Mystery Science Theater 3001 show 104, reel 1: "Keiichi's Bloody Sunday" (An Ah! Megami-Sama Fanfic) MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison == Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. Ah! Megami-Sama is the property of Kosuke Fujishima and all the distributors of his work. "Keiichi's Bloody Sunday" is the property of dnab and used in lieu of receiving a response to permission. If you are reading this, dnab, and would want me to withdraw this work from online circulation, I shall comply immediately. However, I prefer to think of it as some (very) late C&C, and not to be taken offensively. All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their respective owners and creators. == This fic contains mature content. If you would not like to be subjected to such things and your monitor will freeze completely and your parents will find the words unalterably printed on it for the rest of time... then please move on. The Internet's big, and I bet there's more to explore! == -Satellite of Love- *HONK, HONK* "Hey Tom, how's about my pastrami and cheese for your cupcake?" Mike was doing his best to avoid the orange barrels scattered hap- hazardly throughout the Satellite of Love's bridge area. He spotted the two robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, lounging at the side of the console and comparing sandwiches. "You know I hate mayonnaise on my sandwiches, Crow. No deal." Mike rolled his eyes and looked at the robots. "Mind enlightening me as to the situation of the SOL?" Crow responded, "The left lane of Jeffries Tube I-87 is closed until further notice, and construction on our visitor's booth on the side of Queen's Transport 401 will limit traffic for the next three days." "And this means...?" Mike left hanging in the air. "Calm down, Nelson. It just means that you'll need to get up a half- hour earlier for your morning commute!" Tom informed. Mike paused for a second to look at the blinkers on top of the barrels. "Hey guys, what happened to Joel anyway?" "He's either negotiating our union contract for more breaktime... or lounging in his room." "I'll opt for the latter, Tom," Mike sighed. Abruptly, the red light on the console started flashing. Just as quickly, the robots dropped their lunches and tried to pick up a pair of jackhammers, but they were only able to switch them on. The resulting racket covered up even the piped-in honking. "TURN THOSE OFF, GUYS! THE MADS ARE CALLING!" "UNION CONTRACT, MIKE! WE NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK!!" Mike threw up his hands in frustration as a sleepier-than-normal Joel entered the bridge area. Joel surveyed the situation and activated the commlink to the Mads. -Deep Thirteen- "HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW INVENTION, PIGS OF NEW GUINEA?" Dr. Forrester yelled into the microphone pickup. Frank was in the background, tinkering on a blinker for another orange barrel. "I CAN'T EVEN HEAR HIM, CAN YOU?!" "NO, LET ME TURN ON THE CLOSED CAPTIONING. OKAY DR. F, YOU WERE SAYING?!" Dr. F cleared his throat and spoke, "How do you like my latest and greatest invention?" "I DIDN'T KNOW SCI-FI CHANNEL HAD CLOSED CAPTIONING," Mike yelled "IT'S JUST A FANFIC, YOU SHOULD REALLY JUST RELAX!" The man in green let out a huge breath, and commanded himself to calm down. After all, his evil inventions weren't supposed to get the best of him, and frustrated people were supposed to be a good sign. "I SAID, how do you like my new invention, roadies?" "OH. WHAT INVENTION, DR. F?" Mike yelled "Why, these all-new orange construction barrels! They're perfect for keeping humanity frustrated and in their cars for eternity! Even Presidental cavalcades and emergency vehicles will have to bow before my superiority!" "WHAT'S THE CATCH, DR. F? THERE'S ALREADY TONS OF THOSE THINGS ON EARTH," Joel responded as the jackhammers proceeded in the background. Dr. F sneered. "These little things? They're robotic! I have an army of these orange barrels, ready to do my bidding!" Frank stood up from his station and stretched his arms to the sky. "Hey Allen. I'm completely tired of tweaking all of these barrel AIs. Mind if I take a break and get some ice cream?" All of a sudden, the SOL shuddered. Three thousand barrels, as if they were one, all emitted a series of beeps that sounded suspiciously like, "Ice cream?" Suddenly, the SOL lurched once more, throwing the bots away from their jackhammers as all of the visible barrels stood and started to walk. "ICE CREAM. ICE CREAM." Dr. F surveyed Deep Thirteen and saw an identical situation. The stockpile of barrels stood and followed Frank to the kitchen, ostensibly to partake in the same frozen treat. Dr. F hit himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand and exclaimed, "Aw, crap... Frank, did you install YOUR intelligence in these things?" "I didn't have anything else to work with! And don't forget, we need some more Rocky Road. I'm really not that crazy about this Key Lime and Kiwi." Dr. F reddened. And reddened further. And started looking like a green-clad fire hydrant. "FRANK... that's MY ICE CREAM!!" He refaced the screen to see Mike and Joel beating off a series of the barrels with the 'bot's jackhammers. "You'd better have your invention ready by the time I get back, Martin and Rossi!" -Satellite of Love- "How about we... blast the hatch? Release them into space!" Mike yelled as the barrels advanced upon their position. "If that's the plan, grab a bot and hold on!" Joel called back. He reached for the closest available bot, Tom Servo, and threw him over to Mike. After seeing him safely caught, he grabbed Crow by the orange construction vest and reached for the blast controls. With an audible whoosh, all of the barrels sent by Dr. F were pulled to the vacuum of space. After the hatch was reclosed, Mike fell directly on the floor while Joel dizzily grabbed onto the desk with one hand. "Remind me to disconnect my arrow signs as soon as we're done here, okay Tom?" Crow asked. Joel shook his head and smiled. "In the meantime fetch the invention, Crow. And hurry." "I'll do my best Roger Bannister impression, Joel. Whee, lookit me go," the gold robot shot back sarcastically while he moved off of the screen. Dr. Forrester stepped in front of the camera again, trying to clean up some ice cream from his forehead with a green handkerchief. Crow arrived with a small black box topped by an antenna. "For your listening pleasure, Marcus Welby... the Mood Radio!" Dr. Forrester chuckled and intoned, "Another nature sounds box? That's old news, guys." "This is no nature sounds box, Dr. F. We took the technology behind mood rings and adapted it to the wide world of consumer electronics!" Mike smiled as he gave his sales pitch. "You wear this mood ring for five minutes so that it'll display color. The ring is connected to this unit with a bit of speaker wire. It runs to the radio itself, which is a converted mp3 player. The radio senses which color the ring is, and tries to respond with the correct type of music for whatever mood you're in. We have country music for those who are depressed, classical for impatience, rap for neutral moods, and pop music for those who want to stay happy." "Clayton! We're also out of Maraschino cherries!" the SOLites heard from the audio pickup. Dr. Forrester grimaced. "Damn that assistant of mine. We can never have good food in this deep dark secret laboratory!" One cleared throat later, Dr. Forrester faced the camera again. "Before you even get the slightest idea I've forgotten about you, I'd like to introduce you to the pain that is 'Keiichi's Bloody Sunday'. It's meant to be a doujinshi, but I bet you'll notice that from the first few paragraphs anyway. And don't even think of taking that radio into the theater with you." A half-beat of silence followed... then Dr. F bellowed, "FRANK! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THAT KITCHEN RIGHT NOW, THERE'LL BE NO 'GUNDAM WING' WATCHING THIS AFTERNOON!" "No! Don't take away my Heero!" "THEN SEND THEM THE FIC! AND QUIT WASTING THE CHOCOLATE SAUCE!" Tom surveyed the room as much as a 'bot without eyes could. "So much for the failure of his constructicons." "Never underestimate the power of a good bowl of ice cream, Tom," Mike stated sagely. "Wait for it..." Joel hazarded. The lights started flashing crazily and the Satellite shuddered for the fourth time in ten minutes. "WE HAVE FIC SIGN!" Mike called. (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate) (Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the bottom) (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.) (Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually) (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well) (Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia) (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you inside) >"Keiichi's Bloody Sunday" Tom: Ooh! Ooh! I get to be Bono! Mike: But you can't carry a white flag! > an Ah! My Goddess parody Crow: So, is this a parody of a parody then? Mike: Oh, great... leave it to the Mads to try to paradox us in the first two lines. > original creator Fujishima Kousuke > written/hacked by dnab Joel : "And Dnab was hacked under the basket, the 'Zags are in the one and one bonus." >[Skuld approaches sleeping Keiichi with a 10 dimensional megaphone.] Tom: Well, there's length, depth, height... Mike: Also time... Joel: How about sight and sound? Tom: Six down, anyone else? Crow: I've heard that Hostess Twinkies are the key to surviving Armaggeddon. Joel: That adds a whole new dimension, Crow. >Skuld: Goood morning!! Mike: ...VIETNAM! >Keiichi: Wuuuaah!! Oh, Skuld, it's you. You're up early. Isn't >today Sunday? Crow : "Whatever gave you that idea?" Joel : "Well, I just saw Urd go to church, and..." Tom: First deliciously ironic moment, brought to you by Catholicism! For the best of two thousand years! >Skuld: You don't remember what today is? It's a very important >day. Crow: Whacking Day? Tom: Guy Fawkes Day? >Keiichi: Eh? ..... let's see. Bell's arrival anniversary isn't >until next month, and we just celebrated Urd's. Joel: And would that be why Keiichi was sleeping it off? >Birthdays....mmm... Megumi's isn't until Christmas time..... >Zzzzzz.... Mike : "Silly! Don't stick your hand in the light socket!" Tom : *koff koff* "Well, how else am I supposed to wake up?" >Skuld: You're such a sweet person. >[Bending down to kiss Keiichi on the lips, then suddenly looks >upward.] Joel : "Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird?" Tom : "Is it a plane?" Crow: No guys, false alarm... it's just a hole in the hull. Mike & Joel: WHAT?! Crow: Kidding, kidding! Don't jump down my throat... >Skuld: Ah, ONe-sama! Joel: "Massa One! Massa One! You've come back!" >[Belldandy standing in front of the doorway. Her expression is that >of a mixed concern, love, and a little apprehension. She holds a >breakfast tray.] Crow : "Skuld, remember that stray cat that you've been feeding?" Mike : "Yeah... what about it?" Crow : "Well, ah... err, it died and I decided to recycle. Hope there's no hard feelings!" Mike : "Scabby! No!" >Belldandy: Did you tell him? Tom : "No, I thought you wanted to force him to play Charades." >Skuld: Well, no... he fell back asleep.... aahh... that wasn't >anything.... I... I'll be going to make the present for Keiichi-san. > >[Skuld jumps into the tea cup.] Joel : "CAFFEINE! I NEED MY CAFFEINE!!" Tom: Eh, the amazing Gonzo did it better. >Belldandy: Keiichi-san. Why is there so few of you to go around? Mike: Well, you're a goddess Belldandy... why don't you make more? Joel: It's not like they can't, just attempt to count all the Urds in "Mini-Goddess"! >[Keiichi tosses and turns... as if he's having a bad dream. Mike : "AAAHH!! NOT THERE, URD!!" Tom : "No, I refuse to be a Sailor Starlight! You can't make me!" >Belldandy claps her hands, and began to sing a prayer spell.] Crow: So, roughly like a Gregorian Chant? Mike, Joel [chanting]: Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena... > Joel: Ven-tura, ven-tura, space-a people.... Tom : "Mungo like candy!" Crow: No, it says "mombo jombo", not "Jumbo Mungo". >[Belldandy, exhausted from the ritual, also dozes off.] Crow: Therefore, this shrine is beginning to resemble Jonestown the morning after. Tom: Dammit, the production crew rented a bulldozer and they're GOING to use it! Joel: To her, it's some kind of ritual.... >[Urd emerges from Keiichi's computer screen. Tom : "Well, well... look who's been hitting the hentai sites lately!" >She looks around, checks to make sure Belldandy is asleep, the sneaks >to Keiichi's bedside. Mike : "Quiet feet... sneaky feet... ninja feet!" Joel: I didn't know Urd doubled as a night watchman. Crow : "Wake up, Keiichi! You forgot to sign in!" >She holds a pill in her right hand, and with her left she pops >Keiichi's jaws open. Crow : "OWWWW!! You cracked my jaw! I ain't no snake, you know!" Mike: Oh sheesh, I can almost picture the nurse's outfit and the large syringe she MUST be carrying... Tom: On loan from Washuu. >As she is ready to put the pill in, Keiichi's eyes open.] Joel: Gee, it's about time our star wakes up from his beauty sleep. Tom: Most films have elaborate budgets for beautiful foreign settings... "Sound of Music", "On Deadly Ground"... "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls"... Crow: But this one's just hanging around the shrine all day! >Urd: Woops. Tom : "There it is! Woops, there it is!" >Keiichi: I'm not eating anything from you. I'm not doing anything >you say. I'm not going anywhere with you. And I'm not getting >seduced by you. Now go away! Mike: Keiichi made up a special "Urd Miranda Rights" card to read from in such situations. >Urd: And is that the right attitude to talk to a goddess?! Crow : "Oh, forgive me, your divaness. I'll just kiss your feet and scurry off while you and Whitney read your fan mail." >Morisato Keiichi-kun, do you know what today is? Mike: International Cayenne Pepper day? Tom: April 31? Joel: The feast day of Saint Christopher? >Keiichi: I don't know what today is! Why is everybody hiding >something from me?! Joel: Didn't you ever hear that gods and goddesses love playing with their mortals, Keiichi? Tom: Keiichi Morisato, Conspiracy