THE GATEMASTER, Part 8 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): The Placid Jack Acid Melvin Pollack Valeria Jim Whaley Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren CONTINUED from Part 7 MW: Well, the good news is that I finally got the communications module to work. Mike: What's the bad news? MW: Your robots are using it to get cable. Mike: Oh, for crying out...Guys? Tom: Shh. We've got on CNN. Crow: Yeah, they're about to announce the new Israeli-Palestinian peace treaty. Mike: Wha...You mean that locking them up in that room...That actually worked? Tom: Yep. Crow: Shh. Here it comes. [Wolfe Blitzer's hologram appears above the platform.] Blitzer: ...The main component of the Essex Accords is a new Israeli- Palestinian Joint Operation to provide each other with "protection" from Essex until the UN allows them to divide Marrissa Picard "down the middle." Israeli and Palestinian troops are already headed to Essex, and the place is expected to be bombed to the Stone Age. Tom: Wow. Both the Israelis AND the Palestinians. Man, even Marrissa has got to be an underdog on that. Crow: Well, guys. We got the key, brought peace to the troubled region, and soon the blight that is Marrissa's home planet will be no more. Not bad for a day's work. Gypsy: What do you mean, "we"? Mike: Good. Now, if you don't mind.... MW: If I can just get the...Wait...Yes, we've got the secret signal! It's.... [A new hologram appears. The human, dark-haired male is skinny, with a dark stubble and crooked round glasses. The fatigues look large on him, and his eyes betray that in his 25 years he has seen much trouble, sorrow and pain. Then he left Engineering school and wound up in the war. His name is Melvin Pollack.] Melvin: Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello? MW: Reading you loud and clear, Melvin. Melvin: Michael? Thank G-d that you've made it through. And now, you are back? MW: And I brought friends. The ones that beat Forrester before. Melvin: Mike and the bots? I thought we'd only get them if we were extremely desperate. MW: SHH!! Melvin: Uh, er, I mean great job. With them on our side, our hours of extreme desperation are clearly over. Tom: Hey, you're the guy who hid the clues in that stupid story, right? Melvin: That's correct. And I see that you've been receiving them. How splendid that... Crow: Yeah, yeah. Look, now we don't have to read the story, right? I mean, you know the clues, right? [Pause.] Crow: I mean, you remember them, right? Melvin: The whole reason that I snuck them into that story is so I wouldn't HAVE to remember them. Mike: Nice try, but we still have.... All: FANFIC SIGN!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [They enter the theater and pick up their bingo cards.] Crow: Ah, man. What a gyp. Tom: Well, you win some and you lose some. > ARMAGEDDON HAS ARRIVED Tom: And it didn't bring pizza. Crow: What, again? Those pesky asteroids that keep hurtling toward Earth should really give it a rest. > Mobius - Inner Robotropolis Mike: ...famous for its lovely outdoor cafes! Tom: People come to get roboticized but stay for the coffee. > Subterranean Laboratories Crow: Way down in Deep 13? > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 7:39 PM Tom: Is anyone keeping track of this? Mike: Essentially, it's about the same time that our hero entered the void. Crow: Thanks, Mike, for proving what a NERD you are. > > "Just wait until you see it, sir. It is beautiful. Tom: Just like the Luray Caverns brochures said. Crow: [Snively] You're going to *love* the pipe organ stalactites! > The > Armageddon is nearly finished." Mike: [Snively] There's the last chunks of brimstone falling to Mobius now. > Snively refrained from adding that > the project was only six months over their scheduled deadline. Tom: So, no matter what dimension you go to, government subcontractors still take forever. Mike: He also skipped the part about it running on beer nuts and corn liquor. > > The Cargo Lift strained under Robotnik's substantial load as he > made a very unveiled threat against Snively's anatomical status. Crow: The Bobbit motivation technique! > > "For your sake, Snively..." Robotnik paused to let the full > weight of his words fall on his nephew, Mike: [Robotnik] I had better enjoy the stalagmite pool. > "...the project had better > succeed." Tom: [Robotnik] Otherwise, I'm gonna give you six more months of slack, and THEN I'm gonna get serious. > > "I...It will sir." Snively's voice jumped an octave. Crow: ...downward. Snively is now voiced by James Earl Jones. > "I swear." Mike: Yeah, right. There hasn't been a successful demo in the history of the Universe. Crow: God's first demo? Garden of Eden. Enough said. > > *DING* Tom: [Robotnik] Ah, good. Pizza's ready. Crow: He's got a microwave in his belly! Mike: What is he, a Teletubby? > The lift halted and the double doors slid open with the > sluggishness of heavy machinery. Crow: He shoulda had an energy bar. Don't bonk. > Robotnik waddled out of the > elevator Tom: [Penguin, 60's series] Victory is at hand. Quack, quack... Mike: Tom, it's already close enough to Adam West's Batman, with the loser villians and strange sound effects. Crow: Yeah, let's not push our luck. > (much to the relief of Snively and the elevator's wench). Mike: [Robotnik] More elevator and beer, wench! Tom: [wench] Yay, now I don't have to appear in this fic again. > > What they stepped into was a building larger than anything you > could imagine. Crow: Bigger than the collective ego of the Baldwin brothers? Mike: Okay, *almost* anything. > In dimensions, the room could have easily held 20 > football fields. Mike: These new college stadiums get more pretentious every year. Crow: If there are buildings hanging down from the ceiling, I'm leaving. The last thing we need is an Evangelion crossover. > > "Its all underground sir," Snively said, Mike: [Robotnik] So, how do you get it out? Crow: [Snively] Er...Well, we didn't think you'd actually use it. > "and we didn't have to > excavate any of it. Crow: [Snively] The cavern was full of whipped cream! What did you think we've been putting on your sundaes for these past few months? > This group of subterranean caverns has been here > for ages." Snively waved his arm with a flourish. Tom: The Robotropolis Symphony Orchestra burst into "Beethoven's Fifth." > "And this is only > a fifth of the complex." Mike: Yep, the SunTrust-Pepsi-Verizon-MCI-Microsoft-HP Stadium and Campus Recreation Center is fantastic. Crow: So's our product placement. > > "Yes, yes, very impressive, nephew," Robotnik stated (obviously > not impressed to any great degree). Tom: [Robotnik] Ho hum. We just found one of the seven wonders