From: "Juliet A. Youngren" To: "Tim McLees" Subject: The GateMaster, Part 4 Date: Friday, November 30, 2001 12:26 AM THE GATEMASTER, Part 4 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): Melvin Pollack, Valeria, Jim Whaley, and Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren [CONTINUED from Part 3.] [SOAR] Mike: So, what about your Romulan friend? Tom: Long gone. These villians of mine are tricky, creative and resourceful. Eilur obviously had a complex escape plan already developed, and we didn't have a chance to stop her. [Skyrise building: main entrance] ET: [runs out] Taxi! Taxi!!! [runs into street, then O.S.] Taxi, stop! [Wheels screeching and accident noises, O.S.] ET: [O.S.] Took you long enough. [SOAR] Mike: Well, better buckle down. We have EPIC SIGN!!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > EVIL HAS A NAME Tom: The Backstreet Boys. Crow: Hey. I like the Backstreet Boys! [Mike and Tom stare at him.] Crow: Heh, heh. Did I say that out loud? > Mobius - Inner Robotropolis Mike: Evil is like an inferno raging inside you. > Prisoner Persuasion/Motivation Room Tom: [Pretentious actor] What's my motivation? > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Crow: This thing doesn't last more than one season, does it? > Thurs. 10:14 PM Crow: One minute earlier and this would have been an X-Files crossover. > Good as Robotnik's word Crow: Is Taster's Choice Coffee blends. > (never expected to see that phrase > -dij'ya), Tom: I must confess that seeing the phrase "dij'ya" did strike me as highly improbable unless Klingons were involved. > within minutes the other nine members of the wolfpack had > been captured. Mike: Wow! They could form a baseball team! > Fortunately, the clan's losses had been limited to > Nya's death Crow: Hey, Guys! Nya bit it! All: Woo hoo! > (not that any of them knew yet that Nya was dead). Tom: [HtW] Well, I did see Nya being thrown over the edge, but there still is a possibility of survival if the building was short enough. > The six males and three females were manacled Mike: They needed a prescription. You know, monacled... Bots: MIKE! Mike: Well, you guys get to make bad puns.... > to the wall behind a > glass partition. Tom: Ah, wolf under glass. My favorite. > Lupe was giving instructions to the elite members > of the pack Crow: She was giving instructions? Like what, "stay put?" > while doing her best to comfort the young members of the > clan. Mike: [Lupe] It's all right. We've just been captured by a guy that hates us.... Tom: [Lupe, singing] Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you.... > > Wolves took pride in being able to hide their fear from > others, but leaders like Lupe could tell when the members of her > tribe were frightened. Crow: [Lupe] My God! You guys piddled everywhere! Tom: [Wolf] We're not scared! We're just... uh... marking territory. Yeah, that's it. This room is now ours! > She knew them all well enough to sense what > lay behind the false bra Crow: SOCKS! Mike: CROW!!!! What have I told you a million times! Crow: Don't break up a word just to make a riff. > vado. MIke: And what did you just do? Crow: I broke up a word to make a riff. Mike: See the connection? Crow: No. > > "Don't antagonize him," Lupe warned. Tom: [Lupe] Try not to mention his weight. > "If Sonic were here it'd > be different, Crow: [Lupe] Sonic would antagonize him for us! > but our options are somewhat limited. Mike: [Lupe] We only have spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, and spam. > Just follow me > and we'll all get out of this all right." Crow: So our fearless leader's plan is to give in. How French of her. > > The steel door on the other side of the glass opened. Two > SWATbots carried in an unconscious wolf. Mike: [SWATbot] He definitely goes with the curtains. > His rear paws dragged on > the white tile floor. Tom: [Other SWATbot] Careful, moron! You're scratching a brand new floor! Mike: It's really hard to get the blood stains off that, let me tell you. > His head and tail hung limply as he was lifted > up and laid on a shiny metal table. Mike: I thought animals weren't allowed on the furniture. Crow: And now for the anal probing. [Stares from the others] Crow: Sorry, I couldn't resist. > > "Look Lupe, it's Tiyakitna! Mike: [child's voice] And he's walking funny and foaming at the mouth--*cool!* > What are they going to do to > him?" Crow: [Lupe] You see, honey, when a boy wolf and a girl wolf love each other very much, the owners take steps to make sure that no unwanted baby wolves are produced.... > > Lupe looked at the eleven year-old All: THE HELL?!? Tom: That's just what this story needed. A Freedom Fighters Kids Crew. Mike: The family that spies together...dies together. Crow: I know Sally wanted to give the mission to the less experienced members, but come on! > - then back at the > motionless body lying on the table. Lupe figured Tom: [narrator] --That this was as good a time as any for the clan to learn the principle of "better you than me." > the clan was about > to witness the murder of one of their own. Mike: Shock TV has gone TOO far. Damn these Fox specials. > Along with this heinous > suspicion though, she was comforted by a faded memory of her father, > the former chief of the pack. Crow: Who wasn't alive to see how much she screwed up. > He once told her that to die for a > cause you believe in was the greatest honor one could achieve. Tom: Hey. No wonder we had the phrase "dij'ya." These guys ARE Klingons. > Lupe > answered the young girl confidently. Mike: [Lupe] Look it up. > > "He is about to receive a great honor." Tom: BZZT! Oh, I'm sorry. The correct answer is "He's about to be horribly tortured to death." How much did you wager? > > The young wolf's eyes followed Lupe's as they gazed through > the glass together at the unconscious warrior. Crow: [Child] A great honor? Wow! Mommy, can I be murdered for no reason too? Mike: [Lupe] Maybe I should rethink my explanation. Tom: You know, this story is a lot like Watership Down, except that the thought of the imminent death of the animal heroes at the whim of evil humans makes me incredibly happy. > > Awareness was slow in coming to him. Crow: How I envy him. > Regaining consciousness > was like trying to swim from the bottom of a river to break the > surface of the water. Mike: So, recovering from a coma gets you all wet? > His throbbing head welcomed him to the world > of the