A PacMan Christmas MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Well, in tune with the holiday spirit, I am MSTing this pile of compost known as Pac-Man...the animated series. And you though Captain N was bad enough. Again, special thanks go out to Michael Bilica, who transcripted this episode for me. Thanks a lot, gov! Well, let's roll with MSTing #8! [Roll Season 8 Theme] [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [Nightime on the SOL, and it is really X-MAS like inside. Holiday lights are strung everywhere, a few fake candles are atop the desk, and all is quiet. Then, the red MADs light flashes. Nobody answers. The light flashes. Nobody answers. The yellow Commercial sign light flashes.] [commercials] [Winged Minibus of Doom] PEARL: Where the sam scracth are they? Huh? Answer me, you dolts!!! [PEARL smacks BOBO] BOBO: Oh...haugh...forgive me, Lawgiver! I'm sure they'll get up! OBSERVER: I gather that they are still asleep. I will take care of that. [OBSERVER concentrates for a moment. MIKE, CROW, and TOM suddenly appear on the bridge of the SOL.] [SoL] TOM: Aaah...WHAT THE HELL?!!! MIKE: Hey! What's going on here? [WMoD] PEARL: [angrily] So! You little twerps are going to sleep in and ignore me, huh? Well, I'll take care of that! I'm sending you the worst holiday special that I can find...[sheepishly] at this time...[PEARL turns to BOBO] PEARL: BOBO! Go get that...that Pac-Man thing. BOBO: Right, Lawgiver...Hoo hoo! PEARL: For your carelessness, Nelson, your little visual feast tonight is the Pac-Man Christmas Special! More pain than you could ever imagine! BWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!...Send it up, Bobo. BOBO: Gooooing up! [pushes "Send Movie" button.] [SoL] TOM: Geez! She burned us again!!! Cripes! MIKE: Well, it could be worse...She could send us another lemon. CROW: Don't give anyone and ideas, Mike. TOM: But she promised she wouldn't send us any more movies over the break!! [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: WE'VE GOT ATARI SIGN!!! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,*] > (Opening: Pac-Land is covered in snow. Pan up to the night sky as the title > appears. TOM: [singing] Hark, the herald angels sing...why the hell we have to watch this thing... MIKE: Tom, relax. It'll go down a little easier if you do. > A familiar minature sleigh, pulled by eight familiar tiny reindeer >(oddly enough, Rudolph is amongst them), flies by the moon.) CROW: Oh, no! They're doing a crossover with E.T.! TOM: No, it's just a stolen cliché. > SANTA: Ho ho ho! Rudolph! Dancer! Put the pedal to the metal, fellas! > We've got a whole planet to cover, and only a few hours to do > it!(Rudolph looks back at him and winks in acknowledgement. MIKE: [as Rudolph, to other reindeer] Okay, once we reach cruising altitude, we dump the fat guy. > Santa hits a few keys on his onboard computer, and some names > appear on the screen.)It's a good thing my Christmas list is > computerized, or I'd never get the job done on time! CROW: [Santa] I'm on the cutting edge! My computer has over 200 bytes of RAM! > Ho ho > ho!(the reindeer fly low over the treetops. MIKE: And are promptly pulled over for airspace regulations. > Several shots of > houses in Pac-Land, then zoom behind Pac-Man's house. Pac-Man > is making snow replicas of the ghosts TOM: Uhh...wha? > as Ms. Pac-Man, his dog > Chomp-Chomp, and his cat Sourpuss, look on.) CROW: Yeah, I'd be a sourpuss too if I was in *this* show. > PAC-MAN: Ah! There ya go, Pac-Baby! Your own snow ghost monsters to > practice chomping on!(Looks at the spot where Pac-Baby was) MIKE: [Pac-Baby] I wanna be a murderer, just like my pops!! > MS. PAC-MAN: (Looks around)Pac-Baby? Where are you? > PAC-MAN: Oh no!(A giant snow replica of the Pac-Man in our arcades plows > through the snow ghosts, then turns towards them. They run > behind a tree for safety. CROW: No! Run diagonally! The game can't do *that*! > The Pac-Man slams into the tree and > crumbles away to reveal Pac-Baby on a tricycle.) TOM: Man! That's one strong kid! > PAC-BABY: (Gurgling)Pac-Baby love ghost-sicles!(Ms. Pac-Man picks him up) > PAC-MAN: Heh heh heh! Yessir, my kid's a real chomp off the old block! > (Pats Pac-Baby on the head and takes him from Ms. Pac-Man's > arms) MIKE: Two words: Juvenile delinquent. > MS. PAC-MAN: C'mon, Paccy, let's take Pac-Baby for a toboggan ride!(They > enter the toboggan, which looks more like a snowmobile) CROW: [Pac-Man] Toboggan...snowmobile. Same difference. > PAC-MAN: All aboard for the Pac-Family express! TOM: [Pac-Man] Stopping in Buffalo...Rochester...Syracuse...Albany... Poughkeepsie...and New York. > PAC-BABY: Woo-woo!