Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "Athena Prospects- Mango Version" By Stephen Ratliff Misting by: Doug Atkinson Matt Blackwell Kevin Gowen Raf Kaplan Bill Livingston Mighty Jack John C. Mozena Rottweiller Tom Salyers WereTorgo Dedicated to the Memory of DeForrest Kelly, who never had the privilege of appearing in a Ratliff story. He'll be missed. "Why did I post that. Couldn't I have waited. How quickly can I replace that. Is it possible to remove the existance of Time Speeder from the continum?" ---Stephen Ratliff to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc September 24, 1997 [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [The Bridge of the SoL] [A small, lit stage has been assembled on top of the command console. Tom, dressed in a skimpy gold outfit, is atop it, dancing as seductively as a fireplug shaped robot with inarticulate arms can. Crow stands nearby, watching Tom. In the background, "Like the Desert Needs the Rain" is playing.] Crow: No, no. I still can't see why they find this to be appealing. Tom: Huh. How about this then? [Tom begins dancing in a different manner. We think.] Crow: Nope. Not a thing. [Crow turns towards Cambot.] Hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Crow T. Robot, and the mean, lean, dancing machine with me is Tom Servo, Esq. We're continuing our studies into what makes humans tick. Today, we're looking at dancing. Humans seem so fascinated by this... Tom: [still dancing] Crow? Can I stop dancing now? [The commercial sign begins to flash.] Crow: Not just yet. I think that I'm almost to an explanation. Just keep dancing through the commercial. [To Cambot] We'll be right back. [Commercials] [The Bridge. Tom is still dancing, but very slowly.] Tom: Crow? Can I pleeeease stop dancing? Crow: Almost there... Tom: Come on! I think my internal gyroscope is off line now. Crow: No! There must be an answer somewhere! [Enter Mike, who's carrying enough guns to make John Woo envious.] Crow: Hey Mike? Do you find Tom's dancing to be calling to you on a way too primal to articulate? [Mike glances quickly at Tom, then turns back to Crow.] Mike: No. Crow? Where'd you leave the time machine? Crow: It's over in the corner. Mike: Thanks. [Mike exits.] Tom: See? Mike doesn't find my dancing to be interesting at all! I'm going to stop now! Crow: No, no! Mike's not a valid test subject! He's been . . . stuck . . . up . . . here . . . [Crow trails off and the bots turn to look in the direction that Mike exited.] Tom: [Hesitantly] Why was Mike ...? Crow: [Hesitantly] And why was he...? Bots: Uh-oh. [The bots rush over to the right hand side of the screen, with Cambot panning to follow them. Mike busily adjusts controls on the time machine.] Crow: Say, Mike? What are you planning to do with that time machine? Mike: Oh, I'm going to go back in time to see Stephen Ratliff. Crow: Oh. See, Tom? Nothing to worry... [Crow pauses and turns slowly back towards Mike.] Crow: Mikey? Is there a reason why you're planning to see Stevie? Tom: Aside from general principles, of course. Mike: Simple. Time Speeder. I now know that Time Speeder is the root cause of all problems in the world. And I'm going to stop it. Crow: All problems? Mike: Sure. What's the worst story the mads ever sent to us? Time Speeder. What story do they hope to surpass in sheer lousiness every time they send us something? Time Speeder. What story is etched into my nightmares? Time Speeder. Why didn't the Packers win their last Superbowl? Time Speeder! And it's time the terror ends. Tom: Uh-huh. Why don't you lie down, Mike? [The time machine whirls to life.] Mike: There's no time for that! I need to say 'hi' to Stevie! [Mike leaps into the machine.] Crow: We'd better follow him. Tom: Why? I'm not a big fan of Ratliff myself. Crow: Tom, Mike's loose in the past. *Mike*. We'll be lucky if he only ends up causing the collapse of civilization! Tom: Good point. [Tom and Crow leap into the machine. Cambot follows the duo and heads into the temporal maelstrom, allowing us to see one heck of a special effect as he travels in time.] [Radford University, Late 1994] [A dorm hallway. Far ahead of the camera view, we see Mike. Tom and Crow are jogging, trying to catch up. Cambot lags behind.] Tom: Mike! Wait up! Crow: You're not really going to kill him, are you? Mike: Kill him? No, that would be rude. Tom: You're not going to try and steal his mojo either? Mike: No. That's been done. I'm just going to keep him away from writing. Say, do you think he'd like a date with Rebecca Romijn? She and I are really close. Tom: Sure you are, Mike. [Mike stops in front of a door.] Mike: Well, here we are. [Mike knocks on the door and waits. After a few moments, a bespectacled young man steps to the door.] Stephen: Yes? Can I help you? Mike: Stephen Ratliff? Stephen: Yes. Do I know you? Say, are those robots? Mike: Never mind them. Stephen, right now you're considering writing a story about a plucky little girl who becomes a starship captain. Don't write it. Down that way lies only madness. Do you understand? Stephen: Well, no... Mike: And whatever you do, do not write a story where she heads back in time to stop some bad guys from destroying Starfleet! Am I clear? Stephen: Not really... Mike: Good. I'm glad we understand each other. [Mike exits. The bots and Stephen stare at each other for a second.] Crow: So, what's on TV? Stephen: I'm watching DS9. Tom: Do you have anything to drink? Mike: [O.S.] Guys! Get over here! Crow: Well, see you. [Tom and Crow quickly exit. Cambot waits behind.] Stephen: It was nice meeting you! [mumbling] Hmm. A time traveling human with robot friends. That could work... [Stephen nods slowly, and shuts the door behind him. Cambot pans away from the door. The really neat time travel effect runs again.] [SoL] [The Bridge] [Mike seems abnormally pleased with himself.] Mike: Well, that's it. No more Time Speeder. Say, maybe I can head back in time and head off that "Eye of Argon" guy, too... Crow: Mike, I've got a really bad feeling about this... Tom: Yeah, this went off far too easily. Mike: Nonsense. Stephen saw the rightness of my words, and followed my advice. Now, who's up for some Jiffy Pop? [The mads light has begun to flash.] Mike: Well, let's see what Pearl has in store for us now that she can't send us any more Marrissa stories. [Mike taps the flashing light.] [Deep 13] [Dr. Forrester, dressed in his standard lime green lab coat stands mid screen. TV's Frank, dressed as a cowboy, stand behind him, twirling a pair of six-shooters.] Dr. F: Howdy, my little Rocky Mountain hamsters! [SoL] [Stunned silence from the crew.] Tom: Doctor Forrester? Mike: Is that really you? [Deep 13] Dr. F: No, Mike. I'm one of the throngs of Clayton Forrester impersonators roaming the country these days. Of course it's me! Frank: Steve? Is it time for the hoedown yet? Dr. F: Not yet, Frank. [SoL] Tom: But, but... the starbaby... Mike: The Edge of the Universe... [Deep 13] Dr. F: Look, Mike. I don't have time for your little games tonight. Frank and I are heading out for a prairie dog hunt thanks to my cousin, Bill. Frank: I get to be the varmint wrangler! Dr. F: So, we're just going to cut to the chase. We've got a new story from one of your favorite authors... [SoL] Mike: Let me guess: Dave Gonterman? Ludwig Plutonium? Brannon Braga? Jan Michael Vincent? [Deep 13] Dr. F: None of those, boobie! It's your all-time number one favorite source of pain - Stephen Ratliff! [SoL] Mike: WHAT?! Crow: [snicker] Way to convince him, Mike. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Stephen Ratliff. You know, the author of those *wonderful* stories about Slap Ripclaw... [SoL] Mike: Um, who? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Oh, I see. You're going to do the "Mike can't remember who Ratliff is" schtick again. Frank: Gee Mike, you tried this in "Across the Anihc Frontier" too. Dr. F: Still, if it makes you happy, I'll play along. Slap Ripclaw, hero of Stephen's little 'Time Corp' series. Frank: Slap Ripclaw; long lost heir to the Czar's crown? Dr. F: Brave leader of the Minosian regency? Frank: Destroyer of the evil Cketra horde? Dr. F: [heroic voice] Slap Ripclaw, of the Time Corp, journeying from time to time, preventing wrongs and setting things right. Frank: Slap, who, along with his robot companions, Stubby and Pete Pinbeak, are the only force keeping Earth from complete anarchy. [SoL] [The bots stare at Mike, who has his head buried in his hands.] Tom: Gee Mike, this sounds awfully familiar. Crow: Yeah, I wonder where Stephen got the idea? Mike: No, no, no. This can't be happening... [Deep 13] Dr. F: Unfortunately, this isn't one of his 'Time Corp' series. Frank: It's a another one of those Star Trek stories that he wrote for a while then ditched for the Time Corp stuff. [SoL] Mike: [head still in hands] Let me guess, it's called Time Speeder? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Time Speeder? Frank: Boy, there's a stupid name. Dr. F: No, this one's called "Athena Prospects." It's about a trip to Mars. I think. Enjoy the pain, Mike. Frank: Shouldn't we be a moseying along? Dr. F: Frank, there's been a slight change of plans. Would you mind opening that box? Frank: Sure thing! [Frank opens the box and pulls out a large, furry costume.] Dr. F: It seems that the environmentalists are complaining about shooting those cute, defenseless vermin, so we've had to go with an alternative plan. Frank: Well, am I still invited? Dr. F: Just put on the suit, Frank. You'll be the guest of honor. Frank: Ohboyohboyohboy... [scampers off to get dressed] Dr. F: [shakes his head] Sometimes, it's so easy, I almost feel guilty. But only "almost". [SoL] [The Ratliff sign flashes merrily. Meanwhile, the bots glare at Mike.] Crow: Boy, it's a good thing there won't be any more Ratliff stories, huh, Mike? Tom: Yep. It'd be a real tragedy if we had to read one of those again. Mike: Would a pack of E.L. Fudge quiet you two down? Crow: No. Tom: Hit the sign, Mike. [Mike sighs and hits the light. The door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4. . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the bots enter and slowly walk to heir seats.] >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) Mike: Buckle in, guys. Here we go again. Crow: What sin could a bot commit in a sing- Mike: You've been doing that schtick for a while now. Crow: If it works, stick with it. >Subject: NEW Athena Prospects 00/11 (Marrissa Stories #10) Crow: Come visit Athena Prospects- 2, 3, and 4 bedroom townhouses now available. >Date: 04 Feb 1999 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <79cnfp$jh5@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > > >Title: Athena Prospects Mike: The fanfic formerly known as Time Speeder. >Author: Stephen Ratliff Crow: Shall we? Mike: Why not? Tom: I'm not gonna scream this time. Mike: Why? Tom: Ahh, I already screamed back when it was "Time Speeder". Besides, I've still got a touch of bronchitis. Mike: Oh. Well, can we go ahead? Tom: Be my guest. Mike: Thanks. Mike & Crow: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] Tom: Whew, no skinny dipping scene! >Codes: n/a Mike: Oh, no, not one of those annoying Neelix/Alexander slash stories. >Parts: NEW 1/1 > Crow: Scratch that, I think we've got Bynar slash here. >Summary: >Shortly After Marrissa Mike: At a cinema near you. > leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second >Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship >and attempt to change the past. Tom: They kidnapped the CEO of some cable TV channel in 1999 and made him watch bad movies until he caved in and signed a contract to extend a silly TV show he had planned to cancel. > With the help of the Clintons, Crow: Horndog, Harridan, and How'd-I-Get-Stuck-With-Parents-Like- These. >Marrissa, Wesley, Mike: The Teletubbies, Scooby-Doo, and Roger Ramjet, > and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them >from stopping the first manned mission to Mars. > >Author's Forward. > Tom: Writing's backward. Mike: Be nice. > This was Time Speeder. Mike: It...it's over already? I can't believe it! This was the shortest Ratliff that I've-- > It's change a lot. Mike: Oh. Shoot. > Back when I >released Time Speeder, I was over confident. Mike: Your over-confidence is your weakness! Tom: Your faith in your friends is yours! > Only once I had >released it did I realize what a mess that story was. [All gasp] Tom: Is - is Stephen becoming self-aware? Crow: Stranger things have happened. Tom: Name one! > Revising a >story isn't easy, especially when sequels are already out. Crow: [Ratliff] It's hard 'fessing up to bonehead mistakes while making sure my rewrites don't violate the nutty historical continuity I've created. >Certain events have to happen. Tom: Ratliff releases a story. It gets laughed at. Sure as sunrise. > The basic plot has to stay >(although it can mutate in strange and annoying ways.) Mike: A strange and annoying mutation? Tom: You know: Like when you grow a second head, and it has Fran Drescher's voice. Mike: Ah. > In the >case of this story, I was revising it while those other stories >were being written, so a lot of the changes were revealed first >in those stories. Tom: So the backstory was actually released in sequels that were released before this? > (Much to the confusion of many of my readers) >That may have been a mistake. [The lights in the theater dim, and an image of a stained glass window appears on the screen. A light illuminates the trio from underneath.] Mike: This has been a moment of clarity. [The lights and screen return to normal.] > In any case, a lot has changed. Gone are Senators Robb and >Warner (although they did get a mention) Mike: Marrissa said, "Hi, Senators Robb and Warner!" > Gone is the >Congressional Plot. Crow: Along with approximately 7000 would-be Republican Speakers. > In its place is a new one, one with more >action, Crow: Well, G-rated action. So instead of phasering the bad guys, they just shove them in a pool in evening wear. > a more southerly setting, Mike: The U.S. Capitol has been relocated to Cabo San Lucas for the duration of the Clinton Presidency. Tom: Plus, Marrissa will be right at home with dem Duke boys. > and one that I think fits the >characters better. Tom: In addition, four minutes of lost footage have been restored to bring it closer to the director's original vision. The Ten Forward scene now includes dozens of digitally-added aliens, as opposed to the original, which contained one old guy in a parka. The appearance by Elric the Technomage in the last scene is now supported by earlier plot material, and all accidental references to Wesley as "ratface" have