waking. Tom: [HtW] Man. What was in that punch last night? > When he All: [singing] Woke up this morning, you were on his mind.... > opened his eyes his vision was cloudy but he > found himself lying down, Mike: [HtW] Lazy bum! Oh, that's me. > spread out on a metal table. Crow: For those of you just tuning in. > His first > question was how he got there, but he'd only half asked it before he > remembered everything. Tom: [HtW] Oh, God! Tell me I left with the skinny one! > > The wolf's eyes rolled with the intense pain throbbing in the > back of his head. "Ungh..." Mike: Didn't we go through all this with Nya last chapter? > > "Good!" A voice boomed beside him. Mike: [Robotnik] You've been successfully turned into a Neanderthal. Crow: So we get every minor detail except that the main bad guy was in the room with him. > "I dearly wanted you to be > awake for what's going to happen next." Crow: SUPERBOWL! > > Robotnik's head receded from his field of vision. Tom: [HtW] Robotnik? Geez, I couldn't have been *that* drunk! > The hot > light overhead was aimed right in his eyes. Mike: [Robotnik] Where were you on the night of the fifteenth? You wanna start telling the truth, punk? > He moved his head to get > a better look at where he was. Crow: [HtW] Yep. I'm on a table. > He saw the rest of the Wolfpack > behind the glass Tom: [HtW] That's the guy who stole my wallet. The one in the middle. > and immediately cursed himself as the reason they > hadn't escaped. Mike: Boy, everyone in this fic just has low self-esteem. > > "Wave to your friends, Tiyakitna," Robotnik said > enthusiastically. Crow: Okay, Robotnik may be the greatest scientific mind on the planet (I know that still isn't saying much), and he may be the smartest man when it comes to making others suffer, but I refuse to believe he knows how to pronounce that name! > > Tiyakitna tried to move his arm Tom: Hears His Wind really buckles under peer pressure. > and found his wrist held down > by a leather strap. Mike: CROW! Crow: Geez, Mike. You're dirtier than I am. > He tried to move his other arm and found the > same. Crow: Question. On a planet where animals are sentient, would you REALLY have leather? > Robotnik started laughing gleefully. > > "Just kidding." Mike: [Robotnik] Now touch your toes. (Giggle-giggle) Woah, I'm on a roll tonight. Now do a sit-up. Feel the burn! > > This situation was bad. Crow: [HtW] I can't wave to my friends! > Hears the Wind didn't see a way out. Tom: Heck, that's easy. Exits are always located toward the front of the theater. > Prayer seemed to be the only (and most realistic) option at the > time. Mike: [HtW] Now I lay me down to sleep.... Crow: [HtW] Though I walk through the shadow of Death.... Tom: [HtW] Shema, Yisroel.... > Tiyakitna just hoped the spirits were listening well tonight. Tom: Oh, they were. Listening well and laughing their ethereal butts off. > > Packbell strolled down the corridor to the detention wing of > Robotropolis. Crow: [Packbell] The spirits have sent me to rescue Titicaca. Tom: Forget it. That kind of plot twist would require creativity. > He had been responsible for signaling the security > alarm that dispatched the hoverhead sortie. Tom: For pulling a false alarm, the fine is $15,000. > Robotnik had been > watching the same monitors from Command Central Mike: Comedy Central? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Crow: Get a grip, Mike. Tom: It's like a snake hater seeing a rope. > and had delayed > lift-off to catch a ride on the pursuing hoverhead. Crow: This is why we need a Passenger Bill of Rights from Congress. > As to why, > Packbell hadn't had the faintest idea then, but the commander had > learned long ago not to directly question his master's orders. Tom: [Torgo] beCAusE thE mAsTEr wOulD nOT aPpROovE If i DisObEyeD hIM. hE'S aLReadY kiLLeD mE tWicE tHis weEK. > (Not > that he planned to follow Robotnik forever. He had plans to be his > own boss someday.) Crow: [Packbell] Oh yeah, I'll dock my *own* pay someday! > > Packbell turned the corner and walked through the slide-away > doors All: CRUNCH! Crow: [Robotnik] Wait for them to SLIDE AWAY first! > of the prisoner persuasion/motivation room. Crow: Your standard company board room, then. > It was time for > him to do what he did best. It was time to play and earn his pay. Mike: Guess he's a Yankee, huh? > > "Ah, Commander," Robotnik welcomed. "So nice of you to come." Crow: [Robotnik] Have some strudel. > > "You know I wouldn't miss this," Packbell returned with a > deadly smile. Tom: [Packbell] I always go to the company picnic. > "It isn't everyday we get the love interest of a > former legend like Goldenfire." Mike: See, his job is to drop unsubtle innuendos referring to the uninteresting but dark pasts of other characters. Crow: And to think other managers have done that for free. > > Tiyakitna growled. Crow: [HtW] You wanna get into the ring with me?!? Punk! > "I don't care about Nya's past! I never > did! Tom: [HtW] She was so boring that I didn't care to learn anything about her! I just wanted to get her in the sack! > It wouldn't have mattered even if I'd known then! Mike: [singing] I don't care who you are...Where you're from.... Bots: MIKE!!!! > Nya wasn't > Goldenfire!" Crow: [HtW] She was framed by the one-pawed man! > > Packbell cast a threatening look at his captive, Tom: [Packbell] Are you still here? > then > disappeared from his field of vision. Mike: He has to go get his witty rejoinders off the web. Crow: [HtW] What sorcery is this? How are you able to disappear in this fashion? WHERE DID YOU GO? ANSWER ME!!! > > Without warning, something black and web-like came over his > face. Mike: Awww, he looks so beautiful in a veil. Crow: An alien pops out of this guy's chest in Part Six. Tom: You're confusing this with a GOOD fanfic. > A metal bit slid into his mouth, Crow: Bite down, please. > forcing his jaws to clamp > down. Tom: [HtW] Mmm, minty. > Then he felt something close tight around his muzzle. Mike: Boy. Just being in the same room as this paragraph makes me feel dirty. > A strap > was pulled taunt around the back of his head and fastened. Crow: [Strap] Little boy wanna cry? Can't understand the homonym? > His > muzzle was muzzled. Tom: Fanfic writing that attempts to be cute is punishable by death. > Hears the Wind couldn't talk, All: [cheering noises] > but he still > growled from the back of his throat in protest. Mike: [singing] You