THE GATEMASTER, Part 7 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): The Placid Jack Acid Melvin Pollack Valeria Jim Whaley Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren CONTINUED from Part 6 Tom: Well, hey. Look who's back from the carnival. Crow: Won't you introduce us to your date? Mike: [sighs, and pushes away the stuffed animal] Mike, are you done yet? MW: Nope, but I am almost done on being close to sort of halfway done on getting started on being done. Tom: Oh, great. He's writing another story. Crow: Which means we'll probably have...FANFIC SIGN!!! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Our heroes enter and pick up their Avatar Bingo cards once more] > I'M GONE Tom: He's the Amazing Rando! Mike: So who's writing the fic then? Crow: Noooo! It's become self-generating! [screams] > Earth - Grand Rapids, Michigan > Skye Wolfe's Workshop Tom: We know where his secret lair is! Gypsy, RELEASE THE NUKES! Mike: Uh, we don't have...nukes. Cyberspace, remember? Tom: Damn! His oily hide eludes my grasp again! Mike: Tom...you, uh, don't HAVE a grasp. Tom: Shush, meatling! > October 2, 1998 AD - Fri. 6:53 PM Tom: Oh, the anniversary of the PowerMac. This bodes well. > > Skye's first words as he stepped through the door were: Mike: [Skye] OW! Damn Splinter. > "DISARM". Crow: [Rick] You can have my gun when you pry my cold, dead fingers from it. > This bought him four seconds to kick the 'kill-switch' > housed in the door frame. Tom: So if he sneezes or is delayed for a single second.... Mike: Three tons of his dirty laundry would have been dropped from above. > His security system was definitely > one-of-a-kind. Crow: Dodge Alarm Systems. Different. > > As Skye looked at his gallery of drawings, he paused to > remember Mike: We now take you to the space between Skye's ears for this very, very important flashback. > the afternoon he had arrived home from school and found two > stocky teenagers, Brandon and Trevor, walking away from the open > door of his workshop. Mike: So two complete strangers just waltzed in without setting off a single alarm? Crow: His security system is one-of-a-kind, all right. Tom: One of a non-working kind. > Having seen nothing they deemed worth > stealing, they didn't even bother to run from Skye. Crow: [Trevor] Ho hum. We just performed a Class 2 felony. No need to move away quickly. Tom: [Brandon] But what about that witness coming toward us? Shouldn't we run or take care of him? Crow: [Trevor] Nah, it's a beautiful, mellow day.... > > This had happened during Skye's younger days. Tom: Back when he was eight, and going for his MBA. > He certainly > hadn't been forgiving. That virtue was in short supply back then. Mike: Due to the Somalia War, Skye could only receive two intelligences and a creativity. Crow: Rationing laws can be murder. > Instead, he had chosen to be angry. Tom: As opposed to now, when he's just bitter. > He had been angry for a lot of > reasons, the least of which was breaking and entry. Crow: [Skye] When people don't run away from me, it really ticks me off! > Skye viewed the > bittersweet mental images Mike: ...Of a time when he was unable to forgive someone for any slight, no matter how long ago it happened or whether it was reasonable. Crow: Two hours ago, then. > of him popping open that particular can of > whipass Crow: "Him" in this case being Trevor. > with a guilty conscious. Crow: [Skye] I should have used whoopass. Now people will know I'm not from the 80s. Mike: Yep, that "use violence only when lives are at stake" philosophy lives on. > > Rachel slipped into the garage unnoticed through the door Skye > had absent-mindedly left ajar. Tom: So, we spent all of chapters five and six learning his great security system.... Mike: And this chapter learning what a joke it was. Crow: Maybe Rachel has level five clearance like Japanese kids. > Skye flopped down on the green cot in > the corner of the garage. Tom: Couldn't we just spam him, Mike? I mean, we ARE in cyberspace... Mike: Give it up, Servo. > Skye's lab was nothing special. Crow: All garages come equipped with enough equipment for any mad scientist. Tom: His capacitors, however, were REAllY unique. Mike: So were his wingless avians. > It had a > concrete floor, oil stains, unidentifiable electrical equipment, and > tools of all kinds. Tom: [Rachel] Boring. Do you have cable? Mike: [Skye] In the toolbox. Data and voice in 100 ft coils. > As far as Rachel could discern, it had been > divided into two distinct areas: Mike: Dumb and Dumber. > Skye's room and Skye's workshop. Crow: Not counting "Skye's special happy corner." Tom: [Rachel] Hey! Why is your room plastered with pictures of me? We just met! > Rachel could see from Skye's dreamy eyes Tom: [Rachel, falsetto] His eyes are so DREAMY! > and thoughtful expression > that his mind was millions of miles away. Tom: [Skye, falsetto] My eyes are so DREAMY! Crow: [Skye] Ah...if I were a mushroom, everything would be so much simpler.... > > CRACK-DOOM! Mike: [Skye] All right. Wrestling's on! > > Rachel jolted at the sound of thunder in spite of herself. Tom: [Rachel] ...the hell?! Who do you have workin' as a SFX guy back there, Ed Wood? > At > risk of being discovered, Rachel lunged toward a cluster of blue > painted 60-gallon drums. Tom: Why would he have 60-gallon drums in his lab? What's he storing? Mike: Booze. It's the only reason why Rachel would risk discovery to get to them. Crow: That explains why Rick wants the garage. > The gentle tone of individual raindrops Mike: [singing] Falling on my head.... > on > the metal roof Crow: If the roof is tin, a lot of cats will be soaked. Tom: No, they got off when it cooled down. > changed to a resounding percussion as the subdued > storm became a roaring torrent. Crow: [Rachel] Still not foolin' me, Ed. > Rachel shivered as she watched Skye Mike: Yeah, Skye has that effect on us too. > walk over to close the door and turn on the nearby space heater. Tom: And it explodes. CRACK-DOOM. DUGA-WHOOSH. The end. > Skye removed his Jean jacket Mike: [Rachel] He's already got a girlfriend?!? I'll kill him. > and hung it on a reserved hook on the > tool rack. Tom: Can we e-mail the mob to put out a contract on this guy? That might do the trick! Mike: You're persistent, I'll give you that... > Then, opening a huge trunk, Skye unfolded and donned a > long sleeve forest green shirt. Crow: Without taking off the shirt he wore? Mike: It's cold. > > Just then, Rachel heard a loud gurgling sound. Tom: [Rachel] Is there a baby in here? > Skye evidently > heard it too. Mike: [Skye] Uh, did I leave the interdimensional portal open again? > He rubbed his stomach. Crow: Patting his head simultaneously proved difficult. > As Skye went to satisfy his > hunger, Rachel hugged herself to keep warm. Tom: [Rachel] Somehow, this isn't how I pictured our first date... > Skye walked over to a > cooler and removed the top. It was full of granola bars! Tom: [Skye] All right! Rick came through! Mike: No, I think Rachel was excited. Or the author. Crow: [Rachel] I can sense granola from miles away. Helps my dieting. > Skye's > diet consisted mainly of granola. Mike: No! N! O! An engineering college student subsides on pizza and Coke! My God, man! Did you do ANY research?!? Tom: At least it wasn't strawberry juice. > It was all that he could afford. Crow: [consults his card] Rats. I guess that rules out getting "master chef." Mike: Eh, you never know with a self-insertion fic. > > 'I guess that's why he never complains about cafeteria food,' > thought Rachel. Tom: [Rachel] He's a freaking berry-munching HIPPIE! Crow: Not that she would know that anyway, since they've only known each other for about five hours. Mike: That Betazed heritage helps. > > Skye absent-mindedly munched his last meal of rolled oats and > honey Mike: So he figures he's not going to Israel. Crow: He doesn't think he might need to pack the "never-go-bad" bars as food rations while he explores an unknown terrain? > while examining the two panel Dri-Erase board on his wall. To > Rachel, it was crammed with numbers, symbols, and letters (both > English and Greek) Crow: To Crow, it's all Greek! > joined together in obscure patterns that looked > more like an ancient language than an overgrown math problem. Tom: [Rachel] My God...he's a bigger geek than Daddy is! > > "I hope he's not planning on committing suicide after what > happened today," Rachel contemplated. Mike: [Rachel] My mom wrote her suicide note in an ancient language. Tom: He's going to MATH himself to death! > "He was certainly shook up > after that incident at the assembly." Crow: [Rachel] He felt fear from coming close to death. Ergo, he must be ready to kill himself. Mike: [Rachel] Come to think of it, a LOT of people get like that after meeting Daddy...wonder if there's a connection? > > Skye finished his dinner and picked up a half-gallon bottle of > orange juice. Rachel cringed in disgust as her would-be boyfriend Crow: Oh, we're already up to "would-be," are we? > chugged straight from the container. Mike: No, that doesn't look familiar! Crow: Uh, we didn't ask. Tom: Feeling self-conscious, buddy? > > "Eee-yewwwwww," Rachel flinched. Crow: [whispering] That's it, Rachel! Break the spell! Go home now! You're freeeee.... Tom: [Rachel] Eeew! He's drinking straight from the container even though there's no one else who would come in here to drink anyway! Mike: Servo, your riffs are becoming confusing. Tom: Confusing riffs for confusing fanfics, that's what I always say. Crow: No you don't. Tom: Shut up. > > Skye's ears pricked up. Crow: [Skye] I smell bacon. > Rachel held her breath. Tom: Waiting for him to change. Just like a woman.... > Had he heard > her? Skye shook his head. Mike: [Rachel] Oh, good. For a second, I thought he heard me. > He thought he'd heard something, but it > was probably just the wind. Mike: A small, cowering, girly wind. Tom: [narrator] Hears the *Wind*! Get it? *Ha*-ha! Oh, Lordy, sometimes I just hurt inside. > > Darian picked up a bundle of black rods Crow: Hey! How are they going to open Parliament without those? > and placed them in > front of the wall with the blackboard. Mike: [Skye] Despite my engineering background, I need to constantly redecorate. > He pulled the three > telescoping rods of the tripod out to their full length and > tightened the screws holding them there. Tom: Um, why is he setting up a camera in his bedroom? Crow: [Darian] Well, time to get my porno business off the ground... Mike: [Darian] OK, Rachel, you can come out now! > > Skye pulled a white sheet off a bulky object sitting in a > corner. Crow: [Skye] Rick, I told you to stop spying on me! Tom: [Rick] Er...I'm a ghost! Whoooo! > The sheet came off in a cloud of dust, revealing an old > black and white TV and a VCR. Tom: No way. An engineer would be set up to record Star Trek and X-Files. Mike: Maybe videotape is too expensive. Crow: [Skye] 3M is also against me! > He lugged the television beside the > tripod and set the camcorder on the mounting. Mike: Where'd the camcorder come from? Crow: His new physics. He can transform stuff. > Skye plugged both > pieces of equipment into the wall outlet. Crow: And he shorts out the entire house. Tom: He shoulda put the gate on a different circuit. > A screen of snow and a red > LED told him they were both working. Tom: [singing] It's been a hard day's night.... > Darian grabbed a cable from his > workbench, connecting the camera to the back of the TV/VCR. Crow: Be amazed as he PIRATES CABLE TELEVISION! > Skye > waved his hand in front of the camera and a monochrome image of his > hand appeared on the screen. Crow: This is Skye's last message to the people of this earth. [Skye] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! > Skye picked up the genuine remote for > the camera and hit RECORD. Tom: Any reason while he felt the need to tell us it was "genuine"? Mike: Place must be rife with fake ones to throw off tresspassers. > > Skye stepped in front of the lens, running his fingers through > his hair (that white streak was always falling in his eyes). Mike: [Skye] And as a genius, I am incapable of visiting a barber. Crow: Julian used the same excuse in "Stolen Memories." > > "October second, nineteen ninety-eight." Skye coughed. All: [Singing] Nine AM. Eastern standard time.... > "Hello > Doc. All: WHAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! > I'm sorry I couldn't meet you today, but chances are that by > the time you get this message I'll be gone." Crow: [Skye] I've had one dateless night too many, Doc... > Skye glanced at his > watch. "It's about seven twenty-nine PM Eastern Standard Time. Tom: [Skye] And eighteen seconds. Nineteen. Twenty.... Mike: Eight P.M. in Newfoundland. > I > didn't want to leave without saying good-bye, but I had to. Mike: [Skye] Because frankly, there's no way I'd be in the same room as you. > So I > guess this is the next best thing. I hope you understand." Crow: Who's he talking to, again? Tom: Trevor. He's finally going to reveal his true feelings. Mike: If you ever do that again, I WILL turn you