[Part 2:] -Satellite of Love- "C'mon! You can't be serious!" "You don't believe me? Ask those goddesses in the fanfic, they'd probably back me up!" Mike was standing behind the desk next to Crow when Joel walked in from the right. "Hey Joel, got a sec?" Joel stopped. "What's up?" "Your little gold robot's logic processors have been damaged from so many bad fanfics." Joel's face showed a second of confusion until he realized the situation. "Oh, Crow's conspiracy theories? He's always been like that. What's the latest, Crow?" Crow held up a chart showing scribbles of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Princess Diana, three watermelons, a DEA drug dog, Alcatraz Prison, and the Loch Ness Monster. "I've diagrammed it all out for your approval." Mike squinted at the proffered drawing. "And where exactly is this all going, Crow?" "It's the conspiracy to keep me up here, of course!" Crow retorted. "And my point is that those goddesses in the fic can see it all happening! Why don't they do something about that?" Joel sighed, "You're up here because I'm up here. Why complicate it?" "And am I up here for the same reason, Crow?" Mike inquired sheepishly. "'Course not! I'll need a couple hours to work yours out, Mike! Where should we start... oh yeah! Peru's president was just deposed after many years of service, probably due to either the Shining Path guerillas or the Kenyan mountain gorillas..." The lights on the Satellite all started flashing crazily. Joel yelled, "This'll have to wait, guys. We have fic sign!" (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate) (Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the bottom) (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.) (Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually) (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well) (Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia) (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you inside) Crow: And don't forget the beefeaters! They were supposed to be guarding Windsor Castle the whole time! Tom: Another conspiracy rant? Joel: We're guessing he's just adding to the first one. Tom: Well, can it Mel Gibson. The fic's on again! >[We see the back of the mystery figure, facing the shrine room. Voice >coming from room - Whut...!! What are you doing!!?] Mike: After an unsuccessful stint in space, the HAL 9000 is finally brought to the Earth he loved so dearly... Joel : "I'M GOING TO ELIMINATE INSPECTOR GADGET ONCE AND FOR ALL! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MAD CAT?" Crow : "Rrrrrrowl!" >figure - Attack now! Tom: COBRA!!! Crow: What is this, the 80's cartoon revival? >figure - In manga the good guys always let the bad guys reach full >power before they attack... Mike: Otherwise known as "The Comic Gambit". Crow
: "But this isn't a fictional story... is it?" Joel: This isn't a fictional story... *is it*? >figure - Marller has him. I must have caution. Tom
: "I wonder if Marller will trade Keiichi for caution straight-up." >[Close profile of figure. She has the face of Belldandy, the eyes >of Urd, and the hair of Skuld. She has the infinite sign (sideway >figure 8) on her forehead. Joel: Heh, someone branded her for the Lazy Eight ranch. >Voice - Hey! Belldandy made that ..... Ouch!!] Crow: She's known in this city as the goddess of pain. >figure - God is not going to be happy when he hears about this. > >figure - Sounds like fun in there. Crow: I'm figuring they should be putting a NAME to this being, I'm getting tired of this! Joel: Yeah, go figure. >[Full profile of Urdar. Fancy apparel aside, she's holding a staff >topped by an hour glass. Tom: Our author... the MASTER of descriptions. Joel : "Get this pole outta my ass! I'm gonna tell Setsuna on you!" >Voice - Stop!! No!! Not there....!!] Mike: For all we know, it could be Tamiya protesting the placement of the keg back in the house, eh? >figure - She's preparing the sacrifice. We don't have much time. Tom
: "We need fast and filling. Maybe a quickie potato salad, or some baked beans?" Crow
: "So we might as well waste what time we DO have on idle speculation!" >figure - But I'm Urdar, the Great Goddess of Fate. There's nothing >I can't do! Mike : "Except... *urrgh*... getting this stupid... *arrgh* pickle jar open... Sheesh!" Joel: Sounds like she really relishes her position... Crow : "She *is* fate." >Urdar: HOW CAN I THINK WHEN I'M ARGUING WITH MYSELF!!? Joel: No wonder she was cut from the Yggdrasil Debate Team all those years ago. >[Voice - OH NO...... NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!] Mike: Looks like Mr. Bill bought it again. Tom : "Crap! I was SO CLOSE to saving the Mushroom Princess too! Damn you, Bowser!" >[Urdar bangs down the door.] > >Urdar: I won't forgive anyone who torments Keiichi-san!! Crow: For some reason, whenever I see Urdar, I keep thinking of elephants. Joel: Well, I think this does qualify as a circus. >Urdar: What?! Oh no!! You couldn't.....!! Tom : "Don't even TRY! Weebles wobble, but they NEVER fall down!" Joel: So is this a one-woman show or what? Crow: Ehh, Gypsy was much better at it. >[Marller and Keiichi are in a tangle of flesh. Keiichi, who has >the fiendishly content look on his face, forms the support for >Marller, who 'sits' on his lap. Mike: As he 'lays' on the 'floor' with 'clothes' strewn 'about'. Tom: Keiichi looking fiendish... that IS scary. Crow: First Sayoko, now Marller... Keiichi's having quite a birthday, isn't he? Joel: Yeah, can't imagine how he'll top this next year. >Their hands are ... ahem... everywhere.] Joel: That is just so... Zen. Crow: No it ain't. Zen would be Belldandy going ape with an axe as Marller proves how great a girlfriend for Keiichi she'd be. Joel: Oh yeah. >[Close-up of Marller. Her eyes barely open and her smile seductive.] Mike : "I'm feeling extra frisky tonight, join us?" Tom : "Aww, man! Why didn't you TELL me you were British?! Just a sec, I have the number of a good orthodontist..." Joel: Is it just me, or does Marller seem plastered off of her gourd as