(Chomp-Chomp and Sourpuss push them to get them going, > then jump on. Meanwhile, the ghosts are singing, not more than a > swallow's flight away.) > CLYDE: Jingle bells, MIKE: ...This show smells... > jingle bells... > BLINKY: Jingle all the way... > PINKY: Oh what fun it is to chomp... > INKY: On Pac-Man every day! CROW: [Inky] I prefer Garcia y Vega myself. > CLYDE: (Holds up his arm)Hold it! I think I heard something!(Stops, and > everyone but Sue runs into him) > SUE: You heard osmething all right! The sound of rattling ghost > brains! TOM: Hey! They've done a crossover with Sailor Moon! > CLYDE: Shh! There's someone over the next hill!(They look over the > hill, nad see Pac-Man and his family on their "toboggan.") > INKY: Oh, look! It's them Pac-creeps! MIKE: [Inky] They're creeps 'cause they didn't fail English class like I did! > CLYDE: Yeah! And now would be the perfect time to chomp 'em! Come to > think of it, ANY time's the perfect time to chomp 'em!(Laughs. > The ghosts line up again and give chase.) TOM: They can't just scatter? CROW: Tom, remember, this is an Atari cartoon. > PAC-BABY: Whee, heh heh! > PAC-MAN: Some ride, huh, Pac-Baby? > INKY: You ain't seen nothin' yet! MIKE: [Inky] I just might talk correctly! > MS. PAC-MAN: (Gasps)The ghost monsters!(Chomp-Chomp and Sourpuss bark and > hiss at the ghosts) TOM: Cute...NOT!! > PAC-MAN: Hang on! I'm putting this here toboggan into warp speed!(The > toboggan zooms away) CROW: [Shatner] Mr. Sulu...engage. > CLYDE: Down the hill... > INKY: And after that bum! > PINKY: Look out, Pac-Man... > SUE: 'Cause here we come! MIKE: Y'know, these guys are pretty annoying. > (Pac-Man cuts a winding path through the > trees, with the ghosts in hot pursuit) TOM: This is still better than the chase scene in _Mitchell_. CROW: Yeah, I'll drink to that. > MS. PAC-MAN: Paccy! Look out! > PAC-MAN: Uh-oh!(Sees a cliff ahead)End of the line!!!(The toboggan flies > off the cliff, sending them sprawling into the snow.) > MS. PAC-MAN: Oh, what'll we do now! Without some power pellets, those ghost > monsters will chomp us for sure! MIKE: [Ms. Pac-Man] Boy! I wish Atari had cheat codes! > PAC-MAN: Wait, we're in luck! There's an emergency power pellet box!(Runs > over to it an opens it)Ohh, it's empty! ALL: WAAAH! WAAAH!! WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! >(The ghosts are behind > them. Inky is holding the power pellets.) > INKY: Looking for these? > SUE: Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! TOM: Oooh. That stung. > PAC-MAN: We may not have any power pellets, but we got plenty of > snowballs!(Packs together a snowball and throws it right into > Clyde's face. Everyone starts throwing snowballs at the ghosts.) > INKY: Oh yeah? Two can play at this game!(Starts throwing the power > pellets at them) > CLYDE: Inky, no! You're throwing the power pellets! CROW: I think Inky might be one of those kinda people who pass snowplows on the right. > MS. PAC-MAN: And we're munchin' 'em!(Everyone eats the power pellets and > starts glowing) > PAC-BABY: Mmm, monster-munchies!(The ghosts turn purple) > GHOSTS: P-P-P-PAC-POWER!!!(Scramble) ALL: Wonder Twin Powers...ACTIVATE!!! > INKY: Yaaaah!(Pac-man chases Blinky and Clyde) > CLYDE: I wouldn't chase us if I were you, Pac-Man! Haven't you read the > new warning?(Shows Pac-Man the warning) CROW: It reads: Converting video games to television format always results in a crappy show. > PAC-MAN: Hmm. "Caution: The Ghost Monster General has determined that > CHOMPING is hazardous to your health." Oh yeah? Well maybe you > haven't read MY new warning! It's right here!(Shows them his > tongue. They look at the warning) > BLINKY: I-i-I can't read the fine print!(They look closer...and Pac-Man > chomps them. TOM: Natural selection at work. > Their eyes fly away.) > PAC-MAN: In case you missed it, it says, "Never look a Pac-Man in the > mouth!"(Meanwhile, Sue and Inky are running in terror) MIKE: [Sue and Inky] We *hate* self-knowing smarm!! > INKY: Pinky! Sue! Hold up!(Runs into them)I know how to get us out of > here fast!(Reaches in his "pockets," and pulls out a fishbone, > then an 8-ball, then a tennis racquet)Ah, here it is! Now to > serve us into the next county!(Whacks Pinky, sending him > screaming into Ms. Pac-Man's mouth) CROW: Uh?...Oh. > MS. PAC-MAN: 15-Love!(Inky whacks Sue into Pac-Man's mouth) > PAC-MAN: 30-Love!