Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! by Nightman MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Yeah, here I go again!! Well, Nightman's response to me has given me an inspiration to finish MSTing this story of his. Again, no offense is intended, even though a certain person may feel that it is...hint hint. On with the show! [Roll Season 9 Theme] [Unnamed Planet] [After pulling OBSERVER and BOBO out of the pit, PEARL has returned to the Winged Minibus of Doom. She is now searching through the pile of fanfics.] PEARL: I'll get those little turkeys on the Satellite...nobody messes with *my* assistants! [Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door of the WMoD. A thump is heard, and then silence.] PEARL: I wonder who that is? [goes over to the door and finds noone. She then looks down and sees a package.] PEARL: Hmmmm...[opens the package] What? YES!!!! Oh, yes!! [looks above] Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Your'e about to lose your sanity now, Nelson!! HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! [commercials] [Satellite of Love] [MIKE is scolding CROW and TOM about the hologram device.] MIKE: Why did you have to piss Pearl off? She knows that the hologram came up from here!! And furthermore, you didn't even ask to take apart all my stuff!1 Now I don't have a radio or TV!! Why...[red MADs light flashes] CROW: Uh oh...Annie's calling. [WMoD] PEARL: [snidely] Hello, Nelstone...well, since your little robot flunkies decided to pull a little stunt with me, I'm going to have to make you suffer...and the best way to do this is with a fic that you *really* didn't enjoy! [SoL] TOM: Oh no... MIKE: You didn't. CROW: [whimpers] [WMoD] PEARL: YES, twerps!! The newest installment of your favourite series... Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?!....BWAH,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [lightning and thunder accompany in the background] [SoL] ALL: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4... CROW: I'm going to get Pearl for this. ...3,2,*] [SoL Theater] CHAPTER ELEVEN: TOM: The fic is bankrupt...We can go home!! MIKE: No, Tom. CALLISTO "Xena," breathed Minako, still in shock as the light of Xena's transformation faded. MIKE: [Minako] Does this mean that both of our universes will collapse from this improbable contrivance? That would suck!! Minako noted with some amusement that Xena's senshi uniform was basically her regular armor, with the simple addition of a proper sailor collar. TOM: Kill me now. CROW: Tom, it's hardly started. Then again, Minako thought, her outfit WAS vaguely similar in shape to the senshi uniforms she and her friends wore; Xena just had that gold ornamentation where a bow would fit... MIKE: This is not a good sight. CROW: What was your first clue? TOM: Um, wouldn't this mean that now Xena and Gabrielle don't exist in their own reality anymore? So there can't be a show after this? CROW: You're reading too much into this, Tom. where she remembered Hotaru had displayed a soul crystal when she initially awakened as Sailor Saturn. She blinked again. MIKE: Red hot blinkin' action!! Sure enough, Xena did have a bow on her chest now--it was black so she didn't see it at first. And the button in the middle of the bow was a mini-chakram. TOM: Neat!! She's like Red-Eye now. "We have to do something!" yelped Artemis. "She's Sailor Saturn for Serenity's sake! If she sets the Saturn power loose everything could be destroyed!" CROW: [Artemis] And then the story will end...wait a minute. Xena...? "Sailor ... Saturn?" asked Amica, Sailor Mercury, hesitantly. TOM: [Amica] Oh, poopie... "She is the End and the Beginning," began Princess Serenity, coldly. "The Destroyer. She should only awaken on the final day when the time of the Gods on this Earth ends. This is terribly, terribly wrong!" MIKE: I'll say. Xena and Sailor Moon do not make a good crossover. TOM: Is there a such thing as a good crossover? Joxer turned to her. "I trust Xena," he said simply. MIKE: [Joxer] She'll beat me up if I don't! "She's not just Xena anymore," replied Serenity. TOM: [commercial announcer] Xena's not just for breakfast anymore! She began to say something more but broke off as she began to cough. CROW: [Serenity] Any of you got a Halls? She politely turned away from Joxer and covered her mouth with her right hand. MIKE: I don't know, this story seems a little unnecessarily long to me... TOM: Don't worry about it...complaining makes it longer. "Princess, we need to move you aside," said Amica. Serenity nodded her assent. CROW: [Amica] So MOVE!! TOM: You need to stop drinking coffee, Crow. "I don't care what name you go by, Xena--Saturn, whatever," Callisto purred, waving her left hand dismissively. "I really don't care that much about you any more at all; nothing I do gets rid of my pain! MIKE: [Xena] Even Novocain? What I do want is pleasure--the pleasure of killing whoever it was who had the gall to heal--to tamper!--with what Velasca and I did! I will not stand for this, this... favoritism!" CROW: [Callisto] *I* want to be the lead character!! She snapped her hand out suddenly and a lash of blazing fire spiraled out toward Xena. TOM: Think fast! Instinctively, the warrior princess blocked it with the polearm in her hands. The fire completely dissipated at the touch of the Silence Glaive. Both Xena and Callisto looked at the weapon in surprise. CROW: [Callisto] Nightman, get my agent NOW!! Xena smiled wickedly and lifted the weapon. "No!" yelled Sailor Venus as she darted forward and interposed herself. She kept an eye on Callisto as she rested her left hand on Xena's right arm. MIKE: [Xena] Oh, honey...I didn't know you cared. "Xena, don't give in to the temptation to release the power you hold. Unrestrained, it will kill you and quite likely destroy everything! I'm serious, that IS your power as Sailor Saturn!" TOM: [Venus, whiny] Really!! It is!! You've gotta believe me!! Xena's face went blank with shock at Gabrielle's words. She knew that her powers were on a vast scale but she hadn't been sure ... was that really her destiny? To be the destroyer of everything? CROW: [Xena] Oh, great. Now they've made me out to be Wal-Mart. She'd wanted that, once. When she thought the whole world hated her and she wanted nothing more than to hate it back, hate it to pieces MIKE: [Xena] I hate you meeces to pieces!! ... When the mystic, Lao Ma healed her crippled legs, she'd tried to teach Xena she was wrong. That lesson was one she had not learned. TOM: [Xena]Oh, sure...good