into a fax machine. Crow: I'll help. > > Skye knew he should say something insightful, exceptional, and > deeply profound, Mike: [narrator] But he'd used "hasta la vista, baby" only last week. Damn. > but for the first time in his life - he couldn't > think of anything. Crow: Well, he could always quote from _The Circus of Dr. Lao_. > > Skye stepped to the side, giving the camera a clear view of the > blackboard and the completed equation. Tom: [Skye] This is HOW MUCH I love you! > > "Well, I solved it (heh, heh)." All: [chant] Liar! Liar! Liar! Mike: Yeah, give Marrissa some credit. > > Then it hit him. He gestured his hands at the board. "The > Omniverse summons me - and I go." Tom: [sings, as Skye] Hi ho! Hi ho! To the Omniverse I go! With razor blades and hand grenades, HI HO! Hi ho, hi ho oh... > > Skye chuckled. "I don't know quite how to tell you this Burt." Mike: [Skye] I always thought Ernie was funnier. > Skye paused thoughtfully to reach back and scratch his neck > self-consciously. Crow: [Skye] Damn body lice--I *should* bathe sometime, I guess, but they *told* me to be that animal and stuff. > "Do you remember that time you lost the prototype > T.R.A.X.? Mike: The one labeled T.I.M.E.? Tom: He's not going to stop until he rips off every sci-fi fantasy on this planet! We have to do something, Mike! > Well, I'm sorry, but I sorta' borrowed it. Crow: [Skye] Took it for a spin. Picked up some foxy babes.... Tom: [Rachel] WHAT?!? Mike: [Skye] Whoops. Gotta go. > You see, I > copied it to build my own." Tom: [Skye] Yeah, I know I screamed about your other assistant stealing your work, but this is different. I am above the law. > > Momentarily, the camera was filled with a view of his chest Crow: [Skye] I've been using the T.R.A.X. as a workout machine. What do you think? > as > Skye panned it over to a giant quasi-crystalline ring that occupied > most of the NE corner of the workshop. Mike: So he points it at a fancy ring, and the background is his chest. Crow: Navel piercing was big in the 80s, huh? Tom: [Skye] Wait, I got it! "Welcome to the Next Level!" DAMN, am I profound! > "I had to scrap my first > attempt at reverse engineering. Crow: [Skye] If you noticed that the T.R.A.X. veers to the left now, you know why. > You were right. The design of the > P.C.G. was based on a false assumption. Tom: [Skye] That's why I took the T.R.A.X. instead. > I had to start redesigning > from the ground up. But now-" Mike: [Skye] I can reverse engineer like a pro! > > Skye peered into the camera lens: "Now it's finished. I call it > 'The Gate'." Tom: Formerly, "The Entrance." > > Skye's grin disappeared for a moment, Crow: [Skye] Yes, I know, it's a lousy name. > replaced by a serious > stare into the camera. The young boy appeared as if he were looking > into the face of his mentor himself. Mike: Figures. Skye was raised by television. > "I owe you a lot, Burt. Tom: [Skye] But, um, I can't pay you until Tuesday. > My work > allowed me to get away from it all. Mike: [Skye] Thanks for teaching me that avoiding pain by working rather than dealing with loneliness was the only healthy option. > It helped me find peace when I > was kinda' lonely -but you know how that is." Crow: [Skye] You hogging the Marie Curie blow-up doll and everything. I'm *still* bitter. Tom: Now watch him explain who got the T.R.A.X. prototype pregnant. > > Skye panned back to his desk and sat behind it. Tom: [Skye] And that's the way it is, Monday, October 2nd, 1998. Good night. Crow: How does he move the camera, anyway? While staying in shot, I mean. Mike: Repulsor beams. > "I intend to > stay where it is I'm going." Mike: [Skye] I'm tired of paying $20 for a Monkey License. Crow: Yeah, we got that about ten paragraphs ago. *Leave.* Tom: Young avatars never die--they just blather their victims into gibbering dementia. > Skye reached outside the view of the > camera and retrieved a remote that looked like it belonged to the > video equipment (it didn't). Crow: Must be one of those counterfeits. > "Yep. That's right, Doc. I'm taking a > one-way trip through the Gate. Tom: Formerly, "The Portal." > And since I have both control > devices; Mike: [Skye] You won't be able to see this tape. Oh wait.... > I will probably be considered for all legal intents and > purposes 'terminated'. Mike: With Extreme Prejudice! > So I've decided to make this my Last Will and > Testament." Mike: [Skye] I leave it all to my dog, Rachel. Crow: [Rachel] WHAT?!? Mike: [Skye] Whoops. Gotta go.... > > Skye looked all around his small home then returned his view to > the camera -grinning like the Cheshire cat. Tom: He vanished and left his smile hanging in midair? Neat-o! > "Its all yours." Crow: [Burt] No, the garage con was just to fool Rick, remember? Tom: What about his trust fund? You know, the inheritance money.... Mike: That went to the Society of Whiny Scientists. > > Skye stopped as an important thought occurred to him. "On two > conditions." Tom: [Skye] One, bite me. Two, bite me harder. > > Skye held up a finger. "Prime: you must not, under any > circumstances, divulge the existence of the Gate to anyone." Mike: [Skye] Oh, wait, I already botched that one. > > Skye held up two fingers. "Second: you must not activate, > operate, move, change, de-engineer, or even breathe on any of the > machinery in my workshop." Crow: Oh, that's such a great inheritance. The Skye Wolfe museum, which admits no visitors because the centerpiece is classified. Tom: Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?! Just WHO was it who stole Dr. Cranston's stuff and re-engineered it without permission?! Mike: He's sensitive and misunderstood, Tom. Just run with it and he'll die that much quicker. > > "I'm trusting you. Tom: Yeah, right. Ten bucks says Burt sells the machine to the highest bidder. Mike: Which would be EvilCo, right. > As a scientific compensation though, Crow: [Skye] ...You can have my 'Nsync poster. Uh, if anyone tells you those lipstick smears are mine, beat them up, 'cause...uh, er...they're *not,* okay?! I *swear!