Suigetsu Studios Presents: Garden of EVA Chapter 1 MSTed by Nagisa Visit us at www.geocities/suigetsustudios Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyrighted by Gainax, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is coyprighted by Best Brains Inc., Garden of EVA is copyrighted by Jim Lazar and he's welcome to it. This MST and my characters Amano Karen, Morgan Leyland, Ryan Christen and Tessa Katz are copyrighted by me, please don't use them without permission. ---------------------------------- [The scene: A mid-sized apartment. There is a small kitchen and eating area, a hallway leading off to somewhere or another, and a long comfortable couch set in front of a large TV with a DVD/VHS combo system.] [Everyone except Ryan is present. Tessa and Morgan are swapping stories and Karen is messing around on her computer. The door opens and Ryan walks in with a big grin on his face] Ryan: Hey everybody, am I late? Morgan: Not really, we were just killing time. Tessa: You look happy, what's the occasion? Ryan: Well, my copy of the Girlfriend of Steel 2 manga just came in the mail. I've been waiting months for it. [Karen snaps to attention and looks at Ryan intently.] Karen: You still haven't let me play that game and now you've got the manga? Come on, please let me play! Ryan: I just got the game a week ago, there hasn't been time. Besides, you just want to see Kaworu, don't you? Karen: Yeah, so what? Ryan: Nothing... Tessa: So, how's 'Girlfriend' stack up to the real manga? Ryan: I haven't read it yet. Tessa: Why not? Ryan: Thanks to Voice I'm usually depressed after work, I figured I'd save this until afterwards to cheer me up. Voice: It hurts me that you feel that way, really it does. Ryan: Stuff it. Voice: You asked for it. Your experiment for today is- Morgan: -another example of horrible Eva fanfiction. Tessa: How'd you guess? Voice: -quite an epic. It's a rather infamous fic too, it's called Garden of EVA. [There is a long pause] Ryan: You hate us, don't you? Voice: You've heard of it I see. Ryan: A friend read it and said that it was crap; I'm not looking forward to this. Voice: Tough, you signed the contract. [Everyone takes their places on the couch] Karen: Did your friend tell you what the story was about? Ryan: He just said to avoid it like the plague and that it was the worst thing he's ever read. Other than that I know as much as you. > [EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:1 - Reality Bites! Ryan: I already don't like the look of this. > ======================================================================= > Garden of EVA 0:1 - Reality Bites! Morgan: Are we going to have long 'train' sequences here? > Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright > by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission Karen: As you would expect. > Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim > Lazar > > A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion Ryan: So we can kiss everyone's character goodbye before the fic even begins. > > "Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese." Tessa: Which is really stupid considering that everyone is supposed to be speaking in Japanese to begin with. Morgan: Please don't let this be like Neon Exodus that way... > E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com > Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at: > http://www.animeprime/ff/geva > > ======================================================================= > Spoiler warning: This story contains references to episode 26 of the > Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. If you have not seen that episode, Ryan: Then you haven't finished the series yet and shouldn't be reading fanfiction about it. > this story may contain spoilers and/or spoiled food. Karen: Was that intended to be amusing? Tessa: That reminds me, whose turn was it to clean out the refrigerator? Karen: I think it's yours. > Also, seeing that episode would be helpful to fully enjoy this story > (I was going to say understanding that episode would be helpful, but I > still haven't fully figured it out myself). Ryan: So you decided to sit down and write a fanfic, bad sign. > This story has no connection with any of the > Eva movies (mostly because I have not seen any of the movies). Ryan: [Laughs darkly] You have no idea... > ======================================================================= > Naughty words warning: There be some bad words in this here story. Morgan: [Bayle Domon] There do be funny grammar here, by my aged grandmother. > Rather than bleep them out or tone them down, I'm just warning you. > Live with it. Karen: Can we not and say we did? > ======================================================================= > Naked people warning: There be some naked people in this story. Karen: Ok, I'm too young for