one, Xena...you just had to pick *that* day to catch mono! Not then. Not from Hercules. From Gabrielle. "Minako" now she said she was. Xena felt a tiny hint of a burning sensation at the corner of her eye, a tear beginning to form. CROW: [Xena] Oww!! Oww!! Visine!! Please!! Somehow, she knew that everything was irrevocably changed already, as unexpected as the thrust of an assassin's knife. Would she give into the pain of loss? Inflict her suffering on others? Or would she bear it and move on? TOM: She'll inflict her suffering on others. It's always easier to do that. Xena stood rooted, lost in thought. MIKE: Spiders and birds began to move in and make her their new home. CROW: Eeesh!! Minako thought she might be struggling to keep the Saturn power in check. TOM: Then she remembered that Xena hadn't taken her Gas-X yet. She looked the angry goddess in the eye. "I'm warning you Callisto, stay back. Just walk away from this fight and go be a normal goddess. You don't want Xena to unleash the Silence!" Venus warned. MIKE: [Venus] You know better than that. We need to get paid here. Don't end the story! Callisto's eyes widened and her expression became greedy, causing Venus to develop a terrible sinking feeling in her stomach. CROW: [Venus] Oh, crap...must have been talking when I should have been thinking... "The Silence? Of ultimate death? To give EVERYONE the sweet gift of oblivion? MIKE: A boot to the head, too? Oh, yes, the peace that would bring. Death to all the Gods, death to the screaming masses, an end to my pain ... I want THAT power!" TOM: [Callisto] Not THAT power...THIS power! she screeched as she took a step forward. Venus pushed Xena back behind her. She had forgotten that Callisto was, basically, a nihilist. CROW: And a really mean girl, too. "You'll have to get through me first," Minako ground out in reply. She reached into the space pocket and drew forth the Captain of the Guard's sword, still with crescents forming the cross guard. MIKE: [Minako] Okay, even though Callisto can kill everyone by ticking off Xena, I think I can take her!! She struck a defensive position and tested the sword's balance. Callisto's face split with a wide grin. TOM: Her brains fell out and tumbled to the floor. "You want to duel me? Oh, this is too funny. Very well!" she stepped forward and struck a blow with Ares' sword, which Sailor Venus blocked. CROW: [yawn] Hey, Callisto...why don't you just smite her! Xena watched, her mouth agape as her gentle friend proceeded to hold her own against Callisto. Of course, moments into it Xena knew that Gabrielle was ultimately outmatched. MIKE: Wait...isn't there Sailor Venus, or "Eriae", and then Minako, not Gabrielle? TOM: Not now there isn't. "Keep your guard higher!" she encouraged, all the while feeling her power shifting and seething inside her. CROW: [Xena] Oh, shouldn't have had the borscht...*BURP* Meanwhile, Amica had shepherded Serenity & Joxer away from the duel. MIKE: [Amica] And later on, I get to trim your wool...teehee! "Joxer, take the princess into the forest and hide with her. I'll cover for you as best as I can." Joxer nodded and helped the faltering moon princess further into the woods. TOM: [Serenity] Hey, that's not a tree branch! MIKE: TOM!! "Mist Spray," Sailor Mercury whispered as she conjured up a fogbank that silently spread along the entire border of the forest. CROW: Unfortunately, the fogbank concealed a precipice which Joxer and Serenity then fell off of, plummeting to their deaths. MIKE: Boy, Crow...that's dark. TOM: Don't steal my scthick! Callisto delivered a contemptuous blow to Sailor Venus' sword and it went flying out of her hands, through the air, and landed with its point embedded into the ground several paces away from Minako. TOM: Now it's the Sword of Omens! "You're not bad Gabrielle, almost like you used to be good at this and just got rusty," Callisto complimented her in a casual, yet mocking, tone. CROW: [Callisto] God, I'm such a b*tch. I love me. MIKE: Crow... "Definitely, more of a fight than I expected." Callisto looked past her at Xena, her smile becoming predatory. MIKE: Uh oh...she's turning into an animal!! Get the rabies shot ready! Minako glanced at Xena, still apparently transfixed by the shock of her awakening. TOM: [Minako] Man!! Did I get plastered last night or something? She turned to look at Callisto squarely. "Mind if I give it another try?" Sailor Venus asked brightly. CROW: [Venus] Please? Pretty please, with sprinkles on top? "Oh, DO, please, be my guest," Callisto said condescendingly. Minako's light expression became deadly serious; she reached out her right hand and the magic sword pulled out of the ground and flew to her. MIKE: Okay...time out...aren't there supposed to be *two* Sailor Venuses? Where's Eriae? Huh? And where's Gabrielle since she reappeared? CROW: Just smile and nod, Mike. "I guess this proves that I've moved on from who I used to be," she said seriously. TOM: The more things change, the more they stay the same. She turned the sword in her hand and grasped the blade with her left hand. The whole of the weapon began to shine with golden light ALL: SHINE!!! Callisto shifted her stance, ready for another surprise energy blast. "I'm not really into swords anymore, Callisto," she called out. MIKE: [Venus] The last one I dated was a real jerk! The golden shape within her hands abruptly became pure light, which twisted and transformed into a long staff, tipped with a crescent at each end, then solidified. CROW: [Xena] Be sure you return that to Staffs R' Us by tomorrow...it's a rental. "Let's try this again!" she called and dashed forward. Callisto's smile vanished. Gabrielle was much better with a staff than a sword. TOM: [hospital p.a.] Calling Dr. Freud...Dr. Freud! Thinking she might be able to slip it past Callisto's guard, Xena grabbed her chakram and flung it at her. The yonic weapon screamed through the air and while Callisto dodged a sweep from Sailor Venus' staff, she slapped the chakram away with her bare left palm. TOM: [Xena] Showoff!! MIKE: You know, evil renegade goddesses are some of the best at multitasking. CROW: Wow! The razor-sharp ring screamed a different note through the air as it sped off toward the forest and vanished into a wall of fog. MIKE: That's not going to hurt Joxer or Serenity? TOM: There could be heads rolling after this one. MIKE & CROW: [groan] "What's that?" she asked as she ducked another sweep and aimed a vicious stab at Sailor Venus' midriff. Minako dodged it by doing a staff-assisted backflip. "What--or