(Inky whacks himself into Pac-Baby's mouth) TOM: Puppy love! > PAC-BABY: Pac-Baby love ghost monsters!(Slurps as the ghost eyes fly away) > MS. PAC-MAN: So long! > PAC-MAN: Be seeing ya! > PAC-BABY: Bye-bye, ghost guys! MIKE: I'm sorry, but this is incredibly annoying. >(Meanwhile, Santa is still flying through the night sky.) CROW: We now return to the background plot, already in progress. > SANTA: Pick up the pace, Prancer! Faster, Comet, faster! We're falling > behind schedule!(The ghost eyes fly in the way of the reindeer, > causing them to rear up on their hind legs, shaking up the > sleigh.)Woah!(The reindeer damage the link to the sleigh)Woah! > (The toys fall from the sleigh, which also falls)Woah! TOM: Better get Maaco!! >(commercials) CROW: We *wish*. >(The sleigh is still falling, and Santa is still repeating "Whoa!" Two other > citizens of Pac-Land, Morris and Officer O'Pac, witness this, as well as Ms. > Pac-Man.) MIKE: *Officer O'Pac*? Are they kidding me? TOM: Even Atari can't escape stereotypes. > MS. PAC-MAN: Paccy! What is it? > PAC-MAN: I don't know, but it's headed this way! Duck!(They duck) CROW: [singing] Duck...and cover... > SANTA: Brace yourselves! We're going to crash!(The reindeer smash a > tree limb then run straight into another tree and crash. Santa > is unconscious. The ghost eyes look on.) MIKE: [Santa, thinking] That's the last time I fly Northwest. > PINKY: Wow! > BLINKY: What was that? > PAC-MAN: Wow! I've never seen anything like it!(Everyone walks over to > the crash site) > MS. PAC-MAN: Maybe it's a UFO! CROW: Maybe it *wasn't*! Does everything have to be a UFO? > PAC-MAN: Yeah! Look at that wierd alien with the hairy face and the red > spacesuit! TOM: Paccy, Pot. Kettle. Black. > PAC-BABY: Awww, poor little animals!(Crawls over to Rudolph) > MS. PAC-MAN: Pac-Baby, watch out! > PAC-BABY: Hello!(Pats Rudolph on the nose. Ms. Pac-Man pulls him away) MIKE: [Ms. Pac-Man] Oh, he's got lotsa reindeer germs, donchaknow! > MS. PAC-MAN: Careful! He could be dangerous!(Morris and Officer O'Pac arrive) > O'PAC: What's all the ruckus now?(They see the wrecked sleigh) > MORRIS: Poppin' power pellets! TOM: Oh. That would explain a lot, then. > An invader from Mars!(Santa comes to) > MS. PAC-MAN: I think they need help, Paccy!(Walks over to Santa)Um, are you okay? CROW: [Santa] Gee, lady, I just had a concussion! What do *you* think? > SANTA: I think so! Where am I? > MS. PAC-MAN: You're in Pac-Land! MIKE: Just southwest of Honolee! > SANTA: Pac-Land? That's funny. I've been all over the world, and I > don't remember hearing of Pac-Land. TOM: Don't worry. Neither did we. > Oh, my, speaking of world, > I must be way behind schedule! I've got to get cracking!(Gets > back in the sleigh and whips the reins. CROW: Hey! Hey! Animal abuse, right there! > The reindeer stuggle, > but are stuck in the snow.) MIKE: [Santa] Oh, come on! You guys have been to North Dakota before!! > Oh, it's no use. What I need is a > flying tow truck, and all my elves are off for the evening! TOM: How convenient. CROW: I sudddenly have a great sense of foreboding. > (Sneezes) > PAC-BABY: Bless you!(Laughs) MIKE: [Pac-Baby] God, sickness is just *so* funny to me! > MS. PAC-MAN: Uh-oh. What you need is a warm fire and nome power pellet cocoa. >(Later, at the Pac-Man residence...) TOM: The Pac-family was totally baked. >(The reindeer are huddled in front of a fire. Santa is in an easy chair, > drinking cocoa) > SANTA: Mmm-mmm! This stuff sure is good! Thank you, uhh... > MS. PAC-MAN: Ms. Pac-Man. But you can call me Pepper! CROW: [Santa] Oh, good. Well, go undercover then. > PAC-MAN: But, say, who are you, anyway? And what are you behind schedule > for? > SANTA: You mean you really don't know? Why, I'm Santa Claus, and I'm > late with my Christmas delivery! > PAC-MAN: Christmas? TOM: [Pac-Man] I'm an atheist! > MS. PAC-MAN: What's that? > SANTA: You've never heard of Christmas? Why, it's the most wonderful > time of the year! It's the season of giving, and recieving! MIKE: And Tickle-me dolls, and ringing cash registers, and food drives, and greedy little hell-spawn children who won't let GO OF YER' FRIGGIN NECK IF YA DON'T BUY THEM THE REALLY COOL TOY THAT LITTLE BOBBY HAD DOWN THE STREET! TOM: Gee, bitter much, Mike? > (Shots of everyone smiling)A time of peace on earth and good > will towards man!(Chomp-Chomp and Sourpuss exchange a glance) CROW: [Chomp-Chomp/Sourpuss] Hey! What about *us*, you dolts? > PAC-MAN: Christmas sure sounds wonderful, all right. We've never had > anything like that in Pac-Land. > SANTA: Now you see why I must get airborne! I've got a long list of > good little boys and girls who I've got presents for!