Rape of a Princess By Victor Von Doom MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Edited by Jamie "JOLT!" Jeans (xwing@uniserve.com) Ah, here is what should be my first solo MSTing in a while... This MSTing was started in early June, but the group petered out for some reason. But I am here to finish it up! Thanks to JOLT for editing!! On with the show!! -Seth C. Triggs ______________________ [Roll Season 9 Theme] [SoL-Bridge] [CROW and TOM are facing one another, at the side of the screen. MIKE is at the center, looking into the camera.] MIKE: Hello, I'm Mike Nelson... and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Apparently, Tom and Crow have decided to have a war of quirky questions... TOM: Will you pipe down, Mike? Ok, where was I? Oh, yeah... If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter? CROW: Hah! If you refinish a table, shouldn't you have to *restart*? TOM: In your dreams, Crow! If someone with multiple personalities commits a crime, who is charged with it? CROW: Okay, Tom... what's another word for thesaurus? TOM: [starts to vibrate] Aaaaagh... [head explodes] CROW: WHOOOO!! I win!! MIKE: I should have seen this coming. [Commercial Sign blinks] We'll be back. [commercials] [Bridge. MIKE is repairing the damage done to TOM.] MIKE: You know, if I had known you guys were trying to kill each other, I wouldn't have allowed this. CROW: But you can't, Mike... we're freebots. You can't stop our instincts to kill others of our kind. [sotto] It would be unnatural. MIKE: Ummmm... yeah. [red MADs light blinks] Oh, boy... Pearl's calling. [Unnamed Planet] [PEAL is directing OBSERVER and BOBO, who are moving large box-like computer equipment around.] PEARL: Okay, you two... put that memory unit over there! [turns to camera] Hey, Nel-stone... I just thought of a new, convenient and easy way to take over the world... through the Internet! No more incompetent, suffering fools... my domination is going to be quick and easy! OBSERVER: It's all plugged in, Pearl. BOBO: Hoo... disks are a-spinning... and we are all set to go! PEARL: Yes... Pearl.com is online... and I shall rule the world!! Oh, before I do that... your little fanfic for today is a delightful little sour lemon... from your old pal Victor Von Doom. It's called "Rape of a Princess", and it really bites. Ta-ta! OBSERVER: [off-screen] That's odd... I keep getting this message saying "No Carrier"... [SoL] ALL: VON DOOM?! LEMON?! [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!! CROW: Pearl.com? [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [ALL enter Theater] > Hello everyone, this time I'm presenting a fanfic a little out of the > normal type of stories that have characterized me, only one thing > before you start to read, TOM: Take plenty of aspirin. MIKE: Be sure to keep your suicide pill handy. CROW: Load your revolver. > the contents are rated R and are intended > for mature audiences, if you dislike this kind of literature please DO > NOT continue. CROW: Fine with me! [gets up to leave] MIKE: Uh-uh. CROW: Damn! > The Rape of the Princess > Part 1 of 3 TOM: *THREE*?!! Arrgh!! MIKE: Victor Von Doom, guys... this is gonna go down hard. > A rumor of a thief that was entering the houses of Tokyo was in the > streets, CROW: Well, he should have let the construction crews finish paving! TOM: I guess Von Doom has trouble with Oscar-isms. > especially among the students of Juban High school, Serena > and the girls were talking about it, Serena mentioned that she didn't > cared about and to prove it she was going to be home alone because her > parents and brother were going to camp, TOM: You got all that? MIKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down! CROW: We're only a couple paragraphs in, and I don't think we're going to make it out alive. > Seiya member of the music > group known as the Starlights heard the comment and offered himself as > a guardian for her, it was very well known to everyone how attracted > he was to her, but what nobody knew, not even his partners, was that > his true intentions were to posses her, and this was the perfect > chance to accomplish his desire. TOM: Aw, geez! MIKE: This comes from the Wilt Chamberlain school of stardom. CROW: You know what? Most people don't know this, but Seiya was once a member of Bill Clinton's Cabinet. > -Me