Fortuna Samizdat Productions presents, in cooperation with Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings.... FORTUNA FANFIC THEATRE 5000 Episode 17, part B By DadyTengu and Emiko-kun [The scene: SOR Rec Room. Kumiko and Yarunseto sit on one of the couches, and Xellos has plopped down between them. Both are trying to ignore him. Kumiko is drawing, while Yarun is aimlessly improvising on his usual instrument.] Xel: [puts his arms over the back of the couch and examines Kumiko's drawing] Oh, how pretty, Kumi-chan! You're certainly good with your hands. [grins] Kumiko: [Overactedly oblivious]Thanks...I've always loved drawing. You think I should color this one, or leave it in pencil? Xel: [thoughtfully] Color would work, I suppose. [slowly creeps a hand onto her shoulder] Kumiko: [looking at the hand, but doing nothing at the moment]If I'm doing color, maybe I should put some flames in the background... Xel: [cheerfully] Oh, yes, flames would work quite well. [sneaks his hand down] [Kumiko flips her pencil to a dagger grip and jabs the offending appendage.] Kumiko: What? Do I just need to wear a neon sign that says "taken"? Or would that even help? Xel: [blinks, and looks at the pencil in his arm] Goodness, that was certainly a waste of a good pencil. [shrugs and turns to Yarun, not bothering to remove said drawing instrument] Kumiko: [muttering]And to think he was one of my favorite characters...[rolls up the drawing, puts it in her coat, and slumps back, eyes closed, in a vain attempt to sleep.] Xel: [pokes Yarun] Hey. Princey. Yarun: [still playing]Yes? I hope you know you've a pencil in your arm. Xel: ....YARU-CHAN, ARE YOU WORRIED FOR ME?! [squeals and leaps on him] I didn't think you cared, you darling little prince! Yarun: [sarcastic]No, no, I only found it a bit disturbing...no need to almost break my dyana over it. And that's this thing [lifts the instrument up a bit], before you get any "interesting" ideas. Xel: [pouts] You're so terribly cruel to me! Yarun: Hardly. I've rather a right to be annoyed, unless you've seen a musical-instrument shop somewhere on this installation. Xel: Ohh, whine whine whine.. I didn't actually break it. You're such a crybaby. Yarun: [theatrically disappointed]And I thought you thought more of me than that... Xel: [giggles happily and wraps his arms around his neck] Well I might, if we continued this conversation in your room. Yarun: [sweatdrop]That reminds me...can you genuinely turn female, or are your sometime travelling companions merely good at costuming? Xel: [smiles brightly] Oh, they're quite good at it! I did, however, help out in a few places. [hugs him and purrs] Why, you'd prefer me as a girl? Yarun: Perhaps...Of course, I couldn't exactly decide without seeing at first hand... Xel: Well, I suppose that's something I'm willing to do! [hops up, pulling the pencil from his arm and tossing it back to/at Kumiko] [Kumiko, eyes still closed, catches and pockets it. Xel giggles, then twirls, doing a very shojo anime-like transformation; he ends up still in his normal clothes, which seem to be four sizes to big, has shrunk about a foot, and has some overly-shapely feminine curves] Xel: [in a voice higher than before] Tadaaa! Yarun: [Applauds, involuntarily leaning foward and sparkly-eyed]Marvelous! I simply wonder why you hadn't considered that possibilty in the first place. I suspect it would have improved your chances with both of us... Xel: [crosses his arms over his now much larger chest, pouting at Yarun in a frighteningly cute way] Hmpf! Only interested in my body, huh, princey? Can't even accept me for myself.. [sniffles and turns away, pretending to cry] Kumiko: Just your body? I doubt it...Narcissist like him, it's as close as he can come to a love affair with himself.. Xel: [sweatdrops] Gee, that makes me feel so much better. [whirls around and sighs] Oh well, I guess I'll- ... [blink] ... Kumiko: [laughing,and producing a small crystal thing she had previously palmed]Guess that canned spell Arche left here was good for something after all... Xel: [blinks a few times, looking down at himself] Why can't I...? [scowls, then glares at Kumiko] Hey! This is your fault, isn't it! Kumiko: Yep...Form Fix. Her invention, Earth elemental, lasts 90 minutes. Xel: ... [flatly] You realize that I hate you. Kumiko: Good. Maybe now you'll keep your hands to yourself. [Lights and sirens.] Yarun: Fanfic sign...shall we go, Xel-chan? [sniggers] Xel: [glares at him] Remind me to put something nasty in your bed later. [They file out.] [The theatre. Everyone enters and takes their proper places.] >Munchen (Munich), Germany >14 March, 200X > Five days later, Anthy sat atop the Remedios building in downtown >Munich, perched like a beautiful gargoyle Yarun: Why she was wearing a Demona costume, we may never know. >for the fifth straight evening. >She was there, staring through night-vision binoculars at the 74th floor of >the neighboring Streissen complex, the only floor where there seemed to be >much action at this time of the morning. Nori-6: Was it not evening in the last sentence? Yarun: [singing]Let's do the time warp again... >There were guards that paced up >and down the length of the floor, and there were various security items, all >of which she had either dismantled or fooled. Kumiko: While watching from the next building. Riight. Xel: No doubt Chu-chu happened to be there and dismantle everything by eating it. >At her side, a laptop was >currently feeding looped video information to the outdoor videocams, [Yarunseto hums the Mission: Impossible theme.] >and she >was fortunate there were no laser readers or motion detectors. Kumiko: More like Mission: Improbable. > To add to their stupidity, she'd discerned that the equipment that she >needed was, amazingly enough, near where she would have to enter the floor. >It was in the middle of the hall, where people were carrying maps and Zip >discs and such into the room. Kumiko: Why not just hang up a big neon sign that says "trap"? Xel: That would take the fun out of ridiculing Anthy for being a bubblehead. > ((Amateurs, or