THE SHOWGIRLS MEGA-MSTING A Project of Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings * MSTed by: Arsenal 13, Damien Karolev, Jack Acid, Jamie Jeans, John Felix, Justin Golden, Morden and Seth C. Triggs * Edited by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) * Transcript by: Jamie Jeans and Seth C. Triggs * Host segments by: Morden (created by Jamie Jeans) [Roll Season 9 Theme] Tom: Good morning, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. It seems that Crow has developed a bit of a gambling addiction... Crow: Seven...seven...plum! Crap! Mike: Good morning, Tom, Crow...CROW?!? What are you doing? Crow: Oh, just having a try with Lady Luck...CRAP! Mike: I don't remember having a slot machine installed in here... Crow: Well, some guy came up here and did it. Mike: Some GUY?!? What guy? Crow: Oh, you know, the guy with the cheap suit and greased hair, and he smelled kinda funny too. I'm surprised you didn't see him. Mike: Crow, where did you get that money? Crow: Your credit card. Mike: What!?! Mike: Oh, what now? Cambot, give me rocket #9. Guy: Hello, Mr. Robot, I'm sure you're pleased with your rigg...er...that is to say, your slot machine? Crow: Oh, hello, Mr. Sleaze. Yes, I'm very happy. Now I'm sure one more would do it... Bar...bar...CRAP! Mike: Hey, Nanites, you suppose you could go in that slot machine and take a look around? I've got some suspicions... Nanite: Right-o, Mike! We're on our way! Mr. Sleaze [alarmed]: Oh no, Mike! I can't let your Nanites go into the slot machine...it's a violation of the contract! Mike: Hey, I didn't sign any contract. Mike: Oh, by the way, Mr. Sleaze, could you get us a ride off this satellite? Mr. Sleaze: Well, I suppose I might be able to get you off...for a fee. By the way, Mike, your credit card is completely maxxed out. You've made me a very wealthy man. Mike: Why, I oughta... Mike: Okay, the Nanites are done. Mike: What did you find? Nanite: Whew! That slot machine is rigged eight ways from Tuesday! If I were you, I'd find whomever that belongs to, and throw him out the nearest airlock! Mike: I'll do just that! Mike: What the...hey! Tom: Well, I guess he ran off while you were schmoozing with the Nanites, Mike. You know, it's just like you to let that kind of creep get away. Mike: Well it wasn't my fault! Crow: Yeah, Mike. You should have AT LEAST tried to stop me from squandering your entire line of credit! Mike: But I did! I mean... Mike: Great. Pearl is calling. Pearl: Ah, good morning, Nelson. Are you ready for today's experiment? Mike: Well, Crow maxed out my credit card, and we just lost another chance to get off the satellite, so I was hoping we could...maybe...skip today's experiment? Pearl: Too bad! Observer? Observer: Most of the tripe we've sent your way has come from decades past. However, we've neglected the garbage that our own decade, the 90s, has produced! In a tribute to all the bad movies we've ignored in the past, we have taken a list of every movie produced since 1/1/1990, and narrowed it down to a single movie. It's a movie written by none other than Joe Eszterhas. Showgirls! Enjoy! Tom: Eszterhas? We're in for it. Mike: We've got MOVIE SIGN!!! [door sequence] > SHOWGIRLS > Written by Joe Eszterhas TOM: Produced by Ed Wood. > Directed by Paul Verhoeven CROW: Proudly proclaimed Worst Movie of... um... hey Mike, what year was it again? MIKE: Sorry, but to protect my sanity, I forgot the movie entirely. [pause] This isn't going to be fun. > > [Scene: Highway] MIKE: Oh, that narrows it down. TOM: (laughs) > [We see NOMI (Elizabeth Berkely, otherwise known as Jesse Spano > from "Saved