Doctor Who and the X-Men *Original by Clyde Meli MiSTing by Tyler Dion * This is my first MSTing, so any advice or critiques would be welcome. Thanks go to Clyde for being a good sport, and Best Brains for thinking up such a great show. But first, a good cast deserves an introduction: Mike Nelson - host of the show, he was a hapless temp shot into space. Crow T. Robot - companion of Mike, he's hopelessly in love with Kim Cattrall. Tom Servo - the intellectual, he enjoys graphic novels and a good Swiss mint. Doctor Clayton Forrester - the mad scientist who's evil experiment of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch/read bad movies/Internet posts this is. TV's Frank - once a Junior Steak Boy at Arby's, Frank is the unappreciated assistant of Doctor Forrester. * * * * * [Season 6 opening (Yes, Season 6)] [1...2...3...4...5...6...*...] [Satellite of Love. Tom, a gumball machine on a Tupperware hoverskirt, and Crow, a gold spidery thingy with a lacrosse wicket for a head, are behind the desk. Mike, the average Joe, is missing.] Crow: Listen up, Servo! "Brady Girls Get Married" was *the* definitive Brady movie! Tom: You've got it all wrong, Crow. "A Very Brady Sequel" was the best, it was the movie that confirmed what everyone knew, that Jan and Greg were lovers. Sheesh! Crow: I suppose you're going to say next that "A Brady Christmas" is the definitive Christmas movie? [In the background, Joel walks by from the left.] Joel: Hey, guys. 'Bots: Hey, Joel. [Joel exits to the right. A few moments later, Mike walks in from the right.] Mike: Guys, who was that? 'Bots: Who was who? [Commercial light flashes] Mike: Never mind, we've got commercial sign. [He taps the button.] [Commercials: Lactaid, Metamucil, Rogaine, Tylenol, Richard Simmons] [SOL.] Mike: Look, just tell me, who *was* that? 'Bots: Who *was* who? [Mads light flashes] Mike: Oh, just, oh, never mind. Benton and Yates are calling. [Deep 13. The whole place is covered in circuit boards and magnetic computer tape. Doctor Forrester is up to his knees in motherboards. He's vigorously poking one particularly large mound with a broom handle. The mound is groaning.] Dr F: [Looks up and sees the SOL crew on the monitor] Ah, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten, how good of you to answer. I'm just doing a little, ah, cleaning. Frank was helping, I wonder where he is now... [The mound Dr F was poking shifts and moans.] Frank: [voice only, muffled] Doctor? Doctor, can I get up now? It hurts and I lost my Beanie Baby... Dr F: No, not yet. [Gives the mound another jab] Just a little longer, then maybe I'll let you play in the atomic pile. [Jabs Frank - oh, er, the *mound*, again]. Frank: [weakly] Yay! [groans] Ohhhh... Dr. F: Well, as I was saying, I'm doing a little clean out. You know, throw away all that useless stuff I don't need anymore. For example, see that pile over there? [He points to a heap of circuit boards in the back] That was the guidance computer we used to get the Satellite into space. [Grins evilly] And, of course, we don't need it anymore, so I'm chucking it! [SOL] Crow: Hey! You said you would let us get down some day! Tom: How're you gonna do that without a guidance computer? Mike: Yeah! Now I've got nothing to live for! [Mike pulls a noose from under the desk and begins to hang it from the ceiling] [Deep 13] Dr F: [startled] Aaah! No, the experiment! Wait, Mike, wait! I was only joking, you know, a joke. Heh...heh. No, it was only a joke. That wasn't the guidance computer. Nooooo, no, no, that was the, ah, squaredance computer, yeah! You must have misheard me. Heh. [SOL. Mike looks down from the chair he's climbed up on to reach the noose] Mike: [suspicious] Really? We can still get down? [Deep 13. Dr. F's visibly sweating.] Dr F: Of course, of course. [Chuckles weakly] Do you think I, of all people, would trap an innocent man on a rackety old satellite millions of miles from home with no way off? How evil do you think I am? Frank: [weak] But, Steve, earlier you said that was the guidance computer, and that before he ever got down he would have to go to He - Dr F: [kicks Frank] *Shut up,* Frank. Frank: [quiet] I'll be good. Dr F: Well, now that's out of the way, Mike, let's go straight to the experiment, shall we? Today's troglodytic treat is entitled "Doctor Who and the X-Men." Let me give a hint as to the horrors ahead: the author, a Clyde Meli, has his own version of just who the X-Traitor is. [Smirks evilly] Bon appe-vomit! [SOL] [Hullabulloo muchly.] All: We've got Fanfic Sign!!!!!!!! [6...5...4...3...2...1...*...] [Mike and Co. enter the theatre] > Doctor Who and the X-Men by Clyde Meli Mike: Gee, look at that, no headers or nothing. The Mads must editing the 'fics now. Tom: Nah, that just means someone actually archived this. All: [collective shudder] > Part 1. Crow: Oh come on! How are we supposed to mock this? Mike: How about 'Look out! Part 1's got a gun!'? Crow: Nah, it just doesn't do it for me. > The Doctor was worried. > Extremely worried. Tom: He hadn't been worried for a good five minutes. He found that worrying. Mike: Huh, a Doctor that's worried. I guess we all know who that is. Crow: Who? Mike: Peter Davison's version. 'Cause he was the most sensitive - 'Bots: Fanboy! Fanboy! Mike: No! It's just that, well, ah... [sighs] forget it. > He was looking for the X-Men and he had found them. The TARDIS > materialised in the centre of the X-Men Mansion Grounds, resulting > in a number of security systems being triggered. Tom: [announcer's voice] Here at the luxurious X-Men Mansion Grounds you will find all your favorite sports: tennis, golf, and, of course, being attacked! > "Doctor, we're being attacked!" screamed Tegan. Crow: [Tegan] There are all these icky potato things crawling around! Help! Mike: You're never going to forget "Frontios" are you, Crow? Crow: Nope. > Beam pulses were being fired at the TARDIS, Crow: Or fire was being beam pulsed at the TARDIS. > the Doctor had barely the time to dematerialise the TARDIS again. It disappeared into > nothing, making some of the on-looking mutants wonder what it really was. Tom: So, this is a remake of "Mawdryn Undead"? > "No need to panic, calm down Tegan" Mike: [monotone] I'm perfectly all right, I'm just speaking in a monotone. > The Doctor had miscalculated the > materialisation point resulting in the TARDIS materialising inside > not outside the Mansion Grounds. Crow: I never realized just how important commas were to a sentence. Mike: Yeah it's like talking continuously in a straight line without pausing for breath I think that's really annoying. [Mike begins to gasp for breath.] > A small distance away from where the TARDIS was, Rogue had been > playing baseball with some of the other X-Men. Tom: Why is it every story seems to involve the X-Men engaging in wholesome activities when in the last issue they totalled at least one large mall? Mike: I think it's the only way the writers know how to begin a story. > "What was that? > Ah think we'd better go inside and see if Cerebro can give us > a clear identification." Crow: Yeah, better make sure that disappearing police box was really a police box. > The Doctor punched some keys on the central Console, and plotted a > path towards a street not too far from the Mansion. Mike: [Picard] Mr. Who, engage. Tom: What happened to the fact the Doctor couldn't steer the thing? Crow: Oh, it's in the closet right next to the HADS and his "Brain of Morbius" lives. > His mind went back to some days ago when he had materialised back on > Earth, with the difference that this Earth was in a nearby dimension. Crow: [sarcastic] Gee, an alternate Earth. What an original idea. > Part 2. All: Electric boogaloo! Tom: Ah, the old ones never die, do they? Crow: It's an oldie, but a goodie, Servo. > A few days ago, The Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa and Adric were travelling in > the TARDIS when suddenly something shook the TARDIS. The floor and the > walls of the rooms of the TARDIS were vibrating. Not just a bit. Crow: Nyssa must still be using that vibrator she built. Mike: Crow! Crow: It's true, Mike! Didn't you ever watch "The Visitation"? What did you think I was talking about? > Tegan had just had one of her recurring nightmares. Tom: It was the one with the vat of chocolate sauce and the Australian sci-fi writer. > She could not understand why she kept Mike: Eating and eating. Her trips to the buffet began to last up to an hour apiece. > having these since she was now free of > the Mara, according to the Doctor. On the Kinda's world, Deva Loka, > she had been possessed by the Mara for its evil purposes. But the > Doctor had found a way to