Showgirls- Part 6 Tom: Come on, Rock! You gotta take this movie! If we beat this, we can look at any other opponent and LAUGH IN HIS FACE!!! Mike: Uh, I dunno, coach, this movie is one nasty doozie. It's, like, all the bad stuff taken from every movie we've seen so far and crammed into a single flick! Tom: Okay, Rock, now you take a moment here...take a swig of the water. Mike: Tom: Ya ready to go, Rock? Mike: But Coach, this movie is making me hate everyone and everything! It's so unlikable! You think I can do it, coach? Tom: Of course! Now get in there! Mike: Right! Mike: MOVIE SIGN! > Drop. TOM: Dead. > That's enough, thank you > ladies. ALL: [singing] But it's the pelvic thrust... > NOMI: > > GAY: Good job. CROW: [Gay] You only stepped on three toes today! > NOMI: Thanks. > > MARTY: Gay, work with her on her turns, I'm worried about her balance. MIKE: Just rotate her tires, and everything will be fine! > GAY: Right. > > NOMI: How long do you think it'll be before I can do the show? MIKE: With your talent, you'll be 45 and we'll have to fire you. TOM: [Marty] Roughly the same amount of time required for the sun to become a cold, dark chunk of coal. > MARTY: You're starting tonight. ALL: D'OH! TOM: We all know she has the grace of a drunk Stern fan. > NOMI: Tonight? > > GAY: You'll be fine. CROW: Insert ominous chord... > TONY: How did she do? > > [In the background, Gay can be heard giving Nomi dancing advice.] MIKE: [Gay] Now remember... you can't carry concealed weapons while you dance. We have laws in society that forbid that. CROW: [Nomi] But I need it... that knife is a part of me! > MARTY: She's no butterfly. Tony, she's TOM: [Marty] A rabid skunk. > all pelvic thrust, I mean she > prowls. She's got it! CROW: No talent, all show. That's how Las Vegas works, friends. > TONY: I wonder *how* she got it. > > MARTY: She certainly didn't learn it. > > TONY: She learned it alright but they don't teach it in any class. MIKE: [Tony] It's taught by correspondence school. CROW: [Sally Struthers] Do you want to know how to gyrate on the floor? Sure, we all do! > [Scene: Dressing room of Stardust.] TOM: And just what in the HELL was the point of that last scene? MIKE: Tom, don't think about it, you know how you get. TOM: No, Mike! This whole movie has been nothing but scene after scene of NOTHING! Where's the plot? Where's the characterization? Even "Cave Dwellers" made more sense than this! CROW: Tire tracks, Servo. TOM: Uh... Just forget I said anything. > GAY: You need more orange. Let me do it. Let me do it. CROW: [Gay] We need that orange afro! TOM: [Gay] Please? Please? Let me do it? > MOLLY: How do you feel? CROW: Hey! How did Deanna Troi get into this? > NOMI: Oh don't ask. Don't ask! MIKE: [Molly] You screwed up, didn't you? > ANNIE: Hey! Who the hell took my make-up? > > JACK: Monkey alert! Monkey alert! CROW: [simulates klaxon] ALL: WE'VE GOT MONKEY SIGN!! > [General panic as chimpanzees in tutus run about and everyone shouts.] > > GAY: [o.s.] I told you if this happens again... TOM: [Gay] I would tape earphones to your head and hardwire them to a radio station that plays nothing but Michael Bolton and Hanson! > MONKEY TRAINER: I can't help it. They make babies! > > GAY: Babies? CROW [Trainer, stupid German accent]: Yah. Ze monkeys do ze nasty and zey have leetle monkeys. > [More shouting as the monkeys create chaos. The chimps undertake > Chim-Chim (Speed Racer) -type comic relief, such as makeup on faces, > etc.] TOM: Does anyone know anything more revolting? CROW: Right now, I'd rather watch Speed Racer. The *new* adventures. MIKE: Desperate, Crow? > NOMI: Hey! I got one! [picks up a chimp.] MIKE: [Nomi] Can I keep him? > MONKEY TRAINER: Thank you. > > JACK: Arrest them and... MIKE: The monkeys? TOM: Well, the Monkees should have been arrested. CROW: [Jack] Have them locked up for disturbing the peace! > ANNIE: Julie you fucking slut! You touch my make-up again, I swear I'll > kill you. [dashes makeup against table] TOM: The dangers of messing with the other girl's makeup... > JULIE: Oh I'm the slut! You fucked that kid from the pizza place. > > ANNIE: Well you fucked the meter reader. > > JULIE: You bitch! MIKE: [Annie] Spice Girl wannabe! CROW: [Julie] Skank! TOM: Looks like the average intelligence of the Showgirls has plummeted quite a bit. > ANNIE: You're fucking