been deleted. > What's up next for the Marrissa Stories? Mike: I bet it's wacky hijinks with the zany starship crew next door. Crow: Nah, it'll be a slam-bang, thrill-a-minute, adrenaline- charged race against time. Tom: I think it'll be a critically-acclaimed tour-de-force with Marrissa staging a triumphant one-woman performance of "Victoria Regina". > Well, I'm >currently working on a story set after the Last Romulan War, Tom: In which, I guess, Marrissa must have exterminated the Romulans. >among many others. Mike: Stephen "Spielberg" Ratliff presents: "Saving Ensign Throwaway". > I'm also looking for a job, so Marrissa >Stories may come a lot slower from now on. Mike: [Stephen] By the way, will the people at Voyager *please* stop calling me? I'm not interested. > In any case, please enjoy the latest installment of the >Marrissa Stories, Athena Prospects. > Crow: Oh, we will! [cackles insanely] >Stephen Ratliff >Roanoke, VA Mike: He's already found a job with the Veterans' Administration. Tom: That was quick. >December 23, 1998 Tom: A date which will live - in inf- Mike: Too obvious. > >Historian's Note: Crow: Pick up loaf of bread, gallon of milk, light bulbs, and a few 16th century relics on the way home. > >This story occurs after A Royal Mess and Home for Christmas. It >occurs before First Contact. Mike: Which means the line must be drawn HEEYAH!!!! > Premier Maquis follows it. Mike: Marquis! Tom: Maqui! Crow: Marqui! Mike: Marqui Mark! [All shudder.] > >The following Stories will be reposted in the next week or so >since they proceed "Athena Prospects" > Crow: Oh, no - no - he wouldn't! Mike: He couldn't! Tom: He can't! >00 The Field Trip All: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!! HE IS!!!! >01 Enterprized Crow: What sin could a bot commit in a single lifetime? Mike: Stop that! >02 Battle For Bajor Mike: Now available on Playstation and N64! >03 All the King's Horses Tom: And once again the specter of horse racing rears its ugly head! >04 Cadet Cruise Mike: Now standard on all 2379 model starships. >05 Who Q? Where Q? Tom: Why us? >06a Away From Home: The Away Mission Crow: 6*a*?!? Ratliff's splitting 2-for-1. Mike: He gets a good return ratio on all that evil. >06b Away From Home: Chasing Marrissa Tom: Starring Joey Lauren Adams as Marrissa. Crow: Ben Affleck as Jay Alan Gordon. Tom: And special guest appearance by Patterson Supra as "Banky". Mike: Uh, guys, do we really want to go that route? [pause] Crow: I see your point. >07 The Captain and the Doctor Crow: That one was almost OK. Tom: Relatively speaking. Crow: Well, sure. >08 A Royal Mess Mike: The understatement of the year. >09 Home For Christmas Tom: [crooning] Yo-o-o-ou can count on me-e-e-e. > >-- >Stephen Ratliff Radford University >sratliff@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"My people have a reputation for arrogance. I'm afraid it's well >earned." Tom: Hey, what's a George Lucas quote doing in a Trek fic? > -- Kretek, Romulan Liaison Officer, "Image in the Sand" Mike: o/~ Circles in the sand, round and round. o/~ >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW Athena Prospects 01/11 (Marrissa Stories #10) Tom: Collect the entire painful series! >Date: 04 Feb 1999 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <79cnha$jh5@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: Athena Prospects Crow: Thar's gold in them thar ancient Greek deities! >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] Mike: Mike Medved will approve of this one then. >Codes: n/a Crow: That's what I said- "na!" >Parts: NEW 1/11 > > >101374 Tom: [narrator] The early days of the Ford Administration were marked with strife and uncertainty... >Prologue > > Lyam Sympton looked normal. Crow: But in fact, he was from the Kingdom of the Isles. > You would have never guessed >that those brown eyes and brown hair covered a obsessed man. Tom: [gasp] He's an an eye creature! Crow: And a whirrwulf! >Most people believed that Star Fleet was an organization devoted >to Crow: Getting Neilsen Ratings for UPN? > Science and Exploration, Mike: But it's actually an organization devoted to partying like frat boys. > which also protected the Federation's >borders. Tom: [John Cleese] Others, however, believed it was a ladies' sewing club in Sussex. > Lyam believed that it was a military organization Mike: [in tones of deep sarcasm] Noooooooooooo! > just >waiting for an opening to take over the Federation. Crow: He also believed that he was Kaiser Wilhelm, and someday soon, he and his followers would be guided back to Earth with the help of codes on the back of space stop signs. That is, if those pesky unmarked black runabouts didn't get to them first. > He was >willing to die for his convictions, and he wasn't the only one. Mike: Lots of other people wanted him to die for his convictions too. >So were his fellow members of Exploration Not Exploitation or >ENE, as the press referred to them. Crow: Well, when they weren't calling them "those goobers who couldn't find reality even if someone handed them a map." > However times being what they where, Tom: *sigh* Where times? There times. There pips. There wolf. Crow: We now have Ratliff confirmation. > he did not need to die. Tom: [Announcer voice] Yes, thanks to modern medicine and the wonders of corporate genetics research, he doesn't need to die. This message brought to you by the Big Pharmaceutical Companies Lobby. >He had a plan instead. Mike: And he had a canal too. > In order to carry out that plan however >he needed a constitution class starship. Tom: Luckily, the Federation world of Aissur had just gone bankrupt. > This was not an easy >item to find but if you looked hard enough one could be bought or >'borrowed'. Crow: [teen] Dad? Can I, like, borrow the USS Hood tonight? Mike: [basso] Okay, son, but no fooling around with the time stream. And this time, you'd bring it back without a scratch! Last time, you left Romulan phaser marks all over it! > As for why he wanted one, that was simple, perhaps too >simple. Tom: He wanted to put $3,000,000 on the ship, and then crash it onto a planet so that Billy Bob Thornton and Bill Paxton could find it. > Seeking more information to further his theory on Star >Fleet a friend of his had tapped into Star Fleet's mission log >recorders; in particular, those of the original Enterprise. Crow: There they found Captain Kirk's personal copy of "How To Pick Up Green-Skinned Alien Chicks - Every Time". > Lyam >had laughed at the irony that Star Fleet would provide it's own >undoing. Mike: It was like rain on your wedding day? Tom: Or was it like a free ride when you've already paid? Crow: It's probably like the good advice that you just can't take. Mike: I guess life just has a funny way of working things out. > > Marrissa Amber Picard, Crow: Again? Mike: Sure. Crow & Mike: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE! Tom: Guys? Please refrain. > Chief of Security, USS Enterprise, Crow: Queen Bee of the Galaxy... Tom: Slaughterer of Defenseless Alien Races... Crow: Terror of the adult world... Tom: Evil witch in league with the devil... >was lounging on her bed, with a pillow propped under her breast [All shudder] Mike: Again with the breasts! >and a PADD in her right hand. Crow: Was it the kind with the wings? > Her left hand was twirling her >long blond hair while she read the latest issue of Star Fleet's >Starship Captain's Adventures. Tom: [Marrissa] Let's see: "My Desperate Hours - Trapped in a Turbolift with a Bunch of Whiny, Annoying Kids" by Jean-Luc Pi- HEY!!! > She was smiling at Captain James T >Kirk's Corbinite Maneuver. Mike: [Kirk] I hate it when they reduce all the hard work I did for the Federation into a comic book for kiddies. Crow: I wonder if she's read the one where Melvin Belli has a bunch of kids take over the Enterprise. > "Incoming call for Lieutenant Marrissa >Picard from the USS Miranda," the Computer announced. Tom: The tyrant isn't in right now, so if you want an arbitrary exercise of authority, please press 1. For unbelievable plot devices, press 2. For silly cardboard characters, press 3. Press 4 for a dose of Ratliff gas. > Marrissa jumped off the bed, Tom: Landing on the sharp spikes carefully placed there by the cleaning staff. > pushed her hair back behind her >shoulders and faced her view screen. "On Screen," She ordered. Mike: Uh-oh. The only other person who always gets His pronouns capitalized is God. This bodes ill. > A >red haired vulcan appeared. Tom: Hey, Agent T'Scully! > "Lieutenant Marrissa Picard I presume?" Mike: Nope, just Doctor Livingstone. > Marrissa nodded. >"I'm Captain T'Gwen Washington. Crow: [T'Gwen] Before you ask, yes, it is a wig. > I've accepted your application >as Fighter Commander on the Stargazer. Mike: [T'Gwen] With you around, I'm guessing my ship can never be destroyed! > You'll also be serving as >its second officer." Mike: [T'Gwen] Of course, we expect you to be commanding the ship before the end of the week, so please pack accordingly. > "Thank you sir," Marrissa responded. "I assume that my >father has indicated that he will let me go?" Tom: [Marrissa] It's starting to hurt a little. > "He has." Crow: [T'Gwen] Well, he didn't really *say* anything, but his ashes kind of shifted a little in their urn. > "Then when and where should I report aboard?" Marrissa >asked. Tom: [T'Gwen] Go to the Romulan Neutral Zone, and we'll be along to pick up you up. Eventually. Really! > "The Stargazer will be rendezvousing with the Enterprise in >two days," Captain Washington responded. "Admiral Scott will >yield command you then. Mike: Admiral Scott will command her? Tom: I don't like where this is going... Crow: [T'Gwen] He'll also turn over the ship's prepositions at that time. > You will meet up with me and our >Cardassian First Officer at Deep Space Nine." Crow: [bosun's whistle] Gratuitous crossover ahoy! Tom: [T'Gwen] Incidentally, I'd like you to have a friendly chat with Sisko. No, this has nothing to do with that argument he and I have about baseball. > "Aye sir," Marrissa responded. "It will be a pleasure >serving with you." Tom: [T'Gwen] I could say the same, but Vulcans cannot lie. > "Oh and one more thing," Captain Washington said. Mike: [T'Gwen] Have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of encyclopedias? > "Since >you'll be serving as Second Officer, I'm promoting you to >Lieutenant Commander, effective immediately." Mike: [T'Gwen] Ah, to heck with it. Let's cut to the chase. I'm promoting you to Federation President. Crow: And T'Gwen becomes the latest in a long string of Starfleet adults to fall prey to Marrissa's insidious mind control. > "Thank you sir." > "You're welcome, Miranda out." > >-- >Stephen Ratliff Radford University >sratliff@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > Tom: Isn't there some sort of rule about sig file lengths? Mike: Hey, be glad he's not still using those ASCII graphics! >"My people have a reputation for arrogance. I'm afraid it's well >earned." -- Kretek, Romulan Liaison Officer, "Image in the Sand" > Crow: Glenn Close *is* Kretek in "Dangerous Romulan Liaisons"! > >NEW TNG Athena Prospects 02/11 (Marrissa Stories) >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Date: 1999/02/11 >Forum: alt.startrek.creative >Posted on: 1999/02/11 >Message-ID: <79uuof$ouq@newslink.runet.edu> >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Tom: Hey, since "Phantom Menace" just came out, does that mean there's gonna be an "alt.starwars.creative" soon? [pause] Mike: I wish you'd stop having thoughts like that. >Organization: Radford University >Title: Athena Prospects >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] Mike: No, GTE. >Codes: n/a Crow: Code n? Code a? What secret mystery is there in this? >Parts: NEW 02/11 > >Summary: >Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second >Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship >and attempt to change the past. Crow: Sadly, though, Jerry Springer still exists. > With the help of the Clintons, Tom: "Help from the Clintons" - there's an oxymoron if ever I've seen one! >Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them >from stopping the first manned mission to Mars. >101374 Mike: The grams of chocolate Counselor Troi consumes in one sitting. >Chapter One > All: Audience Zero. Mike: The old ones are the best. > Marrissa rushed out of her room to find someone to tell her >good news to. Tom: She was gratified to see that all of them agreed that it was the best news ever in the history of the universe. > Out in the living room, Rear Admiral Jean-Luc >Picard Mike: I've really got to question the thinking behind the creation of that rank title. > was lifting his sleeping twenty month old daughter >Jacqueline off the couch. Crow: [Picard] Off! I said, stay off the couch! Bad baby! Bad! > Seeing the onrushing Marrissa, Tom: He screamed hysterically and ran out of the room. > he put >his finger to his mouth and said, Mike: [Picard] QUIET, YOU STUPID TROLLOP! CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S SLEEPING!!? > "Shhhh." Crow: [Dr. Evil] I've got a whole bag of "shh" here with your name on it... Tom: There *is* a resemblance. > "Sorry," Marrissa whispered. "I just learnt that I got the >post on the Stargazer." Mike: [Picard] Yep. I already packed your bags. Here's your hat, here's your coat, write soon, buhbye. > "I know," her adoptive father replied. As he gently laid >Jackie up against himself and began to carry the little girl to >her room. "I had to approve your transfer, remember." Mike: [Picard] I thought I'd *never* find a captain green enough to scam you off on! > "I never thought I'd get it." [All laugh merrily.] > Marrissa gushed. Tom: Marrissa, Royal Geyser of Essex. > "I've got to >tell Clara." Crow: [Marrissa] Yep, time to lord it over the less fortunate... > > Clarrissa Ann Sutter was looking over the latest in warp >drive design in her Popular Engineering Magazine. Crow: Why not emphasize her general geekiness more? Give her thick glasses, why don't you? Mike: Poor Clara. Destined to forever be second banana to Marrissa, to forever have her geekiness rubbed in so we'll forget how much smarter than Marrissa she is... Tom: Clara, we sympathize! Mike: Crow, write Clara into your next cross-over! [Pause] Mike: I do *NOT* believe I just said that. > The Alpha >Shift Warp Drive Systems Supervisor's desk was full of such >publications, Crow: Which Clara stole on a regular basis. > mingled among her Science, Social Studies, and Tom: ...warp-capable My Little Pony doll. >Klingon Homework. Tom: Excuse me? KLINGON homework? Crow: You know how she is. NO mistakes when she finally gets Alexander! > On the bed behind her