(Gasps)My > bag of toys!(Runs over to the window)I must've lost them in the > crash! TOM: [Santa] Oh, blasted plot points! > Oh dear, thw world's counting on me! I've never missed > a Christmas yet! > MS. PAC-MAN: Gosh, this is awful, Paccy! > PAC-MAN: Ah, well don't worry, Santa! We'll save Christmas for ya! MIKE: [Pac-Man] We have to. That's what is supposed to happen in stories like this. > SANTA: But, my sleigh! The reindeer! > MORRIS: We'll fix your sleigh! CROW: [Morris] For a modest fee, of course. > MS. PAC-MAN: And I'll have your reindeer purring by the time it's ready! TOM: ...the hell? Reindeer don't purr!! > SANTA: But what about the presents? Without them, my reindeer and > sleigh won't be of any use! MIKE: [Santa] And then, it's glue factory time! CROW & TOM: [as reindeer] EEEEKKK!!! > PAC-MAN: Haha! Just leave everything to me!(Santa strokes his chin) MIKE: Which one? BOTS: Oooh. TOM: You're getting coal in your stocking. >(Soon...) CROW: This show will be over. TOM: Hopefully. > (Morris and Officer O'Pac have started fixing the sleigh. Pac-Man is leaving > with Chomp-Chomp.) MIKE: Uhh, shouldn't O'Pac be out on patrol or something? Just a thought, being that he is a *police* officer, after all... > SANTA: Be careful, Pac-Man! > PAC-MAN: Don't worry, Santa! We'll have you back in the air before > midnight!(Chomp-Chomp barks as they leave) TOM: [Pac-Man] Or else you'll turn into a pumpkin!! MIKE: Let's go, guys. [ALL exit theater] [commercials] [SoL Bridge] [CROW and TOM are behind the desk, with an Atari video game system. MIKE walks in.] MIKE: Hey, guys...what's up? CROW: Oh! We were inspired by today's expiriment! That's why we have created the new show "A Pong Christmas"!! MIKE: A *Pong* Christmas? TOM: Yeah, I know it doesn't sound promising at first, but watch, and you'll see how good it is!! [CROW switches on Atari. Pong starts up.] MIKE: Okay...and? CROW: Uhh, just grab that joystick right there...yeah, Mike. Okay. TOM: Okay...and...Action!! [MIKE just holds the joystick. Of course, nothing happens.] MIKE: Aw, come on! Nothing's happening! CROW: Here. Allow me! [takes joystick from MIKE] TOM: Ready, Crow? [TOM has a hookup to the Atari's serial port.] [Soon, the game starts. At first, it's regular beeping...but then, the beeping is done to the tune of "Jingle Bells", and then "Silent Night", and finally "O Christmas Tree".] MIKE: Oh. That's cute, guys. [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: ...but WE'VE GOT CARTOON SIGN!!! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,*] >(Meanwhile...) >(The ghost eyes head back to their shack. They enter through a stove pipe, > coughing as they go. They go in their clothes drawer, Inky comes out wearing > socks instead of his ghost suit.) > INKY: Ooh! I never knew I had such big feet! MIKE: [Inky] I never knew I *had* feet! > CLYDE: Get into your ghost suit before you get a REAL sock! > INKY: Whoa!(Goes back in and comes out wearing his ghost suit. They > join everyone else at the table.) > SUE: I'm getting sick and tired of that Pac-nerd always getting the > best of us! CROW: [Sue] Even though that's what we're being paid for. > CLYDE: Yeah! What we need is a taste of sweet revenge! > INKY: Yeah! I say we net him--like THIS!(Throws a net over Clyde) > CLYDE: Hey! > BLINKY: And then we can drench him in chocolate sauce, like this!(Pours > chocolate sauce on Clyde) TOM: Hey! They've got a chocolate fetish! > CLYDE: What?!(Spits and gurgles) > PINKY: And then we can chomp all over him--like THIS!(He, Inky, and > Blinky chomp Clyde. His eyes stare at them angrily) MIKE: [stoner] Man. This is, like, really freaky, man! > BLINKY: (Grins speepishly, and put what's left of Clyde's ghost suit on > him)Uhh, we didn't mean it, Clyde!(They scream as Clyde shakes > off the chocolate sauce and gives chase) CROW: [Clyde] You bloody cannibals!! >(Soon...) TOM: How soo...oh, forget it. >(Pac-Man and Chomp-Chomp are searching for Santa's sack.) > PAC-MAN: Whoa...boy...we've gotta find that bag of toys, Chomp-Chomp! > (Looks back)Chomp-Chomp?(Chomp-Chomp is tunneling through the > snow, and runs into a pole. MIKE: Obligatory slapstick scene. > He emerges from the snow, barks, and > goes back under)Good boy! CROW: [Pac-Man] You found a pole! Good job! > Now follow that trail!