The author of this story has given me permission to post this. That does not mean she agrees with anything that I have written, just that she has a sense of humour and is a good sport. Artmic and Youmex of course own BGC, and 'The Next Generation' belongs to its Author, and the commentators belong to me. And the MST concept belongs to someone else as well (how is that for legal talk?). This is done for the purposes of humour and should not be taken too seriously. Let's begin. (The Scene A living room, with several chairs and a couch, there is a bar in the far corner--it looks to be well stocked. It is decorated in questionable style, steel and glass with a sixties motif that is best not thought about. On the wall in front of the couch is what appears to be a picture of dogs playing poker. It is actually a liquid-crystal-display screen. Elenoin is sitting on the couch, looking over some printouts. Domino, dressed in a pleated, blue skirt, and a middy, sailor blouse, enters.) Domino: Hey. Elenoin: Afternoon. (Looks at Domino) I take it that you just came from your latest job? Domino:(Sits on the couch) I tired out for Kite you know. Almost got the part. (Shakes her head) Oh Well. What are you up to? Elenoin: Just checking over my accounts. (Scene: Ree enters.) Ree: Hey all, good news. Elenoin: What? Ree:(Takes a seat on the couch) I got a new job. Domino, we're going to be working together. Domino: What? Ree: I got a part in the show. You see, once the Idol Singers start getting popular the record company will become worried that their reputation could be ruined. So they tell Shoji, the university student, that he needs to have someone along to vouch for the girls' reputations. Domino: Why me? Elenoin: Congratulations. Ree: It will be interesting to do a non-mecha piece of work, and me and Shoji will be getting nasty in later episodes. Domino:(Moans) I wish I had gotten the lead in Kite. Ree: It could be worse. You could have ended up in a Magical Girl show. Domino: That is true. Oh, how far I have fallen. Elenoin: So, what are we doing this time? Domino:(Produces some paper) Well, it is a rather long fic, compared to others we have done, called, The Next Generation, by an author named Amanda Stair. Ree: Long? Domino:(Nods) Don't worry though. I checked with the producers. Once we finish Chapter one we can exercise the escape clause in our contracts. Then we won't have see the rest of it, if we do not want to. Ree: That's good. Elenoin:(Puts her printouts aside) Looks like it is beginning. (Scene: The picture of the dogs playing poker flickers and begins to display the fic.) A BGC MST (Part 1 of 3) by Shawn Hagen Domino: How I hate him. > It is the year 2054 A.D. The Knight Sabers have long gone their >separate ways, each of them trying to advance their own careers. With >no Boomers on a rampage, they decided to call it quits just two years after >the "Bubblegum Crash" era. Ree:(British Accent) While Japan's Jomon era has long fascinated archaeologists, the Bubblegum Crash era has garnered a great deal of attention. Domino: With Boomers no longer rampaging, perhaps? > Sylia is still running her Silky Doll lingerie shop, Elenoin: And this is advancing her career, how? >which has been a huge hit in MegaTokyo and now has several chains >throughout Japan. Domino: Sylia's Secrets. Ree: Mackie keeps all the catalogues under his futon. >Linna has quit her job at Phoebe's and now has started her own acrobatics >gym. Elenoin: Acrobatics? What, is she teaching circus performers? Ree: While I never gave Crash much credit, I always thought that if Linna gave up on her dream of becoming a world famous entertainer, that she'd become a stockbroker. >Nene is no longer working for AD Police, since they were no longer needed >after Boomers stopped coming out. Domino: I do miss the Boomer coming out parties. They were one of the top engagements of the MegaTokyo social season. Ree: Yes, disband the ADP. Not like they might be needed for terrorist attacks or anything else the regular police can't deal with. >She has instead decided to work alongside Sylia in her lingerie shop, and >is actually having the time of her life. Ree: Is this the same Nene who is a l337 ha> And of course, who could forget about Priss. Domino: Priss? Elenoin: You know, wears a blonde wig, has a fetish for motorcycles. Domino: Oh yeah. > Priss has decided to take another shot at a professional debut, and >succeeded. After coming back from a world tour, she decided to take it >easy for a while. That 'while' turned out to be three years when she >suddenly gave birth to a baby girl. Elenoin: No need to undergo nine months of labour in the twenty first century. Ree:(Priss Imitation) Damn. Sorry about that. I seem to have suddenly had a baby. And all over my new riding boots. >She refuses to name the father, and all that is known is that she was >raped soon after coming home from her tour. Domino: Priss? Raped? By what army? Elenoin: I suspect she has not named the father as she tracked him down and killed him afterwards. Ree: That would be both realistic and in character. Except Priss being raped is completely ridiculous. >Priss decided to keep the >child, whom she named Yumeko (meaning "child of dreams"). Domino: I hope the Sandman sues. > And now, Yumeko is sixteen years old, and full of energy. Ree:(Grandpa Simpson Imitation) She was full of piss and vinegar! >She does not yet know who her mysterious father is, Elenoin: Because Priss killed him. Ree:(Priss Imitation) Well, I was so hammered that night. There was that baseball team... >nor does she realize the dangers of being the child of a Knight Saber... Domino: The greatest of which is being in this fanfic I believe. >"Bubblegum Crisis - The Next Generation" >(apologies to the creators of Star Trek) Domino: What about apologies to the fans of Bubble Gum Crisis? >Written by Amanda Stair > I suppose I could be what people call a 'normal' teenager. Ree: If you consider DJ. Croft to be normal. Elenoin: So you think she is an author avatar? Ree: You bet. Just watch. A million yen says she gets her own hardsuit. Elenoin: Not if you gave me odds. >I like hanging out, eating, and cruising around on my new >motorcycle. Ree: Taking drugs. Domino: Engaging in unprotected sex. Elenoin: You know, normal stuff. Domino: Think she is aware you have to be 18 to get a licence in Japan? Unless, of course, you are riding a scooter. Elenoin: This is Priss' child we are dealing with. You think she would bother with a licence? Ree: Two million yen says she does. Elenoin: You're on. >I sleep in till noon when time allows it, and I occasionally cut classes >when I don't feel like going to that particular class. Oh, and my mom's >a singer too. Ree: Britney