this so I'll just leave. Tessa: [Grabbing Karen] Oh no you're not. We promised we'd all suffer through the fics together. > Unlike the Eva anime, they do have nipples and other bits. Morgan: As if you could tell, seeing as it's text and all > Of course, you have to use your imagination to see them anyway. Morgan: What he said. > ======================================================================= > Sex warning: No sex to speak of in this story. Karen: Good, I don't wanna read a lemon. > Well, some talk of sex, but no actual sex acts. Well, that depends on > your definition of sex acts, I guess. Tessa: This _really_ bodes. > ======================================================================= > Warning warning: There are no more warnings in this story. Everyone: May the torture commence. > ======================================================================= > > > "Unit 01, Angel at 9 o'clock." Ryan: [Shinji] Roger, what should I do until then? > "I've got it. Asuka, take the Angel on your right. I'll take this > new one," Shinji called out. Morgan: So we're fighting Israfel now? > He quickly adjusted his Eva's controls and > his Eva Unit 01 lumbered to engage the new threat. Karen: Shinji had never wanted to be an Eva pilot, he really wanted to be a lumberjack. > "Who put you in command?!" an angry female voice replied over the > intercom. > Shinji sighed. It was like this every time they piloted the Evas. Ryan: But at least this time he doesn't have to wear Asuka's plugsuit. > "Just do it, you're closer to that one!" Shinji yelled back. > > "Jackass," Asuka replied. Then her Eva Unit 02 launched a volley > of high-powered bullets at her target. Ryan: And according to Law #37 of Evangelion Fanfiction, it did absolutely nothing. > "You'd be better off using hand to hand with that Angel," a calm > female voice informed Asuka. Tessa: So we've gotten better at analyzing the capabilities of the Angels have we? > "When I want your advice, I'll ask for it!" Ryan: [Asuka] I'm perfectly capable of getting clobbered on my own without needing input in how not to do it. Morgan: Is that part of the fanfiction law? Ryan: Yeah, Asuka's not allowed to do anything useful. > Shinji was wrestling with an Angel that was twice the size of his > Eva. Tessa: It's Shamshel, the Phallic Symbol of Doom! Karen: No, bad mental images! > He tried to get his progressive knife into the Angel's core, but > it kept moving around the body to avoid the knife. Morgan: Displaying more intelligence than Shamshel ever did. > "Damn it!" Shinji cursed as an explosion rocked his entry plug. He > turned his Eva's head to find the source. It was Unit 00. "Rei!" > "I am undamaged," Rei replied. Ryan: [Rei] Could we hurry and finish this up? I have four more fanfics to appear in today. > Shinji returned to trying to kill his Angel. He grinned as he > finally found the core with his blade. The Angel exploded underneath > him and sent him flying backward to land on top of Eva Unit 02. Tessa: We are watching episode 9 again. > "Get off of me, Shinji!" Asuka called. > "I'm not doing this because I like you!" Shinji screamed back. He > tried to move his Eva off Eva Unit 02, but the Angel Asuka was fighting > had wrapped an elastic arm around both of them. Tessa: Oooh, kinky! Karen: [Turning slightly green] I did not need that. > "Hey look! Shinji and Asuka are doing it!" Touji called out. Morgan: Ok, what's HE doing in this scene? > "Pervert! Just fight your own Angel and leave the lovebirds > alone!" Hikari scolded Touji. Ryan: More importantly, what's SHE doing there? > "We are not! Our Eva's are just tangled up!" Asuka insisted. Karen: That's her excuse and she's sticking with it. > "Very well, I'll take care of this," Rei said. > Soon, Eva Unit 00 deftly destroyed the Angel holding Units 01 and > 02 in their doggy style position. Everyone: Urk! Tessa: Disturbing mental images! > As the Angel exploded, the three Eva units were blasted in all directions. Karen: Looks like Team Eva is blasting off again! Morgan: You watch that show?! Karen: Umm, hehe. Oops. > Touji was chasing a glowing Angel through the streets of Tokyo-3 > in his Eva Unit 03 and used his Eva's flexible arms to strangle the > glowing Angel in front of him. Ryan: Would this be a good time to make a Department of Redundnacy Department joke? Morgan: Nahh, not blatant enough. I'm wondering how he does that trick with his arms though. I always thought it was part of Bardiel fusing with the Eva. Ryan: Probably just something we're not supposed to question. > With a sickening sucking sound, Ryan: Like the sound of this fic sucking? Tessa: I think it's going to be the official Garden of EVA sound effect. > the Angel's head popped off and a bloody mess fell to the ground. "Cool!" > Touji exclaimed. Morgan: [Touji] I get to act out a scene from Hellstorm! Karen: More bad