THE GATEMASTER, Part 9 By Michael Wolfe MiSTed by (in alphabetical order): The Placid Jack Acid Melvin Pollack Valeria Jim Whaley Juliet Youngren Host Segments by Melvin Pollack Riffs Edited by Juliet Youngren CONTINUED from Part 8 Mike: All right, my main brothers. Slap me some skin and pour on the lovin' cause we got it.... Tom: Mike, it's over. That is so five minutes ago. Crow: Yeah. Selling out is the cool thing now. Julie: Say, when they said this statue was Oscar-like...they meant the movies, right? MW: I think so. Why? Julie: Well, this statue is a hermaphrodite. All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! [lights flash] All: FANFIC SIGN! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [They enter the theater and pick up their cards.] > RE-ENTRY Tom: Once more into the abyss, guys. > Mobius - The Great Forest Mike: Sorry. I missed it for the Great Trees. > 1.33 Miles North of Knothole Crow: Actually, it's 1.33333333333333-- Mike: Cut it out. Crow: Sorry. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Tom: Really? I would have guessed sometime in the 42nd century. Mike: It's a comic. Time travels slower than in real life. > Fri. 7:46.12 PM Mike: And time for the weather report. > > In an empty spot in the woods Tom: Bilbo finally stopped running. "Dear me," he said. "The master of evil has placed me in a crappy fanfic." > the soft breeze intensified into > a hard wind. Tom: [Beavis] Heh, heh. He said "intensified." Crow: [Butthead] Huh, huh. Yeah, "intensified" me. Huh. Mike: [sighs] > The wind spiraled towards a privileged point Mike: What's a privileged point? Crow: If you're Republican? Tax cuts and missile defense. Tom: If you're Democrat? Money to people who don't work. Mike: Guys, can't we be bipartisan for ONE chapter? > in space > creating a violent whirlpool. Mike: [deep voice] When good appliances go bad. Crow: [whirlpool] Hey, Maytag! You and that repair guy can JUMP UP MY BUTT!! > From the center of the vortex came Tom: The Power Rangers! > the > familiar rippling effect of a wormhole. Mike: You mean jumping back and forth in time while familiar faces whine at you? > > WHOOOOOOOOSH! The Gate opened. Crow: Sounds like it's a...WATER gate! Hee hee! Get it, guys? Watergate...? > > CHA-BOOM!!! Skye fell from the sky. Tom: [singing] Skye fell very far... Mike and Crow: [joining in] And Kansas, he says is the name of the star... > > ~~ You have no idea how long I've waited to write that. ~~ Tom: You have no idea how long I've waited to read it. So I can FEEL JUSTIFIED IN HUNTING YOU DOWN AND BEATING YOU TO A PULP!!! MW: [O.S.] Just try it, bulb-man. > > Remember, the portal had been perpendicular to the ground. Mike: After constantly repeating items within seconds of each other... Tom: He expects us to remember a minor detail in Part Six. > Here, it was parallel to it. And for the briefest of seconds, the > little hairs in a person's ears Mike: Unless you're 60. Then you can use them as a lasso. > that tell up from down Crow: Your ear-hairs tell you which way is up? Tom: How did humans even survive to evolve? Mike: Our nose hairs tell us which way is progress. > coupled with > the vertigo of the Gate ride Tom: The Gate ride felt dizzy? Crow: Nah. It beamed Skye through a Hitchcock festival. > had Skye feeling like he was going to > 'fall off' the ground. > Mike: Yet another bozo that thinks the world is flat. > "Officer down!" Skye cried out. Crow: This is an episode of "COPS" that thankfully never aired. Tom: Exactly what does this comic relief cause relief from? Mike: The fact that we aren't Skye. > > The disorientation and dizziness faded quickly. The Gate was a > mean roller-coaster, Mike: You'd go halfway through the loop, stop upside down, and the Gate would demand your lunch money. > but at least you couldn't 'fall' out of the > Gate like you could a roller-coaster. Mike: Skye should know. He fell out of roller coasters all the time. Crow: Wait, didn't Rachel fall out? Tom: She was caught in the backwash of the supernova. > > "Woah! Whatta' rush!" Crow: [Skye] Almost as good as the night I drank twelve cans of Jolt in one sitting! > > *Snap* Mike: [Skye] Whoah, man. I think my neck just broke. Groovy. > > As the hurricane of leaves resettled around him, Crow: Harrison Ford is Skye Wolfe in The Fugi-dork. > Skye heard a > twig crack behind him. Tom: Is there a bingo space for super-hearing? Mike: Because he can hear a twig snap over the heavy rustle of leaves and determine its direction? > In a rush of motion, Skye kicked himself Crow: [Skye] D'oh. I should have brought a weapon. > over > to see who was behind him. What he saw was a creature that > definitely wasn't human. Tom: [Skye] Rick! Stop following me! Mike: [Rick] Uh, I'm still a ghost. Whooooo. > The blue hedgehog approached him slowly, > ready to break loose should the human draw a weapon. Crow: [Sonic] So! Mario, at long last we meet. > > Whoooooooosssssshhhhhhp. Tom: SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud. > > Both species, human and hedgehog, Mike: Signed the Oslo accords. > looked up to watch the > circumference of the Gate shrink to a point Crow: Sooooooooo, the measurement of the distance around the circle shrank to a decimal place. Tom: He couldn't pass geometry either. Move on. Mike: Wait, wait. They both looked up. Tom: Yeah. Mike: So the portal was above the ground. Crow: Yeah. Mike: So Skye really did fall out after all? Tom: Which of us keeps saying to ignore logic? Mike: But he said that nobody falls out.... Crow: Mike, this story has less continuity than _The X-Files_, okay? Just accept it and move on. > and vanish in a flash of > light and a crackle of static electricity. Tom: [Skye] Dude! Where's my Gate? Crow: [Sonic] Where's your Gate, dude? > > Even though he was both confused and disoriented, Skye still > managed to Crow: Be annoying? > utter Crow: Be utterly annoying? > a brief but concise salutation. Mike: [Skye] Pull my finger, flea mattress! > > "Uh, hi." Tom: And on this world, the term "hi" is used to describe an anatomically disgusting act. Skye is immediately arrested. > > WOLFE MEETS HEDGEHOG Mike: Wolfe loses hedgehog. Tom: Wolfe gets hedgehog. Crow: Wolfe eats hedgehog for dinner. > Mobius - The Great Forest Crow: Yellowstone? > 1.33 Miles North of Knothole Tom: The U.S. search for another country too stubborn to go metric finally closes with a dramatic success. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Crow: Pre-season game for the Mobian Football League. > Fri. 7:48.31 PM Tom: Is it really necessary to give us the time to the *second*? Mike: Maybe it's the offical time of death for the plot flow. > > Sonic stared at the awed human. Tom: Blue meets Skye. Crow: [Sonic] You're trying to figure out why I'm wearing nothing but bright red shoes, aren't you? > > "Who are you?" Crow: He's a hedgehog from another planet in another universe, so NATURALLY he speaks English. Tom: Well, that happens when the U.S. is a cultural homogenizer. Mike: Hey! > > It was a reasonable question. Tom: "What are sweetbreads made of?" That was another reasonable question. > Skye blinked. Mike: He can feel himself becoming animated. > He didn't remember. Crow: I thought *I* had trouble with names. Mike: [Skye] How can I be expected to know my own name? I'm an engineer, not an English major. > He was grasping for his name, his identity. Tom: So, amnesia. Mike: Looks like it. Crow: Think we can rebuild his personality to be less whiny? Mike: Not if he didn't have a personality in the first place. > The mind-bending nature > of his trip had left his brain temporarily short-circuited. Crow: [Skye] All I know is...I like swords! Tom: [Sonic] Welcome to Mobius! > Fortunately, where his innate memory had failed, Crow: Windows XP had saved his last configuration data. > his photographic > memory provided. Mike: [Skye] Let me tell you about Mannheim University in 1918. Crow: [Sonic] I surrender! > > "Darian," he muttered. Mike: [Sailor Moon] Darian, please come back to me. Dariaaaan! [Crow and Tom are silent] Tom: Mike, that impression was too good. Mike: Sorry, I'm just trying to riff a b-- Crow: Stop it with your excuses, Mike! Sit in the corner! Mike: But I-- Crow: SIT! Mike: Yes, sir. [Mike walks to the other side of the screen and sits.] > Then, shaking his head and sitting up, Crow: [makes rattling noises] > "Darian Montgomery Wolfe. Tom: [Skye] Scared? Crow: [Sonic] Nah. Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolfe? > They call me 'Skye'. Mike: My friends call me Jim. > I guess that's > because that's where my mind seems to be -most of the time." Tom: [Skye] I rent it out to the Scottish Brain Bank on weekdays! Crow: That explains why he doesn't use it. > > Introductions made, Tom: Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmbbbbbbbbllllllle! > the two quickly developed a hand-shaking > friendship. Tom: Maybe they happened to belong to the same fraternity. Mike: Ouch, wouldn't that leave a lot of blue quills in your hand? > > Skye bobbed his head. Crow: Nowhere near as popular as the N'Sync Bobble Head. > 'This can't be a reality (parallel or > otherwise). Crow: [Skye] I have GOT to stop dropping books on my head--it's obviously starting to get to me. > I must be hallucinating all this. Mike: [Skye] Some people see pink elephants. I see blue hedgehogs. > What would Rachel be > doing in my lab in the first place? Crow: Psst--Don't pick at the plot holes. They'll bleed and scar. > I must be dreaming this whole > 'other side of the Gate' thing. Tom: So, once again, his memory has been *completely eradicated,* but he recalls his name, his friends' names, where he comes from, why he's there and all his sorry excuses for scientific "research." Crow: You know, this is kind of like _The Prisoner_, except it makes me want to take to my bed with a Drano health shake and the complete works of Sylvia Plath. > Tomorrow I'm getting a CAT-scan, Mike: [Catbert] This author is also defective. Crow: [PHB] Next!!! > 'cause this has got to be the craziest dream I've ever had.' Tom: [Skye] Even crazier than that dream where I wrote a world- destroying fanfic and had to chase after it with some robots. > > Sonic sized the new arrival up. Crow: [Sonic] So, you take about a size 32 pants? Mike: [Sonic] Yeah, he'll fit right in. His head is larger than his body. > He knew that this guy had > nothing to do with Robotnik, Tom: No, of course not. God forbid we have a Sonic fic where the new human actually DOES have something to do with Robotnik. Mike: This is a Sonic fanfic. No moral ambiguity. No deceptions. Crow: That's right. Everybody knows who the hero is and who the villian is. > but he obviously had nothing to do with > anyone around here. Tom: And that makes him OK. Just look at ID4. Crow: I'm waiting for the part where Skye rips off his mask and reveals himself to be Link, the Hero of Hyrule. > "By the looks of it you must have one rad story > to tell." Mike: [Skye] By the sound of it you must be stuck in the 80s. > > Skye looked back at the talking blue hedgehog with eyes as big > as saucers. Mike: [Skye] I get it...you're that Crash Bandicoot feller! Crow: So, does Sonic have the big eyes? Or Skye? Tom: C-Ko made a cameo. > "Well, If the last five minutes have been any > indication, It's about to get even more rad." Mike: [Skye] I might have to write a 70-part story about it. MW: [Offscreen] Okay! I get it! My story rambles on too long, and I'm sorry! Does that make you happy? Huh? Crow: Not really. But thanks anyway. > > BULLET TRAIN TO KNOTHOLE Tom: [singing] Take the last train to Knothole.... Crow: Blaine the Train is involved! This can't be a good sign... > Mobius - The Great Forest Mike: You are here. We are not. > 1.33 Miles North of Knothole Village Mike: Told ya. Tom: Meanwhile, .33 south of Knothole, a family of raccoons is sleeping peacefully. Just to let you know. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Crow: We're falling, falling, falling in love with you.... > Fri. 7:59 PM Tom: Any reason why there's a scene break here, when we didn't change locations? Mike: It must be one of those MST3K-Hour things. Crow: Huh? Mike: The same story, only it's cut into pieces to fit a time slot. Tom: Uh, Mike, we're not supposed to talk about... Mike: What? Crow: Oh, boy...Jim Mallon's gonna love this. Mike: What? > > Skye curled his fist around Sonic's backpack strap. Mike: [Skye] Well, it looks like my "diverse realities" idea is a bust. His backpack is an Outdoors Product (TM). > > "Hang on tight," said Sonic. Crow: [Sonic] The fanfic may actually start now. I'm serious. > > "Hang on?" Skye asked quizzically. Tom: [Skye] I'm at least two feet taller than you. Hang on to what? Crow: [Sonic] Just reach between my... Mike: WRONG ANSWER, PAL!!! > > "Hang on to WHA-AAAAAH!" Mike: Welcome back to "Guess Who's Talking." Crow: Was that Skye, despite the wrong formatting? Or was Sonic suddenly caught in an earthquake? Tom: The answer is...Motown Marvel Diana Ross! > > Sonic took off at AMAZING speed. Crow: Heheh, now we see if a flimsy backpack strap can hold the weight of a full-grown human at Mach 2. > Skye's protests were drowned > out, Crow: [Skye] Ow! Ouch! You're dragging me along the ground! I'm bleeding, you moron! Tom: [Sonic, humming] Crow: [Skye] Oh my God! The backpack strap I'm holding is TEARING! Tom: [Sonic] Yes, I *am* quite daring! > silenced by the trees of the Great Forest. Tom: Ever since getting beaten by Prince Valiant of Jack Frost fame, they've been building up their evil. > > Skye guessed that he and Sonic were cruisin' at a pretty good > clip of 80 miles per hour. Crow: Which shouldn't be the slightest bit jarring to him, considering that it just *said* he traveled through the Gate at a *speed past infinity.* Mike: Sshhh--don't ruin the moment. > > Sonic's head tilted slightly Crow: [siren noises] > to inform his passenger of his > next move. Tom: [Sonic] Queen to E4. Check. > "We're gonna' make a quick stop." Crow: [Sonic] Gotta snag some burritos and salsa for the Knothole Fiesta Daze tonight. > > It was surprisingly silent in Sonic's whake, Crow: Well, that's just respect for the deceased. Tom: He must have had a heart attack after running 80 miles an hour. Mike: When he said a quick stop, he wasn't kidding. > but the hedgehog > still had to yell back to be heard over the rush of wind. Tom: Have we done enough fart jokes yet? Mike: This is a video game. There's no such thing as too many fart jokes. Crow: Remember that our audience is teenage males. > Then, > Skye's brain caught up with the rest of him. Mike: It's about time that happened. We've been waiting all fanfic. > His eyes widened in > unmitigated terror. Crow: [Skye] Is that a flux capacitor? Tom: [Sonic] Watch this! I'm gonna do 90. > "Wait! NO!" Crow: [Skye] Cut, CUT! That was awful! Let's try that scene AGAIN, people! > > "Huh?" yelled Sonic, Tom: [Sonic] The great Sonic does not know the meaning of the word "Wait!" > "what's that?" Mike: [Skye] It's Rick! He's following on his motorcycle! > > "INERTIA," Skye screamed. Crow: [Skye] It's the reason my body is being torn apart! That and FRICTION! > > "E-NER-SHUH!" Tom: Inner Shah? Mike: That's what makes you want to blow up discos. Bots: Mike!!! Crow: Free plushie joke number two! > > Sonic didn't hear. He stopped. Mike: He stopped hearing? > Skye didn't. Crow: [Skye] This is my last chance to get out of the fanfic. > The discoverer of > the Gate flew off and hit a tree. Crow: At 80 miles per hour? Tom: Stand by for the worst splinter episode in history. > > There is often very little time to think when you're plummeting > toward a tree at fifty miles an hour, but Skye made the most of it. Tom: What--he decided to read Mishnah during the travel? Crow: My Rabbi says to learn it at every chance I get. > > "This Suckssss!" -SLAM!!! Mike: Well, at least the self-insertion is suffering as much as we are. That's comforting. Tom: If Skye crashes into a tree in the forest, does anyone really care? > > ~~ Have you hugged a tree today? ~~ All: [stony silence] Mike: I have a new mission in life, guys. Crow: Make it quick. And quiet. Tom: Yeah--we've already heard him jabbering enough in this story without having to sit through his final tormented screams. MW: [offscreen] I *said* I was sorry! > > The oak tree reverberated for about five seconds. Mike: Either that's the flimsiest tree of the century or Skye really does have a hard head. > Skye, > however, didn't stop shaking for three minutes. Crow: By shaking, we mean he turned into an accordion like in a cartoon. > > CONVERSATION OF A LIFETIME Tom: Essentially, Sonic gets to explain to Skye why he stopped suddenly in the first place. > Mobius - The Great Forest Mike: That's easy. He saw a squirrel run in front of him and hit the brakes. Crow: Might have been his future mother-in-law, huh? > Princess Sally's Hut, Knothole Tom: Meanwhile, back at stately Acorn Manor... > First Month of Fall Season 3238 Crow: Woo! All new episodes of "Friends"! > Fri. 7:59 PM Tom: Still? What, did they beam over? > > A voice. No. Mike: A song. > Voices. Tom: [author] Hmmm, my multiple personalities are loud today... > Skye shifted as he was carried inside on > the shoulders of Crow: Giants? > blurred figures. Crow: They might be giants. > Skye protested quietly. Tom: [whispering] Hell, no, we won't go. > He didn't > like being carried. Mike: Hey, if you're going to act like a baby, you're going to be treated like one. > "I'm okay, Crow: [Sonic] Did you just call me a nerd? Tom: [Skye] Uh.... > I can walk. Tom: [Skye] It's a miracle! I believed and I was healed! > It's okay. > Thanks." Mike: So, he never faced this when he was a "star" football player? > > Skye was abruptly dropped on the floor. Crow: [Jar Jar] How rude. Tom: Rather inept grips they hired for this fanfic. > *-Oomph!