*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000’s DEEP FRIED SPAM" EPISODE 2: NOW OFFERING FOR YOUR "SENSITIVE" DELIGHT ... NEW & IMPROVED MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) This is a MSTing of a work of an ad released by some company. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. “Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it. (Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Spam Theme" in 5....4....3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last Sunday BC There was this group of teenagers Not so different from you or me They went to find their missing friends And came across some evil ends They tried to run away and flee, But Eriol managed to capture them And he dropped them in the sea!!!! Yamazaki: (Did you know…) Chiharu: (Don’t start!) We'll send them crappy spam mail The worst we can find (lalala) They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds (lalala) Now keep in mind they can't control When the spam mails begin or end (lalala) Because Chiharu used those special parts To throw at Yamazaki’s head; CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL: Naoko: 'Hi there!’ Rika: 'Oh my!' Chiharu: 'Don’t make me hurt you, Takashi.' YAMAZAKIIII!!! 'Trust me!' If you’re wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!! ** THE HABITAT OF LOVE 14:41 Hours Rika Sasaki stood in front of one of the habitat’s windows and stared out at the ocean. At their depth it was a little hard to see anything further than a hundred feet, but it was a lot better than what else was going on in the habitat that afternoon. “Takashi!!!!” came another scream from Chiharu. “I thought I told you to stay out of my room!!” “I wasn’t in there!! Honest!!” Yamazaki responded as he dodged blunt objects that were being hurled at him. “You’re about as honest as a politician, Takashi!!” Naoko walked over to stand next to Rika as the sounds of Chiharu tirade continued. “I don’t get them,” she said. “Instead of being sweet like Sakura-chan and Li-kun they seem more like Asuka Langley Sohryu and Shinji Ikari.” A loud crash was heard. “And I think we can guess who Asuka is.” Rika sighed. “If only Yamazaki-kun didn’t lie so much maybe Chiharu-chan might trust him more.” “You were probably going through my underwear drawer again! Weren’t you, you little hentai?!” Chiharu shouted from the next room. Rika and Naoko sweatdropped. Just then a light began to flash on the control console. “Heads up,” said Naoko. “Sarumon is calling.” She leaned over and pressed the button. ** DEEP 13 “Ah, greetings, brain-doners,” Eriol said smirking. “Having fun I see? Just be sure to tell your friend not to damage the habitat. Keep in mind that a leak at your depth will result in the water pressure crushing you like grapes under a sledgehammer.” “Uh… we will, sir,” said Naoko. “Good,” Eriol said nodding. “I’m afraid my assistants, Tweedledee and Tweedledum aren’t around today. They said something about a tenth ‘Friday The 13th’ movie and the sixth sign of the apocalypse. But I’m still here to inflict pain upon you.” Rika and Naoko groaned. “Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m evil.” Eriol chuckled. “This week’s spam is an attempt to sell barely legal narcotics to idiots. Big surprise, huh?” Eriol fed the spam into the computer. ** THE HABITAT OF LOVE “It wasn’t me!” screamed Yamazaki. “You’re lying!” Chiharu yelled back. “Shut up! Shut up!! SHUT UP!!” Naoko shouted. Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out. “OHHHH, WE'VE GOT SPAM MAIL SIGN!!!” Rika cried out. (Door 6: It’s made of balsa wood. You shatter it easily.) (Door 5: It swirls open from the center.) (Door 4: It’s Chiharu’s stuffed animal collection. You awkwardly plow through them) (Door 3: It splits into six long strips that retract into the doorframe.) (Door 2: It’s Naoko’s book collection. The stacks waver slightly before crashing to the ground.) (Door 1: It’s made of Microsoft™ code. Suddenly, a fatal error deletes it all.) (Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.) Chiharu, Naoko, Yamazaki and Rika enter the theater. The four take their seats in the theater. >Now Offering for your "Sensitive" Delight ... NEW & IMPROVED Yamazaki: NEW and IMPROVED!!! BETTER THAN EVER!! Rika: Nobody CARES!! Naoko: The New and Improved Dove bar for Sensitive Skin! Our motto: If you need this, you’re a real wuss. >*** KATHMANDU 2 *** Yamazaki: This time it’s personal! >Thanks to recent dramatic advances in the laboratorial processes for the >extraction of botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycocides, we are now able to Chiharu: …use really big words for no apparent reason. >offer what has already been the most incredibly potent marijuana/cannabis >alternative available on the planet .... Yamazaki: AIRPLANE GLUE! Chiharu: The only people who would go for this crappy pitch are probably stoned. >KATHMANDU TEMPLE KIFF!!! Naoko: Ow! No need to shout! Rika: Kathmandu Temple Kiff? Sounds like a bug, or a fish. >It is NEW, IMPROVED and 20 times more stokin'-tokin' potent in its formulation. All: Chiharu: And I thought Cheech and Chong