Project Alpha by "Tharkon" A Tekken MSTing by Robert Silvers (robertsilvers@hotmail.com) Edited by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) --------------------------------------------------------------------- [Opening: Satellite of Love] Tom, in another of his psychotic episodes, has decided that today he wants to be the ringleader of a circus, for whatever reason. Mike and Crow are playing along with it. "But I don't want to do this!" Crow whispered. "Just humor him, Crow." Mike suggested. Tom was wearing a bizarre pinstriped suit, much in the style of the regulars from G-Force. He was also brandishing a whip. "La-dies and gentleman... boys and girls... robots alike! It's time for the abso-spectacular, grandioso, magnifique Circus de Servo!" Crow turned to Tom. "Ummm.. Tom, didn't we try this with the Nanites, and they wound up dying?" "Yeah, but it was all Mike's fault." Tom said. "Yeah... hey!" Mike replied. Suddenly, the red desk light flashed. "Pearl's calling..." Mike said, as he tapped the light. Pearl Forrester was sitting in Castle Forrester, using a couple peasants as footrests. "I've decided to flex my muscles by demonstrating my superiority over these people... and then I will RULE THE WORLD! And you know what the best part is? I don't have to worry about expending extra energy. I can just sit here and let people fear me!" she said. Mike was a bit surprised... this was the first scheme of Pearl's in a while that could never work. "I don't know... shouldn't you actually *do* something? Where's the fun in sitting around?" "In a minute, Nelson... you're not even going to care. Your little literary delight is a dose of massive hurting from Tharkon. It's called "Project Alpha" and it bites. Enjoy!" "Ahhh... but..." Mike stammered as the lights and buzzer went off. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" [door sequence] >From behind, we see a balding man, wearing a purple hakama - Mike: We do? Tom: I don't see him. Crow: I'm blind! I'm blind! Help! >HEIHACHI - standing at the edge of a bubbling volcano. The camera >quickly spins around him and zooms on his eyes. Tom: What camera? Crow: Oh, no, it's playing out like a movie! Mike: Let's just hope it didn't cost fifty million dollars to make... er, write. > They stare emptily >into space, devoid of emotion. As the picture halts, it morphs into >another pair of blankly staring pupils, Crow: Arrrggghhh! It morphed! Get it away, get it away! Mike: Calm down. You're gonna blow your logic chips out again. Crow: Okay... I'm calm... Get it away! Arrrggghhh! > and zooming out, we see a >well-built man with white, almost silvery hair Tom: Cool. Sephiroth's in this one. Mike: Oh, no! It's a cross-over! > - LEE - walking through a dark alley. Another quick fade, and we now see a kangaroo, standing among a group of bushes Crow: Did Oscar write this? Mike: No, he only writes Sailor Moon fics. Crow: This is getting wierder and wierder. Mike: The end is nigh. Tom: We're all doomed. > - ALEX. It is night. The camera >follows his gaze to a house, in through a window, where a young >Japanese woman is lying in her bed - JUN. Mike: Oh, no! It's a lemon! Crow (Scotty): Aye, cap'n, we just cannae take it anymore... she's about to blow... Mike: Crow! > She is tossing violently, >indicating that she does not sleep well. The camera zooms extremely >close on her gray sheets, and when it zooms out again, just as quick, >we now follow a Harley-Davidson motorcycle going along a highway. The >driver, wearing sunglasses, has an impressive, high-standing haircut, >and the Bruce Lee-copy behind holds on to his back desperately, Tom: This *is* a lemon. Mike: I don't think that's what the author meant. I don't think... > his >hair pulled backwards by the wind - PAUL and LAW. We only see them >for a few seconds, then the picture fades away again, revealing a >big, robot-like man, Crow: Cool! Robocop's in this too. This is a cross-over. Mike: I don't think he's talking about Robocop. Tom: Then again, anything's possible. > sparring in a traditional-style dojo with a >young, Chinese-looking girl, a man in what looks like ancient samurai >armour watching amusedly - JACK-2 and YOSHIMITSU. Crow: Um, wasn't Jack 2 destroyed at the end of Tekken 2? Tom: Yeah... and they didn't bring him back until like 18 years later, right before Tekken 3. Mike: Just smile and nod, guys. > In one of the few >special-effects of this intro, Tom: What special effects? It's a fic! Mike: And not a very good one. Crow: With movie-like intro. > the picture almost seems to shatter, >and zooming out, we see that it is under the jaws of a purple, demonic >creature, it's face and hair somewhat similar to the man in the >beginning Crow: Um, the "man in the beginning" was bald. Tom: That's one for the old logic circuits. Mike: Don't. That way lies madness. > - DEVIL. Next to him is an angelic woman, who looks in all >regards like the demon's opposite Mike: Thank you for stating the obvious. > - ANGEL. Then, it all fades to >blackness again, and a small Tekken-logo appears, followed by >another, larger text: > --------------- > | PROJECT ALPHA | > --------------- > > a Tekken fanfic > by Tharkon (aka Ronny Hedin) Mike: The man who started it all. Tom: A name that will go down in infamy. Crow (booming voice): I am THARKON! You will kneel before your almighty master! Gya ha ha!!! > > http://home1.swipnet.se/~w-10956/creative/fanfic/ > > *** > > As so many times before, the old man stood at the top of the >volcano, dressed in his traditional hakama and sandals, looking out >over the bubbling lava, where, a few months ago, his son had burned >to death. Mike: And he smiled, remember the fun times they'd had together... Crow: And all the wonderful things he'd bought with the insurance money. Tom: It was a day of contemplation. > > Burned to death, immersed in the molten slag where he had been >thrown by him, Heihachi Mishima, his father, now once again head of >the Mishima Zaibatsu. Tom: Verbs, anyone? Crow: Verbs, get your nice, toasty, warm verbs... pipin' hot! Mike: I'll have two, hold the mayo. > > Heihachi did not regret his actions. His eyes did not reveal any >feelings, only a cold, calculating mind. Mike: For, even now, he was calculating pi to the two-millionth digit. > > The only thing that bothered him was that Kazuya Mishima had been >a failure. A total, utter, failure, one he could