(Joel, Tom, and Crow are seated at a round table. Gin-Rei and Nuku-Nuku had told them ealier to wait there. So far they had been gone for five minutes) Joel: I wonder what the girls have planned for us? Tom: I don't know. So, what do you guys think of the fanfic? Crow: Well, I must say it isn't awful, but it ain't too grea... (Crow catches a glimpse of Gin-Rei and Nuku-Nuku walking onto a small makeshft stage platform. Nuku-Nuku had taken off her suit and put on a dress. It was colored red with gold designs all over it, and the skirt on it went down to her knees. She also had a pair of flowers in her hair, one one each side of her head. Gin-Rei was wearing her original white mini-skirt with black gloves, and her long green hair in a ponytail.) Crow: Whoah! I didn't know it was Saturday night tonight! Heh heh. (Gin-Rei walks up to a microphone.) Gin-Rei: Good evening, guys. Do bad fanfics lower your self-esteem? Joel: They sure can! Nuku-Nuku: Do you feel as if you can't go on any longer after riffing it to death? Tom: Heck, yeah. Gin-Rei: Well to cheer you guys up, we've written a special song to give you a boost, just so you can fly through the fanfic with flying colors. Crow: All right! (The lights dim, a spot light operated by Gypsy focuses on the duet. Some calm music starts playing which sounds kind of close to 'Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?'.) Gin-Rei: o/ A day comes by when you have to su-ffer. It can't really be avoi-ded. o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ Some villian shoots you up into space to trash bad fan-fics. Ones that deface the anime they feat-ure o/ Gin-Rei: o/ They force you to face up to an infamous a-vi-tarrr o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ One who you'd hate to have in your home-room. o/ Gin-Rei: o/ Either its Bane. o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ Or Kintobor o/ Gin-Rei: o/ Possibly Oscar. o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ Or Adam Chris Leigh. o/ Gin-Rei: o/ And other people who just don't have a clueeee. o/ Both: o/ But it doesn't matter, cause' we're gonna' get throuuuuugh. o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ Adulterations of the English language abouuuund. o/ Gin-Rei: o/ Typos, missing conjunctions, and forgotten pro-nouuuuns. o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ And a bunch of plot holes the size of Marrrrrs. o/ Both: o/ But with our juiced up riffs, we're gonna' get faaaaar. o/ Gin-Rei: o/ So give your sense of humor a big kiiick. o/ Nuku-Nuku: o/ But just remember to lay off the hentaiiii. o/ (Crow: Hey...) Gin-Rei: o/ If you keep doing this to pass the tiiiiiime. o/ Both: o/ Then those nasty fanfics are gonna' go... Bye byeeeeeeee. o/ (The lights brighten and Joel along with the bots get up and start clapping and whistling. The two girls take a bow.) Joel: Wonderful. Just splendid. Tom: *Sniff!* I feel better already. Crow: That was great, girls! Thanks for the encouragement. Nuku-Nuku: No problem, guys. It was Gin-Rei's idea. Gin-Rei: And Nuku helped a lot with the song and the set. Joel: What do you think, sirs? Oh wait, I mean sir. (DEEP 13) Frank: *Sniff!* Just... Magnificent... Dr. F: Yipee for steak! Duhhhhh. (SOL) Nuku-Nuku: It's nice to see that we've got a widespread audience. (Klaxons blare.) Joel: Well guys, you ready to go? Everyone else: Fire away! Joel: Alright! Move out! Let's riff that fanfic! Everyone else: HAI! (They enter the theater.) DOOR SEQUENCE: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... (Everyone takes their original seats that they had before. Nuku-Nuku has the BABABFA suit on instead of the dress.) Tom: Wow, how did you change into your suit so quickly, Nuku? Nuku-Nuku: It's a secret. ;) > CHAPTER 5: THE REUNION Gin-Rei: Of pain! >That night, Jedite awoke to the sound of someone calling his name. Crow: Rosebud... Nuku-Nuku: TETSUUUUUUO! Tom: JOOOOOEEEEEE! >It was the same voice he had heared in the Negaverse castle. Joel: But with wider range and Dolby sound! >He jumped out of bed and ran onto the balcony outside his window. Tom: And right off it, forgetting that the balcony didn't have railings. Crow: I see that the Chibis are still at it. >There in the middle of the court yard, stood Beryl with Zoycite and Malachite >on eighther side. Gin-Rei: Eighth side? Is the yard shaped like an octagon or something? Tom: 'OTHER' side. I think the author had Mr. Spellcheck at the PC hospital. >"Ok, Little Bit, Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Quit calling me that! It's annoying! Joel (Jedite): I'm not a byte! I'm a human being! >get them baack and I'll come in to help you get rid of Beryl, Crow (Voice): Come on, kid. Tell us where you hid the Speed. >you won't be able to beat her without us and she still has control over them two," >a voice said. Tom (Voice): Type in 'godmode' at the menu and you'll get invincibility! >"Neph? Why me?" Gin-Rei: Why ask why guy? >"Do you have to ask?" Nuku-Nuku: Do we have to care? >"Why bother? Let me guess, the stars say that it's my destiny?" Joel (Alex Trebek): *EHHHH!* Oh I'm sorry! The real answer was: Who is the Psychic Friends Network? Tom: Home of Jabba the Psychic. >"No, you're the only one living, so you're the only one who can bring us back to life >and help us start over." Crow (Nephlite): How's THAT for a plot contrivance? >"Oh, that makes sence, Gin-Rei (Jedite): In a wrong sort of way I guess. >finally. Alright, then, here gose nothing," Jedite said jumping off the balcony Tom: *SNAP!* (Jedite) Ow! My legs! Nuku-Nuku: Owchie. >and lighting in a tree ten stories below his room. Joel (TV Reporter): Jedite was arrested early this morning for lighting vegetation in the area around the Moon Castle. He is expected to serve a twenty year term without parole. >He then jumped and landed perfectly on the ground, feet first another ten stories > down. Nuku-Nuku (Nephlite): Ohhhhh, I'm not cleaning him up for sure! Tom: Uhhh, remember Nuku, most anime characters are infamous for breaking all known laws of physics. Nuku-Nuku: Well, I AM an android. Tom: True. >"There he is, come to me, Jedite, you don't belong here," Beryl said. Gin-Rei (Beryl): We're putting you into home schooling until your grades get back up. >"You're wrong, Beryl, I belong here, I'm not rejoining you, and I'm not going back >to the Negaverse Moon. Crow: This coming from the guy who really hates being in the Moon castle. Joel: Well the room rental rates are much lower than they are on the Negaverse Moon. >I'm staying here and there's nothing you can do about it!" Jedite said. Tom (Jedite, nonchalant): So nyeah. >"Brave words for such a small frie," Zoycite said. Gin-Rei (Zoycite): If not overly cliched. >"Isn't this scene a little over dramatized?" Nuku-Nuku: More like under-dramatized. >"Oh, just shut up and act," Malachite said. Joel (Malachite): The fic's almost over and we'll be able to collect our pay. Tom: Man, they haven't been able to find much work after the series ended. >"Remember how easily I cought you before? You were the weekest one out there, >that's how I caught your stupid brother, Crow (Beryl): By distracting him with my poor spelling and grammar! Bwa ha ha ha! >he gave in when he saw that we had you," Beryl laughed. Gin-Rei: She's as supportive as Ataru's mother. >"Nephlite's NOT stupid, I'm tired of having to clearafy that," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): He's intelligence challenged! Do I have to spell it out? >"If your brother wasn't stupid, then how come he's dead? Tom (Jedite): Well, trying to fly by jumping off a building does seem to lack logic. >He betraied us and he was killed, don't think we won't do the same to you," Zoycite said. >"You wouldn't dare," Jedite said. Joel (Malachite): I'd double dare. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Then I'll triple dare! Joel (Malachite): I'll quadruple dare! Gin-Rei (Jedite): I'll infinity dare! Nuku-Nuku: Guys. . . >"Oh, wouldn't we?" Malachite asked. Tom (Malachite): Well? Wouldn't we? Guys? Where'd you go? >"SHUTUP MALACHITE," Beryl and Zoycite said. Nuku-Nuku: Aye! Beryl and Zoycite need to lay off the coffee. >"Get him, Zoycite," Beryl ordered. Crow (Beryl): Push him down! Pull down his pants! Drag him around the track! >"My pleasure, your majesty," Zoycite said. Gin-Rei: Yesssss madame. >"ZOY!!! Joel! ZA! Everyone else: Oy? Crow (Jedite as a nerd): Gah! You made me do a burpie! >Drat, he dodged." Tom (Snidely Whiplash): Curses! Foiled again! >"Then chase after him, we haven't got all night, you know," Beryl said. Nuku-Nuku (Beryl): Considering it is six in the morning. Geez, hurry up! >"Got it," Zoycite said. She began to chase the poor boy all over the court yard Gin-Rei: They're fighting in a duel of full-contact badminton? >until she cornered him. "Aww, the poor thing's scared to death. Joel (Zoycite, babyish): Are you gonna' tell your momwy on me? Huh!? Huh!? Tom (Jadeite): No, I'll tell Rini! Joel (Zoycite): Run Away!!!!!! >Don't worry, I'll make it as quick as possible." Crow (Zoycite): The whole American Kitsune series. Implanted into his memory in five seconds. Tom: Geez Crow, don't get THAT dark. >"Use the visions, Jedite," Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): What about the Force? Joel (Nephlite): Sorry, it's on back order. I can call you back when we have it in stock. >Nephlite's voice rang out. Gin-Rei: *RIIING!* Phone call for a Mr. Jedite! >Jedite nodded and pounced upon Zoycite's spirit. Crow (John Madden): And he tackles her at the five yard line! >He clasped his hands around her head Tom: I'mmmmmm crushing your head! >and let the visions flow into her head. Nuku-Nuku: *Makes gushing water sounds* Gin-Rei: Uhhh, how much longer is this chapter? Joel: There's a little latrine in the back of the theatre. I figured it could be useful when stuff like this happens. Gin-Rei: Thanks. (She runs to the small bathroom and enters it, locking the door) Nuku-Nuku: Oh, and Crow? I have the right to do to you whatever Gin-Rei might whenever you say hentai jokes. Crow: D'oh! >Zoycite let out a scream of pain Nuku-Nuku (Zoycite): Riiiiiiiicola! >and struggled for a while, Joel (Zoycite): Must... resist... images of... nude... Rini... Ugh... >but she soon tired and gave in to the force of the visions, Tom: And the sugary, frosty taste. >struggling only gave her more pain than allowing it to happen. Crow: Well, spandex can do that to you. >Soon, they both tired out and Zoycite remembered everything about the past. Nuku-Nuku (Zoycite): Let's see... The War of 1812, The Edict of Nantes, Theodore Roosevelt... Yup! All there! >Jedite let go of Zoycite's head and fell panting for air. Tom (Zoycite): *Gasp!* Geez! I knew I made a mistake by taking you to Taco Bell! Joel: Not that again. >When he looked up, there sat a living, breathing, twelve year old flesh colored Zoycite. Joel: As opposed to the twelve year old muaveish-green colored Zoycite. >"Zoyce?" Jedite said. Crow: Did you pick up the Rolls Royce? (Gin-Rei comes back from the bathroom.) Nuku-Nuku: Feel better? Gin-Rei: Yeah. Did you hold up the fort? Nuku-Nuku: Sure did! (Nuku-Nuku winks at a frowning (Can robots frown?) Crow) >"Hiah, Squeaker," Zoycite said gasping for air. Gin-Rei (Zoycite): Please don't sneeze agai... Tom (Squeaker): CHOOOOOOOOOO! Gin-Rei (Zoycite): ...aaaaaaaaaaaaan! >"Could you tell me what just happened there?" Joel (Jedite): Well, you know, stuff. That's all that really happened. >"Nope. Geese, Crow: Geese? Where? >it's good to have you back, I think," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku: Wow, she's as clueless as Bruce Willis. >"It's good to be back, Squeaker," Zoycite said. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Geez! Why do you keep calling me that Zoycite? Crow: She probably calls him that because of what his farts sound like. Nuku-Nuku: Crow! Yeech! >"Now, all we've got to do is get Malachite back." Tom (Jedite): You'll lead him with the carrot on a stick, and I'll trap him. Got it? >"I've got an idea, but first, Crow (British boy): I'll sing, a song. . . (Sappy music starts up.) Joel: (British) No! No! (Music stops suddenly.) Stop that! We won't have any singing here! >is it true, did you really kill Nephlite?" Gin-Rei (Zoycite): Well HE was the one who ran in front of my car! Not me! >"'Fraid so. Nuku-Nuku (Zoycite): Don't worry. We'll get you a new Nephlite from the store! Tom: I hope the new one is housebroken. >Oh, Jedite, I'm sorr, but I didn't know what I was doing when it happened," Zoycite said. Joel (Zoycite): Well, besides killing him and all. >"Yeah, well, I forgive you, I think," Jedite said. Crow: The Bruce Willis lunkhead syndrome must be an airborne virus. >"Well, gee, thanks a lot," Zoycite said. Gin-Rei (Zoycite): Heh, heh. It was nothing, you know. The chance for killing Nephlite came and I grabbed it by the horns. >"Hey, I'm just sticking with the script," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Well, I wish I could rewrite that part with the Chibis pushing me around, but. . . Crow: And there goes the fourth wall. >"I get the feeling that Laura dosen't like me," Zoycite said. Tom (Zoycite): She calls me names, and she also thinks self-inserted authors are superior to the original characters. >'Nah, what gave you that idea? Joel (Zoycite): Well the tacks on my chair were the first sign. >Look, Zoycite, I'm putting this stuff in there for a laugh, All: We're not laughing! >I might as well keep what verry few readers I do have left amused. Nuku-Nuku: Well you're doing quite a good job of failing to get us amused. I'll give you that. >Just go along with it, it's not that I don't like you, Gin-Rei (Laura): It's that I despise you. Feel better? >but that dosen't mean other people don't. Crow (Laura): Like, uhhhhh. Hey! Raise your hands, guys! >Some are still upset over the fact that you're still trying to figure out what... >Never mind, just get back to the story.' Tom (Laura): I'm not paying you guys minumum wage for nothing! Away, knaves! >"Right," Zoycite and Jedite said sort of soluting. Joel: With their middle fingers fully extended. >"So, what's your plan?" Zoycite