From: "Juliet A. Youngren" To: "Tim McLees" Subject: The GateMaster, Part 3 Date: Friday, November 30, 2001 12:25 AM THE GATEMASTER, Part 3 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): Melvin Pollack, Valeria, Jim Whaley, and Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren [CONTINUED from Part 2] [SOAR. Mike materializes on a glowing platform.] MW: Uh, did I mention the transporters? Mike: Just take me to the theater. MW: Just as soon as we have fanfic sign. Mike: When is that? MW: Ten minutes ago. All: Fanfic Sign!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > NYA'S HIDDEN PAST Tom: If it's that she used to be a guy, I'm leaving. Crow: I'm not. > Mobius Crow: The strip! See, 'cause it's a... Mike: We get it. > - Inner Robotropolis Mike: That anything like my inner subconscious? Tom: Psychology has really gotten weird. > Sub Perimeter of Tom: Steak and Cheese! All: Yum. > Central Hanger Tom: I hope they give us an atlas soon. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Tom: And a Farmer's Almanac. > Thurs. 9:45 PM Mike: [Joe Friday] We were called down to West Los Angeles to investigate a robbery involving Blue Boy... > > It was cold. Crow: [narrator] There. I said it, and I'm not sorry. > It was also dark, Crow: Yeah, but was it stormy? > despite the full moon, because > of the Tom: --Fact that a werewolf just covered your eyes and is about to eat you!!! AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!! > perpetual haze that blanketed Robotropolis. Tom: No no, that's *purple* haze. Mike: See, I told you it was West LA. Crow: So, Blue Boy would be Sonic. He's the guy on drugs, huh? Tom: Yep. I'm betting Speed. > Until just > recently, activity in the city had been quite routine. Mike: Get up, do stuff, go back to sleep, get up, do stuff, go back to sleep, fail to capture Sonic, get angry, go back to sleep... > In the last > few months, however, activity had boomed. Crow: Ironically at the same time the thermonuclear device was developed. > A completely new building > had been erected in the heart of Robotropolis. Mike: Wow, one new building. Crow: Their economy must be growing like...fingernails. > Heavy machinery was > being hauled in day and night. All: INDUSTRY! Mike: So, he built a fancy new building to store machinery. Your tax dollars at work. > Intelligence gathered by FreedomNet Crow: The Web Portal for all you revolutionaries out there. Mike: FreedomNet? Is that anything like CNN? Tom: If they have the same amount of coverage. > had detected convoys being made by Robotnik's sub-bosses from bases > all over the world. Crow: Or boxes from sub-basements all over the world. Tom: Or sub-bassos from buses all over the world. > They still had no clue what was being > transported in the convoys, but they were working on it. Mike: [Sub-Boss] Yeah, I know I don't have the right clearance. But I just have to find out what's in those boxes before I deliver them to myself. > > That's why a gray wolf called Hears the Wind and a red wolf > named Nya Swiftpaw Crow: That's Cherokee for "Made Wind Other Wolf Heard." Tom: Just tell me that Chakotay doesn't make a cameo. Chakotay: [v.o.] I heard that. All: What? The hell? Chakotay: [v.o.] Whoops. Wrong theater. > were lying on their stomachs perched on the roof of a > close-by tower. Tom: Well, I guess low knowledge of a new operation is a good reason to sun yourself. Crow: [Nya] And that cloud looks like a giant new building being erected in the heart of Robotropolis. Mike: [HtW] You have such an imagination. > They were watching the giant hanger complex Mike: They interrupted the spy plot to bring us to their date? Crow: Hey! I heard The Giant Hanger Complex was the best movie since Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines. > that had > been cropping up over the last few days. All: [singing] Inch by inch. Row by row. Gonna make those buildings grow. > Hears the Wind passed the > sight-ranging binoculars to Nya. Mike: He bought those from the Sharper Image catologue. Crow: She failed to catch the binoculars, and they fell 30 stories before killing Ivo Robotnik, who was on a smoking break. Tom: [Nya] Uh... Great plan of mine, huh? > > Hears the Wind had only hooked up with the pack a few weeks > ago, Crow: Wow. Hooks for an orgy! Mike: Crow! Crow: Sigh. So many off-color remarks, so little time. > but he'd already started to develop deep feelings for the red > wolf. Tom: [singing] And so I fell for ... the leader of the pack! Mike: I guess we had to do that one sooner or later. > He couldn't help thinking that she'd be the perfect mate for > him. Mike: [Abbott] If you're good, you can be my first mate. Crow: [Costello] Are you sure you won't get tired of me? > She'd shown him nothing but kindness since the pack found him > wandering in Crow: [Costello] Well, you don't even appeal to me! > the Badlands. Mike: Hey! It's supposed to be *Great* Badlands! > He was sure she felt the same feelings > for him. Tom: He'd never bothered to ask, but those telepathic messages from his pet hamster wouldn't lie. Mike: Tom, I think he *is* the pet hamster. > > Lately though, Nya had become harder to talk to. Crow: [HtW] Damn that Esperanto experiment. > He wanted to > know everything about her, Tom: The IMDb saves the day. > but she never seemed to open up to him > completely. Tom: Sound familiar, Mi-- Mike: If I ever hear those words again, I will tear out your motherboards and replace them with Pop Tarts. Tom: Shutting up. > It was like she was trying to hide something. Mike: For instance, the fact that she couldn't stand the sight of him. > Tiyakitna > didn't press her though. Crow: Who's Tiyakitna? His alternate personality? Tom: Aparently "Hears the Wind" was deemed a wimpy name, so they changed it. > Whatever she couldn't tell him now would be > revealed in the course of time and when she felt comfortable. Crow: And with semaphore flags. Tom: [Yogurt] I cannot reveal that now. It shall be explained at the proper time toward the end of the movie. > > Hears the Wind looked back at the complex. He hadn't been > obligated to take this mission. Tom: Unfortunately, he forgot to return it within 30 days, forcing him to keep it. > He wasn't a member of this > particular clan of the Wolfpack, Mike: Oh, they're Scottish. Tom: In that case, "Skye" should fit right in. > but Nya was eager to go Crow: [Nya] A suicide mission! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Tom: Maybe Nya's the mirror character of Fox Mulder. > and so > Hears the Wind knew he had to go too. Tom: Just to impress her. Crow: Sound ...um... amicable, Mike? Mike: [slow burn] > > A walkie-talkie clipped to Nya's belt began to flash. Tom: [chirpy] You've got distress call! Mike: Nya and Here's Windy are both captured and killed solely because Nya never heard of "vibrate" mode. > > "Nya," Hears the Wind said, "I think we've got a call." Crow: It's God. He thinks we should have women at our private school. Tom: [Robin Williams] It would have been funnier if God had called collect. Mike: Nobody's going to remember *Dead Poet's Society*, fellas. > > Nya turned a dial on top of the walkie-talkie until it > clicked, Crow: Right before it fell off. Tom: [Nya] My God! I should have pushed the button instead. > rendering it an active line of communication. Mike: Wow, there's such intricate detail in this fanfic. > From the > other end, they heard the voice of the pack leader, Lupe. Tom: It's Lupe, the loopy lupine! > > "Calling 'Team Two'. Mike: [German] Where is Siegfried? Tom: [German] Hello, Roy! > Do you read me Team Two? Please Report. > What is your status?" Crow: [Nya] First of all, we're Team Three, moron. Tom: [HtW] And we're bored. Can we go home? > > Nya held the microphone close to her muzzle. Tom: [Nya] I thought I told you never to call me here. > "This is Team > Two. No unusual activity to report here." Mike: [Nya] Just a building that appears out of nowhere, a convoy manufacturing plant, and my partner is listening to fart noises. Everything's status quo. > > Lupe's snicker could be heard over the receiver. Tom: Causing the SWATBots to zero in and shoot them both. The end. > "I hope you > two lovebirds Crow: Shouldn't that be love-wolves? > are actually watching the hanger instead of each > other." Tom: Sound famili--no, wait... > > Tiyakitna and Nya smiled at one another. Mike: And a jealous Hears the Wind kills them both. Tom: No, I really think Tiyakitna and Hears the Wind are the same person. Crow: So THAT'S why you never see them both in the same room. > > *CHA-CHOOOOOOOOOOM...* The dome-shaped doors of the hanger > split in half and slid apart. Crow: A giant robot comes out, Sonic destroys it, then Robotnik gets all huffy. Mike: The two spies are so busy looking at each other that they fail to notice until it's too late. > > "Lupe!" Nya shouted into the handset, Crow: Shouldn't that be "pawset"? Tom: [Nya] I've realized I need my freedom! I'm too young to settle down! > "-the hanger is opening! Mike: [Nya] And they're offering 50% off on all women's sweaters! Get down here quick, and bring your credit cards! > Tell everyone to withdraw from the area!" Crow: It's a plane! Run away! Run away! > > "Nya! Tiyakitna! You've got to get outta' there! Team Four > just Tom: --Stole a tank of gas! > spotted a squad of hoverheads converging on your location!" All: Hoverhead? Mike: Should have taken Sudafed instead. > > Hears the Wind grabbed Nya's hand. Crow: Paw. Mike: Enough. > Together they hurried to > the other side of the building. Before they could reach the edge and Crow: They've already reached the edge. Of insanity. > climb down to the next lower level, a flying hoverhead rose above > the ledge. Nya gasped. Tom: Hey, maybe they'll get on a motorcycle and jump over the hoverhead, like in Tomorrow Never Dies. > The two wolves turned tail and ran. Crow: "Freedom Fighters." Yeah, right. > > "Split up!" Nya shouted. Crow: Doh! Dumped before you even asked her out. Even Mike's never sunk that low. Mike: That's not true. Once I... Hey! > > Tiyakitna broke Tom: [Nya] Eww! I didn't mean that *literally*! > left and Nya headed right. Mike: Standard quarterback pass play, I guess. > The hoverhead gave > chase to Hears the Wind. Their plan might have worked All: --If it hadn't been for those meddling kids! > had not > another hoverhead arrived to chase Nya. Crow: [announcer voice] Bicycling, weenie roasts, running like a white-assed deer from genocidal maniacs--*all* fun things to do on a date! > > Crow: Crow, not a word. Mike: Thanks. > Nya sprinted across the roof turning left, right, > and left again down a lane of air vents, smokestacks, and air ducts. Tom: [hoverhead] Well, traffic seems light on Smokestack 53, but there's an accident on Vent 495.... > The lane was too narrow for the hoverhead to follow directly behind > so it gained altitude to fly above her. Mike: Did anyone think it would fly below her? > 50 feet down the lane, Nya > saw the edge of the roof. Crow: Then Nya pulls out a grappling hook, latches it onto an obstruction from the roof, attaches a rope, jumps off, falls into the driver's seat of her souped-up BMW, activates the ground-to-air missiles and drives off to the tune of fancy jazz music. Mike: That's it. I'm not taking you to see The World Is Not Enough. Crow: Aww... > Nya reached the end of the lane when the > hoverhead dropped out of the night sky like a bird of prey. Crow: [Chekov] She musta been cloaked, Captain. > Nya > slipped and fell on her bottom in surprise. All: [Laughing.] Tom: The Neptune Men must be invading. Mike: [Nya] The hoverhead! It's hovering! I never knew it could do *that!