*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON FOUR) EPISODE 38: ASUKA VS. GODZILLA (A Neon Genesis Evangelion MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. “Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it. “Neon Genesis Evangelion” is the property of GAINAX Animation. “Asuka Vs. Godzilla” is the property of Austin Covello and he’s welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;) (Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last Sunday BC There was this girl named Sakura Quite different from you or me She captured Clow Cards with her friends All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens They tried to save the human race, But Eriol lost his patience So he shot them into space!!!! Sakura: (Hoeeee……) Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?) We'll send them crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) They'll have to sit and read them all And we'll monitor their minds (lalala) Now keep in mind they can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because, let’s face it, after all Eriol’s not really their friend; CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL: Meiling: 'HI-KEEBA!!’ Tomoyo: 'Oh-hohohohohohoho!!!' Syaoran: 'I do NOT blush! (blushes)' KEROOOOOOO!!! 'I am the guardian of the hell!!' If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax Sakura: (Did I mention Aeris is here?) Aeris: (Booyaka! Oh, wait. Wrong character.) For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!! ** THE SATELLITE OF LOVE 17:35 Hours Sixteen year old Sakura Kinomoto and her companions; Syaoran Li, Tomoyo Daidouji, Meiling Li, Kero-Chan and Yue, all sat around a large table with their noses buried in various volumes of CLAMP’s “Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle”. It was rare for the passengers of the Satellite of Love to get decent reading material, so they had found ways of smuggling things in without alerting their evil captor, Eriol Hiiragizawa. Yue raised an eyebrow. “How come my other half gets an appearance and I don’t?” “Count yourself lucky,” Kero grumbled “I didn’t appear at all in that first volume.” Meiling glanced up from her copy. “I thought that flaming beast thing was supposed to be you.” Kero paused. “I thought that was the lion thing from the Rayearth OAVS.” “Don’t mention those,” said Syaoran. “I just ate.” Aeris Gainsborough, the satellite’s temporary addition, wandered in. “Hey, everybody! What are you reading?” She picked up one of the manga volumes “CLAMP, huh? Should’ve guessed.” She flipped through the book. “What’s this one about?” “Well,” Sakura began. “It’s sort of an alternate universe thing. I’m a princess and Syaoran is an archeologist.” “Archeologist?” said Aeris. “Then Sakura gets blasted by a magic thingie in a ruin and a bunch of feathers that make up all her memories get blown away into different dimensions,” Kero added. “Yukito informs him that he has to retrieve the feathers or Sakura will die,” said Tomoyo. “So Yukito sends him to a witch who is a character from xxxholic who can give him the power to travels through worlds so he can go get the feathers back.” “But the witch tells him that her price for this power is Sakura’s memories of him,” Kero went on. “So even if he saves her, she won’t remember him.” “He decides to go anyway,” said Tomoyo. “And he ends up carrying Sakura everywhere.” “He teams up with a ninja banished from his home dimension by Princess Tomoyo,” said Kero. “Princess Tomoyo?!” Aeris said. “And a weird lanky wizard guy who created a new revisionist version of Chii from Chobits,” said Tomoyo. “Then the witch gives them Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth, who can talk now for some reason,” Kero continued. “And they end up at a hotel run by Sorata and Arashi from X.” Aeris blinked. “Sounds complicated…” “You could say that,” said Yue. “Personally, I like it a lot,” said Meiling. The others stared at her. “You?!” said Kero. “You didn’t show up at all.” “But it’s filled with my dashing cousin!” said Meiling. “He finally gets to be the hero of his own manga!” Syaoran rolled his eyes. “Oh, please… It isn’t about me.” “You could have fooled me,” said Tomoyo with a smirk. “You seem to come off as quite the hero in this story, Li-kun.” Syaoran blushed slightly as Tomoyo continued. “I mean, for a large portion of this story, Sakura is just lying unconscious in your arms.” Syaoran blushed further. “Geez… You two sure blush a lot,” said Aeris glancing back and forth between Sakura and Syaoran. “Are you two not getting enough *alone time* together?” Sakura and Syaoran blushed, Tomoyo giggled madly, Meiling and Yue twitched and Kero scowled. “What?” Aeris asked. Just then a light on the control console flashed. “Uh-oh…” said Tomoyo. “Negi Springfield is calling.” ** DEEP 13 The evil Dr. Eriol Hiiragizawa raised an eyebrow. “Negi Springfield?” he said aloud. He turned to his two assistants TV’s Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun. “We’ve got to pry the boss away from his manga collection” he muttered to them before turning his attention back to his captives. “Well, ladies, guardians and my cute little descendant…” Syaoran growled at this, eliciting a smirk from Eriol. “We’ve been a tad busy here in Deep 13 lately. We’ve got a visitor here today from Tecmo Software here.” He gestured to a tall, well built young lady with short disheveled lilac colored hair dressed in a dark purple business suit. “Isn’t that Ayane from ‘Dead or Alive’?” asked Kero. “You would know,” Syaoran muttered. Ayane cast a brief cold stare at the group before continuing to wander about the lab. “What’s she doing there?” Tomoyo asked. “Apparently several ‘Dead or Alive’ male characters have gone missing,” said Ruby Moon. “Not that anyone else noticed, I’m sure.” “Actually,” Ayane interjected. “They took off when they found out Tecmo was going to cancel their contracts.” “Why is that?” Spinel Sun inquired. “Well, after the success of our volleyball game, Tecmo decided they could make more money by ditching all the males and using the rest of the budget to by more outfits for the rest of us,” Ayane explained. “I have orders to terminate any of them that resist.” “That seems harsh,” said Ruby Moon. “Killed anyone yet?” Eriol asked. “Just Jann Lee,” Ayane replied. “He put up a fight?” Spinel Sun asked. “Nah. Just on general principles,” said Ayane. Eriol sweatdropped. “Didn’t anyone object?” “Just Leifang,” said Ayane. “But she shut up when she found out she was getting a new evening gown out of it.” “That’s cold,” said Ruby Moon. “That’s life,” Ayane replied. “Actually the Bruce Lee estate paid handsomely to have him rubbed out.” “Excuse me,” said Kero. “But does that mean that you’d kill your brother if he didn’t give up his slot.” “Brother?” said Ayane. “Yeah. You know, Hayate or Ein or whatever he’s calling himself now,” said Kero. “I mean, he’s Kasumi’s brother and you’re her half-sister right? So that means he’s your brother too, doesn’t it?” Ayane pondered this. “But I thought he was the guy Kasumi and I were fighting ove-- Ewwww… Now that’s just *wrong*. Ruby Moon muttered something about incestuous sluts under her breath. “Great,” Ayane grumbled. “Now I feel icky all over.” Eriol sweatdropped again. “Anyway… Your experiment this week is in the tradition of ‘Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godizilla’. In fact, I believe one of you suggested it.” Eriol smirked. “It’s called ‘Asuka Vs. Godzilla’.” “Hoeee…” said Sakura. Ayane suddenly glared suspiciously at Sakura’s image on the viewscreen. “Do I know you?” she asked. “Ahh… I don’t think so,” Sakura replied. “Are you sure?” said Ayane, narrowing her eyes. “Your voice sounds familiar…” Eriol sighed. “Put the hurt on them, Ruby Moon.” “Yorokonde!” said Ruby Moon cheerfully as she fed the fanfic into the computer. ** THE SATELLITE OF LOVE “I wonder what that was all about,” said Aeris. “Search me…” said Syaoran. Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out. “OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out. (Door 6: It’s a giant Clow card. Sakura changes it into a Sakura card and it disappears.) (Door 5: It’s a labyrinth. You smash through it with Kaho’s bell.) (Door 4: It’s a waterfall. You freeze it and smash through.) (Door 3: It’s a giant box of living plushies. It tips over and the plushies run off giggling.) (Door 2: It’s a Venetian blind. You spend five minutes trying to get it to roll up before cutting through it with scissors.) (Door 1: It’s made of concrete. The plushies come back with construction equipment and reduce it to dust.) (Door .7: The camera pans downward to a teleporter pad. You step onto it and are suddenly surrounded by bright light.) Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Aeris are teleported directly into their seats while Kero-Chan floats overhead. >From: "boyfriend_of_hikaru " Tomoyo: hikaru shidou has a boyfriend now?! Sakura: Don’t even joke about that. >Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Asuka Versus Godzilla Aeris: From the people who brought you ‘Marvel Vs. Capcom’ and ‘Freddy Vs. Jason’. Kero: Man, first that Jupiter girl kicks my ass and now a German redheaded psychopath. Someone call my agent. >Asuka Versus Godzilla Syaoran: Yes. We established that. Thank you. >Neon Genesis: Evangelion OFF series #1 Aeris: Hey! Who shut the Magi system off?! >By Austin Covello Sakura: And his brother, San Antonio. >Based on the characters created by GAINAX. Tomoyo: Godzilla was created by GAINAX? > "Oh come on! Give me a break!" cried Asuka Langley Soryu. All: Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar! >She, Shinji, and Rei were at Misato's condo, watching some old Twentieth >Century tripe that was on TV called "Godzilla vs. Mothra." Syaoran: God help her if they ever watch “Manos: The Hands Of Fate”. Kero: Or “Eegah”. Sakura: And we won’t even mention “Hercules Vs. The Moon Men”. >People back then must have been easily amused. Kero: That dog has a puffy tail!! Aeris: Thank God we live in the twenty-first century now where we’re entertained by “Survivor”, “Jackass” and “American Idol”. Syaoran: Ouch! >What were the ratings for it now, though? A zero point three? Tomoyo: Hey! It’s still better than “Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever”. Sakura: True. >Of course, that didn't stop that idiot >Shinji Ikari from getting into it. Syaoran: Go, Makoto! Zap him good! Kero: Oh no! Quickly, Soldier 2! Run for it! > "Yeah! That's it! Slug that moth!" he cried, cheering Godzilla. >"Isn't this great?" he asked Rei Ayanami, whom he had invited over. Tomoyo: Well, it’s better than dealing with your alter-ego, Hank. Aeris: Huh? Tomoyo: Never mind… Sakura: When did Shinji get so uppity? > Rei, on the other hand, was intensely examining a kernel of >popcorn as if she didn't know what it was for. Hadn't she *ever* eaten >popcorn and watched old movies before? No, Asuka realized, probably >not. Kero: Hell… Take another look at her apartment and ask that again. Syaoran: Poor Rei… I wonder if she has anything she can do at home besides stare at the walls. > Rei sniffed at the kernel. "I don't understand this part," she >said. She didn't whine, she didn't ask for an explanation, she simply >stated it as a matter of fact. Aeris: In other words, the way Rei normally talks. Sakura: Why aren’t their mouths moving in sync with their voices? > That wouldn't stop Asuka from putting in *her* two yen worth, >though. Syaoran: Do yen even *come* in denominations that low? >"It's called 'popcorn,' Rei," she said mock sweetly. "You put >it in your little mouth, chew it up good so you don't *choke*, and >swallow it." Tomoyo: That would be a good approach to this fanfic. Aeris: I don’t think this one is going to be easy to swallow. > Major Misato Katsuragi came into the room with a tray of drinks: Kero: And nothing else on her. Woo-hoo! >Beer for herself, Sakura: Big surprise. >tea for Shinji, Tomoyo: So *that’s* why he seems so weird. Syaoran: Tea! I need more tea! Hahahahahahahahahahaahahaha! >coke for Asuka, Kero: Misato’s giving her drugs?! Aeris: Excuse me, Mr. Author, but there’s a thing called a proper noun. Try using it *correctly* next time. >and mineral water for Rei. "This is great!" she enthused. "I remember seeing the old '97 >American version in the movie theater when I was a kid! It was awesome! >Godzilla was stomping everything in sight!" Syaoran: Uh-huh… Sakura: Several of the actors reminded me of characters on “The Simpsons”. I wonder why. Kero: I always remind myself that no matter how crappy the originals were, they didn’t suck half as bad as the American “Godzilla”. > "Misato, are you drunk?" asked Asuka. "We've got our own version >of this in real life! Angels are bad enough without adding giant lizards >into the mix." Tomoyo: Yeah. Just imagine the mess of all the skin they would shed. Sakura: Eeww… > "I don't know," said Shinji. "Watching a giant kimodo dragon >stomp Tokyo flat is pretty fun. Besides, I don't think even an Eva >could take Godzilla." Syaoran: Yeah, God’s emissaries of Armageddon are noting compared to a big mutant rubber lizard. > "Are you *nuts*?" shrilled Asuka. "My Unit 02 would make >mincemeat out of that reject from Jurassic Park. And every Angel we've >ever beaten makes him look like Barney!" Kero: I love you! You love me! > "She's right," Misato said to Rei. Rei nodded. Aeris: And there’s also the fact that angels tend to explode. > "Not with the way *you* pilot," countered Shinji. All: Ooooohhh… Syaoran: I hope you weren’t too attached to those teeth, Shinji. > "He's right," Misato said to Rei. Rei nodded. Sakura: And who would you give my place to? Touji the armless wonder? Aeris: She’s right. > "Are you trying to say all of those Angels weren't tough?" > > "Not as tough as Godzilla!" Tomoyo: Whatever you say, Shinji. Kero: Kneel before God… zilla! > "They're both right," Rei said to Misato. Misato nodded. Aeris: Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Syaoran: I hope this hasn’t become a running gag. Tomoyo: Well, so far it’s just a limping one. > "Does anyone besides me realize how stupid this conversation is?" >asked Misato. "I mean, you're comparing real life with old movies. >Don't you two realize how dumb you both sound?" Sakura: Damn… Beat us to it. > Shinji just shrugged. "No dumber than usual," he said in a self- >deprecating manner. All: Syaoran: But, seriously, folks… > Asuka flushed, both angry at being called dumb, and embarrassed. >It *was* true. This *was* a stupid conversation. But she was *right*, >dammit! Aeris: GIVE ME MY PROPS, DAMMIT! > "And for the record," Misato lectured, "why destroy him at all? >He might do us all a favor and gobble up those moronic politicians in >The Committee." Sakura: Or maybe he’ll eat Gendo. That would help. Tomoyo: Because the only way to solve problems is to kill someone. Syaoran: Sounds like the George W. Bush foreign policy to me. >She hiccuped and then yawned. "Well, I'm tired. I'm >going to bed. G'Night!" With that, she got up, stretched, and stumbled >to her room. Kero: Tripping over a couple of coffee tables along the way. Sakura: Isn’t it mid-afternoon or something? Why is she going to bed now? Aeris: Cause it’s Misato and she’s sloshed. > Asuka turned away from Misato and saw Shinji once again staring >at Rei. Syaoran: Uhh… Rei… Why do you have popcorn up your nose? Sakura: You mean this isn’t right? >She fought down a momentary surge of jealousy. Maybe it would >be better to finally admit her feelings for him, to just get it out in >the open. Kero: Excuse me?! So Asuka has no problems admitting to herself that she likes Shinji?! Sakura: Well, who knows what goes on in that redhead of hers. Tomoyo: The Shadow knows… >Maybe if she did, he wouldn't admire Rei so openly. Hell, Rei >didn't love him. She wasn't capable of love, couldn't he see that? Syaoran: Ouch! That wasn’t nice. Aeris: Stupid doll bitch… Sakura: Aeris… Kero: I don’t know. Rei seems pretty attached to Gendo. God alone knows why… Tomoyo: God and Ritsuko. > But no. It wasn't proper. It was the male's job to court the >female. Sakura: What is this? “The Nature of Things”? Syaoran: The Eva Pilot species can only survive if the more timid male can court the more aggressive female. >That was how she had been brought up. Kero: That and that life is cold and cruel and you can’t trust anyone. Aeris: That nothing good will ever happen to you and there’s nothing but hate. Tomoyo: And the only solution is to end it all as soon as possible. Sakura: Mrs. Sohryu wasn’t much for optimism, was she? >And besides, Shinji was so much of a wuss that he couldn't even express his feelings to *Rei*, >and talking to Rei was like talking to a wall. Aeris: Actually, it’s more like talking to a statue. Syaoran: If Shinji were in love with Rei, does that mean he has an Oedipus complex? Sakura: Let’s try not to think about that one, okay? >Why, even if he would return her feelings of affection, he'd probably douse his drawers >before he could admit it from fear that she'd bite his head off! Tomoyo: “Douse his drawers”?! Where did Austin come up with that? Kero: Asuka has some very perceptive insights here. I’m impressed. >Which left the unsolvable riddle: How could Asuka get Shinji to be her >boyfriend if he patently refused to make a fool of himself for her >benefit? Syaoran: Hmph… Typical… Why do girls like to watch us squirm? Sakura: Because it’s cute. And it amuses us. > Well, the first thing she had to do was get him to stop staring >at Wonder Girl over there. Kero: Does that her Wonder Woman’s sidekick? Aeris: It’s a girl! It’s a clone! It’s WONDERGIRL! >Simple enough. She stalked over to Shinji >and smacked him across the back of his head. "Shinji, you idiot! Don't >you know that it's impolite to stare at another woman?" --...as opposed >to me...— Tomoyo: Wouldn’t Asuka smack him for staring at her too? >"Why didn't you invite Kensuke like you were going to? Rei's >such a drag." --I wouldn't even mind that pervert Toji over that wind >up toy you're drooling over!