* *Ouch* Tom: His synapses finally kick in. > "Thanks. Great." Mike: [Sonic] Damn. He's not dead. And he would have made a great throw rug. > > "Oh mah stars! Crow: This universe's talent agent. > Ah'm sorry. Mike: [southern accent] Ah thought you were DALE! > I thought you were out cold." Tom: He just hit a tree at 80 miles per hour. Good idea to bring him here rather than to a hospital. > > "Yeah," Skye said, eyes closed and rubbing his back. "I get > that a lot." Crow: [Skye] A lot of people think I'm out cold when I'm not. Teachers. Lecturers. The women I bed.... Mike: Crow!!! Crow: My second freebie! > > Skye was astonished by Bunnie's voice. Tom: [Skye] So, I've been kidnapped by Scarlett O'Hara, or that chick from the "X-men"...great. > He wasn't shocked by the > quality of her voice Mike: That just made him sad. > but rather the fact that she had one. Crow: Skye believed that women bunnies should be seen and not heard. Mike: So, a talking bunny completely throws him for a loop, but a talking BLUE hedgehog, he takes right in stride? > Bunnie > looked at him. Crow: [Bunnie] Ehhh, what's up, Doc? Mike: [Skye] Skye. Crow: [Bunnie] Oh, fine, be a smarty-pants. > The human's jaw hung slack. Tom: [Skye] I wonder if she's a Playboy Bunny.... > > 'Everybody's a talking animal?!' Skye thought. Crow: [Skye] Great. I beamed into the frickin' Jungle Book. Mike: [Skye] I figured everyone would be wearing Egyptian outfits, like last time... > 'Why not?' He > asked himself, Tom: Because it's stupid and ridiculous? > it made about as much sense as anything else since he > stepped through the Gate. Tom: To reiterate.... > > Sonic walked in the door Skye was just carried through. Mike: [Sonic] You should see the dent he made in that tree. > He was > accompanied Crow: On the clarinet. > by a light brown ground squirrel. Crow: I thought she was a tree squirrel? Tom: No, she's a ground squirrel! Mike: And the pointless debate begins anew. > > "Sonic just told me what happened. Mike: [Sally] It took me ten minutes to stop laughing. > We think you've got some > explaining to do. Crow: [Skye] All right. As you know, basic statistics indicates that every action has several possible outcomes.... Tom: [Sally] Ram him into a tree again. > I think you should start with where you came > from." Mike: [Skye] Mommy always said I came from Heaven! > > Skye rubbed his forehead. Crow: Simultaneously patting his stomach proved difficult. > "It's a surprisingly short story. Mike: [slightly hysterical laughter] As compared to *what*, _Remembrance of Things Past_? > I > created a wormhole that moves things from one point in the > space-time of one reality to another point in the Omniverse. Crow: People, furniture, entire planets...you know. Things. > I call > it the Gate. Tom: [Skye] Mister Chesney says that I need to come up with a cooler name before the next Pilgrim Party. > There was an accident and Mike: [Skye] --I hit a tree. Fortunately, I hit it with my head, so nothing got damaged. > for reasons I can't > understand, Crow: [Skye] A certain hedgehog decided to just stop at a random location! The bastard. > someone I know fell in. Tom: Well, jumped in. Mike: Flew in. Crow: Like a wingless avian. > So now I'm trying to find her > and take her back where I came from." Mike: [Skye] Because I refuse to allow anybody else to live in my new realm. Crow: Nice of him to gloss over the fact that he planned to stay there forever. Tom: He knows that if the residents ever find out the truth, they'll ram him into a mountain. > > Sonic was trying to piece together the first part of story on > his own, but he wanted a better translation. Crow: [Sonic] #$%& Babelfish. > > Nicole offered an analogy: [All sigh] Mike: I was just thinking how much we needed another explanatory exposition that delineated another scientific model regarding a process we already frickin' understand! > "The Omniverse is like an infinite > number of children Crow: The space-time continuum is one really big day care? Tom: If they type for an infinite amount of time, can they complete the works of Shakespeare? > -all different, Tom: But that makes them special. > that refuse to play together. Mike: [Nicole] And they have to share a sandbox that holds only five kids...No, that's business politics. > The > Gate is sort of like a mother Crow: It's a mother, all right. > who sometimes forces two children to > hold hands. Tom: [Wooster] Why would two children have to hold hands? Crow: [Jeeves] Well, it's really an analogy, sir... Tom: I mean, what kind of mother would force that? Is it some sort of cruel nature on her part, or could there be some purpose? Crow: What I am trying to get across, sir, is that.... Tom: And the universe really isn't a child, is it? Crow: No, sir. Tom: Very well. Then let us have no more of this Omnichild nonsense. Crow: Very good, sir. Tom: Right ho, Jeeves. Mike: Are you two done yet? > They might resist at first, Mike: [child] Eww. That universe has cooties. > but of course the mother is > much stronger and more powerful and Crow: --Can send the universes to their rooms without supper. Tom: Not bad for a human-made invention. > neither child can resist for > long." Tom: It's just futile. > > Nicole paused for Sonic's sake to let this sink in. Mike: [Sonic] But isn't a universe by definition "all-inclusive and without limits"? So, while there could be several dimensions or space pockets, there couldn't be multiple universes? Crow: [Sonic] And how does this fit in with the ten-dimension limit or the fact that our space may be in a black hole that empties into another universe? Tom: [Sonic] Duh, what's a child? > > "Theoretically, the joining of two hands Crow: --Is the first step to peace in our time. > creates a bridge Tom: So what the hell is taking those Maryland engineers so long? Why is it so hard to hold two hands and rebuild the Woodrow Wilson Bridge? Mike: It's all politics. > that > can be crossed to travel from child to child Mike: So, these are Vulcan children? Crow: No, we're supposed to see Skye as a germ. Tom: I can see that. > -or world to world, in > this case." Mike: And so our pointing out just how idiotic this whole analogy is would be the concerned neighbor who turns Mom in to the Department of Family Services? Tom: [sings] There's a Gate that I see, where the hedgehogs are free... > > "Very poetic, Nicole," praised Sally. Crow: [Sally] By that, I mean it had nothing to do with math or science. > > By this time, Sally was convinced that the human didn't pose a > dangerous threat, Mike: [Sally] I mean, look at the geek! Tom: [sputtering] What the hell is it with Sonic fans? Are they completely devoid of understanding of how a war zone should be? Of how most security experts agree that strangers from unknown areas are probably NOT supposed to wander your military bases? Crow: Would you prefer a story where everyone is hostile torward the human until he proves he doesn't work for Robotnik? Tom: I'd prefer a story where the human DID work for Robotnik! Or where the army was cautious but fair! Show some nuance! Do something creative! Add a touch of ethical questioning! Something!!! Mike: [moving back to his regular seat and attempting to calm Tom] Hobgoblins, Tom! Hobgoblins was *so* much worse! [Produces a brown paper bag from nowhere] Tom: [now jumping up and down in his seat] No it wasn't, no it *wasn't*! At least it was OVER in an hour and a half! At least every now and then it was SO flagrantly awful you could manage to *laugh* at it! At least it stood tall and proud in its badness and wasn't this steaming fragrant dogpile of SMOLDERING COWFLOP UNORIGINALITY POSING AS A MASTERWORK-- Mike: [shoving paper bag over Tom's beak] Breathe, Tom! Breathe! Tom: [muffled by paper bag, the top of his dome starting to smoke] Die! Die! DIE! Mike: [now wrestling with Tom] Crow, help me out here! Crow: Hey, what do you want from *me*? I'm sitting here pining for the wry and puckish literary masterpiece that was "Altered Destiny"! Tom: [trying to fly toward the theater screen, Mike holding him back] I WILL KILL YOU, *WOLFE*! Mike: *Tom*! Shh, he'll hear you! [A violent scuffle ensues; when it is over, Tom is sitting back in his seat breathing more normally, and Mike is doubled over clutching his midsection.] Tom: [brightly] Boy, *that* was cathartic--I feel a lot better now. Thanks, Mike! Mike: [weakly] Urrrgghh... > but she wanted to know more. Crow: Namely, how the hell to get rid of him. Mike: [still doubled over] Tom...I can't feel my legs... Tom: [sotto voce] Drama queen. > And so, Skye glossed > over about five thousand years of world history -just the > highlights. Tom: [Skye] Rome fell. I was born. That's it. Crow: [Skye] Now who wants to go get the Skyemeister some luncherino? > > Skye digressed Bots: Really? Noooooo. > from the finer points of the American War of > Independence from Princess Sally. Mike: We fought for independence from Princess Sally? > It probably wouldn't be a good > idea to let on too much too soon. Crow: Because Skye's intimate knowledge of the Continental Congress had the power to lay waste to entire civilizations. Mike: Hey, "Historian"! [marks card] > > Skye ended his tale with a simple closing: Tom: [Skye] 