* > you can > take credit for solving the Grand Unified Theory. Tom: Like that'll help. Cranston will become a bitter shell of a man, knowing his career is based on a lie. He'll probably take to drink, become a recluse, and alienate the family and friends he once had. Eventually he'll die a sad, lonely, premature death, and it will all be Skye's fault! > Oh, and don't > worry about me. Crow: Never have. > You know how I am. Crow: That's why I'm not going to worry about you. Go ahead and DIE. Mike: Easy, Crow. > I can handle myself and probably > anything that comes my way." Tom: Didn't he say these worlds could have different physical laws? Mike: [Skye] The worst that could happen is that I wind up in a world with no gravity. Say a vacuum. > > Skye rubbed his chin. Mike: [Skye] Wonder if I should shave before I go...nah, the chicks there might go for the stubbly look. > There was something else he meant to say. > "I guess I have to say something quotable before I embark on this > journey, don't I? Crow: I've got the urge to say a few unquotable things right now.... > How about this?" Tom: "Life could be a dream, sh-boom, sh-boom." Crow: "Someone get the bucket!" Mike: "I shaved my legs for this?" > > Skye stared at the ten foot-tall ring standing behind the > camera. Crow: Look into the camera. Into. Don't be shy.... Mike: [Skye] Okay! Listen to this! "That's-a one BIG ring!" > > "Adventure (pause) is the essence (pause) of life." Tom: The pause the refreshes! Or revolts, in this case. Crow: [Skye] GOD, I'm so dramatic! THIS is acting! > > Skye stopped the camera and popped the tape out of the VCR. Mike: Uh, wouldn't the tape be in the camera? > Pealing off a sticker labeled WATCH ME, Skye affixed it to the > videotape. Crow: Burt would write his own label: "MAKE ME." > > "Hopefully you'll see that when you come in, Burt." Skye took > his spare security key and placed it under the welcome mat. Tom: Anybody else think it's weird to put a *security* key under the *welcome* mat? Mike: No, Tom. It's just you. > Burt > would know where to look for it. Crow: Skye, people from alternate dimensions would know where to look for it. > > Skye closed the door, shutting out the cold wind that blew with > the rain. Mike: [singing] When I was but a little tiny boy, with hey-ho, the wind and rain... Tom: [singing] I was a ninny who did totally annoy, and I caused great paineth every day... > > Rachel was still crouched behind the barrels. Crow: What I wouldn't give for a Donkey Kong crossover about now. > She held her hand > over mouth to keep from making any noise, Tom: It's a self-mugging! Crow: No, she was trying to keep from laughing at the poor dope. > but she was getting scared > about Skye. Crow: [Rachel] Could I have fallen in love with any possibly BIGGER dork?! Mike: [Rachel] Next thing you'll know he'll be getting me involved in some weird video game fantasy of his! > She had just witnessed Skye make what appeared to her to > be a video Will and/or suicide message. Tom: Well, that's good. A will should have a witness. Crow: What tipped her off? The part where Skye said "I've decided to make this my Last Will and Testament"? > > "I sure hope this storm doesn't knock the power out," Mike: [Skye] 'Cause I bet twenty bucks on the power to win in five rounds! > Skye said > aloud to himself, "-not that I'm worried." Crow: [Skye] Nope! Not worried at all! And I'm just talking to myself and not some barrels. Lah, de dah.... > > Rachel's imagination went AWOL. Tom: She became completely uncreative? Crow: If you wanna be an engineer's girlfriend, you gotta make sacrifices. > Why was he talking about power? Mike: Because NOBODY worries about blackouts during a thunderstorm. Tom: Maybe he was just a megalomaniac? > Was he going to electrocute himself? Tom: And why hadn't he had the decency to *tell* her, so she could invite some friends to watch? Crow: So Rachel thinks that our giant washer over there is an electric chair. Who in the hell would come up with such dreck?!? Mike: Be fair, Crow. Giant washers are the leading cause of death among left-handed plumbers between 18 and 24. > > Skye had rigged up an old magneto to a car battery. Tom: Magneto, insulted and injured, fries Skye to a crisp. The end. > It could > act as a decent backup for the computer in case of a power outage > for up to four days. Crow: Aw, the widdle baby can't afford an UPS either. > But a blackout wasn't what Skye was really > concerned about. Mike: After all, he could always pinch some of his stepdad's booze and black out on his own! > > Had he honestly been ready to test his theory and take the > plunge, he would have left the very day he solved the formula. Tom: Because packing and itinerary planning is for losers. > As it > was, Skye wasn't so sure about the predictability of the Gate. Tom: After all, he designed it. Mike: You mean there's something wrong with jumping through an experimental, untested system into a randomly-chosen parallel universe? Who'da thunk? Crow: [Skye] Times like these I'm really, really thankful that I'm a self-insertion character.... > Was > it the door to the perfect world, or merely a more convoluted way of > joining his parents in the afterlife? Mike: Well, if you've been a good boy, the afterlife should *be* a perfect world. > > "There's only one way to decide," Skye said confidently... Crow: Yes, and that's by our undeniable audience command! LEAVE! > > "Heads I stay, tails I go!" Tom: [singing] Cause if I go, there will be trouble. But if I stay, there will be double.... > > Whether the silvery coin knew or cared what it was being asked > -he did not know. Mike: What is it with all this thinking regarding the consciousness of inanimate objects? Crow: This is an "H. R. Puffenstuff" crossover. Tom: The Gate Opener is named Freddy. > All he knew was that his lucky coin had never let > him down before. Crow: Because the author was secretly warping physics to make the coin do what he wanted. > > Skye's thumb placed itself beneath the edge of the 1776-1976 > silver dollar -and snapped. Mike: Brittle bone disease is no laughing matter, men. > The coin became a blur of gyration. Tom: Like Elvis Presley's hips! Mike: [Skye] Gee. Maybe the magnetic fields from my gate ARE a tad high. > Skye > had put chance in the driver's seat and John F. Kennedy wasn't about > to disappoint. Crow: Mister Author, I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy never mixed metaphors and threw them out with reckless abandon. Mister Author, you are no Jack Kennedy. > With a soft 'pad' sound, the coin landed in his open > palm. Tom: What if it lands on its side? Crow: He pushes Rachel through. > > ...Tails. Mike: [sighs wearily] God, not him again. Look, could we *please* just delegate the moronic cartoon animals and the moronic cartoonish humans to their own individual galaxies of sheer idiocy?! Tom: Hey, I hear ya, Mike, but it looks like Crow and I are pretty much stuck with you. > > Skye programmed the device with both thumbs, All: [Snicker wildly] Crow: So, Mister Wolfe really is all