asked. Tom (Brain): The same plan I have every night, Zoycite. Try to take over the world! >"What's taking Zoycite so long?" Beryl asked. Nuku-Nuku: Well you did send him to the DMV. Don't expect him back until March of next year. >"You know, I was woundering the same thing," Malachite said. Gin-Rei (Malachite): How they manage to get peanut butter into the pretzel shells still amazes me. >"Shut up, Malachite. Crow: Great, now Beryl is Beavis. >I'm still upset with you for five months ago when you let that little brat slip > through your fingers," Beryl said. Joel (Beryl): That Chibi-Usa keeps stealing the damn pies I keep baking! >"Sorry!" Malachite said sort of agitated. "It wasn't my fault. Tom (Malachite): She did have a Noisy Cricket gun on her! Nuku-Nuku: Shameless Movie Plug # 1. >I didn't get a copy of the script before she started writing this silly fanfic. Tom: Ladies and gentlemen. The lowest form of self-insertion displayed in its fullest! Gin-Rei: Amazing. Just amazing. >I was doing what I was told to do." Crow: Geez, they're AD-LIBBING the damn thing! Joel (Malachite): If only I hadn't gotten a D in English, I wouldn't have this trouble with this idea called 'reading'. >"Zoycite didn't share her's with you?" Gin-Rei: Yeah. She can be really greedy. She'd never share her Froot by the Foot in Elementary school. >"No, as a matter of fact, I think she only looked at her's once and then lost it." Nuku-Nuku: On purpose I bet. >"Sounds just like her." Joel: And we applaud her for that! >'Uh, exscuse me, can we get back to the story? Crow (Beryl): Aww screw this! Lets just dump this fanfic and run down to Ben and Jerry's. Tom (Malachite): I'm buying. >None of that was in the script.' Gin-Rei: What script? >"Neighter was you butting in," Beryl said. Nuku-Nuku (Laura): Hey! I can butt in and totally screw up my own fanfic if I want to! I'm the author! >'Well, I wouldn't have to keep butting in if my charicters didn't keep SCREWING UP >THE ACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crow (Malachite): Two words: Joel: Crow, no. Crow: That wasn't what I had in mind. >NOW, can we please get back to the matter at hand? All: NO! JUST FORGET IT! >This is the fourth or fith time I've had to save this story to a disk because >of it getting erased Joel: Magic Voice, was that your doing? Magic Voice: Joel, do you think I'd stoop that low? Joel: For us, yeah. Magic Voice: Well, you're right. >and I want to finish it so I can get on to the rest of the series and give Melissa >a chance to write one, OK?' Crow: Not if I can help it! Heh heh! Gin-Rei: You know what, Crow? Maybe you aren't as bad as I thought. Crow: Really? So can I make hentai jokes with wild abandon? Gin-Rin: In your dreams buddy. ;) Crow: Aww geez. The thanks I get these days. >"Yeah, sorry," Beryl said. >"Terribly sorry," Malachite said. Tom (British): Pish posh, and all that rot! >'Thank you.' Nuku-Nuku: I don't think so. >"Don't mention it," Beryl and Malachite said. Joel and Gin-Rei (Malachite and Beryl): Help us. . . >"Zoycite shouldn't be taken so long. Crow (Malachite): Well I told her not to eat that meat raw! Tapeworm can be really nasty. >Malachite, go find her and bring both her and that BRAT to me. >If you have to, kill the little brat," Beryl said. Tom: Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. Geez, is that ALL villians can think of doing to solve problems? Nuku-Nuku: Well, Beryl is feeling frustrated, being in this fanfic and all. >"Yes, your magesty," Malachite said. As soon as he was out of Beryl's sight, Gin-Rei: He proceeded to pull down his pants and expose his backside towards her direction. Joel: Man, they must have gone through a ton of Prozac after this fanfic. >Zoycite and Jedite jumped at him, forcing the visions into his head. Crow (Malachite): Gahhh! Not the face! Not the face! >Malachite gasped in pain and horror from the visions. Nuku-Nuku (Malachite): Gyahhhh! All the Adam Sandler movies I saw! Coming back into my memory! Noooooo! >Almost a half hour later, the three of them tired out and they all fell. ALL: Man we're baked! >Just as quickly as it happened with Zoycite, Malachite turned into a living, breathing >twelve year old hunk of flesh. Joel: Ewwww! He got turned into a dried out, lumpy piece of silly putty! >He gasped for air and glanced over at the other two fallen ex-generals. "Hi, guys." Tom (Malachite): Will you please give me my breath back!? It's not funny! >"Don't you 'Hi, guys' us, MISTER, you nearly killed us!" Zoycite gasped. Nuku-Nuku (Malachite): Well the author made me do it! Gin-Rei (Laura): Uh, oh! >"Why were you so stubbern?" Crow (Malachite): Well Akane was a big influence on my lifestyle. Gin-Rei: She'd kick your ass if she heard you say that, Crow. Crow: Well would you say it too? Gin-Rei: Good point. Faint Voice: Bakaaaaaa! Joel: What the. . . >"Hey, it wasn't a intentional," Malachite protested. Joel (Malachite): It isn't my fault the script sucks! >"He was stubberne? You nearly killed me, Zoycite, so don't jump on him for being >stubberne," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku: Now they're talking like southern U.S. people. Tom (Southern accent): Pa', I'm gonna' smash the laundry now. >"That's it, little one, take up for me," Malachite said. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Let's see. . . Malachite wants a number two meal with a Mountain Dew, Zoycite wants a cheeseburger with criss-cut fries and a milkshake. . . >"Guys, we're getting off the story again, and if we stay off it too long, Crow (Zoycite): They'll cancel the rest of the fic. Tom (Malachite): I vote we stay off the story. Joel: Dream on, guys. >Laura's going to turn on us and she'll be harder to get along with than Beryl," >Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku (Laura): Hey! Stick to script or else I'll write you all in a lemon! Everyone Else (The Negaverse characters): WE'LL BE GOOD! >"Nephlite, it seems like you and I are the only ones who even bothered to look at >the script, Gin-Rei (Zoycite): What were we drinking to get us to do that? >GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE," Zoycite said. Joel (Nephlite): Okay! *THUD!* Tom: Man, Nephlite needs to lay off the Butterfingers. >"Hold your horses, I'm comming," Nephlite said as he materialized in frount of the group. Crow (Nephlite): Thanks for the lift, Scotty! Tom (Scotty): Nae problem! *Hic!* >"Neph," Jedite smiled. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): You took advantage of the plot contrivance, you nut. >"Hiah, Little Bit. I guess you know what you've got to do?" Tom (Jedite): Yeah! Kick some Chibi butt! >"Don't tell me I have to use the visions on you two?" Gin-Rei: Two? Did Scotty accidentally split his genes to clone him while he beamed him down? Drunken Voice: A sw'er! Ev'ryun's a critic! Joel: Hmmm, I need to ask Gypsy to strenghten the shield against disembodied voices. >"Yep, I'm afraid so," Nephlite sighed. "I can't be alive without them." Crow: Wow, he's sure is dependent on his baseball cards. >"I don't think you could stand the pain," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku (Malachite): Pain? Ha! I throw raspberries at pain! I put ice cubes down the shirt of pain! >"Pain? Pain's my middle name. Tom (Malachite): See? Nephlite Pain Ganibach. It says so on my birth certificate! Joel: Ganibach? Tom: Hey, it's all I could come up with. >I can stand it longer than those two can," Nephlite laughed. Crow (Nephlite): So bring on the leather and the whips, little buddy! Joel: Crow. . . >"Alright," Jedite said placing his hands on his older brother's head. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Is this annoying you? I'm touching you, so it should. >Half an hour later, Jedite callapsed. Nuku-Nuku: Wow, normally a person would pass out five minutes into a Costello episode. He's really tough! >But he had suceded in bringing his brother back to life. Joel: He won't be alive for long after he sees his bill. >"Jedite, Little Bit?" Nephlite said in shock. Tom (Skipper): Li'l buddy! >"I don't belive it, you didn't even struggle and it nearly killed him, >if it didn't kill him, Gin-Rei (Malachite): I'm gonna' have to find a better way to do it! >" Malachite said. >"SHUTUP, MALACHITE," Zoycite and Nephlite said. Crow (Malachite): Bite me! >"What'd I say?" Malachite asked. Nuku-Nuku (Malachite): What'd I chew? What'd I spew? >"Come on, Squeaker, squeak up," Zoycite said. Joel (Jedite): Why must you mock me, fiend? >"Oh, my head. Boy, am I glad we don't have to do this every day," Jedite moaned. Tom (Laura): CUT! CUT! CUT! That vision sharing scene didn't look right! Do it again! >"Jed, oh, thank goodness, you're alright. I thought we'd of lost you for good," >Nephlite said rubbing his face up against his little brohter's who he held on to tightly. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Ewwww! Quit doin' that you perv! That's sick! >"Uh, Nephlite, let him breath or you will loose him," Zoycite said. Crow (Jedite): *Choke!* Accccck! Ugh! Nuku-Nuku (Nephlite): Oopsie. Sorry, Jedite. >"So, dose anyone have a plan for getting rid of Queen Witch over there?" Jedite asked. Joel (Baryl, distant): I heard that, Jedite! >"You're right, Zoycite, we are the only ones who read the script," Nephlite said. Tom: Throw her down a plot hole! That'll kill her! Gin-Rei: They'll have plenty of those to use. >"Zoycite right, what a concept! Some one mark the day on the callender," Malachite said. Crow (Malachite): Just not on Wednesday. I've got band practice that day. >"SHUTUP, MAL," the other three ex-generals said. Nuku-Nuku, Joel, and Tom (Three ex-generals): NOBODY LIKES YOU! >"I read the script, just not the entire script. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): But it still doesn't get better from what I saw. >I could never make it past that scene where I brought Zoycite back to life because > SOMEONE keept enterupting me," Jedite said looking right at Nephlite, who > blushed a bright red. Joel (Nephlite): Yup! I'm a real stinker! >"There's a reason for that," Nephlite said. Gin-Rei (Nephlite): Though I don't know why. >Zoycite slanted her eyes in Nephlite's direction. Tom (Zoycite): Just one shot, right in the back of the leg. Joel: Tom, don't give in to the Dark side. >"You never let him get to the end?" Nuku-Nuku: Well, its not like he's gonna' miss much. >"Yeah! I keep him as far away from it as possible, Crow (Nephlite): And I tried to fan it away before it got to my nostrils. Gin-Rei and Joel: Crow. . . >and filled him in on some of the highlights." Gin-Rei (Nephlite): He missed a lot of issues when he went on vacation. >"Yeah, some, I bet you didn't tell him what happens after D..." Zoycite started. Joel: Well what happens after D!? We need the rest of the alphabet man! Tom: Like F, and G, and H. . . >"Shhh... you don't want to spoil the story, Nuku-Nuku: It's already quite rotten in the first place. >and no, I didn't tell him that one. That's the one I tried to keep him away from." Crow (Nephlite): You know. . . The 'birds and the bees' question. >"Neph, you've gone soft," Malachite said. Tom (Malachite): But you still have that lovely pine scent! >"Did anyone ask for your opinion? Joel: How about our opinion? Gin-Rei: That's gonna be brutal. >No, I don't think so, so stay out of this one, ok?" Nephlite said. Tom (Malachite as Rodney Dangerfield): I get no respect! >'Uh, guys, we're burnning time!' Nuku-Nuku (Random ex-general): What do you think we're trying to do? >"Sorry, Laura," the young ex-generals said. Crow (Random ex-general): Well, back to being slaves! >"Any way, the plan's to steel her energy, a fourth of it to each of us," Gin-Rei (Zoycite): Here's some of Beryl's energy for you, and for you, and for. . . Tom (Malachite): ZOYCITE! Jedite got a bigger slice than I did! Joel (Jedite): Did not! Tom (Malachite): Did too! >Zoycite said, trying to keep them on the story before the author got mad again. Nuku-Nuku (Laura): Ah who cares! *Crumpling paper sounds* This fanfic was stupid in the first place! >"Uh, wouldn't that do some damage to me? I mean, it can easily take over me," > Jedite said. Joel (Zoycite): Don't worry kid. We'll post a plaque in the hall where it can gather dust and nobody will pay attention to it in your memory. Tom (Jedite, flatly): Whoop-eeee. >"SHhh... don't give away the plot," Zoycite said. Gin-Rei: Ironically enough, spoilers would be the only thing that could save this fanfic. >The four young ex-generals ran out towards Beryl and formed a circle around her, All (Chanting): Red rover, red rover. Send Beryl on over! >one on each side. They began to sap the energy from her. Crow (Stereotypical Canadian accent): So the maple syrup's good this year, eh'? Tom: Samantha's gonna kick your butt for that, Crow. Crow: Geez! Is nothing free these days? Gin-Rei: Maybe good taste. >She began to throw crystals at them, but missed every time. Nuku-Nuku (Beryl): I knew I shouldn't have taken aiming lessions from the Expendable Villian College of Shooting Things! >Finally, she hit Jedite and knocked him out. Tom: And he flies into the stands! >Nephlite ran to his brother's side and nearly got hit himself. >Breyl started to throw Jedite the killing blow. Joel: By giving him the Royal Negaversian Boot to da' Head. >"ZOY!!" Zoycite yealled. Gin-Rei: Oy Zoy! Why you so coy? >Suddenly, a bright light appered and temperarily blinded Beryl, Crow: Yayyyy! The fanfic got nuked! Now we can get ou. . . >but only long enoug for Nephlite to reach Jedite and get him back on his feet. Crow: Damn! >Jedite jumped right back in with the rest of them, he wasn't going to let this >whitch get the best of him this time. Nuku-Nuku: Which whitch is witch? >He was determined to prove to himself that Diana was wrong about him. Tom (Jedite): I'm gonna' score a B in PE, even if it kills me! >Soon, there was a big exsplosion and Beryl was no more. Gin-Rei: Apparently a dumb sap didn't see the 'Do Not Smoke Within 50 Yards' sign on Beryl's back. Joel: Whoah, that must have been really bad BO she had. >Serena and Darien had seen the entire battle and rushed to the four young ex-generals. Tom (Darien): Huff! Huff! Sorry we're late for the fanfic! Did we miss the battle? D'oh! Damn alarm clock! >"Are you guys alright?" they asked. Crow (Random ex-general): Well, we have third-degree burns all over our bodies from the intense heat of the blast. But overall we're fine. >"Yeah, we're fine," Jedite said as he tried to catch his breath. Joel (Jedite): I was a fool to quit working out at the gym if I can't handle a two minute battle! Ugh! >"Well, maybe not all of us," Nephlite said picking Jedite up. Nuku-Nuku: Or what was left of him. >"Thank goodness you guys are here, maybe now, he won't be such a hard one to get >along with. Gin-Rei (Serena): I'm sure we can get the idea out of our head that we are determined to destroy you guys. >You are staying?" Serena asked. Crow (Jedite): Nahhhh. The Hyatt Regency down the road is more enticing. Tom: Well at least Rini isn't there. >"Unless you'd rather throw us in an orphanage and chance getting us split up again," >Zoycite said. >"Good point. Let us show you to your rooms," Darien said. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Funny, why are you leading us into the basement, Darien? >"Uh, Nephlite, sence Jedite's still not use to the castle and has been feeling a >little insicure, do you think you could share a room with him?" Serena asked. >"There's two beds in his room." Joel: Captain, a lemon scene has be sighted off the port bow of the ship! Gin-Rei: Initiate battle mode! >"Sure, no problem. Oh, but, I am upset about the way the girls have been treating him. Tom (Nephlite): We can't afford spending any more money on underwear after all the Wedgies and Melvins he's gotten. >What are you doing about that?" Nephlite asked. >"Don't worry about that, Darien kept them up until twelve o'clock this morrning, Gin-Rei (Serena): You were also previously wondering about the screams you heard around that time. >giving them a lecture about it, I think they're going to lighten up," Serena said. >"I certainly hope so," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): Darn! I won't be able to kill them now! >Three days later, they all went for a walk in the park. Crow (Zoycite): That Mary Poppins chick owes me a crapload of money! >"Hey, do you guys want some icecream? I've got enough money to buy us all a cone," >Zoycite offered. Tom (Zoycite): Ben and Jerry are holding guns to my back. We'd better do what they say. >"Sure," the boys said. >"What flavors?" Joel: If Serena's there, probably all thirty-one. >"Chocalate," Malachite said. >"Vanila," Nephlite and Jedite said. Gin-Rei (Jedite): Hey! I wanted Phish Food instead! Nuku-Nuku: Shameless Ice Cream Product Plug # 1. >"Alright, but I'm not going to be able carry it all back over here," Zoycite said. Nuku-Nuku (Zoycite): You know what I'm talking about, Serena. >"Nephlite and I will help you," Malachite said. As soon as Jedite was alone, >he snatched from behind and drug off, with a lot of struggling. Crow: Yayyy! The Coalition Against the Mistreatment of Anime Characters in Bad Fanfics (CAMACBAF) has come! Joel: Cool acronym. Crow: Thanks! >"Well, well, fancey running into you. What a couincidence, Tom (Jedite): Uhhhh, can you repeat that? I'm not good at deciphering bad spelling. >my boys and I were just talking about how much we would love to kill you for getting >us into trouble with Jupiter and Venus," a voice said. Gin-Rei: Badly raised children. Gotta' love em'! >Jedite's eyes widened with fear at the sound of the voice. "Armando, I should > have know. What do you want?" Nuku-Nuku (Armando): A better fanfic for us to star in! You promised! >"I think I just told you. We obviously have some very unfinished business with you. Joel (Armando): You didn't finish your review of the fiscal report for last week! >We didn't kill you like we were supose to and we now have the matter of getting >in trouble with Princess Jupiter to get off our backs, Crow (Armando): Coherant grammar and spelling on the other hand. Ehhhhh, still a bit fuzzy. >vengence will be ours," Armando said. Tom: We vill bear you! >"I don't think so. I'm stronger than you are, Gin-Rei (Jedite): Thank goodness for WeightGain 4000! (Cartman) Beefcake! BEEFCAAAKE! >this time. You will have quite a time stopping me. I've got freinds too," Jedite said. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): CIA, MI-5, KGB, IMF, and all the other juicy stuff. >"Listen to him, alright, boys, the brat oviously hasn't relized the trouble he's >getting into. Joel (Armando): He knows that he's pissing the teacher off, talking in class! >We didn't teach him very well last time," Armando laughed. Crow (Jedite): Well Quantum Physics is hard! >"Ignorance is bliss," a voice said. Gin-Rei: But smartness is cooler. >Everyone looked up to see Nephlite sitting in the tree. He jumped and landed Nuku-Nuku (Nephlite): *CRUNCH!* Ow! My back! >in between Jedite and the older boys. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Tom (Random bully): Cause' they'd kick our asses. That's why. >Leave the little kids alone." Joel: Michael Jackson, listening? >"Why don't you mind your own business?" Damian said. Gin-Rei (Damian): We've got accusations against President Clinton to stack up! >"It so happens that he is my own business and I'M Nuku-Nuku: His attorney! Crow: Nephlite: Negaverse D.A. >the only one who gets away with calling him a brat, GOT IT?" Tom (Nephlite): It even says so in the Bill of Rights! Joel (Random bully): But they don't use it anymore! Tom (Nephlite): D'oh! >"Oh, I'm really scared," Armando laughed. Crow (Armando, flatly): Really, I am. I can barely hold my bladder contents in place. >"You wouldn't be so brave if you knew his past," Jedite said. Gin-Rei (Jedite): He could have Abraham Lincoln come over and kick you in the nuts right now! Joel (Lincoln): Someone call for an ass whuppin'? >"Damian, you take care of the little brat, the rest of us will handel this one," Armando said. Nuku-Nuku: Hey! Leave Handel alone! He made some great music! >"Got it," Damian said. >Nephlite put out his hand and bared Damian from Jedite and glared at him. Joel: EWWWW! Jedite is a herm that was secretly pregnant! Crow: The author meant barred, Joel. Joel: Why do I feel as if that last riff was mismatched in some sort of way? >"So help me, if you touch him, I'll kill you," he said. Tom (Armando): Touch! Ha ha! I did it! *WHACK!