Time change Part 1 BY: General Peterson MSTIED BY: Seth C. Triggs a.k.a. Lefty CO-MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!! JAMIE JEANS: This is my second teaming up with Lefty and I must say that it is good working with him. All I have to do is just add some extra comments and come up with the host segments and that's it. SETH C. TRIGGS: Well, this is my *fourth* obscene self-insertion. In fact, ALL four have to do with Sailor Moon. What is it about Sailor Moon that makes it so prime for self-insertion? Anyway, this "General Peterson" guy puts Oscar and "Tuxedo" Chris Caldwell to shame...anyway, on with the show!! LEGAL STUFF: All the characters and concepts of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Best Brains Inc. Please don't sue us for we are merely borrowing your characters and not making any claim on them. The following fanfic belongs to its author and he can have it! Now, on to the story! ________________________________________________________________________ Dr. Forrester downed the last piece of chocolate cake and leaned back in his office chair, vowing never again to make such a invention. He and TV's Frank, who was currently laying on the floor and sleeping, had taken nearly all night eating the self-regenerating chocolate cake. The two were had been so busy eating the cake that they hadn't even had time to make an invention. "Oh well," the evil scientist thought. "At least I still have the next part of that horrible fanfic to send those goody two shoes." Struggling to get to his feet, Dr. Forrester nudged Frank wit his foot. "Get up you dolt we have to send Mike and his bots the experiment." "Just five more minutes, mom," Frank mumbled sleepily. Grumbling, Dr. Forrester finally got to his feet and stumbled over to the control board, silently cursing the quality of assistants. Tapping the button, he spoke into the camera. "Wakey, wakey lab rats." SATELLITE OF LOVE "Hello sir," Mike said. Beside him were Tom and Crow, holding an elaborate device that looked nothing more then a large super soaker with large pipes and several bulbs filled with white paint attached to it. "We're ready for the invention exchange," Crow said. DEEP 13 "Not today, I'm afraid. Me and Frank were so busy battling that regenerating cake that we didn't have time to make an invention." The evil scientist paused for a moment before continuing on. "However, that doesn't mean you'll be getting out of today's experiment, which is a ripe stinker! It's chapter one of General Peterson's horrible fanfic series of time traveling and the Sailor Scouts. Enjoy!" With an evil leer, the scientist punched the button, sending the fanfic up to the SOL. SATELLITE OF LOVE "What a dickweed," Crow said as Mike took the invention from him and gently lay it on the countertop. "Yeah! And after all that work we went through in making the newest in paint sprayers!" Tom complained. The lights and sirens started up ensuring the usual pandemonium. "Never mind that!" Mike shouted. "We've got fanfic sign!!!" The human and two robots rushed about in excitement before entering the theater. (DOOR SEQUENCE) 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... CROW: Oh great! More of the *great* General Peterson. TOM: Maybe he'll be a mild self-insertion author... like Adam Chris Leigh. MIKE: Don't get your hopes up. Hello! I'm General Peterson MIKE: [Peterson] And you're not! Usual Disclaimers - This story itself is mine! mine! mine! CROW: You're welcome to it, pal. TOM: Kinda touchy, ain't he. MIKE: Maybe he's Nightbaby in disguise... Any other characters you do not know is mine also (unless I say so). MIKE: So half way through the story, he's going to pop up and say "This character is mine, but this one isn't." Sailormoon is owned by its lucky owners Naoko Takeuchi/Kodasha and TOEI Animations. Indroduced to the U.S by D.I.C. TOM: Dicked by DIC. MIKE: Tom, no... Indroduction CROW: Quickly followed by the end... right? This story starts in the future and evolves in the past when a time change occured. ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! CROW: It's Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?! all over again!!! You can send flames,comments,ideas and others to general_p@hotmail.com MIKE: We will... or visit my web page at www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Pagoda/2790 TOM: [Peterson] Please? Pretty please, with sprinkles on top? Time Change Part 1 ------------------ CROW: It's a long way to Tiparawhee... Let's start the story ! ALL: NOOOOO! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: [helicopter noises] TOM: Traffic is light on the outbound Scajaquada Expressway... It was peaceful in Crystal Tokyo after centuries of peace after the elimination of the entire Dark Kingdom and other obstacles. CROW: Like tires, climbing walls, rivers, that sort of thing. TOM: You know... stuff. The sailor senshi had virually nothing to do. Reeny had returned to this time after her visit to the past, but now a teenager. MIKE: Albeit an annoying teenager. Suddenly, a message arrived to me,General Peterson, the appointed leader to the royal army of Crystal Tokyo. TOM: [Peterson] Because it's self-insertion. CROW: I wonder if that title was self appointed... The message was also sent to other important members of the council. After I wore my coat, CROW: A good thing too! I wouldn't want to see this guy naked! MIKE: Crow! I ran to the Meeting Chambers where now, all the ones concerned were grouped. MIKE: Yeah. [yawn] TOM: This guy seems to have all the speech capability of John Agar. After myself, Reeny came and Queen Serenity started, "We are here now because of Metallia and a phenomenon seen and felt by Sailor Pluto which she has done. CROW: [Serenity] She has caused us to make our sentences run on sentences. I think she can start explaning things now." TOM: No, please don't hurry on *our* account... Sailor Pluto explained,"If my senses are correct, a time change will occur in four hours. It is because of Metallia. MIKE: Metallia this and Metallia that!! When is someone going to take responsibility for the screw-ups in this story!! She has escaped the dimensional prison by travelling back in time, she went to the past and has also changed the past. TOM: [Serenity] Because, otherwise there would be no plot. CROW: What are you saying? So far, there *is* no plot! TOM: Oh. I will want to send another person here with Reeny to go