Title: Cannabis Alternative & FREE Gift MiSTing author: Jesse Shearer Era: Chase/Season 8 Category: SPAM [Season 8 opening titles and door sequence] [Waiting Room, Mike runs in, obviously winded] MIKE:[over heavy breathing] Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. We seem to have encountered a new life form or something, and she seems intent on capturing the Bots and me for some reason. We're still trying to figure out why. [Servo enters] SERVO: Better run, Mike. Our new friend is coming this way. MIKE: Thanks, Tom. We'll be right back. [Planet bumper and commercials] [Waiting Room. Mike and the Bots are at the control panel] MIKE: Well, we seem to have lost our new female friend. CROW: For the time being, anyway. SERVO: Yeah. She seems most interested in you, Mike. CROW: But why, Mike? I mean, what's so special about you, anyway? MIKE: I don't...hey! At least I'm alive! The question is why she's interested in the two of you! SERVO: Well, we *are* highly sophisticated robots, Mike. That might explain something. [Pearl's light flashes] CROW: Pearl's calling, guys. I think she'll know something. [Mike taps light] [VW Microbus, Observer and Pearl in front seats] PEARL: Hello, Mike. I see you've met your new little friend. She flagged us down a ways back and asked for help in finding a mate. For obvious reasons, I was no good; Brain Guy here managed to convince her that he has no body; and I think we all know why Bobo was ruled out. BOBO:[sticks head up to front of van] I don't, Lawgiver. PEARL: [forces a big roll of breath mints into Bobo's chest] Get away from me, you smelly animal! [Returns to talking to Mike] Anywho, Mike, since none of us were quite right, I had Brains send her over to you. OBSERVER: I'd say things are going rather well. [Waiting Room. Mike has what appears to be an anthropomorphic fox vixen hanging off his shoulders. The Bots just stare.] VIXEN: Hi! I'm Jewlara. I like you! MIKE: Well, hi, I guess. I'm Mike, and these are my friends Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. JEWLARA: So, what do you do here? MIKE: We're guinea pigs for the folks that sent you over here. They force us to watch bad movies and read bad Internet postings. JEWLARA: Like what? [Microbus] PEARL: Well, since you asked, and Mike seems to be having trouble with this situation, I have the perfect experiment for the situation. It's a Spam called "Cannabis Alternative & FREE Gift." It's all about various "herbal remedies" for situations like the one you're in. I hope it helps. Send it, Brain Guy. OBSERVER: Yes, madam. [uses powers to send SPAM] [Waiting Room; alarms going off] MIKE: We've got Spam Sign! BOTS: [groan and curse a little] MIKE: [looks at his new ladyfriend] Stay here, please. I'm sure Pearl and the others will let you watch what goes on JEWLARA:[poses and makes a kissieface at Mike] [M&TB enter theater] [6...5...4...3...2...1...theater] BOTS:[chanting] Mike's got a girlfriend! Mike's got a girlfriend! MIKE: Oh, knock it off, you two. >From: spiderweb@host124.ixeurope.com <spiderweb@host124.ixeurope.com> >Date: Thursday, February 01, 2001 9:32 PM >Subject: Cannabis Alternative & FREE Gift! > SERVO: Yep, it's a spider web, alright. > >Greetings & Blessings To You! MIKE: Well, greetings, anyway. > >Offering for your "Sensitive" Delight: > >1. "Seventh Heaven" Kathmandu Temple Kiff (tm); a viripotent cannabis >alternative for blissful regressions of vexatious depressions... > SERVO:[Team Rocket voice] Team... CROW:[Team Rocket voice] Druggie... MIKE: Pokemon reference. [sarcastically] Cute. >2. Sweet Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops (tm); An erotic aphrodisia; sexual >intensifier / enhancer liquid amalgamated extract for MEN and WOMEN. CROW: As opposed to a non-erotic one...? > >3. "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets (tm); a botanical alternative to >pharmaceutical medications for calm, balance, serenity and joyful living... > SERVO: Don't do bad. Do