THE GATEMASTER, Part 10 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): The Placid Jack Acid Melvin Pollack Valeria Jim Whaley Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren CONTINUED From Part 9 [Mike and Crow beam in.] Mike: Quick, where's the key? Crow: [coughs it up] Ear wax flavored. Mike: Well, now for your punishment. All: FANFIC SIGN!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [They enter and pick up their bingo cards] > THE ORIGIN OF HATRED Mike: Stupid Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-grandma Pandora! > Mobius - The Great Forest Tom: And the story again circles. > Knothole Village Square Crow: Circle takes the square. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 9:57 PM Tom: So it took Skye twenty minutes to cover five thousand years of earth history, but over an hour to summarize his life and ask for a hotel. [Pause] That doesn't surprise me. > > Antoine held the door open for Sally. Mike: Well isn't he a gentlema--uh, animal, furry...thing. > Sonic followed. Crow: [Sally] Now, boys, you both don't have to hold the door for me. > Skye got > up out of the chair. Holding his sides, Tom: [Skye] Only a 188 IQ. Ha ha. What a good one. > Skye rotated his torso > around his waist, Mike: Yeah, keep doing that until you dislocate something. > cracking his back. All: GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Mike: I didn't mean it! > His legs felt dull Mike: In fact, after cracking his back, they felt completely numb and lifeless. > -which made > Skye wonder just how long he'd been sitting there. Crow: Not nearly as long as it seems we have been sitting HERE. > Skye hit the > IndiGLO button on his digital watch, illuminating 9:57PM. Tom: Suddenly, all of Knothole falls down to worship the prophecied Lightbringer! > Obviously > a long time. Mike: Sitting there forever. Finally, something I can empathize with. > Sally poked her head back into the hut. Crow: [Sally] Peek-a-boo! > > "Are you coming or not?" Tom: [Sally] Please say not. Please say not. Please say.... Mike: So, our 188-IQ genius was just going to sit there until somebody said "Sonic Says"? > > Skye left the hut in Sally's company. Mike: So, Sally suffers from high turnover. Crow: Just like Robotnik. Do both groups go to a third company? Tom: Nope. It's a hiring war, so everybody has switched sides at least once. > They were a humorously > mismatched pair. Mike: Just like Stan and Ollie! Crow: More like Rita and Runt. > Skye, with his 5' 11" frame and distinct lack of > body fur, Mike: [shaking his head] And the great 1998 Epilady Disaster claims another victim. Sad, really. > and Sally, a four foot-tall ground squirrel. Mike: Another guy too closed-minded about women with hairy arms. > > "Nice huts," Skye mused. Crow: When I said that to Julie, she slapped me. > > "Thank you," The princess replied. Mike: [Sally] You should see my "HIKE." > "We try to limit our use of > metal Tom: Man, the anti-robot themes are evident. > because we're afraid that Robotnik might be able to trace it > from his orbital spy satellites. Crow: Except that spy satellites use cameras, not... All: RADAR!!! > We tend to rely more on the > construction to make them strong rather than the building > materials." Tom: [Sally] We use crappy materials, but our contracts are dead on. Mike: I think she meant architectural design. Tom: I think I don't care. > > Sally walked with him in silence. Mike: Skye can actually be quiet? All: Hallelujah! > The expression on her face > made it apparent to Skye that she was lost in thought. Crow: [Sally, thinking] Now, where would be a good place to stuff his body? > 'Knothole is > way too crowded,' she thought to herself. Tom: Overpopulation is a bitch in any universe. > Every one of the reserve > huts the village had constructed during the summer were filled to > the brim. Mike: And the occupants, tired of living in these awful camps, had declared independence and blown up a Sbarros. Crow: Mike. I'm going to have to warn you not to escalate. > Even if they weren't, Sally reasoned, it still wouldn't be > a good idea to put a human in a hut with any of them. Crow: [Sally] What if he's not housebroken?! > > The Wolfpack clan, on the other hand, Mike: I don't see how putting one of them in a refugee hut would help. > were known to be the most > accepting and tolerant of Mobian cultures. Crow: They'd give Skye a 30-second head start before shooting. > They probably wouldn't > mind sharing their camp for the night with a lone human adolescent. Tom: When you think racial tolerance, think tribalism. > > Sonic and Antoine broke off, Mike: They pulled an Enron? > heading towards a big tree stump > in the woods. Crow: [Sonic] 'Scuse me...they say you don't buy beer, you rent it... > > "Goodnight Sal," Sonic waved. Tom: [Sonic, shaking] This wind is heavy.... > > "Pleasant dreams, my princess," Antoine imparted. Mike: [Antoine] May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! > > "See you tomorrow, guys," Sally waved back. Crow: [Sonic] Not if we see you first! > > Sally was leading him down a path Tom: --To destruction. Mwahahahahahahahahaha.... [Mike and Crow edge away.] > separating two rows of huts > toward a small campfire. Mike: That's not a campfire. Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. > When they got there, Skye saw that the fire > was burning in the center of a huge circular town square. Crow: Must have just finished raking leaves. Mike: So, who else would kill for a little Wicker Man action right about now, hmmm? Bots: [chanting] I carry SKYE out of the village! I carry SKYE out of the village! > There were > five creatures present. All wolves. Tom: What were you expecting in a clan? Biodiversity? Crow: Better call the EEOC. > > Skye searched his memory: All: [Sigh] Mike: [Skye] Yep. It's a fire. > Canis Lupus- Crow: Wacky weed? Mike: That's cannabis. > North American gray > wolf. Tom: So...he decides they're wolves, and then uses reasoning to verify it? > Characterized by their powerful jaws, bushy tails, Mike: Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes.... > and round > pupils. Crow: Fat students? > Their habitats include forestlands, prairies, and mountain > ranges. Tom: So, it's basically the world of "Dragon Warrior." > As pack hunters, wolves may attack reindeer, Mike: Even Santa's? Crow: [Wolf] Must...jump...higher! > sheep, and > other large animals. Crow: Such as John Goodman! Tom: I was thinking Rob Schneider. > Alone, wolves tend to feed on various herbs and > berries Tom: [Wolf, stoned] Whoa, man, these herbs are great. Now I've really got the munchies, man...where'd you put those berries? > and prey on small animals. Mike: There will be a quiz later. Crow: Is there a point to this? Tom: To show that Skye is not only a 188-IQ genius but has the time to study a wide variety of subjects. Mike: Great. He was biologically grown to be a Jeopardy contestant. > > Two members of the pack were tending the fire. Crow: [Wolf] Just shove in those Enron documents, and don't ask questions. > The