well? Mike: The Sayoko effect continues to spread. Crow: Maybe she really did spike the beer. >Marller: What women won't do for power? Tom: Watch a entire episode of the Three Stooges? WITHOUT complaining? >end pt.b r2 >----- Joel: Load pt.c r3.a o-94 Tom: Syntax error. Unable to load. Crow: Goto 5040; print "The End" Mike: Nice try. >Marller: MA-DOU-KEN!! Tom : "Video games... is there anything they CAN'T teach today's impressionable youth?" >[Marller blasts Urdar and a good portion of the room away.] > >Marller: Damn! That wasn't enough! Reload me!! Mike : "Put a torpedo in my tube! Give me more rounds! DO IT NOW!" Crow : "I canna do it, Capt'n! Your engines canna take the strain!" >[Scene cut to Keiichi, wearing Spaceship Yamato's uniform, in the >Wave Motion Cannon control room where the Driver is being loaded to >the Barrel. Joel: He's much more believable as Akito on the Nadesico, in my humble opinion. Crow: It is just me or is this fic getting a little silly? Tom: What was the first clue? The Capcom attacks or the Voltron ripoff... err, "homage"? >Keiichi - Ai Ay, Captain!] Mike: Sounds more like Chekov than Scotty... especially if he would've said "Keptin". >Marller: She'll play smarter this time. Hold me steady and wait >for my signal. Crow : "Damn it, Keiichi, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead!" Mike : "Can it. Just give me a red shirt, I want off this crazy fic!" Joel : "Dream on, George Jetson!" >[Keiichi holds Marller like Stallone holding a M-16, still pumping >and with the widest grin of his life. Tom: Aww man, now I won't EVER be able to watch a Stallone action flick again. Just thinking of the things he's theoretically doing to his guns... ICK! Mike: Wait up here... if Keiichi's still pumping, does that mean Marller's more like an air gun? Joel: Keiichi Morisato IS the Perfect Weapon! >Keiichi - yes, master.] Tom : "A BRAIN... MY MASTER NEEDS A BRAIN..." Crow : "Hey, watch it!" Joel: What the hell... is he Keiichi Feldman now?! >[A darting shadow speeds across the yard.] Mike: [falsetto] Fast as fast can be, nobody can catch me! Tom: Hey! It's the Jackalope! We missed ya, buddy! >Marller: Steady.... steady .... NgAAAAAAHHHhh!! (translation - >NOW!!) > >Keiichi - ! Crow: Mind if we join ya, Keiichi? Tom : "When this fic is over, I'm going to have a nice long talk with my agent...." >[Urdar is again engulfed in Marller's blaze. She again jumps back, >stumbling a bit this time.] Joel : "Ha! You think your James Brown imitation can stop me now?" Mike : "Just wait! It's not over! We didn't do the "kiss myself" routine!" >Marller: Almost! Give me one more good shot and we can finish >that bitch!! Tom : "Almond-strawberry! Right there in my capuccino! I NEED MY FLAVOR SHOT!!" Crow : "My nose is broken, my eyes are blacked and my lip's a bloody mess! Now crack my jaw and knock her out!" >Marller: .... disappeared. Heh heh, but this will force her >hand....... Mike : "Hey, letgo of my wrist!" >Marller: AAAaaaaAAHh! I never knew being with man can be so >pleasurable! My sweet Keiichi-kun, I'll take you back and have all my >servants have a taste of your ..... Joel : "...key lime pie! It's absolutely heavenly!" >voice - ENOUGH!!!! Marller, this is unforgivable!! Mike: Hey! The Sailor Senshi are here to kick butt and take names! Crow : "How DARE you do this to such a beautiful temple!" >[Marller's eyes gleams.] Joel: Sex appeal! Mike: Marller brushes her eyes with Aquafresh! For that extra sparkle! >Marller: Now we just need a steady aIIIEEE........ WHAT?!! Tom : "Oh! Sorry! Just sat on a pin! I'm okay!" Joel: Like steers to a slaughter, I suppose WE have to find out 'what' as well... Mike: Well said, hombre. >[A premature burst discharges towards the vacant sky. Marller turns >and sees a skeleton, eyes rolled and mouth foaming, beneath her.] Tom : "I really should get my dates some tetanus shots." Crow: Keiichi, NO! Joel: But what a way to go! >Marller: SOUROU!!! (translation - MEN!!. but more literally "Quick >Leak") Crow: Hey, if you're gonna patronize us with translations, at least make it funny! Joel: We could paper Brazil and Guyana with the papers from the Japanese dictionaries of amateur fanfic writers... >I don't need you anymore!! All: I was only kidding! Can't you take a joke! >[Marller takes off from Keiichi, leaving a liquid 'jet stream' >behind.] Joel: She's hosing, she's taking off... She IS Molson! Tom: Ewwwwww, what is this? 'Bite Me! Chameleon' all of a sudden? >[Urdar appears from the room's shadow. She kneels down and places >Keiichi's head on her lap, and caresses his face with her hands.] Mike: Isn't he a skeleton now? Yuck! Tom : "The neck bone's connected to the... Oh, I'm sorry, Keiichi! I couldn't help it!" Crow : "It's Mr. Skullhead! Heehee!" >Urdar: It's my fault, I failed to protect you. You cared for me, and >yet I caused so much misery for you. I don't....... Joel : "Hey! Elton! I see you trying to sneak off the set, we hired you for mood music! Set it up, pronto!" >[Pan back, Keiichi is awake, face down on Urdar's lap, trying to pry >beneath her clothings.] Crow: So much for a touching moment. Joel: I beg to differ, Keiichi's doing a lot of touching. Mike: Ok, I call no 'boning' jokes of any kind. Crow: Or Divinyl impressions either. >[Keiichi in bondage, apparently with Urdar's long belt. A spell >attaches on his forehead.] Tom: ...and sat there for a spell. Crow: So he spontaneously tangled himself in the belt? Joel: They don't call it "safety" for nuttin'. >Keiichi: Help... I'm suffering...... All: Mike: Amen, brother. Joel: And just last week, he was doing Shakespeare in the parking lot. >voice: I'll help you after I save the World. Tom: ...and teach it to sing? Crow : "Or is it revolutionize the world? Damn, I forgot again!" >[At high altitude, covered with only a cape, Marller flys around >searching for her prey.] Crow: Hey! When did this become a nature show?! Mike : "This ainamal is GOAHJUS! Look at its fine feathas!" >voice: Looking for me? Joel : "Searching for me? Trying to find me? Seeking me out?" Mike: Aren't