"Captain Universe and the Sailor Scouts" (I think) MSTed by Kuanna and Lucas Bates Just a little blurb, folks! This is truly one of the worst fanfics I've ever set eyes on. It's... well, I'll let you see for yourself. Fortunately it's quite short. Standard disclaimer: Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is owned by Best Brains Inc., and I hope they don't mind my using their characters and settings. Sailor Moon created by Naoko Takeuchi. Normally, this would be the place where I'd say I was doing this in good fun. Considering this particular piece, though, I think I'll go right ahead. (It is night on the Satellite of Love. The control room is dark and empty, and the only sound to be heard is the gentle hum of the machinery. Outside, the stars twinkle brightly in the black emptiness of space. All is peaceful and at rest.) (Suddenly, a red light on the wall begins flashing. A few seconds later, an ear drum-shattering electronic screech rips throughout the Satellite) BEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEP! (pause) BEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEP! (There is a groan, then Mike wearily staggers onscreen. He is wearing only a pair of boxer shorts, the same shade as his jumpsuit, with little Ryo- Ohkis all over them. He is soon followed by Tom, Gypsy, and Crow, wearing a white nightcap.) MIKE: (rubs his eyes and looks around him) Awright, what the hell is going on here? GYPSY: I think it's the fire alarm. TOM: Fire alarm? On a SATELLITE? GYPSY: Why not? You can never be too careful. CROW: (snickering) By the way, Mike, nice boxers. MIKE: (blushing) Umm... everything else is in the laundry. Yeah, that's it... would you stop laughing?! BOTS: (Burst out laughing) MIKE: Hmmph. Anyway, Gypse, I'd like to get some sleep. Is there any way to turn that damn thing off? GYPSY: Not from here, Mike. Dr. Forrester insisted that the main switch be installed in Deep 13. I think the two fire systems are connected... (pause) Oh dear, I hope they're alright! BOTS: WHY? MIKE: Typical. Just typical. I guess we don't have a choice. (pushes button) (DEEP 13) (The underground laboratory looks dreary as ever, in fact even more so with all the lights and inventions turned off. Doctor Forrester is dressed in lime green pajamas, and his spiky hair and mustache are both singed badly. He is yelling something at t.v.'s Frank, who is cowering in the corner.) DR.F: Now Frank, I've told you a thousand times that we do not let off fireworks in the lab... YOU MORON! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF! FRANK: (whiny) But I thought you'd like it... DR.F: (turns to the console) Awake, Nelson? I know this isn't the appointed time, but since you seem so eager for an experiment, I think I'll just send you one! (SoL) ALL: (monotone) Yay. (DEEP 13) DR.F: It's a real stinker, too... but I'll let you see for yourself! Send them the 'fic, Frank! FRANK: (whimpering) Are you going to hurt me? DR.F: Yes, I will, IF YOU DON'T SEND THAT DAMNED FANFIC ON THE DOUBLE! (sigh) Good help is so hard to find these days... FRANK: Yes, sir! (hurriedly pushes button) (SoL) MIKE: AAAHHHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! (ALL run around in little circles screaming their heads off) (Insert door sequence) (Mike and the 'bots enter the theatre and take their seats.) MIKE: Hey, where's the title? TOM: And the author's snivelling excuses for writing this trash? CROW: Apparently his budget ran out. This is a story based in TOM: Technicolour! another world where a young man returns to the role of a super hero once more to MIKE: Get smashed drunk? CROW: Get laid? TOM: Finally cash in his Subway coupon? combat evil the way he sees fit. MIKE: Take it out to dinner and a movie. TOM: I'm not going to bother here. It's too easy. There are beings you may have never heard of in this world but some are good and some are very evil. CROW: Like this fanfic. TOM: Like live action Hyperdolls! ALL: (shudder) The Return of A Hero. CROW: Superman he's not. MIKE: Just a wannabe... ALL: (singing) If you wannabe my lover... A young man is running from something he would only believe to be in his dreams. CROW: A Playboy bunny? TOM: But who would willingly run away from that? MIKE: Down, boys.. He's wearing a blue shirt and white pants MIKE: He's a preppie! CROW: But that's not Mark-Paul Gosselaar! along with a necklace that bears a blue and white emblem TOM: A fleur-de-lis? CROW: How about that? He's a separatist! and black leather jacket draped over his right shoulder. He has brown eyes and hair, he just moved to this place with his dog earlier in the day MIKE: Promise we'll always be together, Fido? CROW: I promise! Now gimme a smooch. TOM: (makes gagging sounds) and never thought to encounter a monster his first night out looking aroung the city. CROW: Since when did Bill Clinton leave Washington? I have to get away from this thing CROW: Before I lose my virtue! MIKE: Crow... and get to an open area to get some help CROW: A phone-sex line? MIKE: Crow, do you need a time-out? and if I can't find help I'll have to TOM: Call Madonna! MIKE: Tom, don't you start... fight this thing by myself. BOTS: (in unison) Control your urges, young man! Ohh, the nerve of youth these days! MIKE: (holds up a shotgun) Keep at it. I'm reloading. CROW: Aw, you're no fun, Mike. I thought MIKE: That thought must feel pretty lonely up there! TOM: Wait a minute... 'I'? MIKE: Yep, I do believe we have... ALL: SELF-INSERTION! AARRRGGGGHHH!! turning down a street and running into the lot of a temple. CROW: (temple) Hey, that's my lot! Get your own, you parasites! " Jason your energy will help my caussse." the monster hissed " to help my master conquer the Earth and the rest of the Universe." TOM: Hey, that's Doctor F's cause! CROW: Copycats! TOM: No originality anymore... "Never I'd rather die than help any force of evil." MIKE: Yet you're helping Dr. F by starring in this godawful 'fic. TOM: You liar! I shouted falling on my side TOM: And ripping himself to shreds, leaving a trail of crimson blood. MIKE: Feeling a little dark today, Tom? after dodging the monster's blast. MIKE: Of hot air? "You won't have to if we have anything to say about it." CROW: Take a number and get in line! We called dibs. called a voice from the darkness of the temple. Five girls each supporting the same outfit with only minor changes in hair & outfit color along with hair styles came running out of the temple doors. MIKE: The Super Spice Girls? BOTS: (singing) Cashing in by moonlight! Singing crappy songs by daylight... In the lead was a blond haired girl, her hair done up with two buns MIKE: Raisin buns? Yummy. CROW: Hey stupid! They're meatballs. Do you hear me? Meatballs! TOM: (snickers) Fanboy. CROW: Oh, shut up, Servo. on each side of the girls head and each bun ALL: How many times do we have to tell you? MEATBALLS! had a pony tail that reached down to the ground. TOM: Which begs the question of why Usagi isn't tripping over it. CROW: ..more often. Her outfit was white the only color the girls shared, MIKE: (Rei) That's my colour! You give it back! CROW: You mean they still have *their* virtues? MIKE: Crow! with a red bow tie on her chest MIKE: Ah, a present for Mamo-chan. How sweet. with what looked like a locket in the center, TOM: Ah, a present FROM Mamo-chan. How sweet. CROW: No, that's Chibi-Usa. TOM: Fanboy! CROW: I wouldn't talk, Servo Ranger! TOM: Stop calling me that! I've never watched the show in my life. MIKE & CROW: (clear throats noisily) a small blue skirt started at the bottom of the white suit ending at midthigh and red knee high boots, she also wore a blue collar. CROW: Ooh, kinky! Bondage! MIKE: That's it! Tom, hand me the duct tape. (Mike and Tom proceed to grab Crow and tape his beak shut) MIKE: There, that oughta hold him for a while. The girl on her right had long flowing black hair with a red skirt and neck collor TOM: What's a *collor*? MIKE: Sounds like a robot's name from a bad sci-fi movie. TOM: And we've got experience, folks. A whole decade of them! CROW: Mph! MIKE: Look, it's Kenny from South Park! , a purple bow on her chest TOM: As well as a lot more. CROW: (chews through duct tape) (Sailor Mars) Mako! What're you doing on my breasts? MIKE: We've got to get a stronger brand of tape smuggled up here. with a red crystal in the middle of the bow,and a pair of red high heels. TOM: And we're still wondering how she runs! MIKE: The same way the Knight Sabers manage. The girl on the lead's left CROW: And she's coming up to the net! She's handling that puck magnificiently... Ooh, score! ALL: (clap and cheer) supported the color blue MIKE: (Ami) There, there, Bluey. It's okay. even her shoulder length hair. The next girl supported the color green CROW: What is this, a freakin' psychiatric care ward? with a pink bow, hair tied up in a pony tail and sneaker heels. TOM: What the hell is a "sneaker heel"? MIKE: I don't know, but the author'd better be wearing them when we catch up with him. Finally in the rear CROW: Eww! How'd we get there? was a girl supporting the color orange MIKE: Euthanasia! We need to put these poor colours to rest. TOM: Call Dr. Kevorkian! with long blonde hair, CROW: (Valley girl) Whoa, man, I'm a magical girl. Wicked cool! a red bow tied into it, MIKE: (confused) But I thought Usagi gave herself to Mamoru already. TOM: Ooh, a love triangle! Cool! CROW: Who needs Mamoru? I call lemon scene with Usagi and Minako! MIKE: Oh come on, as if there aren't a thousand of those out there already. At least be original, Crow. a blue bow on her chest TOM: I never knew the Senshi took archery lessons. with an orange crystal in the center. "We are the Sailor Scouts and we will punish you on the behalf of the Moon." Called Sailor Moon, "On the Behalf of Mars" Sailor Mars Shouted, "On the Behalf of Mercury" continued Sailor Mercury, TOM: Tell me, since when have the planets ever cared? On the Behalf of Jupiter" Sailor Jupiter added, MIKE: But she still had trouble multiplying. "And On the Behalf of Venus" Sailor Venus finished. CROW: Finished? That means it's over! (heads for the door) MIKE: Get back here, Crow. CROW: Oh, poopie. "I come here to fight this thing hoping know one was around and you Scouts show up." TOM: You'll all have to be killed. Bwahahaha! MIKE: Careful, Tom, or I'll fix your dark humour modulator again. TOM: (whimpers) CROW: Mike! Now you've gone and scared poor Servo. I said glad to know I had allies here already, MIKE: 'Allies'? How does he figure? ALL: (chanting) Kill him.... Kill him.... "I hope the Universe power shows up so I can help you guys." MIKE: Huh? 'Universe power'?! TOM: Since when has the Universe cared, for that matter? MIKE: Enough, Tom. You're getting too cynical, even for me. The look on their faces proved they thought I was nuts CROW: We sure do! but they'll find out soon that I'm telling the truth. CROW: No, he's a pathological liar! TOM: And a self-inserted character. MIKE: Aren't the two synonymous? "Well then big guy where is the is Universe power?" asked Sailor Moon TOM: She sounds like she's trying to hit on him or something. MIKE: For God's sake, Tom, don't give him any ideas! as she delivered a kick to the monster's stomach. CROW: Moon Delivery Service! We'll get your kick to you in under thirty seconds, guaranteed! TOM: Assuming we don't trip over our own feet, that is. Mars came over to help me up MIKE: No, don't help him. Step on him! CROW: Especially with high heels. " Sir you should leave before you get hurt." TOM: Naah, let him stay. As long as he's there, he's a target. CROW: We can only hope. I didn't listen BOTS: (singsong voice) You'll be sorry... I just ran by her CROW: Oh, so Sailor Mars isn't good enough for the great Self-Insert's attention?! and headed straight towards the monster TOM: (Carrot Glaces) Hey Monster-chan! Let's date! MIKE: (Monster) Get away, you hentai! and yelled "Remember to tell your boss TOM: To pay back our gummi bears! CROW: That I desperately want him! MIKE: (grimaces) Well, thank you for that mental image, Crow. CROW: I try. Jason Lee TOM: So now he's trashing Bruce Lee's good name. Has he no shame? MIKE: Tom, what did I tell you about self-insertions? TOM: That they're shameless by definition..ohh.. MIKE: Exactly. will have his justice CROW: Hey, that justice is mine! You thief! for the death of his brother, Ha-Do-Ken." TOM: Okay, now he's definitely infringed on a number of copyrights. CROW: Unleash the lawyers! A fireball came out of my hands ALL: (stare mutely for a few seconds) WHAT?! TOM: He obviously doesn't realize that he's copying Street Fighter II. CROW: Definitely a moron. MIKE: Or a self-insert. Same thing. TOM: We've run that joke into the ground already, Mike. and went sailing towards the monster, ALL: (singing) Sailing, sailing, over the bounding waves... it connected on the monster's chest, sending MIKE: A 'Dear John' letter. TOM: A spam E-mail. CROW: Waves of pleasure coursing through its