Showgirls- Part 5 Mike: Well, guys, at this point, we usually try to act out a scene or two to try to make more sense out of the movie. Any ideas, guys? Crow: Well, Mike, the problem is that we don't have the casting to pull anything off. The fact is, there is nothing going on in the movie for us to be acting out. Mike: Oh, sure there is, Crow. I'm sure Tom will come up with something. Tom: I've got it! Mike: See? Tom: Okay. We can act out the dressing room scene where the girls are complaining about the monkey droppings. Mike: Well...there wasn't really too much to that scene except naked women. Tom: Hmm...aha! We can do the scene in the street after Nomi gets released from jail! Mike: Well, but I'm pretty clear on that scene. There wasn't any development there that we missed... Tom: Okay. Oh! How about the scene at the Cheetah where we first met Penny! Mike [skeptical]: Uh...which part of that scene...? Tom: Well...crap there isn't anything there. Crow: See Mike? I told you so. Mike: Yeah, I suppose you're right. Mike: MOVIE SIGN! > [Scene: Trailer Court, Nomi exits a cab.] > > NOMI: Thank you! > > CAB DRIVER: Good night. TOM: Okay, after appearing in this movie, that cab driver's career is over. CROW: [Cabbie] And good riddance! > [Nomi runs to Molly's trailer, screaming excitedly.] MIKE: [Nomi] Aaaah!! Somebody put mace in my panties!! Aaaah!! > NOMI: Molly? Molly! > > MOLLY: What? What is it? > > NOMI: I got a... I got a audition. TOM: Ah! Don't *do* that! ALL: Argh!! CROW: One more shriek and we'll be deaf. TOM: [Nomi] And I also got an appointment to get rid of my stuttering problem! > [Scene: Stardust stage, other dancers are lined up for the audition. Nomi > quickly prepares herself when Tony Moss starts going down the line. She gets > back just in time.] > > TONY: Pollyana. TOM: NO, NOT ANOTHER DISNEY 50'S MOVIE!!! > NOMI: What did you call me? > > TONY: I said you look like Pollyana. MIKE: Was that supposed to be funny or just stupid? CROW: Stupid. > [walks in front of the women.] Okay > Ladies! I'm Tony Moss. I produce this show. Some of you have probably > heard that I'm a prick. I am a prick. I got one interest here, and > that's the show. I don't care if you live or die. MIKE: [Tony] Because I'm the God. I'M THE GOD!!!! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! TOM: [Tony] If you want to last more than a week, you'll give me a *blow job*! MIKE: Whoa! TOM: Sorry, relapse from the Cheetah. > I wanna see you dance, > and I wanna see you smile. CROW: [Tony] ...I want to take you out to the Smiling Snatch for some home cookin'! > I can't use you if you can't smile. I can't > use you if you can't show. I can't use you if you can't sell. Let me > take a look at ya. Spread out. Spread out. MIKE: [Tony] Put your hands on your head! Turn around! You have the right to remain clueless. > [approaches the first girl in > the line, and looks at her chest.] Jesus Chris. Marty, take a look at > these tits. What are these? Watermelons? This is a stage babe, it's not > a patch. See ya. TOM: And common sense about breasts comes to the rescue! CROW: Well, there goes that myth about guys liking massive hooters. > [moves on to the next girl.] I've seen you before. TOM: [Tony] On the end of my knob!! Ah, I'm such a prick! MIKE: A speech that long, and only three words longer than six letters. > WOMAN: Yes Mr. Moss, I've auditioned for you in January. You told me to > get my nose fixed. CROW: It's Nancy Kerrigan! > TONY: Nose looks good. TOM [Tony]: I like the Cyrano de Bergerac look. > WOMAN: Thank you Mr. Moss. > > TONY: Nice smile too. > > WOMAN: Thank you Mr. Moss. CROW: [Tony] Nice yabos! MIKE: [woman] Thank you, Mr. Moss. CROW: [Tony] That's a pretty ass you have. MIKE: [woman] Thank you, Mr. Moss. TOM: STOP IT!!! > TONY: You know what though? Your ears are sticking out. They are. Come > back and see me when you've got them fixed. See ya. MIKE: [woman] Um, like... Thank you, Mr. Moss? > [moves to the next > girl.] Can you spell MGM backwards? I bet you can. MIKE [second woman]: M... G... uh... what comes after G?. > SECOND WOMAN: MGM. MIKE: I spell 'MGM' "Lawsuit". CROW: He hires her based on whether she can spell MGM? TOM: Man, these guys have lower standards than Hollywood directors. > TONY: I'm impressed. [moves to the next girl, and squeezes her cheeks.] > Come back when you've fucked off some of this baby fat. See ya. CROW: "Baby Fat" moved on to a promising career as a White House Intern. MIKE: Yeah, just look at Monica Lewinsky. > [moves > to the next girl.] I hope you got some nice wigs, Tennis ball. > > THIRD WOMAN: I do. TOM: Then, by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you jerk and wife. MIKE: ["Tennis Ball"] I also have a nice selection of racquets, too! > TONY: [moves on to the next girl] What kind of classes have you had? > > FOURTH WOMAN: Ice skating classes, Mr. Moss. Ballet classes. Technique > classes. Stretch classes. Jazz classes. Jazz Technique classes. MIKE [Fourth woman]: Lamaze classes. CROW: You're overqualified, girl. Go get a real job or something. TOM: They should hire her over at McDonald's, so that those dorks can get the orders right. > TONY: This show is called Goddess, it's not called classes. See ya. > [comes over to Nomi.] What kind of classes have you had? CROW: [Nomi] Bitch classes. MIKE: [Nomi] Non-acting classes. TOM: [Nomi] Unlikability classes. > NOMI: I haven't had classes. > > TONY: Then what are you doing here? CROW [Nomi]: I'm watching you be a prick. > NOMI: I'm watching you being a prick. MIKE: Wow. Crow, you're psychic. CROW: I feel dirty. > [Tony is a bit surprised.] TOM: [Tony] She's supposed to bend and cower under my will! > TONY: Heh. Well you ain't see nothing yet. [goes offstage] Gay? Run em > through the routine. > > [We see Gay Carpenter, who is a blonde... looking not unlike Pia Zadora. She is > the dance coach.] MIKE: She's also not gay. CROW: Gay Carpenter... wasn't that one of the Village People? TOM: No, you mean *the* gay carpenter. CROW: Oh. > GAY: All right you guys, back up and find some space. Take your right > leg, slap it on one... two, a three and four. MIKE: I'll take my right leg and shove it up your a$$. > TONY: Go. TOM: [Tony] Metro. > GAY: Go. Five six seven... HIT IT!!! [Cristal enters, as Gay shouts > instructions for a few seconds] All right, relax guys, you can take a > break. > > [Marty and Tony whisper] > > TONY: Hello doll. CROW: [Cristal] Hello, action figure! TOM: Showgirls: treating women like objects since film concept. > CRISTAL: So how's it going? > > MARTY: Pretty good. MIKE: [Marty] Tony's being a prick again... I love it! > TONY: Okay. I want you to stay. [points to an auditioner] And > you... [points to another auditioner] You too. [to Nomi.] Good bye > ladies! You've wasted my time and yours! TOM: And ours too! > The other three, line em up! > [The other girls briskly walk away, muttering.] CROW: [falsetto] I can't believe I got passed up for Susan Powter! > Okay, show me your tits. > [The girls are surprised.] I got a topless show for Christ's sakes, let > me see your tits! [All three remove their tops. Tony walks down the > line.] Very nice. MIKE: [Tony] So nice... and succulent... so nice to be touching them later! > Very nice ladies. Gay? CROW: No, I'm not. > GAY: Yeah? > > TONY: Go to the other music. Marty? Change the lights. TOM: [Tony] Go to the soft, subtle strobes. > [Instructions and times are shouted between Marty, Gay, and stage crew. > The girls dance frantically.] > > TONY: I want to see some attitude! I said attitude! Come on ladies! > Sell! Sell your bodies! Cut it! Try Yoga babe, you hanging from the > ceiling or somethin? See ya. [girl leaves.] CROW: [girl] Well, I do look like Elvira! > Marty. Ice. [to Nomi] You > got something wrong with your nipples? > > NOMI: No. MIKE: [Nomi] They grew up in a wonderful home, and were raised perfectly! Don't blame their behavior on me! > [Tony is now in front of her.] > > TONY: They're not sticking up. Stick em up. TOM: [Tony] Give me all your milk! MIKE & CROW: [laugh] > NOMI: What? [Nomi also sees Cristal, and becomes apprehensive.] CROW: [Marlin Perkins] Again, we see that the Nomi subspecies of cheap whore becomes threatened when in the presence of the alpha bitch. > TONY: Play with them a little bit. Pinch them a little. You want me to > do it for ya? I'll do it. [Nomi massages her nipples.] I'm erect. Why > aren't you erect? CROW: He just said his nipples are erect... MIKE: [Nomi] Darn Prozac limits my performance... > Here, put some ice on them. TOM: [grandmotherly voice] It'll keep the swelling down. > [Nomi complies for a > second, before chucking the ice cubes at Toni and bolting offstage.] Oh, > you got that one right. See ya Pollyana! [Off screen, as Nomi runs > backstage] That's it for today! Thank you! MIKE: Right now, I'm so embarrassed to be a human male. TOM: Don't worry, Mike, we're embarrassed about you, too. MIKE: Thanks, Tom, I... Hey! CROW: [MC] Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that was Tony the Prick! Enjoy the buffet! And be sure to tip your waitress! > [Cristal enters the dressing area. Nomi sees her.] > > NOMI: You got me the audition, didn't you? > > CRISTAL: Um-huh. > > NOMI: Why? MIKE: [Cristal] I'm the bitch that has to get in your head, remember? TOM: [Nomi] Oh, right. I keep forgetting that. > CRISTAL: Maybe I like the way you dance. Maybe I like you. What > difference does it make? > > NOMI: Did you enjoy that out there? > > CRISTAL: Yeah darlin, I think I did. TOM: [Cristal] I pooped my drawers, I'm so excited! > NOMI: I hate you. CROW: Good, that's what you're paid to do. TOM: We hate you too, so what's your point? > CRISTAL: I know. [Nomi sniffles] Here, wipe your nose. MIKE: A touching scene... > [Scene: Stardust Entrance] > > BELL BOSS: The orthodontist convention is over there and the realtors > will be here in twenty minutes! Lets line em up! > > [James is now a bellboy, and is loading luggage onto a rack. He sees > Nomi leave the hotel.] CROW: That guy is the poster boy for temporary unemployment! > JAMES: Hey! > > NOMI: Hey. CROW: [hums some Russian music] Hey! [hums some more] Hey! MIKE: Hay is for horses! > JAMES: What are you doing here? > > NOMI: I just did an audition. > > JAMES: What? You wanna be a showgirl? TOM: [Nomi] Didn't you read the script, numbnuts? 'SHOWGIRLS'! > [James' boss comes over to him.] > > BOSS: Smith, what are you doin? Move those bags! TOM: [James] But Nomi is my friend! MIKE: [James] Job? What job? > JAMES: Didn't go too good, huh? Well ya know, I'm glad about that... > > NOMI: Oh just don't, okay? I'm not in the mood. CROW: [Nomi] Nobody is allowed to be happy around me!! > BOSS: [points at James] Hey Smith! Hey Smith, I'm talking to you. CROW: [singing] Shout! Shout! Let it all out! These are the things I can't do without! Come on! I'm talking to you! Come on! MIKE: World's longest signing riff. CROW: Thank you. > [James ignores his boss and talks to Nomi.] MIKE: The model graduate of Bryant & Stratton. > JAMES: Man, you don't wanna be in this kind of show. What you're doin', > at least it's honest. they want tits and ass, you give them tits and > ass. Here, they pretend they want something else, but you still show > them tits and ass. MIKE: The movie that easily admits that its whole purpose is for some cheap T-AND-A shots! CROW: [James] It's like when Suzanne Somers auditioned for "Charlie's Angels." TOM: [James] ...and I'd appreciate it if you showed *me* some tits and ass, heh, heh... > BOSS: Hey Smith, you wanna work her, you work her on your own time you > got that? Now go over there and start lining on those bags. > > JAMES: I'm talking to her. > > BOSS: You're what? MIKE: ...about to get fired. > JAMES: I said I'm talking to her. I'm not working her. I'm talking to > her. And you're interrupting my conversation and that's rude. Now get > the fuck out of here! Asshole. > > BOSS: You're fired! MIKE: What a loser. Gets fired from two jobs in two weeks. > JAMES: Yeah? You take this jacket! [throws it at his now former boss.] CROW: Geez! This guy is a career kamikaze! TOM: What does Nomi see in him? MIKE: Nothing, actually... he's unlikable too. > Come on. Now look what you done, you got me fired again. CROW: Sure, blame it on Nomi. TOM: [James] You physically moved my vocal cords and made me mouth off at my boss. > [James walks off with Nomi.] > > NOMI: > > JAMES: You're a real bad ass, you know that? Ain't you got no shame? CROW: [James] Where did you get that dress? It's awful! > You > know what? Look at what a beautiful day it is. The suns shining, the > neon blazing, money's flowin' ... MIKE: [James] Wait a minute... scratch that, I got fired again. Forgot for a sec. > I'm gonna cheer you up, you know that? > I'm gonna get you the best meal in town. TOM: [James] We're going to the 'smili... MIKE: We already covered that, Tom. > NOMI: Yeah? > > JAMES: Yeah. MIKE: A Big Mac and fries! > NOMI: CROW: [Nomi] Yeah? TOM: [James] Yeah. CROW: [Nomi] Yeah? MIKE: STOP!! CROW: This movie is getting to us. > [Scene: Nomi is in James' car driving through alleyway. She is eating a > burger, rather ravenously.] TOM: Hopefully it will be a Jack-In-The Box burger, and this movie will end. CROW: [Nomi] What are these long white things in my burger? MIKE: CROW!! That's disgusting! TOM: Ick. > JAMES: You like that burger? > > NOMI: Uh-huh. > > JAMES: Where you from? > > NOMI: Different places. TOM [Nomi]: I'm a composite stripper-zord. CROW: [Nomi] Mom says that she was in labor in the back seat, but I was birthed in the toilet. MIKE: Ouch! > JAMES: You like talking about you, huh? > > NOMI: Where are we? > > JAMES: My place. > > NOMI: Why? CROW: [James] Because I wanna f... uh... show you around. TOM: [James] To have sex! DUH! Hello, you're in an Eszterhas film!! > [They both get out of the car.] > > JAMES: I wanna show you somethin'. CROW: [James] I want you meet my two best friends, and then later we can visit my pals at the Stardust. MIKE: [James] And size doesn't matter. > [Scene: Inside Smith's house] > > JAMES: Best suite in town. I had to beg and plead to get it. TOM: [James] Also, I had to wet a bit, but it paid off! > NOMI: This what you wanted to show me? MIKE: Boy, Nomi sure isn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. > JAMES: What? This nice big bed here? Hmmm? I wrote this number. It's > about you. TOM: You? Write? ALL: [laugh] MIKE: [James] It's called, "Born Under the Trailer". > NOMI: You don't know anything about me. TOM: [Oscar] ... but I know all that there is to know about you. Nobody deserves you but me... someday we'll meet and I'll have you... CROW: Actually, I can't picture Nomi molesting Artemis. > JAMES: I know you're a private dancer. I only need three other girls. We > can put it on at the Crave Club. I'll show ya. Stand right here. Watch > me. CROW: And Prince knocks down the door with a lawsuit! > [James demonstrates the first part of his dance, which is very awkward.] MIKE: [James] I call this 'Chicken in repose'. > NOMI: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Slow down! Like this? > > [Nomi mimics his dance moves.] TOM: [Nomi] Man! This is *really* simple! > JAMES: Yeah. [Grunts and other sounds are made as the two start to > dance] TOM: Dance? CROW: Yeah, you know, horizontal mambo. MIKE: Sounds like someone trying to teach a kid how to swim. > Here, come on, now follow me. I know you can. TOM: [Mr. Rogers] Hey, boys and girls... can you say "idiotic"? Sure, I knew you could! > [Both grunt and wheeze as they dance and when Nomi gives Smith a > lapdance. Nomi again whips