memories, at least the Voice didn't make us review that one. Morgan: Only because someone else got to it first. > "Oh, that's just sick," Hikari said, holding back her lunch. Karen: Like we were saying... Tessa: [Hikari] Bad Touji! No bento for you! > She then pivoted her Eva Unit 06 quickly to dodge the Angel who was rushing > at her back. With a graceful sweep of her long progressive sword, she > cut the Angel in half. She smirked. Poetry in motion was the best way > to deal with Angels. Morgan: The angel then split into two halves and clobbered her. Ryan: I'm having a really hard time picturing the Class Rep piloting an Eva, top-level candidate or no. > "Nice form, Hikari," Kensuke called out, Karen: Oh- Ryan: My- Morgan: God- Tessa: In- Karen: Heaven- Everyone: NO! > just as he used his Eva Unit 05 Morgan: The Sock Puppet of Doom. > to toss an Angel into an energy barrier that the ground forces > had erected nearby. The Angel exploded along with a chorus of song. Tessa: Ode to Joy? Ryan: Nahh, Chop Suey. > "Hey! Quit hitting on my babe!" Touji snapped. > "I'm not a babe! You Neanderthal!" Karen: Nice knowing you Touji. Shinji had gotten his Eva Unit 01 back to it's feet and was scanning for an Angel to attack. Ryan: Anyone care to explain why there are Angels popping out of the woodwork? > He spotted one advancing on the group > of Evas from his left; he raced off towards it. Karen: Shinji racing towards a fight? That synch training with Asuka must really be working. > "Die!" he screamed, as he grabbed a huge rifle from a nearby ammunition building. Tessa: Shinji's compensating again I see. Morgan: Shall we? Everyone: [Deadpan] Toothpicks. > He swung the rifle up and blasted the Angel repeatedly. The Angel's advance > was slowed by his shots, but not stopped. Ryan: In other words, just like every Angel battle. They made the Prog Knife for a reason you know. > Suddenly, Eva Unit 00 was in front of Shinji. It was facing him > and appeared to be grinning, but that couldn't be. Ryan: Because Unit-00 has no mouth and all. > Shinji was so surprised at it's appearance Morgan: [Shinji] Isn't that Eva a cloud of subatomic particles right now? > that he didn't even get an arm up to block > the knife that Unit 00 thrust deep into his Eva's head. The knife > sliced through the armor of Unit 01's head and projected out the back. Karen: It's Rei III, she's evil I tell you, EVIL! > A dark red liquid oozed out. Shinji saw Unit 00 start to pull his Eva's > arm off just before his controls all went dead and he was left in > darkness. Ryan: [Shinji] Well this is a familiar feeling. > "Damn it! Why did you do that, Rei?!" Shinji shouted, but got no > response since his systems were all dead. Tessa: [Shinji] Ok, who spiked her LCL?! > After he had run through every swear word he knew, Karen: Poot, dang and crud. > and some that he just made up, his entry plug opened up. Shinji crawled out. Morgan: And then crawled into the bottle to escape the fic. > Rei was standing over him in her school uniform. Rei grinned and put her > hand on her hips. Ryan: Hell froze over, pigs flew and Fuyutsuki got a line. > "That's for looking at my panties after school," Rei said, > then added, "Not to mention on my first day of school, too!!!" Morgan: We're in Shinji's weird dream universe... ah hell. Tessa: I might enjoy this. Morgan: You would. > "That was an accident!" Shinji insisted. Karen: If this wasn't AU Shinji that might be believeable. > "Yeah, right. Hikari filled me in on you and the rest of the Idiot > Trio," Ryan: Amazing, someone who doesn't use the ADV 'translation'. > Rei said. "And how in the hell is flipping my skirt up after > school an accident?" Morgan: [Shinji] I'm being cast Out Of Character, give me a break. > "Fine then. If all it cost me was losing a dumb VR game, it was > worth it for a peek at your panties!" Shinji snapped back at Rei, > grinning. "A nice pink lace, with little hearts on them...if I remember > correctly." Tessa: I'd never have figured Rei for wearing pink panties. Ryan: Actually they're plain white. Tessa: And how do you know, pervert. Ryan: It's in the series. Tessa: Oh, yeah. > Rei blushed. He had gotten a good look at them after all. "That's > the last time you'll ever see them! Pervert!" Rei informed Shinji and > stormed out of the game area. Ryan: [Announcer] Ayanami Rei has left the building. > Shinji watched her leave, then was joined by Touji and Kensuke. > "Oh yeah...she has the love jones for me," Shinji said. Tessa: Actually that's just her medication kicking in. > "She hides it well," Kensuke said, smirking. > "So, Shinji...what was it like to hump Asuka?" Touji asked. Ryan: [Shinji] Once she realizes what you're trying to do, painful. Tessa: I have to ask, since Shinji was forced backwards into Asuka, shouldn't SHE have been humping HIM? > "Huh? Oh...that was nothing." > "Tell