overconfident,)) Anthy snorted. ((I've broken into other >places that were more of a challenge.)) However well-prepared a terrorist >organization they might be, they didn't have any sort of talent whatsoever >for the skills of defending themselves against a well-trained professional >thief like her. Yarun: There was a word you used a moment ago..."overconfident", I believe it was? >She watched through her NVBs for a couple more minutes just >to ensure the precision of the guards' patterns, then set down her gear. Yarun: Why was she building mecha models up there? >It >was time to go to work. Kumiko: [Kain Blueriver]Bijinesu de hajimari da! Xel: [cheerfully] Gezunheit! > Stripping off her leather jacket, she Yarun: Paused for an all-too-brief topless shot before going invisible with a cool CG effect. >checked everything to ensure that >all was in place. Her black cargo pants held various items tools of the >trade Nori-6: In addition to the comma absent from the sentence... >that would get her through whatever situation that she was in. Her >top was nothing but a typical sleeveless tubetop that would allow her >unrestricted movement. Xel: :And a helpful chest scene by giving it a good yank should the plot go any farther downhill than it already is. >She took off her eyeglasses, Kumiko: Which she shouldn't need anymore... >slipped them in the >pocket of her jacket, then took out a container for soft contacts. Popping >the disposable lenses in place quickly, she paused for a second to Yarun: ...allow a closeup on the brand name. >make sure >that the last few things were in place, in particular her lone defensive >weapon. Finally she slipped on a backpack that would be both her way in and >out of the building. Kumiko: [Tsuneo]"Anthy checked all her gear." > That having been done, she walked to the other side of the roof of the >Remedios building, turned, took a deep breath, and sprinted towards the edge >she'd been at previously. As she reached the end, without any apprehension, >she leapt off into the starry darkness of the Munich night. Kumiko: And fell to her death. The end. >About halfway, >she reached the zenith and began to fall, with the chance that she would >miss the 74th floor...and hit the pavement below, eight seconds from now. >Instinctively, she did a roll in the air, and reaching into her pocket, >pulled out a small, cylindrical device. Hitting a button on the side, the >cylinder fired a spike with a rope attached to it, which firmly embedded >itself in the building's façade. Yarun: If this continues, Batman will sue for copyright infringement. Kumiko: Nah...he's smart enough to shoot the rope _before_ he jumps. >As the rope paid out from the backpack she >wore, she began to brace herself for the landing against the side of the >wall. Kumiko: Which did her no good when she went right through the glass. > The second her feet hit the side of the building, she wasted no time in >beginning to scale up towards the 74th floor. ((Dropped down to the 70th. >That's not so bad; I suppose I could be in worse straits.)) She was lucky, >as the wind was pretty non-existent tonight, despite the elevation that she >was currently at. Under normal circumstances, it would have been near >impossible, but the lack of wind resistance made the motion all that much >smoother. Kumiko: Next time, on Contrivance Theater.... > Hand over hand she began her climb, foregoing the use of her legs since >she wanted a lower profile. >Finally reaching the bottom of the window, she >checked her watch. ((Ten minutes to go before the patrol comes by.)) >Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a small, computerized item, about >the size of a beeper. Yarun: [Anthy]A Tamagocchi? What was I thinking? >Placing against the window, she patiently waited for >a few seconds while the scanner worked on the functional codes to operate >the emergency window locks. Yarun: Meanwhile, Anthy thanked the gods for engineers with too much time on their hands. Kumiko: Why the hell do the windows up there open? Were they tired of jumpers breaking the glass? >A second or two later, and she found herself >climbing into the window, while detaching the section of line that got her >there and fastening it against the side of the building via a spray >adhesive. Just before entering, she attached a few more things as >additional security measures. Xel: Things? Yarun: ...Things. You know, bedpans, ball-peen hammers, spackle, plushies... > Not bothering to check her watch, she Kumiko: ...ran smack into the guards. >moved as sleek and quietly as a >panther on the hunt, in search of her rather electronic prey. Yarun: [Oriel]You _ate_ the computer?! >Whipping Yarun and Xel: Hmm? >around the corner, Yarun and Xel: ...oh. >she silently bolted for the room in the center, the only >room that apparently was in the center of the hall. Kumiko:...not to mention that it was in the center, which is to say that it was centrally located... >Judging by how the >floor was arranged, this room must take up about half of the interior space >of the floor. Oddly enough, the door wasn't locked, which was rather >stupid; even if they weren't expecting something like this, a group should >be wary of subterfuge from within. Yarun: [singing]Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me... > ((Oh well, their loss,)) she decided as she turned the handle and let >herself into the room. > > What was revealed in the room was nothing less than stunning. Yarun: The entire female cast of Tenchi Muyo! engaged in an uninhibited- Kumiko: Sasami. [Yarunseto is noisily sick] Kumiko: Some people never learn. >The room >was so pitch black, that Anthy thought for a second that she'd entered a >cave instead of a large room. Kumiko: Except for the little fact that it was on the 74th floor. >Something felt oddly familiar about this >place, a sort of déjà vu that didn't quite jibe with reality, Yarun: [Rod Serling]Submitted for your approval--Anthy Himemiya. A woman who has left Munich and entered...the Ohtori Zone. Xel: [hums the Twilight Zone theme in the background] >but she >ignored it after a few