was her Princess gown, Tom: And I thought they just made phones. >thrown there after the thirteen-year-old had gotten out of the >diplomatic reception early that morning. Mike: It showed a bit of wear after all night partying, though. Tom: Clarrissa Ann Sutter - engineering genius, diplomatic extraordinaire, and president of the Glee Club. > Her silver taira Tom: Taira? Mike: Just when you though it was safe to come out... Crow: Clarrissa, Queen of the Desert. > still >adorned her long black hair. Crow: And that's *all* that adorned her! Woo! Woo! Mike: Crow, you're "woo"-ing over a 13-year old! Crow: I am? Geez! I might be suffering from Ratliff over-exposure. > The door chimed. "Enter." Crow: [Marrissa] Hey, you've got a talking door now! Give it to me! > Marrissa entered, her new Lieutenant Commander's pip now >fastened neatly to her collar. Tom: Just out of regulations, of course. Not to show off, or anything. > "Clara, I just got some good >news." Tom: [Clara] The swelling's gone down? Happy news indeed, my liege! > "Star Fleet just approved a warp system control capacitor >upgrade," Clara said. Mike: [Marrissa] Yes! Isn't it just the grandest thing?!? > "How would I hear about that?" Marrissa questioned. Crow: [Clara] Your vast network of spies and informants. How else? > Then >she noticed the periodical Clara had been reading. "Popular >Engineering? Interesting reading." Mike: [Marrissa] *I* read "Unpopular Engineering." I like the agonizer blueprints. > "I bet you were reading that Captain's Adventure trash," >Clara responded. Crow: [Marrissa] Hey! It's the swimsuit issue! I have to know what the latest fashions are! Besides, that Captain Pike is dreamy... > "Lieutenant, don't trash my reading," Marrissa responded >smiling at the usual response. Mike: Marrissa, laughing at your own jokes once is OK. Laughing at a joke you apparently make every time is absolutely in character. > "At least my reading helps me do my job," Clara responded >looking up at Marrissa. Crow: That's right; everything you do must serve to make a better cog in the machine that is Starfleet. > Her eyes fastened to the three pips on >her friend's collar. Tom: I could never be friends with someone who removed my eyes. > "Commander?" Tom: Commander? I hardly even know her! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! Crow: Ugh! Mike: Never, never again. > "I told you I had good news," Marrissa responded. Mike: [Marrissa] You will bow before me immediately, knave! Insult my reading, will you? > "I got >the position on the Stargazer." Crow: [Clara)] Hey, that's the one assigned to the suicide mission, right? Oops, forget I spoke. > "Fighter Commander?" Clara stated. Crow: "That's right." she asked. Mike: Next promotion she gets to command the pilots, too. > "Yeah and Second Officer as well," Marrissa added. "I never >thought I'd get either position. Tom: [Marrissa] I thought they'd make me Captain and First Officer, but I guess I'll have to wait another month. > I'm only just turned fifteen. Mike: That's it, Stephen - keep casually throwing the implausibility of it all in the reader's face. >I just applied because I wanted to get out from under my father's >command." Tom: [Marrissa] It's high time I got a place of my own. Of course, he'll still have to give me rides and stuff. > "You're leaving the Enterprise," Clara remarked, her eyes >dropping and her shoulders slumping. Crow: Geez, she's melting into the deck! Mike: That or her leprosy just came out of remission! > "Great, that means I've got >the Kid's Crew Captain's job. Crow: [Clara] Now *I'LL* be the one they all spit on. > One more duty into my already >packed day." Mike: She may have to give up the presidency of the N'Sync fan club. > "You can give it to Shayna," Marrissa responded, gently >prodding her young friend. Tom: Yeah. She'll command *anything*! > "Marrissa, you remember the last time we put Shayna in >command of a scenario?" Clara exclaimed, her hands thrusting out >in a gesture of frustration. Mike: [Clara] I mean, she'll probably let *boys* on the bridge or something. > "You mean the Khitomer Scenario, in which she lasted almost >the full ten minutes necessary," Marrissa responded. Tom: Sure, the ambassador dropped dead after five, and all the crew after nine, but *Shayna* almost made the full ten. Crow: The "hide under the desk until the bad guys go away" technique soon became standard for all Kids Crews. Mike: Heck, Picard used that one for years. > "So she's >no James T. Kirk." Mike: Well, give her time - eventually, she'll get fat, start overacting and have to wear a rug, too. Crow: On the plus side, she does look better in one of those Triskelion gladiator outfits than Kirk did. > "You know she'll be my number one," Clara remarked. Tom: That's because the tide is high and she's holding on. > "Do you >really want her to have a chance to command this ship?" Tom: [Clara] I mean SURE the whole adult command crew plus me would have to be incapacitated, but that's fairly likely you know. > "She's not that bad," Marrissa dead panned. Mike: Just like Leslie Neilsen. > "You need your memory refreshed," Clara said. "Remember >when we let her take command during a simulation of the Battle of >Tarkcommon III? Tom: [Falsetto] Nothing but a common tark! > She had the ship turn and run." Mike: [Marrissa] So? My dad does the same thing. Remember last week when we ran away from that ferocious space debris? > "She was out numbered three to one," Marrissa said. "It was >good tactical sense." Crow: Stephen! Stop having Marrissa talk sense! > "And what do you do in that situation?" Clara inquired. Tom: [Marrissa] Oh, Ratliff usually has two of the enemy ships collide and then the commander of the third will trip over his shoelaces into the navigation panel causing it to spin out of control into a nearby asteroid. I'm telling you, it's so much fun being me! > "I plot a firing course past the enemies and into the star's >corona," Marrissa said. "Then I exit it tractoring a portion >behind me. Crow: She tractors part of the star's corona behind her to take out ships? Mike: That's a STRONG beer! > That usually takes out one or two making the odds >much better." Tom: [Marrissa] And what's more, no matter how many times we pull this lame maneuver, they *never* see it coming. Mike: So they just stand stock still and let her drag sizzling plasma across their flight paths. Crow: Well, they'd better! Otherwise, she'll be very cross indeed! > "You tip the odds," Clara said. "I do that. Jay does that. >Shayna runs home to mommy." Tom: Yeah, how dare she escape from overwhelming odds and let her crew survive and stuff? The *nerve*! > "Her ship survives every time," Marrissa said. "The same >can not be said for us." > Tom: Oh, sure. Like Stephen's going to kill you off. >-- >Stephen Ratliff Radford University >sratliff@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator > >Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble >Awards? [Silence] Tom: Were we supposed to? Crow: Did we miss a memo? Mike: Lemme look - [paper shuffling noises] no, I don't - Wait, here it is... [pulls out a piece of paper] Damn! We *were* supposed to! > >Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/ Mike: Well, I guess we better go there and vote. Tom: We might as well. We need a breather anyway. [The trio stands and quickly exits the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Gypsy is putting the finishing touches on some sort of contraption. Mike watches Gypsy finish her work. Nearby, a computer sits on the console.] Gypsy: Here you go, guys. One gen-u-ine temporal stability field, to keep pesky changes in the timeline from affecting you while you're on the bridge and in the theater. I'm not sure why you suddenly need one of these, but you're the bosses. Mike: Thanks, Gypsy. Gypsy: Whatever. [Gypsy exits. As she exits, peppy music begins to swell on the Bridge. Tom and Crow, dressed in tuxedoes and top hats, dance into view.] Crow: o/~ It's the first annual ASCA Tribble Awards! o/~ Tom: o/~ They'll be swell! They'll be great! Gonna see Neelix's head on a plate! o/~ Mike: Guys? We're a bit pressed for time. Can you skip the song? Tom: Fine. Make me skip my Gershwin medley. Crow: Tom, the URL, please? [Tom produces an engraved invitation.] Tom: Right here! In embossed filigree font too! Mike? If you'll do the honors? [Mike walks over to the computer. The bots follow. Typing SFX can be heard.] Mike: Okay, there you go. The rest of this should be point and click. Now, if you'll excuse me... Crow: Where're you going? Mike: I'm going to try and fix the time line. Be back soon. [Exit Mike.] Tom: Shouldn't we stop him? Crow: Nah. We've got the Tribble Awards to deal with. [A loud hum can be heard off stage.] Tom: Good point. Okay, let's see what we've got. Pick a series. Crow: Next Gen? Tom: Sure. [Click] General, Crossover, Romance, Drama, Hu... Crow: General. Tom: Got it. [click] Hey! I don't recognize any of these! Crow: That's a good sign. No theater victims. Tom: Yep. First nominee, "Where no one has gone before." Picard and the crew encounter an unknown alien race, out to control the galaxy. That doesn't sound too bad. Crow: Next up. "First Contact" Picard and the crew encounter an unknown alien race, out to control the galaxy. Tom: Hmm. Third entry. "The Space Bugs from Arcturus Prime." Picard and the crew encounter... Okay, I think we get the gist of this one. Crow: Fourth, "Picard and Crusher Get it on." Tom: Let's skip... Crow: Picard and the crew encounter an unknown alien race, out to control the galaxy. Then Picard and Crusher get it on. Tom: "First Contact Redux." Picard and... Sigh. Let's skip ahead to the DS9 nominees... Crow: Let's go with the bugs. [click] Huh? File not found? Hey? Why are there five different stories in there now? Tom: We must have loaded the wrong year's nominees. Let's vote for that one. [click] Crow: 404 again. Hey! Wait a minute! I know for a fact that James Carville doesn't write fanfic! Tom: Mike's plan for fixing the timeline must not be doing well. Crow: Sigh. I'll go get him. [Crow exits.] Tom: Hey! Now Tom Hanks is writing C/T slash! Crow: [O.S.] Download that one! [Another loud hum is heard offstage. Tom continues to watch the screen.] Tom: Let's see what's in crossovers... [click] "Treklander XXV", "Jane Austen's Enterprise", "A Voyager/Deliverance crossover", "The Powerpuff Borg" and "James T. Kirk: International Man of Mystery". Gee, these seem almost normal... [The mads light begins to flash. Tom hits it without thinking.] Tom: Yeah? [The scene shifts to the old KTMA set. Dr. Ernhardt and Dr. Forrester, sans mustache and lab coat, stand before a wall of television monitors.] Dr. F: Evening, Tom. How goes the story? And what's with the penguin suit? [SoL] Tom: Doctor Forrester? Larry? What... [mumbling] Blast you, Mike. [Normal] Oh, we're doing fine. Mike just went for a walk though... [A loud hum can once again be heard.] Tom: ...and here he comes now! Mike: [O.S.] I could have sworn that Ratliff was driving that white Bronco! Crow: [O.S.] Mike, it was one of the biggest stories of the decade! How could you mess up like that? [Mike and Crow enter and glance at the screen. Crow shrieks at what he sees.] Crow: AHHH! Oh, hi Dr. F! Dr. E! How are you today? I well you are hope! Mike: Crow? Tom? Who's that pudgy guy with the glasses? Tom: Just ignore that! Mike's feeling a bit off today! [The Ratliff sign begins to flash.] Crow: Oh! Look at that! Gotta go! Tom: Bless you, sweet sign of Ratliff! Mike: What the heck is going on? [Mike is ignored as Crow hits the flashing Ratliff sign.] [KTMA] Dr. F: Huh. Dr. E: Boy, Mike is acting goofy today. And what did he do to those poor bots' voices? Dr. F: I think Mike was fiddling around again and altered their voice modulators. Dr. E: Well, he better change them back. I hate Tom Servo's new voice. [Back on the SoL, the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the bots enter and sit down.] Mike: No, really, who was that guy? Crow: We'll explain later, Nelson. Tom: Boy, I never realized how weird his voice sounded. >From sratliff@runet.edu Fri Feb 19 18:35:22 1999 >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 03/11 (Marrissa Stories) >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Date: 20 Feb 1999 01:35:22 GMT > > >Title: Athena Prospects >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] Crow: At least it'll probably do as well at the box office as "Babe in the City" did. >Codes: n/a >Parts: NEW 03/11 > >Summary: >Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second >Officer on the Stargazer, Crow: Picard throws a great big old bash to celebrate! > a group of extremists steal a starship >and attempt to change the past. Tom: Sadly, though, George Steinbrenner still exists. > With the help of the Clintons, >Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them >from stopping the first manned mission to Mars. >101374 Mike: The apparent number of shuttlecraft on board Voyager. >Chapter Two > Crow: The Wrath of Khan! > Marrissa materialized in the Stargazer's transporter room. >It appeared to be not quite complete. Tom: In fact, you could see the camera crew through the gap in one wall. > None of the walls had >panels covering their circuitry. Mike: What an open invitation to electrocution. Tom: Particularly since Starfleet STILL hasn't heard of fuses. > Marrissa quickly spotted the >navy panels stacked over in one corner. Crow: And recorded her quick time for later comparison with Clara. > Behind the console was a >white haired man wearing an Engineer's work suit with >Rear-Admiral's pips. Tom: Next to his shoes was a nearly-empty bottle of Scotch. > There was only one person that could be, Mike: Carl "Oldy" Olson! >"Admiral Scott?" Marrissa inquired. "Permission to come aboard?" Tom: Shouldn't you have asked BEFORE you came on board? > "Granted, lassie," Scotty replied. Crow: [Scotty] I'm just emphasizing my Scottishness, lassie. Tom: [Scotty] Why did I call you lassie? They told me that this assignment would be a dog! > "Or should I be calling >yea Princess?" Mike: [Scotty] Or should I be calling yea Supreme Mistress of the Galaxy? Tom: o/~ Heading out with Ratliff - ye-e-e-ea, Princess! o/~ > "Just Marrissa will be fine," Marrissa responded. Tom: Welcome, Just Marrissa. Mike: Hey, she's Just William. Tom: Huh? > "Welcome aboard your new ship, Marrissa," Scotty said. Crow: [Marrissa] I KNEW they'd made me captain. >"Computer Recognize Scott, Admiral Montgomery, and transfer >command to Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Amber Picard, per Star >Fleet orders." Crow: [Scotty] And against mah better judgment! > "Transfer complete, USS Stargazer