say you want a revolution. Well, you know.... > > "That's better," Packbell said. Crow: [Packbell] Whew! I thought I had bad breath. > > "Thank you, Commander," Robotnik said. Then he turned back to > the wolf. Tom: [Robotnik] You're getting your rabies shot whether you want it or not. > > "Did you know that there is a planet where *only* humans are > capable of speech? Mike: A planet where men evolved from apes? > You would do well to follow the example of *your* > kind on that planet." Tom: [HtW] OK. Squirrel! [Makes noises implying that our hero tore apart the room chasing a squirrel.] Mike: [Robotnik] Me and my big mouth. > > Satisfied that this remark had quieted his prisoner's growls, Tom: He'll spend the next three hours trying to figure out what that remark meant. > Robotnik proceeded. "Now, getting back to the subject of > Goldenfire..." Mike: [Robotnik] When I first saw that screen name on AOL.... > > 'Stop calling her that!' Tiyakitna thought. Crow: [Hears, without moving mouth] I'll project my mind at you! Don't make me! > It really burned > him that they insisted on calling her that evil name. Crow: [HtW] They should call her Nya Khan. At least THAT evil name lends respect. Tom: C'mon, "Goldenfire" isn't an evil name. You want an evil name, try something like "Death-Blood-Torture-Mutilator." > > "Goldenfire was created before I had written the freewill > suppression software that I now use in my Roboticizers. Tom: I wonder if she got a free upgrade. > She was > fully aware of everything she did as Goldenfire. She could have > easily resisted my commands, but she didn't. Mike: [Nya, German] But I was only following the orders of mein fuehrer. > She worked for me > willingly. Crow: [Robotnik] The threats, general robot control, and "discipline" programs helped a little, but let's forget about that.... > Face it, your Nya was a traitor. Tom: [Robotnik] Seeing as how she left MY group to join YOUR army. Uh, that wasn't as evil as I thought it would sound. Mike: [HtW] So when she has a nearly-perfect record she's your Nya, but when she betrays her whole species, suddenly she's MY Nya! > She was very vengeance- > driven too. Mike: Nya IS The Crow. > Her first victims were Crow: Her new fall season. Mike: Crow. Nya's wolf, not Fox. > the very clan that ostracized > her." Crow: They turned her into an ostrich? Tom: Gee, that sounded so much worse when you repeated it a third time. Listen, pal. When my ASR RP character made captain, I revealed he was a highly ranked saboteur that murdered five crews and was exiled for leaving his lover/supervisor to die during a botched mission. So get off your "I Do Dark Pasts So Well" delusion, pal! [Mike and Crow just stare at him.] Tom: Uh, did I say that out loud? > > 'He's lying!' Tiyakitna thought. Mike: [HtW] Everyone knows her first victim was Nicole Brown Simpson! Crow: Aha! Kato was an accomplice! > Nya wasn't a vicious killer > or a vengeful maniac. Crow: She might be a vengeful killer or a vicious maniac, though. > But even as he reasoned this, doubt began to > poison his thoughts. Crow: Killing them completely. Tom: I doubt there'll be much change. Mike: [HtW] She wasn't even vegetarian. And she always looked at ant hills with a magnifying glass. > > As Robotnik watched the wolf, a brilliant thought struck him. Crow: POW, right in the kisser! Mike: [Robotnik] I can remind him how vengeful Peter was, too. > Tiyakitna could be used to his advantage. He was worth more to him > alive. Tom: Say no more! Nudge nudge, wink wink. Crow: He'll be sold on eBay, of course. > > "Snively," Robotnik called to the assistant in the control > booth, "-warm up the 'Toy'." Tom: [Robotnik] Put Barbie in the microwave. > > Just because he needed Tiyakitna alive didn't mean he > couldn't rough him up a bit. Mike: This guy changes his plans so much, he makes Clinton look like a stubborn idealist. > > Snively touched an icon on the screen in front of him Crow: Even in an alternate universe, Windows remains the dominant operating system. > and > slid the three finger-bar levers up. The 'Toy' came down from the > ceiling and Tom: --Fun was had by everyone. > locked in place. Mike: The Toy Club, from the company that likes to scare people. > The 'Toy' was a 1.2 megawatt ruby > laser. Crow: Mike, can I have one for Christmas? Mike: You'll shoot your eye out. > It had been used previously for cutting metal sheets, but > overuse in the factory had caused it to develop problems with the > laser beam alignment. Tom: How ironic. A laser that suffers from burnout. > Rather than dismantle it, Robotnik thought he > could get better use from it here - as a method of torture. Mike: [Robotnik] Talk, or I'll give you a hotfoot! Oops. Vaporized him instead. Forgot to adjust for the broken alignment. > > Snively touched another icon. Crow: Say, do you know how you get better ventilation in a Russian Orthodox church? Mike: How? Crow: Double-click on an icon, and a window will open! [Mike and Tom groan.] > Simultaneously, Hears the > Wind's body was enclosed in a red spherical field of light. Tom: Now there's a plot twist. Tiyakitna escapes Robotnik's torture by getting kidnapped by aliens. > Tiyakitna was paralyzed. He couldn't move his limbs. Tom: Well yes, that *is* the usual definition of "paralyzed." Mike: [Snagglepuss] He was immobilized, even. Crow: Didn't we establish he couldn't move his limbs WITHOUT the light? > He couldn't > even twitch his tail. Crow: Isn't that cute? Even in torture, he's still happy. > Thankfully, the crimson light was fainter > around his chest and muzzle, permitting him to continue breathing. Tom: Freedom fighters really lower their expectations. > > Cameras positioned around the table digitally mapped the > entire surface of Tiyakitna's body and catalogued the measurements > out to twenty decimal places. Tom: Despite the fact that they were all whole numbers. Mike: These seventh grade relief map projects are complex. Crow: Saaaaay, I'd like to put Gillian Anderson under one of those machines! > The data was displayed on Snively's > screen in polygram-CGI. Bots: [Laugh like crazy.] Crow: So he has the computing power to handle touch screens, digital cameras, complex math, and 3D polygon drawings, but they use an 8-bit graphics card. Tom: Well, the government had to save money somewhere. Mike: Guys, you're thinking CGA. CGI is the old server language used to handle online form processing. > A yellow