more seconds, instead focusing on the lone landmark >in the room: a desk framed by a halo of rose-colored light streaming from a >spotlight in the ceiling. Yarun: Oh, yes, can't miss an action-movie cliche... Kumiko: There was also a little blinking hand pointing at it, just in case she didn't notice. >There was a large, round shape against the far >wall Kumiko: [Tongpu]HEL-LO, GEN-TLE-MEN. Xel: What's Alfred Hitchcock doing there? >that Anthy could barely make out, but it wasn't too clear, Yarun: A Thinkerfic fragment? >so she >ignored it and made a move for the desk. Kumiko: Oh, yeah. Real smart. Ignore the thing you can't quite see. Xel: I'm certainly believing that she's the world's greatest cat burglar, here... > Anthy approached the desk and looked at the laptop. It was streaming >some sort of rapid data onscreen, faster than her eyes could follow. Kumiko: Looks like they bought the computer from the Matrix clearance sale. Yarun: I look at that and I don't see code--I just see "blonde", "brunette", "redhead"... Nori-6: Of what use is a display that changes faster than is comprehensible? Xel: It looks cool. Kumiko: We've see her intelligence level--maybe she just can't read well enough. >She >let it flow for a few more minutes before stopping it with a quick tap of >the cursor button at the bottom of the butterfly keyboard. Yarun: Then, the computer flew away. [All stare at the perpetrator of this lame joke] Yarun: What? >As it stopped, >she idly noted that the display language was familiar, Kumiko: So? It was in either French or Japanese. Kind of weird in Munich, but... Nori-6: I believe that, here, "display language" refers to the style of user interface employed. >but she was too busy >to pay too much attention to that. Kumiko: With observational skills like that, how has she managed not to get hit by a bus? >From her cargo pocket she pulled out a >portable hard drive and attached it to the laptop, Kumiko: She was still waiting for Plug and Pray to recognize it when the guards walked in. Next time, bring a whole computer. >beginning a download >sequence that would hopefully be finished before whoever had the computer >running returned. Yarun: "Computers do everything for you." Another lovely piece of Hollywood Logic brought to you by Rob Barba. >If not, she would have to deal with him. Yarun: [Anthy]Seven-card stud, jokers wild. [pause]Wait..that was deal _with_ him, not _to_ him. Xel: [flatly] Badum-bum-ching. >Idly her hand >went to where she usually kept her defensive weapon. Yarun and Xel: Cleavage. [Kumiko looks at one, then the other, with a Meryl Stryfe sort of expression.] Xel: Well, it's where she previously kept a weapon... >It was capable of >killing, but she never used it in that manner. Yarun: Lovely, it's Anthy the Stampede. Kumiko: At least she'd look good in a red coat. Kind of like Carmen Sandiego with a hell of a tan. >Such actions and thoughts, >even for someone outside the law as she, were clearly unthinkable. Nori-6: Why, then, is she contemplating them in this scene? Xel: Didn't she stab Utena and all? Or will they eventually use that for an angst scene? > Torturous minutes went by as both portable drive and laptop hummed and >buzzed together in a choral duet, Yarun: [singing]We're specially programmed just to do/Anything you want us to/We are the robots... Xel: [about to comment on his singing, then looks at Kumiko in recollection, and immidiately silences herself] >the blinking data access lights of the two >mated items becoming a symphonic, hidden code between lovers of a sort. Kumiko: Someone's just a _little_ too fond of his computer. Yarun: For some reason, this reminds me of a Mega Man lemon... >Faced with nothing to do other than to watch as the data downloaded from one >locale to another, she watched the screen as the data scrolled by at >blinding speeds, gazing at a technological mosaic of pixels and binary as it >did the molecular dance of technology. Nori-6: [Tsuneo]Anthy watched the progress of the download. > Then, as the DOWNLOAD COMPLETE button flashed on her portable drive, she >yanked it off, Kumiko:...looked at the button in her hand and wondered why the prop department just glued it on... >and began to head back the way she came. Unfortunately for >her, fate was not as kind as had been on the way in, and she stepped on a >pressure plate that she'd just managed to miss on the way in. Kumiko: Of course, Anthy, being the great cat burglar that she was, didn't even check for traps. Xel: Now, you needn't be so unkind...she probably just failed her roll. > As the lights suddenly came on with a bright flash and a startled Anthy >cursed her own damned luck, Xel: Read: Stupidity. Yarun: [singing]Winners take that praise/Losers seldom take that blame... >she realized that they had no external defense, >mainly because this room was the only one that needed to be defended. Kumiko: Which still fails to explain the _unlocked_ _door_... >That >computer was daisy-chained in defenses, with only one clear path to it that >she managed to walk on in blind luck. Xel: Then Jillas walked right across the mines. Whoops, wrong show. >Well, no time to self-admonish now, >she realized. She would have to do that later--assuming, of course, there >was a later. Xel:Insert corny dramatic music here. > Instinctively, she bolted towards the exit and ready to face opposition, Yarun: ...without stopping to proofread... >when something caught her attention--something startling enough to halt her >in her tracks. Now that the room had been illuminated, she could see >exactly where she was, Kumiko: Wherever you go, there you are. >and what she was looking at completely stunned her in >a manner that had shook her to the very core of her being. Yarun: Not surprised, was she? > The room that she was in was designed to be in the shape of the Duelists' >Arena, Nori-6: That would be a circle...not an uncommon shape. >the floor being a gray and ash marble design of the Rose Sigil. Kumiko: Oh, great...Akio's gone franchise. > ((Guerre du Monde? Related to End of the World?)) she mentally gasped. >That couldn't be. No