Showgirls- Part 4 Tom: So, folks, you want to see the mind behind the madness of today's movie? Mike: Well, it would explain a lot... Tom: Which is why I hired, Joe Eszterhas for a brief interview. Mike: So, Joe, can I call you Joe? Good. So, Joe, what in the world inspired you to create such a horrific piece of work? Joe: I like naked women. Crow: I see. So why are all the characters in the movie so unlikable? I mean, James, Crystal, Nomi, Al, Henrietta...the whole shebang! Joe: Well...uh...I don't like people very much, so I don't see why I should like the characters in my movie, nor why I should allow anyone else to. Mike: Ah-ha. Are you aware that this movie has a lack of plot, a sick premise, and a heroine who is hated just as much by the audience as the villain of your story? Joe: Uh...I don't like you. I'm leaving. Mike: Well...that was helpful. Mike: MOVIE SIGN!!! > [Scene: Dressing room. MORE naked women.] ALL: [softly hum the opening strains of the "Tubular Boobular" song] CROW: You know what? Even I'M disinterested at this point. MIKE: I think Mr. Eszterhas has one of those "locker room" fantasies. > AL: Thanks girls. Get some rest. go out, celebrate. > > STRIPPER # 1: We could go over to my place and smoke some dope. TOM: [falsetto] Really? Cool! Fer shure! > STRIPPER # 2: Hey, you still got some of that Thai stuff? > > STRIPPER # 3: Some guys get off on thighs, and armpits too. TOM: Oh, thanks. I REALLY wanted to know that. ALL: EUGH! > STRIPPER # 1: Want to come Nomi? CROW: [Nomi] You've been watching me!! AAAGH!! *slap* > NOMI: [sullenly] No. > > PENNY: I'll come. TOM: And how! MIKE: Tom, its bad enough Crow does his scthick! > AL: Hey! You just got five hundred off a lap dance. TOM: [Al] Dignity? What's that? CROW: I seem to have lost mine somewhere. > NOMI: Al, just stop it! > > [Nomi leaves.] > > AL: You act like somebody died. MIKE: There it is! Proof from the characters that the acting is dead. > [Scene: bedroom, Nomi is lying in bed.] CROW: Ah, she IS dead... [pause] ALL: WHOOOHOOO!!!!! MIKE: ...stinking of gin? > [Pounding on door wakes Nomi up. She answers the door, and we see > James. (?!)] TOM: Ah, James is the resident creepy stalker! MIKE: He's got to get in his screen time somehow. > JAMES: Hey. [Nomi looks at him] Yo, wait a minute. Listen... just listen. > You got more natural talent when you dance then anyone I've ever seen > dance. And I've seen a lot of dancers. I studied in New York, > Alvin Ailey ... you burn when you dance. TOM: Good. Let's add a little kerosene to speed it up. MIKE: Ouch! > NOMI: But you said I couldn't. CROW: [Nomi] And, as you know, I consider your viewpoints essential to my being! > JAMES: Oh, you've got to hold some of it in. You got some shit to learn, > that's not fuckin'. > > NOMI: What's that? More wisdom? I know that! MIKE: [laughs] Wisdom. Yeah, right. TOM: [Nomi] It's a slang term for sexual intercourse! > JAMES: No you don't. You dance like when you fucked that guy last night. > > NOMI: What guy? MIKE: [Nixon] What tapes? > JAMES: That guy, with the chick. You took him in the back. > > NOMI: I didn't fuck him. > > JAMES: Yeah you did! You fucked him and her! TOM: [Nomi] Did not! CROW: [James] Did too! TOM: [Nomi] Did not! CROW: [James] Did too! TOM: [Nomi] Did not! CROW: [James] Did too! TOM: [Nomi] Did no-- MIKE: AAARRRGGHHH!!! [picks up TOM and throws him at the screen.] CROW: Whoa, take it easy, Mike! [TOM returns to his seat.] > NOMI: Are you following me around? I didn't fuck anybody. I was just... CROW: [Nomi] Bucking and rolling on a guy's lap, causing him to cream his shorts! > JAMES: I saw you! Man, everybody got AIDS and shit. You know, what is it > that you think you do? You fuck him without fucking him, that's what you > do. Well it ain't right. You got too much talent for it to be right. MIKE: So...is that the point of this movie? TOM: [James] Talent loosely defined as riding a fellow rodeo-style. > [Nomi shoves James angrily.] > > NOMI: Get out of here! CROW: [Nomi] And by out of here, I mean out here! > JAMES: Bitch, I'm telling you the truth! You want me to go? I'm > outta here. > [James leaves.] ALL: And stay out! MIKE: [James] You know how I can annoy the audience? I can say what I'm going to do and then do it! > [Scene: Nomi is sitting on park bench outside of Luxor] MIKE: I've been to the Luxor, you can get lost in minutes! > MOLLY: Boo! CROW: [Nomi] AAAAHH! You bitch! *slap* > [perkily] I got an A! TOM:[surprised] How did she pull that off? MIKE: [looks at TOM] TOM: Oh. > NOMI: Yeah! [laughs] CROW: [Nomi] What, you want a biscuit? > MOLLY: Four more classes and they're gonna have to give me that degree! CROW: In what? Ceramics? MIKE: [Molly] Provided that I pass them! TOM: So what are the degrees in? Cute sidekick-to-bitchy-leadology? CROW: Maybe it's sewing. > NOMI: That's great. > > [Scene: Nomi and Molly are walking down a sidewalk] CROW: [hums the Mary Tyler Moore theme song] > MOLLY: Oh my god I haven't gotten laid in six months. My right hand is > so tired I can barely thread a needle. MIKE: A witty way of saying she masturbates a lot. TOM: I kinda expected Crow to jump on that one. CROW: What, me? I don't take the easy battles, baby! > NOMI: Then use the left one. > > MOLLY: For threading a needle? CROW: No, you stupid clod! To twang your twala! Geez! TOM: Joey-kins sure knows how to *beat* a joke to death, no pun intended. MIKE: [laughs] > NOMI: Yeah. TOM: Alright, can I say it Mike? Can I say it? MIKE: Not yet, Servo. > [Both laugh] CROW: Well, it seems the writer is wising up with jokes... Who am I kidding, kill me now! MIKE: [Nomi] I mean, DUH! If your right hand is cut off, use the left one! > [Scene: inside shopping mall, Nomi and Molly are looking at a pretty dress > in the window.] > > NOMI: Oh, I like that. > > MOLLY: I can make that. > > NOMI: Yeah? TOM: [Molly] A little spit, duct tape and chewing gum, and we're there. > MOLLY: Yeah. Lets go to the fabric store. > > NOMI: I want to buy it. I've got the money. CROW: She's got the money! ALL: The money?! > MOLLY: Why? TOM: [singing] Tell me, WHYYY, YYYYY, YYY. CROW: Nice and obscure, Servo. > NOMI: I don't know why, I just want to. I never had a dress like > that. It would look great on me. Won't it? MIKE: [Nomi] Won't it, please, pretty please with sugary-sweet jujubes on top? Or I'll have to arrange an "accident" with your knees and my baseball bat! CROW: [Molly] It looks great!! In fact, I would swear you were Liz Taylor! > MOLLY: Yeah. MIKE: Typical Lucy and Ethel moment. > [Scene: In dress store] > > [Molly and Nomi laughing] > > NOMI: So what do you think? > > MOLLY: Oh my goodness. Wow. CROW: Brought to you by people with a second-grade vocabulary. MIKE: [Molly] You look so good in that dress. I am stunned. You look like the Queen of Sheba. ALL: [unenthusiastically] Yay... > CLERK: It looks quite good on you! > > NOMI: It doesn't suck. CROW: It doesn't, but the movie does! MIKE: At this rate, the dress is going to be the best part of the movie. > [The clerk briskly and huffily