THE GATEMASTER, Part 6 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): The Placid Jack Acid Melvin Pollack Valeria Jim Whaley Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren [Insert Game Disk 2] [Turn down your lights, unless this is a GameBoy Advance.] Our Movie so far: In the wake of an undisclosed disaster at Akila Valley and the rout of a less than spectacularly planned spy mission, Robotnik has begun work on a new device that does... something. And, naturally, our only hope lies in a teenage orphaned prodigy who has built a transwarp gateway. Our Game so far: Mike Nelson and his robot pals, recently freed from the clutches of Pearl Forrester, were hoping to settle down. When Mike Wolfe kidnapped them, that put a damper on their plans--but not like the damper of Dr. Forrester's return. Now several universes will be conquered unless Mike Nelson and his pals can survive this story, fight their way to Forrester's lair, and defeat him once and for all until the sequel. [Deep Hurting 13. Several villainous characters, such as Eilur th'Terryal and Davey Kintobor, are sitting around a table, sulking.] Kintobor: I've just gotten word from the front. Melvin's rebel forces have scorched the perimeter. We've been unable to find them. John_Winston: The SOAR has already penetrated the outer shield. They're coming for us. Orrin Hatch: Damn it! You had the chance to take care of them! John_Winston: Hey, I'd like to see you try, you...you... Eilur: Cold coffee. John_Winston: Yes! You cold...what? Eilur: [whiny] My coffee's cold. Barbara Walters: We have more important things to worry about, you ignorant slut! Eilur: [whiny] But I'm a few degrees shy from optimal warmth. Dick Cheney: That's one way to put it. Eilur: Oh, go put your head in an undisclosed location! [Suddenly, thunder crashes and a figure phases in. He is recognized instantly by nerds the world over.] Dr. F: Now, now. This arguing will get us nowhere. Melvin's pathetic troop is but an insignificant insurrection. Eilur: I like that movie. That slow motion...EEEEEEEEEEE YES!! Dr. F: [muttering] Good in bed...Solved the projection equations... got to keep her sweet... [normal] As for Mike Nelson and his band of losers, I have something special for him! [All laugh evilly.] Eilur: [interrupting] Anybody here like heavy metal? [Bridge of SOAR. Crow and Tom are playing Scrabble. Michael Wolfe is playing Pong. Gypsy is painting a picture of Richard Basehart. Mike walks in. Their new looks are described in The GateMaster, Book 1.] Mike: Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Starship of Amorous Relations. We recently broke through the first barrier of Dr. Forrester's lair, and we're now relaxing until the next crisis. Crow: You suck, Servo! Tom: Bite me, beak boy! Mike: Well, relaxing for us. Guys, what's up? Crow: Mike! Servo is cheating! Tom: I am not! Mike: Crow.... Crow: Mike, he put down a word that he shouldn't have, and I challenged him and now he won't take it back! Tom: It is too a valid word! Crow: Please. Mike, he used "vital." Mike: Crow, I'm going to have to go with him on this one. That's probably in the dictionary.... Crow: Geez, Mike. That's exactly my point. Mike: [finally looks at the board] "Breastly"? "Gypsp"? "Backwords"? Guys, what exactly are you playing? Tom: Duh. It's Thinker Scrabble. Crow: Yeah. Get with it. We follow the dictionary system collated from Dr. Thinker stories and correspondence. It's the latest craze. Tom: Well, I saw Thinker spell "vital." Crow: Get real. He spelled a word correctly? Please. [Pause.] Tom: Of course he didn't spell it correctly. He was trying to spell "vittles." Crow: Oh. [Pause] Well, why didn't you say so? Of course that's valid. Mike: Well, I'm glad that you needed my help.... MW: Oh no! Gahhh! Mike: What! What is it? MW: My computer just conked out! When I was winning! Bots: [chuckle] Oh, poor baby. What could have caused that? MW: The radiation weaponry of a Forrester Flighter. All: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Shot of SOL coverted into spaceship. It glides as "song intro music" cues. The ship is highly retrofitted, with warp nacelles on the shaft's sides. It "warps" out just as the singing begins.] Chorus: In the not-too-distant future, One week from now, AD, Mike Nelson and his robot pals Thought they achieved victory. But then they learned the return of Dr. Forrester The evil man's plan: still to rule the world. He faked his death, vanished, put his plan in place. Now our heroes must follow him To the depths of Cyberspace.... Crow: [Normal] Course set for alt.troll. Mike: [Normal] Engage! Tom: [singing] We'll read this cheezy epic. Crow: And search it all for clues. (La, la, la.) MW: We'll fight his minions, try to find the keys 'Cause we can't afford to lose. (La, la, la.) Mike: Now keep in mind we can't control Where the game begins or ends. (La, la, la.) So it's up to us to save the Universe Chorus: With the help of our robot friends. SOAR Crew Roll Call.... Nelson (Who's your hero?) Julie (Oh dear.) Mel Pollack (Damn you, Mister Bond!) Wolfe (What have I done?) Cambot (I've been cloned.) Gypsy (Lara Who?) Tom Servo (Next Generation.) Croooowwwww (I'm Back!) Chorus: Now don't forget to often save. And other player facts. (La, la, la.) And repeat to yourself "It's just a game. I should play this to relax." On Mysteryyyyyyy (Mystery, mystery) Science Theateeerrrrr (Doobie, doobie) 3K64 (bass: Mystery Science Theater Three-Kay-Six-Fourrrrr) [End of third scene.] [Main Menu, with new, load, settings, etc.] [Click Load Game] -------------------------- [Fight through a couple of rounds of Flighters.] [SOAR. Explosions continue to shake the bridge.] Tom: There's too many of them! Gypsy: She canna take much more o' this, Captain. Mike: Only one chance. Quick, fly through an asteroid field or a nebula or something.... Crow: Oh, like that's going to.... MW: I found an asteroid field. Crow: Oh. Well, in that case, how conveeeeeeeenient. Mike: Just set a course! Full speed ahead! [Fly and fight through an asteroid field.] [SOAR Bridge] Gypsy: They're breaking off. Crow: Yep, not many people can fly through an asteroid field without incident. [SOAR shakes and sparks fly.] Tom: Us, for instance. MW: An asteroid has punctured our shields. Hull breach on decks... Wait a second... [He presses more buttons, getting excited.] It is! Oh, wow! It is! Crow: Is it? Tom: It is! Crow: Is it? I mean, is it? Tom: It really, truly, is! Crow: Oh, great. Another sane man bites the dust. MW: Just let me get the transporter beam going...and...Bingo! [A shimmering effect. Then a large, circular object phases onto the bridge. It looks like a bunch of wires and panels are sticking out.] MW: Yes! Mike: What is it? MW: It's a communications scrambler device. With it, we can contact almost anybody in either universe, including Pollack and the other rebels. Tom: [flat] Wow. What a strange coincidence. Crow: [flatter] Yes, what are the odds of that? Gypsy: Hey. How about acknowledging my contribution? Tom: You didn't do anything. Gypsy: Didn't I? Crow: Well, of course...that is...Well, just in case.... All but Gypsy: Thank you. Gypsy: No problem. MW: Okay. We got a satellite dish in Part 5, and I have some other equipment...It'll take a while for me to fix this. And Gypsy, you probably should do something about that hole. And, also, we've got.... All: FANFIC SIGN!!! [6...It's a locked door. You don't have a key, so you pick the lock.] [5...It's a ladder. As you climb, you dodge barrels and fireballs.] [4...It's a giant clothing trunk, like in Get Smart.] [3...It's the Austin Powers Unnecessarily Slow-Moving Platform. Watch out for the genetically mutated sea bass. They're irritable.] [2...It's a staircase from Diablo. You walk down, find yourself in Hell, and hope you can stay, but you go to....] [1...It's a pipe from Mario World] [Our heroes enter the theater and pick up their Avatar Bingo cards.] > GOOD MORNING Tom: [sings] Nothin' to do to save the fic, call the bots in... > Earth Crow: ...the Earth says hello! The Moon, meanwhile, wants you to get bent. > - Grand Rapids, Michigan > Skye Wolfe's Bedroom/Den Tom: AKA Rick's Garage, AKA Skye Blue Dump, AKA Baby Face Marinara. Crow: Get it? A Wolf's Den! Hehee, oh, this is gonna hurt... Mike: Anybody else think "Skye Wolfe" sounds like a character from Top Gun? > October 2, 1998 AD - Fri. 5:54 AM Mike: [Joe Friday] We tracked Mr. Bedroom to the bank on Hollywood and Vine.... > > The radio alarm by Skye's bed was silent. Crow: Not a very good alarm, is it? Tom: [radio announcer] You're listening to K-MUTE... Mike: Maybe it jabs you with a needle instead of making noise. > Then it turned 5:55. Crow: Then it turned 6:66, signaling that a hallucination-inducing priest just freed Skye's stalker of five years ago.... Mike: That's it. No more X-Files for you. > The rock-and-roll tune of Oingo Boingo's hit song 'Weird Science' > shouted throughout the garage. Tom: Boy, when Rick has a hangover, he just acts REAL weird. Crow: And then copyright lawyers descended on the scene like a pack of rabid coyotes. > > "Plastic tubes and pots and pans > Bits and pieces and Mike: We're all ready to make a nice casserole. > The mag-ic from my hands Crow: Yeah, I got your magic from my hands RIGHT HERE! Mike: Crow... > We're makin' Weird Science!" Tom: See, this is the classic form of symbolism...in that it hits you in the face like a cymbal. > > "...Things I never seen before Mike: [Skye] Like prune preserves. I mean, that stuff's *amazing!* > (behind bolted doors)..." Tom: And in the author's very own padded cell. > > "...Talent and I-mag-ination Crow: Take a good look. That's the only time you'll see "talent" and and "imagination" in this story. Mike: [winces] That's kinda harsh. Crow: Hey, where was the "i-mag-ination" in Skye's sliding doohickey? > (Weird Science!)