Showgirls- Part 8 of 8 Mike: What the?!? What are you guys doing?!? Crow: Mike, who are we kidding? Women are the most evil, treacherous, slimy creatures in existence! Mike: Now stop it you guys! Get a grip! It's only a movie! Tom: Yeah, right! The same way Manos was "only a movie," and Fire Maidens From Outer Space was "only a movie," and Hercules and the Moon Men... Crow: Yeah, you need any proof? Just look at Pearl! The slimiest creature ever to exist! Mike: Look, all women aren't like that! What about Sailor Moon! And Xena! A-Ko, Susan B. Anthony, Akane, Marie Curie...in history as well as fiction! Come on! Crow: No good. Now let me throw away the final likeness... Mike: Stop it! You don't know what you're doing! Crow: Give it up, Mike! Give it up! Crow: Oh, Mike, what have I done? What have I done?!? Tom: Oh! Me too! Thanks for stopping us, Mike! Mike: It's okay, it's okay. Gypsy! Gypsy: Yes Mike? Mike: Could you use the manipulators to retrieve the bits and pieces of Crow and Tom's shrines? It's almost movie sign. Gypsy: Right-o, Mike! Mike: MOVIE SIGN! Tom: Thanks, Mike. Crow: Yeah. We'll even get to put our shrines back together! > MOLLY: [huffy] Wow. Okay. Have fun at your party. > > NOMI: Molly! Come here Molly! You got to come. Andrew's gonna be there. > > MOLLY: [defiantly] I don't care. CROW: You show her, Molly! > NOMI: Molly... it ain't a party without you. > > MOLLY: [angrily] Let go of me... let *go* of me... MIKE: [Molly] Befo' I put a cap in yo' ass. ALL: Molly! Use your taser! > [Scene: Paradisa stairwell. Reporters are asking questions and loud > music is playing. Caesar starts singing terribly.] MIKE: It's Victor Borge!! > MR. CARLMAN: Surprise. [introduces some people.] > > [Scene: Outside by the pool, more chattering. Nomi notices Molly at the > door.] CROW: What? No! TOM: Molly!! Get out of there! Nomi is evil! > NOMI: One minute. > > [Nomi greets Molly at the door.] > > MOLLY: So... What I want to know: Where's Andrew? TOM [Nomi]: In Sailor Moon! You're in the wrong movie, girl! CROW [Molly]: No I'm not! TOM [Nomi]: Stupid! You just threw away a chance to get out of this hellhole movie! > [The two exchange friendly gasps.] > > [People cheer at fireworks. A pyrotechnic display reveals "NOMI MALONE > GODDESS" in large, bright scoreboard-type letters. CROW: What's the score? > Nomi and Molly mingle > with the crowd.] MIKE: Sadly, The budget went over and all they could afford was "NOMADS". > JULIE: I love your outfit. > > NOMI: Thank you. TOM: [Julie] It will look good on me! [imitates gun shot] *BANG*!! Awww...too bad... red's not my color. CROW: Eeesh... > JULIE: [ominously] Nomi, think I could be your understudy? MIKE: Dah.. Dah... DAAAAAAHHHH! TOM: [Julie] I don't want to have to *hurt* you or anything... > NOMI: I'll see what I can do, okay? > > JULIE: Thanks darlin. MIKE: [Eva Gabor] Oliver! > ZACK: Hey, Andrew Carver's here. Come on, I want to introduce ya. Let's > go. > > NOMI: Andrew's here! TOM: The king approaches! > [Zack and Andrew (William Shockley) greet each other. Andrew has long, > brown hair and a moustache. Think rock singer.] MIKE: No. I don't want to. > ZACK: Andrew Carver, Nomi Malone. CROW: That's one long name! > ANDREW: How are you doing? You were sensational tonight. > > NOMI: Thank you. > > ANDREW: You're welcome. > > MR. CARLMAN: Zack... ALL: [singing] THE LEGO MANIAC! TOM: Can we actually have some *sentences* in the dialogue? This is numbing my circuits! > ANDREW: Where ever did you find her? > > ZACK: I'll never tell. TOM: [Zack] How am I supposed to explain a dumpster? > NOMI: I like your songs. CROW: [Nomi] They make great coasters! > ANDREW: Thank you. [slyly] You know, uh, I like your ass. Call me. ALL: ARRRRGGHH!! TOM: Here we go, folks... > NOMI: [a bit shakily] Molly Abrams, Andrew Carver. > > ANDREW: Hi Molly. > > MOLLY: Andrew. I can't even thread a needle anymore. ALL: D'OH!! CROW: You know, there ARE things like vibrators that can help... MIKE: I should slap you, Crow, but