DOOR SEQUENCE 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... (Joel, Gin-Rei, and Nuku-Nuku are standing around a table with Crow laid out on it. He is still recovering from the hit he recieved from Gin-Rei in the theatre for his 'witty' humor. Joel had fixed his hand too.) Crow: Uhhhhhhah. Where's my head? Gin-Rei: Thankfully, it's still on your neck. Joel: Hey Crow, you might want to lay off on the Hentai jokes around her. Nuku-Nuku: Maybe you shouldn't be so extreme in dealing with Crow, Gin-Rei. Gin-Rei: I know. But I've had to act really extreme with Tetsygeu hovering around me like a you-know-what. Joel: Ah yes. (Mads light starts blinking while Tom comes in.) Tom: Ah look, let's see how Lenny is doing without George. (DEEP 13) (Dr. Forrester is still laying on the ground, muttering incomprehensible dialogue. Frank is sitting in a chair wearing a Hawaiian shirt, straw hat, Bermuda shorts, and holding a drink while watching Kimangure Orange Road on a TV and VCR.) Frank: Heh heh. That Hikaru. (SOL) Gin-Rei: Having a good time Frank? (DEEP 13) Frank: Hm? Ah, there you are guys. Heh heh, I dunno. It seems kinda' weird not having Dr. Forrester here mutilating and distorting my body with his fun and fancy free experiments. Dr. F: Lint is good! Frank: It sure is, Dr. F. (SOL) Nuku-Nuku: So will that mean the end of you sending Joel-san and his friends these bad fanfics? Crow: Yeah! *Cough* (DEEP 13) Frank: Au contraire, my friends. After sending you guys these crappy fanfics and movies for all these years, I've grown quite attached to the pleasure of watching you struggle through them. So call me sick but, I'm gonna' keep these experiments comin'. (SOL) Joel: Oh Frank. Come on! Tom: You wouldn't! Nuku-Nuku: You're mean! Gin-Rei: Why I oughta'....*Loads gun* (DEEP 13) Frank: Yeah, yeah I know. Thanks for your support. Well, back to the fanfic guys. Hope you enjoy your 'hurt'. Heh heh heh. (SOL) Gin-Rei: Only if we get to ram it down your throat buddy! Tom: Et tu, Frankincense? Nuku-Nuku: Don't worry Gin-Rei! You can survive! You've done great so far! Joel: That's it Nuku! Keep the spirit alive! Gin-Rei: Maybe I need that suit. Nuku-Nuku: You want to borrow it? Gin-Rei: Eh, no thanks. It might not be my size. Crow: What a shame. Gin-Rei: Ah, return of the king of Hentai. (Klaxons blare.) Joel: Oop. Here we go. Back to the front, guys. Everyone else: HAI! (They enter the theatre) (DOOR SEQUENCE 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...) (The group of five enters the theatre, assuming their previous positions in the seats.) (Nightbreak: Assume the position! (Sorry, too easy :) ) > CHAPTER 3: THE IDENTITY REVIELED Joel: And our interest dulled. >The boy tossed and turned, he was doing it again, Tom: He was thinking about The Avengers again and the scene with Sean Connery in a Teddy Bear costume. Gin-Rei: It took me a week to get over that. > he was letting the visions Crow: Of Escaflowne. Nuku-Nuku: You've used that joke to death Crow. Crow: It works. >cloud his mind. Suddenly, the boy shot up out of bed. Joel: Bang! Tom: Who put the Scud Missile site underneath his bed? >"Nephlite, Zoycite, Malachite, NOOO..." he shreaked. "It's not true. It can't be true. Tom: Looks like someone just found out exactly what Dic cut out of the dub. Heh heh. >Not Nephlite, not Malachite. Zoycite, I could care less about if >it is true, but I just can't belive it." Gin-Rei: Face it kid. Those rainbow colored flags in their rooms meant something. >He gasped and looked around himself. He was in a nice, soft, warm bed, in a beautiful room. Joel (Bob Ross): A happy little room. Tom (dreamily): With soft walls and a nice white jacket with locks on the sleeves. . . >He looked down, his wounds had been tended to, he was clean, and his clothes were mended. Nuku-Nuku: Not bad for someone who had to do all that by himself. >The door knob turned and in came Lita and Mina with a cart load of food. Tom: Yep, he's living out Crow's most personal fantasy Crow: Bite me, dome boy. Me and every other deluded fanboy out there. Joel: Guys... >There were; cakes, pies, apples, tacos, burittos, brownies, cookies, (Joel, Nuku-Nuku, and Gin-Rei begin drooling at the sight of the food.) >grapes, bananas, fish, chicken, ice creams, cheeze, pizza, and many, >many more delicious foods. Nuku-Nuku: Wow. Frank is torturing us with this fic. Joel (Homer): What!? No doughnuts? Douuuggggghhhhnutts... Gargrglh. (Drools) Gin-Rei: Ewww, clean up in aisle seven. >The boy's eyes widened at the sight of all that food. Gin-Rei: And how it would clog his arteries up so bad with all the cholesterol. Joel: Reminds me of that British cooking show, "The Two Fat Ladies". >"Is all that for me?" he asked excitedly. He couldn't remember seeing that >much food in a 'long' time. Joel: Same could be said for us. Gin-Rei (sighing): Ohhhhh, look at it all. . . . >"Yes, it's all for you," Lita laughed. Tom (OOC Lita): And so are we! Crow: Nice one. >"She worked hard on getting it all set up for you, so we expect you to eat every >drop of it," Mina teased. Nuku-Nuku (Mina): If you refuse, I'll be forced to hurt you. >"Mina, that's no way to talk to our guest," Lita said. Gin-Rei (Lita): I'M supposed to be the sadist around here. >"I was only picking with him, don't get all wraped up about it," Mina said. Crow (Lita, neurotic): No! It was mean! you must pay! Hahahahah! Nuku-Nuku: So, pretty much the original Lita, huh? Crow: Yeah. >"Yeah, yeah. Good greif! You've got a healthy apitite! >Half of that's gone already! Even Serena's not THAT fast!" Lita said. Nuku-Nuku: Suddenly the sound of high-pitched uncontrolled sobbing could be heard in the distance. >"The way he's going about it, you'd think that he hadn't eaten in >five months," Mina laughed. Joel: What tipped that off? The fact that he looks like a skeleton in Saran Wrap about now? >"Longer than that," the boy said stuffing a whole buiscite in his mouth and >swallowing in one gulp. Tom: Then he choked on it and died. The end. Gin-Rei: Tom's not a happy beaver right now. Tom: Not with all that food sitting there and not even a little waffle for me! >"I've been traveling for five months in search of the Sailor Scouts, Crow (Jedite): Deep fried in beer battered bread crumbs. Nuku-Nuku: Actually, Scouts taste better baked and sprinkled with icing sugar. Crow: Do tell. . . >I was short on food years ago and only ate every now and then." Gin-Rei (Jedite): Some Jack In the Box, McDonalds, Taco Bell. The usual. Joel: No wonder he kept his food intake to a minimum. Tom: The McDonald's Arch Deluxe, with Ten percent less fat than a bowl of fat! Nuku-Nuku: You used that already. Tom: Yeah, but it's worth repeating. >"Mina," Lita said nodding her friend over to the side. Crow (Eric Idle): Nudge, nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more! Say no more! Eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Gin-Rei: It's scary how well you can do that. >"Five months ago," Lita whispered, "we got rid of the Nega Moon, >the Black Moon Family. Do you think...?" Nuku-Nuku (Lita): We killed the kid's family? Nahhhh! >"NO, I don't think he could have any thing to do with them, none of them were blond..., Joel: Because we all know that all blonde white people are good like Usagi. Gin-Rei: Man if that's true, I'm turning over to the dark forces so quickly. >where they? Besides, if he did have something to do with them, how would >he know Zoycite and Malachite? Tom (Mina): Ignoring the fact that they were study partners. >Besides, he seems to sweet to have anything to do with them," Mina said. Nuku-Nuku (Mina): Even though he looks like he's from the Village of the Damned, he CAN'T be evil. >"Good point. You know, I can't help but feel that I know him from somewhere," Lita said. Gin-Rei (Lita): I've fought him countless times while he was with the Negaverse, but I just can't recognize him. >"I sudgest you go get King Darien and Neo Queen Serenity," Mina said. Tom: I suggest that you don't. Okay? Crow: King Darien. *sigh* Look out. Wuss-boy's going to pull a power trip again. >"Back in a flash," Lita said. *Suddenly a small sharp background pop is heard* Gin-Rei: What was that? Joel: That was the pun tolerance system (PTS) on the bridge exploding. Crow: Everything all right, Gypsy? Gypsy: (Over intercom) There's a bit of smoke up here. Everything's fine. Except the PTS. >"This is the boy you brought in?" King Darien asked. Tom (Darien): Good. Now we can finally sue Michael Jackson for harrassment. >"Yes, Darien," Lita answered. Nuku-Nuku (sarcastic): Ohhhh. He's called Darien. All the girls HAVE to like him! Gin-Rei: Don't let the members of PMS hear you. >"He looks familiar," Neo Queen Serenity said. Crow (Jedite): Though no more than yourself, meatball head. Gin-Rei (Serenity): WAHHHHH! I'm the queen! And I still get called that! Joel: There can't be a show