back to the past and help our past selves destroy Metallia again." MIKE: [dopey voice] Uhhh... sir, what if we destroy the space-time continuum by accident? CROW: [Serenity] We will put it on your bill. TOM: This reminds me of something out of Star Trek! Everyone in the chamber started murmuring to each other. Then Lita spoke up, "If in the past, Queen Serenity and the other senshi destroyed Metallia and Beryl, why after Metallia from this future which went back to the past to merge with the other Metallia then they could not ?" TOM: Must... resist... run on... sentence... flame... Sailor Pluto immediately answered, "Yes, that is a good question. It is because that the Metallia from the future has more experience in magic to help her past self so we need someone here who had experience to help in the past. MIKE: They also need an expert on sentence structure. CROW: Does this guy drink lots of coffee while he types? She has practiced the art of dark magic during her years of imprisonment, even though she has lost almost all her powers. So do we have any volunteers ? TOM: [Serenity] Bonuses if you die! MIKE: Come on! We need cannon fodder! If there are none, I would like to ask General Peterson to do it." MIKE: [Serenity] That way, if he is killed, we don't really lose anything. The result was inevitable. It was decided that I had to accept the mission. It was not that bad anyway. So I said, "Yes, I just hope it will be fast." CROW: [Peterson] Like Minako. MIKE: Crow... "Good, I will give you one hour to prepare for the mission. You will be granted a time key to use to go back and forth a few times in time. I would like to explain to you that it is a very dangerous mission and I would like you to swear an oath to keep secret anything that is important and could cause another time paradox. TOM: Hey!! Wouldn't this foray into the past cause a time paradox anyway? CROW: Try not to think. You'll feel better. You are well versed in the Rules Of Time, you should know what to do. Is this agreed ?". MIKE: Ummm...no. TOM: What are the Rules of Time? CROW: I know one of them is that time-traveling crossovers never work. MIKE: Maybe the Federation should have a set of those... "Yes, I swear to keep any important information secret,"I sweared. MIKE: Hey!! Watch that language, young man! "After I have sent you and Reeny to the past, I will stop time so that you will not disappear in this time and so in the past. TOM: [Serenity] Wait... what's the point? I could be potentially rid of you forever!! BWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! CROW: You do that *too* well. You can go and start packing now,"Sailor Pluto said. I rose up and ran to my living quarters. TOM: [Peterson] It's not much, but the newspaper keeps the floor clean. CROW: Ick. It was a fairly big place to stay in the palace and was lightly ornamented except for my great collection of certificates of appreciation and medals. TOM: What? All two of them? MIKE: Yup. Self insertion. I took what I needed. I took my clothes and my notebook computer. Then I studied my dangerous defence and attack spells to refresh my memory on them. I decided not to take weapons since it would be dangerous if someone took it. CROW: Oh, that makes s... huh? Then I realised it was already one hour, so I ran to the meeting chamber again with my equipment. Upon reaching there, I was given a time key by Sailor Pluto and she said, CROW: You break it, you buy it. TOM: [Pluto] This is your bathroom key. If you lose it, you go in the field. [MIKE looks at TOM and shakes his head] "I hope you will keep this key well. The only thing you need to do to work this time key is to hold it tightly and concentrate to where and when you want to go. MIKE: [Pluto] For example, I could wish myself out of this fanfic. If this time key malfunctions, you can use your own Time Gate spells to get back here. Are you ready ?". TOM: [Peterson] Yeah, but is this rope around my neck *really* necessary? "Yes,"I answered. "Good. Now I will transport you with Reeny so please take care of her. Not that I don's trust our past selves but ........Never mind.". CROW: [Serenity] It's just that... they're a bit ditzy. I then held Reeny's hands. MIKE: [Peterson] It was a cinch to cut them off! TOM: A little dark today, Mike? I was her teacher and guardian even though she had Luna P and Diana. CROW: Luna P? TOM: Yeah, you didn't know? Her last name is Perricelli. MIKE: I thought that was the cat ball. This time she would be able to take Diana back to the past with her. "Never mind, uncle. You should know I have already time travelled before. So, I won't be scared so please don't hold my hand so tightly," MIKE: [Reeny] I'd begin to think you were Woody Allen! CROW: MIKE!! Don't steal my lines! MIKE: Sorry. Reeny said. "Huh,"I murmured then I realised I was holding Reeny's hand very tightly so I released my grip on her. I realised after that, Reeny activated the time key to prove her point. TOM: *WHAT* POINT?! CROW: Easy there, Tom. Then I suddenly appeared near Ami's house. There I fell down and I was knocked out of my senses. Amy hearing the impact went outside to find out. MIKE: I thought he was outside *Ami*'s house! TOM: Maybe she had her dub counterpart come over for tea. CROW: Double scripting. The general is going to be paying allot for the actors fees. "What ! Reeny ! Didn't you just go back ?" she shouted. CROW: [Ami/Amy] I thought we were rid of you for good! Then she saw me unconcious and asked, "Who is that ?". "He is the General of the royal army in the future MIKE: The Royal Army of Elbonia. CROW: Not just any army, but *the* army. and is also my teacher so please help him. He must have knocked out when we time travelled here. It's all my fault," Reeny said. TOM: [Reeny] Okay, so *I'm* the jerk! Amy then made scans of General Peterson. CROW: [Amy] Brainpower: 10%...Ego...50% and climbing...yes, it's a self-insertion author!! He was only unconcious and then she called the other senshi by her communicator, "Quick, this is and emergency. MIKE; [Quick] Yes, and emergency... go ahead! Reeny has came with a friend. He is unconcious now. I think you all shoud come here. Luckily my mother is in Australia.". CROW: What the hell does *that* have to do with anything? TOM: What do you suppose "."