This is a test of the Emergency MSTing System (EMS). If ever an unmisted fanfic crosses into the internet, it will automatically be MSTed for your protection and enjoyment. STEVE: Protection? It's just the restriction of ideas! LAURA: Um...those ideas include really bad fanfiction... STEVE: Oh...yeah... We would appreciate it if the MSTing staff would not riff during their own introduction. LAURA: And that polite attitude is going to get you where? Anyway, you should know the deal. Normal folk shot into space, forced to view bad media, thanks to the evil Dr. Forrester, STEVE: Let's not forget TV's Frank... LAURA: Who *could* forget Frank? who is using these "experiments" in order to find the one piece that will break our heroes' spirits. LAURA: Luckily for us, he hasn't shown us any Leonardo DeCaprio movies, yet... STEVE: That *would* allow him to take over the world. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ OUR INTREPID CREW (Now we are in space! Surely you are entertained!)- STEVE (Steven Sulzer): The Main Author of this series. Take Mousse's (Ranma 1/2) Glasses, brown hair that never stays in place, Anthony Michael Hall's (Breakfast Club) geekish form, voice that (depending on mood) can switch between Zelgadis (Slayers) and Loud Kiddington (Histeria), a personality about as unstable as Shinji Ikari's (Evangelion), a taste in music as eclectic as College Radio, a penchant for wearing a green army coat and drinking tea, and you've got Steve... kinda. LAURA (Laura Miceli): Take Lina Inverse's body (Slayers), add hair that's a bit like Kiriya's (El Hazzard), a mildly goth attitude and style of dress, a facination with professional wrestling, Gundam Wing, and the comic works of Jhonen Vasquez ("Johnny the Homicidal Maniac", "Squee"), and that's Laura...kinda. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EMS Systems: Episode 5 Dr. Strangewaff (Or How I Learned to Ignore the Plot and Write Gushy Fics About Asuka) [Part 2], by Chenalos ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Neon Genesis Evangelion, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Anno, Sadamoto & Gainax. 2. MST3k, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Best Brains, Ltd. 3. Dr. Strangewaff (Or How...etc.) is a work owned by the aforementioned Chenalos, whomever they are. This misting is just for kicks. I'm not trying to be mean. If you don't like the fact that I've MSTed you, tell me. It will be removed from the internet ASAHP. (Even though you ASKED for this to be MSTed...AND you liked the first part!) 4. Any mention of random stuff is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights held by other people who may or may not own the aforementioned. 5. It's just MSTs, parodies, and fanfics anyway, lighten up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ LAST TIME ON EMS SYSTEMS... Steve bounded out the door of the Theatre, a goofy look plastered upon his already goofy-looking face. Laura followed close behind, skipping along cutely. As if it were scripted, they stopped at the bottom of the theatre's wheelchair ramp, jumped up and gave each other a mid-air high-five that wouldn't be out of place in a bad late 80s movie. Then they each went back to their respective rooms for some downtime. The camera pans down a long hallway, past Steve's room, from behind which some extremely odd electronic sounds can be heard, to a black door at the end of the hall, which indicated Laura's room. Laura sat on a beanbag chair, humming "Just Like Heaven", by The Cure, contemplating all the anime fanfics she had read recently. A wicked smile spread across her face and she jumped up and began searching through her closet. Twenty minutes later Steve was startled by the sound of his door being thrown open. In bounced Laura with purple hair and high-slit oriental dress. Steve looked up from the mass of audio equipment he was entangled in and stared blankly as shock took over. Laura, smiling, said "Ranma happy to see Shampoo?" Steve's jaw dropped nearly to the floor, and he slapped his forehead. "I've created a monster," he sighed. Laura laughed. "Hey," Steve said, as though something important had just crossed his mind, "You'd better get changed before we have-" On cue, the buzzers and lights started up. "OOOOOOOHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" Door 6: You enter through the door to the bridge, and stop short. With good reason. Looking down, you see nothing but a vertical shaft, straight out of "Empire Strikes Back". Taking a deep breath, you take a few steps back, and jump. Somehow, you make it over the pit. Door 5: It's a dead end. Putting your ear to the wall, you hear air circulating behind it, and fall flat on your face when it moves at your touch. It retracts into the ceiling. Door 4: It's barbed wire. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a blonde guy crashes into it with a motorcycle and is captured by the Nazis. You take advantage of the distraction and slip by. Door 3: It's a storage room, filled with odd parodies of everyday products. You grab a box of "Chocolate-Covered Donuts", some "Cookie Dough Sport", and a "Happy Fun Ball", and continue on. Door 2: It's a garage door with a basketball hoop over it. As you attempt to make a shot, some blonde guy is in front of you, yelling "And I shoulda been gone..." You make the shot and tell him, "Dude, I thought we said, 'no more Journey psych-outs.'" Door 1: The Target door still stands before you. Outside it still says, "not an entrance". Inside it still says, "not an exit". With a scream of rage, you shatter it. Laura enters first and takes a seat near the middle of the theatre. Steve follows close behind, and sits at her right. STEVE: I told you...now you're gonna have to sit through this whole fic in that outfit. LAURA: So? Maybe I LIKE dressing up every now and again... STEVE: Hmpf. Just like a girl... *WHACK* >----------------------------------------------------------------------- > NEON GENESIS > EVANGELION STEVE: IT'S STARTING OVER?!?! LAURA: NOOOOOOOO!!! DR. F: No, it's not...just sit down and SHUT UP! > Yet Another Finale to Skrew You Compltely Over With: LAURA: Umm...I don't know about YOUR preferences, Mr. Author, but I don't enjoy getting screwed by Finales. STEVE: She really prefers me. *WHACK**CRACK**SMACK* STEVE: Owwwww... >---------------------------/ > The Escilator of DOOM! / You waited HOW LONG for that fansub? > /-------------------------------------- LAURA: That KID is back on the ESCALATOR! STEVE: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues... >------------------------------------------------------------------------ STEVE: Is *that* the line Drew Carey keeps asking about? >Unit-01 continued to claw it's way into the sub-base, it ripped away >layer after layer as Shinji maniacally LAURA: ...peeled onions, swearing that it would be the LAST time he ever got put on KP... >searched everywhere inside to find his father. STEVE: He couldn't find him...However, he was able to locate Jimmy Hoffa. >"I'll kill you yet, you sonnova bitch!" He screamed "You destroyed >everything important to me, and now you've taken the girl I love? No >forgiveness, no mercy, today you die FATHER!" LAURA: Aw, come on, Shinji...there's no reason to yell at the priest like that... >------ >Deep within terminal dogma STEVE: LAURA: No, you're not the only one who thinks that's dirty... STEVE: >------ LAURA: I'll pay you $300 and ignore your debt if ya give me Short Line... >"Rei, are you ready yet?" Gendo asked LAURA: You've been in the bathroom all morning, c'mon already! >"Adam...is...not secure." she gasped LAURA: Neither are most males, but that's just a fact we'll have to deal with, okay? STEVE: Thanks so much for raising my self-esteem. >"Very well Rei, take as long as you need, STEVE: I wonder why she'll be taking that long... LAURA: Ecchi. STEVE: Freak. LAURA: Ecchi. STEVE: Freak. LAURA: Ecchi. STEVE: Freak. LAURA: Ecchi. STEVE: But isn't an Ecchi a *type* of freak? LAURA: Um...yeah...Ya freak. STEVE: Freak yourself. DR. F.: MUST WE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY TIME? SHUT UP AND WATCH!!! LAURA: He's really got to switch to decaf... >but bring me to Yui." > >"Yes, Commander." LAURA: Yes, Commander. Anything you say, Commander. I have no free will, Commander... STEVE: Um...Actually, she doesn't. LAURA: Wha? >Gendo began to whistle, while he waited STEVE: Okay. Gendo Ikari, one of the most megalomaniacal characters I've ever seen, LAURA: Steve, don't rant... STEVE: is currently standing inside his base, watching the clone that he made spasm and stuff while he's preparing to move to the next level of human evolution, LAURA: The fic's bad enough without you going off... STEVE: and he's WHISTLING?!?! WHAT KIND OF A FREAK WOULD- *WHACK* STEVE: Ow... >------ >Command bridge >------ STEVE: Heck no! I ain't taking no commands from some two-bit author! >"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" > >"I am sarry, proffesaer, I don't know how to do eet!" LAURA: When'd Scotty get here? >"You built the damn thing, tell me how to de-activate it!" STEVE: NEVER! We can't let those commies survive! >"I cannot, For I deed not _install_ zee moduele!" > >"Can we access the design specs through the Magi?" STEVE: Hold on. Here we are... LAURA: First you take a run at LaFours with a sockful of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humpin' your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold, that's when phase two kicks in: I attack the structure wolvie berserk style, knock out the f---in' pin and bickety-bam the mother f---er is rubble. Hence no game show. STEVE: The hell...? Are you sure these are the right specs? >Aoba typed the keys on his console. LAURA: T...H...E...Space...K... *BAP* LAURA: Ow... >"Damn! LAURA: We're still stuck in this fic! >Negative, the 666 protection program is blocking our access there. It >may be possible that is a part of the few sections which Seele really >put a foot into. STEVE: Seals have feet? Wouldn't that be flippers? >Therefore, opening it would make us vulnerable, so the 666 won't let me >over-ride. We'd need either Commander Ikari's or Dr. Akagis >authorisation." STEVE: Extra supplies of Exposition provided by Ami-chan. LAURA: You like Sailor Mercury? I always figured you'd want to slaughter them all... STEVE: Eh. I'm an anime fanboy. I like it all. Sue me. >"Commander Ikari is in Terminal, he won't be able to assist at all. LAURA: Why? STEVE: He's too busy being a mad genius. LAURA: Oh, so he's currently sending a bunch of people bad movies and fics? STEVE: I said mad *genius*... >We all know that Dr. Akagi is missing, LAURA: Of *course* we do, 'cause we've *all* seen Evangelion... STEVE: Bitter much? LAURA: Just a bit. >this puts us on our own. We'll have to do it ourselves, so I need >suggestions." LAURA: I gotta suggestion; how about you lick me? And then you can take this fanfic and cram it up your... STEVE: LAURA: STEVE: Nobody loves me... >Fiyutsuki looked around, and was met only with blank stares. LAURA: Oh...So *that's* where the drugs went... >There was silence, save the pounding of unit-01 high above. STEVE: SHINJI! FOR THE LAST TIME, TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN! LAURA: YES! It's Unit-01's first album, "Songs to kill Angels by", featuring *twelve* different versions of "Fly Me To The Moon!" >"Is there anything that can be done?" spoke Maya, on the edge of tears > >Strangewaff thought hard, then it came to him. "Dr. WANG!" he screamed, LAURA: He's not here, Doctor Strangewaff! >"I joust remembaered it was doctaer Wang who deed zee final >installmaents. I know zee circut board zat I must access to de-activate >zee module, STEVE: Zee board iz called...zee "two by four"! >but he is zee only one who knows how to access zee board." > >"Aoba, bring up his status file" shouted Fiyutsuki > >Aoba typed the keys "Got it...Dr. Long Wang, from Hong Kong... LAURA: HOW can he type that and keep a straight face? >moved to Japan at the age of 3......lived here until 2011...Moved to >New Zealand...HERE IT IS! I got his number!" LAURA: Oh, my GOD!!! I finally got the quarterback's NUMBER!!! STEVE: You do that too well... >Shinji ripped into every room down the main shaft, tearing asunder >room after room, he had destroyed over half of the base, and rumbled >it down STEVE: Sharks! LAURA: Jets! STEVE: Sharks! LAURA: Jets! STEVE: Sharks! LAURA: Jets! STEVE: Tool! LAURA: NIN! STEVE: Tool! LAURA: NIN! STEVE: To-MA-to! LAURA: To-MAH-to! >close to terminal dogma, but still, daddy was nowhere to be found. >Images of Asuka, kissing her, laying beside her, helping her, even the >moment where he stood over her LAURA: ...could be found on any EVA fanhentai site... STEVE: Stood over...? O-O >in the hospital came to him. Weather true love, or just the 3114 working >in overdrive, Asukas' blood would be avenged by this boy who had such >strong feelings for her and who wouldn't allow himself to forgive. STEVE: And you may ask yourself, "Am I right, or am I wrong?" And you may say to yourself, "My God, what have I done"? LAURA: David Byrne *is* Gendo Ikari... >The bridge crew and Dr. Strangewaff huddled around Hyuga, who was >making the call from a secure satellite linkup. > >It rang once >It rang twice >The third time, nothing could be heard, but a subtitle, LAURA: ...because the postman ALWAYS rings twice... STEVE: How can you *hear* a subtitle? LAURA: Subtitle: zip it. >with the Japanese equivalent of "RRRRRRRRRRing" could be seen. STEVE: Forget the Japanese equivalent, what's the American equivalent of "RRRRRRRRRRing"? LAURA: STEVE: HOW...did you make that noise? LAURA: >On the fourth ring, the line clicked. LAURA: And disconnected. >"...Hello? STEVE: This is America calling, a Mr. Floyd, for a Mrs. Floyd... Hello? >Listen, Dr. Wang, we are in dire STEVE: Straits? I thought Knopfler broke up the band... >need of your assistance. The LUMV-3114 has gone out of control, we need >your help, only you can shut it down. How Doctor Wang? How do we shut >it down?...... Ohhh, hello Mrs. Wang, is your husband in?..." > >The bridge crew smacked their hands to their foreheads. LAURA: The exact response of the author when he finished reading his fic... >"...Ohh, he went to a bar...Rugby world cup?...Oh, Yeah, I forgot... >Sure, All-Blacks all the way..." STEVE: Ahh, so he's a Spike Lee fan... >Fiyutsuki smacked Hyuga on the back of the head, so Hyuga cut back to >business LAURA: ...faked right to industry, and sent the long ball to agriculture... >"Listen, ma'am do you have the number for that bar?...Ok, go get that >book, but please hurry.......You got it? LAURA: What, milk? >Ok...." > >A rumble shook the command center, as the Tree of life ripped a >complex of rooms above them, thundering through the innards of the >base. LAURA: That must be one loud PPV match... >Getting closer with evry passing moment. > >"...Ma'am, please DO YOU HAVE IT!?...I AM BEING PATIENT!.... STEVE: DAMMIT, I NEED MY FIX! >YES, I hate post-its too...ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ALL STICK OUT OF AN >ADDRESS BOOK! NOW DO YOU HAVE IT?!...OK, OK, I got it." he said, >scribbling "thank you ma'am. Have a nice...Life." LAURA: ...whatever's left of it anyway. >Hyuga hung up the phone, and picked it back up again, he quickly dialed >the second number. > >A huge jolt shook the command bridge, [BOTH perform the Star Trek Explosion Lean, in the direct opposite direction of what physics would dictate.] >as the tree of life ripped apart the metal around the main shaft. >It was close, now. STEVE: They could smell it. ...it smelled like liverwurst. >Only about 300 or so vertical yards from the command bridge. > >The phone rang once then someone picked up STEVE: ...and chucked it across the room. >"Hello, Is that the rising sun bar? Yes could You page Doctor Wang >for me, Doctor Long Wang, this is an emergency...Yes Doctor Wang...... >Doctor Long Wang!...LONG WANG!...Hello?....Hello?...DAMMIT!" LAURA: This bit needs no riff. It stands alone. >He threw the phone down on the receiver, then picked it back up again >he punched the redial button. STEVE: Watch in FEAR as Hyuga REDIALS! >"Sunnova bitch, hung up on me..." Another jolt shook dogma, a Giant >Steel "I" beam fell from the concrete roof, and tumbled down into >the expanse in front of the command bridge. LAURA: So, it completely missed them, right? STEVE: Darn. >The phone Rang once more. The second ring, it was picked up. STEVE: ...by the fell riders of Mordor, moving ever closer to their goal of the One Ring... >"GET ME DR. WANG! BOTH: STAT! >THIS IS A DIRE EMERGENCY!... LAURA: My Archie comics are engulfed in flames! >I DON'T CARE, TRUST ME, HE'S THERE!...Who the hell is Bart Simpson?... LAURA: Does that technically count as another crossover? >LOOK, Get me Dr. Wang on the phone....THANK you!" > >Several moments passed. STEVE: LAURA: >"Dr. Wang?...Yes, sir, thank God it's you, My name is Makoto Hyuga, LAURA: You killed my father. STEVE: Prepare to die. >I'm calling from NERV headquarters. Listen, sir, The 3114 on board unit >one has gone out of control...sir...SIR...ARE YOU ALRIGHT?...SAY SOMETHING >DOCTOR!" BOTH: Something doctor. >"What is it?" Maya asked frantically. LAURA: How the hell should I know? I'm just an adjective! >"He's screaming, it sounds like he's in pain, like