Scooby-Doo: The Demon Shark MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Hi, folks! MSTing #7 is here! It's an episode of the Scooby-Doo TV Show! It's not very good, though. Special thanks go out to Michael Bilica, who transcripted the episode. Good on ya, mate. Well, on with the show!!! [Roll Season 8 Theme] [SoL-Bridge] ["Evening" on the SoL. MIKE and the BOTS are seated at a nice spread of food, including synthesized turkeys, cranberry sauce, sweet potato and pumpkin pie, and dressing. The BOTS are eating specially made electronic treats.] MIKE: Hello, everyone. We're just having a little holiday dinner here, courtesy of Gypsy. [GYPSY makes her usual "moo" noise]. Even though Earth was blown up some time ago, we were still able to get some great food [munches on a turkey leg] ...Mmmmph! CROW: Hey, Mike, while'st you're gettin' busy chowin' down there, pass the microchip stuffing, will ya? MIKE: Yeah, sure, Crow. [passes stuffing]. Hey! I just thought of something! How can I tell which food is made for you or for *me*? TOM: Well, you can't. That's what makes it all fun. MIKE: Do you guys get a sadistic pleasure out of making me sick? TOM: [reassuringly] No! No...just sit down and eat your cranberry sauce... [MIKE does so]...yeah, that's it...[frantic] OHMIGOD!! You've eaten the *silicon* cranberry sauce! You're gonna get poisoned!!! [MIKE lurches over and vomits into a trash can] TOM: Hahahaha!!! Whoooo!!! CROW: Way to go, Servo!!! [MIKE stands up, thoroughly P.O.ed.] MIKE: Start running. [CROW & TOM zip off screen, Commercial Sign flashes. MIKE is about to give chase, but pauses.] MIKE: We'll be right back. [takes off] [commercials] [SoL Bridge] [MIKE, TOM & CROW are all bruised and bandaged.] MIKE: Well, I guess you guys have learned your lesson about making me sick, right? CROW: Oh, okay, Mike! Sheesh! We were just trying to have fun! MIKE: Oh, by *killing* me? TOM: Oh, it just goes with the territory. There's the sheer beauty of making a lower life form suffer...not that you're a lower life form, Mike... the sheer beauty of the kill...er...I mean, the sheer enjoyability of practical jokehood, especially if you do it to someone else... MIKE: You're evil, Tom. [red MADs light flashes] CROW: Snap, Crackle and Pop are calling. [Winged Minibus of Doom] [Inside the WMoD, there is a small table with food. PEARL, BOBO, and OBSERVER are seated around the table.] PEARL: ...Amen. Let's eat! OBSERVER: Hold it...why did you say grace? I'm agnostic. PEARL: [snidely] Shut up, Brain Guy. Carve the turkey. [OBSERVER cuts the turkey open. Suddenly, a face-hugging alien jumps out and latches onto BOBO's face.] BOBO: AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!! HEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! PEARL: Allright! That's it! I will NOT have movie clichés on my ship! [PEARL snatches the little face-hugger off of BOBO.] [to alien] Now listen here, ya little bugger...there's not gonna be any more facehugging on *my* ship! If there is, I'm gonna rip out your arms and SHOVE 'EM DOWN YOUR THROAT! ALIEN: [makes "Okay, Okay" type noises] PEARL: Aw, isn't he adorable. Well, my little turkeys, *your* Christmas present this time is an episode of one of the MANY versions of Scooby-Doo. It's titled "The Demon Shark", and I hope it goes down hard! [SoL] CROW: Scooby-Doo? Doesn't sound too bad. TOM: Have you ever seen _The Reluctant Werewolf_? CROW: [shudders] I stand corrected. [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: We've got TV SIGN!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [Everyone takes their seats] > -=Opening Theme=- > GROUP: We've gotten all together for a brand new show, > Scooby-Doo is here again, away we go! TOM: [makes chortling noise] > SHAGGY: While Scooby-Doo is running from a spooky ghost! > GROUP: Shaggy is-a doin' what he does the most! MIKE: Marijuana, that is. > Hey, come on, get involved, > 'Til the mystery is solved, > SHAGGY: Hang around for Scooby-Doo! >(Instrumental) CROW: Where's Kenny G when you need him? > GROUP: Hey, come on, get involved, > 'Til the mystery is solved, > SHAGGY: Hang around for Scooby-Doo! >(finale) TOM: Yeah, I *wish*. > SHAGGY: That's my pal! > SCOOBY: Scooby-Dooby-Doo! >(commercials) MIKE: [imitating psych(ot)ic ad lady] Ten free minutes! Trust me! >(A chartered plane flies through a stormy night sky. Inside are two men from > India handcuffed to a briefcase. TOM: With turbans, right? CROW: Of course. It's a Hanna-Barbera cartoon! > In the rear of the plane is an ice block tied > to the floor. Inside it is what appears to be a shark with arms and legs. The > block is starting to melt. CROW: [klaxon noises] MIKE & TOM: Plot Point! Plot Point!! > When the plane lands, the men and the "shark" are > taken to customs. A guard inspects the briefcase, which is full of pearl > jewelry.) MIKE: [guard] Do you have any sharks to declare? > GUARD: I sure don't envy you fellers! CROW: Oh, great. One of *these*. > Flying all the way from India with > that...that thing!