." is? After ten minutes, I woke up and received stares from everyone including Luna and Artemis. Then I saw Serena and said, TOM: [Peterson] Who's the ditz? CROW: [ba-doom-crash] TOM: [Peterson] Thanks!!! I'll be here all night!!! Enjoy the buffet! "Hello, Queen Serenity.". Then I realised that she was not the queen YET and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Serena. MIKE: [Serena] You took a whole bunch of glory from me! WAAAAAHHH!! Oh,how could I forget to introduce myself ? I am General Peterson, Lord General to the Royal Army of Crystal Tokyo and TOM: [Peterson] Their biggest wuss. CROW: Their most used walking target. also teacher and guardian to Reeny. I am also an Arch-Mage of Magic." MIKE: [Amy] My word... his ego reading seems to be skyrocketing!! Then I heard murmuring among them. "Okay, why are you here with Reeny. She had just returned anyway. I started to like it without her pestering me, "Serena whined. CROW: [Reeny] Believe me, it was no cup of tea with your incessant whining! "Oh, that. I am here because the future Sailor Pluto or Setsuna as you call her sent us here a time change will occur. CROW: Does *anyone* understand that sentence? The future Queen Metallia has come to the past and merged with the present Metallia giving them a good chance to win you when you fight because of its increase in magical powers. We are here to help you," I explained. MIKE: *We*? What is he? Royalty now!? TOM: [Sailor Senshi] Oh, no!! Not another self-insertion author!! Run away! "That's why the youma's now are so damn confident. ALL: [gasp] CROW: He said *damn*!! TOM: There goes the G rating for this fanfic. They must have expected that their queen gave them more power and experience with us," MIKE: [Peterson] Because we're the only ones gullible enough. Haruka said also known to me as Sailor Uranus in the future. Her girlfriend must be Michiru. TOM: That's nice... but WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!! MIKE: Calm down, Tom. we don't need your head exploding on us in this one. "Yes, but there are ways to defeat Queen Metallia still,"I said. Ami asked, "But how ?". CROW: [Ami] How is it that we have both our dub and Japanese names in the same fic?! I thought for a while thinking for what to say. MIKE: [Peterson] Duuuuhh... Peterson... form... sentence. I was afraid that if I told anything, it would cause time paradox's but I still needed to tell. TOM: It doesn't matter. By intruding into the past, you create a paradox anyway!! "As you know, the Silver Imperium Crystal is the most powerful object in the universe. The late Queen Serenity had died because of using the Crystal. MIKE: Remember, kids... drugs are bad for you!! To use the full powers of the Crystal without dying is to master the way to use it. High concentration for weeks are needed," CROW: [Mina/Minako] I know!! Those Magic Eye™ things are tough!! I explained. "So now you are telling us that only the Crystal can help us ! Why are you so sure Serena will not die ?"Darien shouted angrily. TOM: [Peterson] Because I am a smug self-insertion character, and you are but a marquee character! ALL: HUZZAH!!! "I am very sure because I have used it before and have trained Reeny how to do it partially."I said calmly. MIKE: [Peterson] You buy that? CROW: Unfortunately, being the inexperienced kid that she is, Reeny misuses the crystal, causes a temporal disruption, destroying both universes. The end. TOM: [Darth Vader] Welcome to the Dark Side, Crow. "What, that's impossible ! Only members of the Royal Family can use it," Ami said frustratedly. TOM: Oh, great... here it comes. MIKE: Peterson must be a Chris Caldwell groupie. CROW: So much for your earlier guess, Tom. "Yes, that is true but if a person can control and master the ways and the elements of the Crystal, it is possible to use it but the members of the Royal Family have the bloodline needed to do faster control. CROW: Yeah, okay. TOM: So anyone can use it, but those of the royal bloodline can use it faster... MIKE: Try not to make sense of it. You'll feel better. I meditated with the Crystal for two years to master how to use it," I explained again."So if you actually took two years, why should I can do it in a few weeks ?" ALL: Oooooh!! MIKE: Self-insertion author 2, Sailor Scouts 0! TOM: Sa-shay! Serena asked.(Sweatdrop time!)"Because you are a descendant of the Royal Family, stupid ! Didn't he already explain that !"Raye said exasperated. CROW: [Raye] Geez!!! You must be depriving a village somewhere of an idiot! "Don't call me stupid, stupid !"Serena shouted and both of them started their usual tongue fights. MIKE: I've lost count. Hasn't this happened in every episode? Then suddenly, a scream was heard near Amy's house. "Let's go there !" Darien shouted. TOM: [Darien] Looks like Marv Albert's moved in! CROW: That Darien! What a leader. ************** CROW: 14 stars? Somebody's been bribing the critics. MIKE: More like they were threatened... Once the senshi and the others reached the place where they heard the screams, they transformed. CROW: Woohoo! Pant shots! MIKE: Crow!!! They did not rattle out their usual speech since there was no Sailor Moon anywhere. Serena hid behind a tree and then transformed. Moon Eternal Power ! MIKE: Well... isn't Sailor Moon there now? TOM: Hush... Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus attacked first. After the lightning strike, CROW: Mother Nature went into arbitration with the lightning, hammering out a new contract. a long chain of hearts tied up a youma trying to drain life-force. It was decided that it was time to destroy the damned monster. MIKE: [Venus] Hmmm... he's a bad guy... and he's trapped... is it time to kill him? "Be quick Sailor Moon, eliminate it ! "the sailor senshi shouted. It was thought that the youma was destroyed since everyone shouted, TOM: Huh? Did we just miss a couple lines? They haven't done anything yet! CROW: Oh wow! Did you catch that fight scene? I've never seen anything so exciting since that last Koopa fanfic! "Yes, we won !". But no, the monster did not even get hurt. It then shouted, "Ha! Ha! A bad excuse for warriors ! Take this! " MIKE: And this and that and some more! CROW: Peterson's writing the Sailor Scouts *slightly* dumber than usual. The attack was EXTREMELY strong, since all the senshi including Tuxedo Mask dropped. I instantaneously remembered my mission and lauched a magical attack type Level 1. A bright white light was seen and the monster was destroyed. CROW: Did we cross over with Dungeons and Dragons somewhere? TOM: Wha? MIKE: It's