-- Kero: Plus she likes hiding his arms while he’s asleep and seeing how long it takes for him to find them. Syaoran: Rei Ayanami as a wind up-toy? That must be one of the few Eva merchandise ideas that *hasn’t* been used. Sakura: Careful. You-Know-Who collects Eva merchandise. > Shinji rubbed his smarting head. Asuka suppressed a wince as she >realized that she hit him harder than she had meant. Aeris: She hadn’t meant to fracture his skull! Honest! Sakura: Ewww… Blood and brains and… Urk… >"Kensuke had made other plans. Besides, Misato thinks all of us spending time together >will help us function better as a team!" Syaoran: And for once the idea wasn’t dance lessons. > "Oh, so we're a *team* now!" She paused to think up something >scathing. Sakura: You may be drunk, but I’m Winston Churchill…. No, wait… >"Well, let me tell you something, Third Child..." Shinji >winced. She only ever used his piloting designation when she was really >mad. Aeris: Doesn’t she almost always call him Third Child? Tomoyo: Well, she’s also pretty angry a lot of the time. Syaoran: Hey! Be nice! >"...we women aren't pieces of meat for you to drool over! You're >supposed to like us for our personalities! And now it's time to go to >bed, children." All: Yes, Mom. Sakura: Is the movie even over? Austin didn’t say anything about it ending. Kero: And what time is it? I thought they’d be watching this stuff in the afternoon, not as the late show. Doesn’t Gendo have rules about Rei leaving her apartment at night? Tomoyo: And why did Misato bring in drinks when no one has touched them? >With that, Asuka stalked off to her room and slid the >door shut so hard that it recoiled. She slid it again, a little more >gently this time. Sakura: Ummm… I’ll just close this now… Stupid door… Screwed up my exit… Aeris: The door then crashed to the floor. Cue laugh track. Fade to commercial. > "I wonder how," Rei said. > > Shinji turned to Rei. "How what?" Tomoyo: How they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar. > "How we could like her for her personality." Syaoran: Ouch! Aeris: At least I *have* a personality, Wondergirl. > In spite of himself, Shinji laughed. It was easy to forget that >the soft-spoken Rei had a sense of humor, however weird it might be. "I >wouldn't know," he replied. Sakura: Refresh my memory… When was the last time Rei said something funny deliberately. Sakura: Yeah. That’s what I thought. > "Thank you for having me over, Ikari. It was... fun." Tomoyo: By which I mean painful and unbearable. > "Anytime, Rei." > > *** Kero: Looks like Orion’s been tightening his belt. > "Greetings, Asuka." Syaoran: My name is John Smith, your local Amway representative. > Asuka awoke and turned on the light. Then she groaned. It was >*him*. Aeris: Yeah. I hate it when Marvin the Martian interrupts my sleep too. > Asuka instantly realized that she wasn't awake. *He* only came >in a dream. *He* was her tormenter, that disgusting little pervert >poking around in her subconscious. Tomoyo: It was Freddy Kruger’s lesser known brother, Wilfred with his wandering hands again. >With his red eyes and white hair, his face handsome to the point of being pretty, Aeris: For the last time, Bakura, I don’t *have* any friggin’ Millennium items! Sakura: Sounds kind of like Dios to me. Kero: Stupid bishonen… I’ll teach them to invade my dreams. >he reminded Asuka of nothing less than a male version of Rei. Syaoran: Yeah, well, that’s Kaworu for you. Tomoyo: Splash him with cold water! Maybe he *is* Rei! >Asuka had known, ever since she had been chosen to become an Eva pilot >and *he* had manifested himself, that he would take something important >away from her. Maybe he'd even take away everything that she held dear. Aeris: Of course, she never mentioned the possibility that Kaworu was possibly pure evil to any of the people at NERV. Sakura: Actually, That probably just would have gotten him promoted faster. > *He* went over to Shinji. Gently, he caressed his sleeping head. Kero: Rock-a-bye, Shinji… In the tree top… >"He seems so peaceful, doesn't he? Don't you wish you could be like >him? So calm and accepting? I may just steal him away from you, you >know." Aeris: He’ll make a lovely garden ornament! Sakura: Steal him? How? You’re dead, you moron. Kero: Oh, right… > Asuka grabbed the nearest available object-a book-and threw it >at him. "You stay away from Shinji! Don't you *dare* touch him, you >pervert!" Tomoyo: THONK! Syaoran: OW! I would show up when she’s reading ‘War And Peace’… > He laughed, a chill, mirthless sound without any comfort to it. Kero: Oh! It’s Pauly Shore! >"Why, my dear Miss Soryu, don't you think I'd be good for him? *Much* >better than you, I'd say. Why, with the way you torment him, it's a >wonder he hasn't turned homicidal." Sakura: What is he, a Bond villain? Aeris: Do you expect me to talk, Kaworu? Kero: No, Miss Sohryu, I expect you to DIE! > "How dare you!" cried Asuka. But deep down inside, she knew it >was true. Not that this little bastard would be any better. She had at >one time wondered if he might be her conscience. Syaoran: It was either him or the talking cricket with the top hat. >But he was just too evil. And, Asuka had realized, he had a personality >all of his own, too separate from her to be a part of her. Tomoyo: Well, if something is separate from you that does kind of imply that it isn’t part of you. > "No, you know better than to believe I'm your conscience. But why >don't we come to the point? Syaoran: Oh, by the way, I read your thoughts. I hope you don’t mind. Sakura: Not at all. In fact I have a thought I’d like you to read right now. >I couldn't help overhearing your >conversation this evening over the channel three movie. I, for one, >agree wholeheartedly. We are much more fearsome than some blowup >puppet." Kero: What about muppets? Syaoran: Oh, they could kick our ass. Aeris: Kaworu has a little too much free time on his hands. > So. Asuka had suspected as much. He was an Angel. But why was he >tormenting her? Did he hope to bring her synch ratio down from within >her mind? Or was he simply riding around in there until he could get >close enough to his objective in Central Dogma? Tomoyo: Or did he just have nothing better to do tonight? > "All in good time, Asuka. You'll find out, all in good time. But >you think that you, along with your blasphemous toy, could ever defeat... >Godzilla, was it?" Kero: I’m setting up a betting booth and I was hoping to get odds. > Asuka's eyes narrowed. "You bet I could. And my 'blasphemous >toy', as you call it, is the finest fighting machine in the world! I'd >stomp that overgrown salamander in less than five minutes, just like >I killed your baby brothers!" Syaoran: Oh, sure. Rub *that* in. Sakura: Then I spit in their faces and took their spines as trophies for my wall. > He laughed again. "You Lillum are so arrogant. You believe that, >just because God created you in His own image, you are Gods yourselves. Aeris: Maybe Kaworu could take time out from his schedule to explain that point to Seto Kaiba while he’s at it >And your Evangelions are mere byproducts of your arrogance, a sacrilege >against Him and Us. Very well. I'm going to do you a favor, Asuka. I'm >going to let you prove your little theory." Tomoyo: Is that an important plot point I smell? > "Oh. Let me guess," Asuka returned his bantering tone. "An Angel >is going to come down here in the form of Godzilla? Don't make me >laugh." Kero: That’s what you think! I *will* make you laugh! LAUGH, DAMN YOU! LAUUUUUGH!!! > "Of course not. Like I said, we won't demean ourselves by >pretending to be something you Lillum use to pass the time in between >feeding and mating cycles. All except Kero: HEY!! Kero: Mating cycles? Someone other than Misato is getting some? >What you will battle will be a footsoldier, >no more, no less. I shall bid you good evening now." He bowed mockingly >and vanished. Aeris: Kaworu, ladies and gentlemen! He’ll be here all week! Sakura: So Kaworu concedes that several angels have been blown away by Evas, but he thinks a faceless lacky will do better? Syaoran: And since when do angels have foot soldiers anyway? Kero: And why did he tell Asuka all this? And why is he even bothering to conduct this test anyway? Tomoyo: Maybe he thinks he’s a Shadow Play Girl? Sakura: Ick! > *** Sakura: Hey! Who left these stars in my dream? > Asuka sat up in her bed, cold sweat dripping from her forehead >and her hands clammy. Tomoyo: Oh my God! It’s April and I forgot to file my tax return! >As usual, she was panting after her little visit. Aeris: Whew… Maybe Shinji and I should cut back to three times a night. Sakura: Aeris… >She looked out the window. Dawn was beginning to break over Tokyo-3. >Golden beams of sunlight streamed out of the clouds, touching the >massive skyscrapers. Asuka sighed. Tomoyo: Whoa… When did I move into a New York postcard? > "Screw you, Morning," she groaned. What she really needed was a >shower. Aeris: Yeah, well… Huh?! Kero: Hey! What’s a fanfic without some fanservice? >Asuka had taken a Criminal Justice course in college, and she >had learned that the first thing a rape victim did when she got home >was take a shower. Asuka wouldn't have gone so far as to say she had >been *raped* by the Angel, but she had certainly been violated. Syaoran: And thank God… After “Temples, Captors And Knights” we definitely don’t need any more of *that*. Sakura: I don’t know. I think after all those nightmares about her mother and those scary, demonic rag dolls, Kaworu would seem like a cake walk. Tomoyo: What would be really scary, I guess, is if she got a restful night’s sleep sometime. > As the little droplets of water flowed out of the nozzle, Asuka >took care to make sure some splashed into her eyes. Kero: Must be one of those “low flow” showerheads. >While sleep normally refreshed and rejuvenated a human being, when that Angel >appeared, it was as if she had stayed up all night without it. At >least, that was how it effected her *mind*. Aeris: And, let’s face it, her mind already has more wear and tear on it than most. >Her reflexes were always catlike and quick. Syaoran: Asuka Langley Sohryu *IS* Catwoman! Kero: Saaaaaaaayyyyy… >But her head felt heavy and sandy, she was prone to >dizzy spells, she was short with everyone she worked with (--as if my >temper weren't bad enough on it's own,-- admitted Asuka to herself with >rueful candor), Aeris: The hell…? When did Asuka become so self-aware? >and worst of all, her thought process was sluggish. And >that always meant a decrease in her synch ratio. The fact that her mind >needed the sleep that her body refused to grant her left her in one of >the worst paradoxes the Angel could have made her face. Sakura: Geez… Just get some over the counter pills, Asuka. > --The Angel...