[Tunnel sequence in reverse. CROW is dressed in some rather natty looking armor; some of the "plates" in the armor are actually waffles. He's standing next to a swimming pool. The sun is shining, the water is glistening...it's a perfect day. Also enjoying the weather, and basking every bit as much in CROW's attention, are CELIA, LINNA, and NENE. They're wearing little armored bikinis and adoring looks on their faces as they lounge halfway-out of the pool at CROW's feet.] CROW: -- and then I said, "Sorry, baby, my guidance systems are shot!" [CROW forces a laugh; the women giggle in an annoying fashion.] LINNA [completely vacuous voice, as all the women have]: Oh, Takei, you're so powerful! NENE: And witty, and gorgeous! CELIA: Tell us about how your suit is self-repairing again, while we fight for the privilege of kissing your feet! NENE: It's the only fighting we're good for in this fic! CROW: Well, okay, but just *one* more time, girls...okay? CELIA, LINNA, NENE [enthusiastically]: Okay! [TOM and MIKE walk in, dressed absolutely normally.] TOM: What in the name of Russ Meyer is going on here? MIKE [uncomfortably]: Um, gee, Crow, I hate to interrupt you, but the HoloCabana is taking up way too much power -- CROW: What do you mean, "way too much power"? [GYPSY sticks her head in.] GYPSY: Like, all of it! We're completely stopped! [Cut to the exterior of the Satellite of Love. It has no running lights on and is absolutely motionless. An astronaut floats into view, pedalling a bicycle. He slowly pedals past.] [Cut back to the HoloCabana. TOM is looking out a porthole at the bicyclist, and begins humming the "Miss Gulch" theme from the _Wizard of Oz_.] TOM [singing]: Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, dooo! Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, dooo! MIKE: Hey, Crow, aren't there four Knight Sabres? CROW: Yeah, but I didn't include Priss. I overlooked her, just like in the fanfic. I mean she's...well, you know what I mean... MIKE: No, Crow, what? CROW: She's...she's got... TOM: A personality. CROW: No! She's got...um...Sylvie. MIKE: Sylvie? You mean -- oh, Crow! Don't tell me you're buying into that fanboy theory that she's a les- CROW: No, Mike, don't --! [CELIA, LINNA, and NENE all begin squealing like Minmei.] CROW: No, it's okay, girls, it's okay... MIKE: What? CROW: They can't hear the word -- well, you know! It happened when I programmed out Priss... MIKE: ...and programmed them to do this? CROW: Well, er...hey, even Bill Gates had his 640K! Sometimes you've gotta take the bad with the good when programming! CELIA [still fawning at CROW's feet, in an absurdly sexy way]: Oooooh, Takei, I just looooove your...your...waffles! TOM [looks at CROW suddenly]: Hey, you're reusing parts off that Willie the Waffle costume! CROW [muttering]: ...thought I'd programmed that out... GYPSY: Well, I know how to program it out! [shuts down HoloCabana; the familiar grid pattern appears] CROW [panicky, then annoyed as he watches NENE, CELIA, and LINNA disappear] Hey, wait, don't! Celia, Linna -- aw, Gypsy, what'd you do that for! GYPSY: Because I'm not going to get out and push! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a ship to run! [as she walks off] I am Janeway, hear me roar! TOM: So how did this sordid little scenario manage to suck up all the available power on the ship? CROW: I wrote it in Windows 98. TOM: Ah. Surprised we didn't drain passing ships, too. CROW: Bite me. [Fanfic sign.] ALL: Oh, no! FANFIC SI-I-IGN!! [Tunnel sequence, ending in --] Bubblegum Crisis OAV #2, Born to Kill TOM: "Double-O-A-V-2...*is* Born to Kill!" by Mike Franklin Takei Orochi TOM: "Mike Franklin...*is* Takei Orochi!" MIKE: Yeah, we knew that. CROW [British accent]: "My name is Franklin...*Mike* Franklin! I write fanfics...