dead! > > [Major catfight ensues.] CROW: Hey, a fight scene. [ALL make cat screeching noises] > JACK: Hey, come on you two! > > GAY: Jesus Christ! MIKE [Jesus]: Yes, my son? TOM: [answering machine] You have reached the office of Jesus Christ. Your call is very important to us, but all of our lines are busy... Please wait for the next available operator. MIKE: [imitates elevator music] > [Everyone curses and shouts for a few seconds.] > > GAY: Julie, calm down! Stop it! Stop it! Settle down! Showtime. TOM [starts humming Beetlejuice theme] CROW: [Gay] We have a show to do... looks like you broke your leg! Oh, well... get on out there! > [Scene: Backstage at stairs.] > > GAY: Come on you guys, we got four counts of eight! TOM: 32, then? MIKE: [British accent] Three, sir! > Wait Nomi, your wig. > Okay you're alright. Lets move up you guys! MIKE: Nomi's... Wig... What is this crap?! CROW: [singing] Movin' on up... > JACK: There's shit on the stage. > GUY # 1: They always gotta shit.. It's that darn garlic. CROW: Any ideas as to why they feed the monkeys GARLIC? > GAY: Where is it, Jack? > > JACK: Up left. > > GAY: You guys, up stage left: monkey shit. TOM: Is this supposed to be some symbolic thing? MIKE: Yeah, it represents the script. > WOMAN: Want some blow? CROW: [Nomi] Al? > MARTY: Last chance for ice. > > [Cristal is lurking around, Nomi sees her and feels threatened.] TOM: No more Marlin Perkins, guys. > NOMI: [as she passes Molly on the way up] I love you. TOM: Yes, even more lesbian references. MIKE: Whatever it takes to get the guys drooling. > [Scene: On stage. This is the same production of "Goddess" that Nomi > first witnessed. Another dancer gives Nomi directions before she enters > the stage. There are more loud explosions and music.] CROW: And the SFX causes an accident, killing them all. The end. TOM: I could imagine Nomi going out like Vic Morrow. MIKE: You guys are scaring me. > [Nomi has a miscue on stage, and loses a step.] > > MOLLY: Shit. TOM: Yes, this movie is definitely shit. CROW: [Nomi] Tons of it. Right where Nomi is stepping. > [Nomi regains composure.] Yeah. > > ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen! The Stardust proudly presents... Miss > Cristal Connors! TOM: [singing] You're gonna be a star! > [Cristal once again emerges from the volcano, and the dance routine is > played out. The girls become topless (again). Molly is still watching.] CROW: Again? Awww, man... MIKE & TOM [look at Crow and facefault] > [Scene: Dressing room. Nomi comes to her stall and finds a bouquet of > roses on it.] MIKE: Were they the kind laced with explosives? > GAY: Hey Nomi, you got two minutes. You got to change into a red wig and > I'll get you your costume. [Nomi looks at the attached card, the roses > are from Zack.] Nomi? Nomi. Put this on. [Gay gives Nomi a wig] CROW: Either that guy's real stupid or a real jerk. Flirting with one woman and going out with another. > NOMI: Did I do okay? > > GAY: Yeah, you did fine. TOM: [Gay] For a moron! > MARTY: All right lady, extension needs work. It's eight steps on the > sweep, not six. I'll have someone work with you tomorrow, be here at > noon. > > NOMI: Okay. > > GAY: Put this on. You're done. > > MOLLY: YAAAAAAAYYYY!!! TOM [Director]:With the scene, not the movie, dumbass! CROW: [Nomi] ARRRGGGHHH!! MIKE: [Gay] No, I mean that you're fired. > NOMI: TOM [Marge Simpson]: Think before you say each word! MIKE: Nomi is getting 'jiggy'. > [Scene: Outside Stardust] CROW: Where the Outer Senshi ready to blow this movie clear back to Hell! MIKE and TOM: YAY!!! [realize what Crow just said] FANBOY! > NOMI: I didn't fall! > > MOLLY: You did, you nearly fell! TOM: [George Carlin] It's not a near miss! IT'S A NEAR HIT! MIKE: I hate this dialogue!! It's numbing my mind! CROW: Well, it's kinda hard to write longer dialogue when you are only using one hand... > [James comes onscreen.] > > JAMES: Hey yo! Can I talk to you for a minute? Come on, please? [to > Molly] Alone? MIKE: [James] When I mean alone, I mean in public at a busy hotel. > MOLLY: Hi. I'll go get the car. > > NOMI: I'll be right there. And? > > JAMES: Who sent you the flowers? > > NOMI: None of your business. MIKE: [Nomi] Smeghead! CROW: James: Persistent stalker, all around loser and womanizer. TOM: And a good friend. > JAMES: Okay. Okay look, I just