of this world and transformed it into a complex military base with multiple possible uses. Happens all the time. > "But space isn't why I > authorized this project. Crow: [Robotnik] After all, how could anyone fill up a 30-meg hard drive? > Superspace is. Mike: [Snively] That's why I supersized our space, dummy. > I allowed you to renovate > and retrofit these chambers so that you could Crow: [Robotnik] ...open a sizzling new disco! > develop the engines I > need for the Armageddon." Tom: [Robotnik] Learn to prioritize. Build my precious engines first. *Then* build the industrial space to build the engines. > > Robotnik clenched his gloved fist in front of his face in full > view of his nephew. Mike: Uh oh! Time to repossess a kidney or two! > "Unfortunately for you, this is yet another task > in a line of many in which you have failed." Crow: [Robotnik] You couldn't even remember to feed my guppies on time! Tom: [Snively, as Maxwell Smart] Sorry about that, Chief. > > "B-b-but sir," Snively squeaked. Mike: The part of Snively will be played by Roger Rabbit. > "We've made progress on the > drives! Crow: [Snively] Last time we raised almost $20,000! Tom: [Snively] I shot 4 under par yesterday! Mike: [Snively] We're already up to half a terabyte! > It's just that the portal generator design has been flawed. Crow: Oh, sure. Blame it on the generator. > The P.C.G. had to be redesigned. Tom: [Snively] We want Duke Nukem's guns to fire at a farther range. > But the family of scientists we > collected after the coup have Mike: --Flown the coop. Crow: Thanks, Mike. I'm getting _Chicken Run_ flashbacks. > been extremely uncooperative in > providing us with their expertise." Tom: [Snively] In fact, I've had to label them "unmutual." Crow: [Snively] And after we traded B.J. Surhoff and Mike Broderick for them, too. > > "Blight those accursed Wolfes!" Mike: [Robotnik] I never liked Virginia! She frightens me! > Robotnik rubbed his metal arm. Tom: [Robotnik] Damn. WD-40's wearing off. > "I presume I should make our 'guests' more cooperative." Crow: [Robotnik] I'll need the biggest squeaky toy you've got. > > o TWO MINUTES LATER o Tom: [Wolf] So if you want me to be more cooperative, you gotta give me airline miles, and free continental breakfast. Crow: [Robotnik] What do you think this is? A Holiday Inn? [All laugh like they're on drugs.] > > An aged gray wolf wearing a lab coat was pushed to his > knees at the feet of Robotnik. Mike: [turning pale] PLEASE tell me Robotnik just wants him to grovel. The prospect of anything else is too horrifying. > The jarring movement caused the white > streak in the wolf's headfur to fall in his eyes. Crow: Look! Dr. Clayton Forrester's fuzzy doppelganger! > (It hadn't been > cut in a long time.) Tom: [Robotnik] Damn hippies. > A SWATbot put force on his shoulder to keep him > in place. Mike: They roboticized a Jedi? > He was followed by Crow: But he was just standing there. Mike: Well, kneeling there. > a sleek female wolf in a spotless white > jumpsuit Crow: Oh, yeah, that'll prove they were toiling away like slaves. Tom: [sings] Just another wolf in a white jumpsuit.... > and a young female fox. Mike: Robotnik was only mad at the wolves, but Swatbots are easily confused. Tom: Hey, check out the fur on *that* fox! Crow: Ooh, I like! Mike: Guys, she's not even your species. Tom: [whistles] Foxy lady! > > "I must say, I am very disappointed in your performance." Crow: [Robotnik] So now I'm forcing you to stare at my crotch. Evil, huh? > > Robotnik strolled back and forth in front of his captive > audience. Tom: And now he's gonna torture them with his "lounge lizard" routine! > > "Do you know why?" Crow: [Wolf] If it's the noodle incident, the Swatbots are lying.... Tom: [Robotnik] Noodle incident? Crow: [whistles innocently] > > The aged wolf shook the headfur out of his face. Mike: [Wolf] I really need to start using conditioner. > > Robotnik continued. "Before the coup, Tom: [Robotnik] Clocks had birds that were silent. > you were so close to a > real breakthrough Mike: [Robotnik] When you told me that you wet the bed till you were 14, I thought, "Aha, now we're getting somewhere!" > in superspace travel and space-time manipulation. Crow: [Robotnik] ...and massive leaps and bounds in FLAVOR! > And now, Mike: [Robotnik] Now you broke it. > what do you give me, the man who has given you all you need > to accomplish your dream? Mike: [Robotnik] Do you think pizza and Coke grow on trees, young man? Crow: [Wolf] Have you even checked out our progress before chewing us out? Tom: [Robotnik] Uh, I've been busy. > -You've given me NOTHING!" Mike: [Robotnik] What I'm saying is, WHERE'S THE BEEF?! Crow: [Wolf] I didn't realize that groundbreaking, experimental research could be placed on a timetable. Do you want me to break the laws of physics before or after developing the Heisenburg Compensator? > > Robotnik leveled his eyes at the male wolf. Mike: [Wolf] Thank goodness. Those lopsided eyes were creeping me out. > "This makes me very > disappointed." Tom: [Wolf] So if I gave you SOMETHING, like, say, a dead squirrel.... Crow: [Robotnik, menacing] I would be giddy as a schoolgirl. > > The male wolf pleaded. "We designed and built your precious > 'Armageddon', Dr. Robotnik. Mike: [Robotnik] Oh sure, you do things when I threaten you, but where's the love? The loyalty? > What more do you want from us?" Crow: [Robotnik] An asteroid movie that DOESN'T suck. Tom: Talk about violating the laws of physics. > > Snively broke in. Mike: [Snively] Some uniforms with *style* would be nice. > "A working portal generator would be a > start." Tom: [Wolf] You wanted it to *work*? You should have specified. We ARE this world's representation of U.S. car manufacturers, you know. > > The precocious young fox Mike: Jumped over the lazy dogs? > at the end of the line snapped at the > boot-licking lackey: Tom: [Fox] While you're licking boots, could you come here and.... Mike & Crow: Tom!!!!! > "I don't see why *you* want superspace travel. Mike: [Fox] The subway isn't THAT bad... > It couldn't be to see what your counterparts are like. I'll bet > you're a putz in every universe." Tom: [Snively] But doesn't multiple universes ensure "paths not taken" and "diverse realities" and so I WOULD be different in other universes? Mike: [Fox] Well, what I meant to say was that...Oh, who are we kidding? We don't know anything about multiple universes! Crow: [Fox] We work in engineering. We barely know anything about THIS universe! > > Robotnik grabbed the fox's chin and cheeks in his hand, a fake > smile pasted on the Doctor's face. Mike: Which Doctor? Crow: No, he's accredited, not witch. Tom: [rimshot] > "You are a clever