*bad* fanfics!" -------------------------------------------------------- "The area 44-3 GENOM laboratory in District Six had a reported explosion last night. TOM: "It had an UNreported explosion, too, but we, um, didn't get a report on that..." No leads onto the source of the accident, but GENOM chairman Quincy reports a laboratory malfunction." MIKE [as Quincy]: "Those lab techs responsible are now employed as reactor shielding." Takei snapped off the television before they went into an interview with Mr. Quincy. TOM: "Take *that*, Oprah!" He buckled his belt, fastening his jeans up at his waist. TOM: Zzzzzzip! CROW: "AAAAAAIIIGGHH!!" MIKE: You guys are just cruel. He heard a timid knock at his door. "Come in," he replied to the signal. Sylia walked in, but looked away for a minute. "Sorry," she apologized. "I didn't know you weren't finished dressing." CROW [high-pitched]: "I'm not lusting after you because you're the self-insertion character, really!" "It's alright," Takei said. MIKE [as Takei]: "I didn't know you weren't finished getting dressed, either!" "I've got to call in a report to the USSD for our last job. It also seems they have another." "What about?" "They think GENOM is working on some kind of Super Boomer. TOM: "S'posed t' be good for you." They want it destroyed." Takei nodded and Sylia turned to go. She stopped in front of the door and swung around to look at him again. "May I ask, what happened to your shoulder?" She pointed to a long scar across his left shoulder. CROW: "Cut myself shaving." "Motorcycle accident," he said quickly. She nodded and left, closing the door behind her. Hearing her leave, Takei went to his desk and pulled out a vinyl packet as well as a small battery charger. [MIKE reaches over and holds CROW's beak shut.] CROW: Mmmmmmmph!! Opening the bundle and plugging the charger into the wall, he produced a tiny razor from the case. Without reluctance, he cut his left shoulder with the sharp metal. TOM: Okay, was this scene from _T1_ or _T2_? CROW: You mean "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots"? Continuing the cut, he sliced a small flap of flesh loose from his arm. Pulling it back, he revealed a chrome plated socket inset within the now slightly bleeding hole. MIKE: It activates his Kung Fu grip! TOM: Wanna bet he's got a wind-up key in case he can't get to his car's cigarette lighter? MIKE: I wonder if he's AC or DC? CROW [quickly]: I don't wanna know! Sliding a wire from the charger, he attached it to the socket and sat back as the machine fed its energy into his arm. CROW [Crazed Italian accent]: "Bigbooty! Install-a my Overthruster!" Takei walked out into the meeting room and saw Priss enter as well. TOM: I'm gonna laugh when he finds out he's still wired to his desk. Sylia sat at her computer, so Priss wouldn't openly curse Takei. MIKE [as SYLIA]: "Now, Priss, be good, or no crunchy treats!" "GENOM is up to no good," Priss said, holding her hand in pain. TOM: No-o-o! Really? Linna came up behind her and followed her to a seat. They both sat down and Linna began bandaging her friend's hand. CROW [high-pitched voice]: "Oh, Doctor, will I play 'Konya Wa Hurricane' again?" "When has GENOM been up to any good?" "We all know that they're up to something, and probably have moved it because of that laboratory explosion," Sylia stated. MIKE: Moved it about thirty feet up in the air, that is. "The AD Police records of investigation showed that a van was leaving the laboratory from a normally unused route," Nene reported. "And there's only 4 labs in the area of the explosion." Mackie said. "2 were closed down and the other resumed activity since the explosion." CROW [British accent]: "Let's see...two closed down and one resumed activity, that's four..." TOM [British accent]: "Three, sir!" CROW [British accent]: "--er, three..." Takei smirked. "Let me guess. The truck went straight to it?" CROW: Straight to what? MIKE: No, straight *through* it. It's Buckaroo Banzai's truck. Mackie nodded. "Then let's go," Sylia said. Takei pulled his helmet onto his knee CROW: -- and his boots over his ears. TOM [singing]: "Oh, I come from Mega-Tokyo, with a helmet on my knee..." and leaned into the back of the van. "Ready to roll, ladies?" MIKE: Ready to be patronized, ladies? "Get bent, Takei," Priss said, straddling her motorcycle in her deep blue armor. "And Priss?" he completed. CROW [as PRISS]: "You wear your helmet on your knee, and *you're* dissing *me?