is now under the command >of Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard." Tom: [Computer] This unit will now perform a complete main drive reformat. I'm taking the easy way out! > "I though as an Admiral, you would want to be in command," >Marrissa stated. > "Marrissa, my lass, I never wanted command," Scotty said. Tom: [Scotty] I took kickbacks from the lowest bidder for this engineering contract, and I need a patsy to take the fall for me. Uh, lassie. Aye, or something. >"I just took the promotions so I could do my job better and with >less interference from the desk jockeys at Star Fleet Command." Mike: Because the higher the rank, the lower the profile. Crow: [Scotty] Of course, there are those *pesky* responsibilities of overseeing Cardassian intelligence, but if I spend enough time reading technical manuals they just go away eventually. > "Since our Chief Engineer has yet to be assigned, I assume >you are filling that position?" Marrissa asked. > "Aye." Crow: [Scotty] An' ah've got ta have more time! She canna take much morra this! > > Marrissa entered the suite of rooms dedicated for the use of >the Second Officer. They were located next to the Ship's bar >which was named Seven Slightly Starboard for it's location. Mike: She stars in silly stories by Seven Slightly Starboard? Crow: H--hey.....that was the infamous Ratliff humor, and I didn't feel a thing. Weird. Tom: Yeah, me neither. We must be building up a tolerance... [pause] AHHHHHHH! MOTHER OF GOD! > The >first room she entered was an office. In contained a desk, a >couple chairs and a sofa under the window. Crow: The window? Mike: What's the problem? Crow: I can accept Marrissa as a Starship Captain. I can accept her as a Princess. I can accept her as a diplomat. But I refuse to believe that she has enough clout to rate a window office! > The desk was >perpendicular to outside wall. Mike: And with no introductions to do, Stephen falls back on the old story device of pinpointing every stick of furniture in the room. > She hung the painting Data had >given her behind the desk. Tom: Oh, it's Major Winchester with his mouth open in mid- complaint! Mike: No, no - *Data*, not Colonel Potter! > Across the room was the door to the >rest of her quarters, next to the replicator. She walked though >it Tom: And became two Marrissas! > to discover a well apportioned room with a table and three >chairs, another sofa and a double bed. Crow: YOU HAVE: bathrobe, a toothbrush, a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is, and no tea. > The far wall sported >another opening Tom: This month's fashion accessory for walls- the opening! > which lead to a bathroom with a real tub, Mike: As opposed to the cardboard cut-out she'd had on the Enterprise. > perfect >for Marrissa's bubble baths. Tom: That must make a mess when the ship gets jostled. Mike: Sounds like Marrissa lucked out and got the Princess Suite. > As Marrissa exited the bathroom her door chimed. Walking >back to her office, Marrissa said, "Come." A young woman entered >tentatively. She was carrying the rest of Marrissa's belongings. Crow: Well, touching Marrissa's stuff is a good reason to be tentative, I guess. > "The Quartermaster said you wanted this," she said, Mike: [stands, arms upraised with fists clenched] I AM THE QUARTERMASTER!! Crow: Mike? Don't do that, please. Mike: Um - sorry. [abashedly takes his seat] >indicating the stuff she was carrying. > "Just put it on my desk, Crewman ?" Crow: Crewman ? and the Mysterians! > Marrissa said indicating >that she wanted to know the older woman's name. Tom: ....with semaphore flags. > "Peterson, Yeoman Diane Peterson," the crewman replied. Crow: [Diane] Her Majesty's Secret Service. >"The Quartermaster has assigned me to be your yeoman." Crow: [Diane] Yo. Tom: [Marrissa] Well, you've been well-trained. > "Well then, Yeoman, get ready for a lot of work," Marrissa >responded. Crow: [Marrissa] MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll make your life a routine of boring drudge work! Tom: [Peterson] Please skip the inspirational stuff, sir. > "I probably hold the most jobs of anyone on the ship." Crow: [Diane] I'll say. Never heard of anyone volunteering for Nausicaan Delouser before. Tom: [Marrissa] In fact, I want your job, too! Give it to me! > "I'll do my best sir," the Yeoman replied. > "I have no doubt that you will," Marrissa said. "The >question is, can we have fun doing it?" Mike: [Marrissa] I mean can *I* have fun? That you won't is already guaranteed. > "Is that an order, sir?" the Yeoman said. Crow: Yes! Have fun OR ELSE! > "No, just a suggestion," Marissa said. "But I find it's one >that makes the job easier." > Mike: Run, Diane! You don't want to know what Marrissa considers fun! >-- >Stephen Ratliff Radford University >sratliff@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator > >Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble >Awards? Tom: Well, we tried! Crow: Yeah, but thanks to someone's temporal tampering, we never got the chance! >>Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/ Tom: Not that we're naming any names! Mike: So you two were really hot and heavy to decide between Danielle Steele's Janeway/Harry Kim romance and Alan Alda's TOS/"Green Acres" crossover? Crow: He's got a point. Tom: It's the principle of the thing, blast it! >From sratliff@runet.edu Thu Feb 25 17:31:50 1999 >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.startrek.creative.all-ages >Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 04/11 (Marrissa Stories) >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Date: 26 Feb 1999 00:31:50 GMT > > >Title: Athena Prospects >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >Parts: NEW 4/11 > >Summary: >Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second >Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship >and attempt to change the past. Mike: Sadly, though, Joel Schumacher still exists. > With the help of the Clintons, >Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them >from stopping the first manned mission to Mars. >101374 Crow: The number of greasy, matted unappealing hairs on Riker's back. >Chapter Three > > Lyam Sympton was ready to move. Tom: Everything was packed in boxes, individually wrapped in newspaper... > A group of his colleagues >had joined him in his private yacht, the Star Fleet's Bane. Mike: Oh yeah, and they're probably all disguising themselves by wearing t-shirts that have the words "Proud to be an Anti- Star Fleet terrorist" in big black letters across the chest. Crow: Look like good old fashioned sneakiness is a lost art in the 24th century. > They >were just entering the Zed-15 Depot Yard. Mike: Hey Fred, there's a yacht called "Star Fleet's Bane" coming in to the yard. Think we should check 'em out? Tom: Nah, they're probably just auditors, Barney. > Their objective was >the decommissioned USS Eagle NCC-956. Crow: Boy, 745 ships before they built the original "Enterprise." They'll be lucky if it doesn't have oars. > "Have they detected us?" Lyam asked his comrade and >Engineering Specialist, Boris Gutanhoff. Crow: [Boris] Why don't you ask my assistant, Till Eulenspiegel? Tom: [Boris] Or the rest of the staff, Carmen, Aida, and Siegfried? Crow: [to Mike] Bet you thought we were gonna go for the Bullwinkle riff. Mike: Yes, yes, I'm very proud of you. Now read the story. > "I don't think so," Boris replied. Tom: Is there a *rule* that you have to have a goofy name to join ENE? > "Ready Boarding parties, Frank," All: FRANK?!?!? Crow: TV's Frank finally found a home! Mike: o/~ Let me be Frank about Frank! o/~ > Lyam ordered. "Boris, I >want that ship operational ASAP." > "I'll do my best," Boris responded. "Hopefully they won't >have stripped it too much." Mike: Well, in this state starships are required to wear pasties... > > Moment's latter two dozen hired guns beamed on board the >Eagle. Tom: And clattered to the floor. Mike: Hire PEOPLE next time, Lyam! > They fanned out and checked out the empty ship. Signaling >all clear, the leader requested that the Engineer be beamed >aboard. Mike: [Softly and British] Suddenly, Thomas found himself in orbit about a Class M planet. > Boris got right to work on the shuttlebay doors. >Despite the fact that the Eagle had been out of service for more >than 50 years, the bay doors still opened Tom: Allowing all the air to vent out, immediately killing Boris and ending the plot. The end. > allowing the Star >Fleet's Bane to squeeze into the bay. Crow: "Star Fleet's Bane" - now available on E-Bay. > Lyam Sympton exited the yacht. "Welcome aboard, Captain," >Boris said. "How is our transportation Boris?" Lyam asked. Mike: [Boris] Well I don't know, YOU just came in on... oh, you mean this ship. > "No weapons but she'll go fast enough to break the speed >limit Tom: But unfortunately, going at 200mph won't get us to another planet very fast. Mike: What, Starfleet leave a working, powered, operational starship lying around without ANY security? Crow: Nah, it's got plenty of security, but Lyam found a secret plot hole in the fence. > and get us where or shall I say when we're going," Boris >replied. Tom: Such subtle foreshadowing. > "Then lets get under way before the supply yard notices >us," Lyam ordered. "I'll be on the Bridge." > Mike: [Boris] Oops, too late! They're wondering who we are! Tom: [Star Fleet guy] What's going on there? Mike: Ah, we're having a slight weapons malfunction here, slight weapons malfunction, but everything's fine now. Tom: We're sending someone up to check. Mike: Ah, negative, negative, we're having an anti-matter leak here, big one, very dangerous, and we don't have Wesley Crusher here. Very dangerous. Tom: Who is this? What's your number? Mike: Boring conversation anyway. GYPSY! We've got company! Gypsy: [O.S.] Is it Richard Baseheart? [M&TB groan.] >Personal Log >USS Stargazer NCC-2893 >STARDATE 51671.35 >Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, acting Captain. Tom: And Sports Captain, and Music Captain. Mike: He means that she's like a vice-captain. Crow: Yeah, that suits her too. > > We are currently proceeding to Deep Space Nine to pick up >the Captain and the Cardassian members of our crew. I am >somewhat uneasy about having Cardassians serving Mike: They ALWAYS double fault at bad times. > on the >Stargazer. It hasn't been long since they were enemies. Crow: [Marrissa] They even let themselves be beaten by a bunch of kids! > In fact >I've even fought them. Tom: [Marrissa] But I've hired the best lawyers in Starfleet, and I'm confident I can beat the war crimes charges... > I have to admit, though, that the >situation in the Demilitarized zone calls for just such a crew. Tom: Yeah, that's always a real tension-breaker: fill out your crew roster with hostile foreign nationals looking to kill your own people. >Perhaps together, we'll be able to end the fighting between those >people who don't believe the war is over. Mike: All those pickup trucks with "Fergit, Hell!" bumper stickers are invading uncharted Pacific atolls filled with Imperial Japanese soldiers perched in small jungle enclaves. > > Late that evening, Lavelle was dealing the latest round of >poker in Seven Slightly Starboard. Mike: Which I suppose could be interesting if only Ratliff had bothered to tell us who this Lavelle guy is. Tom: Poker? I hardl- Crow: No! No, no, no! > "Five of Diamonds for the >Security Chief, Seven of Diamonds for his wife, Jack of Clubs for >the Admiral, King of Hearts for the Princess, and a Eight of >Hearts for me." Mike: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with s. Crow: Storyline? Mike: Nup. Tom: Symbolism? Mike: Yup. > "Another Five for Ross, a heart this time; a Nine of >Diamonds for his boss, A King of Diamonds for Admiral Scott, a >Queen of Hearts for the Princess that steals them, Crow: ...right out of peoples' chests and shows them to them before they die. > and a eight of >Clubs for the dealer. Ante up." Mike: Oh, please, keep dealing - you only have 42 more cards for your little schtick! > "Sam, if you keep up those jokes up, I'm going to club you," >Katherine Lochard said. Tom: Yuk yuk. Cards. Clubs. Get it? Oh, my sides. > "Ah, but you forget, I out rank you," Lavelle replied. Mike: [Lavelle] So I can ORDER you to lose! > "A >Four of Diamonds for Ross. a 10 of Diamonds for a possible >straight for Kathy. A Two of Hearts for Scotty. An Ace of >Hearts for the Captain's daughter, Tom: Let's see - the queen, king, and ace of hearts. Geez! She can't lose at *anything*! Crow: [nonchalant] I worked that out ages ago. > and a Eight of Clubs for the >dealer." Mike: Ohhhhhh. It's a subtle introduction scene! Tom: Guys, we should be grateful that he's never given his characters "Marvel Universe"-style writeups. Crow: Y'know, I'm starting to dislike Lavelle more than I do Marrissa. > "If she doesn't I will," Marrissa said. "And I outrank you." Mike: [Marrissa] So I can club you and get away with it! > "Idol threats," Lavelle dismissed. All: [laugh] Mike: Gimme the money or the golden calf gets it, see? Crow: [Marrissa] Give me ten grand or Moloch dies! Tom: Yo, Baal! I'm gonna cut you, man! > "A Four of Clubs for >Security, a Six of Diamonds for his Wife, a Two of Diamonds for >the Miracle Worker, a Ten of Hearts for the Royal Officer, and a >Four of Clubs for me." Mike: Well, he's almost halfway through the deck. Crow: Suddenly, I really miss those name and rank recitations. Tom: I'd mention that the same card just turned up twice, but I'll guess they're using two packs instead of just accusing Marrissa of cheating. > "I fold," Ross said. > "I'm in," Kathy said, tossing in 10. Crow: What are they playing for? Mike: Probably the souls of redshirts. > "I fold," Scotty said. Tom: Although you'd have to freeze him a bit first. > "I'll see your 10, and raise you 5," Marrissa said. > "I'll see your 15, and raise you 10," Lavelle called. Crow: *THRILLING* *POKER* *ACTION!