were lame. Yamazaki: Duuuuuuuude!! I mean it, man!! >KATHMANDU 2 ... Yamazaki: The Revenge! > a viripotent cannabis alternative for blissful regressions of >vexatious depressions... Chiharu: …caused by reading bad Spam filled with complex incoherent words. >* BURNS AND SMOKES EASIER! Rika: JUST LIKE YOUR MONEY! >* TOKES DEEPER! Naoko: There’s nothing deep about this crap. >* TASTES SWEETER! Yamazaki: Keep it away! Away!! >* LASTS LONGER! Chiharu: Longer than Big Red! >Kathmandu Temple Kiff is a proprietary; Nepalese, sensitive, >pipe-smoking/stoking substance. Kathmandu Temple Kiff is indeed the most >substantial marijuana/cannabis alternative on the planet. Chiharu: If you’re into that kinda thing. If you are, none of this will make sense. Yamazaki: Uh… But we don’t get it either. Chiharu: Actually, I was referring to opening your e-mail. >Absolutely Legal! Marvelously Potent! Yamazaki: Not like me. Stupid defective Viagra… Chiharu: Heh. >Kathmandu Temple Kiff possesses all of the positive virtues fine ganja/cannabis Rika: Fine what? Could someone get us a botanist in here? >without any of the negatives. Naoko: The negatives were sold off for two hundred thousand dollars. Rika: Well, there is the brain bleeding and nerve damage, but trust us, you won’t notice… at first. >An amalgamation of high concentrates of rare Chiharu: …suckers who are willing to buy this. >euphoric herbas, Chiharu: I give up. What’s are herbas? Yamazaki: Well, actually… Chiharu: Oh, shut up! >Kathmandu is offered in a solid jigget/bar format and is Naoko: So which is it? A jigget or a bar? Rika: What’s a jigget? Yamazaki: It’s… Chiharu: Don’t start. >actually more UPLIFTING & POISED than Naoko: … PEOPLE who SHOUT for NO REASON!! >cannabis / marijuana Rika: So which is it? Naoko: Yeah! Make up your mind already! >while rendering Euphoria, Happiness, Mood-Enhancement, Yamazaki: And other emotions that begin with capital letters. >Stress/Depression Relief and promoting contemplativeness, Chiharu: …about why you wasted your money. >creativity, better sleep, lucid dreaming ... and enhancing the sexual experience!!! Rika: Yeah. No one’s made THAT claim before. >Kathmandu Temple Kiff is simply the best and just a little pinch/snippet of the Rika: WHICH IS IT?! MAKE UP YOUR DAMNED MIND ALREADY!! Rika: Gomen. I’m better now. >Kathmandu goes a long, "sensitive" way. Just 4 or 5 draws of the pipe ... Chiharu: …against your skull should be enough to convince you to buy this. >(an herb pipe included with each package of Kathmandu Temple Kiff). Noako: Yeah. An HERB pipe. That’s what it is. >PLEASE NOTE: Although no botanical factor in Kathmandu Temple Kiff is illegal >or considered to be harmful by regulatory agencies and no tobacco is included >therein, it is the policy of our company that Kathmandu Temple Kiff may not be >offered or sold to any person that has not attained at least 21 years of age. Yamazaki: Hey! You’ve been going through legal loopholes so far, why stop now? >So power-smokin potent is our new formulation, that much to our delight and >actually even to our amazement, we have even be able to establish a very happy >clientele within the hard core stoner market. Naoko: aka Morons whose lives are so pathetic they must escape reality at all costs. >Here is what our customers are saying about Kathmandu Temple Kiff: Yamazaki: This stuff sucks! Chiharu: Oops! >"Thank you so much for the Temple Kiff. It is everything you guys claim, and >then some! Rika: But are the festering boils and hair loss normal? >I was a bit skeptical when I read your description of its effects, >but there is literally no exaggeration in your advertisements. How nice that >this is legal! It tastes great and feels great too! YamazakI: Less filling too! >I am so glad I took a chance and ordered. Blessings to all of you." >-- Frankie R. Chiharu: Frankie R.-Portrait Of A Loser >"I'm a man of my 40's and I really know my stuff. Rika: Sure you do, buddy >I don't drink or do illegal drugs anymore and have found a much more spiritual path. Yamazaki: Well, that’s what I tell the cops anyway. >I used to have to take Valium in the past. Not anymore with the Temple Kiff. It really amazes >me how this stuff tastes exactly like the lebanese red and blond hash I used to smoke >in the 70's and it has a much more pleasurable effect. I am very satisfied with >this product. I like it a lot and will be a customer for life for sure. Chiharu: So that’ll be what? Six months? >Whoever makes this stuff is an ARTIST at it. Who would have thought?! Naoko: Certainly not us. >Folks, this is the real stuff! Look no further!!" >-- A.J. Naoko: A man with a mid-life crisis situation. Yamazaki: B.J! Your brother is stoned again! >************************************************************ Chiharu: So, Mister Berle, how did you become a star? Yamazaki: First, I was a gaseous cloud. Then I condensed. Rika: Ba-DUMP! Ching! >Our other fine herbal, botanical products include the following: Naoko: Parsley, Oregano, Basil… Yamazaki: Yes, DEAR! I’m doing it, DEAR! >1. Sweet Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops (tm); An erotic aphrodisia; sexual >intensifier / enhancer liquid amalgamated extract for MEN and WOMEN. Yamazaki: Ignore the Viagra name stamped on them. >2. "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets (tm); a botanical alternative to >pharmaceutical medications for calm, balance, serenity and joyful living... Chiharu: Uh-oh. Tifa Lockheart is gonna sue. Naoko: Good. >3. "Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm); a most efficacious, >non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-MaHuang botanical energizer and cutting-edge >appetite suppressant... Chiharu: Gentle Ferocity? The hell? Naoko: Can you say “oxymoron”? Rika: Take away the “oxy” and you have the author. >4. Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedies; Naoko: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!! Chiharu: For all you Dragonball and Ranma ½ fans out there. >Equivalence Tablets & Dragon Wing Remedy Spray ... Chiharu: Equivalence Tablets? Equivalent to what? >pain management that works to alleviate pain even for arthritis and fibromyalgia sufferers... Yamazaki: And only ten times more expensive than Aspirin! >********************************************* Yamazaki: The stars shine in Chiharu’s eyes. Rika: Smooth! >Sweet Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops (tm) inspires and enhances: Naoko: Nothing. >* Penile & clitoral sensitivity Rika: Erm…. Naoko: Let’s pretend we never read that. >* Sensitivity to touch Yamazaki: You’ll get bruises walking through air! >* Desire to touch and be touched Naoko: Especially by angels! >* Fantasy, lust, rapture, erogenous sensitivity ... Naoko: …are the things you’ll lose while taking this. >* Prolongs and intensifies foreplay, orgasm & climax Chiharu: Thank you, Mr. Redundancy. Yamazaki: Drugs used in battle are drugs. >********************************************* > >"Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets ... Naoko: … are a real crock. >Entirely natural, proprietary, botanical prescription comprised of uncommon >Asian Herbs for Calm, Balance, Serenity and Joyful Living. "Seventh Heaven" >Prosaka is indeed a most extraordinary, viripotent, calming, centering, >mood-enhancing, holistically-formulated, Chiharu: …worthless, adjective laden piece of crap… >exotic herbaceous alternative to pharmaceutical medications for depression, anxiety, >stress, insomnia, etc. Rika: AND it turns water into WINE! >NO side effects! NO dependency! Yamazaki: And if you believe that we have a bridge named after George Washington to sell to you. >Vivaciously Mellow! Naoko: They call it mellow yellow… >********************************************** > >"Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm) ... Yamazaki: This oxymoron copyright Lame Internet Scams Inc. 2002 © >a non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-ephedra, non-MaHuang; Chiharu: …non-working… >viripotent, herbaceous prescription for the dynamic energization of body, mind and spirit. Yamazaki: It keeps going and going and going and… >This Gentle Ferocity Formulation is amalgamated in accordance with the Rika: …Oxymoron Redundancy Foundation For The Use Of Non-Obvious Redundant Big Words Guidelines. >fundamental Taoist herbal principle of botanical interactiveness and >precursorship which in essence is a molecular equation of the relevant Yamazaki: …huge words we keep pulling out of our ass. >botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycosides interacting with one another to >prolificate molecular communion and thereby to achieve demonstrative herbal >efficaciousness without negative implication to any aspect of human composition. Naoko: Wow! What the hell did I just write? >These Gentle Ferocity Cordial Tablets are incredulously and thoroughly >effective. Enjoy! Chiharu: Up yours! >For those of you who seek to achieve most demonstrative/non-invasive/non-prohibitive Rika: …non-functioning/ >appetite suppression without the negative implications of ongoing usage of MaHuang Herb, >Ephedra/Ephedrine or Caffeine as are so magnaminously utilized in a multitude of herbal "diet >aids"entitled as "Thermogenics" ... this is ABSOLUTELY the herbal agenda/product for >you!! Naoko: This is the pathetic scam for you!! >Entirely Natural! Increases Energy! Increases Metabolism! Decreases Appetite! Chiharu: Creates Maddening Capitalization Fetish! Yamazaki: Causes Urges To Watch “La Blue Girl”! Naoko: Ick! Rika: I always wondered what kind of people watched that. >*********************************************** > >Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedies Yamazaki: Who needs Mr. Miyagi when I have DRUGS! >Eastern culture has long had a treatment for bone, muscle, tendon, ligament, >sinew and joint distress, traumas, afflictions and constrictions. We are >pleased to offer Yamazaki: …something completely different and useless! > Equivalence Tablets & Dragon Wing Remedy Spray > (Hei Ping Shun) (Hei Long Chibang) Rika: Dragon Wing Remedy Spray! Solving Your Pain The Harry Potter Way! >PLEASE NOTE: Chiharu: That I am an idiot. >While it is true that all physiological traumas and injuries are unique and that >no product