..." Mike: Weird fanfic is more like it. > > "...Not what teacher said to do > Makin' dreams come true. Tom: Is the author going to transcribe the entire song? Mike: It hasn't got a chance as Best Sci-Fi Movie, so he's shooting for Best Musical. > Living tissue, warm flesh, Crow: NAKED Science! Tom: Soft, firm, supple science! > (Weird Science!)..." Crow: You mean like Science of the 'Ambs? [All groan] > > "...Its my creation - Is it real? Mike: See, this is why you should always document your work. Crow: You shouldn't reanimate corpses while you're under the influence, ya knob! > Its my creation - I do not know." Tom: So Oingo Boingo subscribes to the intelligent design theory? Mike: Bit of a stretch there, Tom. Tom: Oh, I know. It's just my own little way of sublimating my abject horror at realizing he's actually going to bring his own story to a screeching halt by making us sit here and read the lyrics to the ENTIRE DAMNED SONG. Crow: Daydream about Parker Posey instead. That usually works for me. > No hesitations - No heart of gold. Crow: The rest of me is gold, though. Tom: You wish. > Just flesh and blood. Crow: Don't forget the naked and supple part! > I do not know! (Why don't I know?)" Tom: Too easy? Crow: Waaaay too easy. > > "...From my heart and from my > hands, why don't people > un-der-stand my intentions..." Crow: Better enunciate. Take an English class, too. Tom: I was only trying to elevate humankind to a higher plane of existence, but they burned my lab down and shot me! Why, God, why? > > "...Magic and technology, > Voodoo dolls and chants, > E-lec-tricity we're makin' Mike: Voodoo and electricity? How does the stock market figure into this? Crow: What do you think Wall Street runs on? > Weird Science..." Tom: [Bill Nye] SCIENCE!! > > Skye rolled over in bed. Crow: [Skye] Oh, man, this dream is fantastic.... > > "...Fantasy and microchips, Tom: [author, screechy] Implanted in my buttocks by the Zionist minions of the United Nations-controlled federal government to FORCE ME TO WRITE THIS STORY! > Shootin' from the hip. > Some-thin' dif-fer-ent Crow: Like spraying Silly String in your ears. Go for it! > will make it Weird Science!" Crow: Big one this time... Tom: [Bill Nye] SCIENCE!! > > "...Pictures from a magazine, Mike: [old lady voice] And just what are you doing with those, young man?! > Diagrams and charts. > Mending broken hearts Crow: Well, this certainly isn't the theme song to The Blame Game. > (and makin') Weird Science!" Tom: [Bill Nye] SCIENCE!! Mike: [snicker] Stop that. > > A probing hand searched the floor for a clock. Crow: [Skye, drunken] Thing?! I went home with YOU?! > > "...Some-thin' like a re-cipe: Mike: For a rainy-day ipecac. > Bits 'n' pieces and Crow: If it's Reeses Pieces, it must be something like an ET recipe. > Bits 'n' pieces and Tom: [sings] ...high silk hose and peek-a-boo clothes And French perfume that rocks the room And I'm all yours in buttons and bows! > Bits 'n' pieces, pieces, pieces..." Crow: And bits! And PIECES! We GET it, shut up SHUT UP! Mike: What about Parker Posey? Crow: She DIED, all right?! She was too beautiful to live and this moronic song KILLED her! Mike: Crow! Snap out of it! You've got to be strong! Crow: You're right. I...I was flashing back to "Space Mutiny." Tom: It's like...Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome....The '80s music and the stolen special effects and the way it went on and on and.... My God, we're nowhere close to the credits! Mike: We've got to pull together. Millions of Earthlings are counting on us for some unknown reason. > > "- Weird Science!!!" Tom: Guys, I think we just talked over the only Dick Contino song in the whole story. Mike: Well, I can see...huh? > > Slam! Crow: Oh my God, he's also doing the musical effects! Mike: It's okay. The song is over. We survived 80's music. Tom: Now we just have to survive 80 more chapters. > Skye's palm struck the snooze bar with the force of a > person Tom: With the strength of 10 bananas. All: It's BananaMan! > who would like to stay in bed, but he got up anyway (albeit > very slowly). Mike: This must be the famous scene that just delivers all the feelings and nuances, as in watching someone wake up is EXCRUCIATINGLY boring. > > "So this is my last day on Earth," Skye yawned. [All cheer] Mike: Well! Nice to start the day on a positive note! > "I guess its > time to get things started." Crow: [Skye] Now, where did I put my hemlock? Tom: What, right out of bed and he's already going to jump through the wormhole? Mike: Talk about impatience. He must hate Earth really bad. Crow: Don't you hate Earth too, Mike? Mike: No way! On Earth there's these bankrupt restaurants with cheesy food and high prices that let you meet television and movie stars. They're really great! Crow: Do you mean Denny's? Mike: No, Crow. > > Skye crawled out of bed, rolled his neck around his shoulders Tom: Whoah, time out. This Skye fellow a giraffe or something? > , Mike: A cricket got into the keyboard! > and stretched his arm and leg muscles. Crow: [Skye] Yup. Guess the fanfic isn't going to write ITSELF... > Skye had found out the hard > way that stretching was very necessary when performing his martial > arts Tom: Martial artist! [marks his card.] Crow: That'll come in handy when he arrives on Mobius and joins the Freedom Fighters. Mike: You think that's what's going to happen? Crow: MIKE! It's a self-insertion Sonic fic! Mike: ...You're right. I was being optimistic. > and gymnastic moves in the morning (unless he really wanted a > twisted ankle or broken wrist). Tom: Well, it *would* be the perfect excuse to stay home from school. > Some moves Skye just could > not do unless he warmed up first. Mike: Riverdancing is something you do NOT enter into lightly. > > Dutifully, Skye practiced a few kicks and an assortment of > basic flips, spins, and dives. Crow: Michael Jackson-Fu! Mike: I wish to protest. This only further stereotypes engineers as athletic and well-coordinated. > He kept overextending every time he > pulled out of a spin. Crow: But his triple lutzes were pure poetry on ice. Tom: [sings] He'd melt this story to a pile of goo--*that's* what Brian Boitano'd do! > It was somethinmg he still needed to work on. Tom: Actually, I think his spelling is "somethinmg" to work on... > Maybe he'd stop by the Youth Center after school Mike: What a dweeb. If it was *my* last day on earth, I wouldn't go to school! > and practice with > his friend, Yoshi. All: Teenage Mutant Ninja Dweebs! Crow: Sensei Yoshi, dino from Mushroom Land! > Exercise out of the way, Mike: [Skye] Yep, three minutes is plenty. [Huff, puff] Time for a cigarette. > Skye picked the lock to > the country house to get into the bathroom. Crow: Diabolique learned that the emerald necklace was hidden in the medicine chest. Tom: [Skye] Man, that "Breaking and Entering for Fun and Profit" book really paid off. Mike: I'm sure that he does these illegal things only on the side of justice. Crow: YES! [marks card] > (His learning-impaired > step-father had locked him out once again.) Crow: Oh, c'mon, there are much funnier PC ways to say "stupid" than that! Like "Not the sharpest crayon in the box!" Mike: "Two sheep short of a sweater!" Tom: "Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching!" Crow: "A brain like a BB in a boxcar!" Mike: "No wind in his mind's windmills!" Tom: "Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum!" > > Skye took it slow and quiet, hoping to avoid another > confrontation with Rick. Mike: [Skye] He has no strength or intelligence and I am deathly afraid of him. > Fortunately, his step-father was nowhere to > be seen. Crow: Get your abusive stepfather the gift you'll both love: A Romulan cloaking device. > After a quick shower, Skye returned to the workshop. The > next item of business was a little technical maintenance. Tom: He created the wormhole last night and it's broken already. Definitely from the US. > > HARD CHOICES Mike: [Skye] Now, should I practice a few kicks, or an assortment of basic flips, spins, and dives? Tom: [Skye] What the heck, let's be wild and crazy--I'll do BOTH! > Earth - Grand Rapids, Michigan > Skye Wolfe's Workshop Crow: /Den. Mike: You do that well. Crow: Thank you. > October 2, 1998 AD - Fri. 6:10 AM Mike: Wait a minute, this is just twenty minutes later! And it's the same scene! > > "Let 'er rip!" Tom: [Joe Friday] We were called to investigate a series of chainsaw massacres. > > Skye stared in intense fascination as the vortex and the tunnel > to whoknowswhere formed. Mike: What's he watching, his bathwater? > To the lone youth, it was a fascinating > show that defied reality. Mike: Skye, it goes down the pipes to the sewer. Not that mysterious, really. > > Skye smirked. Crow: [Skye, dumb] I made a funny. > > 'Reality' had seemed like such a simple term once. Tom: That was before he'd been introduced to the brown acid.... > It was > supposed to signify more than just the world or the universe. It was Mike: --Also supposed to include California. > supposed to describe the rules the cosmos played by. Crow: [Skye] Wow. This is like, totally deep 'n' stuff. > These were the > so-called 'irrefutable' laws of nature that everybody assumed > dictated what was allowed -or forbidden in the whole of creation. Tom: Like Lambada, the forbidden dance! Mike: But then Skye realized the Catholic Church had been right all along, and the sun *did* revolve around the earth! > > It just wasn't that simple anymore. Crow: So, Mannheim University's physics department has a special moron hiring quota? Tom: Hey, judging by this, every public high school in the state of Kansas would be *begging* him to teach science. > The more Skye learned and > thought, the more intricate and mysterious reality got. Mike: For instance, the way that all the bottles of Mrs. Butterworth were conspiring to kill him. Crow: Hey, he's a poet and he doesn't know it! Tom: Longfellow has nothin' on Skye's mad poeting skills. > > Skye phrased it best with a remark he'd once made while > studying physics: "The more I know, the less I seem to." Tom: [Skye] This _Koans for Dummies_ is the best book *ever*! Crow: So based on our perception of his IQ, he must be Einstein. Mike: Simple logic, Captain. > > Then it all changed. Crow: Now it was "More to the less I, the know seem the I." Mike: Ah, puberty. It has a way of making dimensional portals seems so childish and insignificant! > > Skye had found that all the rules could be broken by moving the > game to a different playing field. Mike: To counteract the Wizards' losing streak, their next game will be in Shay Stadium. > A playing field that lay behind > this doorway...this portal to...somewhere else? Crow: Brilliant guesswork, Skye! Tom: He's not the author avatar for nothing. > > Then it occurred to him. What should he call the 'thing'? Tom: Strangely, the thing calls itself "Monsieur Pipi." Mike: Oh, that's much more important than thinking about the possible metaphysical and sociological changes it will create.... > Skye > brainstormed as he absentmindedly checked the capacitor gauges. All: [fall out of their seats] Crow: Has this guy ever SEEN a capacitor? Tom: Maybe he gets it out of the interocitor kit catalogue. > The > capacitors he'd been using were little more than army surplus. Mike: So they're little bead-sized balls with two metal plates, a dielectric, and a scope the size of a turkey baster. Crow: Sounds like a capacitor, all right. Mike: Hey, maybe he means those glowing balls like in the Frankenstein movies! Tom: Oh, yeah. Those are definitely army surplus. > They > had a tendency to leak when they got too full of electricity. Crow: [Skye] Yes, I know that "too full of electricity" means nothing, and that capacitors do not "leak" under any circumstances, but my machine has changed all the supposed laws of physics. Remember? > It > wasn't usually dangerous, but it reduced the effectiveness of the > wiring in his workshop. Mike: Reduced the effectiveness? Crow: Yeah. When that dielectric melts, it runs down the wire and clogs it like fat clogs an artery. Tom: So a charged capacitor blocks bugs and wiretaps. Good to know. > As long as the tapping heads were shut, the > capacitors couldn't discharge. Mike: Tapping heads? As opposed to a switch, or...? Crow: Look, we've already established that this bozo couldn't pass a circuit theory class by cheating, so just accept it. Tom: Hey, I know what to call that thing! Call it the "Wormhole Held Open by Capacitors with Dangerously High Electric Leakage." > > It seemed that one in the corner needed to be dumped, though. Crow: [Skye] It's not you. It's me. > The charge was a bit too high. Tom: The Y2K bug hits yet another credit card company. Mike: I suppose next we'll hear that it overloaded from the awesome energy of Skye's brainstorm. > Skye engaged the safeguard to make > sure it wouldn't discharge too much and prepared to dump. Crow: So he juggled the doodangers, ruffled the pampoozlers, adjusted the qualmfuddites, and set phasers on "stun"! Mike: These Wonka-mobiles are a royal pain to break in. > > "Hmm," Skye voiced. Tom: [sings a warmup scale] Hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm... > The tapping head wouldn't close. "I'll just > give it a little push..." Crow: [Skye] Ho, hum. Worrying about electrostatic discharge is for losers. > > //WARNING: SAFETY MEASURES COMPROMISED// Tom: [machine] I'm going to call OSHA on you. > > Skye reached out to touch it just as the safeguard > failed... Mike: Safe sex commercials have gone too far. > > KRAAAZZZZZZAK!!! All: [beat] HOORAY! WOO-HOO! Crow: [booming] Thanks to a freak capacitor incident, Skye Wolf became Krazak, with the power to whine until the crooks surrendered just to get him to shut up. > > A bolt of white light followed Skye's trajectory Tom: God's on our side! Yay! > as he flew > across the room -crashing into the wall. Mike: Next time, that light bolt will watch here it's going. > The impact shook the wall > and a black leather-bound book teetered on the edge of the shelf > above him. Crow: Oh, no! Not the Book of Clow! > > Skye groaned and raised his head groggily as he regained his > senses. Tom: That Rohypnol breakfast shake might have been a bad idea. > The book leaned forward and back on the very edge of the > shelf like a basketball traveling in circles on the hoop, Mike: Kind of an odd analogy for something that's rectangular and not too bouncy. Crow: Maybe it's a dreidel? > unable to > decide whether to fall in or bounce out. Tom: [basketball] Hmm...if I fall in, the Rockets will lose. I just can't do that to them...But what if I disobey the laws of physics? > > The book fell off the shelf and conked Skye before falling open > on his lap. Tom: I guess now Skye understands the GRAVITY of the situation! Mike: Anybody else have a craving for apples? Crow: I just hope no white rabbits with pocket watches start showing up. > As Skye yowled again, Crow: This is a practical joke, isn't it? He's going to enter the gate and meet our real hero. Isn't he? > an unfelt breeze Tom: I could blow forever, but I just don't feel like it. > riffled the pages > and came to a stop. Skye felt for the throbbing bump Crow: Eww! Skye, not NOW! > as his gaze > fell across the page. Mike: [Skye, reading] "He who gets hit by this book shall be forever cursed with the beltline of Steven Urkel." Tom: [Skye] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! > > - - - > JOSHUA 20:4 -'And when he flees to one of those cities, and stands > at the entrance of THE GATE of the city, and declares his case in > the hearing of the elders of that city, they shall take him into the > city Crow: And make him take the case into Customs. > as one of them, and give him a place, that he may dwell among > them.' Crow: [Bible] But they shall grumble about illegal immigrants and discriminate against him, the poor schmuck. Mike: [slowly, building in disbelief] So, it's *just* not enough for our hero to be a sensitive, tragic, misunderstood, orphaned genius--he also requires completely ludicrous infusions of divine intervention to save his sorry ass from the natural consequences of his own PATHETIC STUPIDITY?! Tom: Say what you will, Mike, but J.K. Rowling's laughing all the way to the bank. [marks card] > - - - > > "The Gate." Mike: And we got a whole mystical coincidence buildup scene for THAT? Gee, if there had been a thunderclap and an angel choir too, maybe he'd have named it "The BIG Gate"! Tom: The *Great* Gate. It's a Sonicfic. Crow: [grumbles something about elf-lovers] > > That was it. Tom: He could travel to this city after "accidentally" bumping off Rick! Mike: Okay, I guess he should have considered the context.... Crow: [defensively, suddenly interrupting] Look, I *like* Harry Potter, all right?! Tom: Crow, just face facts--it's the Satanic marriage of Enid Blyton and Victorian melodrama with some magic wands thrown in. Crow: [heatedly] You've got *no* sense of childlike wonder in your soul at all, do you? Next you'll be telling me that the Narnia Chronicles are nothing but tricked-up Christian propaganda for people who can't handle *real* speculative fiction-- Tom: [equally heatedly] And you'll be telling *me* that J.R.R. Tolkien was a Robert-Lippert-walking-scene expository dullard who couldn't create a three-dimensional character to save his sorry Elvish-spouting life! Mike: Guys-- > That was the most inspiring thing he could come up > with. Crow: [To Tom] Look, at least Rowling knows how to get a story off the *ground,* all right? Harry gets his letter, boom, Hogwarts, climactic battle against evil, wait for the sequel! Frodo sits around for SEVENTEEN YEARS before he finally decides to get rid of the damned Ring! Mike: [now physically separating them] Hey, guys, did you know that the "Sampo" of the legendary Finnish Kalevala may have been Tolkien's direct inspiration for the Ring of Power and-- Tom: Mike, nobody cares. Crow, there's one word for anyone who likes Harry Potter more than Lord of the Rings and that's TOTAL FEM! Crow: Yeah? Well, that's pretty *ironic,* considering that Frodo and Sam were obviously schtupping like there's no tomor-- Tom: *That's* it! [Lunges for Crow, who lunges right back] Mike: [forcibly separating the 'bots and taking the seat between them, shoving them into their chairs] ENOUGH, all right? Let's just hunker down, stop taking our *understandable* misery out on each other and get through this steaming cowflop of a story in *one damned piece*! Tom: [brightly] Duhhh...okay! Crow: I don't care *what* he says, Sam and Frodo were-- Mike: [still pissed] Doing it! Yes! I *know* that and frankly *I* wouldn't kick Elijah Wood out of bed for eating crackers either, but let's just try and GET THROUGH THIS STORY! [Long pause, the 'bots turning to stare at Mike.] Mike: [laughing nervously] Er...I mean...it...you know what I meant. [Pause.] You *did* know what I *meant.* Right? Tom: Uh...sure, Mike. Whatever you say. Mike: I haven't had a date for a *long* time, guys. A *really* long time. Crow: We know, Mike. We know. > Skye tried to cover a smile by putting his finger over his > lips. Tom: [Dr Evil] Very clever, Mister Powers. But I am the cleverer. > Ouch! Crow: Someone needs chapstick. > His palm was burned where the capacitor had arched. Crow: [Skye] Sexy little minx...heh.... Mike: So, a severe electrical burn on his *palm* which he didn't feel until he put a *finger* to his *lips*? [Sighs.] All right, fine. *Fine.