you supposed to be in Parliament? Crow : "Nooo! I won't go back! You can't make me! You can't make me!" >Marller: Ah, there you are! I've heard about the Super Goddess of >Fate, but I'd never thought the bimbos could actually make one. Tom : "Oh, it's easy! Get some eggs, skim milk, some flour, and an oven at 375 degrees!" Mike : "Now, should I add a pinch of sugar for extra sweetness?" Crow : "No, but be sure to add plenty of fresh cream!" >[Urdar, with her belt missing, is also revealing some of her dangerous >curves beneath the garments.] Crow: Joel: You'd better watch out, there's some heavy snow on the peaks. I suggest taking a detour through the valleys and plains until you hit the Black Forest... >Urdar: Marller, do you really want to destroy this world, or are you >doing this just for revenge? Mike : "Would you hold it against me if I said 'kicks'?" >If it's me, I can let you do as you wish, but please spare this land. Crow : "And don't forget to strike this conversation... and please, don't leave. I don't want another split." Joel : "This land is your land, this land is my land...." >Marller: You.....?! HAHAHA.... Yes, I want you! And I want God! >And I want Earth! And in the end I want to turn Yggdrasil into a pile >of firewood!! Tom: Very goal-oriented, she is... Joel: She learned from Bill Gates. Crow : "And I want three airplanes to fly me back to Libya! We also demand two oxen, a lamprey eel, and a football helmet overflowing with cottage cheese!" >And how can anyone stop me?! Joel: Shatter her self-confidence by teasing her mercilessly? Crow: By engaging the choke and letting off on the throttle? Mike: Nope. Tell her to invade Russia. >Urdar: Marller, you've been on Earth as long as I have. Those humans >are just as passionate for love, hate, fear, and joy as any one of the >deities. Tom : "But there's no way they can match our chocolate consumption!" Joel : "Don't jump! You have a lot to live for! Like being cast in BETTER fics, and earning praise and recognition! Don't let this one get you!" >Destroy something so perfectly imprefect won't do you demons any good. Tom : "Okay, then explain how leaving it alone helps us poor unfortunates?" Mike : "You guys have such a foothold in the media industry! Why would you want to give that up?" Crow: Aww, man... the essence of the author's message to the masses. Strap in, fellas. >Marller: BECAUSE I CAN!! Mike: Hey, it's Beakman's first motto. Tom : "I'm the little demon who could!" Crow : "We understand the importance of the twelve steps, Marller, but you've taken them too far!" >Look at these suffering fools down there. They can't tell love from >lust, or fear from cowardice; Crow : "They're so pathetic, they can't tell the difference between cabbage and bok choy!" Mike Or butter from 'I can't believe it's not butter!' Joel: This fic from a hole in their... well, you know. >they work because they'er greedy, and they die because they're tired. >In your words, I'm their savior! AAHAHAHA. Tom: Why bother having delusions of godhood when you're ALREADY a deity?!? Crow : "Yes, you're their savior. Here, I have a handy cross and some nails for you, wanna play "savior" some more?" >Marller: (at some supernatural volume) HEY YOU PATHETIC PEOPLE DOWN >THERE! IN ONE MINUTE YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE WOULD BE OVER! BE >GRATEFUL!! Mike : "SKIP IT! WE'VE SEEN ID4 AND IT'S BEEN DONE!" Tom: Holy crap! Marller's a Vogon! Joel : "These things always happen on a Thursday..." >Urdar: I won't allow you to disrupt anymore lives. You have >tormented enough!! Crow: Wouldn't it be great if Dr. F said these very same words? >[Down the streets, by-standers are gathering to witness this unnatural >event. Mike: Ooo-wee! I can see up their skirts! Joel: And if you squint hard enough, you can see the REAL reason... a three-card monte table. >One spectator grabs another passing by. (Insert your favorite cameos >here)] Joel: Okay. I insert Henry Winkler as The Fonz with Patrick Stewart as Professor X. Tom : "Hey Fred! Look up in the sky! Lucy! Come see this!" >Spectator A: Really!! I'm not kidding!! Tom : "Elephants really CAN tap-dance!" Crow : "See? I can still talk normally with my whole fist stuffed in my mouth!" >Spectator B: Let's see..... Ah! Really!! No panties!!!!!!! Joel : "Just chastity belts! You liar!" Mike : "Geez, tone it down! People are staring at US now!" Crow: Should this really be the action of the fic, author? Hmm? >[Back on the sky, both Marller and Urdar prepare their attacks.] Joel: Three goats were gathered, along with roofing tar, a carrot, and the oilpan from a '57 Chevy. Tom: Suddenly we're reading the climax of a Dragon Ball Z fic. Crow: Ironically enough, both of these girls should be locked in a Cell... with me! Mike: Lay off the prison movies, Crow. >Marller: All those years, I can finally settle the scores........ Tom: This is a veritable symphony of pain. Crow: I note your protest, and find that it comes up flat. Joel: Rest it, guys. >[Back in the temple.] > >voice: Belldandy..... Onii-saaan (big brother) ..... anyone home? Mike : "Look... SOMEONE ordered a large pepperoni pizza with anchovies and coconuts, and I'm gonna get my money!" Tom: Oh no! Run for it Megumi! Save yourself before you're merged with Urdar as well! Joel : "See, it makes a giant sucking sound..." >voice: Ah! What a mess!! Senpai's are playing with explosives >again. Crow: It's a bigger mess when the author plays with Japanese, as shown here. Tom: "New type thou?" Did the author recently get home from a Ren fest or what? >voice: It's onii-san!! What kind of party joke is this?! On your >birthday too!! Mike : "You used to be content with whoopee cushions! What's happened to you?" Tom : "The fly in the ice cube gag, now THAT'S a quality party joke!" Joel : "So the bondage fairy stripper was going just a *bit* too far?" >[Megumi removes the spell on Keiichi's head (which says 'Do not open >til Christmas'). He shows her the biggest grin she's ever seen.] Crow: Megumi must be quite the sorceress if she's able to remove a Goddess's time-stamp spell. Joel : "Hmmmm, either you had sex recently or got a faceful of Joker's 'Smile-X' gas...." Tom : "Did you see This Hour Has 22 Minutes tonight? That show is such a laugh riot!" >Keiichi: Megumi-chan. Would you please take off this rope? I want >to show you something. Crow: When magic tricks go horribly wrong... Tom & Mike : "Boo! You're not supposed to let your ASSISTANT free you! Boo! What would Penn and Tell... er... Penn say?" >[moments later] > >Megumi: Ah heh heh ...... oni-san what are you thinking? Joel : "I'm thinking YOU'RE hiding my dahling!" *ZAP!