banish the Mara back to where it came > from, using a circle of mirrors. Mike: But what do nightmares have to do with possession? > "Doctor what's happening" Adric couldn't stand and fell down. Tom: Oh-ho! Looks like Adric's been having a little nip from the bottle! Crow: This fic's just a jumble of unassociated paragraphs! > A light blinked. Adric looked at the light. It was labelled 'Chaos Danger > Level'. Crow: Talk about covering every contingency! > "Adric we must be in some kind of extra-dimensional vortex, but with > a difference. Allow me to explain." replied the Doctor. Mike: [Doctor] Allow me to explain the premise of this extrordinarily bad fanfic while we're all in mortal peril. > "Normally the TARDIS travels in the vortex of this universe. However > with some dimensional shift we seem to be in an impossible state. Tom: Your state, should you choose to be in it... [hums 'Mission: Impossible' theme.] > Here and not here. Materialised and Not materialised. Stabilised > and Not stabilised. Phased and Not phased." Mike: Interesting and boring. Tom: Holmes and Moriarty. Crow: Diaz and MacPherson. > "How can that be" Nyssa asked. "Isn't that against the laws of logic?" Tom: The laws of physics cannot apply inside a twisted being's mind. For example, take the mind of this writer. > "Against the conventional ones certainly. But it depends which logic > you apply." counselled the Doctor. Crow: [Troi falsetto] Captain, I'm detecting a high order of blandness. > "We'd better take a look outside > using the viewscreen. We must be in a different dimension from ours. Tom: Isn't that always the way? The ship shakes, and *boom!*, you're in a new dimension! > Quickly, Nyssa, press the Mike: Right button twice and gently tap A and B together. That should get you across the Pit of Daveron. > VORTEX OVERRIDE button which should > stabilise us, and release us from this chaotic position." > "Wait!" said Tegan. "What's this? I've never seen anything like it." Mike: [Doctor] Well, Tegan, it's a button that the writer placed on the console so he could us lead us into an extraordinarily bad story. > "Neither have I, at least in this way. Tom: [Doctor] The hell?! Wait a minute, this isn't even my console! > Nyssa don't press anything, > let's see what happens." said the Doctor. Crow: Yeah, let's just turn off the lights, sit real still, and hope the thing shaking the TARDIS will go away. > A grim figure was visible outside. Tom: Sandman? > A large figure. Mike: Santa? > The figure was involved in some kind of > ritual, magical perhaps. Crow: It's Really Dull Old Guy! Mike: Who? Tom: Other guy movie. Mike: Oh. > The figure was mostly black, seemingly human but > in a mockery of human form. Crow: Must be a Picasso sketch. > Next to the figure was a smaller one, very > much humanoid in aspect, a woman who was encased in an energy cube. Mike: [deep announcer voice] Can you rescue Princess Zelda from the evil Xantar? Coming soon: Final Phantasy Ultima Force XII! > At a > close distance was another humanoid figure, this time one which had a large > snake design visible on his arm. Tom: So much for the idea of an infinite universe being populated by an infinitely varied population. > The occupants of the TARDIS could listen to what was being said. Mike: Which was rather odd, considering that the speakers had been missing since that little stopover in Woodstock. > "Roma, you are going to meet your end! Crow: Front, meet end. End, this is your front. > I, The Adversary have returned, and enslaved you. Tom: Right, uh-uh, gotcha. Crow: Mm-hmm. > Together with the Mara, Tom: With you so far. Crow: Understood. > We will be rulers of all > that was, all that will be, all that is, all that can be and all that > cannot be!" said the large figure. Tom: Whoa! Back up! Crow: Ooookaaay. Mike: Awfully specific there. Could you be a bit more vague? > "Thanks to you, Adversary, I can now enter other dimensions and > realities at ease! Together we will be supreme!" said the humanoid with a > snake design on his arm. Tom: Yes! The burrito supreme is mine forever! > Part 3. All: [singing] Watch out for that tree! > Tegan exclaimed "Oh my God, that's the Mara which possessed me. > Doctor, please don't let it take control of me again." Crow: [Tegan] It might give me a personality or angst or something! > Nyssa said "calm down Tegan, the Doctor will find a way as he always > does." Mike: Funny how most of his solutions rarely work until he kicks the console. > "Doctor, what do we do now?" asked a young Adric. Crow: How many are there? Tom: [Minnewegan] Oh, they come six-packs, donchaknow. All: [shudder] > "I don't know" > replied the Doctor promptly. Crow: And then promptly died. > "You mean you don't have a plan?" Adric was getting worried. Tom: [Doctor] No, I just thought I'd wing it at the last minute. > "I'm thinking, shut up lad, let me think" was the Doctor's reply. Mike: What?! When did this turn into a William Hartnell serial? > "That's it. The woman is trapped in some sort of ice. Crow: Quick, call Brother Cadfael! > A way of saving > her would be to generate a sound wave of a particular frequency which will > break the ice!" the Doctor said after finishing his reflection. > "I will get my Didonian flute. That always breaks the ice!" Tom: It's an important social skill to be able to break the ice. Mike: [Eric Idle] You want to see how big my TARDIS really is? Eh? Nudge, nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more! Crow: Mike! I'm surprised! Mike: [modestly] I've been practicing. > the Doctor went to bring his flute from a container in a store room in the > TARDIS. The Doctor remembered of his first visit to the planet Dido, when > he had met a very peaceful and friendly race. They were so hospitable. Tom: [announcer] When on Dido, be sure to stay at the hospitable Hotel Dido. > They > had given him the flute as a gift when he was going to leave them. Crow and Mike: [Didonians] Woo-hoo! He's outta here! Party! Party! > The Doctor played the flute well. "Did I tell you I once played for > the Roman Emperor Nero?" the Doctor asked his companions. > "Really?" asked Tegan. Mike: [deep voice] No, not really. > The Doctor opened the external speakers of the TARDIS so that the > sound of the flute would reach the external surroundings of the TARDIS. > > The ice started shattering immediately and Roma was free again. > "What?" shouted the Adversary. "Annoying meddlers you have interfered, > you will pay for this with your lives!". Tom: [falsetto] I'll get you meddling kids! And your little Alzarian too! > The Mara was wailing in pain, it > seemed, as a result of the Doctor's playing the flute. Mike: He should've just stuck to the recorder. > The Adversary was > in a similar state, since he was soul-linked to the Mara. Crow: Well, that's a handy little bit of information. > "Quickly now help me" said the Doctor "Open the doors of the TARDIS so > I can tell this woman to enter the TARDIS before we leave." Tegan, Nyssa > and ADRIC opened the doors and the Doctor told the woman to enter the > TARDIS quickly. Mike: No one will be seated during the gripping 'Being-told-to-enter-the- TARDIS' scene! > "You! You who interfered with me in the past. Doctor you > shall die!" shouted the Mara. Tom: And that makes how many bad guys who have said that? Crow: I stopped counting after the Black Guardian showed up. > Roma entered the TARDIS since she was in no condition to continue the > fight. Mike: When was she fighting? She's spent the entire scene on ice. > Meanwhile the Adversary was recovering from the pain, and he exclaimed > "Meddler, you and those accursed X-Men who defeated me in the past, > you shall all die!" Crow: This would be the perfect role for Valentine Dyall, wouldn't it? > Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor questioned the woman. "Young lady, what > is your name and where are you from?" enquired the Doctor. Crow: [deep voice] I'm Batman! Tom: No, that's Bat*girl*. Crow: [normal voice] Oh, right. [falsetto] I'm Batgirl! > "I am known as Roma. Tom: From Noma! > I am the Guardian of the omniverse. You are > obviously from somewhere else, from another reality or dimension." > replied a tired and weak Roma. Mike: Well, she can't be that tired if she can say all that. > "It is important that you find the X-Men. It is vital that they help > you fight the Adversary and the Mara." pleaded Roma. Tom: While the Adversary's falling over laughing at the X-Men, you can bonk him on the head. > "Who are these X-Men? I heard the Adversary mention them." asked the > Doctor. Crow: [Roma] Oh, they're a group of students who've started a free love commune in Tibet with some mop-topped monks. > "They are living legends who gave their lives to save this omniverse > from the Adversary before." replied Roma. "They had banished the Adversary > from this reality forever. But he found a way to return." Mike: If they gave their lives, and they're still alive, then of course he's going to return! These people never think through their storylines. > "Where can we find them?" asked a puzzled Adric. Tom: They're right next to the toliet accessories in Housewares. Crow: Blue light special on X-Men in aisle 9! > "I will give you > their location in Westchester county Tom: And just how many counties are named Westchester? > where you can find them. This battle > is a cosmic game between good and evil, only this time the evil are from > two different realities or dimensions. Order versus Chaos." Crow: Flynt versus the State. Mike: Sonny versus Cher. Tom: Deli versus Dijon. > "You said he found a way to return. How?" queried Nyssa. Tom: [Roma] Oh, just take I-95 northbound until you hit the Swanton Gas 'n' Gulp. > "He was trapped practically in the same place where the Mara was > trapped, in the dark places of existence. Somehow they met Mike: [Roma] At a singles' bar in Seattle. Crow: [falsetto] This is sooooo embarassing! Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead at a singles' bar. > and were able to free each other." Tom: If you love something, let it free. Crow: So why hasn't this fanfic been caged? > "That is bad news. For if the Adversary and the Mara get banished > there again, how can we make sure they don't return again?" asked the > Doctor. Crow: [Red Green] We're gonna use the handyman's secret weapon to seal this dimension: duct tape. > "There is are no guarantees Mike: [Roma] So don't expect your deposit back. > they will never return as we have seen. We > can banish them to separate locations this time to make it more difficult > though." Tom: So...basically what she's saying is that they're going to risk their lives to imprison two villains who are guaranteed to return? Crow: Yeah, pretty much. Tom: Hmm...sounds like a window for a sequel. [beat] All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > "Will you come with us when we meet the X-Men?" asked Tegan. > "No, I am afraid I will have to spend some time recovering. I am in no > shape to fight, I will have to trust you with this. I will go now to my > Starlight Citadel." Roma answered. Tom: I don't believe this! She's convinced them to try to defeat villains who are guaranteed to return, and now she's going to hide under her bed! > After she directed the Doctor by telling > him where to find the X-Men's universe, she promptly disappeared. Tom: And now we're going to promptly disappear. Come on, Nelson. [Mike picks up Tom and the three exit.] [1...2...3...4...5...6...*...] [SOL Bridge. There are three photos on the desk, each of a different middle-aged man. Mike and the bots are each standing behind one.] Mike: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we pay tribute to three of "Doctor Who"'s greatest recurrent supporting actors. I will begin with a brief ode to Philip Madoc. [clears throat. Spotlight centers on Mike and picture.] You tried to rule a galaxy Later you said 'It wasn't me!' You tried to rebuild ol' Morbius You gave him lungs from a guy named Gus One last time you walked the boards And played a water man out of his gourd. Thank you. [Spotlight moves to Crow] Crow: Thank you, very much, Mike. And now my tribute to Pat Gorman. [Crow now speaks in a rapping tone.] You were the man with three eyes In suit o' rubber made by guys After that, you were knocked out By mean ol' Lupton, who had the gout Later still, at planet Zeos You pushed the button, ad nasuseos! [quietly] Thank you. [Spotlight moves on to Tom] Tom: And now, my twenty minute aria in memory of Colin Baker. Mike: Uh, Tom? Colin Baker was a Doctor. Tom: [surprised] Really? What makes you say that? Mike: The fact he was in eight serials which listed him as 'The Doctor.' Tom: [disappointed] Oh. Darn. Crow: Don't worry about it, Tommy. After all... [Buzzers and lights sound] Crow: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!! [All run away midst much hullabaloo] [6...5...4...3...2...1...*...] [They enter the theater] Tom: [muttering] 30 nanoseconds of runtime down the datavore. I don't believe it. Could have been doing something interesting, but *nooooo*, I had to compose a poem to a recurring non-supporting actor... > Part 4. All: [singing] Copyright lawyers at the door. > Mutants. Something other than human, according to some. Most of them > looked just like ordinary people, indeed. A large number of these mutants > had developed various abilities. Abilities which made ordinary humans > fear > them. Violence and anti-mutant hatred was commonplace in this Earth. Mike: Whoa! That's a bit of a subject jump there, fella. Crow: Marvel at the amazing Clyde Meli! He leaps from the obligatory spiel about mutants to the obligatory line about anti-mutant hatred in a single paragraph! Tom: And all while ignoring the rules of singular and plural word forms! > Man against man because of a simple genetic difference. Professor Xavier, > a mutant whose ability was Tom: To shoot Cheez Wiz from his eyes. > telepathy, a number of years ago formed a > team of mutants. His purpose was to realise his utopic dream Mike: [deep voice] Of an Arby's which never closed. > of peaceful > cohabitation between mutant and human. Unfortunately, along the years, > it seems that his dream was not so easy to attain. Diverse factions of > humans and mutants have come and gone. Crow: Careful there, bucky! Shift tenses like that again and you could lose the tranny! > Mutant hysteria and anti-human > terrorist attempts made the headlines and are still the rule rather than > the exception. All: The hell?!?! Crow: He's popped the clutch and gone into the ditch! Mike: The unstable fanfic writer has claimed the life of two more rules of grammar in his rampage across Usenet! > Inside Professor Xavier's Ready Room, Mike: Flynn MacTaggert was suiting up for another demon hunt. Tom: And Captain Picard enjoyed a hot Earl Grey. Crow: [English snob] Ouch! Ooh! Hot! I tell you, it's hot! Stop that, you smelly Frenchman! > the X-Men were gathered ready to > see if the Cerebro computer had any positive identification of the visitor > who had just materialized and dematerialized a few moments ago in their > grounds. Tom: It turned out to be just another poorly plotted crossover, so they all went back to bed. > The Professor was the greatest telepath on the planet. Mike: Next to JoJo of the Psychic Alliance, of course. > He was the founder of Xavier's School for Tom: Plumbing and Refrigerator Repair. > Gifted Youngsters where the X-Men were formed. > The X-Men saved the universe and the world countless times in the > past. They had become living legends. Crow: Do you get the feeling that ol' Clyde just got the Fall of the Mutants issues from Dave's? > Tragedy had not lacked however. Mike: [Shakespearean actor] Alas, alack, oh woe! What tragedy is this that hast befallen the House of Xavier? > When the new X-Men team was formed, Tom: People bitterly complained that they were nothing like the original team, so the company acquiesced and brought them back in classic form. > one of them died on the first mission. Crow: Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease say it was Cyclops. Tom: No go, good buddy. He's talking about the token minority member, Thunderbird. > Tragedy and triumph. This was what the X-Men encountered. When one of > them, Jean Grey (the team telepath) Mike: And the only one independent enough to drop the goofy codename. > was about to die when piloting a shuttle > containing the X-Men, Crow: [longingly] Oh, if only the Satellite were equipped with lasers. > due to solar flares, she was saved by the > Phoenix force entity. The Phoenix had actually taken her place, so the > X-Men did not know she was *not* really Jean Grey until after 'she' died. Tom: Criminy! Is this guy going to run through the entire history of the X- Men? > The real Jean Grey was encased in Crow: Hot syrup. > a cocoon on the far side of the moon > until > she was found years later. Mike: I thought she was in the New York Harbor. 'Bots: Fanboy! Fanboy! Mike: Knock it off! Don't make me get the E-Z 'Bot Repair Manual! 