[The SOL. Crow is standing off at one end, by himself. Joel and Tom walk in from the other end, arguing.] JOEL: Tom, you're being unreasonable! TOM: I'm being unreasonable? Look, Joel, just because your psyche is so fragile that you'll entertain any ridiculous illusion rather than face an occassional bleak truth... oh, hi Crow. CROW: Hi, Tom. What's wrong with Joel? TOM: Oh, nothing much... he's just completely unwilling to accept the existence of the new world order! CROW: We've got a new world order? TOM: Of course we do! Look at all the fanfics we've been getting for the last few years! The writing's all on the wall! [Joel sighs.] JOEL: Tom, we've gone over all this before... those were just made up, stories written by fans. They aren't real! TOM: Oh, sure, Joel, go on burying your head in the sand if you want. But we both know that the Earth has been conquered by a super-race of neon haired, big eyed, henshining, two-dimensional teenage girls whether you like it or not! CROW: A world filled entirely with nubile superwomen? Say, this doesn't sound too bad... JOEL: You're missing the point! The world isn't overrun by anime people, because anime people by definition AREN'T REAL! They're IMAGINARY characters with IMAGINARY powers set in an IMAGINARY continuity! [A pause. Tom and Crow exchange glances.] CROW: I think I see what you mean. TOM: He's off in his own little world... [The mads' light starts to flash.] TOM: Oh, great. Well, Joel? Aren't you going to answer, or are the mads imaginary in your world too? JOEL: Ha, ha, very funny. [Joel reaches over and hits the button.] CROW: Waitasec-- shouldn't Dr. Forrester and Frank be anime babes too? TOM: They're masters of disguise. CROW: Ah... [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing in the foreground. Be- hind them is a man-sized glass tube.] DR. F: Hello Joel, Thomas, Art... ready for today's invention exchange? [SOL. Joel and the bots are sitting around a computer hooked up to a printer.] JOEL: Definitely, sir. Our invention is based on the idea that contrivances, like all forms of power, may be used for either good or evil. To that end, we have created this, the "Patriot" contrivance. Just as American missiles were fired in the Gulf War to intercept enemy missiles, so this device will create contrivances to protect innocent people from the worst that fanfic- tion can dish out. CROW: Yes, kids, two wrongs *do* make a right! TOM: Allow us to demonstrate. [Joel starts typing at the keyboard.] JOEL: For example, in "Bloodbath", the, um, incomparable Nav makes like Mac- Guyver and absorbs a big ol' electric attack into a teensy-weensy li'l light bulb. We simply enter the data into the Patriot Contrivance, and... [A sheet of paper comes out of the printer. Crow looks at it.] CROW: Solution--the REAL MacGuyver comes out of nowhere and beats the crap out of Nav for stealing his shtick! [Joel starts typing again.] JOEL: Next, let's try a passage from "A Sorcerer, A Demon, And Emeralds", which takes place in part on the Floating Continent with no explanation, despite the fact that it had been reduced to atoms from the very beginning! We put it into the Patriot Contrivance, and... [Another sheet of paper comes out of the printer.] TOM: Solution--one of the city sized ships from "Independence Day" crashes into the Floating Continent while the pilot is checking his map, destroying them both! CROW: A bad movie *and* a bad fanfic taken out with one shot! [Joel goes back to the keyboard.] JOEL: Finally, let's look at the appallingly contrived "The Sailor Scouts Meet Chris Caldwell". Among numerous lesser offenses, Chris bends not one but *three* Scouts/Senshi to his will due to newly-made up events in the Silver Millenium! TOM: Patriot Contrivance says... [Another sheet comes out of the printer.] CROW: Unknown to anyone, during the Silver Millenium Chris contracted an extremely lethal, incurable disease. He dies a horrible, lingering death, and Sailor Moon and the others are freed! TOM: Good triumphs over evil once more! JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [Deep 13] DR. F: Not bad! Not good, but still not bad! Still, it's nothing compared to my latest masterpiece! I give you... the Self-Inserter! [SOL] TOM: [snickers] That's the best name you could come up with? CROW: Sounds like a porn star... [Deep 13] DR. F: A porn star? Why, this device has the power to make any man, woman, or child a self-insertion god in their own universe! [SOL] JOEL: Uh-huh. CROW: Sure it will. [Deep 13] DR. F: Frank! Into the tube! FRANK: Me? Why me? DR. F: I'm certainly not going in there until we've put in a test animal! FRANK: [sighs] Yes, your evilness... [Frank walks inside the tube, which slides shut afterwards.] FRANK: Ready when you are, sir. DR. F: Excellent! Now then, boobies, get ready to watch history in the making! [Dr. Forrester flips a switch, and the entire invention... well, blows up.] FRANK: AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!! DR. F: [winces] That's why I didn't go in there myself... [A beam of light shoots out of the top of the invention and crashes through the ceiling. Cut to a cheesy-looking shot of the beam traveling through space, eventually hitting the SOL itself.] [Inside the SOL, Joel gets hit by the beam.] JOEL: AGH! *ZAP* TOM & CROW: Joel! [Joel falls over, smoking. The bots run over to him.] TOM: Joel, are you alright? CROW: Can I have your CD player if you're not? JOEL: [gets up, still smoking] Yeah, I'm... I'm fine, I guess... [Deep 13. What's left of it, anyway.] DR. F: Oh, well. Anyway, Joel, your fanfic today is yet another crossover from the--ahem--brilliant mind that is Victor Von Doom. It's titled "Legends of the Dark Knight", and it's about as soul crushing as you'd expect. Enjoy, or rather, don't, I suppose. FRANK: [weakly] Medic... [SOL again. Lights, klaxons, the usual.] TOM: Are you sure you're alright, Joel? JOEL: I guess I'll have to be, 'cause WE'VE GOT CROSSOVER SIGN! [Joel and the bots exit.] 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... [Joel and the bots file in and take their seats.] > Legends of the Dark Knight > The Sailor Moon Crossover JOEL: Gee, Victor Von Doom writing a Sailor Moon crossover, never would have seen *that* coming... > Episode 1 CROW: The Fanboy Menace. TOM: Oh, that's *real* clever. > A deadly laugh JOEL: But enough about Fran Drescher. >Serena and Ami were leaving Juban High school after a normal day of school, >as usual Serena was crying because she failed in a math test. TOM: As usual. CROW: Victor Von Doom--he's not just predictable, he's *proud* of it! >-Come on Serena is not the end of the world, CROW: Well, I'd certainly hope not! JOEL: Yeah. If the world was destroyed by a girl in a fuku with a plastic- looking wand, I don't think we'd ever be able to live it down. >besides if you study hard you >will get a better grades. TOM: [Ami] That, or we'll finally have concrete proof that your pea-sized brain is incapable of complex thought! Won't that be great? >Ami said. > >Suddenly Serena stopped to read a sign on the wall. TOM: [Serena] Hmm... say, Ami, have we "got milk?" >-Look Ami, millionaire Bruce Wayne will be here tomorrow for the opening of >his new mall, you want to come with me ? [pause] CROW: Bruce Wayne. Opening a mini-mall. In Japan. TOM: What's wrong with this picture? JOEL: "Quick! To the Bat-Starbucks!" >-But I have to study I’m only two chapters ahead from the rest of the class >and.. TOM: [Ami] Mom says one more A minus, and I'm out on the street! >-Come on Ami give it a rest once and a while. > >Finally the blue haired girl accepted the invitation.- After that both went >home and the next day after school Ami and Serena along with their friends >Rei, Lita JOEL: ...Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy, Happy, and Doc... there, I think that's it. CROW: What about Dopey? >and Mina JOEL: Satisfied? [Tom rimshots.] >went to the mall to see the opening, Mr. Wayne gave a >very impressive speech JOEL: --But we won't show it to you. After all, it wouldn't do to have the story get too interesting, now would it? >after which he opened the doors of the place, >suddenly Ami felt a hand on her shoulder, it was an old man wearing a suite >and glasses. TOM: Wearing a suite? He's carrying a hotel room on his back? CROW: Hey, wait a minute-- maybe we've been underestimating Von Doom's intelligence! I mean, portable sleeping quarters could change the face of vacationing as we know it! JOEL: You mean, like tents? CROW: Oh. Right. >-May I help you ? > >Asked the supprised girl > >-Yes miss, I’m Alfred, Mr. Wayne’s butler, my master wants to see you. CROW: You know what he's really saying... JOEL: Crow! TOM: Still, you have to admire his straightforwardness. >-Me ? > >-Yes, would you please come with me ? > >She walked with the man while Serena and the others followed her closely, >finally they got to the area were Bruce Wayne was waiting for her. > >-Master Bruce, JOEL: [Bruce] I'm not Batman! I mean... yes, Alfred? >Miss Anderson is here. > >-Thank you Alfred, Hi Miss Anderson, I’m Bruce Wayne. CROW: [Bruce] And I'm not Batman. Really, I'm not. >-Glad to meet you Mr. Wayne but please call me Ami. > >-Glad to meet you Ami, and call me Bruce, I have heard a lot about you, >they say that you are the best student in town, is that true ? TOM: [Ami] I deny everything! You could search for YEARS and not find the bodies! AHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--wait a minute. What was the question? >She blushed before answering. > >-Well...yeah. > >-I have an offer to make, I like to help students like you by offering them >scholarships in Gotham University, I want you to... CROW: [opens his mouth, then closes it again.] JOEL: Nothing comes to mind for once? CROW: No, it's just too easy. I do have some standards, you know. TOM: Since when? CROW: Shut up. >Suddenly a security guard appeared with Serena and the others, > >-Sorry to bother you Mr. Wayne, but I found this girls trying to sneak in. TOM: Gasp! Not mall spies! JOEL: [Guard] I can't be sure, sir, but I think they were trying to steal our secret formula for soft ice cream! >-I told you to ask the guard but nooo you wanted to sneak in, I don’t know >why do I agree with you sometimes, Serena ! ! > >-But you didn’t wanted to ask him did you Rei? ! [pause] TOM: [Rei] Um... no? CROW: There's definitely something wrong with that sentence... >Answered Serena > >-I’m sorry Mr. Wayne, this is not the normal behavior of my friends. TOM: [Bruce] Forget about it. Of course, you do realize I'll have to have them executed for this. >-Don’t worry Ami, Guard let them go. > >-Yes sir. JOEL: I don't believe this! These little delinquents have the nerve to just waltz into a mini-mall on its opening day, and they don't even get punished? CROW: That's the problem with the world today. No discipline. >-Now Ami, I was about to ask if you want to come with me to Gotham for a >week to check college and see if you like it, so I can give you a >scholarship, you can bring your friends if you like to. CROW: Wow. Bruce has a lot of spare time on his hands, doesn't he? TOM: [condescendingly] The Joker's on another killing spree, and Ra's Al Ghul is about to take over the world, but that's all right, Bruce. You go ahead and talk to your little students. >-But I have to go to school and.. > >-Don’t worry about that, I already hired a special teacher so neither you >or your friends will stand behind your classmates in school. Tom: [Bruce] You'll have to sit behind them. Sorry. >With that Ami accepted. > >-OK Ami then I will see you and your friends tomorrow in the airport, >Alfred will pick you up at 7 :00 am > >The girls were happy, they were going on a week trip with one of the worlds >richest men, CROW: [falsetto] Dude... this is some *good* shit, man... TOM: This entire story is pretty week, if you ask me. >the next day Alfred picked the girls and then he headed >towards the airport where Bruce was waiting for them. TOM: ...with a CHAINSAW! CROW: [Bruce] Lousy upstart japanimation freaks... I'll teach