back and forth frantically. CROW: [Nomi, elderly] Young whippersnapper... gonna make me put my back out! > Nomi's dancing becomes > progressively more sexual, until she is undulating on his lap. And then the sex > stops a little ways into it. James reaches into her pants, but Nomi stops him.] MIKE: [James] Hey, what's this sausage doing in your pants? TOM: [Nomi] That's not a sausage. MIKE: [James] Oh. AAAAAAAHHH!! > NOMI: My period. > > JAMES: Yeah right. CROW: [James] It's your semicolon. > NOMI: Check. [James reaches in and removes his hand, looking at it. > (YUCK)] See? MIKE: Oh Christ, can this get any more sickening?! CROW: NASTY!!! TOM: Boo!!! [ALL gag, retch, etc.] > JAMES: It's all right. I got towels. > > NOMI: You can fuck me when you love me. TOM: [James] How come you do *that* and don't love me? Huh? > [Nomi kisses James and walks away.] > > JAMES: But I didn't do nothin'! CROW: [James] I *did* grope and fondle you while you did a lapdance! > NOMI: Yeah right. > > JAMES: You don't fool me. I see you. MIKE: [James] Why are you stealing my silverware? > NOMI: What do you see? MIKE [Morden]: What do you want? CROW [singing]: Do you see what I see? TOM: [James] A cheap, slutty, hard-nosed hooker. CROW: [Nomi] Wow! > JAMES: I see you hidin'. > > NOMI: From what? MIKE: [James] The police. I hear you have at least 15 outstanding warrants. > JAMES: From you. You got into some bad shit some place, didn't > you? TOM: [James] Yeah, I saw you at that night club! CROW: [James] You're only allowed to get into *my* bad shit! > NOMI: Thanks for the hamburger! [flags a taxi and almost gets hit by it] > Hey! Wait! CROW: Damn! So close! TOM: Just think... wet road... wet brakes... no more Nomi. BWAH,HAHAHAHAHA!!! MIKE: Take it easy, Tom! > [Scene: Nomi and Molly's trailer. Nomi enters.] > > MOLLY: Where were you? What happened? Tony Moss called. He said to call > him right away. Here's the number... call him! Jesus, I'll call him. MIKE: [Jesus] So... my child... just why are you telling me this? > [Molly dials a number on the phone.] Tony Moss, please? It's Nomi > Malone. [hands the phone to Nomi] > NOMI: [picks up phone] Yes? Yes. Okay. I got it. CROW: Here's the other side of the conversation: Ms. Berkley? We regret to inform you that you are no longer welcome in Hollywood. You should be ashamed for being in an Eszterhas film. You suck, so bite me. TOM: Look who else needs to relax! > [Scene: Cheetah strip club. Momma is singing and crowd is cheering. Al > comes over to Nomi.] > > AL: You're late. > > NOMI: I'm gone. Got another job, Al. CROW: [Nomi] It's called "Saved by the Bell: The College Years". MIKE: Ick, Crow! did you have to remind me of THAT flop?! TOM: Not going to say it... not going to say it... hmmmm... nope! > [Scene: Dressing room of Cheetah. Al follows Nomi in.] > > AL: Where you goin'? You goin' to another club? If they're giving you a > better cut, I'll match it. MIKE: [Al] Fetch me my machete! > NOMI: I'm in Goddess. At the Stardust. MIKE: In Dea sum. Ad...aw, forget it. > AL: TOM: [Al] Boy, their standards must have been dropped! CROW: It's funny! > MOMMA: What's so fucking funny? > > AL: [mockingly] She's going down to the Stardust. She's going to be in > showbiz... TOM [Al,singing]: She's going down to South Park, gonna have herself a time... > MOMMA: Well good for her! Ladidadida. She'll be back. MIKE: Does anyone get the feeling that Momma took one look at the script, threw it out and just winged it? > NOMI: No I won't. I'm never coming back. TOM [Nomi/Terminator]: I'll be back. CROW: Famous last words... > AL: You're a fucking stripper, don't you get it? > > NOMI: I'm a dancer! CROW [Nomi/Denis Leary]: I *am* the lord of the dance! *BEEP* Michael Flatley, it's me! MIKE: [Nomi] A... dancing stripper... ehhh... > AL: You're a dancer, then Henry here is the fucking Virgin Mary! TOM: Then how can she still be a virgin? > MOMMA: I got