walks away.] TOM: [Molly] Nomi, most people don't have B.A.'s in Suckology. > [Scene: outside dress store] > > NOMI: I can't believe I bought it! > > MOLLY: We'll celebrate. I'll buy you a burrito. I'll even buy you some > fajitas. CROW: [Molly] Then after that, we make music! > NOMI: Oh fajitas... Oh fuck I can't. I'm on early. Al is on my > back. MIKE: [Molly] *That's* why your bust measurement is 106 inches! Silly me! > MOLLY: Don't worry! I'll drive you. TOM: [Molly] Into Lake Mead... > Oh my God! CROW: [deep voice] You rang? > [Molly shrieks as > she notices an Andrew Carver poster on a wall.] He's coming here! MIKE: [Molly] I mean, he's *coming* here! TOM: That was inappropriate, Mike. MIKE: Sorry. > NOMI: Maybe you'll meet him. > > MOLLY: Are you kidding? I wouldn't even know what to say to him. CROW: I don't even know who Andrew Carver is! TOM: [Molly] Maybe I can do what you normally do. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" > NOMI: Just say Andrew, I can't even thread a needle any more. > > [They both laugh] CROW: Haha. Funny. TOM: CAN I SAY IT NOW MIKE?!? PLEEEASE??? MIKE: Not yet, Servo, calm down. > MOLLY: Baby! Momma's waiting for you. Come to me. MIKE: ...the hell? TOM: The part of Molly Abrams will now be played by Nell Carter. > NOMI: Come on! Stop! CROW: Oooooookay. > MOLLY: I gotta get tickets for that concert. > > [Scene: Cheetah strip joint] > > [Yet more stripping and naked breasts. Lots of grunting from strippers > and shouts from the crowd.] MIKE: This SO much reminds me of my old fraternity. CROW: [random stripper] Ohhh... losing power... must strip before... it's all gone... > GUY # 1: Hey baby, give it to me! CROW: [guy] Give me an STD! MIKE: Crow... none of that! > NOMI: Excuse me. Excuse me. MIKE: [Nomi] Drat. Should't have eaten those bean burritos. > [Nomi wades through a sea of lecherous guys.] > > GUY # 1: Hey baby, come on. Come on. CROW: [Guy] Come on, Esaison! Get in the end zone just once!! > PHIL: Hey. MIKE: [Nomi] Ho, let's go! > [Phil grabs Nomi.] > > NOMI: Fuck off! MIKE: [British accent] No. I don't want to. TOM: [Nomi] Plot on! CROW: Not likely. > [Nomi lashes out at Phil.] > > PHIL: Whoa Sorry. Remember me? Phil Newkirk, Stardust hotel. MIKE: [Phil] I'm their resident lecher. > [Phil hands Nomi a card.] > > NOMI: Uh-huh. TOM: [Nomi] Yeah, right! You're not one of the Osmonds! > PHIL: Listen, there's a spot open in the chorus line. We're auditioning > tomorrow morning. I think you should try out. CROW: [Phil] You can be the chicken! > NOMI: Me? > > PHIL: Yeah, you. MIKE: Well, he's not talking to anyone else. > NOMI: You came here to ask me? TOM: [Phil] Well, I came to get off by watching strippers, grab a few asses and stuff, but that's beside the point. > PHIL: When I saw you dance, I thought... yes. MIKE: [Phil] ... you have no talent and should audition to bare your breasts for *us* instead. > NOMI: She sent you, didn't she? TOM: Uh...which "she?" I know lots of *she*s. CROW: [Nomi] I know she's out there!! Carlene McGillicuddy!! She means to destroy me!! MIKE: The Truth is Out There. > PHIL: No, nobody sent me. Be there at ten. > > [As Phil leaves, he smacks a girl on the behind.] > > NOMI: CROW: [Nomi] Perverts are funny! > GUY # 2: I wanna see your ass. > > [As the scene closes, we hear Momma singing a terrible, unintelligible > song.] TOM: Momma is actually Kurt Cobain. MIKE: [covers his ears] ACK! NASTY! CROW: Boo! Get off stage! TOM: She should join Hanson. MIKE: Let's take another break.... Go to Part 5.