line traced Snively's finger on the > screen as he indicated the area of the desired incision and hit > ENTER. Tom: "Do-It-Yourself Surgery" from Broderbund. Mike: [Snively] We'll give you a tummy tuck and slim down those hips a little ... > > The confinement force field lessened in intensity, giving > back his muscles' ability to distend and contract. Crow: Ah, in true animated fashion, he's squashing and stretching! > Then he noticed > he still couldn't move his head. Mike: Then he noticed his fur had more body, more shine, more bounce. > The electromagnetic coils of the > laser energized with a growing hum. Tom: Musical torture devices. > Then, as if the energy could be > held back no longer, a pencil-thin beam of red light shot forth from > it. Crow: [Laser] Oh, God! Mike: CROW! Crow: I'm sorry, Mike. This is just WAY too Freudian to pass up. > The red light struck the table mere inches from the lupine > warrior's head. Tom: Oops. Must be that alignment thing. Mike: Lupine warrior? Is that like the Lupin Bandit? > > The wolf's struggling became more frantic as the laser beam > and the expectant pain drew closer. Mike: [Bond] Do you expect me to talk? Tom: [Goldfinger] No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to write lousy fanfics. > The agonized look in the > lupine's face drove fear into the eyes of the watching pack. All: Vrooom!!!! > Robotnik took careful note of those that looked away. Crow: [Robotnik] I'll give them such a wedgie in gym tomorrow. > Then, with a > small jump, Tom: [Robotnik] Augh! That 11-year-old is ugly! > the thin, red Mike: Line? > beam touched Tiyakitna's ear. Crow: [HtW] MOM! The laser is bothering me! Tom: [Laser] Am not! > > It was then that the smell of seared flesh and burning fur > filled Hears the Wind's flared nostrils. Tom: [HtW] Mmm. Smells like goooood eating. > The muzzle restraint was > ripped off. A shattering scream rang out followed by a blood- > freezing banshee wail. Mike: It was actually Robotnik's rendition of "The Ride of the Valkyries." > > The red beam moved ever so slowly, cutting and burning > through living tissue, severing nerves and blood vessels. Crow: Because of Lupe's inability to pay, Tiyakitna owed Robotnik a pound of flesh. Tom: This story is SO anti-robot. > Seconds of > incredible pain seemed like hours. Mike: Some people are so queasy when they get their ears pierced. > Finally, with its deplorable task > completed, the Toy powered-down and retracted back into the ceiling. Tom: [Laser] Mmm. Was it good for you, too? Mike: TOM!!! Tom: Well, Crow's right. This IS too Freudian to pass up. > > Robotnik looked at the group enclosed behind the glass > partition. Crow: [Robotnik] Well, enough senseless violence. How's our focus group? > Two of their number had fainted. Mike: Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: When Sally said they needed experience, she wasn't kidding. Crow: Ever since the routing at Hoth, the rebels have been desperate for new recruits. Guess they took anybody they could find. > An unconscious 12 year- > old she-wolf and a 15 year-old male hung by their wrists. Tom: So, they're torturing themselves, now. Crow: They've been doing that all fic. Mike: [HtW] My group got captured because they were ineffectual losers, and it's ALL my fault! > Robotnik > thumbed the intercom button. Crow: [Robotnik] Call the media. We found a couple of teenagers that were ineffectual when facing a dangerous threat. Yes, I'm serious. > > "Which one of you is the leader of this team?" Mike: I am! Tom: No, me! Crow: I led the team last week! Tom: But I'm the new leader! Mike: I won the last election! > > Lupe spoke boldly, without trace of fear. "I am." Crow: [Robotnik] Then take me to your...oh, wait. > > Robotnik pushed another button on the control panel. Crow: I hear Frank designed that control panel. > Lupe's > shackles unlocked, Tom: [singing] Cast off my chains.... > allowing her to pull out her hands and ankles. Mike: [Lupe] I can do disgusting things to make Robotnik faint, too. > > "Go out the door to your left," Robotnik ordered. Crow: [Robotnik] There's a lady behind it. Or maybe a tiger. Or maybe a lady tiger. > > Lupe wasn't about to leave her team. But she had no choice in > the matter. Tom: The coach was trading her for two hyenas and a jackal to be named later. > At the first sign of resistance, a SWAT entered from the > door on the right, Mike: [SWAT] I am programmed to produce a short. > herding her into the room anyway. Tom: Boy, these bellhops get pushy! > Once she was > where where he wanted her Crow: [Opens his mouth] Mike: [Robotnik] Just stand beneath the anvil there. Crow: Damn. I should have moved sooner. > the door closed and sealed shut. Lupe was > separated from the group. Mike: Everybody know where your Field Trip Buddy is? > > The SWAT inside with the rest of the pack turned and faced > the now unshackled prisoners. Crow: [Biff Tannen] What are you looking at, Butthead? > A nozzle-head extended from its All: AIEE! Tom: Dear God! Not an Austin Powers crossover. > midsection. All: Whew! Mike: That's one heck of an "outie." > A yellow gas spouted from the nozzles and slowly filled > the room. Crow: [Robotnik] Hmm... that reminds me of my young college days... ah, good times. > After a few seconds, the noise of the initial yelling > quieted as everyone lost consciousness. Tom: The wolves later woke up in a peaceful yet sinister place known only as "The Village." > Eventually the gas cleared, > leaving only a semi-dense fog Crow: This is a metaphor for this fanfic. > and eight bodies at the bottom of the > room. Mike: Little did Robotnik realize that the robots accidentally used Ratliff gas. The teens immediately took command and destroyed him. > > "Roboticize those four on the end and those two over there > and let the rest go. Oh, and escort these two to the edge of the > city personally." Crow: [Robotnik] And then roboticize them. > > "Why are you letting any of them go?" asked a perplexed > Snively. > > "This is why you are not an evil villain." Tom: [Robotnik] You have no idea how to be merciful. Mike: [Robotnik] And you ask too many smart questions. > Robotnik watched > the monitor intently as four figures ran-limped from the city > boundary. Crow: School's out! All: Yaaaaayyyyyy!!!! > Two of them carried a third while Lupe lead the group. Mike: So, the two are probably the kids. The one being carried is Breaks the Wind, then there's Loopy, so where are the guards? Crow: [Swatbot] Hey, wait up! Come on, guys! > "Sometimes breaking the enemy's spirit is more devastating then > destroying them." Mike: [Robotnik] So instead of following them or pumping them for info, I'm going to release them so they can rally the troops to start a rescue operation and revenge attack. > > A BOLT OUT OF THE BLUE Crow: Captain America? > Earth - Grand Rapids, Michigan Tom: Everyone took notes about the gate, right? > Mannheim University Mike: Hey, another story. Crow: Like there weren't enough already? > Oct. 01, 1998 AD - Thurs. 