me about it... I didn't even feel it," Asuka said, as she > walked up behind the Idiot Trio. "But since I have seen you naked it > actually was pretty realistic." Karen: Ouch! Score one for Asuka. > She smiled at Shinji and made her exit. Morgan: [Asuka] Maybe if I walk away slowly I can escape this fic. > "Hey! It was cold this morning!" Shinji shouted at her back. Tessa: Good excuse. > "Bitch," he muttered. > "Okay you three morons! Get out of the game area and we can see > how pitifully you did," Hikari commanded, then herded them out. Karen: [Hikari] Bow to the Queen, lesser mortals! > The next group of Eva pilots crawled into the game entry plugs. > > -E- -V- -A- Ryan: Oooh, an inventive scene break. Tessa: Good, we won't have to work so hard finding witty things to say about rows of asteriks' and dashes. > They all sat in the food court at the shopping center where the > Evangelion game center was. "That was a fun game, until Rei killed me," > Shinji remarked, glaring at Rei. Morgan: [Rei] Was it good for you too, Shin-chan? > Rei stuck her tongue out at Shinji, then leaned in to take a sip > of her drink. She winced in pain as the straw jabbed into her still > extended tongue. She gasped, then rubbed her hurt tongue. Karen: Not too bright, this AU Rei. > The gang all started to chuckle. "Hey, Shinji! Why don't you kiss > Rei's tongue to make it feel better!" Touji said, pushing Shinji closer > to Rei. Ryan: [Shinji] Eeeew! Girl germs! > "Hey! Cut that out!" Shinji exclaimed, taking a lingering look at Rei. Tessa: Given Rei's earlier work with a knife I'd be very careful about saying things like that Shinji. > "If only those Eva units were real. Karen: Spot the irony folks. Tessa: Your Surefire Guide to Quality Literature. Karen: This is quality? Tessa: No, but I wanted to get that line in somewhere. > It'd be really cool to pilot them," Kensuke said, examining a schematic > book of the game Evas. Morgan: And around the world millions of people agreed that Kensuke piloting a real Eva would be a Very Bad Thing. Ryan: Read 'Cruel Lina's Thesis' have we? > "I guess, but Shinji would want his to be anatomically correct," > Asuka remarked. Tessa: But the Evas are already anatomically correct for Shinji. > "I already said that was an accident!" Shinji insisted. > "Shinji loves Asuka. Shinji loves Asuka!" Touji and Kensuke taunted. Morgan: Shinji loves pain. > "Cut that out!" Shinji yelled. > Ignoring the three stooges, Hikari examined their scorecards. > "Looks like Rei beat us all on points scored." Karen: [Misato's Voice} You are number one! Ryan: One moment in the show where I actually switched to the dub. [Shudders] > "How the fuck did she do that?" Asuka screamed, jumping to her > feet and pounding the table. Morgan: She read the clue-book. > "Well, she got a big bonus for killing Shinji," Hikari explained, > pointing to the scorecard. Tessa: No fair, that laser tag game we played took off points for shooting your own team. Karen: And you wonder why we lost... Tessa: [Points at Ryan] His fault. > "Well, that's easy enough to emulate," Asuka remarked, grinning at > Shinji. "Damn. No fair ganging up on me! Asuka, you're just mad because > you're not number one anymore!" Shinji exclaimed. Ryan: [Shinji] You always pick on me, not fair! I'm calling my mommy! [Unit-01's fist crashes through the roof of the arcade] Morgan: [Yui's Voice] You rang? > "Well, we'll see how 'Wondergirl' does in tomorrow's game." > "Tomorrow?" Rei asked. Karen: [Rei] One million Space-Yen... by tomorrow?! Ryan: I shouldn't have let you watch that. > "Well, can't beat me and then not give me a rematch. Can you?" > Asuka asked, then smiled at Rei. Tessa: Which, because this was Asuka, was more of an 'opening your mouth and displaying all your teeth' sort of thing than a normal smile. > "You're on, Asuka," Rei replied, then added, "We can take turns > killing Shinji." Morgan: Please let this not be a darkfic, I hate those. > Shinji grew pale. Karen: Relative to Rei? That takes effort! > Kensuke looked up from the blueprints, adjusted his glasses, and > said, Ryan: [Kensuke] Hmmm, my Gendo impression still needs a little work. > "Maybe I'll use Unit 01 tomorrow. It seems to respond a little > quicker than the later models. > Shinji yelled, "No! I always use Unit 01!" Morgan: [Shinji] Only I get to pilot the big purple angst machine! > "He's so set in his ways, isn't he?" Rei asked Asuka. > "Yeah, but if you hit him hard enough he bends," Asuka quipped. Karen: I thought he'd developed more of a spine in the AU. > Asuka slurped down some sort of gelatinous food, Ryan: i.e. anything found in a school cafeteria. Karen: You call that food? Ryan: My point. > then asked, "Rei...how did you know about Unit 00, anyway? It's not > listed in any of the Eva books." Ryan: Yes it is! Morgan: I've seen your collection; How much did