worse. >4. "Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm); CROW: Gentle Ferocity? ALL:[snicker] SERVO: Isn't that an oxymoron? >a most efficacious, non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-MaHuang botanical >energizer... > >********************************************* MIKE: I'll bet it really *will* leave you seeing stars. >Kathmandu Temple Kiff is a proprietary; Nepalese, sensitive, >pipe-smoking/stoking substance. Kathmandu Temple Kiff is indeed the most >substantial >marijuana/cannabis alternative on the planet. > >Absolutely Legal! Marvelously Potent! > SERVO: Major Contradiction! >Kathmandu Temple Kiff possesses all of the positive virtues fine >ganja/cannabis >without any of the negatives. An amalgamation of high >concentrates of rare euphoric >herbas, Kathmandu is offered in a solid >jigget/bar format and is actually more >UPLIFTING & POISED than cannabis >/marijuana while rendering Euphoria, >Happiness, Mood-Enhancement, >Stress/Depression Relief and promoting >contemplativeness, creativity, >better sleep, lucid dreaming ... and enhancing the sexual >experience!!! > >Kathmandu Temple Kiff is simply the best and just a little pinch/snippet of >the >Kathmandu goes a long, "sensitive" way. Just 4 or 5 draws of the pipe >... (an herb pipe >included with each package of Kathmandu Temple Kiff). > MIKE: A "legal" herb pipe, no doubt. >PLEASE NOTE: Although no botanical factor in Kathmandu Temple Kiff is >illegal or considered to be harmful by regulatory agencies and no tobacco >is included >therein, it is the policy of our company that Kathmandu Temple >Kiff may not be offered >or sold to any person that has not attained at >least 21 years of age. > >CROW: Meaning that there are some legal restrictions, then. >Ingredients: > >Kathmandu Temple Kiff is both a euphoriant and an uplifting, calmative >relaxant that >offers scintillating physical and cerebral ambiance >enhancement. Kathmandu Temple >Kiff is a proprietary, prescribed >amalgamation which includes the following >synergistically, synesthesia ALL:[singing to tune of "Amnesia"] Synesthesia... >conglomerated, uncommon herbs, resins, essences, flower-ttops and oils in >extreme >ratio extractment ranging from 8.5 to 1. to 60 to 1, viripotent >concentrations : CROW: O.K., now, who understands that? Nobody? That's what I thought. >Drachasha, Chavana Prash, Trikatu, Black Seed Herb, Capillaris Herba, >Angelica Root, >Wild Dagga, Haritaki, Shatavari, Labdunum, Neroli, Unicorn >Root, Papaver Rhoes, >Dendrobian, Calea Zacalechichi, Rue, Amla, Salvia >Divinorum, Crocus Sativa, Lotus >and Gokshura. CROW: Sure, they're big, exotic sounding words, but do they do anything? MIKE: Sounds like mostly placebo to me. SERVO: Me, too. > >********************************************* > SERVO: I get it. The number of stars represents the value of the product. MIKE: In this case, I think we'd be talking about a negative 45. >SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS (tm) TANTRA PLEASURE >SACRAMENT > >Indeed; a HeavenSent Treasure of Pleasure!! > >To entice your Passion, >To intrigue your Desire, >Enchantment's Rapture; >Sweet Vjestika Fire.... > SERVO:[Team Rocket voice] Ima... CROW:[Team Rocket voice] Hornball! MIKE: Again with the Pokemon jokes! What is it with you two today? >SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS EXTRAVAGANTLY INSPIRES AND >ENHANCES: > >*Penile & clitoral sensitivity >*Sensitivity to touch >*Desire to touch >*Desire to be touched >*Fantasy >*Lust >*Rapture >*Erogenous sensitivity >*Uninhibitedness MIKE: There's a bad example of verbing. >*Sexual courageousness >*Sexual gentleness and ferocity SERVO:[Team Rocket voice] To deliver global paradoxity! MIKE: Must you? SERVO: Couldn't help it. Sorry. > >SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS(tm) > >*Prolongs and intensifies foreplay; >*Prolongs and intensifies orgasm / climax; >*Inspires body, mind, spirit orgasm / climax; >*Inspires and