thumbs? Tom: Looks like someone needs to learn how to touch type. Mike: [Skye] Last time I make a device from a GAME pad. > mumbling to > himself. "One hour should be enough. That should give me some time > to scout a bit. Check out the flip-side." Crow: Seriously, this is like _Back the the Future_ with an extra dimension added, or something. > > Skye had theorized that the Gate could only connect to > habitable universes, Mike: But you'd be surprised what is considered "habitable" in some circles. > but he wanted to make sure that the natives of > his adopted home (if there were any) weren't hostile. Mike: After they've spent an hour with him, I *guarantee* they'll be hostile. Tom: I hope they immediately greet him with open arms and make him the leader of their world. Crow: Uh, don't you mean "kill him"? Tom: No, because that never happens when we want it to. > > The only word Rachel had heard from her hiding place was > 'flip- Tom: [Rachel] Flip off yourself. > side'. This was the term Skye used to refer to the other side > of the wormhole. Rachel, however, misunderstood it to mean the > opposite of life. Crow: Like being in Congress! Mike: How did the daughter of a psychiatrist get so screwed up? One spirit animal session too many? > > 'Flip-side!' Rachel thought in horror. 'He *is* planning on > killing himself!' Crow: [Rachel] Now I'll never get the chance to hear him beg me for his life as the knife slides into his chest as smoothly as if sinking into half-melted butter! Like, I am *so* sure! Tom: She studied the wires entering the metallic ring, realized that the electromagnetic fields would be immense, and thought in horror that he was going to commit suicide by self-inflicted cancer. > > "There," Skye said aloud. Tom: [Rachel] Oh, my God! He committed suicide! Hey, wait.... > > *DIDDITY-BEEP* the Timer alerted. Mike: [Rachel] He IS commiting suicide! That's what R2D2 said just before frying to a crisp in the first movie! Crow: In the third movie, he says WARBO-WOO. If the machine says that, THEN we party...er, panic. > > Skye put down the Timer on his workbench. Crow: [Skye] You're nothing compared to Swedish timepieces! Tom: [Rim-shot] > He took off the green > shirt. Tom: The same green shirt he just put on? Mike: His spirit animal is Mister Rogers. > He was wearing a black skintight body-stocking underneath. Mike: The Gallery of Images That Will Wake Me Up Screaming in Mortal Agony for Years to Come, Exhibit A. Crow: [consulting his bingo card] I guess I'm not going to get to mark "snappy dresser" either. > It > would keep him warm without having to wear a bulky coat and keep his > skin dry if he happened to land in water. Tom: In the unlikely event of a water landing, your body-stocking can be used as a flotation device. > > "No telling where I might end up," Skye said. "I'd better be > prepared as best I can." Mike: That's the long version of the Boy Scout motto. > > Skye kept on his black jeans (adjusting the belt) and slipped > on a white long sleeve shirt, tucking it into his jeans. Tom: Since the body stocking kept you as warm as if you were wearing a bulky coat, he died of heat exhaustion. The end. > Over that, > Skye put on his black army-surplus survival vest, zipping it up the > front. Mike: [Rachel] He's going to kill himself by searching for Vietnam POWs! Crow: [Skye] I'm your worst nightmare. Wanna hear my funny scientific theories? > It was one of those vests with pockets and rings all over the > place. Crow: And a *delicious* dusting of bright green sequins. He'd show that skanky ho Tails a thing or two about fashion! > Skye preferred this to carrying a backpack. Mike: I can see how the pockets could replace a backpack, but the rings...? > Skye debated > bringing his duster along, but decided against it. Tom: [Skye] The vacuum cleaner is bulky enough. Crow: But what if the new dimension has a lot of cobwebs on it? > > "Oh," Skye said, grabbing a small roll of duct-tape from his > tool bench. "I can't forget this. Mike: He has an inexplicable love for duct tape. He must be an engineer! Crow: Is that sarcasm? Mike: You don't want to know. > You never know when this stuff > will come in handy. Mike: Sure. Just ask Redd Green. Crow: [Redd] And if the furry-girls don't find ya handsome, they should at least find ya handy! > It may just save my life someday." Mike: This message brought to you by the Duct Tape Council. > > Skye didn't know how right he was when he slid the tape into > one of the spacious pockets of the vest. Tom: The foreshadowing so nice, they did it *twice*! Crow: I'd have something to say about all this, but I've been rendered senseless by the anvils just dropped full-force against my unwitting skull. > He just went over and > picked up the Timer again. Mike: Skye. Now with obsessive-compulsive behaviors. > > "Goin' hot in five seconds..." Crow: [Skye] Kidding! I'm hot just the way I am, baby... > > [00:00:05... Tom: Golden rings! > -:04... Mike: Calling birds! Crow: Calling WINGLESS birds. > -:03... Crow: French hens. Tom: What's with the minus sign? Mike: We're the lover. We give this stuff to him. > -:02... Tom: Turtle doves. > -:01... All: And a partrige in a pear tree! > -:00] Tom: Er, and that's what we're giving Ebby Scrooge!!!! > > The Timer's display flashed once. Mike: Must be a capacitor failure. > > *BEEP* Crow: [Skye] Why didn't anyone tell me that this timer was a *beep*ing pervert? > > The Gate opened with a whooshing sound that became a quiet roar > as the whirlpool effect began. Tom: Suddenly, Maytag ninja repairmen show up to engage Skye in mortal combat! > As the wormhole formed, the tugging > sensation became more pronounced. Tom: The GateMaster: The only fanfic that's proud of its sucking ability. > > Rachel's mouth dropped to the ground as her eyes opened wide. Mike: [Rachel] He *must* be committing suicide. He's facing a level four tornado. > > "So what's it going ta' be, hmm?!" Skye ruminated. "A world > where the impossible is commonplace? Tom: Or a world composed entirely of feldspar and pudding? Crow: Yes, or perhaps even death! Wonderful, merciful, quiet, peaceful, story-ending Marty-Sue-eliminating DEATH! Mike: Go for it, Skye! We *know* you can do it, little buddy! > A beautiful kingdom of > fantastic dreams...or..." Skye's face darkened, "...perhaps a > war-scarred land of terrible nightmares?" Mike: You'd think the choice of where to vacation would be easier. > > Skye cocked his head. Hell, he thought, anything had to be > better than this. Crow: This is supposed to be ironic, isn't it? > At