"These haughty words of hers have batt'red me like roaring cannon shot, And made me almost yield upon my knees." Duke Of Burgandy, *I Henry VI* ====================================================== Presenting "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER NIGHTS" by Nightbreak THE "DEATH SCOUTS" SAGA CONTINUES (A Non-Standard Sailor Moon MSTing) "The Death Scouts" is property of Sailor Destiny, and is MSTed with her permission. It's a great idea she had, folks, honestly. Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and some American Company that shall remain nameless. Mystery Science Theater is the property of Best Brains Inc. and other people who work with that show, which is now over. All copyrights are respectfully theirs. I don't have any money, anyways. So I doubt they would get anything out of suing me. Soi belongs to Watashi Yuu, the creator of Fushigi Yuugi. I make no claim on her. The Muppets are the property of the Jim Henson company. I make no claim on them and am just borrowing them for some warped fun. Isn't that what a Muppet is for, anyways? On The Record: Let the new team arise! And thanks to Sailor Destiny, who is such a wonderful sport. Give her a hand, folks. Preferably not a severed one. *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 1923 HOURS* *2323 AT THE PAN-AMERICAN GAMES* *AND BANKS ARE STILL MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY* *Rustle* "Royal Wedding's over." "Yep." *Rustle Rustle* "The Red Sox lost again." "Oh, yeah." "Mmm-hmm." *Rustle* "Elvis isn't in his coffin." "Not surprising," Soi murmured, flipping the pages of her newspaper. "What's a nine-letter word for tyrant?" "FORRESTER!" Joel and Tom chorused, immersed in their own papers. Then Joel looked at his watch. "What's keeping Crow?" "Yes, that's right. "Lonely inventor with two mechanical devices seeking companionship, change of scenery. Preferably female, *not* a movie lover. . ." "Crow, what are you doing?" Looking up from the cell phone, Crow blinked. "Whoops. Um, just end it with, "Appreciation of electronics required." Yes. Bill Dr. Clayton Forrester, just like before. Goodbye." Rolling up her paper, Soi swatted the bot over his headnet. "Like before?" she snapped. "Hey," Crow replied, dodging the blows, "How do you think Dr. F. Got all those calls from the Nude Psychic Midget Circus Stars organization?" "Yeah, and he got so irritated about it that he sent us "Inspector Gadget" straight from the multiplex!" Tom retorted. "You want to sit through that again?" The strobing lights once again interrupted the argument. "Hold the phone, guys. Sleepless in Seattle are calling." *DEEP 13* "Ah, good evening, Funny Pages," sneered Dr. Clayton Forrester. "I trust that you've been checking out the fashion pages for something to wear, because we're having company tonight!" "Giant insects *again*?" "No, gumball beak. I have just had a call from a fellow scientist. He's heard of my extraordinary efforts and would like to see them up close and personal this evening. So, be on your best behaviour or I'll cancel your subscriptions! Now, show me your invention for today, or I'll think of something worse than cancelling your subscriptions!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Shaking up a can of what looked like spray paint, Joel nodded. "Right-ho, sir! Well, since Viagra has taken care of one of mens' most pressing problems, we've decided to turn our attention to the next one." "I still say we were on the right track with the shellac and paint roller." Crow muttered. "We're, of course, talking about baldness," Joel continued, ignoring Crow. "We all hate the idea of losing our hair, having it clog the shower drain every morning, stuff like that. So to keep ourselves looking young and fit, I invented this." He rattled the spray can once more, aimed it at Tom, then pressed the plunger. Long strands of golden hair shot out of the nozzle and enveloped his bubbledome, turning him into a miniature robotic Fabio. Joel set the can down again. "As you can see, sir, I've genetically spliced a few different kinds of sprays together. Silly String, tire sealant, hair spray, and a smattering of Grecian Formula, for selecting the right colour. And thanks to the waterproofing sealant, you can shower in it! What do you think, sirs?" *DEEP 13* "Nothing short of a close shave, Joel," Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Now, on to . . . " *ZIP!* "Ack!" Dr. F. blinked as Frank shot straight up off the floor and attached himself to the ceiling. "Odd. Frank, you haven't been playing around with that reverse bungee cord again, have you?" Flat on his back against the roof of Deep 13, Frank shook his head. "Well . . ." *ZIP!