bigger tits then the fucking Virgin Mary and I got a bigger > mouth, too. [activates her breast-baring device again.] MIKE: The FUCKING Virgin Mary? Uh... TOM: I've seen enough of that thingy. CROW: This is the only film with lots of tits that can actually make me vomit. Mike, I'm in hell! MIKE: Hang in there, Crow... it will be OK. > NOMI: Bye Henry. > > MOMMA: Hey, goddamnit, you're the only one who can get my tits popping > right. TOM: I'm not going to touch that one. CROW: Ditto. > NOMI: See ya Al! > > AL: Yeah. > > [Several strippers say good bye.] MIKE: [falsetto] Boy, good thing she got out of here, or else we would have to whack her. I hate that snotty little whore! > AL: I'm not hiring you back you hear me? Not even if you give me a > fucking *blow* job! CROW: How about a *rim* job? MIKE & TOM: CROW, NO! MIKE: There's an image I can do without. > [Nomi leaves.] > > [Scene: Outside James' home. Nomi is banging on James' door.] TOM: Isn't *that* ironic! MIKE: [laughs] > NOMI: Hey! Come on! > > [James comes to the door, wearing only a towel.] > > JAMES: Whoa! CROW: [James] You're... like here! TOM: Danger: Sharp learning curve ahead... > NOMI: I got it! > > JAMES: Got what? TOM: [Nomi] The clap! MIKE: What did I tell you guys about VD jokes? > NOMI: I'm in the show... at Goddess. > > JAMES: What about the number I wrote for ya? I thought we were working > on something, you and I. CROW: Well, yeah... Our nerves! ARRRGH! > NOMI: James... [sees a naked woman in James' house, who we later find > out is Penny.] She in your number? TOM: No, she's in his *bed*. Pay attention. CROW [James, lasciviously]: I'm teaching her the lambada. MIKE & TOM: That's the forbidden dance! > JAMES: I'll be right there! She can't dance. MIKE: [James] But man, can she shine a knob... oooh... CROW: You are now ready, Grasshopper. > NOMI: Yeah, but you're gonna teach her... right? [huffy] She's got > talent... right? MIKE: [Nomi] My talents are huge! TOM: Oh, don't get jealous *now*, Nomi! > JAMES: You know, you and me we ain't got no ties. > > NOMI: Dancing ain't fucking... right? MIKE: [James] No, that's *lap* dancing. CROW: [Nomi] Ooopsie... TOM: So tell me why she's so upset when she said "Fuck me when you love me!". > JAMES: Yeah, that's right. > > NOMI: See yah. [After Nomi leaves, Penny comes to the door.] > > PENNY: Who was that? TOM: [James] Oh, just another woman that I tried to string along... ooops. CROW: James Smith a womanizer? Say it ain't so! > JAMES: Oh... just somebody who wanted to be in the number. > > PENNY: Well you're not gonna give her my part, are you? MIKE: [James] Well, as long as you keep "handling your business", we will be OK. > JAMES: No baby, she can't dance. I wrote that number for you, > you know that. [smacks Penny on the arse.] CROW: You don't think they mean Rick James, do you? TOM: Gee... so... he's also lecherous. MIKE: Please, let me apologize for my gender. > PENNY: Oww! ALL: No comment! > [Scene: Hallway of an office building. Nomi goes to the secretary's > desk.] > > NOMI: Excuse me? CROW: [Nomi] You want me to rearrange your face? What did you say? MIKE: [secretary] Nothing! Nothing! I swear! > SECRETARY: What can I do for you? > > NOMI: I'm supposed to see Mr. Moss. I'm Nomi Malone. TOM: [Nomi] And you're not. > SECRETARY: Okay. Go on in. > > [Scene: Inside Tony's office.] > > TONY: One day she looks like Pollyana, the next she looks like... CROW [Tony]: A hooker. > I don't know, Lolita, maybe. MIKE: Jeremy Irons IS Tony! CROW: Yeah, except "Lolita" doesn't suck nearly as much as "Showgirls". MIKE: You watched "Lolita"? CROW: Ummm... I heard about it. > Nice dress. > > NOMI: Thanks. I bought it at Ver-says. [Everyone looks at her, a bit > surprised.] In the Forum. TOM: [Nomi] Don't you know it? The place where the Kings play! > TONY: Oh yeah! Ver-says? I love Ver-says. [Marty and Gay agree] MIKE: Ver... says Versace? CROW: What does Ver say? TOM: [Marty & Gay] We love it too! > NOMI: Me too. > > TONY: Okay, you know Marty? > > MARTY: Hi. > > NOMI: Hi. > > TONY: Gay's our line captain. CROW: [Gay] I'm the captain, Hey sailor! > GAY: Hi. TOM: No one will be admitted during the thrilling reintroduction scene! > NOMI: Hi. MIKE: Hi. I'm Mike. I want to get out of this theater. TOM: ARRRRGHHH!! Stop with the "Hi" and GET ON WITH IT! CROW: I don't know how much more of this I can take! > [Tony approaches Nomi] > > TONY: If you let me down, I could lose my reputation for being such an > all knowing prick. I worked very hard for that reputation, so don't do > it... deal? > > NOMI: Deal. TOM: Man, Tony is so much like Al! CROW: [Tony/Al] If you want to last more than a week, you'll have to give me a fucking *blow* job! MIKE: OK, Crow... enough of that one. > TONY: Gay will show you around. CROW: They probably wanted a eunuch, but got a gay instead. > NOMI: Okay. > > GAY: Lets get going. > > MARTY: Nomi? We'll do a run-through this after noon. TOM: Yeah, right through this movie. CROW: [Marty] Follow us to the I-15, and we can have a *real* run-through! > NOMI: Great! > > TONY: Good luck. > > NOMI: Thank you. > > GAY: They always tell you that in Vegas. Just before they take your > money. MIKE: Or in the movie theaters showing this film! > [Scene: Dressing room of Stardust] TOM: [Gay] Lets get ready for the big 'Sailor Moon' act now girls! > GAY: You need to maintain your weight. Eat lots of brown rice and > vegetables. And stay indoors. I don't want to see any tan lines. CROW: Me neither! [smile] > Your > make-up and your costumes are you own responsibility. Don't take em > home. Whatever you do, don't ever, ever go out on stage crying. MIKE: [Gay] Oh, and when "dieting", I recommend using one of the toilets near the board room... they hold more food. TOM: Mike, you have been unusually dark lately. Are you OK? > NOMI: > > GAY: You do eat brown rice and vegetables, don't you? > > NOMI: Sure. TOM [Nomi]: By "brown rice and vegetables", you mean cheeseburgers, right? CROW: This is suddenly the documentary of a showgirl somehow. > [The two enter the dressing area.] > > GAY: Good. This is your table. If you're smart, and I was smart, MIKE: [Gay] Before my lobotomy... TOM: Mike, you're assuming that she actually *had* a brain. > you'll figure out a job and a man for later on. TOM: [Gay] Them being men and all, they are easy to figure out! > NOMI: How'd you find your guy? > > GAY: I chipped my tooth on a Quaalude. He was my Dentist. CROW: [Gay] I suppose I should ask him why my rear hurts after he gives me the anesthesia. Oh, well. > NOMI: TOM: [Gay] I married him for the discounts. > [Nomi and Gay come over to the destined stairs, which will figure > prominently into the story. The stairs are one flight, and made of blue > steel. Gay and Nomi run up them.] CROW: Hey, staircase. Nice plot contrivance. TOM: And trip and fall, hitting their heads and dying. The end. > GAY: You'll be running this monster six times a night. Hold onto the > railing. You don't want to fall. I'll bring you up to Personnel. They > want some information. > > NOMI: What kind of information? MIKE: Like, are you qualified to be a Spice Girl, that sort of thing... > [Scene: Personnel office] > > SECRETARY: Date of birth. > > NOMI: 7, uh, 3, 73. CROW: If you take that long to remember your birthday, something is wrong with you. TOM: [Nomi] Man! I wish people kept calendars in their toilets! > SECRETARY: Place of birth. > > NOMI: New York. > > SECRETARY: New York, New York? ALL: [singing] NEW YOOOOOOOOOOORK! > NOMI: Yeah. MIKE [Nomi]: No, New York, Ontario. What do you think?!? > SECRETARY: Nearest family members. > > NOMI: Ummm... I don't have any family. > > SECRETARY: Deceased? > > NOMI: Yes. CROW: Hey! Nomi looks pretty good for being deceased. MIKE: [Nomi] See, I killed them all because they kept asking too many