From: "Juliet A. Youngren" To: "Tim McLees" Subject: The GateMaster, Part 2 Date: Friday, November 30, 2001 12:24 AM THE GATEMASTER, Part 2 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): Melvin Pollack, Valeria, Jim Whaley, and Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren [CONTINUED from Part 1.] All: [Pop in] Gypsy: We made it! Mike: And here's the key. A book about Japanese books. Tom: And look at all the cool stuff we got. A katana, a super- soaker, nut clusters, Daria's bra, a panda necklace.... Crow: Somehow, I have trouble believing that Daria is a Double-D. Say, where can we put this stuff? MW: Oh, let me give you a tour of the collection area. That large box is our total inventory. The small box with the lit bottom is our portable inventory so that discovered items can be beamed back and forth. The large screen shows the collection of Cambot's recordings, the small screen shows the collections of messages, scans, and the on-board encyclopedia, and that flashing light is... All: Fanfic Sign! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > FOX-FIRE STUDIOS PRESENTS Tom: The lamest fanfic ever created! Mike: See the shock! Witness the horror! Feel the nausea! Crow: And all for just three easy payments of $34.99! > > ******* * ***** **** * ***** ***** * * * **** ***** ***** **** > * * * * * * * * * * ** ** * * * * * * * > * ***** ** * * ***** * ** * * * ***** ** * ** **** > * * * ***** *** * * * ******* *** ******* * ******* * > * Tom: THC QATEMAZTCR? Mike: "THE GATEMASTER." Tom: Then why the hell didn't they just come out and say it? > > A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FAN-FICTION Mike: So, to recap from the last part, this is going to be a Sonic the Hedgehog/Austin Powers/Star Trek/Hanna-Barbara/Jurassic Park/Captain Planet/Back to the Future/Mother Goose crossover fic. > > Michael Wolfe David Gonterman Tom: Two names I am DEFINITELY crossing off my Christmas card list. MW: [offscreen] Hey! > > soniku@yahoo.com Crow: Yeah, well, "sonik" you too, buddy! > dgonterman@aol.com All: [Singing] Gonterman, Gonterman. Does whatever a Gonter can. What that is, I don't know. Do I care to find out? No! Look out! Here comes the Gonterman! > > > > > Tom: The best use of spoiler space in a fanfic since "Stolen Memories." Mike: Okay, starting any second now-- > GATE n. 1. Mike: Or not. Crow: Sheesh, the Academy Awards have shorter opening production numbers! > That which is regarded as a means of entry or > exit. Mike: 2. Appended to any common or proper noun, it designates a new presidential scandal. > 2. A device used as transport to move objects through > inter-dimensional barriers. Crow: Wait...what kind of definition is that? Mike: [thumbing through dictionary] It's right here in the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Crow: That explains it. Tom: But it's not really called a gate. It's called a...Damn, where's my Trekker guide? > 3. The only sure method by which > the fight for freedom will be won. Crow: See, Robotnik has a slight problem with the concept of a padlock. Mike: [Sally] Okay, Freedom Fighters! I've come up with the best way to win! BUILD A GATE AROUND ROBOTROPOLIS! Tom: First rule of any good story--*always* give away the ending in the midst of a five-thousand-page preface and hope nobody notices. > See also; SKYE Tom: Ohhhh, so it's an island off the coast of Scotland! Mike: He means the character. Crow: He turned into a gate? > > Mike: No, he's the way the fight for freedom will be won. > Tom: And what's "The Greatest Freedom Fighter" Sonic? Chopped liver? > Mike: Look, do you really expect a Sonic fanfic to make any logical sense? Just watch. Crow: Boy, someone got off on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Tom: That would be me. Sorry for the wall damage by the way. > Hello Reader, All: AAAHHH! Uh, hi. > I am the Storyteller. Crow: [Storyteller] I don't want to be here any more than you do. They *made* me. > You're in for quite a trip. Tom: We're serving free acid during the fic. > I hope you realize that. Mike: We can hardly wait. Tom: Do we get frequent flier miles? > But I suppose all stories must begin somewhere. Mike: [Storyteller] Ours begins with a rabid duck, a giraffe with a silver leg and a gruff, yet sensitive, air traffic controller named "Monty." > [Sigh] So many viewpoints, so little time. Mike: "Little time"? That's a good thing. Crow: How dare we be forced to use comprehension and standard POV Techniques? Tom: Mike, this isn't going to become an experimental story, is it? Mike: I hope not. We barely survived "The Death of Artemio Cruz." > > > Imagine, if you will, Mike: [Rod Serling] A fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. > what it would be like if your universe wasn't > the only one in existence. Tom: Umm...well, there would be some other universes out there, and...that's all, really. > Just try it. I dare you! Crow: Yes! I can see it! It is as vast as space and as timeless as infinity! Tom: Too late. They already made that premise into a TV series. > > What if there was another entire universe out there Tom: ...In that middle ground between light and shadow... > just waiting to > be found Crow: ...Between science and superstition... > by an adventurer with the heart, courage, and a keen enough > mind to cross the threshold? Mike: And he brought beer? Tom: This sounds like the lead-in to a song in a Disney movie. Crow: I hope he's not talking about Krockett. > > Such an intrepid explorer would discover the Omniverse, an infinite > thread of universes and possibilities. Tom: And it all lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. Mike: Is that the same as diverse realities? Crow: If it involves incoherent writing and deep personal stupidity, Mr. Storyteller's home free. > This person would be granted > the ability to navigate the fantastic realm of the Reality > Continuum. Crow: But this person is about to find out that the realm requires a pit stop. > They would transcend their limited understanding and > perception of all that exists. All: As they get their roadmap in.... Mike and Tom: The Twilight Zone! Crow: [same time] The Outer Limits! Mike: Crow! > They would become... Crow: Whoops! Tom: Nice