From: "Juliet A. Youngren" To: "Tim McLees" Subject: The GateMaster, Part 1 Date: Friday, November 30, 2001 12:23 AM THE GATEMASTER, Part 1 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): Melvin Pollack, Valeria, Jim Whaley, and Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren [Turn your lights down ... unless this is a Gameboy Advance.] [Boot up your system. Insert game disc 1.] [No opening song or door sequence. Instead, we open directly on Deep 13. It is dark, with wavy effects for surrealism.] Mike: Uh, Dr Forrester? Hi, I'm Mike Nelson. Dr F: Who? Mike: The temp. I'm here to do the evil audit. Dr F: Oh, yes, yes.... Well, I must say that this interruption is rather.... Mike: I know. Time consuming. But you have to understand. We need to make sure that you're still evil. Dr F: Yes, yes. But first, would you look at that spot over there? [Mike looks. Dr F knocks him out with a mallet.] Dr F: That evil enough for you? [Shot of rocket heading to SOL.] Tom: Well, looks like we've got to break out the top bunk. Crow: So, what are you in for, pal? [Shot of Dr F.] Dr F: Welcome to my lair, where I, Doctor Clayton Forrester, now hold you prisoner. I control your oxygen and food supply and keep you alive for one purpose! Mike: My vast knowledge of Wayne Newton music? Dr F: Okay, for two purposes. But I will use you in my psychological experiments, and when I find the device that can turn your brain to mush, I will destroy you and counquer the planet! Mwa, ha, ha! I'm a naughty boy, a naughty boy.... Tom: Now, that's scary. Crow: What a dickweed. [Scenes from the CC finale] Pearl: Now that my dear Clayton is a star baby, I have a chance to start from the beginning. That is, if I have the time. [Scenes from SF premiere] Mike: A planet where Apes evolved from men? Pearl: I swore as I pressed the pillow on my dear Clayton that I would avenge his death. After being cryogenically frozen, I am ready to keep the experiments alive. [Scene from "The Deadly Mantis"] Obs: You are like an ameoba to us. Crow: Hey! I am way more advanced than an ameoba, pal! [Scene from Season 9 premiere] Mike: We made it! We're back in 20th century earth, in our own universe! [Scenes from SF finale] Mike: We...we're going home. We did it! Well, okay, we didn't do it, but it was done by somebody! [Scene of M&TB in Wisconsin apartment.] Mike: We're free. We're finally.... [Screen goes dark] Dr F: Don't bet on it. [Shot of Dr F close up.] Dr F: Thanks to the powers I received as a Star Baby, I was able to enter another realm beyond your comprehension. And now.... [Shot of Mike, strapped to a chair, shaking in mortal fear] Dr F: [v.o.] Now, the experiments shall begin anew! [As Dr F laughs maniacally, the camera moves to reveal that Mike is watching a TV playing "Revenge of the Creature." Slowly, the camera pans back until there are a hundred TVs in view, each with a different already-MiSTed movie. The screens then change to a composite image of Crow.] Crow: Honey! Wake-up call! [Shot changes to image of Mike in bed, waking up. Crow's beak is three inches from his nose. Suddenly, Mike snaps awake, and both scream.] [End of first scene. Pressing Start Key skips the above segment, and the next two scenes.] [Mike walks into the living room area, wearing a jumpsuit-like pajamas. Crow follows. He looks the same, but the viewer can see his legs. His voice is back to the CC mode.] Crow: Gee, Mike. You don't have to get so snippy. Mike: I'm sorry. It's just.... Crow: The flashback nightmare again? Mike: Yeah. Except even more vivid. I wish I knew what it means.... Tom: [O.S.] I told you what it means, based on Fruedian psychology methods with a Jungian flavor and Dr Laura seasonings. Mike: Tom, for the last time, it does not mean sex. [Pan to the kitchenette area. Tom is really floating, with his hoverpad glowing a bright orange. His "crystal ball" head is adorned with a Geordi-like visor, but a light travels back and forth along the visor. The ball is also filled with a black liquid. His hands and arms now work.] Tom: Oh, sure. Deny your Stockholm syndrome turned father figure attachment turned strange psychotic fetish. But one thing is clear. [Oven timer rings] Breakfast is served. Mike: You made breakfast? Tom: That's right. For Crow and myself, Eggs au Ramchip with a bed of copper wires, rice pilaf, and a creamy oil hollaindaise.... Crow: Oh, boy. [He sits down and picks up his knife and