wanted to say... > > NOMI: You and me ain't got no ties. TOM [Nomi]: You and me ain't even got any shirts nice enough to wear a tie with. > [Nomi begins to walk away, with James following.] > > JAMES: I have a problem with pussy. MIKE: [James] They keep shedding all over the house and tearing up the couch. > I've always had, and I'm always > gonna. But I meant what I said to you. TOM: Yeah, like THAT'S going to win a girl over. > NOMI: Look, I'm not interested in your problems, okay? CROW: [Nomi] Especially *that* problem! > JAMES: I *did* write it for you. Yeah. But I did tell her I was gonna > teach her and I did fuck her. > > NOMI: Who you fuck is your business, and I'm not making it mine. TOM: Yeah... he is... somehow... for whatever reason. > JAMES: You know, it's not like I'm seeing any money for writing that > number. I may as well touch a little pussy. MIKE: [Nomi] Dammit, stay away from my cats! TOM: James must be Oscar's apprentice. > You ain't > got nothin to say. MIKE: *I* wouldn't say anything to you regardless of my gender! Geez! CROW: How very nice of him to acknowledge that she DID have something to say! MIKE: Crow, it's pointless to complain about Mr. Smith's use of double negatives. Just relax. > [James goes offscreen, Zack drives up in a red Ferrari.] > > NOMI: No. [to Zack] Thanks for the flowers. TOM: [James, offscreen] WHAT WAS THAT?! > ZACK: Tony said you did great. > > NOMI: I never got flowers before. MIKE: [Nomi] I never even knew what they looked like. > ZACK: Well I'm sure you'll get lots of them. > > [Zack drives off, James comes back onscreen.] TOM: He just doesn't get it. MIKE: [Nomi] James, would you like me to introduce you to my little friend named Mr. Mace? > JAMES: Wha, he gave em to you? > > NOMI: Yeah, he did. > > JAMES: What is he? Pimp? CROW: This from an *ex* bellboy. TOM: [James] It's OK for *me* to be a loser! > The only ones that got pimp cars are pimps! TOM: Hence the title 'Pimp Cars'. MIKE: [James] And the only ones that follow women around and paw them are stalkers! CROW: [James] Myself, I drive a '68 Buick. > NOMI: He's the Entertainment Director. > > JAMES: That's exactly what I said: he's a pimp. CROW: "Entertainment director." Please note the quotes. TOM: And James once again demonstrates his superior insight into Vegas. > [Molly drives up.] > > MOLLY: Hey Noms, let's go! TOM: Nom? The sandgorgon from the Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever? [A huge faceless beast charges into the theater] ALL: AHHH!!!! [The faceless beast tears TOM to pieces before running out of the theater.] MIKE: Oh, great. Crow, you hold the fort awhile, okay? [walks off with what remains of TOM] CROW: Uh...okay, Mike. † > NOMI: Good luck with your number James. [somewhat sarcastically] I'm > sure you'll teach her to be a great dancer. > > [James looks on sadly, as Nomi drives away.] CROW [James]: There goes the best pussy I could have ever hope to have. > [Scene: Dance stage of Stardust. Nomi walks out onto the stage.] > > NOMI: Hello? Anybody here? > > CRISTAL: Back here. CROW: Oh, not you again. > [Nomi follows the sound of the voice, until she sees Cristal, who is > inhaling some cocaine powder.] CROW: The part of Cristal Connors will now be played by Michael Irvin. > NOMI: What are you doing here? > > CRISTAL: What am I doing here? [snorts more cocaine] Doing some of the > finest cocaine in the world, darlin. You want some? CROW [Nomi]: No thanks, I got plenty of my own. > NOMI: CROW: Is her mouth full of chips? [MIKE returns to the theater with a newly-repaired TOM] MIKE: Okay, now, no more invoking the Greater or Lesser powers, okay guys? BOTS: We promise, Mike. † > CRISTAL: It's great for the muscles. CROW: Who'd have thunk? All Las Vegas showgirls are crackheads! TOM: No wonder she's so thin. MIKE: Guys, they aren't *really* like this! > I told Marty I'd work on > your turns with you darlin. But I'm feelin a little turned inside out > myself today. > > NOMI: Cut the shit. TOM: [Cristal] Got a knife? CROW: Ick. > [Cristal approaches Nomi.] > > CRISTAL: Okay. We got off on the wrong foot. You wanna start > dancin all over again? > > NOMI: Why? MIKE: [Cristal] Because I have to touch you. Pay attention. > CRISTAL: Why not? You wanna walk down to the Sparta and get > something to eat? > > NOMI: Where is it? > > CRISTAL: Just down