self-insertion. Deal with it. ---------------------- CROW: I'm too bored to make a road joke. "What happened ? Why are we back in Amy's house," Setsuna asked. "All of you fainted when I lauched a magical attack at the monster that destroyed it," I explained trying to hide my pride. TOM: KILL HIM!! MIKE: Settle down, Tom... CROW: This guy is like Adam Chance. "Very funny. How could YOU destroy that monster when we could not ?"they asked simutaneously. MIKE: Here it comes. "Easy, I am more powerful than you all a few TRILLION times !"I answered exasperatedly. TOM: You know, he *is* a Saiya-jin now. CROW: Can we still smite him? MIKE: No, just his work. "Or else, how do you think I am the only SELF appointed general of Crystal Tokyo. "If you actually want to know, I am also the KING of the Imperial Government. I just stepped dow from being king of everything just to educate the descendents of the Royal Families," I continued. MIKE: [simulating walkie-talkie] We have full ego deploy... still climbing... "Yep, he's right. Queen Serenity and King Endymion explained it before," Diana the cat said.Luna and Artemis also seemed confused even though they were Diana's parents and was supposed to know. TOM: [Artemis & Luna] What the hell!!! This guy is worse than Oscar! "Hmm, I thought the Moon Kingdom Royal Family was already the most powerful kingdom in the solar system. How would I know there was an Imperial Government ?"Darien said. CROW: Don't you *get* it? It's a self-insertion fic!! "Maybe you would like to tell a story about it ?"Michiru asked. "Why not ?"I answered. MIKE: [Peterson] I want to pad the story!! ------------------------ TOM: [child] Are we there yet? CROW: [mother] No, dear. "During the past age, where the humans and other creatures had settled down and evil started running their schemes, MIKE: Other creatures? TOM: Yeah, like MadBalls. CROW: You know... stuff. a family known of its great qualities emerged and made a government out of the galaxy they were living in. CROW: Unfortunately, the dwarf star senators wouldn't propose any bills. TOM: And the black holes kept sucking in the planets left and right. After many good administration plans, the government expanded through out the universe. After a few milleniums, the whole universe had joined the Imperial Government which it was called. MIKE: YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. The family did not even try to proclaim to become the complete rulers. They did not even use the wealth given to them but the people and other members of the government forced them to use the wealth. It was decided that that family needed repayment. TOM: The hell? CROW: So... politics in Sailor Moon... kill me now. MIKE: Doesn't anyone know that combining those two elements is as good an idea as a Xena/ Sailor Moon crossover? The family was proclaimed the Royal Family and expanded.The Royal Family's heirs married other descendents of other royalties till the Royal Family was truly mixed. No one could complain that only one race was members of the Royal Family. MIKE: Huh? TOM: Sentence... not make... sense... Logic center... overloading... It was done so there was no jealousy. It is because that my father married the last of all royalties, the Mercurians and had me but after that, it was said that all descendents should marry their own cousins. CROW: Heh, heh... good ol' Southern lovin'!! TOM: [hillbilly voice] I like sleepin' wit' ma' cousins! Then the evil stuff came in when the leaders of the Evil MIKE: Stuff. CROW: Not just stuff, but *evil* stuff. Periphery started invading. They were defeated because of the great powers of the Supreme Star Crystal,the heirloom of the Imperial Government Royal Family. The evil people were locked up forever. But after time, the seal broke but the most powerful evil were already been destroyed due of long imprisonment without life force. CROW: [Peterson] You got all that? TOM: This is one hell of a flashback! A bunch of words that mean nothing! The evil leaders tried to bring revenge on us but repeatedly failed. The evil sects got more weaker and weaker until now. MIKE: [Peterson] After that, they were easily snicker-snagged. After that, the Imperial Government Royal Family proclaimed that they would break up the Imperial Government and now all galaxies would have to rule on their own so that the rulers could get more experience in complete ruling.The Supreme Star Crystal was given to its last heir,me." I said completing my story. MIKE: Thank goodness. CROW: They'd better move outside, since Peterson's ego probably won't be able to fit in the house. "Wow, I almost couldn't believe it but with Diana's confirmation, I will. I still don't believe the 'morphing into a girl' part. TOM: It's a crossover with Power Rangers!! ALL: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I still don't know why you would settle becoming a teacher and a Lord General when could be king since the Imperial Government breakup ?. CROW: [Peterson] Naw, just giving myself enough time to bask in the self- insertion. MIKE: Oh man! What a stink! All the governments would join your ranks,"Lita asked."It was the rules. I was suppose to be a teacher to all royalty descendents so they would be able to become great leaders. MIKE: [Peterson] Or total chunkheads, either or. I just did not train you or the others before you because I had to complete a long journey to learn about some lost information and also to make plans to teach. It was so difficult just to obtain the lost data, "I explained. TOM: Maybe you should obtain some spaces for your quote marks. They're being smothered! CROW: How can he learn anything with only two brain cells? "So, how did you teach Reeny ? She did not tell anyone about you,"Serena said. "Oh, you don't want to know. This is quite embarassing for me but I will tell you. Once I actually morphed into a small girl and became friends with her but I told her about it eventually. CROW: NOOOO!! He's now a sex-changing self-insertion author! MIKE & TOM: ARRRRGGGHHHH!! Wow, it was a learning experience. Luckily I had time to watch the actions of small girls to know how to act.," TOM: [Peterson] For example, I learned that I could no longer stand up to pee. MIKE: Tom... CROW: I swear, if this crosses over with Ranma, I'm leaving! I explained embarassed. Everyone laughed louder than the world would. CROW: Than the world would? The hell? TOM: Don't think about