least there was a chance -something to hope > for. Then again, maybe I should wait and test it more. Maybe... Mike: AGGGH! Don't DO this to us, you teasing little tart--just GO! Bots: [singing] SUICIDE is PAINLESS, it BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES... > > "No," he said to himself, "the time to go is now." Mike: [Skye] Safety is for weenies. Let's risk life and limb. Crow: At least there's a chance. Tom: Something for us to hope for. > > Rachel was scared that Skye would do something drastic. In all > honesty, he was. Tom: [Skye] I'm going to start my own garage band! Yeah! Crow: [to Mike] "Teasing little tart"? Mike: [shifts uncomfortably in chair] Hey, uh...that whole granola thing sure was stupid, wasn't it? > > Unlocking the desk drawer, Skye took out the backup Timer. With > the tearing sound of Velcro, Skye pocketed it. Tom: So is that another valuable invention by Dr. Cranston? Crow: [Skye] Maybe I'll pawn this off for otherworldly currency. > > Holding the first Timer, the intrepid adventurer sucked in his > breath. Mike: This is a precaution in case he winds up in a water world. Crow: Or in case he changes to his spirit guppy form. > His heart was racing in anticipation. Crow: [Skye] I'm gonna run behind those barrels and teach her what the term "energy ring" is all about. Mike: One more, and I get the clown hammer. > > With that, Skye drew back from the portal and ran toward it at > full speed. Tom: So he moved forward and back simultaneously. Mike: Just like this story. > At the last possible instant, his feet left the ground. Crow: He's entering the world of Bugs Bunny cartoons! Fun! > > Suddenly, Rachel leapt from her hiding place. "NO! SKYE! > DON'T DO IT!!! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!" Tom: [Rachel] What about your ant farm? > > The two persons collided in mid-air. Rachel attempted to snatch > the Timer from Skye's grip, Mike: [Rachel] I won't lose you the way I lost my mother. Sucked through a wormhole in a giant mood ring controlled by a TV remote.... > but accidentally triggered the > ABORT/INTERRUPT instead. Crow: Damn. She hit the "Abort/Interrupt" key. No way she can stop his journey now. Tom: Ten bucks says that Skye built an "Any Key" into his timer. > The impact knocked Skye to the floor and > away from the portal before he could make physical contact with it, Tom: Mike, does the clown hammer apply to me, too? Mike: In this situation, it counts double. > but Skye watched, horrified, as Rachel fell into the rapidly > diminishing mouth of the wormhole. Crow: Ewww! She got eaten by a worm! Tom: Now Skye has to rescue her from the Jem'Hadar. > > "SKYE!!!" Rachel shrieked in terror. Crow: [Rachel] My imagination defected to the enemy! I think I'm planning to commit suicide by being sucked through a doughnut! > > As the Gate flashed shut, the Timer clattered on the concrete > floor. Tom: Look on the bright side. We finally have a plot. > The device malfunctioned Tom: Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. > by resetting the countdown > mechanism. Mike: Three-finger salute. > Something inside it hiccuped, Tom: The only machine that REQUIRES contact with water. > changing the display from > Skye's programmed [00:59:59] -minutes to [59:59:59] -hours. Crow: So, is that 60 hours? Or 60 days since the units changed? Mike: If he was planning a one-way trip, why a max time before return? > > Skye hastily snatched the Timer from the floor. Tom: Five-second rule. > > The screen flashed. Mike: It's got disco fever! > > [TIMER PARAMETERS CHANGED] > [SYSTEM OPERATOR CONFIRM?] Crow: [Lily Tomlin] We're the phone company. We won't even confirm that. > > Skye never even thought to look at the screen. Mike: Well, the confirmation screen to make sure nobody makes a mistake and gets lost forever is certainly a big help. > When Skye > thumbed the 'launch' button, Tom: He failed to look at the timer, so he pressed the "self-destruct and kill everybody" button. > the device automatically assumed the > data that it had displayed was correct. Crow: Stupid assumption, when Skye's involved. Tom: [Skye] Why did I program this damn thing with Windows XP?! > > [TIMER SET = 59:59:59 HRS] Crow: SIXTY hours! Say it with me, pal! > [---HAVE A NICE VOYAGE---] All: Chuuuuuummmmmm....p! > > Skye reopened the Gate. Tom: Formerly, "The Opening." Mike: [Skye] Damn lady running in front of me. Well, off to paradise.... > > THE BEGINNING OF AN ADVENTURE Crow: Future reference, author. Next time, start the adventure WITHIN THE FIRST SIX CHAPTERS! > Earth - Grand Rapids, Michigan > Skye Wolfe's Workshop Mike: Maybe if he's good, he'll become a real boy. > Oct. 2, 1998 AD - Fri. 7:46.10 PM Tom: He screen changed for a 10-second jump? Mike: He wanted to make sure nobody forgot where we were. Crow: Welcome to Short Attention Span Theater. And welcome. > > WHIRRRRRRRR-WHOOOOOOOOSH! Tom: And Skye gets killed by a lawnmower-riding maniac with a flame thrower. The end. > > The huge image of a toilet flushing vertically into the wall > reappeared Mike: All right, who let Salvador Dali in here? > accompanied by various sucking noises All: Suck, suck, suck.... > (like someone > taking a shallow drink through a straw) Crow: Also known as "we have no sound effects budget." > that became less noticeable > as the whirlpool grew larger. Tom: Because the whirlpool formed a black hole that destroyed the planet. So who would notice the noise it made? Crow: This author, apparently. > > Skye summoned his courage. Rachel was out there, somewhere. Tom: If he starts singing _An American Tail_, I'm leaving. Mike: Oh, so the character gets nervous about being near cute women. My God, that's actually the way a real engineer would feel! Crow: Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, Mike. > > Skye looked into the rippling energy lens, unable to see past Crow: [opens his beak, then closes it] So many riffs, so little time. Tom: We can categorize: his nose, his ego, his vanity, his ass... Mike: Tom! > the undulating brilliance of the light. Crow: Turns out he opened a portal to God's personal flower garden. > His heart started to beat in > time with its pulsing rhythm. Tom: So the whirlpool put on a "Wipeout" record, and Skye died of a heart attack. The end. > It was pulling on him, tugging on him, > begging for him to enter. Mike: [coughs] ...Yes, uh, well... [loosens his collar] ...Is it getting hot in here? > The Gate promised him everything -but > guaranteed nothing at all. Tom: Oh, so it's Democratic. Crow: [simultaneously] Oh, so it's