without that. >"We've already stated that, Serena," Lita said. Joel (Lita): In the form of a question. Crow (Alex Trebek): Yes, that's correct. Serena is *always* a crybaby. >"You know who he reminds me of?" Princess Mars said. Nuku-Nuku (Mars): A young Mike Nelson! Joel: Who on Earth is that? Nuku-Nuku: Uhhhhhh.. . >"Who, Raye?" Serena asked. Joel (Serena): They're a great band! Crow: Ahhhhh! So that was your joke from before! Now I get it! Joel: Geez. >"Jedite," Raye answered. The Scouts all gasped and backed away from her a bit. Tom (Scouts): Rei, did you use mouthwash this morning? >"What'd I say?!" Gin-Rei (Random Scout): We don't take Polish jokes very well in these parts, Miss. >"And you found him in a fight with Armando?" Princess Mercury asked. Nuku-Nuku: Armand Assante? >"Sure did, Amy, the poor thing" Lita nodded. >"The poor thing indead, Tom: Couldn't save the story. Quite a shame indeed. >he's probably scared to death," Luna said. >"Well, are we just going to stand out here, or are we going to go in?" Artimis asked. Joel: Into Jedite? Ewwww. >"You say he knows Beyrl's generals?" Darien asked. Gin-Rei: Yep. All their names are in his little black book. >"He knows their names, if nothing else," Lita said. Nuku-Nuku (Lita): Which is good. Considering the private lives of some of them. >"Let me handel him. Crow: She's gonna' play symphony music for him? Nuku-Nuku: No, I think the author meant to spell 'handle'. Crow: Oh, I... (Looks at sentence) Ewwww. >After that little episode with Jordan and raising Rini, Joel: Rini destroyed the country of Jordan while being babysat? Tom: I'll buy that. Gin-Rei: Chibi-Usa: Pink Little Fungus by Day. Anarchist By Night. Next on 60 Minutes. >I've found that I'm actually good with kids," Darien said. Nuku-Nuku (Darien): As long as I have riot gear on. >"Who says?!" Serena asked. Crow (Darien): That's it bitch, you're goin' down! *Imitates ki blast* Gin-Rei (Serena): WHAAAAA-ACK! *Splat* Tom: Tux-boy finally speaks for the audience! >Darien payed no attention to Serena's little comment and walked into the room, Joel (snotty Darien): I ignore you, little person. >with the Scouts close behind. Gin-Rei (Darien): Easy, girls. You'll all get a piece of me. (Pause) WHAT DID I JUST SAY? >"Good evening," he said. Tom: Great, now he's Hitchcock. *Crow imitates the Hitchcock music* >The boy pushed away the 'NOW' empty cart that his food had been on and weakly >smiled. Joel (kid): *UUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!* Tom: Good one, Joel! Nuku-Nuku: Geez, he must have a deep prejudice towards carts. Gin-Rei: A gang of carts killed his family when he was young. >"Mamoru, no, Endymion, no, Darien, he always told me not to call him by the >code name, Joel: Banana. >unless in battle," the boy thought. "Good evening, your majesty," he answered. Crow: (Darien) That's it kid. Ass-kiss to your heart's content. Heh heh, I love this job! Tom (Mel Brooks): It's good ta be the king! >"I hear that Lita and Mina pulled you out of a fight and saved your life," Darien said. Gin-Rei (Darien): Wimp. Tom (kid): Weenie. Gin-Rei (Darien): Stickboy. Tom (kid): Pansy. >"Yes, and I'm very grateful," he said. >"I trust they've treated you well?" Tom (Jedite): Yeah, but could you tell DiC to unfuzz those transformation sequences? Gin-Rei: Don't cross over into Crow's territory now, Tom. Tom: Sorry. >"Yes, sir." Nuku-Nuku: Nuku-Nuku will riff this fanfic her very best! >"Where do you live and with who?" Crow (Dirty Harry): Gimmie' answers, you maggot!" >"I don't have a home any more. It's burnt now. Nuku-Nuku: I told you to leave the heat on 300 degrees. >I use to live with my parents, at least, until I was four. Tom (Jedite): I matured 14 years in a fortnight and I couldn't stand them anymore, so I got a dorm. >But, they died when someone tryed to get revenge on them. >I've lived with my older brother, by four years, until now. Crow (Dustin Hoffman): I don't know. Time for Wapner. >But, he's gone missing and for all I know, he's dead now, too. Gin-Rei (Jedite): He died of overexposure to bad spelling. >It's been such a long time since I've seen him. My cousin told >me the Sailor Scouts could help me. Joel (Jedite): I told him to get real. Poor deluded fanboy. >I've traveled almost none stop for five months to find you. >But now, for all I know, he's dead too. Nuku-Nuku (British Malachite, offscreen): I'm getting better! Tom (Jedite): No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment! >I'm probably the only one in the family left living," Crow (Jedite): After reading this fanfic, the strain was too much for them. >the boy sobbed. Gin-Rei: Then Serena joined in to compete on who could fill the room first. >There were many exchanges of "awe"'s and "poor thing"'s. Tom: Urge to. . . explode. . . rising. . . Gin-Rei: I never really appreciated what the Scouts and Senshi go through when they do these fanfics. Until now, that is. >"Tell me, do you know Beryl's generals?" Darien asked. >"Yes sir, Nephlite, Zoycite, Malachite, and... Nuku-Nuku: Annette. >I use to be one," the boy answered. Joel: I quit however. Pay was lousy and they didn't have dental care. >Lita and Mina looked at each other. "Maybe Armando was right, maybe he is crazy," Crow (Mina): Maybe we shouldn't have let Serena make the pizza. >Mina whispered. >Darien was agitated at this. Gin-Rei (Jittery Darian:) G-g-g-ot t-t-o l-a-la-y of-f th-e-e Jol-l-lt. Crow: Hey, Jamie is gonna get you for that riff. >It wasn't exactly the answer he had expected. Nuku-Nuku (Darien): Why do I always get the weirdos? >"What's your name?" Tom (Deep voice): I'm Batman. >"Prepare yourself for a shock," Luna thought. Joel: Meet my friend, Lum. Crow: I'd have her shock my sensors anyday. Gin-Rei: Only you Crow. >"It... it's J... Jedite," the boy answered. Tom (Jedite): Wanna' make something of it punk!? Huh? Huh? Ya' wanna'? >Everyone gasped and face faulted. All: *Sounds of floorboards breaking* >"WHAT?!?!" Darien was really upset about this one. Gin-Rei (Darien): They don't make Snacky Cakes anymore!? The horror! >He clenched his fist together and tried not to hit the child. "If you're joking..." Nuku-Nuku (Darian): I'm gonna' crick my knuckles so hard that, Its gonna' make your ears pop! >"No," Luna said. Crow (British): No!? You won't stop being a mason? (Joel makes hammer bashing sounds) That's wrong! That's all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! No! Bad dog! Baaad dog! Gin-Rei: Actually, cat. >"He's telling the truth," Artimis said. Tom: Clinton? I think not! Gin-Rei: Along with the rest of Congress. >Lita leaned over to Mina, "The madness is spreading," she said. Nuku-Nuku (Lita as Hamlet): Perchance to dream, aye there's the rub, Should I throw a toaster in Darien's tub? >"We heared that, Lita," Luna said. Joel (Luna): I'm gonna rub your mouth out with kitty litter. >"Hear us out, at least," Artimis grumbled. Crow: When did this turn into the People's Court. >"What do you mean he's telling the trueth, Mommy?" Gin-Rei (Kitten): The whole truth and nothing but the truth? >a little gray kitten asked. Tom: Nermal? >"Well, Diana, IF everyone will hear us out, your going to learn something about >the past in the days of the Moon Kingdom," Luna said. Nuku-Nuku (Luna old): In my days, magical girls were classy gals who knew REAL magic and wore tiny skirts which exposed their panties! Not these sluts with their skin tight spandex, and their silacone thingamajingies, and big guns. >"Better make it snappy, I've got a date tonight," Princess Pluto said. Crow (Pluto): Every puppy eyed puss from the eighties and nineties is going out with me and you aren't gonna' stop me! Gin-Rei: Wow, being alone at the Time Gate all the time really brings out the estrogen in her. >"Suzanne's so lucky," Princess Neptune said to Princess Uranus, who only nodded >her agreement. Tom (Neptune): She gets out of this fic earlier than we do. >"Don't worry, Suzanne, we won't make you late for your date..., again," Joel (Artemis): Please don't put my head on a plate for making you late, mate. Nuku-Nuku: Not bad. >Artimis said, face faulting. All: *Again make sounds sounds of floorboards breaking* >"Good, then, you can get on with it," Suzanne said. Tom (British): Get on with it! Crow (Life of Brian): All right! Consider the lilies. . . >Luna just rolled her eyes. Nuku-Nuku: She shouldn't do that. What if they stick? Joel (Luna): *Crrreeeeaakkkk!