from Ver-says. TOM: And what does Ver say? > NOMI: Versace. > > CRISTAL: Oh... right... Versace. > > NOMI: [sarcastically] Yeah. CROW: [Nomi] Et tu, Cristal... your attempt to condescend to me has suddenly shifted to my favor! ALL: Huz-zah! > [Scene: inside restaurant. People laughing and talking and the clink of > glasses and dishes can be heard.] > > WAITER: Enjoy. MIKE: ...the snobby waiters and the overpriced food. > [Nomi and Cristal read menus.] TOM: Shouldn't the waiter take the menus after giving the food out and announcing "Enjoy"? > NOMI: I don't know what all this stuff is. MIKE: [Cristal] Those are words, but that's not important right now. > CRISTAL: I'll order for ya. CROW: I wouldn't trust her to pick out a toothbrush for me, let alone a meal! > NOMI: Don't they have brown rice and vegetables? > > CRISTAL: Do you like brown rice and vegetables? TOM [Nomi]: No, but Gay threatened to use the clamps on me if I didn't start eating that stuff. > NOMI: Yeah. CROW: [British accent] Ramen noodles and spam? > CRISTAL: You do... > > [throws down the menu] > > NOMI: Sort of. TOM: ARRRRGHHH!! Shut UP!! SHUT UP!!! > CRISTAL: Really... > NOMI: It's worse than dog food. > > CRISTAL: > > NOMI: It is. > > CRISTAL: I've had dog food. TOM: Makes sense. > NOMI: You have? MIKE: [Nomi] So *that's* why you peed all over my shoes and tipped over the garbage cans! > CRISTAL: Um hum. A long time ago. Doggie chow. I used > to love Doggie chow. CROW [Cristal]: Now, of course, I only eat kibble. MIKE: I knew two girls who used to eat the stuff... I guess it's not all that abnormal. > NOMI: I used to love Doggie Chow too! CROW: [Nomi] And Fancy Feast... that was exquisite! TOM: I'm not going to say it... it's too easy. > [The two share a piece of an appetizer.] MIKE: Was it *jerky*, by any chance? > [Scene: Later on in the restaurant] TOM: Thank goodness for that scene change... I was about to toss my RAM chips. > NOMI: You get a headache from the Champagne. MIKE: Well, I get a headache from watching this movie. > CRISTAL: This isn't champagne. This...is CROW: [Cristal] Toilet water!! YUCK! MIKE: Ah, yes... the beautiful vineyards of Newark, New Jersey. TOM: [Nomi] Let's have a "triple"... Tequila and ripple! > holy water! something then...> for this is holy water. Cristal O. Connors used to > have ginger brown hair and little bitty tits. TOM: [Nomi] You still do. CROW: [Cristal] Oh. > It's amazing what paint > and a surgeon can do. MIKE: Look what it did for Demi Moore! > [she gazes at Nomi's "rack".] You have great tits. > They're really beautiful. CROW: [Cristal] Allow me to reinforce the fact that I am a bisexual. TOM: NO! Really? > NOMI: Thank you. > > CRISTAL: I like nice tits. I always have, how about you? TOM: [Nomi] Yeah, especially with Worcestershire sauce! MIKE: OK, no cannibalism riffs, guys. > NOMI: I like having nice tits. MIKE: Yup. This is Academy Award material. Two girls talking about tits. CROW: And the predictable lesbian encounter ensues. > CRISTAL: How do you like having them? TOM [Nomi]: I mean, I like playing with them. > NOMI: What do you mean? CROW: [Nomi] Please state that in the form of an intelligent question. > CRISTAL: You know what I mean. > > NOMI: I like having them in a nice dress, or a tank top. TOM: Would you like to have them in a house? MIKE: Would you like to have them with a mouse? > CRISTAL: Hmm... you like to show em off. > > NOMI: I didn't like showing them off at the Cheetah. > > CRISTAL: Why not? I liked looking at them there. Everybody liked looking > at them there. TOM: [Nomi] Well, I know *you* did. > NOMI: It made me feel like a hooker. MIKE: [Nomi] Except I didn't have to worry about being arrested. > CRISTAL: You are a whore darlin. CROW: Hey! That's MY riff! > NOMI: No I'm not! MIKE: [Nomi] I only feel like one! CROW: [Nomi] And I do some jobs for free! > CRISTAL: We all are. We take the cash, we cash the check, we show them > what they want to see. > > NOMI: Maybe you are a whore Cristal, but I'm not. TOM: [Nomi] I'm an unscrupulous stripper! > CRISTAL: You and me... we're exactly alike. MIKE [Cristal/Delita]: You and I are the same, miserable people forced to live false lives... TOM: Just like all the other stereotypes in this movie. > NOMI: Uh-uh. I'll never be like you. MIKE: [Nomi] You have a personality! > [Cristal grins menacingly, and