* "ACK!!!" The doors to Deep 13 ground open to admit two people. One was a smaller, greenish man with a round head and glasses. He wore a white lab coat and was carrying a small remote control. The other was taller, skinnier, and had a mop of wild red hair. His eyes bulged out, as opposed to his partner's, which were mere slits. On his head was resting a vintage World War I helmet and he cradled an ancient rifle in his arms. The balding scientist glanced up to where Frank and Dr. Forrester were firmly stuck on their backs. "Ah, good evening, Doctor. My name is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of Muppet Labs, and this is my assistant, Beaker. We spoke on the phone earlier, I believe?" "I'd hardly call this professional courtesy," snarled Dr. Forrester. "Professional? My dear doctor, I am a scientist, not a power-mad, ego-driven, maniac out to rule the world." "Meep meep meep meep!" Bunsen shrugged. "Quite right, Beaker. I *do* act like that every Thursday before lunch. But my interest in world domination is still strictly scientific. Just like my latest invention, the Money Magnet. As you can see, its attraction towards currency is so strong, it is keeping you pinned up there by nothing more than the change in your pockets." "Gee, it's a good thing you left all those gold bars on the Satellite, sir," Frank mused. "Shut up, Frank." Bunsen glanced over at the viewscreen. "Satellite? Ah, yes. Your experiment. You know, Doctor, we at Muppet Labs are quite interested in your theories. In fact, I've been hoping to attempt my own duplication of your work, but certain things such as financing are rather difficult these days. So I intend to borrow your resources for a short while, if you don't object." Ignoring Dr. Forrester's sputtering, Bunsen waved cheerily at Joel and the bots. "Hello, my dear guinea pigs! Your achievements so far have been incredible, but I'm afraid I already have some volunteers to replace you. Beaker, activate the Muppet Labs teleporter, please." "Meep meep! Meep!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Before they could scream, Joel, Soi, and all three of the bots vanished in bright flashes of light. A few seconds of silence ensued. Then . . . *FWUMP* "Ohhh, did I clear the chickens?" A blue-coloured *thing* with a hooked nose sat up from behind the console. "Wait a . . . this isn't the Muppet Show Theater!" A pig with blond hair and a sparkling evening gown popped up to join him. "Kermie? Fozzie? Anyone?" She blinked as she peered out. "Bunsen?" Her voice deepened in suspicion. "What's happening?" On the viewscreen, Dr. Honeydew patted the console he was standing at. "As my colleague Dr. Forrester would say, it's time for "Deep Hurting". So, if you would both enter the theater, we can start the experiment. Beaker? Push the button." "Meep meep!" Lights flashed randomly and sirens began going off as Piggy and Gonzo freaked. Then they saw Door #6 opening and ran frantically for it. Gonzo: OHHHHH, WE'RE GOING TO DIEEEEEE! Cool! (Cue Jim Henson Muppet List Door Sequence!) Door 6: *Fraggle Rock!* Door 5: *Sesame Street!* Door 4: *The Muppet Show!* Door 3: *The Great Muppet Caper!* Door 2: *The Muppet Movie!* Door 1: *The Muppets Take Manhattan!* Door M: *Muppet Treasure Island!* Gonzo *ZIP*s into the theater in his usual style and takes a seat on the right side of the screen. Miss Piggy flounces in behind him and sits down as well. Miss Piggy: Are we going to have to watch this whole thing by ourselves? (Voice From Above): Not if we have anything to say about it! Miss Piggy and Gonzo both glance up to see a balcony box with two certain old curmudgeons in the seats. Gonzo: Statler? Waldorf? What are you two doing here? Waldorf: Keeping ourselves in shape! Statler: You didn't think you would get to comment on something without *us* around, did you? Miss Piggy (sourly): No, only hoped so. ROLL EM!! > Hi minna, I'm back again. Statler: A return engagement? Waldorf: Quick, give back the ring!! > Sorry the first part was so morbid and sad. I promise to make up for it so > please don't be mad at me. Miss Piggy: Mad? Moi? Neeevveeerrr. Gonzo: Can you please stop cracking your knuckles like that? > I've gone and did something new with the scouts for a change. Statler: You crossed them over with Baywatch? Waldorf: Don't you wish! Your pacemaker wouldn't last through that. Statler: Yeah, but I'd die with a smile on my face. > I hope you like it and enjoy it. > Sailor Destiny Gonzo: Sailors? Land ho! Miss Piggy: This isn't Muppet Treasure Island, you weirdo! Statler: Too bad, otherwise we could bury this story on the island! > > The Death Scouts > Chapter 2 Waldorf: So now the Boy Scouts can get Merit Badges for death? Statler: Yeah, it's the only badge they'll give you posthumously. > The Funeral of the Scouts/ The kids in black > By: Sailor Destiny Miss Piggy (reporter): A national day of mourning has been declared in Tokyo and everyone here is wearing a black fuku in the Scouts' honour. Now, if I could only figure out how to stop this stupid thing from riding up . . . > It was a dark over cast day outside. It was the perfect day for a > funeral. Waldorf: Hey, even the vultures circling the graveyard are at their festive best. Statler: Those aren't vultures; they're your relatives! Both: Doh ho ho ho ho ho! > Inside the church where the funeral was being held there was not a dry > eye in the place. Gonzo: I say they should ban those Super Soaker waterguns from funerals. > In the front pews sat the families of the fallen scouts. The 7 caskets > where done in the colour of each scout and on top of each casket where their > birthstones. Miss Piggy : Ohhh, a purple and green coffin just looks so wrong, especially between a blue coffin and a yellow and orange coffin. Waldorf: I'd just like to know where they got a hot pink coffin! > "It is unfortunate to have lost so many young adult in such a violent way. > These young adults gave back much to the community of Jubaan. Gonzo: Hey, how'd they die? Bunsen (on intercom): In one sentence death scenes. One girl was killed when a shower of meteors hit her in the head. > They are going to be greatly missed." The preacher said. Statler (preacher): On a positive note, those meteors were found to contain a nearly endless supply of Prozac. Waldorf: Great! Toss some up here. > In the back of