* OW! >"Alright, but first, Mina, Lita, didn't you say that he had called >you two by some names that sounded familiar, but you had never heared before?" Joel: And this is so intriguing for us becauuuuuse? Gin-Rei: Joel, don't start getting into the fanfic's plot too. >"Yes," Mina said. >"What dose that have to do with our past?" Lita asked. Tom (Lita): You know none of us can stand Buckley's cough syrup. >"You'll see," Artimis said. > >"EVERYONE, EXCEPT Rini and Diana says that he looks familiar? Crow: Well with Rini, we can understand why she thinks that. Nuku-Nuku: Are you sure putting in the word 'think' works in a sentence with the name 'Rini' in it? Crow: Good point. >Raye said he reminds her of Jedite?" Luna asked. Tom: A Jedi knight? Hardly. >"YES, GET ON WITH IT!!!!" everyone said. Gin-Rei: The plot? Not anytime soon. >"You don't have to yell at her, for crying out loud," Artimis said. Joel (Artemis): Want some Prozac guys? Tom: Them and the entire cast of Ranma 1/2. Crow: The little Sailor Senshi of Perpetual Premenstrual Tension. Gin-Rei & Nuku-Nuku: Crooowwwww. . . . . Crow: Yipe. >"May I?" Luna asked. Tom (random Senshi): Scratch us all so that we can go the hospital and out of this fic? Please do! >"Be my guest," Artimis said. Crow: (Artemis) Do your best! Gin-Rei: Ummmm, no. >"Thank you. Back in the days of the Moon Kingdom, Nuku-Nuku (Luna): It was really boring. Goodnight everyone! >everyone had a secret code name for when in battle...," Luna started. Joel: Names like Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy or in some cases, TOGGG!" >"But the only people who knew them were your freinds, Gin-Rei: And the guys who shoved the decoder rings into the Coco Puffs boxes. >and the preist that gave them to you. When in battle, you called each other by >these names. Nuku-Nuku: Like Larry, Curly, Moe, Shemp, Torgo, and Waterworks! >Otherwise, you just used them to show friendship. Tom: Uhhhhhh. . . okay. >All of the Scouts and Darien had two a piece. Crow: Two bits! >That's why Serena is now called Neo Queen Serenity," Artimis took over. Joel (Artemis): Pretty lame huh? Didn't make sense to me, either. >"Was one of her names Meat Ball Head?" Raye asked. Nuku-Nuku (Luna): Why yes, yes it was! Crow (Serena): WAAAAAAAAAH! I get no respect! >"Raye!! I told you not to call me that!" Serena said. Gin-Rei (Raye): Why not? It's why the fanboys like me. >"Yeah, that's my job," Darien said wraping an arm around Serena. Tom (Serena): Umm, *gasp* Darian? My windpipe is *gag* being crushed. Joel (Darien): I know. >"Uhhem...," Luna said, face faulting, once more, Nuku-Nuku: Geez, they must spend tons on repairing floors with all those faces hitting them. Tom: Not to mention plastic surgery. >"Artimis forgot to mention that we cats also knew your names. Gin-Rei: And everything else personal, you know. We CIA types like to do that type of stuff. Crow: The cats are out there. >You often used them when you were alone, Tom (Luna): In disgusting ways that we can't tell to the audience. Joel: WHY IS THIS EVEN IMPORTANT?? >but you pulled some good ones in battle with them. There was one >time when you got the enamy all mixed up because you called everyone >by every name ever given to them. Joel: And that's when the stuff hit the fan. >Needless to say, it saved Darien's life," Luna couldn't help but laugh, Nuku-Nuku (Luna): Ha ha ha. No, wait it didn't. Sorry. Joel: We can only wish. >"he had been called so many things that day Nuku-Nuku: It hurt his feelings and he felt deep personal shame for the rest of his life. > and the spy for the other side had gotten so confused that he gave himself up because >he didn't know who it was he was suposed to be shooting anymore. Gin-Rei: That's what happens when you use corporate PR people as assassins. >He was sent to kill Darien so that the other side would win, Joel: Oh yeah, like losing the rose heaving puss will do something. Crow: The female moonies are going to kill you for that one Joel. Joel: Eh, so what? It felt good. >but he gave up when he relized that there were more names for him than that." Tom: Uh yes, that idea was established a few sentances ago, wasn't it? Gin-Rei: What does having more than one name have to do with not killing him? >"Hold the phone, Nuku-Nuku (picks up the phone): Got it! > didn't our parents know about our names, or at least my mother?" >Serena asked. Joel (Luna): You were left under a cabbage leaf by the stork, Serena. >"Nope," Artimis said. >"'Fraid not, Serena," Luna said. Nuku-Nuku (Luna): We killed them all of. . . I mean, they vanished mysteriously. >"Then... what was the use for it?" Serena asked, face faulting a bit herself. Gin-Rei (Luna): Dunno. I just wanted to mess with your already miniscule mind. >"Uh..., it's your turn Artimis," Luna sighed. Crow (Luna): You be the scapegoat now. >"Why, thank you ever so much," Artimis said, sarcastily, "I was afraid of this. >(Sigh) It was tradition, none of the kings and queens wanted to stop it." Joel (Artemis): We played along with them. Even though they were full of crap. Stupid, inbred, lazy, idiotic, rich, fat, money-grubbing, oxygen-starved good-for nothings! >"Oh, makes since," Serena said. Tom: Maybe for you but not for us, or any other intelligent person. >"I don't get it," Chibi Saturn said. Gin-Rei: Since when did Saturn become chibi? Nuku-Nuku: She probably drank too much coffee at a young age and stunted her growth. >"Don't get what?" Luna asked. Joel: Well, the whole plot of the story, for example. >"If only our friends knew our code names, then how come, Jedite knows them?" Nuku-Nuku (Chibi Saturn): Well, besides the fact that you told him the names. >"What's that supose to mean!?" Jedite yealled. Tom: Absolutely nothing! Let's give the boy a hand, folks! *All start clapping* >"Uh..., can we hurry this up!?" Suzanne asked. Gin-Rei (Suzanne Scotty): Me bladder under full pressure canna' take no more! >"Don't worry, Suzanne, you won't be left this time," Princess Neptune said. Crow (Neptune): Give the slow, boring plot time to run its course. Nuku-Nuku (Pluto): Oh, right. I almost forgot. >"Yeah, after all, Sue, they promised not to make you late this time," Princess Uranus said. Joel (Uranus): I mean it's only one and a half hours after he was supposed to meet you. Much earlier than last time! >"Care to explaine this one, Artimis?" Luna asked. Joel (Artemis): Geez! Just dump all the dirty laundry for me why don't ya'!? >"Why...? Oh, alright. You see, back in the days of the Mook Ningdo... blah... >the Moon Kingdom, All: THAT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE! >before Beryl got her grubby hands on them, Nuku-Nuku: Ewww. She probably got all this grease and dirt all over it. Joel: Poor personal hyigene was what really contributed to the downfall of the Negaverse. >her four generals were Darien's best friends. That's how he knows your secret code >wames... blah... where did that come from?... code names," Artimis said as quickly >as possible. Gin-Rei: Artemis is turning into Elmer Fudd! Tom (Elmer Fudd): Be vewy vewy qwiet! I'm swelf-inswerted! Hehhehheh! Crow: There haven't been very many signs of self-insertion so far. >"Alright, dose everyone understand now?" Luna asked looking right at the chibis. Joel: Oh my god! They've cloned Chibi Usa! All: AHHHHHHHHH! YE GODS! >"Yes," everyone said. Nuku-Nuku: In unison. Without any free thought at all. Tom: They probably had just seen a Bruce Willis film. >"Good, now, Suzanne, you can go get ready for you date tonight," Artimis said. >"Thank you," Suzanne said. Gin-Rei (Suzanne): FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I'M FREE AT LAST! >"Don't mention it," Luna and Artimis grumbled. Crow: They must have been paid the least to star in this fanfic. >"You're not staying for dinner?" Princess Neptune asked. >"No, Casie, I'm not," Suzanne said. Nuku-Nuku: With Serena's cooking? I can understand why. >"Lita and Serena are cooking," Mina said as she and Susane walked out. Joel: Actually Lita called in sick. Akane is subbing for her. >"Maybe that's why I scheduled it for tonight. No, I'm just joking, Serena," Nuku-Nuku: Yeah right, Suzanne. Tom (Suzanne): PSYCHE! >Suzanne said knowing Serena was about to jump down her throught. Gin-Rei: That must be a tight fit. Tom: The author meant to spell 'throat'. >"I forgot that they were cooking tonight, but I can't cancel. Crow: Yup, life can be a bitch eh? Not being able to enjoy Serena's cooking. >I've only got a few minnutes until he gets here, he's the only guy I know of that's >ever on time." Nuku-Nuku: Wow, now this is what I call a fantasy! Gin-Rei: Tell me about it. >"Well, Serena, I guess we had better get to work if we want to get finished >in time for dinner. Joel (Lita): Hand me my radiation suit, will you? >Coming?" Lita said yanking on one of Serena's ponytails Gin-Rei: And snapping it off. Tom: I could never stand her hairstyle. Joel: Four words: Giant fans. Long ponytails. >and running for the door. Nuku-Nuku (Lita): *BUMP* Itaiiiii. . . >"Oww... On my way, Lita," Serena wailed. Crow: Geez, what is she? An ambulance siren? Tom: How'd you find out her part time job? >"The Meat Ball Head's cooking? I wounder if Lita relizes what she got herself >into when she enlisted her help," Gin-Rei: A world of hurt. >Raye said. "I'm going to my garden