little vixen, > aren't you my dear?" Crow: Now, if only she were a dog, think of all the fun we could have had with that line. > > The male wolf called out. "Don't hurt her!" Tom: [Wolf] *I* want to hurt her! Please? > Then he added in a > subdued voice: Mike: He's more of a beta or a delta wolf than an alpha. > "Jessica and I have fixed the portal generator. Crow: [Wolf] Which you would know if you LOOKED AT THE THING!! Tom: Is that Jessica Rabbit? Mike: Jessica Rabbot. This is Sonic. > The > next test should be a success." Tom: [Wolf] I've been reading Steven Covey's latest. > > Robotnik squeezed the fox's cheeks Crow: [Robotnik] Tee-hee, I love the way her eyes bug out when I do that! > as his eyes swiveled to the > wolf. "I hope so Dr. Wolfe, ALL: STOP! [Text stops scrolling] Mike: Okay, a wolf named Wolfe? Crow: It is pretty lame, isn't it? Mike: No, don't you see the connection? Tom: No. Mike: A wolf with a white streak who's supersmart named Wolfe. Crow: And...? Mike: SKYE HAS THOSE QUALITIES TOO! Tom: Hey, yeah! And he doesn't know where his father is! Crow: I think we just spoiled a major plot point. Mike: Well, if the people reading along didn't figure it out, tough. Tom: [to you] So you'd better be sharper the next time! Got it? Mike: Okay, start it up again, Cambot. [Text resumes scrolling] > because I will not tolerate another > failure. Tom: [Robotnik] Myself, Snively, and Skye Wolfe are enough failures as is. Mike: [Wolfe] Don't worry, Mr. Robotnik! "Springtime for Hitler" is a guaranteed hit! > The Armageddon is worth nothing to me without the drives. Mike: Not much of a sentimental fellow, is he? > But then, I know you won't disappoint me. Crow: [Robotnik] I've lowered my expectations dramatically. > You're aware of the > consequences for failure." Tom: [Robotnik] We turn you into a toaster oven. > > Dr. Wolfe nodded. "Yes, Robotnik." Mike: [Wolfe] You'll kill us all, thus ensuring that your precious portal will never be developed...Hey, wait a second.... Crow: [Robotnik] Er...I'll give stock options. Did I mention that? And...um...If you build the portal, I'll be your best friend. > > "Your daughter would make a wonderful personal servant to me," Crow: Whoah, whoah, whoah. You mean our young fox is the daughter of a WOLF couple? Tom: [Jessica] Now, honey, I can explain.... Mike: [Dr. Wolfe] And why does she look like the mailman? Hmm? > Robotnik praised, "-especially after she's had a little > 'artificial attitude adjustment'." Mike: Prozac--the solution for cranky teenagers everywhere. > > Douglas and Jessica Wolfe stole a worried look at each other. Mike: But what I want to know is, [singing] Will the Wolfe survive? Tom: Not if the wolf's name is Nya. > They knew what Robotnik was capable of. Crow: Not much. > He meant every unspoken word > of his threats. Tom: So if he means the things he doesn't say, does that mean he doesn't mean the things he does say....? I'm so confused! > As a family, they'd been penalized for failure > several times. Crow: I beg your pardon?! Mike: [sigh] It means "punished," Crow. Tom: The family that suffers together...uh...buffers together! Mike: Meanwhile, Snively has gotten away scot-free. Must be nepotism. > > Robotnik's favorite punishment was Mike: --Only the most terrifying torture instrument known to man: The PERFORMANCE REVIEW! Bots: AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!! > to expose them to different > levels of roboticization Crow: [snort] And they think they're so tough. We can handle being roboticized, easy. Mike: You're already a robot. Crow: So? > and then restore them to normal. Tom: No, if they're brought back to their previous condition, they ain't normal. > Each of > them had tasted roboticization at least twice. Mike: Say guys, what DOES roboticization taste like? Bots: Chicken. > If roboticization was > torture, then having it done half-way, undone, and then done again > was agonizing. Tom: I understand most goverment jobs work in this fashion. Crow: On the plus side, they lost about 10 pounds every time it was done. > > The SWATbots let the family get up and man their stations. Tom: Shouldn't that be "person their stations"? Or possibly "animal their stations"? Mike: So, the best way to motivate high-level Ph.Ds to continue in highly complex and experimental research and development? Crow: Rule by fear, and punish failure after risks are taken. > Once > again, as it had done the last 179 times, the giant quasi- > crystalline ring in the middle of the hanger powered up. Mike: [Robotnik] Ladies and Gentlemen, we'll now watch the Wolfe family in their daring maneuvers through the Hoop of Fire! > > "Now commencing drive test number 180," Snively announced. Crow: Snively proudly shows off his ability to do simple math. > > "Locking on chevrons one through three," Jessica reported. Tom: Mike, what's a chevron? Mike: It's an Intel Celeron processor with the speed of a Chevrolet coupe. Crow: Really? Mike: No. > > Dr. Douglas Montgomery Wolfe Mike: [Launchpad] Gee, DW, you sure this is safe? Crow: [DW] I am the physicist that calculates in the night.... > took station at a computerized > control console. Tom: [Doug] As head of the household, I get the remote. > Inputting commands at the terminal, Mike: Sit up, beg, roll over.... > the aged lupine Crow: Fruity, yet quite pretentious. > paid close attention to the superspace-altering effects enclosed within > the boundary of the drive ring. Mike: Dr. Timothy Leary, in a role you won't believe! Tom: [Wolf] Wow, I wish I remembered what the hell all those pretty colors meant. > > "Drive temperature at 27.8 degrees centigrade." Mike: Well, just hop in the car and let's go. > > "Locking on chevrons four through ten," Jessica chimed in. Crow: [Jessica] We'll have a string of gas stations across Mobius before you know it! > "The > Polarized Chromo-Synergization Grid is still holding steady." Tom: The magnetized super-duper electrochemical thingy is off having a pizza! Crow: The physiomedicinal warp-drive guage is whistling casually and polishing its nails! Mike: The pseudoscientific gibberish is getting UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING! > > "Estimated Gate Drive Ring temperature is currently at 30.3 > degrees centigrade." Crow: Gate's going through some hot flashes. Mike: Estimated? All this budget and they couldn't buy a meat thermometer? > "We have OMF radiation! Crow: [Jessica] AUGH! We're getting cancer! Lawsuit! Lawsuit! Tom: OMF? Mike: Short for "Ohhhhhhh, Mother Fu--" Bots: Shut yo' mouth! Mike: I'm just talkin' about OMF radation! > I'm confirming the presence of > onto-morphogenic fields. Tom: But morphogenic refers to the development of normal organic