(Meanwhile, Sue > and Clyde search for Pac-Man in a sleigh pulled by Inky, Pinky, > and Blinky. The ghosts are singing.) > CLYDE: Dashing through the snow... TOM: [singing] This cartoon really blows... > BLINKY: O'er the fields we go... > PINKY: In a three-ghost-monster sleigh... CROW: [singing] We wish this show would go away... > INKY: Laughing all the way, ho, ho, ho! > SUE: Hold it, fellas! I think I saw something!(They stop, and the > sleigh runs them over. [ALL weakly laugh] MIKE: Y'know, I can't imagine why The New Adventures of Pac-Man never came out. > Sue pulls Clyde towards what she saw.)It > was over here somewhere! There it is! > CLYDE: Yeah! But what is it? > PINKY: Ah, it's just an old sack! > INKY: Yeah! And all it's got in it is a bunch of toys! Toys?!(The > ghosts look inside and see the toys) TOM: Um, to interject a little bit of logic here...wouldn't the toys have fallen all over the place when they came off the sleigh? MIKE: You mean, you've actually tried to follow the story? > GHOSTS: TOYS!(Pull the toys out)YIPPEE!!! TOYS, TOYS, TOYS!(They start > playing with the toys) > CLYDE: Ha ha, we struck it rich! CROW: [Clyde] Look at all these Tickle-me dolls! We can sell them for $400 apiece!!! > (Meanwhile, Pac-Man is still > searching) TOM: [Pac-Man] Because I HAVE to pad the show. > PAC-MAN: Oh...we've just got to find those toys, Chomp-Chomp!(Hears the > ghosts shouting)Hmm. Sounds like someone's having a good time. > (He and Chomp-Chomp look over a hill and see the ghosts)Oh no! > The ghost monsters have found Santa's sack of toys! MIKE: And now there won't be anything for the little girls and boys! > We've gotta > figure a way to get it back!(Chomp-Chomp barks and starts > digging)Oh, great idea, Chomp-Chomp! We'll burrow our way under > the snow, and grab the sack! CROW: Even though I know that that would only work in a cartoon, I still don't buy it! > (They start burrowing. Chomp-Chomp > emerges right next to the sack, and barks. Clyde and Inky are > fighting over a game.) > INKY: Hey! That's mine! > CLYDE: I saw it first!(They lose their grip on the box, and it lands > right next to the spot where Pac-Man emerges.) TOM: How convenient. > PAC-MAN: (Spots the box)Ha, haha! Right on the mark! > CLYDE: Well, well, look who's come to play with us!(Chomp-Chomp whines) > SUE: C'mon, fellas! Let's chomp 'im!(They start moving in on Pac-Man) MIKE: Betcha he finds a power pellet in time. >(commercials) CROW: [announcer] When we last saw Pac-Man...he was up to his poopie pants in trouble... >(Pac-Man is still surrounded by ghosts.) > SUE: So, the mighty Pac-Man thought he could sneak up and chomp on > us, did he? > INKY: Yeah! Well, we ain't as dumb as we look! ,,,On second thought, > maybe we are!(Pulls out a hand mirror and looks at himself. > Clyde grabs the mirror.) TOM: This is definitely aggressive stupidity. > CLYDE: Gimme that, you idiot!(Throws the mirror to the ground, > shattering it) > PAC-MAN: Oh, but you don't understand! All I want are the toys! MIKE: [imitates whining/groveling noises] > PINKY: Aw, ain't that cute? All he wants are the toys! > SUE: Come on! Let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! CROW: Pac-Man has *bones*? I thought he was just a bunch of pixels! TOM: You're reading way too much into this, Crow. > PAC-MAN: Well, you know what I always say! If you can't beat 'em, RUN!!! > (Runs away, and the ghosts start chasing him through the trees, > much like they did when the special began)Quick Chomp-Chomp! get > the toys! MIKE: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! > (Chomp-Chomp growls at the ghosts)Don't worry about me! > You've gotta save Santa's toys!(Chomp-Chomp barks, then starts > loading toys in the sack) > PINKY: Hey! Pac-Man's pooch is taking our toys! Let's get him, Blinky! > (He and Blinky go after Chomp-Chomp)Let's chomp the little > chump!(Chomp-Chomp drags the sack behind a bush. Blinky and > Pinky stop in front of it.) TOM: Instead of going into the bush and taking the toys. Sheesh. CROW: We all know how this is gonna turn out. > BLINKY: Where'd he go? > PINKY: (Points somewhere)In there! Hurry, before we lose 'im!(They go > off somewhere, and Chomp-Chomp looks out happily. MIKE: [Chomp-Chomp] Man! Those guys are dumber than a bag of nails! > Meanwhile, > Pac-man is still running.) > PAC-MAN: Well! Whaddya know? I think I'm gonna get away!(Trips on a rock > and falls. The ghosts surround him.) TOM: Movie clichés always work. > BLINKY: That good-for-nothing Pac-pup ditched us! CROW: So...Chomp-Chomp is on the side of the ghosts?! MIKE: Uhhh...wha? > SUE: Yeah, but Pac-Man didn't!