for a while. Amy, could you come and get me >when dinner's Joel (Raye): ...Oops! I mean, the carbon based elements... >finaly ready?" she asked heading out the door. Nuku-Nuku (Rei): *BUMP* Ow. Crow: They really should wear their glasses more often. Tom: Or try opening the door. >"Sure, as soon as someone comes and gets me out of the castle library," >Princess Mercury said leaving the room at Raye's side. Crow: Ahhhh! Lesbian action! Gin-Rei: Shut up, hentai, or else your Anime 18 collection gets it! *clicks gun* >"What's eating Raye?" Princess Uranus asked as she and Casie left the room. Tom: Probably Yuri. Gin-Rei: Man, that one's obscure. >"Who knows with her, Naecoma. Crow: Naecoma? Must be Scotty denying that last drinking binge that put him down. > I think all the blood hasn't left her head yet. Nuku-Nuku: Not like there was much inside it in the first place. >She was sent to Earth upside down, you know," Casie laughed. Joel: Hey! That's a racist remark against Australians! Tom: Naecoma and Casie. Well, two more Fan-created Senshi to take the load off Haruka and Michiru. >"Yeah, and besides, she's so full of hot air, Crow: Maybe she should lay off the fibre. Joel: Crow... >it's no wounder she's in charge of fire," Naecoma laughed. Tom: I get the impression that the author doesn't like Rei. This Mars bashing is getting to me. Gin-Rei: Why do you like her so? Tom: Well who else gives Usagi a kick when she really needs it? Gin-Rei: Good point. >"Not much has changed in two thousand years, has it?" Jedite thought. Crow (Jedite): Besides our skin rotting off and decaying. Everyone else: Ewwww. Crow: Well he did say two thousand years. >"I'm glad he's back on our side. I don't know if the Scouts could stand >another episode from him like that one with Titas," Luna said. Nuku-Nuku: Or any more DiC episodes, period. Tom: I just thought of something: DiC. *DiC*aprio. Scare anyone else? All: Brrrrrrrr. . . >"You know, I still remember that day, you wouldn't belive the trouble I got into for that," >Jedite said. Joel (Jedite): Shoving cherry bombs into the toilets, TPing Beryl's room, brasnapping the girls... >"Well, it's not our fault that she got that stupid crush on you and wanted to help you, >she knew the price," Luna said. Crow: 50 dollars for the afternoon, 20 bucks to carry it into the night... Gin-Rei: You're testing my patience Crow. >"Why you...," Luna and Artimis didn't wait for Jedite to finish, >but raced out of the room, "stupid cats," he said. Nuku-Nuku: Hey! You take that back! Tom: I'm tempted to agree with him here. Luna and Artemis are just so OOC. >"It's nice to have things back to normal, Luna. Maybe the two of you will >start arguing with each other and you'll leave me alone for a while," Artimis said. Joel (Artemis): Let's go boozing. >"Oh, shut up, Artimis," Luna said rolling her eyes. Crow (Luna as Butthead): Huh huh huh. I told him to shove it. Huh huh huh. >"Hold on, you three," Darien said as Rini, Diana, and Chibi Saturn tried to >sneak out of the room. Gin-Rei (Darian): I saw you taking those photos. Joel: Nabiki's been hiring new slave... er helpers. >"Yes, daddy?" Rini asked. Tom: Oh boy. >"I want you to do me a favor. Rini, Joel (Darien): Try to forget that me and your mother had you. I already have. >how would you, Tammie, and Diana like to show Jedite around, until he gets use to >Crystal Tokyo?" Darien asked. Nuku-Nuku (Darien): Remember to charge him extra for the tour. Negaverse types always carry flipping great wads of cash! >"Daddy... ow," Rini said as Tammie elbowed her in the stomach. Tom: Crushing her abdomen in. Gin-Rei: My, Tom is the dark one. Tom: Well with Rini around, it's damn hard to avoid. >"Rini," Diana said. Rini looked at Tammie and then at Diana and knew exactly what >they were thinking. Crow: Something involving large amounts of pain towards her, I hope. Joel: Hey guys, don't waste all your energy on Rini. Okay? Tom: But it's fuuuuuun! Joel: *Sigh.* Well, try to be tasteful. >She slightly smiled and nodded. Nuku-Nuku: Following Joel's advice. Joel. Hey... >"We'd be happy to," Diana said. Gin-Rei (Diana): Anything to get away from pinkie over here! Tom: I didn't mind her in the SuperS movie, but R & S seasons? Brrrrr! >"Good, you can start tomorrow," Darien said. The girls smiled and left the room. Tom: Ready to cause violent mayhem and hokum. >"Don't worry, Rini, if all gose well, we'll have a personal slave," Tammie said. Crow: Now that is just plain sick. >"Yeah, but if all dosen't go well, we'll have a personal slave that everyone knows >about," Rini said. Nuku-Nuku: Oh, my gosh. That sentence actually had evidence of Rini owning actual brain cells. Joel: Still, she'll lose them fairly quickly. >"True, we almost never got over that groundation from the last time we tried it. >But then again, the grownups nearly got sued for it," Diana said. Gin-Rei: Geez, it seems like almost everyone's involved in Zippergate. Even the Moon Kingdom. Crow: BAD MENTAL IMAGE THERE!!!!! Gin-Rei: Suffer, Hentai. >"But, we can make it seem like he's doing it willingly, so long as Pegasus dosen't >get jelous," Rini said. "But, I really resent having to hang out with a guy that >isn't Pegasus." Joel (Rini): I admire a guy with wings. >"Be lucky you have one," Tammie and Diana said. Crow (Rini): I stole him from Disney! >"Jinx, pinch, poke, owe me a coke, one, two, three, four, Nuku-Nuku: Smoke, grope, spill it on a pope. > f..." Tammie said. Gin-Rei: Hey! Quit the South Park talk young lady! >"Stop," Diana said. Crow: Thank you. >"Ooo, I got to five just as you told me to stop, so, you owe me six cokes," Tammie laughed. Tom: "Drug dealing among upper class Moon Kingdom minors." Next on A Current Affair. >"How would six cartons of chocolate milk from the quick stop sound? It's cheeper," >Diana said. Gin-Rei: Cheapskate! Joel: I hate to be critical, but this Moon Kingdom isn't anything like I pictured it. Tom: You know, you're right. >"Well... ok," Tammie said. >"So, what do you think?" Darien asked. All: WE DON'T! >"Well, I don't know," Jedite said. Suddenly, something snapped inside him Gin-Rei: A little Pepto-Bismol will fix that up. > and his adult actions left him, probably, never to be seen again. Nuku-Nuku: Uh oh! He went through puberty backwards! Crow (Jedite): Well at least my crotch isn't so itchy anymor..... Everyone else: CROW! >"I think it's a great idea, so long as it's only until I get use to the place." >"Alright, they'll start tomorrow, Joel (Rini): Oh and you have to buy your own mind control collar. Sorry. >that is, if you're up to it. But, they can start when ever," Gin-Rei (Valley girl): Or like, whatever! >Darien said. "Well, Serena's helping Lita cook, so you might want to get some >sleep Nuku-Nuku: ...In the bomb shelter. >while you wait for dinner, you look as if you might need it, and it is going to >take a long time with the Meat Ball Head in the kitchen." Tom (Darian whispering): Here's twenty bucks. Just pick up some Double-Double's from In n'Out. >"Alright," Jedite said as Darien closed the door. Almost instantly, the boy fell asleep. Crow: While standing up. Gin-Rei: I knew Jedite was long in the nose, but a horse? >"Serena! Turn the stove off, for crying out loud!" Lita yealed. Gin-Rei: *KABOOM!* (Serena) Oops! Sorry! I'll pay for your reconstructive facial surgery this time, Lita! >"Ooops," Serena wailed. She whirled around very quickly and turned the stove off. Joel: Honestly, that crying would turn anyone off. >"Move, let me handle this," Lita said. "You can fix the rice, I'll finish the spegetti." Nuku-Nuku: Get the connection guys? Meatballs? Spaghetti? Crow: With Serena's cooking, it's hard to call them 'meatballs'. >"UH, Lita, just... how tight is that pony tail?" Serena asked. Crow: AND that leather bodysuit you're wearing? Gin-Rei and Joel: Crow... Nuku-Nuku: Not as tight as this thing I'm wearing. Oof! >"Oh, don't mind her, she and Alexander broke up today, Tom: Hey, Jamie! That's the second girlfriend Alex can't keep! > and she's really cheezed off," Mina said Crow (Mina): I told her not to overheat that jar of Cheese Whiz. > as she walked past the kitchen. "Hey!! Is that what I think it is?" Joel: It's a Noisy Cricket (tm)! Hey Serena! MEATBALLS! Gin-Rei: WAHHH...