going, moron. > _________________________________________________________________________________________________ > > > ***** * * ***** **** * ***** ***** * * * **** ***** ***** **** > * * * * * * * * * * ** ** * * * * * * * > * ***** ** * * ***** * ** * * * ***** * * ** **** > * * * ***** *** * * * ***** * * * * ***** * ***** * * > > _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Crow: He becomes a Magic Eye puzzle? Mike: No, he becomes [dramatic] The Gatemeister! Tom: Just one Gatemaster? Wouldn't it be "Gatemasters?" > > There are an infinite number of possibilities awaiting > you out there. Tom: [Storyteller] And yet, all of you will end up trapped in middle management. Ironic, huh? > Find out for yourself as you Mike: Realize, in another parallel universe, that this story actually begins somewhere. > take the ultimate ride of your life...through... All: The Twilight Zone! Crow: I got it right that time. Tom: Good for you. > > THE GATE Crow: The ultimate adventure begins with Microsoft? > The Gate is the paranormal stream All: [singing] Moon River.... > that > networks the nether-region Crow: Hey, that sounds dirty! > between the > worlds Tom: Attention, Author! Everybody in the late 20th century, regardless of their relative respect of the Sci-Fi genre, understands the concept of a parallel universe! We get the "people travel to it through a magic gate" concept. So can we start? Get this over with? > of 'that which is' and the worlds of 'that which could be'. Mike: Michael Wolfe. Mood-setting since 1943. Crow: Without taking a single break for, say, actual story writing. Tom: Actually, since a parallel universe consists of paths untaken, shouldn't that read "worlds that could have been"? > > The time is now. Mike: The humidity is thirty-eight percent. Dew point... > > Fade in. Tom: It... It started! All: Yaaayyyyy!!!!! > You are flying in the sky Mike: Isn't that "Skye"? Crow: Should I accuse you of Mike syndrome? > like a wingless avian, Crow: In other words, dropping like a stone? > soaring above and through the clouds. Tom: Normally, wingless avians cannot fly. But you have fairy dust. > > You pass through an isolated storm front, Mike: [wingless avian] Great. Shot via catapult through a storm. Valujet? Hah! > buffeted Tom: [singing] From the last Tango in Paris, to the last plane out of Saigon.... Crow: Oh, so we're wingless parrotheads. > this way and that > by lightning and wind currents, but you have no fear. Crow: Wow. That's so... 80s. Mike: I haven't seen that T-Shirt slogan in years. > In seconds, > you're out of it -- Tom: A custard stain on the side of Mount Rushmore. > descending into a shallow canyon onto a valley > floor. Crow: So, when he said we were out of it, he meant we were unconscious. Tom: Probably from the G Forces in freefall. Mike: Or the Golly G forces of this fanfic. > > Hold on everybody. It's a heck of a ride on a... Tom: Mike, if he says the title or anything to do with gates, I'm gonna kick him in the shins. > > SUPERSONIC FLIGHT Mike: My...My God. Dare we hope? Crow: I think...It could be.... Tom: Brace yourselves. Wait for the next line.... > Mobius - The Great Plains Mike: The story has officially started! All: Yaaayyyyy!!!!! > Somewhere in the SE Akina Valley Tom: The Great Planes are landing. > First Month of Fall Crow: Oh, God! We'll be wingless avians for the rest of the year! > Season 3238 > Thurs. 5:57 PM Mike: [Spock] And 27 seconds. But that is only an approximation. > > VRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM Tom: [singing] Jimmy was a race car driver, he drove so goddamned fast... Crow: The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Hedgehog. > > A pair of red and white sneakers flew over the ground carrying > their owner across the Great Plains with amazing speed. Tom: [Sonic] AUGH! I'm being kidnapped by my shoes! Crow: [Sonic] I'll wash my socks from now on! I swear! Mike: "Flew over the ground." That must be us, in wingless avian mode. Tom: Actually somebody just put the fanfic on fast forward. > > The Great Plains; Mike: The first fanfic written as a travel brochure. > A flat field spanning as far as the eye > could see. Crow: What's so great about an expanse of nothing? Tom: It's a minimalist thing. > A beautiful, green, panoramic landscape lying unscarred > by a war that threatened the planet. Tom: Wait. Didn't the war already begin? Mike: They're talking about after the defeat of Robotnik. A brief peace, followed by The Clone Wars. Crow: Boy, this is WAY more complex than anything they do in Sliders. > To most Mobians, the Great > Plains was a home Mike: On the range? > and a playground. Crow: To some, it was land just waiting to be developed. > To a certain blue hedgehog > however, Tom: Is that opposed to all the other blue hedgehogs? Mike: Tom, let it go. Tom: Damn it, author! You don't have to be coy! > the Great Plains was the perfect speedway. Crow: [Sonic] Not that this falls under "playground." Mike: No, of course not. > > In the distance, an invisible force raced across the > landscape. Crow: An immovable object smashed it to pieces and ended the story. Hooray! Mike: Crow, that's an *irresistible* force. Crow: You're *trying* to make me cry, aren't you? > A force that was detectable only by All: RADAR! > the trail of smoke > that rose from the ground behind it. Tom: What's the procedure if your hedgehog's engine catches fire? Crow: First, you have to get out of the fanfic when it comes to a complete stop. Mike: This fanfic never even started. > > Tails raised the binoculars to his eyes. "Wow! Look at him > go!" Crow: [Tails] Was it something I said? > > Tails followed the trail of dust and smoke, Mike: [Tails, as Tonto] Me think Sonic take this trail. > scanning the > barren landscape ahead. Crow: [Tricorder noises] Mike: [Spock] Fascinating, Captain. > About two miles to the SW, Tom: It's a Star Wars crossover? Crow: That explains the force. Mike: You guys. They're in DC. > Tails saw four > very odd rock formations that stood in two distinct groupings. Mike: [Tails] It's unusual to see segregationist rocks. > The > blue blur Crow: Blue me. Mike: Crow!!! > seemed to be headed straight for them! Tom: [Author] Oh, my God! He's a tourist! All: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! > > Meanwhile in the valley below, Mike: [Texan] Back at the ranch. Crow: Hey, Mike, is this a hidden valley? > Sonic was having a blast. Crow: [Sighing] Will product placement in fanfics never end? Tom: At least he's not having a Gatorade. Mike: Or a SURGE! > The > Great Plains was the perfect site for practicing his running Crow: [Sonic] First, I move a foot forward.... Mike: Actually, Sonic rolls. > (and > sometimes, for releasing his pent up energy). Tom: I thought that's what he had Tails around for-- Mike: Okay, nipping this in the bud right now. *No.