fork.] Tom: [Serving Mike] And a simple sunny-side-up with toast for the wimp that never wants to try anything new. Mike: Mmm. Smells good. Now all I need is.... Tom: [The liquid in his ball starts to boil.] Coffee? Coming right up. [He leans over toward Mike and opens his mouth. The black liquid exits through his mouth into Mike's glass.] Well, drink up. Mike: Uh, thanks. Crow: Say, Servo? What's the occasion? They finally throw out that imposter President and bring back Gore? Tom: [under breath] You wish, Clinton-lover. [Suddenly cheery] No, this is a time to remember our victory over the forces of evil. Mike: Hey, that's right. It's the one month anniversary of our escape. No longer trapped in a satellite, we're free to do as we wish, never to watch bad movies again.... Cambot: Excuse my interruption, but you have two new messages coming through. Action 8 News wants you to come in early to reshoot your review of "The Gift" and to screen "Sugar and Spice." The Washington Post is still waiting for your freelance review on "The Wedding Planner." Would you care to take the messages? [Doorbell rings] Mike: I'll take Action 8 first. Line one. [Picks up phone.] Tom: Can you get that? My diodes need to be turned. Crow: Yeah, yeah, yeah.... Mike: Hello? Mister Grant, good to talk to you. I'm really.... Crow: Mike, can you come here? The guy says it's important. Mike: This is important, too. Crow: Well, he says he's selling Amway products.... Mike: Amway? Mister Grant, got to go! Thanks! [Hangs up and runs to the door.] Oh, boy. I've been waiting for... The hell? [In the door is a man that looks like he crawled through a war zone on his lips. He is Michael Wolfe.] MW: Are you...Michael J. Nelson? Mike: Yeah. [Pause] Must be really popular Amway products, huh. MW: Yeah. You can view...them...over there.... [Mike turns away. MW hits Mike with a mallet. Fade to black.] [End of second scene.] [Shot of SOL coverted into spaceship. It glides as "song intro music" cues. The ship is highly retrofitted, with warp nacelles on the shaft's sides. It "warps" out just as the singing begins.] Chorus: In the not-too-distant future. One week from now, AD, Mike Nelson and his Robot Pals Thought they achieved victory. But they didn't count on Dr Forrester The evil man dead set to rule the world. He faked his death, vanished, put his plan in place. Now our heroes must follow him To the depths of Cyberspace.... Crow: [Normal] Course set for alt.troll. Mike: [Normal] Engage! Tom: [singing] We'll read this cheezy epic. Crow: And search it all for clues. (La, la, la.) MW: We'll find the devils, down in puzzle levels Where we can't afford to lose. (La, la, la.) Mike: Now keep in mind we can't control Where the game begins or ends. (La, la, la.) So it's up to you to save the Universe Chorus: With the help of our robot friends. Robot Roll Call.... Cambot (I've been cloned.) Gypsy (Lara Who?) Tom Servo (Next Generation.) Croooowwwww (I'm Back!) Chorus: Now don't forget to often save. And other player facts. (La, la, la.) Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a game. I should play this to relax." On Mysteryyyyyyy (Mystery, mystery) Science Theateeerrrrr (Doobie, doobie) 3K64 (bass: Mystery Science Theater Three-Kay-Six-Fourrrrr) [End of third scene.] [Main Menu, with new, load, settings, etc.] [Click New Game] [Cambot activates, giving a slowly-focusing shot of the bridge. Mike and the Bots are starting to pull out of it. Mike has his jumpsuit, but it is now adorned with a black collar and red flight jacket.] Crow: Ooh, I haven't had such a headache since the Ricky Martin Impersonators convention. Tom: That's the last time I play "taser" catch. Mike: Everybody all right? Tom: Hey, nice threads. Crow: Glad to see you're still after the Red Baron. Mike: Ha ha. Knock it off. Cambot, are you...Cambot? [Cambot turns to the right, and then to the left, to show two similar "Cambot clones" recording the action.] Cambot: Looks like someone's done some redecorating. [Behind them, the turbolift door opens. A beautiful and bosomy digitized woman (all video games are required by law to have at least one) comes through the lift.] Mike: We've got to find out what's going on. Tom: Well, I know what I want to investigate. Heh, heh. Hello, beautiful. Ready to pay the Tom Servo Turbolift Toll? Gypsy: Get out of my way, Servo. I mean it. Crow: Yipe! Gypsy? MW: [comes out of lift] Now that you're all here and