you spend on those, the GNP of a small country? Ryan: Shut up. > "Oh...I used to play Eva down in Osaka-2. One of the Eva-heads > down there discovered the secret prototype Eva in the program," Rei > explained, awkwardly. Tessa: As you'd expect, Rei's not used to speaking more than ten words an episode. > "Is that how you found out how to override the lockout on killing > your teammates?" Touji asked. > "Yup. Just wait till you see what I show you tomorrow," Rei said, > smiling knowingly. Morgan: Somehow I don't think _I_ want to know. > -E- -V- -A- > The gang walked home from the mall, Ryan: Eyes peeled in case the Bloods showed up on their turf. > Rei and Hikari brought up the rear. "So...is Asuka really Shinji's girlfriend?" > Rei asked Hikari,softly. Karen: [Hikari] Nahh, their relationship is more Asuka and doormat. > Hikari replied, "Not that I know of. They just grew up together." Morgan: Hmm, where have I heard that line before? Ryan: To Heart, Comic Party, Chrono Cross, El Hazard, Boys Be, Last Exile- Morgan: You don't have to list them all... > Upon hearing this, a small smile crossed Rei's face. She looked at > all of the cute butts in front of her as she walked. Karen: Umm, something just occured to me. Rei's at the back of the procession right? Tessa: Yep. Karen: And she said that all of the butts in front of her were cute, right? Tessa: So? Karen: Think about that for a second. [Pause] Tessa: Ack! Asuka... and Kensuke... in front of her... Morgan: If anything comes out of that I'm going to borrow your sword and hack my way through the wall to get out of here! > She wore a large smile by the time she got home. Everyone: And we wore long faces as we contemplate where this might be going. > "I'm home!" Rei called out as she walked in her front door. > Tessa: [Rei] Oh wait, I forgot. I live alone. > "Welcome home, Sis!" Ritsuko replied. Ryan: Ritsuko... as Rei's sister? Morgan: How the hell did that happen, Ritsuko's twice Rei's age. Tessa: There's a certain irony in having Rei's mother be the same person that killed Rei I in the series. Morgan: Yeah, a really sick irony. > "Mom's still at her new job, Tessa: [Ritsuko] 'Servicing' Shinji's father. > so it's microwave lasagna again." > "Can't you just nuke a different instant meal for once, Big > sister?" Rei called back, as she pulled her school uniform off. Ryan: It's an Eva fanfic so of course Rei has to take her clothes off at least once per chapter. Karen: [Ritsuko] No, they won't let me borrow the Positron Rifle for household chores. > "No," Ritsuko replied, poking her head into Rei's room. "How was > your first week at the new school?" Ryan: [Rei] It sucked. Tessa: [Ritsuko] That's nice dear. > "Not bad. I met some kids...they are a little strange, Karen: That's putting it mildly. > but nice...I guess," Rei said. > "Any cute boys?" > "Err...maybe," Rei replied, blushing. Morgan: [Rei] Maybe if you're drunk... Karen: What's wrong with Shinji? Morgan: In the series he's ok, here he's a pervert. > Ritsuko smiled. "What's his name?" Tessa: [Rei] Kaworu. Ryan: Don't jinx it, maybe he'll be spared an appearance in this fic. > "No, it's not that...honestly," Rei insisted. > "Right," Ritsuko replied, unconvinced. "What did you do after > school?" Karen: She's only asking now after the first week is over? Ryan: This is Ritsuko we're talking about here. > "Me and the gang went and played Neon Genesis Evangelion at the > mall." Ryan: [Rei] Then we went and had a good 'ol turf war and I used my gat to pop a few caps in some asses. Tessa: You suck at doing gangster impressions. Ryan: Bite me. > Ritsuko raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Already 'The Gang', huh? > Did you tell them that your mother designed that game and you probably > have more hours in the entry plug than anyone else in the world?" Karen: You know, I can almost see how that fits with Naoko's character... almost. > "No, it didn't come up." Rei grinned, mischievously. Morgan: The good old excuse by omission. > -E- -V- -A- > "I'm home!" Shinji called as he walked into his family's > apartment. > "Welcome home, Shinji!" his mom called back. Ryan: [Yui] How many times did Asuka clobber you today? Morgan: [Shinji] Just once mom, but I got knifed by an albino girl who for some reason looks a lot like you. > Shinji tossed his books into his room, went to the kitchen, and > rummaged through the refrigerator. Tessa: And found that it was STILL full of nothing but beer and instant ramen. > "Shinji, don't spoil your appetite. Dinner is in an hour," his > mother informed him. > "Okay, Mom," Shinji replied, but kept looking through the refrigerator. Karen: He stopped when he noticed that the lunch meat had attained sentience and was fighting for control of territory with the coleslaw. > "Nag, nag, nag," he muttered, as he pulled out a can of > soda out and a leftover