by the Bell"). CROW: I hope to god that Samuel Powers doesn't make a cameo! MIKE: The mother of all neurotic bitches strikes again... CROW: Man, I bet she longed for those days. TOM: Why'd she do this movie again? CROW: It was supposed to further her career I think. TOM: Hah! That's like saying Michael Bolton should further his career by doing Playgirl! MIKE: Eww... bad thought, Tom! > She is wearing a black leather jacket, > with cowboy-type frills making a "V" around her chest. MIKE: Saved by the Bell: the S&M years... TOM: 'V' for 'Victory'? CROW: 'V' for 'Va-va-VOOM!! > We see a > sign at the right of the screen that tells us Nomi is 342 miles > from Las Vegas. CROW: Which is *just* barely inside the 350-mile safety radius... MIKE: Yes, Vegas! America's drain-trap of civil decay! TOM: And about a million miles from any good actor... including herself. > Nomi is hitchhiking, and is unsuccessful, until > a blue pickup truck pulls over. Country music starts playing as > this happens. CROW: [singing] I made love in this, and that's allright with me... TOM: [as Nomi] Hey! Knock off that racket, God! MIKE: Gee, she must be doing something wrong... TOM: Slut level seems OK... > > DRIVER: Hop in, pard! [The driver is wearing a cowboy hat. He > looks like a stereotypical country fellow.] TOM: Hey, where's the rest of the Village People? MIKE: Fellow, driving on top of Highway. CROW: ... on way to city. TOM [unenthusiastically]: Yee-hah. > > NOMI: Where are you going? TOM: [driver] Directly to jail, I can't pass GO, and I can't collect $200. > > DRIVER: Vegas! Come on, this is your lucky day. MIKE: Except for the nagging feeling that we're in a Joe Eszterhas film... TOM: [big announcer voice] SUNNY VICTORVILLE, CA! Home of 120 degree heat and A MALL! CROW: You think the powers that be are bitter? [Voice over]: DAMN SKIPPY! > > NOMI: > [Truck drives off] CROW: Oh no! It's making a getaway! MIKE: She must have spooked it... TOM: [as the driver] Come back, truck! She won't hurt ya! > DRIVER: You can sit a little bit closer if you want to. [Nomi takes out > knife] It was a bad idea! TOM: [driver] Must be that time of the year! MIKE [Texas accent]: Must be wun of those in-dependent fe-males ah keep hearin' 'bout. > > NOMI: Chill! Okay? TOM: ... in the desert? Sure. Good idea, I guess. MIKE: Geez, Nomi, I think you need to take some Prozac. > DRIVER: I'm chilling. I sure am glad you're gonna be such good > company! TOM: [Driver] Not like that ugly chick I dropped off down the road. I think her name was Janet Reno... > NOMI: TOM: No! Hasn't there been enough human-on-radio violence? MIKE: I think this is telling us that she's tough? CROW: Yes, Mike... it's quite hard to see at first, but that seems to be coming through. > > DRIVER: Jesus H! CROW: Hortense? TOM: Hugo? MIKE: Huevez? Crow and Tom glance at Mike. MIKE: Well, Jesus IS used as a Latino name... > NOMI: I don't like Garth Brooks. CROW: [Nomi] Ah here we go, MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS ARE FALLING LIKE RAIN!! TOM: Well, she's shown good taste if not intellect. CROW: That'll change by the end of the film. MIKE: The former, not the latter. > > DRIVER: Me neither. I don't know anybody who likes him. CROW: Joe Eszterhas? I don't like him at *all*, now... > You gonna keep that thing on me all the way to Vegas? CROW: Look, buddy, you're not going to get laid. MIKE: [Nomi] Yes, because I have the "bitch" attitude to maintain, and I hate hicks! TOM: Now, now, Mike... don't be harsh. > You got a name? TOM: [Nomi] Call me... Ishmael... MIKE: Ah, the guy who transcribed this is showing signs of break down CROW: I think he means that the driver paused and sighed. > Look, I'll just pull over and you can get out, > okay? I've been driving all the way from Kansas and I'm tired, and I > ain't in the mood to be pig stuck ALL: *Pig stuck*? CROW: [Driver] Yeah, I haven't been messed up like this, since my prized pig Betsy got stuck in the trough, and we had to grease her up with soap and grease and lift her out... MIKE: Stop it. > for doing somebody a favor... okay? So MIKE: [as the driver] ... bite me! > I'll just pull on over. TOM: Doing someone a favor? YOU'RE A TRUCK DRIVER!! MIKE: [driver] I haven't had such a bad day since they canceled "BJ and the Bear." CROW [Texas accent]: Ah don' lahke in-dependant fe-males! They kin hurt you! > [Driver swerves in front of semi, Nomi is thrown around the cab in > a manner resembling the old Star Trek "ship-shaking" scenes.] [Mike hums the theme to 'Amok Times'] TOM [William Shatner]: Scotty! I... need... more... sense! CROW [James Doohan]: I canna give ye anymore, cap'n! The movie, she's breaking up! > > NOMI: Uh! Uh! [closes knife] All right? > TOM: Wow, she's had a lot of practice with that thing. CROW: [Nomi] See? It's easy! Open. Close. Open. Close. Open. Cl-OW! I cut off my finger. > [Driver swerves back on to road] > > DRIVER: So... you got a name? I'm Jeff. CROW: Jeff Driver, on way to City! MIKE [Jeff]: There are some who call me... Tim. TOM: [Jeff] Bubba to my friends... > NOMI: Nomi. MIKE: No! Me! Me! CROW [Nomi]: To Nomi is to love me! TOM: [groan] > JEFF: What kind of name is that? > TOM: A name conjured up by a talentless hack. Next! > NOMI: My mother was Italian. CROW [Nomi]: And my father was a hamster. TOM: Huh? If so, why didn't she just contact the mob and get money so she wouldn't have to GO TO VEGAS AND START THIS WHOLE FREAKING-- MIKE: Tom! Tom! Calm down! You're gonna self-destruct if you keep it up! TOM: [breathing heavily] Th-thanks... Mike... > JEFF: Italian, huh? You one of those Mafia girls? That how you > got your blade? MIKE: And now Joe Eszterhas shows that he can insult the Italians too, strike 2. CROW: [Nomi] No, I used to shack up with Lorena Bobbitt, hint, hint... MIKE: [Jeff] Say no more!! > Why ya going to Vegas for? You gonna win? MIKE: ... A NEW CAR! CROW: She's gonna dance like she wants to win! MIKE: Let's see how many people get THAT one. > NOMI: I'm going to dance. CROW: Oh come on now, this is starting to sound like a bad Monty Python sketch! TOM: [Nomi] I'm going to dance... in my lumberjack costume! > > JEFF: You mean one of those private, escort, dancers? [Nomi punches him] > Okay, okay, I'm sorry. TOM: Learn to get along with psychopaths! Always be friendly... CROW: Come on, its Vegas. That's a legitimate question. MIKE: [Jeff] It's not my fault that I can see this coming from a mile away!! CROW: Foreshadowing: The Joe Eszterhas way. > > [Scene: Vegas highway. We see many high-rise hotels, and we can > see that they are on the Strip.] MIKE: Hey, at least we pinned the locale to a specific *state*... CROW: Hmm... MIKE: Don't, Crow. You'll have plenty of time for that later. > JEFF: There she is. TOM: [singing] Miss... America! MIKE: [Low growling voice] Ah Call 'er "Lucille". CROW: [Jeff] There's Sally Sue... still on the corner waiting for me... > > NOMI: You been here before? > > JEFF: Sure. I got an uncle. MIKE: Most of us do. What's that got to do with Las Vegas? > He's a host at the Riviera. Do you > gamble? CROW: [Nomi] Every time that I eat at Jack-In-The-Box. TOM: [Nomi] I'm appearing in this movie, aren't I? > > NOMI: No. > > JEFF: Well ya gotta gamble if ya gonna win. MIKE: Or just be