and her, home alone...Serena your beautiful body will be mine this > weekend...one way or another. TOM: CATS? MIKE: That's "One Thing or Another". > He thought. CROW: But since he neglected his oil, his crankcase caught fire. > But someone else had the feeling that it wasn't a good idea. TOM: The readers. CROW: And every Sailor Moon fan out there. > -Serena, I don't think you should be alone with him...I don't trust > him...I have seen him when he's looking at you...and.. MIKE: [whoever's speaking] His little friend is happy! CROW: No, Mike. > -And what Ami ? I think your jealous because Yaten doesn't like you. > -IT'S NOT JEALOUSY ! ! I DON'T TRUST HIM BECAUSE I THINK HE WANTS TO > HURT YOU, OK ? ? ! ! TOM: [Ami] OKAY? SO BITE ME!! CROW: Geez, you and your stupid kindness can just shove it. > -Sure Ami he will. MIKE: [Serena] I mean, after all, he's a famous superstar who really doesn't have to answer to anyone, can summon high-priced lawyers in a matter of minutes, and can leave the country at a moment's notice. Come on, why would he hurt me? > With that the blond girl walked home to help her parents to pack for > their camp, later that friday they lefted her, CROW: Good thing she only weighed 45 kg. > she took a bath and > dressed with a pink blouse and a red miniskirt, MIKE: *EXTREME* *CLOTHING* *DESCRIPTION* *ACTION*!!! TOM: So she took a bath with her clothes on? > it was 7 :00 p.m. when > Seiya arrived, they had supper, and started to chat, at 10 :00 p.m. > both went to bed in separate rooms.- TOM: Anyone willing to guess what that mark at the end is? No? Okay. > The next day Ami called her to > find out how everything went, she didn't noticed that Seiya was > hearing her conversation. CROW: Fortunately, Seiya didn't notice the frayed wire underfoot, and it fried the creep to a crisp. MIKE: Settle down, Crow... we're not even halfway done. > -Like I told you, we slept in separate rooms and everything went just > fine. MIKE: [Serena] Except this feeling that I'm in a Von Doom fic... which means something bad will happen. > -Tonight we will be in the same bed honey...you'll see. > He thought. TOM: [Seiya] I must... make the audience lose all respect for me!! CROW: That happened a *long* time ago! > Everything went fine during the day, but when the night arrived, Seiya > got a bottle of Champagne out of his bag, and asked Serena to have a > romantic dinner with him, the girl accepted, CROW: [Serena] Let me drink myself into a stupor so that he can take advantage of me! > after dinner both went to > bed except that this time Seiya entered the room along with Serena, > she was a little dizzy due to the champagne but she wasn't drunk, CROW: Oh, no... MIKE: Brace for impact, guys. > Seiya started to kiss her, at the beginning she didn't cared until she > felt his hands moving up and down her legs and worst of all they were > moving higher and higher entering her skirt, she tried to push him > away but instead he pushed her on the bed and started to unbutton her > blouse. MIKE: [stern voice] Date rape. Don't play that game. TOM: Seiya must play for the Buffalo Bills. > -SEIYA STOP IT ! ! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ! ! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND > REMEMBER ! ! GET OFF FROM ME ! ! TOM: Don't give him ideas!! MIKE: Tom... > -But he's far away...I'll give you what he couldn't...and besides he > may be doing the same with an American blonde...now relax...you'll > like it. CROW: [Serena] Hey! Who do you think you are? Joey Buttafuoco? > She tried to get him off from her, but instead she gave him room to > take her blouse and bra off, she started to cry but he didn't cared, > brutally he yanked her skirt off and then her panties followed, he > took her hands and putted them over her head ALL: FORE! TOM: An Oscar-ism in a rape scene. I'm impressed, Von Doom. MIKE: A bit sarcastic, Tom? TOM: Just a bit. > while he took his shirt > off, he looked at the naked body of Serena, it was all he dreamed off > and more, seconds later his pants followed CROW: [Seiya] I can't shake them!! > and he started to kiss and > caress her body, Serena let out a scream when she felt him entering > her virgin body, TOM: ... CROW: This is quite a new low for Victor. > it was the longest hour of her life, she knew it was > over when she felt