* Tom: Damn. > It was a great > substitution now that Mike: DeShields was out with yet ANOTHER injury. > he was no longer allowed to run in Knothole. Tom: So he tripped over a granny and jaywalked. I don't think that's grounds to expel him. > The new policy was the result of an avalanche Tom: [Sonic] All right, I'll lose weight! > of complaints levied > by the newer citizens of Knothole. Mike: [citizen] Oh, my God! He's running! That's gonna hasten our moral decline! > Crow: Mike? If we complain enough, you think our authors will go to the Great Plains just to write? Tom: I'm still trying to determine the relevance. > o FLASHBACK o Tom: Flash back to *what?* Nothing's *happened* yet! Mike: Oh, come on--a good set of endless opening notes *deserves* a second glance. > > "But Sally," Sonic pleaded, "I have to run! It's what I do!" Crow: [Sonic] You don't understand 'cause you're bourgeois! > > "I know, Sonic," Sally sympathized, "but you have to think > about others too." Crow: [Sonic] Hey, I can run and think at the same time. > > "I am, Sal, but I just don't see what their problem is." Crow: *Their* problem is *you!* Mike: [Sally] They see you wearing those bikini shorts and....Whoa, it even gives *me* the shivers. > > Princess Sally sighed. "For one thing, with all the refugees > arriving from Akila Valley, Knothole is too crowded." All: [Stare open-mouthed.] Crow: So, the reason that Sonic's civil rights were violated is.... Illegal immigrants? Mike: And we get a flashback to see why Sonic can't run in Knothole, but we don't get to find out what the problem is in Akila Valley? > > Sonic crossed his arms with an exasperated look on his face. Mike: [Sonic] You think I'm gonna let some Hispanic dictate my free time? > > "Look," Sally said, "all that they're asking for is a speed > limit in Knothole, say, 30 miles per hour?" Crow: [Sonic] Well, as President of the Need for Running Animals, I refuse to allow common-sense laws to take place. You can take my running shoes when you pry them away from my cold, dead toes! > > "This stinks big time, Sal. Crow: [Sally] Wanted to talk about that, too. Ever hear of soap? > Where am I supposed to juice > between missions?" Mike: Uh, the local bar. Like everyone else. Tom: Bet those illegal immigrants don't like "drinking and driving" either. > > "Why don't you take Tails and Tom: [Sally] --Force the immigrants in line by holding him for ransom? > try running on the Great > Plains?" > > So here he was, All: [singing] Face to face. A couple of silver spoons.... > zooming through the Great Plains, bordered by > the Great Forest to the South and Akina Valley to the North. Mike: ...where there is some sort of horrible, unknown event taking place, causing the area's evacuation. Tom: [sighs] This guy learned how to write from Charles Dickens, didn't he? Mike: Well, all magazines pay by the word now. Crow: I'm sure it'll become relevant. I heard that chapter five has a zoning ordinance scene that was nominated for an Emmy. > > "...Blue Streak, Mike: The sequel to "Silver Streak?" > speeds by...Son-ic the Hedgehog. Too fast > for the naked eye...Son-ic the Hedgehog..." Tom: If I ask what the hell that was, do you promise not to tell me? Crow: I'm betting it was a hallucination, Alex. > > Mike: Sorry. You forgot to ask it in the form of a question. > Sonic's ear-piece burst Tom: Yowtch! That's gotta hurt. > to life with the voice of his > buddy Crow: Little buddy? > - interrupting his singing. Tom: Oh, I get it. He was singing about how fast he was. Heh, heh. Mike, please kill me. Crow: You know you're full of yourself if you keep singing your own theme song. > "Sonic! You're heading toward a > cropping of rocks. Mike: [Sonic] Really? Where? Tom: Thump! Crow: Splat! Mike: [Sonic] Never mind. > Do you read?" Crow: [Sonic] Oh, is that what that sign said? Damn, I hate being illiterate. Tom: Well, if he missed the giant rock formations, he's probably either blind or REAllY dizzy. > > Sonic reassured Tails. Tom: [Sonic] Tails, Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper. > "Just doing some Mike: [Sonic] --sightseeing. Can't visit the Great Plains without a picture of the rock formation. > hedgehog acrobatics, Crow: [Richard Simmons] And bend. And stretch. And quill. Feel the burn! > bud." Mike: Guys, don't even.... Crow: Wise. Tom: Er. Mike: Sigh. Guess it was unavoidable. > > The first two rock formations were shaped like opposing > crescents. Tom: [Crescent 1] I shall be the only moon. Crow: [Crescent 2] Oh yeah? Prepare to die, rockhead! > The other two formations were behind the first; Mike: [Pillars] We're behind you every step of the way. > two > gigantic pillars Crow: Hey, is this Stonehenge? > lying perpendicular and standing parallel to the > wall of the very cliff Tails was standing on. Tom: So, we violated the laws of geometry to state that the pillars were upright, and Tails was standing near a sheer drop. Mike: See how much easier it is to read when you skip every other word. Crow: Wow. It *is* just like reading Charles Dickens. > > As Sonic closed in on the first formation Mike: They're coming in too fast! Crow: Stay on target! > at one-third of > Mach 1, only one thought occupied his mind: Tom: [Sonic] Was Kennan's theory of Soviet containment ultimately a hindrance to the long-standing ideal of Balkan state autonomy? > 'SEE the loop. Tom: Look, look, look, Jane said. > DO the > loop.' Mike: Oh, a Mountain Dew commercial. Tom: You forgot "BE the loop." > The hedgehog accelerated to half the speed of sound. Crow: SUUUUURRRRGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!! > Tom: Shouldn't the