-- Now that she knew for certain that little pervert >was an Angel, what could she do? Tomoyo: I know! I’ll have him challenge Misaki Suzuhara! Hikaru will crush him for me! >Who could she tell? Telling Misato was out of the question. If Misato knew >that an Angel was riding around in her head, she'd go straight to Commander Ikari. Syaoran: The lousy snitch… >And who knew? She may never be allowed to pilot an Evangelion again... >or worse. Aeris: They might give me Maya Ibuki’s job! >Dissection was something that didn't exactly appeal to Asuka. Kero: Or anyone in general. Syaoran: Yeah… Being taken apart piece by piece like an alarm clock has its detractors. >Shinji and Rei were out for the same reason. Sakura: Rei maybe. But Shinji would probably cut off his hand before he went talking to Gendo voluntarily. >There was only one person she was likely to >be able to tell. Unfortunately, Hikari would probably end up scared of >her for who *knows* how long. Tomoyo: And just because I have a malevolent supernatural entity roaming my consciousness. What a wuss… >And besides she wasn't about to >jeopardize her closest friend because of something that hadn't done her >any physical harm. So she couldn't tell anyone. Syaoran: Which is basically what I said a paragraph ago, but I figured I needed some exposition. > She stepped out of her shower, wrapped a towel around herself, >and opened the door to the gaping cavern that was Shinji's mouth. Sakura: Uhh… So Shinji’s mouth has a door? Kero: That was *very* badly phrased. >"*Guten Morgen*, Vacuum-Boy. Careful not to suck up all of the oxygen. >Your lungs might explode," she bantered. Syaoran: Well, it’s officially an Asuka fic. She’s thrown out a line of German. >Shinji stared after her as she walked back to her room to change. Asuka >looked over her shoulder threw her parting shot. "Hey, Shinji! Take a picture, >why don'tcha? It'll last longer, you know." Kero: If you say so… Sakura: Kero… >She sauntered back to her room, deliberately swiveling her hips to >make her walk more sensual. All: Tomoyo: Asuka Langley Sohryu *IS* Emma Peel! Syaoran: Miss Sohryu, we’re needed… Kero: Yow! Fanservice! Aeris: And it’s not Misato this time! > --I will never understand women,-- thought Shinji as he rubbed >his eyes sleepily and walked into the bathroom. Syaoran: It’s almost as if she doesn’t like it when I peep on her in the shower. > *** Sakura: Oh! Misato must have put those no-slip decals in the shower! > Asuka and Shinji arrived at school early as usual. Shinji, having >been teased and tormented by Asuka on their walk as usual, eagerly went >over to where Toji and Kensuke were sitting and began discussing last >night's movie with them. Syaoran: …as usual. Aeris: It was a perfectly normal day in Tokyo-3. Perfectly normal, that is, that a day in Tokyo-3 can be. > "It was great! Godzilla was the most fearsome creature I've ever >seen!" said Shinji with uncharacteristic enthusiasm. "It was like Tokyo >didn't stand a chance." Syaoran: When has it ever? Kero: Welcome to Tokyo! 5 Days Since Last Rebuilding! > "I've got some Sega games based on Godzilla," said Kensuke. With >his glasses and mousy hair, he looked less like the armed forces buff >that he was and more of a computer geek. Sakura: So, basically, how he always looks. Tomoyo: You have to admire a fic that goes out of its way to state the obvious. >"If you don't have to go to headquarters today, you and Toji can come over and we can play them." Aeris: As opposed to what? Sticking them up your noses? > "Sorry, but I've got to work." > > "Why?" asked Toji. "I don't see any Angels around." Tomoyo: Well, DUH! Sakura: Thank you, oh great master of the obvious. > "There's more to piloting than just fighting Angels. But anyway, >Godzilla was just trashing Tokyo, and then..." Kero: Shouldn’t Touji already *know* that there’s more to piloting than fighting angels? Tomoyo: This must be set when he still had his own arms. > From her seat next to Rei, Asuka stared at Shinji while listening >to the Three Stooges. --They'll find out what Godzilla is like soon >enough,-- she thought sourly. Aeris: So she *trusts* what Kaworu told her? Sakura: He may be an evil, malevolent creature out to destroy me, but he wouldn’t *lie*, would he? >Her thoughts drifted back to Shinji. What did she see in him? >Not his looks, certainly. Shinji was ordinary looking at best, >the kind of face your eye just skipped over. Syaoran: Yeah. Him and Jason Bourne. Kero: Shinji Ikari *IS* Jason Bourne in Robert Ludlum’s “The Eva Identity”! >Was it the way he piloted his Eva? No, Asuka didn't just go for someone >because of his occupation. Tomoyo: I wonder if Asuka has ever applied this line of thought to why she liked Kaji. >How about his personality? Wait a minute. >*What* personality? He was about a step up from Rei with personality. Aeris: Yeah, yeah… Does this train of thought have a point somewhere? >Maybe it was just the fact that it would be convenient. After all, they >lived together, they worked together, and they went to school together. >Why *shouldn't* they go out? Sakura: Maybe because she’s always hitting him and yelling at him? > As Asuka gazed at Shinji, she could help but notice his eyes. Tomoyo: The eyes! The EYES!!! >They were always so full of thought, so introspective. Asuka suspected >that he was holding back some of the things he observed. He didn't talk >much, but his mind was always working. He was thinking about everything >and everyone. Syaoran: Plotting… Scheming… Kero: Maybe he takes after his Dad after all. >If only she could draw him out! Then she'd know for >certain what he thought about her. Sakura: Quick! Get me my sketchpad! > "If you ask him, he will talk." A soft, feathery voice said to >her. Asuka turned. Rei had been watching her stare at Shinji. Sakura: If you build it, he will come. >--Idiot!-- she berated herself. --You let your guard down! Think, >Asuka. How do I get out of this one?-- Tomoyo: Uh… No comprende Engles…? > "What are you talking about?" asked Asuka with feigned >dubiousness. > > "Ikari. You were staring at him." Aeris: You were undressing him with your eyes again, weren’t you? Sakura: Aeris… > Asuka forced a snort. "Are you kidding me? Why would I stare at >*that* lump? He's much more suited to you, after all." > > Rei gave Asuka a look that most people give to a lunatic. She >wanted to let Rei know that the feeling was definitely mutual. Syaoran: It’s settled! They’re *both* crazy! > "You had a visitation last night," said Rei. Aeris: Shh! Don’t talk about my… “visitations” in public, you dip! Sakura: Aeris… > Her tone was so casual that it took a couple of seconds for the >impact of the statement to sink into Asuka. --Oh God! Does she know? >How could she? But she does! Say something!— Tomoyo: Uhhh… Nice weather? Sakura: So… How about them Mets? Syaoran: What’s the deal with the Maple Leafs lately? >"You know something, Wonder Girl? You're weird." Tomoyo: And why do you seem so much shorter today… Hey! You’re not Rei! You’re Ruri Hoshino! Sakura: Oops… Am I on the wrong set? > "What happened?" asked Rei, ignoring her insult. > > "All right. If you absolutely must know, I had a bad dream. A >nightmare. Aeris: I dreamt that George W. Bush was the leader of the free world… Brrr… >That's all. Does that compute, Asimov-breath? Hello, this >is Dr. Susan Calvin to Robot..." Kero: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? >Asuka's voice trailed off as she saw >everyone staring at her. She realized that she had been screaming. Syaoran: But when they realized it was Asuka, they quickly went back to work. > Asuka made a disgusted sound and stalked off to the bathroom. >Once she got there, she put her hands over her eyes, fell to her knees >and began crying. Sakura: The hell…?! Tomoyo: I don’t suppose the plot is going to be making an appearance any time soon. > *** Tomoyo: I didn’t think so. > After school, Asuka caught up with Shinji and Rei as they walked >to NERV headquarters. Rei was nibbling daintily on a kernel of popcorn >as she walked. "What'cha doing, Rei?" asked Asuka. She was acting as if >her outburst hadn't even happened, which was usual for her. Syaoran: Somehow I don’t think “What’cha