then a group of guys wearing cowboy hats, > obviously from Texas or parts near, approach the table.] ALL: AHHH!!! MORE GUYS FROM TEXAS!!! > FRANK: Ms Connors? Sorry to bother ya but could you uh... sign this for > me? CROW: Sherry's birthday card! TOM: Well, don't you mean Sally Sue? CROW: Oh yeah. > [Frank hands her an autograph book.] > > CRISTAL: Not a problem. What's your name? > > FRANK: Uh... Frank! I'm from Galveston. > > CRISTAL: This little farm girl from Rio herself, Frank. TOM: [Cristal] I was birthed right in the river, and almost got trampled by an illegal immigrant. > [kisses the book] > > FRANK: I told ya she was from Texas. Wooeee! Look at that! MIKE: He's channeled the spirit of Jim Stafford! > COWBOY: Could I have me one, just like that? TOM: [Cristal] How bout a different set of lips, partner? > CRISTAL: What? You want a girl to use up all her lipstick on you? [to > Nomi] You wanna dance? MIKE: Read: Boink. > NOMI: Right now? CROW [Cristal]: Naw, tomorrow. Of course, now! > CRISTAL: Now or never. That's what Elvis said. CROW: Yeah. He also said "Where did I put those poppers?"! TOM: I believe that's what Hillary Clinton said too. > [Scene: Dance stage of Stardust. Nomi and Cristal are the only ones > there.] > > CRISTAL: You know the best and the highest I've ever got? TOM: [Cristal] I had this great party with Jerry Garcia once... it was my harshest buzz. > You're up > there on stage, whooping on the spot, someone gets in your way, you step > on them. If you're the only one left standing there, they hire you. > That's about it, thank you and good night ladies and gentlemen. Elvis > has left the building. MIKE: [Nomi] I heard he died, too. CROW: [Cristal] Oh, what a shame. > [Loud music starts up. Nomi begins to dance with Cristal, and the to > take off their tops, so that Nomi is topless, and Cristal is in a bra. > Cristal touches Nomi sensually, until...] > > CRISTAL: You see darlin? You are a whore. TOM: D'oh! > [Nomi shoves Cristal] MIKE: [Nomi] Parse that, you Ellen wannabe! > NOMI: Bitch! TOM: Kind of a long way to go to prove your point. > CRISTAL: I guess we're done. CROW: So how does this make Nomi a whore? No money was exchanged. If anything, this makes her AC~DC. TOM: Sex = money to Joe Eszterhas, I guess. > [Scene: Dressing room of Stardust. People are shouting. And more... you > guessed it... naked women.] MIKE: No, I expected ice queens reciting Shakespeare in full tuxedos! CROW: And here I thought no movie could ever measure up to the standards set by the infamous "Porky's II". TOM: Even the guys doing the transcript are tanking it. > PHIL: Nicky? Can I talk to you for a second? > > NICKY: Sure. > > PHIL: Listen... CROW: [Phil] I'm sorry, but your agent says you can't quit the film! TOM: [Nicky] AAAGH!! NO!! [imitates sound of seppuku.] > [Julie's two children are there at her stall. (?!) MIKE: [young boy] Mommy! Why is that woman putting ice on her boobs? CROW: Julie is a model parent, isn't she? > The troublemaking chimps > are carted through in a wheeled cage.] MIKE: Please, no more chimp humor... > GIRL: Mommy, can we see the monkeys? CROW: I'm not even going to touch that one. > JULIE: Not now honey, they're busy. TOM: ...making messes. > [Kids start asking to see the monkeys.] > > JULIE: Not now, I have to work honey. CROW: She uses the word "work" loosely. TOM: [Julie] It's hard to be the creepy, unscrupulous power-luster! > GIRL: What are they doing? > > JULIE: They're getting ready for the show. > > BOY: I wanna see the monkeys. I wanna see the monkeys! > > JULIE: Not now. TOM: [Julie] You can "see" the monkeys when you get home later! > GIRL: [very whiny] Why can't we see the monkeys? Why can't we... > > ANNIE: [livid] Would you get these fucking kids out of here? TOM: I'm sorry, but that JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN! CROW: Aren't they a little young for that? Shame on you, Julie! MIKE: More model parenting. > GIRL: [taunting] You said the F word. She said the F word. > > ANNIE: [livid] Shut the fuck up! > > [Girl starts crying and Julie comforts her.] > > JULIE: [looking snidely at Annie] Come on, let's get out of here. ALL: Dah dah DAAAAAAAH!! TOM: [Director] Oh, boy... um, Annie.. costume change. We'd like you to put on this red shirt. > [Phil comes onscreen.] TOM: Phil Donahue really hit a low