Masked Rider Vs. The Sailor Senshi By J.B. Graham (Kamen Rider Dragon) MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Well, folks, MSTing #5 is unlucky for all, as my target this time is a painful crossover between Masked Rider and Sailor Moon. Apparently, the author doesn't like Sailor Moon very much. WARNING: If you feel any allegiance to Japan whatsoever, or you are Japanese, the character "Dex" basically rips Japan a whole new one. You've been warned. [Roll Season 8 theme] [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL] [It is 'morning' on the Satellite of Love. MIKE is the first to appear on screen, in a nightcap and pajamas. He has a beard.] MIKE: Oh, hello, Mike Nelson here, and... [CROW and TOM enter left] MIKE: My little buddies Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. We're getting ready to eat breakfast. CROW: Yeah, sure, Mike. Just break out the RAM chips. MIKE: My, aren't we pushy. [yellow commercial light flashes] We'll be right back. [commercials] [SoL] [The BOTS are both resting blissfully. MIKE is eating a packet of something that looks like toothpaste.] MIKE: Yecch! Uh, just what *is* this stuff, guys? TOM: Oh, we've been noticing that you're getting a little pudgy, so we've put you on a compulsory diet! MIKE: What? Why didn't you tell me? CROW: Because, silly, people don't diet if they know they're eating diet food! MIKE: ...And you still haven't answered my question...what IS this stuff? TOM: Ummmmm...ehhh...it's just aged cheese spread... MIKE: *Aged* cheese spread? CROW: [sheepishly] Umm, you remember when we still had the Umbilicus? Well, I had Frank smuggle some cheese spread up here, but I fogot about it for a while...But it's supposed to be fat-free! MIKE: Five...hundred...years...?! [MIKE immediately runs off-screen. Sounds of retching can be heard in the background.] CROW: [Bill Cosby] Ooops. [Red MADs light flashes] TOM: Would you get that, Crow? CROW: [faux-proper] Why sure, Mister Servo. [hits button with his beak] [Playground Planet] [BOBO and OBSERVER are on a seesaw in background. In foreground, is none other than PEARL.] PEARL: Boy, just look at those two go...they're just like kids. [Unbeknownst to PEARL, the air on this planet causes people to age in reverse. During the time PEARL converses with SOL, BOBO and OBSERVER shrink a little.] PEARL: I guess you guys know what I'm going to do next... [SoL] TOM: [sarcastically] No! What? [PP] PEARL: I'm going to send you a fanfic, dimwit! Anyhoo, this time your little scratching post is an unwarranted crossover between Masked Rider and Sailor Moon, called "Masked Rider vs. the Sailor Senshi", duh! I've decided to try a different strategy to make you heave...no breaks! You'll be screaming for aspirin after this one!! The Crossover Express is now departing from Track 4, and you're on it! [pushes button] BOBO: [in background] I've gotta go pottie! [SoL] [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: WE'VE GOT CROSSOVER SIGN!!! TOM: GYM-KATA! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,*] MASKED RIDER vs. THE SAILOR SENSHI MIKE: [Shatner] Two enter...one leaves. WARNING:THIS PIECE OF FANFICTION WILL MAKE VERY LITTLE SENSE UNLESS YOU TOM: ...are someone who eats glue and inhales potato chips. HAVE AT LEAST A SLIGHT KNOWLEDGE OF THE MASKED RIDER AND SAILOR MOON TELEVISION SERIES' ,ASIDE FROM THAT, ENJOY. CROW: Yeah, sure. --------------------------------------------------------- WRITTEN BY:J.B. GRAHAM A.K.A."KAMEN RIDER DRAGON" A.K.A. " DOKENN SENTARI" MIKE: A.K.A. Totoro-San... CROW: A.K.A. Kachinga Magunda... TOM: A.K.A. Hakuna Mutata... --------------------------------------------------------- GENERALLY,THERE ARE TWO THINGS REQUIRED FOR THIS FANFIC,YOU MUST LOVE TOM: [as author] PAIN! AND LOTS OF IT!!!! MASKED RIDER ,AND AGAIN, HAVE SOME FATHOMING OF MASKED RIDER &STUPID- ER,I MEAN, SAILOR MOON. MIKE: Uh-oh...I smell anti-fic... AND NOW, SIT BACK, RELAX AND ENJOY THE FANFIC. --------------------------------------------------------- TOM: Traffic is light on the westbound 