who--are you trying to hide behind Mercury's fog powers?" CROW: Where are they? And how does Callisto know someone's in the forest? MIKE: Hush. I don't get replacement parts for your logic sequencers until next Tuesday. Venus landed a cheap shot on her. Callisto coughed once and smirked, "Oh, how miss high and mighty's morals have fallen!" TOM: [Callisto] Even though I'm the villain... Minako launched into a staff kata and pressed her advantage. "It's not my fault if you're not paying attention!" she taunted. Xena shook her head and pursed her lips as if to whistle in appreciation. CROW: [Xena] I'll give her a "reward" later, nudge, nudge...wink, wink! SHE knew exactly what the tactical situation was. The impressive thing was that Gabrielle--Sailor Venus--did as well! MIKE: Yes, she annoyed us as well!! Every second she kept Callisto busy bought the dying princess a moment more ... TOM: ...lengthened this story more. Dying? She knew it, somehow, it was part of her powers. Her powers of death and ... rebirth? She refused to let these overwhelming new sensations distract her. She needed to focus on the most important thing: Gabrielle was fighting Callisto. CROW: Okay, everyone got that? Gabrielle is fighting Callisto. Pay attention, it'll be on the final. TOM: I think it's been established...FOR THE LAST FIVE PARAGRAPHS OR MORE! MIKE: Tom, settle down. And when Callisto was finished toying with her, Xena would need to be ready to intervene. Because if Gabrielle died ... destroying the world sounded like a pretty good backup plan to her. CROW: [Xena] Yes, Gabrielle...I love you enough to kill everyone in the whole world, and destroy the space-time continuum too!! Yes, I do!! In the forest, Xena's chakram screamed toward Joxer and Princess Serenity like an arrow with their names carved on it. MIKE: It's [ominous] Attack of the Killer Pie Tins!! TOM: In theaters now. At the sound, Joxer urged the moon princess to move forward faster, but then he tripped over a root and fell forward, knocking her to the ground and landing partly on her. TOM: [Church Lady] Well, isn't *that* conveeeenient! MIKE: We've relapsed to Chapter 4. She coughed once, a short, bark-like whistling sound. Joxer had actually heard a sound like that before, when a mercenary he'd fought alongside had taken a barbed arrow to the chest and his lung had been ripped open. CROW: [Joxer] But there's nothing to worry about!! She's a marquee character! Xena's chakram sliced into a tree and embedded itself with an audible thud. Joxer looked up to see what was nearly their death as he raised himself off Serenity and rolled to the side. TOM: Okay, now I have to put my hazards on...there we go. "Princess? Princess??" he asked in a worried tone. Serenity pushed herself to a sitting position. Blood, bright from the air, covered her lips, and flecks of it were across her check. ALL: EWWWWWWW!!! CROW: Is Stephen King writing this? Reflexively, she wiped at her chin with her right hand, but its palm was already bloody. Joxer gaped at the sight. Serenity saw this, caught herself, and checked her lips with the back of her left hand. MIKE: [Serenity] Nothing to worry about...I feel fine...I bleed like this all the time! "Oh, I see," she breathed. "This isn't your fault Joxer. I'm dying because of the way I used my power earlier. My body was created on the moon by my mother, and it is too frail to withstand the pulse of Gaea's heartbeat." She coughed again, only she didn't try to stifle it. TOM: [Joxer] Please stifle it...I don't care to feel your bloody phlegm upon my body... CROW: Ick. It sounded very, very painful to Joxer, who could only mutely offer her a clean rag from his pocket to wipe her face and hands on. She smiled at him, appreciatively. He stared at her in awe. MIKE: [Joxer] She's *hot* when she's hemhorraging!! This woman was so brave, she was facing her own death and her only thought was to put his mind at rest. She was dying because she'd used up her magic healing all the people in Hellespont and ... she reminded him of Gabrielle. TOM: What? Long-winded, pointless speeches? But even nobler, and more perfect, if such a thing could be. TOM: If this is going to be a romantic subplot, I'll puke. Serenity shifted, slowly tipping herself to the left, toward the support of the tree Xena's chakram had embedded in. She moved like a feather floating on the wind. You can't do anything more for me Joxer," she said simply. "Go to your friends." CROW: [Serenity] Well...begrudging acquaintances. "I can't leave you alone!" MIKE: You must. "You must," she paused and coughed briefly. MIKE: I'm psychic. TOM: Naw, the melodramatic scene is just predictable. "You must tell_my_friends that there's no point in fighting on to protect me. It's time to return to the Moon Kingdom. They must save themselves for a greater purpose yet to come." CROW: [Serenity] They must save themselves for the obsession of countless fanboys in the future!! "What about Callisto?" TOM: [Joxer] And Scarecrow's brain? "We have done all that we can; her power as a goddess is just too much for us. It is not safe to let Xena use her power to destroy her. In truth, I would like to have my guards fight on to protect the lives of the innocents here but I'm selfish ... MIKE: Here's a plot twist. CROW: Well, she *really* is Usagi's ancestor now! I want to put the lives of my beloved guards above those of many humans I don't know." She paused and drew in several shuddering breaths before continuing in an even weaker voice. "Does that make me evil?" TOM: Evil? No. Unscrupulous? Yes. "No," he said firmly. "That makes you human." She smiled weakly. "Please," she begged him. "Tell them to retreat. And tell Callisto I challenge her." Joxer's jaw dropped. MIKE: [Joxer] A cha-longe? "I will call out to my mother when Callisto strikes me down. The Compact between the Gods & the Moon Kingdom will be broken and Selene will intervene. CROW: [Serenity] Then, Selene will smite everybody in this story. Hasta la vista!! She will destroy Callisto with the power of the Holy Silver Crystal. This is the only thing I can think of, I can't escape my death but I can put it to some good purpose. And my companions will live." TOM: [Serenity] But you, my friend...well...how long can you survive floating around in the vacuum of space? Before your entrails explode from the lack of air pressure? MIKE: Tom...relax. Joxer gulped and stood up; he tucked in and straightened his shirt, and tried to look a little more dignified. "It shall be as you command, my princess," he said in his most