enhances body, mind, spirit communion betwixt lovers; >*Inspires and enhances the enchantment / glamourie of Love.... > >Sweet Vjestika is a Chimera Tantric proprietary glamourie / enchantment >Fantasia >Amalgamation for men and women, comprised of high ratio extracts >derived from the >following Herbs of Power which are master blended to >emphasis extravaganza body, >mind, spirit erogenous sensory awareness and >gourmet carnal delight. > MIKE: Dah! Don't these people know how to talk straight? SERVO: I think they've been doing lots of research on their own products. CROW: Too much, I'd say. >CONTENTS: > >Whole MaHuang, Bee Pollen, Epimedium Angelica, Rehmannia, Ginger, >Schizandra, >Polygonatum, Adenophora, Tremella, Tang Kuei, Reishi, >Codonopsis, Eucommium, >Lycii Berry, Ligusticum, Peony Root, Fo Ti, >Atractylodes, Ophiopogon, Royal Jelly, >Euryales Seeds, Poria, Licorice, >Mountain Peony Bark, Cormi Fruit, Rose Hips, Prince >Ginseng, Scrophularia, >Alisma, Astragalus, Fennel, Buplerium, Cypera, Aconite, >Polygala, Red Sage >Root, Jujube Seed, Lotus Seed, Tien Chi Ginseng, Ligus Ticum, >Psoralea, >Dodder Seed, and Cisthanches in a solution containing 24% pure grain >alcohol >as a preservative, distilled water and Lecithen as an emulsifier. > CROW: To summarize, it's a liquor. You're "in the mood" because you're schnockered. >SUGGESTED USAGE: > >Sweet Vjestika is extremely potent. Use 10 - 15 drops sublingually or in >juice or tea, >not to exceed 25 drops. Best when taken upon an empty >stomach approx. 45 minutes >before intimacy. Based upon 25 – drop >increments there are approx. 60 dosages per 1 >oz. bottle. Usage should >not exceed 2 doses per week. Persons taking any precsription >medication >or suffering from depression or anxiety, should consult with their health >care >provider before using. This product is not intented for usage by >persons with abnormal >blood pressure or any cardiovascular malady or any >thyroid dysfunction. MIKE: Basically, any medical reason to need something like this makes it unsafe. >Nor is it to be used during pregnancy or by any person under 21 years of >age. > >********************************************* >Also for your sensitive mellowness.... "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets are >an entirely >natural, proprietary, botanical prescription comprised of >uncommon Asian Herbs for >Calm, Balance, Serenity and Joyful Living. >"Seventh Heaven" Prosaka is indeed a most >extraordinary, viripotent, >calming, centering, mood-enhancing, holistically-formulated, >exotic >herbaceous alternative to pharmaceutical medications for depression, >anxiety, >stress, insomnia, etc. >NO side effects! NO dependency! SERVO: NOT intended for smart people! >Vivaciously Mellow! > >There is ABSOLUTELY nothing else quite like "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka (tm). > >Ingredients: > >Seventh Heaven Prosaka tablets contain the following herbal factors in >precise >prescription: Tadix Salviae, Sensitive Mimosa Bark, Arullus >Euphoriae, Shizandra, >Frutcus Mori, Caulis, Polygoni Multiflori, Zizphus, >Tang Kuei, Cedar Seed, Sweetflag >Rhizome, Cuscutae, Amber, Radix >Scutellariae, Evodia, Longan, Arizisaema, >Cistanches, Radix Polygalae, Red >Sage Root and Eucommia. Recommended dosage: 1- >2 tablets; 2-3 times per >day. > >********************************************** >Also.... for your "Sensitive" "Pure Energy" Energization.... "Seventh >Heaven" Gentle >Ferocity Tablets (tm). A "Seventh Heaven" non-caffeine, >non-ephedrine, non-ephedra, >non-MaHuang; viripotent, herbaceous >prescription for the dynamic energization of >body, mind and spirit. > >This Gentle Ferocity Formulation CROW: Gentle ferocity. I just love that phrase. >is amalgamated in accordance with the fundamental Taoist herbal principle >of botanical >interactiveness and precursorship which in essence is a >molecular equation of the >relevant botanical/herbal alkaloids and >glycosides interacting with