'Tis a far, far better thing I do than anything I've done before. I know that doesn't say much, but... > "-now I'm here. Mike: So, it was an UNhappy ending. Crow: [Sally] So, five thousand years of civilization built up to... your amazing discovery and travels? Tom: [Sonic] Man, I thought *I* had a huge ego. > Now, > if you'd be so kind, Crow: [Skye] Please, sir, may I have another? > it might help my quest if Tom: [Skye] I could find the Zelda video game guide. > I knew a bit more > about this reality as well." Mike: [Sally] Well first, we have our own diverging reality problem. Ask me about Amy Rose. > > Sally reciprocated with the on-going narrative that covered > about ten years of recent Mobian history. Crow: At least somebody here knows what is relevant. Tom: [Sally] And so Sonic begat Sonic 2, and thus was begotten Sonic and Knuckles... > The paradise of Mobius. Tom: Gangsta Paradise, that is. > The Great War. The coup. Robotnik. Crow: FX Ferret and the purple space ferrets of doom. > > 'Their enemy is human,' Skye thought. Mike: Well, more like a pork roll gone seriously bad. > 'That's why I was being > interrogated. Crow: Appearing in a classified area has nothing to do with it. Mike: Crow, don't start again. I only had the one paper bag. > They don't trust humans. Crow: Racial profiling of the FUTURE. Tom: So how do you explain that Robotnik did the same thing with Rachel? Is he also anti-human? Mike: Nah. He's just evil. > They probably think I'll > betray them.' Crow: Or even worse--*write* about them. Tom: [shudders] Kill him now, Sally. Trust us, that chance you just can't take! > > "Are you planning to betray us, Skye?" Crow: [Sonic] Because if you are, prepare for a noogie at Mach 5. > > Skye was taken by surprise. Crow: [Skye] On the odd chance that I was, do you think I'd tell you? Tom: [Sally] Sorry. This is how we deal with Arafat. > "If you're a mind-reader, Tom: [Skye] You should know the answer already. > I think > you missed a sentence fragment back there." Mike: We'll do the grammar riffs, if you don't mind. > > Sally covered up a giggle. Crow: [Sally] The defensive human is cute. Tee-hee. > "No, but Sera, our resident > magician, Tom: Resident magician? What, does she intern at Magics R Us or something? > is somewhat telepathic." Mike: So, more like "telepathetic." > > A bright pink hedgehog wearing a leather jacket Tom: Oh, she's a Pink Lady. > offered her > hand to Skye. Tom: It scares me that I remember this, but wasn't Sera a bunny-girl? Mike: I think so, or possibly a cat-girl. Crow: I guess even Gonterman's characters get caught in "diverse realities".... > The hand, Skye noticed, was artificial. Crow: [Skye] Oh, one of those wax hands like they have at the Renaissance Faire! Neat-o! > It was a > metallic prosthetic Crow: Paging Dr. Kimble. > that fully mimicked the full range of tactile > movement and flexibility, Tom: She lost her real hand in a swordfight with Darth Vader. > but didn't even try to imitate the look or > feel of a real arm. Crow: But it had three settings of "vibrate," so the girl couldn't care less. Mike: Crow!!! Crow: Uh...my free plushie joke? Mike: You used all your plushie jokes! That's a freebie for me! > > "I'm pleased to finally meet you Darian. Crow: Man, talk about your masochistic tendencies. > I must admit, your > thoughts are very hard to pick up." Mike: [Sera] They're so faint and scrambled.... Tom: [Sera] ...and anything I do pick up involves socks, for some reason. Why *is* that? > <> > Sera projected at Sally. Mike: Do you really have to telepathically project inside jokes? > > Skye stood uncomfortably as Sally and the pink hedgehog giggled > at each other for no apparent reason. Crow: [Skye] It's like I never left my high school. > Presently the two remembered > that he was still in the room Tom: And laughed harder. > and explained the joke to him. Mike: [Sally] We're just making fun of Sonic again. Crow: [Sonic] See, nothing to worry...Hey! > > "You are not the first human to cross over, Skye," Sally > explained. Crow: [Sally] John Edwards does it all the time. Tom: [Sally] And we had the Mario Brothers just last week. Crow: [Sally] And then there was this fairy boy in the green get-up the month before. Awfully nice of him to keep the moon from slamming into us, though. Mike: [Sally] Yep, dorks just walk through a field, get hit by an asteroid and bang, here they are. Kind of drops your ego down a notch, huh? > "Sera has found that she has a hard time reading human > thoughts." Tom: [Sera] What's this 10% usage crap? > > "So much for being famous," Skye said. Crow: [Skye, sotto voce] And so much for trying to convince them that walking around without any pants is perfectly natural for my kind...damn. > "I'm not the first one > here." Mike: [Sally] Are you kidding? I'd say there's about a million of you so far, and all of them were productive freedom fighters right off the bat. Crow: [Skye] So why are you so hostile to humans? Mike: [Sally] Every time one of you makes the jump, our property values drop. > > WHY ANIMORPHS? Crow: Well, it all started when Nickelodeon started doing original programming and Power Rangers was tops.... > Mobius - The Great Forest Tom: Larrybus - The Great Lake. Crow: Curlybus - The Great Sewage Treatment Plant. > Princess Sally's Hut, Knothole Mike: So, all this time and we've gone nowhere. Crow: I'd say that's the symbolic theme of the fanfic. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 8:16 PM Tom: We're supposed to believe all those history lectures took less than twenty minutes?! Crow: Well, history isn't Skye's field. > > At this point Skye had become reasonably sure that he wasn't > dreaming or hallucinating. Tom: Well, I'm still keeping my hypnosis-induced delusion theory. > For one thing, he doubted his mind was > capable of inventing this kind of delusion. Mike: [Skye] I mean, I HAVE to be creative enough to do better than this cliched dreck. Even as an engineer. > Therefore, given that > all this was real, he had one burning question to ask. All: Only one? Crow: It must be "Do you validate parking?" > > "How did a humanoid race evolve to become a culture of sentient > animals?" Tom: [Skye] I mean, it's not like I jumped to a parallel universe where laws would be different and that therefore evolution could develop along different lines. [Pause] Oh, wait.... > > Sally endeavored to explain how Mobius came to be. Mike: [Skye] I KNOW about the big bang theory. Crow: [Sally] Actually, it was a little PHHBT sound. > "It's a long > story and nobody knows all of what happened, but we know Crow: [Sally] --That every person writes his own version of history, so our continuity is shot to hell. > from > ancient documents recovered from secret underground vaults Tom: So it's the Great Sea Scrolls? > that it > started with a war." Mike: Skylab had started a nuclear war that allowed the machines to take over. But some rebels fought back.... > > Sally sat down behind the other side of the table. Crow: [Sally] I'll cut for who has to tell more. > "You see, > the Animute Virus Mike: Sounds like something that erases your anime soundtracks. > or 'Ani-Virus' Tom: Anti-Virus? > was made by a government to be used > as a weapon in this war. Mike: Police action, really. > It wasn't intended by the war ministry to > be used against the enemy, but rather to affect their own soldiers. Crow: With a war ministry like that, who needs an enemy? > They figured that giving their armies the abilities and instincts of > predatory animals would help them defeat the enemy. Tom: [Sally] And Operation Cheap Stupid Crashingly Obvious Irony was born! > Using the > budding science of genetic engineering, a scientist by the name of > Julian Kintobor found a way to Mike: --Develop a somewhat plausible explanatory technobabble. > mutate the human genome into that of > various animal predators." Tom: Fierce predators like hedgehogs, squirrels, and rabbits! Crow: Wait, are you telling me Robotnik created his own worst enemies? Mike: Uh, that's about right, Crow. Crow: What an idiot. > > "But isn't everyone here quasi-animal? Mike: I mean, it's the frickin' Island of Dr. Moreau here. Only not as well thought out. > How did the virus go > from army size to the population of a planet? Crow: [Sally] First, the virus is only the size of a small moon. Tom: [Skye] Hey, is it getting cloudy? Mike: [Sally] Cloudy? All: Yaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! > How is it spread > anyway?" Crow: [Skye] And why do I suddenly have a tail? > > "Once the means to do it were found, Tom: They simply lacked motive and opportunity. > they experimented with all > sorts of delivery systems: injections, gases, Mike: Streaming media. Crow: Distribution houses. Tom: Dominos. > and even using other > animals to spread it through bites and scratches. Crow: I can just imagine the slogans. "Join the army and get mauled by werewolves." > These experiments > were often performed on human test subjects Tom: You mean like anatomy and