Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! by Nightman MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Well, here it is...end time!! [fanfare] It's been a long MSTing, but through flame after flame, I shall overcome!! Of course, no offense is intended... On with the show!! [Roll Season 9 Theme] [Unnamed Planet] PEARL: Where is it? Where is it? [BOBO gets up from the computer] BOBO: Lawgiver...it's done!! The fanfic is copied! PEARL: Excellent, Bobo...time to rouse our little friends! Brain Guy!! Send the guys Chapter 12 of Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?!...BWAH,HAHAHAHAHA!! [Satellite of Love] [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: [rushing onscreen] We've got impromptu fanfic sign!!! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,*] [CROW and TOM arrive in the theater slightly after MIKE.] CROW: What's up for today? Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! ALL: ARRRRGGGHHHH!!! CHAPTER TWELVE: SELENE TOM: Twelve? That's it!! The last part!! CROW: How can you tell? TOM: The contrivances are thinning out, and all the bad guys are gone. The Moon Kingdom was a sprawling city of colonnades and plazas, streets and columns, underneath a strange dark sky like an ocean lit by myriad stars and the glowing pearl of the Earth. MIKE: So...it's Athens on the Moon!! CROW: Um...no. Pale white light appeared in a central plaza, fading to separate colors as seven women holding hands in a circle appeared; one befuddled man holding a baby was in their center, along with a white tomcat. TOM: Namely Sailors Venus, Mercury, Jupiter, Moon nee Serenity, Minako, Pluto, Saturn nee Xena, Joxer, Callisto, and Artemis. [MIKE and CROW stare at TOM] "The Moon Kingdom," Minako breathed, both reverent and excited. She looked around, her eyes taking in the sights hungrily. CROW: [Minako] Eyes want food! Sailor Moon looked at her strangely. "Minako, you act like you've never seen this place," she said in a questioning tone. TOM: ["Sailor Moon"] You must be an impostor...PREPARE to DIE!! "Has it changed so much in your future?" Minako froze and turned to face her with her best, most convincing false smile. CROW: Oh, what an oily jerk. MIKE: It is quite easy to hate Minako now, isn't it? "Your highness, I have been lost on Earth, amnesiac, several years and in truth, I am stationed on Earth so I have not seen this city in a very long time. TOM: [Minako] And frankly, I am tired of these bloody plot contrivances! I can't tell you much of the future, but I can say that we Sailor Senshi have fought to protect Earth and are no longer barred from it by the Gods." ALL: Of course. Sailor Moon nodded in understanding. "You are from after the dark age my mother has spoken to me about," she said. CROW: The Inquisition? TOM: [British] NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! "I understand why you are so careful with your knowledge. I will press no further," she concluded. "Come this way, everyone, we must present ourselves at the palace. Our Queen will wish to hear our report." She turned and lead the way. MIKE: Wait. Aren't they talking to Serenity anyway? And furthermore, doesn't she already know what they've done? CROW: Hush... "Gab, er, Minako," Xena asked. "Yes?" TOM: [Xena] Can you shut up, just once? "How do I get the bow off my armor?" MIKE: [Minako] Why? You look just adorable...teehee! Later . . . CROW: How much later? TOM: Does it matter? Princess Serenity walked with Joxer along the row of fountains in front of the palace. Hedges granted them a measure of privacy, MIKE: This had better not be going where I hope it's not going... CROW: Hope he uses protection! MIKE: Crow... and the warm moist air was filled with the heady fragrance of moon flowers, huge white trumpet- shaped blossoms like morning glories. TOM: It's like Fantasia! "I want to thank you for everything you did for me on Earth," Serenity said. "You don't have any special powers but you risked your life to save me. That's the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do." CROW: Besides climbing into a volcano. MIKE: That's not brave, that's just stupid. Joxer shrugged. He was at a loss for words. TOM: Good! Actually, he had trouble walking straight since Serenity had wrapped her arm around his. CROW: Oh puke! It's a romantic subplot!!! With Serenity and Joxer! MIKE: [retches] He was wearing a nice clean tunic, vest, and pants provided by the invisible servants of the palace. He looked very nice, Serenity thought. The vulnerability in his face was . . . appealing. TOM: Please...don't let this happen... Elsewhere . . . Xena was perched in a window, looking out into the starry sky. Minako was seated sideways on the bed, with several pillows mounded up behind her. MIKE: [Minako] Man...my back is really out of line...what happened? The bed had a gauzy canopy over it, and potted plants with tall spiky foliage accented the corners. The room was appointed more elegantly than any Royal suite Minako had seen while traveling with Xena. CROW: Here at the Fanboy Inn, only the *best* accomodations are reserved for our marquee characters and objects of obsession! Minako sank back into the soft comfort and shut her eyes. It was a heavenly rest after sleeping on the ground so much. She hadn't explained to Xena what a mattress with springs was yet, but was sure Xena would be amused by the invention. CROW: Yeah, and they were going to "test" the springs later. MIKE: Crow... Xena had been making idle chit-chat, which meant that something was bothering her. Minako had a pretty good idea what it was. TOM: [Minako] If you want to make out with me, Xena...just ask! MIKE: Oh, boy. "Are you staying?" Xena asked somewhat casually. CROW: [Xena] Do I have to hear your long-winded ministrations