* >[Megumi drags backwards; Keiichi crawls in advance.] Tom: She's smoking a cigarette in reverse? What a talent! Joel: Keiichi's having a 'Nam flashback? >Keiichi: I'm thinking how long we've known each other and not know >each other.... Tom: Oh BROTHER, talk about the OLDEST line in the book! Mike: He's now a man, he's entitled to fail miserably like the rest of us... Joel: *sniff* They grow up so fast. >Megumi: Yeah, few BROTHERS really know about their SISTERS. And I'm >glad they respect their privacies..... heh heh Mike : "Except when they need toilet paper, of course..." Tom: What just zinged by Megumi's ear? Oh, that was a clue. Crow: Would SOMEONE please explain why Megumi's not doing her Jackie Joyner-Kersee impression and GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE?! >[Megumi retreats, and Keiichi advances.] Joel: The hell? Are we watching Hogan's Heroes now? Mike: Maybe A&E should be covering this fic? Crow: Jack Perkins never would've survived the Japanese lessons. >Keiichi: I never noticed how similar we are. We eat the same food, >we have the same friends, we even wear the same kind of cloths. Joel : "Which, as we have covered before, is purely a comfort matter!" Crow : "Aww crap, have you been using my clothes to crossdress AGAIN?" Tom : "Geez, you're right! I need a new wardrobe, pronto!" >Megumi: heh heh... maybe that's because we have the SAME PARENTS?! Tom : "And trust me, there's no time I'd rather think I'm adopted than now!" Mike : "I know but shouldn't we have more individuality at this point? We're practically BORG!" >[Megumi retreats, Keiichi advances.] Joel: Boy, the suspense is killing me... no, really, I think I'll die of boredom if they drags on any longer.... Mike: This fanfic's just turned into a giant Moebius strip, hasn't it? >Keiichi: Your eyes.... They're the most beautiful pair I've seen. Crow : "Oh, and the ones on your face look great too." >Megumi: Well.... if you look in the mirror you'll see another pair >just like it..... Tom: You know, the more flimsy the plot point, the more the author has to convince the readers to buy it... Crow: He'll have to be one hell of a saleman at this point. >[etc. etc.] Joel: Etciting? Etcilirating? Hardly. Crow: Etstatic? Yeah, when the fic's over. >Keiichi: Remember in high school, a friend name Hiroshi? You know >why he went to Pittsburgh? Mike: He had to stop Daisuke from stealing their fish? Joel: Maybe it was to find Gary Kleppe and forcing him to pay for back episodes of "Shonen Sunday Theater 3000"? Tom: Must've got directions from Ryouga then. >Megumi: Hiroshi? You mean the one whose sister became an ido... ah! Joel : "Megumi-Sama! I didn't see you come in!" Tom : "Huh?" Joel : "Sucker!" >[Megumi's back is against the wall.] > >Keiichi: The forbidden fruits always taste sweeter..... Mike : "Like the melons, and the cherry..." Crow : "B-but if you do that with me, it'll be a lemon!" Mike : "Oh yeah. 'Kay, wanna play video games instead?" >[His lips land on hers.] Joel: Now that's what I call an illegal forward pass. Crow : "Ew, you kiss like my little brother..." >Urdar: You can't win, Marller. Tom : "The Supreme Power says so." Crow : "God?" Tom : "Nope. Vince McMahon. Ever since he bought out WCW..." Mike: Okay, from one horrid scene back to the first horrid scene. It's almost like getting a pass to a two-ring freak show. >Marller: And I can't lose either!! Another (looks up) 30 seconds and >I shall be Lord, and by then not even the Dragon Knight can save you!! Crow: Why would he? He's too busy taking pictures of half naked maidens! Mike: Wrong Dragon Knight. Crow: Oh. Tom : "No Dragon Knight? How about... a Dragon Slave?" >[Urdar - Oh angels of Heaven and spirits of Earth, in name of Urdar, >the Super Class Unstricted Goddess and guardian of Yggdrasil, I bid >thee to obey my plea. Joel : "Objection! Leading the witness!" Tom: Yggdrasil needing protection? Why doesn't it just spit some bugs out on Marller? >Lend me thy strength, and I shall deter this evil presence.] Crow: Lean on me, and I'll be thy friend! I'll help thee carry on forth! Joel: Urdar's well-versed in dealing with malevolent spirits... just deter them so that they can come back another day! >Marller: Oh yeah!? Watch this!! Mike: Do we have any choice in the matter? >[Marller - I, the Super Class Demon Marller, Keeper of Niflheim and >the Heir of Darkness, command my subjects. Tom : "I shall also command my predicates!" >Surrender your power to me, and I will deliver to Light it's fatal >blow!!] Tom: Why trust FedEx when you can count on Marller? Joel : "Surrender your pronouns so I may pierce them with unnecessary apostrophes!" >[Marller - SHIN!