the church where there was standing room only stood 7 > people hidden in the shadows. Gonzo: Why do they always lock that poor box in churches? I'm poor and I need the money! Miss Piggy: For what? To pay your medical bills from all those stupid stunts you do? Gonzo: No, to finance all those stupid stunts I do! > "I can't believe this. They where killed by something that was very strong." > Said one of the people. Statler: Probably Waldorf's socks. Waldorf: Either that or your medication. Statler: Or the nurse that brings it to me. > "I know it's something that we must take upon ourselves to avenge their > deaths. I will not let the Negaverse get away with this." Said another one > of them. Gonzo: Just send them a nasty chain letter. I'll even lend you some of my chains from my Chinese Water Torture Pancake Flipping stunt. > While the people in the back where conversing everyone began to move > up to say their final good byes to each of the scouts. Statler: Don't push, folks. You'll all get your turn. They aren't going anywhere in a hurry, you know. Waldorf: Doesn't look like the grammar's going anywhere, either. > Everyone began to cry even more as they walked out the church and to the > cars waiting outside. The 7 people in the back came out of the shadows as > the last ones to view the bodies left the church. Miss Piggy (sarcastically): It's the Magnificent Seven. Or . . . Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful, Happy, Sleepy, Grumpy, and Doc. > There where two young women with blond hair, one with blue hair, Statler: Blue hair? She looks like that lady in the next room back at the Home. Waldorf: The one who makes those killer fudge brownies? Statler: Yeah. We've lost four nurses to those things so far this year! > another with black, another with brown and a little girl with pink, there > was also a young man with jet black hair. Miss Piggy: All right! I officially declare this author to be "N.E.T"! Gonzo: Net? Never use them. Miss Piggy: No, Hook-Nose. "Not Even Trying." Those hair colors are exactly the same as those of the original cast. Didn't you pay attention during those Anime Marathons Beaker put us through? Gonzo: Well, it was a dark room, and Camilla was sitting with me . . . Miss Piggy (tightly): Never mind. > They each walked up to a casket and looked in. Statler: Make sure you get their teeth! I'll split them with you! Waldorf: Dibs on the molars! > Each laid a hand on the casket they where standing at. "We will not let your > lives go in vain we will avenge your deaths." Gonzo: Oh sure, they'll do it, but will they do it with *style*? Miss Piggy: And just WHAT do you consider style? Gonzo: Well, playing Flight of the Bumblebee on a cello, first of all. > They said as they walked off. When they walked off the people took the > caskets and loaded them into the hearse. Waldorf: Seven caskets in one hearse? Statler: They must have gotten a hefty discount for that. Both: WHERE DO I SIGN UP? > The next day the 6 of the 7 young adults walked into the high school so > they could get schedules for their classes. Miss Piggy: Looks like they'll have to take Avenging Superheros' Deaths as an after-school activity, along with Driver's Ed and the Dance Committee. > "ok is there a Selene Maria?" the secretary at the desk asked. One of the > two blonds stood up. She had long blond hair that stopped at her knees, Gonzo: Although the hair on her head was cut quite short. > and deep crystal blue eyes that could melt a persons heart but they could > also pierce into a persons soul just by looking into them. Statler: I don't know about my heart or my soul, but my bladder's making some pretty big decisions right now! > She was dressed in a tight short black skirt, a black tank top, some > black knee high boots, and elbow length gloves. Miss Piggy: I'm trying to decide whether she's looking more like a tramp or someone who's been placed in a garbage bag that's been strategically cut. > "That's me." She said. "Here's your schedule." The secretary said as she > handed Selene the schedule. Waldorf: First on the list, Dressing for Success, not Dressing like a Mess! > "Derek Smith." The lady called The young man stood up. He was dressed in > a black tank top, some black jeans and some black boots. Gonzo: All this black reminds me of the time we had Alice Cooper on the Show. Miss Piggy: I'd rather forget that electroshock episode, ~merci beaucoup~. > He had a muscular build and his deep midnight blue eyes where just like > Selene's they bore right into the soul of a person. Statler : Look into my eyes . . . Waldorf: I can't. The cataracts are too distracting! > "Hear you are." The lady said as she handed him his schedule. Gonzo : You seem to have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington now. > Selene looked at Derek and waited for him. He walked over to her and they > left. > "Amaphyst Lyne and Crystal Lyne." The lady said. The other blond stood up. Miss Piggy: No, farther towards the kill zone, if you please. > Her hair reached down to just below her knees. Her dark blue eyes could > bore into the soul of anyone who looked. Gonzo: Well, if she does a good job, I guess I can leave my old shoemaker. Miss Piggy: You're floundering, Hose-Nose. > Next to her stood a young girl who had shoulder length blue hair that was > streaked with blond. Miss Piggy: Then again, maybe she is trying. Either that or she had to have the cheap replacement actors dye their hair quickly for the part. > Her sapphire blue eyes showed the knowledge held