(The ghosts chomp Pac-Man, leaving him > a wreck) > PAC-MAN: Uhh... > CLYDE: See ya 'round, Pac-Punk! > INKY: Yeah! Don't take any wooden power pellets! Huh huh huh huh! CROW: Inky. The inspiration for Butthead. > (The > ghosts leave. Chomp-Chomp comes out of hiding, drags the sack > over to Pac-Man, and licks him.) ALL: EWWWWWW!!! > PAC-MAN: Oh...good boy, Chomp-Chomp! You got the toys! I just...I just > hope I have enough strength to make it back.(Gets up)Oh!(Starts > dragging the sack home) TOM: This *show* is dragging. >(Back at Pac-Man's house...) >(Morris and Officer O'Pac are putting the finishing touches on Santa's sleigh. > Officer O'Pac reaches into his toolbox.) MIKE: Funny that he should have that, being a police officer and all... > O'PAC: That sanding disc is in here somewhere. Ah, here it is!(Pulls > the disc out, attaches it to his drill, and buffs the sleigh. > Inside, Santa is holding Pac-Baby and reciting "The Night Before > Christmas.") > SANTA: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and all through the house, not > a creature was stirring...(a mouse comes out of its hole and > squeaks)not even a Pac-mouse?(laughs) CROW: A *Pac* mouse? > The stockings, uh, were > hung by the chimney with care, (Sourpuss hangs two stockings on > the fireplace--a modest one reading "Chomp-Chomp," and a really > long one reading "Sourpuss.")in the hopes that St. Nicholas soon > would be there.(Ms. Pac-Man checks on the reindeer) MIKE: Is it just me, or is this story becoming more cryptic? > MS. PAC-MAN: Oh, how you doing, fellas?(Checks Rudolph's temperature)Well, > your temperature's okay, Rudolph, but your warning light's still > flickering. TOM: [Rudolph] Oh...my battery's kinda old. > (The clock shows that it's almost midnight. Ms. > Pac-Man and Santa show concern.) >(At that very moment...) >(Pac-Man is still dragging the sack with Chomp-Chomp. It's snowing, even > though the sky is clear.) CROW: The laws of nature decide to go on holiday. > PAC-MAN: Oh...oh, I...I don't think I can make it, Chomp-Chomp. Oop! > (Falls. Chomp-Chomp runs over, licks his face, and points. > Pac-Man looks in the direction he's pointing and sees...his > house!)Ohh...it's home! MIKE: [sarcastically] Wow. Such a touching scene. > Maybe we can make it!(Gets up and starts > dragging the sack again, TOM: ...and later dies of emphysema. CROW: [ba-doom-crash] TOM: Thank you! I'll be here all night! > with Chomp-Chomp's help. When they get > to a cliff, they hear a rumbling)Chomp-Chomp, look out!(The > cliff gives way. Pac-Man and Chomp-Chomp fall into a snow bank. > Several toys spill out of the sack.)Oh no! Look at this mess! > (Checks his watch)And it's twenty minutes 'til midnight! Well, > come on, Chomp-Chomp, we can't let Santa down! MIKE: Oh, they'll make it. Count on it. >(Not more than a swallow's flight away, at Pac-Man's house...) > O'PAC: You sleigh is all fixed, Santa! > MORRIS: Yep!And the work comes with a 5-year, 50,000-chomp warranty! > (Elbows (O'Pac)Heh heh! Ya get it? "Chomp warranty?"(O'Pac > glares at him) CROW: [O'Pac] I'm surrounded by morons!! > MS. PAC-MAN: (Looks at the clock)Gosh, I wonder what's taking Paccy so long? > I'd hate for you to miss your deadline. TOM: [Santa] Oh, ho, ho...not to worry...it's a contrived plot! > SANTA: Never mind my deadline. I just hope your Pac-Man is okay! > (There's a knock at the door. Ms. Pac-Man opens it, revealing a > thoroughly-frozen Pac-Man.) > MS. PAC-MAN: Oh Paccy, are you all right? > PAC-MAN: Just fine, Pepper...(Staggers inside and offscreen. A shattering > sound is heard.) MIKE: [Ms. Pac-Man] Oh, hon, I forgot to tell you...I broke some sharp glass and stuck it under the rug. Honey? HONEY!!! > O'PAC: Oh, no! I guess he never found Santa's sack!(Chomp-Chomp pulles > the sack in and barks happily) > PAC-BABY: Da-da found it! Da-da found it! CROW: We knew it was gonna happen anyway! TOM: God, this story was predictable. > MORRIS: Looks like we saved Christmas for ya after all! > SANTA: I'm afraid not. It's just too late.(Shots of everyone looking > crushed)This is the first Christmas I've missed in all of > history.(He and Pac-Baby start crying) CROW: [sarcastically] Awwww...what a bloody shame. > PAC-MAN: (Puts his hand on Santa's shoulder)Ah...there must be some way, > Santa! > SANTA: Thanks for trying, Pac-Man, but even if my reindeer were > jet-propelled, they couldn't make it in time. MIKE: Hint hint. > PAC-MAN: (Gets an idea)Wait! Jet-propelled! That's it! We can still save > Christmas! Santa, get your sleigh and reindeer and follow me! > (Zooms out the door) TOM: Oh, boy...I know what's coming next. >(Soon...) >(Pac-Man & Co. are in his car heading down the road, closely followed by > Santa's sleigh.) > MS. PAC-MAN: Where are we going, Paccy? > PAC-MAN: Don't worry, Pepper! We'll be there any second! Uhh...or will > we?