'Bots: [quietly] We'll be good. > To make things more confusing Jean Grey is now > using the codename Phoenix even though she does not have the Phoenix > abilities at all. Tom: Well, it makes about as much sense as some of the other codenames these people have. Crow: Like who? Tom: Cable, Domino, Bishop, Red Commando, Revanche, Karma... Crow: Enough, enough! You've made your point. > The X-Men were people in a world that hated them. That hated mutants > for no other reason than their existence. Mike: Well, that and the fact mutants kept blowing up all their stuff. > "There is a 99% probability that the visitor's craft is a Police Call > Box, 1963 version, currently obsolete." Cerebro said. Tom: [Cerebro] And there's a 1% chance the water supply's been spiked. > "What?" said Scott Summers, codenamed Cyclops. Tom: [pissy Cerebro] I said a Police. Call. Box. Crow: [Holly] You are a smeghead, aren't you, Cyclops? > Cyclops' eyes fire > laser beams so he has to wear specially fabricated quartz ruby lenses to > allow him to control them. Mike: Ouch, Clyde's going to have visit a Mobil for a tune-up if he keeps shifting tenses like that. > "This is absolutely ridiculous" the woman with brown hair and a white > stripe the middle commented. Crow: [Rogue] Why cain't anyone evuh get mah accent raght? > "How can a telephone box travel, materialize > and dematerialize?". Tom: Pretty much the same way a woman can fly and steal minds. > She just had to simply touch someone to absorb his > or her psyche and powers. Crow: Clyde's going to introduce every character like this, isn't he? Mike: He skipped Cyclops, didn't he? Crow: Think about those two words: "Cyclops" and "character." Mike: Point taken. > It was a unique ability but it had quite a > psychological effect on her. Her first boyfriend had ended up in a coma > for > three days as a side-effect. On another occasion she had killed a > superheroine. This was when she was not on the side of the law. Tom: So, it's all right to kill a superheroine if you're with the law? > She had > turned to the X-Men after she absorbed the psyche of the person she had > killed. She could not control her thoughts. Two personalities in > one head. Mike: Looks like Clyde's gone into "Hemingway mode," doesn't it? Tom: [announcer] Can two personalities share the same mind and not go crazy? > Out of control. Thankfully, Professor Xavier managed to help her. Mike: With a large dose of valium. > "It's obviously *not* an ordinary one." Tom: Nope, it's a Super Deluxe Silver Edition Police Call Box! > Bishop looked at his watch. Mike: [Bishop] For crying out loud, I promised to meet Lou at the bowling alley fifteen minutes ago! > He > himself had seen many strange sights in his time, which was yet to > come. Tom: No! Not again! Please, Mike, turn me off! Anything! Don't make me sit through another rendition of X-History! [His bubble begins to smoke and he begins to mutter to himself.] Mike: [soothingly] It's okay, honey, it's going to be all right. [Mike reaches over and hugs Tom. Tom continues to shake and smoke.] Shh...it's gonna be all right. [The shaking subsides and Tom quiets down.] > Bishop was a dark-skinned man from a fearful future where someone had Crow: You going to be okay, Tommy? Tom: [weakly] Yeah, I'm fine, Crow. Meli just blindsided me for a moment. [Tom sniffs.] > killed the X-Men. Most likely it was one of them who killed them, Tom: Oh, now he's just taunting us. Mike: Attaboy, Tom! I knew you were better than the 'fic! > according > to the evidence he himself had found. Most probably it was Gambit, the last > X-Man to be seen alive. Crow: He had been wearing syrup bottles and talking to flowers, but they still thought he did it. > "Further to primary analysis, a selective time trace has been found > surrounding the area where the Box was located." continued Cerebro. Mike: That's hard to get out. He's gonna need baking soda for that one. > "What?" said Xavier. The professor could hardly believe this. This > meant one thing. Tom: Sea lions were going to invade New Foundland! > "It's a time machine then!" Mike: It was, but now it's working as a phone booth full time. Crow: [Ted] No way! Mike: [Rufus] Way! > "Cerebro, can you trace its temporal path then?" asked Bishop. > "Cerebro is unable to do such analysis." answered a stern Cerebro. Crow: [Cerebro] Naughty, naughty, Bishop. You must be...*punished*... > "Cerebro, can you locate any similar occurrences of a 1963 telephone > box materializing anywhere?" asked Xavier, thinking that this box must have > been seen somewhere else. Mike: [Norman Lovett] Hang on a mo'. > After a few minutes, Cerebro came up with the reply: > "No such occurrences." Mike: [Norman Lovett] Sorry, dudes. > Later that night, Xavier contacted Cable by comm-link, explaining the > present situation in detail: > "Do you know of any such boxes being used for time travel in your time > or before?" Xavier asked him. > "No, never." Mike: [Cable] We always used triangles. > "We need to upgrade Cerebro to scan temporal fluxes, in other words to > detect temporal displacements." > "I have just what you need. I will upload it to your system and you > can then install it." Tom: [Cable] Be sure you've got WindowsNT and Soundblaster installed, as well as 32 megs of RAM. > Cable was the son of Cyclops and Madelyn Pryor, [Tom begins to shake and mutter again.] Crow: Woop-woop! History off the port bow, captain! Mike: Come on, Tommy. Come on, you can rise above it! [Tom's bubble begins to smoke once more.] > a clone of Jean Grey, > grown up a few thousands of years in the future. Cable was a limited > telepath, but he complemented his abilities with the use of some Mike: [anxiously] Come on, Tom. Don't let it get you! > advanced > futuristic guns. He was not an X-Man, but he formed X-Force, another > mutant > team, a while back in the present. [Tom's shaking subsides, and he stops muttering] Tom: Whew! That was close! Thanks for the support, Nelson. Mike: Any time, buddy. > Part 5. Tom: [singing] Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! Mike: That's the spirit, Tom! > The familiar wheezing sound of Crow: The '85 Jimmy as it climbed a hill... > the TARDIS could be heard in an alley Tom: Cripes! It's an "Enemy Within" rip-off! > in Salem Center. Luckily there were no onlookers when the TARDIS > materialized. Then the Doctor, Tegan and Adric came out of the TARDIS. Mike: What happened to Nyssa? Crow: Oh, she's probably retuning her vibra - Mike: Ixnay, otbay! > "Come on, Adric, let's get a move on." said the Doctor. Crow: Even I'm not going to sink that low. > "Doctor, do you think they will attack us again?" Tegan asked in a > worried tone. Tom: [breezily] Oh, most likely. Best thing's just to get on with it. > "Well, this time I don't know. I just hope they don't. We haven't got > along too well, I'm afraid." he replied. Crow: If materialising and then dematerialising is not getting along, I'd hate to see Meli's idea of a long-term relationship! > The Doctor and his companions walked up to the Mansion gates. > Suddenly a man moved up to them and said "you three are muties? If so > you Mike: [announcer] May have won a new car! Tom: Since when was the X-mansion situated in downtown Salem Center? Crow: Since Meli forgot where it originally was. > will be in trouble." He had a knife in his hand, the Doctor could > see it. Mike: What the Doctor couldn't see was the big guy sneaking up behind him. > The Doctor said "There's no need to be hostile. We are not 'muties', > whatever they are." > "You're lying, I can read that in your look. You're one of those > killer muties!" he shouted. Tom: I wonder if they're related to Killer Shrews... > "Are you crazy? I'm just a stowaway, that's all!" Adric said. Tom: And an alien. Crow: And a liar. Mike: And an annoying snot. In short, you're - All: ADRIC! > "I'll cut you all up, you mutie kid!" the man jumped at Adric with the > knife, aiming at Adric's heart. Crow: Maybe Meli's isn't such a bad guy after all... > The Doctor managed to deflect the attack, Crow: I retract my previous statement. Tom: Besides, think of what it would have done to continuity, Crow. Crow: Four words: "Genesis of the Daleks." Mike: Check and mate, Tom. > but was caught off-balance. > The man punched the Doctor hard. He kicked him and the Doctor fell > down. Mike: The 'Bots' logic circuits exploded. Tom: The human's brain melted. Crow: The crew of the SOL suffered massive brain hemorrages. > He then moved in for the kill. Crow: [grizzled sportsman] Yessir, when I want to catch me a Doctor, I use Doctor-Call Bait, from 3M. > Suddenly an energized card flew from within the Mansion grounds. The > card was aimed at the man's knife and when they collided, there was a > small explosion. No knife remained. Tom: Rather like the plot five seconds after the story began. > Afraid of what might happen to him, the man ran away. Crow: [King Arthur] Run away! Run awaaaaaaaayy! All: [Knights] Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! > "Are