I can't help but agree. TOM: NOW CAN I SAY IT??? PLEEEEEEASE!!!! MIKE: Okay, we'll all say it. On the count of three... One, two, THREE! ALL: THIS IS JUST WRONG!!!! > ANDREW: Sorry? CROW: [Andrew] Is this some new euphemism for wanking I haven't heard about? > NOMI: Um... Molly's one of your biggest fans. > > [Nomi puts an arm around Molly.] > > ANDREW: Well then, let me get you a drink. MIKE: Molly... > MOLLY: Okay. > > ANDREW: Come on. [puts his arm tightly around Molly.] > > MOLLY: MIKE: [Molly] I'm having a drink with Carne Wilson!! CROW: You're going to regret that later. TOM: [God] Molly, this is your God speaking... ditch the loser now... > MR. CARLMAN: Enjoy. > > ZACK: You look beautiful tonight. > > NOMI: Thanks. CROW: [Zack] I'm glad you had that facelift done. > [Scene: Ballroom, a beautiful singer is singing a really bad song... > "Walk in the Wind"... almost like a jazz lounge act. MIKE: Oh, no... they've dragged Pocahontas into it, too! TOM: I think that's "Colors of the Wind," Mike. > Andrew begins to > paw Molly, while his two bodyguards look on. The two apparently leave > the ballroom for a bedroom upstairs.] MIKE: [p.a.] Molly Abrams, your lights are on... TOM: [p.a.] Telephone call for Molly Abrams... CROW: [p.a.] Molly Abrams, report to Lost and Found... ALL: JUST DON'T GO UP THERE! > [Scene: Bedroom. Molly and Andrew share a semi-passionate kiss, as his > two bodyguards enter.] > > MOLLY: What's going on? TOM: The low point of the movie. > ANDREW: Just want to party baby. CROW: Oh, come on, Who DIDN'T see this coming? > MOLLY: Let me go!!! [Andrew's men grab her.] You let me go!!! TOM: Looks like Andrew is related to Mike Tyson. ALL: BOOOO! HISS! BOOO! > ANDREW: Shut the fuck up! [slaps Molly. He and his men then begin to > rape her.] ALL: BOOOOOO!!! > [Scene: Ballroom. Zack and Nomi are dancing and kissing.] > > ZACK: I've fallen in love with you. > > [We see a gratuitous scene of Molly being raped, and then return to the > ballroom. People are clapping as song ends] TOM: [random person] Thank goodness... that was horrible! CROW: [sarcastic] Rape scenes and lounge bands go hand in hand, don't they guys? MIKE: I would just like to say that this crap-fest was punctuated by the only likable character getting raped. Thanks, Joe and Paul... see you two in hell. CROW: Wow. > ZACK: Let's get out of here. > > [As Zack and Nomi make to leave, a bruised, bloodied and disheveled > Molly stumbles out of a doorway, and collapses on the floor.] TOM: [Molly] The money's under the ... ugh. MIKE: That was cruel. TOM: This movie hurts, Mike! It's so wrong now! CROW: Okay, time to commit some deep hurting on those guys. > [Scene: Molly's hospital room, Nomi and Zack are in there with a > doctor.] ALL [singing]: Nothing to do, no way to go home... > DOCTOR: We have her sedated. She's in shock. She has a broken nose and > vaginal tears. She'll be here for three or four days. [Nomi looks at > Molly. Phil sticks his head in through the door.] CROW: On a blood-covered pole. MIKE: [Nomi] Don't ever touch me again! CROW: I can't wait to see Joe's face when he opens the door and finds 1200 pissed off feminists with shotguns in hand... TOM: And Samantha Jones leading the whole thing! > PHIL: Zack, Zack... > > [Zack leaves the room to look at the file folder Phil is carrying.] TOM: [Phil] Look at these photos of Monica Lewinsky I found!! > [Scene: Hospital hallway, Zack and Phil are reviewing the files.] > > PHIL: Look at this... and look at this... [sees Nomi > coming.] later... TOM: [Phil] Dude, I got to see 'Jesse' from 'Saved By The Bell' naked! CROW: [Phil] I'd better go before she goes postal... > NOMI: [to Zack] Where are the police? > > ZACK: Not here. > > NOMI: [angrily] Why the fuck aren't they here? MIKE: [Zack] Because Lord Joe the Puppet Master said so. TOM: There's that subtle undertone that Vegas is corrupt again! CROW: You know, Tom... you're right! > ZACK: [snapping] Because they're not coming! [Nomi gets on a payphone