Will's Notes: Well, that last one was definitely a fun one, so I'll go ahead and try riffing the next two parts of CDDA, myself. For now, I'd like to thank the usual suspects (you know who you are, by now), J-Boogie for tweaking my end segment, plus Thomas Wilde for being a cool beta reader, and just say that I hope that I'm doing good with this MSTing thing. I haven't gotten any mail saying I suck and I should burn in Hell, so I guess I must be doing something right. Now for the legal stuff, as if you actually read this. Urotsukidoji and La Blue Girl belong to Toshio Maeda (he of tentacley goodness). Darkstalkers and Street Fighter 2 belong to Capcom (they of 2D fighting goodness). Project A-ko belongs to Soieshinsha/Final-Nishijima (they of superpowered schoolgirl goodness). Ah! My Goddess belongs to Kosuke Fujishima (he of ice creamy goodness). The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains Inc. (they of riffing goodness). Cross-Dimensional Demon Attack! belongs to Hentacle (the goodness of which I have yet to find...just kidding). Anything else I use belongs to whoever owns it or is dumb enough to claim it. Please don't sue me, you wouldn't get anything worth owning. All constructive C&C is greatly appreciated and should be sent to wcrain3@hotmail.com. Again, since this is a MST of a lemon fic, anyone who's under 18, objects to bad taste, or has a heart condition should either turn away now, wait until their parents are asleep, or take their medication before reading. Now that all this is out of the way, on with the MSTing (assuming, of course, you haven't skipped this part and are reading the MST already)! Mystery Maeda Theater 3000! Episode 5 by William Crain Megumi: A little to the left, Fubuki. Fubuki: Okay, now what? Megumi: Now Miko, move your end a bit to the right. There, perfect. Miko: Why do we need one of these anyway, Megumi? The Satellite was great the way it was. Megumi: Because we want to present the appearance that we're a bit more than just three women on a satellite. Fubuki: Can't we just put old copies of Penthouse on the coffee table, like other single people? Miko: Besides, I doubt that other people would appreciate an eight-foot tall marble penis in the middle of our living room. Megumi: That's why it's art. Only the person who buys it is supposed to appreciate it. Everyone else is merely supposed to question the purchaser's sanity. Plus, it's Maeda's money, so it's no great loss. Fubuki: Oh, all right then. *Just then, the Maeda button flashes. Megumi, being the closest, pushes the button, which then reveals Maeda and a somewhat patched-up Nin-Nin, who's still sporting stitches on his head. Maeda: Good afternoon, working girls! I see that you're training for your eventual returns to the set, today. Miko: No, we're just remodeling. What do you have for us, today? Maeda: Well, this afternoon, you're being treated to parts three and four of Cross-Dimensional Demon Attack. However, we still have an invention exchange to perform before I send you the fic. So, what do you ladies have for me, today? Fubuki: I can't think of anything for this one. Megumi: I've got it covered. Maeda, you're looking at our invention right now. Maeda: The giant marble penis? Megumi: No, Pointy Haired Boss. Us! Me, Miko, and Fubuki are our inventions today! Maeda: How is this supposed to work? Megumi: Easy, we just stand around on a Satellite while pretentious people refer to us as "performance art". We just give ourselves a name like "Three Riffers Stranded" and people who wish they were cool will actually pay money to watch us do nothing. Maeda: That's actually ingenious. However, my invention shall dwarf yours, yet again. Nin-Nin, the invention, please. Miko:(praying) Please don't let it be Jar Jar. Please don't let it be Jar Jar. Maeda: I have learned my lesson concerning the long-tongued one. However, my invention deals more in the area of