407 until the junction with 400... One peaceful day in Japan, a teenage tourist walks down the streets of Tokyo, he is sightseeing, and is generally being bored to death. CROW: So he's listening to one of Al Gore's speeches on a Walkman? Dex: Geez! I thought Japan was supposed to be interesting! This is ridiculous! This country stinks,and I have never seen such tacky clothing since I saw The Brady Bunch Movie! MIKE: Obviously, he's never seen G-Force. Unfortunately,five Japanese girls were within earshot of Dex's berating of Japan. TOM: [Sailor Scouts] Wow! That crossover was quick! We're not ready! Usagi: Did I just hear some kid knocking Japan? Rei: Yeah, and I think someone should go tell that guy off for talking like that! CROW: Go find Martha Stewart! Minako: Good Idea! You tell him,Rei! MIKE: So 'passing the buck' is a constant in every society. Rei: Well, actually, I think Makoto should do it, she's the smart one. ALL: Makoto smart? HAAHHAHAHA!!!! Makoto: I am not! Ami is! CROW: [Makoto] I'm the one with the job at Big Willie's House O' Sushi! Ami: I, uh, have some homework to do. MIKE: Ami Mizuno IS _MISS COPOUT_ TOM: Actually, she probably *does* have some homework to do. Rei: What?! Someone talks bad about Japan, and the rest of the Senshi are too wimpy to say a word? Fine,you bunch of chickens, I'll do it! CROW: Oh, no!!! They've been assimilated by Krankor!! MIKE: We wish. Rei stomps off from the group, and taps Dex on the shoulder. TOM: Hellooooo Sailor! Dex: Yes? Rei: Just who do you think you are, talking about Japan like that?! CROW: [Dex] Hey! It's just in the script! I've been hacked! Dex: Oh, I'm sorry, I did'nt know it was a Japanese custom to eavesdrop on tourists. MIKE: Actually, that's an American custom. Rei: I was not eavesdropping!! ALL: Was too! Was too! Dex: Hmm,maybe not, that tacky school uniform looks like it can really conduct sound. TOM: Owww. Rei: Errrrrrrrrghhh! THAT'S IT!! HIYA!!! CROW: [Rei] NOBODY insults my wardrobe!! Rei aims a kick at Dex's face,Dex grabs her leg and flips her to the ground. Rei gets up, and lunges at Dex, Dex steps aside, and the watches Rei smash a shop window with her body. TOM: Slapstick can be so fun, can't it? Dex: (claps):Bravo! Do you do that proffesionally? MIKE: [Rei] No, actually I'm an intern! But then, Dex sees the reaction to this by the other girls,and sensing if he stays he'll get blood all over the streets of Tokyo, he sprints towards a nearby deserted park. TOM: In *Tokyo*? Are you kidding me? MIKE: Don't worry about it. It's just a fanfic, so relax. Upon arrival at the park, Dex turns around to face the girls. Dex: Okay, if you ladies will back off now, I'll be willing to forget this whole thing. CROW: I'll forget to take my Gin-Sana tablets. Girls: (in unison):Never! TOM: ...more! Dex: (sigh):Fine, don't say I didn't warn you. MIKE: This is coming out of your insurance, baby! Usagi: You won't be around long enough to hear us say anything! Moon Star Power!! Rei: Mars Star Power!! Minako: Venus Star Power!! Makoto: Jupiter Star Power!! Ami: Mercury Star Power!! CROW: Wonder Twin powers... MIKE: That's enough, Crow. Dex watches uninterestedly as the five girls change into the Sailor Senshi. TOM: A man and two robots watch uninterestedly as an ultra-boring fic unfolds in front of them. Sailor Moon: On behalf of the moon we're going to punish you!! Sailor Mars: And Mars! Sailor Mercury: And Merc--- CROW: [Mercury] Hey, wait a minute! Why are we agreeing to let Sailor Moon punish *us*?!! MIKE: Grammar again? CROW: Yup. Dex: Enough! If you wan't to fight, just say so! Quit with the idiotic speech! TOM: Uh, yeah...You tell her, Dex. Sailor Moon: Well, anyway, we're going to punish you! MIKE: Tension mounts as the phrase "We're going to punish you" is repeated 500 times. Dex: Well,I've got just one thing to say to that. Sailor Moon: What? CROW: Chicken butt. Dex: Ekto phase,activate! ALL: EKTACHROME, DEVELOP! The Senshi watch in awe as Dex's belt buckle begins to glow, TOM: If Dick Morris were a superhero... and he is surrounded by a green aura of light, MIKE: [Dex] Well, that's what I get for playing at Three Mile Island. emerging from the aura as Masked Rider. CROW: [synthesized voice] MASKED RIDER. Masked Rider: Now, I'll sat this just once more, surrender! TOM: [Sailor Moon] An *SAT*? Oh,no!