there along with being able > to bore deep into a person's soul. Statler: Back in my day, we had to look into a person's soul the hard way! Waldorf: Oh? How's that? Statler: We told them to say, "Ahhh!" and stuck a flashlight down their throat. > They where dressed exactly like Selene. Miss Piggy: I think it's time someone "took out the trash." Gonzo: Come on, Piggy. Sticks and stones, remember? Miss Piggy: Sticks? Moi does not need *sticks*. > "who's Amaphyst and who's Crystal?" The lady asked. > "I'm Crystal and she's Amaphyst." The blond said. Statler (shaking his fist at the screen): You're not a fist! *This* is a fist! Waldorf (shakes his fist harder): You call THAT a fist? THIS is a fist! Miss Piggy: You two want to see a REAL fist? Statler: What, that hammy thing? Both: Doh ho ho ho ho ho! Miss Piggy: HAMMY? > "Ok." the lady said as she handed the girls their schedules. The two took > there schedules and left the room Gonzo : Race you to the supply closet, Crystal! > "Emerald Light" the lady said. A girl with brown hair that reached > the mid of her back when pulled into a ponytail and deep emerald green eyes > that gave her the name she has, also bore into souls stood up. Statler: If I got anything out of that sentence, I think her hair can bore into souls. Waldorf: Ooooh, Alberto!!!! Statler: Leave your barber out of this. > She was dressed like the other three girls. The lady gave her a schedule. > Emerald took the schedule and walked over to the door. Gonzo: I feel like I'm at Stunt School graduation. But there, at least the monotony was broken up by the occasional skateboard jump over the piranha tank. > "I take it you're Nicole Raychell." The lady said to the last girl sitting > on the arm of the couch. "Got that right," Nicole said. Miss Piggy: Tell me about it. Gonzo: You betcha! Statler: Just give her the schedule and get her out of the room! > She stood up and walked over to the desk. She was dressed like the others. Waldorf: I guess the famous "fuku" dress code has ceased to exist in this fanfic. Gonzo (student body): Watch out for American way of life! Next, they want us to be individuals! > Her deep violet eyes could scare the toughest men with just a glance. She > could bore into souls also. Waldorf: Must be quite a job, drilling into all those souls. Statler (singing): I've been working in the afterlife . . . for all eternity. Both (singing): I've been working in the afterlife, cause you're damned in perpetuity . . . > Her long black hair was flowing down and reached the floor. Miss Piggy (secretary on phone): Cancel the janitor's call to get that gum off the floor. It's been taken care of. > She got her schedule and walked out the room with Emerald. > Selene and Derek walked down the hall to their first period English class. Gonzo: Wow. There's more action here than in an episode of "Pigs in Space". Miss Piggy: I'd argue with you, but you're right. > "Derek, when are we going to go out on that date you asked me about?" > Selene asked. Statler: Date? What, vengeance for fallen comrades only comes after dinner and dancing? Waldorf: It's the way we did things back in the days when we fought Napoleon. Statler: That Josephine was something, wasn't she? > "Tomorrow, Selene. First we all need to settle down." Derek said as he > bent over and kissed Selene softly on the lips. Miss Piggy: Aww, where's my Kermie when I need him? Waldorf: Making his chiropractor's appointment for *after* you need him! Miss Piggy: Shut up. > Derek opened the door to the classroom and they stepped in. "Can I help > you two?" Mr. Holland asked the two as they gave him the papers. Gonzo: If it's anything like the first chapter, now's the time to call the roll again. > "So you're the new students. Well have a seat over there in the corner." > Mr. Holland said Statler (Mr. Holland): Sorry we don't have any chairs for you, so just make yourselves comfortable on that piece of modern sculpture. > as Selene and Derek walked tot the back of the room to the empty seats. The > guys in the class as well as the girls had their sights set on snagging one > of the two. Gonzo: That's a lot of competition for a couple of seats. Miss Piggy: She was talking about Selene and Derek, Gonzo. Gonzo: Ohhh. > "Now on with today's lesson." Mr. Holland said as the class turned around. > Derek and Selene sat in class not paying attention at all. Waldorf (Mr. Holland): Now today we'll discuss exactly how the Sailor Scouts died and what you can do to avenge their deaths. Gonzo & Miss Piggy (Selene and Derek): Whatever. > Crystal and Amaphyst walked down the hall to their class. "Hey Amaphyst, > when did the Negaverse kill the Sailor Scouts?" Crystal asked. "About 2 > days ago. I can't believe the nerve of those creeps." Statler: That's not a joke! This is how you tell a joke! Hey, Waldorf? Waldorf: Yes, Statler? Statler: Do you know how to make anti-freeze? Waldorf: Yeah, hide her nightgown! Both: Doh ho ho ho ho ho! > Amaphyst said as they continued walking. They opened a door to the History > class. Miss Piggy: And were instantly run over by the Seventh Cavalry, including the chuckwagons. Gonzo: Darn. Now I'll have to think of a new stunt for next week. > "Can I help you two young ladies?" Mr. Carter asked. The girls gave them > their slips Statler: How do you like that? She gave me the slip! And I just told her not to! Waldorf: Why's that? Statler: She was supposed to let me do all her laundry! > and they went and took two empty seats in the back. Gonzo: Sounds like a fair trade to