not really afford. Crow: As he had told his son so many times before. Mike: As young Kazuya's therapy bills showed. > >He had indeed become a good fighter, never defeated by anyone but >his father, but he had not obeyed. Tom: And that really sucked. > > Not only that, but he had taken control of the family corporation, >and then been unable to keep it, the mistake which he had paid for >with his life. Mike: Shades of "Dallas" here. > He had underestimated his opponent, the worst mistake >possible, one a Mishima was not allowed to make. Crow: And he promptly received a spanking for it. Tom (Kazuya): Damn corporal punishment! > > That it was his own son did not bother him. Why should he care more >for him than for any other worthless loser? Mike: Um... let me think... maybe because HE'S YOUR SON! Tom: Heihachi would never act like this. Crow: Hence the term "fan-fiction." > > The other one did not turn out better. When, so many years ago, it >became clear that Kazuya was a failure, Heihachi had brought up Lee >Chaolan as a second son. Crow: It's always good to have a back-up. Mike: Is this guy related to Delita Hyral? > Though good, Lee never really reached the >skill of Kazuya, let alone himself, and worse, he became one without >honor. Tom: Heihachi regretted letting him streak during the frats' rush week. > > When he, Heihachi, was thought dead, Lee had run to his "brother", >the new head of the Mishima Zaibatsu, and proclaimed his loyalty, and >just as expected, he had now returned, claiming that he had planned >to infiltrate to gain Kazuya's trust and take revenge for what had >been done to "his beloved stepfather". Mike: Actually, none of that ever happened in the Tekken series. Crow: But of course, the author just takes liberty with the storyline, and distorts the facts. Tom: Much like the crew of 20/20. > > It was obvious that Lee had also made the mistake of under- >estimation, thinking his mentor a sentimental fool, Tom: When actually he was just an old fool. Mike: I wonder why he thought Wang Jinrey was a sentimental fool? > not realising >that he had long since guessed all about Lee's inner feelings and >what he really wanted. Crow: Not realizing that Heihachi was the closest thing to God on this miserable planet. > He was still useful, though, as long as he was allowed to believe >that his deception had worked. > > *** > > Lee stood in the parking lot outside the training hall, smiling to >himself. Tom: He had not expected Heihachi to give him the keys to his beloved convertible. > The old fool had bought his lies. Heihachi did not have many >weaknesses, but obviously, his sons were one. Soon, he, Lee Chaolan, >would be the one in power. > > He brushed his hand through his silvery hair, and entered. Crow: Entered who? Mike: Crow! > > Almost immediately, he saw the one he was looking for. A tall, dark >American, his body bulging with muscles. Bruce was punching a bag >heavily, Tom: Hmm... so he's a lesbian. Mike: Not you too, Tom? > but when he recognized the new arrival, he approached him, an >angry look on his face. > > "What're you doin' here?" Mike (Bruce): Hooked on Phonics wurked fer me. > Lee smiled gently. "You have something I want." Tom: Heh. So this *is* a lemon after all? Mike: Let me check my scorecard... > Judging by the look >on his face, Bruce did not understand what he was hinting at, Mike: Well, apparently it is. > so >he added, "Control of what was once Kazuya Mishima's private army." Crow (Lee): You remember, what we talked about last night, sweety. > > If Bruce looked angry before, he was now furious. "WHAT?" he >sputtered. "You traitor! Tell your new master he can go fuck himself, Tom: I don't remember Tekken having language like that. Crow: I guess it's adapting it's style to appeal to a new generation. Mike: Uh... it was made two years ago. >Bruce Irving is loyal to his friends. No way am I helping a fuckin' >scum like you!" Mike (Bruce): It'll take at least fifty grand! Crow (Bruce): And a back rub! Tom (Bruce): And make it snappy! > > Lee smiled again, not gently this time, but the smile that was one >of the reasons why he had been nicknamed "the silver-haired demon". Mike: The other being the fact that he was the son of the devil. > > "Yes you are." Stating this, he jumped forward, hitting Bruce's >upper body with two quick punches that made him stagger backwards. > > "Rrrrrraaaaaaaaarr!" Bruce roared and threw himself at Lee, knee >first. Tom: I see he attended Blanka's School of Fighting and Etiquette. > His opponent, however, easily avoided this by stepping out of >the way. Mike: And pulling out his revolver. > > "I'll kill ya, you motherfuckin' traitor," the large man snarled. >"I can kill you with one blow Crow: ... Mike: No, Crow! > and you fuckin' know it!" With this, he >threw a punch at Lee that would probably have proven him correct if >it had hit. Tom: Luckily, with this being a cheap plot contrivance, it didn't. Crow: Oh, poo! > It didn't, though - his opponent once again stepped >aside, grabbed the outstretched arm with one hand and the kickboxer's >body with the other, Crow (Bruce): Why, Lee, I never knew you felt *that* way... > and threw him into a wall. Mike: Thus shattering his spine. The end. Tom: Feeling dark today, Mike? > > "Why don't you just surrender right away?" Though he had a high >opinion of himself, Lee knew his opponent spoke the truth. Tom: And it was the gospel according to Bruce. > He also >knew that the angrier Bruce got, the fiercer his attacks would get, >which meant he would be able to see them coming a mile away. > It didn't take Bruce long to get to his feet. "Nobody attacks me >and lives! NOBODY!" Mike (Bruce): Except for those kids in grade school. Crow (Bruce): And that old lady on the bus. Tom (Bruce): But she sucker-punched me! > Once again, he leapt at the, though well-trained, >much less impressive-looking Chinese man, trying to land a blow. Crow: Er... ah... too easy. > > Avoiding this one just as easy as the one before it, Lee continued >to tease his opponent. "What about officer Wulong, then? Last time I >was in Hong Kong, he was still healthy." Tom (Lee): For we're great friends, and I visit him often. > He had obviously hit a tender spot. Bruce immediately threw himself >at Lee and managed to connect with his left knee. Sinking to the >ground, Lee rolled backwards, and swept round his right leg as he >rose, knocking