other two > were sitting cross-legged on either side of another wolf that was > lying stretched out on a blanket. Tom: Isn't that cute? They're having a picnic. > His head was wrapped in a bandage Crow: Which one? There's five wolves, plus Skye. > leaving his eyes, right ear, and muzzle exposed. Mike: So the bandage covers his nose, cheeks and hair? Tom: It's not so much a bandage as a ski mask. > The bandage was > slightly blood-stained at the place where his left ear should have > been. Mike: Hey! It's Vincent Van Wolf! > The two others seemed to be caring for him Tom: [darkly] They *seemed* to be caring for him. But really they were fattening him up to eat. > - a casualty of > war. Crow: Uh, no. He's still alive. > > Skye knew war. Tom: Back when he was eight and an army sergeant in Vietnam. Crow: [Skye] War--that's the green thing with the shiny beak, right? Oh, wait, I'm thinking of a toucan. Sorry. Mike: I'm proud of you both for avoiding "Fifth Element" references. > But the battles that Skye had fought had all > been against himself Mike: Like Worf, he challenged himself to a knife fight, and lost. > with self-annihilation being the decisive > factor. Tom: Is that a fancy roundabout way of saying he can't even manage to kill himself right? Mike: Oedipus. Hamlet. Meursault. *Skye.* Crow: So if he annihilates himself, does he win or lose? Tom: Neither. We win. > This war seemed to have a unmistakable ally and enemy. Crow: Unless you ask the Europeans. Tom: So Skye's been here three hours and he already has an ally and an enemy? Mike: Well, an enemy. Several, really. > This > was Good versus Evil in the extreme. Crow: Canon characters versus obnoxious self-insertion godboy? You bet. > The Freedom Fighters weren't > just fighting the oppression of a tyrannical dictator or fighting to > restore their planet to the paradise it once was. Mike: They were fighting for their right to party! > They were fighting > for their free will Crow: Awww. [sniff] Erasmus would be so proud. > - their very right to live. Tom: But isn't that what every war is about? > > Skye felt a tugging. Crow: Sally was really yanking his chain! > Sally was urging him to warm himself at > the campfire. Mike: Sally Acorn. Military leader. Princess ruler. Jewish mother. > Skye sat down gently on a large log Crow: There's a bump on the log in the bog at the bottom of the...uh, forest. Mike: Nice try. > that had been > split down the middle to form a bench. Tom: [Wolf] You know any ghost stories? Mike: Don't tempt him. He probably takes 57 chapters to get to the hook on the rear-view mirror. > > "Uh, hi." Crow: [Skye] Heheh, smooth as silk! Mike: Does he think that's the universal greeting? > > The two wolves sitting at the fire took no notice of him. Crow: Even in a parallel universe, some things never changed. Tom: Watch as he gets whiny now. > They > were watching the fire intensely, Tom: Only they can prevent forest fires. > studying it as if waiting for > something to appear in its warming flames. Mike: [Wolfpack #1] Dude, d'ya suppose that fires dream? Crow: [Wolfpack #2] I dunno, man, but these are *wicked* shrooms you scored, man. > Skye watched the image of > the fire dance in their eyes. Crow: Skye already inspires burning hatred. > The whole scene spurred something > indiscernible inside him Tom: Like an inferno raging inside you? > - something natural, something wild. Mike: God save us all if he starts "marking his territory." > > Sally crouched next to one of the wolves tending to the injured > wolf and whispered in her ear. Crow: Oh, God, why dost thou tempt me so? Mike: [Sally, whispering] Okay, give him his binkie if he starts getting fussy, pinch his nostrils shut if he snores, and whatever you do, *don't* mention that little Dutch-oven incident from last Tuesday. > She was negotiating a place for Skye > to sleep. Tom: How about with the fishes? > Lupe turned and looked at Skye Mike: [Lupe] Man, what a loser. Crow: [Sally] Watch your tongue, Miss Piece-De-Little-Resistance. > then looked back at the > princess shaking her head in the affirmative. Crow: [Sally] Man, I have so much water in my ear. > Sally stood and helped > the leader of the Wolfpack get up. All: [make various cracking noises] Tom: Our leader of action-packed raids, ladies and gentlemen. > They walked over to the fire. Out > of politeness, Skye stood up. Mike: Out of continuing slapstick goofiness, he stood IN the fire. Crow: Ooo, "old-fashioned gentleman"! [marks card] > > Sally introduced them. "Skye, this is Lupe Wildwolf, Crow: [Lupe] Skye? Man, what a stupid name. Tom: [Skye] Yeah, and "Loopy" commands respect, huh? > the leader > of the Wolfpack tribe." Tom: You mean there was no challenge to her leadership after her immense failure? Mike: It's a kinder, gentler wolf pack. Crow: Yeah right. I bet Lupe made sure all the strong members got captured so they couldn't take her job. > Sally faced Lupe. "Lupe, this is Skye Wolfe, Crow: [Lupe] Buddy, you've got some nerve calling yourself a wolf. Mike: [Lupe] He's more of a hairless ape than anything. > a visitor and our guest." Tom: [Lupe] Hmmm...so I guess it would be bad manners to eat him? > > Neither was sure what custom of greeting to use Tom: "Uh, hi" seems to have worked pretty well so far. > so Skye held > his right hand out with the palm turned up. Mike: [Skye] Slap me some skin, sister. Crow: [Lupe] Okay. Let me get out the leather straps. > Lupe glanced at Sally > who was just as puzzled, Crow: [Sally] I have no idea what's growing on his hand, either. > but not wanting to offend the guest, Tom: Judging from Parts 4-6, dandelions offend THIS guest. > held > her hand out and did the same. Mike: [Skye] Live long and prosper. > Skye slowly grasped Lupe's hand and > shook it, Crow: [Skye] You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.... > slowly at first, then more firmly as Lupe caught on. Tom: Lupe Wildwolf, the new taste sensation. > Sally > and Lupe started laughing. He was just giving her a simple > handshake! Mike: [jolly laugh] Oh, zese wacky foreigners and zeir wacky ways! Crow: [Lupe] Oh, heheh! So you *do* want to engage in mortal combat with me! > > Skye looked worried. Sally assured Skye that he'd done nothing > wrong, All: YET!!! > that it was just a misunderstanding. Crow: [Sally] But according to our code of honor, you still have to fight her to the death. > Skye looked back at the > injured wolf. > > "Who is he?" Tom: [Lupe] The last guy who tried shaking hands with me. > > Lupe blinked, Crow: [Lupe] My God. There IS a soldier lying there. > her eyes flitted along the ground and the forest. Mike: [Skye] No, he's over here, by the fire. > "His name is 'Hears the Wind'. Mike: [Skye] Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I mean, what a nice name. Bots: Look, everyone! It's Windy! > We found him wandering the Badlands a > few weeks ago. Tom: [Lupe] He was found by our comrade, "Dances with Schmoes." Crow: [Lupe] He kept saying something about getting away from the witch at Circe. > He didn't remember anything before we