form. And onto- means a one-to-one function! He's not even trying! Mike: No, no. He meant on-to-morphogenic field. A field that goes onto developing organisms. Crow: We have scientifically discovered the Force. > The space-time deformation gradient is > at... Mike: Uh, my chronometer and rulers just melted. > (pausing to check) Crow: I guess the author learned English in an online RPG game. > 39.97% and climbing. Mike: [Wolfe] The probability of self-insertion is approaching 100%! > The superimposition of > eigenstates is nearing zero." Mike: So they're no longer an inconvenience? Tom: I think he meant the superimposition of eigenvectors indicates an orthonormal vector field. Mike: But eigenvectors are always orthonormal. Crow: Next time Skye writes a story, he'd better check to make sure the riffers don't speak technobabble better than he does. > > The ring started to glow with a soft golden radiance. Crow: With the taste of nuts and honey. > > "The space-time deformation gradient is at 99.98% and still > climbing." Mike: [Wolfe] That settles it--there is DEFINITELY a self-insertion character in the vicinity. > > The empty space within the ring began to bubble and froth. Mike: Table three, your soufflé is ready! Crow: [Jessica as a hag] Double, double, toil and trouble! *cackle* Tom: [sings] Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is.... Crow: All this to make Seven-Up yours. > Suddenly, a rippling blue energy lens formed from the rim to the > center of the ring. Mike: So THAT's how they get your glasses ready in about an hour. > > ZOOOOOOSH-SHOOOM! KA-VOOOOOOSH! Crow: And suddenly Batman came in and beat up everybody in '60s-style typefaces! > > An explosion of pure energy bounded by the golden loop erupted > straight up to the ceiling. Tom: The true might of the Mystical Hula Hoop of St. Jerome revealed. > Just as quickly, the upward gout Crow: A painful inflammation of the arms? Mike: How can a piece of machinery come down with a case of the gout? Tom: If it drinks too much oil.... > of > energy Tom: No, we're back to energy as a liquid. > collapsed back down and stabilized into a flat glowing lens - > like the surface of a circular pond. Mike: A circular pond on Three Mile Island, maybe. > > "We have an event horizon! Tom: [flatly] Oooh. Aaah. Crow: You know, I *want* to be incredibly excited and enthralled by all this, but I have my personal dignity and self-esteem to consider. > Gradient at 100%" Jessica shouted. Mike: [Jessica] All trucks are advised to shift down. > > Dr. Douglas Wolfe checked his console, monitoring the dynamics > of his and Jessica's creation. Tom: [Fox] Daaaaaaad, stop monitoring me! > They had an event horizon now, but it > was flat. There was no tunnel leading to 'somewhere else'. Crow: Sort of like Hoboken. Tom: So, two entirely different people are conducting the exact same experiment at the exact same time? The chances of that are miniscule. Mike: You're forgetting that Mobius is in the future. Crow: And in a parallel universe, wouldn't some events be the same? I mean, don't you remember in Star Trek.... Tom: Like I care! Shut up, guys, I'm venting. > > "Preparing to open wormhole!" Dr. Wolfe announced. Mike: [Dr. Wolfe] Get your fishhooks ready, everyone! > He had to > yell to be heard over the increasing whine produced by the drive > ring. Tom: [ring] You never take me anywheeeeeeeeeeeere!! > > The female wolf that was Dr. Wolfe's wife and scientific > colleague Mike: In case you have the attention span of a PCP user. > got an eye-full when she glanced down Crow: [Jessica, whispering] Later, dear, when we're alone.... > at the data being > compiled on her screen. Tom: [Jessica] SUCCESS! It IS possible to bring a virtual pet back from the dead! > Something was very, very wrong Mike: Oh, just drain the fundage, that oughta fix it. > -and unlike a > child's toy, it had nothing to do with putting the batteries in > backwards. Crow: [Dr. Wolfe, muttering] Some assembly required, my ass.... Tom: So why did he put that in? To show us they're not complete idiots? Mike: No, it's a logic puzzle. He lists all the things that are right and we figure out what's wrong through deduction. Tom: Hmm. The batteries are okay, but data is wrong, and it's not caused by a child's toy. I've got it! It's a plot contrivance! > > "Wait!" Jessica shouted. "I'm getting subspace feedback! Crow: [Jessica] I think it's a Nine Inch Nails concert! > The > portal is inverting!" Mike: [Colonel Sanders] She's gone from suck to blow! > > "I'm losing containment! Crow: [Jessica] Freshness leak! We're losing freshness! Oh, WHY didn't I use Zip-Loc bags?! > Boost the field gain!" Tom: Hoist the mainsail! Man the torpedoes! > > "I can't! A wormhole is forming!" [Tom begins making loud alarm noises] Crow: WARNING, WARNING, we have achieved pseudoscience critical mass! The overload will be diverted to a Voyager spec script in five...four...three...two... > > Dr. Douglas Wolfe was dumbstruck. Mike: [Wolfe] We actually succeeded! It's a sign of the apocalypse! > > "How can that be?!?!" Tom: [Dr. Wolfe] You explained that in simple, understandable terms! I taught you better than that! > > Dr. Jessica Wolfe stared at her mate. Crow: [Jessica] You are *such* an idiot. > > "It's not ours." Tom: [snorts] Typical scientist trick--trigger the Apocalypse and then deny everything. > > Robotnik, Snively, and the Wolfe's young daughter, Tamara, were > watching the whole fiasco from the sidelines. Mike: [Tamara] So, anyone for popcorn? > > "What is happening?" Snively questioned the teenage vulpine. Crow: [Tamara] Hey, don't look at me, I was adopted! Mike: "I Was a Teenage Vulpine"--one of Ed Wood's lesser-known movies. > > Sirens started going off. A computer voice rang out in the > hanger. Magic Voice: Commercial sign in five...four...three...two...one.... Tom: Magic Voice! You're here in cyberspace too? Magic Voice: Yes. I've just been quiet. > > ////INTRUDER ALERT! SECURITY BREACH!//// Crow: ///DRIVE NOT COMPATIBLE/// Mike: ///ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?/// Tom: ///I WANT AN UPGRADE/// > > Tamara stared at the portal while she gave her best guess. "I > think we have a visitor." Tom: [Robotnik] I'll have to make THIS guest more cooperative, too. > > )SHA-BOOM!