* Just run with it. > > Skye glanced at the capacitor tower that was now working at the > standard voltage. Crow: Though it could strike for better wages at any time. > "I guess this is your way of telling me that I > should be more careful, huh?" Crow: [whispers] Pssst, Tom--we should try that next time Mike does our maintenance. Tom: [whispers] And make DOUBLE sure he doesn't make any of our capacitors "arch"! > > The capacitor sparked again. Tom: [capacitor] Someone buy this kid a clue. > > Skye smirked. "Right." Mike: [Skye] Like being careful around dangerous, sensitive equipment is EVER a good idea. Oh, please. > > Skye powered down the equipment and locked all the safeties. > Darian applied burn lotion and bandaged his right hand. Tom: And Scott was assigned to fix the Heisenburg compensators. Mike: Wait, who's Darian? Crow: Remember how this guy has two different names that were always switched back and forth? Mike: I thought that was Tiyakitna. Crow: No, this is the *other* guy with two different names that switch back and forth. [Pause.] Isn't he? Tom: Maybe he's one of Skye's potentially dozens of self-destructive alters? Crow: Actually, I'm picturing Darian as a wise and warm-hearted Jeevesian manservant, always saving his cretinous master from any manner of silly scrapes. Tom: Or perhaps this "Darian" is meant to be a *symbolic* entity, like the spirit of Christmastime and the love of our fellow man and-- Mike: And maybe our author gave his hero no less than *two* suspiciously fruity names and then promptly forgot all about it until now, whaddaya think? Tom: Wait, I've got it--Darian is the Sampo! Mike: Tom, you know, I already *had* a sick headache. > It didn't > look or feel too bad. It was just a little red. Skye figured it'd be > healed by noon. Crow: Magic healing powers. I got that one! [marks card] Tom: [darkly] Little did he know that deadly bacteria were already spreading through his bloodstream.... Mike: If he gets a mechanical arm from this, I swear I'll scream. > > The wind tousled Skye's hair as he walked down the driveway. Crow: And I'm sure the wind felt honored to touch him. Tom: [Skye] I am a young GOD. Look out, puny mortals! Mike: Whoa! I know we make fun of too many details, but you're allowed to use a couple to make a scene change. Don't be shy. > Even though it was only early in the morning, Skye could tell it was Crow: --About to go through the rotation and get dark again. Tom: Pessimist. > going to stay dark. Tom: A Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover? NOOOOO!!!! Well, maybe. > Perhaps knowing that Skye was planning to > forsake the Earth caused the solar disk to turn its back on him too. Crow: The weather could be cloudy with 30 percent chance of rain. Naah. It's all about you, you, you. Mike: Methinks he's taking our "God-boy" riffs a little TOO seriously. Tom: He can't hear us! Can he? MW: [Offscreen] Of course I can hear you! I'm right outside, jerks! > > "Get over it," was Skye's last thought before heading for > school. Mike: [Skye] Don't be jealous just because the world revolves around me and not you. Okay, the scientists claim it revolves around you, but they're all clueless and narrow-minded. > > FAREWELL Tom: Hey! Do you suppose this story will end when Skye leaves? Mike: We can only hope. > Earth - Kentwood, Michigan Tom: Ah, Michigan. Like Canada, only slightly less colorful. Crow: Michigan! The weirdo split state! Mike: Maybe that explains Skye's split personality. > Regent High School Tom: They learn how to run a hotel. > (Home of the Timberwolves) All: Huh? Crow: We just had a universe change. And in this universe, the animals live inside their schools. Tom: It makes sense. They already sleep in the classrooms. > October 2, 1998 AD - Fri. 7:37 AM > > It was stormy and rainy. Tom: And *dark!* Hey, did you notice how they already *established* it was dark, so now it's a *dark and stormy day*! [Laughs slightly hysterically.] Get it, see? It's this *brilliant* little riff on that old cliche about the dark and stormy night and it...they...oh, God, Mike, make it stop! > > "What a morning." Mike: [Skye] The sun isn't shining, and the weather is redundant. It must be my fault. > > Skye caught the 7:15 bus to Kentwood. Crow: Oh, it's not a different universe. Animals just took over his school. > It was a rather > uneventful ride, but it saved him from walking through the downpour. Tom: But did he get wet while running between the bus and the school door? How many raindrops hit him? Enquiring minds want to know! > > Skye was a senior at Regent High. Mike: [Skye, old] When I was your age, we didn't have them fancy calculators to calculate our Social Security.... > He'd skipped two grades, but Crow: --The truant officers weren't impressed. > Regent didn't offer early graduations. Tom: Pssst, Skye...three letters: G-E-D. > Because of this, Skye had > been a senior for two years. Crow: Talk about hitting a senior slump. Mike: [Skye] I'm really glad I decided to skip ahead. It made such a difference. Tom: Wait a minute! He's fourteen years old, or freshman age. He's been a senior for two years, so he'll be a senior five times by the time he's eighteen. But he only skipped two grades! I'd say genius-boy's math is a little off here. > This news made it into the local > newspaper after Skye scored perfect on his SATs and his ACTs. Mike: "Local Boy Questioned for Possible Cheating." > Despite his scholastic standing, Skye didn't fit in either grade. Tom: It got *really* bad when young Bruce Banner and Peter Parker started giving him wedgies. > The senior class didn't accept him because he was too young and the > sophomores didn't accept him because he took senior classes. Crow: Then why not become a junior? > > The teachers that knew Skye well favored the self-assured teen All: Why? > (only a select few were aware that Skye taught at the local > university). New teachers, however, called him arrogant. Tom: He IS arrogant! His personality is like a black hole with a creamy smug middle! [Tom smokes like Artoo again.] Crow: Sir, if any of my unnecessary gears are required to beat that whiner to a pulp.... > It didn't > help that Skye understood volumes more about their subject > specialties then they did. Crow: Man, I am so glad he is not arrogant. Tom: Sounds like Skye's abusive step-father raised him all wrong. See, kids, it never pays to get straight A's. Mike: Tom, that's not the kind of message we're trying to convey here! Crow: Tell that to the author! > > Having Skye in your class was like being handed an instant > inferiority complex. Crow: As in, you were assigned to teach this inferiority complex by the principal and some administrators. Tom: On the plus side, it's been a while since a story was so free with straight lines. Mike: So should I point out that this endless string of paragraphs could have been summed up in the simple if highly unlikely sentence, "Skye was smarter than his teachers," or should I just sit here quietly and weep into the seat cushions? Tom: You're already rusting our metal, Nelson. Choose wisely. > For this reason, Skye hardly ever said a word > in class Crow: Instead, he communicated his answers through interpretive dance! > (not that the teachers ever called on him). Mike: Sounds like another sex discrimination issue to me. Crow: But Skye's a male. [pause] I think. Tom: [Skye] Teacher! I demand you let me prove why I'm better than all of you losers! > Skye just sat > back in his seat, drawing, Mike: And since it was art class, he wasn't even goofing off. > as the instructor explained the > Differential Calculus he'd been doing in his head since he was five. Crow: Wow, the instructor's been doing calculus in his head since he was five, but he's still intimidated by Skye? He *does* have an inferiority complex. Mike: I call foul. Does Skye really expect us to believe that they teach differential calculus to high school seniors? Crow: Mike, are you familiar with AP credits? Tom: Crow, remember that we're dealing with a Wisconsin grad. > > It being his last day and all, Skye had decided to try > something he'd never done before: purposely be tardy to every class. Crow: Usually, the classes he was purposely tardy for were chosen using a complex algorithm surrounding a randomly generated number. Mike: Oh, to be such a rebel. What next, sneaking into French class before the teacher and putting all the chairs at a *slight angle*? Tom: He's a *rebel,* Mike, not some sick sociopath. Don't even joke like that. > As he dawdled toward Honors English, Skye was greeted from behind > with three pretty-good-imitation wolf howls. Tom: Dear God! Now the author claims this nerd is considered sexy?!? Crow: Kill me now, Mike! In the name of all that is good and decent! > Skye turned around to > face Eric, Ryan, and David. Mike: Relax. He's only considered sexy by men. Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! > The trio were Skye's friends and the > closest to being Skye's equals in Kentwood. Crow: Of course, they were already working on their doctorates, but they figured that they could be friends with someone slower. > Skye smiled at what he > considered his older brothers and slapped them all high-fives. Like > older brothers, they never missed a chance to tease their younger > sibling. Tom: [Eric] Well, I did have a dental appointment, but I postponed it to call you ugly. > > "Hey Skye," Eric said. "Didn't you hear the bell? You're late." Mike: [Skye] I'm deaf and you know it, you insensitive swine! > > "Just taking my time," Skye replied. Crow: [Skye] And throwing it away for no reason. > > "That's more like it," David said. Tom: [David] Taking your time is what makes America so much more competitive than Japan! > "It's about time you started > acting like a senior. Mike: [David, old] Now, if you'll just start supporting Medicare expansion. > I mean, you've only been one for two years." Crow: [David] I had to be one for five years 'till I caught on. > > Skye couldn't resist. "It's better than being a freshman > twice." > > "Heyyy!" Crow: [The Fonz] And how would you like a knuckle sandwich, Mister Skye? > David always became irritated when Skye brought up his > little secret. Tom: And *this* guy is the closest to being Skye's equal? Mike: Doesn't say much for the rest of the school, does it? > > Just then, the school's PA system blared/screeched to life. Mike: [Principal] Attention: The CIA has just uncovered that David