again? Minako opened her eyes and blinked. Even expecting the question, it was a bit sudden. "Here? In the Moon Kingdom? Xena, I don't know if I'll be given a choice. In a sense, Erić and I share a part of the same soul, the soul of 'Sailor Venus.' MIKE: Oh, really? Heh. I might not be able to stay here. On the other hand, we've apparently been banished forever from the Earth by the Gods. There are a lot of things I would like to do, like deal with the Amazons, but CROW: [Minako] Nightman won't allow it. I don't see that I have any way to get back short of fighting the whole pantheon. But yes, if I've got a decision, it's to stay right here with you." TOM: [Minako] Will you marry me? She paused and thought about it for a minute. "I know that you were pretty shocked to come back from Tartarus and find that I'd suddenly changed so much, but the fact remains that I love you very much and I don't want to be separated from you, Xena. I know what we are. We're soulmates. CROW: [Batman announcer] What's this? Could this be going hentai on us? All that time in the future, I never found someone who could really be with me, and understand me, always. Oh, my friends were close, especially Usagi, but there was something _lacking_. MIKE: [Minako] In Usagi's case...a *brain*. And I had some _other_ friends, and they, they were soulmates. And more. And I envied them." She sighed as she thought about Haruka and Michiru. It had been so very long since she'd seen them. TOM: And Scarecrow...and the Cowardly Lion...and the Tin Man. Xena turned to Minako, her eyes bright from the celestial light outside the window. "If you needed to return to your own place for family, friends, duties, I'd understand. You don't need to stay to make me happy. I told you when you married Perdicus, seeing you happy makes *me* happy." CROW: [Xena] Let's get naked! MIKE: Crow, stop that. "Xena," said Minako as she reached out and took her best friend's hand. TOM: Here it is, Crow! Elsewhere . . . CROW: People all around the Moon Kingdom began to complain about the sound of creaking bedsprings. MIKE: Crow, you want a time-out? Sailor Pluto walked into Selene's throne room. A handsome man in a red tunic and black trousers was standing on the floor next to the Titan's throne. TOM: They've crossed over with Star Trek now!! AAARGGGHH! Moment thought he looked familiar. She approached to in front of the throne dias, and bowed gracefully, still holding her staff. MIKE: Unfortunately, it was standing in front of her, so she impales her neck on it. The end. TOM: Wow!! That was pretty good, Mike! MIKE: This story is getting to me. CROW: So you said. "Moment," said the Titan of the moon. "This . . . man would like to speak with you. You are under no obligation to do so, but he has paid Us for the right to make this visit and it would be uncharitable to refuse him, even considering who he is." TOM: Who? Peterson Star? Moment narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Majesty, who IS he?" "He is your father – Hades, God of the Underworld." CROW: And...here's our plot point from earlier! Moment gasped, and her eyes widened with shock. Hades turned from glaring at Selene to gravely met her glance and nodded once in confirmation. Now she recognized him. TOM: [Serenity] Child Support time... "Yes . . . I will speak with him," she said. Much later . . . MIKE: At least there's an illusion that the story is actually moving. "I'm not sure I should take it back," Melissa said to Minako, who was offering the staff that the captain of the guard's sword had transformed into. CROW: [Minako] You will, or I'll have my friend Nightman write you into a lemon with Oscar! TOM: [Melissa] No!! Anything but that!! I'll take it! "You should," Minako said in a firm voice. "You are still leader of the Sailor Senshi. I am not." She thrust the weapon into Melissa's hands. MIKE: Running them through, and Melissa bleeds to death. The end. TOM: Mike, I'm impressed! The Spartan woman looked at it strangely for a moment then tightened her grip on it. There was a blast of green radiance and weapon reformed as a sword with oak leaf hilt guards. CROW: Stunning!! Uhh... "You see? It knows its proper mistress," Minako said encouragingly. MIKE: [Melissa, defensive] Hey, I'm not into S & M! Melissa blinked. "But you're so much more powerful than I am! And Saturn is the finest warrior I've ever seen!" CROW: [Melissa] IfyaknowwhatImean!! "So there are some things you can learn from us. Big deal. You've got the job and you were doing well with it. We'll ALL learn from each other. If it makes you feel any better, I think that Xena and I should be trainers for the rest of you. TOM: [Melissa] No!! Let me go!! Xena can coach you in battle skills & tactical, and I can train you in the use of your powers. Let me be real blunt here, Melissa — Xena's experience does NOT include magical powers. That levels the field for you two as I see it. But like I said, we ALL have something to learn." CROW: [Minako] Like how to do that sliding disconnected finger trick. Melissa nodded appreciatively. "All right then. Can you show me something now?" "Sure, what is it?" Minako asked with a smile. MIKE: [Melissa] A taser. Adios, Sucker!! *ZAP*!! "How do you do that braid of hair that holds back your bangs??" TOM: Heh, heh...funny. Minako goggled at her. Melissa started cracking up. CROW: [Scotty] I can't hold 'er, Cap'n...she's cracking up! Meanwhile, in the gardens farthest from Selene's palace . . . MIKE: [announcer] Elliot Ness and his Untouchables are holding Al Capone to a standstill! Princess Serenity and Joxer were out walking again, as they had many times in the past few days. They reached a secluded clearing adorned with a statue of, oddly enough, Aphrodite. "Joxer, I've spoken to my mother. You