Theorist. Crow : "You know who built Stonehenge! Quit holding out on me!" >Urd: Actually ... [Urd looks around] Joel : "Psst! Where's my TelePrompTer?!" Tom: To be perfectly honest, Urd only looks round in a couple strategic places... she's rather firm elsewhere. Crow: Hey, you cutting in on my territory? >... today is the day Marller plans to strike. Tom: ...a blow for freedom! Mike : "The signs are made, the Teamsters riled, and she's starting to rattle sabers over group health and dental." Crow : "She's gonna strike? Get my fire hose and break out the riot gear!!" >Since you're the most vulnerable target, I figure we're better off >protecting you. Now, take this pill. It'll help you resist bad >fortunes. Joel : "It'll also protect you from malignant fortune cookies and mean-spirited tarot cards." Crow: Hey, I betcha Hitomi Kanzaki wouldn't have minded one of those before hitting Gaia. >Keiichi: How come I don't believe you. Mike: Gee, it couldn't be because of her last fifteen plans backfiring, could it? >Urd: Pleeeze..... Crow : "...DON'T squeeze the Charmin!!" Mike: Lessee, Urd Whipple... doesn't have much of a ring to it, does it? >[Keiichi shakes his head.] Joel : "Nope nope nope nope nope!" Tom: He'd make a swell maraca! >Urd: NOW TAKE IT BEFORE I SHOVE IT DOWN!! Tom: Trust me buddy, it's a much better alternative than her shoving it up. >[They look back. Belldandy is awake and is looking concerned. Skuld >is holding a grenade.] Crow : "Get me! I'm Minny May Hopkins!" Mike : "Uhh, sister... the pin belongs in the grenade." Crow : "Uh-oh." >Belldandy: Big sister. Please don't lie, especially today. > >Keiichi: WHAT'S GOING ON?! Will somebody tell me something?! Tom: You know, he has a point. All: WILL SOMEONE TELL US SOMETHING TOO?! >...... Oh God! Is God coming today?! Crow : "Naw, George Burns is busy currently. He sent Bob Hope instead." Mike : "Not Bob again! Here comes another forty-eight straight hours of the USO tour..." >Belldandy: Well, no.... actually ......... Mike : "We all chipped in for some assertiveness training, Keiichi! What was that teacher's name again, Bell-chan?" Joel : "Let's see... the card says 'Shinji Ikari'." >[Voice from outside.] Joel : "Get on with it!" Mike : "Get on with it!" All : "GET ON WITH IT!!" >Dorm gang: MORISATO!! WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY!! Tom : "Break out the Sapporos and get us some beer nuts!" Crow: NOT TO MENTION THE JOY OF SUDDEN SHOUTING!! >[The goddesses look at Keiichi, who looks stunned.] Mike : "I've been sleeping for the last SEVEN MONTHS?! Why the heck didn't anyone WAKE ME?!?" Tom : "Well, you looked so cute lying there, we just didn't have the heart." >Keiichi: Birthday? May 26 is my birthday! Is that all... hahaha >ha..... !! Crow: The poor man has finally snapped. Tom : "A-HAHAHAHAHA!!! You're darn tootin'!" Mike: So what does this have to do with Urd's pill again? >TODAY IS MY TWENTIETH BIRTHDAY!!!!! I'm a man today!! Joel: Hey, wow, our first plot point arrived... and it was someone who forgot the very day that he would become a man. Mike : "I'm a man! I now have the right to capitalize EVERY WORD I SAY!! WOO-HOO!!" Crow: Bring on the booze and porn! Today I take my first steps towards depravity! >Keiichi - Oh damn! I was planning to take Belldandy out today. Crow : "I just got my new sniper rifle too!" >Talk to her about our future, and maybe.... [gulp]. Tom: These "big huge plans" include hitting a Seven-Eleven for a Big Gulp? Mike : "Here's your birthday slushie, Keiichi! And you can choose one candy bar!" Crow : "Oh boy!" >Now how do I get rid of these two.....? Joel: Bring in a cameo by Garfield and have him mail 'em to Abu Dhabi? Crow : "Oh, I know. Urd, Skuld... Queen is coming back to Japan!" Tom : "Oooh!! I'll get my Freddie Mercury T-shirt!" Crow : "They're playing Okinawa, heh heh..." >[The school gang crashes into the room.] Mike: They had a lot of courage at one hundred miles an hour... Tom: The T-Birds learned too late that drinking and driving just didn't mix. >Everyone: Morisato!! Would you invite us! > >Keiichi: Aaahhh!! All : "We'll take that as a yes!" >Belldandy: [deep breath]..... E V E R Y O N E !! Crow : "TEN-HUT!! LOOK ALIVE, YOU MAGGOTS!!" Mike: There was silence in Japan as all the elevens stood to attention at Belldandy's command. Tom : "Glad I toked before yelling, that does wonders for my voice! >[The room quiets down. Everyone protecting their eardrums.] Joel: They put all the eardrums in the middle of the room and made sure to put Urd on duty. >Keiichi - oh thank you Belldandy. > >Belldandy: I'll go make some food for the party. Crow : "Hey, Bell? Just remember not to do stuff like put extra wax in the wax beans again, 'kay?" Mike : "In that case... how about some super-special Beef Wellington?" Crow : "Uggh." >Gang: Thank you very much!! > >[Keiichi is being carried out of the room with his quilt. His hand >reaches out, mouth forming a silent "Help me!"] Tom : "I am Aladdin! Come, Bell-chan and ride with me on my magic carpet!" Joel: So his mouth is in his hand? Crow: Eat your heart out, Vampire Hunter D. >[Mini-Marller looks down from the overhead light.] Tom: *The* overhead light? She can see all the way from the moon? Mike: Tom, sheesh. I just got an image of Rita Repulsa. >Marller: Heheheh... so they choose to ignore my ultimatum. Crow : "I brought in the big guns for this one... the U.A.W. AND James Hoffa!" Joel : "Very well then! Tomorrow... I start with the shaving cream under the door and after that... the soaping of the windows! Heheheh..." >[Belldandy prepares her specialities in the kitchen, when suddenly she >turns around.] > >Belldandy: Marller! I can feel you. Come out! > >[Marller jumps down from the ceiling, grabs Belldandy by her bosoms.] Crow: [laughing] Oh, Belldandy can *definitely* feel her now. Tom : "When I said 'come out', I didn't mean from the closet!" >Marller: Long time no see, Bellu-chan. > >[Belldandy tries a spell to break free, but seems to have no effect.] Joel: Unless the spell's named "elbow to the head", I can't imagine it having much success. >Belldandy - Why? > >Marller: You don't remember what today is? It's a very special day. Crow : "The thirteenth day of Christmas?" Tom : "Thomas Crapper day?" >[Still touching Belldandy at the ikenai places.] Mike : "Marller's touching me again!" Tom : "IN THAT CASE, PUT A LINE OF TAPE DOWN THE CENTER OF THE WORLD. AND DON'T CROSS THAT LINE!!" Crow: Ikenai? Oh well, it beats seeing 'Ranma no baka!' and 'Kawaikune tomboy!' at least.... >Belldandy: [Ah!..] Today's.... [hump] Keiichi-san's birthday [aaah... >Ah!] Crow: What are they doing? Joel: Telling secrets. Crow: By humping? Joel: Uh, it's body language! We just can't see it cause it's text! Tom: Wait, this isn't hump day! It's Sunday! Get it right! >Marller: Heh heh heh. Has it been that long, or have you been too >busy to look up lately? Tom: It must be the number of people constantly groping her. >A thousand and twenty three cycles completed, and tonight the Swing of >Misfortune will reach it's apex. Mike : "The Slide of Agony has been all greased up, and the Monkey Bars of Intrigue have a