body. MIKE: Crow... the monster back at least ten feet as it feel with a loud thud. MIKE: How can you feel with a thud? CROW: During orgasm, silly. TOM: You sure fell into that one, Mike. A flash of light came out of the sky MIKE: It's a plasma storm! BOTS: (in unison) Daijobu, Otaru? MIKE: And if you can't pick that up, you're not a true otaku. heading on a collision course with me. ALL: (clap and cheer) CROW: Hey, Servo, you were right. He is a target! TOM: Know'em like the back of my circuit. "Jason lookout!" the scouts shouted. MIKE: Scouts? You mean Power Rangers! CROW: (nudges Tom) Look, a character from your favorite show! TOM: No, Jason hasn't been in the series since the second season..uh.. or so I've heard, anyway. CROW&MIKE: Fanboy! TOM: (sulks) "Its alright I know what it is CROW: The Good Taste Police have finally caught up with him. MIKE: So when are they coming for you, Crow? CROW: Ooh, that was low. MIKE: (whistles cheerfully) and I've been waiting on it to return to me for a long time!" MIKE: His intelligence? TOM: His sanity? CROW: His manhood? I shouted back. MIKE: Marco! BOTS: Polo! The Uni power hit me like TOM: A steel I-beam, killing him instantly. The end. MIKE: We only wish. it did the first time back in my home town of Columbus, Ohio CROW: (indignant) Then why isn't he dead yet? MIKE: 'Cause he's self-inserted. TOM: And that's supposed to explain everything, Mike? MIKE: Works for me. the only thing that changed was I CROW: Didn't turn into a girl? ALL: (hum Sailor Stars music) didn't yell in pain from the transformation. TOM: Optimus Primal... maximize! CROW: (hits him) Not that kind of transformation, bubble head! "Wow so he wasn't kidding around about that Universe Power thing then." said an awstruck Sailor Moon. My costume was blue which ended in a point at the top of abs CROW: Leaving the rest of him naked! MIKE: Crow, do you really want to see him naked? CROW: (turns pale green) Oh, uck... with the rest of the costume being white. "Captain Universe has returned to fight evil in his new home," ALL: Arrrggghh! CROW: It's just like a DC comic, except... not good. TOM: Wait, he said 'new home'. Does that mean he's staying for good? ALL: AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! I chanted TOM: Get this boy to the Hare Krishnas! "that is if you scouts will have me as your teammate." MIKE: (Sailor Moon) We'd rather gargle arsenic. CROW: (ditto) Don't we suffer enough with Chibi-Usa?! "Oh you bet Captain we need all the help we can get." they replied. MIKE: (Sailor Moon) Battle fodder is so low quality these days... "Well then monster, hey where'd it go that fireball should have it long enough for me to change." I said puzzled. TOM: That last sentence made no sense. MIKE: Doesn't he know? Transforming anime characters enter a separate dimension where time does not exist. CROW: Really, Mike? MIKE: Look, you have a better theory? I should have been watching the Scouts' backs as well as my own TOM: How can you watch your own back? MIKE: Maybe he's got eyestalks or something. because the monster took us totally by surprise with a random blast. CROW: 'Random blast'? Wouldn't it be aiming? MIKE: Nobody ever said youma were very bright. TOM: Or any other SM villian, for that matter. As evidence, we offer Esmeraude. MIKE: As well as the Witches Five. 'Nuff said. CROW: (sulky silence) The others went down CROW: On each other! Woohoo, lesbian action! MIKE: Crow! but I absorbed the blast directed at me and sent it back at the beast. TOM: He was charged $ 1.50 for the transaction by the Royal Bank. With the monster confused I rushed over & revived the Scouts telling them if we plan on getting rid of this thing this would be the best time to do so. "Ladies first." I insisted. ALL: Boo, hiss! TOM: Letting the girls take the brunt of the fight! CROW: Coward! "Marsss Fire Ignite!" called Mars leading the charge, the fireball hit the monster setting its fur a blaze. "Jupiter Thunder Crash!" called Jupiter a split second after Mars, now it was electriefed with a hot flash, ALL: (grimace) MIKE: It IS a lemon! "Venus Cresent Beam Smash!" continued Venus, her attack sailed into the monster's head. TOM: The monster's head is hollow? CROW: Yep, just like the author's. "Mercury Ice Bubble Freeze!" called Mercury, trapping the monster in a block of