literature. Therefore, I give you the Gangsta-fier. This apparatus will turn even the most classic poetry in existence into third-rate gangsta rap so bad that even Master P would have nothing to do with it. Fubuki: I don't think we need a demonstration of this invention, really. Maeda: Awww, you don't want to hear Poe rap about his bitch, or rather, his biyatch, Raven? Miko: Nevermore. Maeda: Well, then. Nin-Nin, send them the fic. * Nin-Nin pushes the big red button before chancing a look at the results of the Gangsta-fier and passing out with a resounding "Hootie Hoo!". Megumi: Looks like we've got Hentacle Sign. Fubuki: This should be...interesting. * All enter the theater, Miko in the far left, then Megumi, and Fubuki at the far right. > In another part of the Darkstalkers' world, Miko: Bonnie Hood was sending another family of werewolves to a grisly end. >Felicia pricked up her catlike ears. Fubuki: As well as her catlike tail, since this is a lemon fic. Megumi:(Felicia, bored) Ready when you are. > "Fe...li...cia..." > She turned in the direction of the sound. It seemed to come from the >wall behind her. > "Who is it?" she asked. "Who's there?" Megumi:(Landshark) Candygram. > There was a low chuckle, and suddenly a slimy tentacle reached out >and grasped her arm. Before Felicia could pull her arm free, she was >pulled into the wall! Megumi:(singing) Just another brick in the wall! > Felicia found herself in a dimly-lit universe, held by a loathsome, >tentacled horror. She lunged out, trying to claw it. Her efforts earned her >just a grab for her other arm and the tentacle equivalent of a backhand. Fubuki: "Pussy-whipped" is being given a whole new meaning, here. Miko: Ain't foreplay grand? > Two more slimy limbs reached for her legs and forced them apart. Megumi: Time to break the wishbone! >Felicia hissed and spat at the creature trying to violate her. Another >tentacled backhanding stunned her. The creature then ripped her clothes off and penetrated >her. Miko:(Felicia) That's my belly button, you moron! > Felicia let out a series of feline howls and shrieks as the beast >raped her, pumping its unholy seed into her while her breasts and buttocks >were stroked with slimy limbs. Fubuki: Nine months later, Hanson was born. >The tentacles penetrated her asshole, >forcing her to scream again. The creature shoved a limb into her mouth >and forced her to "blowjob" it. Miko: What's the point of fisting someone's mouth? Megumi:(Felicia) You haven't been cleaning under your fingernails, have you? >Her body was being forced into a physical >orgasm, but her mind understandably took no pleasure. Nor was it the >reaction one would expect from someone being raped. Quite frankly, >Felicia was pissed. Fubuki: But if she could hold it in for five more minutes, she'd be in the clear. > Chun Li had caught hold of the suspect. "Okay, asshole," she snapped, >"where the hell's Bison?" Megumi:(suspect) In the Great Plains, with the rest of his herd. > "Bison?" asked her suspect, smiling disarmingly. "I know no 'Bison'." Miko:(suspect) However, for only 50 American dollars, I can get you a genuine imitation Rolex. > "Cut the crap," said Chun Li, disbelieving this scum's story. Fubuki: Of course, the fact that the suspect was smoking a joint while Xeroxing twenty-dollar bills may have had something to do with her assessment. > "MY PLEASURE!" growled the suspect. He suddenly "morphed" into a >hideous demon! Miko: Which then proceeded to wiggle its pelvis and sing about "La Vida Loca". > "What the hell?!" exclaimed Chun Li. "You one of Bison's experiments >or something?" Megumi:(demon) Yes...I was his failed biology experiment from 11th grade. I am ashamed. > "Fool," growled the fiend. "I said I knew not this 'Bison' of whom you >speak. I was around long before he was born!" Fubuki:(demon) In fact, when I was your age, I had to walk fifteen miles in five-foot snowdrifts uphill