pork bun. > He inhaled the pork bun, Tessa: Next time try using your mouth instead. > then thought that he should have nuked it first. He chugged down the soda > on his way to the bathroom. He washed up and then sank his body into the tub. Ryan: He then remembered that he wasn't Ryoko; He got out of the tub, filled it and then sank into the water. Much more relaxing that way. > He sat silently with his eyes closed. Tessa: And his hands on his- Karen: How about not. > "Is this really the world you want?" a female voice said. > Shinji opened his eyes and saw Rei standing over him. Naked. Tessa: Told you. Morgan: Are we going to have to sit through another 'Do you want to become one with me' sequence? Karen: Dunno. Hey Ryan, are you drooling? Ryan: Uhh, whoops! > "Rei!" Shinji gasped, then tried to cover himself. Then he > realized that he wasn't in the bathroom anymore, although he was still > naked. Karen: Please let this not turn into a Shinji/Rei lemon. Please please please. > "What's going on?" he asked, as he rose to his feet and scanned > the large empty theater he found himself in. Ryan: [Shinji] Hey, I'm back here. How about we get Misato, Kaji and Fuyutsuki here so I can learn to care about myself and we can end this nightmare? Morgan: No such luck. > "Your world isn't perfect," another female voice said, behind him. > Shinji looked back at Asuka, who was also naked. Tessa: This smells of bad setup. > She hadn't been there when he looked around the room a few seconds earlier. > "Asuka? But...my mom is alive Morgan: [Yui] You call this living? > and I don't have to see my friends die and don't have to pilot a real Eva > and I don't have to kill and even my dad seems human. It seems perfect to me." Ryan: Of course the entire point of the alternate universe sequence was to show Shinji that he didn't need the Evas at _all_ in order to have a meaningful existence. > Rei said softly, "There is no perfect world. You created this > world with what you considered a set of perfect conditions." Morgan: Then why's Asuka worse than she was in the TV series? > "But after that initial starting point everything will start > changing as people interact with each other," Misato said, from > Shinji's left. Karen: Are we trying to be profound here? Tessa: Seen it already, next! > Rei added, "No person is an island." Tessa: Island no, but when it comes to mountains... > Shinji looked at Misato and wasn't too surprised that she was also > naked. "Seems okay to me so far." Karen: Shinji's in a room with three naked girls, shouldn't he be passed out by now? > "But, it's not real," Asuka said. > "Reality bites! I'll take this...no...I'll take *MY* world any > day!" Shinji exclaimed. Ryan: Umm, the world he wished for was empty except for him. Karen: Details. > All three of the women faded out saying, "We'll see." > Shinji awoke from the dream he was having about the new girl. Karen: And if anyone knows what just happened here, please tell me. > "Rei has a naughty side, apparently." He grinned, as he remembered the > whipped cream all over her body. Tessa: Goodbye Shinji we know and pity, helloooo pervert boy. > "Shinji, dinner!" his mom called from outside the bathroom. > "Coming!" Shinji replied, then got up and dressed. Morgan: He was in the bath for an hour? Tessa: It was a really involved dream. > [End - Garden of EVA 0:1] > ======================================================================= Morgan: And on that note it looks like it's over for now. Voice: Not quite, you've got some 'bonus' stuff to read first. > Neon Genesis Evangelion > Virtual Reality Experience Simulator (VRES) Karen: It includes force feedback to simulate the deep fear, loneliness and the occasional sensation of being torn apart limb from limb. > Evangelion Unit Data Ryan: Based on the new ASIJMU system. Tessa: What's that supposed to mean? Ryan: 'A Statistic I Just Made Up' > Eva Unit 00 - Prototype/Modified Model Ryan: Proto Type actually. Morgan: Picky picky. > (disabled on commercial game systems) > Color: Blue Ryan: No, it's orange, 00' was blue. Tessa: Fanboy. > Design date: June 16, 2014 Karen: If this was anything close to canon that date's off by a good decade. > Eye configuration: One > Armor: Dual-polymer titanium (38 metric tons) Tessa: Refined Bullshitium actually Ryan: And it wasn't really armor. > Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knives in shoulder holsters Ryan: Just the left shoulderblade actually. Morgan: And you know this how? Ryan: Those books weren't the only things I spent money on. Morgan: Waste forty dollars on the Eva-04 model did you? Ryan: Hey! It's a nice model. Morgan: Suuuuuure. > Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, and 3 manual weapons > AT field generator power: 135x2 Everyone: [Makes a sound suspiciously like 'Bullshit' while coughing] > Response time delay: 