you to try and compete with my TV series! >-Hi girls, welcome. TOM & CROW: [falsetto] Hello, Charlie... JOEL: [Bruce] Hello, angels! >-Which flight is ours ? > >Asked Mina > >With a smile on his face Alfred answered : > >-None miss, Mr. Wayne flies in his own jet, please follow me. TOM: [Alfred] The rest of you, of course, will have to run after the plane on foot... and once we reach the water, you're on your own. You do know how to swim, don't you? >-His own plane ?Whoa ! > >Added Lita JOEL: [hushed] We've replaced the author's usual Lita with Joey Lawrence. Let's see if anyone notices. >In a few minutes everything was settled and the five girls where in the air >flying towards Gotham city. TOM: Tragically, their plane crashed in the mountains and they had to eat Luna and Artemis to survive. Can we go now? >- Once there a limousine was waiting for them, >as usual Serena messed everything. > >-Here Mr. Wayne let me get you a cab. ALL: [laugh weakly] JOEL: The guardian of Earth, ladies and gentlemen. CROW: We're doomed. >Rei putted her hand in Serena’s mouth, while excusing her to Bruce. > >-Sorry Mr. Wayne she is a little clumsy once and a while. CROW: In the sense that liquid nitrogen is a little chilly. >-Don’t worry Rei, this is my car. > >The girls were really impressed when they saw the luxury of Bruce Wayne’s >life.- In a matter of minutes they arrived to Wayne’s Manor, CROW: Stately Wayne Manor... JOEL: I don't know, Crow, it's just not as funny when it's true. >there Bruce’s >sidekick Dick Grayson was waiting for them, he was impressed with Mina’s >beauty. TOM: He felt that Mina was a very attractive girl, and felt certain... urges in his pants. He wondered if these feelings were normal. >-Bruce, you told me that you were going to bring one of the best students >in Japan but you never told me that you were going to bring someone so >beautiful. JOEL: [Bruce] That's Alfred, Dick. CROW: [Dick] I knew that. >Mina blushed in a way that she looked like a fire truck. TOM: Oh, well, erm... gah? JOEL: Is that supposed to be a compliment? >-Well...he he...the genius is over there -she said pointing at Ami- but >thanks for the complement. > >He walked towards Ami and taking her right hand he kissed it softly. CROW: [Dick] Hmm, not bad... a slightly tangy aftertaste, but perhaps if I marinate her for a few hours... >- Ami >blushed at the sudden display of respect ALL: [cough, clear throats] CROW: Even I'm not gonna touch *that* one. >and answered as best as she could. > >-Well thanks for the warm welcome Mr. ? > >-Grayson, Dick Grayson , but don’t call me mister that is for Bruce, call >me Dick, OK ? TOM: [Ami] Not on a first date, I won't! CROW: [Dick] Though if you want, I suppose you could call me Mr. Dick. Or Dick Grayson. Or Mr. Dick Grayson--to tell the truth, I don't care what you call me as long as the word "dick" is in there somewhere. >-OK Dick-she said smiling-Bruce told us a lot about you, it would be >interesting to play some chess with you. TOM: Yes, folks, Ami is always on the lookout for any poor sap to prove her intellectual superiority over! CROW: It's always nice when a girl can play with a Dick she knows and trusts. >-Hope so, tell me who are your charming friends over here ? JOEL: [Ami] Um, I've never seen them before in my life. And they're all lesbians, so don't waste your time on them. So, back to *me*... >-Oh. Sorry, they are Serena, Mina, Lita and Rei- she said pointing at each >of them- Bruce invited us to stay here for a week so I hope that we can get >along. TOM: [Dick] Sure, no problem! By the way, there aren't any secret passages behind the grandfather clock in the living room, so don't even think about setting the clock hands to the exact time that Bruce's parents died. CROW: [Dick] After all, it's not like he's Batman or anything. >-Sure. Alfred, please show the girls their rooms and help them unpack. > >-Yes master Dick. CROW: Man, being called "master dick" all day has to do wonders for your self-esteem. JOEL: I don't know, you have to consider