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! Sailor Moon: We're not going to surrender, you're going to fry! Moon Tiara Actionnnnnnn! MIKE: [director] Cut, cut, CUT! Usagi, you're trilling again! Lay off the booze, will ya? Sailor Moon throws her glowing tiara at blinding speed, directly at Masked Riders head. Masked Rider catches the tiara and drops it harmlessly to the ground. CROW: [Masked Rider] Don't frag me again. Masked Rider: Kid stuff! Is this the best you can do? I'm not even breaking a sweat! TOM: You know, this guy is starting to get annoying. MIKE: Maybe it's Pidge in disguise. Sailor Jupiter: Try this on for size! Supreme Thunderrrrrrrrrrrr!! CROW: [Beavis] Taco Supreme! TOM: [Butthead] Shut up, buttmunch. An antenna extends from Sailor Jupiters tiara, lightning engulfs her, and she fires a lightning blast at Masked Rider. MIKE: [Jupiter] Yeah! Try my new _Weather Channel_ Attack!!! Masked Rider dodges, but the force of the lightning knocks him to the ground. CROW: [announcer] Ooh, and that's gonna cost him points! Masked Rider: Uggghhh! Not bad, but not good either! TOM: [Masked Rider] It was mediocre, OK? Sailor Venus: Oh yeah? Eat this! Venus Love Me Chain! Sailor Venus hurls the chain at Masked Rider, he grabs the chain and pulls, sending Sailor Venus flying into a large tree. MIKE: [Venus, crying] But that's not fair! We always have the writers on our side!!! Masked Rider: And I love you too! ALL: Awwwwwwwww!!! Sailor Mars: OHHHHH! Prepare to die!!!!!! Burning Mandala! Sailor Mars hurls several fire rings at Masked Rider. CROW: Flying Pizza Wheels...AWAY!!! Masked Rider: Uh oh! Electrosaber activate! Masked Rider draws his sword, and slices the rings apart. TOM: BORING!!! Masked Rider: Now it's my turn! Sailor Moon: What does that mean? MIKE: Um, Sailor Moon, that means he's about to smite your ass. Masked Rider: Basically this, Aiyaaa! CROW: [Sailor Moon] Hey! My name's not Aiyaa!! Masked Rider leaps into the air, in a eagle kick manuever, and kicks Sailor Moon in the stomach. ALL: BOOOOOO!!! TOM: Okay, this *was* a *cute* concept before, but this is just so wrong on so many levels. MIKE: Apparently, Masked Rider is Mike Tyson in disguise. CROW: But then he would have to eat her ear, too. MIKE: Good point. Sailor Moon: Accck! Gasp! TOM: [Sailor Moon] Help! I'm being rubbed out! Could I get a little assistance? Masked Rider: Okay, Senshi, is knocking the wind out of your leader enough, or does this have to get serious? CROW: Mike, this is so wrong. MIKE: I know. TOM: Maybe Masked Rider will come across a "Take Back the Night" march, and they'll kick his butt. At that moment, a giant ship swoops down towards the Senshi. ALL: [hum keyboard song from _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_] Sailor Mars: Master Jubei has come to save us! Hop on everybody! CROW: He must work for "Tenchi's Baragin Contrivance Service". Sailor Moon: Ha Ha! So long for now, bugboy! Before Masked Rider can react,the ship picks up the Senshi,and carries them off. TOM: [darkly] To their doom! --------------------------------------------------------- Chapter Two --------------------------------------------------------- The next day, Dex ponders several questions. Who is this "Jubei"? Why is he helping the Senshi? Where in blazes can you get good pizza in Tokyo?! MIKE: [old Chinese mentor] Why do flowers grow? CROW: [Dex] Why am I still in this crummy fanfic? Dex wanders into a video arcade, hoping to find some decent entertainment. As he struggles with the games, wasting a whole lot of quarters, he is approached by a teenage Japanese boy, who taps him on the shoulder. TOM: [kid] Those sneakers are nice. [makes sound of knife being drawn] They'll have to come off. Dex: Yes? Boy: My name is Tsukuba, would