb ditz up!! She smiled and shook her head. "No, it's pretty simple. ALL: ARRRRRGGHGHGHHH!!! MIKE: Where's Dr. Kevorkian when you need him? CROW: Dead, like everyone else on Earth. MIKE: Lucky man. Somewhere else, I was a warrior, with magical attack powers. I was banished here, TOM: [Xena] 'Cause I kept putting tacks in the teacher's seat. to this place and time, and my memories were sealed away. I grew up as Gabrielle, but I was someone else, someone ... fairly similar CROW: Yeah, similar in Nightman's own little mind!! ... first. Now, I've remembered who I really am, and now there's more of me." She paused and looked very sad, wistful even. "I'm sorry Xena, but I'm not the old me anymore. I'm the older me who's the new me, see?" MIKE: Uh...wha?... Xena blinked. She didn't understand this. TOM: Join the club. It was too much, too soon, and too confusing. But, she knew what her heart told her; and she knew what Gabrielle would have said, to follow her heart. A glimmer of a tear sprang to her eyes. This woman was not the innocent Gabrielle had been. She was a seasoned fighter; she had probably killed. CROW: Wow! So Xena killed Gabrielle already!! MIKE: I wonder what will happen when the paradox hits. Xena was sure of it. She moved like someone who had looked death in the eye in close combat before. "So, you're a bard, an Amazon princess, and now a warrior. Does this mean I have to get a new sidekick?" TOM: Hah, hah, such devotion. CROW: Kill her. Minako laughed. "No Xena, we--" she broke off. "Actually, I'm not sure if I can stay with you after this," she said soberly. "I'd like to." ALL: AWWWWWWWWWW...ptooie!! Xena lunged forward. The two friends embraced, wordlessly. Minako felt Xena's strength flowing into her, supporting her. Even now that she was a senshi, part of her felt like Xena could protect her. MIKE: You know, this has powerful asexual overtones. "Do I still call you Gabrielle?" Xena asked quietly, not quite choked up. TOM: [Minako]Oh. Let me complete the thought. CROW: [Xena] GAG!! HAWK!! "Sure, or you can call me Minako, or Sailor Venus..." She broke the hold. "OH! My allies, the Sailor Senshi! You've got to meet them!" She gestured across the battlefield. Joxer and Princess Serenity were visible. The other Sailor Venus was talking to Sailor Pluto. Mercury and Jupiter were coming out from behind a wall. "That's the princess of the moon, and her guardians," Minako explained. MIKE: Um, aren't Callisto and Velasca still around? Can't the annoying reunion wait? "The MOON?" asked Xena incredulously. "I've never heard of a realm on the moon. Who's the ruler?" "The Titan Selene!" she enthused. CROW: Kill her NOWWW!!! I hate her guts!!! "Oh. My. Say, that other girl has an outfit in colors like yours." Xena pointed at Eriæ. MIKE: [Xena] She has absolutely NO fashion sense!!! "We're both 'a' Sailor Venus. There's only supposed to be one warrior for each planet that's linked to a god, but I'm from ... far in the future. I'm also more experienced and powerful than these novice warriors." TOM: [Jupiter, Amica, & Eriae]Why, you ungrateful little b*tch!! MIKE: Tom!! CROW: Actually, I wouldn't blame them. She nodded at the senshi as they converged on them. "But, they're very brave," she said quietly, with great pride in her voice. TOM: [Minako] But I'm still better than them! Nyah-nyah!! "That was Ares' sword Callisto had?" "It appears so. I think she stole it." MIKE: Oh, *really*? "That makes things trickier. I need to hit her with a clean blow from this thing," said Xena. "Minako-chan!" yelled Artemis, bounding into Venus' arms. ALL: AAAAAHHH!! CROW: Warn us when you're gonna enter a scene!! Xena nearly dropped the Scythe of Chronos in surprise. "Gabrielle, did that ... cat ... just talk?" TOM: [Xena] I've got to stop eating those gray berries. Minako scratched Artemis behind the ears. "Why, yes he did. Artemis, meet Xena, Xena, meet Artemis (no relation to the goddess of the same name). You two are my closest friends and trainers!" MIKE: *Trainers*? TOM: That would explain Minako becoming such a b*tch. MIKE: Tom, you're this close to an appointment with a bar of soap. "You can talk! And what's that funny crescent mark on your head?" she asked, bending over the cat. CROW: [Artemis] Oh, I'm a Moonie. "You can see my mark? How odd! Usually only people strongly tied to the moon notice it. Do you worship the moon goddess?" Xena shook her head. TOM: Getting a four. MIKE: [shrugs and sighs] TOM: Oh, bite me! It's fun!! "No, I'd say Athena was my patron if anyone." "Hmm. Well, anyway, thank you VERY much for guarding Minako while she didn't have her memories. If there's anything I can ever do for you, it's yours!" CROW: [Xena] Well, I'm having a little problem with a pesky sore... MIKE: CROW!!!!! NO V.D. JOKES!!! Xena smiled. "Help her to be happy," she said. Artemis looked very puzzled. "Sure, of course I'd want the best for her, she's like my own daughter!" MIKE: [Minako] Oh! That's why I keep coughing up hairballs all the time! Xena looked up at Sailor Jupiter. "You look like your shoulder's dislocated. Want me to fix it?" "You're a healer too?" asked Sailor Mercury in surprise. CROW: [Xena] Yup. Sexual healing. "I have many skills," Xena purred. TOM: OH, NO!!! Everyone's tunring into a cat! Time and space are collapsing around us! