Showgirls- Part 3 Tom: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Since Mike forced Gypsy to suffer through his Lord of the Dance routine...we have Gypsy as...GODDESS! Mike: Look, guys, I think this is going a bit too far... Mike: What the heck is that for?!? Crow: Oh. These are the pyrotechnics. Mike: PYROTECHNICS?!? You're going to blow out the entire bridge! Mike: ARRGH! EWW!!! NASTY!!! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" Commercial: Now, Showgirls action figures and blow-up dolls! Dynamite not included with blow-up dolls. Mike: Guys, that was REALLY tasteless. Gypsy [Comes over and starts crying on Mike]: Oh, Mike! I'm so sorry! That was horrible! Mike: What the...? Mike: Great, it's Pearl. Pearl: Well, Mike I hope you liked Gypsy's little performance. Mike: No. Not at all. In fact, something tells me that it wasn't her idea anyway. Pearl: Right you are, numbskull! I transmitted a signal directly to Gypsy's CPU... and I can control her at will! Using hyper-wave channels, I can override even the most powerful of jammers! Just watch! I can have Crow do that Russian dance thing. Crow: AHH! Hey! Stop! Pearl: And I even destroyed the blueprints, so there is NO WAY you can reverse-engineer it, even with the crappy security we have down here! Oh, I'm so evil! Bobo [OC]: Oh Lawgiver! I have some snacks for you! Pearl: You incompetent monkey! Pearl: I'll just have to take this down to the lab... Pearl: AIEEE!!! Pearl: Get back in the theater! Mike: Movie sign!!! Mike: Whew, glad Bobo took care of that hypertransmitter. > [Cristal is escorted out of the ballroom.] > > CRISTAL: They could have out of our way... > > [Nomi and Molly are still watching.] CROW: Red Hot Peepin' Action! Whooo! > MOLLY: She's great, isn't she? > > NOMI: She doesn't suck. TOM: Oh, how would you know? You're not around her at night... MIKE: Tom... CROW: Kinda noncommittal, isn't she? > DIRECTOR: Molly! Molly, Cristal needs you. TOM: [Director] She said to bring your silk-lined handcuffs. CROW: Wow, two sick riffs in two lines... > MOLLY: Come with me. > > NOMI: No... CROW: [Molly] No, I mean *come* with me! MIKE: CROW! CROW: Mike, are you going to say our names throughout this whole movie? > MOLLY: Oh come on, you can be my assistant. Come on! MIKE: I wonder if that means Nomi will start calling Molly "Clay"? TOM: Molly is training under Dr. Kevorkian. > [Scene: backstage] > > MOLLY: [knocks on the door to Cristal's dressing room.] TOM: [Molly] Watchtower! > CRISTAL: Yes. CROW: YES! YES! YES! > [Molly enters the room] > > MOLLY: Yes, Miss Connors? MIKE: [Cristal] BOW before me, subordinate!! > CRISTAL: Cristal, please. And... [stutters] you are [stutters] ... I'm > sorry. CROW: The part of Cristal Connors will now be played by William Sylvester. TOM: Wha-hey-hey-hey! CROW: [Cristal] Sorry, I think I spit in your face. > MOLLY: Molly. Molly Abrams. TOM: Shaken, not stirred. MIKE: Molly want a cracker? > CRISTAL: Molly, this top is way too tight. My breasts are just getting > crushed in here. TOM: Good, you need a reduction. MIKE: [Cristal] Cheap-grade silicone. CROW: [snicker] > MOLLY: I could loosen it for you. MIKE/TOM: No, no! CROW: Yes, yes! > CRISTAL: Okay... about here... [adjusts her top] maybe... No no, a > little less. I want my nipples to press but I don't want them to look > like they're levitatin'. ALL [unenthusiastically]: Ha, ha. TOM: Looks like Cristal has been channeling Shirley LaLoon. CROW: [Shirley] Wayu...wayu... oh, like I think my nipples are levitatin' or *something*! > MOLLY: Okay. > > [Molly removes Cristal's top, so that now her breasts are visible.] CROW: This movie was designed to desensitize people to sex. MIKE: [Terry-Thomas] What is it