it. Look what that does to me. "Yes, all of you can stop laughing now. I am embarassed enough. Serena, I will start teaching you to control the Silver Imperium Crystal tomorrow. So who am I suppose to stay with ?"I asked. MIKE: How about a wolverine, and we dunk you in honey first? CROW: Yeesh! *************** TOM: Someone's straightened out the East River Walkway!! I was taken to Lita's home condominium. MIKE: I thought it was an apartment. CROW: Details, details. During the walk to the lif, the landlord came and asked, TOM: [landlord] Want some *Jif*? MIKE: Tom, that was terrible. TOM: Well, it rhymes. "Oh, before I forget. Did you pay your rent yet?" "Just great, how could I forget that ? Here, I will give you a check," Lita said. After she signed the check, I got a glimpse of the amount before it was given to the landlord. CROW: [Peterson] ¥100? No wonder there's roaches! *What the hell! 1 million yen. How did she get this kind of money* TOM: Probably the same place you got power trillions of times greater than that of the Scouts. After arriving inside her apartment, I went for a bath. After taking it, I changed to casual clothing inside the package I brought. MIKE: [Peterson] Let me tell you, getting into those cardboard boxes is harder than it looks! It was sealed so that no one could open it.*Good, I hope no one tries anyway*. CROW: Nobody will, "Mr. Limpy". MIKE: Crow... "Hey, come and help me cook !"Lita shouted from the kitchen. I ran into the kitchen and saw that she was cooking. "Okay, what am I supposed to help with ?"I asked. TOM: [Lita] Can you stick your head in this oven? I want to test the pilot light. "Fry the vegetables. I would like to see how you cook anyway,"Lita exclaimed. (Lita thinking *I would not count into eating the vegetables anyway*) I then fried the vegetables. CROW: [Peterson] To this day, I can't figure out how they got E coli poisoning. "Mmm, this is delicious. You are even better than me,"Lita said. "Nope, this is just because I have had more experience. The future Lita is much better than me,"I explained. She then starts to speak but hesitates,"Can you ...tell me anything about my future self ?" MIKE: [Peterson] Well, since I am the all-powerful self-insertion character, you die penniless in a dumpster. *I could tell her something but not everything* "Okay, what would you like to ask about ?"I asked her. TOM: [Lita] Do I have to meet anal-retentive pricks like you in the future? **************** *That was close. I almost blurted out everything.* During the Q&A session during dinner, she almost took out everything I knew. The clothes I wore changed by my mind order. This was one of the good stuff. CROW: [Peterson] However, this was *nothing* compared to the *T&A* session later... MIKE: Stop right there, Crow. I woke up the next morning at seven o'clock. My fast exit awakened Lita and she asked, "Why so early ?" "I have to wake Serena. She has a training session coming up. I know she is a klutz. I was told specially about that," I explained. TOM: Oh, for fun!! Even as he is all-powerful, he still has to demean the current scouts!! When I reached her house, I knocked on the door. Serena's mother was already awake. She opened the door and asked who I was. I said, "I am Serena's new friend. I need to wake her up for a training session." She shrugged not confident with my objectives. MIKE: [Serena's mom] I mean, Darien takes her out for "training" all the time... why would she need more? I ran up to her room and knocked the door. CROW: And all I heard was this thumping noise... MIKE: Don't go no further then that, young man. Since no one answered, I entered the room. It was a nice and cosy room but I expected more from the young Queen Serenity. Even though, Queen Serenity is modest about her ornaments, she still has taste. I saw Serena and Reeny sleeping. I shaked them and shouted in their ears, "Wake up !" CROW: [Peterson] Time for school... TOM: [Serena] I'm late!! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Both of them simutaneously said the same thing, "A little more sleep. I won't be late, mama." *Time to use harder ways* I then charged my hand with electro-static energy and touched both girls. ALL: BOOOOOO!! TOM: He's running up the electric bill! They woke up with a jolt. "What !"they shouted. Then they saw me and asked, "What now ?" MIKE: [Serena] You're interfering with my morning scthick!!! "Time for both of your training,remember ,"I explained. They then murmured and changed. Then, all of us went down. The girls and their family started eating breakfast. Ikuko-mama asked me, "Have you eaten ?" "Yes, I have eaten"I lied. MIKE: That is some description there. Guess he wants to get back to the basking in ego as soon as possible. TOM: Man, her cooking must be like C-ko's. CROW: It's interesting how Peterson combines the dub and anime names. After breakfast, I took Serena and Reeny to a park and shielded it with energy and cloaking shields. Then, I telephaticly summoned the other senshi. "What the hell !"Raye shouted when she heard my telephatic message.The still sleeping senshi were awakened by the telephatic message. MIKE: Yes, you established that already. TOM: This guy's use of special power is obscene already!! CROW: Like David Gonterman, minus the political rants. The park itself was as though it was empty even though I and the two girls were there. The emphatic-shields were working fine to do a specific mind control job on anyone tempted to go to the park even near it. ALL: Of course. CROW: Unfortunately, someone rolled an 18 on intelligence and found the Scouts training... They arrived in thirty minutes. After walking into the park, Hotaru wailed, "What are we doing here at 7.30 in the morning ?" "Please, I hope to start the training immediately and one of the conditions is to wake up early. Is that understandable ?"I said. "Yes, sir ,"they answered mockingly. TOM: [scouts] *&%^#&^% self insertion author!!! Physical training was easy for Sailor Uranus and Jupiter but the rest were normal except for Serena. She was not very good in physical training as I knew. MIKE: Yeah, well who asked you? I called Serena to come to a corner which I was standing at and asked her to take out the Silver Imperium Crystal, "I am going to start training you to control the Crystal so please pay attention !"I told her. CROW: [Serena] What? I didn't hear you! I wasn't paying attention! MIKE & TOM: D'oh! "You'll