(Pan right to the frozen shark.)I'd rather have > Frankenstein in here than that weird, humanoid shark demon, heh! TOM: What about Tammy Faye Messner? She's pretty scary, too! > They dredged it up by the Indian Ocean where it's been buried for over a > million years! MIKE: [guard] Not that I'm an expert on paleontology or anything. > The law says I gotta keep that monster under quarantine for 24 hours! CROW: [guard] Take my word for it! > Then > it goes on display at Aquaworld! (Opens the briefcase and looks at the the > label on it)"One trunk containing rare pearls on loan to the county muiseum > from the maharaja of Ringtur. MIKE: Just west of Booka-Booka-Icki-Tatiuenie-Ohoho. > Valued $2,000,000." CROW: Oh...my mistake...that should be 2,000,000 pesos. > (Hands the men a slip of > paper)Here's your receipt. TOM: Would you like our Super Discount card? If you make 10 frozen shark transactions in the rest of the year, you get 20% off your 11th! > We'll have to keep the pearls here overnight until the museum picks them up > in the morning. (The three leave the building. The guard locks the door > behind him.) > GUARD: You can rest easy. Those jewels will be as safe in here as if they > were locked up in Fort Knox. MIKE: [guard] Except that I have the key, so that really doesn't make it secure, I guess. >(Inside, the ice containing the shark is melting faster than ever. Pan over > to the briefcase. A shadow looms over it. In a flash of lightning, the briefcase > is open. In another flash, the pearls are gone. The shadow moves away.) TOM: It's the All-Concealing Shadow™!! >(Ext. shot of a beach. The Mystery Machine is parked there with an empty boat > trailer. Scooby and Shaggy are water-skiing and holding huge stacks of > food(?!), with everyone else in the speedboat pulling them.) CROW: I don't know...I just don't buy it!! > SCOOBY: (Licks his chops)Scooby-Dooby-Doo! Let's start eating! > VELMA: (Laughs)That's Scooby for you! He even eats while he water-skis! > SHAGGY: Well, like, uh, skiing gives yoou an appetite! MIKE: Shaggy...walking evidence of the drug addiction Munchie factor. > FREDDY: It sure was nice of your uncle to lend us his boat, Velma. TOM: [Freddy] Especially after you burned down his house! > DAPHNE: It's a beauty! Even has a radio!(Turns the radio on) > RADIO: And police are still without clues to the mysterious disappearance > of $2,000,000 worth of Indian pearls stolen from the airport customs > building.(Daphne turns it off) CROW: [Daphne] How come they don't ever talk about how beautiful I look? > VELMA: It sure is a mystery how those crooks got those pearls out. The > paper said that the customs building was built like a vault MIKE: With three walls, that is. > and the > door was locked! > FREDDY: Yeah! The only one inside was that million-year-old shark monster! > DAPHNE: And he couldn't have done it! TOM: [Daphne] Because sharks don't appreciate the beauty of pearls! CROW: [Freddy] Shut up, Daphne. >(At that moment, another speedboat sideswipes them, causing Scooby and Shaggy > to lose their food.) > SHAGGY: Yipe!(A shark surfaces and starts eating the food) MIKE: Funny, that. > VELMA: Jinkies! Look! > SHAGGY: (Looks back)Zoickes! Look out, Scooby! Shark off your port rump! TOM: [Scooby] Ruuumm! Rounds Relicious!!! > SCOOBY: Shark? Where?(Looks back and sees the shark, which is trying to bite > him)Yeoow! > DAPHNE: Hurry! Get him away before that shark has a REAL Scooby Snack!(The > shark starts taking bites out of Scooby's skis) MIKE: Hey! This was in the title sequence! TOM: Good, you've been paying attention! > SHAGGY: Like, wow! A ski-eating shark!(The speedboat runs aground, and > inertia causees Scooby and Shaggy to get stuck to a cliff face by > their skis) CROW: I guess wild takes don't work with text. > FREDDY: Are you guys all right? > SHAGGY: Like, sure! That shark didn't scare us!*He and Scooby faint, and > flip upside-down) MIKE: That would be funny if we knew what that looked like. >(After Scooby and Shaggy come to and get off their skis, Daphne looks at a > hole in the speedboat's hull caused by running aground) > DAPHNE: Jeepers! It looks like we're stuck on this beach! TOM: No! Ya think? > SHAGGY: And, like, we'll never get up that cliff! CROW: You know, it's a wonder that this team ever succeeded at anything. > FREDDY: Maybe we can make it.