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! [MIKE smacks Tom on the back of the head] TOM: Ooof...whew...ooh!! MIKE: Okay, Tom? TOM: Yeah, I'm gonna be OK. Minako was unable to resist the temptation to mouth the words at the same time. CROW: Huh? She had to have heard that line almost as many times as "Oshoki yo!" out of Usagi's mouth. That thought alone set her grinning. MIKE: So, for us non-Japanese inclined, what the sam scratch does that mean? Xena examined the shoulder and arm. "Hmm, looks like a clean dislocation, no breakage," she commented. Jupiter nodded in understanding. "Are you a Spartan?" she asked. TOM: No. I get that all the time. Actually, I'm a snarf. "Why, yes, I'm from a small village ca--ARGH!" broke off Melissa. As she was distracted by the question, Xena simply wrenched the arm back into place. CROW: Man! That's almost as painful as this fanfic! It was what was needed to be done, but the pain still shocked her. She paled, gasped, gritted her teeth, and nodded once in appreciation. Xena nodded back. MIKE: [Xena] Ya! We have no girly-girl women here!! "That's a bad cut," she idly commented to the younger Sailor Venus. Eriæ blanched at the suggestion of care from Xena's hands. She pulled her left arm closer to her body. She'd improvised a bit of a bandage from the hem of her toga-like uniform, but there was obvious red leaking out. TOM: [Eriae] Note to myelf, always carry my pens *right-side up*. "I can sew that up for you. And it won't hurt much," she said, grinning. She put her first two fingers of each hand together. "I can suppress your pain by striking pressure points in your arms, then sew it. It needs to be closed." CROW: [Xena] I'm board certified, you know. "A healer as well as a warrior? That is indeed, a rare dichotomy," MIKE: Like a crossover which has a good plot. said Princess Serenity. Xena, sensing something noble about her, gracefully inclined her head. "But unneeded." She put her hand on Eriæ's arm, but Sailor Venus stepped back. TOM: Uhh, why? "No, highness. Save your power. Let Xena sew the wound; you can heal me later." CROW: WE need the healing! Give us some!!! Serenity and Jupiter blinked in surprise. Pluto and Mercury were prowling around the little group, keeping an eye out for the renegade goddesses. The night had fallen completely, TOM: Crushing everybody below, the end. but the full moon gave them light to see by. In fact, the night sky seemed ablaze with more stars than usual. MIKE: Why do I feel that there's a song coming on? Serenity and Xena locked gazes for several moments. Serenity's blue eyes opened wide and the pupil shrank, CROW: {serenity] I've got glaucoma!! as if she was gazing on some far distant vista. Xena whitened, but did not break eye contact. Several moments passed. Serenity smiled, and broke contact. "Xena, you must know this--" TOM: [Serenity] I'm pregnant!! "I know everything I need to know!" she insisted, cutting off the princess and glancing nervously at Gabrielle. "The scythe will cost you your life!!" insisted the princess. ALL: WOOHOOO!! MIKE: That would mean that the fanfic would end!! ALL: DO IT!!! DO IT!!! DO IT!!! "What!?!!?" exclaimed Minako. Xena smiled and tossed her head a bit. "Persephone said that using it would shorten my life, but someone has to so ...!" CROW: [Xena] I think *you* should do it, Minako. Minako was aghast. "I'll do it! I've lived a longer life than you, you have so much more good to do!" TOM: Yeah, sure. "No, YOU have more potential for good! Gabrielle...!" "Sailor Venus! Super Sailor Venus, actually!" she replied indignantly. The four Mycenean Senshi mouthed the adjective and looked at each other in puzzlement, the trio of guards in one group, Pluto hesitant to join them. MIKE: What the hell is going on? TOM: I haven't the foggiest. "Why are you so determined to do this? Is it because Callisto is doing this to get to you?" asked Serenity. "I'm doing this because I'm responsible for all this," said Xena strongly. "Xena, you can't blame yourself for everything Callisto does!" CROW: I don't care, just as long as you end this fanfic!! protested Minako. "Yes, you were an influence on her, but she chose the path she took!" MIKE: [Minako] Don't you understand? *She's* the loony!! Xena shook her head. "It's not that. I died, princess. My spirit wasn't content, and I got Gabrielle to bring a taste of ambrosia to my body, and reunited my spirit with it. But because of that, Velasca got some. TOM: Kill them ALL! Just end the fanfic!! And because of that, we