awake, I can explain.... Tom: Why you're a jerk? Crow: Why you kidnapped us? Mike: Why I shouldn't shove you out an airlock? MW: Er...Those are the related topics, yes. Mike: Where are we, anyway? It looks like you stole the Enterprise bridge...and put it on the old satellite? MW: That's correct. This is the Starship Of Amorous Relations, or SOAR. I've converted your old satellite into a...cyberspace rocket ranger. We are traveling through my home--and what you call the internet--by the way. Mike: So these are really representations of the world wide web? MW: In a nutshell. Tom: So this ship is... MW: A data packet. Crow: And those stars.... MW: IP server locations. Cambot: And those warships coming at us very quickly. Gypsy: And this communique that they're "Forrester's Flighters" and they want to kill us? MW: Uh... That's real. All: AIEE!!!! [Space battle level 1-1 of game.] Crow: We survived. Tom: But there's a message coming in. It looks like an epic of an epic, a tsunami of sound and fury, signifying nothing.... Gypsy: Worse. It's the Universe's longest Sonic Self-Insertion fic, written by...Michael Wolfe... [Everyone looks at MW] MW: Yeah, it's mine. And it's...bad. Mike: How bad? MW: You have life insurance, right? [Lights flash.] MW: I never disconnected the theater. The flighters are piping the fiction there and activating the SOL's old code. We've got to get into the theater before the oxygen runs out... Mike: Great. Freedom was achieved, and we still have FANFIC SIGN!!! [Mike and the Bots run out of the room.] MW: Forgive me for lying about the oxygen, but it is imperative that we view that text. The fate of two universes is at stake. And if you think I'M going to read that dreck, forget it. [Shot of M&TB running through the halls into the airlocks.] [6: A brick wall. You bounce tennis balls against it until it disappears.] [5: A keycard door, like in Duke3D. You realize you left the card at home but the friendly guard lets you in.] [4: Star Wars style blast doors. You tell them to open and close until it tells you to get Han Solo yourself.] [3: A time tunnel. You go through it several times.] [2: A large mushroom. You jump on it until you reach the ledge above.] [1: A glowing light, like in Zelda64, that transports you into the theater.] Tom: Hey, he's not here! The bastard lied to us! Mike: When I get my hands on him.... Crow: The movie's starting! Mommy, make it stop! > |<---------------------Optimal Viewing Size---------------------->| Tom: You must be this wide to read the fanfic. > > THE GATEMASTER Crow: Sigourney Weaver? Mike: No, Crow, she was the Gate *Keeper*. Crow: Oh. Rick Moranis. Mike: No, he was the *Key* Master. Crow: Maybe this is their unholy union. > A SONIC FAN-FICTION > > "...AND THE AWARD FOR THE LONGEST FAN-FICTION GOES TO..." Tom: Please, don't tell me. Crow: Well, why else would that quote be in here? Mike: Hope you brought a pillow. > > PRODUCED AND DIRECTED Tom: Well, let's be optimistic. At least there's direction, so how bad can it be? > > Michael Wolfe > David Gonterman Crow: David Gonterman--he's one of the guys who wrote "The Rangers of NIMH," isn't he? Mike: Mmm, yeah...think so. Crow: Hmm. Tom: Interesting. So what do you think, arsenic or cyanide? Mike: Cyanide. Much quicker. Tom: I meant *them.* Mike: [sighing wearily] At this point, either way works just *fine* for me. > > SPECIAL THANKS TO Crow: All the little people I stepped on to produce this fanfic. > The Citizens of Knothole Village All: [Laugh] Tom: [author] They were so nice to give me direction during my acid trips. > National Aeronautics and Space Administration Mike: [author] For not sending me into space in a planned bizzare experiment. > LucasArts Industrial Light and Magic Crow: [author] For taking so long to produce Star Wars 1 and making it such a bomb that I had enough free time to write this fanfic. > Paramount Studios Tom: [author] They really didn't do anything to help me, but I just love "Dilbert." > Archie Comic Publications, Inc. Mike: [author] Who promised me dates with Betty and Veronica. > Mystery Science Theater Mike: What the hell is that? Crow: I think it's something the Voyager crew does. Tom: So that's the reason he thanked Paramount. My bad. > Michael Neylon Crow: Hey. You think he's a distant cousin? Mike: Could be. I seem to recall some Nylons in the family tree. > and Tom Currie, et al. Tom: [singing] Mike Neylon, Tom Currie, and all, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all! > A Brave and Daring Cadre of MiSTers Tom: That's MiSTer Daring Cadre to you, pal. [From somewhere in the back of the theater, we hear a crashing, thunderous wave of applause. All look around in complete confusion.] Crow: Is that for us? Mike: [shaking his head] Somebody out there *really* loves Archie Comics... > Caffeine Crow: It's official. The guy is definitely an engineer. Mike: Wow, with all these contributions this oughta be one hell of a fanfic. Tom: No one said they were contributions, Mike. > > THE STARRING CAST Crow: Oh, my God! It's so long that they need a program! Mike: Relax. I'm sure they just borrowed the credits scene from some Ratliff story. > ( IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE ) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > Sonic the Hedgehog The Hero Mike: For those of you just joining in. Crow: [muttering] A blue cartoon hedgehog is our "hero"? Tom: Yeah--kind of in the same way that temping three afternoons a week for your Uncle Roy is a "job." > Miles "Tails" Prower Sonic's Side-kick Tom: Hey. It's a DS9/"Spy that Shagged Me" crossover. Mike: [Powers] We need some juice in my torpedo tube, baby. Crow: [Powers] Hey, wanna see how I handle my "Tails?" Tom: Oh, behave. > Sally Elicia Acorn Princess Crow: What she is a princess of is not important. Mike: Elicia? Tom: [Solo] Whatever you say, Princess. > Sir Charles Hedgehog Sonic's Uncle Chuck Crow: Ground Hedgehog? Those "Redneck Cookbooks" are getting out of hand. > Tiyakitna All: Gesundheit. Mike: Hmm ... A-N-T-I-K-A-Y-I-T ... nope. Tom: Hmm? Mike: Every time I see a funny-looking name I read it backward. Ratliff syndrome. > Member of the Wolfpack Mike: A cooler brand of cigarettes. > Nya Swiftpaw Crow: We are the knights who say Nya! Mike: Is that "Nye-a" or "Nee-a"? Tom: I'm pronouncing it "Nyaah." > Member of the Wolfpack Mike: Those are just made up! What about Diablo and Canus and Reynard? Tom: You're scaring me, Mike. > Julian Ivo Robotnik The Villain All: [monotone] Boo. Mike: This is just like the credits for a Western. > Commander Packbell Crow: Who later changed his name to Packard Bell. > Robotnik's Android 'Son' Mike: [Packbell] You're not my father! > Lupe Wildwolf Crow: Loopy the Wolf? Now it's a Hanna-Barbarra Crossover! Mike: [Loopy] I'm really a good wolf. I'll prove it by acting really stupid in a pathetic attempt for friendship. > Leader of the Wolfpack Tom: And now it's a Grease crossover. > Snively All: Gasp! Mike: It IS a western! Crow: [Dudley DoRight] Snively Whiplash? I've got to warn Nell! > Robotnik's Nephew Crow: So that makes him Packbell's cousin. > Skye Darian Montgomery Wolfe Crow: Wait...those are two different names. Mike: Well, now they're showing the real credits. That's the name of the actor. Tom: A boy named Skye? I'd rather be a boy named Sue. Crow: "Skye Wolfe." Strong enough for a man, but feminine enough for a woman. > Dr. Burt Cranston Skye's best friend Tom: And brother to The Shadow. > Destiny The Spirit of Nature, Gaia Crow: Hey, no one said this was a Captain Planet crossover too! Mike: This is getting weirder and weirder. > Rick MacTeague Skye's legal guardian Tom: I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel. > Darla MacTeague Rick's estranged wife Tom: I'm wide awake and I can see my perfect Skye is torn. > Andrew Cranston Burt Cranston's son Mike: I wonder if they sell family trees like "Gasoline Alley." > Tamara Diana Wolfe Skye's sister Crow: [Costello] So, you gonna tell me her sister's name? Tom: [Abbott] Tamara. Crow: [Costello] Why can't you tell me today? Mike: The "Who's on First" sketch, for those of you from another planet. > Eric, David, Ryan Skye's friends Tom: And apparently unworthy of having last names. > Principal Penkey Headmaster of > Regent High School Mike: If the writing implement fails, you should use your secondary pen key. > Dr. Emmett Pulaski Rachel's father Crow: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Now it's a TNG/Back to the Future crossover! Tom: After tiring of that teacher babe, Dr Drown marries the failed doctor of the second season. Mike: [Doc] I have to change my name? Great Scott! > Rachel Rachel Tom: Oh, that helped a lot. Thanks. > Karin Pulaski Mike: [Doc] We missed a line. We have to send ourselves... Back to the future! > Brandon Braun Nate MacLeod Crow: After being wanted by the police for