psychology? > (both enemy and ally) Mike: Duh, let's inject our soldier-strengthening formula into people who fight for the other side! > and were often quite brutal." Crow: The paperwork alone was mind-numbing. > > Skye smirked. Mike: [Skye, dumb] Heh, heh--Mengele funny. > "Sure doesn't sound like science at its best. I > guess that's war for 'ya." Tom: So says the man that spent fifteen seconds considering the ethics of his new invention--and after he built it. Mike: What ARE the ethical problems of a dimensional doorway? Crow: Well, you could obviously go back in time to Russia-owned Alaska and grab the natural resources before anybody knows they're there. Tom: Or you could open a gate into the war room of an enemy. Crow: Or you could use them defensively to swallow incoming ballistic missiles. Tom: In fact, you could probably swallow cities--or even planets-- from the comfort of home. Mike: Okay! I get it! Tomorrow, I'll end my stock ownership of Evil Gateways, Ltd. > > Sally agreed. Mike: [Sally] In fact, all scientists suck. Let's kill them after we get the lawyers. > "Finally, another scientist by the name of Keyg Crow: Captain Keyg? Mike: That's "Queeg." > re-engineered the Virus to spread through air. Tom: On their flying trapeze. > The problem was that > Keyg, besides being brilliant, was also insane. Crow: He kept babbling something about finding 30,000 friends.... Tom: [Skye] I don't see a problem with that. And neither does my invisible friend, Percival. > He released the > Ani-Virus in the lab, Crow: He would be forever known as "Butterfingers" Keyg. > doing everything he could to make sure it > escaped to infect the entire world." Tom: [Oz witch] Fly, my beauties! Fly! > > Sally shifted position as Nicole suddenly spoke up. Mike: [Nicole] That's not what happened, and you know it! > "The Virus > was unstoppable, Crow: [Nicole] Dustin Hoffman having died the year before. > resistant to all attempts to contain it. Tom: [Nicole] In retrospect, trying to catch it using jars probably wasn't such a good idea. > In one > year, 99.9999833% of the world's 6.7 billion population was > infected. [All gape] Mike: It's a Star Trek virus. Crow: It can't be a Star Trek virus. Mike: No virus, even genetically engineered, can possibly infect that many people, especially that fast. Crow: But if it were a Star Trek virus, you could find a cure within an hour. Tom: Maybe it's the Andromeda Strain. > It was found that only 1,120 people had a natural immunity > to the transformational effects of the Ani-Virus, but they were all > sterile." Mike: [Sally] And could only answer any question put to them with the words "Jiminy jeekers." Crow: So it was an STD? > > "And once non-afflicted humans failed to breed, the human > genome died out in the span of a single generation," Skye finished. Tom: Well, except that everybody else were humans that just happened to have animal characteristics. Other than that.... Crow: Wait, so their geneticists can make a DNA-changing virus but they can't whip up a few simple clones? I call no way. > > "That's how we understand it," Sally said. Crow: [Sally] Because, being animals, you'd *expect* us not to understand the concepts of recessive genes and random mutations. So what's *your* excuse, Genius Boy? > "The 'Mobian > Apocalypse' Mike: Was the only way to beat Diablo. > (as it has been known ever since) Crow: [Sally] Because The "Mobian Static Cling Dilemma" didn't hit our focus groups well. > had caused the war to > end, but not like it had been expected to. Tom: [Skye] You mean, you weren't planning to fight an all-out biological war that killed everyone? Crow: [Sally] Nope. We figured we'd go in a radiation cloud. > The ani-morphed soldiers > had lost the desire to fight each other. Mike: [Sally] Every time they declared themselves "animorphed soldiers," both sides wound up on the ground doubled over in laughter. Tom: [Sally] 'Course, when the first rabies epidemic hit, whoa Nellie. > The War lingered under the > direction of a few rogue generals, Crow: That's really not direction so much as wandering around and shooting people. > but died out in the course of a > single winter. Tom: Napoleon's plan still works. > The soldiers abandoned their weapons and formed > families and clans with members of their own kind. Mike: Where they began to fight with clans of other kinds. Crow: Mike, you were aware that only man fights for sport. Mike: So if you had a cat clan and a dog clan.... Crow: Point. > This was the > beginning of the 'Mobian Revolution'." Mike: [Woodstock M.C.] Okay, what we have in mind is acorns and wood lice for SEVENTY THOUSAND FURRIES! > > Skye pondered this information. Crow: [Skye] So your "paradise" was the aftermath of an apocalyptic war, when all the surviving inhabitants became mutated freaks? Tom: [Sally] What's your point? > "If you don't mind me asking, > how did Robotnik come about?" Mike: Well, when you ani-morph John Ashcroft.... Tom: He's the product of an unholy union between a sow and a L'Eggs egg. > > Skye immediately regretted asking. Crow: [Skye] Did you have to answer me in Kabuki theater? > Sally did the > ground-squirrel equivalent of going pale. Tom: So, that would be...darting back and forth like crazy? Digging for acorns? Getting hit by a car? What? > > "After people started changing, it was soon realized who was > responsible for creating the virus. Mike: I guess those evil mad scientists shouldn't have gotten a patent. > Julian Kintobor and his > son Crow: You're not my father! > were hunted down by people (and former people) and targeted for > retribution. Tom: Except for "Blood and Metal," in which Davey was attacked in our world for being white. Mike: Except for "Mobius Chronicles," in which Julian was a good man. Crow: Except for official canon, in which all of this is wrong. > So, they fled to a secret underground laboratory in > what is/was the capitol of Mobius - Mobotropolis." Mike: There, they started Socialism.... Tom: That's Metropolis. > > 'This sounds like the kind of stuff science-fiction is made > of,' Skye thought to himself. Mike: Excellent--yet *another* excuse to hate Harlan Ellison! > > "He put himself and his son in suspended animation for a few > hundred years Mike: [Sally] He could see where this story was going and, frankly, it scared him. Tom: They would later have wacky adventures with the cast of _Futurama_. > in order to outlive their aggressors and await the end > result of the Mobian Revolution. Mike: It didn't work. You're all still half-animal freaks. > A problem developed however, in the > time-warping apparatus that was a part of their stasis vessels. Crow: I take it back. This *is* a Star Trek episode. Tom: Were they nuclear stasis vessels? > Julian's son had disappeared mysteriously by the time his father > awakened. Tom: Typical teenager. His dad is frozen and STILL embarrasing. > Some say this drove Julian over the edge. Mike: [Sally] Others think it was Carrot Top. > Others claim it > was an accident with another device in the laboratory named the > ROCC, Crow: He failed to smell what the ROCC was cooking! > but nobody's absolutely sure what turned Julian Ovi Kintobor > into Dr. Ivo Robotnik." Tom: Personally, I blame video games. Mike: And let me guess, Skye is Robotnik's long-lost son, right? Crow: Mike? Mike: Yes? Crow: You are coordially invited to bite me. > > THE CONVERSION OF A SKEPTIC Tom: Is Skye going to go blind and fall off his horse now? > Mobius - The Great Forest Crow: This forest was great because it believed! Can I get an Amen? Tom & Mike: NO!!! > Princess Sally's Hut, Knothole Tom: Or Hole, Knothut. Whichever. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 8:38 PM Mike: Do you have any chronology jokes? Crow: In a minute. > > Twenty minutes of heavy discussion had gone past Tom: Twenty-two minutes, actually. But who's counting? > and somehow > the subject got turned towards the metaphysical status quo of > Mobius. Tom: The metaphysical status quo? What, do they have a measurement of Kabbalistic energy flows? Mike: It's called a CentiRebbe. > Things on Mobius were a lot different from things on Earth. Crow: On Mobius, peanut butter tasted like cilantro! Tom: On Mobius, Coca-Cola came in *blue* cans, not *red*! > > "Sera," Skye queried, Crow: [Skye] What is Blue Fairy? > "Sally called you a, uh, magician. Does > that mean you practice...um..." Tom: [Sera] Yes, I'm Wiccan! Get over it! > > "Magic?" Sera finished helpfully. "Yes. Yes, I do." Mike: [Sera] I once made Jiffy Hoffa disappear. Tom: [Skye] But he never reappeared. Mike: [Sera] I'm not that good a magician. > > "Uh-huh," Skye remarked. Crow: [Skye] Luckily, I'm a scientist, so I can automatically disregard you as a fraud. Tom: And so, having the *power of magic* on their side and all, they need *Skye's* assistance because... Mike: [shrugs] Novelty, experiment, cheap and nourishing food source--take your pick. > > The explorer then nodded toward Sally. Tom: [Skye] What about the squirrel? Mike: [Sera] Sonic says