(The ghosts are blocking the road. Inky is holding a stop > sign.) CROW: Inky wants to be a crossing guard when he grows up. > SUE: Hold it right there, Pac-Man!(Pac-Man screeches to a halt) > SANTA: Woah!(His sleigh halts) > CLYDE: Looks like we get to chomp the whole neighborhood this time! > PINKY: Duh, let's stop talkin' and start chompin'!(The ghosts start > gnashing their teeth) MIKE: Here we go again. > PAC-MAN: (Whispering)I know it'll never work, but I've got to try to > reason with them!(Gets out of the car)C'mon, hold it, you can't > chomp us! > INKY: We can't? Shucks! And here I thought it was still chomping > season!(Start to leave, but Clyde grabs him) TOM: I really wish I could just kill every character in this story. MIKE: Maybe Nightman was a writer for Pac-Man. > CLYDE: Come back here, ghost brains! We can chomp on Pac-Man all we > want! > PAC-MAN: No, wait! You see, we're on an emergency mission! We're the only > chance Santa Claus has of saving Christmas!(The ghosts look at > Santa. He and his reindeer nod.) > CLYDE: Santa Claus? > BLINKY: Christmas? CROW: [Blinky] Brains? What are those? > PAC-MAN: That's right! Christmas! It's a time for spreading joy > throughout the world! It's a time for warmth and brotherly love! > BLINKY: Does that include ghost brothers? > PAC-MAN: Of course!(Blinky and Pinky look at each other and grin) > CLYDE: Forget it, Pac-Man! Your clever talk ain't gonna get you outta this mess! TOM: [Clyde] Cuz it didn't get me out of da' third grade! > PAC-MAN: Oh, wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me! Just > think of the millions of deserving children around the world who > won't get their Christmas presents! You opened your mouths > instead of your hearts! MIKE: I wish some of these characters would open their *brains* instead of their mouths. > (Clyde's the only ghost that doesn't > start crying after this) > CLYDE: Ah, what a bunch of humbug! CROW: Oh, GREAT! Now we're doing a Scrooge sketch! > INKY: Aw, give the guy a break, Clyde! > PINKY: Yeah! Think of all the little kids, Clyde! > SUE: And the big kids too, Clyde! TOM: [Sue, singing] And all the fishes in the deep blue sea! > CLYDE: All right, already! Just this once, Pac-Man! But remember, when > Christmas is over, we'll be back! > PAC-MAN: Oh, thanks! You won't regret this!(The ghosts let everyone pass) MIKE: ...a kidney stone. BOTS: MIIIKE! CROW: Actually, that's what watching this show is like. >(Soon afterwards, the Pac-Land natives and Santa have almost arrived at their > destination.) > PAC-MAN: There it is! The Power Forest!(A guard opens the gate leading > in, and they go through. The forest is nothing but trees with > power pellets growing on them.) TOM: [booming announcer] _Kix_ farms of the Future! Another innovation from 3M!! > SANTA: I don't know what you've got in mind, Pac-Man, but it's just no > use! I might as well face it; I've missed my first Christmas! > PAC-MAN: Aw, don't give up yet, Santa! There's the answer to your > problem! > SANTA: Power pellets? > MORRIS: Methinks Paccy's gone wacky! CROW: Y'know, given the stereotypical nature of O'Pac, I would kinda expect *him* to say something like that. > O'PAC: But, who're the power pellets for, Pac-Man? > PAC-MAN: The reindeer! Who else? Go on! give 'em a chomp!(The reindeer > exchange glances, but eat the pellets. Afterwards, they start to > glow.) > SANTA: My, my, my, my! I've never seen Rudolph's nose glow so bright! MIKE: [Santa] Now he can guide my sleigh tonight! TOM: Stop it, Mike. > There just may be a chance after all! > PAC-MAN: Hurry! There's no time to lose!(Zips offscreen) >(Seconds later, Santa's back in his sleigh, and the reindeer and hitched up > again.) CROW: The magic of animation. > MS. PAC-MAN: Good Luck, Santa! > MORRIS: So long, take care! > SANTA: Lead on, Rudolph!(The sleigh lifts off and heads into the night) > PAC-BABY: Bye-bye, Santa! > SANTA: Thanks MIKE: [Santa] ...for NOTHING!!! > again! Goodbye!(Flies away) > PAC-MAN: Aww. I just hope we were able to help him save Christmas. > MS. PAC-MAN: C'mon, Paccy. Let's go home. CROW: [Ms. Pac-Man] I'll shave your back like last time. MIKE: Crow... >(Back home...) >(Everyone-even Officer O'Pac and Morris- is heading through the door, when > they get inside, the stop and smile broadly at a welcome sight.) > MS. PAC-MAN: Paccy! Look!