found him. Tom: And he remembered AFTER they found him? This isn't a sci-fi show. It's a Lifetime Original Movie. Mike: That would explain a lot. > He > joined the pack to see if he could find his family." Mike: Obviously, the Internet Spy had failed. Tom: [Lupe] He keeps wandering around asking for Sissy Spacek. Go figure. > > Skye spoke quietly. "How did he loose his ear?" All: Mike Tyson!!! > > Lupe started to tell him, but she couldn't find the words. Tom: Being, you know, an *animal* and all. Mike: [Lupe] What part of "teapot flowerdrum ishkabibble Montmorency HIKE!" don't you understand? > It > was almost unnoticeable, but she started shaking. Mike: And a Tyrannosaurus Rex comes and eats them. > Skye and Sally > tried to console her. Crow: They looked at her radar and pushed her buttons? > > Skye stumbled in his words: "I can help. Mike: This guy is the Rachel of our group. Can fix any problems but his own. > I studied medicine > once. My father was a doctor." Mike: [Skye] ...in mathematics. Will that help? Tom: [triumphant] Yes--I *called* it! I CALLED it! Guys, didn't I say *way* back around three hundred pages ago they'd pull a Buckaroo Banzai and he'd turn out to be-- Crow: Tom? Tom: Oh, uh...wait. I called it. [Pause] Yeah, I called the next completely...idiotic, implausible plot twist, and... [Sobs.] > > The last part was a lie. Crow: His father was really...A DANCER!!! > Skye had no idea what his true > father's profession was. Tom: Drugs. Mike: Probably drugs. Crow: I was going to say drugs. > But Skye *had* studied medicine All: [Sigh] Mike: So, he zipped through the advanced programs to get his M.D.? Crow: And then went back to become a physical scientist. Tom: Yeah, right. He has two weeks of first aid from camp. > and had > long ago decided that since he didn't really have a father he could > make him out to be anyone he wished. Mike: [narrator] Why he had decided his father was RuPaul is really anyone's guess. > Besides, showing confidence > that he could fix the problem might help this person he was now > holding Tom: See, this is how the male brain operates. "I have no idea how to fix it, but maybe if I pretend to, the problem will solve itself." Mike: The sad part is that I know you're not kidding. Crow: No wonder Julie keeps rolling her eyes at us. > (who seemed to be holding him as well). Crow: I see the Aura of Smooth (tm) even works trans-species. Tom: And through a coma, no less. > > Lupe led him over to the patient. Mike: [Lupe] Finally, I can get rid of the final witness. > Lupe explained that the other > wolf was the Wolfpack's shaman, Kilkalki. Crow: [Lupe] He drives the Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang. > > "We've tried all the medicines and herbal remedies we have. Tom: [Kilkalki, stoned] Some of them were really groovy, too. > They have no effect because his wounds are too severe." Mike: [Kilkalki] Unless...whoa, do you think we should have given the herbs to *him*? > > Skye turned to Sally. "You said Knothole had a doctor, right? Crow: [Sally] Shhhh! They think I'm a friendly forest sprite! Don't tell them I'm from civilization! > Doesn't he have anythi..." Tom: [Sally] Is that like an anykey? > > Lupe stopped him. Mike: [Lupe] We do not discuss The Doctor. > "He refuses to take any of Bookshire's > medicines. Crow: [Lupe] Ever since that Mr Hyde incident. Tom: Wait a minute...Bookshire?! What happened to Dr. Quack?! Mike: Who would you want to be your doctor, Bookshire or some guy named "Quack"? Tom: Good point. > He will only take medicines of nature. Mike: [Lupe] He's one of them Pagan Scientists. Tom: That's one strict HMO. You don't go through a pharmacy--you go through an elemental. > We can't make > anything more powerful." Mike: [Lupe] That medicinal cannabis will knock you flat. You'll take two hours to open a cola can. > > With Kilkalki's permission, Skye examined the shaman's medicine > bag. Crow: It was red and shiny, and it had a label reading "Property of Tinky Winky" inside. > Inside he found coffee and cocoa beans, sassafras and > thistleseed, sugar and all manner of mysterious powders. Tom: So, the patients will probably die, but they'll have a lovely selection of hot drinks! > > "What's this?" Skye inquired. Crow: [Lupe] Uh...you need to put that in a special pipe. No, no, I'll do it. Hand it over. > > "Wolfsbane." Mike: [Skye] Are you trying to tell me something? > > Skye arched an eyebrow. "Oh." Tom: [Skye] Highly illogical. > > To Skye's understanding, Hears the Wind really only needed a > pain-killer. Crow: So, his life really ISN'T in danger. [Pause] Kinda drops the suspense a bit, huh? Tom: [Skye] Nurse, fetch this patient a "Bud"! > The laser beam would have cauterized the wound as it > went. Tom: Well, that was nice of it. > This kept bleeding from being a concern. Mike: Same with infection. We're not dealing with the poster boys for hygiene, here. > Other than the ear, > he didn't seem badly hurt. Crow: Isn't that kind of like saying "Other than the tornado, the weather was beautiful"? > No breaks Tom: He just can't get on Broadway. > or fractures. Only a few welts > and bruises. Mike: Damn. Now they don't have an excuse to shoot him and put him out of his misery. Crow: You read this story. How much more of an excuse do they need? > > "He needs a pain-killer." Crow: Why? He's unconscious. > > "But we've tried everything we have," Lupe said. Mike: [Lupe] I mean, the convulsions are kind of fun to watch, but I'm getting sick of listening to him whine! Tom: You'd think the hemp would.... Crow: You know, when John Ashcroft comes up here and places both of you under arrest for supporting the drug culture, don't say I didn't warn you. Tom: Hey, if we go down, you're going with us! > > "You only used what was in this bag, right?" Mike: [Skye] See, I can deduct that with my 188 IQ. > > Lupe nodded. "Yes." Crow: [Lupe] Whenever we get in a fix, we reach into our bag of tricks! > > Skye was staring at the forest deep in thought. Tom: [Skye] Hey, I've got an idea for a D&D mod. > "Then trust me, > you haven't used everything. Mike: [Skye] You can beat him with a stick. > I might be able to make something > else." Crow: [Skye] It's called chicken soup. > > Lupe looked at Skye with hope. Tom: Man, talk about desperate. Mike: For what? The bozo just has a headache. Crow: Maybe they're hoping Skye can make a hoop earring. > > "Get me a torch." Tom: [Skye] Quickly, fool, before we are eaten by a grue! Mike: [Lupe] Jeannette! Isabella! Get your butts over here! > > Sally gave him one better. She handed him a flare. Crow: [Sally] He survived the tree. Time to try fire. > > Skye looked at the red stick in his hand with vague surprise. > "Thanx." Tom: [Skye] But I'm not in the mood for hot dogs. > > Mike: [Skye] Ah, that soda is the pause that refreshes. > > "Where's the nearest body of water?" > > Sally pointed. "50 yards in that direction." Crow: [Skye] Great. I'll see about that pain killer as soon as I've had a nice bath. > > Skye ran into the woods followed by Lupe (who could see in the > dark