author have added that Mach 1 was the speed of sound, just in case it wasn't beaten into us enough times? Mike: Maybe he finally found his rhythm. > Sonic zoomed 50 feet straight up the side of the crescent. Mike: Of course, if the author means that Sonic's running a loop just like in the video game, he's not technically running straight up. > For an instant, he was upside down. Crow: Ooh, that wacky hedgehog. > Sonic let his inertia carry him > across the gap Mike: Jeans? > of empty space Tom: Between his ears. > to the other crescent and back down. Tom: Isn't this so exciting? It's like reading about a golf tournament. > > By a fortunate circumstance Crow: The opposing crescents also backed down. > the base of the formation did not > meet the ground flatly. Instead Mike: The rock formation floated in midair. Tom: So Sonic reached the end of the formation and fell to his death. Crow: Why, that is fortunate. > it created a sort of ramp; Mike: The ground kind of rose upward, but not really. Crow: Gosh, isn't that amazing? It's almost like somebody planned it that way just so Sonic could do tricks on it! > one that > a certain hedgehog Tom: Fangio? Crow: Stickly-Prickly? Mike: Spiny Norman? > knew just how to take advantage of. Tom: He was going to drive the bus over it at over 55 miles an hour to jump over the missing section of the bridge. > Curling Mike: It's a nice sport, but there's too much money in it. > into > a ball of quills, Sonic Crow: Got sued by the Koosh Ball industry. > unleashed a full dose of sonic fury. Mike: Signifying nothing. > Sonic > catapulted into the second pillar of the second cropping, Tom: [Groucho Marx] The second party of the second part, hereafter to be known as the second party of the second part. > rebounding > backward into the first. Mike: Where his quills got stuck in the cracks, sticking Sonic to the pillar. > The Cobalt Cannonball All: [Laugh] Crow: So, this guy gets his name from Wrestling? Tom: Well, he needs a cooler name then Evil Knievel. Mike: Hey, maybe this is a plot twist. Robotnik's testing his new pure-cobalt shells. > repeated this pinball-like maneuver > twice until his trajectory carried him above the second pillar and > toward the edge of the cliff. Crow: Which didn't matter because if Tails had to watch him through binoculars, the rock formation had to be really far from the cliff. > Sonic uncurled in mid-air to perform a > perfect three-point landing Tom: Isn't the scale ten points? > (left foot, right toe, and right knee) Mike: [Sonic] AAAAAAAUUUUGGGH! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! THE BONE'S STICKING OUT OF MY SHIN!! > four feet from his dual-tailed sidekick. Crow: There's a sick joke there, but I'll avoid it in the interest of keeping what sanity we have left. > > "Awesome!" Tom: [Michaelangelo] That was totally radical, dude! Mike: If Sonic says "Cowabunga," I'm leaving. Oxygen or no oxygen. > > "Thank yew, thank yew," Mike: Ah, he must be a druid. He's giving thanks to the trees. > Sonic bowed to his delighted audience > of one as he imitated the sound of a crowd's roar with his hands > cupped around his mouth. Crow: Awww, how *cute.* Mike, can we hit him? Mike: [grimly] Take a number and get in line. > > "When do we head back to Knothole?" Tails asked. Crow: [Tails, bored] This is stupid. How long do I have to sit out here? > > Sonic eyed Tails with a smile, Tom: [Sonic] Just after I EAT you! > "as soon as you show me that > new trick you've been practicing." Crow: [Tails] But I left my Astroglide in my other-- Mike: [ominous] Crow, what did I say? Crow: [muttering] Well, you didn't say it to *me.* > > Tail's face turned red. "Aww, I didn't think you were > watching." Tom: [Sonic] Well, when you leave the bedroom door open.... Mike: Tom! Tom: Aw, Mike! The author's practically begging us for it. > > Sonic nudged him on. "Com'n, I want to see it." Mike: [Sonic] Just whip out those two "tails" and... [normal] God, you've got me doing it now. > > Tails wagged his twin brushes with sudden excitement. "Okay." Crow: C'mon, Mike--they're doing it on *purpose* now! Mike: I don't *care.* Ignore it. Crow: [whiny] Miiiiike... Mike: Crow, putting plushie slash pictures in Mike's head equals no RAM chips for a month. *Stop.* > > Sonic stood back, giving Tails some room. Crow: [Sonic] I didn't mean the Flaming Fart. The other trick. > Tail's brow furrowed > with intense concentration. Mike: He's gonna bend spoons with his mind. > In a burst of action, Tom: The only one in this story. Hope you enjoyed it. > Tails curled up > and did his version of Sonic's super spin-dash. Crow: This is like reading a Mortal Kombat fanfic. > With a blast of > speed, Mike: So Tails also imitates Sonic's drug habit. > Tails zoomed off the edge of the cliff. Mike: [Tails] It's called my Lemming Maneuver! > Tails was in total > free-fall. Crow: [Tails] Oh, no. There isn't a BED here, is there? Mike: Crow! Crow: TO JUMP ON! Geez, Mike. A young kid leaps off a self-made cliff onto a bed! What the hell is the matter with you?! > > Sonic watched his buddy plummet toward the ground. Mike: [Sonic] Oh, darn. I'll miss him. Well, what's for dinner? > "I sure > hope he's gonna' pull up some time soon." Tom: Mike, is there a point to this scene? Mike: Absolutely. It's to waste time. Crow: Yeah. Didn't they cover padding in your Writer's Workshop? > > Tails was enjoying it. Crow: He was Riding with Death. > The wind blew through his fur with > lifting force, almost stopping his descent towards the valley floor. Tom: Remember, kids: if you jump off a cliff, you can stop in midair by wearing a fur coat. Scientists will insist you simply slow your acceleration. Tell 'em off. > Next > came the trick. Mike: Tails placed a high spade in an attempt to win the contract. > Sonic's apprentice flipped over and Crow: Chopped a broom in half. > revved his > tails, Tom: Tails revved his tails? Now there's one for the books. > but not to slow his fall. Mike: We established that his fur coat did that. Crow: Rather, Tails endeavored to rotate his twin blades of bundled fur solely for the joy of doing so and padding this fanfic still further. > He curled the tips of his rotors > away from his body Crow: Oh, it's a Mach 3 commercial