way. Yarun: [Wayne]Way! Kumiko: No, it was a completely unrelated secret society with exactly the same symbol. Happens all the time... >However, this was not the time to debate >possibilities, Yarun: [Buzz Lightyear]This is no time to panic. Xel: [Woody]This is a perfect time to panic! >and as footsteps approached, she began to formulate escape >ideas in her head. Whipping off her backpack in one smooth motion, she >raced back to the laptop, grabbed it and shoved both portable drive and the >computer into it, figuring that if she was going to go for it, she may as >well go for the gold. Nori-6: Why, then, did she take the time to download the data? It would have been far more expeditious simply to take the computer. Xel: Yes, but then we wouldn't have the lovely drama scene, and that would just be heartbreaking for us poor readers. >Slinging the backpack back on, she raced for the door >just as it was opening. Kumiko: ...Right into her face. She escaped while the guards were laughing. > As the two guards burst in, they didn't bother asking and just >immediately opened fire, Xel: [guard]Ma'am, may we shoot at you? >the room filling with the ozone stench of tracers >and the loud burp of automatic fire. Kumiko: I know they're uncivilized weapons, but... Xel: Since when did automatic weapons change from using gun powder to gas? >However, Anthy expected this and had >already hit the floor, sliding towards them. Kumiko: She got tangled in some of the nonspecific "defenses" mentioned earlier, and was a sitting target even a stormtrooper couldn't miss. The end. >In one move, she bowled one >over, then as the other dodged back, kippuped to her feet and let him have >it with a palm strike to the chin. Before the second one recovered, she >turned and delivered a sharp kick to the head, All but Nori-6: BOOT TO THE HEAD! >putting him out as well. > Two down, however many left to go. > Racing out the door, she bolted out into the hall, dashing towards the >right. She knew that they might be expecting her from that area, and that >from her studies of the blueprints, taking a right would offer the least >amount of resistance. Yarun: I'd be delighted to know how she knows that, if she hasn't even learned how many guards are on the floor... Xel: It's those special "Cat Burglar Skillz" that she seems to have very little of. >Jumping out the window right now would leave her as a Kumiko: Street pizza? >target for the few seconds it would take to make it to a safe zone on the >other building, so that plan was shot. > However, it could still serve as a wonderful diversion. Reaching for >her watch on her left wrist, she clicked a couple of buttons on the >underside in quick succession. Yarun: Somewhere, a teddy bear exploded. >As she reached the corner, she could hear >the footsteps of dozens racing up in the direction of the window... > ...as the limpet charges went off, imploding the window towards it Xel: Towards _what_? Yarun: A pile of hair with sunglasses who happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Xel: [slaps his forehead] Of course, how silly of me. >sending a spray of safety glass everywhere and causing the diversion she had >so hoped for. As the vacuum effect commenced, two of the guards were sucked >out into the open air without the benefit of an eventual safe landing. Kumiko: And just what was that about killing being unimaginable? >Additionally, the blast had also shredded Anthy's rope, stopping their--and >her--only means of escape. > Or so they thought. She wasn't that dumb. [All but Nori-6 break down laughing] >Running the schematic >through her head, she Xel: Lobotomized herself. >opened the stairwell door with a shove and instead of >racing down the steps, which would take time, vaulted out into the vacant >center of it. Kumiko: She wanted out of this fic _now_. >Free falling down fifteen flights, she twisted and caught the >railing, Yarun: WHAT? Even Tessiri's strength wouldn't be sufficient to... Xel: I don't know...maybe she got a full cyborg conversion? Not much more improbable than La Femme Himemiya here... Kumiko: Oh, great. If this turns into "Ghost in the World's Shell" I'm going to kill something. >feeling a bone-jarring landing as she held on. Kumiko: Well, her arms stopped. Everything past her shoulders kept going all the way down. Xel: And thus, she met her doom, huzzah, can we go now? Please? >She pulled herself >up just as she heard a *"THERE SHE IS!"* punctuated by the lion's roar of >more gunfire raining down on her position. She didn't stick around long >enough to see if they were following, instead opting for the door. Yarun:[host] Now, you can take what you've won, or go for what's behind door number one! Which will it be? [annoying timer music ensues] Kumiko: Nori-6, do you _have_ to help him with his gags like that? Nori-6: Do you wish me to stop, Captain? Kumiko: Not really...it's just a little weird sometimes. > Running down the hall, her footsteps clattering loudly against the >high-gloss marble floor, Yarun: ...quoth the raven, "nevermore." Xel: What the... >Anthy took one turn and headed for the service >elevator at the end of the lobby on this floor... Yarun: Let me guess...the boss is going to step out of the elevator before she can advance to the next level... Xel: Isn't that ALWAYS how it works? >...and walked right into a trap. Standing in front of her were several >inconspicuous men of all ethnicity and walks of life, all made in a uniform >image courtesy of Xel: The new Mook-Maker 3000. >black suits and enough hardware to perforate every >centimeter of her body. Yarun: Each one was carrying a bag of nails? Kumiko: Cute, Princey. But right now I half expect Chow Yun-Fat'll walk around the corner. Not like anything that cool will actually happen here. Yarun: I'm rather hoping for Marta Nys, myself. >Before them stood a man with short violet hair and >a lupine look in his almond-colored eyes. Xel: [blink blink] ...Juuou-sama? Kumiko: Didn't it say a man? Xel: Oh. [blinks again] Well, with her, you never know... Kumiko: Or maybe Chichiri was really hard up for work. >He wore