Spears. Domino: As if we are going to need extra reasons to not like this Yumeko. > My mom, Priss Asagiri, is lead singer for a rock band called Ree: The B-Sharps. >Priss and the Replicants. After performing in a nightclub called Hot >Legs for a time, they decided to go pro, Domino: Priss has won the Masters tournament five times. >and boy did they ever!! By my count anyway, they've released four >albums (every one of them going multi-platinum), and gone on three >world tours. Ree: They either released four albums or they did not, and what does your count have to do with it? Domino: Maybe Yumeko does not count anything before she was born? >Mom says she does it because she enjoys it and "it's better than sitting >behind a desk all day long like some of those half-wits out there." Ree:(Priss Imitation) And it gets me away from you. > Although Mom made it to the World Top 10, she and I don't live in a >big, fancy mansion like some other famous people do. Instead, we live in >a small apartment in District 6, where the rent is moderate and life is just, >well...life. Elenoin: And she does this because... Ree: I'm sure it will be explained to us. Domino: But will it make sense? > "I don't like servants," she'd say whenever I asked her why we don't >live in a mansion. "They make you into a damn invalid, Domino: Breaking your bones when you aren't looking. >doing every little thing for you and all. Ree: Like eating. You starve with servants. Domino: And all? Why does this Priss speak like a Texan? >If I wanna do something, I'll just do it myself, thank you very much." >She paused. "Besides, I want to feel human, not like some...queen >on a pedestal having everyone at her beck and call." Ree:(Priss Imitation, with British accent) We are not amused. Domino: That's scary. > In this day and age, it's hard to know what's human and what's >not. Elenoin:(Yumeko Imitation) Is this human? Ree:(Priss Imitation) No dear, that's a blender. >There are humans and Boomers wandering the streets wherever you >look. Domino: What if you look in your closet? Ree: According to the author you'll see humans and Boomers wandering the street. Domino: Big closets. >Boomers are basically mechanical humans, slaves to do what no one else >will. Domino:(Sobbing) Like being forced to read this fanfic. Ree:(Puts her arm around Domino's shoulders) There, there Domino. Don't let the mean author make you feel bad. Domino: I hurt Ree. Ree: We all do Domino. We all do. >Some would be pretty simple, just doing their job, whatever that would be, >and nothing more. Domino: Some are pretty simple, perhaps? >Others are so complex and advanced that they look and act just like >humans. Domino: What, they act irrational? Ree: Look in the mirror lately, Domino? Domino: Guilty. > Back in the 2030's, there'd be Boomers whose circuits had gone >haywire going around and destroying everything in its path. Elenoin:(Monotone) Bad fire hydrant. Must destroy! Bad lamppost. Must destroy! Ree: Wait. Are these Boomer rampages or Hulk rampages? > Mom would say the special police force created to destroy any >Boomer that went nuts, the AD Police, weren't worth shit when it >came to handling Boomers. They'd get slaughtered like so many flies. Domino: And because they were incompetent it is all right not to care about the many deaths. Ree: If we are to believe the author. >Then the Knight Sabers would step in and kill the Boomer as if it were >nothing. Elenoin: Priss is leaving out the stories about the Hyper-Boomers, Largo, and Myriam's creations. Ree:(Checks watch) Managed to bring in BGC Cliché 1 and 2 pretty damn quick, without even having a Boomer rampage. Domino: Ah, the incompetent ADP. The last refuge of mediochre BGC fanfic everywhere. > Mom said they appeared around 2031 and left the spotlight four >years later, when Boomers rarely went on rampages anymore, Domino: as Boomers rarely went on rampages after that, perhaps? >and any that did could be handled even by ADP. Ree: Oh, look. She actually said something nice about the ADP. Domino: Nice to see Trooper 28's suffering got some respect. >From the way she talked about the Knight Sabers, you'd think she'd >personally witnessed every fight they ever fought or something... Ree:(Milo imitation) And this is called? Domino:(Opus imitation) Uh, well... Ree: Foreshadowing! >* * * * * Ree: And no two alike. Elenoin: No separator jokes! (Smacks Ree on the head) > I heard someone knocking on the door. Domino: Who's there? Ree: Go fuck yourself. Domino: Thank you Mr. Hanks. >Groaning, I sat up in bed, rubbed my eyes, and looked at the clock. >8:21 A.M. I cursed under my breath and got dressed, pulling on some old, >worn jeans and a blue sweatshirt. The knocking persisted and even my >mom started groaning about the noise. Ree: Yep, Priss must be a deep sleeper. That would be such a useful survival trait on the post-quake-MegaTokyo streets. Elenoin: Thankfully she has Yumeko to take care of her. > "I'm coming, already!" I yelled to the person on the other side of the >door as I sprinted towards it. After opening the door, Ree: I was attacked by one of mom's many stalkers. He cut me open with a kitchen knife and then wrote the lyrics to all of mom's songs on the wall with my blood. The end. Elenoin: You always do that. Ree: Hope springs eternal. >I saw a few reporters with some cameras. "Do you mind?" I snapped. >"It's eight-thirty in the morning." Domino:(Reporter) Ah isn't that cute. She can tell the time. Now bug off kid. > "Sorry," one of the reporters said, obviously not meaning it. "We >have a few questions for your mother." Ree:(Reporter) Is it true that she is a good friend of Eve from MegaZone 23? Elenoin:(Reporter) Is it true she dated Gabriel Tanaka? Domino:(Reporter) Is it true she is in fact Sandy McDonald from CS-1 Serendier? > "She can't come to the door right at the moment." > "But we really need to talk to her," he persisted. Domino: She owes us money. Ree: She's carrying for us. >"It's about her Ree: Alleged affair with John F. Kennedy. Domino: Relationship to Misty Brown. >next album." > "Well," I said, "she needs her rest so she'll be able to perform well, >doesn't she? And the more you come here at eight in the morning to >pester her with questions, the longer it's gonna be before she releases >it!! You got my drift?" Domino: Probably not. They're thick reporters. Buy a clue kid. > "But...we were just..." Ree: Bottom feeding? Elenoin: I thought that was lawyers? Ree: Same difference. > I slammed the door in his face and went to the kitchen. I had just >gotten myself some coffee when Mom came in. Her hair was rumpled >from the rough night she had, and I though I saw circles under her eyes >as well. That was becoming routine lately, as she had been