doing, Rei?” is part of Asuka’s usual conversations. > "I'm studying popcorn," replied Rei in her usual subdued >monotone. She nibbled again. "Yummy," she deadpanned. Kero: Okay, who hired Ben Stein as the dialogue coach? Aeris: I know her emotion range is limited, but she’s not *this* bad! > "Looks more like you're stuffing your face with it to me," >remarked Asuka dubiously. She snatched a kernel out of the bag, flicked >it up into the air and caught it in her mouth. Then she made a sour >face. This popcorn was far from "yummy." Sakura: Bleah… Where’d you get this? Famous Players? Tomoyo: Ouch! > Rei, meanwhile, tried to imitate Asuka's trick. The popcorn >kernel bounced off of her nose and into a gutter. Shinji stifled a >grin. Aeris: Judging by Asuka’s reaction, it might taste better now. > "This popcorn *sucks*!" complained Asuka. She looked at the name >on the bag. Kero: ‘Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Popcorn’? Sakura: ‘Orville Reddenbacher’s Liver & Onions Flavour’? >Sure enough, it was the store brand. "Where did you get >this stuff?" > > "Commander Ikari gave it to me," answered Rei. Tomoyo: Well… “Gave” is a strong term. He made me reimburse him for it. > Asuka snorted. "That figures. The bastard can't even buy name >brand popcorn, he's so cheap!" Syaoran: Let’s just hope that same thriftiness doesn’t apply to Eva building. Kero: No, I think the Evas can get by with just the one arm. > Rei's eyes narrowed at Asuka, and her free hand balled into a >fist. She began to bear her teeth. Asuka hid a cruel smile. This had >gotten a bigger rise out of her than anything else Asuka had ever said. >Time to milk it for all it was worth. Sakura: SMACK! Tomoyo: OW! Okay, waited to long on that one. > "Of course, what do you expect from a guy that won't even spend >time with his own son? We've got a deadbeat dad running NERV, right >Shinji?" As long as she was at it, empathizing with Shinji wasn't a >bad idea. Aeris: Hey! The less time spent with Gendo the better! >--That son of a bitch. He won't even talk to his own son, >but he treats that wind up doll Rei like she was his own daughter? Damn >him!-- Kero: Well, as long as he’s not treating her like she was his *wife*. Sakura: Ick… > Shinji was smiling. "You read my mind." Meanwhile, Rei was on the >verge of apoplexy as she glared at Asuka. Tomoyo: Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. > "Oh, excuse me, did I offend you? I'm sorry." Asuka bowed in mock >sincerity and put her hand to the back of her head in an apologetic >gesture. She knew that if she backed off now, it would just leave Rei >in an impotent fury with no outlet. Syaoran: How so? She was perfectly willing to smack Shinji for dissing Gendo. Why not Asuka? Kero: Woo-hoo! Cat fight! >--You want me, Rei? Well, you know >where to find me!-- She took Shinji by the arm. "Come on, Shinji. I'll >walk you to headquarters." > > "Um... okay, Asuka." Syaoran: She likes me! Score! > Asuka and Shinji picked up the pace, leaving Rei to trail behind. Rei, meanwhile, took out her frustrations on >some nearby soda cans. Tomoyo: Stupid cans! Why don’t you go back to your damn recycling bin?! > *** Kero: Roger Ebert gave three stars to this?! > When most of Asuka's classmates (especially the gung-ho Kensuke) >thought of being a pilot of an Evangelion, they mainly imagined >themselves slugging it out toe to toe with the nastiest Angel that >Tokyo-3 had ever faced with mind and mecha becoming one, and the >celebrity status that came with it. Syaoran: Which is also what most people think of when they talk about “Evangelion”. Sakura: Well, that and Misato’s fanservice moments. >Sitting in her LCL filled entry plug, bored nearly to tears, the rambunctious redhead wanted to slap >all of them. Tomoyo: And she probably would too. >The fact was that about ten percent of an Eva pilot's job >revolved around actual *piloting* while the other ninety percent had >more to do with synchronization tests, practice drills, equipment >tests, and experiments that ranged from boring to demeaning to >downright painful. Aeris: And if that wasn’t bad enough, Ritsuko kept showing up in leather gear and shouting “You *will* call me Queen!” during the experiments. > Asuka could just hear mad Dr. Frankenstein-Ritsuko Akagi-laughing >in the control booth, screaming, "It's alive! It's alive! HA-HA-HA-HA!" Syaoran: And that’s different from the normal Ritsuko how? Sakura: Ouch… >And if Dr. Akagi were Frankenstein, that'd make Lieutenant Maya Ibuki >Igor. Kero: No. It’s pronounced “Eye-gor”. >Asuka chuckled to herself as she pictured a hunchbacked version >of the pretty, young officer hissing, "Oh yes, master. Yes, master!" Sakura: Must get a brain… for my master… Tomoyo: Eh… Just take Fuyutsuki’s. Lord knows he’s never used it much. Syaoran: Ouch! > Ritsuko's image popped up on the com window. "Asuka! Your synch >ratio just dropped again. Concentrate!" Aeris: Geez… Who does she think I am? Hitomi Kanzaki? > "Huh? Oh. Well, I'll do my best, Ritsuko," she said demurely. >--Can that woman read minds?— Sakura: Oh, who *can’t*? Tomoyo: First Kaworu, now Ritsuko! Get the $&%# out of my head! >With that, she decided that playtime was >over, and it was time to get to work. Grimly she sat in the plug-no! Syaoran: The plug-no? What’s that? >She was the Eva. Grimly she stood, immersed up to her shoulders in the >LCL bath and meditated. Kero: Ohmmmmm… Ohmmmmm…. > *** > > "She was thinking something nasty about me. I can tell," Dr. >Ritsuko Akagi said to Misato. They were in the control center, and >Ritsuko was hovering over each crew member like an insecure mother hen. Kero: Well, as long as she doesn’t…. chicken out! > At the con, Commander Gendo Ikari watched with cold eyes through >rose-tinted glasses, his fingers steepled with interest. Sakura: Stock footage, ho! >It was so unlike Ritsuko to let something as petty as being *thought* about >behind her back get to her. At his side, Vice Commander Fuyutski >stifled a grin. Syaoran: There’s a lot of that going around. Tomoyo: Did Gendo outlaw smiling or something? > "What makes you say that?" asked Misato. > > "Oh, you heard how innocent she was trying to sound. 'I'll do my >best, Ritsuko.'" Aeris: She’s out to get me, I tell you! They all are! > "It's a moot point, now, Ma'am," said Maya. "Her synch ratio is >back up to where it was. And it's rising." Sakura: And that’s my only line. > "Excellent," Commander Ikari murmured. If nothing else, these >little bouts of quality time were allowing them to synch better with >their Evas. Their rates were better than they'd ever been, especially >Shinji's. Tomoyo: So, what does this have to do with the plot again? > *Shinji...* Although he'd never admit it, he was proud of his >son. Shinji was becoming quite the field marshal during the battles, >and he was expressing himself more and more. Shinji had exceeded his >expectations as a pilot, saving the lives of more people than he'd ever >know. And that meant more people would live see the fruit of his plans. Kero: Namely, Third Impact. Good idea, Gendo, > "And you have so *many* redeeming qualities," said Misato with >mock sarcasm. Syaoran: So, it wasn’t really sarcasm? > "Unlike you," countered Ritsuko smoothly. > > Misato frowned as once again Ritsuko out-bantered her. Aeris: Ha HA! This battle of wits is over! > *** > > Off the coast of Japan, water rippled as a small earthquake hit >the country. At the International Seismic Research Center, >administrator Dr. Usagi Nobungi sipped her coffee and checked the >printouts of the latest readings. Her eyes widened as she looked at the >readings. Syaoran: What is this? A Michael Crichton novel? Kero: Well, if it is, I hope it’s a lot better than “Prey” was. Gack… > "Take a look at this, Bob," she said to the American man sitting >at the console in back of her. Aeris: Is this still and “Evangelion” fic? I’m lost. > Dr. Robert H. Tremain studied the printouts with interest. "So? >It wasn't even a two-pointer. We didn't even feel it." What was she >getting at? Sakura: He doesn’t sound that interested to me. > "Yeah, but that's not the strange part. Take a look at the >epicenter." > > Tremain's jaw dropped in shock as he looked at the quake's >location. "That's not a fault line!" he exclaimed. Kero: So, I guess that means it’s nobody’s fault, huh? Tomoyo: That was *really* bad. > "Exactly. That means it's not a natural phenomenon." > > "I'll check for any construction projects that could cause the >disruption." Sakura: Sure. Wake me when ewe get to the obvious discovery, okay? > "Good. Meantime I'll notify the local authorities and..." > > The lab shook as another earthquake hit, sending Nobungi and >Tremain sprawling to the floor. "*Jesus!