* > > Nya inched backwards on all fours, palms and feet, trying to > scoot away from the landing hoverhead Mike: Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. Crow: Isn't it funny when a *girl* tries to escape danger? > and back into the safety of > the narrow lane. Mike: Why did she leave it in the first place? > She didn't make it. Fear froze Nya to the spot. Crow: My God, man! Now it's a Batman and Robin crossover. > > *Shhhhhhhhick* Tom: Out of shhhhhhhhape. > The hatch opened and the exit ramp was > deployed. A single red boot appeared from the craft Crow: [Robotnik] All right! I'll wash my socks! Now come back! > followed by the > rest of the pilot's body. Crow: But not his head. Muhahahahaha .... > > "Nya. What a pleasant surprise. It's been a long time." Tom: We should have kept it that way. > > Pure acid dripped from Nya's acknowledgment: "Robotnik." Crow: She spits acid? That's a cool superpower. I want to spit acid too, Mike. Mike: Now Crow, you know your metalic skin will peel off. Crow: I don't care. It'll be cool. > > Robotnik feigned being hurt. Tom: He shouldn't have to pretend, with all that acid dripping around. > "Now is that any way to talk to > your former master? Crow: [Robotnik] By calling me by my ACTUAL name? Tom: [deep voice] I am the master. Mike: Only a master of evil, Lord Vader. > You wound me to the quick, my dear. Tom: Huh? Crow: Isn't Robotnik supposed to be supervising the construction of that tower in the heart of Robotropolis? > I would > think you'd be more grateful to me Tom: [Robotnik] --For chasing you in this lovely hoverhead! > for having let you retain your > personality when I roboticized you." Mike: You what? No wonder she escaped. Tom: Hasn't Robotnik learned anything? Crow: Yeah, but Mike, being roboticized while keeping your personality sounds kinda cool. Tom: Think about it. Except for the assimilation thing, being a Borg drone would be cool, wouldn't it? Mike: I guess so... > > "Even a slave with a personality is still a slave, Robotnik," > spat Nya. Crow: What the hell? Does she wear a retainer? > > Robotnik ignored her. Tom: Allowing Nya to stab him in the back while he was preoccupied. The end. > "Come to think of it my dear, you never > did tell me how you were de-roboticized. How did that come about, > hmmm?" Mike: [Nya] Lotion! *Lots* of it! > > "I'll tell you, Robotnik," Nya said obligingly, Crow: [Nya] I stood in a parking space in New York. Every piece of metal was gone by the end of the day. > "-the day you > get a life." > > "How utterly imaginative," Robotnik said with a bored voice. > "I've heard that one before." Mike: [Robotnik] You said that the last time you were de-roboticized and I had to go capture you. Tom: [Nya] Okay then, how about this one? A priest, a rabbi, and a Martian walk into a bar .... > > Robotnik nodded toward his escort. "Packbell, would you come > here for a minute?" Crow: [Packbell] Time for another pedicure, my liege? > > Meanwhile, Tiyakitna was still being pursued by a hoverhead. Crow: Those hoverheadhunters are getting pushy. > He was ahead of his pursuer, Tom: Well, obviously. If he wasn't ahead of his pursuer, the chase would be over! > but was quickly tiring. He'd be caught > soon Tom: Ah. Someone afraid of commitment. > unless he thought of something quick. Crow: Like a jet plane, or Florence Griffith Joyner. > Hears the Wind spotted a > length of heavy chain ahead of him. Crow: [HtW] Of course! I can call OSHA and get the place closed down. > Hears the Wind swiftly gathered > it up Tom: So, he's running and he bends down to pick up a heavy chain. Mike: If he succeeds despite the laws of momentum, he probably runs into a wall. > and wrapped the ends around a pillar and a piece of pipe. Mike: [HtW] There. Now it's pretty. > > The hoverhead turned the corner. When the spotlight > illuminated its prey, Tom: Yikes! He's become one of the Illuminati! > the craft rushed at him. Crow: [Hoverhead] Can I have your autograph? > Tiyakitna held his > ground until the last possible second. Tom: [Tiyakitna] This land is MY land! Crow: [Tiyakitna] Hit me! I won't move! I promise! > Just before the hoverhead > mowed him down, Mike: [Rick Moranis] Honey, I shrunk the foxes. And the neighbor's hedgehogs too. > the wolf looped the chain around Tom: ...his own neck and hanged himself rather than let himself be taken prisoner. > the nose of the > hoverhead. Crow: [HtW] Aloha! Welcome to our island. > > The hoverhead shot past. Tom: [Hoverhead] Was I supposed to shoot something back there? Naaahhh. > Then the chain pulled taunt. Mike: [Chain] You call this a nose? I've played basketball with smaller objects! Crow: Story proofread by Dan Quayle. > The > thrust and momentum of the hoverhead flipped it, causing it to > crash upside-down on the adjacent roof. Tom: A triumphant Tiyakitna "tauted" the pilot mercilessly! > > Just then, Tiyakitna saw what was happening on the far corner > of the building. Tom: [HtW] Strange place to put a hot dog stand. Crow: [HtW] Nya, no! Bad dog! I thought you'd been paper trained. > > Nya had been caught!!! Mike: They've been chased in two different directions by hoverpods and were running for minutes, and they're still on the same roof? > > Hears the Wind broke Crow: Let's just pause the fanfic and reflect on the eloquence of that phrase. > into a sprint. Dropping on all fours, he Tom: Reflected he shouldn't have had so many beers. > gained a bit more speed. Crow: If he hurried, he might get back to Knothole in time for Danger Mouse! > As he reached the ledge, he didn't stop to > go around but instead jumped with all his might, All: Jump, jump, jump! Mike: What some people will do to avoid using the elevator. > his speed carrying > him 14 feet through the air to the other side. Crow: It's Super Hears The Wind! Tom: The Last Action Wolf! Mike: Tiyakitna...man. Crow: Pat Pumaman! Tom: Space Chief! Mike: McCloud! > > Tiyakitna's eyes grew wide as he saw the uniformed android > pick Nya up by the neck. Crow: [HtW] Only I can pick Nya up. [normal] Get it? 