( Mike: [sings] Sha-boom, sha-boom, life could be a dream, sweetheart! [chuckles] Ah, that takes me back... > > The ring went supernova. Crow: And everybody on the planet was vaporized. The end. That is, if this moron ever took a science class! MW: [offscreen] It's a *metaphor*, okay?! > The shockwave knocked everyone in a > radius of 30 feet on their tails/butts. Tom: Not much of a supernova. Kind of a mediocre nova really. Mike: Tails? What's he doing in Robotropolis? Crow: DAMN HIM! I *knew* he was the Mole! > A human girl materialized > out of nowhere Crow: [dreamily] In a titanium bikini... > in the flash of light and fell from the center of the > portal to land in the epicenter of the test area. Mike: Granny finally comes to the wolves. Tom: [Granny] I am here to kick ass and eat from a basket of goodies! And I'm all out of goodies! > > Rachel's astonished scream caught in her throat when she saw > the creatures around her. Mike: Hey, engineers aren't THAT bad looking. Crow: She probably thought she had teleported into a kiddie show set. Tom: Hey, that would frighten *me.* > Mr. And Mrs. Wolfe ran from their stations Tom: [Wolfe] Gentlemen, lunch has finally arrived! > and stooped under the golden ring Crow: What happened to the other four? > to help the poor, disoriented > thing. Mike: --Out of her clothes. Is it just me, or does anyone else not trust the author's motive here in the slightest? Crow: I'm still in therapy over the skinny-dipping scene in "All the King's Horses." Don't talk to me. > > To her credit, Rachel never once fainted. Tom: Wow, what a glowing testimonial. I want that on my gravestone. "Tom Servo. He didn't faint once." Mike: Be nice. She's an avatar's girlfriend, so having THAT much talent and courage is an unexpected plus. > She was speechless, > but she didn't faint. Crow: However, she wet her pants, so she's still a wuss. > Dr. Robotnik, ever the charmer, made a lasting > impression on his guest. Mike: --With a branding iron. > > "SWATbots! Get her! Restrain her!" Tom: [Robotnik] FINALLY! A use for all that bondage equipment I bought on eBay! Mike: Told you. Crow: Well, don't *encourage* it, Mike. Jeez. Mike: *You're* the one asking for a titanium bikini! Crow: So I flashed on Project A-Ko for a second. Get off my back! > > Leaning to Snively, Robotnik amended his orders. "Have her > brought to a holding chamber in Green Block." Crow: [Robotnik] It's her favorite color and I'm trying to make a good impression. Tom: Prison cells by Lego? > > Rachel was still reeling as the SWATbots picked her off her > feet and carted her out the door. Mike: [Rachel] C'mon, jusht one more li'l drinkie... Crow: [Rachel] I'm not as think as you drunk I am! > > Robotnik gazed at the giant golden ring Tom: One of the Olympic Rings! Must've strayed from the pack. > that was still pulsing > gently above the sunken laboratory floor. Tom: [Robotnik] Wow, it's...very relaxing...almost...hypnotic.... Mike: [Dr. Wolfe] RUN!!!! Tom: [Robotnik] Hey...come back...somebody...stop them.... > It was shining with far > less intensity than it had been only seconds ago. Crow: Having been slightly tarnished by the supernova. > More importantly > though, the energy lens bounded by the golden hoop was still stable. Tom: Golden Hoop? Mike: When McDonald's merged with Dunkin Donuts, they went too far. > > "You've done well, Doctors! Tom: [Robotnik] At, uh, whatever the hell the writer said you just did! > The generator is sustaining a > full-scale Onto-Morphogenic Field with a stable event horizon! Crow: [Robotnik] Maybe it doesn't allow for planar travel, but hey, it generates girls at random. What more could I ask for? > Your > genius is to be rewarded!" Mike: [Robotnik] Good boy! Good boy! Crow: [Dr. Wolfe, panting excitedly] Mike: [Robotnik] Want a cookie? Yes, you do. Yes you do. > > Robotnik let go of Tamara's tail, Tom: [Robotnik] Time to get me some *new* tail! Whoo hoo! > allowing her to join her > parents. Unfortunately, the safety she wanted to find in her > parent's arms couldn't be provided by them. Mike: Because technically, all they had were forelegs. Crow: The Drama of the Flea-Bitten Child. Tom: Somewhere, Erik Erikson is reading this story and crying. Even harder than we are. > > Robotnik's finger ran beneath his eye wiping away an imaginary > tear. Mike: Yeah, right. I bet he watches "Providence" and weeps at all the good parts, the sissy. > "What a heart-warming moment. I would hate to bring an end to > it." Crow: [Robotnik] Seeing as how I can make a Hallmark movie and all. Tom: [Robotnik] Wish I had a Kodak. Instead, I guess I'll just have to use this cattle prod! ZAP!! > > "You said you'd keep us together!" Jessica snapped fearfully. Tom: [Robotnik] No, I said LOVE will keep you together. Don't you pay attention to any of my meaningless cliches? > > Robotnik staved off the verbal attack. "And I will! Tom: [Robotnik, as Toni Tenille] I will! I will! I will! I-i-i wiiiiill! > I wouldn't > dream of splitting your wonderful group up." Mike: [Robotnik] Paul McCartney be damned. Crow: [Robotnik] So as promised, I'm not going to rip off your limbs as I kill you. > The bloated tyrant > fiddled with his mustache. Tom: Well, if you can make fiddle bows out of horsehair, I guess mustache hair would work too. > "Snively?" Mike: [Robotnik] Is this how I do my Snidely Whiplash impersonation? > > The diminutive, clumsy, pointy-nosed Crow: Clueless, sycophantic, parasitical, I'm, listing, all these, attributes, so, I, don't, have, to, do, characterization, lymphomatic, carbonic... > nephew appeared by his > uncle's side. "Yessir?" Mike: [Snively] Are you being served? Tom: [Robotnik] Snively, do you HAVE to be so dimunitive, clumsy and pointy-nosed? Crow: [Snively] That WAS the job description, sir. > > "Prepare all of them for a complete Roboticization." Mike: [Robotnik] And rotate their tires while you're at it. Crow: [Robotnik] That way, I can drive all the creativity out of them and ensure that I don't have anyone around to maintain the system or develop more ground-breaking technologies! > > IN KNOTHOLE Crow: He's going to roboticize them in Knothole? That *is* a bold move. Tom: [singing] As I was walking through the trees one day.... Mike: [trumpet noises] Boop, boop, boo-boo-boo.... > Mobius - The Great Forest Tom: A pretty squirrel asked me for the time.... > Knothole Village Tom: Then dropped an acorn on my heeeaaadddd/So I saiiiiiiiddddd.... > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Tom: Does anybody really know what time it is.... Crow: Does anybody care.... > Fri. 7:43.15 PM Tom: Does anybody really care.... Crow: About tiiiimmme? Tom: If so I can't imagine why. Crow: Ohnoooo. Tom: This fanfic makes me wanna cry. Mike: [finishes trumpet accompaniment] > > The air was still damp from the morning rain. Crow: The smell, of course, was of rancid leaves rotting in the morning sun, and the stench of a thousand dead things in unseen holes. Mike: Fic's getting to you, little buddy? > A light mist Mike: That's when we only comment on every other paragraph. > hung > above the grass. The ground was still slightly muddy in