a warm sensation inside of her body and Seiya > getting of from her. CROW: ...so to speak... MIKE: CROW!!! > -It was really nice honey...we have to do it again...that fool of > Darien...leaving a sweet girl like you...see you in the morning. TOM: ...sickness. MIKE: Tom, don't. > Serena didn't answered him, she covered her naked body with a blanket > and started to cry, the next morning when Luna returned from Mina's CROW: gas chamber... TOM: [Luna, coughing] But I *cough* don't have *cough* an insurance policy!! > house where she spend the night with Artemis, MIKE: Nudge, nudge...wink, wink. CROW: That's my line! TOM: That line reeks of 'Strike Fiss'. > she found blood stains > in the blankets and Serena's underwear in the floor showing that it > was brutally taken off from it's owner. MIKE: [imitates cheap dramatic music] CROW: This is what happens when you crossover Sailor Moon with any given soap opera. TOM: Is this a flashback to "Countess Chronicles"? > -Oh God...SERENA ! ! SERENA WHERE ARE YOU ! ! MIKE: [Serena] I'm in London, to see the Queen! > The blond girl entered the room, in that moment she knew that it > wasn't the same girl she lefted alone the day before. CROW: This one was 20 kg heavier!! > -What ? > > -What happened here ? What's that blood stain in your bed ? What > happened with your underclothing ? MIKE: [Serena] Damn crappy Valu-drawers! > -Nothing...it...it was...an accident... TOM: [Serena] You know, maybe I shouldn't try eating fiberglass again. > -Serena please...if something happened to you tell me...I'll do > everything in my power to help you. > > -NOTHING HAPPENED OK ? NOW PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE ! ! CROW: [Serena] AND GIVE ME MY COMMAS BACK!!! MIKE: [sarcastic] No, Serena's not over reacting. Luna won't get suspicious at all. > The girl falled on her bed and started to cry again, while Luna jumped > out the window to get help. MIKE: Forgetting that Serena lived on the 20th floor of the building, and she plummeted to her death. The end. TOM: Boy, Mike... you feeling okay? - The cat was running in the street when > she saw Haruka and Michiru in their car, with a big jump he falled > inside. CROW: AAAAAHHH!! LUNA PULLED AN ARTEMIS!!! MIKE: What? CROW: Luna turned into a guy...like Artemis turned into a girl! > -Luna ! > > -Haruka, Michiru ! ! Thank God ! ! CROW: Actually, thank their parents, Luna, since they made... MIKE: Stop right there, Crow. > The tall girl stopped the car. TOM: Which one? MIKE: You know those little words called *proper nouns*, Von Doom? Use some. > -What's wrong ? CROW: [falsetto] I FORGOT TO ADD THE FABRIC SOFTENER!! > -I'm not sure...last night while I was away something horrible > happened to Serena... > > -What ? MIKE: [Luna] I had this dream that she went out like Rick Nelson! > -This morning when I returned I found blood stains in her bed and in > the floor her underwear was totally ripped off... TOM: [Luna] I could have sworn I had seen that particular style on Melissa Etheridge! > -Who was with her last night ? CROW: Ted Kennedy. > -Seiya...girls do you think he... > > -I have no doubts ! ! LET'S GO ! ! TOM: What a leader... whoever that was. > Meanwhile in the house Seiya got up, and found Serena in the kitchen, > silently he walked behind her and suddenly he took her from her waist > and pulled her off against him, once he had her close he started to > caress her again. MIKE: Here at the Mike Tyson Training Centre, our celebrities learn the latest methods of coercion and domination of females. > -NO ! ! STOP IT PLEASE ! !LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PIG ! ! TOM: If I were Serena, I would call him something other than *pig*. CROW: I can rattle off about twenty other names that come to mind. > Instead he took her upstairs and forced her to lay on the bed again, > he started to take her clothes off, CROW: Uh... Serena? You could try, ooh I don't know, FIGHT BACK!!! >he was about to take her panties > off again when Haruka and Michiru entered the house, the two girls > rushed upstairs when they heard the screams of Serena, Haruka almost > kicked the door down. MIKE: MOD Squad... In Color. TOM: So Haruka didn't enter? > -GET OFF FROM HER YOU SON OF A B*&% ! ! TOM: Four-letter word that begins with B? CROW: Bonk? MIKE: Buck? > -huh ? TOM: That Seiya sure