(Shot on the cliff, panning up) MIKE: [Fred] That is, if we were both on steroids and had rocket-assisted takeoff. > All we need is > our anchor, our ski rope, and little good gold yankee ingenuity! > SCOOBY: Inge...ingenuity? > SHAGGY: That's a fancy word, Scoob, for TOM: [Shaggy] The ability that I have to make a bong out of a lead pipe. > doing it the hard way. >(The anchor is thrown to the top, witht he ski rope tied to it. Everyone > starts climbing the rope.) CROW: What, that anchor must weigh about 350, maybe? MIKE: Apparently, Fred and the gang use that stuff He-Man uses. > FREDDY: We're almost to the top, and then we'll be safe!(Pan up the the top > of the cliff, where an unfrozen demon shark is looking down at them.) TOM: Figures. CROW: C'mon, sharkie, just cut the rope, and it'll be all over! >(Everyone is standing atop the cliff.) > DAPHNE: Well, we made it! TOM: [Daphne] Just take our word for it. > SHAGGY: Yeah! But it's so foggy, I...I can't see a thing! MIKE: [Daphne] Well, why don't you put down your bong, then? > FREDDY: Come on, we need to find a phone to call for help! CROW: [Fred] Up here, at the top of an inaccesible cliff. >(Everyone starts walking. Then there's a pointless shot of the demon shark > looking around.) TOM: If you ask me, *everything* in this show is pointless. > SHAGGY: How do we get out of this fog? > SCOOBY: (Holds up a paw to stop Shaggy, then shows one of his retractable > claws, wich he uses to cut a doorway through the fog)Scooby-Doo! > (Everyone walks through) [ALL laugh] > SHAGGY: Nice work, Scoob! Why didn't you think of that before? MIKE: [Scooby] Rause it ras rontrived ror me! TOM: What? MIKE: Sorry. Slipped into Scooby-speak. I said, "'Cause it was contrived for me." >(The gang, as they are usually called, is standing under a sign reading > "AQUALAND.") > VELMA: Look! We're inside Aqualand! CROW: Oh, *really*? TOM: Velma is like Deanna Troi, for some reason. > FREDDY: Hey! We climbed up right into the aquarium! > SHAGGY: (Laughs)We knew it all the time, didn't we, Scoob? MIKE: [Scooby] Uhh...no? > SCOOBY: Uh-huh!(Both laugh as a door opens with a low, scary creak, > revealing two sinister eyes) > SHAGGY: Do you hear a low, scary creak! > SCOOBY: Uh-huh! A low, scary creak! CROW: ARRRRGHGHH!! Shut up about your damn low, scary creaks!! MIKE: Take it easy, Crow. > SHAGGY: Yike!(The door opens all the way, revealing the roaring demon shark) TOM: Aw, we knew it already. > ALL: IT'S THE DEMON SHARK! > FREDDY: That's our cue to skidoo!(The chase scene begins) CROW: [imitates chase music] > VELMA: Faster! He's gaining on us!)Shot of the demon shark running after > them) MIKE: [Velma] Well, the shot of him is gaining on us!! > SCOOBY: Help!(Jumps into Shaggy's arms, but Shaggy switches places with him) TOM: That's a neat trick. > SHAGGY: You can run faster! You've got more feet! CROW: [Shaggy] Just like I can get higher because I have more weed! > (Everyone runs offscreen) > Zoickes! > FREDDY: Look out for that pool! > DAPHNE: Yeow!(*splash*) >(Everyone is riding on the tails of dolphins. MIKE: Take our word for it. > Scooby is trailing the pack.) > SCOOBY: (gurgling)Yeooooow!(The dolphins leap through a ring, then straight > up in the air, then fling the gang onto a trampoline with their > tails, then make that sound they make and dive underwater in > unison.) TOM: [dolphins] Eat *that*, human scum! > SHAGGY: Like, wow! That was some ride! > VELMA: At least we got away from that creepy demon shark! > SHAGGY: Yeah, but not far enough!(He and Scooby try to run away, but Freddy > holds them back) > FREDDY: Not so fast! There's a mystery here to be solved! CROW: [Freddy] Remember the theme song? > You want everyone > to think you're a coward? > SHAGGY: Like, uh, when you put it that way...(in unison with Scooby)YEAH! > (They try to run again, and get held back again) MIKE: Cowardice is so fun!! > FREDDY: Hold it, Shag! > VELMA: Fred's right! Let's start searching for clues and get to the bottom > of this mystery! TOM: The mystery thickens, like rancid pea soup. MIKE: Let's get outta here. [all exit theater] [commercials] [SoL Bridge] [A Christmas tree (holiday bush) has been erected atop the desk. It is quite small, and is made of paper. CROW and TOM are behind it, looking at the gifts underneath] CROW: Man! I hope I got a bunch of *good* presents! TOM: We won't know until next week. CROW: Well, that is unless we *peek*... TOM: No, Crow...You wouldn't! CROW: Come on, just a little peek... [CROW sticks his beak underneath one of the gifts, and is about to chomp on the box, and open it, when...MIKE walks in.] MIKE: Hey! What's going on here? CROW: Oooops... [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: We've got TV SIGN!!! CROW: MMMMPPPPPHHH!