both ways for a piece of ass. We didn't have that newfangled phone sex that you young'uns enjoy now. > "Whatever you are," stated Chun Li, "you're facing the strongest >woman in the world! KIKKOKEN!" She let out a blue fireball of pure chi. Miko:(Chun Li) Burrito Power, away! Megumi: Fire in the hole! > The fireball dissolved harmlessly against the fiend's skin. "And >YOU'RE facing a demon!" it retorted, a smile of dark amusement on its face. Fubuki:(demon) So nyah! > "I don't believe in demons," argued Chun Li as she jump-kicked the >monstrosity. Her feet stuck in the monster's inhuman flesh, then sank as >if into quicksand. Megumi: Eeew, look what you stepped in! > "You will," the demon threatened. It suddenly began re-molding its >pliable body, binding Chun Li's arms and legs. The strength of these >demonic limbs dwarfed Chun Li's infinitely. Miko: Unfortunately, strength does not always mean stamina, so this lemon scene was over in ten seconds. Fubuki: Keep dreaming. > "LET ME GO!" screamed Chun Li. She couldn't believe what was >happening! Megumi: The demon was tying her up and forcing her to watch a Teletubbies marathon! Others: Nooo! > A tentacle slid into her mouth and deep-throated her. Miko: Now that's taking the long way around. Fubuki: No, Miko. That's just lack of knowledge of basic English rearing its ugly head. >Chun Li's clothes were crudely torn from her. Fubuki:(demon) Looks like you won't be needing these! >More demonic limbs wrapped around her full breasts and buttocks. Chun Li writhed under these >molestations, trying fiercely to struggle free. But despite the athletic musculature of >her limbs, the things gripped her with a strength like steel. Fubuki: Does this mean she'll stick to them on cold days? Miko:(Chun Li) Helth meth, my tongueth isth thuck to thith polth. > A member slid into her clit, Fubuki: After spending ten minutes trying to remove the ring that was already there. >while another snaked into her anus. Megumi:(member) Someone hasn't been wiping, have they? >Chun Li squirmed and writhed with the torment as the hideous rape >continued. But it was no use, as the limbs forced her to orgasm. Miko:(mock-German accent) You vill orgasm, und you vill like it! Schnell! > The "strongest woman in the world" was completely powerless. Fubuki: For she had been overwhelmed by the Amazing Power of Porn(tm)! Megumi: It slices, it dices, it bends anime women into shapes previously unseen by man! Miko: And it can be yours today for only three easy payments of $19.95! Fubuki: If you buy now, we'll throw in whatever crap Tony Robbins is hawking on the other channel! > Soon Cammy was experiencing a similar fate. She turned to her >friend Chun Li, and her eyes grew wide with horror as she realized her >friend's predicament. The last thing going through Cammy's mind before >she blacked out was, "Hope is lost." Megumi: Goodbye hope! Tell virginity I said "hi"! Fubuki: It's not lost, it's living in the couch with your keys. > Felicia joined this unholy harem some time later. Still frustrated >rather than afraid, she turned to meet the other two. Miko:(Felicia) Come here often? Megumi: Bad, bad choice of wording, Fubuki. >Being from a different universe, naturally she did not recognize them. All she knew >was that they were two athletic-looking women, one Asian, the other >blonde, and that they were having an even worse time than she was, >judging from their faces. Miko: The condition known as "Bitter Semen Face" had finally set in. > "I believe you know this one," said the demon looming above them all. Fubuki:(demon) Felicia, this is your life! >Felicia looked upward. She gasped in shock. This demon was raping >Morrigan! The lovely succubus was extremely large-breasted and >voluptuous now. What was more, she, unlike the others, was enjoying >every second of what was happening to her. Megumi:(Morrigan, blandly) Ride it, baby. Make me scream your