have to return to Earth." TOM: [Serenity] She says I can't have a pet until I clean my room! Joxer looked at her aghast. "When?" MIKE: [Joxer] I have a 5:30 at the clinic! "Soon. She said that you could only stay here a few days. A period of rest, she called it. I don't want you to leave, I begged her to let you stay. . . !" Serenity began sobbing and Joxer took her in his arms. ALL: ARRRGHHHH!! CROW: This had better not turn into a lemon. "Your mother knows best, Serenity. I'm sure. " He was somewhat choked up himself. "I'm sure she has great plans for you." TOM: [Joxer] That reminds me...I think the House of Alexander is looking for a new coffee wench! You'd be perfect! "It'll kill me. Every time I look up at the Earth I'll be thinking of you. And I'll reach for you and we'll be so far apart . . ." CROW: [Serenity] And then I'll thank my lucky stars I can't hear you sing! "The same for me, my beautiful, brave, princess. My Sailor Moon." MIKE: [singing] Passing out by daylight... TOM: [singing] Hemhorraging by moonlight... CROW: [singing] Being smarmy in a real fight... ALL: [singing] She is the one who's Joxer's Sailor Moon! They kissed, passionately. After a time, Joxer moved to break away. "Don't," said Princess Serenity. And they sank down together in the exotic gardens of the city of the moon. CROW: SPEW!! TOM: Please say this isn't happening...please say this isn't happening... MIKE: [retches again] Selene stood atop the highest tower of her castle, eyes closed and watching Serenity and her erstwhile suitor with her clairvoyance. She sighed, shedding a tear. TOM: It's when she sheds her *hair* that there's a problem! MIKE: [recovering] Wha? "Better you are with him now and part, than watch him fade with age, or, like my own Endymion was, be trapped in eternal sleep to prolong his life," ALL: [gasp] TOM: Serenity: The Clonus Horror. she whispered as she opened her eyes. She sensed divine presences and turned to see who they were." MIKE: The Banana Splits? CROW: Gladys Knight and the Pips? TOM: Girlpope? They were the Fates. ALL: Oh. "You must restore everyone to their proper places," snapped Clotho. TOM: "Don't use me to clean grills!" snapped Rag-o. "Xena's place is now with you," said Atropos. TOM: We can't stand her in *our* world. "Minako's place is to return to the future. She CANNOT stay here, to do so would cross her soul's own timeline. The Holy Crystal has granted her perfect immortality. If she dwells here, the cycle incarnations of Sailor Venus will be completely disrupted," pronounced Lachesis. CROW: In short...time and space will get screwed up and destroyed. Selene's eyes widened. "Who was, will be, able to give her perfect Immortality?" The three Fates exchanged a look. "Your granddaughter, who is being conceived at this very moment," answered Clotho. Serenity's eyes widened in shock. ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MIKE: I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means, or I will be seriously ill! CROW: Still, I can see a bit of Joxer in Usagi! MIKE: Crow...urp [slumps in seat] "Return Joxer to Earth," commanded Lachesis. "Tomorrow night, as soon as the moon has risen over Greece. We will compel the gods to allow your power to reach Earth." TOM: [Lachesis] If not...too bad. "To send Minako through time, you must unite the Holy Crystal's powers with Sailor Pluto. There is a point of temporal harmony fast approaching. MIKE: Need a plot convenience? Visit "Plot Conveniences R' Us!" Two convenient locations! Sailor Venus must be returned to within hours of the point she left or the future is lost. This window occurs tomorrow at roughly the same time as Joxer will return to Earth. " MIKE: Oh yeah, riiiight. "This is very cruel," Selene said. "But I understand these are things that MUST be. " She turned and looked out across the city. "Can you tell me when my city will be populated by more than a handful of refugees?" CROW: [Fates] What do you think we are? Psychic? ... ooops. The Fates exchanged another glance, and finally Atropos spoke. "Your daughter will fill the city and rule the True Moon Kingdom. TOM: Oooh...she's gonna breed, then. All that you do here is to prepare the way for her, and she will rule over a time of great peace and prosperity." CROW: [Atropos] For us, that is. The world she will rule over, frankly, sucks. "Her time of power will end only when OUR time ends," said Clotho. Selene nodded. "Very well. Thy will be done." MIKE: [Clotho] Hey!! I ordered myself medium rare! The Fates vanished. "You're sending Minako away," said Xena flatly. TOM: [Xena] Now who will keep me company on those lonely nights? Selene whirled around, surprised. Her divine senses should have marked Xena's approach. Either the Fates hid her, or Xena's power as Saturn so permeated her that she could cloak herself to the Titan. Either possibility was uncomfortable. MIKE: [Selene] I wet 'em! "Yes." Selene replied. Xena turned and walked back inside the tower. Selene turned back to the nearly empty city. Downstairs, Xena started yelling. CROW: [Xena] I WANT MY AGENT!! TOM: Has anyone else noticed that Xena hasn't been referred to as "Sailor Saturn" recently? MIKE: Who cares? It's pointless to even complain about it. "APHRODITE!!!!!!!" After about three minutes of this, there was a blast of golden light and a shower of pink, white, and red rose petals. "Chill babe! You dragged me away from some bitchin' waves at Parnassus!!" the Goddess of Love protested. CROW: Here we go again. TOM: Come on, Xena...find the Silence Glaive and smite Aphrodite!! Xena gave Aphrodite The Look. MIKE: *The Look*...by Calvin Klein. "The Fates are making Selene send Minako back. She said she wanted to stay. Do something." CROW: [Xena] YOU'RE THE GOD! Aphrodite burst out