you hurt?" asked Gambit after opening the Mansion doors. Tom: [Doctor] My ego's bruised, my arm hurts, and my celery's limp. What do you think? > As a mutant Gambit could energize any object Mike: [monotone] He just keeps going and going and going and going... > and hurl it at an opponent. Previously Mike: On "X-Men History Theater 3000"... Tom: Oh no, I smell back history. > a thief, he remained quite a man with a mysterious past. > The arrival of Bishop had only made things worse, since he claimed > Gambit was the X-Traitor who would kill them all. Tom: We have confirmation, Captain! History sighted! > "Not really. My name is the Doctor, and these are my companions Tegan, > Nyssa and Adric. What's your name?" Crow: [deep voice] I'm Batman. Mike: Uh, Crow? We've filled the Batman quota for today. > "Gambit." replied the mutant. His eyes seemed to flash. Mike: It turns out his eyes were glass; Gambit was a stuffed trophy. Thus explaining his lack of personality. > The Doctor was > uncomfortable for some reason in Gambit's presence. Something was not > quite right with this Gambit. Had he met this Gambit in his previous > travels? > Possibly he had. He suddenly sensed some telepathic barriers. Tom: How long has the Doctor been proficient in telepathy? > There was something familiar about this individual. Mike: [Doctor] I know you! We rode the ducks together at the Dells! > For a moment he > thought he would remember him, however that knowledge eluded him. Was > he an old enemy of his? Gambit asked puzzled, "Doctor who?" Crow: Who thinks the other guy is an old enemy? Mike: Exactly! Crow: Mike, you realize, of course, I'm going to have to hurt you for that one. > "Yes, you may call me that way if you like." Crow: [Doctor] Or you could call me Mr. Snuggles. > A young woman flew over from the Mansion to the gates to see what had > happened. She touched down and said "Hi, my name's Rogue. Crow: I thought her name was Rouge. Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the effect of reading too many bad fanfics. > Are you people all right?" > "Yes, we are fine. Mike: [Doctor] We were just attacked by some dimensional thingies, then some street punks. We're just fine, thanks. > Just tell me one thing, are you the X-Men?" asked > the Time Lord. Tom: [falsetto] No, we're Charlie's Angels! Tee-hee! > "Of course we are." said Rogue. > "I have to speak to all you. I have a message for you from Roma." > "ROMA?" All: FROM NOMA! > shouted Storm, who at this moment was still inside the > grounds. Crow: [falsetto, muffled] Help! Help! Let me out! It's dark down here! > She came over to speak to the Doctor. "What has happened to Roma? Is > she all right?" Bishop, Xavier, Cyclops and Jean Grey walked to the > gates. > Storm, an Egyptian with blonde hair, Tom: What happened to the Storm with white hair? Crow: She's hiding with the appropriately aged Kitty and 16 year-old Illyana. Tom: Back history *and* discontinuity. My logic sequencer's gonna hate me in the morning. > had the ability to control the > weather, to whip up storms, monsoons, snow etc whenever she wished. Mike: Dear God! It's more X-history! Tom: [whimpers] Where!? Where!? > And by the use of a strong wind she could also fly. She was currently > leader of the Gold team, like Cyclops was leader of the Blue team. > "We'd better talk inside." said Xavier. "We will discuss matters in > my ready room." Crow: Room, let's get ready to rumble! > Part 6. Crow: [singing] Stab out my eyes with little sticks. Mike: Crow, you're getting a little dark and creepy there. > Storm, Cyclops, Xavier, Jean Grey, Rogue, Gambit, Psylocke and Bishop > were present in the professor's Ready Room. The Doctor and his > companions entered the room and they sat down. Tom: It's a Ratliff scene! Run! Crow: Good idea, Tom! [Crow bolts out of the theater.] Mike: Crow! Get back here! Oh, cripes. Tom: [unsteadily] Mike? I'm feeling a little wooozyyy... [Tom slumps over] Mike: Oh, geez! [sighs] Come on, Tom. [Mike picks up Tom and heads out after Crow.] [1...2...3...4...5...6...*...] [SOL Bridge. Servo's lying on his side, the top of his bubble facing us. Mike is rummaging around beneath his hoverskirt. Crow's standing off to Mike's left, next to a tool box. "E-Z Bot Repair" is propped open on the tool box] Mike: Crow, would you hand me the inkle grommiter? Crow: Mike, no functional arms, remember? Mike: [sheepishly] Oh, yeah, right. [He turns to the tool box and pulls out the grommiter.] Crow: Mike, what *is* an inkle grommiter? Mike: [Looking up from his work] I dunno. These repair instructions on the inside are hard to read. All that back history blew Servo's power cells and leaked battery acid *everywhere.* It's disgusting. [Mike makes one final turn with the grommiter and sets Tom upright.] There, that should do it. Crow: Mike, don't ever use that phrase when you want something to work. Mike: Oh, sorry. [Mike makes an adjustment to the control panel on Tom's chest] Okay, there we go. [Tom straightens up and his head turns all the way around] Tom: [Scottish burr] I can do anything I like! After all, I am Phoenix! [He hops up and down, his head still turning] Ha ha! It is I, Hemingstein, the Pumpkin King! [He stops abruptly and sinks down so only his bubble shows over the desktop] Oh my word! The Krull are bound to win for sure, Marrissa! Quickly, Brigadier! Call MacGyver! [Mike, who's been watching in silent horror with Crow, leaps into action. He deactivates Tom and steps back, still shocked] Crow: The hell was *that*? Mike: [nervous] Heh. Heh. I think I, ah, may have, um, misconnected a few wires, heh. Crow: So whaddya gonna do now, huh? Mike: [visibly distressed] Uh, uh...I know! [Mike gives Tom a great whack on the back of the bubble] Tom: [suddenly blaring into consciousness] Now I'm a highly sophisticated robot, Mike. And I'm telling you this is *not* a sound you should be hearing... [realizes he's not where he thought he was] The hell?! What happened? Crow: [dryly] Ask Wonderboy over here. Mike: [nervous again] Well, uh, you see, Tom, what happened was uh, well... [Sirens and lights go off] Mike: Never mind, Tom! We've got Fanfic Sign! [They all exit running stage right] [6...5...4...3...2...1...*...] [Again, they enter the theater] Tom: Will you just tell me, already? Mike: It doesn't matter, Tom. Ssh, the fic's starting up again. > The Doctor looked at Xavier and asked him whether he could talk to him > for a moment in private. Xavier replied "Well of course you can." and > promptly asked the X-Men to leave the room. Tom: Sheesh, this guy would probably jump off a building if you asked nicely. Mike: As soon as they all sit down, they're all sent out. Makes sense. > "Xavier, is Gambit a telepath?" Crow: That's a rather personal question. > "No he is not. He never was one." was the Professor's reply. Tom: But he might be one tomorrow, it all depends on what the writer feels like. > "Well he is one now. Tom: Told ya. > I can sense that for certain. So my suspicion is > correct." commented the Doctor. Crow: [Doctor] You really can tell it's not butter! > "He is a telepath, but not in the way > you know telepaths. His ability is not mutant in nature." Crow: It's a result of the Green Gem of Gizmon - Mike: Copyright, Crow. Crow: Oh, sorry. > The X-Men entered the room after the Doctor had finished speaking to > the Professor. Tom: [Cyclops] Are we going to be sent out again? I've got an angst session with Alex at four. > The purple-haired Psylocke was currently facing quite an identity > crisis, as she was trying to reconcile being an English telepath and > an Asian martial arts expert at the same time. Tom: Hmm, that wasn't bad. Short and bitter. Mike: But was it neccessary? Tom: Of course not. > "Roma was a captive of the Adversary." the Doctor explained. > "Again? Has he escaped from Forge's prison?" she asked. > Forge, an American Indian Crow: [coughs] Native American, please. > known as the Maker, had the unique mutant > ability of creating any tool, machinery or weapon, but he also had a > knowledge of shaman spells. Once he had to use this to banish the > Adversary and had to use the X-Men's lives as sacrifices for the > spell. Thanks to Roma afterwards, Crow: [announcer] Roma Afterwards, for the morning after death. > the X-Men were given life anew and > placed in the Australian outback where they could work undercover for a > while. Crow: It's the plot for "dueSouth"! Tom: It's happening again! [He shakes slightly.] Mike: [soothing] It's okay, Tom, it'll pass. > "I'm afraid so. He has help now, in the form of the Mara." > "The Mara? We have never heard of this Mara before. Who is he?" said > Rogue. Mike: Oh, he's that nice repairman from the Jiffy Lube. > "More precisely, it is a They, not a He. Tom: Please get your personal pronouns correct! > But since they are one, we may call them a he or it. Mike: Actually, they prefer the term "corporeally-challenged anti- therapist." > The Mara is evil itself from the dark places > of the inner depths of man. Tom: What about women? Crow: Roseanne Barr. Tom: Good call. > Every Mara carries a snake emblem on its > arm. It is the emblem of primeval evil. Mike: It's got to be hard to spread evil when you're wearing the equivalent of a sign that says "I'm Evil!" Crow: Sounds like the Mads. > The last time I met the Mara I > managed to defeat it with the use of Tom: [scientist guy] A really big pair of pants! > large mirrors, since the only > thing a Mara fears is itself. I banished it's spirit back to its own > dimension." explained the Doctor. > "How did it end up here?" asked Bishop. Mike: He took the turnpike. > "The place were the Mara was imprisoned was the same place the > Adversary was cast to by Forge. Crow: And wasn't that a handy turn of events! > Now the Mara could not leave its > prison. The last time it used Tegan as a bridge to our universe. This > time it found the Adversary, which could be its bridge to another universe, yours." Tom: Golden Gate, Brooklyn, or Tower? > "What??" said LeBeau, better known as Gambit. "Do you believe this > stuff this man says?" Crow: [Gambit] As soon as he showed up my accent disappeared! > "I am speaking the truth." replied the Doctor in a stern voice. Mike: [Doctor] But I'm dancing with lies. > "Unlike someone we know, LeBeau." said Bishop ironically. > "Can anyone of you read my mind to see the truth? I will lower my > mental barriers to allow you to do this." > "He is truthful" said Xavier. "I can read his thoughts though they are > alien to me and can ascertain he is being honest with us." Tom: Doodley-doodley-doop! Your brain's been scanned! > "You said he is an alien. Where are you from Doctor?" asked Gambit. Mike: Oh, he's from Gallifrey; it's in Ireland, donchaknow. > "So many questions from such an untrusting person. Why, I am a Time > Lord, from the planet Gallifrey. Possibly it does not even exist in > your universe." answered the Doctor. Tom: That would certainly explain how all these mutants can gad about the timelines so freely. > Gambit's eyes flashed and flashed again. Mike: [singing] Flash on, flash off, the flasher! > "The Doctor may ruin my > plans", he thought. "He has not recognised me yet. Yet if he does, I > will be forced to reveal myself." Crow: [deep voice] I've got to stop speaking my thoughts out loud. > "My TARDIS is a time machine, it is capable of travelling through time > and space. At times I have even travelled to other universes and > dimensions." the Doctor stated. Tom: The hell prompted that?! Mike: I thought the Doctor didn't like to talk about his TARDIS. > "Quite a strange craft you've got Doctor." said Xavier. Crow: [British accent] Did you know I've suddenly become British, eh? Eh? > "And a small one too." said Storm. Crow: You know what they say, it isn't the size that counts! > "Small? You haven't looked inside yet, have you?" answered the Doctor. Mike: Actually, it's kind of hard to when the thing's sitting in an alley on the other side of town. > Part 7. Mike: [singing] Hope there ain't eleven. > The Doctor's Diary Crow: Now airing on Showtime! Tom: Warning, this show is rated Mature. > I took a deep breath when I arrived at the TARDIS doors. Mike: And held it. And held it. And held it... Crow: 'Til I finally passed out and the fanfic ended! > I turned slowly and looked towards the unbelieving mutants. I unlocked the > doors, opened them and went inside. Tom: It's more Ratliff! All: Aaaaah!! > "Well, won't you follow me, come in!" I told the X-Men. Mike: How can he tell them if he's inside? Crow: Does it really matter? Mike: Well...no. > I had told my companions Nyssa, Tegan and Adric to stay at the mansion while I > showed the X-Men my TARDIS. Mike: [stern] Bad companions! Go lay down! > Storm, Cyclops and Xavier were the first to move. "Astonishing!" was > Xavier's first reaction. Cyclops and Storm were speechless. Tom: No real change from their normal characters, then. > Jean Grey and Gambit entered next. "It does seem larger inside, > actually." commented the telepath. Crow: [Jean, bored] Oh, hmm. My hair appears to be on fire. > Rogue, Psylocke and Bishop stepped inside and looked around > themselves. Mike: [Bishop] That smell is definitely coming from the hatstand. > "The room is definitely larger than the exterior. And I can see other > rooms and corridors. Large corridors. This is not possible." said > Bishop. Crow: You're right. You're all standing in an impossibility. That's it, everyone's dead. Mike: How can Bishop see through the walls? > "It is possible." I corrected him. Tom: [prudish] Grammar, young man, remember your grammar! > "This is illogical actually." Bishop kept muttering. Mike: [Bishop, muttering] Lousy, no-good, illogical pooh-heads. I'll make 'em all pay. Just you wait, jerk. > "You've got a lot to unlearn. They all find it hard to understand," > I mumbled under my breath. Well. Mike: They mumble in this 'fic an awful lot, don't they? Crow: Must be former postal workers. > "Hm, what did you say?" enquired a confused Bishop? Tom: Meli's not sure what he's writing about anymore! > "Nothing. Nothing important." I replied. Crow: [Doctor, breezily] Just planning how to kill you, that's all. > "Let me show you around the TARDIS" I said then. Crow: That'll take eight or nine years. > "All right. This ship of yours is extremely interesting." replied the > Professor. Mike: [Professor] I could've have done it with coconuts, you know. What do you think of that? > I took the X-Men to a number of different rooms, until I reached a > circular room which had a reflective surface. Tom: He doesn't even know his own TARDIS, how's he supposed to be able to fly the thing? Crow: He can't, at least, he isn't supposed to be able to. Meli's forgotten, that's all. Tom: You mean you *hope* that's all. > Suddenly to everyone's astonishment, there was a strange reaction. Mike: Must a cut scene from "Chain Reaction." > "No... Get that mirror away...." Gambit shouted! Crow: Meli's really getting into this story, accentuating statements and what not. Tom: [Gambit] I've got acne! > "What's going on?" asked Rogue. Gambit's eyes glowed a fiery red. Mike: He drank the Acme Tabasco Sauce! Crow: Watch out for the flames shooting from his ears! > "I.... must.... not.... be...discovered..." muttered Gambit. Tom: [Gambit] I must...be like...Shatner... > Xavier attempted to use his telepathic abilities to read Gambit's > mind. Mike: So much for Xavier's morals. > To his astonishment his mind was different, almost alien, > indecipherable. Tom: He must be scanning Pauly Shore's mind. > "So it is you!" I told Gambit. Crow: [Doctor] You ate the last Pop Tart! > "You are the traitorous one as I suspected all along" screamed a > viciously angry Bishop. Bishop pointed his large weapon at Gambit. All: [snickering] > "You are the Mara!" I claimed pointing to Gambit. "No, Bishop, do not > shoot him. You will kill both of them!" Tom: And why, pray tell, is this a bad thing? > I then said "Look at his arm, it has the sign of the Mara, the > snake!". Crow: Watch out! All of Hell's Angels are Mara, too! > The snake was released from his arm, because of the circular > reflection, and it started hissing. Mike: If only rashes came off that easily. > "That is the form of the Mara in this world" I explained calmly. Tom: [Doctor] We're going to die now, so we may as well be calm about the whole thing now. > It lashed its fangs out at me "....you have not defeated me > Doctor...we shall meet again later..." Mike: [Mara] Yes...we shall meet again...somewhere...someday...in some way or fashion...Oh, cripes. Look, I'm going to start again. > it said while it kept growing > in size, similar to what had happened on Deva Loka. Crow: And twice as cheesy! > When it grew to a very large size, it disappeared in a flash of red > light. "It has left this mode of existence again." I stated. > Gambit was lying on the floor. He was muttering nonsense. In a few > moments he came to and looked at the X-Men and at me. "Who..Who are > you guys?" he said. "I don't remember you. Where am I?" he asked. Crow: [Arch Hall Jr.] Where am I? Who am I? What am I looking for? > "I am the Doctor. You are in my TARDIS. Let me introduce you to the > X-Men, LeBeau." Mike: The Doctor's gotten awfully impersonal in this story, hasn't he? > "You know..know my name? Who are you people..? I don't know