murdering several immortals, he hid out using a dozen aliases.... > Trevor Devon Nedry Tom: Oh, great. Now it's a Jurassic Park crossover. Mike: [Hammond] You still have some explaining for the computers' failures.... Crow: [Nedry] Give me a break. I needed to tie in six systems.... Mike: [Hammond] I don't want excuses. Just results. Crow: [Nedry] In this fanfic? Forget it. > Mrs. Vogalstash Mike: These Volkswagen commercials get weirder every year. > Cranky fossil of > a teacher Crow: As affirmed by a team of anthropologists. Tom: Someone has issues with his education. Mike: You're being force-fed knowlege. Accept it. > Dr. Douglass Wolfe Skye's birth-father Tom: And husband of Virginia Wolfe. But you knew that already. > Dr. Jessica Wolfe Skye's birth-mother Mike: Later, due to a tragic mishap during a gynecology exam, she had to change her last name to Rabbit. > Dubbed Voice of NICOLE I've no clue Mike: At least here he has admitted to the fact that he doesn't have any info on this character. > Bunnie Rabbot Freedom Fighter Mike: No relation to any other characters. She was happy about that. > Sera Davey Krockett's > girlfriend Tom: That's almost as sad as being titled "Picard's Wife." What, she doesn't do anything else? > Antoine De'Coolette Captain of the Royal > Guard Crow: Played by Antsy DoCoolit, Captain of the Scotch Guard. Tom: Repeat after me... "This is a very foolish plan." Crow: [Antoine] "Zees ees a very feulish plan." Mike: That's not nice, you guys. > Kilkalki Member of the Wolfpack Mike: Is this Wolfpack supposed to be the animal version of Power Rangers or something? > Tahkaki Member of the Wolfpack Tom: Nah. The names are obviously indicative of Mortal Kombat. > Bookshire Draftwood David Pistone Tom: We were kind of anticipating him. Mike: Crow, five Washingtons says Davey Krockett is coming up in the next three lines. Crow: You're on! > Ryan Ryan Mike: Redundant Redundant > Huber > Davey Krockett David Gonterman Crow: Aww, darn. Mike: Pay up. > John Skunk Crow: Great. Now it's a Mother Goose crossover. Mike: John Skunk needed no spunk. Tom: As seen from facial tick. > Vigilante Crow: He was so vigilant, he stunk. All: Just like this whole fanfic. > Rock Ursine All: Liked Seven of Nine. Tom: Actually, I'm tired of rhyming. Crow: It makes us all styming. Mike: "Styming"? > Self-proclaimed ethnic > cleanser Tom: Thril as he renounces the evils of Tide and Downy! Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh, yah, for that bathtub ring you need the good *ethnic* cleanser. Crow: [same] Found the Rock Ursine on sale over to the Ben Franklin store. So *reasonable!* > Rotor Tom: Rotor Rooter > Mechanist of Knothole Mike: [Rotor] I canna break the laws of physics. Not unless I go 500 over my original estimate. > Mecha-Sonic Sonic's Robot Replica Crow: [Borg] You will feel nauseous. Resistance is futile. > Sir Kain Tom: Self proclaimed eradicator of Sir Abel. > Eric Goodwin Mike: And now, the National League team of today's All-Star Game.... > This story and it's related characters are protected by Crow: The Cosa Nostra. Tom: 'Cause this is a nice hedgehog fanfic, and you wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to it.... > United > States copyright laws. This story may only be distributed in it's > entirety, as is. Tom: [author] I want to be fully embarrassed. Got it? > It cannot be changed and/or sold for profit. Mike: Well, the second one is definitely true. Just try selling it for profit. Crow: Hey, say what you will, but this is *already* more subtle and resonant than "Coyote Ugly." > My > friends and I have put a lot of work into this. Tom: [author] So anyone who doesn't like it is a jerk and a dink and a big mean poopyhead. > Please enjoy. Tom: [Author] Please? I'll be your best friend. Crow: Do we have to? Mike: Yes, honey. It's what the author is looking for. Crow: Aww... > > Sonic the Hedgehog and the rest of the Mobian population in > this story are the copyright of SEGA, DiC, and Archie Comic > Publications and are the express intellectual property of SEGA of > America, Corp. Tom: Well, good for them. > Thosefurs of especial mention, however, are... All: The hell? Mike: Well, because we're talking about animals, we indicate "those furs." Crow: I get it. And because we're talking about rather stupid animals, they're all especial. Tom: I still think that last sentence needs a "Trp]" somewhere. > > Bookshire Draftwood & Packbell