the source. >When Mina was about to leave Dick holded her arm. > >-So, Mina how about going out with me tonight ? TOM: [Dick, cheerful] If you don't, I'll break your arm! >-Well, sure. > >Later that night Bruce, Dick and the five girls CROW: An exciting new lemon from the people who brought you "Wasyuu's Revenge"! >went to a reception in >Gotham University in which Bruce was going to talk about his plans for that >institution, meanwhile two figures talked in a deserted building in the >center of the city. > >-Well Joker what is your plan ? JOEL: [Joker] My plan? I thought you had the plan! CROW: [Scarecrow] I brought the plan last week! JOEL: [Joker] Oh, this is just great... we're in a perfectly good deserted building, I've got some nice evil vibes going, and nobody's got a plan! CROW: [Scarecrow] Why do we always have to meet in deserted buildings, anyway? Why don't you ever take me anyplace special? >-ha ha ha ha easy Scarecrow, we’re going to strike on Gotham University in >a few minutes, now come along ha ha ha ha ha ! ! ! ! TOM: [blinks] That's a plan? CROW: Well, in the sense that "hit the other guy until he stops moving" is a valid battle strategy. >Then both men got on board of a green and purple vehicle, other three cars >of the same colors followed them with armed men inside, CROW: Oh, please. If the Joker was a *real* clown, he'd be able to fit twice that many people in just one car. JOEL: Tell me about it. You know, being a clown used to mean something. >in the Auditorium >of Gotham University the party was at it’s best and the girls were having >the time of their lives, especially Mina who was dancing with Dick. TOM: Well, *I* hear the little tramp's been "dancing with Dick" for years now, if you take my meaning... >-So Mina, are you a genius like Ami ? > >-Well, uh well... not as much as she is but a littl... JOEL: [snooty] Oh, so she's only *kind of* a genius. CROW: [ditto] I bet that perpetual motion device she made last week only *nearly* keeps going forever, too. >He interrupted her by taking her chin and when he was about to kiss her a >mad laugh was heard > >-HA HA HA HA ! ! ! Well, well, well a party and we weren’t invited... JOEL: What makes it really ironic is that they actually *were* invited-- the invitations just got lost in the mail. CROW: It's a shame when shoddy postal work costs innocent lives. >At the sight of the Joker, Bruce made a sing to Dick who lefted Mina and TOM: Batman singing... now that's just plain wrong. JOEL: [Bruce] o/~Oh, I'm a crime-fighter and I'm okay...o/~ >she recived a sing herself from Serena, Bruce and Dick lefted the building >using a back door and headed towards the place where Alfred was waiting for >them with their car. > >-Emergency Alfred.. CROW: Yes--Emergency Alfred, the world's most polite superhero! TOM: Butler by day, courteously deferential crime-fighter by night! JOEL: I think you two need a hobby. >Both men entered the car and seconds later Batman and Robin where on their >way back to the auditorium, at the same time the five girls with their two >cats where in the other side of the building. JOEL: Oh, and the Sailor Scouts were off somewhere doing something, too, but they're not important right now. >-Girls you have to transform and stop that mad man > >-Sure thing Luna > >Answered Serena >-MOON PRISM POWER ! ! ! TOM: PHOBOS CONE POWER! JOEL: DEIMOS PYRAMID POWER! CROW: CALLISTO SPHERE POWER! >-MERCURY POWER ! ! ! TOM: ZINC POWER! >-MARS POWER ! ! ! JOEL: HERSHEY'S POWER! >-JUPITER POWER ! ! ! CROW: RUSH LIMBAUGH POWER! TOM: [blinks] Rush Limbaugh? CROW: Well, yeah. You know, both huge masses of hot gas... >-VENUS POWER ! ! ! ALL: AD NAUSEAM POWER! >Seconds later CROW: Only seconds?! Okay, they've definitely gotta be cutting back on the transformation scenes. >the five Sailor Scouts where on their way back to the >Auditorium where the Joker was stealing the property of the guests when >suddenly he heard a voice that supprised him JOEL: Hi, Joker? I'm TV personality Dick Clark, and you've just