serious voice and then turned and marched back out of the forest. CROW: [Joxer] Oh, boy...I wet 'em again!! Back in the ruins of Hellespont, the duel between Sailor Venus and Callisto had continued, with Callisto receiving an unexpected battering at "Gabrielle's" hands. TOM: Uh huh. Yeah. Finally, the game ceased to amuse her and Callisto slapped Sailor Venus away from her by adding a lash of pure force to the swing of Ares' sword. The leader of the senshi went flying at least ten feet and her staff was wrenched from her grasp. MIKE: Smite her now, so we don't have to hear her annoying speeches again!! TOM: [Darth Vader] You seem to have joined the Dark Side, Mike... "Playtime is over!" screeched Callisto as she turned toward Xena. There was a crackle of lightning, and a murmuring rumble of thunder in the background; winds shrieked as Callisto looked around to see the other three senshi in a group, a personal storm swirling around them. ALL: ARRRRGGGHHH!! CROW: Here we go again. The younger Sailor Venus was kneeling; Jupiter and Pluto each had a hand on one of her shoulders and appeared to be drawing the energy of the temporal wind and lightning into themselves. TOM: Are they trying to blow up the multiverses? MIKE: Hey, where did Xena go? Erić had both arms extended, her fingers interlocked and both index fingers pointed out at Callisto. Idly Minako wondered if she was going to throw a "Fire Soul" attack like Rei did. CROW: Then, Callisto, noticing that Minako was lost in thought, ran her through with the Sword of Ares. TOM: Dare to dream... "Dead Scream!" yelled Sailor Pluto on her right. "Supreme Thunder!" yelled Sailor Jupiter on her left. MIKE: Unfortunately, Sailor Slappy was facing in the wrong direction, and blasted Xena. Jupiter's lightning attack streamed into her from the time storm; Pluto's entropic winds swirled around her and down her arm. Both the god-warriors unleashed this power into Venus as she screamed out "Double Crescent Beam -- Smash!" CROW: Plot---Bewilder!!! The twin lances of starlight Erić released blazed with fantastic power and hammered into Callisto with enough force to make her gasp in pain and fling her into the air. Callisto managed to hold onto Ares' sword as she went flying, unfortunately. TOM: But fortunately for us. MIKE: Tom, don't even put your hopes up. We know that Minako is going to win. She struck the ground hard and tumbled several yards. CROW: And Callisto is downed at the 10-yard line...first and goal! Callisto looked dazed when she raised her head from the ground. Xena stepped forward with the Silence Glaive, ready to press the advantage. TOM: I liken this to a poorly played chess match. "Divine Immolation!" screamed Callisto as she launched her most powerful fire blast yet at the exhausted trio. Certain death ascended into the air and arced toward them. Xena dove forward into a standing flip, hampered by the unfamiliar presence of the glaive, and awkwardly tried to shove the trio aside. MIKE: [Xena] geeh...you go here...no, wait...here...oooh...here!! "Silence wall!" yelled Minako desperately. CROW: [Minako] Fetch Usagi and C-ko now!! "Silence ... Wall!" cried Xena, somehow recognizing the purpose of the words. A dome of dark, shimmering essence faded into existence around the quartet as Callisto's blast rained down on them. MIKE: [singing] It's raining energy, oh, lord...it's raining energy... The blow drove Xena to one knee, but she raised the glaive with all the great strength in her arms, and the energy shield held. TOM: [Xena] I hope I don't run out of plot conveniences!! Sailor Mercury helped the elder Venus back to her feet, but gaped helplessly at the sheer power being released by the goddess. CROW: [Mercury] We're screwed, aren't we? Back in the forest, Serenity clung to the tree and looked at the half-ring of metal still visible. Idly, she reached up toward it, but she didn't have the strength to raise herself two inches off the ground. She sagged back against the tree and closed her eyes, and prayed. MIKE: [Serenity] Dear God: Can you find me a better agent? Serenity. /"Mother, can you hear me?"/ she called out. /"Help them, please..."/ TOM: [Serenity] Help me get rid of these slashes!! /"Serenity you are very weak,"/ came the voice of the titan Selene to her mind. /"Have you expended the energy I gave you already?"/ CROW: [Serenity] Aw, Mom!! All you do is nag, nag, nag!! /"Mother, it's all gone horribly wrong! The inner senshi are going to be killed by the mad goddess Callisto! And I've awakend Saturn! and ... and ... I'm dying."/ she cried into the ether. MIKE: I hope it puts her to sleep. There was a long pause that held a sense of astonishment instead of words; then the titan replied /"You were struck a mortal blow?"/ TOM: [Selene, thinking] That insurance policy might come in handy! /"No,"/ Serenity replied. /"Not yet; but I have exhausted my power. The inner senshi are fighting the mad goddess, a woman who got ambrosia and has the will to use her new powers, she's even taken Ares' sword, along with Saturn and Pluto--" CROW: Oooh...Callisto's got a mini-harem going!! MIKE: Crow... /"Pluto?"/ TOM: It's a tiny planet which usually has the outermost orbit of our solar system. MIKE: Not *that* Pluto, Tom. /"She said Hades had awakened her."/ /"So, at last he's sent his daughter to Our service,"/ Selene mused. /"The Gods must be in an uproar."/ CROW: [Selene] They don't like this story either. /"Mother, please, bring my guards home before Callisto kills them!"/ /"I cannot."/ TOM: [Selene] So, basically...piss off! /"You were able to send them on a mission, you should be able to recall them!"/ Serenity protested. MIKE: [makes whining/groveling noises] /"Remember, by the terms of the Compact, my power cannot reach to Earth!"/ her mother admonished. /"In the age after the Gods pass We shall keep watch over the world. You and yours were only able to go to Earth because we honestly believed some godling had tried to steal from Us. CROW: That God complex again. MIKE: [doctor from _Malice_] I AM GOD!!! And Hera was incensed even by that. I can not put forth my power to recall you. But..."/ TOM: [Selene] If we can work out a kickback, maybe I can help you. /"Then please, speak to them, have them return! I sent Joxer (here she sent a clear image of the earnest young man to her mother) CROW: [Selene] Ugh!! You sent that anal-retentive prick? Prepare to DIE!! to tell them to return but I don't think they'll listen! I have a plan to trick Callisto..."