me. > All the guys in the class could not keep their eyes off Amaphyst and Crystal > due to perfect bodies and their outfits. Miss Piggy (standing): You call those perfect bodies? Check THIS out, ladies! (Piggy sheds her gown in one fluid motion.) All (covering their eyes): NOOO!! > "Now gentlemen can we return to our lesson?" Mr. Carter asked. The young > men turned around and where back at the board. Miss Piggy: What? Oh, fine. (She steps back into her gown and shrugs it up.) I'm sure someone out there appreciates my looks. Statler: A deli operator comes to mind. > Emerald and Nicole where walking down the hall to their first class. > "Nicole, how long has it been since we had some fun?" Emerald asked. Gonzo (Nicole): You mean that funeral yesterday wasn't fun for you? > "It's been quite a while Emerald, what do you say we pull a fire alarm." > Nicole said as a mischievous twinkle found it's way into her eye. Waldorf: Author! Author! Hurrah! Statler: What are you cheering about? Waldorf: I'm rooting for the spell-checker. Best Actor nomination for that boy! > Emerald smiled and looked at Nicole. "That's perfect." Emerald said as she > kissed Nicole softly on the lips. Miss Piggy: Want to mention their names a few more times? They aren't quite lodged in my cranium. Gonzo: AAYYUUKKAAWWAA! Miss Piggy: Okay, who let him sit through fifty episodes of Kimagure Orange Road? > Nicole blushed quickly but regained her composer. Statler: Someone get Beethoven out of this story before it's too late! Waldorf: Why, what'll happen? Statler: He'll start decomposing! > They then left to go find the nearest fire alarm to pull. Gonzo: Can we pause for station identification first? *** The clacking of a teletype comes over the speakers as the theatre screen dissolves to a news desk and global backdrop. A bespectacled man in a tweed suit hurries onto the set and sits down.*** Anchor: This is a Muppet News Flash! A violent tornado has been sweeping through the area, but residents can be assured there is no danger. We here at the newsroom are perfectly safe, being placed between the two largest buildings in the city: The knitting needle factory and the Convention Hall, which is currently hosting their Annual Knife Sharpeners Gathering . . . YYYAAAHHHHH!! ***Fade to Black*** Miss Piggy (wincing): That *had* to hurt. Gonzo: Been there. Done that. Back to the story. > Derek and Selene where finally getting interested in the lesson when the > fire alarm went off. Statler: Which one of the students was thinking too hard again? > "ok class everyone up take your things and get outside of the > school but don't run." Mr. Holland said. Waldorf: I thought they were in English class! Statler: So the teacher isn't quite precise when he's panicking. Sue him. > Derek and Selene looked at each other and already knew who pulled it. > *Nicole and Emerald* They both thought at the same time as they followed > the rest of the class out. Miss Piggy: And they're our next line of defence here on Earth? TAKE ME NOW!! Waldorf: They'd never get you off the ground! Statler: Hey, you'd probably crash the ship! Miss Piggy: *One more* crack about my weight and I'm coming up there! > "Those two always get into trouble no matter what." Selene whispered to > Derek. "I know." He replied. Gonzo (Derek): We'd better put a little something in their massage oil. This can't go on. > Crystal and Amaphyst where doing their work when the alarm went off. Statler (with bullhorn): STEP AWAY FROM THE TEXTBOOK! THIS IS AN ENFORCED RECESS! > "I already know who did it and we gotta find them." Crystal said. Waldorf (Watson): Amazing, Holmes! How do you do it? Statler: Elementary, my dear Watson. Waldorf: Well, that seems to be the level of maturity for these characters. > "Right. It where the other two love birds Nicole and Emerald." Amaphyst > said to Crystal as they walked out the class with everyone else. Miss Piggy: What do they do in a battle, tie everyone's laces together? > Emerald and Nicole had ran as soon as they pulled the alarm so they wouldn't > get caught. Gonzo (principal): Two girls seen running down the hallway after the fire alarm went off? Forget about them and bring me some computer geeks to blame this on! > "I missed doing that." Emerald said as the two of them ran into the girls > bathroom. Statler: Then go back and do it again! Waldorf: No, don't! Then we'd have to read it again. > "I know, but lets go out so we aren't found and made as suspects. We can > say we where in the bathroom when the bell went off." Nicole said. Gonzo (Nicole): It'll help explain the mess we made in here, too! Miss Piggy: GONZO!! > Emerald took Nicole's hand in hers and they walked out of the bathroom > outside when they saw Derek and Selene. Miss Piggy (Selene): Why are you two looking so flushed? Waldorf (Nicole): It's because the script's now in the toilet. Statler: Didn't it start there? > "When will you two ever quit doing that prank?" Derek asked in a low > whisper. Gonzo: About the same time I retire my bagpipe, beaver, and flagpole act! > "When you two get married." Nicole said smugly. "Fine." Selene said in a > huff and walked off. Statler: Hey, don't leave in a huff! Waldorf: Yeah, leave in a minute and a huff! Miss Piggy: And if you can't do that, leave in a taxi. > "Selene wait!" Derek called. "Look what you did." He said as he ran off to > catch up with Selene. Miss Piggy (Emerald): Let me guess, he didn't get the ring yet? Gonzo (Nicole): Worse. He pierced his navel with it instead of giving it to her. > When the