one another to >prolificate molecular communion >and thereby to achieve demonstrative herbal >efficaciousness without >negative implication to any aspect of human composition. SERVO: Unless your mind functions well enough to be confused by that. >These Gentle Ferocity Cordial Tablets are incredulously MIKE: Well, *I'm* refusing to believe any of what these people are saying. >and thoroughly effective. Enjoy! > CROW: Yeah, right. >Contents: > >Each Gentle Ferocity Tablet contains 500 mg. of the following proprietary >formulated, >high-ratio concentrated botanical factors ... Cortex >Eucommiae, Radex Polygoni >Multiflori, Zizyphus Seed, Fructus Schisandrae, >Radix Panax Ginseng, Radix Astragali, >Atractylode, Sclerotium, Porial >Cocos, Saussurea Tang Kuei, Longan, Radix Paeoniae, >Biota Seeds, Glehnia, >Radix Salviae, Ligusticum, Lycu Berry, Radix Dioscoreae, >Cortex Mouton, >Frutcus Corni, Radix Polygalae, Cistanches, Radix Pseudoslellariae and > >Cortex Aranthopanacis. > >======================================== >PRICING INFORMATION: > >1. SEVENTH HEAVEN KATHMANDU TEMPLE KIFF (tm) > >One .75 oz. jigget/bar $65.00 >One 2.0 oz. jigget/bar $115.00 (Free Capillaris Herba with 2.0 >oz. bar. Refer to >Capillaris paragraph at end of text) > CROW: I'll bet these people spend plenty of time jigging it at the bar. MIKE: Crow! That's sick! >2. SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS (tm) > >One 1.0 oz. bottle $90.00 >Two 1.0 oz. bottles $140.00 (Free Capillaris Herba with any Sweet >Vjestika order. >Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text) > >3. SEVENTH HEAVEN PROSAKA MIKE: You know something, I just noticed how much that that word sounds like the word "Prozac." CROW: Hey, yeah! You're right. It does! >(tm) > >One 100 tablet tin $40.00 >Three 100 tablet tins $105.00 >Six 100 tablet tins $185.00 > >4. SEVENTH HEAVEN GENTLE FEROCITY (tm) > >One 300 tablet jar $130.00 > >5. SWEET APHRODISIA INTRO COMBINATION OFFER > >Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff & one, 1 oz. >bottle of Sweet >Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops. For $150.00 (Reg. $205.00 >Save $55) (Free Capillaris >Herba with this intro offer. Refer to >Capillaris paragraph at end of text) > >6. BODY, MIND, SPIRIT "HEAVENLY" INTRO COMBINATION OFFER > CROW: "Heavenly," meaning "See where you wind up when it's all over." >Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff & 1 tin (100 >tablets) of >Seventh Heaven Prosaka. For $125.00 (Reg. $155.00 Save $30) >(Free Capillaris Herba >with this intro offer. Refer to Capillaris >paragraph at end of text) > >7. "PURE ENERGY" INTRO COMBINATION OFFER > >Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff & 1 jar (300 >tablets) of >Seventh Heaven Gentle Ferocity. For $170.00 (Reg. $245.00 >Save $75) (Free >Capillaris Herba with this intro offer Refer to >Capillaris paragraph at end of text) > >8. "SENSITIVE" PREFERENTIAL INTRO COMBINATION OFFER > >Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff & 1 tin (100 >tablets) of >Seventh Heaven Prosaka & 1 jar (300 tablets) of Seventh Heaven >Gentle Ferocity For >$200.00 (Reg. $285.00 Save $85) (Free Capillaris >Herba with this intro offer Refer to >Capillaris paragraph at end of text.) > >9. ULTIMATE HERBACEOUSNESS INTRO COMBINATION OFFER SERVO: That intro combo is the ultimate herbaceousness, dude! CROW: Radical! MIKE:[dryly] Yes, it's really cool. > >Includes one - 2.0 oz. jigget / bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff, one - 1 oz. >bottle of Sweet >Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops, one - 100 tablet tin of >Prosaka, and one - 300 count jar of >Gentle Ferocity for a deep discounted >Retail Price of $260.00 (Reg. $375.00 Save >$115) (Free Capillaris Herba >with this intro offer Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end >of text.) > >************************************************** >ORDERING INFORMATION: > >For your convenience, you can call