'Cause they're lovers... Tom: We get it. > Nya writhed and squirmed in Packbell's > grasp, her hands clawing frantically at Packbell's wrist. Mike: [Nya] How do I stop a metal enemy? I know! I'll dig my fingernails into its skin! > > The android dangled Nya over the edge. Crow: [Packbell] Does this bother you? > Her body was 200 feet > off the ground, suspended only by the scruff of her hackle. Mike: The whatzis of huh? > Nya > looked down, fear etched into her face. Crow: [Nya] Hey! Some jerk's stealing my car! > Packbell delighted in the > emotional surge of causing pain -achieving a literal high. Mike: No, I'd say Nya's the one who's "literally high" at the moment. > > Nya's tear-filled eyes faced Commander Packbell. Mike: [Packbell] I should question you in an attempt to gain information. But I'm being emotional this week. > She thought > of begging for Tom: Kibbles and Bits! > her life, for mercy, for charity, but deep down Nya > knew Crow: That Packbell was really a "Compassionate" Conservative. > when she looked into the android's eyes that she'd only be > bargaining with a machine. Mike: Like those one-armed bandits at Caesar's Palace. Bots: Oh, I guess we're not good enough, huh?! > She knew that if she allowed them to > take her they'd Mike: Be disappointed at her bedroom performance. Tom: Mike! Crow: Heh, heh. Welcome to the dark side of the riff. > roboticize her again. Once more she'd be > unforgivingly locked in a body of cold golden steel, Crow: HEY! What's she got against cold golden steel? > unable to do > anything against her cruel master's bidding. Tom: [sobs] Oh, we know the pain. Mike: Just because I made you clean out the load pan bay.... Tom: It is not fair. It is not just. It is plushie Gor. Mike: [shuddering] Dear *God,* Tom, this is the Internet--don't just *blurt* out ideas like that! [Pause.] Crow, what are you writing? Crow: [quickly concealing a notebook and pencil] Uh...nothing. Yeah, really weird ideas. Terrible. > > Hears the Wind exited the narrow corridor, rushing onto the > rooftop clearing. Jumping to his feet, Tiyakitna stood ready to do > whatever it took to save Nya. Tom: ...but wimped out when he found out it would take muscle. > > "Robotnik!" Hears the Wind called. Mike: Oh, yeah. That'll work. > > Robotnik turned towards the brave wolf. Crow: [HtW] Stop looking at the brave wolf and face me, moron! > > "Let her go." Tiyakitna pleaded. "--Please," he added > desperately. Tom: How heroic. Crow: That won't work. Pull out a gun. > > Robotnik chuckled to himself. "And what, pray-tell, will you > offer me in return if I do?" Mike: [HtW] A set of Ginsu knives! Absolutely free with this offer! > > Hears the Wind went silent for a mere second. Crow: [HtW] Should I offer him ten dollars? Nah, she's not worth that much. > A subdued look > of resignation fell across his face. His eyes locked on Nya's for an > instant. Tom: [HtW] I'm quitting because of you. > > "I love you," he mouthed wordlessly before his gaze fell to > the ground. Mike: [HtW] She's going to die... Ooh! Ants! > > "Take me," he said quietly. Crow: Out to the ballgame. Mike: Crow! That was... clean? Crow: Believe me, Mike. I did not even want to conceive the possibility of an off-color riff here. > "I'll go of my own will. I will > serve you." Mike: [Robotnik] I accept. Get over here so I can dangle you over the edge. > > For an instant, Robotnik looked startled. Tom: [Robotnik] My God! We're actually going to use THAT old cliche? Crow: [Robotnik] Crap, I don't think I have a chauffeur's uniform in your size. > > "An intriguing offer, uh..." Robotnik waved his hand -- > inviting the wolf to fill in the blank. Crow: You may not be captured until you pass the SATs. > > "Tiyakitna," the wolf spoke. "It means the wind speaks to > me." Mike: [Tiyakitna] Often it says, "Those little Vietnamese peppers were a bad idea." Crow: Hey Mike, how come one word always means an entire sentence in these Ancient American languages? Mike: They developed an intricate system of shorthand over a period of millenia. > > Hears the Wind wasn't stupid. Tom: He just acts that way on TV. Crow: Hell, by the standards of the Bush family he's a Fulbright scholar. [Tom growls] > He knew that Robotnik had no > intention of just letting go of Nya, Crow: Actually, I think that might be the point... Mike: He means letting her go free. > but it might buy him time to > think of something else. Crow: [HtW] Hm...I could try to rescue her. Nah. Mike: [HtW] That way, I won't have to sacrifice myself. Am I heroic or what? Tom: This looks like a job for....Exposition Man! > > Robotnik grinned, fingering his mustache. Tom: [Snidely Whiplash] A nice try, Dudley Do-Right, but I'll still be able to foreclose on those morgages. > "It's quite an > intriguing offer, Tiyakitna. Crow: [Robotnik] But cram it. > But as surprising as it sounds, this is > not the first time I have ever heard of someone voluntarily > surrendering to undergo roboticization. Tom: [Robotnik] It happens every three hostages or so. > Goldenfire must mean a lot > to you." Crow: Ba dum! Ba DUM! Mike: That's Goldeneye. Crow: Whoops. Sorry. > > "Goldenfire?" Hears the Wind voiced. Mike: It's okay to use the word "said," you know. > > Robotnik looked at Nya, smiling evil-ly Tom: Someone get this guy an adverb guide. > as the red wolf hid > her face with her hands. Crow: [Nya] I can't believe I did that fraternity stunt. Now I'll always have that nickname. > > "Nya," Robotnik teased. "You never told him about our little > relationship, did you?" Crow: Oh, *yuck*--and you think *we're* bad? Mike: It's called not pouring gas on the fire, Crow. Enough. > > Robotnik wasted no time in telling Tiyakitna about his > perspective mate's shameful secret. Tom: Yes, Robotnik put it all in "prospective" for him! > Believe me, it was a *big* > secret. Tom: [narrator] I've got a very busy life and no time to tell *you,* but trust me--we're talkin' *big!