*" She tried to flip him the bird, CROW: CLANK! but was hard because of her armored hand. TOM [whispering excitedly]: "Yes, yes!...Wear the armor...!" CROW: Now, wait, that is anatomically -- mmmmmph! [MIKE grabs CROW's beak again.] "S'okay Priss. I get it." TOM: Not often, you don't. CROW: MMMMMMPPHH!! MIKE [still holding onto CROW, scolding TOM]: Tom, do I have to put you in time out? He went to the front of the van and sat next to Mackie. "Let's go, Mackie." "Coming up on the lab now," Mackie said. TOM: Either Mackie drives quick, or that lab was across the street. Priss and Linna moved to their bikes as Sylia, Takei and Nene scaled the ladder leading to the top of the van. Pincers placed the motorbikes onto the pavement beside the van MIKE: -- and put the training wheels on -- and Sylia looked towards the oncoming building. TOM: There's a building coming at them?! "Knight Sabers! Sanjo!" TOM: Banjo! MIKE: Cujo! CROW: Cornjob! The trio atop the van flared their jet packs and flew towards one of the open windows. MIKE: "No, the *open* --" TOM & CROW: CRRAASSSSHH!! They set down inside the structure and searched quickly. Takei shrugged, keeping his cannon arm trained and ready. "Looks okay to..." Suddenly, a blast hit him, sending him sailing back into a railing. [ALL applaud loudly.] A female Boomer lowered her gun. CROW: Seven of Nine does not approve of self-insertion! Nene squealed and shot her own suit gun at another android who had appeared. It blasted back, knocking her over. MIKE: So, her own suit gun blasted back, huh? TOM: As usual, Nene's about as useful as a Congressional ethics panel. Sylia fired with her palm blaster, blowing pieces of the Boomer onto the floor. Takei pulled himself free of the twisted railing and let shots loose at his assailant, blowing of her head. TOM: Of her *what*? CROW: Mike, should we be reading this? When Linna and Priss returned, they all surveyed the situation. "Not too smart," Takei commented. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Bronson, dialogue coach! "Where's the Super Boomer?" Linna asked. There was a loud explosion as a huge red Boomer smashed through a door, prepared for combat. CROW [New York accent]: "Somebody call for me?" It opened up its mouth, and fired from a laser emplacement within its maw. MIKE: Wow, dentistry is vicious in Mega-Tokyo! "Look out!" Takei exclaimed, jumping in between Sylia and the blast aimed at her. The hot energy hit him in the shoulder, exploding the metal of his armor. TOM: -- but leaving the little plastic and papier-mache bits intact. His arm clattered to the floor, clearly separating from the rest of his body. Takei fell to one knee, holding his shoulder. A steady flow of oil dripped from the torn stump. CROW [Darth Vader voice]: "I *am* your father!" "Takei!" Sylia shouted, witnessing his wound. CROW: Yeah, give him a hand, Sylia! TOM & MIKE: Crow! CROW [contrite]: Oh, darn! That was me, I said it! She fired at the beast's head blowing armor away, then Priss shot a pin dart through its head. MIKE: Ammunition courtesy of Jo-Ann Fabrics. It fell forward, dead in its own way. TOM [mincing]: Just its own *special* way of being dead! Has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi, don't you think...? Takei got up slowly, retrieving his arm. He looked at the circuitry, but dropped it, deciding that it was unsalvageable. CROW [British accent]: "It's only a flesh wound!" TOM: Quick! Rush him to the Radio Shack! Priss spoke first, fire in her voice. MIKE: She's been eating chili dogs. "I knew there was something about you. You're a freakin' Boomer!" Takei shot a glance towards her. "What? No! I'm not a Boomer!" CROW [British accent]: "But you are *dressed* as one!" MIKE: Getting a lot of mileage out of _Holy Grail_, aren't we? TOM: That should tell you something, Mike. CROW: Should tell Franklin something, too, but he keeps writing. MIKE: Maybe he'll throw in a Boomer that says "Ni!" Takei looked down and shook his head. TOM: -- which promptly unscrewed and fell off, landing next to his arm. "I knew it'd come out sooner or later. When I was in that explosion that killed my family, I didn't come out unhurt. CROW: If you're talking about the brain damage, we can tell. TOM [baby talk voice]: "My pinky got boo-boo." My natural arm was lost. I thought it would have been the end of my career in racing. MIKE: He races by walking on his hands? Then I saw a broken combat Boomer. Arm all polished, but no use for it anymore. I cut it off and used it for my own. TOM: So if he cuts it off, he can use it, but if it's shot off, he can't... CROW: ...and of course, he's nine feet tall, so the arm isn't oversized for him at all... TOM: ...and Boomers are given a buff-and-wax before leaving the factory... TOM & CROW: MIKE, MAKE IT STOP!! MIKE: There, there... You should be glad to meet the first successful synthesis between combat Boomer parts and a human." CROW: May as well be. You've been licking his boots since he showed up! TOM: Yeah, the first since _AD Police Files_, which apparently you didn't rent, Franklin! Takei walked over to the "slain" Boomer on the floor. Swinging forth his cutting blade, he sliced off the left arm and shoulder. TOM: -- then he cut off the other limbs, and made it into a Pez dispenser! Sighing longingly, he hefted it against his shoulder and walked away. MIKE: Um, longing for what? CROW: I *still* don't wanna know. Takei was alone in his room for some time. Sylia knocked and came in. "Need any help?" she asked. [MIKE quickly grabs CROW's beak again.] CROW: MMMMMMPPH!! TOM: I want a crunchy RAM-chip for *not* making a comment on that one. He looked over at her from his work table. "I could use a bit more room." TOM: I want *two* crunchy RAM-chips. "Then why don't you come out to the living room?" TOM: I want *THREE* crunchy RAM-chips, and a subscription to _Playbot_!! MIKE: Okay, okay! CROW: MMMMMMMMMMPPPHH!! Takei nodded, assembled his belongings and left with her. They arrived in front of Nene, Linna and Mackie. Priss seemingly went home. MIKE: -- but she was *really* at her agent's, trying to get out of this fanfic before the next "worship-at-Takei's-boots" scene. The trio stared at the red chrome arm partially attached to Takei's shoulder. It was in a sling. He sat at the broad main table TOM: Or the main table of broads, as the case may be... and Sylia sat next to him. CROW: -- as far away as her leash would let her. He began to poke at the exposed joint with a pair of pliers. [TOM makes a "zzzt!" sound with every poke.] Mackie got up and sat at his other side. "Does your arm give you more strength?" CROW: Mackie should be used to having one arm stronger than the other. MIKE: Oh, that was uncalled for! Takei nodded. "Yeah, but the strength it gives me wouldn't compare to the satisfaction of having my real arm." He pushed another wire and circuit into place and the arm jumped to life. Takei smiled. He clenched his new hand and pumped his new bicep. MIKE: Yeah, you're really broken up over it, I can tell. "Amazing," Sylia said. "But what about appearance?" CROW: Pretty awful. Oh, wait, you mean the arm? "I have a synthetic skin spray and synthetic blood spray that real Boomers use for disguise. TOM: So it'll match his personality. When in contact with the chemical, it'll shrink to size." CROW: ...ah...no, too easy. Sylia and Mackie both nodded. "Your father gave me my new arm. Never hate him for giving birth to the Boomer. CROW: Ow, that must really have *hurt!* MIKE: I could've done without that visual, Crow! It has helped in more ways than one." The End [ALL get up to leave.] TOM: It helped by ending this fanfic. CROW: "This concludes 'Our Friends, the Boomers!' Our next educational film will be 'Duck and Cover!'" [Tunnel sequence in reverse. ALL stand in the Control Room of the SOL once again, looking somewhat worse for the experience.] TOM: Hoo boy. CROW: Stink-a-reeno. MIKE: Well, we survived, anyway...I suppose Pearl and the boys will be disappointed. [Cut to the Minivan. JACK PERKINS is in an airlock -- well, okay, it's the sliding side door -- with BOBO standing next to him, ready to eject. PEARL and the OBSERVER both have taken out a few bills and are about to plunk them down between each other.] OBSERVER: ...nine, ten simoleans! PEARL: You're on. [counts cash] JACK [*still* smiling]: I think this is wonderful! A bright, shining atmospheric re-entry! Just the sort of quality entertainment you deserve, right here on -- YAAAAAAA!! [JACK's cries fade as BOBO opens the door and pushes him out. ALL who remain head over to the window to watch him tumble. After a few seconds, there's a brief flash from where they're looking. BOBO clicks a palmed stopwatch.] BOBO: Six seconds. OBSERVER: Ha-haa! He lasted for six! I win! I -- PEARL [obviously miffed]: Okay, Bobo. He's next. Reset the watch. OBSERVER: ...er, I mean, *you* win...Lawgiver... [PEARL snatches the cash and cackles maniacally.] [FADE OUT.] Stinger: When I tried it on, the building exploded. _____________________ Steve "Scooter" Kramer == scooter@universe.digex.net | __/^\__ ,-^,|-------http://www.universe.digex.net/~scooter/------- |/~ \_ { / |-----http://www.kalevala.demon.co.uk/portcolice/----- \/\ |! |===================================================== The Grey Cup / / ) |___ "Let my glory be that I had such shall RETURN (_ \ \ / friends as these." to Baltimore! ~v^ ?_,-' -- W.B. Yeats