fresh coat of paint too!" Tom: Proving once again that fate just plays around with its victims. >Remember what happened sixty-nine years ago? Joel: From now? Lessee, the Yankees won the World Series... Crow: There was a scandal in the White House! Tom: I seem to remember hurricanes that year. Mike [singing]: o/~ Sixty-nine years ago... was a very good year. It was a very good year..." Crow: Can it, Ol' Green Eyes. >Belldandy: [Ah...] ... no.... can't be > >Marller: That's right, today is my birthday too.... and I'm >unwrapping my present, NOW. Crow: That's strange. The BD/SM manual usually advocates putting tape on rather than taking it off. Mike: Anyone willing to ask Marller how many birthday spankings she gets this year? Tom: Funny, I thought you'd be screaming your head off by now. You sure you have no problem with me using you like this? Hmm, nope, guess not. >[Belldandy - Aaaaaaah......... Scene white out.] Joel: Hey, how come we didn't think to do that? Tom : "Suddenly, a freak blizzard struck inside the shrine's kitchen..." Mike : "Make sure you exercise caution around the freezer, icy conditions have sprung up there." >[Marller lying on the kitchen floor, undressed and smoking a long >cigarette holder. Crow: Huh. I wonder if she's smoking a Marller-boro. Tom: A-heh. >Belldandy is next to her, clinging to her dress and sobbing.] Crow : "You ripped it!" Mike : "Eww, it's a dark blue dress and now it has all these stains all over it..." >Marller: Aw shut up! I'm sure it's as good for you as it's for me. Joel : "Admit it! It's the best buzz you've had in a long time too!" >Belldandy: ...[snif]...Keiichi-san.... Tom : "Eww, I can smell him from here! He didn't shower this morning! Crow: That's a start... how 'bout a little LOUDER now? Joel: Not to mention sooner. Mike: She must have lost her voice with that shout earlier. >[Marller get's up. Her cloths magically refabricating around her >body.] Crow: Hey, check it out! She's the cop! Mike: Naw, she looks more like the construction worker. Joel: Ha! She's clearly the policeman! >Marller: Well, sorry to do this after so much fun, but a demon's >gotta do what a demon's gotta do. Bell-chan, it's been nice knowing >you. Mike : "Call me? Please?" >[Marller chants a rather powerful spell.] Mike, Joel [chanting]: "We...will...we...will...rock...you..." Tom : "Oh no! It's that old black magic that's got me in it's spell, that old black magic that she weaves so well!" >[Out from the boiling broth comes Skuld, holding her new creation that >looks suspiciously like an oversize hair dryer.] Tom : "Hey sis, I came up with a new invention! It's an industrial-grade hair dryer... so that you can get all of even YOUR hair dry! Down to your toes!" >Skuld: Stop, you..ouch..demon, you...wuuh...monster, you .... >yeek.... fiend. Joel: Acting consultant: William Shatner. Mike: They actually yanked him away from himself on those "Priceline" ads? >Or in the name of my...ouch, ouch, hot, ouch.... Crow: Oh wow, she knows the original Sailor Moon speech! >Handy-Dandy Demon Pacifier I'll .... ouch.... send you back to hell. Joel: Hey, she treaded on the Mads' copyright! Tom: Naw man, that was the Alien Teething Nook. Joel: Oh, yeah... Mike : "And if that doesn't stop you, I'll use the matching Handy-Dandy Demon Binky!" >Belldandy: Skuld, watch out! She's too powerful now! > >Marller: Go ahead, shorty. Perm my hair! Crow : "C'mon, tease it a bit!" Tom : "Okay, you wanted it and you're gonna get it! AFRO BLAST!!" >Skuld: SWITCH ON! Mike : "Atomic batteries to power... turbines to speed..." Tom : "Roger. Ready to move out." >[Skuld's toy blows a puff of hot air which, if anything, curls up an >afro for Marller.] All: [sweatdrops] Joel: Well, honestly, you need a bottle of "Jheri Curl" for that anyway... right? >Marller: Hah! Doesn't even sting. Crow: Maybe they should call in the Police then. Joel: [groans] >Skuld: You just wait!! Tom : "I'm gonna fix you up good, you'll find out! And then I'll get my big sister on ya! Yeah!" Joel: Speaking of which... where is Urd anyway? Did she decide to give advice to the lovelorn among the Dorm Gang? Crow: Either that or working the phone lines on her own special Psychic Friends network. >[First spoons, and then forks, chopsticks, pans, pots, and the rest of >the kitchen utensils converges to Marller.] Mike: Hey, we just ran into an episode of "Iron Chef"! Joel: This week in the Kitchen Stadium... Skuld versus Marller! >Marller: What the...!! Tom : "You left my cake... out in the RAIN?!" >Skuld: Ha! My beautiful HD^2P is a Localized Satanity Regradient >Transformer, one which converts negative aura into sign consistent >space-time gradient, causing objects to freefall geodesically. And >when the collapsing mass reaching critical ...... Joel: Freefall 'geodesically'? As in, they make a dome much like the Epcot Center's? Mike: The author took technobabble lessons from the writers of "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Tom: Really? My bet was Ratliff. >[Before the author runs out of imagination, Marller uses her spell to >break free.] Crow: Warning Joel Robinson! Third wall integrity approaching zero percent! Tom: Since when did goddesses need spells anyway? Shouldn't they be able to WILL things into existence? Joel: Only if there's a way. >[Bang!] Mike: Oh wow, there's some blame to be had around here somewhere... Tom: Well, I blame Michael Stipe. Crow: And I accuse my parents! >Marller - never thought I have to use that dangerous spell. > >Marller: That was a good shot, shorty. Now it's my turn!! All [singing]: To everything, turn turn turn... there is a season, turn turn turn... >[Urd slams the door open. She has wine and kitchen utensils attached >to her body.] Mike: Urd IS Betty Crocker! Tom: Urd's BACK, and this time she's COOKIN' WITH STEAM HEAT!! Joel : "Pasta la vista, baby." >Urd: I told you not to build anymore of these dangerous toys!! Tom : "Look what happens when Skating Barbie skates through a slick of gasoline! Poof! And don't get me started on those baby walkers you designed!" Joel: Meanwhile, Belldandy continued to sob and clutch her dress, ignored by everyone in the room.... >Marller: This is great! Three mice in one trap. Now I can finish >you all off at once! Crow: Hey! Put a moustache on her and she's Snidely Whiplash! >[Urd whips out a boombox from behind her back, still ignoring >Marller.] Mike : "I'm going to be on Yo! MTV Raps! in a matter of days, I gotta practice! Hey Skuld, do I have enough gold around my neck?" Crow : "Ahh... I'm just a bit BUSY right now!!" Mike : "Sheesh, homey, I dig your jones! Hey, I've got the lingo down!" >Urd: As you get older, you'll learn how to solve problems with >elegant solutions. Joel: When did Urd become the spokeswoman for Sharp Electronics? >[Urd press play on the boombox.] > >Marller: Hah! Your music can't make me dance now.... Mike : "Damn! I left my Philip Glass CD in here!" Tom : "Oh... oh yeah? Well I'll just get my Don Henley music! All YOU'LL want to do is dance after that!" >[.... as Marller taps her feet and snaps her finger.] Crow : "Look, I ordered a chicken salad sandwich thirty minutes ago! Come