(Pac-Baby laughs. The welcome sight is a Christmas > tree with countless presents stacked underneath it.Santa's voice is heard.) TOM: [Santa] Piss off, jerkies! I'm gettin' outta this story! > SANTA: Ho ho ho! Meeery Christmas! > MORRIS: We did it! We saved Christmas!(Everyone walks over to the tree) > MS. PAC-MAN: Oh gosh, look at all the presents!(Pac-Man starts handiog them > out) > PAC-MAN: Ha ha ha! This one's for you, Morris! And here's yours, Officer > O'Pac! CROW: Either everyone in Pac-Land lives at Pac-Man's house, or O'Pac and Morris are his relatives. MIKE: It would seem that way...if this show actually used logic. > Chomp-Chomp...Sourpuss...Pac-Baby...(Pac-Baby laughs. > Outside, the ghosts are looking in through a window.) > BLINKY: But I thougt we weren't gonna chomp them tonight! > CLYDE: Well, we changed our minds, didn't we? > GHOSTS: YEAH! TOM: Hypocrisy is so fun. > CLYDE: Let's get 'em!(The ghosts burst in...and Pac-Man hands them > presents!) > PAC-MAN: Inky, Pinky...Blinky, Clyde, Sue! > CLYDE: Why, I...I don't know what to say! > PAC-BABY: (Gurgles)How about "Thank you?" CROW: I *really* hate that little smartass. MIKE: Take it easy, Crow. The end is near. > GHOSTS: Th-th-th-th-tank you! TOM: Think-tank you? CROW: Maybe they said, "Thank God this crummy show is over!" > PAC-MAN: Aw, don't thank us...thank Santa Claus!(Outside, we get to see > one last shot of Santa Claus flying past the moon) > SANTA: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp!(Fade > out, commercials, credits) TOM: Arrggh! Let's scram! [ALL exit theater] [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] [MIKE, CROW, and TOM are behind the desk.] TOM: Well, guys, I think that it's time we discussed what we learned today. Mike? MIKE: Okay...I learned that whenever Pearl does something, if it's bad it'll happen, but if it's good, she'll lie about it? TOM: Okay...how 'bout you, Crow? CROW: Tom, I learned that it's never a good idea to make a TV show out of a video game. TOM: And you know what I learned today? Christmas is nothing more than a silly marketing tool for all sorts of video game and toy manufacturers. Christmas is the time when the most insipid, cloying writing can come out in a show. It's the time for self-knowing reference, horrible cameos, and syrupy-sweet plots. It's just SO PAINFUL! AAAAGHGHGHGHGH!!! [TOM starts crying] CROW: Tom, don't cry...everything will be better...you know, Christmas is coming up soon... TOM: AAAGHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAAHHGAHA!!!! [TOM springs at CROW, knocking him down.] CROW: Take it easy, TOM! I didn't mean it! Help me, MIKE!! MIKE: TOM! [red MADS light flashes] ...Uh, what's going on down there, Pearl? [WMoD] PEARL: Oh, nothing, Nelspot. I hope you've learned your lesson. Don't play with Pearl, 'cause you're gonna get burned! [smiles devilishly]. Well, this time I will give you a break for real this time! Really! [makes innocent face again]. [SoL] MIKE: No, you're not! I'm not falling for it this time! You're not going to stop sending us movies! [WMoD] PEARL: Okay. I won't stop, then. MWAH, HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [SoL] TOM: Aww, Mike! You did it again, you dork! MIKE: Hey, how was I supposed to know that she was gonna do that? CROW: You're goin' down, buddy! I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop ass on ya! MIKE: Guys! Wait! Wait!! [clunk] [fade to credits, chirping birdies can be heard over music] MST3K created by JOEL HODGSON MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS "A Pac-Man Christmas" transcripted by MICHAEL BILICA Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. Pac-Man is copyright 1980s to Midway and Atari, I guess. I think the cartoon is copyright Ruby-Spears, 1980s. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based upon another work of fiction. I'm not in this for money, I'm in it for the kicks. > CLYDE: I wouldn't chase us if I were you, Pac-Man! Haven't you read the > new warning?(Shows Pac-Man the warning) > PAC-MAN: Hmm. "Caution: The Ghost Monster General has determined that > CHOMPING is hazardous to your health." Oh yeah? Well maybe you > haven't read MY new warning! It's right here!(Shows them his > tongue. They look at the warning) > BLINKY: I-i-I can't read the fine print!(They look closer...and Pac-Man > chomps them. Their eyes fly away.) Keep circulating the fics 17 December 1997