* > "Too rich for me, I fold," Kathy said. Tom: [Kathy] I mean, I might actually lose some of that thing we allegedly don't use any more! > "I'll see your 10, and raise you 20," Marrissa said. > "I fold," Lavelle said. Mike: The preceding piece of pulse-pounding poker action was brought to you by the National Council to Make Chess Seem More Exciting. Tom: Meanwhile, Matt Damon stands nearby, itching to grift these buffoons out of every cent they've got. > "Lavelle you need more confidence in your hand," Marrissa >stated, revealing her hole card, Tom: The Ten of Courtney Loves. > the Seven of Hearts. Mike: [Lavelle] Oh, shoot. I thought we were playing Seven-Card Stud Hi-Lo. Crow: Wait, she still had a flush, right? So what's the big deal? Mike: Marrissa's theory is why bother to win unless you win *big*? > "I'll sit >out the next couple. I don't want to win all of your money >before we even get the full crew on board, Lavelle." Tom: [Marrissa] After all, I've got to be able to beat you again in front of the crew. > Marrissa >got up and went over to Mary, who was dusting the piano next to >Marrissa's wall. Crow: All in all you're just another brick in Marrissa's wall. > "Mary, what is an old fashion upright piano >doing in a Starship bar." Tom: The backstroke. [rim shot] > "Piano's have always been in bars since the ancient west on >Earth," Mary responded. Tom: *Sissy* bars, anyway. > "I hear you play." Mike: [Mary] And it's driving me insane. Please stop! > "Not much, and I quit lessons when I was ten," Marrissa >said. "Sometime I'll have to pick it up again." Mike: Even though she put her back out last time she tried. > "No time like the present," Mary said. Crow: A stitch in time saves nine, too. Mike: Is it inappropriate to ask who Mary is at this point? Crow: I don't know, but there's just something about her. > "All right, but I'm warning you I haven't practiced in a >good two years, three years - maybe more," Marrissa warned. Then >she began playing the Blue Danube Waltz. Mike: Or it might have been "Maple Leaf Rag". Or "Chopsticks". The way Marrissa played, Mary just couldn't tell. > A little hesitant and >occasionally she made a mistake All: [deliberate silence] > but on the whole it sounded >pretty good. Tom: Ahh, the return to the natural order. Crow: Then, out of nowhere, their starship turned into an antelope thighbone. > "Hey, Marrissa, this is a bar, not a concert hall," Ross >shouted. Mike: And you're underage, so get out! > "OK, you asked for it," Marrissa said. "Mary, get me a >strawberry juice." Tom: [Marrissa] Someone's going to be sticky tonight. > Ross looked over at her thinking 'not again,' Crow: o/~ It hurts so good, he don't understand - infatuation! o/~ Tom: *Ding!* >but Marrissa wasn't going to do that. Crow: After all, why use strawberry juice when you've got a perfectly good rack to torture people on? > She began playing the >Entertainer. Mike: And the Entertainer lost, 4-0. Thank you. > "Marrissa, that's still not right," Ross said back. Mike: And Marrissa said forward. Crow: And Mary said slightly starboard. > "Hey, you give me the music and a month to study it and >maybe I'll play it," Marrissa responded. > As Marrissa continued to play, a young man phased into view >behind her. Tom: It's Ricky Martin! Mike: Boy, he's going everywhere to promote his CD! > "Are you sure you haven't been practicing?" he >whispered in her ear. > Marrissa whirled around on the piano stool to face him. >"Wesley Eugene Crusher, All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! > what are you doing here?" Crow: Bringing in yet another character to make Marrissa seem likable by comparison, obviously. Mike: [Marrissa] On my ship we have *rules*, mister, and one of those rules is that we *obey* the laws of time and space! > "Well, little sister, Tom: [singing, a la Elvis] Don't ya do what your big sister done! > I though I'd drop by to see you," >Wesley replied. > "Wes, you never 'drop by'," Marrissa retorted. Tom: [Wesley] You're right! [sob noises] I came to tell you.. I'm dying, Marrissa! [Daytime soap sad music starts.] Crow: [Marrissa] You're... dying? Tom: [Wesley] Yes, I... won't be in the show anymore. [A huge cheer is heard] Mike: [mumbling] Damn stage crew. Always butting into the show... > "Who said I couldn't change?" Wes replied, plastering a Mike: ...nice finish over the bricks he'd used to wall Marrissa in. Tom: For the love of God, Wesleysor! NOOO!!!! >smile on his face. Crow: The "Leering Grin of Doom", ladies and gentlemen. > "This from the guy who hasn't seen his little sister since >the week after she was born," Marrissa said, staring. Mike: [Marrissa] Wow, where did you get that third eye from? > She thought >it was unfair that she had been stuck with all the older sibling >duties for the now almost two year-old girl. Mike: [Wesley] Well, when you achieve total control over the space- time continuum, then I'll change the occasional diaper. > Wesley relented. "Actually I'm working for Star Fleet >Temporal Investigations Prevention Division Tom: So he's in the obstruction trade. Figures. Mike: Bet that acronym doesn't get much use. Crow: Hey, Wesley, where ya working now? Mike: Oh, I'm TIPD. Crow: Slightly starboard, I see. > and you happen to be >heading to my next job." Crow: [Wesley] I'd tell you where that is, but then I'd have to kill you. Mike: He's gone from being the assistant master of time and space to just another Starfleet rent-a-cop. Tom: I bet the Traveller got fed up with him being so wormy all the time. > Marrissa continued to stare. Crow: [Marrissa] Didn't I see you in a 7-Up commercial? > "And I'll >visit Mom and Jackie when we get back." Tom: [Wes] I said we? Slip of the tongue. > "Welcome aboard Wes," Marrissa said. "Come let me introduce >you to the crew, Mike: And if you don't let her, *she'll* have to kill *you*. > but I'd advise you not to join the poker game. Crow: [Lavelle] That's because she cheats. >Your bluff is worse than Lavelle's. I see you got a promotion to >Lieutenant junior grade. Took you long enough." Crow: Mortal fool! Cower before Marrissa's displeasure! Mike: [Wes] Oops, wrong time zone. I'm an Admiral in this one, you know. > "Sorry, not every officer can move though the ranks as fast >as you," Wesley said. Mike: Even the great Wesley Crusher bows low in awe before the Mighty Queen of Space. > "Are you sure Dad didn't help you?" Crow: [Marrissa] Shut up, shut up, shut up! Just shut your big fat stinky mouth!! It's just coincidence that all of the other applicants got assigned to Nausicaan delousing duty! > "The only help Dad gives me is with my swordsmanship, Crow: [Marrissa] I'm supposed to never raise my sword when someone attacks? Are you sure that's right? Mike: [Picard] Trust me. > and >you know it, Tom: Despite being away for two years. Mike: Who can blame her for expecting omniscience from everyone? Crow: Us. > or have you been spending too much time out of time >again?" Marrissa responded. Mike: "Time out of time?" How'd the original series ever miss *that* as an episode title? > "You know me, I've got all the time in the universe," Wesley >replied. Mike: So he's got too much on his hands. Tom: And it's tickin' away with his sanity. > "Were as you have that really tight schedule. Tell me, >did you schedule time to sleep this week?" Crow: [Marrissa] Yep, right between "Play annoyingly bad piano solo" and "Spread imminent sense of foreboding among Stargazer crew". I've found that if I forget, then the crew starts to suspect my divinityship. Tom: [Wes] Actually, it could be due to your divine glow, sis. > "Knock it off, you two, some of us are trying to play poker >over here," Ross Lochard said. Mike: And failing too. Crow: Oh, rub it in. Tom: So Marrissa pulled out her phaser and vaporized Lochard *and* the table. Mike: Stop fantasizing. We both know he doesn't die until "A New Generation." > > Lyam Sympton was on the old constitution class starship's >bridge. Tom: Over the river Kwai. > He wouldn't have admitted to his comrades, Crow: But he was wearing lacy lingerie. > but when he >was little he use to dream of commanding such a ship. Mike: Somebody better explain to this guy that you don't fly today's ships by running around and going "vrooom." > An old >ship, not one of those modern luxury yachts like the Galaxy >Class. Tom: Well, they could probably install a few spikes in the Captain's chair if it'd make him happier. > Of coarse Crow: Well, I see not *everything* was revised. > that was part of the problem with Star Fleet. Mike: The other problem was their bad breath. >They were luxury minded warmongers who used their power to >interfere with every conflict from Earth to the Gamma Quadrant. Crow: Hey, how come we never hear about the Beta Quadrant? What's in it, anyway? Tom: Oh, it's the low-rent section of the galaxy. Place is overrun with Pakleds and...well, whatever Neelix's race is. >He and his group believed that it would have been better if the >Earth hadn't been the primary influence in creating Star Fleet. Mike: Lyam believed that it should have been Pern, so he could be tested to be a dragon-rider. >If Earth hadn't had some planetary exploration under it's belt, Crow: Then it would never have made the weight for the middleweight division. >than his organization, Exploration Not Exploitation, believed >that Vulcans would have been able to control Star Fleet. Mike: Thus stopping Kirk from ever becoming captain. > This >would, in there opinion, Mike: There opinion. Crow: There Stellar Cartography. Tom: There wolf. Mike: It's almost too easy. Crow: Yeah, but when the fish are biting, you keep on casting. > have reduced the exploitation that Star >Fleet Captains did. Mike: Especially one James T. Kirk, who was single-handedly responsible for 78% of all known incidents of exploitation. Crow: This is a political philosophy that makes pro wrestling seem sophisticated. > "Lyam, all systems are ready," Boris said. Mike: [Lyam] Engage! Uh, I mean.. Tom: [Boris] He acted like exploitative Captain! We do to him like we did to moose and squirrel! Crow: [Crew member] But we're out of olive oil and cream, Boris! > "John set a coarse for Proxima Centauri, Warp 7," Lyam >ordered. > Tom: This'll be a rough ride. Mike: Enough. >-- >Stephen Ratliff Radford University >sratliff@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018 Crow: o/~ Ro, Ro, Roanoke... o/~ >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ Tom: All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief!.. at least for now. Mystery of Life, Vol. 841, Ch. 26. > ASCA Moderator > >"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers." >"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire" Tom: What about in the mirror universe? Mike: There's no more Starfleet there, remember? Tom: Oh yeah, now it's filled with kinky DS9 duplicates. >From sratliff@runet.edu Thu Mar 04 18:11:58 1999 >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 05/11 (Marrissa Stories) >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Date: 5 Mar 1999 01:11:58 GMT > > >Title: Athena Prospects >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >Parts: NEW 05/11 > Tom: Once again, the whole rigamarole, ladies & gents. >Summary: >Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second >Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship >and attempt to change the past. Mike: Sadly, though, Howard Stern still exists. > With the help of the Clintons, >Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them >from stopping the first manned mission to Mars. > >101374 Tom: The number of hours per week Lavelle practices dealing cards. >Chapter Four > Crow: ... of the local Mormons. > Marrissa came out of the Port Turbolift in the rear Crow: Admiral? > of the >Stargazer's bridge. Mike: On your left, you will see the eternal flame erected in the memory of Ensign Throwaway... > Before sitting down, Tom: Marrissa took the tack off her seat. > she took a quick tour >of the bridge. Crow: [Miss Information] We're seein' the Helm. We're marvelin' at the long range-sensors. We're cowerin' at Marrissa's wrath. We're movin', we're movin'! > The Engineering station on her left when she >entered was unmanned at the moment, and showed the ship to be in >good condition to Marrissa's quick look. In the forward corner, >past some auxiliary stations was Operations. Tom: The Goofy Game for Dopey Chief Medical Officers. > Marrissa didn't >know the name of the Ensign manning it, but he seemed competent >as she checked. Mike: Unfortunately, Marrissa's luck had just run out - it was Ensign Jim Carrey VI. > In the center below the view screen was the >helm, referred to in current Star Fleet parlance as Tom: The steering wheel. > CONN, Crow: Maker of fine helm panels and musical instruments for over 600 Stardates. >currently held by her Assistant Fighter Commander, who insisted >on being called Kathy. Tom: Or "Honey Pookums," but not when they were in front of the other officers. > Marrissa didn't mind. It solved the >problem of two Lieutenant Lochards on the bridge. Next was the >stairs to the Office Floor below, Tom: Stairs to the *floor*? Crow: The bridge must be on stilts. Mike: It has to be - darn bridge floods every monsoon season! > where the Captain's Ready Room, Mike: Captain's Drinking Room, Captain's Dungeon... >Primary Conference Room, Officer's Lounge, and First Officer's >Office were located. Tom: Auggh! The word "office" has just lost all meaning for me! Crow: Ohhh, so *that's* where the term "officer" comes from. Mike: Along with a mysterious door marked "No Admittance" where unearthly screams and the occasional howl of agony could be heard. > Back towards the rear Mike: Admiral. Crow: You called? > on the other side of >the bridge from the Engineering Station was Fighter Command. >Marrissa knew she'd be spending a lot of time at that station >once the Captain arrived. Crow: So she had a full entertainment center installed and hid it in the ship's budget under "Bearclaws for Stellar Cartography". > It seemed to be well arranged, but >since Star Fleet hadn't had a Fighter Carrier since before the >Stargazer was originally commissioned, Tom: Which would be, what, last Wednesday? > she was sure something >wouldn't be right once the ship got into regular service. Tom: It's "Star Trek: The Dilbert Generation". Mike: No, this is a starship. The term is "wouldn't be starboard." Crow: "Wouldn't be slightly starboard". Mike: Whatever. > In the >middle of the rear of the bridge, on the other side of the >Starboard Turbolift Mike: [Soft, children's show voice] Down by the old hollow log, near the Cuddly-Wuddly Brook, happy old Mr. Hedgehog lived. > was Tactical and Security, with Lieutenant >Ross Lochard manning it. As Marrissa moved to take her seat in >the Captain's chair, she asked Ross, "Ship's status?" Crow: [Ross] Inanimate, but damn spiffy, Commander. > "All systems normal," Ross replied. Tom: Snafu. Mike: That's a Cardassian word, right? > "No problems reported >in the last two shifts from any department" Crow: [Ross] ...except Nausicaan Delousing. Um, you might want to check that chair before you...well, never mind. > "Very well," Marrissa said, looking to her right at the >First Officer's chair. She wondered what it would be like to see >a Cardassian in that seat. Crow: Exchanging sly, come-hither stares... > "Captain, I'm detecting a craft exceeding warp 5," Lieutenat >Ross Lochard interupted. Mike: Ross