6:36 PM Tom: Do you know where your children are? > > Earth: One of infinite possibilities in the infinitely vast > Reality Continuum. Tom: What if you could enter any point of that continuum? Mike: And what if you met yourself? Crow: And what if you couldn't find your way back? All: [Hum Sliders Theme] > > "Rrrungh!" Mike: Neat. This must be the episode where the Earth is run by sentient dinosaurs. > > Darian Wolfe stifled the urge to swear. He was satisfied with > just clenching his teeth and growling. Crow: He must have felt a disturbance in the force. Tom: [DW] It's as if a bunch of stupid wolves cried out in pain and were suddenly roboticized. Mike: Nah. This is the mirror of Lt Cmdr Worf. > The assembly bell had just > rung All: Recess! Woo hoo! > and Skye hadn't even found the Lecture Hall yet. Tom: Darian was going to give Skye REAL pain for being late. Mike: No, I think Skye is Darian Wolfe's nickname. [Takes out a Palm Pilot] Let's call up the program.... Yep. > He only had > five minutes remaining to find room 201B in the Science building. Mike: Lives were at stake. A bomb was about to go off, and only The Lone Wolfe could save the hostages! > > "Okay," Skye said aloud to no one in particular (as indeed he > was alone in the halls). All: [singing] All the lonely people. Where do they all belong? > > "Check the map." Crow: [hollow, disembodied] Use the map, Skye .... > > Skye closed his eyes and allowed a perfect representation of > the school's sprawling campus to form in his mind's eye. Tom: [Hamlet] I see my father, in MY mind's eye. > He had > glanced at a map of the vast maze of buildings the night before. Mike: If he completes the maze in five minutes, he gets a piece of cheese. Crow: So he memorized the map, but he has no idea what the campus looks like or how to get to this room. Tom: [Skye] Good thing I had my Jornada implanted into my skull. > The one flaw was > that the map he had scanned into his photographic memory was > insanely outdated. Crow: Way to go, Johnny Mnemonic! Tom: Photographic ...? I'm getting a bad feeling about this guy. > Skye zoomed in on the right bottom corner; it > read: Tom: [Skye, reading] You are here. Mike: [Skye, reading] If you can read this, you're too close. Crow: [Skye, reading] For a good time, call.... Wow, these scanners were ACCURATE. > Mannheim University, circa 1921. Mike: Ask about our Civil War tours. Crow: [Skye] I knew I shouldn't have used Yahoo! maps. > The school had burned down in > 1957. It had been rebuilt and renovated nearly four times since > then. Crow: So naturally, an old map was the thing to commit to memory. Tom: Maybe he's a history professor. > > "Shoot," Darian slapped his forehead. "Now I'm really > screwed." Tom: An android too proud to ask for directions. Crow: Rarely do you hear an engineer claiming he was screwed. Mike: Oh, come on. I heard a rumor that an Engineering student once managed to get a date.... > > Darian mumbled something under his breath that ended with: > "...what else could go wrong?!" Mike: As soon as he said that, Robotnik accidentally obliterated the school with a thermonuclear device. This scene had nothing to do with the story, but this collage does coalesce somehow. > > In all truth, it had not been going well today for him. Crow: After he was screwed, the woman claimed she was pregnant.... > Dr. > Cranston, his personal friend Tom: So close that Wolfe calls him by his professional name. > (and although Darian rarely admitted > it to himself, somewhat of a second father) Mike: All right, guys. On the count of three. One... Two.... All: WHO'S YOUR DADDY! WHO'S YOUR DADDY! > had asked him to give a > presentation of his theories on 'exotic orbifolds' Crow: Sounds kinky. Mike: Aren't those the things that are supposed to be spying on us through transdimensional pinholes? > during a > symposium hosted by the college where he taught. Darian had > reluctantly agreed. Tom: [Skye] Should I tell him I have no idea what an 'exotic orbifold' is? Naaahh, can't disappoint Dad. > > o FLASHBACK o Tom: o EXPOSITION o Mike: Geez, this fanfic flashes forward and back and back again and inside and out.... Crow: And they changed universes. That's a flashside. > > "...And now I would like to introduce you to a young man with > a very bright future. Crow: [speaker] Unfortunately, we couldn't find one. This ain't exactly Berkeley. > He has been my assistant here at Mannheim U. > for the last two years Tom: Translation: He scrubbed petri dishes and ran errands. Mike: Tom.... Tom: Trust me on this, Mike. I'm a Grad student at Maryland. > and his name has been next to mine Crow: ... in green crayon ... > in every paper or > article published by this department. Mike: [speaker] Even the ones detailing projects neither of us knew about. Are we geniuses or what? > He's been nominated twice for > the Crow: "Person Most Likely to Write a Rambling Sonicfic" award. > Rasmushausen Award in Theoretical Mathematics Tom: Oh, they just made that up. > and once for the > Junior Nobel Prize. Bots: [droning] Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex and the greatest teenager in the history of humanity-- Mike: AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! Crow: Mike, we're *kidding.* It *can't* be Marrissa, it's-- Mike: [panicked] Yes, it *can!