/ MIKE: [Serenity] I'll sell her Amway stocks. /"And well they should not return! If Callisto is as you say, 'mad,' do you think she will respect the Compact or will she journey here to Our sanctuary and release all the havoc at her disposal?"/ TOM: [Serenity] You know...that's not a bad idea. I never liked the moon anyway. Serenity gasped aloud at the thought of Callisto's arrogance. She'd do it all right. She felt very nauseous and the night seemed to be growing darker. She realized her plan had too many flaws; it was useless. Selene felt her daughter's thoughts starting to slip away from her and grew alarmed. CROW: [Selene] I'll be damned if I'm going to let Serenity become like Usagi! Here's a book!! /"Serenity! You must fulfill your duties!"/ her thoughts snapped into her daughter's mind like a whip, bringing her to focus. MIKE: [Serenity] Ow!! Did you *have* to do it that way? My brain hurts! In a way, Serenity found it easier to cast her thoughts to the moon high above. She could almost feel the link between her psyche and her body growing weak. She sent a sense of question to her mother; she was too tired to form words. TOM: I wish Nightman was too tired to form words...this fic is in realtime! MIKE: Well, at least he doesn't leave us guessing. Let's take a break. [all exit theater] [commercials] [SoL-Bridge] CROW: Okay, Tom...we're going to get our revenge on Pearl. TOM: How? CROW: Send her this weblink. [TOM finds the e-mail commands on the small computer in front of him, and sends the URL in question to Pearl's e-mail address.] [WMoD] [PEARL is relaxing in the drivers' seat, when suddenly a beep is heard from the onboard computer] PEARL: I wonder who it is...why, I've got e-mail!! Oh, goody!! [PEARL reads the message and then puts the URL into her web browser.] PEARL: Okay, here we go...[face turns pale]...NOOOOO!!! NOT BARNEY RUBBLE NAKED!!! I'M BLIND!!!! [SoL] TOM: Whoo!! Yes!! CROW: Ah, sweet revenge! [lights and klaxon go off] TOM: Fanfic sign, let's go. [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [SoL Theater- Mike is already there] MIKE: What kept you fellas? CROW: Just some unfinished business. High in the night sky, a stream of stardust rose from the moon and danced down like a wavy ribbon. Serenity could not see it in the sky, but when the stardust began to surround her, the clearing was filled with a soft pale starlight. The light gathered into a small glimmering disc hanging in the air before her. CROW: [Serenity] Man, I am so baked. /"There is something you don't know ... about your origin. About your father,"/ Selene said. /"He was of Earth, a human man. TOM: As opposed to an inhuman man. You are only half-titan. You are also half of Earth. And I am allowed to send you something that is yours by right."/ MIKE: *THRILLING* *PLOT* *TWISTS*!!!! TOM: At this point, I can no longer be surprised. The glimmering disc materialized. It was a golden brooch with crescents inset with gems in the colors of the four inner planets around its edge, with a larger lunar crescent surmounting it. CROW: [QVC announcer] This stunning brooch can be all yours for $59.99. Call now. /"Within this We have placed an enchanted prism that will resonate in harmony with the Holy Silver Moon Crystal, and thus allow you to use the latent powers of your own true star seed." (and here an image of the shining crystal of which Selene spoke appeared in Serenity's mind)/ TOM: [Serenity] Um, this is nice...but I'm bleeding here... Serenity gasped and reached out a shaky hand to touch the golden brooch; the stream of stardust immediately faded and it dropped to the ground in front of her. She nearly toppled onto it while reaching for it. /"I don't understand, how can I have a connection to the crystal when it's YOUR..."/ CROW: Don't you *get* it? It's a plot point! /"Don't question me!"/ snapped Selene. MIKE: [Serenity] Okay, okay!! You don't have to jump up my butt! /"There's no time! You are seconds from death! You must hold up the talisman and say the words of power!"/ Selene whispered the words of power into her daughter's mind. TOM: [Selene] The word is "fiddlestickersnickerdiddlydoo". MIKE & CROW: [look at TOM and shake their heads] Serenity was unable to form a response. CROW: [Serenity] Cannot...form...words...processor...error... /"Say them! Say the words!"/ her mother screamed in her mind, her panic helping her daughter to focus on staying conscious a few seconds longer. TOM: [Serenity] Oh, excuse *me*! Like, how coherent would you be if you lost a few litres of blood? Serenity's left hand closed around the golden brooch, while her right grabbed a hold on the rough bark of the tree at her side. Her lungs felt like she was drowning, MIKE: Glub, glub, glub. CROW: That's the end!! Goodbye!! [gets up to leave] MIKE: Not so fast, Crow. it was nearly impossible to draw a breath; her heart was struggling to make each beat, like a wild, frightened bird. TOM: This story dragged on and on, like a John Agar monologue. She tried to heave herself up but managed to rise only a few inches; everything was spinning. Her fingers released the catch on the brooch and it opened to reveal a small clear crystal within. With the remainder of her strength she began to gasp out the words. "moon, prism, power ... make up." CROW: [Serenity] Wonder...twin...powers...activate. MIKE: Come on, Serenity!! With feeling!! TOM: That was cruel, Mike. MIKE: This story is getting to me. Then the crystal exploded with cosmic light and Serenity's body dissolved in it. A pillar of light ascended to the sky. CROW: Wow!! She's beaming up!! TOM: It's a sci-fi crossover now. Mike, can you disconnect my circuits? Meanwhile, Sailor Venus and Sailor Saturn stood back to back inside a ring of fire, each able to fend off the blasts of Callisto but ... for how long? She darted around the battle field like a leaping flame, striking each of them at random with a blow, a blast of fire, or a bolt of force. MIKE: [Venus] Owww!! Owww!! Ouchie!! CROW: Shouldn't they be dead by now? MIKE: No, why would you think that? Joxer had emerged from the woods a few minutes before and Callisto had contemptuously thrown a bolt of force at his head that struck like a stone. TOM: [Joxer] Hey!! Who do you think you are? The LAPD? Currently, Sailor Mercury was running and dodging small fire blasts which Callisto was playfully tossing at her. CROW: [Callisto] Death is fun!! Teehee! "You think we've bought enough time?" asked Minako. MIKE: Well, maybe enough to buy the *farm*. TOM: Don't count on it. "I think so," Xena said in her 'detached' voice. MIKE: [Mrs. Brahms] Oooh!! She's got