crossover. > - creating a pocket of air beneath him. Then, > with all the force he had, he slapped his tails together -bursting > the air pocket. Tom: So.... His secret new trick is the tail fart? Mike: Well, he is a prepubescent boy. > With a > sonic boom All: EEEWWWW!!!! > and a rapid blast of acceleration, Mike: Gravity returned and Tails plunged to his doom. > Tails rushed away from > the valley floor, having never touched the ground. Crow: Good for him. You never know what germs you'll catch if you touch a New York sidewalk. > Tails shot up twenty > feet above the cliff-side before he reached the peak of his ascent > and Tom: Began the parabolic descent toward the sandy, dust-covered planar surface known to many as the ground.... Mike, I can't take this anymore! > had to rely on his trademark 'tailcopter' to stay aloft. Mike: His trademark tailcopter. So if anyone else uses that maneuver.... Crow: You'll be facing a lawsuit faster than you can say "I found the apex of the flight allowed by my potential energy transference." > > "I call it the 'Super Snap-Back'," Tails said proudly when he > landed. Mike: [Tails] I was inspired while playing with a rubber band. Crow: [Tails] Usually, when I hit the maximum of my parabolic arc, I fire off a "Your Mama" joke. > "I used it to knock down the hut damaged in that storm a few > nights back." Mike: [Tails] I did this "secret" trick in broad daylight in order to knock down the building. How did you ever find out? Tom: [Tails] Crushed a family of four sleeping inside, too--*damn,* that was funny. Bone fragments everywhere. Mike: Uh, Tom-- Tom: Geez, Mike, are you editing this for the Pax Network or something? > > Sonic beamed with pride at his protege. "That's really cool, > Tails. A hero needs a few tricks in the bag. Tom: Can you say FORESHADOWING, boys and girls? I knew you could! > It'll come in handy > some day." Crow: Like when you flunk hero school and have to work for a construction company as a demolition expert. > Sonic waltzed behind his bud Mike: Sad. A wallflower at a classical music ball. > and playfully whispered, Crow: [Sonic] Meet me in the garden in half an hour. Mike: Crow! Crow: [Sonic] I'll teach you how to do armpit farts. Mike: Not buying it. > "...not to mention impressing a couple of cute vixies, hum?" Mike: Tails is, what, ten? I don't think that's necessary yet. Crow: "Vixies"? > > Tails giggled. "Aww, cut it out, Sonic!" Tom: [Tails] You know that I'm out of the closet. Why do you keep saying that? > > Sonic poked Tails on the shoulder. All: [Pillsbury Dough Boy Laugh] > "Tag! Race 'ya back to > Knothole!" Mike: Hey, when is a hole knot a hole? > > Sonic went into his Figure-Eight Super Peel-Out Crow: Boy, some people REAllY suffer from sunburn. > but not > before ripping loose with a raucous rebel yell. Crow: [weakly] See, it's a rebel yell, 'cause he's a freedom fighter, and it's, y'know, wacky. > > "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HA!" All: [Laugh.] Tom: [Hans, from Die Hard] Still playing the cowboy, Mr McClane? You Americans are all alike. Mike: [Bruce Willis] You've made quite a cowboy yourself. Tom: [Hans] Ah, yes. How do you Americans say it. [Makes gun-cock noise.] Yippee kai yay. > > Sonic zoomed off at supersonic speed, All: Run away! Run away! > breaking the sound > barrier by a factor of two. Crow: Can't you just say "Mach 2?" > > "He yells that nearly every time he takes off," Tails said. Crow: It helps him counteract the G Forces, and keeps him from talking to himself. Tom: The other times he yells "PEANUTS!" Nobody knows why. > > Sonic had borrowed the exclamation Tom: At 9.9% interest. Mike: Tom, there is no interest in this fanfic. Crow: We interrupt our first attempt at action to bring you a flashback. Hope you don't mind. > from Knothole's newest > Freedom Fighter. Mike: [Bruce Willis] Call me Roy. > About a month or so ago, a human had literally > dropped into Robotropolis during Crow: --A bizarre experiment involving a duck, an Imac, and a can of chili. We've decided not to inquire further. > a two-person mission involving > Sonic and Sally. Tom: "Three's a crowd" has never been more apt. > Since then, the outlander (who later proclaimed > himself 'Davey Krockett') Crow: Ha, I always knew he was outlandish. Mike: I was wondering when we'd get to him. > had pretty much made himself a fixture in > Knothole. Tom: Specifically, a street lamp. Mike: Charles Dickens' interpretation of Davey Kintobor. This has "long day" written all over it. > > On several missions, the human had demonstrated his assets in > the fight against Robotnik Crow: He exposed himself during combat? Ewww! > (only to find out in his ultimate > encounter that Mike: Women do not appreciate sex without foreplay. Crow: Mike! Mike: Well, this is Kintobor. HE'S fair game. > the evil tyrant was once his father). The climactic > shock of it all had Crow: --Forced the young man to realize his author double was a Star Wars geek. All: The shame. > almost sent the (recklessly unstable) new > arrival over the edge. Tom: The rest of the story went over the edge on page 2. > The only thing that had kept Davey > comparatively 'sane' Mike: Sane in quotation marks? This story is doing our work for us. > was his friends... Mike: And since that bit of exposition had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING, let's just let it peter on out. Tom: Don't provoke them, Mike--their backstory has the power to lay waste to entire cities. > > Tails knew Sonic was going to beat him All: WHAT?!? > to Knothole, All: Whew! Tom: This story came real close to becomeing a Lifetime Original Movie. > but he > wasn't going to let him win without a fight. Mike: He was going to hide all the pronoun tags, making sure that Sonic would become too confused to run. > Tails whirled his tails > and Crow: Does the author ever consider reading his stories out loud? Tom: Nah. They're boring even for him. > slammed them together. Tom: Put your tails together for Puffball Daddy! > The Super Snap-Back propelled him 200 > feet Mike: --Straight into the air. Yes, we read the first 1,000 paragraphs. > forward. Tilting his rotors at a 45 degree angle, Tails Crow: Sliced off his legs. > was in > powered