his pursuing enemy to the ground. "Better be careful," >he thought to himself. "One more of those and I'm history." Tom: Woohoo! Crow: Bye, bye! Mike: Good riddance! > Never tiring, the immense American once again threw himself at his >opponent, intending to end the fight. Lee, however, had the very same >intention. Blocking the punch, he knocked Bruce backwards with a high >kick, and followed up with another one, and another one. After three >hits to his head, the kickboxer still stood up, but not for long. Crow: Just a flesh wound! I feel better! > Lee launched himself towards his opponent, Tom: In slow motion so it would look cool. > throwing him to the >ground, and started pounding his face repeatedly, not stopping until >he had reduced it to a bloody lump of meat. Tom: Such anger! Crow: Maybe he was neglected as a child. Mike (Freud): His anger shtems from his feelings of resentment tovard his mother, and his underlying sexual insecurities... that'll be five hundred dollars, please. > His task accomplished, the silver-haired demon smiled contently. >"Maybe now you will have learned some respect, American." Crow: After all, why wouldn't you respect the man who beat in your face? Tom: As opposed to hatred and loathing. > > *** > > "So far he has done all that I have expected", Heihachi thought to Mike (Heihachi): But of course I already knew this. I'm psychic! >himself. "It is only a matter of time before he confronts Bruce >Irving, if he has not done so already." He smiled inwardly. Tom: I see Heihachi has a case of lockjaw. Crow: Must be all those rusty nails he eats. > > *** > > A worried look on her angelic face, the woman that was created from >Kazuya Mishima's light side sat on a high rock in the middle of the >forest, pondering. Tom: What is the meaning of life? Mike: Why were we put here? Crow: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop? > > Knowing his innermost self, indeed even being part of it, she knew >Kazuya was not all bad, that he did not really deserve to die. Being >thrown of a cliff by your father at age five definitely counts as a >bad childhood. Mike: There they go... taking a loving father and portraying him as some sort of monster. Tom: Yeah... I mean, how many fathers *haven't* thrown their kids in trenches by age five. > > Now he was gone. She was certain, though, that there was a way to >change that. Just as she was created out of his light half, the being >known as Devil was created from the dark one. Combined, they would >represent all of him. Somehow, she thought, it should be possible to >merge them and thus recreate Kazuya. > Having inherited the greed and selfishness, Devil would probably >not want that. Crow: Gee, ya think? > They were quite evenly matched, and thus, she needed >help. There was only one person who could give her that. Mike: No, she just needs an uzi. Tom: Silly angel, uzis are for kids! > > Devil had been there too, though, and he too had seen what she had >seen. Tom: As he had come over the mountain to see what he could see. Crow: To see what he could see? Tom: To see what he could see. > Her only hope was that with his dark nature, it would take him >longer to figure it out, Mike: After all, evil equals stupid. > that she would be the faster one. Tom: Go, Speed Racer, go! > > Thus, she spread her wings, and rose towards the dark night sky. Crow: And, forgetting that her wings had been clipped, she fell and broke her neck. > > *** > > "So, doctor, what is it that you would wish to tell us?" Mike: You have an acute case of cellular angioso cerebro deformation. Tom: And a bad hangover... Crow: No, wait... that's me. > > Yoshimitsu and Jack-2 where both listening to Dr. Vaskonovich. Mike: Um, isn't it supposed to be Dr. BOSKONOVICH? Tom: Calm down, Mike. It's just another case of rearranging the facts. Crow: Yeah. I mean, what were the chances of Tekken 3 getting made? > The >former, dressed as always in his samurai-like armour, looked >curiously at the speaker, while the latter was not really able to >express such advanced emotions. A smile was only barely discernable >on his lips when he looked at the little girl, even tinier compared >to the enormous man, sitting on his knee. Tom: Ecch! He's a hentai! > > "When you helped me escape the Mishima Zaibatsu, I worked on a >secret project, codename Alpha. Kazuya Mishima himself supervised it." Crow: Hence, had you not helped me escape, I would not have worked on. Therefore, you are to blame. > > Yoshimitsu raised an eyebrow. "This might prove interesting." Mike: This from a guy who watches sumo wrestling for kicks. Tom: Banzai! > > "The intention was to clone a genetic soldier. We borrowed genetic >material from Kazuya himself. However, it did not meet with full >success. Only two prototypes were ever created, one of whom gained all >the good sides of its ... um ... progenitor, the other inheriting >all the bad ones." Mike: And, with Kazuya being evil, the bad one is capable of destroying the known world. > > "The first one must have been quite small then, I would >presume," Yoshimitsu joked, Tom: Heh. Yoshi made a funny. Crow: *sarcastically* Yippee. Mike: *sarcastically* Woohoo. > but seeing that the doctor did not like >the interruption, he motioned for him to go on Mike (Yoshimitsu): Continue. I, lord of the ninja, command it.. > > "You have told me that Heihachi threw his son into an active >volcano. However, that does not mean he is gone for good." Crow: Sure, I mean, *plenty* of people live through that. Tom: Like the entire city of Pompeii. > > "Kazuya is dead," Jack-2 stated matter-of-factly. Tom (Yoshimitsu): He is? Damn! He owed me ten bucks! > > "Yes, but his genes still walk around. Mike: Don't take that literally. Dr. B's English is very bad. Crow: Very, very bad. > They are split, but it is >possible for the prototypes to be joined together again, Tom: With super-glue, of course. > re-creating >a complete Kazuya Mishima." The Doctor waved his hands wildly in the >air to illustrate this. Mike: *waves arms about* Look at me, everyone, I'm a madman! Crow: Tell me something I didn't know, Mike. > > "He must have some contacts of his own, outside the corporation, do >you not think?" Mike: No I think do not you. Crow (Professor Daravon): It was hard, but we found it! > Yoshimitsu said. "He most certainly hates his father, >now more than ever before, Tom: Even though you