David Pistone > Eric 'Sir Kain' Eric Goodwin > Ryan Ryan Huber Crow: These guys were disowned by SEGA, and are now fugitives from justice. Tom: Is it a requirement to name a character after yourself? > > THANKS goes to ALL OF YOU for making this project POSSIBLE Mike: Like GE. We bring good things to life. > > DISCLAIMER Mike: This story may cause dizziness, nausea and drowsiness. A small number of pregnant women may experience acute side affects.... > Any similarities found in this story between real people, alive or > deceased, Tom: If they find a dead guy, he's dead in a totally different way from other dead guys. > places, property, or institutions were not meant by the > author and are purely coincidental. Crow: The following is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. > No animals were harmed in the > making of this fan-fiction Mike: However, the release of this fanfic did cause immeasurable trauma to a temp worker and two robots. > (with the possible exception of > forgetting to give my dog her share Tom: I'm sorry. You've gotta be real low if you cheated your dog out of the credit and profits. Crow: [Dog] All right. I think the final scene needs a car chase. But don't tell *anyone* I helped you work on this. > of attention as I'm pawing the > keyboard). Mike: Pawing? Crow: He's taking this "anthropomorphic animal" thing waaaaaay too seriously. > Also, discrepancies in the GateMaster that are > contradictory to the established Mobian history, environment, or > personalities residing therein are merely demonstrative of Mike: [author] My laziness toward doing actual research. > diverse > realities. Tom: [author] My mom said that was okay, and she's *way* smarter than you! > In other words, if it doesn't fit, [All of the authors for the MiSTing suddenly materialize in the theater.] All: You must acquit. [All vanish.] Crow: [Sigh] I guess nobody could resist that joke. > it's because it's in a parallel universe. Crow: [author] And if it's completely stupid, it's because my dog ate it. > > CHRONOMINDER ALERT! > > For the sake of clarity, the time tracks of Earth and Mobius Crow: Use the same character for Darien. However, Mobius' Selma is played by a peacock, allowing the show to appear on NBC. > are > synchronized. Tom: Oh, great. A fanfic that makes us synchronize our watches. > 12:00 AM here is 12:00 AM there. Earth uses 12 months, > Mobius uses four seasons. Crow: [author] Earth says "She's all that," Mobius says "Baby is the bomb diggity." > 1999 AD here is 3238 there Crow: Wow. Maybe they're all Jewish. Mike: Crow? Crow: Well, think about it. The Jewish year in our universe is 5760 this September 1999. Maybe it's 3238 in another universe. Tom: Or maybe we're talking "long, long time ago, in a galaxy" populated by Chinese. > either because > they don't have an event separating BC from AD, Mike: Wow. Even Gonterman wasn't willing to claim that right. > or possibly just > because their civilization has been around longer. Tom: Yeah, sure. They're an advanced civilization, yet they don't have iced coffee? Not a chance.... > > THE GATEMASTER MOVIE SEQUENCE Crow: So how far are we into this thing--about ten chapters? Mike: It hasn't started yet, Crow. Crow: Cyanide. Definitely cyanide. > *YOUR IMAGINATION IS NOT INCLUDED* Mike: [author] So if you can't visualize this, it's your fault. > > Filmed in SPAZ/HARVO-VISION and JALEEL-SENSURROUND sound. All: What? Tom: So, the visual effects are from the Wayans and Marx Brothers, and the sound is from Steve Urkel. > > The screen is black. All: [singing] The screen is white! It turns by daaaaaaay, and then by night! Crow: I'm sorry. I just don't have the imagination for that. Mike: Malcolm X was right. Everything IS about race. Tom: For those of you watching, we deeply regret that joke. Please don't call the PC Police.... > From what you perceive as the background of > your super 3D stereo Mike: [stoned] Whoa, I can see the notes coming straight at me. Tom: Of course, following the success of flat screens, the stereo of the future will be nearly two-dimensional. > you hear a sound like a gentle breeze. The soft > whistling sound grows near. Tom: The louder whistling noise grows corn. Perfect for this opening. > The noise isn't music in any sense but > for its natural qualities. Crow: Okay, our music sucks. But it's entirely organic. All: Ooh. Aah. > The wind dies down. Mike: Le Petomaine exits the stage, his