30 milliseconds Karen: Delay between plug entry and mental trip: 6 seconds. > Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage Ryan: He's off by a factor of two. > Special equipment: Mono sighting scope, for long range > targeting > Invincible mode for debugging purposes Tessa: Ok, who left the God-mode cheat on? > Eva Unit 01 - Testtype/Modified Model Ryan: Te- Tessa: Don't start again. > Color: Purple > Design date: July 12, 2014 > Eye configuration: Two > Armor: Dual-polymer titanium (44 metric tons) > Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters > (1) Head horn can be removed and used as > sword or spear Tessa: Or to compensate for the 'anatomical correctness' of Shinji. Ryan: You HAD to bring that up again didn't you? > Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, and 3 manual weapons > AT field generator power: 145x2 > Response time delay: 21 milliseconds > Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage Morgan: Not counting that little S2 engine. > Special equipment: Invincible mode for debugging purposes > (disabled on commercial game systems) > > Eva Unit 02 - Production Model > Color: Red > Design date: September 1, 2014 > Eye configuration: Four Tessa: I'm trying to resist the urge to make a 'four-eyes' joke here. > Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (48 metric tons) Karen: Heavier and stronger armor than Eva-00 or 01, even though it seems weaker in the series? Ryan: He's making it up, remember, > Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters Ryan: Don't forget the needle pack Morgan: That was the movie remember, the author hasn't seen it. Ryan: What with all the nudity I'd kinda forgotten. > Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons Tessa: Including the newly developed Middle Figer Salute system. > AT field generator power: 130x2 > Response time delay: 42 milliseconds > Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage > Special equipment: Two mouths with razor sharp fangs Morgan: BZZZZZT! Wrong fic, Unit-02 doesn't have a mouth, much less two. Ryan: Blame it on some idiot on the web making up the story about the Barons of Hell for that bit of misinformation. > ======================================================================= > Author's notes/ramblings: > > In the beginning, there was darkness. Tessa: And then there was GAINAX, and it created Bounce and said that It Was Good. > Then the author pressed the fast-forward button on his remote control and > fast-forwarding past the devilish commercials at the beginning of the > thirteenth Neon Genesis Evangelion videotape. Ryan: The reader then said 'Screw this, I'm buying the DVD version so I don't have to listen to Spike Spencer's whining'. > And the author beheld what the creators were > working up to for the past 24 episodes. Morgan: And was in for a rude surprise if he expected a traditional ending. > And the author was confused. Tessa: As were many people, most of us however did not write crappy fanfics as a result of our confusion. > Therefore, the author watched the tape > once again. And, alas, the author was still confused. Everyone: We'd noticed. > However, on the third viewing the author latched onto a brief > five-minute piece of inspiration. The author tried to sleep as an idea > for a twisted fanfic floated in his head. Karen: Twisted is right, and we're only one chapter in. > The next morning, the author mumbled something about why didn't they > end the story with the alternate world. Ryan: Because then Shinji wouldn't come to his realization and wouldn't ascend to a new level of existence with the rest of humanity maybe? Morgan: Is that what happened in the TV ending? Ryan: Honestly I'm not sure, but that's one way of looking at it. > He then realized that would > have been a major cop out on the creators' part. Then with a burst of > light and angelic music, Tessa: Arael showed up and forced the author to sit through the entire un-MSTed Delta Invasion and Hellstorm as punishment for writing this fanfic. > he realized that what was fanfic authors were for. Ryan: To project their fantasies on someone else's characters and world. > To cop out. Or cop a feel. Everyone: [Groans] > Divinely inspired, our noble and handsome fanfic author Tessa: Full of ourself are we? > put data to disk. He composed a short 8k story based on the aforementioned five > minutes of episode 26. A scant hour and a half later, the story was > sent to the FFML. Karen: So that's how much thought he put into this, I wondered... > The author jumped in his jeep and drove to the coast to get some sun. Morgan: He then died in a bizzare accident involving a Redwood tree, a rabid deer, three boxes of Oreos, a tribble and a colony of bees. > Two sunburned legs later, the author returned to find his holy mailbox > was full. Ryan: With spam. > And it was good. > > But how