you like me to show you how it's done? CROW: [Dex] Okay. Assume the position. MIKE: CROW! TOM: [shudders] Dex: Sure, you couldn't do any worse. CROW: [kid] Oh, I'm the only one in my school who didn't roll the score over on Pac-Man. Tsukuba takes over, and makes it to the 12th level, as Dex watches in awe of his skill. MIKE: [Dex] Wow! You're better than Albee! Dex and Tsukuba alternate playing, and both take a liking to each other. TOM: Sayyyyy... MIKE: Watch it, Tom. Tsukuba: Hey, Dex you're getting pretty good at this! Dex: Well, I'm the ace of the arcade back home, and once I got past reading Japanese, it was easy. CROW: Um, *why* would you study the language of a country you *hate* so much? Tsukuba: Well I'm out of quarters, besides, I have some guys I wan't you to meet. TOM: [gangster kid] Boys, leave us take Mr. Dex here for a little 'ride'. Dex: Sure. Dex and Tsukuba walk over to a table where four other boys sit,playing cards. MIKE: [random kid] Damn, Wally's got a great bluff. Tsukuba: Jou, Murasama, Ozi, Asou, this is Dex, he is an American, visiting Japan. ALL: Konichiwa! Jou: Welcome to our country,you must have a interesting personality,to have kept Tsukuba over there for two hours CROW: [Jou] 'Course, he spends most of his time staring at the dots on the television screens. Tsukuba: Two hours? Murasama: Yes, exactly, we timed you. TOM: [Murasama] You see, we have no life. Ozi: Well, to be precise, two hours and 53 seconds. Asou: Heh, you'll have to ignore him, he's the brain of our group. MIKE: [Ozi, mumbling] ...jerk... Ozi: And Asou is a considerably lower part. (mumbled) MIKE: Close enough. Tsukuba: Quit bickering! Listen, Dex we were going to go to Kabuki Theater and......... CROW: Pick off people from the balcony with an AK-47? TOM: Drop rabid chipmunks from the roof? MIKE: Sing British pub songs at the top of our lungs? Dex stops listening to Tsukuba as he see's an unwelcome sight, Usagi and her friends. TOM: This fanfic is an ugly sight. Dex: (Thinks):If there's a fight, these guys could get hurt, gotta act fast! CROW: I think that should be *gotta act*. MIKE & TOM: [snickers] Dex grabs Tsukuba by the arm, and pulls him towards the door. MIKE: [Dex, singing] Let's go, I like the night life, baby! Tsukuba: Hey, what are you doing? TOM: [Dex] Umm, I'm grabbing you by the arm, and pulling you towards the door. Read the script! Dex: I--uh, think we need some fresh Tokyo air! CROW: [Dex] I live for the smell of carbon monoxide!! Dex pulls Tsukuba out of the arcade, and does'nt stop till they're at the park. A few seconds later, the other boys arrive. MIKE: Wow! Such blazing speed! Jou: What's going on? First you drag off our freind, CROW: [Jou] Nobody steals my joints! and now some weird girls are chasing us. TOM: It's Marrissa's Kids' Crew! Ruuuuunnnnn!!! Dex: How far behind are they? Jou: About a block, but that doesn't answer my question. MIKE: You know, this concept of a crossover between Sailor Moon and Masked Rider was promising, but... CROW: I think I know what you're talking about... ALL: CROSSOVERS DON'T WORK!!! TOM: This message brought to you by the American Fanfic Association. Dex: I'll explain later, but now we've got to get out of here! We should have plenty of time. MIKE: [Dex] _Thundercats_ comes on at 4 now! Usagi: Wrong! MIKE: [Usagi] It comes on at 1 Pacific! Jou: How did you get here so fast? CROW: [Usagi] Oh, by our usual means of plothole. Usagi: Tokyo bus system is very efficent, but unfortunately, you won't be around long enough to use it ever again! TOM: [Dex] That's okay, I don't fancy the idea of being crammed next to someone with B.O. The girls transform into the Sailor Senshi, and Dex transforms into Masked Rider. MIKE: Here we go again. Masked Rider: Stand back guys, I'll handle this! Tsukuba: Heh,heh, I don't think so! Henshin, activate Sky Rider! CROW: Captain Contrivance...Away! Jou: Henshin, activate Kamen Rider Stronger! Murasama: Henshin, activate Kamen Rider ZX! Ozi: Henshin, activate Kamen Rider Super 1!! Asou: Henshin, activate Kamen