name. Miko:(ditto) Oh, the pleasure's just too much. Fubuki:(ditto) I can't take it anymore. All:(ditto) Ahhhh. > "Morrigan?" asked Felicia uncertainly. Fubuki:(answering machine) I'm sorry, but Morrigan is not here to take your call. However, if you leave a message at the sound of the moan, she'll get back to you as soon as possible. > Skuld had just finished explaining to Amano Jyaku. "Hmmm," said >the beast-man thoughtfully. "Sounds like the demons, all right. Hell, I >wouldn't be surprised if the Overfiend himself was behind this shit." Miko: And here's the anal sex! > "Uhmm, Mr. Jyaku?" asked Skuld. > "Call me Amano," said Amano. Miko:(Amano) And for $3.99 a minute, you can call me yours. > "Amano," asked Skuld, "what are we gonna do?" > Amano stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then he said. "I ain't got a >fucking idea." Megumi:(Amano) Magic 8-Ball, give me guidance! Fubuki:(8-Ball) Image hazy. Try again later. > Skuld face-faulted. > A-ko and C-ko were zipping towards school. Miko: Fortunately, nothing got caught in their flies. >A-ko felt great. So far, she hadn't met that bitch B-ko, her cronies or her robots. Fubuki: That won't last. >But just then the blue B-ko demon flew down. Fubuki: See? Megumi: A blind person could've seen that coming. Miko: Looks like A-ko's about to, as well. >"A-ko Megami," sneered the demon. "Today you are mine." Megumi:(B-ko) Now clean my room, do my dishes, and don't forget to vacuum under the couch! > A-ko blinked her eyes in recognition. "B-ko?" she asked curiously. Fubuki: Are we done, yet? Megumi: Nope, we've still got another part to go. Miko: And here it is, now. > "B-ko?" wondered A-ko. "Is that you?" Fubuki:(B-ko) No, I'm a figment of your imagination. Now bend over, I don't have all day. > "DIE, A-KO!" screamed the demonically mutated B-ko as she dove at >A-ko. Miko: Down, down, going down... Megumi: There'll be enough of that, in a bit. > A-ko leaped out of the way. "I don't know what's happened to you, B- >ko," she informed her arch-enemy, "but you don't seem to have changed >that much!" Fubuki: So she only takes out tentacles for formal occassions? > The B-ko demon said not a word. But her tentacles did the talking, Fubuki:(tentacle) Hey, baby. How's about you and me ditch this fic and go have a *real* good time? >as they rushed towards A-ko and grabbed her arms and legs. "Say," noticed >A-ko, "these look like dicks!" Fubuki: "Understatement of the Year", everyone. Megumi: Am I the only one getting a nagging feeling of deja vu, here? Miko: I think we all are, really. > Sure enough, a couple ejaculated into her face! "Yuck!" exclaimed A- >ko. "That was disgusting!" Miko:(A-ko) The mouth, B-ko! Aim for the mouth! > Suddenly, the tentacles grabbed at A-ko's school uniform and tore it >off! "Hey, B-ko!" exploded A-ko at that moment, as the tentacles started >pulling her toward the demonized B-ko. "I always thought you were a >lesbo or something, but you chose a helluva time to prove it!" Fubuki: Aren't all tentacles technically lesbian? Megumi: Fubuki, you're thinking about the fic. Fubuki: Oops, never mind. > The B-ko demon still refused to speak. Instead, it plunged a limb >into A-ko's pussy, and another into her ass! A third was shoved into her >throat, and other disgusting slimy limbs started to caress her breasts and >buttocks. Miko: Haven't we read this scene about four times, already? Megumi: Stock footage. It's not just for placeholding, anymore. > I can't believe I'm being fucked by B-ko, of all people, muttered A-ko >mentally. She was helpless to fight the demon, despite her supernatural >strength. And worse, she could feel an orgasm being forced on her >unwilling body. > But the demon had forgotten that superhuman strength of A-ko's, >which applied to ALL her muscles. Her clit pounded the tentacle within, >crushing it, as her ass did the same thing to the member there. Megumi: Hot