with Americans' fascination with bosoms? > CRISTAL: Thanks darling. TOM: Let me guess... she's bisexual. CROW: This is more predictable than women-in-prison flicks. [MIKE and TOM look at CROW] CROW: Ummm... not that I have looked at one... or anything like that... > MOLLY: You're welcome. You were really great tonight Miss... MIKE [Molly]: Um, "Slut" was it? > Cristal. > > [Cristal removes her hair extension and makeup, still topless.] TOM: [Molly] DEAR GOD, YOU'RE JANET RENO!! MIKE: I have a feeling that most of this film is going to be focused upon breasts. CROW: I'm OK with that! MIKE: Crow... > CRISTAL: Thanks darling. > > MOLLY: Andrew Carver sent you these? TOM: The ice-cream cake magnate? MIKE: That's *Carvel*, Tom. > CRISTAL: If that's what the card says, then that's who sent it. CROW: Score 2 for the head lesbian! > MOLLY: I just love him. Oh! This is my friend, Nomi. She's a dancer too. TOM: Ballroom? Swing? Square Dancing? Tap? Scottish? Striptease? > [Nomi is now onscreen.] > > CRISTAL: [sarcastically] Is she now? TOM: [Nomi] No, I am actually an irritable, impulsive twit who flies into a tantrum when things don't go my way. I also like to cut things! MIKE: [Cristal] OK... OK... I'll be good. > MOLLY: Yes and she's really good. > > CRISTAL: Where do you dance at darlin'? > > NOMI: Um... at the Cheetah. MIKE: [Nomi] Before that, I danced at the "Sand Cat", and before that, at the "Golden Chinchilla". > CRISTAL: I don't know how good you are darlin', and I don't know what it > is you're good at. But if it's at the Cheetah, then it's not dancing, I > know that much. CROW: [Cristal] I don't think 'the Electric Slide' should be considered dancing! > NOMI: [angrily and sassily] You don't know shit! [Nomi runs off, very > huffily.] TOM: [Cristal] I do too! I was married to him once! CROW [Cristal]: And it comes out of your arse! > MOLLY: I'm... I'm uh really sorry Miss Connors. MIKE: [Molly] I seem to have a nasty habit of attracting unlikable people! > CRISTAL: Cristal. *humph* I told you. > > MOLLY: Cristal. > > CRISTAL: Your friend has nice nails. CROW: [Cristal] Are those Stanley? > MOLLY: She does them herself. TOM: And she'll rip out Cristal's throat with them. > CRISTAL: Maybe she can do mine sometime. MIKE: [Siva] Doesn't everyone have naturally red fingernails? TOM: I have a feeling she's going to go tumbling down the stairs soon... > [Scene: side entrance. Molly has run from the building, and is chasing > after Nomi.] MIKE: Chasing Nomi: The next Kevin Smith film. CROW: Will Nomi snowball someone? MIKE: Crow... > MOLLY: Hey! Hey! Nomi! I work here, okay? I need my paycheck. I do not > want her to be pissed at me. CROW: And the Deanna Troi award for stating the obvious goes to...MOLLY! ALL: [cheer] > [Nomi begins to cry, as she leans over a parked car.] TOM: I'm not going to say it... not going to say it... CROW: [Nomi] Where's a fire hydrant when you *really* need one? > NOMI: I'm sorry!!! I'm sorry. > > MOLLY: Jesus Nomi. Hey, I'll drive you to work, okay? MIKE: [Molly] After that, you can cry on my car some more! > NOMI: I'm not going. > > MOLLY: They'll fire you. > > NOMI: Fuck, I don't care. CROW: [Molly] Yes, you do. And stop calling me that. > MOLLY: Yes you do. > > NOMI: No I don't. CROW: Yes you do. TOM: Crow, let's not go there. CROW: Someone actually paid $3 million for this? > MOLLY: Okay, lets go. MIKE: [singing] Let's go out to the disco... let's go out to the arcade... > NOMI: Where? > > MOLLY: You know where. > > NOMI: TOM [Nomi]: No, please! Just take me to work! I don't want to see that little hermaphrodite with the monkey tail again! MIKE: Okay, I call no more Oscar refs. This movie is painful enough without them. CROW: [Nomi] No!!! Not Robert Tsunai's house!! Noooo!!! I'll be good! MIKE: Ick. > [Scene: The Crave Club. Loud music, people screaming, dancing and > shouting. Nomi is dancing wildly and feverishly, in a red frilly dress. > We first see JAMES (Glenn Plummer), who is one of the bouncers.] CROW: Bouncey, bouncey... > FIRST BOUNCER: She can dance, can't she? > > JAMES: Yeah, she thinks she can! I'm gonna go dance with > her! CROW: [James] Because I care, and I'm cool! > FIRST BOUNCER: Man, you can't do that, you're working! > > JAMES: TOM: [James] Paycheck? I don't need no stinkin' paycheck!! > FIRST BOUNCER: Hey, TC is gonna have your ass! CROW: In so many different ways and positions! TOM: Be careful, TC has a copy of the Kama Sutra! > JAMES: TC is playing craps at the Riviera! CROW: You mean this movie? > [walks over to Nomi.] Do you > wanna dance? > > NOMI: I am dancing! TOM: [Nomi] Sure, I'm poking people in the eyes and ears, but it's dancing... > JAMES: Yeah, but do you want to dance with me? > > NOMI: You good? > > JAMES: Yeah! I'm good! CROW: In bed. MIKE: For nothing... CROW: Shouldn't this guy be working, or *bouncing*, or something? TOM: No, why do you think that? > MOLLY: I'm gonna have a drink. > > [Nomi and James begin to dance.] CROW: Oh no, its 'dance with me', The Prequel! MIKE: You've seen "Dirty Dancing"... now revel in... "Filthy Dancing!" CROW: That was lame, Mike. MIKE: Bite me. > NOMI: Whoaa... You can dance! > > JAMES: I don't lie. You can't. TOM: Thank you, Michael Flatley. > NOMI: Then what am I doing? > > JAMES: Teasing my dick. TOM: [Shannen Doherty] Why are you pulling my dick? CROW: [Nomi] Nyah nyah! I've got a bigger head than you!! MIKE: Ummm... CROW: Relax, Mike... nothing we say can be worse than this movie. MIKE: You've got a point... > You got potential though. I could teach ya. > > NOMI: Yeah? > > JAMES: Yeah! [Nomi knees James in the groin, knocking him into another > guy.] OOF!!! TOM: D'oh!! Right in the store! > NOMI: I'm not teasing now, am I? MIKE: Now THAT'S Deep Hurting! CROW: [James] No... you're mincing, yes... but... not teasing... ouch... > [The guy that Nomi pushed James into pushes him now.] > > FIRST GUY: Watch it buddy! > > [James shoves him back.] > > JAMES: Hey be cool buddy. I'm a bouncer. MIKE [Jim Carrey]: It's okay! I'm a limo driver! CROW: Well... you're in the middle of the dance floor, and you're not bouncing, pal. TOM: I dunno... he bounced pretty well when Nomi kneed him. > [Guy shoves James again.] > > FIRST GUY: You be cool, buddy! > > [Suddenly, a huge brawl starts, and sounds of people hitting others is > mixed with people screaming and loud music.] CROW: Suddenly, we're in an old John Wayne western. TOM: Yeah, I'd do that too if an Adam Sandler sketch broke out. > MOLLY: Nomi! > > FIRST BOUNCER: Hey you! Hold her! TOM: [bouncer] Fondle her a bit! > [Bouncer grabs Nomi.] > > NOMI: What the fuck are you doing? TOM: Take a guess. MIKE: [bouncer] Grabbing you. Pay attention. > FIRST BOUNCER: She started it! > > NOMI: Fuck you! Fuck you asshole. CROW [Butthead]: Number one, take a number two. MIKE: Urp... [turns green] TOM: Nomi has a Ph.D in Cussatology from BSU. MIKE: Are you sure she didn't get it from Hooker U? > FIRST BOUNCER: The party's over. ALL: [singing] Party's over! CROW: I wear a uniform. ALL: Party's over! CROW: I'd like to keep you warm. MIKE [singing]: The party's over... TOM: As far as I'm concerned, it never started! > [Nomi is ejected from the club, and we find later that she has been > arrested for disturbing the peace.] > [Scene: jail. A police officer approaches the cell that Nomi is in.] CROW: [officer] All your tests came back positive, Nomi... MIKE: [Nomi] Dammit! > OFFICER: Malone. > > NOMI: Yeah. > > OFFICER: You're out of here. TOM: [officer] The other prisoners complained, and threatened to kill you if you whined again. > [Nomi is escorted out of the cell.] > > SECOND OFFICER: Hey, your release papers. CROW: [officer] And your exile papers. Now please never come back. > [James is in the station, as Nomi passes by him.] > > JAMES: Yo, what's up? I bailed you out girl, don't that even get me a > cup of coffee? CROW: [Nomi] No sailor, but it gets you a blowj... Never mind... that was too predictable even for me! MIKE: It gets you brushed off, and more of Nomi's *special* personality. CROW: She has a personality? > [Scene: outside police station] > > [James is following Nomi.] TOM: [Nomi] Don't you *get* it? I'm a bitch! CROW: Bitchy Spice: Unplugged. > JAMES: Look, all I did was tell ya I would teach you to dance. > > NOMI: I don't need nobody to teach me how to dance. MIKE: [Nomi] I need someone to teach me proper English!! > JAMES: That's because you're a badass. You got your arms straight out > sayin 'back off mother fucker'. > > [Nomi turns and points forcefully at James.] Tom [Nomi]: YOU shot JR! > NOMI: [angrily and sassily] Yeah, you got that down. Back off, > motherfucker. MIKE: Thank you, Oedipus. BOTS: MIKE!!! TOM: [Nomi] You and your good-naturedness should go to hell!! > JAMES: Wow! You know what? My head hurts, my dick hurts, and > you got me fired from my fucking job! TOM: And he still bailed her out, what a loser! MIKE: Well, if you had been *doing* your job, that would have been a problem! > NOMI: Yeah, well shit happens you know? CROW: OK for that to happen, it decomposes. MIKE: Whoa... that's deep, Crow. > JAMES: Shit happens. What? Is that it? That's what I get, fucking > wisdom? That's it? > > NOMI: Yeah, that's it. You get wisdom. MIKE: And our grrrrand prize is...WISDOM! BOTS: [cheer] TOM: [Nomi] And more of my brisk witticisms! ALL: Huzzah! > JAMES: Guess what? You not just a pain in my head, and a pain in my > dick, you also a pain in my ass as well! CROW: Yeah, tell me about it. > NOMI: Life sucks, ya know. > > JAMES: Life sucks? Shit happens? Where did you get this stuff? Offa > T-shirts? Mike [Nomi]: I got it from Forrest Gump, actually >All I want is a cup of coffee. MIKE: [Nomi] Oh, well, you're lucky I had my Ex-Laxx today. TOM and CROW: MIKE!! CROW: Good God, man! That's disgusting! MIKE: Sorry... > NOMI: Yeah? > > JAMES: Yeah! TOM: [Nomi] No? Why do you say Yeah? when I mean No? No? Are you listening, Yeah? CROW: I think Tom's about to snap, Mike. > [Molly drives up, Nomi goes over to her.] > > NOMI: You got a quarter? TOM: Man, she's cheap. > MOLLY: Sure. Here. MIKE: [Molly] Give him hell, Nomi! > [Nomi takes the quarter and tosses it at James.] > > NOMI: Buy yourself a cup. CROW: Good, Nomi... while he does that, why don't you buy yourself a personality? > JAMES: TOM: [James] She put me down... I like that! > [Inside car...] > > MOLLY: Hal is pissed! He says if you miss another night... CROW [Molly]: He'll flush you out an airlock. TOM: Heh! > how did you > get out? I had to run to get some cash... > > NOMI: Him. He got me out. CROW: [Nomi] Geez!! I hate when people are nice to me!! > MOLLY: How come? > > NOMI: I kicked him in the nuts. MIKE: I swear, if either of you make a Cartman joke, I'm switching you to 'Adam Sandler' mode! [CROW and TOM shudder] > MOLLY: He liked it? MIKE: [Molly] What a dork! > NOMI: Must have. > > MOLLY: Nomi... TOM: [Molly] You didn't piss someone *else* off, did you? > NOMI: MIKE: This dialogue needs a makeover. > [Scene: Cheetah dressing room. Yet more naked women.] CROW: Joe Eszterhas seems to have a fascination with peering at women in various states of undress. And right now, I