a heart-attack." STEVE: He's watching Fox again, isn't he? >"Not, now." Fiyutsuki said, sweat beading on his forehead, everyone in >the crew held their breath. LAURA: Sir? The new recruits are dropping like flies, requesting permission to breathe! >"DOCTOR WANG...ARE YOU ALRIGHT?...DON'T DIE, WE NEED YOU DOCTOR WANG... >Hello...Hello?" Hyuga looked up as another rumble struck headquarters, >Shinji was bearing down on them. STEVE: All right, I call no Lewinsky jokes... LAURA: But it's just right there! STEVE: That's what she said. >"Doctor...Please answer...DOCTOR! Are you alright?...Ohh, is That all? >Thank goodness." > >"What is it?" Fiyutsuki gasped BOTH: Bad Fanfic... STEVE: Any more stupid questions? >"New Zealand scored on a try, that puts them up, 36-34." > >"Zey got luckee." Strangewaff grunted > >"Hey, just because they beat you frogs in the semi's..." > >"SHUT UP HYUGA!" Fiyutsuki screamed STEVE: Gah...I wish I could use the theatre for music, not just fics... >Another rumble shook the base, and a crack formed just above the command >center. The tree was coming in from above. > >"Doctor, I only need to know one thing, LAURA: Do you really love me? >How can I de-activate the LUMV-3114...I know it has been a long time sir, >but you must remember, we are all depending on it...Yes...YOU REMEMBER?", >he said in hope, "That's it?...You're su-" STEVE: No, I'm not Sue... LAURA: Is that your...FINAL ANSWER? >Suddenly, the roof above the command center was pieced by a double >helix prong. Immediately afterward, a second pierced through. The >Tree of life was coming down in front of the bridge crew, LAURA: And what an embarassing spectacle it was, too. That whole bit with the Prog Knife, screaming about how it'd kill for its fix...Wow. >as the extensions blasted into the holographic displays. The jagged >tree, like a winter thorn bush suspending a glassy red orb, and an entry >plug among the pointed branches of the tree. The bridge crew looked >up from the positions where they had all fell to the floor. STEVE: Even after so many years at NERV, the training from their days as temps in the Red-Shirt Union was still reflex... >The tree stood motionless for about a second, then the sharp dagger- >prongs, all au masse, poured out next to them. Each prong stopped, only >a yard or two from the group. They seemed yearning to advance again, but >only Shinji was in control of that. STEVE: I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD! BWAHAHAHAHA! LAURA: Jeez, Steve, we have to deal with him enough outside, I don't think we need any more of him... >"Where's my father? He will pay for striking my love." LAURA: I've got Nabiki working on a blackmail package...and at a spectacular price, too! >Even though almost the entire crew was terrified to speak, Hyuga spoke >up immediately. STEVE: I'm going to tell your mother about this! LAURA: Idiot...I'm right *here*... >"He's in Terminal Dogma, near Adam." > >The prongs drew back immediately, and the tree of life charged away >from the command center. The others propped themselves up. LAURA: What others? I thought EVA-01 killed all the others! >"YOU COWARD!" screamed Fiyutsuki STEVE: YOU COMMIE RAT! >"No, sir, let me explain." LAURA: I didn't mean to shoot at your head! STEVE: And that bomb in your grilled cheese sandwich, that was just a practical joke, y'see? >"Explain nothing you traitor..." > >"No, sir, he was going to find him anyway, and besides, I know how to >shut it down." LAURA: Yeah, ya just hit the little button that says 'off'! >Fiyutsuki stopped "You do?" STEVE: You're not a *complete* idiot? >"Doctor Wang told me just in time." > >"Veary well, How do we shut eet down?" > >"It's a simple toggle switch, UC-504 just set UC-504 from 1 to 0." STEVE: Laura, did you read ahead? LAURA: Why would I? >"zat's eet?" > >"Yes doctor, that switch does it." LAURA: The switch can do eet! Eet can do eet ALL NIGHT LONG! STEVE: 'Waterboy' much? >"UC-504, you say?" Fiyutsuki asked with a chuckle > >"Yes, sir." > >Fiyutsuki folded his arms and smiled. LAURA: They haven't figured out I'm wearing women's underwear... >"You don't by any chance, know what the UC stands for, do you, Hyuga?" > >"No, sir what?" STEVE: Universal Century? LAURA: Unexplainable Coincidence? STEVE: No, that's a P.D.: A Plot Device. >"UMBILICAL CABLE, you moron!" he screamed "This switch can only be de- >activated through the umbilical cable. Now, does Unit-01 have an >umbilical cable?" STEVE: You talkin' to me? >"..." STEVE: Well, I'm the only one here... >"HYUGA, DOES-UNIT-ONE-HAVE-AN-UMBILICAL-CABEL?" > >"n...no, sir" LAURA: Are...Are you going to punish me now, sir? >"Correct, STEVE: Now, where's my whip...? LAURA: Oh, please, not the whip... >so now you have just sent Unit one, the lance of longonus, a psychotic >Shinji, and a lust-driving 3114, down to Adam and our commander. >Thank you very, very much, Hyuga, for making the third impact possible >once more..." LAURA: But we just got ISO-9001 certified! >Fiyutsuki clenched his fists tight, STEVE: Unh...*plop* >and then ran his fingers nervously through his hair, trying to regain >composure. He was livid. The world was about to end, and though it >could not be completely blamed on Hyuga, LAURA: ...it mostly could. STEVE: In the same sort of way that Watergate could not be completely blamed on Nixon. >without his big mouth they might have at least stood a chance. Not now, >it seems. Fiyutsuki searched himself to throw some kind of insult or >anger at LAURA: ....Chenalos. Hey! >Makoto. All the earth was about to die, and he only wanted to find a >way to punish the one at fault. He looked deep within, to say something, >then suddenly, it dawned on him. STEVE: He was in a bad fanfic. LAURA: That one's overdone. STEVE: As long as it ain't Overfiend. LAURA: Why? Don't you like tentacles? STEVE: >What was more, it was so simple. The perfect revenge, exacting and sweet. > >"Hyuga..." He spoke LAURA: This is God. You screwed up. Prepare to be smited. >"...You're fired." LAURA: What a ripoff! Like it's so much punishment to fire someone just before the end of all existence... STEVE: So? >'there, that feels better.' LAURA: Finally, I'm out of those leather pants...and into something FRILLY! WHOO! >------ >Terminal Dogma >------ STEVE: Terminal Dogma comin' up! Movin' on to Doctrine Station in twenty! >The Tree of life fell BOTH: TIIIIMMMMBERRRRRR! >through the arch of god. Collapsing into the sea of L.C.L. The wave >rushed over, LAURA: Oh, so it was a fat, obnoxious republican? >and capsized Ritsukos' body, which lay floating in the blood of the angel. The wave washed up, and slid upon the floor, washing in over the knees of Gendo, STEVE: Which, coincidentally, are nowhere near the size of Torgo's. LAURA: tHe MasTeR woUld noT APP-rove of AnGeLS... >and meeting Rei high upon her legs. The tree trudged towards the two >forms standing by the side of Lilith. LAURA: Screw the forms, why not go over to Gendo and Rei? >"FATHER! DON'T TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM ME." LAURA: And I'd go exactly where if I ran? Into the bigass pool of LCL? *sigh* I'd like to believe that my son's not a retard... >"I wouldn't dream of it, Shinji." Gendo answered calmly, masking his >rage that Shinji was interrupting the single most important moment of >his life. STEVE: Figures, I'm finally gonna score with a clone, and the damn kid shows up... >"It's your fault, it's all your fault." Shinji spoke LAURA: You had to let Anno make a movie... STEVE: I'm evil. Bite me, kid. >"What is?" > >"I Wouldn't have minded if it was just me suffering, STEVE: Y'see, that just gives me extra points on the "Are You Really A Goth?" test. >but why Asuka, why did you force her through this hell?" > >"What are you talking about?" LAURA: Wish I knew, too... >"Asuka...My love...She is dead." STEVE: Dead...and therefore, in hell. Are you really that dense, Dad? >Gendo turned his eyes to look at Shinji. The father was still enraged >and he had no use for his son's romances. > >"Don't be sad, Shinji, most bitches die after around 14-15 years." LAURA: ...times seven, that's...That's 98-105 years for all the REAL bitches out there! >Shinji was filled with anger. LAURA: And the author was filled with-- STEVE: Shh! LAURA: It. STEVE: *facepalm* >"What did you just say, you bastard?" STEVE: I said "Shh!" And don't call me a bastard, at least *I* can't get replaced by DJ Croft. LAURA: I wouldn't repeat that if I were him... >"That, never-can-quit bitch of yours, she wouldn't sink in the >Pacific, she wouldn't roast in magma, they couldn't blow her to bits, >they couldn't slice her, they couldn't stop her. It took mind-rape >to finally shut her up." LAURA: AND NOW, SHE'S BACK! ASUKA, PART 2! STEVE: They thought they could shut her up...But now she's going to be doing the shutting around here... >"News flash, LAURA: Anime found to be satanic by Christian Coalition...Film at 11. >you piece of shit, she died in her Eva, protecting YOU!" > >"So, she was finally useful, after all." STEVE: "Useful" in the AD Police sense, anyway... >Shinji clenched his teeth so hard, he could hear them grinding. He >grabbed the plugs handles, and prepared to finish the job. LAURA: I didn't know this was yaoi... STEVE: Well, between Ritsuko and Maya, it's yuri. And have you ever SEEN Kaworu? >"Shinji, I wouldn't do that if I were you..." > >"Why not?" STEVE: Because I'm psychic and could see you preparing the mighty TEETH GRINDING ATTACK! Which, of course, is useless against me. LAURA: Because you'll crash as soon as you reboot, thanks to my installation of Windows 98 on your EVA! >"Shinji, I am one with Adam, and the soul of Lilith, I cannot be stopped." STEVE: I'm invincible! LAURA: You're a looney. >"I guess I'll have to see about that." Shinji replied > >"Very well." > >Gendo turned to face Shinji, and he held up the hand, LAURA: ...just after he cut it off his arm. >which he had grasped Adam. It wasn't there. STEVE: Good call. LAURA: It's a gift. >Not Adam, not his hand, nor his wrist, nor his elbow. His entire Arm was >missing. He looked back down to Rei, the Arm hung off of her like an >elephants trunk, LAURA: So, she's got a guy's *arm* hanging off her nose? >bending down at the joint. The end of the arm was rounded, like the >stump of a limb which people born without limbs have. Gendo had just >enough time to gasp, as Rei's body sucked in Gendo's arm like a >spaghetti noodle. LAURA: I think that line would have worked better with 'ramen noodle'. STEVE: Mmm...ramen... LAURA: Mmm...munchies... >Her own arm, which had fallen off instantly grew back into place. LAURA: Your arm's off! STEVE: No, it's not! LAURA: Then what's that? STEVE: It's just a flesh wound. >"Rei..." LAURA: Call Usagi! No, no, wait- wrong fic. >"I am not your puppet, I will live for Shinji." > >Gendo gasped "Why?" STEVE: ...is the oxygen being sucked out of the room? Forrester, you sick bastard! >Rei turned her eyes to the tree of life, and her eyes brightened, as >she smiled and said, as though he soul spilled it forth; LAURA: STEVE: Eww... >"Because I love him...allot." STEVE: That's our Rei...Always just SO EMOTIONAL!!! ARRGH! LAURA: Wah? I think I *really* missed something here... >(ahhhh, WAFF. StrangeWAFF ^_^) > >Rei floated up to the hanging cross of the enormous Lilith. LAURA: I wonder, what if the Lilith Fair had musicians who were styled more like this one... STEVE: >"But, he loves...Asuka." > >"Then as proof of my love, I will LAURA: ...kill her. >give him what he desires." STEVE: In other words, a comatose chick to whack off over... LAURA: Eww, Steve, have a sense of decorum! STEVE: Anno did it, not me. >"Rei..." Gendo could only half-say any kind of utterance to save himself, >as the Tree of life picked him up from the ground, he faced the core of >the Eva. > >"Father, What do you have to say?" STEVE: I'm sorry I crashed the car...D'ya think I could borrow *your* car? >"Shinji, I brought you here, to fulfil my wish, and my wife, Yuis' >wish. For us to part, and, while she saved the world within the Eva, >I was to prepare her great plan. This was the devotion of OUR family, >and you have rebelled against it. I disown you." LAURA: You have disgraced the family, and now retribution must be taken... >"And I you...do you have anything else to say?" STEVE: You know...I've always loved you... >"I have tasted the dew of heaven, and now I must breathe the fires of >Hell. This is my soul regret." > >"I have a regret as well, Gendo..." LAURA: I've never had sex with an actual *woman* before... >The prongs of the tree of life wrapped inward, puncturing and tearing >Gendo's flesh. His shrill screams LAURA: He screams like a girl... >were silenced as the thorns bore themselves into his lungs. The lifeless, >impaled corpse of Gendo Ikari bled onto the tree of life. STEVE: And now a moment of silence for the one person who made Cancer Man look like a bumbling fool. LAURA: STEVE: Thank you. >"...but no more. This was for you, Soryhu. LAURA: But it's not anymore... >I love y.." BOTH: 'cause it's a crooked letter! >Rei faced Lilith. STEVE: LAURA: Rei did indeed face Lilith, but was there a real winner in this match? >"I'm home." LAURA: Honey, I'm home! > 'Welcome home' STEVE: <50s-ish> Hmn! It answered! Interactive fics must be the wave of the future! >Her body was taken into Lilith. BOTH: Schlorp. >And the body of Lilith Fell onto the tree of life. STEVE: Crunch. LAURA: Gives a whole 'nother meaning to 'stick up one's- STEVE: Uh-huh. > Lilith + Rei + Eva + Lance + Adam + Anti-AT-Field= STEVE: If Lilith is the first woman she'd be 1, Rei is the first child, it's EVA-01 or -(0*1)=0, The Lance is in the moon, the 4th satellite of Sol, Adam is an embryo of the first man, so it would be a -1, and the Anti-AT field last ocurred in the 2nd Impact, and after all that, we get 1+1+0+4-1+2=7. 7 is a reoccuring number in the bible, thereby reinforcing the idea that Evangelion is based on biblical themes, and that- *BAP* LAURA: Things are really screwed up. >"I wish, that I could turn back time, 'cause now the gift is all mine... > >*Scratch* *Scratch* *tweak* "mine" STEVE: FO-CUS! >*scratch* *scratch* "mine" *tweak* LAURA: That's called a tweak scratch... >"MI.." *Scratch* *Scratch* "We'll" *Scratch* *Scratch* *Scratch* STEVE: Laura, did you dump itching powder in Chenalos' underwear? LAURA: >"Mi.." *Scratch* "We'll..." *Scratch* DR. F.: PIECE...OF...CRAP!!!!! FRANK: DR. F.: ARGH! >"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know... > >*Scratch* Know... *Scratch* *Tweak* "Know..." *Scratch* *Tweak* "HEY!" STEVE: Hey you. LAURA: Out there on your own? STEVE: Always doing what you're told. BOTH: Can ya help us?!? >*tweak* LAURA: What the world sounds like to Pete Townshend... >Know...*Scratch* Hey! *Tweak* Hey! *Tweak* Hey! *Scratch* >*Scratch* *Scratch* *de-cellerate* Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey........ BOTH: Wah?! >*Scratch* *Scratch* >HEY! WAIT! I GOT A NEW COMPLAINT! BOTH: YEAH! THIS FIC SUCKS! >FOREVER IN DEBT TO YOUR PRICELESS ADVICE." LAURA: Hey! He agrees with us! >The being made from the combination of all the unholy sin that man had >ever committed rose above the horizon. LAURA: What's Courtney Love doing here? STEVE: Slapping Chenalos with a lawsuit for using "Heart-Shaped Box". >The anti-AT field burst from it's body like a shockwave, killing every >living thing. LAURA: Hey! Mike Rhea's dead! STEVE: Yeah! So's Mike Moore! LAURA: And Gryphon! >Including you. STEVE: Oh. LAURA: Hmn. BOTH: Just kidding! *give v-signs* >The souls of all the earth combined into one, as Lilith ripped her egg >cell from the earth. STEVE: Talk about your mass birth control efforts... >All souls were transferred under direct control of Shinji Ikari. The >3114 had disengaged since his father had been killed, but sadly for the >human race, LAURA: "Purple Rain" was released on DVD. STEVE: All 3 versions of Halo Fifteen are only available as $20 imports. LAURA: The end of Digimon 02 sucked ass. STEVE: Akio's Homoerotic Hotrod hadn't been destroyed yet. >Shinji still felt it's effects. STEVE: The feelings of heightened awareness were no problem, but the hallucinations... >Rei: would you like to become one with me? > >Shinji: no. LAURA: Would you like to jump up my butt? STEVE: No. LAURA: Would you like to jump up my butt? STEVE: No. LAURA: Would you like to jump up my butt? STEVE: No. LAURA: Would you like to jump up my butt? STEVE: No. LAURA: Ladies & Gentlemen, The "Why a Mystery Science Theatre 3000/ Neon Genesis Evangelion Crossover Wouldn't Work" Sketch. Thank You! >Misato: Would you like to become one with me? > >Shinji: no. > >Asuka: Would you like to become one with me? > >Shinji: WOULD I?! STEVE: I dunno. Would you? LAURA: Ladies & Gents...Our Hero. >Shinji, being endowed with the power of God, leapt forth with all of his >fury as he never had dreamed he was capable of. The laws of physics >were completely erased. LAURA: STEVE: LAURA: STEVE: Hey! OW! Uh-oh...Woah! DR. F: BOTH: DR. F: I installed *this* after I read that *some* MSTers begin to get superpowers after a while, and *boy*, did I ever call it! Ha! NOW, try to do something, Anime Geeks! BOTH: >The winged Lilith rose from Earth, and at the point of it's finger, the >sphere was instantly obliterated into an uncountable number of tiny >particles. LAURA: So I guess this is where the "End" comes into EoE. STEVE: Looks that way. We might as well give it the respect it deserves. >The particles instantly dissolved into pure energy, that flowed into >Lilith. She did likewise with the moon, LAURA: So that's what they're calling it these days... >it too shattered like glass and was absorbed by the beast. With each >bit of energy she consumed, Lilith became ever more enormous. STEVE: You know how much that would annoy Frasier? >She pointed at the sun, and the star flowed like a river into her >fingertip. As she continued, whole star systems, nebulae, quasars, in >time all things in the universe flowed into Lilith. LAURA: Do you think I'm putting on weight? >Without the hinderant of physics, the whole process took barely any >time at all, STEVE: And that, people, is the hallmark of science fiction anime. The complete disregard of physics. LAURA: Though it's usally found in the bustline department. STEVE: Yeah. >if earth had existed it would only have seen seven days go by before the >whole universe was consumed. Within Lilith, however, Shinji felt no time >pass, as he was on a higher level of consciousness, LAURA: Read: stoned. >which allowed him to slip time, to this very moment, where his wish >would be fulfilled. > >"Are you going to be alright then?" LAURA: Who said that? STEVE: I dunno. >"Hai, Hai, Atashi wa daijobu. Sionara, casa." LAURA: Who killed the subtitler? >Shinji passed the moment off as though she was only leaving for a walk. STEVE: As opposed to what he's actually doing, which is killing her, the only person that loves him...DAMN YOU CHENALOS! HAVE YOU NO MERCY? WHY DO YOU DO THIS??!?!?! All I wanted was for at least *one* character to make it out okay... LAURA: So much for quiet respect. >He was truly that anxious to see his wish finally fulfilled. LAURA: Soon...he would have...THE TICKETS... STEVE: But...it's The Dead, man! I have to see them! >Rei appeared before him, she held a tiny red glowing orb. > >"Here...This is what you asked for" she said STEVE: Is it? Hmn...what's this button do...*FSHWOOMP* LAURA: It is called a Pokeball. I do not know what it does. >Shinji took the sphere, then extended his hand to Rei's, the palms met. > >"Aregato." STEVE: Arigato, for letting me out of this fic...Whew. >and they gripped each others LAURA: STEVE: LAURA: ...collars, staring for a moment before knocking the crap out of each other. What'd you think I was going to say? Ya pervert... >hands tightly, one last time. > >"I must go now, goodbye." Shinji said thankfully > >Unit-one ripped forth from the body of Lilith, It's fiery wings, paving >the way out of the body. The gigantic wound, which would in this >universe measured the diameter of three Milky way Galaxies STEVE: ...or the diameter of one Rosie O'Donnell... >was ripped even wider, as a form of two bodies came out of it, glowing >with pure light, and embracing each other with all their strength. LAURA: Ow, Shinji, I can't breathe... >Slowly, the pair drifted further and further from the body of Lilith. LAURA: Now don't go too far, kids... >eventually, Lilith was only a spot in the far distance STEVE: See spot. See spot annihilate. Annihilate, spot, annihilate. >when one of the luminescent beings opened it's eyes, and hugged the >other tightly. LAURA: It hugged its eyes? >"At last." > >Shinji brought his hand up to Asukas' hair, and ran his fingers through >it, gently. The girls Eye's opened. > >"Hello, Asuka." > >"Shinji...What am I doing here?" LAURA: Floating, why? >"It's only you, Asuka, only you and I." > >"You and I?" STEVE: Yes, you and I. Are you deaf? LAURA: ...travel to the beat of a different drum. >"You are all that matters to me, Asuka. I love you, and I only want >to be with you." LAURA: Ahh! Fear the unholy power of Hootie! STEVE: Navy Seals! LAURA: Oh, the obscure SNL response, clever... >"What about the others?" > >"They don't matter now Asuka, all I want is you. So everyone else is >gone." STEVE: It was as if a thousand... Aw, hell, I only ever saw it twice the whole way through, and it wasn't even the special edition! You can't expect me to recite it all... >Asuka shut her eyes, and hugged Shinji close, Shinji did likewise, as >he embraced the only thing in the universe that their was to love. LAURA: Lovely Ending...Horrid Grammar... STEVE: Wait for it... >What he did not expect was the sudden pain he felt, as Asuka dug her >nails into his back. STEVE: There. That's the Ms. Langley we all know and...well, tolerate. >"Asuka, owww, stop." Shinji pulled back "that hurt" LAURA: Ow, you're not supposed to bite it! STEVE: ... >Asukas' eyes shown bluer with rage than ever before. Knocking off >humanity was not something she could easily forgive. LAURA: Knocking UP humanity, however... >"You idiot!" LAURA: SHINJI NO BAKA!!! STEVE: You do that so well... >She struck him. > >The force of Asukas' blow sent Shinji spiralling off into the black void. STEVE: 14 years old and she's that good? Why can't I ever get a girl like that? LAURA: Like what? A psychotic bitch? STEVE: Um...Good point. >Asuka too, drifted off into nothingness. LAURA: Nothingness, the darkness known as...SLEEP! >Each one however, gave off light, and unto each one of them, the other >is a star. A beacon of hope for the future. STEVE: Hope. Don't talk to me about hope. >After all, the universe is curved, so someday they will meet again, >(don't know where, don't know when, but...) hopefully by that time, they >will have learned to hold on. LAURA: It's a big world, G, we're bound to run into each other again. Until then, keep your unit on ya. STEVE: Hold your fire, keep it burning bright- Hold the flame 'till the dream ignites... ><-------------The End--------------> BOTH: Thankfully. >Doesn't that ending suck? LAURA: Yes. STEVE: Duh. >Well to tell you the truth I tried to duplicate, as best I could, LAURA: ...but I figured 'the hell with it' and bought a copier. >the feeling you get with EoE. That empty, let down, >betrayal-of-all-that-you-held-dear feeling you are experiencing right >now, THAT'S JUST WHAT EoE FEELS LIKE! STEVE: Actually, I'm forced to disagree. EoE feels rather much like a VHS tape. LAURA: Bad pun. >It doesn't matter how you package it; humor, WAFF, parody, cut out the >inner angst crap, use new footage, anything you try won't work. This >ending just sucks! BOTH: We could have told you that! >You may have noticed the stark difference between this anti-EoE fic >and the Anti-EoE fics of The 10 o'clock assassin. This is simply >because we both STEVE: ...suck in different ways. Yes, we know. LAURA: How can you suck in different ways? STEVE: GACK! >hate it for different reasons. Remember that if there were a prize for >self insertion, Anno would beat any other fanfic writer out there(even >Dantuono). LAURA: They're on Dantooine! >In essence, EoE comes off as a way for Anno to thin out the cast so he >can focus on himself. I don't need Anno venting his depression onto me, >the media is not a therapeutic tool. STEVE: I am forced to disagree again. If he's supposed to keep his depression out of his work, is he supposed to keep all emotion out of it? Is everything supposed to be happy and cheerful and/or devoid of actual emotion? LAURA: Steve...you're not being funny. STEVE: ....erg. Damn. >Anno shoved EoE clear up my ass. STEVE: AHHH! Chenalos is Kefka!!!! AHHH! LAURA: Who's Kefka? STEVE: >O_o; LAURA: Yeah, that's about right. >Moving on to WAFF fiction. Some of this stuff really makes me sick. LAURA: He just can't stand it if anybody's happy in his fics... STEVE: Especially us. >I write allot of WAFF fics, but I always tried to add a twist to it. >I've got one after a kidnapping, one at gunpoint and one involving >three girls and one guy. STEVE: Is he talking WAFF or Lemons? >I like WAFF stuff, as long as the author can identify that EVA requires >a certain tinge of the twisted to really be engaging. Instead, however, >allot of the WAFF stuff is like (to quote "The Dog":) STEVE: Bow-wow Chicka.... LAURA: Theme from Shaft? STEVE: No, that's "Whocka-whacka-Bown-Wown-Bwowown" >--------------------------------------------------------[ >'Don't worry Asuka chan I love you blah blah blah blah' ] >'hold me Shinji blah blah blah' ] >'oh Asuka blah blah blah blah' ] >'oh Shinji blah blah blah blah' ] >--------------------------------------------------------[ LAURA: And now...useless text that I made to prove a point. STEVE: What *is* his point? LAURA: Dunno. >-and so on.............Takahashikespeare, thou art not. LAURA: Shampoo say out damned spot! STEVE: Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...Then I shall finally have my pig-tailed goddess... >Thanks to my crew, you know their names, if you don't, Read "_Fan Fiction_" STEVE: What do you think we're doing right now, dumbass? LAURA: Now, now...let's not get angry at the author... >Thanks to EoE haters as well, E-mail me and say you hate EoE. > >"Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb" STEVE: Is a great movie that had practically nothing to do with this fic. >Directed, Produced and co-written by Stanley Kubrik. (C) Colombia/ >Tri-Star pictures. SO HELP ME, I did not want to do a crossover fic! >I took a few jokes and the title, but this has way more to do with EoE >than it has to do with Strangelove! Shoot, Anno LAURA: Gladly... >gets alot of his stuff from Kubrik anyway. > >*hmmm, Peter Sellers doing both Strangelove, and Inspector Cleusau at >the same time...He, he, he.