Republican. Mike: This has "long day" written all over it. > > "I'm the one who opened you," Skye told the Gate angrily, Mike: [Skye] *I* wanted to be your first! Crow: Mike!!! Tom: Get the clown hammer. > "so > leave her out of this!" Crow: [Gate] Well, sor-ry! It's not *my* fault she fell in! > > With that, Skye leapt across the threshold, Mike: [Rick] You're who? Alchoholics Anonymous!?! Crow: I think Skye went over the edge long ago. > -surmounting the > unreal barrier Crow: That would be the fourth wall? Mike: [Rick] Skye said what?!? No, I don't have a problem! > separating an infinite number of possibilities. Mike: [Rick] Skye! Come over here! I'll show you a problem! > > "HERE... Mike: [Rick] Where do you get off saying I have a problem? > ...WE... Mike: [Rick] It's not like I'm hallucinating, dammit! > ...GO!!!" Mike: [Rick] Uh.... > > Skye's parting comment echoed through the Gate and inside the > vacant garage until the portal shrank and disappeared with a glimmer > into the nothing that had spawned it. Mike: [Rick] So the next meeting is this Thursday? Yeah, I'll be there.... Tom: But if nothing spawned it, then how was it spawned? > > Skye's observations of the trip flew through his mind at a > speed ridiculously slower than the trip itself. Crow: [Skye] Hey, it's Mario! What's he doing in there? Tom: Aw, NO! The last thing we need is for this fic to get any slower! Mike: Tom, don't get too worked up... Tom: It's only taken us 200 chapters to get this far! > The Gate had an > event horizon. Tom: Unlike this story. Dammit, the plot point occured! Now move it! > When Skye hit the bright surface of the lens, Mike: Sort of like a bug hitting a windshield. But not quite. > he > seemed to pause in mid-air, Crow: They won't let him land at National. Something about fog. > suspended in the ether like he was > unaffected by the force of gravity. Tom: Sort of like what the readers at home must be feeling. > > Skye didn't stay at rest for long. Mike: He was already off annoying people with his smug pomposity/ immature jerk composite personality. > In a blinding flash of > light, Crow: Skye Wolfe was killed in a nuclear attack. The end! Now! Please?!? > the first thing he saw was the wall of the garage rushing up > to meet him - Tom: Like anything would want to meet this bozo. > speeding like a falling house. Bots: [singing, high falsetto] Ding-dong, the cretin's dead, fell through the Gate and smashed his head, ding-dong, the Marty Sue is deeeeaaad... > He didn't even have > time to blink. Mike: Just enough to duly record it? Crow: Spirit guppy, Mike. He probably wouldn't have time to blink during an iceberg melt. > As he 'hit' the wall, Crow: He didn't REAllY hit the wall. That would be action, and entirely inappropriate to this story. > Skye's view of reality blurred Tom: Well, a head-on collision with a wall certainly would do it. > and sped down the Mike: Interstate. > mouth of an unfathomable tunnel - Crow: A woman's va.... Mike: That's it! [leaves] > taking on the > image of a circular waterfall. Tom: That would be a faucet? Crow: That's a cylindrical waterfall. Mike: [comes back] I just had the nanites help me put a stop to Crow Syndrome once and for all. > Then, Skye was nowhere on Earth at > all. Mike: If you even THINK of something dirty for the next sentence, you'll be sorry. > > "OOOOOHHHH GAWWWWWWWWWWD!!!" All: [gape] Mike: Duck! [Clown hammers rain on all three of them.] > > When Skye was ten, Tom: [singing] It was a very good year.... > he had tried out for the Junior League > Football Team. Mike: Jeez. Again with the athletic engineer stereotypes. > Rushing through all those brawny eighth graders bent > on smashing him into the ground Crow: And it was even worse on the football field. Tom: And the boys were even more violent. Mike: Yep. I can definitely see a 10-year-old soon-to-be-a-14-year- old science nerd as a runningback. > was the only thing in his life that > in any way prepared him for a ride through the Gate. Tom: Or he could have read the last six chapters! Mike: How about a car wash? I think those are pretty scary. > > He was being thrust through an incomprehensible tunnel Mike: It's a rip-off of the Sliders rip-off of the Time Tunnel. How incomprehensible can it be? Crow: And how can it be incomprehensible if Skye designed and built it? Tom: My imagination went AWOL, so I can't understand it. > at > similarly describable speeds Crow: Should've added a speedometer. > - and yet, he was still accelerating. Tom: So the speeds AREN'T incomprehensible. Mike: Similarly described, but not exact. > The walls of blue-white light hurtled by him in a chaotic blur. Mike: Hey, he fell into the opening credits of _Doctor Who_! Tom: Or that trippy sequence from _2001_... Crow: So far, he's made it to Ridiculous Speed. > Then, the disoriented voyager Crow: Managed to send Seven of Nine to kick this loser's ass. All: THE END!!! > heard a sound like the shattering of > glass, as reality itself fell away. Tom: This is an area, beyond that which is known to man.... > Forget lightspeed. Forget warp. Mike: [Dark Helmet] Ludicrous speed! Go! > He was going so fast that he was beyond the concept of speed. Tom: But not the concept of cheese! There's always a space for cheese. Crow: Oh, there's *plenty* of concept of cheese in this fic. > > He could touch infinity. Crow: I think there was more than just oats and honey in those granola bars. > > He probably would have covered his eyes with his hands Mike: [Skye] As a scientist, I must take steps to avoid observation. > had it > not been for the fact that he didn't seem to have a body. Crow: He's just a brain in a pan. > He had > sensation Tom: It's a Starburst Commercial crossover? Mike: Well, that gets points for originality. > telling him that it was there, Mike: Sorta like the leg pains after the leg is amputated. > but sight, sound, and touch > all conspired to tell him that his mind was there but his body > wasn't. Crow: Usually, it's the other way around. > > Skye postulated Tom: Jeez, this guy's the reincarnation of John Agar. Crow: [Skye] Now I need a load so I can test my postulates on him. Mike: [Skye] I postulate that I'm going [Mole People Doc] Down, down, down.... Bots: Mike! > that the matter constituting his body had been > converted to energy. Mike: So, Skye, explain how Heisenburg compensators work. Crow: [Skye] Very well, thank you. > He was wrong, All: [gasp] A self-insertion? Wrong? Fie upon you, blasphemous heathen! > but either way, it still felt > like someone had loaded him into a gun and pulled the trigger. > Crow: [Mac] Well, that would certainly get you thrrrust. Tom: Speaking of which, let's shoot outta here. [Exit theater. 