a white suit, and had a >golden rose pin on his jacket--the Rose Sigil. He also grasped a polished >wooden cane in his hand, obviously a weapon of some sort, though it was too >early to tell what sort of weapon it was, whether knife, gun, or club. >Little matter, she thought, as he'd probably brandish it in her direction >anyway. Yarun: Yes...it's in the villain's contract that he must tip his hand for the sake of style. > "Little thief, I will be generous to you today," he spoke, his voice >cloaked by Dutch accent, "if you return what you have stolen, we will be >merciful and let you live. You cannot know the true value of what is on >that hard disc, and we can ill-afford to let you go with such a treasure." Xel: [man]It contains the favourite recipes of every major world political figure! > Anthy bluffed while she ran a stratagem through her head: Kumiko: It went smoothly and unimpededly from one ear to the other. >"Perhaps >you're willing to pay me the price my employer would." Xel: [Man]I doubt I can match her...er, talent. > The man laughed gracefully, as though she was telling nothing more than >a pleasing joke. "Oh, miss, I'm sure we couldn't afford as much as whatever >government is paying you." Kumiko: [man]Yeah...we're so poor, we can't even afford door locks. > She gave a graceful shrug and replied, "Well, I'm afraid I can't turn it >over to you, then. A working girl has got to earn her cash somehow, you >understand." Yarun: Really, Anthy...you _must_ stop taking your lines from "Rejected Catwoman Lines" lists. > Her opponent laughed gently and replied, "Well, miss, I'm afraid you >won't be able to retrieve whatever payment they were offering you." Xel: [dramatically] Duhn duhn duhnnn.. >Taking >his cane in hand, he whipped off the wooden portion, revealing a sharp, >glistening rapier. Kumiko: Nope, no phallic symbolism here, none at all... Yarun: At least it has that much in common with Utena... >"It seems your time has come to an end, madame." Easily >sliding into the stance of a master fencer, the gentleman grinned. "It is >such a shame that I must kill you now." Yarun: [man]It was YOUR fault that I never became a Bond villain! > Anthy stood there, arms akimbo, leaning on one leg and appearing to be >amused at the challenge. After a second, she straightened herself and said, >"I think not." Yarun: ...Then she disappeared. Cartesian worlds can be a pain in the arse. Kumiko: OK, I think we have a winner for "biggest stretch for a joke." >Taking her hands, she raised them up towards her heart. > >"O Roses of the noble castle..." Yarun: What did I say? Cleavage. > A flare of light appeared between them, seeming to plunge into her body, >burrowing into her heart. Kumiko: That has to hurt... >Those around her stood, transfixed by the >dazzling display of arcane power that was dancing before them. Nori-6: ...in addition to the astounding accumulation of alliteration. Xel: Hey, it worked for Shakespeare. > "...O Power of Dios that slumbers within me..." Yarun: ...Audience that slumbers before me... Xel: Don't mind if I do. [tries to get comfy, laying across the seats, and thus her fellow riffers as well] > The light grew brighter and strobed, as though it was placing itself in >tune with Anthy's heartbeat. Xel: [man]Whoa...Citan sold me the good shit this time. Kumiko: Then she threw herself backwards in a highly suggestive manner...too bad nobody was there to catch her. >From no clear location, the air began to fill >with the spray of petals and the cloying scent of roses. Yarun: [Anthy]CHEVALIER ALLERGY ATTACK! >A microcosm of >stars, or motes of mana, the molecules of magic, danced to and fro in the >room, an acrobatic display of fireflies in formation. Yarun: [Kiki]Oooh...shiny! >"...Harken unto thy master and reveal to us..." > > Without missing a beat, she plunged a hand into the light, into her own >chest. The light, now spraying forward like a geyser, Kumiko: Funny, I thought geysers sprayed up. Xel: [John Lennon] It's a different religion from ours... I think. >appeared to be as >some sort of gateway to another realm, a far-off place or a corner of >another dimension, perhaps. Withdrawing her hand, she pulled out Kumiko: Her heart. The end. Xel: [To Kumiko] You know, I bet a little bit of couselling would help this death fetish of yours. Kumiko: [sarcastic]Right. And it'd help you stop being annoying... Xel: [cheerfully] No, I'm afraid I've already tried that. The therapist jumped from the sixteenth floor after an hour. Sad, that. >a long >sword as a spray of rose petals swirled around her, caught in a vortex that >started and ended from nowhere. > Raising the blade to the air, the light dissipated, Yarun: ...leaving the participle dangling. >though some sparks >raced along the edge of the sword, reaching the top and exploding in a >pyrotechnic display of ebullience. Kumiko: Huh? It should just kind of glint. Yarun: Now, now...she's already taking a lot of Paradox; no point not having fun with it. Xel: [in a dazed, druggie-esque tone] The colors... >Holding that blade a lot like a holy >talisman, Yarun: But not entirely...as if it were semi-holy, perhaps. >she sang out the final words of her chant, > >*...the power to revolutionize the world!