have to say that I don't have a problem with it. MIKE: We figured, Crow. > CARMY: Nomi, do my boobs look any bigger to you? TOM: [Nomi] Have you been experimenting with those bust cremes again? > STRIPPER # 1: Oh shit. Carmy thinks she's pregnant again. > > STRIPPER # 2: Girl, you missed your period again? MIKE: Don't worry... the next one comes in at 5:45! > CARMY: I don't know... > > [Everyone laughs] CROW: It's funny! TOM: [falsetto] Gynecology is fun!! > MOMMA: Jesus fucking Christ! It's like a Japanese convention out there! TOM: What's that? 7 Racial jokes? MIKE: [Momma] Everyone's wearing kimonos and drinking sake! > [MOMMA (HENRIETTA) (Lin Tucci) enters. She is a heavy-set woman, with > lots of makeup.] > > EVERYONE: Hey Momma! CROW: And cue Shirley Hemphill antics... > STRIPPER # 3: Maybe you better get yourself a little weenie just cranked > up there Mommy. TOM: [Momma] "Little weenie"? But your boyfriend's out of town! Ah, hah, hah!! I kill me!! > MOMMA: This thing isn't working again. Come on baby! Come on, > here we go! > [Momma is having great difficulty in making a bizarre contraption that > bares her breasts work.] CROW: Momma was inspired by Divine. MIKE: Giving a whole new meaning to the term "flapper". > NOMI: Okay, I'll be right there. Ready? > > MOMMA: Come on, here we go. Come on, one more time. Come on, try > harder... harder! > [The contraption works, baring her breasts.] YAHH!!! TOM: Momma now reprises her role in the group _Queen_. > NOMI: YAHHH!!! ALL: AHHHH!!!! TOM: Itchy-itchy Ya Ya Ya Ya! > MOMMA: Okay, let me try... > > [Momma activates the contraption by herself.] MIKE: [Momma] I'm a big girl now! > MOMMA & NOMI: WHOA!!! Hah ha!!! CROW: I'm scarred for life. > AL: Hey... Hey! Hey. MIKE: It's Faaaaat Albert! CROW: [laughs] > I want you to meet Hope. TOM: Good. Let's hope for a better movie. MIKE: Not likely. > [AL (Robert Davi) is the owner of the club. He walks in alongside > HOPE/PENNY, a rather pretty young woman with short blonde hair.] > > EVERYONE: Hi. > > AL: Okay, cut it out. Oh, this is Tiffany, Fera, Heather, Imuta. TOM: Evita, Elizabeth, Yanni, Barbie, and Muffy. > PENNY: My name isn't Hope, it's Penny. > > [Everyone but boss chuckles] MIKE [Penny]: Where's Uncle Gadget? BOTS: [Make various computer-book noises...] CROW: Go-go-Gadget Hecklers! MIKE: Her last name isn't Nichols, is it? BOTS: [groan] > AL: They want class, dum-dum. They don't wanna fuck a Penny. They wanna > fuck a... a Heather or a... or a... Tiffany or a... TOM: Madonna? MIKE: Heidi? CROW: Monica? > Hope. ALL: Oh. > This is a > class joint. Henry! [AL escorts MOMMA to the stage area.] Gentlemen, and > those few ladies out there! What you've all been waiting for! CROW: [crowd] The end of the show? MIKE: [laughs] > [Al smacks MOMMA's tush] > > MOMMA: OH!!! MIKE: [Momma] He's a pervert... and he's my boss... Gotta love him! > AL: Henrietta! Queen... of bazooms! MIKE: [retches] CROW: Come on, Mike, none of that. You saw Shinji's post. MIKE: Yeah, but THIS one is bad enough! TOM: Maybe you're right... > MOMMA: Yeah! > > [Scene: dance stage] CROW: [singing] Stayin' alive... > [Crowd cheers as she dances, Henrietta repeatedly activates her > contraption.] TOM: She kinda looks like Tammy Faye Messner after a binge at Ponderosa. > GUY # 1: Hey! Henrietta! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey... Pull your dress up! ALL: NO!! > MOMMA: What? You could never handle me with all those wrinkles of fat. ALL: Yuck! MIKE: She's Tammy Faye with Roseanne's personality. > CROWD: Oooohhh... > > MOMMA: Wha, you probably could never find the thing. TOM: And now the writer is making fun of fat guys, if I ever get down from here... CROW: And what is the thing which he probably could never find? MIKE: I don't think we want to know. TOM: If it's Oscar's "thing", I'm leaving. > [Crowd laughs] > > MOMMA: I would have to piss on you to give you a clue. ALL: EWWWWW!! CROW: She's the last person I'd want a Golden Shower from... now Cristal... I wouldn't mind. MIKE: Ugh! Crow!! CROW: Mike, nothing we say will be worse than this movie. [Darth Vader] Join us... on the Dark Side. MIKE: Well... > [Crowd goes OOHHH!!! and Momma laughs] > > [Scene: dressing room] > > NOMI: You need more pink. MIKE [Nomi]: It's my new obsession. TOM: [Nomi] And some more heroin... that's good! > PENNY: Oh. Oh thanks Heather. > > NOMI: Yeah. CROW: Okay, who's talking to whom? TOM: This movie needs a "who's who." MIKE: I don't think it's worth the trouble, guys. > [Al comes over to Penny.] CROW: Bow-chicka-wow-wow... > AL: Have you ever done a lap dance before? > > PENNY: No. MIKE: [Al] OK, first thing you want to remember... never do tapping, you'll hurt the guy. Also, avoid any jig-type dances. > AL: You gotta talk em into it, okay? Fifty bucks a pop TOM: Wow!! Pepsi is expensive over there! > and you take em > in the back. Touch and go. They touch, they go. You can touch them, but > they can not touch you. > > PENNY: Oh, that's good. CROW: [Penny] Icky touch! Ewww! > AL: Now if they cum, it's okay. If they take it out, cum all over you, > call the bouncer. TOM: [Penny] But if my hands are sticky, how can I use the phone? MIKE: It's just too easy, isn't it? > Unless he gives you a big tip. If he gives you a big > tip, it's okay. You got that? MIKE: [Penny] So, if he tells me a tip like, "Don't eat crackers in bed", it's OK? As opposed to "Don't Smoke"? > PENNY: Okay. CROW: [Al] If he's Sam Kinison, you're in a lot of trouble! > [Penny is a little taken aback.] MIKE: A little? > AL: Good. And you? Where the fuck were you last night? TOM: Showgirls: more cussing than even real life! > NOMI: I was having my period, Al. You don't want me to get blood all > over the place. Do you? CROW: [Al] Hell no! It stains the rugs like crazy! > AL: Yeah, I'm real tired of your shit, kid. TOM: [Al] It tastes too salty. MIKE: Oh, that's really gross!! TOM: Thank you! > [softly, to Penny] If you > want to last longer then a week, you'll give me a blow job. > First I'll get you used to the money, then I'll make you swallow. MIKE: [Penny] Can you give me some ice cream? Mommy always does. CROW: [snickers] > PENNY: Is he serious? [Penny is a bit scared.] TOM: [Penny] Does Joe Eszterhas really expect me to act with this horrid premise? > [Scene: Outside Cheetah, Limo pulls up] MIKE: The Kennedys... out for a night on the town. > PHIL: Heh heh heh... Here we are. CROW [Phil/Beavis]: Fire, FIRE! Heh heh heh. MIKE: Great, now we've got Malachite on the set. CROW: Doesn't he drive a Mustang? TOM: Fanboy! > CRISTAL: > > ZACK: Hey! ALL: Go! Go! Power Rangers! CROW: [Zack] It was not funny when you poured syrup down my pants! > CRISTAL: Oh look baby, you missed a spot. TOM: [Cristal] Next time, try a larger squeegee on my car, asshole! MIKE: [Zack] Sorry!! Sorry! > [Cristal kisses Zack.] > > ZACK: Thank you. > > [Scene: Inside Cheetah club] CROW: So *that's* what the Thundercats did with the Treasure of Thundera. > [Loud music and Momma is singing a strange hybrid of "Farmer in the > Dell".] MIKE: The farmer in the dell; the poor guy went to hell... TOM: [singing] The Farmer in the Dell... the dialogue just smells... Hi, ho... let's kill Verhoeven... this movie really blows!! MIKE: Neat! > GUY: Get off the stage! Get off the stage! TOM: Sheesh, DID Divine come back from the dead?! > [Cristal and Zack are playful now.] MIKE: You can tell Jamie and Lefty edited this down. I feel