* Owie. . . >"Listen to him, just slug him and get the kid," Armando laughed. Gin-Rei: They're gonna' feed him slugs? The fiends! >"Out of my way," Damian said, knocking Nephlite down almost imediatly, Nuku-Nuku (Damian): Sorry! I'm late for my dentist appointment! >the other three boys jumped on top of Nephlite and Damian snatched up Jedite and held him >down. Crow (Flat): Uh huh. Yeah. Sure they did. Okay. Fine. Whatever. >"Your freind's about to meet his doom." Tom: Well, not actually his FRIEND. But instead his FREIND. No big loss. >"Let's see, one, two, three, f... Gin-Rei (Zoycite) Damn! What was the one next? I keep forgetting it! >Four against two. Not very good odds, Joel (Zoycite): I'm gonna' lose the bet. >I'll eaven them up a bit. Nuku-Nuku (Zoycite): Hand me my protractor! >She laughed to herself and jumped in the fight, knocking out two of the boys. >"I hate people who pick on people smaller than they are, Crow (Zoycite): And I also hate asparagus! >with out inviting me to the party." Tom (Zoycite): So don't mind if I CRASH it! Gin-Rei: Tom, no. Tom: Sorry. >"Took you long enough, Zoyce," Nephlite said. >"So sue me, Gin-Rei (Nephlite) All right, meet my lawyer, Mark. See you on Tuesday. >I had to catch Mal up on the plot, for criing out loud," Joel (Zoycite): I kinda' feel asleep reading it. >Zoycite said hitting one of the boys next to her. Nuku-Nuku: Indian burn time! >"There, that ought to eaven things out a bit." Crow (Zoycite): I finally got rid of all the remainders! >"Hey, check out the babe," Armando said. Nuku-Nuku and Gin-Rei: We heard that, Crow. Crow: What? >"Babe? Tom (Zoycite): I loved that movie! Nuku-Nuku: Shameless movie plug #1. Joel: Whoah, she sure is keeping track of all the plugs. >These creeps obviously have no idea who they're messing with. Maybe I should > enliten them," Joel (Zoycite): Who wants to hear my oration on the gospel of Mark? >Zoycite punched Armando, and kicked the two boys next to her. Then she turned > to Damian and punched him, knocking him backwards. Gin-Rei (Damian): Whoah! She must be an agnostic preacher. >"Be glad that I'm fighting you and not Princess Jupiter, she'd kill you boys." Nuku-Nuku: Heck, she's the one of the only ones who really does any creative fighting throughout the series. >"Way to go, Zoycite," Jedite said. Crow (Jedite, disgruntled): Thanks for allowing the plot to go on! >"Yeah, you pack quite a wallop, Babe," Tom (Armando): Yep! I'm LIKE getting creamed! >Armando said as one member of his group caught each of the young ex-genreals. Gin-Rei (Armando): Woo hoo! Reel those generals in guys! They're good eatin'! >"Do me a favore, Joel (Zoycite): On the other hand, don't do me a favor. >don't ever call me Babe," Zoycite said throwing Walter into a tree. Nuku-Nuku: Koala. >"Hmph." >"Are these guys bothering you, Zoycite?" Gin-Rei (Zoycite): Yeah, those Jehovah's Witnesses just keep popping up. >"Well, it's high time you showed up, Mal. Missed your cue again," Zoycite said. Tom (Malachite): Hey, lay off on my first year doin' this job! >"Sorry, it's not my fault I didn't get a copy of today's script," Joel (Malachite): Damn copier broke again. Thank God! >Malachite punched Damian and Josef, causing them to lose thier grip on Nephlite, >who was bleeding badly, Nuku-Nuku (Nephlite): Ugh, too many ketchup shots. >and Jedite. Crow: And doc. >"Neph, are you alright?" Jedite asked. >"Yeah, I told you, Pain's my middle name," Nephlite said. Gin-Rei (Nephlite): And Punching Bag is my second one. Did I tell you guys that? >"Kill 'em, Malachite," Zoycite said. It was obvious that Armando was scared of >Malachite because he and his group backed off when Zoycite said this. Joel (Zoycite): Assaulting children is fun! >But, instead of fighting, Malachite just gave them a soul peircing stare that sapped > their energy out of them and weekened them enough to make them uncoincious > for an hour. Tom: Actually you do that by trying to imitate Jim Carrey by talking with your butt. >"Next time anyone messes with you, give them the energy stare. They'll leave you alone >after that," Malachite whispered to Jedite. Nuku-Nuku (Malachite): However I'm not responsible for the deaths or brainwashings that you get in trouble with by using my patented energy stare. Sorry. >"What are you telling him, Mal?" Nephlite asked. Crow (Malachite): Oh, the usual. How to sap someone's life energy by staring at a person. You? Tom (Nephlite): Quit staring at me. >"I was just giving him a word of advice, that's all," Malachite said. Gin-Rei (Malachite): Chicks dig muscle cars painted muave. >"Now, let's go get that icecream." Joel (Zoycite): D'oh! the guy left! The nerve! > CHAPTER 6: THE BIG FIGHT Nuku-Nuku: For the right! To parrrrty! >A couple of weeks and a few nights later, Tom: This fanfic is still going. >a bright light crept in through the Scouts' windows. Crow (light): This is God. I've come to deliver all the oppressed people away from this fanfic. Aren't I nice? >They all shot up in fright and rushed to the windows to find Queen Matalia's spirit >standing there. Gin-Rei (Announcer): The new, 1978 Queen Matalia! >She was upset about Beryl and the young generals not returning and she was tired > of waiting. Joel (Metalia): Hi, I'm the new plot device that the author ordered. When do I start? >"Where is that stupid Beryl and those idiotic general brats of hers? >It shouldn't take that long to find and capture a kid," she hissed. Nuku-Nuku: Someone patch her up, she's leaking air. >"Hold it right there, Matalia! Tom (Zoycite): Gimmie' the money! >What do you thing you're doing here?" Zoycite yealled. Crow (Metalia): I just came to pick up stuff from the dry cleaners! Sheesh, calm down! >She and Malachite had been out walking, sence they had found it hard to sleep, Gin-Rei (Malachite): Geez, how hard is it to find some Valium at this time of night? >and Malachite was still confused about the plot of the story. Joel (Malachite): I could get the meaning of 2001, why not this!? >She found it hard to explaine it to him. Nuku-Nuku (Zoycite) Well, you see Malachite, this type of story is called self-insertion. It is where the author butts in, creates a mediocre plot for the characters, and makes them out of character in some cases. Okay? >"Those kids are gonna get themselves killed!" Raye said. Tom (Raye): I told them not to run with scissors! >The scouts transformed and rushed out to atack Matalia. Gin-Rei (Random Scout): Blitz! >"Hold it, Nega sleeze, you're not welcome in this castle! On behalf of the Moon..." Joel (Matalia): Woo hoo! Open gap! *FWOOOOSH!* (Serena) ACCCK! Nuku-Nuku: It's about time that happened. >"On the behalf of Mercury..." >"On the behalf of Mars..." >"On the behalf of Jupiter..." >"On the behalf of Venus..." "On the behalf of Uranus..." All: *Yawn* (They all fall asleep.) >"On the behalf of Neptune..." >"On the behalf of Pluto..." >"On the behalf of Saturn..." >"And once more, the Moon..." Nuku-Nuku (Waking up): Hmm? Hey! You can only get one in Serena! >"We'll punish you!!!!" the scouts cried. Nuku-Nuku: If they're talking to the author, then I applaud them for doing so. (Everyone else wakes up.) Joel: Hmm? *Snort* Did we miss anything. Nuku-Nuku: Don't worry, Joel. Nothing important. >"I just wish they'd find a better war cry. Gin-Rei: And one that's four weeks, two days, twenty-three hours, fifty-nine minutes, and fifty-five seconds shorter. >She could of killed them by now," Luna said. Tom: Sorry Luna. You can't mess with the power of the cliche. >"Well, at least Darien was smart enough not to throw in his two cents," Aritmis said. Gin-Rei: Yeah, that would add another day and half to the speech. Crow: And ironically, all the Sailor Scouts got D's in Speech 101. >"Go away, you silly Scouts, Joel (Metallia): Trix are for kids! Tom (British): You Silly Scout! >it's not you I'm after!! I came for Beryl and her generals," Matalia hissed. Crow: Man, they really need to patch her up. >"Ex-generals, you mean!!!!" Jedite yealled. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): See my resume? It says Ex-Negaverse general, along with Technician. >"Well, that makes three of the brats, where's your queen?" Joel (Zoycite): Well, we, uh, kinda' killed her. Is there something wrong about that? >"Sailor Moon's our queen now. NOT you. NOT Beryl. Tom (Nephlite): Or Queen Elizabeth II! Gin-Rei (Elizabeth II): Oh I didn't need you blokes in the first place! Ohhh! >So, you might as well leave us alone," Nephlite said. Crow (Nephlite): Hey Matalia. Here's a plot hole. You'll be doing us a big favor by walking into it. and cutting down on the length of this fanfic. >"When did you get back your life?" Matalia said. Gin-Rei (Random Ex-general): About a week ago. I re-subscribed. >"The same night we did, Matalia. You won't find Beryl here," Malachite said. Nuku-Nuku (Malachite): See that burnt crater over there? >"That's where you're wrong, Joel (Matalia): The pilgrims landed in 1621. Sorry, you fail the class. >I see now what happened. She's here but in four different places," Matalia laughed. Tom: Wisconsin, Siberia, Bulgaria, and New Guinea? Wow, that must have been a big explosion they blasted her with. >"How'd she find out so fast?" Malachite asked. Crow (Malachite): Oh wait, is that the script she has sticking out of her pocket? >"She can see into our souls. Gin-Rei: That must be one powerful Viewmaster! >She knows what happened because our souls posses Beryl's evil energy," Zoycite said. Nuku-Nuku: She also logged onto her web site 'http://www.nega-verse.com/beryl.html/'. Tom: Is that real? Nuku-Nuku: I dunno. >"Look, we know what you're after, but you're not getting it!! Joel (Sailor Moon): We're having these Dove bars to ourselves! >We don't let Nega trash mess around with our friends," Sailor Moon said. Tom: Or Nega boots, or nega skirts, or nega toasters, or nega vibrators. Everyone else: TOM!? Tom: Heh heh. >"These brats have no friends," Matalia hissed. Gin-Rei (Matalia): Well, I wish they didn't. *sniff* >"That's for sure," Chibi Moon said to Chibi Saturn. She just nodded her agreement. Nuku-Nuku: *Makes rattling sounds while the chibis nod* >"Hey! We heared that!" Nephlite said. Crow (Nephlite): Hey Chibi! Wanna' play 'Toss the Rini'? >"Silence! I'll be taking those brats with me, now," Matalia said. >"You'll be taking noone off our hands!!" Joel (Jupiter): You still won't be able to take our guys. But we have plenty of noone for you to take. >Super Sailor Jupiter yealed. "JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION!!!!" Gin-Rei Oh helpful attack. She's gonna' grow Oak trees. >That was all it took, the Scouts, the four young ex-generals, and Matalia were in an all >out fight. Nuku-Nuku: Subtitles! Tom: Dubbing! Nuku-Nuku: Kirk! Tom: Picard! Nuku-Nuku: Joel! Tom: Mike! (Joel stares at the two.) Joel: Mike who? Nuku-Nuku and Tom: Nevermind >Before it was over, the ex-generals had taken up most of Matalia's evil energy and they >all took several blows from her. Crow (Matalia) Hah hah. I killed them. I won! >In the end, Chibi Moon and Moon had pulled out the Silver Mellineum Crystal. Gin-Rei: *Crash!* (Chibi Usa) Oopsie. There goes my allowance for the next twenty years! >There was an exsplosion bigger than the one from Beryl. Joel: NOW they nuked the story. Nuku-Nuku: The story just couldn't take the self-insertion. >Moon and Chibi Moon were knocked unconcious for a couple of minnutes Tom: Then their condition was upgraded to critical and were pronounced dead this morning at 9:00. Joel: Don't go dark, Tom. >and the ex-generals were thrown in four different directions and also knocked unconcious. Crow (Random general): Hey look! I can see my house from heeeerreeeee. . . >It turned out that one/seventeenth of Matalia's energy went to everyone who fought. Gin-Rei: The rest was taken by the greedy corporate distributors. >They managed to find Malachite, Zoycite, and Nephlite, but they couldn't find Jedite >anywhere. Nuku-Nuku (Nephlite): Hey guys! I found him! And, ewwwwwww. . . Anybody have a shovel? >When Jedite was able to see where he was, he was in the woods at the edge of Crystal > Tokyo All: *Hum opening theme from Green Acres.* >and no telling how many miles away from the castle. Tom: Unfortunately they use the metric system in Crystal Tokyo. He'll get even more confused. >"Oh, this is great. What next?" he thought. Joel (Jedite): Say, isn't that Tenchi's house over there? >Suddenly, he was surounded by a group of, if you'll pardon the exspresion, >'back country hicks.' "I had to ask," he thought. All: *Imitate g'hucking sounds of laughter* >"Looky 'ere, boys, we've got us a fancy one," the oldest laughed. Crow (Hick): Ya' think the cow will like im'? >He was a thirty year old, long brown haired, green eyed, tall, lanky man. >His hair looked as if it hadn't been washed in three years, nor brushed in four. Tom: Oh great, it's, JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! >"What's y'ur name, boy?" Gin-Rei (Jedite): Well my native name is Jedite. But the hick version would be 'Burford'. >Jedite didn't answer. He was too frightened. Nuku-Nuku (Jedite): This has turned into a Sailor Moon/Dukes of Hazzard crossover. Take me now, Lord. >"He aint gonna answer ya, Paw. Joel (Hick): Wanna' use 'im as loogie turget practice instead? >You'll havta force him to answer you. Crow (Hick): Move 'is maouth 'round. >You know how them rich, fancy folk are, thair all stuck up and won't talk to ya > without a being forced to," a fifteen year old said. Tom (Random hick): Look, cannai' just shewt 'im? Mah drunkiness is wearin' off. >"Now, listen up, boy. We don't want to hurt ya. Gin-Rei (Hick): But canya milk Betty o'er 'ere? >We just want to know y'ur name and w're you're from, so's we can helps ya > get back," Crow (Hick): Oh, and by the way. Damn dose Dukes! >'Paw' said. Still no answer. Nuku-Nuku: Paw! Paw! Jimmy-Bob got caugt in the tracter agin'! >"I know how to get him to talk," the fifteen year old said picking up a rock and > throwing it at Jedite. Joel (Hick boy): Durnit! It werked fer mah sister's TV. >"Ya had best answer 'im." Still, Jedite did not answer. Tom (Jedite): But my teefth are stuck toggeter! >One of the fourteen year old boys threw a brick, and hit Jedite in the head and >knocked him out, again Nuku-Nuku: Ladies and gentlemen, the effects of our proud public education system! >(see, I told you he was the week sensitive type), Gin-Rei: Well a brick could put even tough people into intesive care. >but surprisingly, without busting the child's head open. Crow (Boy hick): Pa'! Gemmie a mop! Quick! >"Oh, good one," the fifteen year old said. Tom (Fifteen year old): Now what are we gonna' tell the cops? Gin-Rei (Fourteen year old): Uh, he ran inta' it? Tom (Fifteen year old): Good enough. >"Well, I meant to throw it past him, just to scare him, Nuku-Nuku (Boy): If I had my glasses on, I coulda' made it. >I didn't know that I was that good a shot!" the fourteen year old said. Joel (Fourteen year old): But I still can't figger out why coach cut me from the baseball team. >When Jedite awoke and the mist in his eyes cleared, it was mornning. >He was in an old jail house in an old jail cell on the bottom floor. Tom: Suddenly Don Knotts walks in. *Crow whistles Andy Griffith Show opening theme.