* LAURA: Chenalos is Oscarlaughing. I don't see how anything but evil can arise from this. >The difference between me and Anno; you can actually write e-mail to me >saying that I stole 45 minutes of your life: STEVE: READY THE E-MAIL CANNONS! >(no E-mail with Anno, and he takes 2 hours) LAURA: In the bathroom? Man...what does he eat? >Chenalos@aol.com BOTH: Should be extremely ashamed of himself! 1...2...3...4...5...6... Steve and Laura exit the theatre, cheering at yet another survival. They figure that they'd get a little downtime before the next fic, but that would have to wait until after they talked to Dr. F. Dr. Clayton Forrester was buried waist-deep in a flood of papers and floppy disks. He searched frantically. "FRANK!" he yelled, "FRANK, WHERE ARE YOU?" Frank, who had been standing behind Dr. F the entire time, tapped him on the shoulder. "Right here, boss." "GAH! Um, where's the button?" "The button?" "Yes, yes, the button that lets me talk to those two guinea pigs up on the Satellite." "Ohhhh..." Frank hit the comm button. Laura and Steve waited on the Satellite as Dr. F appeared on the screen. "Well, Dusty & Pistol Pete, what'd ya think of this last fic?" They smiled smugly, and replied in unison: "Piece of cake!" Dr. F. frowned, "This won't do! I'll get you to break, I swear it! I will crush your souls, and then the world will be mine! Bwahahahaha!" Laura snickered. Dr. F became enraged, sticking his face up against the screen, "That's it! I've had it with you brats! Frank, get me the rest of Ran Wars, now! Steve & Laura gasped. Frank cleared his throat, "Umm...Steve?" Both Steve and Clayton turn to Frank, "WHAT?" they stereo. Frank quickly gives Steve a 'not-you' look, and tells Forrester "Uh, we can't find it, that's why all these fics are out." Dr. F. grabbed Frank by his lapels, saying "Then find something else, you ninnyhammer! Something terrible. The worst of the fanfic sludge." Retreating in fear, Frank held out a single sheet of paper. Clayton snatched it away and quickly scanned its contents. "All right, you dual heads of knuckle," he said, "here's a horrifying piece of Anime-hem called "Last Man Standing." This work of pure crap was written by someone calling themselves SlaveJ15." Laura looks over at Steve. A flicker of recognition crosses her face. "Who did you say wrote it?" she asked grimly. Dr. F. looks confused. "Slave...J...15...Do I have to repeat everything?" Laura begins a fit of cursing and storms off to her room. As she slams the door, Steve breaks out into uncontrollable laughter. Dr. F. and Frank are stunned. "WHAT...was that all about?" Dr. F asked the remaining MSTer. Steve stops laughing long enough to reply, "You don't know who that is, do you? Laura IS SlaveJ15. We're going to read a fic SHE wrote. No wonder she's pissed." Dr. Clayton Forrester read somewhere it was always good to take time to contemplate, and he did it now. "We'll wait a bit to read that. I'll give you 48 hours to prepare." He turns to Frank. "Better give her some time; Joel and the bots I could always handle, but a pissed-off goth chick, no thank you...Push the button, Frank." "What button?" Dr. F sighs. This Mad Science biz could really be annoying. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Next time, on EMS Systems: Episode 6. "Last Man Standing", by SlaveJ15...um, I mean Laura Miceli... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ AUTHOR NOTES: STEVE- Em / / / | Am / / / | B7 / / / | Em / / / (I hate B7...) BUT ANYHOO...Wow. That was really something. Many Thanks to Laura for her quick intervention and delivery of an ending host segment. Many repeated thanks to Chenalos, who in addition to being a nice guy, wrote this fic, which is both extremely MSTable, but still twisted in a good way. And for these things, thanks. If you feel that we insulted you more this time around, well...we did. But it's all in fun. Also, a word of warning. No matter how much you may like Pink Floyd, listening to "The Wall" many times in a row, the whole way through, is severely detrimental to your health. Quick minor plug: My first ever bit of fan-fiction "Embryonic Eclipse" is currently being MSTed by the guys over at Improficroast (sorry, I don't remember the URL). It'll definitely be worth reading. My fanfic writing skills are approximately nil. LAURA- First I'd like to thank Steve, for, you know...writing most of my jokes. STEVE: Come on, that's not true... LAURA- Anyway...I should really thank my English class for being so boring that I had time to write the other fanfic (Last Man Standing). Which means yes, my email address is SlaveJ15@yahoo.com...don't ask. I don't really have many people to thank, um, I'm really glad Steve didn't hit me over the head with a mallet or a spatula or something... Thank You, Farewell, and Goodnight, from both of us here at EMS Systems... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you've read this MST, and even if you have nothing whatsoever to say, mail us at whoneedsthisreality@hotmail.com or slavej15@yahoo.com, just 'cause. Our computer might 'splode or something. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EPISODE GUIDE I- Ran Wars, part 1 [RANMA] [SWARS] [XOVER] II- Ran Wars, part 2 III- Ran Wars, part 3 IV- Dr. Strangewaff, part 1 [EVA] [MOVIE] [XOVER] [DARKish] V- Dr. Strangewaff, part 2 VI- Last Man Standing [SHORT] [MOSQUITON] [D] [XOVER] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "EMS Systems, Episode 5", (C) 2000: EMS Systems. Na-na, na, na...Na-na, na, na-na... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Doesn't that ending suck? BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! HERE'S A BONUS EPISODE THAT ALLOWS STEVE TO FINALLY STOP DOING NON-STANDARD MSTs! This is a test of the Emergency MSTing System (EMS). If ever an unmisted fanfic crosses into the internet, it will automatically be MSTed for your protection and enjoyment.... . . . ...well, aren't you two going to make an annoying comment about now? LAURA: Eh. Didn't feel up to it. Anyway, you should know the deal. Normal folk shot into space, forced to view bad media, thanks to the evil Dr. Forrester, STEVE: Who doesn't take the time to find the real name of the people who write his fics... who is using these "experiments" in order to find the one piece that will break our heroes' spirits. DR. F: One down, two to go, I've never been this close before! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ OUR INTREPID CREW (Now we are in space! Surely you are entertained!)- STEVE (Steven Sulzer): The Main Author of this series. Take Mousse's (Ranma 1/2) Glasses, brown hair that never stays in place, Anthony Michael Hall's (Breakfast Club) geekish form, voice that (depending on mood) can switch between Zelgadis (Slayers) and Loud Kiddington (Histeria), a personality about as unstable as Shinji Ikari's (Evangelion), a taste in music as eclectic as College Radio, a penchant for wearing a green army coat and drinking tea, and you've got Steve... kinda. AKA Echo Albarn. LAURA (Laura Miceli): Take Lina Inverse's body (Slayers), add hair that's a bit like Kiriya's (El Hazzard), a mildly goth attitude and style of dress, a facination with professional wrestling and the comic works of Jhonen Vasquez ("Johnny the Homicidal Maniac", "Squee"), and that's Laura...kinda. AKA SlaveJ15. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EMS Systems: Episode 6 Last Man Standing, by SlaveJ15 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. "Vampire Hunter D", and all stuff associated with it, is property of Hideyuki Kikuchi. 2. "Master of Mosquiton", and all stuff associated with it is property of Satoru Akahori & Hiroshi Negishi. 3. MST3k, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Best Brains, Ltd. 4. Last Man Standing is a work owned by the aforementioned SlaveJ15, or in other words, Laura. You know the routine, Minigoth... 