*BOOM*...auuuuaaaaagh... >Mina jumped into the kitchen. "Yep, it's spegetti alright." Tom (Lita): Well, at least it LOOKS like it in a vague way. Nuku-Nuku (Lita): That hardest part is the one that involves tasting, chewing, and digesting. >"Mina, get out of the kitchen, you're in the way. If you're not cooking, you don't >need to be in here," Lita said. Gin-Rei (Mina as HAL): I can't do that, Lita. >"You'll just make it to where we have to wait longer for dinner." Joel (Mina): Well why do you think I'm here? Tom (Mina): I'm getting paid by the hour for this. >"Alright, I'm going, as soon as I loosen your ponytail," Mina said, pulling Lita's hair >down halfway. Tom: (Sleazy horn jazz) Wah wah wah wah wah wahhh wahhhh! Crow: I hate to say it, but that would be a good start to a lemon scene. >"That tears it, get!" Lita said. Nuku-Nuku (Lita): Bad Mina! Sit! Stay! No biscuit for you! >"I'm going," Mina said. Crow (Mina): And I'm taking the other senshi with me! >"Darien, are you sure it's safe to leave Jedite alone with those three? Gin-Rei: Even though Larry, Curly, and Moe are such *nice* boys. . . > You remember what happened last time they were left alone with a bunch of boys? Joel (Darien): It taught me that slumber parties only involve ONE sex instead of TWO. >We almost never heared the end of it," Princess Uranus said. Gin-Rei (O.J.): My deepest condolences ma'm. Tom (Clinton): Me too! >"Naecoma, I know they did it before, but I think they learned thier lesson, that time. All (Rini, Tammie, & Diana): THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!! >You can call me crazy, but I trust them this time, All: You're crazy!! > I don't know why, but I trust them theis time. Nuku-Nuku: Hey, someone hit Darien. His soundtrack is skipping. >Besides, we have security cameras all over the castle. If they try to >replay that day, here, we'll know," Darien said. Joel: The Moon Kingdom castle is just another Westwood estate. Tom: Big Weenie is watching you. >"Yeah, but what if they leave the castle?" Naecoma asked. Crow: (Darien) Don't worry, the nuclear space frisbees of death I put in orbit will take care of the problem. Gin-Rei Now that one was just plain wacky. >Darien started to answer, but, Suzanne caught him off gaurd. Gin-Rei: With a left hook to the jaw. Nuku-Nuku: Please. >"Cas, Naec, come here," she called. Tom: Casnec? Isn't that a French liquor? Joel: Thats Cognac. >"'Sup, Sue?" Naecoma and Casie asked. Nuku-Nuku: Great, now it's Different Strokes. Tom: Chibi-Usa and Gary Coleman would be the ultimate formula for Armageddon. >"I want your opinion on the dress. What do you think?" Suzanne asked opening >her bed room door. Crow: It's too transparent I think.... Oh wait, you don't have any clothes on! Never mind. >"Well, if I was a guy, I'd say you were very atractive in that dress," Naecoma said. Joel (Naecoma): Want me to become one so you can know for sure? Nuku-Nuku: Ick. Don't give the DiC writers any ideas. >"Shutup, Naec. Nuku-Nuku: Why are so many of the people in the castle so edgy? Gin-Rei: The world economic crisis has hit Crystal Tokyo pretty hard. And they all have some pretty big investments in the wrong spots there. >You look good in that dress. Where did you get it?" Casie asked. Joel (Casie): I mean, I didn't know there were any Wide and Tall outlets here. >"You wouldn't belive me if I told you," Susane said. "I can go get you girls one latter. Tom (Random girl): A spellchecker? Can you hit all green lights while you're doing it? >Do you really like it?" The dress was short and dark red, it stoped at her knees >and had sequences all over it. Joel: Solve for x: 5 + x/34= 56 * 21/4 > It was rather tight and looked like something Cleopatra would have worn. Crow: Hey, she stole Misato's wardrobe! Gin-Rei: Actually that's MY wardrobe! Grrrr. She never returned it! >"Do we really like it!? Listen to her, of course we like it. It looks great on you," >Naecoma said. Nuku-Nuku (Naecoma): Just put the flame thrower down, Suzanne. We really, REALLY like it. >"Good, because I want to make sure he'll like it." Susane said blushing. Gin-Rei: If not, then he can just drop dead. Joel: I guess this fic takes place during 'that time of the month'. Gin-Rei: Joeeel, be careful. (Taps her gun) >"Uh, you might want to get a man's opinoin on it first, though," Casie said. >"Darien, come here." Tom (Casie): Can you be a punching bag for a moment? Crow (Darien): Yes? Tom (Casie): Do you know any men that we can get an opinion from? >"Yeah? Wow! Where did you get that dress?" Darien asked. Crow (Suzanne): Out of your closet. >"Don't worry about it. Do you think it looks good on me?" Suzanne asked. Nuku-Nuku: Uh oh. It's the DIMMLFU action coming up. Joel: DIMMLFU? Nuku-Nuku: Does It Make Me Look Fat or Ugly. >"Yeah, but, that's not what you're wearing is it? He might try something if you >wore that," Darien said. Gin-Rei: Wearing his own dress? >"Well, I don't have time to change, he's here," Tom (Suzanne): I'm sure he won't mind me going on a date with him nude. Crow: (begins drooling) >Susane said as a car horn beeped. Suzanne rushed down the stairs and >met her boy friend at the door. Joel (Suzanne): *BONK* Ow! Nuku-Nuku (Suzanne): Oops! Forgot that it was a outward opening door! >"Good timing, this time," she thought. Joel: She trained him for two years on how to simultaneously get to the door when she would. > CHAPTER 4: THE TROUBLE WITH CHIBI'S Tom: The story of the anti-Rini movement across the world. >"Jedite, come here," Rini called. Gin-Rei (Rini): Bow and grovel! >"Yes?" he asked. He had only been with the chibis for a day and was already tired >of them, Joel: That long? It only took us a few minutes. > they had him stepping and fetching all day, he was really bumed about it, >too, but he didn't say anything to them. Crow: He was too busy contemplating seppeku. >"We're fixing to play house and we need someone to be the daddy," Diana said sheepishly. Joel (Diana): Can you act abusive, sit on the couch all day watching football and chug Bud Lite? Tom: I though Diana was a cute little kitten. What gives? >Jedite rolled his eyes. Nuku-Nuku: He's using them as marbles! That's gross! >"And that someone's me, right?" he asked. "Who's the mother?" Tom: If it's Rini, I'm going to scream so loud, that it is NOT gonna' be funny. Crow (Diana): Think again, Jedite. Rini, the enuch shears, please. . . >"I am,"Tammie said, angerly. Tom: Whew. Everyone else: Whew! >Jedite sighed. "If you had told me I'd be doing this two thousand years ago, >I'd of said you were crazy." Gin-Rei (Jedite): And I still find you all crazy, even after two thousand years. >"Dose that mean you won't do it?" Rini asked widening her eyes to make it look >like she was about to cry. Crow: I hope she loses all of her bodily fluids while crying so much and dies of dehydration. Nuku-Nuku: My my, he's getting dark. Original, but dark. >"No, that means I don't want to do it, but not that I won't." Tom: EHHHHH! WRONG-O! >"So you will?" Tammie asked. > >"Well..." Joel: He shoots, he trips up! >"Please we can't play without someone being the daddy and Pegasuse isn't here," Diana said. Gin-Rei: I don't think using a winged horse works as a daddy for playing house, in my opinion. Tom: I'll second that, sister. >"Why can't we just have it where the daddy ran away and the mommy had three kids, >one boy and two girls?" Jedite asked, Crow: Ahhh, the Disney film family. >knowing that eighter way, he'd get the worst of it. Tom: Eighter? That's an illegal butchering of English conjugation! >"Umm... Hold that thought," Rini said. The girls huddled up and talked it over. Gin-Rei (Rini): Now, on three, we make a break for the nearest plot hole. . . >This was just what Jedite needed, he knew they were ploting against him. Nuku-Nuku: Jedite IS Agent Mulder in: The Rini-Files. >"I think my chances with Beryl and the Negaverse Moon were better off. >If only Nephlite were here, he'd teach them," Jedite whispered to himself. Joel: Nephlite. Half the calories of a regular Neph. >Sure enough, he got the worst of it, he didn't have to play the part of the daddy, >but, Gin-Rei: Of Flanders! Tom: Hidely ho, Sailor Senshi-a-reenoes! Joel (Rini as Homer): Shut up, Flanders. >he did have to play the part of the male version of Cinderella. Crow: At least, that's what Rini called cramming that pumpkin over his head. >All he could say when this happened was, "Help." All: Welcome to our world! >Three weeks later, it was Lita's birthday. Tom: How much do you want to bet the Scouts all chipped in and got her a new boyfriend? Crow: No bet. > Jedite stayed as far away from the chibis as possible. Nuku-Nuku: They didn't get their shots yet and their mouths were beginning to foam. >Darien began to wounder Gin-Rei: Hey, wound her again! > about what the girls had been doing for the past three weeks. Tom: Don't go there, Tux-boy. Pink Sugar is everywhere! >Jedite went out onto the balcony to Crow: Jump. >get away from the party for a while. He looked up at the full moon and sighed. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Well, time to turn into a lycanthrope now. >"What's wrong, Jedite?" a voice came from behind. Joel (Jedite): ALERT! There is a shriner in the punch. Tom: You're reaching into the really obscure now, Joel. >It was Naecoma. Jedite smiled, "Oh, Haruka, you startled me." Gin-Rei (Jedite): Happen to know where Naecoma went? Joel (Haruka): Yeah, she handed off to me for a minute, mumbling something about calling in sick tomorrow. >"Jedite, you know you don't have to call us by those names any more. Nuku-Nuku (Haruka): Just stick to the stupid dubbed names for now. >We understand what you're going through and we all think of you as a member >of the family. Tom: A dysfunctional family, of course. But with less sitcom aftertaste. >I was woundering, are Tammie, Diana, and Rini treating you badly? Crow (Jedite): Well does using me as a table to hold the goat head while they dance around me naked considered bad treatment? Joel: Image. . . forming . . Rini . . . naked. . . AAAAGGGHHHHH! All: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! >If so, I'll talk to them about it for you," Naecoma said. Gin-Rei: And the Naecoma/Rini UN talks continued into the third week. >"No, it's not how they're treating me that's got me bumbed," he lied, Joel: About the supposed plot that's supposed to be intriguing and involving? >"it's just that, I miss Nephlite and Malachite, and now and then, Zoycite. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): And also Huggy Bear sometimes. >I was told I'd see them again when I found the Scouts, but..." Crow (Jedite): Their flight got delayed. >Jedite trailed off and bit his toung, Gin-Rei (Jedite): Hmmmm, blood does taste like steak. >he had often cried over his brother, but he couldn't start it now. Tom (Chanting smoothly): Big boys don't cry... Big boys don't cry... >He couldn't have showed his true feelings in frount of the Scouts he was >afraid to. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Thank goodness for the Al Gore University of Stolidity and Dullness! >"I just can't stand the thought that I'm the only one left alive. It all seems so strange," Joel (Jedite): Being able to roll my jockey shorts into little balls. They'd never let my brother do that. >he said. "To top it off, the chibis have been a little ruff Gin-Rei (Jedite): With their taking a bite out of crime and all. >around the edges with the way they treat me, but I'm not letting it get to me, much." Crow (Jedite): I've managed to get my suicidal intentions down a little bit. >"I thought as much," Naecoma said. Tom (Naecoma): It takes exactly 294 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Joel: I still prefer the three lick method. >Jedite looked her over and smiled. Crow (Jedite): Hmmm, nice control, suspension, wheels, and headlights. I'll take it! Gin-Rei: Now that one was low. >She had really out done herself this time. As a matter of fact, this was the first time >he could ever remember seeing her this dressed up. Tom (Jedite): Nice burlap sack! > She was wearing makeup. Nuku-Nuku: No, that's cardboard. >Her dress looked like the one Suzanne had worne on her date three weeks ago Crow: And it still hadn't been washed. Ewww! >except that this one was gold lined with white lace and came to her ankels and >hugged tight to her body tracing her girlish figure. Nuku-Nuku: Geez, the author is so bored that she's starting to obsess over a dress that caught her eye in a JC Penny catalog. Crow: Haruka's going to want a word with the author about characterization when this's all done. Tom: Then again, this is Naecoma, not Haruka. So the author can do whatever they want. >She wore golden sandels that looked ancient greek and around her left arm All: TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA! >was an Egyptian bracelet. It actually made her look atractive. Tom: Remind me to put this person on the Senshi hit list. >"She ought to dress like this more often," he thought. Gin-Rei: Only if you start to dress up that way, buddy! >"Naec, do me a favor, don't let them know that I was complaining about how I'm treated, >they'd probably kill me," he said. Tom: So you'll just let them torture you without asking for the aid of adults? Crow: I'd just grab a flame thrower and roast Rini. Do the job yourself. >"I doubt it, they may chew you out about it for the rest of your life, but I >don't think they'd kill you. Joel: Pfffft. Besides, what'll Rini use? That Pink Sugar crap attack? Gin-Rei: Actually the disgusting cuteness of it is quite lethal, Joel. >Do you really know the code names for all of us?" Nuku-Nuku: No, but a certain fanboy sitting in front of the screen can. Crow: Hey. >"Sure do. Want me to tell you them?" Tom: Not particularly. Joel (Naecoma): But we've got to fill up some useless page time. So, go ahead. >"Sure, why not? I alredy know that we Scouts count our Scout names as one of our two, >but I wouldn't mind knowing the rest," Naecoma shrugged. Gin-Rei: Geez, some senshi she is. Doesn't even know all the code names. >"Ok, Lita's is Makato; Mina's Minako; Raye's Rei; Serena's Serenity and Usagi; >Darien's Mamoru, Tuskikage no Knight A.K.A. Moon Shadow Knight, and Endymion; >Amy's Ami; Tammie's Hotaru; Suzanne's Setsuna; Casie's Michiru; and yours, >Naecoma is Hauka. Joel: So their code names are their Japanese names? This doesn't make any sense. Nuku-Nuku: The code name thing didn't make sense either. Tom: Someone's stretching to avoid double-billing the Senshi and the Scouts. >'Nough said, or do you want me to tell you the ones that Beryl's generals used as well?" Joel: Oh, go ahead! And after that, you can recite all the phone numbers in the New York Phone book! >Jedite said, even though he knew that talking about them was the last thing he needed >to do to save his nerves Gin-Rei (Woody Allen): Oh dear, my aching nerves. Oh my, oh my, oh my. >and he secreatly hoped she wouldn't answer that question with a... Crow: Burp? >"Yes, I would love to hear what they used," she said. Tom (Naecoma monotone): It is fascinating. Resistance is futile. I have no free will. . . >Jedite sighed and silently moaned. But before he could say anything else, Nuku-Nuku: Someone just tasted the spiked punch in the party currently going on, and proceeded to act like Don Rickles riding a horse by using a dessert cart. >Casie interupted the conversation. "Naec, Jed, come here," she called. Joel (Casie): They're playing Pearl Jam! Booze up and riot! >"Some one up there loves me," Tom: Mammy... Mwaaa. >Jedite thought as he followed Naecoma to where Casie was. There beside her stood >a charming man in at least his thirties. Gin-Rei: That's one heck of a shoe size. > He was tall, his hair was a light brown, his eyes were a bright, but deep set blue, > he had a golden brown suntan, Gin-Rei: Fabio? Crow: Flabio... Flaaaabio. >the only flaw on his face was two scars Nuku-Nuku: Captain Harlock? Crow: Hopefully Emeraldas is with him. >on the left side that he said he had gotten from falling off a horse into a brier patch. Tom: Oh wait. He's Chuck Yeager. Gin-Rei: He hit a cactus Tom. Joel: This fanfic certainly does a good job of breaking a barrier. The 'boredom' barrier. >Naecoma was taken in by his looks Tom: Since when!?? This is Uranus we're talking about, here! Joel: Tom, some people aren't too comfortable with the true characters of Haruka and Michiru. Tom: And some of those still manage to write them *in character*! > and leaned over to Casie. "Cas, who's that hunkimister beside you?" she whispered. Crow: Hey! It's..... Biff Buffpecs! Gin-Rei: Squeeze Bulkchop! Tom: Rush Thudlift! Nuku-Nuku: Crunch MacDeltoid! Joel: Beef Slicemunch! Crow: Buff Bagwell! >"That's why I called you over here. I want you two to meet Emillio," Casie said. Tom: Emilio Estevez? Gin-Rei: Lita's gonna have fun with this guy. >"We're suposed to be going on a date next week." Nuku-Nuku: Wow, Lita's already started! >"Emillio, his name's as perfect as he is. Joel: But his recent movies. Ehhhhhhh. >How did you meet him?" Naecoma asked. Crow: Well, his ad WAS pretty big in the singles section. Joel: Okay guys, lay off the Mighty Ducks dude, okay? >"That's one of the percks of knowing Princess Lita," Casie laughed. >"I think she's found someone for you too. Joe, is his name, I belive." Tom (Casie): Just don't go to his Apartment. Gin-Rei: Nobody did. >"I CAN'T belive she's parting with any men she knows. >They always remind her of Freddy," Nuku-Nuku: Freddy Kreuger? Crow: Now we know the origin of Chuckie. Tom: Ewwww, please. Perish the thought! >Jedite said starring suspiciously at Emillio, who starred back pretty suspicisiously too. Gin-Rei: That's the face he wears all the time. Crow: Can we have a moment while I weep for the passing of two wonderful Senshi? Gin-Rei: Not at all. Crow: Thanks. (Breaks down) >"If you'll exscuse me, I've got to get out of the crowd before Diana, Tammie, and Rini >find me." Tom (Jedite): They were wearing leather and brandishing whips near me! >"What's eating him?" Casie asked. Crow (recovering): Probably Rini soon, heh heh. Gin-Rei: Hey Crow. Keep that up and I'll have Nuku here treat you like Poison One. *Nuku-Nuku gives Crow a suspicious-looking grin* Crow: Aw man, I thought she was on my side! >"He misses his brother and his cousin. That plus the fact taht the little ones >are treating him like trash. Joel: Yeah, they throw him into the trash can head first to compact it. >I told Darien they would," Naecoma said. "That would explaine it. Poor thing. >Torne away from his family, Tom: Geez, did the author take English spelling lessions from someone in the Elizabethan age? Nuku-Nuku: This fanfic is hardly Shakespherian work itself. >then Lita and Mina drag him half dead out of a fight with Armando, and now the brats >are treating him like a pupet on a string. Gin-Rei (singing): You can't feel anything, you're just a boy on a string! >We need to let Darien know." Casie said. Crow (Casie): Get me Andorra! >"Who was that kid? I think I've seen him from somewhere before," Emillio asked. Tom (Emillio): Maybe I can give him Mighty Ducks tickets. >"That was Jedite. A friend of Darien's we took him in a couple of weeks ago when >he came to us for help. Joel (Naecoma): He said some weird stuff about being in a self-insertion fanfic. Didn't believe him. >His family's gone missing and he's staying here with us until he finds them," Naecoma said. >"Jedite's just too proud to show how much he misses the other three Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): I miss them (spreads out arms) thiiiiiiiis much. *THWAP!