you, do I?" > "It's a long story, and frankly time is something we are short of." Tom: Now it's an NA! > Part 8. All: [singing] Five, six, seven, eight. Doctor's waiting at the gate. Crow: Oh, Benny A., you're good for something. Mike: Hey! I liked "Transit"! Crow: You would. > The Doctor silently operated the TARDIS controls and the central > column rose. "Doctor, I can't believe it. It's so big inside your > TARDIS" said Xavier. Mike: [Xavier] I just can't get over it. I mean, come on, it's done with a trapdoor and mirrors, right? Crow: [Brigadier] Good lord! We must be in Cromer! > "Yes, Professor, it is big. It has been my home, > at least for the last few hundred years." "Few hundred years?" mumbled > Rogue. Tom: It can seem like a hundred years when you're stuck with Adric. Crow: I smell killing spree! > Meanwhile the TARDIS dematerialised again, and materialised > inside the X-Men's Mansion. Tom: Why? Mike: That is the question of the day, Tom. > "I believe it went like this. After we freed Roma, the Mara found a > new physical host, LeBeau. Tom: But...but...Roma wasn't possessed to begin with. Crow: Don't worry about it, Tom, it'll pass. > The only path in my universe was through a > form of collective dreaming or indeed any similar process, whereas > here I can only hypothesise at the way the Mara managed to take a > host. Perhaps it was helped directly by the Adversary. I cannot tell." Mike: And, frankly, we don't care. > "So the only way to keep the Mara from returning here would be to > re imprison the Adversary, right?" asked Rogue. Crow: [Doctor] Yeah, pretty much. Good luck, suckers! > "Perhaps it is so, but we must imprison him somewhere else far away > so > he will not be able to free the Mara and vice versa." said the Doctor > with a very serious look on his face. Tom: Try Minnesota. > "We must seek out the Adversary and take him out once and for all!" > said Bishop, obviously pleased at this twist of events. Mike: [slurping, twisting sounds] Tom: [annnouncer] Yes, watch as the Amazing Fanfic twists and stretches the very limits of the reader's suspension of disbelief! > "If it comes to worst I may have to give up my remaining lives as you > did before" a worried Doctor said. Crow: This really is turning into an NA, he knows the whole plot. Mike: He doesn't know much, does he? > The Doctor's companions entered the TARDIS after it materialised. > Tegan asked the Doctor what had happened since she saw Gambit lying on > the floor still mostly unconscious. Crow: How can you be mostly unconscious? Is it like partly dead? > The Doctor said "He'll be all right. He had the Mara in him." Mike: [Doctor] Take these tablets, two of these pills, three tablespoons of this, and don't expect to wake up. > "Oh my goodness, the Mara had possessed him too?" queried Tegan. Tom: Suddenly, Janet Fielding began to channel Patrick Troughton. > "Yes, that's what had happened. He was going to kill them all if I > hadn't stopped him." Crow: I still fail to see the drawback in that. > Bishop explained how in about one hundred years from now, in his time, > he had stumbled across the War Room of the X-Men. He together with two > other XSE officers had seen the final recording left by Jean Grey, > where she said that the Mansion security had been disabled, > deactivated from within. They had been betrayed, but by one of their > own, the X-Traitor. Obviously this was Gambit who had in the past been > taken over by the Mara. Tom: What in the name of Horatio Hufnagel does this have to do with *anything*?! > "Xavier, will you please call Forge? We need his help now." asked the > Doctor. Mike: [Doctor] My time vector generator's kaput, think he can knock up a new one? > "Doctor, you can't give your lives up! How will we get back home?" > screamed an extremely worried Tegan. Crow: She's been standing quietly in the corner, and now she's screaming her head off! Please, Meli, at least pretend to know what characterisation means! Tom: Talk about delayed reaction time! He said he was going to lose his lives at the top of the page! > "Well I will give all of them except one. Forge will need another two, > to make up nine lives given freely." said the Doctor. Mike: How does he know all this stuff about magic? I thought he didn't believe in magic. Tom: Read "Millenial Rites," Mike. It's not magic, it's math! > "Doctor, could you take me back to my time if everything works out > just fine?" asked Bishop. "If you wish, yes." answered the Doctor. Mike: [Doctor] Although I haven't a clue why I should, sure, I'll muck around with your timeline. It's fun! > "I..am not certain I want to go back however... I have met the legends > themselves in person..." Crow: If he's not sure, why is he asking to go home? > "Legends?" asked the Doctor. "Oh, the X-Men." Tom: [Doctor] You guys still here? Don't you have a home to go to? > Part 9. Crow: Oh, for a landmine. > Forge accepted his role to banish the Adversary once more, hopefully > this time it would be forever. He thought he would never see the > Adversary again, and he was not looking forward to this encounter. Tom: Rather convenient how he just popped out of thin air, isn't it? It's not like he has a job or anything. Mike: It's as if being a mutant means you don't have to pay bills or anything. > The Doctor operated the TARDIS controls after setting course for the > same dimensional place where they had seen the Adversary, Roma and > the Mara. Crow: Once the cheese compressors ran out the Doctor actually dematerialised the TARDIS. > The central column stopped moving, and the TARDIS background hum > calmed down. Tom: What kind of hum is it when it's at home? > The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and the Adversary could be seen. > "Come to fight me, have you? You little creatures are up to no good! > Your efforts shall be for naught, I am invulnerable!" said the Adversary. Crow: Good Lord! It's the Big Bad Wolf, Glenn, and Stephen Thorne all rolled into one! > "Liar of a creature, I shall do my best to stop you again!" shouted > Forge. Mike: [Forge] I botched it last time, but now I'm fairly certain of what I'm doing, I've even got the instructions right here. Could you step to the left a little, please? Yeah, right on the 'X'. > Forge started casting his spell. Storm helped him by generating > lightning which is an indispensable element of this spell. Crow: Meli's just making this up! > Together, they > opened the portal through which the Adversary would be banished forever. > Something was wrong. The portal would not open. At least it tried to > open, but it closed straight away. The Adversary could be heard > laughing. Tom: [Adversary] Oh, you wacky nuts! > "What has happened? Why didn't the portal open?" asked the Doctor. > Forge replied "I am not certain but it may have been the result of our > being in this dimension. The portal does not have enough strength to > remain open." > "Well perhaps I can help you then" replied the Doctor. He went in a > different room in the TARDIS and got a tachyonic multiplexer with him. Mike: [announcer] Allows tachyons to perform ten different exercises with just one machine! > "I will connect this tachyonic multiplexer to the.. hmm I need a > portable tachyonic generator since the one in the TARDIS is not close > to where I need it and I don't want to risk losing this one. Forge, > could you make one for me?" asked the Doctor. Tom: This is just filler! There's no point to it! Crow: [Doctor] And whip up a companion who doesn't scream while you're at it. > "Of course, Doctor. Here it comes!" Tom: Clyde has no idea how Forge's powers work, does he? > "Good! I will connect it now and aim it at the portal. That should > strengthen the subatomic structure of the portal." said the Doctor. Mike: [Doctor] By reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, I've allowed this doohickey to fumboozle the settings of the inter-dimensional whatsit, while allowing for the disruption caused by the omega configuration of the thingamabobber when it was folded back. > "Now generate the portal again!" > The portal was generated again, and with the help of the tachyon > pulses emitted by the Doctor's multiplexer, the portal was > strengthened and did not close itself. "Quickly now!" said the Doctor. Crow: One thing can be said about this story: it's taught me the value of active voice. > The Doctor gave all his remaining lives less one, Storm gave her soul > and Adric did the same and with these Forge casted the final spell to > banish the Adversary once more forever. Tom: And the Adversary done never come back. And they all done live happily ever after once the story ended. > The Adversary was pushed