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [SoL Theater] >(Everyone is standing outside a door. Velma points to a sign.) > VELMA: Look! "M. Dreyfus, Manager!" MIKE: [Velma] Hooked On Phonics Worked for me!!! > DAPHNE: Hey, there's a light on! He must be working late! > FREDDY: Maybe he can answer a few questions about that demon shark. >(Inside...) TOM: ...was a dead mouse. > DREYFUS: Ahh, then you've already seen the demon shark. I have reason to > believe that Professor Beaker, our biologist, brought it back to > life. CROW: They hired a Muppet! > VELMA: You mean he gave life to a creature that's been dead for over a > million years? MIKE: Wow! Just like _Jurassic Park_! > DREYFUS: Yes. Mr. Wells, my assistant, told me Beaker has a book of spells. > DAPHNE: A book of spells? > DREYFUS: Ancient Hindu spells that can revive the dead.(Scooby gulps)I figure > Professor Beaker must have used it to cast a spell on the creature. TOM: Yeah...right. > SHAGGY: (Gulps)I wish we has a spell that could bring that thing back to > dead! MIKE: Give it a _Jack-In-The-Box_ hamburger. >(Shot of the demon shark looking in an open window very conspicuously, then > leaving) > FREDDY: Hey, Shag! That's a great idea! Let's talk to Professor Beaker and > get a look at that book! CROW: [Freddy] After we provide some more exposition! >(Later, at the Aqualand Laboratory...) > BEAKER: Impossible! I tell you, Mr. Dreyfus is seeing things! Having > hallucinations! TOM: [Beaker] Meep! Meep! > VELMA: He's not the only one, Professor. We've seen the monster too! > SCOOBY: Yeah! Yeah! > BEAKER: Oh, but that's impossible! MIKE: [Beaker] But, I guess you kids are totally baked, then. > Ever since it arrived from India, the > creature has been right in this room, right here!(Pulls back a > curtain, revealing the still-frozen demon shark)It hasn't moved a > muscle in over a...a million years! CROW: I wonder why that shark still has flesh. > VELMA: What about the book of spells Mr. Dreyfus said you had? > BEAKER: Book of spells? Uh...I...that is...there WAS a book of spells. Mr. > Wells, the assistant manager, showed it to me once. Uh, but I > haven't seen it in months. TOM: It's either him or Mr. Wells. > VELMA: Thanks, Professor Beaker. I think maybe we oughta have a chat with > Mr. Wells. > BEAKER: He's not in his office. No telling where he is. > VELMA: Don't worry, Professor. We'll find him.(The ice starts melting > again) MIKE: It's that plot point again!!! CROW: When will they split up? >(Everyone is walking by a fish tank.) > FREDDY: We've talked to the professor and Dreyfus. And someone isn't telling > the truth. CROW: And I'll bet it's Beaker. The shifty eyes...those mean features...that criminal jawline... > VELMA: The key to this mystery is that book. Then we'll find out what's > really going on. > FREDDY: Right. So let's split up and look for Wells and that book. CROW: Ah. There it is. I was getting impatient. > SHAGGY: Uh, I-I think it'd be a lot safer if we all stay together.(He and > Scooby stop) MIKE: ...smoking a joint. > DAPHNE: Well, there's nothing to worry about as long as the demon shark is > safely on ice in the professor's laboratory.(Scooby nods) CROW: Famous last words... > SHAGGY: (Leans against the tank, which the demon shark has just appeared in) > Yeah, I guess Daphne's right. It's silly to worry when we saw it on > ice.(The demon shark roars)ZOICKES!(He and Scooby run away. The > demon shark swims out and gives chase) TOM: By NOW, shouldn't they figure out that the demon SHARK is fake?! MIKE: They still have thirty minutes left to fill. > Like, one bite from those jaws and we're goners! > SCOOBY: Yeah!(Shot of the demon shark on a ledge, roaring in the moonlight) TOM: Another stolen cliché! >(Meanwhile, the others are searching for Mr. Wells in a fog bank.) > FREDDY: I wonder where Mr. Wells could be. > VELMA: It won't be easy finding him in all this fog!(A beam of light shines > in front of them) > DAPHNE: Oh my gosh! What's that? CROW: [Velma] A plot point! > (Pan right to a shadowy figure with a > flashlight emerging from the fog. It turns out to be Mr. Wells) TOM: Creeping around with a flashlight...in the fog...the criminal is Wells. CROW: Five RAM chips says it's Beaker! TOM: Deal! > Oh! Uh--you must be Mr. Wells...I hope. > WELLS: That's right. What are you doing here? > FREDDY: Looking for you! We want to ask you about the demon shark. MIKE: [Wells] Oh, so that makes me the *authority* of demon sharks, eh? Feh! > WELLS: You mean, you've seen him? > DAPHNE: Twice. Twice too often. > WELLS: You'd better come with me to my office and tell me everything you > can. CROW: [Wells] ...naked. MIKE: Crow!! >(Later, at his office...) TOM: The kegger had just gotten interesting. > VELMA: ...and Professor Beaker said you had the book of Hindu spells. > WELLS: I remember Beaker reading it, but I haven't seen it since. > FREDDY: And you say you've never actually seen the demon shark? > WELLS: Never. That is, except the frozen specimen in Beaker's laboratory. CROW: But since it's a frozen shark, why does it have to be a *demon*? MIKE: This is from the Hollywood point of view. If it's unknown, it must be evil. > DAPHNE: (Her elbow hits a cabinet on Wells's desk, and a drawer comes out > of it)What--? > VELMA: A secret drawer! CROW: Man! General Custer could have used Velma at hs last stand! > WELLS: Yes. Cabinet work is my hobby.