repeated his freshman year. That is all. > > Tom: Dialogue rejected from Finnegan's Wake! > "Hello! Is this thing > on!? Mrs. Sommers, go out and check. Mike: [Principal] If you cannot hear this message, please send someone to the front office. Hee, hee. I love saying that. > It is? Good. This is principal > Penkey. Tom: Secondary Penkey is out, so you'll be indexing through me! Mike: I think database jokes may be out of reach for the audience. > All students are to go to the auditorium for an exciting > presentation on hypnotism. That is all." Mike: [monotone] Now you will give me access to the environmental systems. Tom: [Penkey, monotone] I will give you access to the environmental systems. > > "So much for being tardy, I guess," Skye commented dryly. Crow: [Skye] But later on, I'll...I'll sharpen all my pencils when everyone else is trying to take a test! Bweee! > > "CONVOCATION! ALL RIGHT!" Ryan exclaimed. "NO FRENCH CLASS!" Tom: [Ryan] Screw you losers--I'm going to bawk like a chicken in front of the whole student body! > > "A presentation on hypnotism, eh?" David mused. "Sounds like it > might be good for a laugh." Tom: [Davey, monotone] I am saying that of my own opinion. Mike: Sheesh, even when they're rebelling, they're nerds. > > The students and alumnus of Regent High filed into the cramped > auditorium. Tom: One alumnus? What's he doing there? Mike: It might mean Skye. Tom: No, to be an alumnus you have to graduate, and it just said that Skye hadn't graduated yet. So who is this man of mystery? Crow: Since he's THE alumnus, he must be the only man ever to graduate from Regent High. > The decibels climbed Tom: [sings] We're having a sound wave, a deafening sound wave / The decibel's rising, it isn't surprising.... > despite the persistent shushing of > principal Penkey. Mike: Because a guy with a name like "Penkey" automatically gets no respect. > Skye was pleasantly surprised. Tom: [Skye] I never saw a decibel climb before. > The speaker wasn't > that bad. Mike: He can tell that before the speaker opens his mouth? Crow: He just looks like a guy that'll wander off-topic. > > To Skye, the man appeared to be, oh, thirty or forty years old, > a bit eccentric and perhaps a little unkempt, but otherwise > normal-looking. Crow: He was strange, but normal otherwise. > He wore a faded black suit and a crooked bow-tie Mike: He sounds like a side-show magician. > that he seemed to absent-mindedly adjust every two minutes. He had a > brown beard that he liked to stroke thoughtfully, Tom: While adjusting his bow tie. Now *that's* talent. Mike: Hey, it's Leonard Maltin! > but Skye guessed > that he was just trying to look distinguished and, well, > -scientific. Crow: He must be scientific. He has no fashion sense. > > Principal Penkey introduced the guest with an exaggerated aire > that only served to make everyone bored. Mike: No argument there. [yawns] > > "Students and faculty of Regent High. Tom: And the alumnus! Don't forget the alumnus! > Permit me to introduce > our honored guest and prominent member of the scientific community, > Dr. Emmett Pulaski. Mike: Who traveled millions of miles for this. > His daughter, Rachel Pulaski, Crow: Vowed to last more than one season. > attends our proud > facility here at Regent High. Crow: [giggles] Why, that rogue...30 years old with a daughter in high school. He must have started early! Mike: Maybe he shoved some of his age onto Burt Cranston. Tom: Romantic interest sense...tingling... > Rachel dear, will you please stand up > here and tell us a little about your father?" Tom: [Rachel] He sucks. Mike: Tom! Crow: What do you expect from a teenager? Accolades of praise? > > Somewhere in the front row, a girl sank into her seat as far as > she could. Mike: [Rachel] Daddy! I told you never to show yourself in public! Crow: [Rachel] Which part of "not within 200 feet" didn't you understand, Dad?! > Skye inwardly cringed. Tom: He couldn't *stand* to see girls sinking in their seats! > To be put on the spot like that! > He wouldn't say it to his face, but Mr. Penkey was such a moron. Crow: There were much better ways to put someone on the spot. > > The quiet urging of the girl's friends allowed the figure to > stand up, walk on stage, and dutifully take her place beside her > father. Crow: [Rachel] My name's Rachel, and I'm an idiot author avatar's doomed love interest. All: Hi, Rachel! > Rachel took the microphone from Mr. Penkey. Mike: She got his watch and wallet too, and he never felt a thing. Crow: [Rachel] All right! I'm gonna burn this karaoke machine UP! > > "This is my Dad. Tom: [Rachel] ...and this is my Dad on drugs, unfortunately. Try not to startle him. > He just got a job at Mannheim University. He's > the new professor of Neuroscience there, right Dad?" Tom: [Emmett] No, honey, I keep telling you--I'm the head dishwasher. It's not the same thing. > > "That's right, honey. I specialize in hypnosis and regression > therapy for people who have psychological problems." Crow: He couldn't have arrived at Regent High at a better time. Mike: [slowly] He's a *neuroscientist* who specializes in *hypnosis therapy.* Tom: [brightly] Right in one! Mike: So Mannheim University is actually a cleverly disguised *insane asylum*? Tom: Disguised? > > Dr. Pulaski went into an explanation of his specialty. Crow: Oh, so *that's* how he puts them to sleep. Tom: Beats waving a green scorpion at them. > > "Close your eyes and try to remember what happened to you > yesterday. Mike: I watched a bad movie. > -Last year. Mike: I watched a *lot* of bad movies. > -When you were five. Mike: I watched bad movies on TV. > -When you were born." Mike: My dad was there with a camera making bad movies. > > Dr. Pulaski stopped the 'game' (good thing too, everyone was > getting bored). Crow: Took the words right out of my mouth. Tom: That's why this fanfic is so great. The feeling of boredom is so apparent! Mike: I have to question the judgment of concentrating on people's boredom to make the fanfic exciting. Crow: It's an artsy surrealism thing. A boring event within a boring scene. > > "Open your eyes. Having trouble with the last one? Tom: Oh, were we supposed to actually be trying to remember? Gee, no wonder we were bored.... > That's all > right, few people can remember that far back. Mike: [Emmett] Yes, you were all born before the dawn of living memory... Crow: [Emmett] Hell, I forgot why I'm even here! Who are you all, and why are you all monkeys? > But I tell you that as > sure as I'm standing here, those memories are there. Tom: [Emmett] Let's watch Johnny Mnemonic for an example. Crow: [Emmett] They've simply been repressed because your parents raped you. Fortunately, I can give you referrals for good lawyers, for a modest fee, of course. > Everything you > see, hear, smell, taste, or feel in your whole life is stored up > here." Emmett poked his temple. Mike: So he stores everyone's memories in his own head? That must be why I can never remember where I put stuff. > > "I'd like to give a sample demonstration of what hypnosis can > do. Crow: [Pulaski] C'mon, kids, first one's free! [evil laugh] > But first, I need five volunteers. Mike: [Pulaski] That should be enough to wash my cars. > My daughter will assist me. Tom: [Pulaski] I sewed her spangled tights myself, you know. By hand! > Mr. Penkey, will you be the first?" > > Mr. Penkey looked concerned. "Oh, I don't know. Mike: [Penkey] I'm already late for my Wishy-Washy Anonymous meeting. > I'm not sure > that's such a good idea." Crow: [Penkey] Last time I tried this, I ended up thinking I was a Sailor Scout and tried to transform... > > To the principal's surprise, he was cheered on stage. Mike: [Penkey] Students want to see the principal in a possibly humiliating situation? Who would've thunk? > > "Please take a seat Mr. Penkey," Dr. Pulaski instructed. Crow: [Penkey] Where should I take it? Ba da bing. Tom: [Pulaski] Ha, ha. [under his breath] First chance I get, I'm turning him into a chicken. > > Rachel helped the principal to a folding chair she pulled from > behind stage. "Make yourself comfortable, Mr. Penkey" Tom: [Rachel] Try to relax on your last few moments on the planet. > > Emmett rubbed his hands together. "Now who will be my other > four brave souls, hmm?" Mike: That's just what Dr. Forrester said before I took a temp job with him.... > > The last thing Skye remembered was the hands of his two friends > clamping on his wrists and thrusting both his arms up in the air. Crow: [David] Take this skinny white virgin as our sacrifice, oh dark master Emmett! > Davey, Ryan, and Eric did the same. > > "Yes!" Emmett exclaimed, "You four! Tom: [Pulaski] You with the really good-looking brains...uh, jackets! > Yes, you four guys -in the > back. Please come up here." Mike: The Beatles' big break! > > The next thing Skye knew, he was sitting in an uncomfortable > folding chair Crow: [Skye] I wish Pulaski would take my transporter fears seriously. > in front of 386 students, 19 teachers, three > secretaries, Mike: ...A meticulously groomed Pomeranian named "Roy"... > and one assistant principal. Tom: And the alumnus! He's my favorite character, and the author's completely wasting him. Mike: Hey, wait! Windy has two names. Nya had two names.... Crow: Three if you count "Road Pancake." Mike: And Skye has two names. So maybe the alumnus has two names too! Crow: Great. It's the mirror universe of Gotham. > > "Just relax," Rachel calmed him. "Nothing bad will happen. My > father is an expert at hypnosis." Mike: [Skye] That's what I'm afraid of, moron! Crow: Is this the story where the guy wakes up missing one of his kidneys? > > Dr. Pulaski retrieved a gold pocket watch from his breast > pocket and waved it in front of Skye's face. Crow: [Pulaski] Ha ha! I have a pocket watch and you don't! Tom: [Pulaski] Do me a favor? I can't tell time... > After an 'oh-puhleeze- > like-that's-gonna-work' look, Skye's eyes followed the gentle > pendulum-like movement. Mike: [Skye] Duhhh...pretty shiny.... > The stage lights glistened on the gold > watch. He couldn't take his eyes off it as it swung to and fro, to > and fro, to and fro... Tom: [Skye] Mmmmmm...outdated 1970's hair styles... > Skye had to admit it, this whole business was > somewhat soothing. Crow: [Skye] This is nuts! I'm too smart to be hypnotized! Tom: Actually, the smarter you are, the easier it's supposed to be to hypnotize you. Crow: [Skye] Really? Uh, um, yeah, I'm starting to feel drowsy.... > When the spark in Skye's eyes dimmed, Tom: Should have used Energizer, not Supervolt. > Dr. Pulaski > began speaking in a dulcet monotone. Crow: [Pulaski] You will not sue...you will not sue... Mike: Dulcet Monotone. Sounds like the name of the female lead in one of Forrester's little gems. > > "Darian Wolfe, you are now in a state of altered awareness. Crow: [Penkey] Hey, this is a drug-free zone, pal! Tom: Hey, how'd he know his name? Crow: Remember, he has the memories of everyone in the room. Mike: [Dr. Pulaski] I can also read your mind, Darian. I know everything about you now. Would you like me to tell the class what really happened during that fire drill last month? > My > voice is your center. Tom: [Skye] Hang on, the voices in my head disagree. > Do you understand?" Crow: [Pulaski] Okay, one "duh" for yes and two "duhs" for no... > > Skye heard him, but the words didn't seem familiar. Mike: [Skye] Despite my grasp of "dulcet," "awareness" is a new word. > It was like > he was speaking a foreign language. The sounds just weren't clicking > in his brain. Tom: [singing] Your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear... Crow: It's like trying to listen to a Dr. Thinker fic on audio tapes! > Even so, his mouth moved to answer the question. Tom: His arm seconded the motion, but his right toe moved to table. > > "Yes." Mike: Bad move. Never answer a question you don't understand. The courts will have a field day. > > "You have within you an animal side. A side that acts without > reasoning. A side concerned only with survival." Crow: [Pulaski] A side that can be trained to do simple tricks and beg for food! > > Skye's jaw twitched. Tom: [Skye] If he starts acting like Chakotay, I'll slug him. > > "I want you to become that animal, Skye. Mike: [Dr. Pulaski] Well, actually, it's my *daughter* who wants you to become an animal...oops. Forget you heard that. > Become that animal." Crow: I'm betting Skye's "spirit animal" is a guppy. > > >FLASH!< All: [make gasping noises] Water, need water! > > "Excuse me while I kiss the sky..." Mike: I refuse to believe his spirit animal is Jimi Hendrix. > > In his mind, Skye was surrounded in darkness. No light. Tom: That would qualify as darkness. > No > sound. It was just him -and the void. Crow: So...Skye's mind is a void? > Skye tried to breath, but > found that he couldn't. Tom: Wow. His spirit animal IS a guppy. Crow: Told you. > Skye panicked. He couldn't stay here. Mike: [Skye] Why did I drink all that coffee before? Man! > He had > to leave. He had to leave now. Tom: Even the void finds him dull and obnoxious. > A brilliant point of light exploded > from somewhere inside him. Crow: The Big Bang of Skye! Mike: CROW!! Crow: What? Oh...oh! Heh, that wasn't what I meant. > The light expanded and filled him. All: [He-Man] I have the dullness! > The > Gate burst open Tom: Everyone's rushing in to see Skye in pain. > with a force that somehow knocked Skye away from > himself. Mike: [Author] Please don't ask me to explain that. It's been a long night. > He saw his body standing in front of the Gate. Crow: So, we've got an out-of-body experience and a newly soulless body flooded in light from a glowing Gate that appeared out of a dark void. Dare I hope? > The vortex was becoming increasingly brighter. As it did, the > darkness steadily retreated until the light was all that there was. Tom: Mike, can you have light without illumination? Mike: How existential. > His body was no longer there. Crow: [Skye] Um, I seemed to have died, guys, is that okay? > Skye's essence walked up to the Gate > and Bots: Head toward the.... Mike: Guys, that's too obvious. Crow: But it's fun! > looked into it. The surface of the portal became like a pool of > water - Crow: [Skye] AIEE! I'm drowning! Oh, wait, I'm a spirit guppy. I'm safe. > a mirror. But instead of his face, he saw a dirt path in a > forest. Mike: Someone needs to wash his face more. > A creature of wild grace and the speed born of a predator Tom: It's a pack of lawyers! RUN!! > ran towards the Gate. At the last instant, Skye realized it was > running toward him. Tom: [predator] Food! Must become invisible! Mike: Now we know where the darkness went. > The wolf leapt out of the portal, knocking him > into oblivion. Crow: Man, I bet this never happens to that "Sliders" guy. Mike: I dunno, I saw something like this on the outtakes reel to "StarGate". > > >FLASH!< Tom: [British] It's Bicycle Repairman! > > Skye's eyes snapped wide. > > "AAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Crow: [Skye] I'm blind for life, you moronic tourist! Tom: [Penkey] You see that sign warning against flash photography during shows? Do you think it's just a joke? Do you?!? Mike: [tourist] I didn't know! I swear! > > Skye jumped up, knocking the folding chair end over end behind > him. Tom: Even hypnotized, he's a weenie. > > Dr. Pulaski grabbed Skye's shoulders, holding him back. > "Omigosh! That's never happened before. Mike: [Pulaski] Usually, when they get to the light, they never rise again. > Mr. Wolfe, are you all > right?" Tom: From now on, Skye insists on being called Nero. > > Skye stared out into the audience. "Yeah." Mike: [Skye] I almost died, and everyone in the room is laughing at me, but it's a typical day in my life.... > > "What happened to you? Do you remember?" Crow: [Skye] Some crazy quack put me into a trance and I almost died...YOU!!!!! > > Skye was uncertain of what had happened and wasn't even about > to tell what he did remember. "I-I don't know." Tom: [Skye] Mis-mistakes were made. Mike: [Skye] I do not recall that at this time. > > Dr. Pulaski apologized. Mike: [Pulaski] He should have asphyxiated and either died or become a vegetable. I failed to do either, and I'm sorry. > "There's absolutely no explanation for > a person to spontaneously bring themselves out of a hypnotic > trance." Tom: [spectator] Yeah, there is. You're a crock! All: [audience] BOOOOOOO! > > Skye removed the doctor's restraining grip. "I'm fine. I gotta' > go." Crow: Why? You already wet 'em. There's nothing left. > > Skye jumped off the stage and ran out of the auditorium. Mike: He missed the point of that whole "crowd surfing" thing. Tom: Maybe he didn't come out of it. > > An hour later the presentation was over. The clock read 2:35. Mike: Tom? Tom: See the sudden attention to timing? It's a surrealist world. Skye's still hypnotized, and everything you see is a reflection of his fears. Crow: No, that would be an interesting story. > Five minutes were left until the end of school. Mike: Just because he's leaving, he thinks the school's going to come to an end. > Skye was still in > the men's room [All laugh] Crow: So, one of his fears is that he takes longer than 80-year-old men. > splashing cold water on his face Mike: Running water in a public school bathroom? This IS fantasy! > in an effort to > forget what he'd just experienced. It wasn't working. Crow: [narrator] Fortunately, the sudden arrival of Stuart Alan Jones served to completely distract him-- Mike: Crow? Uh-uh. Crow: [smirking] Oh, sorry, Nelson--I *meant* to say Elijah Wood. Mike: You're dead. Crow: It's worth it. > > Skye twisted the tap closed and dried his face with a paper > towel. Tom: See? He washes his hands. He MUST be a good guy! > He unwrapped the bandage from around his now-healed hand Mike: His hand was broken? Crow: Weren't you paying attention? Tom: Please say you weren't. In the name of all that is good and decent! > and > threw it in the trash as well. Crow: Remember to properly dispose of medical waste! Sailor Skye says! > Skye ran his hand through his hair > again. Tom: [Valley girl] Tee hee. > A shock of white hair riffled through his fingers All: Bzzt! Mike: Now THAT'S a case of static electricity. > and fell > over his eye. > > "Rrrugh! Curse you, white streak!" [All burst out laughing.] Tom: Is this a sudden epiphany on the problems of masturbation? Mike: Nah, it's a comment on his ethnicity's impact on his motor coordination skills. Crow: You're both wrong. It's an elegantly skilled brief treatise on the WASP control still ongoing and how it affects Wolfe and other Klingons. > > When he was younger he hadn't minded his unique mark. Crow: Unique physical feature! [marks card] Tom: [sourly] So, when does he brush back his *unique* white- streaked hair to reveal the *unique* lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead? Mike: [as Crow starts to growl] No RAM chips for a *year.