working a >lot in the past few weeks. Ree: Anything to avoid spending time with Yumeko. > "Morning," she grumbled as she poured herself some coffee and sat >down. "What'd they want now?" Elenoin: And Priss knows there was someone who wanted something, how? > "They wanted to ask you more questions about your next album." > "Figures. They still at the door?" > "No, I told them to bug off." Ree: Right. The rude reporters who come banging on your door in the morning will just pack off because you told them to. > "Good," she said, brightening a little. "Reporters really piss me off. >They're like moths drawn to a flame or something." Domino: Ah, and here we see why Priss is so famous. What a clever metaphor she came up with. I'm glad we are getting to see the creative side of Priss. Elenoin: If reporters piss her off so much, why not move to a condo with a security desk or door? Ree: You're right Domino. The explanation will not make much sense. > I nodded in agreement. It seemed that whenever Mom was going to >be releasing an album or going on another tour, the reporters really were >like moths drawn to a flame. Elenoin: You know; I'm getting this idea that reporters are like moths, drawn to flames. Domino:(Wearing glasses, a dictionary in her lap) Redundant, an adjective. Exceeding what is necessary or natural. See redundant. >They would never leave her alone, even though they knew perfectly >well that it annoyed her more than almost anything. Ree: What? More than if they were to say, kill someone she cared about? Elenoin: So again, why not move to some place where the reporters can be kept away from your door? Ree: Give it up Elenoin. This stopped making sense when Sylia went on to follow her dream of owning a chain of lingerie stores. >A few times, she almost punched a photographer because he wouldn't >stop taking pictures of her. Domino: Priss Asagiri, proud graduate of the Sean Penn school of etiquette. > "You don't look like you slept well," I pointed out. Ree:(Priss Imitation) And yet with some coffee I'll be fine. You'll still be an author avatar. > "I didn't," she groaned. "I've been at the recording studio pretty late >lately, and those reporters coming here early in the morning isn't helping >my mood any, either." She took another sip of her coffee. > "Hey, you're not the only one who's not a morning person," I said, >smiling. Domino: Only morning people can smile in the morning. > "I see that," Mom said, also smiling. Elenoin: Priss and Kasumi, separated at birth? > We heard someone knock on the door again. Both Mom and I >slapped our hands over our faces, not wanting to hear from any >more reporters. Ree: They slapped their hands over their faces to avoid hearing the reporters? Domino: The sounds of them slapping themselves drowned out the sound of the knocking. >I got up and stormed towards the door, ready to give them an earful, when >I heard a cheery voice from the other side of the door. Elenoin: Avon calling! Ree: Have you been saved? Domino: Land shark. > "Anyone home?" I heard Aunt Nene call out happily. Nene isn't really >my aunt, I just call her that because she and I are so close to one another. Ree: How close would... Elenoin: It is too early for that. Ree: Prude. Domino: I'm glad we are told that Nene is not her real aunt. I would have been thinking that Nene's brother raped Priss. >If I felt I couldn't talk to Mom about something, Domino: Because she was out of the country, touring. >I would turn to Nene for advice, or less often, Aunt Linna or Sylia. I >opened the door and let her in. Ree: Look, she knows all the Knight Sabers. What a surprise. > "Morning, Yumeko," she sang. Domino:(Singing) Good morning, good morning... >She wasn't much shorter than I was, maybe two or three inches. Her >lovely red hair framed her round face Ree: So Nene's face is a picture now that needs to be framed? Elenoin: The sign of bad writing everytwhere. At least it was hair and not 'flaming red tresses'. >that flushed with happiness. Ree: Nene's stoned. Lucky. >Her green eyes were sparkling brightly even in the dim light of the >apartment. Elenoin: The tiny halogen lamps within them saw to that. Ree: Its E. She's hopped on on E! >She was dressed in a blue jacket with a white blouse under it, with >a matching blue skirt. Her purse was swung over one shoulder. Domino: And an AK-47 slung over the other shoulder. Suddenly Yumeko knew what had happened to all the reporters. >Even though she was approaching middle age, she still looked like she >was only twenty or so. I'm sure Mom envied her for that. Ree: Wow, Nene looks twenty. Who are the Lolicons going to drool over now? Domino: Yumeko? > "Hey Nene," I said. Nene turned to Mom, who was slugging down her >coffee. > "Oh gee, is someone grumpy this morning?" Nene asked sarcastically. Elenoin: And what brought on this burst of sarcasm from Nene? Ree: Well, there was Priss, drinking coffee. She was asking for it. Domino: I think Nene is asking for a beating. > "Sorry, but I can't get up at the break of dawn like Linna does," >she said. > "Reporters came again," I mumbled. > "Again?" Nene asked. "My, aren't you the popular one, Priss." > "Oh, shut up," Mom spat. Ree: Gross, coffee all over the kitchen. > "Well," Nene said, ignoring Mom, "I just came by to say hello, >and to see how everyone is doing." She turned to me. "Oh Yumeko, >I heard you finally got your license. How do you like finally being able >to drive?" Ree: Ha! That is two million yen you owe me! Elenoin: Damn. Giving too much credit. > "It's ok," I mumbled. "Better than walking everywhere, or taking the >bus." Domino: Actually, in any big city with a half-decent transit system, it would be easier to take trains and busses rather than owning a vehicle. Ree: Sylia became the owner of a chain of lingerie stores. Domino: Oh yeah, this makes no sense. > "True, true," Nene agreed. "Well, I gotta be going now. Sylia's >really strict when it comes to being on time." She started for the door. Ree: Yep. If you are tardy Sylia will strap you down... Elenoin: That was 'Those Eyes'. Domino:(Nene Imitation) Just stopped by to be pointlessly sarcastic and let Yumeko tell everyone how she knows me. Ta ta. > Mom spoke up. "Why the hell did you do that to your hair, Nene? >It looks terrible." Domino: Yeah, I can see Priss giving a damn about hairstyles. >She was referring to Nene's new haircut. Ree: As opposed to the fact that Nene had replaced her hair with live snakes. >Originally, it had been long and flowing, Domino: Pitty the story isn't flowing half as well. >practically as long as my mom's hair was. Now it was cut short, only >coming down to the middle of her neck. It was attractive, but I >preferred her with long hair. Ree: And now we learn more