-MA-DOU-KEN!! Urdar - TO-TEN-SEI-I All: ZZZZzzzzz... >(Dipper Turn Star Shift)] {Draw your heart out on this page. (^_^)} Joel: Certainly drawing the readers' patience out. Mike: It's the Star Shift! Four on the floor, baby! Crow: Just when you thought the Universe had automatic transmission... >[Marller's fireball makes an orbit around Urdar's afterglow, Mike: Playing "El Ninjo" all the way. Crow: Okay kids... this is a model of an ACTUAL atom! Tom : "Cool! Now can you walk the dog or rock the cradle?" >whom within seems spent from sheer exhaustion, and comes straight back >for her.] Joel : "Which describes how you're feeling all the time..." Tom: Wait, who's exhausted here? The afterglow? Urdar? Crow: Antecedents! Use 'em! Joel : "Frankly, Captain, I'm exhausted." >Marller: WHUAAA!! > >Marller: Very clever. Using my own attack on me. But this trick >won't work again! Joel : "And coming up next... from the Home Office in Tokyo, Japan: 'Stupid Goddess Tricks!'" Mike: And another poor trick is counted on the unemployment list. Crow : "Ok then, how'd about I pull a rabbit out of my hat?" >Marller: All elements present, and IT IS TIME! Crow: All signs point to yes. Mike: Anyone get the feeling this whole assault was planned out by a Magic Eight-Ball? Joel : "IT'S TIME TO ROCK THE TOKYO DOME!!" Mike & Tom : "Aahhhhhhhhh!" >I, the True Heiress of Underworld, proclaim by this full Moo.... >WHAAAAT !!? Mike: Sadly, the cow wouldn't cooperate and only gave a half moo. Joel: I heard the East German cow gave this a quarter moo. Crow: C'mon, let's not milk this joke any further. Joel: O-kay. Crow: That's butter. >[Marller is pointing at a New Moon.] Tom : "Hey honey, hike up the pants, I can see your smile!" Mike: It was towed here specially from Jupiter! Joel: Suppose it's better than howling at it. >[Urdar sneaks behind Marller and grabs her by her waist.] Crow : "Hmm, size ten..." Tom : "HEY!" Crow : "Now to flip you over and get my two points!" >Urdar: The moment is lost, Marller. Remember I'm the Goddess of >Time? You couldn't possibly win this way. Tom : "Try battling for the curds instead." Mike : "Damn you! Saved by a plot contrivance!" Joel : "You have to cheat and abruptly change the rules of the game to your favor like I did!" >[Marller bursts into tears] > >Marller: You always win, and I always lose!! You're the blessed one! >You get the attentions! Mike : "All I ever get are the detentions!" >Everybody loves you!! I hate you! I hate all of you! And I hate >God.... > >Urdar: I understand, my sister. Joel Cut the existential crap, I'm ranting here! >Marller: .... eh ?! > >Urdar: Our father regretted for not having you around in the family. >But having seen you he felt you'd be happier in Hell. Tom: Seeing as Hell is the big fun playful place of neato brimstone and warm yet toasty flames. Crow: Just like McDonald's Playland! >Marller: THAT IS ..... true. > >Urdar: His daughters all ..... well, most of them ..... heard from >him his "Flight With the Valkyrie" seventy years ago. bit> Tom: God always flies first class. Wonder why... Mike: It's because he saved all his frequent flier miles. >Urdar: He remembers. Crow : "Granted, sometimes all of Heaven is papered with Post-It Notes, but he'll keep it written down somewhere!" Joel: 3M is My Megami-sama's Messages! >[Scene cut. View of bottom half of a throne, a pair of male legs are >topped by several unclothed female ones. Mike: Failed avenues of creationism. Tom : "Maybe if I put a bunch of hands together instead..." Crow: Creating the first octopus, which was dropped accidentally on a Red Wings hockey game, perpetuating a mandate from the heavens... >voice - Hack-chu! (sneeze)] Joel: Sounds more like a hairball. Mike : "Can't you girls shave your legs once in a while?" >[Pan away. Urdar crosses her arms around Marller's neck in a very >touching feminine embrace.] Tom : "Exactly how much WILL be touching shall be left up to your horny little gutter-minds!" >Marller: ........... sorry. Tom: This product placement brought to you by Parker Brothers. Crow: You know, the ones before the Mario Brothers. >[Same panel. voices coming from one the darken buildings below. Joel : "Well, can't you feel around for the fuse box?" Mike : "No way! This basement is all full of spiders!" >voice1 - I'm telling you! There are two half-naked woman hugging each >other in mid air!! voice2 - Son, you've studied too hard. Get a >girlfriend tomorrow.] Crow : "Have you forgotten already, Pops? You've engaged me to two girls! And there are two others out for my head, if not my hand in marriage!" Mike: It's hard to try NOT to care about these cameo characters with names like 'Voice' and 'Spectator'... >[We are now looking down at the shrine room floor. Tom: Why bother, when Mike's navel lint is so much more interesting? >Keiichi's naked upper torso on top of Megumi's. They are enjoying >the "Good Vibration" as if you couldn't imagine.] Mike : "Keiichi! I never knew you loved using my vibrator too!" >[Upper panel. Close-up side view of Keiichi. Crow "He has a mole about five inches underneath his armpit, with three long hairs growing out of it." Joel: When descriptions go a BIT too far. >Sweat dripping and all, yet looking very earnest at what he's doing.] Joel : "Hey, Megumi... it's Ernest! KnowhutImean?" >Keiichi: , , , Tom: Suppose he's trying to get a pardon from Louis XVI too? Crow: I think he's named all of the key animators from Kodansha. Mike: Either that or pointing out the more salient features of a camel. >[Lower panel. Same close-up view of Megumi, who is apparently out of >her wits.] Joel: Especially if she's out of her birth-control pills. Mike: Of all the people that should be sweating bullets, it should be Megumi. >Megumi: I love you I love I can run away and get marri > save our parents some money and have three kids >and call them Shinzo and Shinji and Shin (translation - >... saaaaa) Tom: What's up here? Is Megumi getting electroshock to induce enjoyment of the incest? Crow: Itchaataaaaaaa means "saaaaa" in Japanese? Better file away for future reference, never know when you'll need it. >{make sure the 'dialogues' are properly aligned between the panels. >^_^} Crow: And don't forget to properly align the riffs between sentences for maximum comedic effect. >[Keiichi gets off her. Megumi is still babbling.] > >Megumi: ...and when people ask me I can say I'm a housewife and my >name is Morisato Megumi and I can have all my parents grandchildren >..... zzzzz Tom: Isn't it supposed to be the guy who rolls over after everything's done? Crow: Why are you asking those two? Tom: Yeah, good point. >Keiichi: Shit! I have to live in one place in Tokyo that has no >cigarettes. Crow: Ironically enough, it's got more than its share of dopes though. Tom: [singing] They're all stars now... in the dope show... >Well, maybe senpais left some. Mike: Free