released Callisto from her imprisonment in an attempt to use her against Velasca--she already had a taste of the golden apples of the Hesperides, so she was immortal but not a goddess; then she got ambrosia from Velasca. CROW: [Xena] It's MY fault!! I'm the jerk!! End the fanfic!! I sealed them away but," she gestured around the village. "Don't you see?" she said turning back to the assembled group. "It was my greed for life that brought on this devastation! If my life can help stop this, then so be it. I don't believe that it's enough to balance the scales, but it's all I have to offer." MIKE: [sarcastically] Aww, what a poignant moment. TOM: This is seeming more and more like a cancelled soap opera. "No, Xena, you can do more good if you live--" began Minako. "Gabrielle, with these two loose the debt just keeps piling up! I have to stop this cycle now!" CROW: Just pull the plug and put another quarter in the dryer. Princess Serenity's face hardened. TOM: Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! Guest starring Linda Evans as Serenity. "This is a great debt you're taking on. I'm not sure if I agree with your culpability or not but--" MIKE: Whatever! Just let her buy it!! Joxer butted in, "Guys! I think that fireball means they're back!" CROW: That Joxer. That quick wit of his. I just love it!! TOM: Mike, will I ever know happiness again? Everyone looked up and saw what he was talking about. "Joxer!" Yelled Minako. "I know, I know, guard the princess." CROW: [Joxer] Blah, blah, blah. Minako picked up a nearby piece of cooking pot, tossed it in the air and hit it with a mini-crescent beam. The result was a bell-like chiming sound. MIKE: *RIVETING*BELL*RINGING*ACTION*!!! Joxer shivered and was transformed again. "My lady! By the power of Aphrodite's spell, I am more fit to guard thee thusly! Let me away with you to safety, for surely such a beautiful and fragile flower is evil's dark desire this day!" TOM: Huh-Zah! He moved forward, very clearly intending on bodily carrying her out of the open area. "Wait!" she said. She took a deep breath. CROW: What? Are they diving or something? On Olympus, Lachesis suddenly jumped back away from the great tapestry, and hissed in surprise. The other two fates looked at her and then bent to read the newest tangling of the threads of destiny. MIKE: And back to the threads... Aphrodite, Hephaestus, and Cupid looked up from the viewing pool at the disruption. "Uh-oh," said Aphrodite. TOM: [Aphrodite] Thar's trouble down below! "Xena, take my staff! It's filled with the power of life. It may preserve you through the coming battle ... or it may blast you for wielding such opposed forces!" she said, shoving her White Moon Staff CROW: ...up-- MIKE: Crow, no. at Xena. "It may only help for a few strokes, CROW: [giggles] I don't know! It's all I can do, I wish there was more!" Xena's eyes widened in surprise at the possible, sudden reprieve. Then again, as the princess indicated, it might just take a couple good whacks to silence Callisto once and for all. It wasn't a reprieve, it was a better chance. She tightened her jaw and nodded once, and reached out for the staff with her left hand. TOM: Allright...and... "Highness, no!" exclaimed Sailor Mercury. A huge ball of fire was falling out of the sky straight for them, flanked by several fist-sized balls of lightning. MIKE: Ouchie... Sailor Jupiter took a deep breath, crossed her arms in front of her and sent up the lightning rod on her tiara. "Guardian Zeus, king of the sky, lend me the power of your mighty shield!" TOM: [Zeus] Hey! That doesn't rhyme! Bite me! Clouds rolled above her in the darkened sky, and the undersides were lit by flashes of lightning. CROW: Maw! Paw! It's a tornada'! Get down in the cellar!! "JUPITER! SUPREME THUNDER!" A stream of lightning poured to the ground, surrounding her in a crackling aura of greenish-whiteness. MIKE: Right... "AEGIS!" she cried out, flinging her arms wide. TOM: ...the hell? A net of lightning rose up at her command, arced in front of her companions and spread wide. Velasca's ball lightning struck it and increased it's charge; Callisto's fireball hit it and was contained, before both lightning wall and fireball collapsed. Jupiter staggered back, winded but proud of her feat. CROW: [harshly] Yeah, good for *you*. "Enough of you!" screamed Velasca, who appeared out of a blast of lightning, grabbed Melissa by the throat with one hand, lifted her a foot off the ground and began trying to snap her neck one-handed. MIKE: [Jupiter] Hey! Who do you think you are? The Kamen Riders? "You're not even an Amazon, how dare you fight me?!?" TOM: [Velasca] I'm choking you?!? CROW: [Velasca] I'm trying to choke you one-handed?!? MIKE: I think Nightman just did a crossover with _Riding With Death_. Xena grabbed the White Moon Staff, leapt through the air, somersaulting, the staff in one hand the scythe in the other. She landed