career in tatters. Tom: Mike, if this turns into Fantasia, do not take any steps to revive me. > A single note > resonates for two seconds, then nothing. Mike: Well, that was worthwhile. > Six self-harmonious notes > play in succession. Tom: Philip Glass calls, demanding his sound back. > The orchestra begins. The music being played is > an intricate work worthy of the greatest musicians of history. Crow: In a "diverse reality" where the Warren G. Harding Elementary School Recorder Chorus are the greatest musicians of history. > The > song is punctuated by thundercracks. All: Thunder--thunder--thundercracks! HO! Tom: Do you get the impression that this guy's just copping out? Mike: Get to the story already! > > In heart-stopping THX Crow: Sorry, guys. My HMO won't let me watch this. [Gets up to leave] Mike: Sit down. Crow: Fine. But you'd better be willing to talk to my primary care physician. > the screen erupts in a full concert crescendo > that accompanies the sterling white title "THE GATEMASTER". Tom: Minion of Gozer. > The > title flashes as it is glared over one letter at a time. Mike: Dead of cardiac failure, you hardly notice. > The title dissolves into > a specter of light Tom: [Ghost] Who dares beseech me to curse the darkness.... > that rushes out on past the edge of the screen. > The pace of the music speeds up. Crow: The readers, sensing disaster, quickly flee the premises. [He starts getting up; Mike pulls him back into his seat.] > Rays of blue-white light Crow: See! Told you they were Jewish! Mike: Hhm. I guess you were right. Tom: Funny. Tails doesn't look Jewish. > emanate > from the rim of the screen in slow motion speeding up Mike: Oh. They went to Ludicrous speed. Crow: No, that's plaid. Ridiculous speed is colored lines. > to warp speeds Tom: [Picard] Set course to wackiness, warp level 5. Engage. > as they > head toward the center. Mike: Anyone wanna make a "Head towards the light" reference? Bots: Ooh! Me, me! > Then, before they concentrate into a > singularity, Crow: Is that one singularity sensation? Tom: Before forming a singularity, it's waiting for Voyager to show up. > the ring of light rushes away from you. Mike: [Costello] Why? I wash my underwear with the right soap. > You realize > that you're now taking a ride through a supernatural tunnel -a > wormhole. Mike: Then you realize you have no pants on. It's wacky. > As you rush along, the names listed on the affixed credits > page gleam in the darkness, linger, and fade away. Crow: Thus proving that the Prophets have a ridiculous sense of humor. > You suddenly find > the ride spiraling out of control as if sabotaged by a distant alien > force. Mike: It's the Pah Wraiths! All: NOOOOOO!!!!!! Tom: Damn you, Gul Dukat! > You rip through the coruscating lens Tom: Telescope maintenance requires you wipe that off. > of the doorway, launched > head-first into the story. [silence] All: The hell? Crow: Sort of like what they did to Sisko. Only more dignified. > > The planet Mobius was like a paradise Mike: Typo. That should be "parasite." Crow: A paradise compared to *what,* downtown Detroit? Mike: "Diverse reality," Crow. Explains everything. Diverse reality. Tom: Does it explain why we're about twenty pages into this thing and *the story hasn't started yet?* Mike: It's only been a paragraph. Diverse reality. *Only* a paragraph. [Weeps.] > With the benevolent King Acorn as its ruler... Tom: And the mercurial Princess Acorn as its thermometer. > until the coming of the evil Dr. Ivo Robotnik. Crow: After Robotnik reproduced, creating David Kintobor, Mobius just went straight downhill from there. > He conquered the land and its people, Mike: Crow, I let the last one slide. Don't even think about doing this one. Crow: Damn it. > enslaving the populous with an unspeakable technology Tom: Microsoft Bob! Crow: Though he did show mercy to the sparsely settled. > while laying waste to an entire world with industrial > pollution. All: Huh? Crow: So, Mobius was a paradise with industrial pollution covering the world.... Mike: And Robotnik laid waste to it by conquering the land and making them clean it up. Damn that treehugger! Tom: Okay. Now the fanfic makes sense; it's an Ayn Rand novel. > > However, Mike: This is all in a parallel universe so it doesn't really matter. > all has not been lost. Tom: For example, we didn't lose the car keys. Crow: Wow. This really IS a parallel universe. > > A bold group