* > > "Nya was born without a tail. Crow: The hell? Tom: In an unforseen accident, the stork shipped the tail to Tails instead. > Because of her misfortune, her > clan treated her as a demon Tom: Yeah, that would be one of those classic demon signs. > and rejected her as an outcast. Crow: They never let poor Nya join in any Wolfpack games. > So much > for your people's superstitious beliefs, eh? Mike: Hey, that's racist against Canadians! > The treatment she > received from her fellow pack members finally became so unbearable > that she ran away." Crow: [HtW] My God! You were an outcast? I'm afraid I can't love you anymore. > > Hears the Wind's heart was consumed with sympathy for Nya. 'I > can't even begin to imagine the pain she went through.' Crow: [Tiyakitna] I mean, if *I* were that kind of hideous mutant outcast freak, you'd find me floating face-down in the-- Mike: Stop. > > "When she wandered into Mobotropolis, Mike: [Nya, singing] But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the Sun. > she heard about a > miraculous new medical technology that was being developed by Sir > Charles Hedgehog to cure paralysis and replace missing limbs and > organs." Crow: So she hacked into the HMO computer system and enrolled. > > "Thinking that this new technology could give her a tail, > she sought out and found Sir Charles. Tom: [Sir] No! I'm retired! Go away! > He agreed to her request of > becoming a test subject Mike: Today's exams are Math, English, and the Fox without a Tail. Crow: Ooh, I know about the last subject. That's a fable about how a fox lost his tail, so he convinced the other foxes about the benefits of being tailless. > once the first test had been performed." Crow: I hate it when flashbacks intertwine, forcing you to look at other flashbacks. > > Tiyakitna thought to himself. 'What's his point? Tom: [Tiyakitna] Why is he telling me about my girlfriend's incredible misery and loneliness? I've got problems of my own, you know! > Or does he > even have one?' Crow: Sure--on his head. > He thought it over until he realized that Robotnik > was just doing it to hurt Nya. That just made him angrier. Tom: He's evil. Get used to it. > > "Unfortunately, the first test ended with disastrous > consequences for Sir Charles' own brother, Jules. Crow: Can I say it? Please? Mike: [sigh] Okay. Crow: So, would that mean an injury to the family Jules? Tom: Wow! Dark, off-color AND a pun! Impressive. > Because of this > tragedy, Sir Charles discontinued his experiments and resigned his > title as Minister of Science. Tom: Which is too bad, because the scientific community needs more members who commit fratricide. > Nya confronted him, but the hedgehog > refused to work his machine ever again. Mike: One disaster, and he becomes a Luddite. > Shortly thereafter, I myself > was appointed Minister of Science. Crow: Would that be a guy that calls creationists heretics? > As it appeared, I was Nya's last > hope. Tom: But then we saw...Mighty Mouse! > She came to me in tears, crying at my feet for me to help > her." Mike: [sighs] If we can figure this story out on our own, can we be excused? > > Robotnik clasped his hands, tilted his head, and looked toward > heaven Mike: [Robotnik] Oh, crap. I threw out my back. > --trying to appear saintly. "And being the *great* > humanitarian that I was, I agreed." Crow: [Robotnik] So I took her money and fled to Sweden. That's why she's evil. > > From the other side of the terrace Tiyakitna heard the muffled > sounds of Nya weeping into her hands. Tom: Some people are just too cheap to buy moisturizer. Crow: Say, is she still being held by her neck over a 200-foot drop? > His heart went out to her. Now > he understood why she had gotten so evasive when he asked about her > past. Mike: She knew that using robotics to replace a lost limb would create endless comparisons to Daveykins. > > "That night in the lab, Nya became my first creation. I named > her Goldenfire." Crow: Goldenfire Mandelbaum--fastest draw at the mah-jongg table! Mike: You wanna unpack that one for me, Crow? Crow: Uh...I have no idea. Sorry. > > Hears the Wind's jaw hung open in shock. Crow: [Hears the Wind] Wow. I'd have named her "Red Rover." > > Robotnik fed on Tiyakitna's astonishment. Tom: Followed by a delicious, palate-cleansing existential disillusionment. > It was time to move > in for the final blow. Mike: [Robotnik] And then I canceled her insurance policy! Mwa, ha, ha! > > "Yes, Tiyakitna. At thirteen years-old, your Nya was quite an > efficient soldier. Crow: The mirror image of Marrissa Picard, ladies and gents. > In her seven years of service to me, Goldenfire > captured six hundred prisoners with a 99.9% roboticization rate." Mike: But what about her tail? You kind of left a loose end here. Tom: So 599.4 of them were roboticized. What happened to the other .6 of a prisoner? Crow: Remember Bunnie Rabbot? > > The tyrant paused, staring into the middle distance. Mike: [Robotnik] Can you move that cue card up a little? Thanks. > > "Hmm, quite an outstanding record," Robotnik mumbled to > himself. Mike: "Sergeant Pepper"? Yes, it