* I mean it. Stop. > It was > distinctive Tom: Think he could have mentioned this a little SOONER? Crow: The character who takes the bold step of describing himself sporadically! > (one might also say a bit cool-looking), Crow: If one were held at gunpoint. > but in high > school where everyone was obsessed with the way they looked - Tom: Even an albino mohawk couldn't save this poor outcast. > it was > definitely Skye's curse. Mike: Yes, in a high school full of kids with purple hair, green hair, shaved heads, pierced noses and faux-tribal tattoos, a guy with a lousy skunk streak could never possibly fit in! Crow: Here's an idea... why don't you try Just For Men? > It was just another obstacle preventing him > from fitting in. Mike: Unlike in elementary and junior high, where individuality is SO highly considered and there are NO pressures of conformity.... Crow: Mike. You're doing it again. Mike: Oh, sorry. > > "Aww, screw it," Skye told his reflection bitterly. Tom: [Skye] I'm just going to go on a rampant killing spree and save everyone some time. > "You'll > just have to learn to live with disappointment." Crow: [Skye] Face it, you'll always be just a pale shadow of me! > > As Skye left the bathroom, he saw some trouble going on by the > lockers. Mike: [Penkey] I just KNOW there's a cell phone in one of these. Open 'em up. > He soon saw what the problem was. Rachel was being accosted > by Regent High's two resident jerks, Mike: You mean they live there? Is this a boarding school? > Brandon Braun and Trevor, um, > whatsizface Tom: Remember when supervillain names were actually respectable? > -oh, Carson. Mike: Note to all authors everywhere: If even *you* don't care, DON'T EVEN BOTHER. Crow: Oh, nonsense, Mike--I *love* these brilliantly timed and hilariously apropos authorial asides. Mike: You do? Crow: Well, I also love Tommy Boy. You've gotta consider the source. > They were teasing her about her father. Mike: Something about his failure to turn Darian into a chicken. > Most of the things they were saying weren't repeatable in a > respectable fan-fiction. Crow: Even if they were true. Tom: Thank God this isn't respectable fan-fiction. > > Skye stepped in. Tom: [Skye] Female in distress? [high pitched singing] Heeeeere I come to save the daaaaaaay! > "Well if it isn't 'Rice for Brains' Carson and > 'Braun-y the Purple Dinosaur'." Mike: "Their blenders don't go past 'mix'!" Tom: "They've got sailboat fuel for brains!" Crow: "Their wheels are turning, but the hamsters are dead!" > > "HEY, Wolfman," Trevor shot back. "Eat anybody lately?" Crow: [Trevor] If not, bite me. It's fun. > > Trevor was the smartest of the two which meant that Tom: --He had to fill out the tax receipts after beating up kids for lunch money. > compared to > a head of lettuce the two of them together were still hopelessly > outmatched. Tom: That's an improvement, but you can still do better. How about "Neanderthal minds in Cro-Magnon bodies"? Crow: "They couldn't spell 'cat' if you gave them the C and the A"? Mike: "Their little red choo-choos have jumped the track"? > (As if this wasn't already apparent from that lame > 'Wolfman' insult.) Crow: By contrast, "Braun-y the Purple Dinosaur" was a witty, highly intellectual use of incredible irony that George Bernard Shaw only dreamed of. > Brandon however, was slightly taller than Skye > and at least twice his weight. Crow: [Skye] But it's all sweet, sweet *muscle.* Mike: You two are never gonna stop this, are you? Tom: Ahhhh...nope. Mike: No RAM chips for *two* years. Crow: Worth it. Mike: Your underpants collection and autographed Kim Cattrall poster tossed out the load pan chute. Tom & Crow: Worth it. Mike: Death, torture, dismemberment and *pain.* Crow: *All* worth it. Mike: You hate me, don't you? Tom: Relax, Nelson--you should have seen what we did after we found Joel's "Precious Moments" collection. > > "Not yet," Darian replied, playing along. Crow: On ukelele. > "But if your attitude > is any indication I'm about to have a quick bite." Mike: Sounds more like a vampire than a wolfman. Tom: Hey, do you think I can mark "witty" for this one? Crow: That remark's not much evidence... Mike: I think it's intended to show wittiness. Go ahead, Tom. [Tom marks his card] > > Darian was a self-taught martial artist. Translation: Crow: All he knew how to do was pose and make cool attack noises. > he wasn't > an expert or master, Tom: No, you see, an engineer thinks he's an expert on anything. > but he could still get his licks against those > who used fists. Mike: Yep, he licked their fists when they punched him in the mouth. Crow: He'll get his butt kicked anyway. Rules of melodrama state that the hero must lose his first battle, thus increasing the dramatic effect of the final encounter. Tom: Yeah, but all rules change in the self-insertion universe. > Skye stepped in and kicked @ss. Crow: 0h, he d!d? @m@z!n&. Mike: How...? Never mind. > > Trevor took a swing at him. Skye ducked under it and drove his > fist into Trevor's stomach. Crow: [Skye] That's just for being named "Trevor". The REAL beating follows... Mike: Say, whatever happened to his philosophy in Part Five that "violence was only morally acceptable when his or someone else's life was threatened"? Tom: He meant his social life. [Upchuck] Rwowr! > Brandon tried punching him in the side, > but Crow: Skye's 10-pound skinny body came in handy. He doesn't have a side. > instead Skye grabbed his wrist and pulled his attacker's arm > behind his back. Tom: So Brandon's arm is behind Skye's back? Mike: [Skye] Now that we're alone, don't you think I have pretty eyes? Bots: ARGH!!! Sick, sick, sick! Mike: Still think it's worth it, Don Rickleses? > > "Owwww!!!" Brandon yelped. Mike: [Skye] Well, well! Someone doesn't grasp the significance of me being the self-inserted HERO of the story, do they? > > Trevor got behind Skye Tom: [Skye] What's the first rule of fighting two people, again? > and put him in a neck hold Tom: [Skye] Oh, yeah. Keep track of both, so that one can't...ACK! > causing him > to let go of Brandon. Mike: [Skye] There's no such thing as a Vulcan neck pinch, you idiot! > > "Get him!" Trevor yelled. Crow: See, that's what makes him such a brilliant leader. > > Brandon pulled back to punch Skye in the face, Tom: I can hear a "rusty spring" sound effect. > but while the > brawny Brandon's balance shifted to his leading foot, Skye kicked it > out from under him. Crow: [Skye] *yawn* Fear my perfection. > As Brandon tumbled to the ground, Skye threw > himself back into the lockers -crushing Trevor. Tom: [imitates referee's whistle] Penalty! No body-checking! Mike: Nice to know vaudeville is still alive--no, wait, I think Skye just crushed it to death. Crow: Oh, well, easy come easy go. > > Thwack! SLAM! Mike: And now Joker's evil henchmen join the fray! Tom: Holy Fight Sequence, Batman! > > As Trevor lay sprawled out on the ground, Tom: Aha! "Able to beat up much larger people." Where's my bingo card? > Skye put his foot on > Trevor's stomach and held the gangsta' wannabe down Mike: [sighing wearily] Yes, of *course* he did. Can we please skip to the bit where he's an internationally acclaimed chef and the last one out of Saigon and STOP READING THIS DAMNED STORY?! Tom: Oh, come on, Mike--aren't you *dying* to get the part where it turns out he's also a fully qualified neurosurgeon? Crow: And the part where every female of every species on every planet in the known universe hails him as sex on wheels? Tom: *And* the part where his blood turns out to contain an ultra- rare genetic component that cures most known diseases and...er, Mike? Mike? [Mike is weeping into his hands.] > while he > delivered an important lesson of the Wolfe philosophy (a condensed > version). Tom: [Skye] Never screw with an engineer! Crow: How come we can't read the condensed version of this fanfic? Mike: And while Skye was distracted with Trevor, Brandon clocked him one, right? Please tell me that's what happened. > > "My patience, not unlike your brain-power, is severely limited. Tom: [Skye] You're so dumb, mind readers charge you half price! Crow: [Skye] You're so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you! Mike: [Skye] You're so dumb, your dog teaches you tricks! > I recommend that you behave more like gentlemen. Tom: So, this is the Wolfe philosophy--"Follow Miss Manners or I'll kick your butt"? > Otherwise..." Skye > applied more pressure, Crow: [Trevor] Wow, that feels good. Now a little higher, please. > "...next time I'll aim for a more, shall we > say, sensitive area?" Crow: He kicks people in the private parts. He MUST be a good guy! Tom: See, this is why carbon-based life forms suck. Their fantasies are based on beating opponents through easy means against easy opponents.... Mike: Four words. Holodeck doctor. Photonic cannon. Tom: I'll shut up, now. > > Just then, Mrs. Voglestash appeared at her door across the > hall. Tom: Looks like you're not the ONLY one with a gate, show-off! Mike: Anybody else think "Voglestash" sounds like a character from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_? > Mrs. Voglestash was a mean, old crab. She'd been teaching > since the school opened fifty years ago. Crow: Equal opportunity for crustaceans. How nice. > Skye supposed that a relic > of an educator like Mrs. Voglestash could easily teach ancient > history without ever opening a book. Tom: See? Fifty years ago is ancient history. That PROVES he's an engineer. Mike: Wait, wait, I know! She's really the head of an ancient ninja order, right? > > "Darian Montgomery Wolfe!" Tom: [Mrs. V] Did you write "The South Shall Rise Again" on my Civil War poster? Crow: [Skye] That's "The War of Naked Northern Aggression," you carpetbagger! > > She said it with a voice that sounded like a cat being > blow-dried in a bathtub. Crow: What *does* a cat sound like when it's blow-dried in a bathtub? Tom: Kind of like a chicken playing xylophone on a skateboard. Mike: Only it has less of a coyote playing checkers quality, being slightly more in tone as a walrus being cavity-searched on a surfboard. Crow: Oh, okay. Thanks. > "What in heaven's name do you think you're > doing?" Crow: [Skye] Just being my usual godlike studly self, ma'am. Mike: [Mrs. V] You write yourself out of this story this minute, young man, or I *WILL* send a note home with you! > > Skye pulled Trevor to his feet. "Just picking up some trash, > Mrs. Voglestash." Mike: Just skipping out the back, Jack! Crow: Just making a new plan, Stan! Tom: [singing] You don't need to be coy, Roooooyyy... > > "That's not what it looked like Mr. Wolfe. But in light of your > 'custodial services' I'm awarding you with two hours of detention." Mike: Boy, the janitors at this place must *never* get to go home! > > Skye reluctantly followed the witch into the classroom. Tom: [Skye] She gave me an incredibly light sentence despite the fact that I