whole school was outside the fire department came. All: You get to drink from . . . THE FIRE HOSE!! > Selene, Derek, Nicole, Emerald, Crystal, and Amaphyst where standing over > by a tree. Derek held Selene close to him while Emerald was giving Nicole a > back massage. Statler (Derek): Hey, what's that noise? Sounds like sawing . . . and sawdust, too. Oh no!! Even the Negaverse wouldn't stoop that low! *CRUNCH* > "You know what Emerald?" Nicole asked. "What?" Emerald replied. Waldorf (Nicole): That wasn't a knot. That was my bra. Miss Piggy: You mean she's wearing one? Gonzo: Ouch. > "I think we did pull the alarm right in time look!" Nicole said as she > pointed to the school which was on fire. Gonzo: And the Woodstock rampage continues all the way to Japan! > "I smell the Negaverse at hand you guys." Selene said. Statler: Sorry. I didn't get my sponge bath before I came. > The others nodded in agreement. "Lets go then." Derek said. They looked > around before they left the area they where in. Miss Piggy (Derek): Act casual. Spread out, spread out . . . No, don't all follow me at once! > As they left they saw a youma draining energy out of a helpless person. Waldorf: It's Widow Throwaway! Statler: What's she doing out of the home? > "Oh now it's on." Crystal said. Everyone began to glow a dark color. "Death > Crystal Power!" yelled Selene. Miss Piggy: LAWSUIT! LAWSUIT! The Big Guy's spinning in his grave right now! Gonzo: No, Miss Piggy, that's the *Dark* Crystal. > "Death Diamond Power!" yelled Crystal. "Death Sapphire power!" yelled > Amaphyst. "Death Amaphyst Power!" yelled Emerald. "Death Emerald > power!" yelled Nicole. "Death Onyx Power!" yelled Derek. Statler: Quit yelling! We're not deaf. Waldorf (with ear trumpet): What was that? Statler: Very funny. Now put that away. Waldorf: What was that? > As each called out their power the gemstone they called appeared in their > hands. Those gemstones emitted a bright glow. Gonzo: Because, Phil, you're radioactive. > Selene, Crystal, Amaphyst, Emerald, and Nicole all had on a single black > bodysuite Miss Piggy: Does that come with courtesy bar and Jacuzzi? > with thigh high heeled boots, and shoulder length gloves, Gonzo: Because, darnit, that roasting pan needed a really good scrubbing! > on there foreheads were single gold bands with small jewels in them, they > had jewel ear rings and a small gold chain with their gemstones in them. Statler: Remember, when kicking butt, accessorizing is important, ladies! > Derek had on a black jump suite that covered his body Waldorf: I should hope so! A one room apartment should be enough to hide him. > and on his forehead was a single gold band with his gemstone in it, he had > a gold hoop ear ring in his left ear Miss Piggy: And a gold basketball in the other. Gonzo: Done that, too. Miss Piggy: You *are* a weirdo. > and around his neck was also a gold chain with a black gemstone in it. Gonzo: Teddy Ruxpin crossover, anyone? All: GAAAAHHH!! > "Hold it right there you Nega Slime!" Death Crystal yelled. "and who might > you be?" The youma asked. "I am Death Crystal. Leader of the Death Scouts!" > Death Crystal said. Statler (youma): That's nothing! I'm the leader of the Tax Collectors! So hand over all that gold. > "Some want to be Sailor Scouts? Ha my master took care of them and > she will take care of you!" The youma said. Waldorf: With our luck, it's probably the owner of our nursing home. Statler: I still say she rigs that shuffleboard court. > "NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH TALKING ABOUT THE SAILOR > SCOUTS!" Death Emerald yelled. Miss Piggy (Random student): It's a shame about those Sailor Scouts . . . Gonzo (Death Emerald): DIEEE! *KABOOM* Statler (Random student): I hear the referee failed to count to ten last night . . . Gonzo (Death Emerald): Failed Scouts? KILL! *KABOOM* Waldorf: Hey, he said Failed Count! Not Sailor Scouts! Uh-oh . . . Gonzo (Death Emerald): *KABOOM!* > "Emerald Light Blind!" Death Emerald yelled as a blinding green light > appeared and went straight for the youma. Miss Piggy (eerie voice): Tommyknockers, tommyknockers. . . > "I can't see!" The youma yelled. "Amaphyst Reflection Attack!" Death > Amaphyst yelled Gonzo: Throat spray, anyone? > as Amaphyst reflections of the youma appeared and attacked the youma. Miss Piggy (singing): Isn't it strange / feels like I'm looking in a mirror. > "Crystal Shards Impale!" yelled Death Crystal. Millions of little crystal > shards hit the youma from many directions in conjunction with all the > other attacks. Waldorf: Come on, don't hit a youma when it's down. Statler: No, wait until it starts to get back up again! > "Diamond Ribbons Squeeze!" Yelled Death Diamond. Statler: Capital, my dear, simply capital! Waldorf: Hey, that pun was a lower case of humour. > The ribbons of Diamonds began to squeeze the youma who was already week. Miss Piggy: If this is Tuesday, it must be the Negaverse. > "Crystal....Onyx.... Death.... Kiss.... Destroy!" Death Crystal and Death > Onyx yelled together blowing a single kiss at the youma. Within seconds > the youma was destroyed. Statler: Halitosis: Don't let it ruin your takeover of Earth. > "Well the Negaverse now knows we exist, and we're not just a legend." Death > Sapphire said. "Yes your right. We have been a legend to them for centuries." Gonzo: Ah, so Derek is like a young unknown named Tom Cruise, is he? > Death Crystal said as everyone powered down. They walked back over to their > tree and resumed their positions. They looked