(Pushes the drawer back in) MIKE: Criminal. TOM: Pay up, Crow. CROW: It's not done yet! > When this > cabinet is finished, it will have several secret drawers,(presses a > button on top of the cabinet, revealing two more drawers)and a false > bottom. TOM: [Wells] And not only that, but it will cut through a metal disc, an aluminum rod, an I-beam, and a 50-carat diamond! Wait! Don't leave yet! There's more!! > VELMA: Thanks for the demonstration, Mr. Wells. Maybe later you can show us > more of your work. MIKE: [Velma] Nudge, nudge...wink,wink... > FREDDY: Right now, we'd better keep looking for the book of spells. > WELLS: (pause)I hope you find it. Good luck.(laughs) CROW: Oh, boy...I may be 5 RAM chips poorer soon... >(Meanwhile, back with the comedy relief...) TOM: Really? Where? >(Scooby and Shaggy are sneaking around, being followed by the demon shark. > Scooby stops, rears up on his hind legs, his ears stand up, he looks around, > and he licks his chops.) MIKE: Munchie Factor time again, guys. > SHAGGY: Whatcha got in the scope, Scoob?(Follows Scooby until he stops, > stands again, points at a sign reading "SNACK BAR", and slurps > again) Snack bar bearing 2 degrees off our port stomachs! CROW: Shaggy must have had a secret dream of being in the Navy. > Hoo-hoo-hoo! You did it again, Sherlock Bones! It's the famous > Aqualand Pie-in-the-Sky revolving restaurant! > SCOOBY: Pie-in-the-sky?(They both start running towards it) TOM: Kind of a weird place to build a revolving restaurant. What would you see? > SHAGGY: We'll search for the spellbook up there. That way, if we can't find > it, well, uh, *ahem* maybe we'll get lucky and find something to > eat!(Licks his lips) MIKE: *What* lips? > SCOOBY: Yeah!(They enter the elevator leading to the restaurant, and the > doors close just before the demon shark gets there) CROW: [disappointed] Just a little longer... >(After they leave the elevator...) > SHAGGY: You think maybe the book of spells could be hidden inside one of > those pies, Scoob? TOM: That's the lamest excuse to eat something I've ever heard! If ya want to eat the pie, just DO IT!! MIKE: Nike. > SCOOBY: Maybe! > SHAGGY: Like, we'll just have to bite into every one just to make sure! CROW: Ewww. That's *very* unhygenic. > SCOOBY: (laughs)Yeah!(They start eating the pies. Back outside, the shark > demon has just entered the elevator and is heading up to the > restaurant. Scooby and Shaggy have already finished) TOM: Man. Those steroids really pay off! > SHAGGY: We bombed out, Scoob, but that was the TASTIEST search we ever made! > Say, do you think the book could be hidded in the kitcen, like > inside a salami, or a liverwurst? MIKE: Try a *cabinet*, ya doorknob! > SCOOBY: (Smacks his lips)Yeah! Liverwurst!(They both head for the kitchen. > Once inside, they make huge sandwiches) > SHAGGY: That should do it, Scoob! > SCOOBY: Yeah! CROW: [Scooby] Indigestion! > SHAGGY: On your mark, get set, go!(They both start eating, then Shaggy spots > something on the shelf)Company, halt! TOM: Yep...Shaggy has delusions of being in the Navy, or something. > (Scooby stops)Look!(On the > shelf is a book titled "SECRET SPELLS OF GASTRONOMY" which Shaggy > takes)"Secret Spells of Gastronomy!"(laughs)We found it, Scoob, we > found the spellbook! MIKE: They're not very bright, are they? > It just shows a fella has to keep his eyes > open! CROW: [Shaggy] Otherwise he just bumps into stuff. TOM: Ah, how true. > (The demon shark looks around the corner and sees them)Like, > are we gonna give that demon shark a big surprise! MIKE: Hold that thought. > (The demon shark > sneaks over to a lever marked "REVOLVING CONTROL" and sets it to > "FAST." The restaurant starts spinning ridiculously fast. TOM: How can you tell in a script? > Scooby > looks out at the spinning scenery)Like, hey, what's happening?(They > both get sucked out of the kitchen and make their way toards the > elevator) CROW: No, if this show used the true laws of physics, they'd be in Rancho Cucamonga by now. > SCOOBY: Help!(When they get to the bottom, they breathe a sigh of relief, > then they hear the demon shark roaring overhead) > SHAGGY: ZOICKES! It's the demon shark! He must be after the spellbook! Here, > Scoob!(Gives it to Scooby, then runs off.) > SCOOBY: Huh?(Follows Shaggy) MIKE: Yeah. Exactly. *Huh*? CROW: This show is becoming increasingly nonsensical. >(At that moment, Freddy and the girls are searching Professor Beaker's lab > for clues.) CROW: Y'know..."clues", nudge, nudge...wink,wink! > VELMA: We're probably wasting our time searching Beaker's laboratory. > FREDDY: You're Probably right. TOM: [Freddy] ...but we have to keep padding the show. > We have to make sure.