laughing. "Me? Against the Fates? Sure, right after I off Hera and become Queen of the Gods. Get a clue, Xena. It's a done deal. If they said it's gotta be then it's gotta be. " MIKE: [Aphrodite] You're screwed. "I don't understand." MIKE: [Aphrodite, yelling] YOU'RE SCREWED!! TOM: Cut down on the caffeine, Mike. "This is just a guess on my part, mind you, but there are two Sailors Venus right now. One of them MUST go before the Venus Power tries to split or something. Gabby doesn't have a real place in the Tapestry. So, it's either pull her out of it here and now, or _cut_ her out of it. Do you understand what I'm getting at?" CROW: [Xena] Duuuuuh...no? MIKE: Hell, *I* don't. Xena's eyes widened. "Then I'll go with her." "You can't. You have to live and die here or the cycle of Saturn's incarnations will be broken. " Xena strode around the room, looking about as if trying to seize upon some last minute idea. CROW: [Xena] Maybe if I find a better author who can cater to my every wish... dare to dream. "Xena, let me tell you a story. Do you know how the universe was created?" MIKE: And Creationist theories...check! TOM: This story has *everything*!! CROW: Except a good plot and likeable main character. Xena stopped. "Yes. There was formless nothingness, and then Chaos was born, and from it the Earth and the Heavens were formed, and from them the Titans were born—" CROW: Trojans!! MIKE: Crow... "You're missing a bit there," said Aphrodite. "Out of the primal nothingness, TWO forces emerged into the universe. Most people say, as you did, that the first was Chaos. What most don't know is that the other force, was LOVE. TOM: Oh, boy...it's only a matter of time now... And it wasn't the second one to come out; I should know. It's love that built the universe and Chaos just spiced things up a bit by fighting it. MIKE: [old guy] Where's the outrage? It's always trying to rip things apart, and with love, we're always trying to bring things together. It's what makes life interesting." CROW: [Aphrodite] Then, there's this story. "And your point to all this is what exactly?" scoffed Xena. ALL: Good question!! "That love brings people together, and keeps them together, and when the love is strong enough, it brings them back together. Believe in that. It's all you have . . . and it's a lot." Aphrodite vanished in another blast of light and flower petals. CROW: [Xena] I've got it...I'll make some good sweet lovin' to Gaby, and she'll stay! MIKE: Crow, come on. Coincidentally, Xena's bed was now covered in rose petals. CROW: I knew it!! MIKE: Crow... TOM: This lemon sure is subtle! Finally, the next evening . . . TOM: Gabrielle had morning sickness. MIKE: Uhhh...no. "I guess we're not going to get those lessons after all," said Melissa tearfully. Erić and Amica stood behind her, looking saddened and disappointed. CROW: [Amica] I wanted to use the whip and Astro-Glide!! MIKE: CROW!! "It was great meeting you Minako," said Amica. "You really opened my eyes to a lot of things. " MIKE: [Amica] Like how to keep friends despite talking their ears off! "Me too!" chimed in Erić. "I'm looking forward to putting my spin onto your tricks!" CROW: So Erić's gotten into the pimping business! Minako flashed her a grin. "I just bet you are. By the way, how's your cooking?" TOM: Worse than Akane's. "My cooking? It's all right, nothing special." CROW: [Erić] Only *two* people passed out this year! "Damn. I guess it's just me; I thought it might be part of the package," Minako winked at her. She suddenly stopped in shock. "Waitaminute," she said. "I CAN cook! Gabrielle is a DECENT COOK!!" ALL: Huh? CROW: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? MIKE: Looks like we just hit a plot cul-de-sac. TOM: More like a Figure-8. "You mean I can't call you Akane any more?" teased Artemis. MIKE: Ah, there it was. CROW: Too late, Nightman...we already used that ref! "Well, Princess, thank you so much for the hospitality of your realm," Joxer said formally. He and Serenity had agreed to keep what had happened a secret. TOM: Ooooooh... MIKE: Excuse me...[rushes over to a corner and retches] "I . . . I would like to reward you in some way," she said. "As an immortal, the processes of my life are very slow, but if, perhaps, many years in the future when I am Queen in my mother's place, and I were to bear my heir, what would you have me name her? After your own beloved mother perhaps?" CROW: If it turns out that one of the present senshi is an offspring of Serenity and Joxer, my head will explode. I mean it, my head will literally explode!! Joxer made a face. "No. No, name her Serenity, after her beautiful mother." He knelt and kissed her hand. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!! TOM: Oh, no... Xena and Moment observed this, but the other senshi were too busy with Minako. Of them all, only Moment and Minako were in senshi garb. CROW: [Xena] You know...maybe I can find a way to make out with Gabrielle like that. "I wonder if Callisto will grow up innocent," said Moment. "The blood on her hands, it scares me." MIKE: Me too. Seems like another plot point. Xena nodded. "I've thought about this. If I have to, I'll raise her as my own daughter. I have a son I gave up for fostering, now I'll never be reunited with him. It seems like some kind of sad balance. TOM: Like that between good and bad fanfiction. I took Callisto's childhood away from her, I lost my son's childhood, now she's restored to infancy and I'll raise her. I just hope that we can all look at her without flinching when she's older." MIKE: She must look like Cloris Leachman when she's older. "If her eyes are normal, and she's not scarred, it'll help," replied Moment. The women exchanged a knowing glance. Moment smiled. "You seem a very secretive type. I like