sorry for them. CROW: Yeah, imagine actually having to watch the movie? > ZACK: Hey! Where you going? MIKE: [Cristal] I'm going to London to see the Queen! CROW: Nah, they're going to the Cheetah to start schtupping. > MOMMA: You better shut your hole honey, cause mine's making money. You > know what they call that useless piece of skin around the twat? > > CROWD: What? TOM: Bill Clinton? MIKE & CROW: Ooooh... > MOMMA: A woman! ALL: D'OH! CROW: ...Score one for Momma! > [Crowd cheers] CROW: [crowd] We love sexist jokes! > MOMMA: That's all folks! Good night! TOM: [applauds her departure] MIKE: [Momma] I'll be here all week! Enjoy the buffet! > AL: Ladies and Gentlemen, the girl who tickles your pickle, Heather! MIKE: I thought it was "The girl who's Jerkin' yer Gerkin". CROW: I don't want my pickles tickled... I want them lightly caressed. > [Music starts up, and people cheer as Nomi goes onstage. Nomi grunts and > pants with the effort of dancing while people shout at her for her to > take her clothes off.] TOM: No!! Put them on, leave, and stick your head in a toilet full of Drano! MIKE: Tom... take it easy! > [Japanese guy starts talking and others laugh, Cristal nuzzles Zack and > starts snogging with him.] MIKE: Nice word choice. > ZACK: Phil, what did he say? CROW: [Phil] He says, stop snogging in public, it's rude and icky. > PHIL: He says that in America, everyone is a gynecologist. MIKE: So, when we get back to Earth, you guys up to moving to Canada? > [Group laughs] TOM: Well, that's true if you see a Madonna show. CROW: Ha, ha. The movie made a funny. TOM: You're laughing at the movie? CROW: No. I'm laughing at the movie's lame attempt to make a joke. > [People screaming and music is loud, as Nomi dances.] MIKE: She's dancing at the Regal Beagle! > CRISTAL: Do you like her? > > ZACK: I like you. > > CRISTAL: I'll buy her for you. TOM: Fox Undercover: the Las Vegas slave trade. MIKE: [Cristal] And I'm not cleaning up after her! > [Cristal stares at Nomi. Nomi notices this, considers it threatening, > and aborts her routine, running back to the dressing room.] CROW: [Marlin Perkins] The blonde harpy whore is threatened whenever it is ogled. Also, receiving a stare by a superior, dominant female causes it to flee with its tail between its legs. TOM: In Nomi's case, that's not a tail... > [Scene: dressing room. Nomi is very huffy and agitated.] > > AL: What the hell are you doin'? You got a bunch of spenders out there. > Put your nightie on. MIKE: [Al] Wake up and go back to sleep! > MOMMA: Tell him to go fuck himself. *humph* TOM: Momma blacked out from trying to get her breast gadget on. CROW: [Al] OK, where are my "toys"? > AL: I'll kick your ass out of here. TOM: [Al] It keeps trampling the linoleum. > MOMMA: Tell him do yourself a favor. MIKE: [Nomi] OK. "Do yourself a favor". > NOMI: Okay, I'll put my nightie on. [Nomi violently throws it at Al. > There is a dramatic pause, and then Al throws the nightie back at Nomi.] TOM: Behold, the dramatic nightie-tossing scene. CROW: Nomi's equipment manager days come back to haunt her. > [Back outside in the club area, the general stripping/schtupping has > begun. Nomi begins to wade through the crowd.] ALL: [singing] Wade... through the crowwwwd... > GO-GO: Hi, my name is Go-go. CROW [Go-go]: I am the master of the simulacrum! I created this entire sleazy strip joint. TOM: [Go-go] Would you like to go-go with me-me? To the-the Private room-room? MIKE: Then, later they can go to Captain Bragg's zoo-zoo. > [Rowdy, lecherous guys begin to ogle the girls.] TOM [Go-Go/Akane]: HENTAI! *WHAM!