* Crow : Ow! Nuku-Nuku: Sorry! >and if he's too proud to admit that, Gin-Rei (Freud): Then he haz und out auf control ego. >then he's definatly too proud to acept any help of getting the girls off his back. Tom: Just take a taser to them. >Or at least that's how I see it," Joel (Naecoma): Then again, he's probably just a puss. >Naecoma said. Unfortunatly for Jedite, the girls had been listening to everything said >from the instant Naecoma had steeped out on the balcony with him. Crow (Diana): Lesee... Bet wetting problem. Check. Athsma medication and attacks. Check. Nose spray.... >"Well, at least now, we know his week spot. Who's going to hit him there first?" >Diana asked. Nuku-Nuku: Ahhh, their parents have been such a good influence on her. Tom: It's Serena and Darien. What do you expect? >"Let me handel him this time," Tammie said. Gin-Rei (Tammie): Break out the Hallelujah Chorus! >"Good, go get him," Rini said. Crow: As you can see, guys, I could have planted some very perverted and low-class riffs for both of those lines of dialog. But with two feminine forces blocking my progress, and of those actions done by me would instantly be put down or censored. Gin-Rei and Nuku-Nuku: Good job, Crow. Crow: *Grumble* I wish Marta was here. >"Right," Tammie dodged after him and followed him into the hallway. >"Hold it right there," she said when they were alone. Joel (Tammie): Do you know how fast you were going in that hallway, mister? >Jedite stoped and spun around. "Oh, gesse, I should have known. Nuku-Nuku: He got goosed? >Well, what do you want?" Gin-Rei (Jedite): I told you. The money is buried under the big X. How hard is it? >"Did you enjoy yourself at the party?" Tammie asked. Tom (Jedite): Well, other than the drunken senshi doing the macarena in their underpants, no. Remember, my horemones haven't been fully formed yet. Crow (Jedite): Darn puberty reversal. >"Y... Yes, I did. What of it?" > >"That's bad. You weren't supose to be out there enjoying yourself. Tom (Tammie): You're a Puritan, remember? >You were supose to be cleaning our rooms," Tammie said. Joel (Jedite): D'oh! I almost forgot that indentured servant contract you made me sign. >Jedite sighed and rolled his eyes. "As usual, I'm the one who gets picked on," he thought. Gin-Rei (Jedite): But they won't pick on my twin Uzis hidden under my bed for sure! Joel: I see Miss Dark is here with us. Nuku-Nuku: Well, Rini picking on Jedite does make you feel kinda' resentful. Joel: Good point. >"I'm sorry, I forgot that I said I'd do it today," he told her. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Oh wait, that was the 'today' that was the today three weeks ago. Darn they sure seem to fly by! Crow: Huh? >"Yeah, but I bet if your stupid brother was here or had asked you to do it for him, >you would not have forgoten, would you?" Tom (Nephlite): Hey Jedite! I'm back to life! Hittin' on the girls I se.... Huh? >"HEY!! Don't EVER talk about him that way. Nephlite is not stupid and IF he asked me, >instead of telling me I was going to do it the way you three did, NO I wouldn't have >frogoten," he said. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Don't let Senor Sock over here get disgruntled! Joel (Sr. Sock): Lo es tiempo para el barbacoa, chicas! Gin-Rei: Uhhh, I only know Spanish from the Yo Quiero Taco Bell junk on TV, Joel. Joel: Ahh don't worry. People will get it. >"Don't you raise your voice at me, BUDDY! Nuku-Nuku: Oh dear, here come the Thought Police. >You may not relize it, but it's not safe to raise your voice at a lady of the little >Princess's court," Tammie said. Crow: It's times like this that I'm glad that absolute monarchy is dead. Tom: These girls are making me feel pity for the Negaverse, myself. >"And maybe you don't relize it's NOT safe nor very smart to raise your voice at one of >Darien's ex-body gaurds, nor to order around one of Beryl's ex-generals. >It'll catch up to you in the end. Gin-Rei (Jedite): In simpler terms, bite me. Crow: Hey, my repartee! >Now, I don't care what you say about me, but so help me, Nuku-Nuku: As God as my witness, I'll never god hungry again! Joel: Who's gonna get that? >if you say one more word about Nephlite, you'll regrete it. >Now, if you'll exscuse me, I'll go and finish up your rooms," he said. Joel: Oh wow. He sure read them the riot act. Tom: Are you guys sure that he isn't Kasumi in disguise? >Tammie slaped him. Crow (Tammie): Fresh! >"Look, I don't care what you say. I'm not scared of you. You remember that, I'll say what >ever I want to about Nephlite and you won't raise your voice to me again, got it? Gin-Rei (Jedite): No! Pbbbbt! Ha ha! Tom: This is making me wish for a nice, dark, Mark Page fic right now. With a quiet, suicidal Saturn, an Usagi youma running amok, and danger at every turn. Gin-Rei: Sounds cool. Crow: Slash doesn't think so. >Besides, you're too weak to have been one of Darien's body gaurds, Joel (Jedite): Yeah? Have you seen Darien? Tom (Tammie): Gosh darn it, you're right! > so I don't know what would have possesed Beryl to make you a general of her's. Crow: The Demon of Plot Devices, what else? > She probably keep you around for her own personal entertainment, Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): That's it babe. You've just opened yourself a Negaverse-sized can of whup-butt on yourself! Crow: Whup-butt? Nuku-Nuku: Papa-san implanted a language chip into me. Some people are bad influences around me so I filter out nastier stuff. Joel: Maybe he should give you one for this fanfic. >if not for the entertainment of both her and her demons," Tammie said. Tom: Oy vey! >Then she turned on her heals Crow: Which until then had been turned off. > and began to storm off smiling for she had suceeded in what she had wanted to do. > She had brought tears to Jedite's eyes. Gin-Rei: And just to think that our heroic Sailor Senshi have raised such impressionable and responsible children such as these three. Joel: If Rei was in here, this theatre would be fried by now. Gin-Rei: I'm thinking of trashing it, myself. >"Remember, I am older than you, if you ignore that little time difference." Tom: Yeah, but what if he goes through puberty again and becomes a big, hulking, surly, nineteen year old? Nuku-Nuku: A universe of hurt for Rini and her gang. Gin-Rei: Wait, wait. . . . Ahhhhhhh. Just pictured that. . . >That night, he cried himself to sleep. It was his first night alone in the castle >of the Negaverse all over again. Crow: Minus the air conditioning. Joel: No wonder the girls are so touchy. >The next morning, Jedite sprang up and rubbed his face where Tammie had hit him. Tom: Then he proceeded to go postal on any living organic thing in the castle. Nuku-Nuku: Watch out Tom, don't let the Dark Side overwhelm you. >"What's wrong with me? Why am I scared of a bunch of girls?" he asked himself. Gin-Rei (Jedite): And the idea of cooties seems strangely re-established in my mentality. >"Because I'm little and sensitive about everything. That's why. I'm only around for the >amusement of other people. Joel: A real boy-toy. > I'm always the one to be picked on. I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself, but > that's just not how I am. Tom: Geez, he'd be a perfect friend for Shinji Ikari. >I can take up for others easier than I can myself. Well, I had better get up, >the royal pains have set up a picnic in the park today Crow (Jedite): I'd better head out there and stake them all to the anthills. > and I'm supose to carry their stuff for them." Joel (Jedite): But hopefully they come across the 'surprise' I packed for the picnic. Heh, heh, heh. Crow: That kid's gonna' be writing Redrum all over his walls sooner than we think. >Jedite rolled his eyes and jumped out of bed. Gin-Rei: Then he got back on it, looking for the eyes that had rolled out of his sockets seconds earlier. Joel and Nuku-Nuku: Ick. >He washed up and left the room. > >Rini was in a bad mood, so were the others. Nuku-Nuku (Rini): We only broke three quarters of his self-confidence instead of all of it! Curses! Tom: Look out. Rini with PMS. Not a pleasant thought. Crow: What about Saturn? One Death Ribbon Revolution on a bad hair day. . . >Darien had found out about what they were doing and keep them up until midnight Tom: Smashing their heads in with a hammer. Joel: Well, that was dark, but it's about time Darien got tough on them. >lecturing them about it and warning them that he was watching them by use of the >security cammeras. Gin-Rei: Big Darien is watching you. >The seven year old girls said they would apolagise when Jedite got up and would treat him >better. Crow: However, Jedite wasn't so forgiving when they met him. Tom (Jedite): Here, I'll let Mr. Double Bladed Chainsaw here do the talking! Nuku-Nuku: Man, these guys, need some cheering up. Gin-Rei: Hey Nuku! Come here! (Nuku-Nuku and Gin-Rei start whispering and planning.) Joel: Hmmmm. >But, as soon as they left the castle, they started it up again. Joel: I told them that old Dodge Dart was a little rusty. >Jedite was loaded down with a lot of stuff that the girls had brought along. Crow (Jedite): Man, these sex toys sure are heavy. (Nuku-Nuku and Gin-Rei stop whispering) Nuku-Nuku: That sounds like a great plan! Gin-Rei: They'll get a real kick out of it too. Crow: Hey, just my luck! They didn't hear me! Heh heh. >The only thing they didn't let him carry was the basket with the picnic food. Gin-Rei: That's actually a nice thing of them to do since Serena made the food. >They knew he'd take his time, and besides, they didn't want him eating any of it. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Well good riddance! I'll be laughing at them when they bite into Serena's food! Bwahaha! >"You girls go ahead. I'll catch up in a minnute," Jedite told them. Tom (Jedite): Hmmm, that tree over there looks perfect for a snipe shot. >He sat the stuff down and leaned against the tree. He stoped and looked around. >This part of the park looked very familiar. Crow (Jedite): And who are those four kids over there? There's a really fat one two and, hey! Rini just killed the kid wearing the orange parka! Joel (Stan): Oh my god! Rini killed Kenny! Gin-Rei (Kyle): You bastards! >He had seen it before in his visions. Crow: Of Escaflowne? Nuku-Nuku: Crow, that joke's been dead, buried, and decomposed. Crow: So what? >This was where Nephlite died. Jedite gasped when he realized it and closed his eyes, Gin-Rei (Jedite): My hands, around Rini's neck, really firm, and a lound crunching noise. Nuku-Nuku: Hey Gin-Rei! Remember, you've got to keep chipper. ;) Gin-Rei: Oops. Almost forgot. ;) Tom: Girls? >hoping that the vision would not replay itself like the one for Malachite's death had. >Suddenly, he felt as if some one was watching him. Joel: The American media? Gin-Rei: They've stooped that low, eh? >Jedite thought that it was the evil that was left in him and he threw his hands to his head >and Tom: ...Wondered why the heck it wasn't kickin' in. >begged to be left alone. He began to glow as he struggled. Crow: Man, he really needs to take a shower. >But, he felt no evil in this presence like he had in Malachites. He began to cry. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): *Sniff* Being a good-guy sucks. >He couldn't stop the pain from the visions, nor could he stop the feeling of the >presence from bothering him. Joel: The presence of the river? Gin-Rei: Now that's REALLY obscure! >"Don't cry, Little Bit," a familiar voice said. Crow: Shave and a hair cut... Two bits! >Jedite gasped once more and slowly turned around to find his older brother staring at >him worriedly as if he wished he could help the poor child. Tom (Nephlite): Hey lil' bro! Wanna' play 'Hide the Napalm in Rini's Blouse'? Gin-Rei (Jedite): Hell yeah! >The glow left the child as he slowly took his hands from his head. Nuku-Nuku: Zest-fully clean! >"Nephlite, is it really you?" he asked horsely. Joel: No! It's Elenor Roosevelt. Of course it's me! >"Yes, Little Bit, it's me, or at least my spirit, anyway. Tom: Sorry I couldn't be alive, but you know, budget cuts for this fanfic and all. Gin-Rei: Resurrecting villains is getting costly these days. >Come closer, you know I'm not going to bite," Nephlite's spirit said. Crow: *CHOMP* (Nephlite) Ha ha! Psyche! >Jedite tried to smile but found it hard. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Mmmm! Shouldnna' put the Warhead immymouth. Mmmm! >He walked up to his older brother's spirit and litteraly beegan to cry. Joel: Well how else could he cry? Figuratively? Metaphorically? >"I thought I asked you not to do that." Nephlite said placing his hands on his little >brother's shoulders. Gin-Rei (Nephlite): Ick, you got snot all over my coat! Control those dams in your nasals, kid! >"I know, I just can't help it. I miss you so much," Jedite said. Tom (Jedite): I can't aim properly! >"I hate seeing you like this, Jed. Well, you won't have to miss us for much longer." Crow: What? Joel: He said miss. Miss! Lady from Muppet Movie (Enters): Yes? Joel: Great, there goes the fourth wall. (Lady leaves.) >"What do you mean?" > >"You'll find out tonight, Little Bit. Tom: Why does he keep calling him little bit? Is Jedite a video game system or something? Crow: Nah, he thinks he's Robert De Niro. >Gesse Louis, Nuku-Nuku: Geese Louis? I knew a guy named Geese Louis! >Jedite, what happened to your face, is that where Diana slaped you last night?" Gin-Rei (Nephlite): Yep. Failed panty raids can be a bitch. >"Y... How did you know about that?" Joel (Nephlite): Well, I invented this thing called a script. . . . >"I've been watching you ever since you got here, and I'm apalled by the way those >three have been treating you. Crow (Nephlite): But woah! That Rini chick really can pull some smooth and painful snuggies! Tom (Jedite): Hey! Infertility ain't no laughing matter! >But, don't worry, It'l all change tonight." Gin-Rei (Nephlite): See this button? *Click* *BOOM!* See where the castle 'used to be? >"Tonight?" > >"Yeah, look, don't ask me to explaine. Nuku-Nuku: More olde Englishe writinge. Joel: I fay, It is gettinge to mine nerves alfo. Tom: Hear hear! Crow: Huzzah! Gin-Rei: Sigh. >You've done your part, just relax, Joel (Nephlite): It's just a fanfic, you should really just relax. >when you get the chance. We're playing our part tonight." Crow (Nephlite): I'm gonna' be Guy Hanging Off of the Stern of the Boat #12 in Titanic! >"Neph, you're not making any sence." Gin-Rei: Along with the spelling and grammar. >"Have I ever? Don't answer that." Nuku-Nuku (Nephlite): Cause' I sure as heck ain't! >"Darn, and I was going to say yes." Crow (British): Oh pooh! I got the question wrong again! >"You wouldn't have. You know you wouldn't have." > >"Yeah, I wouldn't have. Wanted to, but wouldn't have." Tom (Jedite): I coulda' been a contendah! Gin-Rei: I can't remember ever seeing such thrilling dialogue. >"Well, I had better let you go before you get into more trouble with the brats. Joel (Jedite): But that's what I'm gonna' cause, big bro'! Heh heh! >I guess I'll see ya tonight, Little Bit," Nephlite said. Jedite sighed, picked up the >stuff and headed off in the direction the chibi's had gone. Crow: Then suddenly fell into a plot hole, the end. >He had promised himself that the four of them would be together again if it was the last >thing he did, and from the sound of it, that was exactly what was going to happen. Tom: Unfortunately, some unforseen events had come up on the Negaverse schedule, so Jedite wasn't able to carry on with his grand plan to brutally murder the chibis. >Although, he couldn't help but wounder about what Nephlite ment by, "We'll play our >part tonight." Joel: It meant that Nephlite and his pals were gonna' make good use of the good ol Second Amendment. >Jedite sighed and smiled to himself, whiping away a tear and continued >on his way. Crow: And into obscurity. Joel: Say you girls have been pretty quiet for the past minute. Nuku-Nuku: Joel? Tom? Crow? Would you come with us? Tom: Uh sure gals, what is it? Gin-Rei: You'll see. ;) Joel: Hmmmm. (They all exit the theatre) From the Duke: That's four chapters down, four more to go! And two more parts. Check out what else happens. Man. The guys who run C.U.R.E. would love to use this fanfic as an example for their mission. From Nightbreak: Where can I sign up? I'm more upset about the butchering of the Outer Senshi (which includes Hotaru). Rini has always been and will be one of a kind (I hope).