I know it's a few chars wide; I was halfway done before I noticed. Sumimasen! \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\Filmed in 78-char-vision/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ (SOL. The bots are facing each other silently. Joel walks on.) Joel: Hi, guys. What're you doing? Crow: (not moving) We're having a staring contest. Joel: Oh. (A few moments pass.) Joel: But.. Tom doesn't have any eyes. Tom: Yeah, but it's okay because Crow doesn't have any eyelids. Joel: Oh. (A few more moments pass.) Joel: So what's the point? Crow: Why ask why, Joel? Tom: Yeah, don't be such a killjoy. (A few more moments pass by. The commercial sign starts blinking. Joel steps between the bots to hit the light, and we go to commercial amongst botly cries of outrage.) Tom: You looked away! Crow: No, _you_ looked away! Joel: Calm down, you two. Speed and Chimchim are calling. (Deep 13. Frank is reading Reader's Digest. He looks up at the camera.) Frank: (calls offstage) Uh, sir? They've responded. Dr.F: Fine, Frank. Come move this thing for me, willya? Frank: Sure. (Frank walks offscreen as Dr. F comes on.) Dr.F: Hello, boys. My invention is proving a little.. unwieldy.. so why don't you go first today? (SOL. Joel is wearing a Chinese shirt, Tom is wearing an orange gi, and Crow is wearing a red bodysuit with cloak and red headband.) Joel: Well, our invention this week is based on the the idea that the preponderance of shapechangers in anime really limits cosplay. We've developed a few costumes that get around this. Take my "Ranma Saotome" outfit, for instance. Just take some water (he picks up a cup of water from under the counter) and presto! (He pours it on his head, and there is a flash of light. When it subsides, Joel is in a Ranma-chan costume.) Tom: Or my Son-Goku costume. SUPER SAIYAN TRANSFORMATION! (There is another flash of light. After it dies down, there is a gold pompom on top of Tom's head, being blown upwards by an internal fan.) Tom: I'm not just a vending machine, I'm a SAIYA-JIN as well! Crow: Yeah, right. Mine's cooler! Tom: Oh, yeah? Who is it, anyway? Crow: Vincent Valentine. CHAOS! Joel: Uh, Crow.. (Too late. There is a mighty flash, and afterwards, we see a gigantic foot where Crow was.) Tom: Oy. (Deep 13. Frank is back onscreen, next to a device that looks like a big horseshoe magnet with a lever and some dials attached.) Dr.F: Very.. amusing. They pale, however, before my great invention: The Comet Magnet, or 'Comignet'. This, too, adds versimilitude to costumes. Frank? (Frank pulls the lever. The machine begins to rumble.) Dr.F: It adds realism to Sephiroth costumes by actually calling down a comet to strike the Earth and cause massive devastation! Much better than seeing it on a video game screen or in theaters, don't you think? Frank: Um, sir? Won't that destroy Deep 13 as well? Dr.F: Don't spoil my moment, Frank. Anyhow, Lovely Angels, your experiment this week is Part One a ghastly little mini-series called simply 'Sailor Moon Hentai'. Feel the burn, kiddos! (SOL.) All: We've got fanfic sign!! (G,6,5,4,3,2,1) (Entering the theater, Joel takes off his wig and falsies and Tom's pompom. Crow's costume was left on the bridge.) Joel: Now how are we gonna get that off the bridge? Crow: They were _your_ idea, Joel. >Hi, it's me Carlos again. All: Hi, Carl! > This is a hentai/eechi Joel: Isn't that the thing you use to clean your windshield? > /lemon fic series >and I'd like to thank Andrea and Tim for posting my story Crow: Oh, good move, you two. > and I >now have a e-mail address: >carlosvincent@hotmail.com Tom: He _is_.. THE MAN WITH TWO FIRST NAMES! >I use my friend's Crow: cruelly and for my own personal gain. > because hers has a bigger typing area than mine. Joel: Do I detect a hint of envy? Crow: Well, it is the area.. > But, >well..ahywho.. Tom: Isn't that Hawaiian for 'bad fic'? > All hentai rules apply and you know that Sailor Moon >doesn't belong to me. Joel: Count yourselves lucky. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Now entering Lameland. No plot, next 13k. >Sailor Moon Hentai, Part 1 >"Pleasure filled Dreams" Crow: I.. have a dream. A dream of a world where fics like this do not exist. >By: Carlos Vincent > > > Kelly was a beauty Tom: (Hemingway) Do not think that this impressed me. > , thought Motoki as he saw her deep in Crow: Whoa! Starting a little quick there, are we? >conversation with Usagi. Joel: I guess not. Crow: Dang! > She knew some basic japanese Tom: Hello. Doing is how your excellent grapefruit? > and was a exchange >student for five years. Tom: Its five-year mission: to bore the audience to tears. > Kelly had already been here three months Joel: but still couldn't find the potty without a phrasebook. > and met >Usagi, Ami, Rei, Mako, Minako, Tom: Dopey, Doc, Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy.. Crow: Actually, those lists match up pretty well. > Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, Hotaru, Mamoru, >Umino, Naru, and Motoki. Joel: No one will be seated during the thrilling "roll call" scene. > What she didn't know, was that she was one of >the Hentai Senshi, the leader, Sailor Pleasure. Tom: I'd think there were some things you'd just.. notice. > There were four others, >Nipple, Breast, Tongue, and Mouth. Joel: Unfortunately, since Nipple was attached to Breast they couldn't fight very well.. > Kelly then noticed four girls in a >group, they seemed oddly familiar, at least, two of them did. Crow: (monotone) Are they the Hentai Senshi. I wonder. Oh. I wonder. > The >one with silver hair and golden eyes was her best friend, Tai Gibbons. Joel: Her best friend is only 'oddly familiar'? She doesn't have much of a social life, does she? >And the one with juniper green hair and sky blue eyes was her other >best friend, Ida Benson. Tom: o/~Benson, Arizona; the warm wind through your hair.. Crow: Kissup. Tom: Oh, and a note to Carlos: Anime hair colors don't really work in fanfic. > But the girl with white hair and brown eyes, >and the other girl with red hair and hazel eyes, she had never seen >before. She smiled at her friends. Crow: (Kelly) The rest of you peons, TASTE MY WRATH! > "Hi Tai, Tom: A drink made with two parts Curacao and one part crack. > Ida." She smiled. "Hi, Kelly." They smiled back. Joel: An expression of pure joy. "Nuku-Nuku loves Papa-san." >"Who are you?" She asked the two girls. Crow: We're your best friends; remember us? > "I'm Utsukushii Kiko. [beautiful >tree child]" Tom: (mimsy) Your leaves are just gorgeous. > The girl with white hair and brown eyes said. "And I'm >Utsukushii Hiko. [beautiful fire child]" Joel: FWOOM! > The girl with red hair and >hazel eyes said. "Sisters, ne?" Crow: Geez. Doesn't even know who her own sister is.. > Kelly asked. "Hai." They replied. Tom: So, to recap: The white-haired girl is a beautiful burning tree,the nameless redhaired girl doesn't know who her sister is, Kelly said "yes" and someone replied indeterminately. Joel: This is why we use commas to end some quotes. Think about it, won't you? >"KELLY!!!" Tom: TETSUOOO! > Someone shouted from behind her. Joel: (Kelly) Don't DO that! > She turned to see a young >girl running up to her. Crow: Wham! > It was Haruka, who normally didn't run. Tom: HARUKA is a *young* *girl*?!? (A): She looks like a guy, and (B): she's like four years older than the rest! A young girl would be somewhere between Naru and Chibi Usa. Haruka might be a young woman, but everyone would think she was a young man anyway! Actually, there's no really good way to describe someone in their early-to-mid 20's, is there? A "young woman" is 17-20ish, and a 'young man' is anywhere from 15 to 25! The closest you can come is 'college-aged', which is unfairly biased towards the ivory tower anyway, and- Joel: Enough, Tom. > Tai, >Ida, Hiko, and Kiko got hearts in their eyes. Crow: Blink a few times and see if that gets them out. > "Haruka-san! Nice to see >you!" Joel: (Kelly) We needed some more introductions for padding! > Kelly said to her friend, she and Haruka were the closest. Crow: Hey, neat! Joel: Crow.. Crow: Think about it! It's a lemon, Kelly's a beauty, and Haruka is "that way" anyway! Tom: I have one thing to say: Michiru. Crow: I have one thing to respond: threesome. Joel: Enough, Crow. > "Tai, >Ida, Hiko, and Kiko. This is my friend, Ten'ou Haruka-san, Haruka-san, >these are my friends, Tai Gibbons, Ida Benson, Utsukushii Kiko, and >Utsukushii Hiko." Kelly said introducing everyone. Tom: Join Carlos Vincent for a festival of nigh-Ratliffian introduction! > "Hi.." The girls >swooned. Joel: Just give 'em some Fenix Down and they'll be