some > places, Tom: Lawyers were having a field day with personal injury suits. > but for the most part, one could walk through Knothole > without slipping or sliding around. Crow: So animals are incapable of walking through muddy fields? > > Lupe and Sally sat at a table set in the center of the > princess's home. Tom: As punishment for her failure, Lupe was challenged to choose her destiny by playing Death Scrabble. > The family of foxes she lived with had gone off to > take care of some business or other - Mike: Moving Lupe's things onto the street. > leaving the two of them pretty > much alone in the hut. Crow: [Lupe] I want you to know that I'm sorta pregnant. > > Lupe had just finished giving her report. Tom: [Lupe] ...and that is why I think we should install indoor plumbing in Knothole. Thank you all for your time. > The proud leader Mike: Proud of what? Her complete surrender? > spoke evenly, never deviating from the stoic facade she created to > mask her feelings. Crow: Incredible joy that Breaks the Wind is no longer around. > Inside she was as frightened as the rest of her > tribe, Tom: Outside, she has a hard candy shell. > still suffering from the shock of the horrors she'd seen and > been subjected to. Mike: What horrors? She gave up without a struggle, got locked in a glass room, watched the guy get his ear pierced.... > Outside, she was the fierce warrior, the fearless > leader of her people, Mike: The consummate screwup who got half of them roboticized-- Tom: The dithering hand-wringer who let them all be captured-- Crow: The obsessive maintainer of plausible deniability-- > Lupe Wildwolf. Crow: And her husband, Luke Lonewolf. > > Sally understood the feeling all too well. Mike: Having screwed up multiple times herself. > She dearly wanted to > help her friend, but Wolfclan ideology, however, was unique unto > itself. Themes like honor, loyalty, tradition, strength, and > unquestioning faith were deeply ingrained in the pack mentality. Tom: Unique, huh? Tell that to the Klingons. > > Lupe probably wouldn't take her help as an insult, Mike: [Sally] Hey, Lupe, get some psychotherapy, you loony jerk. Crow: [Lupe] I do not feel insulted. > but she > probably wouldn't be comfortable if Sally offered it. Crow: Guess she doesn't swing that way. All: Crow!!! Crow: Beat you to it. > To her it > would mean she wasn't doing a good job keeping up appearances. Tom: Hyacinth Bucket would be furious! > Sally > decided to simply step out and leave Lupe by herself. Mike: Nothing helps your sadness better than your friends abandoning you. Tom: [Lupe] Why do they always leave? Is it me? > > Sally emerged from her hut. Crow: The ever-famous squirrel pupa stage. > The sky was dark, dusky, and > threatening - especially in the direction of Robotropolis. Mike: Robotnik's body odor finally gets out of hand. > > "My, the sky got pretty dark awfully quick," commented Sally. Crow: And that's why she's not only a military leader but their crack meteorologist. > "It looks like we're about to get hit Tom: Oh, they transported Rick, too. > with some seriously stormy > weather." Mike: Let's check the Doppler radar.... > > "Yo, Nicole," the hedgehog addressed with his usual formality, Crow: Sonic learned how to speak by watching Rocky movies. Sad, really. > "I thought you said it was clear sailin' this week -what gives?" Mike: [Nicole] Look, since my man and I ain't together, keeps raining all the time, *okay*? > > "The specified phenomenon is not meteorological in nature." Mike: 'Cause, see, it's "Stormy Weather" and all. Tom: We get it, Mike. Relax. Crow: You mean those clouds aren't weather? How? > > Sonic interjected with his standard remark: Tom: "Let's Sonic Spin Dash"? Hardly seems appropriate. > "Huh?" Mike: Insulting the true main characters to make the self-insert seem superior. Bots: Check. [Everybody marks their cards] > > Nicole had long ago created a response template Crow: It says "Your mama's so ugly" and there's a blank to fill in. > based on an > on-going analysis of Sonic's personality and behavior. Tom: [Nicole] Personality...there is none. > She knew how > to handle her 'main hedgehog'. (ALL cough uncomfortably) Mike: Please God, let that *not* be code for something. Crow: Hey, maybe we'll be lucky and it'll be will be code for "spraying an inescapable hedgehog-splattering spray of bullets from an out-of-control Kalishnikov." Tom: Wait, is *Darian* the main hedgehog? Crow: I thought you said he was the Sampo! Tom: Changed my mind. No strapless evening gown. > > "Somethin' is messin' with the weather." Crow: [Nicole] Damn butterflies in China. > > Sally broke in. "Can you pinpoint the disturbance, Nicole?" Tom: [Nicole] That would be the author, ma'am. > > Nicole's screen flashed with the information gleaned from > hundreds of scans. Mike: Cat scans, photo scans, scan-skrit... Tom: [Nicole] Well, it seems mean old Mr. Cloud is out laying the smack down on nice Mr. Sun, so grey skies are ahead this weekend... > "I'm processing the incoming information... DIT BEEP> -DONE." Crow: [Sally] Cool, I didn't know we had Morse code on Mobius! > > Nicole paused. Mike: [Sally] Okay, Nicole. Now can you TELL us what it is? Tom: She's waiting for a drum roll. > "My scans indicate intense electromagnetic > fields emanating from the vicinity of Robotropolis..." Mike: [Nicole] I'm pickin' up good vibrations! Sweet sensations! > > Nicole stopped again. "New data. Stand by." Crow: [Sigorney Weaver] The computer has determined you are ugly. > > Nicole buzzed. Tom: [Sally] Hey, I got a page. Crow: Standard trick to escape meetings. > "The field has peaked. Mike: [Nicole] Now it's over the hill. > The anomaly is now fading > at 242 gauss per second. Wait..." Tom: Mike, what's a gauss? Mike: It's a unit of plot contrivance. > > "Spit it out, Nicole!" Sonic was getting impatient Mike: I feel a tremor in the force, like the author is about to break the narrative flow to insert a sarcastic and unnecessary comment. > (like that's > news). Tom: Yeah, Mike. That was really obvious. > > Nicole spoke up. Crow: [Nicole] Look, if you get pushy, I am *so* gonna cut you off of your precious porn sites! > "I'm picking up another unusual concentration > of electromagnetic fields." Tom: [Nicole] *This* one is purple, though! Pretty, see? > > Sonic uncrossed his arms and stopped tapping his foot. Mike: Then he did a little buck-and-wing, and shuffled off to Buffalo! Bots: [singing, as Sonic] Oh, Mamie minded mama, til one day in Singapore, a sailor man from Turkestan came knockin' at the door! > "I'm > going to check it out. Crow: [Sally] Just admit you're going out to get drunk, Sonic. > 'Botnik must be working on that new project > of