cigarette deliverymen in Japan? Wow. Joel: It's better than the cigar deliverymen. They get mad when you leave a tip. >[Keiichi walks into a dark room, and bumps into a shadow.] Tom: I call foul! There's no light to cast shadows in a dark room! Crow: What, did he fall face-first onto the ground then? Mike : "Hey! I knocked him down, give me a count!" >Keiichi: Ouch! Hey somebody still here? Joel: Unfortunately, us. Crow: Mind wrapping it up soon? The janitors are getting impatient. >[The shadow's hands emit warm glows, revealing vaguely Urdar's >outline. Tom : "O-hohohohohohoho!!" Mike: And in an amazing plot twist, the silhouette develops two large bumps about eye level and starts laughing much like Kodachi... Tom: Like we need to drag Naga into this. >With wave of her hands, several more glows fan out to illuminate the >deserted room.] Crow: Hey! Where'd the actors go? Joel: Sudden scene changes... just say no. >Urdar: Keiichi-san, it's not like you to have done that too a >girl..... Tom : "But I don't remember coming out of the closet... Joel: Must be the whole Kevin Cline thing. >Keiichi: Yeah!? So what about that!? > >Urdar: ... you should have stayed in Megumi when you finished. Mike : "Why? I'm not multi-orgasmic." Joel : "I *knew* I should have hollowed her out and lived in her..." >[Keiichi gets blown backwards. (ie. gag)] Crow: I always thought it was called a facefault. Tom: Someone give this fic the Heimlich! Can't you see it's choking? >Keiichi: SO I FUCKED MY OWN SISTER!! I've sinned and I liked it. Mike: So much for "the devil made me do it"... Crow: For shame, Keiichi! Those kinds of words! Joel: Yet, you didn't protest even once during the incest. Crow: It's a matter of degree. >Give me a day .... make that a week.... and I'll do it again! Crow: So much for going strong and going all night long. Joel : "On the outside, ask me next year!" >And who the ...... > >[Urdar presses her lips on Keiichi's. Apparently she's a whole foot >taller than he is.] Tom: I've heard of six-armed goddesses, but not three-footed ones. Joel : "The extra one is for good luck!" Mike : "Silly me, I thought it was a spare." >Keiichi: Sorry honey. I'm too tired tonight. Maybe some other >time...... Crow : "I gotta open the Ucchan, sugar. Can I make you an okonomiyaki before I go?" Mike : "Some other time, some other place... when I'm not quite as OOC and you're back to Belldandy, Urd, and Skuld... after all, incest is bad enough. I'm not a child molester." >Urdar: Marller's Seed of Evil has taken root in you. I can't >extract it from your mouth anymore, so I'll have to go from the route >Marller took. Tom: *SNAP*! Mike : "Now bend over, dear. This won't hurt a bit. Especially if you've been to the proctologist before." >[Urdar bends down.] > >Keiichi: Hey hey, what are you doing? Joel: Poor Keiichi. He hasn't the slightest idea how the author wants him to act anymore. Tom : "And don't you get Old Weird Harold and Russell involved in this, hey hey hey!" >[Narration - Despite Keiichi's earlier 'extracurricular activities', >the tongue of a Super Class Goddess is nonetheless blowing his mind >away.] Joel: Illustrating why you should NEVER have a Super Class Goddess lick inside your ear. Tom: If I may make a suggestion, he needs more brains rather than less. >[Urdar lies Keiichi on his back, whose eyes (and something else) stare >straight into the ceiling. Joel : Hey, check it out... I have x-ray vision! >She then positions herself on top, resting her hands on Keiichi's >chest, and look into his eyes.] Mike : "Did you remember to take the garbage out?" Tom : "Nope. Tamiya and the gang are still passed out in the front room." >Urdar: Keiichi-san. I have waited for this moment for a long time. >I, all of me, love you. Joel: Including all of her personalities. Tom : "My left wrist loves you, my sternum loves you, and my armpit absolutely cannot do without you." >[View of cityscape, and a big 'NGYAAaaaaah' is heard throughout.] Mike : "Da-CHA!" Crow *ZZZap!* Joel : "No, Lum... don't! No more! NGYAAAAAaaaaaaaaaggghh!" >[Aoshima, who is in the middle of an n-way session, raises his >head from some snatch.] Crow : "What, is it dinnertime already?" Tom : "And here we see the results of a successful hunt, as the male lustfully raises his head above the trophies of the hunt and bellows a hearty roar." >Aoshima: Now that's the biggest cherry pop I've ever heard. Tom: What did they use then? Cherry Coke or Wild Cherry Pepsi? Crow: Cherry the monk, finally tired of making excuses for all the vagaries of fate, decides to end it all by swallowing a grenade. >[A blurry vision begin to focus. Keiichi sees Urdar on top of him, >still staring down.] Mike : "Was it good for you? It was good for me, me, and me! Joel : "When I dreamed of a four-way, I never expected one like this..." >Keiichi: Who are ..... Bellu-chan? Urd?! Skuld?! Am I dreaming? Joel : "No, Keiichi, and you are wrong. The correct response was 'Who are Winken, Blinken, and Nod.'" Tom: Sure, if you call hallucinations "dreams". >Urdar: Yes, yes, yes, and no comment. Mike: She'd make a great politician. >I'm glad you're feeling better. > >Keiichi: If I'm dreaming this, why is my @^%! feeling so awfully good >right now? Joel: The author went all the way to incestual sex and won't divulge the meaning of the random symbols? >I'm afraid if I wake up my bed would be wet. Crow: It looks like a certain somebody needs to invest in some Pull-Ups! Mike: Brave man, he'd rather sleep in it. >Urdar: It's not often a goddess consummates with a human. The >privilege is mine. > >Keiichi: I think I have endulged enough of your service. Shouldn't >we..... Tom: The true meaning of "Goddess Relief Office" finally comes to light. Mike: Run by the goddess Fleiss, of course. Crow : "But service is our business!" >Urdar: Oh no, I sense more trances of poison. Joel: Oh that nutty poison, always getting hypnotized. Mike : "I used a 'scan' spell and I also see you need a Potion to go with that antidote! Your hit points are dangerously low!" >I must continue till they're