into the portal and banished forever while he > screamed and cursed at Forge. Mike: Aw, how nice. Meli's gone and edited out the naughty language for us. Crow: [dry] Yeah. Great. > Forge then closed the portal. Mike: [falsetto] Close that portal, young man! Were you raised in a lower pocket dimension? You're letting all the tachyons out! > Storm and Adric were not there. "Roma" thought Forge. Tom: Yeah, so? > They had given their lives of their free will, and they were now dead. Crow: And there was much rejoicing amongst the fanboys. All: HUZZAH! > "I hope she gives them their lives back this time also." Mike: Actually, with the coming of a new writer, Roma's become dark and secretive. Now she's very manipulative and her methods are stained with blood. Tom: You've been reading those Virgin New Adventures, haven't you, Mike? > The Doctor now had only one left, his current regeneration. He would > not regenerate any more. He could not understand how this could come > to be since he had met future regenerations of himself before. Crow: Well, that's all right. We don't know what's going on either. > The Fifth Doctor would be the last Doctor. Tom: Noo! No more endearing fights between Nicola Bryant and Colin Baker! Mike: No more poofy explosions because of imaginary nitroglycerin! Crow: No more bouncy redheads who exercise! [beat] All: HOORAY! > Part 10. Tom: [singing] Ain't gonna sit through this again. > In Roma's Starlight Citadel, preparations were afoot for a celebration. > The adversary had been defeated once more, thanks to the X-Men and Doctor > Who. Mike: And so the author finally wormed the title into the story. Crow: That's 'Doctor Who and the X-Men.' Mike: Don't remind me. > "Thank you friends. Once more." Roma quietly said to Storm and Adric, > who found themselves in the same room where Roma was. Crow: How else would she be able to talk to them? > "Will we have our lives back?" asked Storm. Tom: No, you're doomed to wander the Earth as Nazgul. > "Yes, including the Doctor's." replied a tired Roma. Crow: [Roma] Yes, you'll get your stupid lives back. Will you just go, already! > "Do you wish to be sent somewhere else, or in the same place where > you died?" asked Roma. Mike: Send them to Cuba! > "We would like to go back to where we were this time." said Storm. > "Last time, you know what happened in Australia." Tom: Ho-hum. Been through this before, Clyde, me boyo. > "Before you leave, Adric, I would like to give you a gift." Roma said. > "A gift?" Adric asked. Mike: [Roma] It's from Frederick's, I hope you like it. > "Yes, you will not know what this is right now. Later on after a > sacrifice, you will know what it is. I wish you luck." replied Roma. Crow: [stoned Burns] I bring you love. > In a flash, Storm and Adric found themselves in the same place where > they were fighting the Adversary before, in other words in the TARDIS > doorway. The Doctor had had his lives returned to him. He could sense > this himself. > Suddenly a creature made of flame could be seen traversing the > dimensional sky. Crow: What color is a dimensional sky? Mike: The same color as Meli's sky. > "It's the Phoenix entity!" said Storm. "Let's hope it is not coming > back! If it is, I hope it is Rachel." Crow: [Storm] Oh, I hope it won't rain! But if it does, I hope it rains here. > The Doctor, his companions and the X-Men went back to the Mansion. > The Doctor started work to find the correct way to enable the TARDIS > to return to its original space-time vortex and had appreciated > Xavier's help in the use of Cerebro for this. Tom: Meli's gotten really bored, he's wrapping this baby up quick as he can. > "What is this Phoenix you spoke about, Storm?" asked an inquisitive > Doctor. Mike: [Storm, breezily] Oh, it's a planet eating monster that's nearly destroyed Earth three or four times. > "It is an energy entity resulting from early creation energies. > Ultimately if the Phoenix entity is destroyed, or its bonded human > host is killed, all the stars would go out like a candle in the wind." > Storm replied in a calm voice. Tom: [spacey] Yeah, that's def, man. Candles in the wind, man, that's deep. Crow: [spaced] Wooooooo! > After the Doctor had computed the correct values, and corrected some > faulty circuitry he decided it was time to leave. Adric, Tegan and > Nyssa joined the Doctor in the TARDIS after all of them said their > goodbyes to the X-Men. Crow: I'm starting to get the feeling Clyde doesn't like the companions. > The Doctor went out of the TARDIS and thanked > Xavier. "No, I have to thank you!" said a happy Xavier. Mike: [Xavier] It's a strapping young boy! > The Doctor entered the TARDIS and operated the central console. The > central column rose slowly and the TARDIS dematerialised promptly. A > groaning noise could be heard before it dematerialised. Tom: [Mitchell] Ooh, oh, yeah. Mmph. Just a little - yeah, ahhh... > "Farewell Doctor" said Rogue looking at the spot where the TARDIS was. > "and good luck." Tom: You have to appreciate Clyde's audacity in putting Rogue in such a pivotal role of little to no importance. > Roma looked at the hologram in her room. She could visibly watch what > was going on - she saw the Doctor leave. She saw the Phoenix traverse > the interdimensional barriers. Crow: What the hell does the Phoenix have to do with anything? > "Adric's sacrifice will not be in vain. He will be rewarded by the > ultimate of abilities. And no great power comes without great > responsibility." Mike: Oh, dear lord. That's Marvel's way of saying 'Watch for the sequel, folks!' > THE END..? Crow: Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease say it's the end. > Tom: Huzzah! We've to returned to HTML! It's almost over! >

> Comments to: href="mailto:cmeli@jaguar.is.unimt.mt"> cmeli@jaguar.is.unimt.mt >

> This fanfic may be freely archived on ftp sites, but please inform the > author. Crow: Why, oh why, would someone want to? >

> I believe it is the first and only Doctor Who/X-Men crossover. Tom: There's an excellent reason for that. Come on, fellas, we are *outta here!* All: Woo-hoo! [1...2...3...4...5...6...*...] [SOL. Everyone is visibly tired. Even Cambot is slumping a little, meaning our view is lower than normal.] Mike: Wow, that was a tough one. Crow: Yes. Tom: Yes. Mike: Yes. Crow: Yes. Tom: Yes. Mike: Ye - hey, wait a minute! What's going on? Tom: It's as if the will to live has been sucked from me. Crow: I'm ready to bow down before whoever proclaims to be my lord and master. Mike: Huh, I guess Doctor Forrester finally won. [Deep 13] Dr F: [oblivious to the state of affairs on board the SOL] Frank? Frank, where are you? [He pokes around in the computer garbage some more] Frank, you had better get your hinder out here before I find it! Frank: [voice only] Hee hee. Can't catch me! I'm the Teletubbie Man! [There's a rustling of computer tape in the back, then to the left, far to the right, and then all around, always accompanied by giggling. Dr F is turning wildly, trying to figure out where Frank's hiding. Frank's head pops up in the back from under a big heap of magnetic tape. He makes a 'shsh' motion towards the camera and ducks under again.] Dr F: [cajoling] Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, I've got *potato cakes*. Potato cakes heavy with ketchup and...ah, well...whatever you put on potato cakes. Frank: [again, from anywhere] With jelly? Dr F: Um, sure, Frank. I've got potato cakes with jelly. Frank: Yaaaaaayyyyy!!! [He jumps out of his hiding place and runs to Dr F, only to find there are, in fact, no potato cakes.] [accusing] Hey, where are the potato cakes? Dr F: [angry] Right here, Frank! [Dr F pulls an old monitor frame out from the rubbage and bops Frank on the head with it. Frank falls forward and hits the button with his head. \ | / \ | / Pssshhhh! ----- O ----- / | \ / | \ Mike: [voice over on the credits] We're just kidding, folks! Dr. F could never win! Dr F: [v/o] Wanna bet, Nelson? I've got a 12 hour Ratliff/Corman collaboration warming up on the projector. Mike: [v/o] Ulp... * * * * * "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyright Best Brains, Inc. This is an homage and done for non-profit. The X-Men are copyright Marvel (rapidly deflating zeppelin that it is), and used without permission. Same goes for "Doctor Who" and all associated characters, which belong to the BBC. Source text belongs to Clyde Meli. The 'Pssshhh!' comes from Jamie Plummer's MSTing of "A New Generation." The idea for Joel's cameo comes from someone at alt.tv.mst3k. If I knew who, I would say so. Thank you, good night, and godspeed. *> They had given their lives of their free will, and they were now dead.*