incredibly lucky! > > NOMI: I'm gonna win. MIKE: Famous last words of Nomi No-last-name-given... TOM: [singing] You're gonna win... you're gonna go... straight to the top... > > JEFF: Then use some of that Mafia money you got in that suitcase. > [Nomi is nonplussed at Jeff's remark.] CROW: She was never all that good with multiplication... MIKE: Nonplussed? CROW: Two words: Lorena Bobbitt. > [Music gets louder as they drive down the street. Jeff pulls > into Riviera parking lot. The music stops and Nomi gets out.] TOM: The descriptions... *man* I wish I could carry a movie like *it* does! MIKE: It's that bad, Tom? TOM: Damn tooting... > JEFF: Just leave your stuff in the car. You talk to my uncle, and see if > he can help you get a job. TOM [Jeff]: He's a pimp. [CROW strains to not say anything] MIKE: Crow, it's an Eszterhas film. CROW: But it's too easy!! > NOMI: [gives him a suspicious look as Jeff gets out of truck] TOM: [Jeff] I'll just be out here with the engine running... CROW: [Nomi] If he wasn't after my body, I would smack him *so* hard... TOM: And he steals her suitcase, right?! RIGHT? MIKE: Take it easy, Tom. > > JEFF: What? Ain't anyone ever been nice to ya? MIKE [Nomi]: Not after I've threatened them with a knife, no. TOM: Famous last words... CROW: He has the compassion and love of Joey Buttafuoco. > [Scene: Inside Riviera] MIKE: There's a unpleasant thought... CROW: I remember that 'Geraldo' episode! He got fat pulled out of his ass, right? > JEFF: Wanna play a slot machine? > > NOMI: Yeah. CROW: Yeesh, I've seen better conversation from Manos! TOM: [Nomi] Hell, I *am* a slot machine! MIKE: Tom... > [Jeff pulls $10 out of his wallet.] > JEFF: Here's ten bucks. TOM: [Nomi] Hey! I thought you said 20 bucks, for all night! > You win, we split it up. [Nomi grabs money] No > holding out on me either. Now I'm gonna go see my uncle. [walks away] > I'll meet ya right back here. TOM: I thought she didn't gamble... CROW: Don't try to think about it, just smile and go along. MIKE: [Jeff] Just have to give myself enough time to take your suitcase and sell all of its contents. > [Scene: Nomi playing slot machine and winning. We see that she is > not wearing a bra.] TOM: [sarcastically gasps] No! ALL: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy... CROW: Heeeeey... > NOMI: Holy shit! TOM: Look, we don't care what you worship. Just keep it to yourself. > Ha ha ha ahhhh... [picks up change, as > a vendor > comes by.] CROW: She's happy because remembered how to breathe? MIKE: Yes, win big on those nickel machines, Nomi. TOM: And jump up and down some more!! > VENDOR: Look at you! You want to try some silver dollars? > > NOMI: Sure! TOM: [Nomi] *CRUNCH* Mmmmm... they taste nickel-y! > [Scene: Nomi broke and playing slot machine] ALL: (imitate a muted trumpet) Wah, wah, waahh... > NOMI: Fuck! [hits machine] TOM: [machine] OW! It's not my fault you're a compulsive gambler! > [A rather creepy guy comes over to Nomi.] > GUY: Lose all your money, honey? You want to make some more? It > won't take you any longer than... fifteen minutes. Sooner or later > you're gonna have ta sell it! CROW: [guy] Yes, you must sell your Amway stocks and Beanie Babies. TOM: [Nomi] NEVER!!! > [Nomi looks at him, and then runs away, to find Jeff. He is not in the > casino.] > NOMI: Fuck! CROW [guy]: Well...that's what I was suggesting. MIKE: That's enough Crow! TOM: Uh...Mike, maybe it would be a good idea to let Crow loose, especially considering the film. MIKE: We'll see. > [Scene: Outside Riviera] > [We see that Jeff has taken a powder, along with Nomi's suitcase. Nomi > is > quite angry.] TOM: 