all gone. > >Keiichi: .... (gulp) really? Crow : "As long as you don't mind me sleeping, I'm completely worn out." Mike: Nothing outlasts the Energizer goddess. >Urdar: Now now, a Super Class Unrestricted Goddess can't lie. Tom: But they're doing a hell of a job stretching the truth right now. >[Urdar rests her head on Keiichi's shoulder. Turned to the audience >and away from Keiichi, she makes a face only Urd could.] Mike : "Bii-dah!" Joel: It warms my heart to see the author hasn't forgotten us. >Keiichi: OOOOoooooohh....... > >[Narration - From the Norse legends, or so was written, a Goddess's >womb can be a billion times more devistating than her mouth.] Joel: Well, at least the legends written by those old, lame, and snowblind Vikings. Tom: And if he passed out the first time, what happens next? A three- month coma? Crow: Don't forget Sandra Bullock. >[Scene white out.] Crow: We could've used some of that. Joel: Michael Nesmith's mother, won't you help us? >[Keiichi wakes up, and sits up slowly, holding his neck.] Mike : "BACK OFF! I SWEAR, I'LL SQUEEZE!" Joel: He's gonna strain his abdominal muscles that way... Tom: Hasn't anyone taught him how to do a stomach crunch properly? >Keiichi: Oh god I'm sore all over. > >[Then he (we) notices Belldandy, in her normal costume, kneeling >besides the bed.] Crow : "Dang, slut, dinchoo get 'nuff last night?" Tom: Oh, it's cute! She's cosplaying! >Belldandy: Good morning and happy birthday, Keiichi-san. > >Keiichi: Oh, that's right, Tuesday is my Birthday. I can't believe >the senpais made me join the demolition derby on my last teen >day....... Crow: Gee, Keiichi, now that you're an adult now, why don't you tell them where to stick it? >Belldandy: Did you have terrible dreams last night? > >Keiichi: Oh yeah, it was terrible! Tom : "I was having sex with an insatiable goddess and she never did stop! Man, those were some awful dreams!" Crow: May your tongue be coated with boils for saying such a thing, Tom. Tom: Not me! Keiichi! Crow: Whomever. >I...... I? I don't remember. I think I did some terrible things, >but what?! Joel: Try as you might Keiichi, but if we have to be stuck with the incest image we're not letting you forget either. Mike : "I have the distinct feeling I shot the sheriff, but couldn't shoot any of his underlings." >[Top panel. Eyes only. They're focused to each other.] Tom : "Second from the top line, Keiichi." Mike : "Umm... E... U... W... N... B." Tom : "Remind me to order you new contacts." >Belldandy: Keiichi-san > >[Middle panel. Mouths only. They're approaching.] Tom: To give a big wet kiss to the audience! Thank you, you've been great! Don't forget to tip your waitress! Joel: Almost... >Belldandy: ..... thank you. > >Keiichi: eh? Crow : "No, I'm not here to thank A. I'm here to thank U!" Mike: This fic has been sponsored by the letters N and C, and the number 17. >[Bottom panel. From necks to floor. Apparently they're engaging in >a kiss. Joel: Apparently. Crow: You can almost taste the saliva. >Out of Keiichi's view and behind Belldandy's back, she holds a box of >Kleenex (tissue).] Mike: As opposed to a box of Kleenex cookies. Tom: I have faith that Belldandy could cook those and have them turn out tasty anyway. Crow: I wouldn't have minded seeing that Belldandy in this fic. >Keiichi: .......... ? Joel : "What is kiss?" > > the end!!!!!!! Mike: Nothing but empty promises, y'know. Tom: Don't remind me. >----- Crow: Quit feeding us lines! Joel: Even worse than my HP printer. >It is customary for creators of dojinshis to add some of his personal >BS in the contents Mike: It's also usually customary for people to skip those pages unless they're completely bored. Tom: Boring Stuff? Bang Stick? Crow: Bear Shank. >(which people who paid good money not wanting to read, but this is >free, so HA!). The reasons for that are manyfold, but mainly it gives >a forum for the author to communicate his innermost feelings otherwise >left out in the manga interpretation. Joel: Therefore, implying that there's some little bit of the author that we still haven't seen. Tom : "And here's my feelings... I'm hungry." >NO, seriously, it's for me to BS and boost my egos. Mike: Wonder if the author's got Urdar in his brain a bit too much. Crow: I can't shake the feeling that this is a Freudian's dream. >I received some encouraging emails after posting pt.a, and some >suggestions (ie. not so encouraging emails) for pt.b. Tom: I can't imagine what they'd be protesting. Crow: The senseless cameos? Tom: Okay, that too. >Hopefully I've kept what is 'essential'. The originally short parody >turned into a 20 pg. beast, Mike: ...at which time, the Japanese Self-Defense Forces were called. Lo and behold, their last defensive line broke and it invaded America. Joel: In the early days of internet fanfiction, "parody" must've meant "fan-service". >and Iain S. (ie. Ax on #anime!) is the only one on this planet crazy >enough to WANT to draw this thing. Which shows how reading too much >manga can impair common sense........ :-P Crow: Especially if it's labelled "Viz" in the corner. Tom: Confirming that this piece did NOT in fact keep tongue in cheek. >A common complaint I got for pt.b was "Where's the beef?" Hope you >all enjoyed the Wendy's Burger that followed. Joel: If this was a Wendy's Burger, I can only imagine Dave Thomas's face. Mike: Remind me to go after a Caesar side-salad next time. >Ax, if you are reading this, give me feedback. I wrote more than I >should so some could be hacked, and you have my permission to hack in >any desirable way you like. Tom: Introducing the new form of environmental torture, the hack-and- slash fanfic! Joel: Chucky's back... and this time, he's brought Freddy and Jason. >I used New Order as BGM, and put Bizarre Love Triangle on auto-repeat >on my CD player. By time I finished this I must have heard that >song some 200 times. Joel : "I wonder if it was a coincidence that the walls were crawling with huge fanged Funky Winkerbeans..." Crow: And some people say that today's youth wastes their time. Mike: Not