that. Minako told me that as Sailor Pluto I will be keeping many secrets drawn from the time stream. I think I should cultivate an air of mystery." TOM: [Moment] After that...I shall cultivate a new field of corn!! Xena grinned. "If you can pull it off, it can be a lot of fun. Especially if you have helpers to drag around." She turned and looked at Melissa, Erić and Amica. The two of them started chuckling. ALL: [make idle chortling noises] "It's time!" announced Selene. She clapped her hands once and the Holy Silver Moon Crystal appeared. MIKE: [Robin] Holy Silver Moon Crystal, Batman! CROW: Sister crystal to the Holy Hand Grenade. Pluto nodded and stepped forward and knelt before the Queen of the Moon. Selene placed her hands on her shoulders and an aura of power outlined the Titan. Minako had run to give Xena a last embrace. They held each other tightly. TOM: [Minako/Gabrielle/Venus] I'll miss you!! MIKE: [Xena, ala Bogart] Nosense, sweetheart...you're getting on that time warp right now... "Minako!" called Artemis, who had taken up his position. She and Xena kissed and separated again. CROW: Oh yeah, Nightman...keep the hentai coming, heh, heh. MIKE: Crow... The winds of time had begun to swirl around the group. Unexpectedly the Fates appeared, holding a golden thread in all their hands. They cast this thread toward Sailor Pluto and it wrapped around her staff. There was a crack of thunder and she stood up and made a gesture with the key. A portal in time opened up. TOM: Then, due to the intrusion, both universes were ripped apart. The end. MIKE: Sorry, no chance. TOM: Rats! "Good bye everybody! Do your best! Take care! Don't take any wooden drachmas!" CROW: Why does this seem familiar? "DINARS!" corrected Artemis, jumping to her shoulder. CROW: Oh. That's why. MIKE: This story *is* a Figure 8!! "Whatever," she said grinning. "Sayonara!" she yelled and then jumped into the time stream. Joxer and Xena stood side by side, and Xena put a reassuring hand on his shoulder as she vanished. "Now it's your turn," she said. TOM: [Joxer] Can I fill my pants for one last time? Epilogues ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO!! MIKE: Come on guys, we can make it...the story's almost over!! EPILOGUE THE FIRST: The Galaxy Cauldron, Zero Star in Sagittarius, Mythic Era TOM: Huntington, Essex, E1 T60. In the center of the Galaxy, Chaos hovered over the chasm known in legends as the Galaxy Cauldron. It was a rift that reached the core of the dead world, and it was from that point that all the starseeds that formed the suns and planets and creatures of the galaxy had arisen. CROW: Oh, yeah...interesting. [yawn] All the starseeds, that is, except one. Chaos alone remained an embodiment of unformed potential, and thus contrary to every other object and being in the universe. Yet, it had its role as well. TOM: That of Ophelia in _Hamlet_. Astral winds blew toward it, carrying what might as well be called ashes of a soul. Chaos stirred its spectral form, and reached out a prismatic hand to gather the residue of a particularly powerful life into it. It paused to consider the origin of the residue, both in terms of place and destiny. MIKE: This is one thorough story. Such detail...it's...eh... CROW: Smothering. MIKE: Thanks. After a time, it had decided what to do. It had collected all the soul fragments borne back to the birthplace of all life and gently released the essence into the void below along with a gift of power. MIKE: [Tim Allen] POWER...HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA... The ashes descended into the cauldron and the mechanism of cosmic rebirth began. It sensed three things from the residue above all other: sadism, power lust, and a need for vengeance. CROW: Don't forget smarm!! "You who were Velasca shall be reborn," Chaos spoke to her over the void. "It seems now that my first dark child, Dahok, will be defeated by the powers that have grown around your home world. You will supplant him. MIKE: [Chaos] Because I, Chaos, has decided that he shall snuff it. I know that you will succeed where he has failed, for your own desire's sake. You shall be reborn as my daughter of darkness and the living instrument of your own vengeance. I shall name you . . . METALLIA. ALL: AAAAAAAHHHH! CROW: [klaxon noises] TOM: Plot cul-de-sac...time intrusion...story going down!! And I swear, you shall destroy your foes someday. It is destined." MIKE: Yeah, whatever. EPILOGUE THE SECOND: CROW: [minister] Chapter 13, Verse 15. Outside the Castle of Wiseman, Planet Nemesis, Crystal Era "Hold it up, Usagi!" Rei screamed. Neo-Queen Serenity barely nodded as she struggled to lift her arms higher and hold them up. MIKE: [singing] Lift them up...higher and higher!! A few feet from her outstretched arms the Ginzuishou floated, gleaming with light like an Earthly star. But it was a radiance that was markedly weaker than it had possessed when she had sent her essence back in time to help her younger self defeat Wiseman, barely a week before in her timeline. CROW: Is there a fast-forward button on this thing? TOM: No, you're going to suffer just like the rest of us! Neo-Queen Serenity's cosmic powers were nearly exhausted. And Chaos knew it. MIKE: And so we will be told for the next ten minutes how he knows it, why he knows it, the rationale behind this knowledge, and any and all side-effects of this knowledge. Chaos rose above them, a huge cloaked shape glittering with strange colors like the starry sky turned negative. It laughed with a sound that defied human words. TOM: Hopefully, it will defy the words of this story, and we can go. Sailors Jupiter and Mars just looked more ticked as they flung quick, low-power attacks at Chaos in an attempt to keep it at bay. CROW: Here's a thought...use HIGH-POWER