a detached house, too...eh? "Tell me, is there any other power I can 'safely' manifest?" CROW: [singing] The Power of Love!! "I'm not sure, Hotaru never played around with her power. She almost killed herself once ... OH! Yes, I remember, when we fought Nehelenia she came up with a way to strike the glaive on the ground and released a contained discharge of destruction. Um, what WAS it called, it's been a while...." TOM: [Minako] Gotta clear out my cobwebs... "Silence Glaive Apply!" quipped Artemis, who had just run up to the ring. "Minako-chan! Are you all right???" MIKE: [Artemis] I was hiding...worrying sick about you!! Oh, feldgercarb! "Sure, Xena's reflexively absorbing the flames' heat, no big whoop," she replied, grinning. CROW: Just keep the time-shifting anachronisms coming. "Ready Gabr, er, Minako?" Xena asked. "Oh yeah!" TOM: [Minako] Duh!! I forgot I had to do that!! Xena buried the tip of the glaive into the ring of fire around them and concentrated. The flames died out with a sudden whoosh. MIKE: FWOOOOOOMMMM!!! Callisto froze in place and turned around. Her grin was maniacal. "Are you going to put out the flames consuming the rest of the village that way Xena?" she teased. CROW: [Callisto] Oh, wait...I shouldn't talk that way...I'm about to get rubbed out. Suddenly, Sailors Mercury, Jupiter, and Younger Venus started as if they heard something. The all turned to look at the forest. A pillar of light rose into the sky and faded back, radiant white gold, silver blue, and soft pink. MIKE: Colour clash alert... TOM: All of a sudden, I'm dying to see G-Force for some reason. "Yes!!" yelled Jupiter, nearly jumping for joy. "Princess Serenity's gotten back her strength and teleported to safety! She's escaped from you, you monster!" she howled at Callisto. CROW: [Jupiter] Nyah, nyah!! Bpppttttt!! ["raspberry" noise] Callisto's face contorted with rage. "Escaped? NO! Then you'll suffer in her place!" she pointed her finger and a sharply pointed blast of flame ripped toward Melissa. Moment tackled the surprised girl and the blast just barely missed the two of them. MIKE: Okaaaaaay... Unseen by the others, the core of the pillar still blazed in the clearing. The sign of the crescent moon distinguished itself from the rest of the column of light, and eyes opened in the light stream. Princess Serenity's body began to reform out of the streaming, twisting silver radiance. TOM: [Serenity] I've reformed and am ready to kick some jellied ass!! "Mist Spray Freezing!" howled Amica as she launched her attack from behind Callisto, at nearly point blank range. CROW: Unfortunately, being so close to Callisto, the ice also froze her. MIKE: Ummm...no. Nice try. The renegade goddess was encased in a thin film of blue ice. Sailor Mercury looked quite pleased with herself for a moment, when the ice began to steam and it all suddenly exploded off Callisto. The steam around her was scorching hot. MIKE: [Mercury] Ummm, Queen Selene? Can you give me a more powerful attack next time? Xena took up a position on the far side of the clearing. She concentrated on the power within her, feeling its seamlessness, its strangeness. She gasped slightly and mumbled to herself, "so this is what Lao Ma really meant." CROW: [Xena] You really *can't* take it with you!! As Callisto advanced on Sailor Mercury, the singing sound of the chakram filled the clearing. Callisto rolled her eyes. TOM: Scoring 23 in the chance. "Xena please don't insult me by using that pathetic, useless weapon!" She reached her left hand out and slightly behind her, ready to catch the chakram. At the last minute, she realized the tone it made was a little off, and turned to look. MIKE: Here it comes!! She saw a disk of pure energy--right before it slammed into her hand and discharged, nearly blowing it off. TOM: And Xena will eventually kill all the bad guys...CAN THERE BE ANY SURPRISE?!! CROW: Tom, relax... A figure darted forth from the outskirts of the town, from the direction the blast had come, and then stepped into the light. MIKE: Come to my window, Mina... "Who the Hades are you?" demanded Callisto as the white-haired figure stepped forward. The blood drained from the faces of the Inner Senshi and Minako. TOM: Then, the skin began to peel from their faces, devoid of moisture. MIKE: [gives TOM a few pills] You need a nap. "I am the one you sought to challenge for having compassion for the people of this village. You have embarked on a murderous rampage, and I cannot allow that to continue, or forgive you for it." The figure's speech became CROW: ...incredibly smarmy. more heated as she marched forward into the clearing. "I am the daughter of the Earth and the Moon; the new-born champion of Justice and Healing; the Sailor God-Warrior who draws her strength from the Titan Selene. I am SAILOR MOON! And on behalf of the moon, I shall punish you!" ALL: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! TOM: No, NO, NOOOOOOO!!! [bangs his head on the seat] CROW: Dear God, WHY?!!! "Tsuki ni kawatte, Oshioki yo!" yelped Minako, giggling madly. MIKE: [Serenity/Moon] Stop it!! You're ruining it for me!! Artemis noted to himself that the Princess' outfit was based on Minako's design, and not the more toga-like uniforms her inner senshi wore. He also thought the basic Sailor Moon outfit colors went well with her shining white hair. TOM: Okay, this is just wrong. MIKE: [cries] "What is it with you idiot warrior girls in the short skirts?" Callisto fumed. "You're a bunch of idiots, even if you do have powers. You're the worst! You threw away your only weapon," she gestured with Ares' sword. "You NEVER throw your last weapon away!" CROW: [Callisto] Unless you have the writers on your side...which means that I'm dicked. "Who says it was my last?" asked Sailor Moon. She reached up to her forehead and removed her tiara. The ruby in it began to shine with soft, opalescent light. The tiara flattened in her hand into a perfect ring, except for the glowing jewel set into it. She raised it and prepared to throw. MIKE: Couldn't Nightman just have her say "Moon Tiara Magic?" "Lunar Chakram!" she yelled and flung it at Callisto. As it spun through the air the ring became a disk of light. Callisto dodged. CROW: Spare! Serenity frowned in concentration. The chakram's pitch changed as it banked and came back at Callisto from a different direction. TOM: It's the new RC Chakram!! From Tonka!! "OOoh! I can't do that!" Xena said enviously. "Or can I?" she asked herself. "Hmm. Oh well." She tumbled forward ("I'm getting the hang of