won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes! >-BUSTING A PARTY IS CRUEL, BUT DOING IT DRESSED LIKE A CLOWN MAKES IT >WORSE, CROW: Well, unless you're the stripper for some weird bachelor party. JOEL: Let's not go there. >I’M SAILOR MOON THE CHAMPION OF JUSTICE, I FIGHT WRONG AND TRIUMPH >OVER EVIL AND THAT MEANS YOU ! ! ! > >-uuuhhhh what is this five girls ? ALL: [laugh helplessly] CROW: [Joker] Huhuh. She said "moon". JOEL: For a criminal genius, the Joker doesn't catch on too quick, does he? >ha, ha, ha ! ! ! You better go back with >your mom’s before I... > >-SO WE MEET AGAIN PAINT FACE ! ! ! > >-Batman ! ! ! ! GET THEM ! ! ! > >shouted the Joker > >In seconds, ten men entered the place and runned towards Batman and Robin >who started a cruel fight, JOEL: Zowie! CROW: Ker-blammo! TOM: Pthok! JOEL: Galoosh! CROW: Strudel! TOM: ASTROTURF! [pause] JOEL: I think that's enough sound effects to last through the fight. >meanwhile Sailor Moon and the others moved >towards the Scarecrow who was ready for them. > >-STOP RIGHT THERE ! ! ! > >Shouted Sailor Mercury > >-Who is going to stop me ? You ? > >Taking a little skull from his suite JOEL: [Scarecrow] Ha! Unfortunately for you, there's a Hyatt next door! >he fired a black gas to Sailor >Mercury’s face, the blue haired girl started to cough and then when she >reacted she started to feel the effects of the Scarecrow’s fear gas, TOM: As previously implied by the word "reacted". >the >auditorium was no more, she found herself back in Juban High as Ami and she >was failing in every test she had, she saw Serena and the others but when >she tried to talk to them they ignored her, she clutched against the wall >and started to cry. CROW: [Ami] I'll... [sniff] I'll never be able to get caught in another fight between Serena and Rei again! [sob] Hey, wait a minute. TOM: [Ami] Mina will never try to nurse me back to health again, either! JOEL: [Ami] I know there's a downside to this somewhere, I just don't know what it is... >Sailor Moon and the others were feeling the effects of the was as well, >Serena found herself fighting against Tuxedo Mask, Rei saw the Cherry Hill >Temple on fire and her Grandfather dying inside, Mina saw horrible bruises >on her face, Lita saw her old boyfriend telling her that he hated her. [All snicker] TOM: Sailor Mercury and the others get horrible visions twisting the most important aspects of their lives. Mina, on the other hand, gets... bruises. CROW: [Mina] Now no one will ever compare me to a fire truck again! >Robin noticed the situation CROW: [Robin] Say, isn't that one of our arch-enemies over there? JOEL: [Batman] Hey, I think you're right! >and rushed to aid them wearing a gas mask, but >before he could get to them the Scarecrow took Sailor Venus hostage. > >-STOP BATMAN ! ! ! OR THE BEUTY HERE DIES ! ! ! > >To be continued.... TOM: Don't rush on our account. JOEL: That's enough for one sitting, guys. Let's go. [Joel and the bots exit the theater.] 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [Bridge of the SOL. Joel and two ridiculously gorgeous looking women are talking and laughing with each other. Tom and Crow enter from the right.] TOM: Hi, Jo--the hell? CROW: Wow! Who're *they*? JOEL: [notices Tom and Crow] Excuse me for a moment, ladies. [Joel walks over to Tom and Crow. The girls look disppointed.] JOEL: Tom, Crow, I'd like you to meet Cyndi and Candi. They're very pretty. CROW: So I've noticed... TOM: How'd you find them? JOEL: Oh, you know how it is... we bumped into each other, and things just sort of, you know, clicked. TOM: "Bumped into each other"?! WHERE? We live on a SPACESHIP, remember? JOEL: You're a nice guy, Tom, but you worry too much about the details. CYNDI: Joel, come back! [batts her eyelashes prettily] CANDI: We're lonely without you! JOEL: Sure thing, girls! See you later, Tom, Crow. [Joel walks back over to the girls. The commercial sign starts to flash.] JOEL: Oh, and we'll be right back, by the way. TOM: This is getting weird. CROW: Girl... pretty...