she's a contortionist. Crow: [Sally] Hey!!! > "So you're saying that > unicorns, wizards, mages, and sorcerers live all over this planet, > right?" Mike: [Sera] I didn't say that at all! How does the existence of magic automatically lead to unicorns? Crow: For an engineer, he seems to have the logic of a French major. Tom: [Sally] And why did you point at me? Do I look like a unicorn? Crow: Just horny. Mike: Crow!!! Crow: Okay, you get *two* freebies! > > "To name a few, yes," admitted Sally. Crow: Nice work, Sally. Obviously, you've never watched _King Kong_. > It was clear to the > princess by now that the young human understood these beings only in > a mythical context. Tom: She being a sort-of-telepath herself. > > Skye continued, "...and they command and protect mystical > artifacts that hold great mysterious powers?" Mike: [Sally] Okay, fine, I admit we live on a badly contrived "Dungeons and Dragons" world, okay? Happy?! Crow: [Skye] Sweet! Think I could score one of them Holy Avengers +5? > > Sally glanced at Sonic (who was quietly tapping his foot in the > corner of the hut) Crow: [Sonic] Hurry up. I've got a Quidditch match in ten minutes. > and Antoine (who didn't know why Sally was > looking at him). Tom: [Antoine] Does she not know I only like ze boys? > Sonic returned her glance with a reassuring look. Mike: [Sonic] He won't live long enough to tell anyone. > Antoine only managed a confused blank stare. Mike: [narrator] And now let's bring our story to a crashing halt, no loss, so that this flow chart can illustrate just who was looking at whom and when. Now, as Sally gives Sonic one of her trademark come-hither stares, Antoine glances at Skye, Skye glances at the wall, the wall is *undecided* as to whether to glance toward Antoine or the Great Forest, the Great Forest... Tom: Jeez, just throw in that Skye was taller than Sonic and shorter than Bunnie and you've got an entire verbal SAT. > > "We've dealt with some that did, yes." Tom: Most mages and sorcerers really work the lecture circuit. > > Skye digested the response. Mike: [Skye] Your evasive replies give me heartburn. > "Okay. Virological warfare alters > the evolution of sentient life on Earth. Crow: Much as a train alters the motion of a car on the track. > Gems (namely your 'Chaos > Emeralds') Mike: Wait, how did he find out about the Chaos Emeralds? Crow: Aparently that part of the conversation was drowned out by the unnecessary new title card and scene description. > composed of weird matter Mike: Okay, he's finally gotten around to showing his lack of chemistry and geology. > possess strange energies and can > produce immense power. Crow: [Skye] It's a simple matter of utilizing the Ledbetter effect. Tom: [Skye] Og think big rock possess fire. Mike: [Skye] Y'know, this is starting to sound like some kind of video game or sumpthin'... > All this I can believe and understand > rationally, but..." Tom: [Skye] Just because I can doesn't mean I will. > Skye shook his head, crossing his arms over his > chest, "...but magic!? Mike: So...he can believe in a DNA-altering virus that genetically realters the complete physiology of everyone on the planet.... Crow: He can believe in rocks that contain an unknown form of energy so potent that it can cause near-sentience and act like red kryptonite.... Tom: But the idea that there might be validity in the theory of collective consciousness, or that we might be able to interact with our world in unimaginable ways, or even that a horse on a different evolutionary track might sprout a horn? THAT gets the skepticism. > I gave up believing in magic years ago." Crow: [Skye] Back when Johnson retired. > > To Skye, the possibility of magic laughed in his face Tom: Just like everything else in the universe. > because > it meant miracles might exist. Mike: Yeah, I can see how the existence of supernatural powers wielded by simple men would logically infer the existence of an all-powerful deity willing to tend his flock. Crow: Just look at the glowing review of witchcraft in the Old Testament. Tom: Just look at how welcome magic users were in Salem, MA. > Getting his family back would be such > a miracle. But he had long since given up hope of that. Crow: No matter what that mirror with the goofy letters said. Tom: [Skye] I probably won't win the cup for Gryffindor, either. Mike: [Skye] I just wish it would stop putting rocks in my pockets. > > He used to have hope, he thought. Tom: Poor Bob, frozen in carbonite in this geek's basement. > When did he loose that? Mike: Most people let loose hope during September 11. > He > knew why he lost it. Crow: He just didn't know when. > Hope was like a string dangling in front of his > face that was always hanging just outside his reach. Tom: So his spirit animal is really a kitten. > It had been too > painful to hope anymore. So he stopped. Crow: Maybe if he wore a truss... Mike: [Skye] And that's why I spent many years working on a new concept that I didn't know would work and that conventional wisdom told me was a waste of time. > > Sonic's hand clasped Skye firmly on the shoulder Crow: [Sonic] Is this how you do the Vulcan death grip? > and passed on Tom: Wow. He did the Vulcan death grip on himself. > some good advice. Mike: [Sonic] Bet on Four-Leaf Clover to win. I know what I'm talkin' about. Tom: [Sonic] Iams really *does* give your cat a glossier coat than Science Diet. Trust me. Crow: [Sonic] Never try to pee when running at Mach 6. It's just not worth the property damage, man. > "You of all people should know that just because > you don't believe in something doesn't mean it doesn't exist." Tom: Suddenly...I feel...oh, what the hell? [singing] When you wish upon a staaaaar.... > > Sally countered: "What did people say when you told them about > the Gate and what it does?" Mike: [Skye] At first they thought I was opening some kind of hip new nightclub.... Crow: [Skye] Then they said, "You opened a magical portal between worlds and you couldn't come up with a better name than 'The Gate'?" > > "Good point." Skye admitted. Tom: Not much of a conversion, is it? Mike: More of an "I'll vaguely concede the possibility and humor you." > > I HAVE NO PAST Crow: Mike, you know that Barnum and Bailey Circus ad? "Nobody ever dreamt of running away and joining a video game"? Mike: Yeah. Crow: I'm going to call them up and complain. Mike: Sit down. > Mobius - The Great Forest Mike: For all your forestry needs! > Princess Sally's Hut, Knothole Tom: I think that should be Nuthole. > First Month of Fall Season 3238 > Fri. 8:45 PM Mike: Come on guys. I need some time jokes. Yesterday. > > "Tell us about yourself," Sera said. Crow: Sera, NO! You don't know what you're asking! > > Skye looked back at her blankly. Tom: [Skye] D'oh. I never know how to answer these interview questions. > "I'd rather not say too much." Mike: [Skye] It would involve lots of words that I don't know the meaning of! > > Sera looked at Skye challengingly. Crow: [Sera] You never had any trouble saying too much before. > It bothered her that she > couldn't sense what was going on in this human's head. Tom: Trust me. You're better off being shielded from the human male psyche. > "Not saying > too much can be the same as saying too little, 'Skye'. Mike: [Sera] If that IS your real name. Crow: [Skye] I already told you. It's a nickname.... Mike: [Sera] A-ha! > I for one > would like to see you stop hiding your past from us. Crow: [Skye] What are you talking about?! I've already told you a great deal, you've only just stated you'd like to know more, and I'm trying to decide what.... Tom: [Sera] Stop stalling and answer the question, scum! > If you want us > to trust you fully, you'd better open up. Tom: [Skye] What if I say a lot, but lie? Mike: [Sera] Then we'd let you see all our secrets. We're suspicious, but we're gullible. > We don't like people who > play games with us." Mike: And THAT'S why Sega tanked, folks. > > "Sera!" Sally admonished. "Please try to exercise *some* > diplomacy." Crow: [Sally] Remember what happened when you said that to the reindeer ambassador! Tom: [Sera] Hey! At least I kept myself from causing his eyeballs to spontaneously swell up and explode like that dude from the Mushroom Kingdom! > > "It's all right," Skye said (trying not to go defensive). Crow: [Skye, defensive] Look, this is my one big chance to desert my completely insane backstory and start life anew as an *interesting* character, so don't make me have to kill you! > > The otherworldly explorer searched for a quote to show that he > wasn't offended. Mike: [Skye] Hmm. Maybe something from the McCarthy trials. > > "Caution is always justified in matters of trust." Crow: [Sera] What the hell does that mean? Tom: [Skye] I have no idea. I got it from a fortune cookie. But that's not the point.... > > Skye sighed. "I wish I could offer assurance that I am who I > claim, but at the moment I'm still somewhat in shock." Mike: [Skye] I'm REALLY into anthropomorphic ground squirrels and I can't believe my good