Rider ZO!! CROW: Can we...please, Mike? MIKE: Oh, why not. CROW & TOM: Wonder Twin Powers...ACTIVATE! The Senshi's jaws drop in disbeleif at the sight of the transformations. TOM: [Ami] Hey, their transformations don't make them naked! Sailor Moon: (whining):No fair! Six against five! MIKE: [Sailor Moon] I can't count that high!!! As she spoke, a large buglike creature emerged from the bushes. TOM: ...Pat Buchanan makes an appearance. Sailor Mars: Ick! What is that! CROW: [large buglike creature] I'm getting revenge for my brethren! Eat me, you stupid human! Sky Rider: That's Shin Kamen Rider, he's a silent partner in our team. MIKE: [Sky Rider] Unfortunately, he takes 50% of our profits. Masked Rider: Well guys, I have to admit, you're full of surprises! CROW: Well, Masked Rider, I have to admit, you're full of BS! Sky Rider: That's part of the superhero biz, it comes with the territory. TOM: Now we will prepare to mark our territory. Sailor Moon: Enough chit-chat! On behalf of the moon---- Masked Rider: Yeah, yeah, you're gonna punish us, sure. MIKE: My word...He's getting to the corny transformations faster than we are! Sky Rider: We are the Japanese Kamen Riders! We have been wanting to find you troublemakers since you were syndicated! CROW: In hopes of making the story actually good, our dear author has now tried to break the fourth wall. TOM: Did it work? CROW: No. TOM: D'oh! Sailor Moon: You will not escape us! We are(strikes a pose) the Sailor Scouts! Kamen Rider ZX: Heh, heh, heh. Sailor Mars: Whats so funny?! MIKE: [Kamen Rider ZX] I see London, I see France, I see Sailor Scouts' underpants! Kamen Rider ZX: Wait 'til I tell people I saw some weird girl in a sailor suit striking poses in the middle of Tokyo park!(burst out laughing) [ALL start laughing] Sailor Moon: You'll pay for that! Moon tiara actionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Sailor Mars: Mars firrrree soulllll! CROW: Sailor Isaac Hayes...gooooooooodddd looooovvvinnnn!! Kamen Rider ZX dodges the combined attack. Masked Rider: Once again, my turn!!!! MASKED RIDER SUPER GOLD!!!!!!!!! Masked Rider transforms into the steel armored Super Gold. MIKE: Which means he has better security features than Netscape Gold. M.R. Super Gold: Rider punch!! M.R. Super Gold's fist collides with Sailor Mars, sending her flying into a tree, and knocking her out cold. ALL: BOOOOOOOO!!! TOM: Mr Graham, have you at long last no shame? Sky Rider: Rider blow!! CROW: Low blow! Sky Rider's powerful karate chop immobilizes Sailor Moon, and dislocates her shoulder. MIKE: Owww. TOM: I guess the fight's not going too well. Sailor Venus: How dare you treat the moon princess like that! Crescent Beammmm! The beam hits Sky Rider, sinjing his armor. CROW: How do you *sinj* something? Sky Rider leaps high into the air, dissapearing from sight. MIKE: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of CRAP! Sailor Venus, thinking she scared him off, walks over to the spot wher he had been standing. Sailor Venus: Ha! He--- Her words are cut off, as Sky Rider decends from the sky, right on top of her. TOM: Did this guy just rip off the Biff Tannen scthick or what? Sky Rider: Okay where'd she go?! Super Gold: Let's just say your gonna have to clean those boots! CROW: ROVER!!!! Bad Dog! MIKE: Crow, come on. Sailor Mercury: It's not over yet! Shining aqua illusionnnnn! The wall of water surrounds K.R. Super 1 TOM: Hunh. Well, it's an improvement over the soap bubbles. Super 1: Freezing hot hands!! The energy that shot from his hands either froze the water or boiled it, it's hard to say. TOM: Freezing...hot...hands... CROW: Careful, Tom, or you'll overload. Super 1: Now,this is for getting me wet!! Power hands!! MIKE: [Super 1] Now you'll see why I'm the best masseuse in town!! Super 1's hand touches Sailor Mercury, and she falls to ground, limp. At this sight,the rest of the Senshi surrender, and are bound with chains. TOM: WHAT? COME ON! THIS WAS *THE* LAMEST BATTLE SCENE I'VE EVER WITNESSED! BOY, GRAHAM! DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB! MIKE: Take it easy, Tom. CROW: Calm down, honey! Kamen Rider ZX: Now to finish this! using his concentrated bomb, he bores a hole in the ground that leads to a deep unescapeable cavern. TOM: He could have just used this fanfic to bore something. The Sensi are thrown in, and the hole is sealed. MIKE: [Kamen Riders] Man! That was easy! Super Gold: I don't understand one thing, who is this "Jubei"? ALL: WHO CARES? Kamen Rider ZX: I don't know, but he's with the Senshi, we've got to stop him, and fast! CROW: Duh! I've got it! He's Tux in disguise! --------------------------------------------------------- TOM: Traffic is backed up on the QEW between Hamilton and Oakville, use the 403 to detour. To be continued........................ ALL: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MIKE: Let's go, guys. [picks up TOM] [*,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone] [Playground Planet] [PEARL is now a child. She is running around chasing BOBO and the OBSERVER.] PEARL: Why...you...idiots!!! Did you even *read* the maps? Why did you navigate us here, you addle-pated ape? BOBO: Forgive me, Lawgiver! [PEARL hits him] Oww! It wasn't all my fault! It was *his* fault [points to OBSERVER]! OBSERVER: Was not! BOBO: Was too! OBSERVER: Was not! BOBO: Double was too! OBSERVER: Triple was not! BOBO: Was too squared! OBSERVER: Was too cubed! PEARL: Enough! When I get big again, I'm going to kick your sorry butts into next week! [commercials] [SoL Theater] Masked Rider Vs. Sailor Moon Part II CROW: A whole new way to love the same old crap! CREDITS: 1.Joey Leung and Marc Miyake,who's info was material to the first fanfic. TOM: Now I have two more people on my list to kill if I return to Earth. 2.Marc Nazal,who got me ticked off enough to write this. MIKE: He kept putting shaving cream in my sneakers! 3.Illumina,who inspired me to write part II CROW: For shame, Illumina! 4.Kamen Rider MX,who just sort of deserves a mention in the credits. TOM: [Graham] 'Cause I love shameless plugs! Masked Rider Vs. Sailor Moon By:Kamen Rider Dragon ALL: BOOOO! Edited by:Kamen Rider Dragon TOM: *Edited?* I think *not*! Rated:VBAFSM (Violence,blood and fried Sailor Moon) CROW: Also rated VLWA. MIKE: Which is? CROW: Very Lame Writing Ahead. ____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ MIKE: Cool! He has to protect his story with dashes! Masked Rider Vs. The Sailor Senshi Part II TOM: [elderly British] Well, get on with it. Get on with it! After leaving Tokyo,Dex continues his tour of Japan to Nagasaki. CROW: You'd think that if he hated Japan so much he would have left. Dex:Well,here I am,Nagasaki,the glow-in-the-dark capitol of the world. MIKE: Tee hee! Aren't those lame cheap shots funny? TOM: You are joking, right? Tsukuba:Hey! What happened here was a tragedy! Dex:Sorry,just a joke. TOM: [Tsukuba, sarcastic] Get Victor Borge out here. Tsukuba:Apology accepted. It's a good thing I accompanied you,after what happened in Tokyo- CROW: [Tsukuba]...with the hamsters, and the syrup... MIKE: Crow... Dex:Oh come on,Tsukuba! We fried the Senshi! Tsukuba:I know,but menaces like the Senshi are not usually so easily dealt with TOM: [Tsukuba] Yeah! Usually they have the writers on their side! Usagi:Menace? That's sounds like a battle cue to me! Tsukuba:Told you. MIKE: [Tsukuba] Nyah nyah! Dex:Oh,don't rub it in. Hey! Wait,I saw you fry yourself with your own tiara! How can you be here?! CROW: [Usagi] Oh, by our usual means of plothole. Usagi:What you destroyed were Senshi clones Ami built so we could sit around and do nothing. ALL: WHAT?!!! TOM: Allright, I can live with little-bitty improbable escape contrivances, and even ordinary plot conveniences, but this is too much! That was absolutely the WORST cop-out of a plot point I HAVE EVER HEARD! MIKE: Settle down, Tom, it'll be okay. CROW: You okay, hon? Rei:Which wouldnt've been a change for you. Usagi:Shut up,Rei. CROW: I'll give Graham this: he does have Rei's character down. Minako:Besides,if those had REALLY been us,youd've lost! Dex:Uh