ice. MIKE: Introducing a new line of desserts: Frozen Monster Pops! TOM: Mike, that's just disgusting. "Moon Tiara "Sorry Sailor Moon but I have to get back in shape MIKE: Hexagon? TOM: Cylindrical? CROW: Square. so he's mine." I interrupted. MIKE: And you're welcome to him. TOM: (Sailor Moon) That's right. What'd Mamo-chan say if he found the love bites on my- CROW: Servo, that's beyond even my level of perversity. Congratulations! TOM: (bowing) Thank you, thank you. MIKE: (sighs) Why do I even try? "Okay Cap." she replied without an arguement. TOM: (Sailor Moon, near tears) I have to. It's in my contract. MIKE: 'Cap'? Wait'll Captain America hears about this! "Scouts if I remember right you should all get behind me, this can kill you as well as this monster TOM: Ugh, it's turned into a Nav anti-fic. CROW: The next step in Nav's descent into complete and utter wrongness. and I'm at 75% MIKE: Stupidity? TOM: Absurdity? CROW: Arousal. MIKE: CROW! CROW: Ah, bite me, Nelson. This 'fic's just asking for it. TOM: Can't deny that, Mike. strength." I could get to like this team for their listening skills. MIKE: We could get to hate this author for blatant stupidity and egomania. CROW: 'Get to'? I already do. "Universal Super Nova" CROW: Star Gentle Uterus! (ALL snicker) I shouted as I jumped into the air and started spinning in a 360 degree motion CROW: Look, Mike, it's Nurse Angel Ririka! MIKE: He'll be tossing his cookies from all that spinning pretty soon. straight towards the monster "Slash!" MIKE: Slices! TOM: Dices! CROW: And it can be yours for only $999 999.99! My whole body became a beam of light TOM: Good job, Scotty. Now beam him into that brick wall! as I went sailing into the monster slicing it in two and turning it to ash. CROW: Oh my God! They killed Kenny! TOM: You bastards! MIKE: OK, you two. No more Comedy Central. BOTS: Awwww.... "Well that did the job better than my tiara ever could." Sailor Moon said TOM: (Sailor Moon) I used to feel pathetic, but seeing you has made me feel a lot better about myself! Thanks! walking up and placing a her hand on my MIKE: (glares at Crow) CROW: What? I wasn't going to say anything. MIKE: Just making sure. shoulder. "Aw I can do betterrrrrrrrr..................." I said collasping to the ground face first. ALL: Yaaaaaay! CROW: We give you the Face Plant of the Week! "Jason are you alright?" asked Sailor Mars looking over the fallen body of Captain Universe MIKE: (Sailor Mars) Yes, that's one self-insert down! Who's next on the list? TOM: (Sailor Mercury) Let's see... oh good, Oscar! for any reason of his collaspe. MIKE: Too much Ranma? CROW: (Sailor Mars) Dammit, Jason, I thought you'd last at least half the night! MIKE: Crow... He didn't answer TOM: Because his mouth was full of rubber cement, which the Senshi then set on fire, burning him to cinders. The end. MIKE: You're getting desperate, aren't you? TOM: (agitated) Just make it stop! Make the stupidity stop! "Bring him into the temple so MIKE: ...the temple spirits can banish his evil presence. TOM: ...we can play real-life 'Operation'! CROW: (sharpens a scalpel) Sounds good to me! he can rest" said a black cat as it exited the temple "After what he went threw tonight he needs it." TOM: (agitated) How can you go *threw* something?! Miiiikkke! MIKE: It's not my fault! I didn't write the damn 'fic. CROW: No, but YOU got Dr.F mad enough to send it to us. Great one, Mike! TOM: Yeah, thanks a lot, Mike! MIKE: But... I... ah, forget it. "Alright Luna, I'll go and find that brother he was talking about" MIKE: God knows, a brother could only be an improvement. CROW: Not true, Mike. It could be Mackie. MIKE: Good point. Jupiter yelled already heading out of the temple enterance. "Lita you have a one track mind." Venus said under her breath. CROW: (Venus) And you said that I was your one and only! MIKE: Crow! Bad hentai! "Come on Mina; Serena, Ami, and I can't move him by ourselves!" TOM: Who said achieving orgasm was a purely female problem? CROW: Harder! Faster! MIKE: Tom! I mean Crow! I mean... ah, forget it. Mars yelled in pain from trying to lift the new found ally in the Captain. CROW: (Captain) My little friend's very stubborn! MIKE: (plugs ears) La la la! I can't hear you! CROW: Give up, Mike. You know you're just jealous. " Alright Raye but if you and Serena start