to > call the police.] Don't do it... Polly. TOM: [Zack] And no, you can't have a cracker. > NOMI: [hangs up the phone] How did you find out? > > ZACK: You were busted for disturbing the peace at the Crave Club. Police > took your finger prints. > > NOMI: I don't have to listen to this. CROW: If we do, *you* definitely have to, Nomi. > ZACK: [angrily] Yes you do! [grabs Nomi and shoves her through a set of > doors.] MIKE: Now Zack is Jackson Browne! > Polly Ann Costallo. CROW: Any relationship to Abbot and Costello? > Your father killed your mother then killed > himself. You ran away from a foster home in Oakland, December, 1990. > Arrest: Denver, soliciting. TOM: She's perfect for the "Jerry Springer" show! > NOMI: STOP IT!!! [hits Zack] > > ZACK: San Jose, Soliciting. Cheyenne, soliciting. Shall I read you the > rest of them? TOM: Wow, getting caught sleeping on a park bench really smears those police records! > [Zack forcefully grabs Nomi by the neck.] CROW: Good! Now, squeeze... SQUEEZE FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH! SQUEEZE UNTIL HER FACE BECOMES PURPLE! BREAK THE VERTEBRAE IN HER... MIKE: Calm down! It's almost over! > NOMI: AHH!!! > > ZACK: Possession of crack cocaine. Assault with a deadly weapon. > [snidely] Tell me something, why did you stop hooking? You had your > future pretty well mapped out for yourself. > > NOMI: I did what I had to do. TOM: [Nomi] If you have to kill someone to do it, that's life. > ZACK: Just like what you did with Cristal. > > NOMI: [sulking] I'm not a whore. CROW: [Zack] Well, that's not what these reports say. TOM: So what does that have to do with cross-checking someone down the stairs? MIKE: Getting paid for it? > ZACK: No. You're not. You're going to be a big star. Your face is gonna > be up on billboards. CROW: [Zack] For "America's Most Wanted," that is. > NOMI: > > ZACK: You're gonna make a lot of money for the Stardust. > > NOMI: I'm not gonna let him get away with this. TOM: [Nomi] He will die before me! Only *I* am allowed to cause irreparable harm to people! > [long pause] > > ZACK: Andrew's Carver at the Paradisa this year, but he might be at the > Riviera next year or the Stardust the year after that. He's part of a > team. So are you. MIKE: The losing team. All by yourself. > NOMI: What about Molly? > > ZACK: You like her, I'll make sure he gives her enough money, she can > have a dress shop. CROW: [Zack] Or, we'll just have her dunked in a vat of molten steel and forged into an I-beam. MIKE: Ow! > Tell me something, what did you charge? Hooking? > > NOMI: Fifty... hundred sometimes... [CROW makes a big deal of not saying anything right here] MIKE: Good, Crow, here's a RAM chip! [MIKE tosses a RAM chip to CROW, who catches it in his beak] > ZACK: You got low self-esteem baby. You're a fantastic fuck. TOM: [Zack] You're worth at least 15! > [Long > pause, then Nomi lets loose with a *huge* wad of thick spit on his > face.] MIKE: Now she thinks she's Bryan Cox! CROW: This is one huge crossover! > I was payin you a compliment! [Zack wipes the stuff off his > face.] CROW: Nomi's going to deal some hurting. > [Scene: Molly's hospital room] > > [Molly is twisting about, moaning and groaning] TOM: [Molly] Must... reach cyanide pills... must escape this movie! > [Scene: Trailer. Nomi is painting her fingernails. She now looks like a > true stereotypical hooker.] MIKE: Paula Jones? > NOMI: It's showtime. [Nomi then picks up a telephone.] Andrew Carver, > please? > > [Scene: Hotel hall. Nomi comes up to where Andrew's bodyguards are. They > ogle her.] CROW: I really wish I could kill everyone in this film. TOM: I hope it's revenge for all the women out there! MIKE: Come on, you think its going to go as planned?! > GUARD: Hello baby. > > NOMI: Hi. CROW: They probably use "hi" more than any other word in this flick. MIKE: What about "Hey" and "Fuck"? > GUARD: Looking good. > > NOMI: TOM: [Nomi] I'll only have to endure this dialogue for a few minutes... and then.. it's