* >"Well, he finally woke up. Now, my little gold mine, what's your name, and where > do you come from?" a voice rang out. Crow (Blackadder): Your name is of no importance and you live in the pipe in the upstairs water closet. >Jedite looked at the cell door and there stood a man, that was at least in his thirties. >When Jedite didn't answer, the man got angry. Gin-Rei (Man): Ya' gots no pork gravy!? Ohhhh! That steams my whiskers! Ohhhh! >"You'd best answer me, if ya'll know what's good for you." Nuku-Nuku (Man): Come on! Eat your blasted Wheaties kid! They're good for you! >Still no answer. The man got mad and struck at the poor boy with a whip. Joel: Oh no! The S&M Police have gotten him! Tom (S&M guy): I'm sorry kid, but you're gonna' enjoy it as much as I will. >"I said you'd best answer me." Tom (Man): Whatisthesquarerootof1,456,875? Gin-Rei (Jedite): Huh? *WHAP!* Ahhhh! >"Now, Reggi, that's no way to treat him. If'n he is from a rich family, Crow (Girl): Besides, they'll have Kenneth Starr on their side. >they won't pay ya'll a cent for him after he's been hurt, they'd go right to the >cops about it, I bet ya'll theare lookin' for him now," Nuku-Nuku: Nah, I have a feeling that the CARING Serena just went out for ice cream and did some shopping. Joel: Meanwhile, rumblings of revolution were starting to stir in the northern part of the kingdom. Tom: Would someone please remind me yet again of why I hate this Crystal Tokyo? >a girl at the age of sixteen said as she came down the stairs. Gin-Rei: You know, sixteen years is the maximum age you have to be in order to qualify for an anime magical girl position. >"The poor little darlin's prabably scared to death and yu'r in here tryin' to force >him to talk. Crow (Reggi): Well, gee, I'm a sadist. Can't I have a say in how things should be done around here? >'At's probably why he's not talkin', d'ja ever think of that?" Tom (Reggi): Ahhhh! That's the part I was forgetting! Thinking! >"Alright, then you get him to talk," Reggi said throwing the whip on the ground >and storming up the stairs past her. Nuku-Nuku (Reggi, grumbling): Lousy pacifists and their silly peaceful hippy peace beads, and marajuana smokin', and tye-dyed Volkswagen vans. . . >The girl smiled as she walked down the stairs and up to the jail cell where Jedite was. Joel (Girl): Remember all those parking tickets from a month ago, Mr. Jedite? That's why Reggi here was 'de-briefing' you. >"I'm sorry. Did Reggi and the others scare ya?" she asked. Gin-Rei (Girl): They do this every Halloween by practicing sadomasochist techniques they learned from each others. >Jedite nodded. "Ya poor thing. Let me see whare they hit ya." Crow (Girl): Lets see. . . Whoah! Looks like you aren't going to have any kids in the future buddy! >She opened the door to the cell and sat by the child. >She looked the mark the whip had left, Tom: Hmmm, looks like an 'R'. Nuku-Nuku: Someone's been watching Zorro a bit too much in the theatres. >it looked bad enough that it would last for a couple of days, Joel: Last time I checked, It's kinda' hard to get scars out miss. >then she looked at his head where the fourteen year old boy had hit him. Nuku-Nuku (Girl): Yup! A gang of crazed stereotypical rednecks. They hang out in the woods around these parts. >There was a bump there, but that was all the damage it had done. Gin-Rei (Girl): Hey! Is this your brain? What if I touch this part? *KICK!* Ow! My shins! >"Oh, that'll hurt for a long time. I'd be surprised if you remember anything about yur >self, Joel (Jedite): Self? >let alone talk after that 'ne." Joel (Jedite): Ni! Ni! Ni! >Jedite liked the girl, she was actually nice to him. Crow: That and the fact that she had a bowl of mints on her desk. >She stayed and talked to him for two hours and he actually began to like her accent Tom (Jedite): Great, now Granny is gonna' be chasing him around. Gin-Rei (Granny): JEEEEEEEEEEED-IIIIIIIIIIIITE! >(speaking of wich, how am I doing with these southern, back wood hick accents?). Tom: Just fine, but you might want to talk to the pissed off Southerners knocking at your door with shotguns, pitchforks, and torches. >As she talked to him, she explained why the grown ups were asking for his name and >where he came from. Nuku-Nuku (Nuku-Nuku): Well, you see. All grown ups are bad, and it is my job to make them look like complete twits and boobs. Crow: Ahhhh! Marissa Picard has spread her 'charm' to other dimensions as well! >They had found many children in this part of the woods, most of wich were lost or > runnaways. Tom (Singing): Whyyy, Oh why, why, why, why, why. . . >Whenever the children were returned, they got a couple of dollars for it. Gin-Rei: Hopefully the value of dollars is what they were back in 1910. >So they figured that if they found someone from a rich family, they could get a >lot for returning him to the family. Nuku-Nuku: Dear Mrs. Serena and Mr. Darien. We have your boy. If you want to see him alive again, leave five million dollars under the Newport bridge at eleven o'clock at night. >But the girls didn't think it would ever happen. Jedite learned that the girl's >name was Abbey Crow: In all her bell-bottomed pants glory! Joel: I don't get that. >and that she was the only one who could keep the group from arguing and fighting, Tom: But when it came to that Ranma and Akane couple, or that Ryoko and Ayeka pair, well. . . >and she was usually the one who found out where the children came from Gin-Rei (Abbey): Village of the Damned? I've been there! Great scenery! >and what thier names were. Nuku-Nuku (Abbey): Your last names are Damien? How sweet. >He also found out that she was the only one who could cook worth a flip and that the >only reason she hoped to get money off of some rich kid's return was because she was >tired of living the way she was. Joel (Abbey): Lousy low-pay job in lousy fanfic for lousy high school service program. . . Nuku-Nuku: Wow, I hope this fanfic ends soon. You guys wanna' break? Crow: Heck yeah. My joints are beginning to rust. Got some WD-40, Joel? Joel: Sure, I'll bring it out. (They all exit the theatre) Duke: Well, six down, two to go! Man, I've never seen self-insertion this bad before. Too much Dukes of Hazzard and Beverly Hillbillies can be a bad influence. Keep moving! Hope you're enjoying this as much as I am, Nightbreak. :) From Nightbreak: Enjoying? Well. . . All we need now is a greedy landowner and a moron sheriff and we'll really have a Dukes of Hazzard crossover. Hmmmm, a moron? Ohhhhh, Captain Taylor. . . . ? And to be honest, I can't consider this "bad" self-insertion. Ohhh, man. Looks like I've been putting up with the FFML too long. Slay me quickly.