fighting over him like you did Tuxedo Mask TOM: (Rei) Nah, Mamoru was a wuss anyway. CROW: Hey! Not as much as Billy. TOM: You take that back! CROW: What's wrong, Servo Ranger? Take it like a bot! (BOTS start trying to hit each other, succeeding only in plummeting Mike, seated between them, senseless) I hope he'll hit you with that fireball he used on that monster earlier." Mina argued TOM: 'Argued'? MIKE: Let it go, Servo. coming over to help CROW: ... finish the DC-wannabe off! with their fallen ally. "I wonder how he can use fireballs thats Mars power right." Ami asked in wonderment MIKE: Hey, wait a second. How come everybody else's names are Americanized, but she's still 'Ami'? CROW: Fight off the evil influence, Ami-chan! You can do it! "Beats me but it wouldn't hurt to ask would it." Raye replied TOM: (Rei) And while you're at it, see if you can get me some proper punctuation. "You can ask him when comes around MIKE: ..the mountain. ALL: (singing) She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes... Raye right now lets just get him inside." CROW: ...the blender. Serena said straining from the capacity of this new found friend. MIKE: Gonna say something, Crow? CROW: Why bother? The fanfic's already done it for me. end chapter 1 ALL: (deep sigh of relief) CROW: See why sniffing glue is bad for you, kids? You could end up just like Jason Lee! MIKE: Consider yourselves warned! _____________________________________________________________ TOM: And we have flatline! CROW: Nah, this fanfic was dead in the first place. Author: Jason Lee (Captain Universe) TOM: And yet another name added to the target list. CROW: (whimpering) I don't think I can take another chapter of this, Mike... MIKE: Don't worry Crow. (evilly) He'll pay. Just like the rest of them. They'll all pay! TOM: Umm, Mike? You're scaring me here. e-mail: Captain_Universe@hotmail.com [Image] MIKE: Got the address, Crow? CROW: Ohhh yeah. I'm sending it to all the worst spam distributors now. TOM: It's too bad we can't do the same for Dr.F. I will be adding more chapters as I begin to figure out how to do multiple pages. MIKE: Never thought I'd say it, but thank God for the complexity of web page makers! BOTS: (eagerly nod agreement) So enjoy the beginning of my story as much as possible ALL: (gag) and please tell me about any revising I need to do. CROW: Easy. Just toss it in a shredder. Remember Sailor Moon Rules. CROW: He speaks the truth! MIKE: The first intelligent thing he's said in the entire 'fic. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: If you have survived this far with sanity intact, you deserve a drink. CROW: In fact, why don't you just down a whole beer right now? TOM: It'll help suppress the memory of the fanfic. Trust me on this. MIKE: Tom, you're a robot. You can't get drunk. TOM: You had to remind me, Mike. (sigh) CROW: Right. Let's high-tail it out of here! (ALL gratefully exit theatre). (SoL) (The fire alarm is still going, louder than ever. Gypsy is calmly seated in a corner, reading a sappy romance novel held in her mouth.) MIKE: Hey, Gypse. How can you stand all this racket? GYPSY: (doesn't seem to acknowledge their presence) MIKE: GYPSY! TOM: She can't hear you, Mike. She's turned her sound sensors off. MIKE: She can do that? CROW: Yep, just like us... us... oh crap... TOM: Great going, Crow! CROW: It's not like you remembered either, Servo! (Suddenly, the alarm abruptly stops. All is silent in the Satellite.) CROW: Ah, damn it all. I'm going back to bed. (DEEP 13) (The mad doctor is busy chasing Frank with a highly-experimental, dangerous-looking energy rifle.) DR.F: Ruining my plot to ruin Christmas, I could forgive. Setting off the fire alarm, I could forget, with some difficulty. But spilling hot cocoa on the main computer - this time, Frank, you're as good as buried six feet under! FRANK: Waaaah! DR.F: (pauses) Oh, and push the bottom. FRANK: (stops in his mad rush, and complies). PHWOOOSH! (fade to credits. Laser fire and screaming can be heard in the background). Well, that's about it. The authors (victims?) can be reached at the addresses below. Kuanna 102751,3541@Compuserve.com Lucas Bates lucas.b@ottawa.com Keep circulating the 'fics! '"Well then monster, hey where'd it go that fireball should have it long enough for me tochange." I said puzzled.'