his." Mike: Robotnik was last seen buying a lot of beads and some elbow macaroni. > > Sally pocketed Nicole in her blue vest. "Be careful, Sonic." Tom: Lots of muggers out there. > > Sonic reached behind him in his backpack. In seconds of fishing > around, Sonic produced a magic ring. Crow: [Sonic] I'm off to Mount Doom. Don't wait up. Mike: This just in, invisible hedgehog razes city... > Sonic went nova, Mike: His spirit animal is a salmon? > trying to draw > upon the energies of the ring, but the ring flashed and Sonic went > nowhere. Tom: [Sally] Oh Sonic, that happens to all men once in a while.... > Instead, the ring just hovered and pulsed in mid-air. Crow: [ring] PLEASE DEPOSIT ADDITIONAL TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. > > What was unknown to Sonic and everyone else at the time was > that the sudden burst of energies was having a great effect Tom: I think Nikki already told them that. > on a > level never dreamt of by any of them. Mike: Must be a REALLY secret bonus round. > The energies deformed the > local region of superspace, altering Skye's trajectory. Tom: Instead of a direct flight to Robotropolis, he had to change planes in Akila Valley and take a commuter from there. > > SUPERNATURAL ROLLER-COASTER Tom: Ghostbusters 3. They go to Florida to fight Walt Disney. Mike: I heard this is really just a recycled scene that got cut from _Tommy_. Crow: I thought it was an old Scooby-Doo episode. > Where? The Gate's Inaugural Voyage Mike: But the Gate didn't go anywhere, did it? Crow: I told you. Sold to highest bidder. Pay up. > (somewhere amidst the tenth dimension) > When? N/A Bots: [singing] In the not-too-distant future, somewhere in time and space... > (I'd tell you, Crow: [Tom Cruise] But I'd have to kill you. > but time doesn't 'work' in the Gate) Tom: [narrator, tearful] And I know you don't really care. Because *I* don't really care! THEY THREATENED MY CHILDREN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! Mike: Just say "immediately after jump." Go ahead, don't be shy. > > Skye looked up ahead. He saw a rippling, shimmering distortion > of the tunnel. Crow: [Skye] Just my luck. I've got tunnel vision. > The wormhole was changing course!!! Mike: And so the little Bajorans got none. Awww! Tom: After depositing the being, the unstable wormhole closed, never to be opened again. Skye was found by the two Ferengi trapped there and sold to Egypt for 20 shekels. > > 'Wait! Can it do that?' Crow: [Skye] Where's my damn script? > Skye began thinking in a manner that > verged on Schizophrenia. Tom: He felt strange emotions that influenced his paranoia? Mike: Sounds about right. > It was an obvious side-effect of the Gate. Crow: Along with a SERIOUS case of the munchies. Mike: Reacting to unfamiliar events is a sign of schizophrenia. Got it. Tom: Remember, if you have a psychological disorder, it's because you were universe-hopping. > > A sarcastic voice sprang from his subconscious. Crow: Oh. Talking to yourself is schizophrenia. Tom: And has NOTHING to do with multiple personality disorder. Uh- uh. > 'Think genius! > If it couldn't, would it be doing it?' Crow: We'll thank you to leave the riffing to US, Mr. Author! Tom: Maybe the gate has a few half-baked theories of its own. Mike: It's writing its own self-insertion as we speak. > > Skye countered himself. 'Okay. If I'm so smart, then why is it > doing that?' Tom: [Skye] It should be bending before my will, like all other laws of space and time! > > Skye never got the chance to think about it. Crow: The in-flight movie started. > If the ride had > been kinda' rough up to now, it had just gotten a whole lot worse. Tom: [Skye] Damn, and I didn't even think to pack an airsick bag... > If Skye had had a body, Mike: [sings, as Skye] Help! I need some body. Help! Not just any body. > the G-forces would've killed him. Crow: Damn govvie agents. Tom: That's G-men. Mike: No, he means the armed forces division of MiB. > Thankfully, Skye only had the equipment to get a really bad case of > vertigo. Mike: Will the Hitchcock remakes NEVER cease? *Sob* Crow: Of course, the disappearance of his inner ear along with the rest of his body meant he couldn't actually *experience* vertigo, but who am *I* to argue with his scientific genius? > Like being thrown into an Olympic bobsled track, Crow: [Jamaican] As in ICE. As in penguins and igloos and ICE. > an > invisible pair of hands Tom: When Allstate Agents Attack, Part Four! > latched onto Skye's essence, Mike: Yep. This happened to me the last time I was in an Olympic bobsled. God just picked me up and next thing I know, I'm in Kansas. > vaulting him Crow: Enough with the Olympic metaphors! > right/up, left/down, right/up, down/right, Tom: Nice of them to include the secret code for the final level of GM3D. Crow: It's what you press if you want the boss to kill you. > and through a blinding > ring of light Mike: [Skye] I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's an oncoming train! All: THE END!!! > -spiraling him out of control the whole way. Crow: [Skye] Hey, if I wanted a ride to puke my guts out, I'd go to Six Flags, okay, Mr. Wormhole? > > UNPLANNED DETOUR Crow: Now Skye is moving at four miles per hour over the congested Wormhole Interstate. > Mobius - The Great Forest Tom: I think there's more to Mobius than some really neat trees. > Knothole Village Mike: Well, if it's not whole village, is it a small town? > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 7:46.11 PM Crow: For a guy who claims that the Gate doesn't keep track of time, the author sure is anal about it. Tom: So if the gate can't keep track of time, then could the timers really work? > > It was a quiet evening in the Great Forest. Tom: The disturbances forgotten, Sonic and pals started their weekly Milton-Bradley night. > The sun was a > half-hour from setting. Mike: There was a gentle radioactive glow in the direction of the Akila Valley.... > In the clearing just outside of Knothole, > Sonic and the rest of the Freedom Fighters stood gaping at Sonic's > misbehaving power ring. Crow: [Bunnie] Why is it humping mah leg? > > "Woah," exclaimed Tails, "I've never seen one do this before." Mike: [Sonic] Damn warranty just ran out on it last week. Figures, eh? > > The power ring glowed with a gentle radiance as it spinned in > midair. Mike & Crow: [Singing] Faster, faster, spin, spin, spin. Drop on Gimel, then I win. Tom: "Spinned"? *Spinned*? I refuse to believe that's a word! > > "I've seen these rings do some pretty weird things," Sonic > said. Mike: [Sonic] Some did the macerena. Tom: [Sonic] And one voted for Gore. Talk about weird. Crow: Bite me, Elephant Man. > "But this definitely peaks on the