off to get Verhoeven and Eszterhas. > > GUARD #2: He's ready for you. > > NOMI: Thank you. [Nomi enters the room.] > > [Scene: Hotel Suite] > > ANDREW: That didn't take you long. MIKE: [Nomi] Hey, *I'm* supposed to say that, judging from what I've heard! BOTS: Oooh... > NOMI: No. > > ANDREW: I like you better topless. > > [Nomi begins to take off her top.] TOM: Then she takes off Andrew's top... literally. She then kicks the decapitated body in the groin. The end. MIKE: [cringes] > NOMI: Wait till you see me bottomless. CROW: Cripes, I can't believe she said that!! MIKE: Looks like they hired Macaulay Culkin to crunch up the dialogue. > ANDREW: I'm waiting. [Nomi sits on his lap, and opens her shirt. Andrew > playfully bites at her nipples, which have been painted an odd red > color.] CROW: [Andrew] Goo goo! Milk! > Take the rest off. > > NOMI: Sure. [Nomi makes to take off her bottoms, but instead pulls a > knife out of her pants, turning the knife on Andrew.] You make a sound > and I'll fucking kill you! MIKE: [Andrew] Ummm... in that order? TOM: These violent scenes sure do a good job of breaking up all the sex in the movie. > ANDREW: Okay, okay, okay... [Andrew is very scared now.] Oh man, > don't... > > NOMI: [screams as she beats the living snot out of him with unexplained > kung fu skills.] TOM: And the nominees for the most unexplained combat skills, Nomi Malone from Showgirls, and Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! CROW [singing]: Everyone was, Kung-fu fighting! > Fucker! Fuck off! ALL: YAAAAAAAY! MIKE: At least one person is brought to justice. CROW: Now all we need is for Nomi to be sued by Chow-Yun Fat. > [Scene: Hallway, Nomi is leaving.] CROW: Revenge went as planned! Good job, Eszterhas! TOM: Now he has to redeem himself for the 500 other offensive scenes. > NOMI: He says he wants to sleep. > > GUARD: You tired him out, huh? > > NOMI: Yeah. > > [Nomi exits into an elevator.] MIKE: The cables snap and she falls to her death. The end. TOM: Nice try! > [Scene: Molly's hospital room] > > NURSE: She's still out. It's the medication. > > NOMI: Is she okay? > > NURSE: Yeah, she's okay. ALL: YAAAAY! CROW: Nomi, do us a service. Tell Molly not to act in any more Eszterhas pictures. MIKE: He's the Von Doom of Hollywood. > NOMI: Molly... Molly. [Molly moves about a bit and opens her > eyes slightly. She looks like hell.] MIKE: She must have been hanging around Lawrence Phillips. CROW: No, Carver. MIKE: Oh, forgot. > I just went to Carver. And I kicked > the shit out of him. [Molly gasps, possibly from happiness.] I love you. TOM: [sarcastically] Well, that's a surprise... CROW: Okay, if we get one more gratuitous lesbian reference, I'm gonna scream. > [Scene: Nurse's station] > > NOMI: Cristal Connors, please? > > NURSE: Room 319. CROW: [Nurse] Or is that 666? > [Scene: Cristal's room. Nomi enters.] > > CRISTAL: You know the best advice I ever gave you: If you're the only > one left standing up there... > > NOMI: They hire you. MIKE: [Cristal] Ironic if you think about it, yes? > CRISTAL: Thank you, and good night ladies and gentlemen. Cristal has > left the building. ALL: YEAHHH!!! WOHOO!!! WAY TO GO MOVIE!!! TOM: Permanently, if I can help it. > NOMI: I'm sorry, Cristal. [approaches Cristal.] CROW: [Nomi] Sorry I had to rub you out. Comes with the territory, you know. > CRISTAL: Yeah, I noticed how sorry you are. MIKE: [Cristal] Which is why I have arranged for a little accident involving your legs and a tire-iron. *CLANK*! > How do you think I > got my first lead? TOM: [Nomi] Lack of talent? > There's always someone younger and hungrier coming > down the stairs after you. CROW: I think Joe chilled and took his Prozac right about now. > NOMI: Why didn't you tell anyone? MIKE: [Cristal] Because I had to allow you enough time to build your evil empire, but it seems that you have failed. > CRISTAL: Oh hell darlin, I needed a rest. Besides, my lawyers got me a > real nice settlement. CROW: [Cristal] Your heart on