right by Velasca and with one mighty stroke of her arm delivered a death blow. The Scythe's blade seemed to almost cut into the air itself, leaving a livid dark streak in the pale light. CROW: So Nightman actually *has* done the predictable and had Xena kill the bad guys!! All the light bleached out of the air around the trio; all the sound stopped, instantly muffled. Velasca screamed, wordlessly, dropping Sailor Jupiter from fingers gone limp. Polar opposite powers, beyond description as mere lightning, exploded out of the staff and the scythe, blasting Xena with warring darkness and light. TOM: [Xena] Help! I'm being rubbed out by a fatal plot point!! She also screamed without a sound leaving her mouth as the twin forces swirled around her. Her eyes rolled back up into her head CROW: Seeing that's where they *should* be. as she lost feeling in her body under the onslaught of the warring primal forces in her hands. MIKE: [Xena] Oooh...shouldn't have had the tamales. In her mind's eye, she saw something that existed before darkness explode into darkness and light; she saw a ball of swirling lights; visions of a black-cloaked figure with eyes like dying embers and a body like shimmering oil-slick rainbows reaching out to grab the ball of lights. She saw bright spirits in every color of light pouring up out of a vast chasm; she saw seeds of light gathering together in a corner of the darkness and from them huge spheres grew into existence. She saw the gods arise and gather over one blue-white swirled sphere. And she felt at last the source of her own terrible strength. ALL: What? TOM: I don't think I've ever been this lost before. The others saw the aura around Xena become coruscating, then burning bright; but Minako squinted and kept her gaze on her. She saw Xena somehow move her arms and suddenly the scythe and staff which had repelled a moment ago flew together as if pulled by a lodestone. CROW: A *magnet*, for all you laymen. TOM: This Nightman is sure a pedant, isn't he? The Scythe's small handle sank into the socket atop the White Moon Staff with an audible click; then the brightness kept her from seeing anything else, but it seemed as if the Scythe was bending under the blasting energy. MIKE: Okay...go on... Suddenly, it was dark, and Minako was nearly blind with the afterimages. She heard a mournful song, and realized that Xena was singing wordlessly, as she did sometimes when she was moved beyond mere words. Light blasted from the ground and rose up, tracing the outline of Xena's body CROW: *Naked* body. MIKE: We figured you'd point that out, Crow. as the darkness dissipated before the light of the new power that had manifested. Xena turned slowly in the geyser of power, and was glowing with a soft white light; as she turned back toward them, Minako could make out a sigil in purple fire tracing itself, anticlimactically. Minako had seen what had happened to the Moon Staff. She knew what mark was appearing on Xena's forehead. TOM: Three sizes!! "Oh my God!" she said to Artemis. "Xena is Sailor Saturn!" MIKE: Okay, who was surprised by this? CROW: Not me. TOM: Yeah, I didn't really know *which* scout she was going to transform into. I would've thought Mars, but this is close. The cat's eyes bulged wide. "The Senshi of Destruction has awakened!" CROW:[Artemis] Oh, poopie. To be continued! ALL: NOOOOOO!!! Next time, on Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! Xena has awakened as the Senshi of Destruction! But can she stop the psychopathic Callisto without unleashing an even greater devastation? Now that her power has been revealed, what will the gods of Olympus do? And what will the final secret of the Moon Kingdom be? MIKE: Will the story get better? TOM: Will Minako ever shut the bloody hell up? CROW: Will the story turn into a lemon? Be here for the penultimate chapter of Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! TOM: Penultimate? Ehh? I'm looking up that word!! Part Eleven: Callisto! MIKE: Let's get the hell outta here!!! [ALL quickly exit theater]. [SoL-Bridge] MIKE: Okay...that was *really* painful...but we made it, guys!!! TOM: Yeah...let's...let's...party...[groans] Ohhh... CROW: What's wrong, Tom? TOM: I'm too numb to move! I'm frozen stiff! Waaaaahhhhhh!!! MIKE: Relax, I'm sure that we can eventually rest. And, let's try not to get on Pearl's bad side anytime soon. [red MADs light flashes] TOM: Mike, they're calling. MIKE: Oh, right. [hits light] [WMoD] PEARL: Well, Mike, I'm gonna find that last part, and you're gonna suffer! Until then, toodles!!! To be continued? :( This fanfic is the property of Nightman. Any jokes made on it are not intended to cause bodily harm, or insult anybody, okay? However, the story really is pretty interesting, and not all that bad, so I suggest you view it un-MSTed, too! You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/ 14 December 1997 Keep circulating the fics