about Yumeko. She prefers long hair. I am content. > "Doesn't matter if you don't like it, Priss," Nene shot back. "I >happen to like it very much." > "Well good for you," Mom said sarcastically. Domino: At least that bit of sarcasm made sense. > Stopping at the door, Nene turned to me and said, "Watch out >for her attitude, Yumeko. I swear, if looks could kill...." Ree:(Singing) ...I'd be lying on the floor, screaming please, please, please don't make me watch anymore... Elenoin: I can kill with a look. Domino: I would not be worried about Priss' look. The weapons she keeps on her person on the other hand... > "I heard that," Mom yelled from the table, where she was downing >another cup of coffee. > "Dontcha think I know that?" Nene called back. "Well, I'll be leaving >now. Oh, and when you see Linna, tell her I said hi, ok?" > "Ok," I said. "See ya later, Aunt Nene." > "Stop calling me that," she said, annoyed but smiling at the same time. >"It makes me feel...old." > "Well, you ARE forty, right? Sounds like old age to me," I joked. > "Oh ha ha." > "I thought it was funny," Mom said with amusement in her voice. > "Later, all," she sang out again as she left, leaving just Mom and I >alone in our small apartment. Ree: Ah, all the witty repartee. Domino: Well that just sucked. > Mom stood up and went to our bedroom to get dressed. The apartment >was a pretty small one, with only two so-called rooms: the living room/kitchen >and a single bedroom, which she and I shared. Sure, sometimes it felt like living >in a closet, but hey, it was home. Domino: Sounds like a pretty standard apartment in Tokyo. > "Aw SHIT!!" she yelled as I heard her run around the bedroom frantically. Ree: The Coffee had woken her up, and, upon realising that she was in this fanfic, she was frantically looking for a way out. >Mom was hardly ever on time for anything, even when it involved her >precious singing. She was supposed to be at the recording studio at 9 >o'clock. It was 8:55 now. Domino: Priss was always so concerned about being on time. > "Gonna be late again, I'm guessing?" I inquired. > "You got that right!" she bellowed Elenoin: Bellowed? Ree: Like an enraged wookie. >as she ran into the living room, dressed in her usual blue blouse, jeans, >and red boots. She snatched her jacket off of the couch and yanked it >on. Ree: The dressing scene. I am riveted to the screen. >"I think there's some stuff in the fridge you can fix up for lunch. If I'm not >home by dinner, eat without me." Domino: Priss Asagiri, the Florence Henderson of 2050. > "You've been working late a lot lately, Mom. Maybe you should take a >day off," I suggested. > "Believe me, I wish I could, but the damn recording company won't let >me have one for some reason," Ree: Because they want to finish the recording maybe? >she complained as she headed for the door. "Well, I gotta run. Later, Yume." >That was her nickname for me instead of just calling me Yumeko. Elenoin: Thank you for explaining. I would have never made the connection between Yume and Yumeko. > "Later Mom," I said as she closed the door behind her. I looked out the >window, down at the front door to the apartment building. Domino: Of the apartment building... Oh hell, I just don't care anymore. > Sure enough, there was a horde of reporters waiting for her to come out. Elenoin: I thought it was a flock of reporters? Ree: A gabble I think. >Once she did, they immediately surrounded her, not leaving her in peace as >she walked to her motorcycle, put on her helmet, and started up her bike. Elenoin: Parking garage. Think about it. > I sighed to myself, thinking, being a celebrity isn't all some people think it >to be, is it? Ree: Awwww. Now I feel sorry for the author avatar. Elenoin: I'm sure you do. >Looking out the window still, I saw Mom take off down the street, the reporters >trying in vain to catch up to her on foot. Domino: If these reporters are that stupid, how do they even find Priss' home? Elenoin: You know, I think her neighbours would have her kicked out for all these disturbances. > Ah, the start of another lovely day, I thought sarcastically. Ree: What's up with all this sarcasm? Domino: Lack of other adjectives? >* * * * * > I sped down the highway on my bike, heading nowhere in particular, Ree: Live the cliche. >but just for the fun of it. I loved just cruising around town, not a care in >the world. Except, of course, getting pulled over for speeding, but I didn't >really care about that. Domino: Let's see. She first tells us that she does care about getting pulled over, and then she tells us she does not. Elenoin: She is a whimsical girl. >Right now, I felt nothing could spoil my day, not a rotten ticket, not even >being chased by reporters. Domino: What if a combat sexaroid with a sniper rifle was on the roof of a nearby building? Elenoin: Bad Domino. Stop thinking such anti-social, yet wonderful, thoughts. > Deciding to stop for a rest, I pulled over. Yanking off my helmet, Ree: I discovered I had forgotten to remove the chinstrap and broke my neck. The end. Elenoin: Give it up. >I just sat back, closed my eyes, and let the cool wind play across my face. >The peacefulness of the moment didn't last long, however, as I heard a >motorcycle pull up next to me and stop. I opened my eyes and saw a large >man climb off his bike. Ree: I hope it is Leon. Domino: Why? Ree: Because I just can't get enough of the seeing canon characterization butchered. > "Didn't think I'd see you this early in the morning," he smirked. > "What do you want, Masahiro?" I growled. Elenoin: Growling, Bellowing, this is just like a nature show. Ree: Dog joke about Yumeko? Domino: Too easy, and as an author avatar you know's she's good looking. Ree: A legend in her own mind. > "Hey, what's with the bad attitude, babe?" he asked, still smirking. >"I know you're not the morning type, but hey, you're not usually this >grouchy." Elenoin: And just how does he know this? Ree: I suspect that Yumeko has drunk more than her fair share of morning coffee. > "I just don't feel like talking, that's all," I said, brushing him off. "Now >if you'll excuse me..." Domino: I have more readers to annoy. > I headed back towards my bike, Domino: Anyone remember Yumeko getting off her bike and walking away from it? Elenoin + Ree:(Shake their heads) >but Masahiro stepped in my way. He didn't scare me one bit, although >it looked like he was twice the size I was. Ree: I think I saw this guy in an Orange Road episode. He was 'Big Idiot #2'. Madoka took him down with a guitar pick as I recall. Domino: Good to see that he has gotten work. Elenoin: He looked like he was twice the size she was? Ree: Objects in the Fic may appear larger than they are. > "Why don't you come over to