was caught fighting AND I mouthed off to her.... Mike: I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Marrissa Picard. At least she had one or two redeeming virtues. > Trevor > started to laugh, but one flash of Skye's wild blue-green eyes shut > him up in a hurry. TOM: [narrator] And that trick where he pulled his eyelid over his face like a hood made Trevor nearly lose his lunch. > > His last day on Earth ruined, Skye was really ticked off. Two > hours later, he walked out of Mrs. Voglestash's room to be greeted > by Rachel. Tom: Skye punched her in the face to let out his anger. > Rachel had waited for Skye to get out of detention to > thank him. Crow: Unfortunately, Rachel did not look like a supermodel. This caused him to bemoan the unfairness of how superbabes weren't naturally drawn to him. > They stood around for the longest time -just talking. And > Skye didn't even mind. It turned out they had quite a lot in common. Tom: Like, they both thought Rachel's dad had a pretty lame job. > > "Going to a new school these last few weeks has been really > hard. And now that everyone thinks my dad is crazy, I don't think > I'll ever fit in." Mike: [Rachel] I'm just a square hole with a round peg. [Crow begins laughing.] Mike: What's so funny, Crow? Crow: I can't tell or else you'll hit me. [Mike and Servo exchange shrugs.] > > "I know how you feel," Skye sympathized, "but you'll do fine. Tom: Thus says the man that wishes to end his days in this universe. > It'll be hard at first, but someone like you will be fighting off > the jocks on the football team in no-time." Crow: [Skye] After all, that's what happened to me! > > Rachel giggled. She felt a lot better. Mike: [Rachel] Tee-hee, I'll be wrestling with date rapists and it'll be *fun*! > > "I think I'd almost rather be fighting off a certain wild, > forest-dwelling animal." Crow: So she wants a cage death match with Bambi? > > Skye suddenly felt the school get really hot. Thankfully, > Rachel changed the subject herself. Mike: [Rachel] So, when do you think they are going to fix the air conditioning? > > "Why do you have that white streak in your hair? Do you bleach > it or something?" Crow: ["in" girl] It's, like, totaly un-cool, and junk. > > "I don't know how I got it, but I've had it for as long as I > can remember." Mike: [Skye] My nickname was three seconds from becoming "Skunk." Crow: [Rachel] So, how did it become "Wolfman"? Tom: I think we're seeing how it became "Wolfman" in this scene. > > "I've heard of a genetic trait called Parks-Hauser-Degrassi's. Crow: [Rachel] It turns you into a member of a law firm. > My dad's second cousin had it. He said it turned his hair gray by > the time he turned sixteen. Tom: [Rachel] At 22, they had to put him in a bubble....Er, uh, how about those Dodgers, huh? > Maybe you have the same thing. Does your > father have the same streak?" Mike: [Skye] No, he stopped being annoying after fourteen years of age...Oh, you mean the hair. > > Skye looked away. Catching himself, his gaze returned to her > face. In a hushed voice he replied: "I don't know." Crow: [Skye] Mom was kind of a slut, see.... Tom: [Rachel] Let's see if I can make this more awkward. Do you have any crazy half-baked scientific theories I can laugh at? > > Darian turned to walk away. Crow: Wait, what's *he* doing here? Mike: Look, I'm telling you, Darian is *Skye.* [Pause.] Uh, isn't he? Crow: Do you honestly care? Mike: Deeply. Crow: Liar. Mike: Look, I'm just trying to get in good with the author so he'll STOP. MW: [offscreen] I told you! It's NOT me, anymore! > A few steps down the hall, he > turned around. She hadn't moved an inch. Tom: [Rachel] I'm stuck to the floor. > > "Carpe Diem." Crow: Cave canem. Mike: Caveat emptor. Tom: Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionem habes. > > Skye walked back to her. Tom: [Skye, as Gomez Adams] Ooh, that's Latin! > An unspoken request and consent passed > between them and in a caring gesture, he kissed her gently. Tom: [falsetto, as Rachel] FRESH! Hiiiii-ya! Mike: Ah, the Aura of Smooth. I was wondering when that would show up. [marks his card] > Nothing > long - Mike: But enough for school officials to suspend him for sexual harrassment. Tom: [Rachel] Hellp! Mrs. Vogelstash! Crow: [Skye] Uh, I'm just watering the flowers? > just an innocent peck, Crow: [snickers] Sure, that's what they all say. > but enough to show he was thankful for > her concern. Crow: So, telling him to seize the day is a showing of concern that moves him? Tom: Why not? It's more than he usually gets...or deserves! > > Rachel watched Skye walk down the hallway, past the benches of > the Commons, and out the door. Crow: Through her inherited half-Betazed mind, she then saw him walk to his house. > > "You are such a, Tom: Jerk? > such a - Tom: Self-important godboy? > weird guy, Darian Wolfe," Tom: [disappointed] Oh. Well, I guess that works too. Mike: At least she waited until he was out of earshot. Crow: I wouldn't have. > Rachel said > to herself as she shook her head. She didn't know why, but she had a > strange feeling. Crow: All girls get a strange feeling after kissing Skye Wolfie. Tom: Sound familiar, Mike? Mike: You know, the Recycling Center is always asking us to send stuff. > She couldn't describe it, but she felt compelled to > follow him. Tom: [Skye] Looks like Dr. Pulaski's not the ONLY hypnosis expert in town. Heh, heh. > > Rachel checked the time on her watch and dropped three coins in > the school's pay phone. Tom: [sings] Three coins in the pay phone, each one seeking happiness... Mike: Of course, they were all pennies, so she wasn't actually able to make a call. > After listening for the dialtone, she pushed > 555-1872. Mike: [Rachel] It's time I really, truly call someone who cares! Crow: It's the suicide hotline. Her feeling after the kiss was stranger than we thought. > The phone rang twice before the answering machine picked > it up. Tom: [Answering Machine] This pay phone is MINE now! Mwa ha ha! > > "Hi. You have reached the Pulaski residence. Mike: [machine] If you want to leave a message for Casimir, you're a couple hundred years too late. > We can't take your > call right now, but you know how these things work, Tom: There's a magnetized tape in the machine, and a small magnet comes near it at certain times, producing a recording.... > so just listen > for the beep and do what comes natural." > > Crow: [answering machine] Okay, look, when I said do what comes *natural,* I never intended...oh, my God, that's DISGUSTING! > > "Uh, hi dad," Rachel said. "I, like, saw some girls at school Tom: BEEP! Crow: [Rachel] Oops. Better start over. > and they, like, invited me to their house to spend the weekend so Mike: [Rachel] I figured that there would be nothing strange about meeting total strangers. By the way, what's a "kegger"? > that's where I'll be. I'll call if I need anything. Tom: [Rachel] PS, Daddy, please please please PLEASE don't hypnotize anyone while I'm away... > Thanx dad. > 'Bye." Crow: [Rachel] I just left a cryptic message giving him no idea where I am, if I'm all right, or how to contact me. That'll put him at ease. > > Rachel followed Skye to his workshop secretly. It was a pretty > long walk from the school - around three miles. Tom: Luckily, the Skye-mobile made it there in RECORD TIME! Crow: Hey, I thought he took the bus? Mike: I think it's time we took a walk. Tom: Wait. I've got "Infinite Stamina." [Marks card.] > [They get up and leave] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOAR Bridge. The room is empty. After a few seconds, Crow and Tom pop up from behind some chairs, snicker, and duck back under the counter.] Tom: This just enhances our coolness, huh pal? Crow: Yep. Purposefully being late for every host segment. What a coup. We are now rebels extraordinaire. [Silence.] Tom: Yep. We are taking a walk on the wild side. Crow: Jimmy Dean, eat your heart out. Tom: Girls, line up and take a number. [The Bots giggle and whoop, followed by another few seconds of silence.] Crow: You know, I always thought being a wild man would be less... dull. Tom: That's because you're still a goodie two-shoes, man. Crow: No, it's not that. It's...I don't know. It's like our truancy is missing something. [Longer silence.] Tom: Like something to be truant for? Crow: Yeah...Hey, did the host segment start? Tom: I think so. Only Mike hasn't shown up yet. Crow: So...he's late, too...OOH!!! [Bots get out from under the counter.] Tom: Just our luck. We decide to be late for a host segment, and there isn't a host segment! Crow: That man makes me so mad, sometimes! Denying us our criminal days like that! Mike: [Walks in] Hi, Guys. Tom: Don't you "Hi, Guys" us, monkey boy! Crow: How dare you be late for a host segment we were going to be late for? Mike: Huh? But there is no host segment. Wolfe beamed up Dr. Pulaski for a discussion on hypnotism techniques. He says we need it for our next world. Didn't you hear the announcement on the PA system? Tom: CONVOCATION! ALL RIGHT! NO FRENCH CLASS! Crow: You don't have French class. Tom: Oh, right. I'm already a master at it. Mike: Maybe the PA system isn't working. You should have told me. Crow: Ha. You couldn't French in New Orleans, pal! Mike: Anyway, it was a good lecture. Pulaski brought up five volunteers. Of course, I was the only one to attend, so I had to go up five times.... Tom: Oh yeah?!? You and me, Goldenrod! [The bots duck under the counter. Fighting noises can be heard.] Mike: It was kind of embarrasing getting up in front of all those empty chairs...Hey, stop fighting now. You do that, and soon you'll be doing all sorts of nefarious activities like being purposefully late for host segments. [Lights flash.] Mike: We'll be right back. [Taps button.] Guys? Gypsy: [runs in] We have entered the next realm! [Mike must play several rounds of Illuminati Concentration. He gets the key, which is a plush 7-foot lizard.] CONTINUED in part 7