point, didn't he? MIKE: [laughs] > PHIL: Nomi! Listen, there's a book convention coming into town next week > and I need a couple of girls. Nicky's gonna do it, you interested? It > pays a thousand dollars. > > NOMI: A thousand dollars? > > PHIL: Yeah. TOM: That's what he said, stupid! A thousand dollars! CROW: And the award for most subtle padding goes to...SHOWGIRLS! > NOMI: To do what? TOM: [Phil] What else? Show tits and ass! Boy you're slow! > PHIL: Just represent your hotel for a day. You wear your costumes and > your smiles and they take a picture. > > NOMI: A thousand dollars. CROW: [Nomi] Duh, nothing can go wrong! > PHIL: Um-humm. > > NOMI: Yeah. MIKE: I see what you mean, Crow. > PHIL: Great, > > NOMI: Thanks. TOM: Such depth! Such characterization! I feel like I'm *there*! MIKE: Joe Eszterhas... proud master of the one-word line. > PHIL: Cristal here recommended you. > > [Cristal grins menacingly.] TOM [to the tune of "I'm a little teapot"]: I'm a little bi-itch... > NOMI: Thanks. > CRISTAL: My pleasure darlin. Just lookin out for you. CROW & TOM: Ssssssss... > PHIL: Oh Cristal we gotta talk about that magazine article... TOM: [Phil] It's called "You're a whore, face it." > CRISTAL: Later, later, later... CROW: Bite me, Bite me, Bite me... > PHIL: All right, later. TOM: Later again, then. > [Phil goes offscreen, Molly comes over to Nomi.] > > MOLLY: Don't do it. MIKE: DON'T DO IT MAN!!! > NOMI: What? It's a thousand dollars. Why not? MIKE: [Molly] Because these guys are corrupt, maybe? > CRISTAL: Molly, I need you. CROW: In more ways than one! TOM: [Cristal] And bring me my "toys"!! > MOLLY: Yes, I'm coming. I know some girls who've done it before and... > > CRISTAL: Molly, I'm waiting! > > MOLLY: They didn't like it. TOM: [Molly] It was boring as hell! > [Nomi goes over to another dancer's stall.] > > NOMI: Did you do it before? > > DANCER: Yeah. > > NOMI: Did you like it? > > DANCER: Did I like it? Sure I liked it. TOM: I sense cover-up! MIKE: I can see it coming a mile away... she's going to get propositioned and won't like it. BOTS: Yes!! You broke the code! > [Scene: Boat show. Loud music.] MIKE: [singing] We're all stars now, in the boat show... > [Music stops and people cheer and clap. Nomi and Nicky climb down from > the boats.] TOM: [hums the "Love Boat" theme] > ANNOUNCER: Let's hear it for these two beautiful girls from Goddess, the > new smash at the Stardust. CROW: Yeah, I'd like to smash the writer. > [People are thanking the two girls for signing pictures.] > > PHIL: Hey! Hey guys! > > [Phil gets onscreen.] > > NICKY: Shit, here it comes. CROW: [Nicky] Tons of it. Heading right for us!! > PHIL: How's it goin? > > NICKY: Fine. > > PHIL: Tough gig, huh? > > NOMI: Very tough. MIKE: Such edge-of-your-seat, non-stop action dialogue. I'm in tears. TOM: [Nomi] Those boats are so *hard* to stand on top of!! > PHIL: This is my good friend, Mr. Okeda. He's from Bangkok. > He's one of our very, very, high rollers. CROW: [Phil] Why, just last night he got so stoned he thought he was Annette O'Toole. > Ladies, we got a great idea. > We want to take you girls to dinner tonight after the show. Have some > lobster. Hear Caesar sing. You ever heard Caesar sing, maaaan, that guy > is great! You'll love him. TOM: La-la, la-la-la-la, sing a happy song. La-la, la-la-la-la, Smurf the whole day long. MIKE: [Phil] He'll be famous! I can see it now... platinum! > OKEDA: Caesar sing. CROW: Movie suck. > PHIL: Yes Caesar will sing, and then we'll go back to my place > and we'll sing. Just the four of us. How bout it? MIKE: Huh? CROW: I don't get it. TOM: Tonight on 60 Minutes; double-entendre that even Crow T. Robot doesn't understand. > [The four toast glasses.] > > OKEDA: We sing. > > PHIL: Yea, we'll sing a lot of songs. Yeah? MIKE: [Phil] I got a new karaoke machine! > NICKI: Okay. > > PHIL: Okay, good deal. > > OKEDA: Okay? Good deal. CROW: Is Okeda a parrot or what?! > NOMI: Not me. TOM: [Nomi] I'm insensitive to mirth! > [Nomi gets huffy and rushes off, brushing by Okeda roughly.] > > PHIL: Excuse me. [catches up to Nomi] Hey! Hey! Be nice. > > NOMI: Get your hands off me! > > PHIL: Listen, you're getting a thousand dollars for this. > > NOMI: Yeah for this. This! [gesticulates wildly and then runs off] MIKE: Go-go dancing? I don't understand... TOM: She means the boat