my place? There's more...privacy >there." He grinned evilly. I was starting to get real pissed off. Domino:(Sir Simon Milligan) Evil! > "Get out of my way." > "Why should I, babe?" > "One, there's no way in hell that I'm gonna get into bed with a creep >like you, and two, I'm not your babe! So move it!" Ree: Feel the passion of this dialogue! Domino: It's a 1960s surf movie! Hang ten Moon Dog! > I started to walk around him, but then Masahiro grabbed me by the >shoulders, stopping me in my tracks. He pulled me towards him and leaned >down, as if trying to kiss me. "Don't you wanna have some fun?" Ree: I hate guys who talk when they try to kiss you. > "Not your kind of fun, I know that." > "Just this once, babe. Give me a chance." > "Didn't you hear me the first time?!" > "Nope, I sure didn't." Elenoin: That's sad. He's hard of hearing. Ree: And stupid. Domino: Fanfic Mistake 3: Putting in a jerk as a foil to your character will not necessarily make the readers care. Ree: Especially if we start cheering for the jerk. All: Go Masahito, you magnificient bastard! > I had first met Masahiro at Hot Legs, the club where my mom >performed early in her career. Domino: Did she perform there earlier in her career or does she perform there now? If it was earlier then it is doubtful that Yumeko ever was at Hot Legs. Elenoin: Your assuming earlier meaning 2030ish. Domino: She goes pro in 2030. Being a pro means getting to leave places like Hot Legs. Elenoin: And return to them years later for that nostalgic feeling. Domino: Shut up. >He had seemed nice at the time, but after a while, I saw that all >he wanted was Ree: Mom's autograph. Domino: I'd buy that. >to get me in bed and then dump me like an old pair of shoes. Ree: Didn't even want to fuck her. No wonder Yumeko is so pissed. >Other people had told me that he'd done that to several girls, and >I wasn't about to become one of them. > "Would you let go?!" > "Come on, Yumeko," he whined. "You're the first girl that's meant >anything to me, and I won't let some other guy come and snatch you >away." Elenoin: He is whining now. (Deadpan voice) Oh, how I hate him. > "That's what you've said to plenty of girls, I've heard," I >snapped. > "Those bastards are just saying that cuz they want you for >themselves. Now come on, let's go somewhere where we can >be alone, shall we?" he asked. Ree: I suggest a black hole. Domino: They'd certainly be alone there. > "Wanna know what I think of that, Masahiro?" I asked, smiling >innocently. Elenoin: I'm not sure anyone wants to know what you think. Domino: Come on Masahiro, you can't be that stupid. Ree: He is standing next to an author avatar; he has to be that stupid to make that AA look good. > "What?" > I brought my knee up between Masahiro's legs, making him double >over in pain. He rolled on the ground, cursing me out. Domino: If he can still talk, and is not vomiting, you did not bring that knee up hard enough. (Deep Voice) Priss did not teach you well young Yumeko. Ree: One of these days she is going to meet a man with a spiked codpiece. >I simply continued towards my bike, pulling on my helmet as he >yelled, "You bitch! You don't know what you're missing!" > "I know perfectly what I'm missing," I called to him as I started >up the bike. "I'm missing my first chance at a broken heart. Thanks, >but no thanks." I roared off, leaving him still down on the ground and >calling after me. Ree: This family does a lot a roaring off. Elenoin: Would you not have to love someone before they could break your heart? Ree: I think she is worried about him popping her... Elenoin:(Puts her hand over Ree's mouth) Enough of that. Domino: Assuming it is not already popped. >* * * * * > I walked into the apartment, worn out from the day's events. Ree: She had an appearance in a Ranma fic, where she beat up Ranma and then cured him of his curse. Then she had to Save Usagi and the rest of the Senshi. All and all a busy day for an AA. Elenoin: Nice to see you are giving her a chance. >As if being woken up by reporters was bad enough, I had run into that >bastard Masahiro, gotten a speeding ticket (again), and Aunt Linna had >wanted me to lead her exercise class for a while when I'd stopped by >there for a visit. I hated exercise, almost as much as cleaning, but Linna >said she was busy with something else at the moment, Ree: I'm guessing in invovles several type of stock fraud and a lot of money. >and had insisted on me leading the class for an hour or two. Domino: All right, let's hit those trapezes. Ree:(Angry tone) The AA is teaching acrobatics now? Elenoin: You know, maybe it was supposed to aerobics? >I yanked off my biking gloves Domino: Lot of yanking going on in this fic. Ree: Not too surprising considering. >and laid back on the couch, just wanting to rest for a moment. > That hope didn't last long. I heard the door being thrust open and >slammed shut as Mom cheered. Domino: And what did she cheer? Ree: She just cheered. It's Priss' girlish side coming out. > "Finally it's over!" Ree:(Excitedly) The Fanfic? Elenoin: No luck. >she yelled as I opened my eyes and saw her standing there with >a huge grin across her face. Domino: Look, it's the joker. > "Hm?" I said tiredly. "What's over?" > "We finished recording today. Now hopefully those reporters'll stop >pestering me," Domino: Yeah, that is going to happen. >she sighed, running her hand through her hair. Ree: Huge grin, cheering, and sighing. I don't know what Priss is on, but I'm going to stick to my own dealer. > "I wouldn't count on that anytime soon." Domino: So spaketh the great prophet Yumeko. > "True..." Ree: And the crowds saw that it was true. > I sighed as I remembered the incident with Masahiro earlier in the day. > "What's wrong, Yume?" Mom asked. > "That son of a bitch tried to make a pass at me again." Ree:(Priss Imitation) Who, Leon? Domino:(Yumeko Imitation, whining) No mom, that was your stalker. I have a life of my own you know! > "Masahiro?" She snorted. "Reminds me of a certain guy I know." > I knew she was talking about Leon McNichol. Even though he and >Mom had met over twenty years ago, he was always asking her to go on >a date with him, despite the fact that she refused every time. She'd only 'go >out' with him if she was out of cash, considering she knew that he'd foot the >bill for the meal. But of course, since she went pro, Mom never needed to rely >on Leon to get her meals anymore. It still didn't stop him from trying to ask her out, >though. Elenoin: Is there anything that Priss doesn't tell her kid? Ree: I want to know when she had the time? Between touring and recording I'm surprised they even manage to say hello. > "Doesn't Leon ever take a hint?" I asked. > "Obviously not," she grumbled. "So