attacks! MIKE: Nightman's writing the Scouts dumber than usual! There was no belief in their minds that the queen could beat it. The power surge they had witnessed before simply was not coming. They had already tried uniting their powers and it just hadn't done much. Mercury stood nearby, still and vulnerable as she frantically worked on her computer. TOM: What SM battle scene wouldn't be complete without Mercury on her computer? Sailor Pluto stood behind her, the two of them working together to scan the area. Pluto tried to keep her attention evenly split between Mercury's work and the threat of Chaos, but it was very difficult. CROW: They were falling asleep too. The disruptions in the timestream that had alerted her to the menace here were so intense — and so close to her, personally — that she couldn't keep the clarity of focus she normally had. MIKE: [Pluto] Arrgh...my needle's stuck! Chaos feinted under a spray of flames from Mars, surging like a tidal swell, and unleashed some form of darkness blast at Mercury. Pluto pulled her aside as the blast sprayed the ground, apparently doing no physical damage whatsoever. TOM: Yes, go on. CROW: If I were to go out and get a bite to eat, would I miss something? TOM: Probably not. CROW: Just wondering. That worried Pluto more. The attack was probably pure magic, spiritual in nature. Not something she could parry with a twirl of her Time Key Staff. "ARRGH!" she screamed as the temporal disruption yawned wide, like an abyss opening in her own mind. Mercury barely had time to grab her as she crumpled. MIKE: [Mercury] An abyss in her mind? That means that Minako has returned! The others, except Neo-Queen Serenity, turned to her in shock. Serenity tried to press forward against Chaos but after it was momentarily distracted it simply pushed back, hard, and Serenity slid several yards backward and into the blond Nemesian who'd guided them there. CROW: Details! Details!! Can't live without them! MIKE: This is making me sleepy. At that moment, the Garnet Orb flared to life. Mercury gaped in shock as the Time Key Staff slipped out of Pluto's loose grip and flipped through the air. It almost seemed as if the staff was going to throw a Dead Scream by itself, but instead a wormhole opened up behind it and Sailor Venus and Artemis leapt through gracefully. TOM: And the plot Figure-8 is complete!! CROW: Nightman should be a figure skater. MIKE: Naw, this story's *plot* should do figure skating. The temporal rift slammed shut with a sound like a refrigerator door sealing, and the staff fell over and rolled toward Pluto. CROW: Then, like a refrigerator, it fell down and crushed Pluto...the end. MIKE: Nice try. Chaos looked at Sailor Venus and made a sound that apparently was a snicker. Minako's eyes widened as she took in the spectacle before her. Her face took on a mask of pure rage. She flung out her right arm and with a sound that rang of celestial harmonies, a golden staff flew into it from _nowhere_ and immediately blazed with power. TOM: My head is hurting. Got any aspirin? MIKE: No, but I feel your pain. The detail is simply excruciating. A golden aura formed around her as well. She yelled something angry in a language that only two other people on the battlefield understood. TOM: [Chaos] Im-ay Pissed-ay! With a fierce battle cry, Sailor Venus leapt forward, swinging the blazing staff overhead like Pluto sometimes wielded her staff. It connected with Chaos' massive form with an audible crack and Venus did a backflip away from the specter, recovering her footing immediately. MIKE: As the marquee character only can. Serenity gasped—in her mind the astral resonance of Minako's power was different. It was far stronger and triumphant than anything she'd heard before, yet somehow "perky." ALL: "PERKY"?! CROW: Kill me now. It was uniquely Minako; and it was powerful, like the harmonies that she felt when Uranus & Neptune had fought together, before they fell in battle. TOM: It's becoming cathartic for Nightman now. CROW: What was your first clue? Minako gleefully swung her staff from the end, using it like a club and smacked Chaos again. MIKE: Clubbing 101...the required intro course for Los Angeles Police officers. To put it concisely, everything on the battlefield stopped as Sailor Venus beat the crap out of the prime evil of the universe. CROW: Gasp!! Nightman did something concisely!! TOM: Yes, he can be taught. MIKE: [ominously] But at what price? More flames? Finally, Chaos backed off. "I will not waste my power today!" it said, in a strange thrumming voice that echoed across the landscape. "You are too pure, too filled with your sense of triumph and hope. You have transcended your own limitations in this moment. CROW: This story must have transcended a few disk caches. But you are human and this cannot last. We will rejoin this battle someday very soon, Sailor Senshi of Earth. And you WILL fall before my final child of darkness!" TOM: [Chaos, tantrum-like] You WILL!! You WILL!! You WILL!! Waaaahhh!! With that, Chaos dispersed up into the starry night sky, fading into the darkness. Venus watched it depart as her battle aura faded. Likewise, Serenity had stopped trying to force the Ginzuishou's power and brought it to rest in her cupped hands. Rei was by her side, supporting her and whispering encouraging taunts into her ear. MIKE: [Rei, French accent] Get up, you stupid Japanese peeg-dogg! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!! Serenity looked to be in pain, but her smile was relieved, and happy. Tears glimmered at the corners of her eyes. "Welcome back, Minako-chan," she said. TOM: You can feel the syrupy-sweetness in the air! Minako flashed her a grin and the V-for-Victory sign with her left hand. She was holding the golden staff in her right. Mercury welcomed her back and immediately asked her where the staff had come from. CROW: Yeah, don't you wonder sometimes? MIKE: Watch it, Crow. When Minako goggled at the realization of what she was holding, Ami-chan just started scanning it with her computer. ALL: [tired] Again... MIKE: Okay, I'll bite...how do you goggle? CROW: Make your eyes bulge out, I guess. I don't know. When the image of a sword with a crescent cross-guard appeared on the computer's screen, she became very, VERY confused. TOM: [Ami] I'll let the *readers* try to figure this story out! Sailor Pluto stood up and took a good long look at Minako. "Well damn," she said in ancient Greek. MIKE: Even though they didn't have "damn" then. CROW: No, anachronisms are okay in this show. MIKE: Okay. "It's been a long time, Gabrielle," she grinned. Minako startled everyone by dropping her staff and running over to give Pluto a big hug. The two of them immediately started babbling in ancient Greek, ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CROW: [head explodes] TOM: Sweet mother of Mary!! causing Artemis to sigh and look on beatifically and Ami- chan to get REALLY annoyed. She knew Latin, but not Greek. Oh well, it'd be something to do on the trip back to Earth. MIKE: Oh...so Ami will feel really bad if she doesn't know what they're saying? TOM: [Ami] They're talking about me...I know it!! Sailor Jupiter approached the Nemesian. "So, what else do you people do around here for fun?" she joked. He grinned broadly at her. TOM: [Nemesian] *You*!! MIKE: Tom... TOM: Just picking up the slack for Crow here... "I was just going to ask YOU the same thing, actually!" they both started laughing. MIKE: What's so funny? TOM: I haven't the foggiest. EPILOGUE THE THIRD: Hellespont, Greece, Mythic Age TOM: New York, 14625. There was a flash of light and Joxer appeared in a clearing. He looked up at the moon and drew a deep shuddering breath. You could say a lot of things about him, but he didn't cry. He was that strong, at least. MIKE: [Joxer] Too bad I wet 'em again! I hate when that happens! A moment later he wiped away a tear and cursed under his breath. He remembered his parting with Xena just moments ago. He couldn't believe it. She was a part of the Moon Kingdom now and would walk on Earth no more. What a shame, he thought, a waste. TOM: [Joxer, muttering] If only I had a better agent... There was a lot of corruption and Xena was damn good at rooting it out. She'd certainly saved his neck enough times. It was hard enough that Gabrielle had returned to her own land but for Xena to be barred from the Earth as well . . . destined to have her legend forgotten, her name lost to time. MIKE: I feel so sad!! TOM: Really? MIKE: No, and as soon as this story is over, I'm partying like it's 1999! TOM: Well, it's a bit late now, since it's around 2500. MIKE: Oooh. "It's better that way, Joxer," she'd said. "Fame isn't important to me. It's true that I wanted people to know that I was trying to atone for my past crimes, that I had changed. But that part of my life is over. I accept that. I have another responsibility that I have to focus on now. Do me a favor though. TOM: [Xena] Stop filling your pants!! You smell *very* bad!! Get out of the warrior business. After all, even the mightiest warriors tend to die young, and it would comfort me greatly if I knew you were a farmer somewhere, or something like that. I'm sure . . . Gabrielle would have wanted that." MIKE: [Xena] Well, not anything that you would farm, but you get the idea. Joxer had colored at that. He almost felt like he'd betrayed Gabrielle with Serenity but . . . the moment Serenity had looked at him _that way_ he'd known Gabrielle would never look at him _that way_. ALL: EWWWWWWWW!! MIKE: You know, this fic *can* be used to induce vomiting, too. Gabrielle. TOM: The new fragrance by Liz Claiborne. Her work. CROW: [getting up with quite a bit of damage to the head] Her annoying speeches. MIKE: Nice to have you back, Crow!! CROW: I think I can last the rest of the fic. The scrolls. He had to do something with her scrolls. MIKE: [Joxer] Good thing I had *these* around!! I need some more toilet paper! TOM: That's gross, Mike. He turned and set out at a dash. Gabrielle had stored her scrolls, her LIFE'S WORK, somewhere before coming to Hellespont. He'd find them, and see that they were put somewhere safe. CROW: Why doesn't he just stuff them up his-- MIKE: Crow, no. CROW: I hate everyone in this story, Mike. Xena had made an offhand comment about how he might as well bury them, but he had another idea in mind. He'd build a shrine to the great women who'd changed his life. Yes. A shrine. He paused in his running to take off that stupid helmet he usually wore. He didn't think he'd be needing it anymore. TOM: Because Joxer was going to become..."FANBOY"!! EPILOGUE THE FOURTH: ALL: AAAAARRRGGHHHH!! MIKE: The Fourth Level of Hell... An Abandoned Archaeological Site, Greece, Crystal Era MIKE: The 30th Century, then? The jeep hit a pot hole in the road with a crash and bounced out again. The raven-haired woman at the wheel cursed mildly under her breath. The white-haired man in the passenger's seat whimpered in real pain at the jarring. "Papa! Are you all right!" she said to the man as she swerved to avoid a washout. CROW: You'd think that in the future we wouldn't need jeeps. "Yes, I'm all right," he wheezed. She turned to look at him with some concern. "We'll be there soon Papa, and I'll make sure you're comfortable before I get to work." TOM: [girl] Nudge, nudge...wink, wink. MIKE: Tom... CROW: Don't steal my lines!! "Hotaru-chan," Souichi Tomoe said weakly, "You shouldn't have to worry about this old man. You should have left me in Athens." MIKE: Okaaaaaay! This is about to go