'Taken a powder'? MIKE: He's snorting some coke. CROW: Boy, anybody who's anybody is doing cocaine! > NOMI: Shit. Fuck. Fuck! Fucking Fuck! MIKE: [laughs] Still, she's someone's daughter... CROW: Darn! Fudge! Crap-ola! TOM: Exhausted her repertoire pretty quickly, didn't she? CROW: Yeah, she should really get her *shit* together! MIKE: HEY! One more comment like that and it's the soap for you ! > [Nomi takes out her frustration on a car. It turns out to be the car > owned by > MOLLY [Gina Ravera]. Molly runs onscreen.] CROW: [Molly] EY! Wha' do ya think your doin' ta my cahr?! MIKE: Crow... this is not that Molly... TOM: Yeah, a Sailor Moon crossover would scare the hell out of me... > MOLLY: Hey, that's my car! I said that's my car, stop it! > CROW: Okay, so she's beating on someone's car because Jeff is snorting some drugs and he has her suitcase... I don't get it. TOM [whiny, Molly]: Stop it, you meany! MIKE: [Nomi] I don't care, I'm having a temper tantrum! > [Molly is a pretty woman, who appears to be African-American. She has > shoulder- > length black hair, and a medium complexion.] > > NOMI: I want my fucking suitcase! MIKE: [Molly] Really? Then if it's reproducing, it's probably busy. > > MOLLY: Get the fuck off my car! CROW: How the f... MIKE: Stop. CROW: So, I can't say f... MIKE: No, Crow! CROW: But they're all saying f... MIKE: Would you stop that?!? > [Molly punches Nomi, sending her reeling, and also causing her to retch > blood. TOM: [Nomi] Note to myself: Never get into a fight with a mouthful of Kool-aid. MIKE: There's your "Hawaiian Punch"... > Nomi stumbles into the street, where she is almost hit by a car. Luckily > for > her, Molly pulls her back.] MIKE: And a life long friendship is kindered ... CROW: Darn... just one more second... > MOLLY: Jesus. Hey! TOM: So, 'Jesus *Hey* Christ', or? > NOMI: Leave me alone. CROW: [Nomi] Where do you get off being nice to me? And then saving my life? > MOLLY: Hey! > > NOMI: [starts to cry] ALL: Aww... TOM: Ok, three-second sympathy session is over. We can go back to riffing. > [Molly comforts Nomi.] MIKE: Ah, what a touching scene. CROW: [Molly] Icky, you got blood all over my new blouse! TOM: [Molly] Cheer up, Nomi... we are all unlikable at some point! > [Scene: Diner. Molly and Nomi are eating together.] TOM: Heh, and so our lemon begins... CROW: Bow-chicka-wow-wow... MIKE: Not *that* type of eating, guys. > MOLLY: So... what was in your suitcase? TOM [Nomi]: My drugs. > NOMI: Nothin'. Just my stuff. MIKE: You know, stuff. Like clothes, food, a herd of chickens. CROW: Vib... no, no, forget it. > Everything I had. Fuck! I just got here! TOM: [Molly] That's tough... and please don't call me "Fuck". MIKE: [threateningly] TOM... CROW: Come on, Mike... they've said it so much that we just *have* to comment on it! > MOLLY: [sarcastically] Welcome to Vegas. You know anybody here? MIKE: Ten minutes in Vegas and she already lost everything. > NOMI: [shakes head] CROW: [as Nomi] Except for Jeff, the dealer, you, Screech.... TOM: But her head was loosely screwed on, so it fell off and she died. The end. [Starts to walk away, but is stopped by Crow and Mike.] CROW: [Nomi] Hey, I just rolled an 11! > MOLLY: You got any family that you can call? > > NOMI: I don't have any family. CROW [Nomi]: I was orphaned before I was born. TOM: [Nomi] I killed them all and then diced their bodies into tiny cubes, because they pissed me off! Get my drift? MIKE: [Molly] Allright... allright... > MOLLY: Where are you from? MIKE [Nomi]: The bowels of Hell, along with this movie. You? > NOMI: Back East. > > MOLLY: From where back East? CROW: [Nomi] New Jersey, OK? TOM: [Molly] Oh, man... I'm sorry. > NOMI: [shakily, as she tosses a basket of French fries against the > table] > Different places! CROW: The back seat of someone's car, the bus stop, a dark alley, by some woman kicking and screaming, you know. TOM: Dammit, I asked for mayo, not ketchup! Don't you ever listen? MIKE: [Nomi] Stupid French fries!! All that vinegar makes my teeth ache! > MOLLY: Look. You can stay with me if you need a place to crash. > It's not much... until you get a job. CROW: [Molly] But as a courtesy, make sure you wash your hands afterwards! MIKE: Crow!!! CROW: Aw, come on, Mike... it was just *there*! > NOMI: Are you hitting on me? TOM: [Molly] Yes. I mean no. I mean, er... MIKE: Hell, it would have been more entertaining than the dialogue... > MOLLY: No. You're not a hooker are you? > NOMI: No. CROW [Nomi]: Heh, heh. I should be insulted, but I'm not because of the writer. TOM: [Nomi] I'm just an unlikable wench who specializes in making people miserable. > [Scene: Trailer court, 6 weeks later. These trailers are at best > modest.] CROW: In other words, they suck. TOM: JEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD!!! > NOMI: Check it out! > > [Nomi shows Molly her fingernails.] MIKE: [Molly] Er... I don't think they're supposed to be green like that... > MOLLY: Wow. They're great. MIKE [Nomi]: Imagine how they'll feel when I rip out the writer's throat! CROW: [Molly] Fingernails excite me. They really do. > NOMI: They're neat huh? MIKE: Tee hee. > MOLLY: Do you want to come with me? We've got this new lead. She's > really good. CROW [Molly]: I've been in bed with her... MIKE: Stop right there! > NOMI: I gotta go to work. TOM: [Nomi] I gotta whack these two guys who are late on their "protection" payments. > MOLLY: Sure. You don't have to be to work for three hours. What are you > gonna do? Watch TV and eat chips? > > NOMI: Yeah. [looks around briefly] Where are the chips? CROW: [Molly] Bend over and I'll show you! > MOLLY: MIKE [sneezes]: Bullshit! > NOMI: You ate them, didn't you? > > MOLLY: > > NOMI: Yes you did. > > MOLLY: No I didn't. > > NOMI: Yes you did! TOM [Nomi]: How could you?! I've had those chips since I was a child! I inherited them from my mother, they were a family heirloom! > MOLLY: > > NOMI: You did! CROW: ARRRRRGGGHHH!!! MIKE: This dialogue... such stunning work. TOM: This scene co-written by Mrs. Bartkowski's 2nd grade homeroom. > MOLLY: Stop! > > NOMI: You did! > > MOLLY: Oh come on Nomi. CROW: [Molly] Jeez!! Lay off the chips! You can show off your nails. They'll > all be so jealous. MIKE: WHO?! TOM: [falsetto] Oh, you see that girl with no personality? I just loooove her nails! > NOMI: You think? CROW [Molly]: Rarely. > MOLLY: I think. TOM: [Molly] -therefore I am. CROW: [Molly] -that you're stupid. MIKE: The pornographic 'Mad About You', everyone! > NOMI: What am I gonna wear? TOM [Molly]: Oh, you'll probably end up wearing nothing. CROW: How about a muzzle? MIKE: Crow... she's not *that* bad. > MOLLY: Wear the dress that I made last week. > > NOMI: The French one? CROW [French accent]: You worthless pig-dogs! I fart in your general direction! Haw-haw! > MOLLY: Uh-huh. TOM: [Nomi] Oui Oui... let's hur-ry! > NOMI: I'm gonna put my hair up ... > > MOLLY: No, no, no, Nomi, we don't have any time to put your hair up. MIKE [Molly]: Instead, we're gonna just shave it off. > NOMI: I'll hurry. Don't worry. I promise. I promise! I PROMISE! CROW: I get the idea she's *promising* Molly something... TOM [Nomi]: Really! I'll put the toilet seat down! Mike: Come on, let's go, guys. [picks up TOM] Go to Part 2.