what happened with Masahiro?" > I told her everything, including the part where I had kneed him, smiling as I did so. > "I shoulda done that to Leon long ago," she smirked. Domino: I think someone does not like Leon. Ree: Nor the ADP, it seems. Elenoin: You know it is a Mary Sue when the new character makes it obvious which canon characters the author hates. >"He was even so desperate at times that he'd ask Nene out. She never did, >of course, the excuse being 'Oh, my mom doesn't like me staying out late.'" >She chuckled at the memory. Ree: I just thought of a new title for this fanfic. How about, 'I hate Leon'. Domino: Short, but to the point. Elenoin: It sounds as if Priss was there, as opposed to remembering what Nene told her. Assuming Nene woul ever tell her. >"Personally, I never did trust guys, knowing all they ever wanted was >to get me in bed." Elenoin: Now we know what Priss was thinking about Dr. Raven. Ree: And Sho! Elenoin: That is so twisted. > "But what about...?" Ree: Keeping close to the canon? Why bother? > "What about what?" > "You said you used to be in a biker gang, didn't you?" Domino: It is not like Priss hasn't told this kid everything else. > "He...he was different," Ree: The author knew nothing about him so could not adequately butcher his character. >she sighed, apparently not wanting to drag up bad memories like this one. >"At...at the time, I needed someone to care for me, someone who'd listen >to me when I had something important to say. Domino: In post quake Tokyo I'm guessing important was, 'Watch you back!' >No one did that in the orphanage, listen to me, I mean. Domino: I hear Priss and Oliver Twist hung out together. Ree: And she and Annie sung duets. >The leader of that gang would listen, though. He was the only person >I knew at the time that really cared about me. But of course, after he was >killed...I didn't have anybody caring about me anymore. And that upset me, >it really did...though at the time, I never would admit it to myself." Ree: Chokes you up. Domino: (Playing sad music on a violin) Elenoin: This dialogue and this scene are so stupid. Ree: And remember, Elenoin is the nice one. > "And that's when you met Sylia, right?" I asked, remembering that she >had told me about this before. Ree:(Priss Imitation) Yes, which was when the magical Sylia came and rescued me from my dreary life on the edge of the dark forest. And since when are you on a first name basis with Sylia? You little brat. > "Yeah. She helped me get over his death and continue with my singing. Ree: Yeah. Right. >Hell, it was that gang leader Elenoin: Notice that he does not have a name. >that helped me land that job at Hot Legs in the first place." She sighed. >"Knowing that, it was hard for me to continue with it at first, but then I >realized that moping and crying wouldn't bring him back, Ree:(Priss Imitation) It was the dark arts that would bring him back. So I went to Egypt to search for the 'Book of the Dead'. Domino: Such magic is unscientific. Steam will bring him back! Steam will save the world! >and I had to move on. So I did." > "Sorry about bringing that up. You always did say you didn't like talking >about those bad times." Domino: Apparently not. Elenoin: And so you asked her about those times, why? Ree: She is obviously evil. > "Hey, it's ok. I guess....I guess I got so caught up in talking about guys >that...." She stopped. "Well, how'd your day go?" Domino:(Yumeko imitation) Well, I've really been annoying the readers. Ree: At least one. > "Well...I got a speeding ticket, Linna wanted me to lead her class for >a while..." > "Doesn't surprise me," Mom interrupted. "After all, you're the daughter of >Queen Speed Demon." Elenoin: Says the woman who does not want to be a Queen. >Both Nene and Linna had called her that on numerous occasions, and she'd >gotten used to being called by that name. Ree: Being called that she got used to being called what she was called. Domino: Redundant. Elenoin: What Priss never told Yumeko was that 'speed' actually referred to her drug of choice. > "So that makes me Princess Speed Demon," I laughed. Domino: Princess Speed Demon Power Make Up! Ree:(Deadly serious) Don't even joke about something like that. > She laughed also. "I suppose it does, doesn't it?" > We were rudely interrupted by a pager beeping. Mom cursed and >looked to see who was paging her. > "Damn, I forgot," she muttered as she started for the door. Ree:(Priss Imitation) Me and the others are tunnelling out. See you when you get out kid. > "Wh...where are you going?" I asked, confused. > "I got an appointment with Sylia and the others. We're supposed to >go to the gym for a while and work out." Ree:(Priss Imitation) Yea, work out. If the screws ask you, we're working out. > "Every week though?" Domino: There are people who work out everyday. I don't see why she is surprised at a once a week work out schedule. > "Yeah, it's a royal pain in the ass, Ree: Much like Yumeko. > but well....it's the only time we really get together anymore." She >reached the door. > "Like I said, you should take a vacation," I pointed out. Ree: It is a good thing that Saint Yumeko is there to tell Priss what to do. Priss would be lost without her. Domino: All hail Saint Yumeko. > "Well, now that I'm done recording for the new CD, I'll have plenty >of vacation to take." Elenoin: Because no one tours after completing a CD. > "You could use it." > Walking out the door, she turned and said, "Yeah, I could. I gotta jet, >Yume. I'll see you later tonight, ok?" Elenoin: Gotta jet? Ree: I want to know why she made it a question? Is Yumeko often not there? Not that I think Priss would complain. > "Ok," I sighed. Domino: Yumeko needs Prozac. > "Bye." She closed the door. > As I walked to my, or should I say OUR, bedroom, Elenoin: Yumeko thinks the place is too small, Priss doesn't like being bothered by reporters, I ask again, why are they there? >I kept thinking the same thing. Domino:(Yumeko Imitation) Just who did shoot the Sherrif? Ree:(Passable Yumeko Imitation) How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a Tootsie pop? >It always seemed like every week, Mom, Nene, Linna, and Sylia would >suddenly disappear and go to the gym for a few hours. Ree: And she never saw them together with the Sailor Senshi. >Sure, I knew it did a person good to go and work out every now and >then, but they did it so often, it was like a ritual. They never skipped >a week or anything, except when Mom was on tour, but even then, >they still went without her. Elenoin: And she knows what Sylia and the others do, how? Domino: I suspect that Priss does leave Yumeko behind when she tours. Has one of her friends take care of her. Ree: Hell of a way to treat a friend. >And