without the use of a flare). Mike: --And thus watched as Skye was picked up by SWATbots, who had seen the flare in a war zone. All: YES!!! > When Skye reached the small lake > he found what he was looking for. Crow: The sweet mystery of life? > > "A willow tree?!" Lupe said. Tom: Hey, it's Old Man Willow, guys! He's going to devour them all and save us from this living hell! > > Skye jumped in spite of himself. "Geez! Could you give me > warning the next time 'ya scare the piss outta' me!?" Crow: [Lupe] All right. Skye, in the next ten seconds, I'm going to scare the piss outta' you. All: Booga-booga-booga!!! Crow: [Lupe] Wuss. > > Lupe checked her over-anxiousness and apologized. Tom: Why is she apologizing? He's the potty-mouth that curses in front of women. > "I'm sorry. I > forgot that you're not a member of the pack." Mike: [Lupe] And therefore extremely uncool. > > Skye resumed breathing. Crow: Is now really the time to practise Lamaze? > "It's okay. I'm sorry for snapping at > you like that. Tom: [Lupe] You call that snapping, meaty-pink boy? Oh, *I'll* show you snapping... > I shouldn't have been taken by surprise so easily." Mike: [Skye] Given my high IQ. Did I mention I have a high IQ? Crow: Thanks. High IQ too. High IQ very much. > > "How is a willow going to help?" Lupe asked, Crow: Well, she's really good with computers, and we know that this vampire likes to hack into newsgroups before feeding.... > -tilting her head > curiously. Mike: ...breaking her neck and paralyzing her for life. Tom: Mike, you want a glass of water or something? > > Skye looked at the wolf with the beginnings of a smile on his > face. Tom: [Skye] Man, I love being superior. > She looked so different with the moonlight framing her > features, so soft and feral and...uh, well...wolf-like. Crow: [uncomfortable] Uh...Mike, is it just me, or is this supposed to be a "moment"? Mike: Do you mean a "moment" as in, "the moment when we wordlessly acknowledge the characters' burgeoning sexual tension," or a "moment" as in, "the moment when the audience first experiences the sickening stomach-drop of inescapable horror at seeing the unmistakable stirrings of yiffydom between a talking wolf and a fourteen-year-old boy"? Crow: Have I mentioned that Parker Posey is a wonderful actress? Because she is, you know. _Party Girl_ just *sparkled*. > "Use your claws to tear off some strips of that bark and I'll > show you." Tom: [Lupe] Kinky.... > > Back at the camp, Skye explained his solution. Mike: [Skye] Seven per cent. Any questions? > > "Willow bark contains a chemical compound called > Acetylsalicylic acid," Skye said Mike: [Skye] It's completely useless, but we can sell it on the black market. > dropping the strips in a teapot of > water. Crow: [Skye] Oops. Lupe, be a dear and get some more. > "On my world, we used it to produce a pain reliever Tom: [Skye] --After putting it through several chemical reactions, so I guess it really isn't organic. My bad. > called > aspirin." Crow: [Roland] Anstin? Mike: [slowly] So, they have spy satellites, they have mechanized prosthetics, they have *sneakers*, they have magical powers beyond human comprehension, but THEY DON'T HAVE ASPIRIN. Tom: They must also have our HMOs. > > Skye handed the teapot to Tahkaki, Mike: [Skye] Tea. Earl Gray Wolf. Hot. > who was standing by the > fire. Crow: Say, who started the fire? Tom: Don't look at me. Mike: We didn't start the fire. > "Here. Hang this over the fire 'til it boils." Crow: [Tahkaki] With my *hands*? Won't that *hurt*?! Tom: [Skye] Then pour it over that red-haired girl in the Chinese clothes. I guarantee you'll get a surprise. > > Tahkiki did as he was told and soon the tea was ready. Tom: [Skye] Now I'll teach you how to make scones and crumpets. > Skye > watched as Lupe poured the pain-killer into a cup. Mike: [Lupe] Ah, sweet booze. > Skye suggested > that Kilkalki add the elixir to a cup of coffee. Crow: And, lo, the first cup of latte came to Mobius. > The caffeine would > give it 'a little kick' Skye said. Tom: And lo, soon followed the espresso. Mike: So, yet another idiot believes that you can have major surgery and only need an over-the-counter drug. Crow: Would now be a good time to mention that opium and morphine are both "natural" as per this definition? > Skye stood over 'Hears the Wind' > as Kilkalki lifted the wolf's head and put the cup to his lips. Mike: [Lupe] How do you feel? Crow: [Windy] No longer in incredible pain. Now I'm only in semi- incredible pain, plus I have a stomachache. Tom: [Windy] Plus I'm hyper for some reason. > When > the tea was gone, the tired young wolf laid his head back down. Crow: And the scene peters out. Tom: So, how exactly is this an origin of hatred? Mike: A wolf named Osama Bin Lupis was so enraged at the infidel's involvement in their affairs that he vowed to destroy the infidel. Bots: Can we help? > > TRUTH OR DARE Tom: If somebody dares Sonic to call up Robotnik and profess his undying love, I'm outta here. > Mobius - Inner Robotropolis Mike: Hey, a real scene change. Haven't seen that in a while. > Prisoner Interrogation Facility Crow: The prisoners get to ask the questions here. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 10:17 PM Tom: Four minutes after Fox and Dana arrived on the scene. > > Rachel looked up to the sound of her cell door opening. Mike: Room service. > Two > robotic creatures stepped in. Crow: [Leia] Aren't you a little short to be a storm trooper? > They (or others looking like them) had > been present in that bunker where she'd [insert action word here]. Mike: Cool! Is this Mad Libs now? Tom: I submit the verb "poofed in." Crow: With all the references that have been made, he might as well say "slide." > She thought she remembered the fat man calling them SWATbots. Mike: She figured that meant they were for insect control. > > "Come with us," the two creatures mechanically intoned. Crow: [insert funny riff here] Mike: That's not nice. Crow: [bite me] > > "I demand to know where I am! Tom: [SWATbot] You are in a cell. Bots: [SWATbots] Duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh!! > You have no right to treat me > like this. I am an American citizen!" Mike: [Rachel] If I were French or Bolivian or something inferior and worthless like that, sure, you could do whatever you wanted-- but I'm an AMERICAN, dammit! Crow: This fanfic endorsed by the Office of Homeland Security. > > The SWAT didn't answer. He just gripped Rachel on the shoulder > and pulled her into the corridor. Mike: When Bailiffs Attack IV. > She was deposited just three rooms > down in another cell. Crow: [SWATbot] I'll leave her there for another hour, then move her again. Tee hee. > It was larger than the one she'd been in, Mike: [SWATbot] You've been promoted from "prisoner" to "hostage." Here is your new cell. > but > this one was darker. Tom: Bittersweet, actually. > The only light came from an overhead heat-lamp. Mike: You bastard! She burns easily! > > The door slammed closed behind her. Crow: Those are Trek-like mechanized doors, right? Tom: Yep. Crow: How do you slam one of those? Mike: You walk at it very angrily. > A hissing sound was > followed by a strange odor. She was being gassed! Tom: [SWATbot] Oooh, sorry! I had premium unleaded for lunch... > > "Help!!! Crow: > Tom: > Help! Mike: What should we call the writer now... > Crow: That works. > Let me OUT!!!" Tom: [Groucho] Or throw me a magazine! > Rachel beat > on the door. Mike: The beat goes on. > She was getting dizzy. She sank to her knees. Crow: Once again, her corset was on too tight. > > The hissing stopped. Tom: The Orioles had finally won a game. > Rachel was wheezing, but was otherwise > unhurt. Mike: [SWATbot] Wait, aren't we supposed to do this until she dies? Then what the hell was the point?! Crow: You know, it's hard to keep up suspense AND keep reassuring the readers. > > The door opened. Robotnik strode in wearing an unobtrusive face > mask over his mouth and nose. Crow: [Robotnik] I've had it as an evil tyrant. I'm going to become a circus clown. > He picked the girl up by her arm Tom: So, not all humans are as fragile as ours. Mike: Hey!!! > and > set her down on the chair that morphed out of the substance of the > wall. Crow: Odo! Get back in your own series! Mike: I've heard of prefab furniture, but this is ridiculous. > > "There now. I have some questions that you're going to answer > for me." Crow: [Robotnik] We're gonna see what *your* IQ is, missy. Tom: At least Skye didn't brag about his Kobayashi Maru time. Mike: Don't even joke about that. > > Rachel spat in Robotnik's face, refusing to collaborate. Tom: [Rachel] You can find someone else to do your team project! > "Get > bent, Mike: He's a contortionist. > you fat, Crow: Big-boned. > bloated, Tom: Break out the Gas-X. > piiiiii-guh!" Mike: What's a Piguh? Crow: Piguh, piguh. Piguh-chu. > > The evil dictator nearly lost it Crow: Nearly? Man, the guy's more gone than a playboy at a bridal shower. > before regaining his composure > with the comment: Tom: [Robotnik] Is it nice to insult the interrogator? Crow: [Rachel] I am an American citizen. It's my duty to be insulting! > "My, what a charming and spirited child." Mike: [Robotnik] And by "spirited" I mean "dead." > > Rachel wanted to give this butt-head the tongue-lashing of a > lifetime, Crow: Saaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy....Yah! Can't get image out of my head! Mike: Serves you right. > but now, for some reason, Tom: Beavis was doing it for her. > she had a hard time latching > onto a complete thought of her own. Tom: Wow, she really *is* Skye's one true soul mate! Mike: Or she's a Washington pundit. > > "Calm yourself child. Crow: [Robotnik] Everyone finds it impossible to think around me. > No one's going to hurt you. Tom: Yet. [evil laughter] > I want to > help you. But first I need to ask a few questions." Crow: [Robotnik] What's the square root of pi? Who wrote the book of love? Why am I here? Now that I've got that out of the way, I can help you. > > Rachel wanted to slap him Tom: [Rachel] He reminds me of Powell. Crow: [Rachel] He reminds me of Powell. Mike: See, you can find common ground. > -or swear at him, Mike: Sounds like the start of a folk song. [sings, to "Leaving on a Jet Plane"] She wants to slap him or swear at him... Crow: [sings] Throw a burlap sack at him... Tom: [sings] Tell him just where his fat butt can go.... > but she couldn't do > either. Crow: She could swear to slap him at her earliest convenience! Solve two problems at once! > Her mind was swimming. Tom: Left brain and right brain synchronized. > The bright lamp was pulled in her > face. Mike: [Robotnik] All right, punk. Where were you on the day Kennedy was shot? > Voices became like buzzing insects in her ears, Crow: Now THAT'S a stinging comment. > making it > impossible to make out what was being said. Tom: It all just comes back to "Peanuts to Space." > She was aware that she > was speaking too, but she didn't know what she was saying either. Mike: Or at least, that's what she claimed when the Congressional Committee questioned her about it later. > > Within an hour, Robotnik Crow: --Had no idea what he was saying either. > knew that another human was possibly > on Mobius. Tom: Sure. Your nephew, dummy. Crow: No, he means another human that matters to him. Tom: Ouch. > This human, whom Rachel called 'Skye', Crow: [Robotnik] Hahahahahahahahahaha! I mean, what a dignified name. > had apparently > already perfected Gate travel. Tom: No matter which gate you landed at, it would take at least 30 minutes to get to your connecting flight. > He had the technology Mike: He could make him...No, wait. I already did that one. > he still > required to make his flagship Armageddon work. Crow: Skye has a flagship? Tom: No, Robotnik has the technology and...no, wait. Mike: Let's just claim Admiral Yrev Tpurroc has both. > Rachel's description > of this 'Skye' indicated that it was quite likely that he would come > through the Gate after her. All: Why?!? Mike: The thought drove her to near-suicidal madness. Still, she was desperate, and willing to settle... Tom: I won't mention the odds of finding an atom in a haystack. I won't.... > All he had to be was ready for him when > he did. Crow: [Robotnik] I'm gonna build the most agressive Motel 6 around! > > Robotnik stepped out of the room, Tom: [Robotnik] Tell me where the rebel base is, or I destroy Alderaan! Mike: [Rachel] They're on Tat... Crow: [Bzzt] Tom: [Robotnik] Time out. I get a coffee break now, for 10 minutes. > leaving Rachel to regain her > senses. Mike: [Rachel] Skye...? I was attracted to *him*?! Bah, what a weenie! > > The dictator turned to the uniformed soldier standing just > outside the door. Crow: John Lindh, don't you have anything better to do? > "The Truth Gas worked splendidly, Packbell. Tom: [Packbell] Really? Crow: [Robotnik] Nope. I was lying. > Make > some more." Mike: [Robotnik] I'm gonna sniff it all tonight. I have found the true path to enlightenment. Thank you, Timothy Leary. > > o PASSAGE OF TIME o Mike: Shouldn't that be indicated by a new title with the date and time? Crow: I'll do it, Mike. PASSAGE OF TIME Mobius - Inner Robotropolis The same place, only later Still the First Month of Fall Season 3238 TGIF, 10:56 PM > > Rachel's chest rose and fell rhythmically. Crow: Oo! Heaving alabaster bosoms! > There was an oxygen > mask placed over her mouth and nose. Mike: Yet another sucker visits an oxygen bar. Crow: Rachel's family came from California? Tom: That would explain a lot. > Each breath of pure air cleared > her lungs of the gas Tom: So, when they fire chemical weapons at us, just breathe deeply? > and her mind of the intoxicating effects of the > truth drug. Mike: Now in fresh lemon scent. > When she felt the mask pressed against her face she > clawed it off frantically, Tom: It clashed with her purse. > her panic pushing her to the point of > hyperventilation. Mike: Is it just me, or is our author enjoying all of this just a little too much? Crow: If Robotnik commands her to perform the Ko-ro-ba Whip Dance, I'm bailing. > > Now