Showgirls- Part 2 Mike: Well, guys, thoughts? Crow: I hate this movie, and everyone in it... Mike: Mmm-hmm... Crow: I wanna rip out Joe's throat... Mike: Mmm-hmm... Crow: I'm hating life... Oh, Mike! I don't think I can make it! I've never SEEN anything like this! Mike: Come on, guys, after Fire Maidens from Outer Space, Manos, Prince of Space, The Neptune Men, and Hobgoblins, SURELY we can take this. Crow: If you say so Mike. Mike: Oh, great, it's Pearl. Pearl: Hello, lab rats. We just got a great idea to keep funding our projects! Using Observer's brain power... we can drain Las Vegas dry! We're going to be wealthy beyond our wildest dreams! Security: Excuse me, Ma'am but no pets allowed. And that includes the pasty guy. Observer: Excuse me, I am NOT a pet! Security: Yup, as far as the hotel is concerned you are. Now GET! Pearl: ARGGH! Well, even if we can't get enough money to fuel more research, I can at least send you back into the theater! Now move! Mike: MOVIE SIGN!!! > [Scene: backstage of a big Vegas show. People are busily walking amidst > many > naked and/or undressing women.] TOM: OH, NO... THEY'RE DOING CASTING CALLS FOR 'THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES'!! CROW: [Booger] We have... HOOTERS!! TOM: Nah, more like bee bites here. MIKE: Guys! > DIRECTOR: All right you guys, lets go! Lets do this! Come on you guys we > got two minutes! Robes off. TOM: [Director] And sausage up... OK, I'm ready! > Ladies, how are we doing? Annie... > > [We see ANNIE (Ungela Brockman) for the first time. CROW: Who, incidentally, has no pupils. MIKE: Wrong Annie, Crow. > She is a statuesque, > African woman. Right now she is half-naked.] > ANNIE: What?! ALL: HE SAID THAT YOU ARE HALF-NAKED!!! > DIRECTOR: You're naked. CROW: [groans] Ayiee... MIKE: Marvel, as they STATE THE OBVIOUS!! TOM: [director] Actually, you've been naked for the past three hours, but I needed a cheap thrill. > ANNIE: Fuck you. I need Molly. TOM: She's a Molly addict! CROW: Wow. Most people can't talk to their bosses like that... I want to be a showgirl!! > DIRECTOR: Julie, what happened? > > [We see JULIE (Melissa Williams)for the first time. She looks like > Molly, somewhat.] MIKE: Look!! It's a renegade Spice Girl! ALL: Girl Power!! > JULIE: I don't know. It just ripped. ALL: [ominously] DAH DAH DUUUUHHH... TOM: Well you shouldn't have eaten those Gorditas, Julie. > MOLLY: It's okay, it's almost done. > > ANNIE: Molly! > > MOLLY: Yeah? > [Annie hands her a torn G-string.] CROW: [Annie] As you can see, my date with Marv Albert didn't go too well... > ANNIE: You're going to see a smiling snatch if you don't fix this > G-string. [All snicker] MIKE: "Smiling snatch?" That sounds like a $3.99 Vegas 'all-you-can-eat' buffet! CROW: Come to the Smiling Snatch where we live to serve you good food and family entertainment! TOM: [singing] Smile, damn ya, smile!! > MOLLY: I will be right there, Annie. > > ANNIE: I heard that before. CROW: Ummm... oh, you mean she's coming? TOM: Hah! > JULIE: She wants to smile her snatch. She probably cut that string > herself. > MOLLY: You're terrible, Julie. Okay, let's go. TOM: Just like this movie MIKE: [singing] I like the night life, baby! CROW: You're unusually musical today, Mike... > DIRECTOR: [from off screen] Come on guys, let's move it! Let's go! Let's > go! CROW: Apparently Paul Verhoeven wants to get out of this as much as we do. > FIRST WOMAN: What is that smell? MIKE: You DON'T want to know. TOM: [Julie] It's me... I shouldn't have had the extra spicy pecante sauce. > JULIE: It's that damn monkey act. It smells like garlic. > > FIRST WOMAN: It stinks in here. CROW: [falsetto] Annie! Close your legs! MIKE: Heh, heh, good one! > ANNIE: Do you want me to go on stage without a G? TOM: If you were anybody but you, yes we would. MIKE: Kenny G? > MOLLY: Look, I am fixing it right now, Annie! Give me one damn > minute! Jesus! CROW [Jesus]: Leave me out of this! > JULIE: Who wants to see her snatch anyway? CROW: ME! ME! ME! > FIRST MAN: I certainly wouldn't. MIKE: Apparently Liberace was in the crowd that night. > > JULIE: We know that, baby. CROW: Oh, I get it! They're implying that he's gay! TOM: Yeah, whod've thunk... > DIRECTOR: [from off screen] Hurry up! We're on! Come on! > > MOLLY: Oh, Nomi, come on! > > [Nomi follows Molly] [ALL make dog sniffing noises] CROW: Wow, she learned how to 'heel'! TOM: Next, we teach her how to 'fetch'... > DIRECTOR: [from off screen] Oh right you guys, let's line it up! Four > counts of eight! Let's go! Line it up! MIKE [Nomi]: Four times eight...uh... CROW: [director] Run by me some more, I want to see more jiggling flesh! MIKE: Crow... > FLOWER MAN: Ms. Connors? > MS.CONNORS: Just set them over there. MIKE: I'm looking for Sara Connor. > [We see CRISTAL CONNORS (Gina Gershon) for the first time. She has dark > brown hair > with blonde highlights. She is also very pretty.] CROW: In a Janet Reno/Bride of Frankenstein/Cologne sort of way, that is. TOM: [falsetto] I'm also a Virgo, I enjoy fine cuisine and opera. > FLOWER MAN: Sure. > > DIRECTOR: Oh right, let's move it! CROW: [director] Again, I say, "Let's move it!" So let's move it! I don't see many people moving it!! > [General commotion as people start shouting] ALL: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN! > ANNIE: Molly! Molly! My G! TOM: So she's been running around naked all this time? MIKE: Well, it IS Las Vegas... CROW: [Molly] S'up, G? > MOLLY: Here! > > [Molly hands Annie the G-string as the people crowd up the stairs.] > > JULIE: Wouldn't that be great if one of these nights she just fell down > the stairs? TOM: Hey! That's MY dark riff! CROW: Mike... Julie is scaring me. MIKE: Me too, buddy... me too. TOM: Unscrupulous Spice... the lost Spice Girl. > > MOLLY: Oh Nomi, go up to the showroom, watch from there. > > NOMI: Can I go up there? > > MOLLY: Sure! TOM [Molly]: Hell, I just told you to go up there, didn't I? Would I have said to go up there if you couldn't? What kind of a stupid [beep] are you anyway?!? I swear to God I'm gonna kick your [beep] in about two hot seconds, you [beep]ing [beep]! [begins hyperventilating] MIKE: Tom! TOM! Calm down! Breathe, Tommy, breathe! TOM: [calms down and stops hyperventilating] Sorry, Mike, this movie's just starting to get to me. CROW: Already? Mike, I hope you have that box of spare heads handy. > DIRECTOR: Guys! We got two counts of eight! What are you doing? Lets go! > Brian, move your ass! CROW: [director] Before I find a better use for it! MIKE: Crow... TOM: Aiyee... > Let's go! MIKE: [singing] I like the night life, baby! > > [Nomi leaves and goes to a balcony in the showroom.] CROW: Which collapses, sending her plummeting to her death. The end. > [Scene: Show room] > [The show being put on is a CATS-type extravaganza full of wildly > thrusting dancers and others. CROW: So, everyone is bisexual and unnaturally well-endowed? MIKE: Wrong CATS, Crow. > All of the women become topless. The > audience whistles and cheers] TOM: It IS 'THE INCREDIBLLY STRANGE CREATURES'!! CROW: [random guy] TAKE IT OFF!!! > ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen... the Stardust proudly presents... CROW [announcer]: A midget in a bikini! MIKE: [announcer] Annie... SPRINKLE!! > Miss > Cristal Connors!!! TOM: [announcer] Chrissy to her friends... MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Linda Hamilton, NUDE! ALL: Ewwww! CROW: And what a presentation. > [Cristal emerges from the fake volcano. She is also topless. She > receives really loud cheers and whistling and clapping] TOM: Does anyone know that this show may cause mild hysteria? MIKE: Sheesh, more bare breasts than...uh...anything and everything I've ever seen! CROW: Not saying much, Mike. > [Heavy drum music starts up and is replaced by electronic beats, as the > main movement begins. The dancers are grunting and panting with > exertion. The loud explosion and song ends followed by a lot of people > clapping and cheering.] TOM: Yup. Here's the promised panting and grunting. MIKE: [crowd] Yaaay!! The show's over! > [Scene: ballroom press conference] CROW: [Hums "Brandenburg Concerto."] > MR. CARLMAN: We could have brought anyone into this show. LaToya, > Suzanne, you name it. We wanted Cristal. [Carlman is an old man, with > white hair. He looks like a stereotypical organized crime boss.] TOM: ...LaToya Jackson? MIKE: Suzanne Somers? CROW: Okay... that's it, I'm outta here, MOMMMMMMMMMMMYYY!! > [crowd gently laughs] > > MR. CARLMAN: Cristal Connors defines what Las Vegas is all about! CROW: Corruption, gambling, hustlers, and Mike Tyson? MIKE: I guess so. > She's > dazzling, she's exciting, and she's very, very, sexy. TOM: And very expensive, ifyaknowwhatImean! CROW: Or what Las Vegas used to be about. Then they learned that kids never fail to bring their parents with them. MIKE [Don Corleone]: So I made her an offer she couldn't refuse, and here she is. > REPORTER # 1: How does it feel to be back in Las Vegas? TOM: [Cristal] Like emptying the porto-potties at a Mexican food festival. MIKE: Wow. > REPORTER # 2: What about Broadway? CROW: [Cristal] It's a big street in the middle of New York, but that's not important right now. > REPORTER # 3: Miss Connors, how did you feel about the show tonight? MIKE [Cristal]: It sucks and so do all of you! Now go away! > CRISTAL: I think it's been the best show I've ever been in. I only hope > I can do it justice. [All laugh until Tom falls out of his seat, Mike picks him up and sets him back down] CROW: I'm not even going to comment on that part. MIKE: If there was any justice, the editors would have laughed the writer right out of his office. TOM: [Cristal] Which is why I am wearing a time-delay ring of explosives around my waist. Adios, suckers! > MR. CARLMAN: You did, my dear. And you will. We're very thrilled to have > you here with us. CROW: Until all your parts sag, and then you're out on the street doing infomercials. > CRISTAL: And I am thrilled to be here. TOM [Cristal]: There! I said it! Now get the horse's head out of my bed! > REPORTER # 2: Miss Connors, how old are you? MIKE: [Little girl] I'm 5 and 3/4ths years old! > [General commotion as reporters ask lots of questions] MIKE [Reporter]: Is it true that you had sexual affairs with the President? TOM [Reporter]: Are you planning to get out of this movie? CROW [Reporter]: Is it true that you're a fan of Sailor Moon? > MR. CARLMAN: You too now. > > REPORTER # 5: Mr. Coleman, could we have one of you handing Cristal the > flowers? CROW: Jennifer? TOM: Can *we* have one of Joe Eszterhas being thrown out of the studio? MIKE: Take it easy, guys!! > [Reporters ask more questions] > > MR. CARLMAN: Zack? Zack. TOM: It's the Lego Maniac! > You do it. MIKE: Watch Zack Allen...on Babylon 5. CROW: [Carlman] I've got a 9:30 at Donna's place... > [ZACK (Kyle MacLachlan) comes onscreen. He has very dark brown hair, and > is a certified "hunk."] MIKE: Chunk Flatslab. TOM: Fridge Thumpstud. CROW: Hard McFirmstiff. MIKE: 100% Beefcake! > REPORTER: This is Zack Carey, the Entertainment Director of Stardust > Hotel. MIKE: ... and a good friend. > [Molly and Nomi are looking on, as Zack presents a bouquet of flowers to > Cristal.] > > MOLLY: That's so sweet of him. > > NOMI: Yeah. CROW: [Nomi] It's not an obligatory gesture of kindness for publicity. TOM: Ummm... Crow... this is Nomi we're talking about. CROW: [Nomi] Stupid schmuck didn't give the goddamn flowers to me!! > ZACK: Your bouquet, Miss Connor. TOM: [Zack] My hair piece, Miss Connor. MIKE: [Zack] Duh...wanna go out with me? > [Zack hands the bouquet to Cristal.] > > CRISTAL: Can I... keep em? MIKE: [Zack] No, I'm gonna take 'em back and feed 'em to my goat. TOM: [Zack] No! They're $50! Pay up! > ZACK: > > MR. CARLMAN: Yup. > > [Reporters ask a bunch of questions.] > > MAN: Okay folks, that's it. Thank you very much for coming. Thanks a > lot. That's all. come on Cristal, this way. MIKE: Yeah, better get her out before someone "accidentally" cops a feel. BOTS: MIKE?!? MIKE: Well, it's the movie, I can't help it. CROW: Yeesh, let's take a break... Go to Part 3.