another thought hit me: what 'gym' were they going to? Ree: Kid, when they say 'gym', they mean 'strip club'. >Whenever they went to the 'gym', they claimed, I would try and find >out which one, just so I could bring Mom some dinner or something, >but they never were at any of the ones I checked. Just what in hell >is going on with them?, I wondered. Ree: I think she is just mad because there is something in this story that does not revolve around her. (Passable Yumeko imitation) How dare mom have a life outside of me! > Trying to put those thoughts to rest, I searched through a stack >of CDs until I found the one I was looking for: Domino: Alvin and the Chimpmunks sing the hits of Leonard Cohen. >it was entitled Priss and the Replicants: Anata Dake (Only You). Putting it in >the CD player, I selected the song I wanted, and sang along with it as it came >on. And which song? Of course it was Mom's (supposedly) Ree: Supposedly? >most popular song, Konya wa Hurricane, I was singing along to. Elenoin: Whom is she talking to and explaining this stuff to? Domino: She sang along with a song that she was singing along to. (Church Lady Imitation) Could it be, oh, I don't know, REDUNDANT! Ree: I just flashed on something scary. Yumeko joining Priss' band. Domino: Disturbing. > In the distance, as the music played on, I heard a motorcycle roar down >the street. Ree: And yet someone else roars off on a motorcycle. I am so surprised. >* * * * * > I tossed and turned in my bed, trying to find a comfortable position to lay in. Elenoin: But the pee placed under Princess Yumeko's mattress would not allow her to sleep. Domino: Nice one. Ree: I'm torn. I just don't know if I should say something cruel or dirty. >Damn, it was no use. I just couldn't get to sleep. Sure, I had rough nights >every now and then, Ree: Dirty! And Yumeko knew a rough night in bed! >but this time, I don't know if it was the summer heat keeping me awake, Domino: I'd like to introduce you to a little thing called an air conditioner. >or if it was the neighbors blasting their music again. Elenoin: Pardon? You're Priss' daughter, remember? If anyone would be blasting loud music, or could sleep through it, it would be you. > I turned over and looked at Mom's bed. Empty. Dang, she's not home >yet? Domino: She's awake, she lives in a tiny apartment, and yet she does not know if her mother is home yet? What is wrong with this picture? >I thought. Ah, well. She was probably out having a good time with Linna >and the others. Ree:(Chanting) Linna and Priss, sitting in a tree... >But at two in the morning? Elenoin: This is Priss we are speaking of. Coming in at two in the morning is probably an early night for her. >Something didn't seem right. Ree: Characterization? Story? Pacing? >I got out of bed and got dressed, ready to go out looking for her. >Hopefully, I wouldn't find her drunk in one of the many bars around >here, like I'd done more than once. Ree: It is good that Priss has Yumeko to take care of her. It was not as if she HAS BEEN SURVIVING ON HER OWN SINCE 2025! > Sometimes she just partied a little too hard... Ree: As Yumeko's birth probably proves. >but at least she didn't do certain things when she was drunk like Nene >did. I laughed at the thought of catching Nene in one of her drunken >stupors, dancing and stripping down to her birthday suit in front of a large >crowd. Elenoin: Huh? Domino: Mentioned, but never shown, in Crash. Just smile and nod. > I knew of a bar where Mom might be hanging out at which wasn't too >far away, so I decided to walk instead of using my bike. Domino: A nearby bar in Tokyo? Who'd have figured? Ree: Thrill to the exciting walking scene! > Easier to drag her home this way, I thought. Ree: Priss is a bad mother. Yumeko is a saint. Just thought we should pound this home so we can all marvel at Yumeko's perfection. >After making a few shortcuts, which included cutting through some >less-than-safe alleys and streets, I realized something didn't seem quite >right... Domino: Most of the readers realised this when the story started. > I looked around, trying to find out why I felt so uneasy all of a sudden. >I couldn't see much in the dim light of the alley, but I was sure no one had >been following me, nor could I see anyone hiding behind a dumpster, >possibly planning to ambush me. I sighed and walked on. Elenoin: On the plus side, she doesn't have danger sense. > I was almost out of the alley when I heard footsteps behind me and >spun around. Before me stood a tall, black-haired woman dressed in a >long red coat. She said nothing, but just stood there, no emotion in her face. Ree: Please let it be Bloody Valentine. Elenoin: You Slay me. > "Who are you?" I demanded. Domino: Fanfic police. We have reports of an Author Avatar in the area. > The mysterious woman just stood there, grinning. Domino: If she was grinning, which suggests that she had been grinning before, then she did have some emotion showing, contrary to what we were told earlier. This fic can't even stay consistent sentence to sentence. > "Have you been following me?" I asked, getting a little nervous at the >way she was staring at me. Suddenly, she started walking towards me, still >grinning and saying nothing. Domino: As she did not say anything, I think it is obvious that she is still saying nothing. >I backed away, startled when I stumbled over a can. > The woman continued to advance. > "Hey...wha...what the hell do you want?" I said, my voice shaky. Elenoin: Reads like a bad slasher flick. Ree:(Happily) Do you think... Elenoin: No. > I got my answer. The woman held up her hand, and suddenly her nails >grew to be five inches long, and glowing. Ree:(Looking at her hands) That reminds me, I need to get a manicure. Elenoin: Five inches? That's about twelve point seven centimetres. (Brings out a ruler) Not the most impressive set of claws. Domino: It is not the size of your claws, but what you do with them. >A Boomer!! I screamed in my head. Ree: Nice echo. >No way!!! This can't be happening!! Elenoin: Well, this is MegaTokyo, and a BGC fic; a Boomer attack was inevitable. Ree: Two million yen says she takes the Boomer down. Elenoin: What? Ree: Two million yen says Princess Yumeko takes the Boomer down. Elenoin: It is not going to happen. Ree: So that's a bet? Elenoin: Fine. Domino: I want in on that as well. Ree: Come on Princess Yumeko; help me part these fools from their money. > The woman lunged at me and picked me up by my shirt, Domino: Did she use the hand with the claws? >catching me off guard. I struggled to get free of her, but her iron grip held >me fast. I punched her in the face in an effort to get away, but only ended >up with a sore fist as I remembered that she wasn't exactly made