*" Xel: Unfortunately, since she was a terrible singer, the horrid screech caused everyone within hearing distance to collapse as their eardrums exploded. The end. Kumiko: [thinks for a moment]Nah, too much of a stretch. Getting closer, though. Xel: [looks proud of herself] Yay! >@}>---`---,---- > >Ohtori, Kyushu, Japan Yarun: Houou, actually, if we assume the location to be consistent with the manga. Kumiko: Fanboy. >March 14, 200X > > Thousands of miles away in a prestigious academy in central Japan, the >bells on the northern spire of tallest school building began to toll. >Silent for about a decade, every head on the campus turned Yarun: Exactly _when_ did Ohtori turn into a mime school? >as the bells >pealed once more out into the world. Created with no easy way to reach >them, the bells were not controlled by mechanical or manual means. Some >said that it was just a recording; others said it was magic. But there was >no mistaking the movement of the bells and the fact that they were singing >aloud on this bright day. Kumiko: Yeah, we get it...the bells are ringing. Can we move on already? > On the northern end of the campus, a woman in her mid twenties walked >towards an unknown destination. From the manner of her dress, she was >obviously a member of the faculty. Xel: She had the standard-issue cat's eye glasses and riding crop. >A little bit along her way, she >approached another woman her age, also a member of the faculty. The pair >met in an open walkway, in front of a red marble fresco of roses and vines. Yarun :Not as if this is of much help, as ninety percent of Ohtori is made up of frescos, roses and vines... > "Have you heard?" one asked. > "Have I heard?" the other replied. > "Do you know? Do you know?" Xel: Can't have an Utena fic without the Shadow Girls... Kumiko: But..._teachers_? That must be one hard class. Understand anything and you get an A. > "Know of?" Xel: Of? Doesn't he play shortstop? Yarun: No, that's I Don't Give A Damn. > "The bells!" > "The bells?" > "Yes! The bells!" > "The bells that are singing, the bells that toll?" > "The bells that have not pealed since a long time ago." Kumiko: Could you KNOCK IT OFF with the bells? > "Why do they toll?" Yarun: Perhaps to mourn the cleverness of the original shadow plays, sadly departed here? > "Perhaps it is time." > "It is time?" Xel: Time for this horrible scene to end, mayhap? Yarun: Oh, I certainly hope so. [claws around in his pockets for the earplugs seen earlier] > "It is time, and the puppets draw near." > "And will they dance once more for the master that holds the strings?" Yarun: [Bela Lugosi]Pull the strings....PULL THE STRINGS... > "It is all a matter of who controls the red strings." > "The red strings?" > "Yes, the red strings." > "Do you know?" > "Do you know?" > "Do you really, really know?" Xel: [banging her head against the chair] I really [wham] don't think [wham] I can handle [wham] much more of this [wham] form of torture... [wham] Kumiko: [muttering]And to think he...she...was supposed to drive _us_ crazy... >@}>---`---,---- > Anthy slid comfortably into a kendo stance, holding her blade at a >forward angle, ready for combat. The katana seemed to vibrate with power, Kumiko: Looks like Akio rubbed off on her a little too much... >more like a living thing than a weapon. Xel: Or like a living thing's "weapon". Kumiko: [sarcastic]Isn't that original? >And in a sense, it was. She'd >learned a long time ago that the Sword of Dios, still within her after so >long, Nori-6: ...entirely due to authorial whim, as she no longer held the Power of Dios... Xel: Deus ex machinae. Gotta love it. >could never be at her beckon call. Xel: [shakes head]Writing like that will never win a pullet surprise... >It was an extension of her soul, >the part of her that she could not control. Yarun: I'll take "rejected Rush lyrics" for 200. >In short, the Sword was not so >much a weapon as a slave collar for Anthy, and as long as she retained the >blade within herself, she would remain free. Kumiko: [sarcastic]Funny, I thought she'd been guilty about something. So it was just the sword? Huh... Xel: [pats her shoulder] There, there. You can't really do anything about ignorant authors, Kumi-chan. ....Unless... [looks around] anyone got a sniper rifle? Yarun: [Quiet, a bit lost in thought]Opera... Xel: [blink] Opera? I'm not sure if that would be as efficient as a sniper, quite honestly... Yarun: Er...she is one... > But six years ago, during a botched operation in Vienna, she was set >upon by a pair of thugs that were not just interested in retrieving the >stolen jewels she had, but something a little more personable. Yarun: Those jewels are just _so_ unfriendly. > Feeling no >desire to be raped by anyone, much less those two, Kumiko: ...undescribed generic knifelickers... >she canted the old spell >that would bring forth the sword, but this time, she reached in to grasp it >herself, feeling that if there was anyone who had a right to control of that >sword, it would be her. What she pulled out was not the Sword of Dios, but Yarun: A long string of coloured scarves and underwear. Xel: And thigh masters! >something she'd long since named the Sword of Roses. > By appearances, the Sword of Roses had the appearance of a collector's >weapon, a piece of art to be hung on a wall and never used. Kumiko: In other words, something a real sword collector would consider crap. >A Japanese >katana, the entire sword, from the tip of the tsubo, to Nori-6: -the unnecessary comma- Kumiko: Tip..tsubo? But...it's round and flat... >the edge of the >blade, was a highly polished gold, making it fantastically valuable. Nori-6: Should that not also make the blade unusably heavy? Kumiko: Not to mention that it would probably break on the first blow... >The >tsubo itself was bound in a dusty rose-colored fabric, the guard ironically >a hollowed out version of the Rose Sigil. Kumiko: [VERY confused]But...the tsubo _is_ the guard...oh, wait. Bound...he thinks it's the hilt. >On the pommel was a ruby engraved >with the Sigil, the same as which rested on her ring. Nori-6: It was surrounded by a palpable aura of distorted grammar. >In truth, however, >she'd learned that the golden metal of her sword may as well have been >invincible, as there were few things that she found that the blade couldn't >penetrate. Yarun: Of course...the fat faerie inside the pyramid doesn't do poor work. > Looking at her opponent, she flashed her foe a smile, the grin a >composite of a wolf's predatory grimace and a genuine roué's smirk, as she >said, "And I think we are ready." Xel: Why does the thought of Anthy showing any emotion on her face seem as probable as me telling everyone any secret they ask about? > The look of the blade did not go unnoticed. Yarun: [man]My friend Auric should like that... > "So, our little footpad seems to be armed, and with a blade that bears >the Sigil," her opponent replied. "You are not entirely who you appear to >be, madame." He