dog, meet microwave. Fubuki: It's *crunch* time! > As A-ko climaxed, the demon raping her screamed in agony as its >limbs were smashed to bloody paste. Miko: Before being eaten by small children in an elementary school art class. Megumi: That's...a truly disgusting image, Miko. Miko: Thanks. I tried. >A-ko gritted her teeth, biting off the limb raping her throat. A-ko gagged and made puking >noises as she forced the deep-throater up, while the other raping members slid out of her >holes. Miko:(members) Whee! > The dying demon slumped to the ground, where it seemed to melt >into ooze. Beneath the slime of the demon was B-ko, human again -- and >nude. Megumi: That's pretty much a given, at this point. > I gotta get her to a doctor, thought A-ko desperately. Maybe I should >check in as well, in case I got pregnant from that thing. Megumi:(future demon child) How's that purple-haired lady my daddy, mommy? Fubuki:(A-ko) I'll tell you when you're older. Hopefully, on the day you're moving out. Miko: Speaking of demon children, where was C-ko during all this? Megumi: Hey, be grateful for small blessings. > Skuld said, "I'd better check up on my oneesamas. They might need >me." > "I'd better come with you," said Amano. "Those bastards might still >be around." Miko:(Amano) Yes, I need a nubile female to distract them. Fortunately, you'll do, in a pinch. Megumi: The scary part is that would be in character for him. > Skuld opened a dimensional portal. Amano stepped through first to >check for demonic activity, Skuld timidly following behind. Fubuki:(Skuld) Say, he's got a nice butt... > Urd was sitting at Yggdrasil, Belldandy lying in a cot. "Hi, Skuld," >said Urd cheerily, as if nothing had happened. "I managed to waste that big >bastard." Megumi:(Urd) My dignity died, as well, but I won't be needing that! > "Is Belldandy alright?" asked Skuld. > "Physically, you mean?" asked Urd. "Checked her out myself. She >isn't even pregnant." Fubuki:(Urd) And I checked *very* extensively, nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Miko:(Belldandy) Urd, my legs are tired! Can I get down, now? > "That's a relief," said Skuld. "So, can I talk to her?" > "She's sleeping right now," said Urd. "Cried herself to sleep. That >demon attack was real traumatic." Then she looked over at Amano. "So >who're you, handsome?" > "Amano Jyaku," said the young man-beast. "You can call me Amano." Megumi:(Amano) You can also call me yours, anytime between 10 and 4. > "I'm Urd, and she's Belldandy," said Urd. "Skuld I think you already >know." > "She never told me she had such lovely sisters," complimented >Amano. Miko:(Amano) And I still have yet to find them. > "My, you're smooth," giggled Urd. "Did Skuld tell you about >this...problem we're having?" > "Yeah," said Amano. He proceeded to tell Skuld everything about his >home dimension, and the Overfiend. > "I can't believe I used to think the guy was some kinda messiah," he >commented rather angrily. Fubuki:(Amano) Of course, I also used to think that the sky was green and that babies were delivered by the Easter Bunny using a catapult in a cabbage patch. Megumi:(Amano) With prozac, I feel much better now. > "If he's as bad as you say," figured Urd, "we're gonna need some >heavy-duty mystic firepower." > Suddenly, a binging noise was heard. Fubuki: Pizza's done! > "Yggdrasil's found it!" exclaimed Skuld. "It's found the main leak that >caused all this in the first place!" > Back in A-ko's universe, the superheroine and B-ko were being >subjected to a comprehensive examination, complete with a gynecological >check-up. Megumi: However, that's a lemon for another time. > "Neither of you are pregnant or anything like that," said the doctor. >"B-ko's cured of whatever caused her mutation." > "That's a relief," said A-ko. "B-ko, do you remember anything?" > "The last thing I remember," said B-ko, "was summoning a demon." Miko:(B-ko) That was right