*" Tremain swore. Tomoyo: Language, please! Syaoran: “Kill Bill” this isn’t. Aeris: That sword of Uma Thurman’s would be really useful right now. If it can cut God, it would really be helpful against angels. > Nobungi, meanwhile, had already gotten to her feet and was >stumbling to get to a red stopper on her console. Kero: Push the button, Nobungi. >A fresh tremor threw her off balance, and sent her careening toward her panel. >There was a loud *thwap* as it took her in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out >of her. Tomoyo: Ooh… Someone’s been studying anatomy. >Nobungi collapsed to the floor in a heap, sucking oxygen. Sakura: As opposed to nitrogen? >She pulled her stomach to her spine, Syaoran: Ummmm… Ouch? >and put her hand up on the console, >searching blindly with her fingers and no longer trusting herself at >a vertical base. She finally found what she was looking for and slammed >down hard on it with her hand. Aeris: SMACK! Tomoyo: Finally got that damn cockroach! > Alarms blared as the evacuation code came on the screen. Tremain >helped Nobungi up to her feet and they-along with the rest of the >personnel-made their way toward the exit as fast as they dared. Kero: So much for leaving in a calm, orderly fashion. > Outside the seaside complex, scientists watched in horror as a >one hundred fifty foot giant green reptile rose from the depths of the >ocean and began inexorably to move toward them. Syaoran: Well, at least it’s not Peter Graves and his giant locusts again. > "Scatter!" bellowed Nobungi over the din. But the seismologists >were way ahead of her as they raced into the woods. Aeris: Quick! We’ll hide in Lothlorien! > Meanwhile, the gigantic lizard slowly arrived at the Research >Center and negligently crushed it with the sole of his foot, moving >toward his goal. Tomoyo: Oh well… Looks like they’re going to have to apply for another federal grant. > *** Sakura: Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket… > At NERV HQ, sirens shrilled as the command team struggled to >ascertain the situation. "The United Nations just reported that the >International Seismic Research Center has been destroyed!" cried >Communications Officer Shigeru Aoba. "A large lizard-like reptile was >reported to have been sighted!" Kero: Plot Exposition Powers ACTIVATE! Syaoran: He must’ve gone to the Fuu Hououji School of Stating the Obvious. Aeris: Whew! Back to the Eva characters. About time too. > "What the hell?" Misato's astonished voice cut through the tension. > "We've got video footage from our cam recorders," said Misato's >assistant, Lieutenant Makoto Hyuga. Sakura: I got these wonderfully *kawaii* shots of the destruction! Tomoyo: Mou… > "On screen," barked Misato. Kero: Hey! That’s *my* line! > Hyuga punched some buttons, and the viewer displayed the titanic >green reptile lumbering toward Tokyo-3. Abruptly he stopped and threw >his head back and roared. All except Aeris: Myyyyyyaaaaaarrrr!! Aeris: Huh? Sakura: Never mind. > "It's Godzilla!" cried Aoba. Tomoyo: Captain Obvious to the rescue! > --That can't be right,-- thought Misato. --Godzilla is a >fictional character. Unless...--"Scan for pattern. It's possible that >this could be an Angel." Aeris: Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? You’re brilliant, Major! Tomoyo: Hey! I’m the one you’re supposed to suck up to! > "The pattern's black, Major," said Maya. Sakura: What?! I distinctly wanted blue! I shouldn’t have let you order the china. > "What? That's impossible!" > > "Take a look for yourself, Ma'am." Kero: Uh… I’d better not… My vision isn’t great right now. > Misato went over to the console along with Ritsuko. Sure enough, >black alpha waves danced on the monitor. All: Oh, we’re the waves of chorus! We hoped you liked the show! > "We've got a call from the Committee. They want an Eva out there >right away," said Aoba. Tomoyo: No good. We have to allow at least three days for delivery. > Misato feigned a sigh. "You'd think that they could take care of >their own messes for once." She became serious again. "Red Alert! >Notify all local authorities and secure the city for battle mode. Syaoran: Raise shields! Load photon torpedoes! >Role out Eva Unit 02 and have Unit 01 on standby." --All right, Asuka. Time >to put your money where your mouth is.-- Aeris: Unit 02 will be playing Juliet! Tell her to start reading her lines! Tomoyo: That’s still better than playing a can of mackerel. Kero and Aeris: Nani…? > *** Sakura: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. > Asuka heard the sirens blare and felt herself being lifted onto >the catapult. The communications window popped up with Misato's face on >it. "Asuka, you're taking the point on this one. I want your AT Field >at maximum and use your guns." Tomoyo: Asuka Langley Sohryu *IS* Rally Vincent! > "Yeah, yeah, yeah," grumbled Asuka irritably. "Tell me something >I don't already know. How about, 'don't forget to aim for its core.'" Kero: Yeesh… One Fuu Hououji School graduate is bad enough. > "It doesn't *have* a core, Asuka. It's Godzilla, or something >that looks a hell of a lot like him." Sakura: Those cosplayers are getting way too serious. > "What? How am I supposed to beat this thing if it doesn't have >a weakness?" asked Asuka skeptically. > > "I'm sure we'll find a way." Sakura: Everything will surely be all right! > "That's easy for you to say. You're not the one fighting this >thing." > > "Oh well. I guess I should just alter the operation to have >Shinji take the point." Syaoran: Meanwhile, Tokyo-3 had already been smashed and Godzilla was long gone. > "Yeah," said Asuka sarcastically. "I'll give you two-to-one odds >he asks Godzilla for his autograph." Tomoyo: Well, it’s not every day you meet a real movie star. > Misato sighed. "Just don't screw this one up, okay?" > > "When have I *ever* screwed up?" Then she thought about the >significance of her question. "Don't answer that." All: Kero: Okay. Who the hell is this? ‘Cause it’s definitely not Asuka. > *** > > "Launch Eva!" bellowed Misato. All: Eva is GO! > The catapult thrust the big, red, four-eyed robot up to the >surface. Asuka looked around and saw an armament building open to >reveal a hand rifle. She ran over and took it and began firing at >Godzilla as he entered Tokyo-3. The bullets bounced harmlessly off of >his chest. Aeris: I think we need a bigger gun. > *** > > "The guns are having no effect!" reported Maya frantically. "His >skin's too thick!" Tomoyo: Nooooo… Really? Sakura: Everyone is stating the obvious now. > "She may have to go hand-to-hand," said Ikari. Syaoran: Gendo or Shinji? Help us out here, fanfic. > "Isn't that a little risky?" asked Fuyutski. "This isn't even an >Angel." Kero: Oh, for… Can the damn chattering and get back to the action scene, you morons! > "In a way, it's worse. We don't know the motivations of this... >Godzilla. It could be out to do the same thing; a third party, if you >will." Aeris: A second ago, I thought we had finally gotten to the point of this story, Sakura: No such luck > "Or it could just be passing through." > > "...leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Either way, the >taxpayers paid too much for these defenses to have them destroyed in >a meaningless conflict. Not to mention the fact that *we* can't afford >to lose them, either." Tomoyo: We are incredibly over budget. Syaoran: Geez, Austin… Think you’ve added enough padding to the fic yet? > Fuyutski's shoulders sagged. At least the civilians were safe. >When Tokyo-3 converted to battle mode, all the livable buildings were >transported underground to the Geofront. There, the citizens of Tokyo-3 >were transported to shelters in an orderly fashion as the battle went >on above ground. Kero: Yes, yes. We *KNOW* that already! Aeris: Austin Covello: Ninja Master of the Obvious! > "I only hope Asuka can beat this thing." > > *** Sakura: Well, maybe now we’ll find out. > "Die, damn you!" screamed Asuka as she fired her pulse cannon to >no avail. The shots just bounced off of Godzilla's leathery tough skin. >Godzilla roared with fury and began to run toward her with surprising >speed. All: SHING-shing-shing-shing! SHING-shing-shing-shing! > Asuka began firing wildly as Godzilla speared her. The air >whooshed out of Asuka's lungs as they both crashed through an empty >armament building. Syaoran: Speared? Where’s Godzilla get a Lance of Longius? > *** > > "Unit 02's down!" cried Maya. Tomoyo: Waaaaaaaahhhhhh! > "Role out Unit 01 and prepare him for launch!" cried Misato. "Do >it!" Sakura: He’ll be playing Hamlet! Tell him to get his skull and start warming up! > *** > > Godzilla hammered on the immobile Asuka as white light flashed >behind her eyes. The pain in her head had now receded to a dull ache >as her adrenal glands began to work overtime. Aeris: Urg… Lousy hangover… Kero: Headache pain? Try Bayer Aspirin. >Asuka struggled to get her legs up under the beast's stomach. Meanwhile, Godzilla's >claws had wrapped themselves around her metallic throat, planning to throttle her. >Asuka kicked out with as much power as she had, and sent Godzilla sprawling. Sakura: Smack into a cardboard building. Tomoyo: The bigger they are, the worse they smell when they die. > After that it was *her* turn to attack. Aeris: Senseless beating! YES! >As Godzilla got up to one knee, she elbowed him in the spine and sent him back >down to his stomach. He rolled onto his back. Asuka kicked him in his side for good >measure and then began to stomp his face. "You're not so tough, now, >are you?" she gloated. But she spoke too soon. Tomoyo: CALL ME QUEEN! OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! > Godzilla caught her foot in his claws. With surprising strength, >he pushed up on her robotic sole and sent her toppling backward into >another armament building. Syaoran: There sure are a lot of those armament buildings lying around. >Asuka was so mad that she barely felt her >head hitting the pavement, but it gave Godzilla a chance to get back >to his feet. He shook out the cobwebs and turned toward her. Sakura: Cobwebs? Howe long was she lying there? Aeris: Spiders now? GET THE ^$%& OUT OF MY HEAD!! > But Asuka was already back up, and she rushed back toward him, >ready to beat the living hell out of him. She threw a kick up to his >maw as Godzilla landed a clumsy but effective punch on the side of her >head. She reeled as a dizziness took her. Godzilla then began clawing >wildly at her face, but the irritated Evangelion ducked and unleashed >a handful of combination blows that were half boxing and half martial >arts. Kero: MARVELOUS! >It was a style that Asuka commonly employed during hand-to-hand >sparing, and it was one of the few things that could throw Shinji off >balance. And it should have worked with Godzilla. Tomoyo: …if only the plot device hadn’t kicked in. Syaoran: I am revived! > But somehow, the gargantuan lizard managed to absorb most of the >blows. Asuka finished her flurry with a right hook, but Godzilla >somehow managed to get under her arm. He began to claw behind her. Kero: Oh, he’s just trying to grab her… Sakura: KERO! > --Now, what is he... the Umbilical Cable!