wrong, isn't it? "I'm very sorry to drag you out here Papa," Hotaru replied as the jeep whipped around a tight corner and started down toward the site of the notorious failed Covington Expedition, almost a thousand years before. ALL: [Star Wars announcer] In a Galaxy far, far away... Covington had theories that the site held the secrets of the ancient gods; unfortunately, the notorious tomb robber had been killed by Nazis before he could prove his theories. "But there are still some Dark Moon forces engaging in guerilla warfare, and with Europe Balkanized . . . TOM: [Hotaru] We can stock up on the savings!! it's better that you stay here with me. " She paused, and finished the last quietly, "I just wish I could properly protect you." CROW: [Hotaru] But if you get mowed down with a laser...well, that's life! "You've done more than enough," Tomoe replied sharply as the jeep came to a halt. "More than anyone could ask of you." MIKE: Okay...um...what? Hotaru stared straight ahead for several moments before she turned to him, her violet eyes clear. "I'd be lying if I said it had easy. Or fun. But if that bitch Galaxia hadn't broken my Glaive, broken my power . . . broken ME, I could have done something when our world was attacked! TOM: Is it just me, or are the two plots about to collide? Now I understand some of the old manga the Queen read as a girl a little better. I understand the relationship between power and responsibility. CROW: [Hotaru] Take, for example, the U.S. Congress. They have lots of power and little responsibility...so it kinda falls apart there, heh, heh...I'd better find another example... And I understand that even when the power goes away, the responsibility doesn't." She turned to look at the hillside and took a deep breath. TOM: [Hotaru] Ah, that fresh polluted air!! "And if something of the Saturn power is really here and I can re- awaken it, the Outer Senshi can be restored. Before someone ELSE tries to conquer Earth." MIKE: Brace for impact, guys... "Hotaru," Tomoe said. "I just have a very bad feeling about this." CROW: [Tomoe] Someone might have written a story about it!! "I know Papa. This might be risky. We don't know what might be buried here." She put on a big smile for his benefit. It always melted his heart. "But I'm lucky you're a scientist. I really will need your help with this," she said, speaking words that were truer than she ever DARED to imagine. MIKE: This story DARES you to read it!! EPILOGUE THE FIFTH: CROW: I would like to point out that never before have I seen a story with so many dangling plotlines that it needed five epilogues to clean them up. Thank you. Juuban District, Tokyo, Modern Era "Rei-chan," Usagi asked. "What are your dreams?" TOM: [Rei] Oh, same as you...no inclusion in Oscar-fics, no obsessed authors, more time with Tux, dump the geeky guys, and Ami getting a life. MIKE: [Ami] Hey!! The end. ALL: YAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOO!!! CROW: The two best words in bad fan-fiction. For now. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! MIKE: Let's get the hell out of here before he starts up again!! The screen fades to black. [All exit theater] [SoL-Bridge] [Streamers and confetti are adorning the bridge, as a large cake sits on top of the desk. On the cake are the words "Sayonara Sailor Xena!" MIKE and the BOTS are dancing the night away] BOTS: [singing] Saba na na...Saba na na...hey eyey...good-BYE!! [While the BOTS continue the song, MIKE dances with GYPSY. CAMBOT even rocks with the music, making it appear that the Bridge is rocking as well.] TOM: Yeah, baby!! It's all over!! CROW: Say goodbye to Aphrodite!! ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! MIKE: Sailor Xena! ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! TOM: That (*&%**$* Joxer!! MIKE: Tom... ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! CROW: Lame-o Serenity!! ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! TOM: And, of course, Minako "Gabrielle" "John Agar" Aino! ALL: A *BIG* FRIGGIN' BOOT TO THE HEAD! BWAH,HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [Unnamed Planet] PEARL: I love when they party like that!! Brain Guy, send them some more fics! OBSERVER: Right-o!! [wiggles head] [SoL-Bridge] [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! AAAAARGGGHHH!! [fade to credits] mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS moral support TRACY BUTLER ROB "Rob Man" SILVERS JESSE MORGAN TIM McLEES The gang at Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/Mstings.html original fanfic written by NIGHTMAN Mystery Science Theater 3000 is ©1997, 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for this is a harmless satire. Even to Nightman, who called me a condescending buffoon who doesn't know half of what he thinks he knows. Yeesh. But it's all over now!! The dragon is defeated!! Sailor Moon is copyright to Naoko T. and DIC. All rights reserved. Xena belongs to someone, I can't remember who. But I'm not making any dollars from this...I'm not in it fot money, I'm in it for the kicks!! This fanfic is the property of Nightman. Any jokes made on it are not intended to cause bodily harm, or insult anybody, okay? However, the story really is pretty interesting, and not all that bad, so I suggest you view it un-MSTed, too! You could read this fanfic in its original site at: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mredding/ Keep Circulating the Fics 20 April 1998 > "That love brings people together, and keeps them together, > and when the love is strong enough, it brings them back > together. Believe in that. It's all you have . . . and it's > a lot." Aphrodite vanished in another blast of light and > flower petals. > Coincidentally, Xena's bed was now covered in rose petals.