* > NOMI: Hi, I'm Heather. Do you like to have a private dance with me? CROW: [Ted Kennedy] Of course! > GUY # 1: Could I suck your tits? > > GUY # 2: I would like a piece of ass. MIKE: Sheesh, are they ordering a lap dance or dinner? TOM: [Guy #2] Can I have fries and a beer with that? > NOMI: You can't touch me but I can touch you. I would really like to > touch you. > > GUY # 3: I know where you could touch me. TOM: [Guy #1] MY ANKLES! CROW: [Guy #2] MY SHINS! MIKE: [Guy #3] MY NOSEHAIRS! CROW & TOM: Huh? > STRIPPER: Heather. MIKE: Locklear? > [Al joins the stripper as well.] TOM: [falsetto] Yeah!! Take it off!! > AL: What's going on? > > STRIPPER: They want a private dance with her. > > [She motions towards Cristal and Zack.] > > AL: So? Great, get over there. CROW: [Nomi, whiny] No!! She's evil! > [Nomi goes over to Cristal and Zack.] > > NOMI: Hi, my name is Heather... > > CRISTAL: Hey Nomi. I love your nails. We would like you to have a > private dance with the both of us. MIKE [Nomi]: Oh shit! There goes my cover! CROW: This isn't 007, Mike. MIKE [whining]: I can pretend, can't I? TOM: Stay frosty, guys. > NOMI: We don't do that. One at a time. No women. > > CRISTAL: A hundred dollars? > > NOMI: Sorry. That's the rules. > > CRISTAL: Two hundred! You just do Zack and I'll watch. Five > hundred. CROW: [auctioneer] One hundred! Do I hear one hundred dollars for Nomi Malone? Two hundred! Five hundred! I hear five hundred dollars... TOM: [auctioneer] SOLD! To the vile, unlikable, malicious skank! > [Al enters scene.] > > AL: Done! [Nomi looks at him.] I said done. > > CRISTAL: ALL: [singing] She is the one named Sailor Moon! CROW: [Cristal] Teehee! She's brittle and I am really snapping her! > [Scene: Private dance room] > [James, who has also gone to the Cheetah, watches from the door. Nomi, > Cristal and Zack enter the room.] TOM: Hey, it's that dude again. > NOMI: You guys just sit over there and I'll... change the music. CROW: [Nomi] I'll put on 'Ham on the bone'. [TOM snickers] TOM: Oh, so *that's* what they call it nowadays! > ZACK: [softly, to Cristal] This is about Chris. MIKE: Oh, no! She's involved with the WWF! > CRISTAL: Isn't that fun? > > ZACK: CROW: [Zack] What was I laughing about? Oh well. > CRISTAL: You sit there... and I'll sit here. MIKE [Cristal]: Far, far away from this movie. TOM: [Cristal] That way, I can quickly leave as the cyanide gas descends from the ceiling, killing you all slowly and efficiently! MIKE: Tom, I think you need some Prozac. > [Cristal sits at the opposite side of the room.] > > NOMI: TOM [Nomi]: Augh, I can't believe I'm doing this. [deeply exaggerated sigh] CROW: [singing] Moanin' Groaning', Moaning... man that stripper's groanin... RAWHIDE! MIKE: [does "whip-crack" noise.] > [The doorman to the private area discovers James peering in.] > > DOORMAN: What are you doing here man? > > JAMES: Nothin. MIKE: It don't look like nuthin. > DOORMAN: You want it, you pay for it. ALL: [singing] You can't...always get what you waaaant... you can't... > [Nomi dances, moans and so does Zack and Cristal. Nomi grinds upon > Zack's lap, very frantically and roughly, until he has apparently > climaxed. TOM: [Nomi] SUUUUURGE!! MIKE: Isn't she going to put her back out by doing that? > Zack is sweaty afterwards. Nomi approaches Cristal to collect > payment.] > > CRISTAL: Thank you. > > NOMI: Five hundred. > > [Cristal pays Nomi the $500. In a rather urgent manner.] CROW: [Nomi] Hey, this is Canadian! You bastard!! > CRISTAL: That was fun, wasn't it? > > ZACK: You are such a bitch. TOM: [Zack] I mean, I was suspicious after you bit the postman in the ass, but this confirms it! > CRISTAL: Hmmmm, but you love me. Can you walk? MIKE: He can walk, there's a little problem about staining though. > [They leave] ALL: YES! MIKE: Let's get outta here. Go to Part 4.