-- Asuka realized his >plan a second too late. Sparks flew as the Eva's primary power source >became a writhing headless snake. Syaoran: Oh, good! The severed umbilical cable plot device! Never seen *that* one before! > *** > > "He's destroyed the Umbilical Cable!" shouted Hyuga. Aeris: Captain Obvious to the rescue! Again! > "Asuka's operating on full power," chimed in Maya. "She's only >got one minute of reserve power left!" Sakura: Okay! Everyone synch your watches! > "We don't have any time to lose, then," said Misato. "Launch >Unit 01." Tomoyo: Just out of curiosity, why didn’t they do that before? > Hyuga punched the launch code. Then he gasped. "The catapult >won't function! It's a torn cable to the power supply!" Syaoran: Wow… There a plot contrivance worthy of “Star Trek” > "Move it to catapult number two," ordered Misato. > > "Negative, Ma'am. All of the catapults are down." All: Of course… > "How long before reserve power can be directed to the catapults?" > > "They're working on it, Major. They estimate two minutes." Kero: Geez… Austin isn’t even *trying* to make this plausible anymore. > Misato's heart sank into her stomach. Asuka was on her own. Aeris: Yeah. Maybe we could see that now? Please? > *** > > Asuka knew that she only had one minute to finish this thing off, >or die. Sakura: Or she could retreat. Tomoyo: Maybe her escape routes are down too? >But what was his weakness? She grabbed Godzilla by his neck in >a chin lock. She twisted his head around in an effort to snap his neck. Syaoran: CRACK! Kero: Ack! My spine! >But his bone tissue was too strong, and Asuka winced as she took two >elbows to the side of her face. Aeris: On second thought… Sakura: This is about as realistic as professional wrestling. > *** > > "Forty-five seconds," intoned Maya. Tomoyo: Has it only been fifteen seconds? It feels like longer. > Cold sweat dripped from Misato's brow. Unless they could get a >better estimate on those catapults, her friend and ward was doomed. >"Hurry up, dammit!" she screamed, knowing all too well that it wouldn't >make the slightest bit of difference. Kero: Ah… The Captain Kirk Method of Time Management! > *** Syaoran: Oh no! It’s snowing! > With forty seconds on the clock, Godzilla had begun to take the >advantage as Asuka began to despair. After all of those Angels, she was >going to go out to an inflatable puppet. How humiliating. Tomoyo: But if anyone’s laughing at my funeral, I’m gonna pull a Moaning Myrtle. > The thought of embarrassment set a fire raging in her stomach. Kero: Embarrassment is like a storm raging inside you… >Dammit, she was *not* going to die like this! Not if she could help it! >In a rage, she threw a wild punch directly at Godzilla's left eye. Out >of reflex, Godzilla closed it just before it landed. Sakura: Well, when someone is about to nail you in the eye that tends to happen. > --What the...-- Aeris: Wow! The new model blinks! Tomoyo: The wonderful advancements of Godzilla technology. > *** > > "Thirty Seconds." Maya's voice was deadpan, drained of all >emotion as she counted down the mere seconds that Asuka had to live. Sakura: No. Really. I mean it. > Misato, however, was ecstatic. "Did you see that?" she asked >Ritsuko. "Did you see how he closed his eye like that?" Aeris: Yes, Misato. That’s called *blinking*. > "*I* saw it. But the important thing is if *Asuka* saw it," >Ritsuko said dubiously. Syaoran: So… Ritsuko can’t be trusted? > "I hope so," said Misato. Kero: Hope springs eternal. It has a good lawyer. > *** > > Asuka had indeed seen it. She rocked Godzilla with a hard left. >Then she took out her progressive knife. Syaoran: You call *that* a progressive knife? >Measuring Godzilla, she drove the knife directly into his eye. Green liquid oozed out of the socket >as the blade pierced the brain underneath. Asuka jerked the dagger out, >and Godzilla toppled to the ground. Kero: Asuka Wins… FATALITY! Sakura: So Godzilla’s weakness is being stabbed in the eye…. Gee… How… unimpressive. >Fifteen seconds later, the 3D viewscreen in the entry plug faded to black >as her Evangelion lost power, and she was just plain old Asuka Langly Soryu again. Tomoyo: Except now she can’t even spell her own name. > Asuka sighed, exhaling air bubbles in the Link Connection Liquid. >"They'll probably have to call a tow truck to get me back to HQ. How >embarrassing." Aeris: Geez… First it’s getting beat up, then it’s dying… Is there no end to this whining? > *** Kero: Skeet shooting! Get my gun! Sakura: No. > One hour later, Asuka climbed out of her entry plug to find >Misato and Shinji standing in the holding bays waiting for her. Misato >ran up to her and hugged her. "You did it!" cried Misato. Aeris: How did you find ou-- Oh! You mean the Godzilla thing. Sakura: Aeris… > "Um... sure, Misato," replied Asuka somewhat awkwardly. Misato >usually never got this emotional after a fight. "What did you expect? >Me to just roll over on my back and say, 'kill me'?" Tomoyo: Well, that might have ended the fic faster, but probably not. > Misato chuckled and then sniffled. Asuka looked at Misato's tear >ravaged face. She'd been crying! She must have been worried about her. >But why? No one *ever* worried about her. Maybe Commander Ikari had >chewed her out really bad for making *her* go out instead of Shinji. Kero: Dammit, Misato! We can’t lose Asuka! The fanboys will revolt! > --Speaking of Shinji...-- Asuka forced a frown. "And just where >the hell were *you*, Third Child?" Asuka asked with feigned menace. Syaoran: I was held up by Deus Ex Machina! I swear! > Shinji's eyes widened in fear as Asuka advanced toward him, hands >balled into fists despite the combat fatigue she was feeling. "Uh... >ah... um..." he stammered with callow. Tomoyo: Simon Callow? Sakura: I’d like to use a lifeline, Regis. > "You were supposed to be my backup, you idiot! What were you >doing, having a cup of tea? I bet you just couldn't stand the fact that >*I* was the point man for once, you prima donna!" Aeris: Don’t you mean point *woman*? Sakura: Don’t change the subject! > "Well, that is... you see..." > > Asuka faked a punch at Shinji's petrified head, and instead >grabbed him by the nape of his neck and pulled him forward into a kiss >full on the mouth. Misato laughed out loud. Kero: …the HELL?! > Asuka pulled away. "Gotcha. Did you honestly think I was going >to hit you? Shinji you idiot!" Tomoyo: Yeah. Just because she’s done it a thousand times before. > Rei walked into the hanger area. "I've discovered the meaning of >popcorn," she announced softly. Sakura: The answer is 42. > They all stared at her. Even Asuka was interested in this one. >"What is it?" she asked. Aeris: It’s corn that pops, but that’s not important right now. > Rei looked at each of them in turn and lifted her face up in with >the severity of a woman with an earth shattering revelation. "It's junk >food," she stated flatly. Kero: This statement courtesy the Department of the Obvious. Sakura: Along with about 56% of the dialogue in this story. > Asuka sighed with relief. "Is *that* all? I could have told you >that, Rei. Now if you could describe why it pops, *that* would be >interesting." Syaoran: That’s because there’s water inside the kernels that expands when heated, thus causing the popcorn to pop. This has been CardCaptor *Science* Theater. > "Boy Asuka," said Shinji with admiration. "You really killed >Godzilla. I mean, he never stood a chance. Wait until Toji and Kensuke >hear about this!" > > Asuka looked at him as if he had lobsters crawling out of his >ears. Sakura: And yet that’s still not the strangest image to come out of a GAINAX production. >"Are you stupid? That has to be the toughest battle I've ever >fought. He was at least on par with the sixth angel." Aeris: *cough*bullshit*cough* > "Yeah, but you made it look easy. I mean, I don't think that >anyone else could have done as good of a job." All: Noooooobody