just *clearly* stated that he's dead. Mike: Ah, sweet plot contrivances. > and would probably use any means necessary >to regain control of the Mishima Zaibatsu. If he appears again, we >would have the underworld at war." > > Once again, the robot seemed to be confused. "Why is that bad?" Crow (Yoshimitsu): Because I don't want to go to war!... Uh... never mind. > > "True, it may sound good," Vaskonovich agreed, "but if you think >about it, you realise it is not so. Tom: I'm beginning to think this guy translated Final Fantasy Tactics. Crow (Professor Daravon): It was hard, but we found it! Mike: Crow, that's getting old. > > The Mishima Zaibatsu is very >powerful, not only in Japan but in all the world. Very many people >would be involved, many would die, and there would be much chaos and >anarchy." Mike (Jack 2): Duh! And why is that bad, boss? > > Jack-2 shook his head. "That cannot be allowed. Kazuya Mishima >must not be ressurected." Tom: 'Cause Jack 2 said so! > > Yoshimitsu nodded. Mike: As those pesky robot ninjas are inclined to do. > "I believe my metallic friend here has hit the >nail head-on. Crow (Jack 2): Who you callin' metallic? Tom: *singing* Beetleborgs, metallix! All: *Brrrr* > Perhaps you can give us some more information to help >us accomplish this?" > > *** > > The young Japanese woman tossed wildly in her sleep. Jun Kazama >was, as so many nights before, plagued by nightmares. Crow (Homer Simpson): She was being chased by the dogs, and the bees, and the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark at you they shoot bees. > > The demonic creature grinned evilly at her. Somehow, it seemed >familiar, similar to Kazuya Mishima, the man she had intended to >fight, but still for some reason felt a strange attraction towards. >Yet, in so many ways, it was different. Tom: That's cuz it's evil, dear. > Certainly, it's twisted, >purple limbs and leathery wings meant they could not be one and the >same. Mike: Hmmm... you'd think that *might* clue someone in. > > No, she felt none of that attraction towards this creature, Crow: Obviously not. This isn't an Oscar fic! > this >purple devil - only fear and loathing. It's horrible smile revealed >long rows of small, sharp teeth. Tom: Clearly, it was a vampire. > > "You," it spoke in that hoarse voice that seemed like a twisted >mockery of the real Kazuya, "shall bear my child." > "Never!" she cried desperately. Crow (Jun): Ew! Grody! Never! > > "You cannot escape your destiny, Jun. You have been chosen by >fate. You," the creature repeated, "shall bear my child." > > "Nooooooooooooooo!" Tom: I see they let her proofread Project Alpha. Crow: But if we're reading it now, how did she proofread? Mike: Shhhh!!! You'll create a paradox! > > Screaming, Jun was shaken awake. She laid in her bed silently, >sweating, tired, but not wishing to go back to sleep. Tom: So she stayed up and watched Conan O' Brien! > > *** > > She was not the only one who could not sleep. In a large, expensive >bed, the wrestler known to most as King pondered what he had just >seen. Mike (King): I hate these nighttime info-mercials! > Something had felt wrong about that dream. Definitely wrong. Like >it was not really his. Tom: But rather, someone elses... Crow: *imitates spooky music* > > The Japanese woman ... who was she? He knew he recognized her. Crow: But these days, all those hookers looked alike. Mike: Crow! Tom: Crow! Jun is *not* a hooker! Hmmph. > > And the demon. The demon, laughing at the woman, teasing her, >threathening her. Something was familiar about it, too. Crow: ... Mike and Tom: No! > > "Kazama," he though to himself. Mike: He couldn't get that "Lion King" song out of his head. > Yes, that was it. Jun Kazama. That >was the name of the woman. She had been at the King of the Iron Fist >tournament. > > But the demon? He could not escape the feeling he had seen it >before, but still, he did could not figure out when or where. Tom: But it sure didn't smell too good, that's for sure. > No matter what, he was certain this was no ordinary dream. >Obviously, the woman needed help. In the morning, he would arrange >for an airplane ticket to Japan, to find out what was wrong, and do >something about it. Tom: Because he enjoyed helping people he didn't even know on a whim. Crow: Because he was lazy and had no job. Mike: Because of a cheap plot contrivance. > > *** > > Saying that the demonic being known to the scientists involved in >project Alpha as "Devil" was angry would be wrong. Irritated, Crow: Why won't these panty-hose quit riding up my leg? > but not >angry. > > Somehow, the dreams had leaked, Tom: As dreams are often apt to do. > and been intercepted by the >wrestler. King had to be taken care of before he could interfere, but >Devil had not planned to reveal his existance just yet. > > Fortunately, he already had a solution to that little problem. That >was why he was now waiting in the alley outside a shady gym in Mexico >City. Mike: Waiting, along with Don King, for a shot at the title. > > He did not have to wait long. Soon, the door opened, and a tall, >muscular Mexican man appeared. He was not wearing his mask, but the >shape of the body, and the patch over the right eye, was a dead >giveaway. Tom: I mean, of course, there's only one Mexican guy with a body shaped like that, and a patch over his right eye. Right? Mike: Um, yeah, sure, whatever. > > "Armor King," the demon whispered softly, from his position in the >shadows. Crow (Armor King): *whispering* What? > > The other immediately turned towards him. "What? Who? How do you >know who I am?" he spat out nervously, trying to focus on the >stranger but not quite being able to see who he was speaking to. > > "Let's just say," Devil smiled, "I am a friend." Tom: And later tonight, I'll be your *real good* friend. Mike: Yuck! Tom! Crow: Sheesh! > > "What?" Mike (Armor King): Ya see, I'm also deaf in one ear... so speak up! Tom: What? Mike: Huh? > > "You wish to have revenge for that eye, do you not?" Crow (Armor King): What eye? You didn't see nuthin'! > > Armor King could merely nod. Mike: But he didn't. Tom: Instead, he committed hari kari... ritual suicide. Mike: My, aren't you dark. > > "The one known as King has always been able to beat you in the >past. You know he is a better fighter than you." > > "Have you come here to insult me?" The wrestler was quickly turning >angry. Crow (Devil): Um... *thinking* Uh... oh, no, not at all. > > Devil smiled again. This would probably be even easier than he had >expected. "It is the truth, and you know it. I, however, can give you >the edge you need. Do you accept my help?" Tom (Armor King): Sure, why not? I mean, you're only Satan and all. Mike: He's not Satan. The plot has already clearly explained that he's Kazuya's dark side. Tom: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Crow: *pretending to file his nails* I'm sorry... huh? > > "How?" Though he realised that it was indeed as the other said, >he did not really trust the stranger yet. Tom: As he had just seen the horns and cloven hooves. > > "You will see ... if you accept. Do you?" Tom (Native American): Sure, I trust you, white man. We will share land, as friends. > > It felt wrong, but King's old enemy could not let a chance like >this go away. "I do." > > Devil's smile widened. He opened his mouth, and laughed, an insane, >devilish laugh. Mike: That's always comforting. Crow: You should try it sometime, Mike. It's easy. Like this: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! > He placed his hand on the other's shoulder, Tom: Who's shoulder? Crow: The other's. Tom: Oh. Huh? > and >suddenly, the Mexican screamed with pain. They were both slowly >engulfed in a sphere of red light. Mike: Which, much like the movie "Sphere," sucked. > > Only a few seconds passed, and then, with a flash, the ball of >light was gone. In the alley stood only Armor King, now fully >armoured. The single eye of his catlike mask was glowing red. Crow: Because he's evil! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! > > "Now, King," he whispered, "you die." > > *** > > Jun Kazama was in the garden outside her house, practicing, when >she thought she saw something move in the nearby bushes. Tom: And, having killed all the rabbits within a ten-mile radius, was quite suspicious. Mike: That's sick. > She >approached carefully, not knowing what to expect, but was relieved >when she spotted the cause of her worry - a kangaroo. Mike: Well, ain't that interesting. Bots: *make snoring noises* > > "Alex? What are YOU doing here?" Mike (Alex): YOU isn't here... it's only me! Tom: That was kinda lame. > she said, scratching the animal >between it's ears. Mike: Shades of "Artemis' Lover." All: *cringe* > In response, Alex just let out a sound which >seemed to indicate happiness, and lowered his head, obviously wanting >her to keep scratching it. Crow (Austin Powers): Yeah, baby! Tom: Gimme some more of that good lovin'! > > Jun smiled and did so, though still surprised. Crow: For she never realized that Alex swung *this* way. > > *** > > King was unable to get a plane leaving during day-time, and thus, >it was already dark when he left the orphanage, where, as he so often >did, he had spent the day playing with the children. Tom: Ain't he a sweet guy? Crow: He's gonna die... big time. Tom: Mike, say it ain't so. Mike: Sorry... Crow's right. He's *so* dead. > > Immediately, he felt that something was wrong. He was not alone. > > He didn't have to wonder long - Armor King stepped out of the >shadows, his eye still glowing. Crow: Because he's just so freakin' evil! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! > > "You!" Though surprised at first, King quickly assumed a fighting >stance. His opponent, not in the mood to talk, immediately threw a >punch, which King barely caught. Mike: With his face. > > In response, he tried a quick kick towards the armoured one's legs, >but the other sidestepped, and connected a quick fist to the stomach. >As his opponent staggered slightly from the punch, Armor King was >able to grab him and throw him into a nearby wall. > > "He's never been this fast before!" King thought to himself as he >sailed through the air. Crow: Yeah. I tend to think all my deepest thoughts when I sail through the air. Tom: You don't think deep thoughts. Crow: I don't sail through the air too much, either. > > He returned to a standing position quickly, and threw himself at >the other, but the armoured one ducked, Tom: Who's this armoured one they keep talking about? Crow: And why is "ARMOR King" called the "ARMOURed one?" Mike: I'm as confused as you are. > and when King rolled back to >his feet, his opponent was there with a fierce round-house which sent >him flying backwards. Tom: *singing* I believe I can fly... > > It didn't take the wrestler long to regain his balance, but his >opponent was faster still. A massive uppercut hit King's jaw, sending >him to the realm of unconciousness. Mike: A happy place, full of pixies and sprites. Crow: Uh, Mike, lay off the angel dust. Mike (Bill Clinton): I did not inhale. Crow: Yeah, sure. > > From the door of the orphanage, a boy was watching the fight >wide-eyed, as Armor King stepped up to the body of his defeated >arch-rival, took hold on both sides of the neck, and, in a single >motion, ripped the head straight off. Crow: Yeeouch! Mike: Okay... that is NOT how King died. It clearly explains all of this in Tekken 3. Tom: Uh, like you always say, just smile and nod. > > He laughed insanely, Crow: As insane people often do. > holding the still lion-masked head up for the >world to see. Tom: Or at least the horrified little boy in the doorway. How cruel. > > Suddenly, he staggered. Lightning pulsed through his body for a few >moments, and then, with a flash, he was once again covered by a >sphere of red light. When it disappeared, Devil was there. Crow (Armor King): Howdy. Tom: Imagine seeing you here. > > It was the demon-like creature that carried on the insane laughter >as he rose into the air and flew away, flapping his enourmous >bat-like wings. Armor King just stood there, staring at the lifeless >body and the head he was still holding. Dropping it, he sank to his >knees, crying softly, slowly realising what he had just done. Crow: Oh my god, you killed Kingee! Tom: You bastards! > > *** > > When Angel came sailing slowly down from the sky, Jun was still >practicing in her garden. At first, she was at a loss for words. The >winged woman had appeared out of nowhere, totally unexpectedly. >Finally, she managed to regain her composure. > > "Who are you?" Tom (Angel): Nyah! Askers go first! > > The angelic being smiled, which somehow immediately made Jun very >calm. She felt that this woman was her friend. "I am part of the man >you love." > Again, Jun didn't know what to say. "Who?" > > "Kazuya Mishima." Crow (Jun): Oh, yeah... *that* guy. > > "No..." Jun stammered insecurely, "I hate him! He's evil!" > > Again, Angel smiled warmly. "Do you really believe that yourself?" Tom (Jun): No, but I'm a good liar. > > The Japanese woman barely managed a weak nod. It was obvious she >was not as certain as her words might indicate. > > "You want him to return, don't you?" > > "But that's impossible ... I saw him die! Have you come here just >to tease me?" Crow (Angel): Yes! And because Kazuya didn't have a good side, I'm evil too! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!! Mike: Enough with the evil jokes/laughter, Crow. Crow: You're just jealous because you can't do it. > Though it was obvious the angelic woman had more >sincere intentions, tears started forming in Jun's eyes. Tom: Because, inside, there were tiny, evil organisms that liked to tear people's retinas. Mike: Uh, I think the writer means *tear*, not tear. Tom: Then why didn't he say so? > > "No, it's not." Angel took her hand comfortingly. "As I said, I am >part of him. Half. The other half..." Crow (Angel): No, silly. Not *that* part. > > She didn't need to explain who it was. Jun remembered the creature, >the demon, from her dreams. She strengthened her grip of Angel's >hand. Crow: Aw, isn't that sweet. Young love... Mike: You're seriously starting to push it, Crow. > > "Don't fear. I'm here to help you." > > Jun nodded weakly. > > "There's a ritual that can make us unite to Kazuya again. Tom (Angel): As most science can be easily altered by rituals. > We must >begin training now, or he may find us here before you are ready." > > *** > > Jun was awakened by being shaken softly. "Huh?" she muttered >sleepily. > > "I have a bad feeling," Angel whispered. "We must leave!" > > The Japanese woman immediately came wide awake. Tom: Well, that was all quite pointless. Mike: Much like this whole fic? Tom: Yup. > > *** > > As they hurriedly left the house, Jun and Angel did not notice that >they were being watched. Though not as smart as a normal human, Alex' >intellect surpassed that Crow: Of most mutated and/or deformed humans. > of an average kangaroo more than enough >to realise something was wrong. Tom: Jun had forgotten to feed her cats this morning! > > Very well. He was going to stay behind, and make sure that whomever >it was that had scared them would not find out where they had gone, >too. Mike: The demon of the run-on sentence. > He did not have to wait long. Only half an hour later, a purple >spot appeared in the distant horizon, quickly growing, until it could >easily be recognized as the demonic being known as Devil. Crow: It looked like Pat Buchanan? > It landed near the house. > > "So," Devil snorted, "they have left already? Doesn't matter. I >will find her easily." Laughing hoarsely, he folded his wings and >began walking towards the front door. > > Alex emerged from within, blocking the door and assuming a combat >stance. Tom: This should be humorous. Crow: Get the popcorn. Mike: You can't eat. Crow: Details, details. > > The demonic creature looked at the him condescendingly. "So, little >one, you're going to stop me?" > > The kangaroo let out a defiant cry, indicating with his glove-clad >paws that such was indeed his intention. Tom: Okay, without thumbs, how did he get his gloves on? > > "Hmph." Devil snorted, hunched over a little, then rose to his full >height, flexing his muscles and concentrating his gaze on his >opponent. From his eyes sprang beams of blue light. > > What Devil didn't realize was that Alex had seen him fight before, Mike: And was rightly terrified. >and was expecting this. The kangaroo did a somersault towards the >demon, rolling below the beam and sweeping the purple one's legs. >This disturbed his balance somewhat, but though he was surprised, it >was not enough to make Devil fall. Crow: I mean, after all, he is- Mike: Let me guess... evil? Crow: Uh, yeah. > > As his concentration was broken, he almost immediately threw a >heavy punch to the chest of his smaller opponent, sending him flying >into the door he came from, breaking it into shards of wood, and >landing on the floor within. Tom: And the ASPCA promptly arrested him. Crow: The end. Mike: You wish. > > Quickly, he followed, intending to deliver the killing blow. Alex, >however, was not fully as weak as Devil thought. The kangaroo had got >to his feet immediately upon landing, and the demonic creature ran >straight into an impressive haymaker, which sent him flying back out >again. > > Not intending to do the same mistake as his opponent, Alex >procedeed carefully towards him, which prove to be even more fatal, >as it gave the other time for a new beam. Tom: The other? The other what? Crow: The other time for a new beam? Tom: But what happened to the old time? Mike: Paradoxes 'a plenty. > Rising into the air, Devil >sent the blue flashes of energy towards the kangaroo as he emerged >from the door, pinning him to the ground. Crow (referee): One... two... three... you're out! > > Landing, the demonic being stepped up to his opponent, who was >still writhing in pain, took hold of his neck, and raised him into >the air. He kicked his head twice, lifted him even further using both >arms, and finally threw him onto his knee. The crack when the >kangaroo's back broke was loud enough to be heard a mile away. Crow: And so ends the easily resolved conflict. Tom: Like we always do about this time. Mike: That defies all laws of physics. > > *** > > A brief search gave no indication of where the owner of the house >had gone, though the broken door indicated that they had been in >quite a hurry - or someone else had been there afterwards. Mike: Yep, that's a good clue. People often break down doors when they're in a hurry. Tom: Humans are an odd species. > > "Damn," Yoshimitsu swore. "We are too late. They have already >left." > > "We lose?" Jack-2 enquired in his mechanical voice. Tom: You'd think, if they can build cybernetic intelligence, they could make him just a bit smarter. Crow: And why's he hanging out with Robo-boy anyway? It's not as if he has a lot of free time on his hands. > > "Hrmph." Yoshimitsu almost seemed deeply insulted. "Of course we >don't. I am a ninja, after all - I happen to possess some skills in >tracking." > > *** > > Jun and Angel were in the final stage