fully aware, Mike: She reached Nirvana? > Rachel surveyed the room she had been brought > to. Crow: You ended a sentence with a preposition. MW: [O.S.] She had been brought to, butt-head. Crow: Better. > She vaguely remembered the door of the last room Tom: [Rachel] It had oak paneling and everything. > opening before > she passed out. Mike: Robotnik's odor really is that bad. > As she looked about her, Rachel started making some > mental notes. Crow: [Rachel] Oooo, eggplant trim on the upholstery! And beige wallpaper! I've just *gotta* try this back home! > Perhaps if she played it docile, she'd be able get a > handle on the situation. Tom: You and every oppressed housewife for the last 300 centuries! NO MORE!! > > A stage lit up in front of her. Tom: So, she hadn't noticed this stage before? Real observant, babe. > It looked almost exactly like > that Transporter thing from that Star Trek show. Mike: It even has O'Brien standing there. Tom: So, in this universe, Voyager is a live-action play? Mike: Shh. They may make a real episode like that. Crow: They *did* make a real episode like that. Mike: See what you've done, Tom?! > Crow: The Wind in the Willows, in a cameo role. > The > door opened, Tom: It's the land shark! > briefly casting the light from the outside into the > dimly lit room. Mike: [Robotnik] Commencing your Vitamin D treatment. > Rachel rubbed her eyes to adjust to the sudden > brightness. Crow: She's not used to being around bright things. Tom: She's been around Skye. Crow: Exhibit A. > When her retinas recovered, Tom: She spent the next several minutes blinking and staring at the neat pink cloud things. > she saw Robotnik enter the > room followed by his eerie entourage. Mike: [Rachel] Where'd he get Ringwraiths? > > "Awake my dear? Crow: [Rachel, sleepy] I am now. Do you have any idea what time it is? > Good. Tom: He didn't wait for her to answer. She could be asleep and she'd continue to snooze while he talks.... Mike: Robotnik embodies the greatest evil of all: the college professor. > I hope you've had a pleasant rest. Crow: [Robotnik] I'm *am* evil, but I am also famous for my hospitality. > You've > had a rather stressful afternoon, haven't you?" Crow: [Robotnik] You just HAD to beam in on April 14th. Well, you pay taxes, like it or lump it. > > Rachel nodded her head with as much deference as she could > muster. Tom: Ooh. Grasshoppers. > > Robotnik grinned ear-to-ear. "I want to show you something > special." All: Yaahhh!!!! Mike: Please don't say that when you've got a wolfish grin! > > Robotnik stepped on a pedal switch mounted in the floor. Crow: It's really his mouse. He just hasn't learned that yet. > A > control console sprang up from the floor. Mike: [Robotnik] Ever heard "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" on a pipe organ? Tom: Is he...is he...[gulp] going to...s-sing? Crow: Hold me, Mike! I'm scared! Mike: As long as he's just singing and not stripping, we can get through this. Crow: What if he does strip? Mike: There's suicide capsules under your seat cushions. Tom: Thanks, Mike. I knew you were a friend. > As it did, three creatures > rose from the platform of the Transporter. Mike: [Robotnik] I SUMMON THE IRON CHEFS! Tom: And when he says "iron," he means it. > On closer inspection, > Rachel saw that the pads the creatures were standing on were > actually elevators Crow: [Dr. Evil] Activate the unnecessarily slow-moving elevators. > that were raising the creatures from the floor > below through holes in the Transporter platform itself. Tom: [sings] Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel...up up up up, to the Heavyside Layer.... Crow: So if they're elevators, is this really a Transporter? Mike: It's transporting them, isn't it? Tom: I'm just glad to see something--anything--that looks like an action sequence. And it only took TEN LOUSY CHAPTERS! > > With a loud locking sound Mike: The Wolf Club. To keep them from stealing your clan. > the pads holding the creatures > snapped into place. Crow: [Rachel] Wow, comfort, absorbency *and* wings! > As they did, lights above the pads flashed on, > revealing what the creatures really looked like. Tom: Genetically mutated, ill-tempered sea bass. All: Right. > > On the center pad was a cross between a fox and a young human > girl. Mike: A giox? Crow: Or a forl. > The sad eyes and hopeless expression of the vixen's face Tom: [vixen] So, you're in this damn fanfic too, eh? Well, it does stop hurting after a while...kinda.... > stabbed Rachel in the heart. Crow: Damn. I thought it was Colonel Mustard, in the Great Conservatory. > Only a scared whimpering sound came > from her wrapped muzzle. Tom: On this world, the inanimate objects talk too? Crow: That's just what we needed. An H.R. Puffenstuff crossover. Mike: Don't even joke about things like that. Tom: I think we already did, earlier. > > Manacled in place on either side of the vixen stood two wolves, Mike: This is just like _Roots_, as in "I think I grew roots as I sat here." > similarly bound and silenced. Crow: So that's the sound of silence. Tom: Now can you do one hand clapping? > Rachel was sure they were the same > creatures she saw when she landed here. Tom: But could she pick them out of a lineup? > Both lupines looked with > resignation toward a fate Rachel could only guess at. Mike: They'd be forced to watch cheesy movies! The worst ever made! > > "You MONSTER!!!" Crow: Well, the docility program lasted for all of ten seconds. Tom: How does she know he's a monster? Maybe he's just going to give them a flea and tick bath or something. Mike: Well, let us not forget that she is in this mess ONLY because she thought that Skye's mad scientist monologue and giant metal ring added up to suicidal intentions. > > "Now, now," Robotnik chided. "Flattery will get you nowhere." Tom: Except in the Clinton White House. Crow: Except in the Bush White House. Mike: The two of you make Sharon and Arafat look like peaceniks. Stop it. Now. > > Three transparent cylinders dropped from the ceiling of the > Roboticizer, enclosing its prey behind a shield of thick glass. Mike: [Robotnik] Now that the Cone of Silence is in place, we can have that top-secret meeting.... > Robotnik pressed a set of buttons in an often-used order. Crow: [Robotnik] Setting the Wayback Machine to Ancient France, Mr. Peabody! > > With a sonorous hum, Tom: Amazing. You mean that hums produce sound? > the machine powered up. At the crest of > the whine, Robotnik pressed the dreaded big, red button. Crow: Push the button, Frank! PUSH IT!! Tom: Maybe we'll luck out, and it'll seriously end the show. Mike: Don't count on it. > > Rachel couldn't bring herself to look away from the vixen's > eyes. Bots: SLEEEEEP!!! Mike: Zzzzzzzz..... > Tamara blinked as a single tear fell. Mike: Zzzzzzz... Crow: Wake up, Mike, angst is happening. Mike: *srk* Huh? Man, he hasn't given them the Borg treatment *yet*? MOVE IT UP, EGGMAN! > The droplet seemed to > fall in slow motion. Mike: Uh, that liquid dropping? It's too yellow to be a tear. Bots: Ewwwwwww!!! > By