show. MIKE: Oh. > PHIL: Hey forget it, just forget it! No harm done! No damage! Christ. MIKE [Jesus]: Yes my son? What? WHY DO ALL OF YOU GET MY ATTENTION AND THEN HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!?! CROW: [Phil] You're so paranoid! It's just karaoke! > [Scene: Nomi is walking along back hallway and hears Zack and Cristal > talking, and barges into dressing room.] > > NOMI: Zack. > > ZACK: Yeah. TOM: [Zack] I mean Nomi. ARRRGH! Damn this script! > NOMI: I wanna talk to you. > > ZACK: Sure. Lets go upstairs. > > CRISTAL: Did you have a nice day, darlin? > > NOMI: No. > > CRISTAL: I'm sorry to hear that. TOM [Nomi]: No, you're not sorry. You're an evil bitch who revels in other people's misery. MIKE: [Cristal] Looks like I have to work overtime on getting into your head. > [Scene: Dancing stage of Stardust. Nomi has told Zack about the Boat > Show incident.] > > ZACK: Jesus. I'm sorry. Some people just don't get it. [Zack calls > someone on his cellular phone] Yeah, I'm on the stage. Get me Phil Newkirk, > will ya? All right. > > NOMI: Thank you. CROW: [Nomi] Who's got the power *now*? I have these guys bending to my every desire! > [Zack paces nervously.] > > ZACK: I want you to stay. TOM: [Zack] Now beg! Roll over! Good Nomi! MIKE: [Nomi] Arf! Arf! [pant, pant] TOM: We're getting into a whole Lembach situation. > [phone > rings] Yeah! Well the drop is up 32 percent on those 58 machines and it's gonna > make your bottom line about 250. Right. Okay. I got an MBA for this. CROW: Talking incoherently on a cell phone? > That's what this > business has come to. Cost vandalizing of the slot machine. TOM: And pawing women. > NOMI: What's an MBA? > > ZACK: An MBA stands for... CROW: Major Bastards Association? TOM: Minnesota Basketball Alliance? MIKE: Majorly Big Asshole? CROW: No, Mike. > PHIL: [o.s.] Zack, you in here? > > ZACK: Yeah! Excuse me. TOM: [Nomi] Yuck! Get some binaca! > PHIL: Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? > > [Phil comes on stage.] CROW: Fitting... MIKE: CROW! CROW: Well, he *is* a pervert! > ZACK: If I ever hear anything like this again, you're out of here. > > PHIL: Zack, nothing happened! > > ZACK: Yeah! Somethin' happened. ALL: [singing] Something tells me I'm into something bad... oh yeah... > PHIL: She's jumpin' to conclusions Zack... MIKE: Can we jump to the movie's conclusion? TOM: Can it be from the roof of a 20-story building, so we can get out of here? CROW: Ouch! > ZACK: If it ever happens again, to anybody, you're gonna jump to your > conclusion. Without your golden parachute. You owe her an apology. > > PHIL: Umm... Nomi, I'm sorry. I apologize. > > NOMI: [sassily] Yea fine. Okay. CROW: [Nomi] Hah... look how I brushed him off. I'M THE GODDESS!! I'M THE GODDESS!! BWAH, HAHAHAHAHA!!!! KNEEL BEFORE ME!! MIKE: [puts a hand on Crow's shoulder] Whoa, take it easy, Crow! > ZACK: Get out of here. > > PHIL: Yeah. TOM: [Zack] Wet yourself too... that's it... > JACK: [shouts something] MIKE: [Jack] I Regret nothing!! > ZACK: An MBA is a degree you pick up in college. It's mostly worthless > in the real world. CROW: Like this movie. > NOMI: You go for it, don't you? > > ZACK: Yeah, I try to. MIKE: And what is the *it* that he tries to go for? TOM: I don't know. > NOMI: Showtime. CROW: Skin- er... I mean Cinemax. > [Nomi leaves for dressing room, Zack calls Phil back.] > ZACK: That's for sure. Phil, ya dumb fuck, get back up here will > ya? I know, I know. MIKE: Ah, there it was. TOM: You know what? I get the feeling that all of Las Vegas is corrupt. MIKE: You know, that is pretty subtle how it is included, but yes, that concept is starting to come through. Yes, Las Vegas is corrupt. > [Scene: backstage] > > NOMI: [sarcastically] I wanna thank you for looking out for me. It was > so nice of you to recommend me to Phil. > > CRISTAL: What are friends for? CROW: Backstabbing? MIKE: Commenting on your furniture? TOM: Providing a place to crash when your rent check bounces? MIKE: With friends like Cristal, who needs enemies? > NOMI: Right. [Nomi walks over to Molly.] Molly, you were right about the > convention. MIKE: [Nomi] It was lame as hell! That's the last time I go to see a string convention! > [A dancer pinches Annie's butt.] > > GUY: O, sweet baby. > > ANNIE: [angrily] You do that again and I will break your fucking > fingers. TOM: Wow! How does he get his fingers to do that? MIKE: [Annie] One, two, three, four, five, six fingers of scotch! > GUY: [tauntingly] Hey I can't help it if you don't have a gay partner. > > ANNIE: Fuck you. CROW [guy]: Sure. Where and when? > GUY # 2: Oh Herteran wants everybody to see how hetero he is. MIKE: Herteran? TOM: Humbert? > GUY # 3: Molly, could you bring that flashlight over here? I want to see > how big it is. ALL: Ewww... > GUY: Fuck you. You want a knuckle sandwich? > > GUY # 3: Oh can I have mine anal please? ALL: EWWWWWW!! > [A mini-scuffle breaks out between the guys.] MIKE: Yay! Another fight scene! CROW: Dogfight! > NOMI: Come on you guys, stop, Jesus. MIKE: [Jesus] Hey!! That's not my fault! Quit using my name in vain or I will have God smite you! > GAY: Okay, is everybody here? Okay, let's go. Let's line it up. > ANNIE: What are you looking at, bitch? TOM: [Molly] Oh, last minute costume change... Annie, we'll need you to put on this red shirt... > GAY: Okay you guys let's move. Lets go, go, go, go... CROW: The part of Gay Carpenter will now be played by Porky Pig. > [Everyone runs up the dreaded staircase.] > > [Scene: Stardust stage. Lots of loud music. This is the same production > of Goddess, as outlined before. We see Julie carefully toss some shiny, > smooth jewels where Annie and her partner will step, to cause an > "accident." TOM: Forget Nomi. Julie is a better Mafia girl. MIKE: Corleone Spice: Unplugged. > Nomi witnesses this.] > > NOMI: Oh my god. TOM: And watch her do nothing about it. MIKE: [God] Young lady, if you don't need assistance, quit calling! CROW: Unfortunately, Nomi's vocal cords were unable to help her *warn* the dancers... > [Annie's partner steps and slips on the jewels, sending Annie flying. As > he falls on his backside, Annie goes down *hard*. The show still goes on, > while Annie is groaning and crying in pain.] TOM: Kinda ironic, eh... in a way that I haven't figured out yet. > [Scene: Stardust stage, after show. Annie is still lying on the ground, > in pain. She is surrounded by a number of people, including Gay.] MIKE: It's nice to see that they left her there. > ANNIE: I broke my leg, or something. > > GAY: Okay, let me feel something. CROW: Heh, heh. TOM: Saaaaay... > [Gay feels Annie's leg, until she reaches the knee, which is broken.] CROW: Oh. > ANNIE: ARGH! MIKE: [Annie] This movie hurts!! > GAY: It's her knee. TOM: Yes, you are touching her knee, but that's not important right now. > ANNIE: It isn't broken, is it? > > GAY: Daryl, what happened? > > [Daryl was Annie's partner] CROW: Keyword: WAS. > DARYL: My foot went out from under me. > > JACK: Hey Gay, *this* is what happened. > > [shows Gay the jewels in question.] > > JULIE: [dubiously] I wonder how those got up there? ALL: Dah Dah DAAAAAAAHH! > GUY: They probably came off a costume. ALL: Yeah, right. MIKE: Does anyone bother to notice the number of accidents in these things? > MARTY: It's okay honey, we're gonna take you to the hospital. > > ANNIE: Shit, no. MIKE: [Annie] My insurance is maxxed out from people trying to whack me all the time! > JULIE: Jesus, poor Annie. Tough break. CROW: Mike, I think she's really Tonya Harding in disguise! TOM: [Julie] This is Julie Corleone with a Public Service announcement! Always whack your rivals whenever you need to move ahead, or if you just don't like them! Thank you! > MEDIC: Let us through here please. TOM [guy from Starship Troopers]: MEDIC!!! > [Annie is taken away] MIKE: [singing] They're coming to take her away, haha... > [Scene: dressing room] > > NOMI: Okay, see ya later. > > [As Nomi is passing by Cristal's dressing room, she hears them arguing > about someone, apparently Annie. Annie WAS Cristal's understudy.] CROW: [Cristal] Someone got to her before *I* did! > JACK: It is broken kids! MIKE: The kids are broken? > [Several dancers swear.] TOM: [falsetto] I swear that if I see Paul Verhoeven or Joe Eszterhas anywhere, I will punch them and staple their testicles to a 2 x 4. [MIKE cringes] > DANCER: Shit, that'll be three months. > > JULIE: At least. Bad karma huh? TOM: If there were such a thing as bad karma, several people would already be DEAD in this movie. CROW: There should be a safety warning with this movie. MIKE: At least Worker's Compensation will do. CROW: Break? MIKE: Sure. Go to Part 7.