of the ritual. By now, the >hotel room they had rented stank heavily of incense, All: Ewwww!!! > and they were >both chanting in low voices. Tom: Om mani padme hum... Mike: I didn't know you knew Sanskrit. Tom: ... > > Suddenly, the locked door burst inwards, torn apart at the hinges. >Devil entered, a menacing grin on his face. Crow: Because he's evil! Mike: Not again! > > They had expected this, however, and he was too late. Crow: A-ha! Tom: Double ha! > > Angel and Devil both started glowing softly, she white, he purple. >The angelic woman reached out towards the demonic being with her >hand. He tried to back off, but not in time. When she touched him, >it was as if their bodies disappeared, leaving behind only two >vaguely humanoid forms of white and purple light. Mike: Don't forget mauve! > Slowly, the two light-shapes started melting together. Where they >met, the light not only changed color but also increased in >intensity, until it was just one small orb, shining incredibly >bright. Crow (deadhead): Cool light show! > > Bolts of lightning shot from the sphere all over the room. Some of >them hit Jun, and she shook with pain, but managed to keep up the >chanting, her voice becoming more and more desperate. Tom: [Jun] Must... escape... this fanfic... > Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the sphere of light >floated out into a human shape - one which Jun could recognize as >that of Kazuya Mishima. As she spoke the last words of the ritual, >with a flash, it turned solid, and he stood there. Crow (Kazuya): Cool! I'm alive again! Bitchin'! Mike: [Jun] Mr. Tharkon, sir... I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance! > > Tears of joy streaming from her eyes, she fell exhaustedly into his >waiting arms. Tom (Bruce Campbell): Give me some sugar, baby! > > *** > > It was early morning when Kazuya left the hotel, Crow: Way to go, Kazuya! > dressed in his >usual purple suit. Tom: So, when complex rituals correct scientific mistakes, clothes emerge from the astral plane? Mike: Basically. Tom: Oh. Cool. > Outside, Jack-2 and Yoshimitsu were waiting for >that. Tom: They were waiting for his suit? > > "So, Kazuya, where do you think you are going? Eager to start your >business again?" Yoshimitsu smiled grimly. Mike: I see Yoshimitsu doesn't believe in giving a guy a second chance. Tom: Well, it is Kazuya. > > "Get out of my way." > > "No." Jack-2's metallic face was blank as he folded his arms. Tom: Ah, the wonders of technology. Crow: Jack doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb, does he? > > "I could say I am sorry I have to do it," the samurai-clad ninja >said, "but it would be a lie. This time, Kazuya, you will die, once >and for all." > > Shrugging, Kazuya adopted a combat stance. "If you want a fight, >you'll get one." Tom (Duke Nukem): Come get some! Crow (Duke Nukem): It's ass-kickin' time! > > The other two also readied themselves for fighting, and immediately, >Yoshimitsu lashed out with his katana. Kazuya managed to block the >strike with his left arm, however, and punched the ninja's stomach >with the other. > Meanwhile, the cyborg approached Kazuya's back, Mike: That's really brave. A robot and a cyborg against one lousy guy. Geez. Crow: Nobody ever said life was fair. > but was greeted with >a kick to the groin. Unlike most, however, that location was not >particularly sensitive, and he grabbed the other's suit, lifted him >into the air, and sent him flying backwards with a punch in the face >which would have killed any normal human. Tom: But Kazuya was unaffected, being the son of a demi-god. Mike: Speaking of Heihachi... > > Though he survived it, he was not unaffected, and when Kazuya rose >heavily, his nose was bleeding, and he spat out a stream of blood. >He might be one of the best, but even he was not able to take on two >fighters this good alone for very long. Just as he got Jack-2 off his >feet with a foot-sweep, he felt something sharp pierce through his >back. Mike: It was Yoshimitsu, king of the cheap shot. Crow: And don't you forget it! > > Yoshimitsu pushed the blade heavily through Kazuya's chest, >penetrating his ribs and entering the heart. > > Just as Kazuya coughed up a final lump of blood and sank to the >ground, Jun came running out of the hotel, crying in vain. > > "Noooooooooooooo!" Tom: Hmmm? Where have I heard that before? > > None of them were ready for what happened next, and could only >stare wide-eyed as the body shivered and convulsed, and then began >twisting. The limbs grew monstrously, breaking the suit, and the >skin turned a sickly purple shade. Wings emerged from the back. Mike: Yeah! Get 'em, Devil! Bots: Huh? > > Only seconds later, Devil stood before them again. > > "Fools!" he snickered. "Now that the pathethic so-called light half >is gone, I have the full power of he who was once Kazuya Mishima." > > It was Yoshimitsu who first managed to come to his senses. >"Monster! I can not allow you to exist!" Crow (Yoshimitsu): There can only be one monster around here, and that be me... Tom (Yoshimitsu): So get to steppin'! > > The demonic creature just laughed. "Give me your best shot." > > Yoshimitsu did not respond, but instead launched himself towards >Devil, sword held high. Tom: I see Duke here's comin' to get some. Mike: Enough Duke Nukem references. > He never got a chance to slash, however, >as the being jumped high into the air, keeping itself there by gently >flapping it's wings. Crow (Devil): Ha! I can fly and you can't! Ha! > > The world seemed to hold it's breath for a few moments, while the >demonic creature just hung there, then with a roar it threw itself >in a kick, not towards the samurai-clad ninja, but towards Jack-2, >who didn't have time to react before he could feel the large, clawed >foot crush into his breast-plates, denting them slightly. Tom (Jack 2): Error! Error! System data malfunction! Crow (Jack 2): You have mail! > > Not giving the slow cyborg a chance to react, Devil looked directly >into his eyes and let out a short burst of energy, which made his >entire head shake with lightning and shortcircuits, Tom: I've never seen anyone "shortcircuits" before. Mike: I think that's a typo. Crow: This whole fic is a typo! > before he sank to >the ground, the spark totally gone from his eyes. Crow: Yes! One down, one to go! > > Yoshimitsu ran towards his fallen comrade, but the demonic