(Spots a tarp)Say, I > wonder what's under that tarp?(Pulls off the tarp, revealing several > empty crates labelled "FRESH OYSTERS" and "SAM'S FISH MARKET") > DAPHNE: That's strange. There's nothing but empty oyster crates! MIKE: Well, I think if we were watching it, we would know! CROW: Why does everyone have to state the obvious?!! > VELMA: From Sam's Fish Market! Why would an aquarium buy oysters from a > fish market? I hate to say it, but there's something awfully fishy > about this. ALL: [groan] MIKE: I hate smarmy puns. >(**SUDDEN SCENE CHANGE**) >(Scooby and Shaggy are running from the demon shark. Shaggy is holding the > book, but loses it when he runs into a park bench. It lands on a rock in a > pool) TOM: Oh...okaaay... > SHAGGY: Zoickes! Look!(A crab walks onto the rock, grabs the book, and walks > back into the water)The crab grabbed the spellbook! What're we gonna > do, Scoob? We gotta get that book back before Old Sharkface shows up > again! CROW: Tell the crab it's a Red Lobster cookbook. > SCOOBY: Look!(Points at a sign) > SHAGGY: "Scuba Gear Locker Room!" Good idea, Scoob! Just what we need to go > down after that book!(They enter the locker room. Scooby laughs) MIKE: [Scooby] Heh hee...I don't get it. >(Later, outside Mr. Dreyfus's office...) >(The door opens and Mr. Dreyfus steps out, but neglects to lock the door > behind him. TOM: Movie clichés always work. > Freddy and the girls watch him leave from behind a bush.) > FREDDY: Shhh. Come on. Now's our chance to search for the spellbook in Mr. > Dreyfus's office. CROW: IfyaknowwhatImean!!! >(After a short search...) > FREDDY: Look! This brochure was lying on the desk! MIKE: [Freddy] Hell, I know it's a contrived plot. I can't complain. > VELMA: What is it? > FREDDY: An ad for the forthcoming exhibit of rare Indian pearls at the > county museum! TOM: Coincidence? I think *not*! CROW: Oh, boy... > DAPHNE: The same Indian pearls that were stolen last week at the airport! > VELMA: And look at this! It's a shipping order to ship oysters from here to > the Aqualand in Florida! MIKE: This guy's going down. > FREDDY: Oysters, huh? Something tells me that Mr. Dreyfus will bear > watching(?!). TOM: [Freddy] Now I can get in my obligatory peeping session, heh, heh. > VELMA: Come on, let's find Shaggy and Scooby!(As they leave, the demon > shark looks in the window, watches them leave, and roars) CROW: M.G.M. >(commercials) >(Everyone is together again. Scooby and Shaggy are wearing diving suits) > DAPHNE: Boy, you're really something, Shaggy! We spend the night searching > for the spellbook while you and Scooby play around with crabs and > oysters! CROW: [Shaggy] Why? I've got my *own* crabs! MIKE: CROW!!! No V.D. jokes! > SHAGGY: Oh yeah? I'll show you who's playing around! Right, Scoob? > SCOOBY: Right! > SHAGGY: (Holds up a sack)It just so happens we've got the spellbook right > i--YEOOW!(Pulls out his hand, which is attached to a crab, which > is attached to the "spellbook." The book flies into Velma's arms) TOM: Seeing that it had wings and all. > VELMA: "Secret Spells of Gastronomy?" You really hit the jackpot, Shaggy! > (Opens the book)Listen to THIS spell! "Boil spaghetti for 10 > minutes, add anchovies, clam sauce, tomatoes and onions and simmer > over low heat." MIKE: What's so special about *that* recipe? That's ordinary spaghetti! *I* could do that! >(Scooby licks his chops)Gastronomy means "good eating." What you found is a > cookbook! > SCOOBY: (with Shaggy)COOKBOOK?!(Both laugh. Suddenly, the shark demon > appears!) CROW: [Woofer, from Clue Club] I knew it all the time. MIKE: Right now, I think I'd rather see Clue Club. > SHAGGY: Zoickes! It's the demon shark!(The demon shark roars at them, and > Scooby leaps into Shaggy's arms, dropping the sack which spills out > several oysters. The demon shark grunts and motions towards them) TOM: Uhhh...wha? CROW: Maybe he's flipping them off. > FREDDY: I think he wants the oysters! > VELMA: And I think you'd better give them to him, Shaggy! TOM: Thrill as the Scooby Doo gang passes the buck! > SHAGGY: Y-y-yeah! Y-y-ou g-give him the o-oysters, Scooby MIKE: [Shaggy] I've dd-d-developed a s-s-stut-tering problem! > SCOOBY: Huh? M-me? Uh-uh!(The demon shark keeps roaring. Scooby gladly > scoops up the oysters, puts them in the sack, and gives them to the > demon shark. Growling greedily, the demon shark grabs the bag and > leaves) TOM: Hunh. Neat. > DAPHNE: What's a ghost gonna do with all those oysters? > SHAGGY: I don't know about him, but if it was me, I'd CROW: [Shaggy] ...smoke 'em! > fry 'em in butter, > sprinkle a little salt on 'em, and...