huh,yeah,you would've hurt me with your little tiara. Usagi:I don't even need my tiara to take care of you!! Hiya!! TOM: [Oscar] SAIYA-JIN POWER! MIKE: Tom, don't make me hurt you. Usagi attempts to eagle-kick Dex. CROW: Now Usagi's out of character! She'd be afraid of breaking a nail! Dex:Aiya!! (blocks and strikes Usagi) TOM: BOOO! MIKE: I don't know, guys, but this is just so wrong! Usagi:That's it!! Moon Star Powerrrrrrrrr! MIKE: [Blue Falcon] Blue Falcon... CROW: [Dynomutt] and Dog Wonder... BOTH: Awaaaaaayyyyy! The rest of the Senshi follow suit,and transform. CROW: [random Rider] Dude! They're like, naked! Sailor Moon:Now,on behalf of the Moon-- Dex:Yeah,yeah,I've heard it all before,cut to the chase. Sailor Moon:Okay,we're going to punish you! MIKE: You know, I'm tired of hearing "I'm going to punish you". CROW: 'Course, we could be listening to Jim Stafford singing. [ALL shudder] Dex:Right,navy girl. Ekto Phase Activate!! TOM: [Robin] Atomic Batteries to power...Turbines to speed... Dex tranforms into the mighty insectoid,Masked Rider! ALL: Hooray. Tsukuba,assuming his henshin(transformation) pose,transforms into Sky Rider. CROW: Here we go again. Sky Rider:We beat your stupid clones,and we'll beat you too! Sky Rider Bl- Masked Rider:Ahem,aren't you forgetting something? MIKE: [Sky Rider] Oh, did I forego my undergarments again? TOM: There's an image I can do without. Sky Rider:Oh,yeah,it's your code of honor not to fight before giving them a chance to surrender,right? Masked Rider:Right. We give you one chance to surrender! CROW: [Masked Rider] Standard union rules. Feh! Sky Rider:Now listen while they all shout "NEVER!!!" Senshi:(in unison):NEVER!!! MIKE: Even the characters are commenting on this fic's predictability!! Masked Rider:Boy,you can really call it,Tsukuba. Sky Rider:It's a gift I have. TOM: A 'gift' in the sense that *herpes* is a 'gift'. Masked Rider:Anyway,then we are forced to destroy you! CROW: [Masked Rider] ..so there. Sailor Moon:We'll see about that! Moooonnnnnn Tiaraaaa Actionnnnnnn! TOM: I'm beginning to run out of transformation riffs! Sailor Moon throws her tiara,and Masked Rider deftly steps aside. ALL: [muted trumpet noise] WAH WAH WAAAAAH!! Sailor Moon:WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!How come that never works?! #$%@#! MIKE: Exactly how I feel. Masked Rider:Because you take five minutes to say it! I mean, by the time you were done with "Moon",Sky Rider would have already been behind you,ready to knock you out cold with one punch! Sailor Moon:Really? Sky Rider:(behind Sailor Moon):Yes,really! Sky Rider Blow!!!!! Sky Rider's knife hand blow sends Sailor Moon flying into a shrine. ALL: BOOOO! HISS! MIKE: You know this is usually one of the funniest gags. But you know what? TOM: What? MIKE: It's not funny here. Sailor Venus:I'll take care of you! Venus-Love-Me-Chain! An incredibly dorky-looking chain of hearts forms around Sailor Venus and she hurls it at Sky Rider. Sky Rider ducks,and the chain wraps around Sailor Mercury's neck. TOM: Owwww... MIKE: I think Mr. Graham has some issues with women. Sailor Mercury:(choking):Accck!Get me out of this,Minako! Sailor Venus:Oh no! I'm coming,Ami! CROW: [laughs like Beavis] TOM: MIIIKE! [MIKE backhands CROW, who stops laughing.] CROW:[now normal] Whoo! I needed that! Masked Rider and Sky Rider turn their attention to Sailors Mars and Jupiter, who are helping Sailor Moon up. TOM: [Jupiter] Come on, just give me another couple of rounds...you've got him on the ropes, kid! Masked Rider:(speaks into wrist communicator):Chopper! Rev up! Masked Rider's powerful talking Combat Chopper bike teleports onto the scene. MIKE: Just like this OOC Masked Rider to bring a Chopper to a catfight. Chopper:I'm with you,boss! CROW: [Chopper] At least that's what's in the script, you jerky. Masked Rider jumps onto Chopper and rides toward Sailor Mars. TOM: What's the point? It's not like she's a mile away or anything. Masked Rider:(hits Sailor Mars):Shall we dance? MIKE: I think we have just reached the low point of