* She's a shape-shifter! She's a sorceress! She-- > He is Darian Wolfe." Mike: Oh, thank God. Crow: [sotto voce] Wussie. > > After a short-lived period of half-hearted clapping Darian > Wolfe Tom: A fanfic where the audience isn't wowed by the author avatar's every word? Isn't that a sign of the apocolypse? > stepped up to the podium. Mike: He bats .294 against left-handed lecturers this season. > He set down the thick folder of > plastic transparencies he had carried under his arm. Looking out > into the large auditorium, Darian swallowed hard. Crow: [Wolfe] GAAKKK!!! Use marbles to help enunciation, my ass! > His throat was dry > - like the Sahara desert. Tom: Shouldn't have had lox for breakfast. > He hated doing this. None of these people > really wanted to listen to him. Mike: Wow. A glimmer of reality. > Heck, he was only fourteen years > old! Mike: And the glimmer is ruthlessly stamped out. Tom: [sighs] OK, we officially have self-insertion. > Who here was going to accept that a kid (not old enough to even > drive I might add) Crow: [author] Yeah, I know that the previous sentence and a rudimentary knowledge of state law already told you that. But I MIGHT add it anyway. > knew more about physics than some of them would > learn in a lifetime? Tom: [Wolfe] Which brings me to my whining about how I'm giving a physics lecture to psychology students. > > Darian had begun his lecture Crow: [Nimnul] People of the earth! Submit at once.... Whoops, wrong speech.... > with an overview of his and Dr. > Cranston's recent work with merging the mathematics of 'omni- > dimensional synthesis' with superstring theory. Tom: [Darian] I call it the "silly-string" theory! Mike: That's nice, but we're supposed to be discussing the physics of car driving. > Five minutes into > it, Crow: At least something's into it. > ten people in the front row started yawning loudly. Mike: That's nothing. My old physics prof would have put at least fifteen people to sleep by this point! > Darian began > to breath harder. Mike: [Darth Vader] I find the lack of concentration in the front row...disturbing. > He felt his underarms break out in sweat. All: Oh, Geez! We can smell it HERE! > What was > that noise? Crow: [makes chainsaw noises] > Was someone snoring in the back row!?!? Tom: Rarely do you see such a huge ego intermixed with such low self- esteem. Mike: Welcome to the psyche of an engineer. Crow: Just add a gadget lust and stand back. > He had to do > something quick or he'd lose his audience! Mike: Yeah, sure. Like the superstring theory didn't lose them already. > > Darian Wolfe went for the *big* guns. Crow: [Darian] Eat lead, inconsiderate jerks! > He set the scene up for > breaking into his own personal theory. Tom: [Wolfe] Speaking of superstring theory, I'd like to discuss Pokemon.... > > "Elementary Quantum Theory teaches us that Mike: If you do the same exact experiment, and get the same exact results, something has gone wrong. Crow: Really? Mike: I once temped at a nuclear research lab. > there is a > statistical value assigned to every event with more than one > possible outcome. Crow: Actually, that's basic statistics. But go on. > The outcome with the highest statistical value > becomes the one that we observe in our universe." All: Huh?!? Tom: So if you flip a coin ten times, you will always get five heads. Mike: Remember the Boston Red Socks upsetting the Cleveland Indians? Didn't happen. Just an illusion. Crow: [Skye] Yeah, I know that real math states that, given an infinite number of the same event, the statistical value indicates the proportion of times that the outcome will occur. But this is my own personal theory. > > Dr. Cranston groaned. Mike: [Cranston] I let this bozo do my taxes? > He knew what Darian was about to do. He > had warned him against it before. Crow: [Cranston] He's going to sell Amway products! > But it was too late now. Tom: He'd already lost face in front of his peers, and there was nothing left but to commit seppuku. > Skye let > the bomb drop on his little pet project. Mike: Guns, bombs...this is a lot more violent than any physics lecture *I* ever went to! Tom: I thought this fanfic was his little pet project. How do you drop something on itself? > > "It is my belief, however, that all the possible outcomes > 'happen', but they happen in *different* universes! Crow: Woah, deep, man. > The factors that > represent the possibilities are irrelevant. Tom: In some universe, you WILL be assimilated. > They cease being > mathematical entities. Mike: They become free men. > They are as real as the events we observe in > our universe. Crow: Except ours is the best. Tom: How Univercentric of you. > In theory, there are an infinite number of universes. > I refer to this collective as the Omniverse." Tom: [audience member] You're a Trekkie, aren't you? Mike: [Skye] Please, it's "Trekker." > > Unfortunately for Skye, the bomb he dropped on the crowd of > internationally recognized scientists should have stayed where it > was - in his head. Mike: And that sums up this entire fanfic. Bots: We can leave then. Mike: Sit down. > The boy genius Crow: At least the author is being sarcastic for us. > spoke for an amazing grand total > of seven minutes Tom: I got the feeling it was two years, tops. Crow: It felt like 20 millenia to me. > only to be cruelly laughed off stage. Mike: Wait a minute. I thought nobody was listening? > All that it > took to clear the room was Mike: Red Skelton's "Frog" poem. > his impromptu lecture on the 'Omniversal > Interpretation of Reality'. Crow: [Scientist] It's a subtle change on Einstein's theories. How could it have any validity? > It wasn't his fault parallel universes > and wormholes Tom: Were two completely different concepts he insisted on lumping together. > sounded like science fiction. Mike: Wolfe blames all his problems on Gene Roddenberry. Tom: Ironically, so do I. > > One scientist Skye didn't recognize managed to wheeze out > between guffaws: Crow: > "Who put you up to this, kid?" Tom: [Wolfe] Well, Sonic told me.... Hey, stop laughing! > > The boy genius was tired of putting up with this kind of > crap. Mike: [Wolfe] So I foul up presentations, change the topic midlecture and propose theories that are unproven and researched on the Sci-Fi channel. I STILL deserve respect. > Skye left, storming off the stage, but not before he made an > obscene gesture involving a particular finger on his right hand. Tom: [Wolfe] There. I did something immature and emotional. They have to consider me a professional now. > > Those that weren't insulted by the immature act of being > 'flipped off' merely testified that he would never amount to > anything. Mike: Those that were insulted knew that the jerk would someday destroy Planet Earth by writing the longest fanfic in existence. > Ironically, laughing as they did, not a single one of them > could offer a scientific argument against his theory or speak > against the correctness of his mathematical