(laughs) > VELMA: Will you stop thinking about food for five seconds?! MIKE: [Shaggy] Like, okay. 1...2...3...4...5...Oysters!! > FREDDY: Hmm...are there any more oysters down there? > SHAGGY: Hundreds of 'em! > FREDDY: I think I'm beginning to see what's been going on. We've had a lot > of clues, and just didn't put 'em together! TOM: [sarcastically] Yeah, sure, Sherlock. > VELMA: You're right, Fred! And if you're thinking what I'm thinking, CROW: [Fred ala Pinky] But I don't have an enema kit! MIKE: CROW!!! CROW: Sorry, that was a little in bad taste. > Old > Creepy is gonna come back to this tank for the rest of those > oysters! > FREDDY: Exactly! So we'd better arrange a welcome party! MIKE: [Shaggy] I'll bring the bongs! >(Soon...) TOM: How soon? MIKE: Does it really matter? >(The oyster pool has a net over it. The net is held up by a crane. Freddy is > inflating a diving suit until it gets lodged in a doorway.) > FREDDY: There, that should do it! > SHAGGY: It better. One more pump and it's liable to explode! CROW: Shaggy has a B.S. in Advanced Hydrodynamics. > FREDDY: Okay Scoob, you ready for a dry run?(Scooby runs through the > doorway, under the inflated diving suit, on all fours, then runs > back)That's perfect! Scoob's low enough to pass right through! > Scooby will lead him down the alley, he'll smack right into it, > bounce off... TOM: turn the crank, and snap the plank... CROW: And boomp the ball right down the chute! MIKE: And watch it roll and hit the pole... CROW: And flip the man...into the pan... TOM: The trap is set...now comes the net! MIKE: Whoo, that was fun! > DAPHNE: And land in the net! CROW: [Daphne] Well, not exactly, given what's happened before. Scoob still has to mess up the original plan and then cause enough confusion to still catch the bad guy! > SHAGGY: And I'll be inside the crane ready to scoop up Old Creepy up, up, > and a-way! TOM: Insert favourite superhero catchphrase. > FREDDY: Okay, Scoob, you all set? > SCOOBY: (Stands on his hind legs and flexes his biceps)Yeah! All set! MIKE: [Scooby, ala Hans] I will pump...you up! >(Scooby looks around a corner at the approaching demon shark and snickers. He > comes out into the open wearing a straw hat, twirling a cane, and whistling. CROW: [southern voice] Well, I be! Muffin done come home! > The demon shark, who is still carrying the sack of oysters, walks up to him > and roars. Scooby snatches the sack and carries it away, on his HIND LEGS. TOM: So the plan won't work as specified. MIKE: This is so predictable. > Enraged, the demon shark gives chase. Shaggy sees them coming, and readies > the crane.) > DAPHNE: Here he comes! > FREDDY: Oh, no! CROW: [Freddy] Wait! What am I worried about! We've got the writers on our side! > VELMA: Scooby's running on his hind legs! he'll never get...(Scooby bounces > off the suit and into the net)through.(Shaggy, not knowing it's > Scooby, pulls him up. ALL: Waah...wahhh...WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! > The demon shark doesn't fare much better, > however. He runs right into it, and it springs a leak, and carries > the demon shark into the air. He land in the pool, then flies > straight up into the net holding Scooby, and is left dangling > helplessly) TOM: I saw it coming a mile away. > SCOOBY: Heeelp! > DAPHNE: We got him! > VELMA: And Scooby too! > FREDDY: Lower Scooby down, Shaggy! MIKE: [Shaggy] Uh, like...I'm taking care of it already, guys! > SHAGGY: (Does as Freddy asks, but has a slight problem)Whoops!(Scooby and > the demon shark start spinning around until they fly off the crane > and land next to the other, with the demon shark trapped under the > net, and Scooby in the sack) CROW: How convenient. > FREDDY: We trapped the demon shark! TOM: No...*really*? >(Scooby is trembling) > SHAGGY: You okay, Scoob? > SCOOBY: (Still shaking)I think so!(Freddy pulls off the sack) > DAPHNE: Poor Scooby's got the chills from his dunking! MIKE: [Daphne] I'm gonna milk as much exposition out of this show as I can! > VELMA: I don't think so! Open wide, Scooby!(Scooby opens his mouth, > revealing an oyster with a pearl necklace inside) CROW: Damn, he's greedy. > FREDDY: Just like we thought! TOM: [Freddy] Scooby's a stoner! > SHAGGY: Zoickes! I know oysters can have pearls, but a whole pearl necklace? > DAPHNE: (Finds pearl earrings inside another oyster)And pearl earrings! > SHAGGY: I've heard of Oysters Rockefeller, but this is ridiculous! MIKE: They would be Oysters Gates now. > VELMA: Uh-uh. It's not ridiculous at all! Right, Fred? > FREDDY: Right. It all adds up to the solution to the Mystery of the Ghost of > the Demon Shark. Now let's see if he's who we THINK he is.