flight mode. Tom: Almost like...a wingless avian. Mike: We're not gonna let that one go, huh? Crow: Are you kidding? At 3 A.M. tomorrow, I'm gonna call up the author and scream "Wingless avian!" into the phone. > > "Comin' at 'ya Sonic!" Tails called. Mike: He's gonna get ya Sonic, and ya gonna be too whacked to do anything about it, punk! Dig? > > The Great Forest loomed ahead. Crow: Great Plains. Great Forest. This planet was settled by a tribe of marketing people, huh? > Sonic dodged rocks and > potholes Tom: Oh, so it is DC. > and Tails dodged tree limbs, Mike: [Evil Trees] Try to pick my apples, huh?! > but both Crow: --Were changed to werebears by an irate mushroom man. Tom: Now, you've done it. Next thing we read is a Sonic/Mario crossover. > arrived in Knothole > at about the same time Mike: [sings] Oh ye'll take the high road and I'll take the low road / And I'll be in Knothole afore ye ... > (Sonic stopped to retie his shoes). Tom: Some superhero. "Well, I'll stop Robotnik. Let me tie my shoes first." Mike: Don't you remember? Whenever a hero ties his shoes, he guarantees that the bad guy can't shoot him. Crow: I think Mister Hedgehog here was just showing off. He thinks he's all that. > > "I'll catch up to you someday, Sonic," Tails barked > playfully. Mike: Yeah, when foxes fly. ... Oh. > > Sonic high-fived him. Crow: [Sonic] All right! I proved my superiority! Slap me some skin, brother! > "Someday, bro-, you just might." Mike: [Sonic] That patronizing enough for ya, little skipper? Tom: [Sonic] Next week, I'm stopping at the Great Wawa for some milk and a Great Loaf of Great Bread. Maybe you'll win then. Crow: Their friendship has all the warm, cuddly camaraderie of Mozart and Salieri. > > The duo Mike: The dynamic duo? > walked the rest of the trail to Knothole Village. Crow: But didn't we establish they were in Knothole village? Tom: They're walking the rest of the trail--back out. > On > the way, Tom: They met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kits.... Mike: That's enough, Tom. > they bumped into other Freedom Fighters going to or coming > from Knothole. Mike: [Sonic] Oops, sorry. Sorry. Clumsy me. Crow: So many immigrants and you bump into everybody on the street. This must be the mirror universe of New York. Tom: Here, they call it the Great Apple. > Many Freedom Fighters only spent nights in Knothole > anymore, Crow: Thanks. I'm gonna be up all night trying to figure out what that sentence means. > often choosing to spend the days at All: The YMCA! Tom: It's fun to stay at the... All: YMCA! > their own hearth and > home or performing other activities elsewhere in the Great Forest > and surrounding areas. Mike: So, they did stuff somewhere all day, then went home. Tom: Just wanted us to know that, I guess. Crow: Wow, the sheer *richness* of this fantasy universe--somewhere Guy Gavriel Kay is weeping. > More Freedom Fighters had begun using this > routine since the recent crisis in the Badlands. Mike: Still another plotline we would have liked to have been in on. Crow: The Maquis had been decimated, and the resident Jem'Hadar did not like fuzzy animals. > > The crisis, coupled with Robotnik's inadvertent thermonuclear > destruction of Akila Valley due to 'Project: Doomsday' Tom: [Minnewegian voice] Ooo, I just *hate* it when that happens. Really ruins your whole day. Crow: [Robotnik] Wow! I planned a project to drop a thermonuclear device on Akila Valley, called it Doomsday, and caused some destruction. I wasn't expecting that! > had caused > a flood of refugees to seek shelter in Knothole. All: We don't care! Crow: Now I know why this thing is so long...IT'S All EXPOSITION! > As a result, the > once diminutive population of Knothole Crow: They used to be hobbits? > had more than quadrupled. Mike: [Dr. Strangelove] Animals vere bred und *SLAUGHTERED!* > To > deal with the surge of immigration, Sally had decreed that Tom: Illegal immigrants shall be shot on sight. Oh, and check for Green Cards before hiring. > the > secret entrance to the original Subterranean Knothole be reopened. Mike: The order was signed by Commissioner Gordon. > All the original Freedom Fighters (plus anyone who wished) had moved > themselves back into the underground city, allowing Crow: --Robotnik's spies to observe the rebel base firsthand. > the new arrivals > to live above ground. Tom: This famous altruistic act was forever known as Operation: Human Shield. > Only Sally still retained her hut in Knothole > Village, but had doubled up Mike: The princess WOULD have a timeshare. > with a family of four foxes to keep > things fair. Mike: To help with the family financial fix, Sally also sold seashells by the Great Seashore. > > "A princess has to set an example, you know." Tom: [Sally] Yeah, yeah. Share my house. Wear my hair like cinammon buns. Shoot my way out of imperial prisons when my "heroes" turn out to be losers.... > > Most of the Freedom Fighters had managed to adjust to the > situation as a temporary inconvenience, but few wanted it to become > permanent. Crow: Especially the landlords, who still faced rent control laws. > The refugees didn't want to cause trouble either. Tom: They just wanted to sit in the bar in peace, and not be bothered by people who "didn't take kindly to their kind." > They > were all eager to move on to new homes, but for now, Mike: None of them could read the want ads. > Knothole was > the only safe place. Crow: Remember, kids: a secret rebel base that would make a tempting target for the enemy is always a great place to hide. Tom: Sure! Just look at how safe the rebel bases were in Star Wars. > > Advised by her friends, Sally had decided that come the Second > Month of Fall Season, Crow: They were gonna party like it's 3599. > the refugees would be escorted past Never Lake > and Tom: Into Never-Never Land! > relocated Mike: It's only 600 people. Tom: [Picard] How many people does it take to make it wrong, Admiral? > to relative safety on the other side of the Crystal > Mountains. Mike: That nice Mr. Buchanan suggested they might all really enjoy traveling by boxcar-- Tom: [genuinely shocked] *Mike!