flipping with this thing," CROW: I'd flip this *fic* if I could. MIKE: Easy there, Crow. she thought to herself) and with a sweeping wave and a gleeful smile, she slammed the Silence Glaive into the ground. "Silence Glaive Apply!" she roared. TOM: [Xena] Ban!! Roll on!! Black lightning, accompanied by subsonic thunder that everyone felt in their bones instead of in their ears, blasted out from the tip of the Glaive and lashed Callisto. Earth showered up around both Callisto and Xena as the merest touch of the power of Silence carved a yard-deep trench into the ground in a line between them. MIKE: [some guy offscreen] Hey!! Who's messing up my lawn?!! I paid $10,000 for this lot! Callisto screamed as she was wracked by the energies Sailor Saturn unleashed. TOM: [sarcastically] Oh, I thought she was *Xena*. CROW: Switching names again. Sailor Moon gasped as she made the Lunar Chakram bank once more and strike Callisto in her good hand, finally knocking Ares' sword from her grasp. Callisto's screams became louder and her rigid body jerked under the pressure of the energy attack as Xena snarled and leaned on the Glaive a little heavier. MIKE: Must...not...pass...out from run...on sentence... "She's not going down!" said Sailor Moon in disbelief. CROW: Spread some honey down there!! MIKE & TOM: Ugh...Crow!! CROW: Ah, I kill me. Sailor Venus grabbed her hand. "We can't let Xena keep this up, she could slip and unleash her full power! Everyone, gather now!" The topaz in her tiara started to glow; the others ran to her side and looked to her for direction, including Sailor Moon. TOM: Looking to Sailor Moon for direction? They're lost now!! "We're going to combine our powers into one of us and then she's going to hit Callisto with everything we've got left." MIKE: [Venus] That way, we *all* die, and nobody wins! "Yes! Excellent idea Other Sailor Venus!" Sailor Moon said. "Glad you agree, you're the one!" said Minako. Serenity goggled in surprise. TOM: Ehhhh? CROW: Forget it, Tom. "Venus Crystal Power. . ." Minako intoned as she shut her eyes and a golden aura surrounded her and began to settle over Sailor Moon. MIKE: [Sailor Moon] Hey!! Don't put that on me!!! "Mercury Power. . ." "Jupiter Power. . ." "Venus Power. . ." "Pluto Planet Power. . ." TOM: [Oscar] SAIYA-JIN POWER!!! Each of the other senshi followed her example and blue, green, gold and violet auras began to gather. CROW: All in their frosted Lucky Charms!! "Saturn . . . Planet . . . Power . . . " Xena ground out while holding the Glaive Apply attack on Callisto. An indigo aura, so deep it was nearly black added its strength as well. MIKE: Yes...go on... The senshi could feel a celestial harmony singing through Serenity as she bowed her head. Her own senshi hadn't even noticed her tiara had magically reformed on her brow. Now its gem blazed with white-pink light. TOM: It's really kewl!!! CROW: Yeah, right. "Holy . . . Moon . . . Healing . . . Escalation!" she cried out, unleashing a glittering lightstream from between her hands, striking Callisto in the head and engulfing her. The sound and light of her attack swirled together with the silence and darkness of Xena's, and it all exploded into Callisto. MIKE: [Callisto] Noooo!! Where's my agent?!! The goddess screamed a final, near-deafening scream as light beyond the tolerance of sight flashed, lighting up the night from horizon to horizon. Then it faded, and Callisto fell. MIKE: She fell down, down, down... BOTS: Stop, Mike. Sailor Moon and the Inner Senshi collapsed, and even Sailor Pluto sagged in Minako's arms. Though winded, she had been braced for the drain. She looked over and saw that Xena was still standing, and that she supporting her weight on the now upright glaive. TOM: [Xena] Whew, that was tiring...Anyone for lunch? Xena caught her breath and walked over to Callisto's body. She kicked it. ALL: BOOOOO!!! CROW: Xena's gone to the low point here, eh? Callisto rolled over and looked up at Xena. Though beaten, she was still defiant. "Congratulations bitch, you win." MIKE: Callisto must have been John McClane's ancestor. "Now, I get rid of you once and FOR ALL!" exulted Xena suddenly as she raised the Silence Glaive high above her. Her eyes were blank and glowing violet as dark power swirled around her body and indigo ribbons of energy streamed out of the aura that suddenly surrounded the Silence Glaive. Callisto raised her chin, sending a message of hate with her eyes. TOM: And a message of naughty thoughts with her loins. "Xena, no!" said Minako as she staggered over toward her friend. "She's beaten, this is wrong, it's an execution!" Xena's eyes were wild and glowing; she barely turned to acknowledge her friend. Minako planted herself directly in front of Xena. Sailor Moon gasped in fear for her. MIKE: [Sailor Moon] You wouldn't play unfair, would you? "That's exactly what it is," she said in a smug, self-righteous voice, CROW: Therefore, it is appropriate for this fanfic. "an execution! This self-made goddess has overstepped the bounds of anyone's decency and her punishment is eradication! So step aside, Gabrielle ..." her voice became almost threatening. MIKE: She won't do it. Someone will stop her. "Since when have you taken on Nemesis' job as hitwoman of the Gods?" TOM: [Xena] Since *now*, b*tch!! MIKE: Tom! "Don't try to do me any favors, Gabrielle!" hissed Callisto. Minako turned around and smiled sweetly at her. "You're welcome. Shut up. And don't try anything. They're watching you," she said sweetly, nodding at the sailor senshi glaring at her. CROW: The eyes...the horrible eyes... "Gabrielle, she is evil incarnate, don't stop me from *destroying* her!" exclaimed Xena. She was _still_ crackling with power, and Minako continued in a gentle tone. TOM: [Minako] Relax...they guys in the white suits are your friends! "Xena, this is the 'old you' talking. Can't the Gods strip her of her power or imprison her, or _something!