have to concentrate onto the Crystal to tap the power source before using the power for a task. This will enable you to use the power of the Crystal without draining your life force which can kill. Start concentrating now !"I explained quite rapidly. TOM: Slow down before she kills herself, Petey. She then started concentrating. It was quite easy to tap the power but not totally gripping the power of the Crystal properly. her face was drained of colour after her concentration. MIKE: Guest starring Linda Evans as Serena. She kept trying anyway. After a few hours, which went past quite fast, she actually got it. A temporary total tap on the Crystal's power amd the power to harness it. TOM: Yeah, okay. MIKE: I've got the power... power... power... Darien took her and said,"Rest, Serena. You look real tired." Even though I was considerate, I still had to continue mental training. "Sorry, she can rest but the rest of you will continue mental training." CROW: [Raye, aside] Yeah, I knew her *mental* workout would only take 1 minute! Darien said, "What, we are tired you know ! Can you let us rest ?" "Please continue this. First lessons must be completed with mental training. It is a regulation. Anyway, the only thing you would need to do is some meditation and a dreamscape training procedure. MIKE: A what? TOM: [muttered] ...damn technobabble. After they were briefed on how to do the meditation, they CROW: ...were *de*briefed!! MIKE: Crow... CROW: What? sat down and meditated for thirty minutes. The senshi felt like they were sleeping. It was so relaxing. It was actually like heaven after the physical training. Then suddenly, they were awakened after the allocated time. TOM: Okay!! Who the hell is this guy, huh? Who died and made him lord of all he surveys. MIKE: Nobody died... and himself. "Okay, that's finished but I do not know why I feel refreshed," Ami said. "The meditation clears your stress and also helps you relieve tiredness. Now, you will start to enter a dreamscape.Prepare for ANY SITUATION !" TOM: [Vegeta] Prepare to be... SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!! ************ In Rei's Dreamscape CROW: You can't run Java applets. Rei appeared in ancient China, in a village. Then, she felt herself whipped. She looked up and saw a Chinese General named Lu-Bu. TOM: Come on, Peterson! He's not even trying now! MIKE: Now what does this have to do with anything? Does he hate Sailor Mars? CROW: This is all some sick little fantasy he's playing out now. She remembered all this because of her Chinese history books she read last year. *Just great, why do I end up to a psycho-general and in ancient China. And also being whipped as as slave.* MIKE: A slight knock on China's communist system? You make the call. "Serve me, get me my food, slave or else ...." Lu-Bu said. Rei tried transforming but failed so she had to follow. "Yes," she said terrified."Say it again," Lu-Bu shouted. CROW: [Lu-Bu] S-E-G-A. "Yes,master," she said. She found the food lying on a wooden table and took it to the Chinese general. TOM: [Rei] Your fried panda meat, sir... She didn't think she would actually do this. It seem too real. Everything could be touched, broken and any other thing you would like to do. After feeding the general, she saw that he slept....(Author's comment - Not like you think it is !) MIKE: Like what? CROW: He must think that we think he had sex with Rei. MIKE: That was shallow. In Ami's Dreamscape TOM: All .gifs are displayed as blurred squares. "What, impossible. How could I not pass that enrollment exam to the university ?,"Ami shouted without even realising that she was already in dreamscape. She then dropped the phone. CROW: In the bathtub, electrocuting herself, the end. MIKE: Why so dark, Crow? After a few minutes, she then remembered and that restored her confidence. She then started scanning and checking this dimension. She got an answer after a few hours. TOM: Your request has taken longer than expected. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to restart. The Ami in this dreamscape that she had taken over had not studied and was as carefree as Serena. CROW: Run that by me again? MIKE: Let's not and say we did. She actually FAILED in the enrollment test. TOM: *INTENSE* *PLOT* *TWISTS*!!! She had hope in passing that enrolment exam since she had burned the midnight oil every day. On the exam, it actually seemed EASY. She still cound not believe that she could ever fail even though in any other alternate realities unless it was set up. No one that I know can set up a dream except Wiseman which they had defeated. CROW: Yeah, sure. TOM: COMMAS!!! PERIODS!!! USE SOME YOU IDIOT!!! MIKE: Calm down, Tom! She still hoped that she could get out of the dreamscape. She did not want to feel the failure ... MIKE: [Ami/Amy] I *will* beat the last level of Mega Man! In Lita's Dreamscape TOM: Opening an AVI causes a General Protection Fault in KERNEL386.EXE . 'Where am I ?' she thought. She found herself in empty space, somewhere in a zone which she was an observer. An observer of other's HAPPINESS. She didn't actually have a family anymore. Only Serena and Ami have active families. Rei only had her granpa. CROW: [Rei] Oh, great... I hope he doesn't cop a feel on me. MIKE: Crow... CROW: What? It's what he'll probably do! She now saw Darien and Serena together in the main park. She tried not to think about it since she knew that this was only a dreamscape which was always entered by living beings when sleeping. 'How could that general build an alternate dreamscape. He must be powerful.' she thought. TOM: [Rei] Not only that, he can combine us with our dub counterparts! MIKE: No, it's just sloppy copyediting. Then, she saw them TOGETHER. Really near. She held back tears. Now she remembered the past. Her family died. She had no one. She had a boyfriend of course. Ken, the Jupiter Knight. He was in China, trough an exchange program. He was scheduled to be back in a month. CROW: On work release. Then, another situation arised. Serena was with her family on the beach. They were having fun. This time she couldn't stand it. She cried .... TOM: [Rei, crying] Why do I have to be in this crappie fanfic?!! *sob* In Mina's Dreamscape MIKE: The default opening site is "http://ditz.sailormoon.org/~mina" She appeared somewhere in England that she knew quite well. After a while, she realised that she had transformed to her old self, Sailor V. There were many reporters and fans running towards her. "What the hell !" CROW: [Mina] They're making it *my* fault for destroying the space-time continuum! she shouted. She then ran away from the area but the crowd kept following her. *Haaaa ! Help ! Why can't they stop ? Are they superhuman or what ?