(Removes > the mask) CROW: Beaker! TOM: Wells! CROW: Beaker! TOM: Wells! > VELMA: It's him, all right. Mr. Wells. CROW: Aw, man. [hands TOM five RAM chips] TOM: Whoo, baby!!! >(The next day, after the police arrived...) > BEAKER: I still don't understand how you figured out the mystery. MIKE: [Freddy] well, actually it was all laid out for us. > FREDDY: It's simple, Professor. The real demon shark is still frozen in your > lab. > BEAKER: Yes? CROW: Oui? > FREDDY: (Holds up the costume head)But Wells used this costume to pose as > the demon shark to make it seem that it had been brought back to > life. > OFFICER: But why would he do that? TOM: To scare someone off. > VELMA: Because he wanted to scare Dreyfus, the manager, off the job.(Scooby > nods) TOM: God. I'm a swami. > OFFICER: Why is that? > FREDDY: To answer that, let's start with the crime. While he was in India > dredging up the demon, Wells read about the jewel shipment and > arranged for the demon to be shipped on the same plane. CROW: A flawless plan with one flaw. > VELMA: Then Wells used his expert skill at cabinet making to construct a > secret hiding place for himself in the base of the real demon's > cabinet! MIKE: Y'know, that kinda doesn't hold water. How did that guy get security clearance anyway? > FREDDY: After the guards locked the customs building, he sneaked out, > snatched the pearls, and ducked back in! > OFFICER: So now he had the pearls. But, why did he wanna scare off Mr. > Dreyfus? TOM: [Freddy] 'Cause he was a dink. > DAPHNE: Wells had hidden the pearls inside some frozen oysters from Sam's > Fish Market.(Holds up one of the crates)And then he put them in a > tank with the live oysters, intending to ship them out of the state > to another Aqualand in Florida, where he could pick them up later! CROW: So where the hell are they now? Massachusetts? > (Scooby sniffs the crate, and recoils. He hates clams) MIKE: Just like we hate crappy plot contrivances. > VELMA: It was the only way to get the pearls past all the police > roadblocks! > SHAGGY: But, like, Mr. Dreyfus wouldn't permit the shipment. So he tried to > scare him away with the demon shark costume!(Scooby does an > impression of the demon shark) TOM: Well, that was pointless. > FREDDY: Then he could take over the manager's job and authorize the oyster > shipment himself! CROW: Although he could have probably tried to get a job there instead of going to all that trouble. > BEAKER: Then all that searching you did was a waste of time! MIKE: [Beaker] Which means that this episode was a waste of time. > FREDDY: Right on, heh! Wells was just trying to confuse everyone! > OFFICER: But you kids don't fool easy. And you showed up just in time to foul > up his plans. MIKE: [Wells] I would have gotten awa- TOM: Do it and die, Nelson. >(Later, everyone is picking up where they left off, only with Shaggy in the > speedboat this time) > VELMA: I never thought Scooby'd go water-skiing again after that shark > practically ate up his skis! CROW: [Velma] It's like when people still fly ValuJet. > SHAGGY: Like, me neither, but this time he isn't taking any chances! Look! > (Points at Scooby, who is skiiing in a suit of armor) MIKE: ...the hell? > SCOOBY: (Removes his helmet and looks at the audience)Scooby-Dooby-Doo!!! TOM: And we are...outta here! [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL Bridge] CROW: You know, that really wasn't that bad. MIKE: Well, it *was* a good cartoon before Hanna-Barbera hacked it into a million pieces. TOM: Maybe Pearl's gone soft. [red MADS light goes off] MIKE: We'll know in a second. [WMoD] [PEARL, BOBO and OBSERVER are stuffed full of food, reclining on the seats.] PEARL: Well, hello, boys...I've had a nice dinner. Well, against my better nature, I've decided to let you guys have a little vacation. Of course, you won't be able to leave the Satellite, but I won't show you any movies or posts in that time. [gives very innocent face]. [SoL] MIKE: Well, thanks, Pearl. TOM: Yeah, I guess you're not so bad after all! [WMoD] PEARL: Aw, you're so sweet...[reaches forward and prepares to push the "Send Movie" button. There is hesitiation for one tension-filled moment.] [SoL] [ALL lean forward, trembling ever so slightly.] [WMoD] [PEARL keeps finger over button, but then takes it off.] PEARL: Aw, what the hell...Happy holidays, you guys. [fade to credits] MST3K created by JOEL HODGSON MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS "Scooby Doo: Demon Shark" transcripted by MICHAEL BILICA Scooby-Doo (in its many forms) is copyright Hanna-Barbera. MST3K is the property of Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. No infringement is intended or should be inferred. Copyrighted characters used for entertainment purposes only. I'm not in this for the money, I'm in it for the kicks. SHAGGY: How do we get out of this fog? SCOOBY: (Holds up a paw to stop Shaggy, then shows one of his retractable claws, wich he uses to cut a doorway through the fog)Scooby-Doo! (Everyone walks through) Keep circulating the fics 10 December 1997