a pike. Fellas? Got that arrow ready? > NOMI: I gotta go. > > CRISTAL: Aren't you gonna come here and give me a big kiss? TOM: [Nomi] Why, of course! We have to show the audience that you are, in fact, a bisexual! > [Nomi gives > Cristal a kiss. A *big* kiss, with plenty of tongue and slurping action, > in close-up. MIKE: Eyuck... I never wanted to get that close to tongue-hockey. CROW: [Cristal] Eeeee... you taste kinda bitter... TOM: [Nomi] Oh, that's my special chloroform lipstick. See ya when I see ya! MIKE: You guys... you are really scaring me. > Cristal gives Nomi her hat, putting it on her head.] Bye > darlin. > NOMI: [pushes down the hat, so it fits nicely] Bye darlin. TOM: [Cristal] Oh, so you're making fun of me? DIE! MIKE: Why does this remind me of that 'Fish Heads' video? > [Scene: Highway. Nomi is again hitchhiking, somewhere near the Luxor > again. Somehow, the same guy who picked her up, Jeff, pulls over and > gives her a ride. The odds of this happening were almost incalculable.] CROW: Just like this film getting a good review. MIKE: Wow. What ARE the odds of that happening? TOM [Misato]: .0000000000000... MIKE: Okay, Tom, we get the point. > JEFF: Come on! Hurry up! [Nomi comes to the window.] Hop in pard! > Today's your lucky day! CROW: The Return of the Guy From Texas. > NOMI: Hi. TOM: AAAH, THE MOVIE JUST LAPPED ITSELF, IT'S A NEVERENDING LOOP!! > JEFF: Lets go. [starts driving.] So, did you gamble? MIKE: [Nomi] Yes, I voted for Perot. > NOMI: > > JEFF: Did you win? > > NOMI: > > JEFF: What cha win? TOM: [Jeff] Did cha win a gramer tooter? 'Cuz I reale nead one. > [Nomi changes the radio station again with her knife. She displays the > knife, and then removes her sunglasses so that he can recognize her.] > > NOMI: Me. MIKE: [Nomi] 72 rounds of blackjack, and I finally won me back! > JEFF: Oh fuck. It's you. CROW: [Nomi] My name is NOMI, thank you very much! > NOMI: I want... my fucking suitcase... asshole!!! MIKE [Texas accent]: Aw man! Another in-dependant fe-male! > [Nomi attacks Jeff, causing the pickup to swerve wildly. Camera view is > now outside truck.] > > JEFF: Oh woo woo woo woo wait!!! I'll get your suitcase!!! TOM: While they do that, let's hope for a propane tanker coming the other way. MIKE: Ouch! > [Music starts up and movie ends] > > [Fade to credits] MIKE [as though reading credits]: This movie dedicated to Satan. > THE END TOM: Ah, thank god, Its over, let's get out of here! MIKE: Right about now, I could go for some heavy, HEAVY alcohol... ALL: YAAAAAAYYY!!! Mike: We win! We win! Crow: Now nothing can make us go nuts! Tom: Yeah! Just "remember Showgirls," and nothing can stop us. All: Yeah! Woohoo! Pearl: Observer...why aren't they insane by now....? Obsrerver: I don't know. I mean, I nearly had to flee to the bathroom and throw up when I tuned in and watched for a few minutes... Pearl: Well, it's back to the research lab! *********** mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by ARSENAL XIII DAMIEN KAROLEV JACK ACID JAMIE JEANS JOHN FELIX JUSTIN GOLDEN (J-BOOGIE) MORDEN SETH C. TRIGGS transcript by JAMIE JEANS dialogue SETH C. TRIGGS (in)action host segments MORDEN host segment ideas by JAMIE JEANS Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters/situations are Ó1998, 1999 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. SHOWGIRLS: The Movie Ó1995 United Artists. All rights reserved. Written by Joe Eszterhas Directed by Paul Verhoeven No infringement was intended or should be implied, this is a work of satire not done for any profit whatsoever. ----------------- FOOTNOTES: † In the Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, anyone who speaks the name of a Sandgorgon has to fight it until either or the Gorgon dies. ----------------- Triple Stinger: > NOMI: I'm not a whore. > JAMES: I have a problem with pussy. > Nomi, who is walking behind Cristal, gives Cristal a very visible two-handed > shove, which sends Cristal careening down the stairs. 7 January 1999