* TOM: No, just obsessed. Being a Sailor Scout, you should know all about fanboys. MIKE: Tom... pot... kettle... black. TOM: [mumbles incoherently] It was an endless run. CROW: Logan? The crowd still kept following and asking for autographs and photographs with her. She did not want to end up as mince meat ...... TOM: Potted meat, though, was looking pretty good. In Serena and Darien's Dreamscape MIKE: The program copies itself automatically on startup, and then sends a copy of itself at random to someone on your e-mail list. She appeared in a meeting with Darien. He was very angry and demanded to stop the marraige. Darien was suprised after he said those things. He did not even know why she scolded her. CROW: Neither do I. TOM: This could be interesting. She was just too innoccent to harm. He then ran to somewhere which Serena did not see and started thinking. MIKE: [Darien] Daaaahhh... my brain hurts! Even though the general had asked them to be ready for any situation, she still cried. She never expected that Darien would someday dump her and right on the MARRAIGE ceremony. CROW: What a jerk. TOM: Serena later found out that Darien was going out with Mina and Makato... MIKE: Tom... She ran off to where she taught was home. TOM: The return of Oscar. MIKE: No, that's "tought". CROW: I taught I taw a puddy tat! Once near the front door of her supposed house in the dreamscape, she was scolded by her father,"Get the hell away from here. How dare you leave with that jerk ?". CROW: [Serena's father] I know you're not the brightest bulb on the tree, but *him*? She then collapsed on the floor .... TOM: [Serena] That's the last time I eat Akane's potato salad. In Haruka and Michiru's Dreamscape MIKE: All HTML brackets are replaced with smilies. CROW: I think we've run that joke into the ground. She had just awakened from a nightmare. Even though she realised she never had this nightmares before, her brain encouraged her to believe that. TOM: [brain] You can do it!! MIKE: Who's brain? Michiru woke up instantly after Haruka awakened. "You must have had the same nightmares again. What happened this time ?"she said patiently. Michiru herself didn't know why she said that. It was like someone implanted it in her brain. CROW: Could someone implant some *smarts* into their brains, too? She didn't remember Haruka having nightmares after seeing the psychiatrist last year. She knew that her lover and got rid of the nightmares. MIKE: This reads like Dr. Thinker, occasionally... TOM: Ehhhh? CROW: Suggested lesbian undertones, I guess. TOM: That, and Haruka's "issues". Haruka just blurted out what she remembered before Michiru finished thinking, "We were both in the dining room. Then, suddenly a monster emerged from nowhere and attacked us. Then, a big projectile was in sight and locked on to you. I just saw you die there !" Haruka cried in Michiru's hands....... MIKE: [Haruka] You still owed me $1.15!! ************ Quite disturbed, I thought why I could not think of a dreamscape for Hotaru. She just had all the experiences I wanted for her to experience. Maybe next time I will find a dreamscape for her to be in. CROW: [Peterson] Nudge, nudge, wink, wink... Hotaru was just lying down sleeping soundly. TOM: With visions of... no, what am I saying? ************ The sailor senshi suddenly woke up in the middle of their dreamscapes. "Why did you have to give me that dreamscape ?"Lita shouted angrily and sobbing. "What, you got those sad situations too ? "Serena asked. Each and one of them started conferring in loud voices. MIKE: [Sailor Scouts] We HATE SELF-INSERTION AUTHORS!!! I spoke up, "I am sorry but I had to know the level of your fears. I thought you would have had better resistance since you all knew it was just a dreamscape,". The group started calming down and asked if the training was complete. They appologised for their behaviour and returned home. CROW: Yeah, right. TOM: [Serena] So... how can we become more experienced and stronger by seeing images that make us wet 'em? I went seperately to a exquisite restaurant. There, I found and empty table and sat down. After ordering my food, I relaxed and listened to the music played. MIKE: Because nobody wanted to sit with him. I paid the bill for the meal after finished eating. My computer must have generated money for my stay here, I thought. CROW: Just keep the God complex coming, Peterson. ************** I used my enhanced teleportation skills to reach Lita's house. There, I saw her sleeping on the couch. *She looks beautiful. Just like her future self. I hope they will survive trough this. TOM: [Peterson] So I can torture them more later!! *chortle* I sat down and projected a few screens of tactical maps. I had to start planning to attack the enemy base since my time limit is running out. The main enemy base situated and coordinates ALPHA-2 were heavily fortified. Even trying to go a kilometer's reach to the base would be dangerous. CROW: Must have a '75 Pinto. Queen Beryl might already know of my arrival and that we were going to attack. I thought to myself, "My magic alone could destroy anything. I just wished I did not need to follow time lines. Having to let the senshi alone defeat Beryl and the rest of the Negaverse. TOM: [Peterson, maniacal] *I'M* THE GOD!!! *I'M* THE GOD!!! I then smelled a peculiar odour which I reconized. MIKE: [Peterson] That's the last time I eat enchiladas and burritos. I stood up and saw two youma behind me. They had dropped a few Negaversal Gas Bombs. TOM: Hooray!! With luck they'll destroy the self-inserted general!! Lita had already woke up and transformed when she smelled the gas. I put on a shield surrounding her to prevent and gas or projectiles to hurt her. CROW: [Peterson] As the self-inserted character... I decide who lives and dies. MIKE: This guy is certainly exploring the possibilities of self-insertion. TOM: He must be making Chris Caldwell ashamed of himself. Lita called the rest using her communicator, "Hurry, two youma has appeared in my house." I attacked the youma with a few attack spells which easily neutralised them. TOM: [Peterson] Let me tell you... never