the time it had dropped past her nose, a > violet light engulfed her body. The pain caused the kitsune to > throw back her head. Crow: It was under the weight restrictions anyway. Mike: Don't kitsune have nine tails? Tails will be jealous.... Tom: She's a kit o' nine tails! > > By the time the tear reached her chest, Tom: The audience was bored to tears, themselves. Crow: Hey author, do you really want to draw attention to her chest? > her arms, tail, and > torso took on the smoothness and sheen of polished metal. Mike: So that's what they mean by a shiny coat. > But before > the weight of her upper half made her collapse, her thighs, knees, > and legs were reinforced with the same material. Tom: See, this is how you can tell an engineer wrote this fanfic. Mike: At least she's been brought up to ANSI standards. Crow: Pamela Anderson Lee should get that done too. > The tear landed on > the pad next to the metallic boot that seconds before had been the > living tissue of Tamara's foot. Tom: And was now beginning to rust away. > > Rachel gasped. Mike: Never had she seen such a bad case of osteoporosis. > She jumped up from her seat and onto the > platform as the cylinders were raised. Crow: [Frau Farbissina] Bring in the fembots! > With her finger she tore the > tape off the vixen's snout. Mike: [vixen] EEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Tom: [vixen] I may be a robot now, but that still HURTS!! > The vixen's head swiveled to face her, > eyeing the human with an emotionless ruby gaze. All: We are the Borg. You know the rest. > She gave no > indication of being grateful for the gesture. Mike: Seeing as how Rachel just sat there during the assimilation, it does seem a less-than-grand gesture. > > Robotnik smiled evil-ly. Tom: It's evilly. EVILLY! There's no hyphen, you bozo! Mike: Easy, Tom. We're almost done. > "Don't rush, my dear. You're next." Crow: [Robotnik] You're going to the showcase. Come on down! > > It wasn't long before Rachel took her place Mike: Maybe it *was* a transporter. > among the three > mechs on the platform. Crow: The fox and two SWATbots. The wolves escaped when we weren't looking. Mike: And now, ladies and gentlemen...RACHEL AND THE MECHS! [Bots cheer] > Robotnik held his palm out to Packbell. Tom: [Robotnik] Slap me some metal, brother. > The > android laid a computer disk in the evil tyrant's hand. Mike: [Robotnik] Finally, the Sega Genesis emulator is mine. > The doctor Crow: And the captain? > plugged the disk into the console. Tom: [Robotnik] He coulda just e-mailed it to me, but no... > > "What are you doing?" Rachel stuttered. Mike: [Robotnik] Scanning for viruses. You can't be too careful. > > "Just making some minor design specifications. Crow: [Robotnik] I finally got the Roboticizer upgrade to System Pack 3. > I think you'd > look better in something a little more Gothic. Tom: [Robotnik] Here, try on this flying buttress. > How would you like to > be able to fly, hmm?" Mike: [Robotnik] I still have some medicinal cannabis left over. Tom: It's a trick! He'll turn you into Mecha-Dumbo! Crow: You know, this is kind of like that scene in the X-Men movie where Magneto turned the mutation machine on Senator Whatshisname, except it stinks. [Pause] Oh, wait, it's *exactly* like the X-Men movie. What was I thinking? > > Rachel pounded on the glass. "What is this thing?" Mike: [Robotnik] You mean the clear hard air in front of you? That would be glass. Crow: And she can't break it. Pathetic girl. > > Robotnik sneered. "I call it the Roboticizer." Tom: [Robotnik] Now you can be assimilated AND trim your thighs with my award-winning Roboticizer! Just three easy payments... > > Commander Packbell watched as Robotnik primed the machine Mike: Primed it? You mean like a car or lawn mower? Crow: In part 11, Rachel's saved when the machine is flooded. > for > another subject. Tom: [Robotnik] Let's see...60% power for 2 minutes per each 10 pounds of human... > Two hours ago, when Robotnik had called Packbell > and ordered him to modify a roboticizer for a human, Packbell had > eagerly complied. Crow: That employee of the month certificate was as good as his. > He assumed Robotnik had grown tired of his nephew > and had decided to roboticize the little nurc. Tom: He arrests drug dealers? Mike: That's NARC. Crow: At least nobody's said "up your nose with a rubber hose." [Pause] Yet. > > The android watched in semi-disappointment as the unfamiliar > human female was placed on the dias instead. Mike: These are the dias of our lives. > His displeasure was > short-lived however. Crow: As one of the adjustments turned out to be in the chest area... Mike: Crow! Crow: Well, if you're gonna make her look like an RPG avatar, you may as well go all the way. > He observed in sadistic glee as the > Bio-Mechanical Transmuter charged up and discharged, bathing the > occupant in a purple radiance. Tom: [Packbell] [chortle] She looks *terrible* in purple! > > "AAIII-NOOOOO!!!" Rachel shrieked. Mike: [Rachel] I *hated* that movie! "Programmed to love," my foot! > > Packbell's lips parted in an irrepressible grin. He imagined > Robotnik in Rachel's place. Crow: [Packbell] Even though I know his fat butt would never fit into the chamber... > Tom: And yet another scene dies without warning. Mike: Let's make like a sunburn and peel out. [They lay down their cards and leave.] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOAR bridge. Everybody is looking at the giant plate. Wolfe is fooling with it.] MW: Almost got it...Almost got it.... [Melvin's hologram appears above it. He flickers a bit.] MW: Got it. [Melvin flickers, then disappears.] MW: Maybe not. [Fools around some more] Try it now. Melvin: [reappears, translucent but fairly stable] Guys? Is that you? I'm really taking a gamble talking to you, but they're getting closer every second.... Gypsy: We extracted your clue from this chapter, but we need your help in solving the next piece of the puzzle. Your clue says.... Crow: Because we figured you'd know everything. As an engineer. MW: Guys.... Tom: You know, like in the story. Skye Wolfe happens to be a genius in every subject.... Melvin: Well, of course. When you're an engineer, you have an insight into a wide variety of subjects. But Forrester's troops are on my trail.... Crow: Oh, come on. You don't really know EVERYTHING, do you? Melvin: What? You doubt that? Crow: Care to put your money where your mouth is? Mike: How much are we talking about? Tom: I'll bet you 50 dollars of Mike's money that you can be stumped. Mike: Now wait just a second.... Crow: Come on. Unless you're chicken. Tom: Buck-buck-buck.... [A strange look of resolve comes across Melvin's face.] Melvin: You're on. What have you got? Crow: What is the meaning of life? Melvin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We'll need some rules. No open-answered, ambiguous questions that require drugs to answer them. Tom: Got it. No philosophy. No religion. No explanations of Al Gore's campaign strategy. Crow: [grumble] Tom: Okay, then. What is the induced EMF of an AC