Lochard- interstellar traffic cop. > " Definite pre-refined warp drive. >Current speed is warp 7 and accelerating." Tom: Oh my. The plot sickens. > "Kathy, intercept coarse, Tom: You gotta be rough on these speeders! Mike & Crow: D'oh! > maximum warp," Marrissa ordered. >Fleet vessels were required to stop speeding ships. Crow: Due to a directive from Fleet Admiral Buford T. Justice. Tom: o/~ They can't drive - AT WARP FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!! o/~ > Federation >congress had tacked the duty on when Mike: They found out that only one Star Fleet ship and one station were ever doing anything useful. > the subspace rupture problem >had been found. "Ross, additional data please." Mike: [Ross] Sorry, Marrissa, there's only one, and he's on the Enterprise. > "Sensors indicate, no this can't be right, Ops, confirm my >readings," Lieutenant Ross Lochard said. Tom: You're right, it's from Revelation! > "Readings confirmed, vessel is the constitution class >starship USS Eagle, NCC-956," the ensign at Ops replied. Crow: [ensign] And I have a name! It's Byron! Why don't we ever talk any more, Ross? > "The constitution class was retired over 50 years ago," >Marrissa stated. Mike: Just after the USS Nixon was commissioned. > "Ross, where was the Eagle stored?" Mike: In an eyrie? > "The Zed-15 depot yard," Ross said. "Didn't they lose >several starships several years ago?" Crow: Wow. Their couch cushions must be the size of Montana. Tom: [Marrissa] I don't know, I was in diapers at the time. > "Well they've lost another one," Marrissa said as Scotty >entered the bridge. "Time to intercept, Kathy." Mike: Jeez, stealing ships from naval yards is so commonplace in this universe, you'd think they'd just put a round- the-clock guard on them all. > "Ten minutes," Kathy responded. "But they're going awful >close to that star." Crow: Look out! It's Sean Penn, and he thinks they're paparazzi! > "It might as well be 10 years," Scotty said. "They're >attempting time travel. Helm, you better change coarse Mike: Take some charm classes. Become much more refined and genteel. > to a >hyperbolic, matching theirs as close as possible, if you want to >catch them." Crow: [Scotty] And scan them, I think they stole my accent. > Kathy looked at Marrissa. Tom: After all, Overlord of the galaxy outranks Admiral. > "You heard the Admiral," Marrissa >said. "If I remember the descriptions of time travel, we better >strap in. All hands, prepare for rough maneuvers. Tom: Sure, you didn't believe my hints about Marrissa and Kathy before... Crow: Y'know, read out of context, practically every sentence in this story could be really filthy. Mike: You read *everything* out of context. Crow: I have to - it's in my contract. > We have to >come out of this as close as possible to the time which the Eagle >does, so keep a close eye on them, Kathy." Tom: [Johnny Cash] o/~ Ah keep a close watch on this ship of mine! o/~ > "And hope the new inertial dampeners are better than they >were on the original Enterprise," Scotty said. > Mike: Yeah, they have lap *and* shoulder belts. Tom: But with the average age of the crew, they had to take out the airbags... > Ahead of them the USS Eagle shot around Proxima Centauri and >disappeared. Then the Stargazer followed suit. Crow: Then the Eagle bid 4 No-Trump. Tom: Yes! Marrissa's gone! No, no fun when you already know what's going to happen. > The whole ship >shook. Crow: All night long. > Down in Seven Slightly Starboard, Tom: Sixteen sour squashes simpered. Mike: See? Subtle scenes succeed! Crow: Simply smashing, senor. > the vases on the tables >slid off on to the floor, shattering. Mike: I hope someone's filming this for Fox's "World's Scariest Starship Chases CCCLXXVI". > Throughout the ship things >fell from their places, Crow: What things? Tom: Things. You know, "things." Crow: Oh. > however in a tribute to the new ship's >engineering, Tom: Debbie Allen produced a Tap Dance routine based on the warp engine's matter/antimatter mix ratio. > no consoles exploded. Crow: Our Friend, the Fuse. > Moments later they left >warp, decelerating in another time. Mike: Central Daylight. > > "Ships status, Engineering?" Marrissa said. Tom: Intact, but we're clean out of vases. > "Tactical >determine the location of the Eagle. Mike: Didn't we already establish it's in an eyrie? Crow: Yep. Right by Undocumented Features... > Ops, current date please. Crow: [ensign] Well, I *thought* it was Lt. Lochard, but he seems to want to spend all his time with his *wife*, so I guess I'm unattached. >Lieutenant Lavelle, Lieutenant Crusher report to the bridge." Mike: Ah, they're loading up on loads, I see. > "All systems are normal, but I'd like to run a level two >diagnostic to be sure," Scotty replied. Tom: [announcer voice] This was the start of the long slide for Scotty, which led to his compulsive diagnosing, the long hours locked in his quarters running diagnostics, and finally his standing on a street corner with a sign reading "Will diagnose for food." > "That takes systems off line, I'm afraid we can't risk that >until we know were we are and what we are going to have to do," >Marrissa said. Tom: [Marrissa] We'll just have to risk not knowing about the warp-core problems, Admiral. > "Run a level three instead." Mike: [Scotty] But...but...that just diagnoses the Slurpee dispenser in the cafeteria, Lassie! Crow: Of course, the idea of Scotty running anywhere now is a bit of a joke. > "Aye, sir," Scotty replied. > "I've found the Eagle, Captain," Ross Lochard replied. Tom: [Ross] It landed. > "She >is headed toward Earth. The Eagle has a lead time of about four >hours on us." > "Kathy, set a coarse to intercept," Marrissa ordered. "Ops, >do you have the date for me?" Tom: [Announcer] We have *just* the date for you, Marrissa. He's 6'1", 200 lbs., and a 21-year old Phys Ed major from Lansing, Michigan. Say hello to Butch Beefcake! Mike & Crow: [applause] > "Aye sir, it is July 26, 1999," the ensign at Ops replied. > "Happy negative 280th birthday Captain," Ross responded, >grinning. Mike: [Marrissa] That's unbelievably lame. You're fired. Crow: So, Marrissa was born in 2279? And TNG began in 2364? Marrissa's certainly the...*oldest* teenager I've ever heard of. Tom: In the original version she was born in 2277. > "Ross," Crow: Rachel... > Kathy admonished, not sparing a look back at her >husband, but her tone telling him of what she thought of his >attempt at levity on the Bridge. Mike: Levitate on your own time, Ross. Crow: None for Ross tonight. > "Captain the Eagle has already entered the Solar System," >Ross informed. > "Kathy where do you think you will catch up with them?" >Marrissa asked. Tom: [Kathy] Around about Mile Marker 334, if we don't stop for lunch. > "I'd have to say in Earth orbit, assuming that's where >they're going," Crow: How CONVEEEENIENT. > Kathy Lochard replied as Wesley and Lieutenant >Lavelle entered the bridge. > "Any advice for me, big brother?" Marrissa asked Wesley. Crow: [Wesley] Be sure not to collide with one of the many Enterprises time-travelling back to this century. > "Just don't let your ship be seen," Wesley replied. Mike: Wesley Crusher--Shaolin Kung-Fu Master of the Obvious. Tom: [Wesley] Despite the fact that it's really huge, and you don't have a cloaking device, and you've been sitting out here not trying to hide. > "Admiral Scott?" Marrissa questioned. Mike: [Scott] Kill the motherf-- oh, uh, I mean, be careful. > "Visual and ray sensor screen active," Scotty replied. Crow: My name is Raymond J. Sensor Screen, but ya doesn't hasta call me Johnson! > "The Eagle has entered Earth orbit," Ross appraised. Tom: I'm just picturing him with this jeweler's loupe... Mike: I'd a-praise the Eagle for running away from Marrissa. Bots: [Groan]. > "Time to orbit?" Marrissa asked. Tom: [Ross] No problemo - we got pretty much all day to orbit if we want to. > "Thirty seconds," Kathy said. > "Hail the Eagle," Marrissa ordered. Mike: [singing, to "On Wisconsin"] Hail the Eagle! Hail the Eagle! Hail the Eagle's climb! First a Star and then a Life must on your bosom shine! > "Use subspace >narrowband channels Mike: [Marrissa] If that doesn't work, put the CB on channel 5 and break for "Big Daddy Eagle". Tom: Boy, that's going to bug me. Crow: Here- ." Tom: Thanks. > "They are refusing to respond," Ross said. Crow: After the traditional two second wait. Mike: Star Trek - in support of the people who hang up after one ring. > "Detecting >transporter activity." > "Trace beam down location," Marrissa ordered. Tom: I think he's in LA writing for "America's Funniest Home Videos". Crow: Who is? Tom: Uh... Mike: Quit messing with the fourth wall, you two. > "Somewhere in Florida," Ross replied. Tom: They're going to Disneyworld! > "The Eagle is moving >off." > "Follow them," Marrissa ordered. "Ross, save those >coordinates. Scotty, easiest way to take down their shields." Crow: [Scotty] Canna we just use the phasers? Mike: [Marrissa] No! There has to be a plot contrivance somewhere we can use! > "I can bring them down," Scotty said. "The question is what >are they trying to do here?" Crow: Well, obviously, they heard about some of the great real estate deals down in Cape Coral. > "Good Question," Marrissa responded. "Computer Significant >events in Earth History within the next two weeks." Mike: [Computer] July 28, Special Prosecutor Ken Starr subpeonas the Oval Office rug to check for Monica Lewinsky's kneeprints. Crow: [Computer] July 29, President Bill Clinton dismembers a litter of cute, cuddly kittens with a chain saw and then dances naked on their bloody remains. His approval ratings increased to 84%. Tom: [Computer] July 30, Larry Flynt threatens to release nude pix of Mother Theresa. > "July 29, King William V ascends the throne of Great >Britain. Tom: Becoming the first man ever to scale that lofty peak. Mike: Did this happen last time 'round? Crow: No. Mike: Ratliff - amateur history re-writer. > August 1, first manned mission to Mars Launched. Mike: Hah! We can't even get a decent space station cobbled together. >August 3, Iraq tries to invade Syria." Crow: But they're turned back when they encounter what is later described as "a really ugly, scary-looking spider". > "Computer, elaborate on the second one," Marrissa said. Mike: Invasion of Syria? Nah.. can't be the important one. > "August 1, 1999. The United States launched the Endeavor, >the last part of the hybrid spacecraft Athena from Cape >Canaveral, Florida. Tom: Foreshadowing, ladies & gentlemen. Mike: Part of their ill-conceived plan to hybridize starships and alien DNA. > The mission was launched after the Mars >Explorer landing in 1997 renewed interest. Despite being rushed >to launch, the mission was an astounding success. Tom: So NASA ignored every safety directive, engineering operating procedure and rule of space flight they'd developed over 40 years just to catch good press? Mike: Hey, when the cat's away, ya gotta take the bull by the tail. Tom: Don't try and be creative, okay, Nelson? > That mission >enabled an accelerated launch of several additional missions of >exploration including the ill-fated Stargazer mission to Saturn." Crow: [news announcer] The town of Spring Hill, Tennessee, was wiped out today when a poorly-conceived NASA mission crashed into it... >-- >Stephen Ratliff Radford University >sratliff@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator > Tom: Geez Louise! How many websites does Ratliff maintain, anyway?!? Mike: It's his first step towards becoming a multi-media mogul. >"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers." >"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire" Crow: Well, maybe if they did, it'd thin the herd a little. Tom: Let's get out of here for a while. Mike: Yeah. I wanna check something in my Maltin Video Guide. [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [The Presidential seal of the United States has been painted on the doors to the theater. Crow, wearing a blue suit and a gray wig stands behind the console. Crow speaks in a faux southern accent.] Crow: Well, thank goodness that pesky Whitewater thing is over with. Whew! If I ever see Ken Starr again, it'll be too soon! Now, onto those important international problems... [Tom, wearing a blonde wig and a red starfleet uniform enters.] Tom: Hi, Mr. President! Crow: Oh, hi Marrissa. Are we in danger from evil time travelers again? Tom: You bet, Mr. President! Me and my brother Wesley...say, where is Wesley anyway? Wesley! Wesleeey! [Mike enters, jumpsuit clad, carrying a huge backpack and festooned with numerous gadgets.] Tom: Wesley? What are you doing? Mike: I'm going to head back in time again. This time, I'm prepared for any eventuality. I'll get the time line straightened out. Tom: Er, what time line, Wes? Crow: Oh, can it! Mike, you've ruined our sketch! Mike: Sorry guys, the timeline needs me. The world deserves better than Adam Sandler in 'Titanic'. I'm off. [Mike exits. A loud hum is once again.] Crow: Well, he's got us one that one. Tom: Ah. It can't be as bad as that Psycho remake with Anne Heche. Crow: Tom, that one was from *our* time line. Tom: So? It was still horrible. [The mads light begins to flash again.] Crow: But that's not... oh, never mind. Let's see if the mads are back to normal. [Deep 13] [Deep 13 is back, but the usual suspects are not there. A young man in a bright yellow trenchoat enters, followed by the familiar figure of Ortega.] Dr. Thinker: I emit my compliments to it, aquaintances robot-as of the OH. I wait that the day brings to it upper-class. Ortega: hmmmrmmphmph. [SoL] Bots: Nope. Tom: Hi Doc. Crow: We're fine Doc. Everything's fine. How are you? [Deep 13] Dr. T: I feel full bonanza well today, my small rebits. For it it is truily one day pretty the lies before us, and I feel certain full that I will be controlling the entire globe before too much for much time. [SoL] Tom: Uh-huh. Crow: And then what? [Deep 13] Dr. T: Because then I will institute a series of the reforms exconomic, socail, and legal sweeping projected to make the planet in a place of the beuty and the light. Ortega: Rrrpmmmhfghf. Dr. T: Yes, and we it will have drunk and feeds cheap too much. [SoL] Tom: Uh-huh. Crow: And then what? [Deep 13] Dr. T: I will start then to remodel a great world in one technocracy where the scientific elite governs! E I will exijirei that the new networks show episodes 'of the strange luck.' Ortega: nnmrphfhfs. Dr. T: Yes, yes, mine tht of the friend will be made too much. Thus, that you have that to say on these, pals of rebit? [SoL] Tom: Uh-huh. Crow: And then what? [Deep 13] Dr. T: You do not have no idea of what I am saying, you? [SoL] Tom: Uh-huh. Crow: And then what? [Deep 13] Dr. T: Never mind. Where it is microphone? I desesperalee need to speak to it. You know, Miek? The high one on of Wisconsin? [SoL] Crow: M-i-e-k? Oh, Mike. Tom: Dairy boy? Oh, uh... [A loud hum is heard offstage.] Tom: He's on his way now. [Mike enters, annoyed.] Mike: I swear, if it's not one thing, it's ano... [He glimpses at the viewscreen.] Mike: It didn't work, did it? Crow: No. Mike: Blast. Oh well, at least I know this one. Hello, Doctor T. [Deep 13] Dr. T: Hello Mihceal. How you are reatcing to the experience today? [SoL] Mike: Uh-huh. And then what? [Deep 13] Dr. T: Nevrmend. Ortega, presets the experience, please. Ortega: mhhrhprmph. Dr. T: Yes, yes. Of course. I know that teh particular path is in its way. He emits only history, if you to them pleese. [Ortega presses a button, and the Ratliff sign begins to flash.] [SoL] Mike: Ahhhhh!!! We've got Ratliff sign!!!! [The door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The trio enters and sits.] Crow: Okay Mike. What happened this time? Mike: Well, I followed Ratliff into a theater. He was going to see "The Last Starfighter." Tom: Uh-huh? Crow: And then what? Mike: Stop that. Anyway, I tried to follow him, and I discovered the one thing I forgot to pack. Tom: What? Mike: My wallet. Bots: Oh. >From sratliff@runet.edu Sat Mar 13 16:52:46 1999 >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 06/11 (Marrissa Stories) >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Date: 13 Mar 1999 23:52:46 GMT > Tom: General Motors Trickster? Crow: Giddy Metric Tons? Mike: Gary's Muppet Tickling? > >Title: Athena Prospects >Author: Stephen Ratliff >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >Parts: NEW 6/11 > >Summary: >Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second >Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship >and attempt to change the past. Crow: Sadly, though, Joe Estevez still exists. > With the help of the Clintons, >Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them >from stopping the first manned mission to Mars. > > >101374 Tom: The number of "little sips" of whiskey it takes to get Scotty going in the morning. >Chapter Five > All: Is alive! > After beaming something or someone down to Florida, the >Eagle moved out of orbit. Crow: In today's stunning recap of the last page's action... > Marrissa had to take action. Mike: She ordered Tallahassee sprayed with strawberry juice. > She >couldn't let the Eagle get away, but she couldn't let what ever >beamed down to Florida get away either. Tom: They just probably went down to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break. > She spied Wesley out of >the corner of her eye and an idea hit. "Wes, can you go after >whatever beamed down to Florida?" she asked. Crow: [Marrissa, enthusiastically] Hey, Wes? How'd you like to be a decoy? > "Certainly, Sis," Wesley replied. Tom: [Wesley] Actually, I decided to save time and just mentally annihilate the entire state. [pause] There. Mike: Great. Now Wes, can you go and invent a way off the SOL for us? > "Go," Marrissa ordered. Crow: [Groucho] And never darken my towels again! > Wesley phased out of view as she >turned back toward the viewscreen. Tom: [Marrissa] Well, we ditched the load! Head back to the 24th Century, pronto! > "Kathy, close in on the >Eagle. I don't need them at my back. Mike: [Kathy] Marrissa, we have 360 degree shield and phaser coverage, and they're running away anyway. > Admiral Scott, is there >any way to take those shields down without a light show?" Crow: [Scott] Well, I suppose we *could* have called them up and asked politely, but not now, after your "Recognition of Greatness" Fanfare, "sir". > "Aye, lassie," Scotty said, Mike: [Scotty] I think I have a biscuit somewhere. > sitting down at the Engineering >station and limbering up his fingers theatrically. "Just let me >have a word with her computers and she'll be marching to my >beat." Tom: On "Montgomery Scott's Party Machine"! > "You know the Eagle's prefix code?" Marrissa inquired. Crow: 1-800-HOT-BOTS Mike: Excuse me? Crow: It's nothing. Go back to sleep. > "Aye, lass, I borrowed her to do some supply delivery for my >refit projects," Scotty said, typing away. Tom: Yep. Ten thousand liters of whiskey and fifty metric tons of Ho-Hos per trip. > "I've lowered her >shields." Mike: [automated voice] And thank you for using AT&T. > "Ross, I want that ship under our control and her crew in >our brig," Lieutenant Commander Picard ordered. > Tom: [Ross} Yes, ma'am! I'll send the Boulder Police Department over there right away! > Wesley phased into existence in an alley near a beach. Mike: Where he was mugged, pantsed and taunted unmercifully. > The >interfering time travelers Tom: Doctor? Crow: Phineas? Mike: Sam? Tom: Dr. Vannice? > had beamed down into that very alley >just five minutes before. Wesley would have arrived at the same >time as they did if he could, but his recent travel had left him >somewhat drained. Crow: That, or the Liquid Plummer he's been chugging. Mike: And Stephen decides against overloading the plot contrivance machine. > Wesley wore black shorts and a white t-shirt which read >"Stanford University Computer Science: We don't have a life, we >have a program." Tom: No shoes. Bet that's fun on the July pavement in Florida. > He quickly scanned the area, looking for clues. Tom: Steve and Blue soon showed up to help. >Other than the recent tire prints in the sand of the alley, Crow: Boy, Florida needs to sweep up after itself! > there >was no sign of anyone having been there in weeks. Mike: Except for whoever left the tire-tracks. > The five >minutes had been enough to let them get away. Crow: Without leaving footprints. > He tapped his communicator, which had been attached to his >belt buckle. Tom: A belt with shorts? Not a good fashion statement, Wes. Mike: That's so if anyone spots him, they'll just assume he's a nerd. Tom: Well, I think the T-shirt more or less guarantees that. > "Crusher to Stargazer," he said. Mike: Check. Mate in three. > "Stargazer here," his sister replied. "I assume you have >good news?" Tom: [Wes] I didn't find the guys, but I found their pony keg. > "I'm afraid I got here to late," Wesley said. "I'm at the >coordinates now, but they're long gone." Tom: It's official - the co-ordinates have gone, and they've taken the grammar checker with them. > "Can't you travel back to when they arrive?" Marrissa asked. Mike: [Marrissa] Can't everyone? > "No, I don't have that much fine control, time-wise," Wesley >explained Crow: [Wesley] Actually, I don't have any control at all. I've been surviving so far on blind luck. > "In addition, all my recent travel has dulled my >abilities. Mike: Well, *that's* an excuse that's never been used before. > I could use a good night's sleep." Tom: [Wes] Otherwise, zap, I might find myself eating breakfast sometime during the Renaissance. Mike: He needs that nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, stuffy head, so you can time travel medicine. > "OK, as soon as we finish securing the Eagle, we'll beam you Crow: [Marrissa]: ...into a wall. There are *penalties* for failing me... >up and see about finding a new plan," Marrissa decided. Crow: Why do they need a new plan? Why can't they just let him get his sleep and then go back in time to today? It's not like it's going anywhere. >"Stargazer out." > Wesley walked toward the beach, killing time until the >Stargazer was back in range. Tom: And can't he just jump forward to that time? Mike: Well, he's going that way anyway. It'd be like one skydiver thumbing a ride from another. > It was early morning, about seven, >and the beach was almost empty. There was red haired woman in a >gray sweat shirt jogging up the beach with a man in a black suit >following her. Crow: Bill? Leave her alone, Bill! You're in too much trouble already. Tom: Marilu Henner and Tommy Lee Jones train for the marathon. > As she drew closer, Wes read the black words on >her shirt, "Stanford University." Wes smiled, she was right on >schedule. There was some advantage to being from the future. Mike: Already he had indulged in some discreet off-track betting. >"Good morning, Chelsea," he said. Mike: o/~ The Earth says hello! o/~ Crow: Hey, when did she get to be a red-head? Tom: Probably trying to avoid being associated with her parents. > Chelsea stopped, and her escort skidded to a stop beside >her. "Wes, when did you get here?" Mike: [Chelsea] Oh, and this isn't an escort. He's just a friend. I love only you. > "Five Minutes ago," Tom: Wow. Biblical minutes. > Wesley said, as he closed the distance >between them. Crow: And the secret service guy just stands there, doing nothing. Mike: He ought to recognize a national security threat like Wesley. > "What took you so long?" Chelsea asked. Crow: And why does he have to walk the ten feet? Boy, some master of time and space. Mike: You really like thinking small, don't you. > "Its been three >months since I last saw you." Tom: [Chelsea] You couldn't, like, stretch it out even more, could you? > "Well you know, I live a couple hundred parsecs and 374 >years away, and it's a hell of a commute," Wesley said smiling as >Chelsea stepped up to him. Tom: He's traveling back in time 374 years but he can't manage the extra three months? And don't give me this "fine control" line. > "I know," Chelsea replied, hugging the time traveler. "I >suppose you aren't going to tell me why you're here again." Crow: [Wes] I've taken a new job with a guy named Galactus. Um, you may need to practice looking inedible. > "That depends on my sister," Wesley responded, enjoying the >feel of Chelsea in his arms. Tom: [Robert Duvall] I love the feel of Chelsea in my arms. It feels like victory. Crow: Considering that Bill Clinton was annoyed by that article in Time about Chelsea, what does he feel about this? Mike: WHY? Just WHY? Crow: Even Marrissa skinny dipping was better than this! > "Sister?" Crow: Yes, Tia Mowry goes solo in the new spin-off sitcom, "Sister", only on the dubba-dubba-WB. > "Marrissa's in charge of this mission," Wesley replied, Mike: [Chelsea] She's the girl you called the Strawberry-Ice Maiden from Hell with a big ego problem, right? > as a >soft beep was heard. Crow: Fries are done. > "Stargazer to Crusher," a voice said. > "I assume that's her now," Chelsea said. "I'll leave you to >talk to her. Come see me, if you can. I'm at 7631 Armstrong >Drive." Tom: [Chelsea] It's one small step for man, and one giant leap away from those two jerks at home! Mike: I remember this one Saturday Night Live sketch where Chelsea used her power to completely dominate those around her. I'm looking forward to her meeting Marrissa... > She withdrew from Wesley's arms and resumed her jog, with >her Secret Service escort behind her. Tom: An escort, note, who HAD NO PROBLEM LETTING CHELSEA HUG A STRANGER WHO LOOKS STRANGE, TALKS STRANGE AND WHO MAY HAVE HAD A GUN IN HIS POCKET! > Wesley sighed. Mike: He'd be a lonely boy again tonight. >Maintaining a long distance relationship was not easy. Crow: But it's cheaper if you use 10-10-1-800-321-220-976-9000, then dial 1 and the number. > "Crusher >here," he said, answering the call. Tom: Hi Crusher, I'm Andy, and I'd like to ask you a few questions about telecommunications. > "Transporters are now available." Crow: Why does he need a transporter if he can just-- Mike: Enough already! > "One to beam up now." > Tom: [Marrissa] So instead of going down there to do what you were supposed to be doing, you decided to chase some First Daughter tail around the beach instead? > Marrissa sat at the head of the table in the observation >lounge receiving the bad news. Mike: They'd just canceled the new "Fantasy Island". > Admiral Scott sat to her right, Tom: Yep, that's bad news. >and her brother Wesley on her left. Crow: And that's worse news. > Lieutenant Ross Lochard, the >Chief of Security, was next to Wesley. Mike: *Sigh* I really missed this! Tom: Really? Mike: Nah, but it beats heck out of Lavelle's cutesy card dealing. > At the moment, Lochard >was telling of his frustrated questioning of the crew of the >Eagle. Tom: [Ross] Well, unfortunately they only spoke Pakled, and I forgot to turn on the universal translator, and, well, I, um, got mad and vaporized them. Sorry. > "I'm really getting tired of them calling me a war hawk and >militarist," Lochard said. Mike: [Lochard] As far as I'm concerned, anyone who thinks that the Federation is warlike and militaristic ought to be taken out and shot. > "It wouldn't be so bad if they would >tell me something about what they plan to do, but they won't. Tom: [Ross] And even that would be tolerable if they didn't keep singing "I know something you don't know" over and over. Mike: Well, to be fair, the best way to keep a secret plan a secret is to not be blabbing it out to every yahoo in a starship. Crow: Yeah, and Lochard's just a big gossip, anyway. >The only thing I could get out is what they were saying when my >security team beamed aboard. 