to expand on this story, for it had no angst. It was a > 14-year-old boy's perfect world. The author pondered for two sunsets > and two more viewings, then arrived at the solution. Morgan: It's causing us plenty of angst, was that what you had in mind? > Our saintly author put more data to disk and rewrote the story to > provide for more action, more bad language, more nudity, and tossed in > a dream that set the tone for the series. Angst this. Karen: If that theater sequence is setting the tone for the entire series I'm scared. > The pre-readers and FFML agreed. Mostly. Tessa: Would this be a good time to make a crude comment about the quality of people found on that list? Ryan: Always. > And thus a new series joined the busy author's masterpiece, Childhood > of a Modern Dynasty. <--blatant plug. > > And it was good. <--blatant ego trip Karen: At least it's not a self-insertion. > And then the author changed the title of the series from 'Reality > Bites' to 'Garden of EVA'. > > This Bites. Tessa: Yes it does. > No, that is the name of the next part. This part is called Reality > Bites. > > Stop before your ramblings are larger than the story. > > Yes, Rei. Everyone: ?? > -E- -V- -A- > Unlike my big series, Childhood of a Modern Dynasty, this one isn't as > tightly plotted, Karen: Some remedial classes on Cartesian Geometry could fix that problem. > but I do have an mental image of where this series will lead. Tessa: The garbage? > I just don't know how long it'll take me to get there and > how many parts it will be (much the same as CMD). This series will be > in small parts (between 15k and 20k). I can't handle another big series > of 60k to 100k chapters right now. Besides, the small parts for this > series seems to work well Ryan: For us too, easier on our sanity. > (of course I've only done two part as of this writing, so who knows). > The up side is that I'll probably have more parts in a shorter time span. Morgan: [Author] And that's a threat! > Sorry (sort of) about the language in this series, but it is keeping > with the five minute alternate world Shinji envisioned in episode 26. Ryan: No, not exactly. > Considering that world is based on a 14-year-olds idea of an ideal > world, it's understandable they would all have potty mouths and raging > hormones. Karen: This author obviously has never been 14 in his life. Tessa: And you were perfect I assume. Karen: Compared to you I was probably a saint. Tessa: [Pauses] Probably right. > The specifications for the game Evas are similar to the real Evas, but > not exactly the same. Ryan: 'Not exactly' meaning 'not at all'. > More specifications will appear in the next part. > I'd like to thank all the FFML members who commented on the rough > drafts and also my pre-readers: Ryan Erik, David Johnson, Nlson31, and > Antookis. Ryan: Remember these names everyone, they'll be on the test. [Tessa is copying the names down] I was joking. Tessa: This list is the names of people I'm hunting down once Voice lets us leave. Ryan: Oh. > Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Morgan: Ok, start with trying to get Shinji right and work your way up from there. Voice: And now the fic is done. Ryan: So, want our reviews? Voice: No... Tessa: This doesn't sound right, why not? Voice: Well, you've got a few more parts left... Tessa: How many? [Pause] Tessa: [Unsheathing her sword] How many Voice? Voice: Ummm, thirty more. [Everyone falls off the couch] Karen: Thirty more chapters of this? Ryan: Shhhhh, maybe if we just lie here it'll all go away like a bad dream. Voice: Nice try. You can get up now, your work's done for today. Karen: Tessa, why don't you go and check the fridge? Tessa: Yeah yeah [Walks over to the kitchen]. Ryan: Is anyone else not looking forward to the next chapter? Karen: Me. Morgan: Well so far it's neither self-insertion nor crossover, so I imagine that it can't be as horrible as some of the other fics we've done. Ryan: Let's hope. [The sound of metal shearing apart can be heard from the kitchen, when everyone runs over to check they find Tessa holding her sword over a mangled heap that used to be the refrigerator] Karen: I assume there's an explanation for this? Tessa: Which one of you left the Chinese takeout in there? Morgan: That would be me, why? Tessa: It was moving. Morgan: And you couldn't have just tossed it out? Tessa: Well I could have, but this felt way better. Besides, Voice has to pay all the bills for this place anyways. Karen: Maybe we should just leave for now, I think everyone's a little edgy. Ryan: Fine by me. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to read my manga and try to forget about all of this for a while. [Everyone walks out] Voice: [Sigh] This fanfic could get very expensive... ----------------------------- > he realized that what was fanfic authors were for. To cop out. Or cop a feel.