generator's rotating loop? Melvin: Angular velocity times the magnitude of the magnetic field times the area of the loop times the sine function of angular velocity times time. Tom: Correct! Mike: [breaking in over Tom's line] What is Raoult's Law and its application? Melvin: The partial pressure exerted by solvent vapor above an ideal solution is the product of the mole fraction of solvent in the solution and the vapor pressure of the pure solvent at the given temperature. In other words, a dissolved solute lowers the vapor pressure of a solvent. It can be used to predict the vapor pressure of ideal solutions and to show off at parties. Mike: Correct! Crow: [breaking in] There's a tree that's nearly submerged in water. You need to take it down, so you swim down to the base and attach an explosive to the south-southeast part of the tree base. Which way does it fall? Melvin: None. Trees float. Crow: Correct! Tom: [breaking in] What's the deal with the Kids' Crew? Melvin: Written in the 1990s, it represents the economic philosophy of the internet economy. Old, experienced rule-followers supposedly couldn't keep up with young, creative geniuses. Forget 20-year-old captains--we had 20-year-old CEOs. [Pause] Or it could be that he was going for the teen/ preteen demographic. Tom: Correct! Mike: [as before] What's the deal with all the bad reporting? Melvin: Reporters tend to be surface-oriented, with an eye toward the unusual, and with no eye toward any type of context or history. They strive more towards "balance" and "breaking news" at the expense of accuracy or perspective. And they fail, revealing an insular groupthink-like culture. Mike: Correct! Crow: Suppose you wanted to host a dinner party. How would you prepare a special food for that special someone? Melvin: Mix in a medium bowl a cup of whole milk or lowfat yogurt, a cup of sour cream, a half cup of Dijon mustard, and a tablespoon of minced garlic. Combine in a wide, shallow bowl, three cups dry unseasoned breadcrumbs, one cup grated Parmesan cheese, a teaspoon of ground sage, a teaspoon of salt, and a half-teaspoon of ground black pepper. Lay out twelve pieces of thawed chicken. Bang against the table such appendages as your head as you discover that the chicken is frozen and that you forgot the oregano and the supermarket is closed and that special someone is allergic to chicken anyway. Be sure to prescream at 50 decibels, and then scream at 70-85 decibels for 10 minutes or until face is a passionate red. Call up nearest Chinese food delivery place. Crow: Correct! Tom: Should a bridal couple register? Melvin: Typically, Miss Manners frowns on the idea of registering for gifts, which turns a happy occassion into a greed fest. However, a registry is permitted for weddings because even Miss Manners likes a greed fest every so often. Tom: Correct! Mike: What have I got in my pocket? Melvin: Lint, a paper clip, a fuzzy cough drop, and eleven cents. Mike: Correct! Crow: In a battle between the Death Star, aided by the Kilrathi and MechaGodzilla, and the Enterprise, aided by the Farscape crew and the Foxtrot family, who would win? Melvin: Who the hell cares? Crow: That's a rather unusual viewpoint, given that you're an Engineer, and that they tend to be a little more oriented toward these kinds of.... Melvin: Who the hell cares? Crow: Correct! Tom: What is the electrical voltage of.... Melvin: 37.9 volts. Tom: Wow. Correct! Mike: How do you feel? [Pause] Melvin: You mean my emotional state? Mike: How do you feel? Melvin: Well, I feel...that is, I... [he begins to sweat] You see... Mike: How do you feel? Melvin: I'm not sure I understand the...That is, I... Mike: How do you feel? Melvin: I...I feel...I...I... [breaks down] I don't know! Okay, I don't know! I just don't know.... Crow: Way to go, Mike. Mike: With 50 dollars on the line, I can fight dirty. Melvin: Damn you, Nelson! Damn you! Gypsy: Guys, the clue! What do you mean by "Realm Rules"? Melvin: Damn...Huh? I thought that was obvious. Listen to the citizens, keep things balanced, and above all, don't... [hologram disappears] All: Don't what? DON'T WHAT?!? [Hologram appears. Dogs barking, engine sounds, blasts and other noises can be heard in the background.] Melvin: PANIC!!! [An explosion blocks our view of Melvin and then the hologram disappears.] All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! Mike: Wait. I think he meant "Don't Panic." All: Oh. [sighs of relief and mellowness] [This level is an RPG of the Bronx Zoo. You have to convince Bobo to give you the key: a tricycle.] [SOAR] Mike: Put them together and what have you got? Bots: Bippity Boppity... [BOOM!] [A pair of earrings appears.] Mike: I don't get it. MW: Hey, there's a trading planet up ahead. [pause] Peacekeeper territory. Mike: So we need it to trade for something. Okay, let's beam down... Julie: Wait. [Walks to Mike] Mike, before you go...I haven't always had the best of luck in men. I keep falling for losers, like Wisconsin temp workers or something...but I've never met anyone as brave as you, and I hope that.... Mike: [takes her hand] It was my pleasure. Julie: Just promise me that you'll hurry back. And...that you won't hurt me like SHE did. Mike: I would never hurt you. Ever. And I'll hurry back. I promise. Bots: Kiss her!!! [Mike and Julie kiss, in a passionate, moving scene.] Bots: YUCK! Stop kissing her! Julie: Good luck. Mike: Thanks. And I'll see you on the flip side. [winks] [Mike and the bots disappear] Julie: [speaking into watch] Latchkey to Mother. The ship is in, and the eagle has landed. Watch: Domino's Pizza. What did you say? Julie: [after thinking] I have no idea. Honestly, why my boss told me to say that.... [The realm is a cross between Farscape and Curse of the Jade Scorpion realms. You use logic to find the right person and buy another wormhole seed.] [Fight through Flighters again.] [Movie shot of wormhole opening. SOAR flies through. Wormhole closes before attacking ships can punch through.] All: [Cheers] MW: Two in the box. Tom: Ready to go. Crow: We be fast and... All: They be slow!! Mike: Guess my ears are ringing. Huh? Huh? [Deep Space 13] Dr. F: Foolish Mike. You've just walked right into my hands. [Evil laughter until a fly pops into his mouth. Then choking.] --------------FINE Zone 2--------------------- [Insert disk for Zone 3] "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. "The GateMaster" is property of Michael Wolfe, who has been a really great sport about letting us shred it to bits. Thanks, MW! "Sonic the Hedgehog" and "Sonic the Hedgehog" characters are trademarks of and Copyright Sega, Archie Comics, and DIC. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc, Sega, Archie Comics, or DIC is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are implied or should be inferred. Stinger: > Like being thrown into an Olympic bobsled track, an invisible pair > of hands latched onto Skye's essence, vaulting him right/up, > left/down, right/up, down/right, and through a blinding ring of > light -spiraling him out of control the whole way.