on, I'm hungry!" Mike: Dude Love... Dude Love.... >Marller: New Order!? Now that's a cheap shot, Urd! You'll pay for >this!! > >[Marller blasts off, followed by a trail of utensils.] Tom: It looks like Team Marller is blasting off again. Crow: Where's Roger Wilco when you need him? >Skuld: Big sister. What does Marller mean by the Pendulum of >Misfortune? Mike : "Oh, it was some gameshow that she tried producing for a year or so. I heard it flopped horribly." >Urd: Yeah, I've heard about the cycles thing too. (Although I never >paid attention to it. Only Belldandy goes to all the classes.) Tom : "After all, what am I going to do with a refrigeration repairman's certificate?" Crow: I've always considered Urd to be of good breeding.... Joel: Down, boy. Heel. >Belldandy: Well, it's like this..... HEY! WHY DIDN'T YOU TWO DO >SOMETHING WHEN MARLLER WAS HAVING HER WAYS WITH ME!? Crow : "Uhh, we were filming it for future release in the States?" Joel : "We were walking, breathing, looking, digesting, moving, and hearing! What more do you expect?!" Mike: Sorry, sis. The author paid us to look the other way. >Urd, Skuld: Because I thought you were in no immediate danger. Joel : "I mean, I didn't see a meteor falling or you ingesting any Nutrasweet...." Tom: It's the two-headed Goddess! AAHHHH!! >[Flashback - Skuld listened in her Wall's Ear with a headset, while >furiously working on the converted hair dryer. Skuld: What is >Marller doing to my sister?] Crow: Rearranging the kitchen! Tom: Full-contact brownie baking! Joel: Sounded more like second base to me... Mike : "Who cares? Just give me back my hair dryer! I'm clumping here!" >[Flashback - Urd was in a room full of drunken people, including >Keiichi. Crow: : "Shay, ERRRRRD... *hic*... dish I evvvvver telly ya you luk HHHHHOT ina bikikini thingy? *hic*" >She stuck her head into the living room TV set, saying "Iiiizo, iiiizo >(that's good, that's good)". Tom: Kono sakusha wa SOL-tachi ga bakayaro da to omotteiru! [Other three sweatdrop] Mike: Mind shutting off his Japanese subroutine? Joel: I make no guarantees. >One guy on the floor said, "Hey, how do you do that?"] (So what >their kitchen has TV too?) Mike: And it worked well until Urd used the mini-satellite dish as a salsa bowl. Crow: It's just as well, Keiichi was mistaking the television for the microwave. >Belldandy: [sigh...] The Universe as we know it is filled with cases >of dualism. Mike: Parallel Trouble Adventure Dualism? Joel: Double standards, even... Tom: Glad to know the universe tolerates people like Pat Buchanan and Jesse Jackson. >We have good and evil, love and hate, positive and negative matter. Tom : "Kami-Sama should've made one more pass with the dice... the universe might've been a whole different place... a pox on you, Gamblers Anonymous! Crow: Strictly speaking, isn't that "matter and antimatter"? Mike : "Would you like to hear more about that love and hate thing? I penned a protest song in my hippie days..." >[Urd: What matter? Skuld: Does it matter? You think a physicist >wrote this?] Crow: I'm willing to bet Fujishima Kousuke had little to do with it too. Tom: Naw, their brains would've fried on the "magic chanting" from before. Mike : "Highly illogical, Jim." >Belldandy: As for people, we have the fortunate, and then we have the >unlucky ones. Joel: The people reading this fic? Tom: Darwin was predicting something like this too... it was his axiom, "Survival of the Luckiest". >The lucky ones don't always have good fortunes, nor do the unlucky >people never get a break. Tom: Yeah, those fortune cookies can be a bitch sometimes, eh? Joel & Mike: WE NEED COFFEE! WE NEED COFFEE! Crow: Aww, man! They've been like that ever since we took their breaks away! >Their lives are dictated by the cycles of their fortune stars, which >determine the swing of the Pendulum of Fate. Crow: ...in the Grandfather Clock of Time, right? Tom: Uhh... sure, that's it. Mike : "The pendulum has swung in this fic!" >[Urd: Oh my head hurts. Skuld: Then don't drink and think!] Joel: Drinking is like a quarter on the tracks of your train of thought. This message brought to you by the Water Council! Mike: The Water Council! It's not just for showers anymore! >Belldandy: Fortune stars are binary stars, where one gives blessings >while it's twin administers mishaps. The number of fortune stars >eclipsing it's counterpart determines the position of the Pendulum. Tom : "It's just a simple formula! Start with the date in standard DDMMYY format, take its square root, divide by the hour of the day and the number of cherry trees in full blossom, subtract the number of molecules in my butt..." Crow: Why do I get the feeling this author is a frequent caller to the Psychic Friends Network? >Sixty-nine years ago a hundred and twenty-eight misfortune stars >aligned, Mike: And they all gathered over the house of one Ataru Moroboshi. Joel : "It is fate." >and that event triggered the birth of Marller. The next Pendulum >swing would align 1,024 misfortune stars, making tonight the most >perilous one for us in the past 50,000 years. Crow : And? Tom : I'm just trying to say RUN FOR THE HILLS!! Joel: Yeah, I'll have a fanfic with a math chaser, please? >[Urd: Why do I have a feeling things will get worse before they get >better?] Mike: Urd, Goddess of the Obvious. Tom: Divine intuition? Joel: Literally! >Belldandy: Fortunately, if Marller is using the occasion to become >the heir of Darkness, she still lacks one key element..... Tom : "A pile of osmium." Crow : "'Tis the season to be EEEVIL!!" >[Skuld: Oh oh, now I have the same feeling too.] Joel : "It's like someone punched you in the gut while you were eating Mexican food, isn't it?" Mike : "Yeah! That food that Tamiya brought for the party must've been tainted!" Crow : "Geez, talk about a pair of pessimists! Cheer up and love life, guys!" >Belldandy: ..... before the full moon reaches heaven's apex tonight >and completes the final cycle, Marller must present Darkness a >sacrifice. Someone who is like her, but opposite. Joel: Postulate of Darkness #1 - Opposite vertical angles are congruent and proportional. Tom : "Well, that eliminates me. Good luck, Bell-chan! I'll be at the beach soaking rays and longing stares! See ya!" >Someone who epitomizes virtue and good fortune. Tom: Rich and pretty. Check. Mike : "They also must be based upon the very model of a modern major-general." >Someone who will give her the final thrust of power to break her >power barrier. Joel: She needs... Sailor Jupiter! Crow: Well, as long as it doesn't overload her power grid... Mike : "But where can she possibly find someone with the pelvis to perform such an impossible feat? >Urd: Hmm.... that means someone will have to be a guy, and a virtuous >guy at that. Crow: She's gonna do it with the Pope? Tom: Wonder if he'll take his hat off for *this*. >Skuld: Let me see ... [whips out her pocket holy-calculator] .... the >last time within 200 years when 128 positive aligns occured was May >26, 1972. Hmm...... Crow: And yet, Richard Nixon was still in office. Tom: Well, it wasn't quite enough... they needed 134. Joel: No wonder everybody was looking for a good time back then. >Urd: Ha!! In this town?! There is no way Marller can find someone >this qualified before mid-night. Mike : "Oh no!" Joel : "What is it, Skuld?" Mike : "Marller placed ads in the Tokyo Times!" Joel : "Damn that Marller! Always one step ahead of us!" >Urd, Skuld: Ah Ha ha ha ha ha ........ eeh? Tom: Hey, check it out! Ah Megami-Sama, live from Winnipeg! Mike, Crow : "That Sinbad! He gets us every time!" >Belldandy: TAI HEN!! (Oh no!!) Crow: Tai rooster!! (Oh yes!!) Mike: Tal Bachman!! (Oh stop!!) >End Part A Mike : "Now take the amount you have from section 82f and add that to the total from part A. Then divide it by the day of the week and the color socks you're wearing, add that to Elly Mae, and write on line 109g. This is the total of your deductions." Tom: I don't think I can take twenty-five more letters of this. >(P.S. Just for the record, 5/26/92 was not a Sunday.) Joel: It was actually a... Tuessssssday Affffffternoooooooon.... Tom: And for the compact disc, it was moved to Thursday! Crow: Brought to you by the Unnecessary Nitpickers Society. >----- Joel: Hey guys, check it out. It's the Maginot line. Crow: Anyone for Hangman? >[Meanwhile, back in the party room.] Tom: ...no one could get Teddy Kennedy away from the keg! Crow : "Biparthishan thish!" >Keiichi: No more... I can't drink anymore. > >Sayoko: Oh comon. One more can't hurt. Look, I'll drink with you. >Cheers! All: Norm! Crow : "How life going for you, Mr. Peterson?" Mike : "For all I care Woody, it can stop as long as you keep handing me beers." >Sayoko - Heh heh, with the sisters gone and everyone else out cold, >this could be my perfect chance. Tom : Catholic school drop-out... Crow : "I'll... SPIKE THE BEER! Hahaha! They'll never see it coming!" >[Sayoko pulls her blouse below her shoulder.] Joel: Pausing to first rid herself of her shoulderpads. >Sayoko: Keiichi, do you think I'm attractive? Mike : "At least, you're USDA approved." Crow: Hey, I thought *everyone* was out cold. >[Everyone on the floor: S U R E !] Mike: Society for Unstable Riffers Everywhere? Tom: We're card-carrying members! Crow: HEY! It just said that everyone was out cold! Can we trust you, fanfic? Joel: Raise your hand... if you need deodorant. >Sayoko: Hmm.... this is not a good place. Joel: No, it's your *secret place*! Tom There's a secret place, I like to go... >[Sayoko drags Keiichi out of the room.] Mike : "It's closing time, son. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Tom : "But thish ish my 'ome!" Mike : "In that case, isn't it about time to admit you have a drinking problem?" >Sayoko: Get out... beat it... let go of his legs..... out of >my way!! Crow Don't make me find my billy club! Joel: Just another day on the Tokyo subways... Mike: Either that or any U.S. movie theater. >[Silence falls upon the room.] > >[The sisters crash into the party room.] Tom: Or silence crashes upon the room and the sisters fall in. Your choice. Mike : "They're here! And they've come to take me back to the convent!" >Belldandy: Is Keiichi-san here?! Crow : "The Keiichi that you have requested has been temporarily abducted. Sorry for the inconvenience." >[Urd overturns a few faces on the floor.] Joel: She has a future in Beverly Hills. >Urd: Nope. > >[Belldandy is ready to burst into tears.] Tom : "Aww crap, she's about to blow... Skuld, what are you... PUT THE ONION DOWN! NOW!!" Crow : "She's leaking... what did that little Dutch boy do in this same situation? Oh yeah! Stick your finger in the leak!" >Belldandy: Has anyone seen Keiichi-san?! > >Tamiya: ... the witch (furigana - Sayoko) took Morisato that way. Joel: Hoo boy... floating subtitles. Mike: By the way it looks, Animeigo still has the rights. >[Points to the door.] Crow: It knocked the window down twice this round, and the window was penalized for a low blow. >[Belldandy - Oh spirits of the earth and the air, lend me your power >and be the wind beneath my wings.] Joel: Okay, I call preemptive "no Bette Midler" here. Tom: Jo-el! No fair! Mike: What's going on here anyway? She's a goddess! She doesn't need *spirits* to help her out! Crow: Maybe she went Wiccan? >[Belldandy flys straight off to the pointed direction.] Tom: Guess it's better than floating like a knuckleball. >Skuld: I'll go build the Super Duper Keiichi Detector right now. Crow: She will tag the wild Keiichi and rerelease him into the wilds of Tokyo to study migration patterns. >Urd: Then I'll channel hop and see what I can find. > >[Urd flys into the TV set, and Skuld splashes into a half full beer >mug.] Joel: Television and beer... the two best responses to ANY problem. Mike: Unless your goal is to write MSTs. Joel: Heh heh, oh yeah. >[Silence falls upon the room once more.] > >[Next panel, same scene. The gang on the floor gives a unison >"N e a t T r i c k".] Tom: Two concerts only! Neat Trick! With special guest Mr. Blister! Live at the Staples Center! Crow: Umm... are they spelling out both words? What's with the spaces? >[Sayoko closes sliding door behind her. Keiichi is out of view.] > >Sayoko: (looking seductively) No one will bother us here. Let's >drink some more. Joel : "You do that. I prefer Asahi beer though." >Sayoko: (holding half full glass) Tom: I call that it's half-empty! Mike: She must've slugged that glass of more rather quickly, I didn't even see her pour anything! >My mother... told me... never drink.... with another man.... alone Crow : "She always had the weirdest stories about this fella named Dean Martin..." Mike: Huh. I would've thought Andy Capp myself. Joel: Always better than Andy Gibb. >Sayoko: (sits down, eyes half closed. we now see back of Keiichi's >head) Because all he'll think about.... is popping my cherry. Isn't >that.... right?! Joel: Hey guys, check it out... she's a Cherry Pop Tart! Tom: It's certainly more traditional than popping her Crunchberry. >[View of Keiichi now. Tied and mouth gagged. His big, wide, moist >eyes has the look that begs for life.] Crow: He's an anti-abortion activist? Mike : "I'm not the type for hardcore, this isn't doing anything for my libido." >Sayoko: (picks up Keiichi by the shirt, smirking triumphantly) I bet >you're burning to ravage my virgin, defenseless body right now...... Joel: And if he does, he'll be burning by Belldandy's hand. Crow: Surprised she had the willpower to stay celibate for so long. >[Some times later, in the yard, Skuld is seen banging on a hacked up >Gameboy.] Tom : "Dammit! I should've captured that Electrabuzz! Why didn't my Ultraball work?!" >Skuld: This can't be right!! The reading still comes from Keiichi's >bedroom. I must adjust the parameters so my SDKD won't pick up his >belongings! Crow: Sickening Donkey Kong Device? Tom: Nope, that's a Nintendo. >Urd [within the Gameboy display]: Have you checked in his room? > >Skuld: ...... no, that's stupid. Mike: Is it possible for you three to refrain here? Tom, Crow, Joel [singing]: "Na na na na... na na na na... hey hey hey... plot go bye-bye." Mike: *sigh* >[Both of them turn facing the readers, looking suspecious.] Joel: Don't worry, we're even more skeptical. Mike: Hey! You have a story to