and saw the guys staring at > all the girls longingly. Miss Piggy: It's a good thing Animal's not there. (A scream is heard as an Asian woman runs past, hotly pursued by a red-furred monster.) Animal: Naoko! Naoko! Sailor Moon! Ah-ah-ah!!! > Derek and Emerald got defensive about their own pieces. All: Pieces? Waldorf: What is this, a chess game? Statler: No, it's a jigsaw puzzle. Waldorf: You can't figure it out either, huh? Statler: Nope. > "Hey Crystal, I have you in my history class." One of the guys said. Miss Piggy (Crystal): Great. Now make like Christopher Columbus and shove off. > "Well goody and who may I ask are you?" Crystal said as she sat on the > grass next to her sister. Gonzo (Crystal): You have five seconds to identify yourself. Then I begin piercing random body parts. > "I'm Andrew." The boy said. "Oh nice to meet you. Now may I ask what you > want?" Waldorf: A very nice, polite young lady, isn't she? Statler: So was Joan of Arc, remember? Waldorf: Yeah, but she kept hearing voices. The two of us were never alone. > Crystal asked him. "I wanted to know if your going to go to home coming?" > Andrew asked her. Gonzo(Andrew): Dressed like that, too? > "I wasn't planning on it why would you like me to go to home coming > with you?" Crystal asked straight out. "Well would you?" Andrew asked. Waldorf: I just figured out what's wrong with this place. Statler: What's that? Waldorf: It's the seats! Statler: What's wrong with them? Waldorf: They face the screen! Both: Doh ho ho ho ho ho! > "Sure why not. You can reach me at this number." Crystal said as she handed > Andrew the number. "Cool thanks." Andrew said as he walked away. Miss Piggy: "1-800-GET-LOST." Subtle. > "Looks like this group will have to make a cameo at home coming." Selene > said. Gonzo (Derek): Okay, but I'm not getting on stage to sing, "Macho Man." > "Yeah. This is going to be fun." Derek said as he kissed Selene's neck > softly getting a small moan from her. "Not hear Derek." Selene managed to say. Statler: Hear no Derek. . . Waldorf: See no Derek . . . Both: Speak no Derek!! > While Derek and Selene where acting up Amaphyst sat in the grass next to > Crystal reading a book. Miss Piggy: Seven Habits of Highly Effective Dead People, no doubt. > "Um excuse me, your blocking my light." Amaphyst said as she looked up to > see a football player standing in front of her. Gonzo: So we know he's a blocker. Probably on the offensive line. Miss Piggy: I just find them offensive in general. > "Hi. I'm Brad." He said. "I'm Amaphyst. Sorry I snapped like that." She > said. Statler (Amaphyst): All right, I'll throw the ball so you can fetch it. > "It's ok. Hey I was wondering if you would like to go to home coming with > me?" Brad asked. "Sure. I would love to." Amaphyst replied. Waldorf: Of course, you've got nothing else to do, so you might as well amuse yourself. > "Cool." Brad said. "Hears the number where you can reach me at." She said > as she handed him the number. Miss Piggy (Amaphyst): Oh, if a girl answers the phone, hang up. > "Thanks I'll call you later Amaphyst." Brad said as he walked off back to > the football team. Gonzo (Brad): What on earth are you guys yelling "Touchdown!" for? > "So Amaphyst got a date to home coming." Nicole said. "Yeah so be glad for > me!" Amaphyst said. Miss Piggy (Nicole): I would, but I need to be casual and indifferent to your feelings to hide how deeply I care for you and the others. > As those two began to argue the principal came over the car speakers. Gonzo: Now *that's* one sick school radio station! > "Hello Everyone this is Dr. Schindler speaking. Statler (Schindler): I've saved you from the Nazis, or from the football team, however you nerds want to look at it. Gonzo: I just thought of something. Do they have football teams in Japanese high schools? > I'm canceling school due to a fire in half of the building." He said as > cheers came from all over the outside. Waldorf (Schindler): Darnit, we're never going to get a full day of school here! Call off Christmas! > Derek, Selene, Crystal, Amaphyst (the sisters where walking on air.), > Nicole and Emerald all walked off to their apartment. Miss Piggy: Take it easy, kids. Not like you vowed to fight evil or avenge someone's death or something . . . > >~~~~~ In the next chapter ~~~~~ Statler: Too late to save it. It's already become a worm feast. > What will the negaverse do knowing that the Death Scouts are not a legend > as they always thought. Gonzo: Organize a government conspiracy to cover them up? > What's going to happen at home coming when they go? Miss Piggy (deep breath!): Nicole and Emerald will spike the punch, Selene and Derek will be voted King and Queen, and Crystal and Amaphyst will get their hearts broken. Got all that? Gonzo (writing furiously): Yep. > Find out in Chapter 3. > Home Coming/ The legend becomes reality. All (singing): Mai agare! Suzaku miracle-raa. Densetsuga ugoki dashite. . Statler: We have *got* to stop going to Beaker's Anime Nights. > > ~ authors note > See I kept my promise. I made everything better this chapter didn't I. Waldorf: We'll upgrade the fic's condition from critical to serious, dear, but it'll still have to stay in bed for another chapter or two. > Well I'm sorry I didn't get this up sooner but my net went out for a week. Miss Piggy: And when it came back, it was full of fish, right? Gonzo: Darn cheap screen savers. > But anyway I hope you like the story so far. Love of a Lifetime 4 will be > up soon. So enjoy. Statler: It's over? Waldorf: So far. Both: Author! Author! Tremendous effort! Statler: Uh, what was that about? Waldorf: It was about . . . oh . . five pages. Gonzo: Freedom! Gonzo does his trademark *ZOOM* out of the theater, followed by Miss Piggy. Statler and Waldorf disappear behind the curtains in their box. Statler: Why did we ever come here? Waldorf: I guess we're kind of sick. Statler: That was some kind of torture. Both: To have to watch the fic! *DEEP 13, 2030 HOURS* "Meep meep meep meep. Meep meep. Meep meep meep meep meep." "Oh, I don't know, Mr. Beaker. I think there is more than one main problem in the Balkans. Take . . ." "Frank, shut up." "Shutting up, sir." Bunsen Honeydew was slowly pacing the floor of Deep 13. "My, my. I hope that story didn't shatter their fragile psyches. But ever since we had that tribute show to Ranma « all those years ago . . . it seemed like such a wonderful area of scientific study." Then he looked up as the signal light began flashing. "Ah, good! Let's see how they fared up there." He slapped the button. "Come in, Muppets in Space!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* "Hey, that sounds like a pretty catchy movie title," Gonzo commented, sauntering onto the bridge. "How'd you like to co-star in that with me, Piggy?" Brushing a black-gloved hand through her hair, Miss Piggy nodded. "My pleasure." She glared off to one side. "Will you two get out here?" "It's drafty!" came Statler's voice. "It's inappropriate!" Waldorf joined in. "And it's embarrassing!" they chorused, coming into view. *DEEP 13* Dr. Forrester blinked from his vantage point on the ceiling. "Dear Lord, they've lost it." "Lost it?" Bunsen echoed, "I'm afraid they've gone and buried it. But, we shouldn't panic just yet. You can't drive other weirdos crazy." *SATELLITE OF LOVE* The crew was dressed to rock and shock. Miss Piggy was wearing a black tank top and short skirt, leaving her ample midriff bare. Black gloves and a tiara completed her outfit. Gonzo, for some reason, was wearing the exact same outfit. Just don't question it. Please. As for Statler and Waldorf . . . they were decked out in tight black jeans and tank tops, revealing upper bodies about as muscular as a sparrow's ankle. "And now, for our song and dance number!" Gonzo announced. *DEEP 13* Bunsen watched as the four Muppets launched into a soft-shoe chorus of "Kung-Fu Fighting". "Ah, good," he breathed. "They're unaffected by the fanfic we showed them." "Unaffected?" Bunsen looked roofward. "That's a normal Thursday night for us," he explained. "Now, I'd better check on things back at the theater." *IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW!* Soi checked her clipboard as the act straggled in from onstage. "Okay, that was the Singing Citrus Chorus with their rendition of "Tutti Frutti." From the box seats above the stage came a shout. "That should have been called Nutty Fruitcake!" She rolled her eyes. "At least Crow and Tom are in their element here," she murmured. "All right, next up is the Great Gonzo. Ummm . . he's not here." Kermit the Frog blinked. "Do we have a replacement?" Soi leaned back to peer through the wings. "Yep. He's setting up now." "Oh, good. I'll go out and announce him when he's ready." Just then, Gypsy appeared, wearing a fake set of pig ears and a blond wig. "Ah, Kermit! There you are. I wanted to discuss my duet with Richard Baseheart!" Kermit gulped and turned greener than usual. "Uh, on second thought, I'll go announce him right now." As the applause died away, Kermit cleared his throat. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo will defy death once again! This time, he will be singing "La Vida Loca" while juggling nuclear warheads in a pool filled with genetically enhanced sharks who have built-in motion-sensitive machine guns strapped to their snouts!" Backstage, Joel sighed and lowered the safety visor on his helmet. Bending down, he picked up the first warhead and began climbing the ladder. "How do I get myself into these things?" he wondered. *AND CUE THE CURTAIN!* ====================================================== "Bear with me while I speak, and after I have spoken, mock on." Job 21:3, NIV ====================================================== Notes: Muppetkind has come. Comments can go to the address below. Thanks to Megane 6.7 for his help with a certain riff, His Lordship Chaos for Joel's stunt, and Anateus Feldspar and all others who edited this for me. Nightbreak MSTings: 1- 10: "Ranger Moon" saga (PR/Sailor Moon crossover) 11: "Ay-yi-yi" (Power Rangers Short) 12-14: "I Will Remember You" (Sailor Moon Self-Insertion) Collaboration with Blazej Szpakowicz. 15: "Sailor Moon: The Ultimate Evil" (Winnie The Pooh/Sailor Moon) 16: "Surprises All Around, Part 1" (Tenchi Muyo/Samantha Jones) 17: "Master-MSTer Triple Feature" (SVAM Veteran MST) 18: "Unseen Signs" (Ratliff does Ranma!) Collaboration with CrowBar 19: "Precious Things" (Transformers Lemon) 20: "Lemonade: A Cool, Refreshing Drink" (Double Lemon) 21: "The Death Scouts, Part 1" (Sailor Moon w/ short, Johnny Bravo) Edits: 1: Hockey Night in Tokyo (Sailor Moon Original) Duke of Dispersion 2: A Destined Return. (Sailor Moon Self-Insert.) Duke of Dispersion 3: Untitled (Ranma/Ah! Megami-sama! Crossover) Duke of Dispersion Non-MST - The Club Anipike Series: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/3552/fics.html - The Chaosfic!: Vampire Princess Michiru (Sailor Moon/ Vampire Princess Miyu fusion) http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/3552/fics.html