evidence. Crow: Mainly because he put out none of his own evidence, and partly because it's nearly impossible to prove a negative. Tom: [Wolfe] They also can't give scientific proof that the government isn't hiding alien technology to create a poisonous bee. Ergo, it must be true. Mike: [Wolfe] Waaah! I want them to take me seriously! I want, I want, I want.... > > o END FLASHBACK o Tom: And we're back. Any messages while we were gone? Crow: So where are we again? Mike: Just pretend you know and move on. > > What made Skye even more upset was that he had to give a > second lecture to the same stupid idiots in five minutes. Mike: He stuck around for seven minutes before going off-topic and saying improbable things and getting laughed off. Best speaker Mannheim U's ever seen. > Even > worse, his second lecture was to take place in the newest wing of > the science building and he didn't even know where that was! Crow: [Wolfe] Yeah, I could have taken a few minutes last night getting prepared. But if I'm gonna get laughed off the podium, I'm gonna deserve it! > Sometimes, Skye just felt trapped. Mike: Yeah? Well, I'm LIVIN' it, kid! Crow: I think I've figured it out--this *is* the tale told by an idiot. > He didn't care about fame or > awards or being an upstanding leader of the so-called 'scientific > elite'. Mike: His real dream was to be...a lumberjack! > He hated universities, giving lectures, teaching, Crow: Come to Mannheim University, where your professors are 14-year- old high school students. Tom: As opposed to Maryland, where they just act that way. > and > constantly explaining his theories in simplistic terms (and then > taking the flack when they couldn't understand them). Tom: Oh, the problems of being an all-knowing, self-insert godboy. Tom: [Dilbert's Boss] You didn't understand a word I said. Obviously, that's your fault. Mike: C'mon, every sci-fi show ever produced can explain parallel universe theory in three minutes. This guy can't? > He just didn't > belong *here*. Mike: [Wolfe] I'm a 14-year-old. I should be starting high school! Crow: Remember, every story needs an epiphany. > He was a hostage Crow: And he paid 20 grand for the privilege. Iran, take note. > being held against his will by the > inescapable grip of reality. Tom: [Wolfe] Those so-called geniuses should ignore reality when studying my theories. Mike: I think he meant the reality of his universe. Crow: But a parallel universe, if it exists, would also be a reality. Mike: I didn't say he knew what he meant. > > 'But not much longer,' Skye thought to himself, Mike: [Wolfe] I just bought me some Roman Red.... > his sky-blue > eyes Crow: Oooh. Skye. I get it. > catching a familiar gleam. He may not look like it, but he had > a big secret. Crow: So he's Goldenfire too? Oh, man! Tom: Caution: Plot Twists in Diverse Realities Are Even Dumber Than They Appear. > > Darian realized that he probably wouldn't find the auditorium > in time and that he may as well go home Mike: The scientific elite observe the 10-minute rule. > and let one of the stand-by > lecturers speak instead about their 'more scientifically acceptable' > theories. Crow: This is a sour grapes fable for the modern era. Tom: Nice to know they've got another lecturer on the bench. Mike: He's 14 years old, and has determined a way to genetically alter Pokemon and still keep them under control. > Darian was about to sling his book bag back over his > shoulder Tom: Ooh. A book bag. Someone knows how to look professional. > and walk away when something made him turn around. All: DON'T TURN AROUND! Tom: I don't want you to see my heart breaking. > A flash > in the corner Mike: [Flash Gordon] I've come to save you from Emporer Ming. > of his eye caught his attention. He noticed a sign on > a nearby door that he didn't remember seeing before. Crow: [Wolfe] Toxic Waste? Oh, that just figures! > > "ALL RIGHT!!! 201B!" Tom: [Wolfe] Bingo, suckers! > > Skye rushed through the door into the vast...classroom? Mike: [Wolfe] The brochures said 30 student classes! What the hell? > Now > Skye was really confused. This was quite obviously not the lecture > hall. Crow: [Wolfe] They can't hold it in a bowling alley. The shoes would clash with their suits. Tom: Like a theoretical scientist would know anything about fashion. > There was a long marble counter-top desk in front of a three- > paneled Tom: The McLaughlin Group started visiting students to tell them they were wrong. > wall-height blackboard. There was a chair. Mike: Cutbacks in education have hit HARD. > > "Excuse me, um, sir? Could you help me? Crow: [Wolfe] I'm in desperate need of maturity and a couple of clues. > I think I'm lost. I > need to find the Lecture Hall. Can you give me directions?" Tom: [singing] But nobody would hear me. Not even the chair. > > There was no answer. Mike: [Wolfe] Maybe if there was a PERSON in this room besides me? > He began to ask again. Then, Skye saw > 'it'. Crow: [Cousin It noises] > After that, his voice trailed off into awed silence. Tom: [Wolfe] My God! That marble is beautiful! > > The entire blackboard was filled with a beautiful equation Mike: 36 + 24 + 32? > - HIS EQUATION! Crow: [Wolfe] I see now. They laughed at me to cover up their theft of my ideas! Well, I'll show them.... > It was exactly identical to the one written on his > blackboard back at his workshop -except for one thing. Tom: Someone in the universe actually CARED about this equation. > > It was finished. Mike: Which I guess makes it not very identical.... > > The missing piece of the equation that had eluded him for so > long burned into his mind. Crow: It's like a heat wave. > Skye ran out of the room. He couldn't > take the chance that he'd forget. Tom: And they hadn't taught him how to write something down yet. Mike: That's covered in Junior English. > He had to record it Mike: It's destined to go platinum. > - or tell > someone Crow: [Skye] I can't wait to be laughed at again! > - or, or something!!! Mike: Like having a nice lemon yogurt! With those little crunchy granola things on top! Yeah, that would be *great* right now! > > Skye was down the hall and out the door before the chair in > front of the blackboard turned around. Mike: [Occupant] I'm sorry. Did you ask something about directions? I'm a little out of it.... He left? How rude! > Its occupant could have been Skye's > identical twin (plus a few years). Tom: So in other words, not at all his identical