* Mike: [abashed] Uh...sorry. This story's doing things to me. Crow: That's a free plushie joke for *us,* Mr. Family Hour. > > "Hey, guys," Sally greeted. "Back from the Great Plains > already? Tom: [Sally] Hang on a second! [whispering] He's home early! Quick, get in the bathroom, and pretend you've been fixing that pipe! > I thought you'd be gone at least 'til suppertime." Mike: [Tails] And miss the chance to do my Snoopy impression? Supper! Supper, supper, supper! > > "Naw," Tails replied as he alighted in front of his adopted > aunt. Crow: Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? > "We just stayed long enough for Sonic to burn another oval > trail into the valley floor." Tom: The official government explanation of crop circles. Mike: [Sonic] Destroying the ecosystem is fun! > > Sally smiled. "Well, its a good thing you're back, Sonic. I'm > expecting a message from your uncle any minute now." Mike: [Sally] And I just *know* he's going to ask for money again. > > Sonic's Uncle, Crow: That anything like Dutch Uncle? > Sir Charles Hedgehog, had been sending > numerous broadcasts from his hideout Tom: In the mirror universe of Montana. > in central Robotropolis for the > last week. Crow: Most of them were about the weather and the length of his toenails. Robotropolis was pretty dull these days. > The first one had arrived last Wednesday. It said: > > > - - - START OF TRANSMISSION - - - > TIMESTAMP: 1/02.10.3238/19:19 Tom: Geez. I thought Stardates were complex. > > Sally, Mike: I am NOT your sweet babboo. > > Peculiar operations taking place in Robotropolis > North. Tom: They're removing people's kidneys and putting them back in upside-down! > Sources indicate that there may be a new > project in the making. Mike: They're gonna build a thermonuclear device that doesn't work and shoot it at a populated area with the goal of doing no damage whatsoever. Crow: It's called "Operation: Doomsday." That's what the supplier will be after we prove his thermonuclear devices don't work. > Suggest a reconnaissance > mission. Crow: [Sonic] I already suggested one. What do you think you're doing up there? Getting an MBA? > > I'll leave you a twenty minute window in the > perimeter defenses between 1720 and 1740 > hours. Tom: [Sir Charles] After that, I start tossin' out bodies. > Send your team over the NW boundary > of the city's wall. Mike: And we'll leave a light on for you. Crow: Sad. All this to get a Pokemon. Tom: Love and kisses, > Uncle Chuck Tom: That's Secret Agent Chuck. Ground Chuck. Crow: P.S. Tell Sonic I still love him. > > - - END OF TRANSMISSION - - - Mike: [Inspector Gadget] This message will self-destruct. Don't worry, Chief. You can count on me. > > > Armed with this vital information, Tom: *What* vital information? "Go spy on some guys who might be doing stuff"? Mike: Laugh all you want, Tom, but that's the Cold War in a nutshell. > Sally had taken the first > steps in organizing a recon mission. Crow: She talked to the union leaders. > They needed a team. Tom: They need a team to take the first steps in organizing a recon mission? Mike: Dilbert's boss in a role you won't believe. > To this > effect, the Freedom Fighters and refugees were gathered together in > Knothole Village Square. Mike: The recon team will be chosen by who can do the best hoe-down. > > "Citizens of Knothole," Sally began. "We have received word > from our agents in Robotropolis that Robotnik may be working on a > new project. Crow: Even though he ALREADY has seven items on the dibs list. Mike: [Sally] All we know is that he refuses to give up his little dog Checkers. > We need a group of Freedom Fighters to volunteer for a recon > mission." Mike: [Sally] In other words, how many of you extras would like to get killed? Bots: Me! Me! Pick me! Me! > > One by one, the couriers of the main Freedom Fighter squads > came forward. Tom: So, they're gonna send mailmen on a spy mission? Crow: No, no. You're supposed to arm them with machine guns and send them into combat. Mike: This stereotype will be with us forever. > Unfortunately for princess Sally, none of the main > teams were available. Mike: By an amazing coincidence, all had previously scheduled dentist appointments. > Most of the Freedom Fighters were already > assigned to the Akila Valley and distant points South of the Great > Forest. Tom: Such as Anaheim ... Azusa ... and Cu-camonga! Crow: So the main teams are unavailable, except for the messengers, who volunteered the unavailable teams? Tom: They've got nothing better to do, since the main teams are all fried from being in Akila Valley since Project Doomsday. Mike: But isn't this a flashback? So Project Doomsday hasn't occured yet.... I feel dizzy. > > Sally was in a tight spot. Tom: Can't get credit? Got a home? > The elite Freedom Fighters were > all she had left. Mike: Oh, no! She's going to have to send someone who was well- trained and has shown a lot of skill! > Not that it was any big deal. Tom: So her mortal enemy might be planning to crush her and everyone she cares about as she sleeps and there's nobody around to find out how or when, but it's no big deal. Crow: Hey, it sure isn't to *me.* > Sonic had pulled off > recon and insurgence missions Crow: Is that like life insurgence? Mike: That's INSURANCE. > back-to-back hundreds of times. It's > just that she had hoped to give the other teams some experience in > the field. Tom: Well, what the hell do they call what they're doing in Akila Valley? The hokey pokey? Mike: She means she wants to give them experience in areas where they haven't been trained. Crow: Sally, Sally, Sally. That's what the preseason is for. > > Training simulations of Robotropolis were one thing, but her Mike: --Friend's daugher Marrissupial kept bragging about her Coatimundi Maru time. > teams really needed practice with the real thing. Crow: Yep. Can't beat the real thing. > Mastering the Tom: Universe? > training simulations had a way of making some of the inexperienced > Freedom Fighters arrogant MIke: [Freedom Fighter] My Microsoft simulator can beat your Microsoft simulator. > by giving them the false sense that they > could handle anything. Crow: Not that I'm for making this story longer, but isn't that supposed to be "false sense of security"? Tom: Nah. They mean the ESP failure. > A dangerous outlook Tom: Microsoft's