luck! > > Sara glared. Tom: Who the heck is Sara? Crow: Oh, just another random character who's in the room but hasn't been mentioned yet. Mike: Who *is* in there, anyway? Crow: So far: Skye, Sonic, Bunnie, Sally, Antoine, Sera, and, uh, "Sara." Tom: Presence of Tails, Rotor, Lupe, and/or Hears the Wind is unconfirmed. Crow: Presence of Robotnik, Amy Rose, Bookshire Draftwood, and/or Geoffrey St. John is unlikely but not ruled out. > She still wasn't buying it. Mike: She was waiting for it to go on sale. > "I don't believe you." Tom: ["Sara"] White devil speak with forked tongue! > > Skye answered Sara's challenge. "All right then. Crow: [Skye] Pistols at dawn! > You want to > know my life story!? Tom: [Sera] No. I just wanted to get certain information.... > *Fine*. Mike: Take cover, everyone! Here he goes! > When I was six, I became a ward of > state when I turned out to be the sole survivor in an automobile > accident. Crow: Calvin and Hobbes meets "Unbreakable." > The remains of the other passengers, namely my father, > mother, and sister (as well as the whole upper right diagonal > cross-section of the car) were never found. Mike: [Skye] What can I say? I got hungry. Bots: EWWWW! Mike: Freebie! > I was put in an > orphanage and bounced through a dozen other foster homes for the > last eight years." Tom: [Skye] Not counting the time I spent in a circus side show as "The Amazing Rubber Boy." Mike: [Sera] So, you were a monster of a kid, then. Crow: [Skye] High-spirited, really. But pay attention.... > > "I'm sorry, Skye," Sera apologized. "I didn't know." Crow: [Sera] I mean, give me a break! What do I look like, a mind reader? All: Hee-hee. > > Skye shrugged. "It's all in the past. Tom: [Sera] For you, maybe. The horror of your boring life is still fresh for us. > Besides..." Skye gestured > around him. "When I move on, I really move on." Tom: Well, except that you still have tremendous baggage to the point that you can't talk about it... Mike: Yet another sucker believes you can leave your problems behind. > > Sera caught an unsure glance from Sally. The princess couldn't > imagine why Sera would be so confrontational. Crow: After all, she was dating the king of obnoxious self- insertion characters himself. > > "Anyways, when I was enrolled in junior high school I tested > for an IQ of 244 [All snicker] Tom: Which measured in Celsius comes out to about 60, right? > and was hired as a research assistant for a > Professor Lathronta Mike: Who later died fighting Godzilla. > and a Dr. Cranston at a school on my world > called Mannheim University. Tom: [Skye] But I kept getting beaten up by the super-intelligent gerbils, so I left. True story! > I ended up helping them make quite a few > discoveries in their field." Crow: [Skye] Hey, there's a tree here. And rollbugs under this rock! > > "So, are you a scientist or a technologist?" Sally asked. Mike: [Skye] I'm a Scientologist! > > Skye tilted his head quizzically. Mike: [Skye] I'm a research assistant! That means I did janitorial work, ran errands, and maybe updated some documents! Crow: [Sera] I didn't know! I swear! I was a liberal arts major! > "Uh, yes," Darian answered > (oblivious to the fact that it wasn't a yes or no question). Crow: And to what the hell any of those big words meant. Mike: Hey, Darian, quit interrupting Skye! Tom: Well, he *is* the Sampo and all--that's gotta convey some privileges. > "You > could say that. On my world though, Mike: [Skye] ...It would have been "scientist or engineer." And maybe you'd ask the discipline. But whatever. > I'm what is known as a > theorist." Crow: [Skye] I get to make far-reaching theories that are impossible to verify and in areas that still contain little data. As a result, I can pull any theory out of my ass, and still be considered a great scientist. Is this a great country or what? > > "So, you studied at this 'Mannheim University' and built this > 'Gate' alone?" Tom: How'd you get that? He was "helping" two other researchers with several years' experience in the field? > > "Well, yeah. Crow: [Skye] 'Cept for those bits I stole outright from my completely oblivious mentor, of course, but what're the chances of the poor sap ever finding his way *here*? Tom: Burt Cranston IS Mileva Maric IN "The Rosalind Franklin Story"! > I didn't do all my research at the university > however. Mike: [Skye] But I did do a little research there, which means... they own my invention, and they'll be yelling at me for goofing off during work hours. Damn work agreements. > During this time I had also been working on my own > experiments at home. Crow: [Skye] For example, my genetic engineering to develop Rick and wingless avians. > I actually conceived of the Gate in a > stupendous act of serendipity when I was twelve Tom: [Skye] I was hanging a picture in my bathroom, and I fell down and got knocked out, and when I woke up, I drew the flux capacitor.... Mike: So, the secret of dimensional travel is a sappy romantic comedy. > (in other words, it > was a big accident)." Mike: [Skye] Kind of like I was. Boy, that rhythm method, eh? > > Skye cleared his throat as he prepared to narrate. Crow: Mike, hold me. Tom: I love you guys! Mike: Strap in... > "You see, I > hadn't been able to eat in three days Mike: [Skye] I had accidentally locked myself in the kitchen and couldn't get out to eat. > and I got really sick. All: You got that right. Tom: [Skye] A fever destroyed much of my brain, in case you were wondering why I'm hardly what you'd expect in a 244 IQ. > One day > I just collapsed in the lab from exhaustion. Mike: [Skye] Clutching my Callista Flockhart photo album for dear life... Bots: Mike!! Mike: Freebie number two! > One of the scientists > was my next-door neighbor, Burt Cranston. Crow: [Skye] He was okay, but he always borrowed my interocitor. And my lawnmower. > He recognized me Tom: Boss, neighbor, friend, father figure...I would HOPE he would recognize you. > and > brought me to the hospital. Mike: [Skye] Well, he *said* it was a hospital. Crow: [nurse] Sir, we can't take organ donors while they're still alive and not technically dying... > They told me that I reached a fever of > 104 degrees that night. Tom: [Skye] But they can't fool me! I know my room was REALLY full of invisible pixies! > While I was unconscious, I suffered a > hallucination. Tom: [Skye] This scary fanboy kid was sitting at a computer keyboard making up these *demented* stories about when I was a kid in high school back in Michigan, and I kept telling him I was a C.P.A. with three kids who didn't want any trouble, but he just laughed sadistically and... Crow: All that time of learning what a genius this guy was, and it all comes down to a random dream? > In it, I dreamt up the scientific principle that > explains the Gate. Crow: [Sera] So you're the bastard that wrote Sliders? All: Get him!!! > All I did was take the next step and developed it > into a working prototype." Mike: Yes, after *stealing it* from somebody else! Tom: Mike, let it go. It's like wanting to falsely claim credit for Hair in a Can. > > Skye started chuckling. Tom: He just realized that a petting zoo would work wonders here. > > "What?" Sally asked curiously. Mike: [Skye] Something in The Lockhorns. You wouldn't understand. > > "It's nothing," Skye said. Crow: [Skye] The Gate, I mean. > "But talking about this reminded me > of a phone call I got last week. Tom: [Skye] They said, "Is Gerald there?" Heeheheheheeehehee, get it? Is Gerald there? *laugh* *snort* > It was the woman who gave me my > first IQ test. Mike: [Skye] She'd been stalking me ever since. > She'd been looking through her old files and it turns > out that my IQ test was flawed. All: [Perk up] > I only have an IQ of 188. All: [Get more depressed] Tom: *Still* higher than anyone we know. Unless...is Melvin still plugged in? Crow: [calls offscreen] Hey, Melvin, what's your IQ? Melvin: [O.S.] Probably around 100. Give or take 40 points. Crow: So why are you so much smarter? Melvin: [O.S.] Knowledge. Experience. Maturity. Intelligence isn't always as useful as you think. > I guess > it's just one of those odd things that decide a person's destiny." Crow: Why? Given that an IQ of 140 is a genius, is the cutoff for Cranston's Avatar Program 190? Tom: Oh, yeah. Mannheim U. is obviously a competitive place. A measly 188 IQ may be good enough for the Ivy Leagues, but a slacker like that wouldn't even get near the gates of Mannheim. > > Skye grinned and reflected on the past. Tom: [Skye] Administration errors make me happy. > "If I hadn't been given > such a high score, I wouldn't have Mike: --Such a bloated head? > gotten the job at the university Melvin: [O.S.] If they knew I was such an idiot, I would have had to take a job with the government. > and wouldn't have been able to attend a few very important lectures Crow: And gotten laughed off. > or afford high school at Regent Tom: They charge at public schools now? Crow: Welcome to Bush's education reforms. Tom: Grrrr. > which means I never would