of the same >stuff people are. Elenoin: There was no carbon in the Boomer at all? > Oh God, this is it, I thought as the Boomer raised her claws, ready to impale >me. What a way to go! Getting stabbed by a goddamn Boomer!! Ree: Come on you Author Avatar! Take that Boomer out! Manifest psychic powers or something! I need a new car! > Just when I thought I was having my last moments on earth, a shot rang >out. Elenoin: For it was a dark and stormy night, and there was a scream. >The Boomer's head exploded simultaneously as she dropped me. Domino: Maybe someone downloaded bad Fic into it? I hear things like that make Tom Servo's head explode. Or maybe it was just that sentence. Elenoin: I think you owe Domino and I two million yen, each. Ree: Damn Author Avatars! You can't trust them. >Her head was hit with several more shots as she fell to the ground, >dead. Domino: Her head which has just exploded? Ree: Yeah! Keep shooting in the general direction of Yumeko. One of those bullets is bound to hit her. Elenoin: It isn't going to happen. You should have bet she was going to be saved in an impossible manner. That she is not hit by a stray shot, or a bullet that blows through the Boomer, is, basically, impossible. >My heart still racing, I stood up and stared at the Boomer's headless body. >Then I looked up and saw Mom standing there, a smoking gun in hand, Domino: A good lawyer could still clear her. >a stone-cold expression on her face. Ree:(Priss Imitation) How could I have not hit her? > "Wha...wha...Mom?" I said dumbfoundedly. I couldn't believe it!! My own >mom had shot a Boomer dead and not even blinked!! Domino: She might have blinked. That is kind of easy to miss in a dark alley, illuminated by gunfire. Elenoin: One wonders how soon the police will be here? Domino: I think it is safe to say that all police are idiots in this fic. > She looked down at the Boomer, mumbling to herself, "What the hell is a >Combat Boomer doing out here? Domino:(Looking around) What combat Boomer? Ree:(Looking through a copy of 'Jane's Pocket Book of Boomers') That was actually a light, endoskeleton, security Boomer. Often used for bodyguard duties. Unless one is deaf and blind, it is difficult to mistake a combat Boomer for a human, seeing as THEY ARE HUGE AND CARRY GUNS THAT WOULD LOOK BETTER ON A TANK TURRET! Elenoin: I would have thought Priss would have known that... Oh, yes, that's right, an AA. > I thought they weren't being produced anymore..." She saw me and rushed over >to my side. "Yume, you ok?" Ree: What, she did not know Yumeko was there? Elenoin: Increasing the chances that the girl would and should have caught a stray round. > "Uh...y-yeah...." I said, still trembling all over. "How'd you do that?" Ree:(Priss Imitation) What? Rush over to your side? I moved my feet like this, you see... > "Do what?" she asked. "Oh, kill that Boomer, you mean? Well, I've done >that more than once before. Of course, I didn't think I'd have to do it again >so soon..." > "You could've gotten killed saving me from that thing!" > "You have any idea how many times I've been told that?" Domino: Let's see. Priss killed her Boomers while wearing a hardsuit. It seems unlikely that someone would have come up to a Knight Sabre and said, 'You could have gotten killed saving me from that thing,' so, I would guess that has been said to her, now, once. >she smirked. "And besides, what are you doing out here at this time of >night?" Ree:(Passable Yumeko Imitation) Well, my allowance is not enough to get by, so I come out at night to... Elenoin:(Puts a hand over Ree's mouth) Yes, yes, we get it. > "Looking for you." > "You didn't need to do that. I was just on my way home when I heard >you screaming and well..." Ree:(Priss Imitation) I was about to walk away, but then I remembered I needed to ask you where the remote was. Domino:(Torg Imitation) The TV remote? I think I left it on the kitchen counter. Why? Ree:(Bunbun Imitation) Oh. Well, catch you later, nerd-girl. Elenoin: Worship the comic. > Suddenly a thought struck me. Ree: Yay! Elenoin: That was 'thought' not 'truck'. Ree: Boo! >She had killed Boomers before? But...but how? She couldn't possibly >have done that before unless...unless she had been in the AD Police, >or unless she had... I gasped. Elenoin: I don't know what is more annoying. The fact that this is being so badly telegraphed, or the thought that no one else could take down Boomers other than the Knight Sabers? > "What's wrong, Yume?" she asked. > "You...said you'd killed Boomers before, right?" Ree:(Priss Imitation) So you know now? Well, it looks like I'm just going to have to kill you as well. Elenoin: Why didn't anyone ever do that to Miss Marple? > "Yeah." > "But the only way you coulda done that was if you were in the ADP, >and you said you hated the ADP, so that means..." I stopped. Domino: Get on with it! > Mom sighed, as if she'd been expecting something like this to come up. >She just stood there, looking at me, and then made the most astonishing >revelation I was to hear from her yet. Ree:(Priss Imitation) Well poopy pants, mommy is what is called hermaphrodite. Domino: It would be startling. I hope she doesn't sleep with cats, however. > "You're right. No ordinary citizen could just take out a Boomer, especially >a Combat Boomer, Domino: Which that wasn't. >just like that. Elenioin: Unless they had a pistol like the one she used. >No, I wasn't in the ADP...not like they could take out Boomers easily >anyway. Ree: The ADP being badmouthed? I'm so surprised. > But I was part of another group, a group that could handle them more >easily than the ADP ever could." Elenoin: Gemon tech support! > I held my breath, about to hear what I thought I'd never hear from her. Ree: Come on Priss. Leave her waiting. It will be funny to watch her turn blue and pass out. > "Yume...I was Elenoin:(Bad Priss Imitation) Batman. >a member of Domino:(Priss Imitation) The Spice Girls. I'm so ashamed. >the Knight Sabers." Ree: And so she is on her way to her own hardsuit. If only someone had taken my bet. (Scene: The screen flickers, but instead of returning to the dogs playing poker, it displays the word, 'Intermission'.) Ree: What? Domino: Looks like they are giving us a break before continuing. (She gets to her feet) Elenoin: Nice of them. (She stands) Should we cushion our systems with some alcoholic beverages? Ree: Sounds like a plan to me. (Jumps up from the couch) Domino: I hope there is a syringe and a bottle of animal tranquilizer behind the bar. Ree: You are not a cheap drunk. "We're here is the engineering section of the Starship Enterprise where we have replaced the fine dilithium crystals they usually use the Folgers crystals. Let's see what happens." Shawn Hagen