twin. Mike: Ssshh--don't ruin the moment. Crow: [Doc Brown] Marty, if Wolfe succeeds in giving his younger self information from the future, the alterations to the timeline could be disastrous! > The only difference was that this > Skye's laugh was a bit higher in pitch. Mike: It's his evil twin brother, Skye Chipmunk! Tom: [whispering] Sliders. > As Skye's twin laughed > though, a metamorphosis began to take place. Mike: Skye Wolfe is now... Megamaid! > In a seamless > progression, the Skye-like mane of black hair turned into flowing > blonde strands of silk. All: [singing] And it really doesn't matter if you're black or white... Crow: I told you Michael Jackson was refilming his videos. > The nose became less prominent. The cheeks > became a soft and blushing pink. Mike: Read that description again and tell me that's not Marrissa. Crow: Mike, Mike, you're just paranoid, that's all. > The lips turned rosier and > fleshier. Tom: The eyes became a shopping center complete with food court. > The change went on until the person sitting in the chair > was of the opposite gender Mike: These Ranma 1/2 crossovers are getting out of hand. > and resembled Skye only as much as Tommy > Lee Jones matches Will Smith. Crow: Actually, this would be more "Tammy Faye Baker resembles Will Smith." Tom: It's not a fanfic without a mixed metaphor. > > Meanwhile, a door down the hall past the drinking fountain > opened, Tom: Tales from the Lecture Hall. > displaying a placard sporting the label 201B. Mike: My God! Every room on this FLOOR is labeled 201B. Crow: That increases the efficiency. > A friendly- > looking gray-haired old man stuck his head out the door. Crow: [Old Man] I want to ask questions about Rogaine. Mike: So *that*'s what happened to the backup singer from The Band That Played "California Lady." > > "Where is that boy?" Tom: [Ward Cleaver] BOY! GET IN HERE! Mike: [June] He's busy, dear. Getting tricked by Changelings bent on universal domination. Tom: [Dad] Again? I bet it's Eddie Haskell's fault. > > The man shook his head as he closed the door again. Mike: [Dobie Gillis' Dad] Someday, I'm gonna murder that boy. Crow: [Archie Bunker] He's a meathead. > > A matching placard Crow: Jean-Luc? Mike: [muttering] It better not be the other one ... Crow: Mike get over it already. It was a *joke*. > (indicating 201B) placed on the door Skye > just bolted out of disappeared in a flash of light Tom: [mumbling] bolted out of disappeared.... [normal] Mike, I request that the ban on grammar flames be lifted. > - blurring the > sign. Mike: Didn't the sign vanish? Crow: No, the door vanished. Tom: I thought Skye vanished. > When the placard could be read again, Crow: Post no bills. Mike: But if the placard vanished... forget it. > it never spelled > 'Custodian's Closet' better... Tom: [Changeling Gal] I'm such a better speller than all humans. Mike: Does that mean she used her own spelling? Like 'K' instead of 'C'? Crow: Naah. It means that nobody at the University can spell. > > Skye ran across campus to the bus terminal, Mike: Wait, so how could it have fit that huge blackboard? Or the classroom? Tom: They were illusions too, Mike. Crow: You aren't too bright, are you? Mike: Well, it's just that I failed temporal physics at the Academy... Tom: Oh, shut up. > tossed his return > token in the basket, and slid into a seat in the back -panting with > excitement. Crow: Place your own joke here, folks. This is too easy for us. > Skye's mind was racing through most of the trip back to > Grand Rapids. Tom: Go, Ben Hur! > Now, besides the working machine and the field > equation solutions describing how it operated, he finally had the > missing piece! Mike: The Flux Capacitor? Tom: If it works, why worry about proving it mathematically? Crow: That's your engineer's voice talking. > He could leave now! He had COORDINATES!!! Tom: His Geranimals would never clash again! Mike: Coordinates to where? Crow: Since he's only 14, I'm guessing it's to the girl's locker room. > [They get up and leave the theater. Door sequence.] [SOAR Bridge.] MW: Okay, that was good. Now we.... Mike: Not so fast. We wrote a song. Hit it! MW: A song? What are you talking about? [Sung to the tune of "Windy" by The Association] Mike: Went on a trip to spy on Robotnik. Doing as Indian Wolves will do. Got themselves captured so fast it makes us sick. All: Everyone knows it's Windy. Tom: Fouled up the mission. Guess hiding's a lost art. Tried to save Nya, attempts were in vain. Now she's a pancake and he's robotic parts. All: Everyone knows it's Windy. Doo doo doo doo doo And Windy has magic holes Given by the laser's nose And Windy's character blows Tom: All throughout the fic.... All: All throughout the fic.... Crow: Buy him an earring quick.... All: Buy him an earring quick.... Crow: Stood on the rooftop, listened to Nya's past. As the bad guys detailed all her crimes. Then they repeated the story 'till they gave it gas. All: Everyone knows it's Windy. Mike: Found out that Nya used to be a bad guy. Decided it didn't matter. (Yeah, right.) Somehow forgot that redemption mattered. Why? All: Everyone knows it's Windy. All: [Sing the music doo waps] MW: Do they always do this? Gypsy: You learn to ignore them. MW: But I just found out about the next realm. I've got to warn them. All: And on a table he lies. Strapped down by some leather ties. Wrapped up. He just needs a bow. Tom: Hears the Windy blows. All: Hears the Windy blows. MW: Come on, you guys, let's go! All: Come on, you guys, let's go! Tom: Robotnik fooled around for no reason. Windy felt deserved low self-esteem. MW: Guys, I just found it's the start of fight season. All: Everyone knows it's Windy. Crow: Windy saw his troop solid behind glass. MW: Guys, when the lights flash, they come for you. You'd better quiet down, to save your damn.... [Music stops. Lights flash a couple of times. Spotlight travels.] Crow: Everyone know's it's Windy! [Spotlight shines on Crow, who disappears. Lights go back to normal.] Mike: Wha... huh... The hey! Tom: Why didn't you warn us? MW: Gee, I got sidetracked by your wondrous album! Gypsy: Where is he? MW: [gulps] In the arena. He's been enrolled in...Karpet Kombat. [Crow must fight through a goofy couple of rounds of Karpet Kombat.] [The Gonterman is stopped, but he escapes.] Crow: [Picks up the key: a gold belt] We are the champions, my friends, and we'll keep on fighting to the end.... [CONTINUED in Part 5.]