5. Any mention of random stuff is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights held by other people who may or may not own the aforementioned. 6. It's just MSTs, parodies, and fanfics anyway, lighten up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It was just another day on the Satellite of Love, about 3:00 pm, which meant it was about time for its occupants to re-enact some scenes from their favorite films... "And you just have to ask yourself one question:" "Which did you like better- "Empire" or "Jedi"?" "I'm sorry, Dave, but I can't do that." ...all at once. Eventually they tired of this game, and just kinda sat there. We stared at each other for a while, then Laura stood up, seemingly full of purpose. "Well, goddammit!" she said, "How long is it?" "That's a rather personal question..." he quoted. "I meant how long have we been up here!" He thought for a moment. "I'd say about a month." "A MONTH!" Laura yelled, "AND WE STILL HAVEN'T TRIED TO FIND A WAY DOWN FROM THIS STUPID SATELLITE!" "Laura, two things." Steve said, "First, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Second, do you need a hug?" She nodded, and Steve assented. "So, who's going to go?" she asked. "Go where?" "Tsk, to find a way down, you idiot!" Steve stood up. "Why not both of us?" "No, Dr. F'd see that there's no-one here, and he'd get suspicious." Steve pulled out a coin. "Call it." he deadpanned. "Heads." "Heads it is." "I'll go." "Good luck." As soon as she left the room, the Mads Light started blinking. Steve pushed it, calling down the hall, "Laura, get back soon, I can't stall forever." There was no answer. As he pushed it, Dr. F and the ever-abused Frank appeared onscreen. Today, Frank's hair was still smoking from whatever project he was "debugging" for Dr. Forrester. Forrester was actually in a cheery mood today, at least for several milliseconds. "Good day, my bu...." This is where the good mood ended. "WHERE IS THE OTHER SUBJECT??!?!?!" Steve, thinking quickly, put it this way: "She's in the bathroom." "So?" Forrester asked. "I mean she's *doing things* in the *bathroom*!" "Your point?" Frank chimed in. "Okay, knuckleheads, do I have to spell this one out for you? She's...doing...WOMANLY THINGS...in the bathroom." "Firstly, don't ever try to talk like me, you booby. It doesn't work. Secondly, she can die when I suck the air out of the Satellite and you're forced to read her fic! Oh, I love being evil!!!" "Forrester, you bastard, I swear, one day, your reign of terror will END!" "Shut up and read." With that, the lights and sirens cued up once more... "OOOOOOOHHH, WE...I'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" Door 6: It's the door to someone's bedroom. As you put your ear to it, you hear some *very* peculiar noises coming from behind it, and decide to leave the *ahem* occupants alone. You continue down the hall, looking for another door. Door 6: It's open. As you enter, it closes behind you, and the words "YET ANOTHER BURN WARD" are visible. You exit rather quickly. Door 6: It's a garage door. As you lift it up, you try not to wake up the members of the band that are currently sleeping in the midst of their equipment. Tiptoeing through the mass of limbs, amps and instruments, you finally make it through. Door 5: It's a large pile of spaces that are supposed to go between words. You tell yourself to let the fic writers of the world know about this place. Door 4: It's the door to a Country House. Inside, you get some Strange News From Another Star about some Trouble In the Message Center caused by a Charmless Man. But, it's too late, 'cause it's the End Of A Century, and you're Movin' On to the Clover Over Dover for Coffee & TV with the Bugman. He nods and speaks to you of the Essex Dogs and the Advert for Villa Rosie. Bang! It's Sunday Sunday, and there's No Distance Left to Run For Tomorrow. So you'll just have to Wear Me Down, since There's No Other Way. Door 3: There's no door there, and you go through. At least you try, since there is an ultra-clear pane of glass that impedes your progress. (Thump.) You throw your keys at it until it breaks. Door 2: It's a small sign, with an apology from the author about a severe lack of interesting doorage. Door 1: It's the old door 1 from season 5 (specifically, episode 512), and you wonder if that's an omen of some sort. Steve sits near the center of the row of seats. >LAST MAN STANDING >----------------- STEVE: Wasn't that a Bruce Willis flick? >AUTHOR'S WARNING- >================= STEVE: Don't write fics. It'll only make your life hell. >A fic about an impossible animé battle. STEVE: Yeah, and so are most crossover fics. What's your point? >It would never happen but, STEVE: The anime geeks of the world could get dates. >thanks to the miracle of crossover fanfiction, we can see the result of >a match between "Vampire Hunter D" and "Mosquiton". > -SlaveJ15 > >[Shanghai, circa. 192X] STEVE: 192X? When the hell did this become a Megaman fic? > While searching for the mysterious o-part, STEVE: NASA resorts to mercenaries to find the missing o-ring blamed for the Challenger explosion... MAGIC VOICE: Stretching a bit for that one? STEVE: Hush, you. >Inaho, Mosquiton, and his pet demons, Hono and yuki, enter yet another >pyramid of the Star Lords. STEVE: ANOTHER pyramid? God, can't they make any other kind of evil temple? > "Master, can we just go home." Hono complains. > "Absolutly not!" yells Inaho "We're not leaving without my o-part! STEVE: That just sounds really perverse, I just don't know what to say about it. MAGIC VOICE: Why not something like " You know I need my o-part to have an orgas-- STEVE: Okay, I get the point! >It's close." > "And you've been saying that for how long now?" > "Myabe Hono's right, Inaho. We're not even sure it's in this >pyramid." Mosquiton interjected. STEVE: We're sorry, but the o-part is in another pyramid! > Inaho ignored their complaints and kept walking accidently >tripping over a loose stone. As she fell her head hit a booby-trap. STEVE: 'Indiana Jones' this ain't. Hell, it's not even 'The Goonies'. >The room filled with light and the group found them transported to the >ruins of a castle. STEVE: Well, doesn't that just *ruin* your day? MAGIC VOICE: >(end of VampireHunterD, get it?) > >[Earth, distant future] STEVE: ...the only things left alive are the cockroaches. And William Shatner's hairpiece. > Vampire Hunter D had just STEVE: ...gotten run over by A-ko and C-ko *again*. Wait. Wrong D. >killed the vampire, Count Magnus Lee. A flash of light caught his >attention, STEVE: ...which quickly burnt him to a crisp. Damn daylight savings time. >He turned to see Mosquiton. Another vampire he thought. D drew his >sword. > Both vampires are quite formidable. STEVE: Now, who the hell is this talking?!? >Mosquiton, being only 1/4th vampire, is descended from nosferatu, and >D, being only 1/2 vampire, is descended from Dracula. STEVE: Since nosferatu MEANS vampire, doesn't that mean that they're both descended from nosferatu? > Inaho hides behind Mosquiton "Who is that?" > Mosquiton frowns "A challenger, apparently" Mosquiton makes his >move. STEVE: QNxKBP. >"Hono! Yuki! Take care of this!" STEVE: Sure...Send in your flunkies first...Real brave... > They groan but comply reluctantly. They transform. STEVE: What? No overblown, extralong transformation sequence? RIPOFF! >Hono tries first with fire. He lauches a flame attack directly at D. >D quickly rolls out of the way and swipes his sword at Hono who jumps >back. STEVE: Ow, watch what you're jumping into! That hurt! >Yuki jumps into the air, throwing spears of ice down at D. D also takes >to the air, dodging the ice and throws a punch that knocks Yuki to >the ground. > "Yuki!" Hono yells to his companion. STEVE: Tetsuuuuooooooo!!! MAGIC VOICE: Re-used riff #1. STEVE: Hey! > Mosquiton pulls Inaho aside "He too strong for them.. STEVE: He big evil guy. He must be beat with big rocks. >We need to do this, Inaho." STEVE: Now? Right here? Can't you wait 'till we get home? >Inaho nods. STEVE: I am a fanfiction female. I have no free will. MAGIC VOICE: Re-used riff #2. STEVE: Oh, come on! >"Hono, hold him off a little longer!" STEVE: Well, I might as well be perverse for once, no one else is here to hear me. Oh, yes, hold him off longer, Oooooohhh... THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF NEWFOUNDLAND, PA: WE HEARD THAT, YOU SICKO! STEVE: Wha? >Mosquiton pulls Inaho close "Inaho" He sighs . He bites into her flesh >and she gasps. STEVE: Not on the first date! Or, unless you let me bite you too... >He can hear te sounds of battle around him. As he drinks