was. > He repeated the stats again like a child reading a baseball > card as the numbers took on greater meaning. Tom: [Robotnik] Damn! I should have used her in my fantasy league. Mike: Uh...Robotnik? Buddy? Crow: Hey, we're doin' a *scene* here, 'Botnik! Chop, chop! > Packbell's record was impeccable > too, but the dangling female wolf he had now...she had topped it (in > her robotic prime, of course). Mike: But she got a better offer. Robotnik's organization just suffers from high turnover. > > Robotnik re-evaluated his prior plan of killing them both. He > still wanted nothing to do with the male (he'd be too difficult to > control). Tom: Then why don't you just, oh, I don't know, ROBOTICIZE HIM?!? > But perhaps Nya was still suited for the job as his > robotic champion. Mike: Could you just flip a coin or something so we can get on with this? > > Nya choked on her breath. Mike: Talk about needing a Tic Tac. > She couldn't let what happened to > her happen again. She was lost already. Crow: Better find that info desk, then. > Like Hears the Wind, Nya was > still under the impression that Robotnik was planning to roboticize > them both. Tom: Thank you very much, Mr Roboto ... > She couldn't let Tiyakitna share her fate as a soulless > automaton. Mike: Oh, she's an engineer. Crow: [Dilbert] Run! It's too late for me, but you can still escape! Run! > The only way to save him would be to destroy what he was > trying to save. Crow: [Sisko] So you intend to destroy Paradise in order to save it? > > "Tiyakitna!" she called. Mike: [Nya] I want my Jethro Tull records back! Tom: [Nya] I can see your house from here! Crow: I thought she was being choked or something. > > Hears the Wind looked at her. Tom: [HtW] You're going to kill yourself? Cool. > > "I love you too." All: Awwwww. > > Nya broke Packbell's grip, ripping great tufts of fur off her > neck. All: [singing] Goodness, gracious! Great tufts of fi-ur! Tom: [British accent] She's got great, huge ... tufts of fur! > > Nya fell. Tom: ...three feet to the ground. Crow: [Nya] Damn! So much for a glorious suicide. > > By the time he got to her it was too late. Crow: She had already contacted a lawyer, and was speaking of punitive damages. > The hand he reached > out Tom: And touched someone? > to her with would never grasp that slender wrist or touch that > loving hand. Crow: Paw! > She was already falling. Mike: So he really didn't reach her, then. Bots: Yep. > He knew then that he'd > remember that look of absolute terror for the rest of his life. Crow: [Nya] What is that hanging from your nose?!? > > "NYAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed. Crow: [confused] What? "Nyaaah, nyaaah, you're dying and I'm not"? That's not very nice! Tom: Mother Nature is a harsh mistress, Crow. > > Tiyakitna made to dive after her. Plunging to certain death > was nothing as long as he fell with her. Mike: But, technically, he wouldn't be falling with her. Crow: It's a Kabbalah thing, Mike. > > Suddenly he was grabbed by his neck from behind. Tom: Lotta characters being taken from behind in this story-- [Mike glares at him] Okay, *okay.* Geez. > Unbelievably, > Packbell almost looked sympathetic. Crow: [Packbell] I'm going to strangle you, but I feel sorry about it. > > "I'd feel your loss." Then Packbell sneered evilly and added, > "-If I Tom: [Packbell] Were a Clinton! > really cared! Tom: Oh, c'mon! We robots are wittier than that! > Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" Mike: A Prince of Space crossover? All: NOOOOOO!!!!! > > Hears the Wind went for Packbell's throat, but he never got > there. Crow: He got lost on the beltway. Again. Tom: Why go for it anyway? He's a *RO-BOT.* > The android thumbed the artery on the wolf's neck Tom: [Packbell] Before killing you, I need to check your pulse. > --instantly > knocking the lupine unconscious. Mike: So, in this universe, the Vulcans are evil robots. Tom: I'd say it made sense, but that's racist against Vulcans. > > The android picked up Hears the Wind's body and heaved it over > his shoulder. > > "I love my job." Tom: Well, I'll say this for him: how many others really do like their jobs? > > Whistling a happy tune, Mike: Boy. Disney movies have gotten DARK. > Packbell followed Robotnik into the > hoverhead carrying his unconscious passenger. Crow: [Robotnik] Now you're SURE that he fits into the overhead compartment? > The hatch closed > behind him. With a blast of air and the shrill whine of turbines, Tom: [turbines] Are we there yet? Crow: [same] I'm hungry! Mike: [same] I have to go to the bathroom! > the hoverhead rose into the air to hunt down the rest of the pack. Mike: And be vewy vewy qwiet. > > NYA'S DEATHHOWL Mike: By Allen Ginsberg. Tom: "I saw the best wolves of my generation destroyed by swatbots...." > Mobius - Inner Robotropolis > Sub Perimeter of Central Hanger Mike: So, let's recap. The wolves are scared of robotization even though they're being dangled over the roof, and their lives are threatened. Tom: Nya gets upset because her secret, that she was a free slave and a standard plot cliche, is revealed. She also wants to keep them from being killed and/or roboticized. Crow: So she kills herself, allowing the other to be roboticized. Mike: Well, I'll give credit--since futile deaths aren't typical cliche, I count this the first time the author is original. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Thurs. 