'The prospects of Athena do not look >good.' That's all I have." Crow: What does a virgin goddess care about her prospects, anyway? Tom: Maybe she intends to go prospecting in a mined-out area. Mike: Or she's a prospective client of somebody. > "Admiral Scott, what information do we have on the Athena?" >Marrissa asked. Crow: [Marrissa] Other than the stuff the computer just told us when I brilliantly guessed the important event. Mike: [Scotty] Aye, a fine lassie she be, wi' flashing eyes of grey... > "The Athena is a hybrid spacecraft to be assembled in >orbit," Scotty said. Crow: Ah, they're going to crossbreed the space shuttle and a rare blue hydrangea. > "The first two components were launched by >the Russians last week. They are the engine and fuel compartment >and a secondary living space. Mike: Yep, a 55-gallon drum of Vodka and spare Mir parts add up to a quality spacecraft. Crow: Unfortunately, SS Modules take a long time to build, and so they haven't built any solar panels and their odds of reaching Alpha Centauri aren't good. Tom: Well, we know it's destined to blow up when it gets there anyway... > The finial component is the Space >Shuttle Endeavor. Tom: And nothing makes so lovely a steeple piece as a space shuttle. Mike: Yeah, you laugh, but I've seen some churches where it wouldn't look out of place. > It will be launched from Cape Canaveral on the >first, amid a quite a bit of fan fare Crow: Fan fare (noun): A Piece of music written by alt.startrek.creative. > and docked with the rest of >the Athena on the third." > "OK, that's their target," Marrissa stated. "We know that >at least four members of the Eagle's crew are in Florida with a >24th Century Technology. Crow: Unfortunately, it was Centauri Empathy, which didn't help out much on Earth. > How can we stop them without revealing >ourselves?" Mike: Well, if you walk around the beach half naked and drunk, you could pass for any college student. > "I have some contacts that may help us," Wesley said. Mike: They'll help you see! Bots: [groan]. > "I've >worked in this time period before. Crow: And without a visa! > I know the current President >and his daughter. They've helped before. Crow: [Wesley] Well, she has. He mainly helps himself. Mike: The President's belief in visitations from the future would explain a lot. > Since the President >will be attending the launch, I think he will allow us to be >added to the Secret Service Advance Team. Mike: He will? Why?!? Tom: "Hi, Mr. President, we're from the future and we need access to yourself and your daughter and several sensitive high-security government installations. Can we join your Secret Service Team?" Crow: [Clinton] Well, sure!! Just grab a gun and join the fun! > I've still got my >Secret Service badge anyway." Tom: Oh, come *on*. It sounds like he keeps it in his junk drawer with the stamps and ballpeen hammer. > "OK, how do you suggest we approach President Clinton?" >Marrissa inquired. Crow: With your legs crossed and a phaser pointed at his Slick Willy. Mike: You just don't even care when you go too far anymore, do you? Crow: What do you mean, "anymore"? > "Well his daughter Chelsea is currently an intern at the >Kennedy Space Center," All: An INTERN?!?!?!?!? Crow: Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Owieowieowieowie! Mike: Yeah, I can just see Clinton letting his only daughter be an *intern* anywhere! Tom: [Clinton] Just don't let anyone do to you what I do to my interns, sweetie. Crow: Hello, Stephen - are you reading the newspapers? Are any current events filtering into your world?!? What are you doing?!?!? > Wesley began. "I can contact her and then >I suggest that Chelsea and I go talk to her father." Mike: Providing he's not off bombing Kosovo, or trying to pick up Britney Spears, or in a Whopper-induced daze or something. > "I'll agree with that, but I'm coming as well," Marrissa >said. > "Respectfully, Captain," Ross began, Crow: [Ross] Bite me! > "but you are our >commanding officer and should not be going into risky >situations." Tom: o/~ Just take those old records off the shelf! o/~ Mike: AHHHH!!!! Image! Burned! Into! My! Mind! Crow: Baseball, Mike. Think of Baseball. Mike: AHHHHH!!! Stone and Parker! Not acting well! AHHHHHH!!!!! Tom: Think of Nicole Kidman, Mike. Mike: Oh. That's better. > "Lieutenant, I don't think that visiting the President of >the United States of America is a risky situation," Marrissa >replied. Mike: [Marrissa] Except if you're an underaged female intern, I mean. > "If you think so, I'd like to know why." Crow: She's a young, reasonably attractive female going to meet the Human Viagra Pill. What could possibly go wrong? > > Timothy Mann stood outside the Oval Office. His job was to >guard the President. Tom: And by "Guard", they mean "Baby-Sit". > That had not been an easy job. >Theoretically, everyone had to pass numerous guards to reach the >President. Mike: Unless you're a zaftig young aide in a beret and thong. > Last spring had disproved that theory. Crow: When the secret tunnel to McDonald's was found. > Several time >the First Daughter and her boyfriend had somehow visited without >passing either. Tom: "Either?" Two guards is "numerous?" > It was almost enough to make the head of the >Presidential Detail wish that the FBI really had an X-Files >division. Tom: Yeah, I bet the Secret Service really wants the FBI messing in their jurisdiction! Crow: Y'know, I'm not an unreasonable artificial life form, but I'd just like to state for the record that if Mulder and/or Scully show up, I'm taking my marbles and going home! > But Wesley had been given full access and even given Secret >Service credentials. Crow: Apparently Director Goofus was in charge that day. > Mann didn't like this. Tom: He's not alone. Crow: Is it standard operating procedure to give all First Boyfriends Q-Clearance and a Secret Service position, Mike? Mike: You'd be surprised. > After all, Wesley >had no background and claimed to be from the future. Crow: Well hey, all the more reason to give him a top-level security clearance. > He had to >be crazy. Mike: Or maybe he's just here to protect Sarah Connor. > On the other hand, he did have some extraordinary >talents, and Mann wasn't one to argue with the Commander and >Chief. Crow: Despite the fact that Chief was straight from a mental institution where he claimed to have known Jack Nicholson. Mike: The "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" riff, Ladies and Gentlemen. Tom: So Mann's not da man? > In his ear came the message, Tom: Wear sunscreen. > "First Daughter, Future Guy, >and companion heading for Oval Office." All: [snicker] Mike: These wonderfully inconspicuous code names brought to you by the Bureau of Hey, Look--We're a Secret Government Organization (a division of the Department of the Obvious). > They came into view >around the corner. Chelsea was wearing a blue polo shirt with >tan slacks. Mike: She must auditioning for one of those "Gap Khaki" ads. > Wesley wore the traditional Secret Service attire of >a black suit complete with sunglasses. Tom: [Wesley] You know the difference between you and me? I make this look *geeky*! > Behind them was a blond >girl in a red blouse and black skirt who couldn't be more than 15 >years old. Mike: "Wag the Dog", anyone? > Mann knocked on the door and announced, "Chelsea, Wesley, >and a friend to see you, sir." > Tom: Don't bother trying to find out who the third person is, Tim. Crow: Who's in charge of security around here, anyway, Daffy Duck? Mike: Hey, for all he knows, she could be Big Bill's latest "friend." Crow: Ladies & Gentlemen, President William J. LePetomaine, uh, Clinton! > President Clinton was going though the latest intelligence >reports on Iraq when his daughter and her friends arrived. Tom: International crisis? Never mind that, it's my daughter's geeky boyfriend! >Saddam Hussein was due to make his quarterly defiance of UN >resolutions, and Clinton intended to head him off this year. Crow: [Clinton] We'll head that mangy varmint off at the pass, boys! Tom: This sounds suspiciously like Stephen and his "Annual Romulan Crisis" scenario. Mike: Yeah, but it also sounds depressingly like real life. > If >he would have just let the inspectors inspect everywhere back in >1997, Saddam probably wouldn't be still under the said >resolutions, Crow: Who said those resolutions? Tom: Time to play "Guess What Stephen Meant Here"! Again! > but who ever said dictators had to be sane. Crow: Which one - Tom Baker or John Pertwee? > The President would have asked Chelsea to wait, but So Damn >Insane didn't seem to be doing anything at the moment, Tom: Except for invading Syria. Mike: So Damn Insane? Is that a band? Crow: Yeah. They sang "I Can Change." > and she >had come all the way from Florida without the aid of traditional >transportation. Tom: She rode a robotic kangaroo? What the hell is he talking about? > Plus Wesley was with her, and if he was with >her, chances are it was important. "Send them in," Clinton >ordered, his voice still a little horse from the previous night's >speeches. Tom: Sheesh! What is it with Ratliff and horses? Mike: Uh, Tom... Tom: I mean, first he makes Marrissa a master jockey - as if she'd be anything else, of course! Mike: Now wait a sec- Tom: Then that Jellico thing ends up at the annual Star Fleet Derby or whatever... Mike: I don't think... Tom: *Then* he publishes short stories based on the triple crown race, and NOW he's cast a horse as the President of the Uni- Mike: [firmly] *Tom!* It's just another misspelling. Tom: Oh. Well, never mind, then. Crow: Wound kinda tight, isn't he? > At least he didn't have to answer any more questions >about Whitewater. Crow: Since all the witnesses had left the country - one way or the other! > A special prosecutor with too much time on his >hands was a real pain. Tom: How *dare* he do the job he had been specifically commissioned to do? Mike: Yeah, especially when you've committed perjury and obstructed justice. > As for a Congress set on taking him down >any way they could, the thought still sent chiles down his spine. Tom: Or Argentinas, or Paraguays... Crow: So Clinton's spine is made of chiles... corn... chicken... onions... >Thankfully, this current Congress seemed to be trying to avoid >partisan politics. [All sputter.] Tom: Boy, even for science fiction that last one defies belief. Crow: It is now official- Stephen is not living on the same planet as we are. Mike: Crow, only Gypsy is living on the same planet as we are. Crow: Well, fine. If you want to get technical about it. > His daughter entered in a most exuberant mood. He had to >admit that his daughter was in love with Wesley, Mike: Yes, but isn't everybody? Tom: Shut up. > but he really >didn't want her to grow up. Mike: She'll be the First "Toys 'R' Us Kid" forever! > Wesley came in behind her. Tom: Hoping Bill wouldn't throw anything for fear of hitting Chelsea. > Clinton >liked Wesley, in fact he'd trust him with his daughter's life. Crow: Geez! And they used to worry about *Quayle's* judgment!! >Not that he intended to let Wesley know that. Last came a young >girl who had an air of command around her, like he'd come to >expect from his Crow: Wife? > better Admirals and Generals. Crow: It could still be her, you know. Tom: Plus, she carried a swagger stick and wore combat boots. > It wasn't a stare >the pierced your soul, Mike: Just shriveled it. > or a stiff ram-rod posture like he'd >assumed that was a sign of a good commander when he began his >first term as President. Crow: You'd need Riker for that, wouldn't you? > No, it was a comfortable posture and a >confident expression, with a tint of fear Crow: Note to self; to appear commanding, look slightly afraid. > at the new >surroundings, but determined as well. Mike: [Marrissa] Hmmm, this will make an adequate headquarters for my empire in this time period! > "Chelsea, Wesley, what brings you here, and who is your >young friend," the President asked, coming around his desk. Tom: [Clinton] And would she like a private tour of the White House? > "We've got another group of interfering time travelers, Dad" >Chelsea explained. Tom: [President] Again? Well, put them out by the dumpster with the others. > "And this is Wes's little sister, Marrissa >Picard." Tom: Would he really consider her his sister? I mean, the only relationship they actually have is that she was adopted by the man who married his mother. Mike: Blended families are so confusing. > "Then you must be following in your older brother's >footsteps," Clinton assumed. Tom: [Marrissa] Yes, I plan to become an annoying little scene stealer just like the Weasel here. > "Actually, no," Marrissa said, a glint of amusement in her >eyes. Tom: [Marrissa] He's a total incompetent when it comes to people skills. > "I'm his commanding officer." > "Really?" Clinton said in disbelief. Mike: You'll get used to it, Bill - we did. Crow: Heaven help us. > "Mr. President, meet my little sister, Lieutenant Commander >Marrissa Picard, acting Captain of the USS Stargazer, currently >in orbit," Wesley said. Mike: [President] Oh, come on. I can see she's not in orbit, she's right in front of me. > "You command a starship," Clinton asked. Tom: "Yes, I do?" she said. Crow: ["Riding With Death" guy] It can't beeeeeeee?? You're deeeead??? > "Technically, I'm Second Officer," Marrissa said. "However Mike: [Marrissa] The Captain knows who's in charge around here. >the Captain and First Officer hadn't arrived when we had to chase >the Eagle back to prevent her from interfering with the past." Tom: I'd do a Church Lady ref, but after so many Ratliffian plot contrivances, my heart just isn't in it any more. Mike: [Marrissa] So I declared a coup d'etat and seized command. Now, can you guess what I'm *here* for?!? > "So there is a rogue starship up there whose crew is trying >to interfere with history," Clinton summed up. Tom: And a non-rogue starship who are also interfering, but in a GOOD way. Crow: [Clinton] I bet that Ken Starr's behind this. > "Close, I've captured the starship, but several members of >her crew beamed down with equipment before I could stop them," >Marrissa replied. "We think they are after the Athena." Crow: Other authors would just have said "Marrissa explained the situation". Not Ratliff! We get every rich, word-packed, sentence of reiterated plot. > "Why would they want to harm the first manned mission to >Mars?" Clinton asked. Crow: It's part of the vast, right-wing conspiracy, Bill. Just ask Hillary. In fact, I'll bet these guys are being bankrolled by Richard Scaife. Tom: Hey, speaking of Hillary, why haven't we seen her in this fanfic? Crow: Maybe it's because Ratliff can only handle one tyrannical, corrupt, egomaniacal all-powerful woman at a time. > "As near as we can figure out, some technology or discovery >was necessary for the some event they don't want to happen," >Wesley stated. Crow: Ummmmm... Tom: The heck? What does that *mean*? Crow: I think it means Wesley's high or something. Mike: This must be the sentence where all Ratliff's extra words go to die. Tom: At least there's no "Trp[" in it. > "For some reason, they don't like Star Fleet, so >we can't find out more." Mike: [Clinton] That's nice. Can you possibly be MORE vague? > "According to our analysts, if the Athena doesn't complete >it's mission," Marrissa said, "The Federation will not be founded >in the late twenty-first century. Mike: Thus making Bill Shatner the beloved Caped Crusader, ruining Patrick Stewart's "Christmas Carol", and depriving various former "Benson" cast members of gainful employment. Tom: What analysts? You and Ross and Scotty!?! > Personally, I don't want to >find out what happens instead." Crow: Well, the Cardassians, Klingons, and Romulans all unite together to bring peace and harmony to the universe. Tom: The Ferengi and Dominion join them to bring enlightenment to all sentient beings. Mike: Then the Pakleds wipe them all out with one board with a nail in it. > "I will do what I can to help you," the President replied. Mike: [Clinton] As long as it doesn't require, like, work or a public commitment or stuff. >"As I intend to watch the Athena's launch, an increase in Secret >Service personnel would not be unusual. Since Mr. Mann has >worked with you before, I'll have him sent to Florida, with >orders to assist you. Crow: Mr. Mann? Is he related to "THE Man"? M