mail program made the FBI Top Ten list. > to have in Robotropolis. Mike: How dare they believe in themselves! Crow: Sally's got a point, Mike. We could be looking at a Marrissa syndrome, where you believe a simulation proves you're capable of handling the main event. > > Sally smirked at her own introspective. Mike: [Sally] *Damn,* I'm good. I bet I figure out how toaster strudel works any day now... > The obvious exception > to it all was Sonic. Tom: He never passed a simulation in his life. Yet he remained arrogant. > Ironically, his arrogance was hard to work > with, Mike: Amazing! Arrogance harms teamwork! Who woulda thunk? > but in his case Crow: --Nobody wanted to be around him anyway. > it almost seemed to enhance his skills. Tom: Trash talk officially explained. > Sally > had to admit that while Sonic was anything but modest, Crow: His thong bikinis were both comfortable *and* practical. Mike: Crow-- Crow: Our freebie! *That* was our freebie! > he had never > overshot the estimation of his own abilities. All: [uncomfortable coughing] > Technically speaking, > Sally thought, Sonic was never bragging. Mike: He was just an insufferable, self-aggrandizing, pointy-headed, know-it-all loudmouth. Crow: That's harsh, Mike. Tom: Yeah, but the only alternative is to ask Sally's definition of "is." > > Sally's attention was again diverted to the assembly. Crow: Wow! She's so boring that she puts herself to sleep! > In a > hushed commotion people were shuffling around, Tom: [Random audience member] We've been watching Sally stare into space for an hour. End the presentation, already! > clearing a path to > the front. Mike: The western front? Crow: I hear it's pretty quiet there. > From the back of the crowd, 11 members came forward. Crow: Led by Danny Ocean, the 151st airborne division would save the day. Mike: Crow, nobody's gonna get that joke. Tom: Yeah. Not everyone watches old Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra movies on AMC. Crow: Well, screw those losers. > Like > a blessing Tom: [singing] Touched for the very first time! > from Destiny herself, Mike: Comes the 80s music collection. Its time has come.... > the Wolfpack Crow: That's Rat Pack, stupid! Mike: Crow. What did I just tell you about going overboard on old movies? > clan of Akila Valley > volunteered. > Crow: Yeah, great--they were at Ground Zero of Robotnik's thermonuclear detonation, and now they're gonna be a crack team of enemy-infiltrating superspies? Tom: I just hope they bring a dustpan for all those clumps of fur. Mike: And on that inspiring note, we leave. [They get up and leave the theatre. Door sequence.] [Bridge of the SOAR.] Mike: Well, that was bad. Time for a break. [Walks toward a wall panel, singing to himself] In the not-too-distant future, somewhere in time and space ... [presses panel buttons] Tea, earl grey, hot. Crow: [Walking over] Sorry, old man. Can't do that here. Mike: Why not? Crow: For one thing, that's a communications panel. The replicator is over there on that wall. Mike: Oh. Tom: And also because it's illegal to drink earl grey tea here. New rule thanks to illegal immigrants. Mike: What illegal immigrants? What are you talking about? Tom: Those Akila Valley "refugees" that crossed our border. Coming here, living in poverty, taking honest, demeaning, two-dollar- an-hour jobs from blue-blooded Americans.... Crow: I think what my cybernetic counterpart is trying to say is that hot beverages have to be kept away from the control panels. It's a new rule to make our cleaning staff's life easier. Mike: Well, that seems reasonable.... Tom: Reasonableness is irrelevant! You must oppose this as you would oppose any attack on civil rights, aside from abortion restrictions and school prayer requirements. Those damn immigrants.... Mike: Gypsy. Do you know why we've suddenly started pushing a left- wing agenda? Gypsy: Gotta keep the Trekkies' interest, Mike. Crow: Excuse me, but immigrants don't typically hold the seat of power. There is obviously another group that likes this.... Tom: Yeah, a group of dimwits too immoral to recognize our need to stay away from Big Brother! Liberals! Crow: Why you little.... Mike: Guys! Tom: We'd be better off if they took our proposed tactics. Crow: Is that the "Shoot on Sight" tactics or the "Speak Spanish So They Think We're Compassionate" tactics? Mike: Guys! That's enough! Oh, forget the tea. Adrenaline will keep me awake. Mike, do you know where we're going yet? MW: We're there. The Winston Catacombs. [Catacombs. Mike beams down just as someone fires at close blank range. The person, who is faceless, misses. The faceless person fires again, in a random direction.] Mike: I'm in.... It's weird. There are faceless people here. They're shooting in every possible direction. But they're not hitting anything, or even really aiming. It's like they've got no strategy except to hope they hit something.... Tom: [V.O.] Congratulations. You found Al Gore's campaign strategy team. Crow: [V.O.] Bite me, Elephant Man. [The close faceless person fires, hitting Mike. The panda necklace absorbs the energy and then the faceless person.] MW: [O.S.] They're flames. Idea sprites. And they'll collapse your area, unless you can collect enough energy in that necklace. You have five minutes to be shot by every one--or else. Can you do that? [Mike looks around. There are caverns and drops everywhere. One man runs away, a second spins constantly, and a third is shooting a wall.] Mike: Yeah, nothing to it. [Scene 1-3. Mike must navigate the maze and move the characters until every one is "captured." This opens a secret room with a miniboss--a huge faceless man with a bazooka standing on the other side of a pool. Mike gathers the panda breast plate. He has one minute to "catch" a certain number of blasts from miniboss. A secret near the wall moves him closer to the miniboss.] [Miniboss disappears. Mike is transported to the other side.] Mike: I've got it! The second key and his bazooka. Second key is... a picture of a UFO. [Ground shakes.] Gypsy: [V.O.] That's not all you've got. There's a buildup of energy. [Mike screams as the screen is filled with light.] -----------End Part 2-------------------------------- [CONTINUED in Part 3.]