he regains >his full vampiric form. Yuki and Hono are weak and D pulls out his >gemstone. It begins to glow and Hono and Yuki imediately fall to the >ground writhing in agony. "Master!" Yuki yells "Master, help us!" Hono chimes in. STEVE: Please, no more R.E.O. Speedwagon...Please! > D faces Mosquiton. "This fight is between us, vampire." STEVE: Yeah...well, vampire, yourself...Who does he think he is...? > Inaho falls away from Mosquiton "Mosqui?" STEVE: *THUMP* Ow, Mosqui, that hurt! > Mosquiton growls "Now You Die!" He charges at D. D STEVE: YES! Daredevil, the man without fear has just entered the ring! >unsheathes his sword and swings at Mosquiton. Mosquiton jumps into >the air and D does also. STEVE: Well, D, ya might as well do me, Inaho & Mosqui have been goin' at it for a paragraph or so... >Mosquiton swipes at D with his claws, tearing away a bit of D's cape as >he moves away. The two land and stand a few feet away from each other. >They both charge but Mosquiton lands a spinning-heel-kick >into D's chest, STEVE: ...as the camera spins around the combatants in another million-dollar effect. >knocking him off-balance. D thrusts his sword into Mosquiton's stomach. >Mosquiton screams. STEVE: ...like a girl. MAGIC VOICE: Re-used riff #3. STEVE: Oy... >D pulls out his sword for another strike as Mosquiton conjures a scythe >from his shadow. He holds it at the ready as D prepares to strike. D >raises his sword and brings it down STEVE: Nah. I'm not gonna hit him. >but Mosquiton blocks and uses the end of the scythe to push D back. >He swings the scythe and the result is a headless D. STEVE: Headless D, eh? Is that your FINAL ANSWER? MAGIC VOICE: Re-used riff #4. You're not very good at this, are you? STEVE: Oh, hush, you. > Inaho cheers. Hono and Yuki bow before their master. "Woman," STEVE: Um, Mosqui, they just called you a woman. >Mosquiton growls "Now your blood and your soul shall be mine!" He turns >to attack Inaho. She shrieks and breaks off a nearby branch, driving the steak STEVE: Mmm...Steak... D'oh! >into his heart as he runs into her. He turns to Dust. STEVE: Dust...in the Wind...All we are is dust in the wind... > Hono runs toward his dead master STEVE: Undead. > "Master!" > "Mosquiton!" Yuki cries. > Hono groans "Great. The master's dead again." STEVE: PAAAARTYYYYY!!!! > winner: Inaho STEVE: "winner" being given a new definition here... >Apologies >--------- STEVE: We know you're sorry, and if you're not, well... something will have to be done about it, huh? >I'm sure that as far as a fanfic this sucks. STEVE: >The Whole reason for this fic was to prove why I thought this would be >a good fight. Truth is that I am a really big fan of both these anime >and I most likely made other fans hate me. STEVE: I don't know of any fic that's *universally* liked, if that makes you feel any better, L. >At least it was fun. STEVE: And that's really what it's all about. Damn, Laura. This is really deep. STEVE: Please let her be alright. 1...2...3...4...5...6... The Satellite of Love's bridge looked the same as always. The only addition came in the form of a spacesuited figure. Steve walked onto the bridge, before stopping in surprise and saying, "Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?" When the spacesuited figure punched him, he instantly knew what to do. He danced and got real happy. "And I haven't even told you the good news yet," Laura said, taking off the helmet, revealing hair that was still purple. "I found it!" she grinned. "Found what?" "An escape pod! One that'll fit four people!" I looked her dead in the eye. "You're kidding." "No! I already packed it, so let's go!" We ran down to the cargo bay, half elated at our way out, half fearing Dr. F and Frank. Well, maybe not Frank. We stepped into bay 400 and stared forever. "Go to it," I said. The escape pod was already loaded with our small bags and Jayne, who still hadn't woken up. When we were all strapped in, I prayed to all the gods I could count, and fired off our pod. The door opened, and we were suddenly in the inky blackness of space, zooming towards the orb that was our home. I looked over to the right side of the pod, and checked for stowaway aliens. Buuuuut...the planet needed no further introduction, as we three tired high schoolers, tears streaking all three of our faces...THREE???? Laura snapped her head around to look at Jayne, who was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth and crying. Laura smiled a bit then, looking out the window at our home. I merely leaned my head back and sighed. There was nothing left for us to say. fin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Next time: EMS may or may not do another MST but if we do, we're going back to the genre's roots and doing a Joel/Mike & the bots MST, we're puttering over our dib on Doc Thinker's "A Change in the Program"... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two lines in the end seg. are paraphrased from Marc Laidlaw's "400 Boys" AUTHOR NOTES: STEVE- And so it ends. Whee. I've loved this stuff since I read my first MST, and I hope to do it for a long, long time. My only problem is, I can't write as other people's characters, be it in fanfiction or MSTing, I just can't. [Note, added god-knows-how-many months after: Don't take BtS into account when I say that.] So...I have no idea on what to do next. Maybe I'll be like one of those guys who becomes a respected session musician after the breakup of his band, MSTing with other people. I don't know. Thank you ever so much to Laura, you've driven me to heights I never would have believed, simply by being there for me. Somewhat less thanks to Jayne, who didn't really even want to be anywhere near me in the first place. Oh, well. I'm ever so sorry for going on this long, but I'm almost done. Thanks, Mom. Even though you berate me for wasting my life writing my "stupid little stories". Thanks to the Fic/MST authors who have inspired me. I can't name you all, let alone put you in any kind of order. Special thanks to everyone who was at #shoptalk the one night I was on. [*cough* This was written long before I became a shevat regular, yes.] You gave me some things to think about and a good dose of anti-self- loathing medication. Thanks to anybody I missed. You know you're out there. LAURA- First off, I just want to say that if it weren't for Star Wars, none of this would have been possible. I would like to thank Steve for his unending patience, and profusely apologize for subjecting him to "Diamond" :P (S- editorial aside) "Diamond" was a short story she wrote, centering on a 13-or-so-year-old homicidal transvestite. And no, I have not recovered from it since. Thankfully, I was prevented from going into full medical shock by means of reading a MST for the first time ever, as Laura had put them on the same disk. LAURA- As ever, thanks to Jhonen Vasquez. You've helped me make oodles of friends at Hot Topic. Speaking of which, Hiya all my new goth buddies. This was a great run and it's too bad it had to end. I'm thinking of going to Steve's college so we can keep this going. (aside: and so I can better stalk Steve. :D) Steve, you are a creative force to be reckoned with, don't let @*$%!!s piss you off. Bye everyone!!! Until we meet again, oceans of love. P.S.: my email is SlaveJ15@yahoo.com And for the last time- Thank You, Farewell, and Goodnight, from both of us here at EMS Systems... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you've read this MST, and even if you have nothing whatsoever to say, mail us at whoneedsthisreality@hotmail.com (Steve) or slavej15@yahoo.com (Laura), just because. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EPISODE GUIDE I- Ran Wars, part 1 [RANMA] [SWARS] [XOVER] II- Ran Wars, part 2 III- Ran Wars, part 3 IV- Dr. Strangewaff, part 1 [EVA] [MOVIE] [XOVER] [DARKish] V- Dr. Strangewaff, part 2 VI- Last Man Standing [SHORT] [MOSQUITON] [D] [XOVER] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "EMS Systems, Episode 6", (C) 2000-2001: EMS Systems. "EMS Systems MSTing" is a trademark-type thing of Echo Albarn & SlaveJ15. "How can we expect anyone to listen to us if we use the same old voice? We need new noise, new art for the new people!" -Refused, "New Noise" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ JAYNE: Um, Laura? Why is your hair purple? LAURA & STEVE: DEEP 13 "Frank?" "Um, yeah, Steve?" "You know what you're doing." "Heheh. Um, moving zigs?" "No, Frank, moving your hinder up to that satellite! And this time, you're not coming down until you get *all* of those escape pods off of it!" "Awww...do I have to?" "Of course you do. And hit the button on your way out."