is quick on the uptake. > Haruka took Seiya and started to hit him as hard as she could, CROW: Get the Silence Glaive and smite his hentai butt! MIKE: I don't think they have that yet. > meanwhile Michiru was with Serena, the blond girl couldn't do anything > but cry. > > -Calm down Serena, we're here. TOM: [Michiru] Late... but here. > -I...didn't wanted to... MIKE: [Serena] But I didn't want to, either. > -I know. > > -Please...promise me that you won't tell anybody about this... > > -But Serena we have to.. TOM: [imitates cheap dramatic organ music] CROW: Dammit, this is so cliché!! > -NO ! ! If Darien finds out about this...he will hate me...please > Michiru...promise me that neither you or Haruka will say anything > about this. MIKE: [Serena] It's not like the police could help or anything... CROW: [sarcastic] And you know that Darien. He *would* see this as cheating and not rape! > With some doubts the blue haired girl accepted, meanwhile Haruka > kicked Seiya out of Serena's home. TOM: He rolled out onto the street and got hit by a bus. The end. MIKE: No, you're forgetting the alternate ending...the bus hits him into the adjacent railway line, and he gets scissored in two by a speeding train. TOM: This fic is getting to us. > -If I ever know that you come back to this house I'll kill you ! ! CROW: [Haruka] I'll kill you until you die from it! > -Don't worry...she gave me what I wanted...maybe now I will go for > Rei...or Ami...haha who knows...maybe the slut of Mina will > fit...maybe I'll go for you...HAHAHAHAH ! ! MIKE: [Seiya] WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I AM EVIL INCARNATE!! BWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! > -Why you sick pervert ! ! > > But before she could grab him he got inside of a cab. TOM: Wow! That was fast! CROW: If you're a perverted rapist in need of a quick getaway, call Dependable Cab at 485-3745!! Thank you!! - Later that > night Serena told them about the events that took place the night > before. > > To be continued... TOM: Don't hold your breath. MIKE: You know, there's nothing like a good, dramatic story with a great element of suspense and great plotlines... and then there's this story. CROW: Let's go. [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SOL-Bridge] MIKE: Okay, guys... I think it's time that we discuss what we've learned today. CROW: Mike, I've gone one step further... I have arranged an interview with Von Doom himself!! So... in full and living color, here's Victor... Von... Doom!! [Hexfield Viewscreen opens up to reveal a man in a green cape and glasses.] DOOM: -Hello. I am Victor Von Doom. -Doom said. MIKE: Hi... this is Mike Nelson on the Satellite of Love... we have a few questions for you. CROW: Yeah, like why do you kill or seriously hurt one of the Sailor Scouts in every fic you make? TOM: And why in today's fic, you just didn't have Serena's friends call the police after she got raped? DOOM: !Enough! !You cannot ask that of Victor Von Doom! !PLOT IS IRRELEVANT! !DO NOT MAKE FUN OF MY STORIES! !I WILL KILL YOU! MIKE: [aside, urgently] Shut the link... shut the link... [TOM quickly closes the communication channel.] CROW: Well, that sure went well. MIKE: Let's see what's happening down below. [UP] [The computers are all overloaded and still, and PEARL is furiously hacking at her keyboard.] PEARL: Dammit!!! You idiots! You didn't tell me that you had connected us to AOL!! [to MIKE & the BOTS] They connected me to AOL! It took me thirty tries to connect to the damn thing, and then we got tossed for "spamming" after I sent out my conditions for world conquest! But rest assured, Nelson, I will have the upper hand... one day! [PEARL slams her fist down on the keyboard, smashing it, and somehow causing the software to crash completely. We fade to credits. PEARL can be heard muttering and swearing over the credits.] mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS edited by JAMIE JEANS original fanfic written by VICTOR VON DOOM Mystery Science Theater 3000 is (c)1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for this is a harmless satire. Sailor Moon is copyright to Naoko T. and DIC. All rights reserved. Keep circulating the fics 1 June 1998 > -Me and her, home alone...Serena your beautiful body will be mine this > weekend...one way or another. > He thought.