1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOAR Bridge. Everything is quiet.] Mike: I don't get it. MW: Well, these are supposed to be the coordinates. This clue was explicit. Gypsy: I'm getting nothing in the way of scans. There are no life forms or planets nearby.... Crow: Just that ship over there. Tom: Just that...That must be what we're looking for! Mike: Hail them. Crow: Uh, you know, they might mean something else.... Mike: I said, hail them. Crow: I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, how important is the universe, really.... Mike: I gave you an order! Crow: [sighs] Okay. [Opens hexfield] Oh, Bot in heaven, hallowed be thy RAM.... [Hexfield opens to reveal a bridge. In the center seat is a female, around 17, blonde, and wearing a captain's uniform. Her body form is the fleshy nubileness seen in softcore porn. She is somewhat perky, but the malice truly shows through her glowing eyes. If you don't know who this is, you haven't been paying attention.] All: PICARD!!! MAFP: Ah, Nelson. My old friend. You remember me. And I, of course, remember you. Please allow me to introduce myself anyway.... Tom: Why didn't you tell us?! Crow: I tried to.... Tom: Why didn't you make us listen?! MAFP: I am Princess Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, captain of the Enterprise, founder and commander of the Kids Crew, heir to the throne of Essex, head pilot of the Fighter Wings, diplomat extroardinaire, Winner of the Best Dressed Award, MBA at Harvard, Iron Chef and successor to Emeril, Champion of the Nightclub Lounge Piano Artists.... MW: I should have brought a book. MAFP: ...Two Year Champion of the Elvis Look-Alike competition, bestselling author, Winner of the "Why I Hate Awards" contest, and President of the Title-Haters Association of the Federation. Would you like me to recite my non-pertinent titles now? Gypsy: Man, how do you sign your checks? MAFP: I, of course, know who you are. I've read what you said about me, and I find those claims of me being power-mad...insulting. [She sips from a glass, then spits it out.] Gaahhh. This strawberry juice is an undrinkable 21 degrees Celsius. Yeoman! [A female in a Yeoman's uniform runs in. She is a little older, in her late 20s. She is also human, but her hair is dyed green. She also wears large round glasses. She is Juliet Youngren.] JY: Yes, Captain. Sorry Captain. MAFP: Yeoman Youngren, I told you to keep this juice at 17 degrees Celsius, did I not? JY: Yes, Captain. Sorry, Captain. MAFP: And I told you! No titles! JY: Yes, Captain. Sorry, Captain. MAFP: Silence! Yeoman, I want my juice cooled, my pillow fluffed, my messages collated and sorted in alphabetical order! Then I want my room cleaned until it's sterilized. And I want it done NOW! But most of all, try to have fun. JY: Yes, Captain. Sorry, Captain. Will do.... [JY and Mike Nelson's eyes meet, and all falls silent. Somewhere, an orchestra begins playing "Strangers in the Night." Make the effects as cheesy as you'd like. Distracted, Julie trips, spilling juice all over MAFP. Marrissa screams.] JY: Oh, gosh, Sir! Sorry, Sir. Please, don't hurt me.... MAFP: Guards. I think that Julie needs some security training. Run her through...The Intruder Drill. JY: No! NO!!!! Please, it'll never happen again. I swear...NO!!! Mike: Leave her alone, you bully! [Everyone freezes in terror] Mike: You heard me. She's just doing her best, and I think you should be ashamed of yourself for acting so barbaric. Tom: [whispering] Mike, this is not a good idea. Crow: [whispering] This is Marrissa. Ratliff's Uber-Goddess. MAFP: Very well. I'll spare her, for now. But I intend to deal with you, first. Tom: Romulans accidentally eject warp core. Crow: Maquis suddenly become ineffective. MAFP: You, who embarrased me. You, who dare to question my wisdom. And now, Forrester tells me that you intend to humiliate me and steal my scepter and humiliate me. Tom: Remember how she celebrates her wedding day? Crow: Oh, they're retreating? Vaporize them, anyway. Shoot them in the back. Mike: What's your point? MAFP: Why do you do that, when all I wish is to bring order and Virginian values to the galaxy? Why, just the other day, I locked Sharon and Arafat in a room together so that they might hammer out an agreement. MW: [whispers] Psst! The scepter. That's the key. MAFP: And now, I must take care of you. Do you choose to surrender? Or do you choose death? Mike: Neither. I choose to defeat you. MAFP: Yet another fool for an enemy. Very well, prepare your ship for atomic.... Mike: Not your ship. You. At your game. MAFP: Pardon? Mike: You choose a holodeck game. I'll play it. If I win, you give me the scepter and your Yeoman and let us on your way. MAFP: And if I win? Mike: Uh, do you like Bob Denver music? MAFP: Destroy them. Mike: If you win, I'll take your current Yeoman's place. Bots: MIKE!!!! MW: That's touching. Stupid, but touching. MAFP: Well... Mike: Unless you're afraid of losing. MAFP: I never lose. [Gets angrier] I...NEVER...LOSE!!! MIke: Then it's a deal? MAFP: Very well. I accept. [Scene. Interior of a runabout.] MAFP: [O.S.] The game is "Yankee, Go Home." You fly your shuttle from one base to another, trying to avoid asteroids, enemies, and the other player. You have shields, warp and sensors, but no weapons. Neither do I. Ready? Mike: Let's go! [Fly the shuttle through the space, which looks kind of like the "Frequency" music grid.] MAFP: [O.S.] Impressive. Mike: I'm winning. I'm going to win. MAFP: [O.S.] I said I never lose! [A photon torpedo misses Mike's shuttle by inches.] And I meant it! [Now, you must avoid Marrissa's shooting. Easy if you recognize her firing pattern or use the rear-view sensors.] [Mike's shuttle lands in base.] Mike: Okay, Marrissa. A deal's a deal. Now pay up! [MAFP shuttle starts firing on the base and into the hanger.] MAFP: Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Even when I lose, I win! Die, Wisconsin Boy!!! [Her shuttle begins to take phaser damage] MAFP: What? [There is a third shuttle, manned by Gypsy and Julie.] JY: Miss Captain, Sir? I QUIT!!! [MAFP's ship explodes] Gypsy: Mike, we disabled the ship's shields and stole her scepter. Mike: [O.S.] How? Gypsy: Don't you remember all those stories? The Enterprise security team is so bad, a 12-year-old could take over this ship. Now, prepare to beam up. Mike: Yes, ma'am. And Gypsy? Good work. CONTINUED in Part 8