like we have any place to talk. >Still don't know what it means, but that's what Marller was supposedly >dancing to. Crow: And here we were thinking she was doin' the Hokey Pokey. >And finally, this fucker is done. Now the monkey is off my back and >on somebody else's. AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. (God I love Marller.) Mike: Truly bedtime for Bonzo. Crow : "Now, if only I could shake off this yak and the two orangutans..." >d.n.a.b. Blame it on AIMAP >1/25/93 Mike: An Ipecac Meat and Pasta? Joel: Speaking of ipecac, would you guys enjoy some release as well? Mike: Sure! The only way for this fic to survive is for it to BE a doujin, because the author relied a lot on visual and UNSEEN effects carrying the humor. Tom: Not only that, in one humble robot's opinion, the incest could've been cut out. Keiichi has others that would be more than happy to go after him than his sister, and not having to deal with that scene again would give me some piece of mind. Crow: And, for our final trick... how to give a cabbit a colonic! Tom: Mind taking me away from that little sicko? Mike: Be my pleasure. -Satellite of Love- "Man, to be defeated so easily by such a plot contrivance. I don't know about you guys, but I'd be rather annoyed," Tom commented. Joel smiled. "I'd agree. To just change the day of the week like that... why didn't 'Urdar the Mighty' do that to begin with anyway?" "And spare us all of the anguish of having to read through multiple sexual situations and UPN-style comedy? Hah." Mike looked at the desk to see the red button flashing crazily. He activated the video link, and saw a maddened Frank. "And here I thought I was the one that was crazy. I remember May twenty-sixth in 1992! Here I thought having two Tuesdays in a week was bad enough, but I also remember that as one of the best days of my life!" Frank cried, nursing yet another bowl of ice cream. "What do you mean, Frank?" Tom couldn't resist adding. "What do I mean? WHAT DO I MEAN?! On that Sunday, I woke up to see Cindy Crawford making my breakfast! Then I got word that Bill Clinton was looking for a solid #2 man, and he was considering nominating me for the Vice-Presidency! Not only that, I had the best game of "Wolfenstein" that I ever played! But that's not the worst part..." Frank took a deep breath, and started sobbing. "Now now, honey... what is it?" Crow asked. "Arby's called... and they offered to put me into management training! No more second-banana Frank! But no, these goddesses come around and ruin MY GREAT SUNDAY and turn it into a TUESDAY! I'll be an assistant, a sidekick, FOREVER!" By now, Frank's crying jag reached the choking and sniffling stage, and he ran offscreen with his arm over his eyes. He passed Dr. Forrester and almost knocked him over trying to get away from the screen. Dr. Forrester looked puzzled. "Now *that* was unexpected. And he's the one that's supposed to be helping me be evil. Oh well..." Dr. F's attention was drawn to the screen, where two robots and two humans were still gawking. "And don't forget, Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, I have more fics just like that." Mike chuckled. "So the ultimate goal is to torture your assistant?" "No! Well, I'm supposed to do that at any rate," Dr. F mused. He called, "Hey Frank... push the button!" "You do it! I'm bitter!" "Oh, fine. A mad scientist's work is never completely finished. Wonder if Frank left any Pralines and Cream..." **POOF** o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na.." All comments and criticism gratefully accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com Author's ramblings: After I bragged about doing one MST not eight weeks after another, this one took more than double that time. I wish I could've called this a labor of love, but there were times that I'm not sure it would've ever been finished. So many times this was bogged down... it was really testing my personal opinion that anything can be MSTed if worked on hard enough. But I prevailed, thankfully. I wish I remember what the hell I did with my May 26 in 1992. Oh well... Grateful thanks go to Megane 6.7, who not only gave me this fic to MST, he still does a great job of going through my MSTs with me riff-by-riff, suggesting some and dropping others. I sometimes wonder if I write them anymore, other than the host segments... he always seems to come up with at least one great suggestion for every riff. Check out his latest MST, "The Io Saga", for some great laughs! The next fic's picked and ready to go... and also, watch for changes to the website! Dot Every T Productions has had a series of creative projects fall into our collective laps. Watch for "The House of Ikari", coming soon... along with another NGE MST, this time a crossover with Ranma 1/2, entitled "A Little Change of Plans". We like to think of it as group MSTing at its finest, and invite you to agree or disagree as you'd like. As for those website changes, we'll probably have a Dot Every T page made up by the time those MSTs are published. I also offer the people of Dot Every T thanks for allowing me to work with them as my projects lay unfinished. I would like to invite dnab to read this, but have not the slightest clue how to, since I never saw an email address. I hope I haven't offended you, dnab. And be sure to check out http://www.nabiki.com/mst This site, "A MSTing For All Seasons", is Megane's and my MST homepage, where you can find a wide range of great MSTs! Also there, you can find out about the FFIRC and their MST projects, a map of the (now defunct, but still in our hearts) FFML subscribers, and all-around general craziness. Last note... I'm getting married the ninteenth of May of this year. If you folks don't hear from me for a week afterward, you'll know why. ^^ Special Thanks To: Teachers of America (and the world) The Authors of the 1st Amendment The Wonderful People at KTMA-23 ACS (American Cancer Society) >[Skuld's toy blows a puff of hot air which, if anything, curls up an >afro for Marller.] Keep Circulating the Fanfics...