before did a binge at Taco Bell come in handier! Lita was complaining because it was so easy. But that was not the case. Ten more youma appeared in the house and started attacking. MIKE: A self-inserted character who is challenging himself? Odd. CROW: If we wish *real*, maybe they'll kill him... Suddenly, the door to the house opened and a few humans appeared. They attacked the youma to the death. The last two youma were strangled to death by my Snake Encircle Attack. CROW: Oh yeah. Right. Of course. "Hmmph, if you were to stay here forever. This world would be exterminated of all evil beings. It's just no fun !"they complained. ****************** ALL: WHAT?! MIKE: Who the hell are they anyway? Serena today went out with Darien to buy some clothes. They went to the Blaton Mall. "The clothes here looks nice. Let go in." said Serena. Darien thinking, "Just great. Wasting my time here and also wasting my money. At least she doesn't spend so much anymore." CROW: [Darien] This is not Serena!! "Why not,"Darien replied and then both of them entered the shop. They emerged out of the shop after buying a few clothes. They proceeded to return home. Darien looked at Serena. Darien thought, "She is beautiful. I think I better propose marraige to her. But first I'll have to buy a ring.* MIKE: [Darien] A ring, a ring... a marvelous thing! ****************** The next day, the senshi and Darien appeared again at the park. Physical tests and training were already familliarized even though this was just their second training session. Mental training was much more difficult, none of them wanted to repeat the dreamscape. ALL: [Sailor Scouts] It SUCKS!! "Okay, let's say if I designed a happy dreamscape. Would you all go in then ?"I said. They thought for a while and said, "Why not, General ?". I felt rather strange when they called me General. The last time a friend and student called me that, she died. TOM: [livid] Okay, "General Peterson"... that's enough!! Your ego-inflation has got to stop now, you stupid, worthless... MMMMPPPHHH!!! MIKE: TOM!! Settle down!!! *FLASHBACK* ALL: NOOOOO!!! Ariri went to the training center first and I followed. Then suddenly, I heard a scream. Hearing it, I ran quickly toward her. TOM: [Peterson] She had slit her wrists to avoid being in this fic. "Haha, your student will be dead in minutes from now. The draining process is very fast now,"a humanoid shaped monster shouted. "Help, General !"Ariri whispered. MIKE: Ariri must be Molly... the Official Power Source of the Negaverse! "How dare you ?"I shouted and shot a few of my most powerful attack spells to get rid of the monster and ran towards Ariri. She was already dead when I reached there. That was the last time I cried. CROW: [Peterson] I vowed to get my revenge by inserting myself into my fanfics! *END OF FLASHBACK* ALL: WHEW! I just could not stand that memory. CROW: We can't stand this *fanfic*. It was too saddening. One of my best students dying in front of my eyes. Thinking what I did after that, I smiled. At least the whole damn evil Sinxverse was destroyed in revenge. TOM: What's a Sinxverse? MIKE: I don't know. "General, what are you doing ? Are we going to continue this or what?"Haruka said. "Yes, and don't call me general.f Call me Peter," I said. TOM: [Peterson] Or better yet... ALL-POWERFUL LORD OF ALL HE SURVEYS!! CROW: I sense the faint odor of Marrisa Picard around here... "Fine," they chorused. "Okay , when I said happy. Maybe this dreamscape will be too happy." I said. MIKE: [Peterson] I want 'em to suffer a bit! ***************** After that lesson, I went home with Lita. I decided to find myself another house to live in so I would not disturb Lita. She actually did not agree since Ken was away for an exchange course in Australia. TOM: So she needs a little male "company", heh, heh. CROW: Stop stealing my lines! She had hopes that I will stay so I would actually help her in the HOUSEWORK. CROW: [Peterson] I can't do that! *I'm* the self-inserted character! MIKE: I don't give a damn! Now get to work you lazy bum! The next morning, I went to a jewellery store to ask for as job. Just for fun anyway but my instincts told be differently. It was like the shop was surrounded with evil vibes. I had to check this out. How would I know if it was controlled by the Negaverse ? CROW: Use your Spidey-sense. MIKE: Shameless Marvel plug # 1. I then entered and asked for a job. I felt myself scanned magicly by the manager there. Luckily I cloaked my powers with shields. They agreed instantly after knowing that I was a normal human. The manager thinking, "This guy has a lot of energy. We will have lot of time to take it." MIKE: Of course. TOM: Just smile and nod, guys. ***************** ------------------------------------------------------------------ TOM: Construction delays on the Beltway...use alternate routes. End for NOW. You can send your e-mail at general_p@hotmail.com or visit my webpage and sign my guestbook at www.geocities.com/ Tokyo/Pagoda/2790. MIKE: Let's not and say we did. CROW: Self-insertion is EVIL! EVIL!!! TOM: I hate this guy!!! Can't he just leave the sailor Senshi alone? MIKE: Come on guys. Lets go. (DOOR SEQUENCE) 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... "Wow. Usually, I'm the one that nearly breaks down into tears whenever an author goes horribly wrong in a fanfic," Crow remarked, watching the still blubbering Tom. "It's just so evil..." Tom said in-between sobs. "Luckily, it'll be a little while before the next one comes. He'll be okay by then," Mike said, holding a RAM chip up to Tom's mouth. "Thanks," the depressed red robot said, biting into the chip. The red light started to flash and Mike tapped it. "What do you want," he snapped, feeling a bit irritated. DEEP 13 "My my! Still sane *and* a bit fiesty! I guess the next part of Time Change will have to be sent," Dr. Forrester said. Behind him, TV's Frank was wiping the last bit of chocolate cake off his face, and his stomach was pressing outwards against his black suit. "Frank! Push the button!" Nodding, the assistant pushed the button. BLIP!!! FWWWWWOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!! \ / \ / \ / 0 / \ / \ / \ "Snap at me will he? I'll make him sorry," Dr. Forrester said. ________________________________________________________________________ Send any C & C for Jamie Jeans to: xwing@uniserve.com Send any C & C for Seth C. Triggs to: trigsc41@buffalostate.edu