all fanfiction. Sky Rider:Nice job,but watch this! Sky Rider leaps into the sky,and comes down moments later,glowing with power. CROW: Cool! He's going to Stage 3! Sky Rider:In case you did'nt know,I accumulate energy descending from the air! Masked Rider:Cool. Sky Rider:I'm not done yet! Sky Rider kick!! TOM: [Dave Madden] Wide Right! Sky Rider's kick hits Sailor Jupiter squarely in the stomach. MIKE: I'm very uncomfortable with this gratuitous violence towards women. Sailor Jupiter:(coughs up blood):That d-did'nt h-hurt. GASP! CROW: This fanfic just keeps reaching lower levels every minute. TOM: Next time, I think I'd rather see an Oscar fic. MIKE: You'd better bite your tongue, buddy. TOM: I don't have a tongue. Sailor Mars:Big mistake! Marrrrrss Firrrrrreeee Soulllll! CROW: Croooooooowwww Fiiiiirreeeee Auuuuttthhhoooorrrr! Sky Rider caught off guard,gets hit by the fireball,knocked to the ground,and his armor is badly sinjed MIKE: I guess that makes Sky Rider a *sinja*. BOTS: [groan] Sailor Mars:Yes! Ha! I finally got him! Now to finish it! Burning Mand- Her words are cut off by Sky Rider's fist constricting around her neck. TOM: [Mars] Hey! Who do you think you are? Joe Jackson? Sky Rider:You little brat!! I just had this armor polished!!!(squeezes tighter) CROW: [Sky Rider] It cost me ¥300! Sailor Mars:(choking):Acccckk! Okay,I'm aaaaacck! sorry I hit you,now(gurgle) could we maybe discuss this over an espresso or accccck! something? Sky Rider:NO!!!! SKY RIDER BLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIKE: Geesh! What a jerk! TOM: This whole fic is one big domestic abuse story. At such close range,the blow breaks every bone in Sailor Mars' body,and she falls limp to ground. CROW: [foaming at the mouth] OKAY! THAT'S IT! LEMME AT GRAHAM! I'LL BREAK EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY! BRING ME A REVENGEFIC!!! MIKE: Crow, you're scaring me. TOM: This part's almost over, buddy! Hang in there! (Enter Tuxedo Kamen) MIKE: [Tux, as Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the daaay!!! Tuxedo Kamen:How dare you do that to my girlfriend!! You will pay for that! CROW: [Tux] And I don't take American Express. Tuxedo Kamen throws a rose into the ground next to Masked Rider. TOM: BANZAI!! Masked Rider:Who are you? The Tuxedo Rose Throwing Dweeb-Boy? Tuxedo Kamen:No! I'm,(strikes a pose)Tuxedo Kamen! Masked Rider:HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Right,you look like Japan's answer to Barney! HA HA HA HA HA! [ALL Weakly laugh] MIKE: Y'know, maybe Mr. Graham here is a writer for one of the network sitcoms. Tuxedo Kamen Throws a rose directly at Masked Rider's chest,and being as as how Masked Rider is wearing thick armor,it bounces right off him. TOM: Funny, that. Just then,Jubei's ship descends from the sky,it's weapons aimed at our intrepid heroes! CROW: Who? The Sky Riders or the Sailor Scouts? MIKE: Crow, take a lucky guess. Yikes! A cliffhanger! Stay tuned for Part III,"Masked Rider vs.The Sailor Senshi,The Final Battle!" TOM: Same CRAP time, same CRAP channel! CROW: Wow, this fic is like having hemmhoroids removed by Stevie Wonder. MIKE: That was low. CROW: Yeah, but it won't get as low as this fic. TOM: Amen to that. [All exit.] [Commercials] To be continued?... MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS original fanfic written by J.B. GRAHAM (a.k.a. KAMEN RIDER DRAGON) Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. Sailor Moon is the property of DIC and some people in Japan somewhere. Masked Rider is property of Saban (shudder). All rights reserved. This story is the property of one J.B. Graham, who should really go to some domestic violence therapy. This MSTing is a work of fiction based upon another work of fiction. I'm not in this for money, I'm in it for the kicks. > Sailor Venus, thinking she scared him off, walks over to the spot > wher he had been standing. > Sailor Venus: Ha! He--- > Her words are cut off, as Sky Rider decends from the sky, > right on top of her. Keep circulating the fics 10 November 1997