fine. > "What's up?" Haruka said in response. > "Haruka races, and she's the best I've seen." Crow: (Kelly) And not just at racing, either.. > Kelly said, >the girl gasped. Joel: Well, that's a mighty odd thing to say. > "SHE?!" They exclaimed. They blushed. Tom: They laughed. They cried. It was much better than 'Cats'. > "Can't tell >can you?" Kelly asked. Joel: (Kelly) Haha! Cringe as I prove my superiority! > "No.." The girls said as they hung their heads >in shame. Crow: (girls) This can't be happening.. We can't actually be in this fic.. > "Hey look, there's Michiru-san! MICHIRU-SAN!" Tom: (Michiru) Dear Lord! She's spotted me! > Kelly exclaimed >and ran over and hugged her. Joel: (Michiru) Do I know you? > "Konichii wa, minna." Tom: No, Mina's not here yet! Didn't you read the thrilling 'roll call' sequence? > Michiru said and smiled. Crow: (Michiru) Heh heh heh.. They'll never suspect! > * * * * Joel: Looks like someone paid off a critic. > > A beautiful woman with black hair and yellow eyes Tom: I am Bumblebee Girl! BZZZ! > stared into >a viewing pool Crow: I see Kristen, I see Jenny.. > as a few men and women in army/navy apparel appeared and >smiled at the woman. Joel: (Bumblebee Girl) Hmm.. Maybe I shouldn't have worn the sparkly antennae. > "Mistress Vira-sama, you called us?" Tom: (Vira) No, I called you 'cretins'. > A young girl, around the >age of thirteen with blue hair and eyes asked. Crow: Oh, just introduce her already. It's what you do best. > "I don't think she meant you." A man with brown hair and eyes >said with venom on his tongue. Tom: Why? So he can French his enemies to death? Crow: Oh no! Is Amazon 'Kiss of Death'! > "Umi, Chi." Mistress Vira warned. Joel: Umi joined the dark side? But what about Princess Emeraude? > "I still don't see why you want Umi to be here, Mistress >Vira-sama." Chi said, daggering the girl with his sharp eyes. Crow: Well, that's a mighty odd way of attacking. Tom: Poison tongue, razor eyeballs.. What is this guy, a Parasyte? > "Ara, Chi-chan. She is _the_ strongest." A girl with red >hair and eyes said. Joel: Hikaru went over too? Say it ain't so! Say it ain't so! Tom: (gravelly) It ain't so, kid. > "Don't remind me, Aku-chan." He spat. Joel: Ping! > "Don't snap at my twin like THAT!" Crow: Snap at her like this instead! > A girl with red hair and >eyes said, who had golden flecks and highlights to differenciate. Tom: Um.. sure. > "I will when I want to, Doku-chan!" He spat at her as >well. Joel: Ping! > A man with white hair and silver eyes eyed them causiously. > "Umi, Chi, Aku, Doku Tom: Bingo! Crow: Fleagle! Joel: Drooper! Crow: Snork! > ..stop." He said. Tom: I couldn't agree more. > "Arigato, Kurai-chan." Crow: (Weird distorted Keiichi voice) Arigato, Belldandy. Joel: (Skuld) Why, that.. > Mistress Vira said as she nodded All: (make snoring noises) >to him. > "So what us this evil we have to face?" Joel: Chipped beef with creamed corn. > Chi asked. > "Not evil, good. Crow: Evil, bad. Joel: Sailor Moon, good. Tom: Fanfic, bad. > A group known as the Hentai Senshi, as >well as the Sailor Senshi." Tom: Actually, the Sailor Senshi are only known as the Hentai Senshi in doujinshi and fanfic. > Umi corrected. > "Grr.." Chi said under his breath. > "Umi-chan is correct. Crow: Umi, Umi, Umi! Why can't it be _me_ for a change? > These two groups hold the pieces >of the Aoi ginishoujo, Tom: Gesundheit. > which truly belongs to Sailor Pleasure. >But we will get it first." Mistress Vira said. Joel: (Vira) Mine it is. My precious! > "Hai!" Umi said. > "And I shall be the first one to recover one of it's >pieces." Crow: (old priestess) If a demon should find even one piece of the Shikon gem.. > Chi said as left in a flash. > "He's so baka.." Joel: (stoned) I am SO baka... > Umi said, then under her breath, "But >I'm so deeply sunken in his waters of ai that no one in a million >years could grab me away.." (Joel grabs Crow's beak.) Crow: Mmph! > She said, her eyes shimmering. > * * * * Tom: Looks like Orion's been hitting the old donuts a little hard. > > "What do you see? Joel: Four asterisks? Crow: A lame fic? Tom: I see London, I see France.. > You people gazing at me? Joel: Us? > You see a doll on >a music box, that's wound by a key. Tom: Joel, what in Sam Hill is going on here? Joel: How should I know? > How can you