us direct with your orders or questions. > >Call 1-623-977-6557 CROW: Ask for Billy Bilksalot or Marty Milksemdrie. > >Mon. - Fri. 9:30 am to 6:30 pm (MST) >Sat. - 10:00 am to 2:00 pm (MST) > MIKE: Must Stop Tie-dyeing? CROW: Must Start Typing? SERVO: Mystery Science Theater? MIKE: Mountain Standard Time. >For all domestic orders, add $5.00 shipping & handling (shipped U.S. >Priority Mail). Add $20.00 for International orders. > >************************************************** >SPECIAL DISCOUNT & GIFT > >Call now and receive a FREE botanical gift! With every order for a 2.0 oz. >jigget / bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff, an order of Sweet Vjestika >Aphrodisia Drops or one of our four (4) Intro Combination Offers, we will >include as our free gift to you ... a 1.5 oz. package of our ever so >sedate, sensitive Asian import, loose-leaf Capillaris Herba for "happy" >smoking or brewing ... (a $40.00 retail value). MIKE: Why does that just sound like opium in disguise? > >============================================= >To remove your address, send an email to: atilla1206@yeah.net >Please have "Remove" in the subject. > SERVO: To be sure it works, killfile the sending address. [All leave theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6...Waiting Room] [All, including Jewlara, at the control panel. We see that Jewlara is wearing a tight shirt.] JEWLARA:[sexy, to Mike] So, how was it, Big Boy? MIKE: More difficult than it looked. JEWLARA: But you made it look so easy... SERVO: We're old pros at this. We've been watching and reading this sort of stuff for years now. MIKE: But such is the life of a professional guinea pig. JEWLARA: What'll happen next? CROW: Well, Pearl'll probably start forcing you to join us in the theater if you stay here. MIKE: Needless to say, it's difficult enough with these two in there. SERVO: Besides, these things can get pretty traumatic at times. CROW: Just look at Mike, for instance. He was nothing like this when he first got here. JEWLARA: In that case, I'll just look you up when this little experiment thingie is over. [Leaves Waiting Room] MIKE: How's she going to do that? Pearl won't take her back, and there are no escape pods onboard. CROW: Actually, there are four in storage on deck three. [SOL shakes as one escape pod is launched, warning lights start flashing.] CROW: Well, three now. [Gypsy enters] GYPSY: Hull breach on deck three! Emergency bulkheads in place! MIKE: Can the nannites repair the damage? GYPSY: Affirmative! But it'll take six months to a year! MIKE: Uh, well, O.K. then, I guess. [Microbus. Pearl is still driving, but Bobo is now in passenger seat.] PEARL: [pretending to be sympathetic] Oh, did your little friend escape? Too bad...! Auntie Pearl will have another experiment for you real soon. BOBO: That'll cheer you up for sure. [Observer comes to front of bus] OBSERVER: We've used our supply of films and Internet stuff, madam. PEARL: WHAT?!? When did we run out? OBSERVER: Just now, I think. That friend you sent Mike must have taken them when she left. PEARL: How? I thought you said she couldn't get back in here. BOBO: That was me. I just handed them out the window to her when she came by. [fade to credits] PEARL: BOBO! [Season 8 end credits] Other Credits: Pokemon and related characters copyright Nintendo and 4-Kids Entertainment. No infringement intended. Mystery Science Theater 3000 copyright the Sci-Fi Channel and Best Brains, Inc. No infringement intended. MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer. Email contact: ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com. Email copyright its sender. Products advertised copyright and trademark Kathmandu Temple Tiff. "Jewlara" character created by Jesse Shearer. Special thanks to Taylor Bilica for passing along this SPAM. Stringer: >Indeed; a HeavenSent Treasure of Pleasure!! > >To entice your Passion, >To intrigue your Desire, >Enchantment's Rapture; >Sweet Vjestika Fire....