after I guzzled the keg of beer and partied with those frat boys. Fubuki:(B-ko) What a weekend! > A-ko did a double take. Then she got pissed. "You did WHAT?!" she >screamed. "What the hell did you do a dumb idiot thing like THAT for?!?" Megumi:(B-ko) Because it was a slow day and I was bored. > B-ko sighed. "You know...the usual thing. I figured the occult would >give me an edge over you." > "Didn't work too well, did it?" snapped A-ko angrily. > "No," B-ko sighed in frustration. "Sorry." > "There's no time for 'sorry'!" yelled A-ko. "We've gotta figure out >how to clean up this mess!" Miko: Oh, a few Kleenex should get that up rather nicely. > "Maybe WE can help with that," said a voice. A-ko, B-ko, and the >doctor spun around. Stepping out of an interdimensional portal were >Skuld, Urd, and Amano Jyaku. > "Who the hell are YOU guys?" demanded A-ko. Megumi:(Urd) Hello, my name is Urd and I'll be your fanservice for today. Please remember to tip generously. > "We'll explain on the way," said Amano. "You two fit to travel?" > "Except for the fact that we're wearing only these hospital gowns, >yeah," snapped B-ko. "God, I'd love to have my Akagiyama-23 suit!" > "Maybe I can help with that," offered Skuld. A golden light glowed, a >thunderous voice boomed, and then Skuld said, "They decided it was a >reasonable wish." > Magically, B-ko's hospital gown was replaced by the Akagiyama-23. Megumi: Well, except for the back end, anyway. Fubuki:(B-ko) I'm feeling free! > "Yeah!" she cheered. "Time to kick some ass!!" Miko:(B-ko) And chew bubble gum. Megumi: You don't want to get those two mixed up. Fubuki:(Oracle) Ass hard to chew! Miko: I won't ask how you know that, Fubuki. > "Hold on," said Amano, "you have any idea how?" Megumi:(B-ko) I know! I'll click my heels together three times and say "There's no place like home". > B-ko frowned, then she snapped her fingers. "The occult book's back >at my mansion. Be right back." > She flew off to retrieve it. Ten seconds later, she returned. "Here it >is," she said, presenting the book. > "That was fast," commented A-ko. Fubuki:(Amano) Like me! > "It IS an emergency," stated B-ko. > "Okay," said Amano. "Get ready, everyone. I'm homing in on the >demons' base of operations!" Megumi:(Amano) It's either a strip club in Vegas or Jerry Falwell's basement! > A portal opened. "Everyone get in!" shouted Amano. The potential >heroes jumped through the gate... Fubuki: Running head-on into Kari Wuhrer and the cast of Sliders. Miko: Along with the casts of Stargate, Star Trek, Xena, and every other series looking for a cheap plot hook. Megumi: Well, this is over, for now. Let's get out of here. (6...5...4...3...2...1) * The ladies are relaxing a bit around the coffee table, discussing the fic and drinking iced tea. Miko: Is it just me or has this fic basically been lapping itself? Fubuki: Yeah, it's like a feeling of deja vu, almost. Kinda creepy, really. Megumi: Well, hopefully it has no place to go but up. * The Maeda button then begins to flash. Miko gets up to push it, this time. Megumi: And speaking of places to go, Hell is calling. Hi, boss. *The screen comes on to reveal Maeda and Nin-Nin decked out as stereotypical gangsta rappers, complete with the requisite thick gold chains and gold teeth. Maeda: Yo, yo, yo! Word up, biyaaatches! *The ladies are wearing expressions that say, at the very least, "Dear lord". Fubuki: Uh, sir? Are you all right? Maeda: Fa sho, homegirls! Dis' here street poetry is the funkin' shiznit! Awight?! Nin-Nin: Word to yo mutha! Miko:(whispered to the other ladies) Looks like he read his own work. I don't know whether to be scared or entertained. Megumi: This could be rather entertaining, actually. Maeda: Yo, Nin-Nin! Push dat button! I'm gonna go get us some hoochies and blaze up some chronic! Peace out! * Nin-Nin pushes the aforementioned button, as the ladies are laughing their heads off. FLUSH!!!