have > discovered the Gate." Mike: And this entire story never would have happened. Crow: IT'S NOT FAIR! > > Skye chuckled one more time at the example of irony. Crow: [sighs] The author doesn't even know what "irony" means? Mike: Now THAT'S ironic. > "Funny, > isn't it?" Tom: [Skye] Laugh, damn you! > > No one else in the room saw the humor. Tom: Mike, I take it all back. Michael Wolfe's an incredible writer. It's like he knows us--knows our every reaction.... > > Skye grinned sheepishly. "Well, I guess you sorta' had to be > there." Crow: In other words, it's not funny. But it brings back such great memories of...something. > > Skye cleared his throat -changing the subject. Tom: [Skye] So, how about them Terrapins, huh? Mike: [Sonic] Here, they're the Maryland Snapping Senators. > "So, where can > an ambassador from another world rent a decent room around here?" Tom: [Sally] Actually, it was trash day today, so the dumpster's free... > > Sally looked at Sonic and Antoine. They shrugged back. "Excuse > me, rent?" Crow: [Skye] You know. Really good Broadway production. Revival of the rock musical? Inspiration for _Moulin Rogue_? > > Skye regarded Sally's unfamiliarity with the term with a funny > look. Tom: [Skye] Uh, I mean, you have to give me lots of land for free. Yeah! > > "You know, -like paying with money to use something for a > limited time." Mike: [Sonic] Oh! You mean like a toothbrush! [Bots edge away.] > > "Oh," Sally understood. Crow: [Sally] Well, why didn't you just *say* so? I've seen _American Gigolo_! > "You see, we don't really use money. Tom: You mean like in Star Trek: The Next Generation. > We > actually have a trade system Mike: Oh, Enterprise. Crow: No. Deep Space Nine. > based on measured credit Crow: Star Trek: The Original Series, then. > that can be > exchanged for goods and services. Tom: Argh! Now it's Voyager. > Our unit of credit is the 'cedit', All: Marrissaverse!!! > but around here it's popularly called a 'mobian'. Tom: So in other words, *money.* Mike: Ssshh--don't ruin the moment. > We started that as > a morale booster." Crow: Because nothing boosts morale like worthless items. > > "Sort of like calling a dollar a buck," Skye said to himself. Tom: Well, yeah, it's exactly like...huh? Mike: Actually, it's more like being capitalist and claiming you're socialist. > > "Excuse me?" Mike: [Skye] I called you pinko commies, you dork! > > Skye shrugged. "Sorry, -bad analogy." Tom: So, more like calling a dollar a "doe." Crow: Hey, when you got lotsa dollars, you got lotsa dough.... > > Sally got up from her chair. "You're right though. It is > getting late. Mike: Even as the leader of the military, she has a curfew. > I'll find someplace for you to sleep." Tom: [Sally] And before you think of it, pervert, it's NOT going to be with ME! > Mike: Come on. Let's split. [They set down their cards and leave the theater.] [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOAR bridge. Everybody is already at their positions. Melvin's hologram is already activated.] Mike: So that's the story, Morning Glory. Melvin: So you already know where the next item is. Mike: Yeah. It's at...Hey, Tom? Where is it again? Tom: Oh, it's at some minor government installation. Right outside. Crow just went to get it. Mike: Without my permission? Tom: Easier to get forgiveness, my new captain. Besides, it's a snap. I mean, we've seen this story. Even during a war, it's easy for a perfect stranger to walk onto a military target. Mike: Well, I think that.... Tom: Melvin, you know the U.S. government. How long does it take to get into a simple government agency? Melvin: Just visiting? Well, you have to have two types of ID, and someone who can vouch for you, with an explanation of relationship and your purpose.... Tom: Uh, what if you just want to wander by yourself? Melvin: Well, you'd probably need a clearance. That means U.S. citizenship of some level, plus some background check depending on the organization. For sensitive, it's a month. For a secret clearance, it's 3-8 months. Top secret is a year and a half, plus a polygraph. Then there's your levels L and Q.... Tom: Well, what about a dinky installation that nobody cares about and that enemies would never try to get into? Like the White House? [Silence] [Weird, pulsating silence] Melvin: Please tell me you mean the tour. Tom: There's a tour? [Scene: Outside the White House gate. Two Secret Service agents are out front, looking around in silence. Suddenly, the soft breeze intensifies into a hard wind.] Guard1: Hey, is there supposed to be a storm coming through? Like a hurricane? Guard2: I hope not. The cherry blossom festival is next week. [The wind spirals towards a privileged point in space creating a violent whirlpool. From the center of the vortex comes the familiar rippling effect of a wormhole.] Guard1: What the hell is that?!? Guard2: I don't know! But it's knocking down the cherry blossoms! Guard1: WHAT?!? Let's get that bastard! [WHOOOOOOOOSH! The Gate opened.] [CHA-BOOOOM!!! Guard 1 farted.] [Crow falls out and lands in front of them.] Crow: Whoa. What a rush. [Guards cock their weapons and point them at him.] Crow: Uh, hi. [Guards look at each other, then back at Crow.] Guard1: Who are you? Crow: Um...Uh...Hang on, the Gate seems to have crossed my circuits....Oh, yeah. I'm Crow. Crow T. Robot. They call me that because I decide who lives and who dies. Shake? [Guard 2 shakes hands with Crow.] Crow: Well, that should seal our quick hand-shaking friendship. Guard2: Why, yes. I do feel a sudden surge of harmonious good- feeling toward you, despite having no idea who you are. Crow: Really? Guard2: No. [Points gun] Get back. Who are you? Crow: Allow me to explain who I am, although I can't divulge too much of my past. I have been tasked to wander around your grounds, and maybe say hello to Bush and tell him how much I want to kill him.... Guard1: What did you say? Crow: ...But I'm really looking for a gold Gummy Bear, which is necessary in the battle to stop a mad Star Baby from breaking out of cyberspace and conquering the world with a bad Sonic fanfic. [Guards just stare at him.] Crow: So, if you'll let me go through.... Guard2: Hold it right there! Crow: I get it. It's because you're racist, aren't you? The guy you're fighting is a robot, so you automatically point weapons at any advanced automaton that appears out of nowhere and demands access to the living area of the commander-in-chief. Guard1: Osama is a robot? Guard2: It would explain a lot. But I don't know...Maybe this is an Arab robot? Crow: But certainly you must have had visits from other robots who have proven their non-violent, trustworthy nature. Guard1: Uh, no. I haven't. You? Guard2: Well, just that Sarah Conner incident. Guard1: Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Man, was that a mess. Guard2: I'll say. We needed to bring in an interpreter of thick Austrian accents. Crow: Uh, maybe I should quickly describe five thousand years of world history? [Both guards fire warning shots.] Crow: Or not. Okay, I know what your problem is. And just let me say that I have no intention of betraying you. Guard1: Excuse me? Crow: I mean, there's no chance that I'll really kill the President, steal all those war plans, and sell them to the highest bidder. Guard2: Are you threatening us? Crow: I'm just letting you know what's what. Now let me go places. Guard1: Oh, you'll be going places, all right. [Tries to cuff Crow. Fails hilariously.] Crow: Well, it's about time, but I don't need the jewelry...Hey! HEY!!! [Guard 1 ties Crow's arms behind his back] Travesty! Mockery of justice! Ooh. Shiny. [Crow's neck expands until his head is next to the ground. Lying on the grass is the gold Gummy Bear, which Crow immediately gobbles up.] Guard2: Okay, you're coming with us. Crow: MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! [SOAR] Tom: Well, he got the key. I'd say this was a complete success. Mike: Great. Wolfe, where are they taking him? MW: The cyberspace equivalent of a prison. [Pause] In Malaysia. [Mike must race against time to get Crow out of jail. Backdrop: Bond game, 3D shooter or Duke Nukem 2] [Shot of Mike running, then pausing. There are a bunch of guards in the background, running toward the foreground. In the foreground is a guard near a desk. He lifts the wooden bar to let the others go past.] Guard1: Up goes the toll bridge. Guard2: Stop it, Carl. [Mike continues fighting. He finally finds and rescues Crow.] Mike: Crow? Are you all right? [Crow screams] Mike: Crow? Crow?!? [A huge shadow covers them both. Mike looks over to see Geronimo standing there.] G: You think you can take me? Well, go ahead on. [He takes out his gun.] It's your move. [Mike defeats Geronimo with a nearby mirror, and quickly collects the gun, the belt and the badge.] Mike: Let's go. [Mike and Crow run to the rendezvous point, and are beamed up just as more guards start shooting.] Guard3: You son of a Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! CONTINUED in Part 10