can arbitrarily eliminate all of the pain and discomfort in all >people all of the time, the combination of Equivalence Tablets (Hei Ping Shun) >and Dragon Wing Remedy (Hei Long Chibang) remedial botanicals does guarantee to >at the least: Rika: So… It might work, but it might not? Chiharu: Loopholes! >1. Significantly reduce discomfort and pain! >(In many instances most, if not all, traumas and distress can be eliminated!) Naoko: We could use some of that now. Chiharu: No! It’s part of the scam! >2. Significantly increase mobility and strength ratio. Chiharu: Yeah, I’m feeling more mobile already. Yamazaki: Amen! ** The four of them were all shaking their heads sadly as they left the theater. “Selling barely legal narcotics through spam mail,” Chiharu sighed. “What is this world of ours coming to?” “A screeching halt,” said Naoko. “Good,” said Yamazaki. “Cause I wanna get off.” “We’re out of the theater now, guys,” said Rika. “You can stop with the riffs.” “But, seriously,” said Chiharu. “What happened to the vision of the internet as a great boon to society, a bottomless well of information to serve us?” “It, like all other forms of media, has succumbed to commercialism and depravity,” said Naoko. Rika sighed. “God, you guys are depressing today.” ** DEEP 13 Eriol allowed himself an evil chuckle. “Good, good!” he said. “Their spirits are starting to break already. Soon I shall have them all.” ** THE HABITAT OF LOVE “It’s pretty bleak,” said Naoko. “But we can take it if we can help Sakura-chan and the others.” Chiharu nodded in agreement. “Yes,” she said. “We’ll show that annoying twerp Hiiragazawa and his little guardians too!” “I second that!” said Rika. “Then it’s unanimous!” said Yamazaki. With that, they began to sing “We Shall Overcome”. ** DEEP 13 Eriol stared blankly for a moment. “….or maybe not.” Eriol said. “Well, they still won’t last long. Push the button, Ruby Moon.” Just then, he realized that Ruby Moon wasn’t there. “Someone should tell Takashi that his singing voice sucks,” he said as he gave the button a smack. THE REAL END (Feel free to hum “Catch You. Catch Me.” as the credits roll.) Sorry this entry took so long. I hope it was worth the wait. Until next time, -CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) Season One: 1) The Brain From Planet Arous-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo 2) The Mike Rhea Anthology-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea (Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss) 3) Neon Ranma Evangelion-A Ranma ½ /Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By Khyron Kingkiller 4) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy 5) Stolen-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou 6) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy 7) The True Power Of Love-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul 8) Marco Polo-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou 9) Madison’s Mystery Crush-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Chocolat* 10) Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker Season Two: 11) The Next Generation-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu 12) Caught In The Act-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny 13) The Shadow Leaders-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker 14) Shinji’s Alter-Ego-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82 15) Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla-A Sailor Moon Fic By Flashman (Christian A. Rogers) 16) Temples, Captors And Knights (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy 17) No Need For CardCaptors-A Tenchi Muyo/Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Christina Horton 18) Temples, Captors And Knights (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy 19) Mother, May I [Take Over The World]-A Pokemon Fic By Mallet Boy 20) Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By Golden Eyed Dragon Season Three: 21) Harry Potter And the Pantie Raiders-A Harry Potter Fic By Ice Blue X 22) Saint Tail-A Card Captor Sakura/Kaitou St. Tail Fic By chibicherry 23) The Unforgettable Promise-A Love Hina Fic By KenshinRC 24) To Find My Dad And Have A Family-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By MoshiMoshiQueen 25) Revolutionary Girl Asuka-A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Joyce K. Wakabayashi Deep Fried SPAM: 1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net 2) Now Offering For Your “Sensitive” Delight… New And Improved! Specials: -Christmas Special-Under The Mistletoe/Tsubasa Gets What He Deserves-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea -Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 1-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama -Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 2-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama Visit CCST3K Online: http://cardcaptor_schlueter.tripod.com >"Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm) ... Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2002 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....