tell..I'm.. Crow: (whoever is talking) Damn.. What's my line? > under a >spell? I'm..waiting for love's first kiss." Tom: (whoever is talking) I'm.. ah.. waiting! Yeah, that's it! > Kelly sang. All: Ohh. Joel: It all comes clear. > "You cannot see, how much I long to be free. Crow: (singer) Yeah, being in this fic is a real drag. > Turning around >on this music box, that's wound by a key." Tai sang. Tom: Yeah, we heard the thing about the key the first time, okay? > "Yearing. Yearning. While..I'm..turning around and around." >Ida finished. Crow: Next on Sessions: The Hentai Senshi! Tom: o/~ What do you see.. Crow: Basara Nekki! Joel: o/~ Totsugeki love heart.. Crow: Minmei Lin! Tom: o/~ Do you remember.. Crow: Banpei-kun! Joel: o/~ LET'S LIMBO, PEOPLE! Crow: Rei Hino! Tom: o/~ Fire soul.. Crow: And many more! > Suddenly a cat with green fur and black eyes Joel: The cat isn't much of a scrapper, it seems. > with a >H on his forhead came up to the girls. Hiko and Kiko were behind >him. Tom: Must've been an awfully big cat. > "Hello, girls. My name is Xavier, Crow: (Xavier) I would like you to be one of my special students. > and I am your guardian >cat." Xavier said and stared at them, Joel: Does this bother you? I'm not touching you.. > causing them to fall under >his trance. Tom: I am the Great Svengali. You will do as I command. > Seconds later, they recovered. They opened their hands Crow: (girls) Eew! Bad cat! Joel: That was tasteless and uncalled for, Crow. Crow: Yeah. Ain't it great? >and wands were inside. "Welcome to the team, Sailor Pleasure, Mouth, >and Tongue." Xavier said. Tom: (Xavier) The other four of you can just sod off. > "Why do I feel so strange?" Kelly asked. > "That's your hentainess or womanly desires taking over. Crow: 'Womanly desires'? I don't speak much Japanese, but even I can spot this one. Joel: Cool it, Crow. It's a reasonable change in the context. > You'll >act and talk different." Xavier said. Tom: (Xavier) You'll wear lampshades on your head and speak Creole. You'll get used to it after a while. > "You don't say, bastard!" Joel: Not frequently. Why? > Tai shouted out, covering her mouth, >not believing what she had just said. Crow: (Tai) Why did I say "covering my mouth"? It makes no sense! > "Just henshin!" Xavier said. Tom: Gesundheit again. > "Hai!" They said. > "PLEASURE HENTAI POWER.." > "MOUTH HENTAI POWER.." > "TONGUE HENTAI POWER.." > "BREAST HENTAI POWER.." > "NIPPLE HENTAI POWER.." Joel: WONDER TWINS POWER.. Crow: SUPER SAIYA-JIN.. Tom: HARLOCK NO ARCADIA OH.. > > "MAKE UP!!!!" Joel: ACTIVATE!!!! Crow: TRANSFORMATION!!!! Tom: HASHEEN!!!! > They exclaimed and henshined. Tom: Oh no! They're contagious! Quarantine the area or all of Tokyo will be henshining by Tuesday! Crow: Well, you can never have too many shiny hens. > After the >transformation, they looked over their fukus. Crow: o/~ I'm looking over a senshi lover.. > Sailor Pleasure's, aka Kelly's, was blue and peach. It >had a tight skirt with extremely tight top. Joel: So.. it's not much like a fuku, then? > The outfit was very >scandlous. > Sailor Mouth's, aka Tai's, was red and peach. > Sailor Tongue's, aka Ida's, was pink and peach. > Sailor Breast's, aka Hiko's, was violet and peach. > Sailor Nipple's, aka Kiko's, was green and peach. Tom: Peachy. Crow: If this is a lemon, will there be peaches & cream? -Ack! (Joel, having tackled Crow, is duct-taping his mouth shut.) > > Suddenly, Chi appeared. Tom: Hello Siegfried! Joel: Hello Roy! > "Aha! So there you are!" He said >and transformed into a pleasure-seeking monster, with five tentacles >formed from his private area. (pause.) Joel: Not much to say about that one. > > * * * * Tom: Um.. It's Usagi and Naru from the "Be a Star" episode in a blooper reel where the lights went out! Joel: You're stretching.. > "MOON ETERNAL, MAKE UP!" > "MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "MARS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "PLUTO PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "SATURN PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > > The Sailor Senshi transformed and ran off to the site, close >by. Tom: Good thing, too. They just spent three minutes transforming. Joel: How do you figure? Tom: Eight 17-second transformation sequences plus a 34-second sequence equals 170 seconds, or two