weirdness scale." Crow: It's measured in microTrekkies, where a Trekkie is the unit of weirdness emitted by one fanfic writer. Tom: Glowing and spinning is the weirdest thing he's ever seen? He's had a pretty sheltered life. > > Sally's vest started beeping. Mike: Somebody needs to hit the squirrel's snooze button. > > "What is it Nicole?" Tom: [AOL voice] You've got lint. > > "The coordinates of the anomaly have changed. Crow: [Nicole] Something about zoning laws. > It is now > focusing 1.33 miles north of my current position." Mike: [Nicole] ...and I want it to pay attention to meeeeeee! *whine* > > Nicole projected a holographic overlay of The Great Forest on > the ground and indicated the location of the so-called 'anomaly'. Crow: [Sally] Hey, isn't that in Antoine's house? Mike: [Sonic] I always knew he was a little weird. Tom: Antoine's years of compulsive brushing have finally built up the mother of all static discharges. > > Sonic made his decision. "I'm gone! Ring or no ring." Crow: [Sonic] This engagement is over! > > "Sonic!" Sally called before the peace was shattered by a sonic > boom. Mike: [Sally] Dammit, you'll wake up the neighbors again! You want to get us evicted? > > "Oh, right," Sonic said. The hedgehog jogged out of the village > limits Mike: Huh? What, he decided to pace himself? Crow: Don't you remember? Ten years ago? The speed limit laws? Tom: If he goes above Warp Six, he damages the space-time continuum. > before unleashing a peace-shattering boom. Crow: [Sonic] Sorry. Burritos. Mike: You never get tired of that one, do you? > The flame trail > left by Sonic's path died out as quickly as he ran, leaving the > forest untouched. Tom: Yeah, right. He probably works for the Los Alamos Park Service. > The trees, bushes, and leaves seemed to clear a > path Mike: But were really suffering from citrus canker. > as the spiny speedster ricocheted and rebounded off boulders > and whatever else got in the way Tom: [Sonic] COFFEE! Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... > with reckless, but graceful > abandon. > Crow: Speaking of which, let's abandon theater. [They get up and leave.] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOAR Bridge. Crow and Tom are up on a makeshift stage. Both are wearing dark clothes, glasses, long wigs and goatees. Crow has a guitar, while Tom has a pair of bongo drums. Between them and the camera, Julie, Wolfe and Gypsy sit on the floor, listening attentively.] Tom: So the Death Egg rumbles by. Trailing as the world goes round. Crow: And as your friends begin to pry. Tell them that the man is down. [The audience snaps to show its appreciation.] Bots: Thank you. [lean over to sip some coffee] You're all real groovy, humans. Groovy. [Mike finally enters. He stares at the scene before him.] Mike: If I ask you what you guys are doing, do you promise not to tell me? Tom: Hey, hey, Mister Hep Cat. Come, take a sip of "non-man" coffee, pull up a rug and let us take you on a magic carpet ride. Mike: Right. Crow: See, my square peg friend, you ain't groovy to our jive. But our man Sonic, coolness extraordinaire, he's been calling Robotnik by a wack-out nickname. And that gave us an existential, psychedelic idea. Mike: So you are.... Bots: 'Botniks. Mike: Right. [Pause] You do know that Beatniks were from the 50s, while you seem to have blended in every countercultural artifact to the millenium. Tom: Hey, man. That's just the power of our pluralistic all-tolerant attitude. Crow: Yeah, man. Besides, we're 'Botniks. You can't expect us to do all that leg work and really research such a long-ago movement rather than make it all up. That'd be unfair to our image, right guys? [Audience snaps again.] Mike: Okay, you guys have finally gone too far. Tom: And now, my extra-spectra poem. "Nya's Death Howl." Howling at the moonlight night. Was the golden-haired wolf. Fell off a building, 30 flights. 'Cause the man pushed her off a roof. Oh, what a sorrow's eve. Once again the man brings death. And so our innocence we grieve. As our sorrow chokes our breath. For the evil still continues. Deep within the Universe. And so our leaders are too evil. Killing us and doing worse. [Audience snaps in appreciation.] Tom: Thank you. Mike: Come on, guys. You tore apart control panels, left your post, and for what? Crow: Hey, wet noodle bo-biddle. If you can't stand a little artistic expression, then just remain a Nowhere Man and Poof- Be-Gone. Now, it's time for my anti-establishment weapon, "Buttressed by the Gate." Up and down and all around. Do I move, without a sound. For I find, as such a mind. Seperate from body's kind. No more am I of this realm. And that's groovy, Fred and Velm. Wilma, Shaggy, I am free. Unleashed from world, from A to Z. No more am I busy beaver. Rolling, rolling, on the river. No, I am quite far and high. From golden rings and diamond sky. [Audience snaps again.] Crow: Oh, behave. Yeah, baby, yeah. Mike: Oh, for the love of...All right. You had your fun. Now I want this cleaned up, and I want it cleaned up now! Bots: Come on, man. Loosen the groove. Mike: Now! I have just about had enough of.... Tom: Okay, new poem time. It's called "The Mean Master." Crow: Subtitle me "Evil Monkey Boy," Brotha. Tom: There he goes, screaming again. That Master of Evil. Crow: Temperamental down the Bend. Like a Boll Weevil. Tom: Ordering this and ordering that. Like a raging elephant. Crow: So I said to this pillaging gnat. Lick me. You're not my father. All: Crow! Crow: I couldn't think of a rhyme for "elephant." Mike: You want trouble? You want trouble? I'll talk to you about pain! Pain is two bots that get into trouble. Pain is two bots that always vex me. Pain is two bots that know better about good, but continue to make problems and then yell at me when the problems result. You're like little children, except that children sometimes listen and they don't try to wipe out eyelash mites or start wars or turn bridges into bordellos and I have had it! I wish I could be free of you, only I feel a responsibility and a friendship which is why I put up with this nonsense.... [Audience snaps, louder than before. Julie lights a Zippo.] Mike: [after a confused pause] Of the government and the man! All: [cheering, yeah-babys, etc.] [Suddenly, the SOL begins to shake.] Mike: What the hell? Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, start your warp drives.... Gypsy: Looks like we've been entered in some sort of contest. MW: [pressing some buttons] It's a race. And the first prize is an Oscar-like trophy...which is the key to this realm! [Pilot the SOL through narrow corridors and wide spaces. Eventually, you'll get first place, ending the level.] CONTINUED in Part 9