_ The woman *is* mentally ill you know. She'd have to be ..." MIKE: ...in order to be a villain!! "I told you not to do me any favors!" screeched Callisto. "I'd rather die than be imprisoned again! My life was taken away from me the moment Xena burned my village to the ground and there's nothing that can bring it back! All I have is pain, and now that I'm immortal, it's unending!" MIKE: Okay, give her ideas...nice one! Xena blinked. "Oh really?" she said. She narrowed her eyes and the forces around her were changed somehow; the light shifted a shade brighter, the swirling changed pitch, but what that meant Minako didn't know. CROW: [Minako] Yea right! Like you expect me to keep tabs on everything in this show! She was aware that Xena was perilously close to unleashing far more of the Saturn power than Minako ever wanted to see. TOM: Tension mounts as people decide whether the end is near!! Briefly she wondered if she could bring herself to fire a crescent beam through her friend's heart before she said "Death Reborn Revolution." Fear clenched her heart as she realized the answer was no. CROW: [Xena] You lose. BWAH,HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Xena inclined the glaive, releasing the swirling ball of energy gathered at its tip. "Silence Glaive -- Surprise!" ALL: Huh? MIKE: Surprise?! TOM: Not exactly a fear-inspiring name, eh? The energy ball lobbed right over Sailor Venus and engulfed Callisto; Minako gasped in shock and spun to look. Swirling ribbons of energy encased Callisto like a cocoon. CROW: [Callisto] Aw, come on here!! What are you doing? Radiance suddenly pulsed from between the strips and the cocoon shrank; it spun in place for a moment, then emitted a blast of bright indigo and violet light, and shrank again. MIKE: Never doubted it for a sec. Xena nodded, a smug look on her face. The Saturn power was fading back down. The sailors looked on in surprise and horror. The sphere of energy collapsed in on itself and faded completely. TOM: And so ends the easily resolved conflict. CROW: Uhhhhhh? There was a small, gold-haired baby laying on the ground. She began to cry. "There you are Callisto. You get a second chance. That's more than some of us can say," Xena said in a strained voice. She turned away. MIKE: Hah, how cute!! Well, that was awful nice of her, wouldn't you say? Sailor Moon clapped in approval. "Wonderful! You've returned her to a state of grace! My, she DOES have good lungs, doesn't she?" TOM: Huh? What the hell kind of comment is *that*? CROW: A smarmy one. Weren't you paying attention? She smiled and started forward toward the baby. Minako hugged her friend. MIKE: [Genie from _Aladdin_] Group hug!! Xena smiled and looked at Sailor Venus. "Someone keeps reminding me how important it is to give people a second chance. If it wasn't for Gabrielle, I'd--" Xena broke off at a startled noise from the moon princess, who had picked up the wailing baby. TOM: It's so touching...I think I shall cry. CROW: Yeah, that was so nice of her!! "Oh dear," commented Sailor Moon. Jupiter, Mercury and younger Venus crowded around to look. Pluto stood in the background and looked unhappy. CROW: I thought Jupiter was the sourpuss!! Xena and Minako stepped forward. Serenity was holding Callisto, looking a bit nonplussed. MIKE: Okay...what's going to ruin the moment now? On Callisto's forehead the sign of Mars was glowing softly. ALL: Huh? "D'oh!" said Minako. "Well, that explains why Ares was never able to find Mars! She must have been subconsciously tapping into her power and using it all along!" ALL: WHAT?!! TOM: Okay...that contrivance *REALLY* stunk!! Come on!! Joxer regained consciousness. "Hey," he said. "Is the fight over already?" Xena and Sailor Jupiter just started laughing. MIKE: [Xena] Hah, ha...kill the little creep now!! ----- To be concluded... ALL: Ooooohhh... The threat of the renegade goddesses has been eliminated, but lives have been permanently changed and secrets revealed. CROW: Some we'd rather not know about. Will Minako find a way to return to 30th century Crystal Tokyo? And if she leaves, what will Xena do without her? MIKE: She'll jump off a bridge. TOM: Well, the story *did* get better!! We were able to kill off one annoying character! CROW: Tom Servo, ever the dark one. MIKE: Let's go, guys! [SoL- Bridge] TOM: Ah, another one bites the dust!! Whoohoo!! MIKE: Yeah, let's... [notices an envelope laying on the desk] CROW: What is it, Mike? MIKE: I don't know. Let's look at it. [MIKE opens the letter and reads it.] _____________________________________ To Crow: I have just about had enough of the antics of you condescending buffoons who are ignorant to the world. I will tell you that you have walked quite far out onto a lake covered with thin ice...and will soon fall in. But don't get the impression that I am actively mad at you. I just want you to know that you have probably made at most 3 genuinely funny references...if I were you I would be dreadfully embarrased. In fact, any critique you give of my story is wrong, because I am Nightman... and you are nothing. You come off as a moron who doesn't know half of what he thinks he does, and that's not a flame...that's the honest truth. So remember, you insig- nificant nothing...I am Nightman, and you are nothing. You are worth nothing, and even if you have done good things, they are nullified by making fun of my story in which I have invested a lot of my time and effort. So, this story which you have called a concrete enema is actually many, many times more valuable than even a bit of metal on your worthless body, scum. But allow me to point out that I have been contentedly ignoring you, you sad piece of deer [censored]. Just look at all the people laughing at you quite hard... haha... I have nothing further to say to you. Nightman _______________________________ CROW: Yeesh!! Looks like I shouldn't have written the letter! MIKE: I guess he's gonna come a-gunning for you!! CROW: Oh, poopie. He'll probably hit me with a thesaurus. :P TOM: If he comes up here, I never knew you. CROW: It's just a fanfic, so relax. [fade to credits] mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS original fanfic written by NIGHTMAN Mystery Science Theater 3000 is ©1997, 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for this is a harmless satire. Even to Nightman, who called me a condescending buffoon who doesn't know half of what he thinks he knows. Yeesh. Sailor Moon is copyright to Naoko T. and DIC. All rights reserved. Xena belongs to someone, I can't remember who. But I'm not making any dollars from this...I'm not in it fot money, I'm in it for the kicks!! This fanfic is the property of Nightman. Any jokes made on it are not intended to cause bodily harm, or insult anybody, okay? However, the story really is pretty interesting, and not all that bad, so I suggest you view it un-MSTed, too! You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/ Keep Circulating the Fics 9 April 1998 > In truth, I would like to have my guards fight on to protect the lives of > the innocents here but I'm selfish ... I want to put the lives of my beloved > guards above those of many humans I don't know."