bowed gracefully. "If I may be so bold as to ask of your >name?" Xel:[Anthy] Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca IV, but you can call me Chevalier. Kumiko: [Anthy]Call me Rosie and you die. > "I am Chevalier," she replied, "and I wonder what you know of the Sigil >and what it stands for. Now, then, sir, may I inquire as to you?" Kumiko: [Man]The Sigil? Just thought it looked cool, is all. Yarun: [Anthy]This is a surprise audit...as you are a terrorist, I may safely assume you have significant undeclared income, non? > "Ah yes, you may, my Chevalier de la Malchance," he replied, earning a >baleful look from Anthy. With a flourish, he bowed towards the young woman. >"My name is Wilhelm Van Dressen, but you may call me Wil, and I shall call >you to your grave!" Kumiko: [man]My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. >With that, he pounced towards Anthy, rapier darting >forth. Kumiko: ...out of his hand and onto the floor. > Anthy merely flicked her wrist and blocked the blade in one easy motion. >Catching Wil's blade in an easy motion, she parried him away, then struck on >her own, slashing the blade in a furious dance that the young man had to >hustle to keep up with. Sparks flew as the blades clashed in a sword combat >that enveloped many different styles. Yarun:...and very little description. Xel:Well, it seems descriptive enough, in a highly redundant, unclear sort of way... > Feinting back, Anthy moved to her left Xel: [singing]It's just a jump to the left... >and performed a reverse-handed >slash that brought Kumiko: A copyright-infringement suit from Vicious. >her blade towards Wil's hands, a move that he was forced >to step away from. Leaping back a foot or two, he snarled in a semi-jovial >tone, "My, you are good, miss. It will truly be a shame to kill one such as >you." Kumiko: [Wil]On the other hand, your head will look great over the fireplace. [There is a brief waviness in the air around Xel.] Xel: [blinks rapidly] Eh? Nori-6: The form-locking effect binding you appears to have ceased. Xel: [changes back to male] Yatta! [pauses thoughtfully] ... [changes to female again, hops into Yarun's lap and purrs at him] Yarun: [entirely elsewhere]...Good kitty...*^^*<3 Kumiko: [shaking head]And "she" was a guy two seconds ago... Yarun: [snapping out of it]If I had a problem with masculine minds, would I have ever gotten involved with you? [Kumiko's backhand slap thwaps against a hastily-produced shield of Xel's] Xel: [wags a finger at her] Now now, play nice! [curls up against Yarun] Hehe. Meow. [purrs some more] > Anthy merely squinted her eyes like a lion on the hunt Kumiko: Yeah...lion that needs glasses maybe. She lose her contacts in one of those impossible stunts? >and moved in for >a second round of attacks. Charging forward, blade in hand like a sunbeam, Nori-6: Unless Utena physics is far more drastically unusual than it first appears, grasping photons should be a difficult proposition at best. >she moved in for a strike. Yarun: And the fic took a skip. >All around her, the guards that had fought her >stared, mesmerized by everything she'd done so far. Yarun: [guard 1]You think we ought to help the boss or something? Xel: [guard 2]Hell no--I've got 200 euro on the girl! > Wil himself knew that he was in for a challenge and not by an errant >person running around with a pigsticker. Kumiko: She'd already cut the hell out of the grammar. Xel and Yarun:[Daffy Duck] Haha! Ho! Thrust! Perry! Spin! >Seeing her move, he followed suit, >picking up speed and racing towards her in a jousting strike, Xel: So where'd the horse come from? Yarun: He borrowed it from Cowboy Andy. >both >combatants headed towards a point where only one would win the day. Kumiko: That's kind of...the idea of a fight, isn't it? Xel: One would certainly think so. > He was expecting a serious challenge. Yarun: The raspberry and middle finger were a bit of a shock. > She would give it to him. Xel:[Anthy] I'll teach him how to really cross swords! Now where did I drop that strap-on... > Just not in the manner he expected. Yarun: [Anthy]No-holds-barred strip mah-jong! > A few feet from where they would connect, Anthy bounded into the air and >spun like a ballerina in flight. Yarun: Taking lessons from Morrigan, is she? Kumiko: Wil then brought up his sword and made spiral-cut Chevalier. >Coming out of her turn, she noted that Wil >had not expected that and stared at her with complete confusion. Seizing >her advantage, she came down on splits, golden blade slamming against >surgical steel and slicing through it with the efficiency of a laser though >paper. Xel: Why anyone would stand and gawk at an armed sword wielder spinning through the air like a dreidel instead of simply holding out their sword and waiting for the landing is beyond me... >There was the clang as the severed half of Wil's blade clattered >against the floor, giving Anthy all the distraction she needed. The second >she hit the deck, Nori-6: Should that not have preceded the blade striking the ground? >she executed a foot sweep on her astonished opponent, >dropping him against the floor, where his head impacted against the tiling, >knocking him out. Kumiko: Looks to me more like somebody snuck up behind him with a comma. > Knowing that wasn't going to be enough to keep them busy, Anthy >scrambled back to her feel Yarun: [Anthy]Must get back to my crucial mas- Kumiko: PRINCEY! >while the guards were still off kilter, and >taking a couple quick steps, vaulted over one side of the ring of thugs, >while pulling something out of her pocket and releasing it. Xel: [guard]Eek! A mouse! Run! >The chemical >balls scattered in the air and crumpled as they impacted against whatever >they hit, producing heavy amounts of smoke, giving the young woman the >perfect cloak under which to escape. Kumiko: [Tsuneo]Anthy covered her escape with a quick toss of a smoke bomb. > Footfalls tapping rapidly on the pavement as she ran towards the stairs >at the other end of the lobby, she heard someone cough, *"GET HER!"