questions. Get my drift? TOM: [secretary] OK... OK... > SECRETARY: Have you ever been arrested? Charged with a criminal offense? > > NOMI: No. TOM [Nomi]: Unless you count the time I made all those people drink that purple Kool-Aid stuff. MIKE: Suuuuure...uh-huh... CROW: [whispering] Disturbing the peace. > SECRETARY: Social Security number. TOM: 999-99-9999 CROW: 666-66-6666. MIKE: 42. > NOMI: Uh... hmmm... I don't know. But let me check on that, okay? > > [Scene: Outside elevator. Phil is there, with Zack.] > > PHIL: Hey! You got it! Nice goin', that's great. TOM: [Phil] Richard Simmons' autograph is sooooo cool! > NOMI: Thank you. > > PHIL: Zack, this is Nomi Malone. > > ZACK: Yeah, sure, I remember her. Hi. CROW: [Zack] You were the one that made me cream my shorts that night! > PHIL: Yeah, I bet you remember her. > > ZACK: Yeah, well, she's pretty memorable. TOM: [Zack] My pants are still at the dry cleaners! MIKE: Gods above! Who wrote this dialogue! > PHIL: > > ZACK: Listen, I'm glad you're part of the team. Nice dress. > > PHIL: Nice dress. TOM: [Phil] It will have to come off! > NOMI: Thanks. It's a Ver-says. > > ZACK: Versace. > > NOMI: What? > > ZACK: Versace. It's pronounced Versa-che. MIKE: Heh, knew it. what a 'rube. > NOMI: Oh. CROW: [Nomi] So those people were mocking me. I'll have to kill them later. > ZACK: You got a great taste. You look beautiful. > > NOMI: Thank you. > > [Nomi enters an elevator.] MIKE: ... and later, Zack enters Nomi. CROW: Zing! > [Scene: Stardust stage. Some dancers are there.] > > GAY: [giving instructions to several dancers.] > > MARTY: Girls! This is Nomi. TOM: [falsetto] Hey, like I saw you on a wanted poster in Nebraska! > NOMI: Hey. ALL: Is for horses! > MARTY: Nicky, Julie, Denny, CROW: [Marty] Annette, Cubby, Bobby, Laurie... > and you know Gay. > > GAY: How are you doin? > > MARTY: They'll run you through it once. You just watch, and then we'll > butt you in. CROW [Beavis]: Heh, heh. He sait "butt." MIKE: Ironic that Marty would say bu... oh, never mind. > GAY: Okay, you need anything? > > NOMI: No. TOM: [Gay] How about a personality? > GAY: Jack! You want anything? > > NOMI: Ummm... burger, fries, and soda. > > GAY: Get her some brown rice, vegetables, and a bottle of Evian. MIKE [Nomi]: I asked for a burger, fries, and soda, you dumbass! TOM: Gay's a little hard of hearing. CROW: That, or just evil. MIKE: [Gay] Anyone got to go to the bathroom for "dieting"? Last chance before we start! > JACK: You got it. > > GAY: Okay guys, line it up. CROW: What's the *it* that they have to line up? MIKE: Their racks, I guess. > GAY: No, Nomi, come and take a look at this first. [leads Nomi aside] > Here we go! Five, six, seven eight! [shouts for a bit as she coaches the > dancers] Stay there. Okay, you're gonna try that, ya ready? CROW: [Gay] I call this little maneuver "Sex Cow". MIKE: Where the hell did that one come from? CROW: I don't know... I just wanted to say "Sex Cow." TOM: [Nomi] No! > NOMI: Yeah. > > GAY: Try it! > > NOMI: Yeah. MIKE: [Nomi] Help! I'm stuck in a rut! > [Nomi joins the others] > > GAY: Let's go! Five... six... seven... hit it!!! CROW: Yeah! The characters got rushed! MIKE: Crow, this isn't Starcraft. CROW: Unfortunately, Nomi takes this literally, and smacks Gay over the head with a sock full of of quarters, sparing us a moment of sanity. > [shouts for a few > seconds, Marty rushes on stage.] > > MARTY: Hold it! Nomi, what kind of turn was that? TOM: [Nomi] A U turn. Why? > Do a pique turn! Come > on. [Nomi does the specified turn] That's it! Okay, music!!! [follows > Nomi.] Higher. Not that high. MIKE: [Marty] Lower. Not that low. Higher! I mean lower! AGHGHGHGHG!!! > [to everyone] Stay in sync! One! Two! > Three! Four! [shouts for a few seconds at Nomi] THRUST IT! THRUST IT! > Come on! Thrust it! [Nomi thrusts] CROW: [Marty] Make me... uhhh... Cristal cream her shorts! Go to Part 6.