creature >was ready for him and struck out with a fist, knocking the other >backwards, but not before he could strike with his blade, risping a >shallow wound on the demonic chest which made Devil cry out in pain >as green blood slowly oozed out. Tom: How do you "risp" something? Crow: Is that like "riffing" something? Mike: Who cares? It's almost over. Bots: Yay! > > His eyes glowing red with fury, he threw another punch towards the >ninja, this one hitting his head heavily and sending him unconscious >to the ground. Crow: Kill him! > > With both his opponents down, Devil turned towards Jun, who could >only watch, paralyzed with fear for the one she now saw before her. >"Finally ... you will be mine!" Tom (Bruce Campbell): Gimme some sugar, baby! Mike: Those Bruce Campbell references are getting a bit old, too. > > "No, she won't." The demonic creature turned towards the new voice >to see Heihachi entering the scene, now in his combat clothing. Tom (Jun): Heihachi! My hero! Crow (Jun): Never mind that you killed my last boyfriend, who just happened to be your son. Mike: Moral of the story: Heihachi's evil to the core. > "I've >been following you for quite some time. It was nice of you to get rid >of that irritating wrestler, Mike: And now Heihachi hates King all of a sudden. Crow: It's Tekken. Everybody hates everybody. Especially Heihachi. > but I won't allow you to violate this >woman." Mike: Okay, this is out of character. Heihachi has no morals. Tom: Maybe he's turned over a new leaf... Nah, couldn't be. > > "I'm not your son, old man." > > "All the better." > > Devil laughed. "My might far surpasses yours." > > "We will see. I am not King of the Iron Fist without reason." Crow: I killed my own son for this title, after all! > > They both readied themselves for the fight that was about to ensue, >eyes locked on each other, both fully aware that this would be it. >The final fight, which one of them would come out of alive, and one >wouldn't. Tom: Isn't that a question? Mike: This surpassed the line of sensibility long ago. > The demonic creature was fully certain he would be the >survivor. Heihachi was not as sure, and he knew that gave him just >the advantage he needed. > > Simultaneously, they both jumped towards each other, intending to >get the other with a flying kick. Neither hit, and they landed again, >having switched position. > > As Devil raised his head for a power beam, Heihachi ran forward, >threw himself towards his opponent, and managed to knock the demonic >creature to the ground before he was hit by the blast. Crow: As long as he was hit by the blast... was he? Tom: Beats me? Mike? Mike: *snores* > Throwing the other off with a punch, Devil rose to his feet again, >and swept Heihachi off-balance with a quick foot-sweep, but the punch >intended to follow up was not quick enough, as the old man blocked >it and managed to connect a kick to the demonic belly. Tom: Ah, the demonic belly. Crow: The best night club in all of San Francisco. > > Stunning him with a quick blow the head, Devil grabbed his opponent >in a fierce hug, but though he could barely breathe, Heihachi was not >stopped so easily. Mike: After all, Heihachi doesn't need air! He's the King of Iron Fist! > Indeed, this was just what he had wanted as he >managed to get his right arm loose, raising the fist high into the >air where it sparkled with energy, before he unleashed the tremendous >blow, striking the demonic being's head and almost knocking it off >it's shoulders. > > Devil fell to the ground, rapidly losing his consciousness, but the >old man wasn't going to stop. He took hold of Yoshimitsu's nearby >lying katana, put the tip to Devil's forehead, and pushed it in. Mike: And so ends the easily resolved conflict. > The demonic body seemed to writhe in pain, then began to glow >softly from with for a few seconds, before flames burst out. Crow: Killing Heihachi, Yoshimitsu, Jack 2... Tom: No, Jack 2's already dead, remember? Crow: Oh, yeah. Whatever. > After a >few minutes of intense burning, only ashes remained. > > *** > > Once again, Heihachi stood atop the volcano. Now the mistake he had >made when he put his son to the world had been irrevocably corrected. >He could once again set his mind to more important tasks. Crow: Like world domination, campaign fundraising, etc. Tom: Basically, the usual. > > *** > > Crying softly to herself, Jun finally managed to fall asleep. >Kazuya was dead again, and this time, he could not be brought back >to life. All: Yay! > > She was not aware that inside her, something was already growing. Crow: Oh my god, it's those chest-bursters from Aliens! Aaarrrggghhh!!! Mike: Come on, it's over. Let's get out of here. Bots: At last. [door sequence] "Man... that was long and painful..." Mike said. "Still... it wasn't Showgirls." Crow said. All three of the crew shuddered. [Castle Forrester] "Oh, my Mike... I see you have made it... so boring you to death won't work." Pearl picked up a whip. "Meanwhile, my plan seems to be working fine! Look at the peasants below... they are cowering to my extreme power! Bwah,hahahaha!!" Observer came over. "Ummm... actually they are not." "Yes, they are not..." Pearl stopped. "They are not? What the?!" Observer explained. "They're not bowing... they're retching... turns out they got ahold of some of Bobo's banana pudding." "I had some of that, Observer... it was really good! What were those people thinking?" Suddenly, Bobo came over to them, looking abit dejected. "Oh, dear... I knew they wouldn't like my family's special banana pudding!" "I don't know why, it was delicious!" Pearl said. "Ah... well, what's not to like about it... mashed bananas, a few ticks and grubs, and a couple ants for boldness... just like Mama used to make! Pearl turned green, and quickly ran off screen. [fade to credits, Pearl can be heard retching over the credits.] -------------------------------- Original fanfic by Tharkon The original fanfic can be found at http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/fanfic/pa.html Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1998 Best Brains, Inc. Characters used are not used for money purposes, and no infringement is intended. Tekken is copyright to someone. And Project Alpha belongs to Tharkon. Rob Silvers 9/22/98 --------------- > He brushed his hand through his silvery hair, and entered. Crow: Entered who? Mike: Crow!