* as the >staccato rumble of gunfire began to sound off behind her again. Yarun: [Peter Venkman]So that was your whole plan, Ray. "Get her." >Turning >when she needed to and swinging her blade for what it was worth, she was >able to parry the few rounds that had come perilously close to hitting her. Kumiko: If she's sharp enough to do that, can't she just Vash around and keep moving? Xel: But that wouldn't be as "cool" and "sword-fighter-ish." [makes little quotation motions in the air with her fingers] >But she couldn't do more than that if she was to escape. > Reaching the end of the hall, she met up with another guard with a >shotgun. The guard pumped once, Nori-6: ...ejecting a perfectly good shell. >then roared, *"DROP IT OR I DROP YOU, >BITCH!!!!"* Kumiko: [Lina]Great. It's the battle of the cliche men. >To prove her intent, the woman turned the gun to the air and >fired once, expelling the dozens of small balls into the ceiling, before >pumping it once more and leveling it at Anthy... Kumiko: Who'd left while she was showing off. Xel: No, I think anything like this is violently opposed to logic. >...who was already reacting. As the woman had turned to fire it into the >air, Anthy reached into her pocket, producing another weapon to be used >against her opponent. Yarun: Is that a weapon of mass destruction in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? >Despite what she was and what she had been, Anthy >never wanted to cross the line at killing. Yarun: Except, perhaps, for random mooks being blown out windows... >People lived short lives, and >people in shadowy businesses tended to live even shorter; Anthy wanted no >part in being the one to do the shorting. Kumiko: Funny, I didn't know lives had a derivatives market. >Retrieving her weapon, she >flicked her hand out, releasing it against her enemy. Yarun:Chevalichu used Bad Description Blast! Xel:Nameless Thug Fainted! > The matte black yo-yo lashed out, Kumiko: So _that's_ what it is. >slamming against the woman's hand, >causing her to drop the shotgun; it clattered against the floor but >thankfully did not go off, as it landed pointed in Anthy's direction. Kumiko: Thankfully for her, maybe. >Flinging her sword away, she buried it almost to the hilt in the marble >wall, before coming up against the woman, who was rushing for the shotgun. Yarun: It was quite safe, though; the barrel was blocked with an unnecessary comma. >Dashing in close, she brought her knee up, nailing the woman in the chest. >As she gasped for air, Xel: Eh? What's wrong with Anthy? Yarun: I think they're talking about the mook. >the thief brought a chop down on the back of her >neck, taking her down. Kumiko: Pronoun abuse is a terrible thing...don't let it happen to _your_ story. > Finally at the stairs, Anthy retrieved her sword and slipped it into the >holding loop she sewed onto her pants for such an occasion; Yarun: I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Xel: Now let's see how you USE it. [takes that occasion to try and not-so-discreetly get Yarun's pants off] Kumiko: [raps Xel on top of the head]I _don't_ want to see that. >she didn't dare >banish it back within her, as she still might need it. Nori-6: Unlike that clause, which is entirely unnecessary. Xel: Sort of like the rest of this story. >As she opened the >door, she got the shock of her life: the door that was marked as a stairway, >was in fact a janitor's closet; the blueprints had been outdated! Xel: [Anthy, sarcastic]Silly me, they quietly change major structural features _all_ the _time_! >Looking >at the elevator at the other side, she saw that the cars were on the ground >level; they were probably turned off right now due to her situation, anyway. Kumiko: Why else would they all be in the same place, genius? > The small army of hired guns was headed her way, and there would be no >chance for a second escape, this time. Yarun: [Darth Vader]The Princess will not escape, this time. >There were not many options outside >of fighting, which was suicide; trying to hide, which was pointless; Kumiko: I don't know...with the stunning displays of brainpower here, they might forget pretty fast. >and >trying to climb down the elevator shaft, which would make her a sitting >duck. Right now, her fate was slipping slowly out... > ((Slipping slowly out?)) Yarun: [Azeem]We need no great feat of strength...but great strength of feet. Xel: Huh? Yarun: Sounded appropriate somehow... > She looked to the window, which gave a scene of downtown Munich in all >its beauty. She looked at the shotgun, which was still loaded and hadn't >fired. Kumiko: [Anthy]Wai! Two ways out of this fic! > An idea germinated in her head, and as she plotted it, she grinned. Xel: She then took the gun to her head, and put herself out of our misery. The end. >@}>---`---,---- [Once again, the image pauses mid-dissolve, overlain by the ASCII rose.] Kumiko: Looks like we get another break. [Everyone stands and files out. Xel (still female)attempts to get Yarun to carry "her", fails, and ends up carrying the prince herself.] TO BE CONTINUED The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept and running jokes are property of Best Brains International and Joel Hodgson. Xellos[s] belongs to Hajime Kanzaka and SOFTX, and has been lovingly borrowed by Emiko-kun. Alielle belongs to Pioneer and AIC. The other characters used in this MSTing are my own, created for a (planned)manga-style comic, and belong to Fortuna Samizdat Productions. Shoujo Kakumei Utena is property of Be-Papas and Shogakukan. "L'Chevalier de la Malchance" belongs to Rob Barba and no offense is meant, just humourous C&C. DadyTengu can be reached at.... JChance4d4@prodigy.net My page: http://www.angelfire.com/anime3/dtengu Emiko-kun can be reached at.... cruentus@shadow.zzn.com Her page: http://www.stormpages.com/cruentus ________________________________________________________________________________________________ > Torturous minutes went by as both portable drive and laptop hummed and >buzzed together in a choral duet, >the blinking data access lights of the two >mated items becoming a symphonic, hidden code between lovers of a sort.