of courageous rebels, Tom: As opposed to a bold group of timid rebels? > led by the daughter of the exiled King Acorn, Mike: Marsha Brady. Bots: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. > has banded together as a brave group of All: Star Wars heroes! > "Freedom Fighters". Tom: Six of one, half dozen of the other.... > > They struggle to overthrow the dictator and one day regain > that which once was theirs. Tom: ...the television remote control. Mike: And to figure out how to keep that arms-for-hedgehogs deal out of the Washington Post. > Among them, the greatest of the Freedom Fighters is the Crow: Whiny Jedi. Tom: I think it's the crazy pilot. > Fastest Thing Alive Mike: Bill Clinton when a woman enters the room. > and way-coolest dude Crow: Could still be Bill Clinton. > on two feet... Tom: Guess Bill Clinton no longer applies. Tony Hawk? Mike: Lance Armstrong? Crow: Senator Chuck Hagel? > > SONIC THE HEDGEHOG All: [monotone] Yaaay. [They get up to leave.] > Tom: Um, don't hedgehogs have *four* feet? Mike: Shh. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [Bridge of the SOAR.] MW: So, how was it? Mike: YOU! MW: Uh, any constructive criticism? Crow: I think that this story would be much better if you shoved it down your pants and set it on fire!! Tom: I get first dibs on biting him! MW: Oh, come on. It was just the first part.... Mike: First part of what? MW: Uh, 25. Crow: Kill me, Mike! Kill me now!! Tom: Maybe we could name each part like the mystery writers. This part would be "A is for Atrocious," the next part is "B is for Belabored," the last part is "Just Y?"... Mike: And you knew about this--and how we DIDN'T need to be in the theater.... MW: Please, you must listen to me. In a few days, Dr Forrester will rule the Omniverse and...and it's all my fault. Crow: Oh, boy. Cue exposition man. Tom: I don't get it. I thought that he was... MW: Well, he wasn't! He faked his death, studied any source that would help him control his star baby form...and wound up here, in the Universe you know as cyberspace. Here, every thought and idea is a pocket of reality.... Mike: You mean that somewhere around here is a place where Marrissa Picard made captain, John Winston is right and Bush makes sense? Crow: Boy that's depressing. Especially the last part. Tom: [mutters something rather mean] MW: He started getting more power, bent several pockets of the universe to his will, and then... Mike: And then he found "GateMeister." MW: It was... I never meant for it to be released or seen by anyone else. It was just a personal project. My entry when I made a bet with my teacher over who could be the bigger time waster. Crow: Well, congratulations on your overwhelming victory.... MW: I lost. Tom: What the hell did she do? Run Nader's campaign? MW: He's developing a machine as we speak. It will beam the story through monitors straight into user's brains. All 25 parts will enter the cerebrum in nanoseconds and the shock will keep everyone's brain off balance long enough to accept suggestive messages. Crow: And he'll use that to take over Earth. Mike: I still don't understand why we had to watch your... MW: We are not alone. A young engineer named Melvin Pollack was able to sneak special code into the files that can be activated by studying story changes. They lead to clues that will allow us to track down each key. The more keys we get.... Tom: The less this video game gets original. MW: For example, we found that the first key lies in the realm of the Guerinverse. Mike: As in Peter Guerin? MW: We can still head there and.... Crow: You head there. We're going back home. MW: Mike, you guys are the only ones that could ever survive this story or defeat Forrester. We... we're afraid. Every other person has failed. You must save us. For your universe's sake. And ours. Mike: [thinking for a bit] Crow, take the conn. Tom, you're at Ops. Gypsy at tactical. Mike...That's going to get confusing... Mike, take science. Tom: Surely you can't be serious.... Gypsy: He's serious and don't call him Shirley. About time I got a funny line in this series. Mike: Set course for the Guerinverse, full steam ahead. [He pulls on his jumpsuit, Picard style. It rips.] Oh, just engage. [Insert Level 1, Scene 2. The Guerinverse portion consists of collecting items through a Japanese library populated by frightening images. It is an RPG-style area that all must search.] [CONTINUED in part 2.]