complete! Entertain us, dammit! Don't stare dumbly into the camera! >[Urd and Skuld run towards Keiichi's bedroom. An exhausted looking >Belldandy stands hesitantly outside.] Tom : "I really must stop running Keiichi's motorcycles in the garage with all the doors closed." Joel: If only Monty Hall was here... he'd open Door #1 for sure! >Belldandy: I can sense Keiichi's distress inside, but I have a >ominous feeling about entering. > >Urd: No point wishie-washing!! We're saving him from that..... Crow: Ha. Keiichi's got more than enough wishy-washy himself. He doesn't need any more. Tom: With all these women, do you get the feeling that this could be a Tenchi Muyo fic? >[View from within, Urd bangs down the bedroom door, shouting >"WENCH!!", followed by an anxious Bell and a curious Skuld.] Mike : "No, just the wench. Shrimp, you wait outside." Joel : "Piers... scewdriver... cisel..." Crow: Expression art, by the Goddess of Love. >[Naked Sayoko is seen 'squatting' on top of half naked Keiichi, while >her hands are on her breast and between her legs, Joel: I heard that poison ivy was making the rounds, but this is ridiculous! Mike: Huh. I would have figured her hands would be at the end of both her arms. >and her head turned back with the look of surprise. Keiichi, still >in bondage, is also bulging his eyes, more from pain than shock. >(Imagine some blood there too.)] Tom: Eww, Sayoko's menstruating all over Keiichi! Crow: Mental image that was NOT needed. Joel: In that case, it was her cherry filling. Crow: You're not making this any easier, Robinson. >[Full page. The surprised goddesses can't keep their mouths closed. >Urd tries to cover Belldandy and Skuld's eyes. Belldandy tries to >cover Skuld's eyes and her mouth. Skuld tries to cover Belldandy's >and her own eyes.] Joel: Sooo, who's not seeing, hearing or speaking evil here? Mike: Oh, just get a blanket and be done with it! >[Next page, panting Keiichi is being comforted by Belldandy. Tom: Look, he's already spent... wait ten minutes, and you'll get more of a rise out of 'im. Crow : "There you go, that's a good boy! You're going to get a doggie treat! Yes you are! Oh yes you are!" >At one corner Urd is roughing Sayoko up. >Urd: You evil, selfish little slut!! Crow : "Look, before you end up saying something that offends me...." Mike : "H-hey! Quit rubbing that sandpaper all over my face! Ouch!" >Sayoko: It's your fault that I had chitsukeilen (the spasm)!! >Skuld: Urd you shouldn't pull so hard.] Joel : *sniff* "Sorry, I hab a code." >(note: CHITSUKEILEN roughly translates to vaginal spasm, but I'm sure >there's a proper medical term for that in English. Crow: Uh, how about *orgasm*? Tom: That'd make for an interesting lemon scene. Oh! I'm Chitsukeilen! I'm CHITSUKEEEEEILENNNNNNN!!! Mike: Actually, it sounds like the author's referring to a female ejaculation. Crow: Thank you, Mr. Hentai. >If caught in a courtship situation, it can be rather uncomfortable, >if not embarrassing. Tom: Dad, stop! It was an accident! Brad didn't mean to stick his tongue in my mouth! Really! Joel: Not to mention a wedding... >Fortunately it occurs more often in manga than in real life.) Crow: As do ink smudges. Mike: That would explain this fic. >Belldandy: Keiichi-san. It's not like you to take advantage of >drunken girls. Joel : "I always thought you got them stoned first." Tom: In this case, it's the reverse! Crow: What, Belldandy takes advantage of drunken girls? >Keiichi: ME?! Took advantage?! She stole my virginity!! Tom : "And she pawned it off for $4.25! Man, am I steamed!" >[Sayoko: I almost got him off! Urd: You almost got HIS off! >Skuld: Sounded like champaign.] Mike: Vintage champagne from the You Almost Got His Off Vinyards, fermented in the heart of France and fine-aged for three days... Crow : "Don't you have bugs to squash somewhere?" >Belldandy: Anyway, thank goodness you're allright. Worse things >could have happened. Tom : "The planet Neptune could have fallen on your head!" >Keiichi [smiling a bit]: Don't worry. My day can't get any worse >than this. Crow : "Hey Bell, didn't you tell him about Mommy?" Tom : "Oh, yeah. Keiichi, my mother Endora's coming for a few days, I hope you don't mind." >Voice: That's right, Morisato Keiichi! Your day will only get >better. Joel : "...cause you're the next contestant on the PRICE IS RIGHT!!!" Tom : "No, no, a THOUSAND times NO, Rod Roddy! Take your shiny pink suited ass OFF my temple lawn, thank you!" >[In a flash, the goddesses are blasted away from Keiichi, as he gets >sucked into a ball of darkness. Keiichi: Not again!!!] Mike : "Tuesday's ball of darkness was full of pain and regret... man, if it's Thursday's ball of darkness though, I received a color television and a new pair of sneakers!" Tom: Must be one of those new Canon digital cameras. >Urd: Lightening Summon!! > >Skuld: Take gernade!! Mike: Hope they're able to get their attacks off correctly. Tom : "Hey Ramuh! Get your fat, lazy, grey butt over here NOW!" Crow : "Oh wise and powerful spirit of Jenny Craig, grant upon me the awesome power of weight loss!" >[Only a few sparks fly and the grenades fall dud. Crow: It's no wonder. I bet "Lightning Summon" and "Take Grenade" would've been more effective. Tom : "Damn, knew I should've scuffled my feet on the carpet longer." Joel: Grenades fall dud, go bom. Mike: Okay, who called a game of Ring around the Rosey?!? >Urd's eyes and mouth wide open in disbelief, whereas Skuld falls >to her knees in tears. Crow : "G-gladiator... the Academy voted for GLADIATOR?!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?" Joel : "The grammar... I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!!" Tom: This is almost like reading a legal brief. >Skuld: My babies...] Tom : "They left me... never said a word... was it something I done?" Joel: Heh, okay Elvis. >Marller: You are already no match for my strength, but I'll let >you say your prayers til midnight, when I'll crush you like ants. >AHAAHAHA!! Crow : "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep..." Mike : "Stop that!" Joel : "I thought you preferred magnifying glasses for ants, Marller." Tom : "AHAAHAA *cough cough* Sorry, had some hair stuck in my throat." >[Marller's jump into the black hole as well.] Mike : "Jump in the line, rock your body in time!" Crow : "Say hello to Vincent and Maximillian for us!" >[Belldandy awakes seeing Urd, surrounded by jars and bottles, Joel : "Sister! You've started recycling! I'm so proud of you!" >and Skuld, putting the finishing touch on a medicine-ball size >grenade, already engaged in a heated debate. It's already night >time.] Joel : "But I think we should add serin!" Tom : "Go for the classics... mustard gas!" Mike: It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your Keiichi are? >Skuld: I can tell an stupid solution from a elegant one!! Turning >Marller into a sex fiend is stupid!! (Besides, she only likes women.) Crow: Guess Skuld doesn't subscribe to the "make love not war" ideal. Tom : "Yeah, she does! Hey... who said that?" >Urd: And what's this!? Are you going to drill a hole straight down >to America!? (Remember she has a hostage?) Mike : "No, really, who IS that?" Tom : "Bracketman? How should I know?" >Skuld: At least I'm playing safe!! Handle it your way and we can >expect apocalypse now! Joel: Umm... considering who's proposing high explosives, shouldn't Urd be saying this? Tom: Note - Urd is known for making a bad situation worse. >Urd: Tsk, tsk. Immaturity is shown in tactless actions. Joel : "And Forrest Gump is shown in cheap theaters! What's your point?!" >I say we can draw first blood by sneaking in like deer hunters. Crow : "Are you guys planning on playing Russian Roulette again?" Joel : "Good idea! Skuld, you go get bombed while I load the semi-automatics for those helpless deer! Bambi dies tonight!" Tom, Mike [singing]: A wheem-oh-wep, a wheem-oh-wep... In the forest, the mighty forest, the goddesses hunt tonight... >Skuld: Then why don't we take the whole platoon and charge in like >Rambo?! Mike : "Tom Berenger and Oliver Stone might have something to say about that." Crow: Not to mention ol' Syllie Stallone. Tom : "But my voice can't go that low... and there's no way I'm going to wear a smelly hairband. Do you have the slightest clue how long it takes to WASH all of this hair?" >Urd, Skuld: Ahahahaha [Urd - so you like those movies too? Skuld - >yeah, I love explosives!] ...... Mike: Great, just great... this fic's coming down with a case of brackets! Get some Vitamin D, quickly! >Urd, Skuld: .... ahem > >[Laughters cut short by Bell's famous cold goddess stare.] Tom: Yikes, no wonder people are switching back to Bell. Joel: Who replaced Belldandy with Frau Blucher while we weren't noticing? Crow : "AHAHAHAHAHAHA... you're stuck here!!" >Belldandy: Oh dear, it's almost time! Where is Marller?! Where is >Keiichi-san!? Mike : "They're late! They're late! For a very important date! >[Belldandy - and by the way, where is Sayoko-san?] Mike: Sleeping it off? Crow: Wonder if she still needs company... >Skuld: They never left. I think they're across the yard, in the >altar room. (And I put Sayoko in her bed.) Tom : "In that case... where's Tamiya?" Joel : "Passed out in the front room." Tom : "Okay... how about Inu-Yasha?" Joel : "Ancient China, right where you left him! Sheesh, get a flow-chart!" >[background - Sayoko wakes up on her bed. Sayoko: What strange >dream. tee hee] Crow: Oh no, she's been DUBBED! Mike: Damn you, New Line Cinema! Damn you to hell! Joel: See Sayoko. See Sayoko drink. See Sayoko sauced. Don't be a Sayoko. >Urd: That arrogant bitch thinks she's so strong there's no reason >for her to hide. Tom : "She didn't even let us call "no tagbacks"! Ooh, she steams my carrots!" Crow: Because, after all, great strength is essental to a game of hide and seek. >[background - SD Urd gets thrown out of the altar. Voice from >within - Don't come back if you can't do better! HAHAHA] Crow : "And if you don't come back with a WHOLE goat AND a cow, I'll smite you!" Joel: Maybe it's Charlie from Charlie's Angels? Mike: Methinks Urd should altar her plan. Tom: If my arms worked, Pinky, you'd get your head whacked. >Belldandy: Marller's strength now exceeds any conventional exorcism >techniques. Mike : "We need the Ghostbusters!" Tom: Either that or Beetlejuice. Joel : "I prayed we would never have to resort to this again... but we have no choice... we must use... THE HOLY CROWBAR!" >We must save Keiichi-san, if not the World. There is no other way! Crow : "Well, we could ignore it and vacation in Hawaii... well, we could!" >Skuld: There is another way? ..... You can't be serious!! There's >no way I'm going through with that! I was only going to blow up >the city....... Tom : "See? I scattered mini-bombs all over the place! Even in this fic!" Crow : "Fifteen million dead, twenty tops! Come on, it's acceptable losses under the circumstances!" Mike : "Are you nuts? If you destroy Tokyo, Japan will lose 90% of its superheroines!" >Urd: ...?! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!! Now why didn't I think of that? > >[Skuld stands up, ready to jump into the nearest tea cup.] Joel : "This IS a cartoon, after all... why not have her high-dive into it!" Mike: Better yet, a jack knife with a one and a half twist! Tom: Oh, she ripped that technique off from Lum! Crow: Oolong? Green? Earl Grey, hot? We may never know. >Skuld: I think there's still time so I'll just go back and say hi to >God and maybe he'll help us out this time so see you later bit sisters >...... Mike: What is the deal with all these periods anyway? Did they drift in the heavy winds? >Urd: You're out voted. Tom : "Thank you, Chicago and Al Capone wherever you are!" Joel : "Fine. I call filibuster!" >Belldandy, Urd: (spell) Three Goddesses Combine!! Mike : "Constructicons, merge into DEVASTATOR!!!" Crow: Hey! They're Mighty Morphin' Power Goddesses! >Skuld: Wuuaaahhh!! > >[When dust settles, a lone, shadowy figure remains in the background.] Crow: Hey, anyone else feel a Bon Jovi song comin' on? >figure: That was fast. Joel
: "I've never had pizza delivered so quickly!" >[Mean while, in shrine room, Marller is pacing around. Unconscience >Keiichi is bolted down spread on the floor.] Crow: Like so much margarine. Mike: Wow! Wherever did they find a Keiichi without morals and scruples? Joel: I bet Sayoko's looking for one of those. >Marller: What are those ditzs up to now? Any longer and they'll >miss the show (subtitle - the offering) ! Tom: Script format - confusing ! Joel: Superscript: more illogical punctuation-type roadsigns ! >Marller: Damn!! Guess I'll have to go ahead without them. >Hmm.... come to think of it, what am I suppose to do with this >lamb? Crow: YOU captured him, YOU decide! Don't ask us, we're just as confused as you are! Joel: Shouldn't that be "ewe decide"? Crow: Please, no more puns! >[Marller rolls a scroll which, on the back, is labeled "Dian(blocked >by panel).] Mike: Hey! Mr. Camera Operator, mind moving the machine a *couple* inches to the right? Please? Crow: Phew. Good thing it didn't say "Dios", we'd be even more bamboozled than before! >Marller: (looks up at the audience, sweating) ...... you can't be >serious? Joel: Heh... we try not to be too serious, I mean look at the stuff we're forced to read. Mike: So this is audience participation now? Will we get a chance to identify the culprit and solve the murder? Joel: It's Murder Mystery Dinner Theater 3001! >[Marller bends down to Keeichi, whose eyes wide opened by her >action, and cups his cheek. Tom : "Wow, it's so soft! You use Oil of Olay too?" Crow: Okay, let's organize here. We have the normal Keiichi, an amoral and completely without scruples Keiichi, and now we have Keeichi? Mind providing an appendix of charts, fic? Mike : "Keeichi keeichi koo!" >She has this sweet, innocent smile on her face (not seen since she >regained her memory).] Tom: Of course, this was on the last thrilling episode of General Hospital. Joel: Where's Dr. Chad Feelgood when you really need him? >Marller: You know, this will hurt me more than it'll hurt you. Mike : "ESPECIALLY if I'm holding the cattle prod the wrong way!" Tom : "EEYOWWWWWWWWWW!!!" Joel : "Okay, maybe not." Tom: Hey guys, we need to split. Time to take a breather.