minutes fifty seconds. That rounds easily enough to three minutes. By the way, isn't Sailor Saturn supposed to destroy the cosmos when she awakes? Joel: Maybe she'll get lost in the shuffle. > * * * * Tom: (Sailor Moon) Moondusted! > > Chi, who was now this creature, threw his tentacles around >Sailor Tongue and Mouth. Joel: Fwing! > The tentacles shuffled around Tom: (Tentacle) Okay, I bid two clubs. > and found >their panties, then began to suck on their virgin pussies. Joel: Well.. their panties, anyway. > "BREAST INFLAMATION PAIN!" Breast exclaimed and the >girls' breasts became inflamed and sent painful vibrations to >Chi, who dropped them. (Crow has escaped his duct-taping; he is about to say something, but his jaw drops instead.) > "NIPPLE HARDENING COMMENSE!" Nipple cried and her nipples >hardened, the hardening transffering to his penius and he cried out >in painful agony. Tom: Um.. > "TONGUE LAVISH WET!" Tongue screamed as he was licked sensually Joel: Waitasec.. Tongue is suddenly a guy? never mind.. >by a huge tongue. He couldn't help but to release a moan. Crow: Well.. > "MOUTH SWELLING RENDER!" Mouth yelled as his lips began to >swell and these sensations began to take over him. Joel: I.. > "PLEASURE FANTASY NIGHTMARE!" Pleasure screamed as she threw >a cloud of blue at Chi and made him scream out in horrifying terror. Tom: Well, that was certainly.. different. >He then disappeared as the Sailor Senshi appeared. Crow: Chi makes more sales because he's a shapechanger! > "Who are you?" The Sailor Senshi asked. Joel: Our names are not important > "We're the Hentai Senshi!" They said and ran off. Tom: (Hentai Senshi) WellthatwasneatgottarunBYE! > > All: With pleasure! Tom: Let's motor. I think I know how we can clear away that costume.. Joel: Cool. (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) (SOL. The guys are wedged in around the edges of the costume's foot.) Joel: So what's your idea, Tom? Tom: First, take out one of Crow's eyes. Crow: WHAT? Tom: Do you trust me? Crow: NO! Tom: Too bad. It's the only way. Do it, Joel! (*Poink!* Joel pops out one of Crow's ping-pong balls.) Crow: Ow! Tom: Now pop in that green thing. (Joel takes a green sphere the size of a ping-pong ball off the desk and pops it into Crow's eyesocket.) Crow: Double ow! Tom: Okay, Crow. Point at that thing and shout "Mini!" (Crow turns to the costume. Green flames shoot up in a circle around him, and he raises his arms into the air.) MINI! Crow: I call forth the ancient power of magic! MINI! MINI! (There is a flash of light. After it dies down, the giant costume is gone and there is a Chaos action figure on the table.) Crow: Hey, neat! Joel: Tom, wherever did you get a 'Contain' materia? Tom: Well, I actually just took a ping-pong ball and painted it green. (beat) Joel: Oh. Tom: So how'd you do that cool reverb thing, anyhow? Crow: I'll never tell. Joel: Whaddaya think, sirs? (Deep 13. All kinds of alarms are going off. Dr. F is peeking out of a styrofoam fort while Frank runs around like a chicken with its head cut off.) Dr.F: Frank, you imbecile! Get in the bunker before the meteor hits- (Suddenly, nine kinds of hell break loose. There is a huge explosion, a bright flash and a loud *boom*. Afterwards, Frank looks a bit charred. A '6978' pops up above his head. He falls forwards, and his forehead hits the but-) | \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ --------O-------- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ | Got an opinion? ANY opinion? Tell me at unspokenname@hotmail.com. If you liked it, great. If you didn't, just remember: I won't get better without feedback. I'll listen to what you have to say, as long as you say it civilly. "Sailor Moon Hentai" belongs to Carlos Vincent, and he can have it. The MST3K folks, of course, belong to Best Brains. The style and panache in this MSTing is all mine, baby. No insult is intended to Carl, Andrea, Tim, Kelly, Ida, Hiko/Kiko or the confused red-haired gal by this MSTing; Tai, however, can bite me. No planets were destroyed during the writing of this MSTing. --Ben-San Arizona >Kelly had already been here three months and met >Usagi, Ami, Rei, Mako, Minako, Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, Hotaru, Mamoru, >Umino, Naru, and Motoki. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com