doooeeeesssss it beeeeeettterrrrrr… > Asuka's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying that you could have done >better?" Kero: Uhhh… Didn’t I just say I didn’t think anyone could have done better? > "Yes. I mean *no*!" Syaoran: I mean... what was the question again? > Misato listened as the exchange escalated. The two of them were >having the same argument as last night, only they had both so radically >altered their positions as to have a complete turn around on their old >arguments. One thing was for sure, this was a match made in heaven. Tomoyo: If they stop falling in and out of character that is. > "Do me a favor, you two," Misato interrupted. "Make sure I >receive an invitation to the wedding, okay?" She walked out of the bay. Aeris: What? You mean the Tako Ball Marriage? > "Now what do you suppose she was... Yah!" Shinji yelped as Asuka >put an arm around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. Asuka laughed at >Shinji's scare and strutted out of the hanger toward the locker room. >Another day of work over at last. As Misato would say, Miller Time! Kero: Or more accurately, Yebisu Time! Sakura: Don’t nitpick. >To Be Continued... Syaoran: In a fanfic we hope we’ll never read. Tomoyo: Never has the battle between good and evil been so dull. ** DEEP 13 “Well, I suppose that’s all for today,” Eriol said stretching his arms and yawning. “Next time I’ll have to send them something truly horrendous.” He paused. “I hope I’m not getting soft on them.” “Well,” said Spinel Sun. “You could always send them… ‘Sakura’s Story’…” Ruby Moon’s eyes widened. “That Street Fighter one? I thought we had that burned!” “No…” said Eriol. “It still exists…” An evil grin spread across his face. “Yes… I believe that one might be just right soon.” Ruby Moon shuddered involuntarily. Just then, Ayane walked through followed by two drones in lab coats with the Tecmo: Team Ninja logo on them who were carrying a body bag. “Should I ask?” Eriol said. “I found Leon hiding in the basement,” Ayane explained. “So I had to knock on the door with this.” She held up an AK-47. Spinel Sun shook his head. “This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder. It’s like we’re in some kind of strange crossover,” he said as Ayane and her goons headed for the exit. “Funny…” said Ruby Moon flipping through a copy of ‘Tsubasa: The Reservoir Chronicle’. “It seems we’ve already been in one of those.” “Just push the button, Ruby Moon,” said Eriol. Ruby Moon, not even looking up from her reading, gave the button a smack. ** THE REAL END (Feel free to hum ‘Catch You, Catch Me’ as the credits roll.) Well, some of you may be wondering what happened to “To Live Again”. I’m afraid that’s a bit of a long story. Apparently when Lionel Dark (aka sorakh) got permission for the MSTing she didn’t realize that 1) Achie-san didn’t know what an MSTing was and 2) that the MSTing would be written by me. At least, that’s what I got out of my e-mails with both Adele-chan and Achie-san on this matter. So Achie wanted me to retract “To Live Again” and the result is that I’ve spent forever on an MSTing I can’t use (however, I did salvage the opening host segment since I liked it so much). While I don’t hold a grudge over this whole thing, I’ve decided to steer clear of reader suggestions for CCST3K for the remainder of Season Four since I just really don’t want anymore headaches like this one for a while. “Asuka Vs. Godzilla” has been the primary reason that my MSTings were falling behind. So many drafts got wiped out that I finally put it of the shelf until just now. Oh, and in case anybody was wondering about Ayane “recognizing” Sakura, it’s my own little in-joke. Lead Dead or Alive girl Kasumi is voiced in the games by none other than Sakura Tange, the voice of Sakura Kinomoto. Just in case anybody actually cares about that point. ^-^ Until next time… -CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) *_Season One_:* 1) _The Brain From Planet Arous_-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo 2) _The Mike Rhea Anthology_-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea (/Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss/) 3) _Neon Ranma Evangelion_-A Ranma ½ /Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By Khyron Kingkiller 4) _Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)_-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy 5) _Stolen_-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou 6) _Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2_)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy 7) _The True Power Of Love_-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul 8) _Marco Polo_-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou 9) _Madison__’s Mystery Crush_-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Chocolat* 10) _Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?_-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker *_Season Two_:* 11) _The Next Generation_-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu 12) _Caught In The Act_-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny 13) _The Shadow Leaders_-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker 14) _Shinji’s Alter-Ego_-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82 15) _Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla_-A Sailor Moon Fic By Flashman (Christian A. Rogers) 16) _Temples__, Captors And Knights (Part 1)_-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy 17) _No Need For CardCaptors_-A Tenchi Muyo/Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Christina Horton 18) _Temples__, Captors And Knights (Part 2)_-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy 19) _Mother, May I [Take Over The World]_-A Pokemon Fic By Mallet Boy 20) _Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really_-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By Golden Eyed Dragon * _Season Three_: * * * * *21) _Harry Potter And the Pantie Raiders_-A Harry Potter Fic By Ice Blue X 22) _The Unforgettable Promise_-A Love Hina Fic By KenshinRC 23) _To Find My Dad And Have A Family_-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By MoshiMoshiQueen 24) _Revolutionary Girl Asuka_-A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Joyce K. Wakabayashi 25) _A Dream Come True_-A CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Crystalina Rhapsody Draco 26) _The Only Constant_-A Star Trek: The Next Generation Fic By Stephen Ratliff 27) _The Lionel Dark Anthology_-Card Captor Sakura(CardCaptors)/Lord Of The Rings Fics By Lionel Dark (/Signs That Say You’re Like Lionel Dark/ More Signs The You’re Like Elle/ The Scythe Carrier/) 28) _The Ranma ½ Cast Does CCS-_A Ranma ½/CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Matthew Cline 29) _Megamon X_-A Pokemon/Megaman X Fic By Brock Shale 30) _Hotaru Goes To Hogwarts_-A Sailor Moon/Harry Potter Fic By Saturn Angels * _Season Four_: * * * 31) _The Bubblehead, The Jerk And The High School_-A Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing Fic By Jayde Summers (/w/// short True Search-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By SparkleOfEnergyHeidi/) 32) _Find You Again-_A Vision Of Escaflowne Fic By winged angel 33) _The XXX Files_-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Reanna R. King 34) _First Release_-A CardCaptor Sakura/Ranma ½ Fic By Wishbringer 35) _Bubblegum Card-Ep. 3.1415_-A Bubblegum Crisis/X-Men Fic By Kris Overstreet 36) _The Black Hole_-A Pokemon Fic By Dr. Thinker 37) _If You Only Knew_-An Angelic Layer Fic By LRPLI Little Rabbit (/w/// short Teaching Aeris-A Final Fantasy VII Fic By Sirius/ /Dogstar/) 38) _Asuka Vs. Godzilla_-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By Austin Covello *_Deep Fried SPAM_: * * * * *1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net 2) Now Offering For Your “Sensitive” Delight… New And Improved! 3) Why RPGs Should Be Severely Censored And Devoid Of Character Development *_Specials_:__* -/Christmas Special/-_Under The Mistletoe/Tsubasa Gets What He Deserves_-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea -/Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 1/-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama -/Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 2/-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama -/X-01: The Beginning/-A Manga Translation By Tonghyun “Vajra” Kim and Edited By Iain Sinclair (MSTed with April Hamilton) * _Other MSTings:_* * _Totally Spies Theater 3000_:* * _Season One_:* * * 1) _What If Meowth Was A Girl?_-A Pokemon Fic By Dr. Thinker 2) _Sailor Trigger_-A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger Fic By Sailor Koban (/w/// short BB Hood’s Rampage-A DarkStalkers Fic By FlamingSmileyFace/) 3) _Believe_-A Street Fighter Fic By Blackjack Gabianni 4) _Beverly Hills__ Zombie_-A Totally Spies Fic By A Psychedelic Leviathan and The Fighting Jesus *_The CCST3K Magical MSTery Mini-Series Collection_:* * * * _Li Clan Chronicles_:* 1) _Obsession (Part 1)_-A CardCaptor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny >She sauntered back to her room, deliberately swiveling her hips to >make her walk more sensual. 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