9:49 PM Crow: I refuse to believe all of that stuff up there happened in only four minutes. > > On the cold ground, a female wolf's body lay sprawled out on a > pile of plastic scraps watching the hovercraft ascend into the dark > sky. Mike: Millions of wolves are homeless or impoverished. But for 70 cents a day, you can adopt a lupine.... > Had she fallen from a lesser height, the lupine might have > survived. Crow: But she didn't, so she died. Can we move on? > She didn't, Tom: [Maxwell Smart] Wait. Maybe she landed on the terrace. [Pause] Missed it by THAT much. > but Nya died secure in the knowledge that even > though she perished, the legacy of Goldenfire died with her. Crow: Even though it actually didn't because Robotnik blabbed it all to her boyfriend, but hey, why wreck her big Oscar-winning scene? > She > regretted keeping her past a secret. Crow: But we just established that she was glad nobody knew her past! Mike: [Nya] Well, Hears the Wind knows, but he's either dead or roboticized thanks to my ineptitude. > Since she'd never told anyone > else, there was no one left alive to carry out her final revenge. Tom: [Nya] Guess I should have handled the Hears-the-Wind thing better. Whoops. > > Futilely, she pleaded with her last breath to the personal > spirit she had always believed would protect her. Mike: [Nya] Dear Guardian Angel. You suck! Tom: [Nya, weakly] Venus...if you will...please send...a little fox for me to thrill... > This time, > however, she would pray for someone else. Tom: And I thought near-death experiences were supposed to make you *more* religious. Crow: Prayer forwarding, from Bell Atlantic. Dial Star-666. Mike: [mechanical] Your call is important to Destiny. To speak to Atropos, please press one now. To speak to Lachesis, press two... > > "Destiny, if you will listen to me... Tom: That's two breaths! Crow: [Destiny] Oh, yeah! Well Double-Nurgh to you, too! > ...one last > time... Tom: Three. > ...I beg you... Tom: Four! Mike: [Nya] Am I making you horny? [grunt. heavy breathing.] Bots: Mike!!!!! > ...guide him to us... ...and > help him... ...set them free..." Crow: [Destiny] I'm sorry, who is "him"? Guide him, where, to *us*? What's your point here? > > At this point she had to stop. Crow: [Operator] Please deposit 2.50 for the next three minutes. > Her breathing was becoming > labored Crow: It was forming a union and demanding a shorter work week. > and she was losing her sight. Tom: So falling makes you blind and pregnant. > She couldn't move. Besides, > she didn't want to. Mike: Sounds to me like the fox and sour grapes. > She couldn't fight the pain anymore. Tom: [sings] She hasn't got time for the pain... > She was > dying - and she knew it. Crow: Falling off a 30-story building kinda tipped her off. > > Nya's last thoughts were of Hears the Wind and the life with > him that would never be. Crow: The house in the suburbs, the two-car garage, the horrible tailless mutant inbred freak children-- Mike: I said, *stop.* > > A single tear fell from her eye. Mike: Then she turned into the alien from *Mars Attacks*. > Then the gentle beating of > her heart ceased. Mike: And...where's her death howl? Crow: The writer edited it out to make room for all that gobbledegook we just read. > The music of life came to an end. Tom: [brightly] But the music of *your* life never stops here on K-BAN. Next up, our tribute to Tommy Dorsey! > > Presently though, the cold and wet night air Mike: The night was moist. > seemed to fill > with a certain magic. Mike: [narrator] Or it could be a low-pressure front. We're not entirely sure. > A person would have sworn that her prayer had > been heard. Tom: Unfortunately, that person was committed to the sanitarium. > [They get up to leave.] Mike: Philosophical question for the day: If a wolf falls off a building and nobody hears her, does she make a sound? Bots: That was sick, Mike! Sick! [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [Bridge of the SOAR.] Cambot: Warning. Warbird is decloaking. Mike: Mike, do you have the...Mike? [MW is sitting in a meditative state.] Crow: Forget it. He's in snoozeville, USA. Gypsy: Mike, I'm getting an identification reading. It's an image from a role-playing newsgroup...ASR? Tom: [Looking over Gypsy's shoulder.] Oh, no. He found it. Mike: Found what? Tom: My postings. [Scene: Warbird interior. Evil battle music marches as a feminine figure walks past.] Tom: [v.o.] It's a character from my writings to the ASR game. A villian. [Female pulls black gloves over her olive-green hands.] Crow: [v.o.] And I'm sure that she's a curvaceous female for a literary reason. [We can see her more clearly--from the back--as she walks down the hallway. Her hair is raven black, matching her flight suit adorned with eagle emblems.] Tom: [v.o.] Yes there is, you pervert. In the Starfleet Universe, the Romulans are a matriarchy, so most officers... Uh, oh.... All but Tom: [v.o.] Fanboy! Fanboy! Tom: [v.o.] Can I go back to being accused of perversion? [She enters the bridge and sits down at command.] [SOL] Tom: The point is that I got tired of those wimpy TNG Romulans, so I developed...a better villian.... Mike: Oh boy. Gypsy: She is hailing us. Mike: Activate hexfield. [Hexfield opens to Warbird interior. The Romulan female, named Eilur th'Terryal, is sitting in the command chair. She has an athletic, curvaceous shape and an air of complete confidence. Her eyebrows are the typical slant but bend slightly toward the top. Her blue eyes are cold and unfeeling, piercing through the crew as if they were insects that just bit her. She likes margaritas and long walks in the rain.] Mike: Uh, hello? ET: [her voice is high-pitched] Hi. I'm, uh, like, commander Eilur th'Terryal...and I guess you're not. Tom: [relaxes] Thank God. She's just the comic relief. [Mike and Crow giggle. Eilur doesn't seem to mind.] ET: Anyway, on behalf of Dr. Forrester, I have to ask you two things. First, do you have any Grey Poupon? All: But of course. ET: And second, will you surrender or should I shoot at your ship until you're destroyed? Tom: Choice number one! Take choice number one! Crow: Number two! Number two! Gypsy: Take the box! MW: [collapses] I saw a city in the clouds.... Woah, who's the dominatrix? Mike: Wait a second. Why would you shoot us until we're destroyed? ET: Well, duh. If I shoot you until you grow bigger, that would be stupid, wouldn't it? Mike: Yeah, I can see.... ET: You have one minute to surrender, or else. And don't try anything funny, like presssing the hold button and planning escape, because I'm onto you, buster. [Starts searching compartments in her chair.] I am focused. I am ready. There is no way you'll distract me from my... Where's my damn lollipop stash? Mike: Excuse me? ET: Not you! I'm supposed to have my lolly stash right here.... Oh, someone's looking for a time-out.... Mike: Gypsy, mute button. Tom, how did you come up with a loony like that? Tom: It all started when I was told I write better drunk.... MW: But you're a robot. How can you get drunk? Tom: Well, I just try to get the side effects. Nausea, drowsiness, a desire to get loud, loss of motor coordination and brain cells, and so forth. So I listen to Al Gore's speeches. Crow: Wow, that's a good idea... HEY! Mike: We have one shot. We can bring down her shields using that code.... Tom: But that's a Romulan ship. How could we possibly find the code in time? Crow: Well, let me just fire up AskJeeves.... ET: Too late. [SOAR shakes] I just found out about your AI, who will be perfect for our operations, so.... [Gypsy is beamed off the ship.] ET: Oopsie. That button was supposed to fax a job offer. Boy, is my face green. Oh, well.... Crow: But... but you can't beam items through shields! ET: Uh, I figured out a way. During my lunch break. I was bored. It was raining. Meteor showers and all.... Mike: Can she do that? MW: She just did. Mike: But can she DO that? Tom: Well, she's not just comic relief. She's supposed to be a scientific genius, making her my number one plothole generator. Crow: I didn't realize you could be both. Tom: It's an experimental thing. ET: Now, I should shoot you, seeing as how that's my mission and how you might try to stop me. Mike: Uh, but you're going to let us go and try to save the girl, right? Isn't there some rule.... ET: Yeah, yeah. Damn union regulations. But I shall be triumphant, for I have... FOUND MY LOLLY!!! Mwa, ha, ha! [Hexfield closes.] Crow: That woman's one lolly short of a pop. Cambot: They've cloaked. But I think I can follow their original warp signature. MW: They're heading to the cloud city, where everyone is light- headed. Lots of buildings, floating highrises, and energy fields. Unless you have a hoverpad, it's too dangerous.... [All look at Tom.] Tom: [gulp] I'd like a recount. Crow: Okay, let's start.... Oh, wait. Someone kept telling me that recounts were against the Equal Protection Clause. Who could it have been, hmmm? Tom: Bite me, Donkey Boy. [Tom must fight his way through a "sky" world--jumping around rooftops, fighting villians, shouting "PumaMan," etc.] Tom: Hey, I have an idea! [Throws chain around pursuing robot.] Now we'll both pull taunts. Heh, heh. [Chain pulls taut. Robot begins to drag him around building.] Tom: AAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! [More fighting] [Tom lands on a roof. Nearby is th'Terryal and a giant robot. The robot is holding Gypsy in the air.] ET: You're too late. She's already given me the help I need to build the rest of Forrester's components. Tom: So now you'll just drop her over the edge and eliminate her, huh? ET: Uh, gee. I was just going to give her a wedgie and taunt her until she developed an eating disorder. Tom: Oh. ET: But a good idea is a good idea. Qompak, drop her over the edge. Tom: No, wait. ET: Yes, wait. First, Tom might want to hear about his friend, Gypsy. Or should I say, GoldenGlobe? Gypsy: [hides her face in her hands.] ET: Yes, before Gypsy came to be on your satellite, she was a force of evil never seen.... Gypsy: [looks up] This doesn't have to do with my recent sorority hazing involving a fishbowl? ET: Uh, no. Gypsy: Whew. ET: Before she was Gypsy, she was known as GoldenGlobe, a vindictive, sociopathic soldier that wiped out her own town and then proceeded to mayhem, torture, and the death or capture of entire town populaces. Tom: That's not true! Gypsy would never do that! It's not in her nature! ET: She managed to succeed in her rampages with a 99.9% success rate and a 1.9% prime rate! [Pauses. Repeats to herself over and over.] Tom: Besides, I watched Joel build her. ET: Oh, wait! I'm thinking of Courtney Love! Boy, is my face green. Gypsy: Servo, you should know...I have a secret past. When Joel first made me, I borrowed a library book...and never returned it! Tom: Oh, Gypsy. I've been living a lie as well. I...I used to drink milk straight from the bottle, with a 99.9% success rate. I'm so ashamed! ET: Hey! Like, for sure, I have a dark past, too! It all started when I learned how to suck the juice from a pickle.... Gypsy: Heard it. Tom: Wrote it. ET: Damn it. Tom: Please don't throw her over the edge. Just... take me. ET: Ooh, so you're anatomically correct. Okay, cool. Tom: [muttering] Somehow, I doubted Forrester would choose his minions on professionalism. [normal] No, I mean, I'll go of my own will. I will serve you. Let her go. Qompak: Duh, okay. [Lets go of Gypsy. Tom rushes to the building edge.] Qompak: [grabs Tom's neck from behind. Looks sympathetic.] I'd feel your loss. [sneers evilly] That is, if I didn't see Gypsy flying back up here with a jet pack. [Gypsy flies back onto the roof and tries to capture th'Terryal. Users control Tom as he defeats Qompak.] Tom: [Grabs a data rod, a camera, and the key: a nutcracker.] Let's get out of here. [CONTINUED in Part 4]